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Posted this in DS this morning...

Well, here I am again. Day one of tramadol withdrawal.

This time I'm completely through with this stuff. I guess that's what everyone says around this time--it's certainly what I said last time. Maybe this time I can relate my first addiction experience to this second, hopefully last one, and finally realize how inadequate of an antidepressant it really is.

I met up with some of my old Bluelight friends in LA recently, and told them I was taking it again. They're all non-judgemental types (I think one person's reply was actually "Heh. Cool!"), but still, the mere act of actually revealing it to someone other than myself really hit home for some reason. Suddenly, again, it wasn't a medication. It wasn't an antidepressant. It wasn't therapy. It was just a dirty addiction.

But what really made me stop was the fact that the company I order for (a company that many Bluelighters have used in the past and probably still use) possibly sold or used my credit card information without my consent. They are the only people I have ever ordered from online (I don't ever shop online for anything else), and it is the only way my information could have been given away. That said, I checked my bank account recently and to my surprise, over $200 worth of purchases have been made.

I've only been on the tramadol this time for three months, so I said to hell with it, this is not worth getting my credit card information stolen again. With only a small quantity of pills left, I did the best taper I could in a week and now I'm done. I went from 400mg a day to nothing in the space of week, and yeah, I feel like garbage.

Anyway, again, day one, and I have classes today I can't miss.

Such is life! I'm going to beat this one way or another. I'll feel better in a week.

But a week from now isn't now. I wish my brain could time travel...

Click to expand...

I suppose I'll use this as a withdrawal diary of sorts...

I'm at school right now, and I feel pretty gross. However, I think it's manageable. It's not as bad as it could have been. I'm glad I'm punching out now from this whole mess instead of a half year from now, like last time.

I go through alternating periods of feeling better and feeling worse, feeling optimistic and feeling pessimistic. I keep reminding myself that the hardest part was actually stopping, the rest is just a bad flu. I've had the flu before.

8:15 AM
Its nice to recognize the symbolic nature of dreams. Here's one I had last night:

I was riding a 10 speed bike to the dope spot. I had my dog running/walking beside me. I was two blocks from the corner. Two kids (maybe 12 years old) came outside with their pet. This pet was mostly black bear with some gorilla features. It wasn't on a leash.

The bear-rilla came towards us and I was fearful for my dog so I turned around and kept calling in fear for my dog to come. I didn't want him to get hurt. I wanted to get to the dope spot but couldn't get past the bear-rilla with my dog because my dog would have been hurt. Due to concern for my dog I was unable to get my drugs.

3:00 PM
"Ego exists in the past or future and struggles to survive in the present." --Unknown

3:15 PM
Well, everyone was pretty accurate in describing the weekends here... BORING! We had a 'group' today that had everyone come up with a marketing campaign for this hospital. After that, NOTHING! My decision is made, I'm leaving on Saturday afternoon (as opposed to Monday). They won't even let us hold our own 12 Step meetings to kill time. Its ridiculous.

I'm not permitted to play volleyball or basketball due to having a history of drug induced seizures. I have no interest in these games but still, when someone is this bored, the option becomes more appealing.

I called to check on Shaman. He's doing fine. I called the pizza shop to shoot the shit with people. I don't have any other phone numbers on me.

I'm sitting outside writing at a picnic table and am pleased that the birds here are comfortable coming so close to humans. This tells me that previous addicts have shown compassion and kindness to them through time. Us addicts are compassionate. More-so than others it appears.

We have an hour and a half until dinner and I'm starved. I can't wait to make myself a chicken cheese steak when I get out.

9:15 PM
"Its hard to accept some things and real easy to deny others" --unknown

I need to have more faith in what life has planned for me. I crave female affection and am so scared that I'll never find a good woman. I'm a jealous person and harbor resentment when I face the reality that women have been with men prior to me (just like I've been with other women).

I really wish the situation with 'M' and me was workable. She was/is so special but we BOTH violated the most important thing in any relationship... ...trust.

I'm a good guy. I'm extremely sensitive and this sensitivity is definitely related to my drug use. I don't want to grow harder. I need to learn how to accept life's natural realities.

I'm still early into this so I am VERY weak emotionally. I don't need to be thinking about future love at this point in time. I need to get well and, when it is time, things will work out.

They took blood today. It looks like I may be transferred to the rehab unit today. They are just waiting for a bed for me. Cool.

I spoke briefly with a therapist today. I told her I was done with anti-depressants. Its time to stop running from my emotions. I NEED emotions. Its time to be human again. I hate us humans but maybe, just maybe, I can become one of the good ones.

1:30 PM
Cool deal! I got transferred to the rehab unit. I've been dual-diagnosed so they put me in a special unit. Its not a psych ward but for folks who have drug/alcohol and in my case, depression. People are friendly but I still have the brains to not trust anyone.

There's some girls checkin' me out here. I'm not here for that but it does make a guy feel good.

The admins are working on getting me some sort of government assistance. Apparently I can get cash and food stamps and some sort of letter saying I can't work because of the drugs and alcohol. FUCK THAT! I want to work. I want to start getting not only the 'things' and 'stuff' I've lost but the parts of me that made me 'me'.

I'm feelin' bad about the things I wrote about 'M' earlier. Emotional confusion I suppose. I love the girl but will NEVER be with someone like her again. I don't even think of her sexually anymore. We'll both be able to find other people. She cared about me but... ...I don't know so I'll stop thinkin' and theorizing about her. She is no longer a part of my life and hopefully never will be again. I can't wait to meet a good woman. 'M' was good but had no love for me. Things figure themselves out.

When I get two years clean time I can volunteer at a rehab. One thing at a time. I'll figure it out.

6:20 PM
Just got done eating and got the chance to shoot the shit with some folks. Fourteen days more and I can start doing the 'life' thing in the real world.

The unit I'm in now has a bunch of clicks up in here. That doesn't bother me. Clicks = Drama. Life has enough drama, I'm not lookin' for anymore.

I never considered myself a good lookin dude but there are some girls flirtin with me. I'm guessing that people's sex drives are coming back so ANY dude is lookin' good to these girls. Also there are a ton of lesbians here. That's cool but don't give me attitude just because I'm a man. I'm not lookin' to fuck anyone in here. I just want people to be well. I dunno, fourteen days and I get to see my dog.

10:00 PM
I'm not counting the valiums and Restorill as drugs since I don't get high from them and I only take them at night. So my official clean date is 08/22/09.

I took my pills and am ready for bed.

We have six people sharing one bathroom. No biggie.

I sleep with one sock on that I keep my money and ID in. I keep a pen behind my ear at all times for two reasons:
1) So I can write
2) So I can stick it in a mother fucker's throat if they step up on me

I grew up in the area where this rehab is and 'M's parents live about a half mile away. My apartment is about 10 minutes away so these factors make this much easier here.

I have my concerns about my commitment to this. All the stories of different drugs and different combos, learning of new corners to get 'the good shit', seeing new veins and seeing other people's veins are mind fucking me. I just need to learn how to deal with it. I can learn new skills and I actually want to go to meetings when I get out.

Today was beautiful out. Blue skies, white clouds and a pleasant breeze. I haven't noticed these things in years.

I kind of have this fantasy, once I get my shit together. I want to fall in love (and be equally loved) and move back to Colorado with this new love and have a peaceful, loving life together.

Life has a plan for me. I just can't interfere with it and go with its direction.

Time for bed.

8:30 AM
Woke up at 4:15 AM this morning.

I'm likin' this girl Nora that I was in detox with. She gives killer hugs. She's young (maybe 24?) and we have each other's contact info. Maybe we'll hit some meetings together when we're out. She's thin and has beautiful red hair and Irish freckles.

9:55 AM
I want to get out of here. The biggest thing keeping me here is the people. There are some real good folks here. If you want to know the name of the facility here (right outside Philly), PM me.

This is NOT a rehab. I'll post the daily schedule and you'll laugh your ass off. They are making a shit load of money but don't even hold FREE twelve step meetings.

There are about 35-45 people in our unit and we're about to have a Psycho Ed meeting. I don't know what the topic is. The last one was on Insomnia. The one before that was anger management (it was poorly facilitated).

I know it sounds like I'm bitchin' a lot. I'm just telling it as I see it. Once again, I'll just have to work harder when I get out of here.

11:00 AM
Today's group was on Anger Management again.

12:40 PM
After today I will have 8 days to go. Its almost time for group and I'm going to share that I want to leave.

2:10 PM
We had a group discussion on relapse prevention. I was in my own head but still got something out of it. I have some decent reading material about it.

I can't leave here. I have the habit of not finishing what I've started. I'm gonna finish this. I can't have people thinking I'm the same loser I've always been.

In all honesty, I want 'M' back in my life. It won't happen but if I stick this through, my chances are good that I'll find a good woman due to being healthier (mind, body and soul).

An old head disappeared for a bit. He was talking about leaving earlier. I told him that there was a bus stop right in front of the building and it only costs $3.25 for a bus ticket and transfer pass. We are located right next to a Correctional Facility so it isn't uncommon for the bus drivers to give free rides to released inmates. I told him to try that.

They found the guy and gave him an envelope of money from family. He won't be here much longer. We should place bets on when old head goes AMA (Against Medical Advice). This will open up a bed for someone who actually wants to get better.

3:30 PM
Cool deal. I was randomly selected to "evaluate" the hospital here. I mentioned everything I've been bitching about so far. I also gave positive input concerning certain staff members.

Eight more days and I can drink coffee that actually has caffeine in it. On my way home I'm hittin' Wawa and from there, Starbucks.

4:55 PM
I met with my therapist at around 4:00 PM and she gave me my Treatment Plan. The psychiatrist believes that I may have been mis-diagnosed for depression. Its difficult to say whether depression led to drug use or the depression is due to the drugs. She gave me a huge booklet on depression and asked that I pick out the symptoms that I can relate to or display.

I have 'homework' now. They want an essay describing my detailed history of chemical use/abuse.

They want an essay on the life changes I need to make to maintain sobriety.

I need to identify 5 warning signs that let me know that my mental health issues are becoming less manageable.

Lastly, they want me to identify 5 ways of dealing with mental health warning signs.

I hear that weekends here are boring so I intend to start working on the stuff tomorrow.

There is a rumor that someone stole $73 from the room next to ours. My skinhead friend and I made it clear that if we catch anyone in our room there will be a bloody mess.

I was never a skinhead but hung with the SHARPS (SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice). I'm pretty in shape and know how to fight. In addition, people say I have a look about me that makes them reluctant to fuck with me.

I'll post a pic and let others figure out the accuracy of these statements. I think it is more in the way I carry myself.



Lights out is at midnight Friday and Saturday. I think I have one more dose of Restorill. I just hope I don't wake up at 4:00 AM again. That's been happenin' a lot.

7:15 PM
I'm pretty tired right now. We have a unit 12 Step meeting, then meds, then snacks.

I gotta stay awake so that I sleep through the night.

10:45 PM
Ok, my discharge date is Monday the 7th (Labor Day). I'm going to request being discharged early Saturday.

Weekends offer very little here. There is even more idle time than during the week. The only benefit would be for the hospital if I stayed. They would get a few thousand dollars for doing nothing to earn it. I'll play it by ear. I can leave whenever I want so I'll see what this weekend has to offer (recovery wise). If it is as unproductive as what the other patients say then I will most definitely leave Saturday morning.

Oh! Check this out. One of the old heads here spent $2,200 on new teeth before he came here. He was in the cafeteria and put his teeth on his napkin, got up to refill his coffee and when he came back, his teeth were missing. What the fuck?!?! I asked him if they had gold in them and he said that they were just standard false teeth. Us junkies are a strange breed.

Finally, before I go to bed I need to restate that they must be putting some kind of anti-erection dust in our food. I think I woke up with a semi hard-on once since I've been here. I don't need to be walkin' around with wood but it still fucks with a guy's head.

Haha! Me and John (my roommate from rehab) hung out all day yesterday. We both agree that boredom is a mother fucker early in recovery.

We drove through Valley Forge National Park, hit two meetings and...

...well, we both have girls that are still in the facility. He hadn't heard from his so I said 'fuck it' aqnd we drove up there and parked outside the unit building we used to occupy (the girls live there as well).

We didn't want to go inside or deeper onto the rehab's grounds so we just looked around. We hollered at a couple people we had become friendly with and then a Clinical Assistant (CA) came over to the car.

She told us that we aren't allowed to attend the 12 Step meeting that night because we have to wait 30 days after discharge. We acted like it was a shock and rolled out.

We had a plan with the girls to meet at the meeting that night and were worried that we fucked up our chances.

We headed up later that night anyway and were able to see the girls for about a half hour before the same CA came over and bitched us out.

I was happy to see Shari. I was aggravated that I would probably only be able to see her for a minute before being chased off the grounds. This wasn't the case and John and me had shit eatin' grins on our faces the whole drive home.

Shari called earlier today and we chatted for a bit. She told me that they got bitched out but doesn't think they will get kicked out.

She also mentioned that she thinks she'll be leaving rehab earlier than planned. She said she wants to see me. I told her not to fuck herself and do what she needs to do for her.

She said she wouldn't fuck herself over like that and would like to stay in this area for a little before going home to middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.

I told her she could stay at my place (of course). Its an alternative to her rehab roommate's offer about staying with her.

Either way, I think we're going to have a lot of fun.

We need to get to know each other better, though. We like each other but know little besides our sexual deviances and pleasures.

I feel like I'm 17 again.

reposting this because i can't stop laughing or really do anything else while laughing this hard hahaha

chainsawr said:

lacey k said:

fuckn lolz...

chainyour - jerseys evillest kidnapper, named for his dungeon where he will chain your kid, girlfriend, or doctor to the wall til he gets wat he wants (a personal slave, no strings attached sex, and roxi prescriptions, in that order)

savesawr - a subliminal advertiser for wal marts discounted power tools

Click to expand...

ahahahaha i'm laughing way to hard at this right now i think i'm gonna wake my grandma up ahahaha wuv u boo aha

Click to expand...

Congrats Animal Cookie!
I know you are being married today or were married earlier
I wish you many many years of continuing deep love and happiness with your new hubby!

It almost seems redundant but looking back on my childhood lately has revealed a few things to me. mostly that i ended up having many of the social traits of people who i looked up to also seemingly obvious. but how could we do this even seeing the flaws of the personality we try to mimic. what are we to become if we had chosen to take on a destructive personality? i only bring it up because i was recently replaying my favorite game as a kid final fantasy 8 and realized i thought vary similar to squall the things he says and the way he acts towards people. also i have his restless mind and social awkwardness. as in i find it hard to consume myself with other people i hate being felt sorry for or feeling sorry, i think everyone needs to be self sufficient and cant stand thinking about what people are gonna say about me when im dead. its just strange how i could have subconsciously molded my personality and makes me wonder what else did i shape myself into and why? would i even remember? i know it kinda sounds dumb but how else can i explain it we take on admired personalities flaws and all. when our foundation crumbles whats really underneath? i guess after all that rambling my real question is why do i decide i want to be them. is it that the host personality seems to have solutions to our problems and that being more like them will give me an easier life? or is it that their problems seem admirable in comparison? and finally how is this done when we are so naive to the fact?

my ex Tom and I have reconnected. We made love last night. We love each other. He is good peoples. We are good together without our old habits ruining things.

I think its come at a cost though. The joking around, fun and somewhat close friendship with my flat mate is no more. I cant talk about it or try to fix it as he does not seem to want to am friends now. So maybe he should leave. Its making me upset in my home. Hes got women. So it cant be jealousy.

Oh well.

I put myself into rehab on 08/21/09 and was discharged today.

I journaled my feelings, thoughts and whatnot and will be posting them soon.

I feel good and intend to get moving on working on myself more.

I never want to feel like that again. I also never want to forget how it was when using.

I'm tired and need sleep.

Get ready for a shitload of entries BL Blogs!

in what was literally a split second of clarity i had the time to ask myself what am i really afraid of? to my surprise i answered back youre afraid of yourself because your not sure of yourself and dont know how to cope with reality. i pretend to be so smart but cant master myself. i dull down my accomplishments with exaggerated failure bucause when it comes down to it i dont know how to live just survive. im afraid if i were to climb out of this hole it would just hurt that much more when i fall again. i am prisoner to myself.

7:30 AM
Dude got his hands on real coffee. Yeah Man!!! It was instant and I filled half the cup with those grounds. Ha! Feels good to have that in me. This is day three of waking up feelin' good.

They don't turn the phones on until 11:00 AM. I just want to call my mom and tell her things are gonna be ok.

12:15 PM
I kinda have an attitude today. Its off and on. I ate lunch at the cafeteria by myself today. Started havin' thoughts that people are avoiding me. I don't think this is the case, if it is, fuck-em. I'm here for me. The 'tough guys' walkin' around don't fuck with me. I'm pretty tight with the black folks. Black folks are more real than these petty others.

When I get out of here I'm gonna fuck the shit out of one of my ex-girlfriends. She's just waitin' for me to get out. I'm not talking about 'M', she's dead to me.

I have NO sex drive up in here but when I get out I'm gonna do major fucking. Its weird, as I write that I know its not me. I'm not like that. I want a REAL relationship, not just a fuck buddy like 'M'. 'M' was real to me but I was just a stiff cock to her. Fuck her!

12:45 PM
I called to check on Shaman. They say he's doin' just fine.

On my way to group therapy. Let's see how this goes.

2:00 PM
Group was cool. It was a brief discussion on CBT.

A bunch of new folks arrived today. New faces, new perspectives. I like to be able to see through other people's eyes sometimes.

Its funny. We aren't allowed to have tea or coffee with caffeine in it but they have Mountain Dew in the vending machine. I've been drinking a shitload of that!

I was falling asleep in group so I think I need a nap. I'm allowed 1 valium a day so I'll take that before bed to insure I sleep.

Why do I like myself sometimes and hate myself at others?

5:30 PM
They have a computer room here. I asked my therapist if I could volunteer to teach basic computer skills to folks. I used to be a Technical Trainer for a large ISP. This would be good for me and good for others.

I was told that my discharge date will be September 9th. I think the time will go by quick.

I haven't hurt myself since that one time I put my cigarette out on my arm. I need to start caring about myself more. I really don't think I'm a bad person but, then again, I'm biased.

Fuck I've written a lot since I've been here. Poor Bluelight! My plan is to transfer all this to my blog. There's gonna be a lot of fuckin' entries!

I hope Pillthrill is doing ok. I don't have ANY phone numbers or addresses with me.

9:00 PM
They asked if I would speak at the 8:00 meeting tonight. I did but didn't feel like I had anything to offer. Apparently I did. It feels good.

8:45 AM
Five days clean now. People were thanking me for sharing my story at last nights meeting. One dude said that some stuff I was saying was a trigger for him. This is the place to be if you get hit with those triggers.

It really doesn't feel like a rehab here. There isn't much therapy, the only meetings we have are in our unit with our own unit members. This just means I gotta work harder when I get out.

12:30 PM
Its fuckin' boring in here. I would never recommend this facility. Its been around for ages but they must be getting complacent. The few meetings we have are bitch sessions. I had thoughts of walking out and living on the street until my discharge date in order to give my family the appearance that I've done the full program.

I feel angry for no apparent reason. I suspect I'll never get one-on-one therapy. Group therapy is just silly here. Its all up to me it looks like. I think I can do this. I WANT to do it but I feel like I'm wasting more time of my life just like I was wasting it getting high. Soon enough I'll be out.

2:15 PM
I have an appointment with the lady that reviews applications for those who want to volunteer. I'm looking to train basic computer skills to patients here. This place is fucked so I may as well throw in and help.

No education is required to be a Clinical Assistant (CA). They only require two years clean time.

5:25 PM
I've been approved to assist/tutor in the computer lab. They had me start right away. There was only one person there and apparently they only care about playing around with PrintShop. I want to help folks with file management, MS Word, MS Excel, etc. In time perhaps.

I think they put something in the food here. I haven't had a hard-on since being here, not even 'morning wood'. It works out though, I don't need to be all horny and shit hangin' here.

These two older women like to fuck with me. We talk sex and they say they're gonna tear my ass up. Makes me feel good since I really don't consider myself attractive.

Oh! A girl I was in detox with told me a dude in her unit had dope delivered. She was strong and told him to fuck off. I offered to beat him down but she doesn't want me to get charges. She's cute and gives great hugs. I dig her but thats not why I'm here. I don't think she digs me like that but maybe I'll catch her at a meeting someday.

9:30 PM
I'm in a rehab that doesn't have real 12 Step meetings. We have meetings in our unit but nobody has much clean time. So, once a day we hold a meeting. What I was expecting (and rightfully so) was that people with some clean time under their belts would come in and share how they did it. Beggars can't be choosers but, what the fuck? All that we do is smoke, watch TV, have group sessions that talk about insomnia, anger management, etc. and be bored.

I get to kill time from 3:00 to 4:00 tutoring in the computer lab but it is RIDICULOUSLY boring and behaviorally unproductive. I wonder if I can call my case worker at the county and see if I can relocate to another rehab. I'll call tomorrow.

Tonight was the last dose of valium that I'm permitted and I'm ok with that.

I'll be out soon enough. When I get out I'll make a brief appearance at the pizza shop to say 'hey' but then I gotta roll out. Changes need to be made and the pizza shop is one of them.

I'm tired. Good night.

Truly i was a child who forced himself to grow too fast. I was far too concerned about the destination i took little note of the journey. This is my biggest downfall could have at least observed the weathering first hand. Now all i do is look back and smile. Confounded by the past tense image of myself and how exactly i got here in this condition. Never really gave myself much room to grow always concerned with being one step ahead. In reality i was being left in the dust by my peers all the while telling myself that i am superior. A retrospect of everything reveals i succeeded in twisting up more and more stress all the while thinking about how much better it will be to be considered equal. I never gave myself enough slack wanted to be atlas with the world on my shoulders. If only i could have known that i was killing the child in myself. No one ever saw problems with this i kept the stress on chill couldn't let anyone see me weakened. Now i am grown somewhat and i now have the wisdom i so eagerly wanted but at such dire costs. If only i could have told myself to slow down a little that ill always have time to grow old but time to enjoy life is fleeting and you will wither and die inside if you keep this pace. I guess no point in looking back now to all of those eager to be something you are not just remember take it slow you dont want to lose yourself in your hurry. Let atlas be im sure the world can fend for itself a while.

I picked up my roommate I had in rehab and cruised over to a CA meeting in his area. It was cool. There were a bunch of guys he grew up with that are now clean there. Good people.

After the meeting we all went to this coffee house that holds meetings in the basement. It was karaoke night and it was PACKED with people in recovery.

I always isolate myself from others (whether I'm in recovery or in my addiction) and realize I need to break old/bad habits early in this game or I'll just end up fucking myself.

I was uncomfortable for most of the night hanging with so many strangers but eventually it got easier.

My rehab roommate is staying over tonight and we're gonna hit a meeting tomorrow during the day and then hit the meeting at the rehab tomorrow night.

His girl is still there and the girl I hooked up with there has two more weeks before discharge. We're excited we get to see them and they are excited they get to see us.

I know its dangerous to hook up with someone in rehab but these things happen (you'll read about my hook-up in my rehab journals)

Most likely the relationship with the girl I met will only be sexual but if it goes beyond that I won't complain. She's a good woman. We just need to be careful. Very careful. We still need to get to know each other much better. I don't want to interfere with her recovery and we both still have no idea who our real selves are so we NEED to keep other recovering addicts that have clean time around to keep us in check from bullshitting ourselves or, much worse, causing one or the other (or both) to relapse.

Anyway, its nice that I'm doing new things regardless of comfort level.

This is day two of my 90 meetings in 90 days. I've been clean before and never did a "90 'n' 90". This time around I NEED to follow suggestions. The "90 'n' 90" is one of them.

Caution must be exercised with this relationship even if it is just a sexual one.

Im ill, boo

It began with a real runny nose on Thursday accompanied by a sore mouth. Now I got a temperature, aches here and there and a cough to boot.

I'm staying in my room with some ganga and neurofen to beat it.

Last weekend was a long weekend here, so I headed to the Isle of Harris and stayed with two good friends who used share my house. I also got to meet my Kitty again, cause she moved with them. Here's some pictures, it's a beautiful place:
link-to-photos

Fucking cold, wet and windy but pretty. A few of those were taken in the fog on the summit of the highest mountain there. Had a few falls and got quite wet coming down (stoned) which I think is why I am sick now.

Ate lots of the freshest seafood every night and got drunk with K & G, my friends, every night before making an 18 hour bus, boat and car journey back to London.

Spent most of the week since dispatching a load of ebay sales - as I'm moving to Cambodia around the year end I am breaking one of my cars and selling lots of tools and rims and shit that's cluttering my life.

I spent all day yesterday removing the engine from one without the aid of any hoist or lifting gear and palleting it up. Got covered in oil from head to toe and left myself shattered but at least it's gone now.

I have a new West African housemate and a new Jamican housemate as of tho week and possibly a nice Trinidadian woman moves in next week, so it's all change here.

Except I'm still a lazy bastard who can't knockle down and do the final 80 hours of my ELT programme:D

I got to the facility at 11:00 am and sat in intake for 9 hours. They took a urine, checked my vitals, fed us a bag lunch, did a bag and body search, met with a nurse and then a doctor.

After all that I was taken to the non-hospital detox. People are cool here (with the exception of a couple of people who are here for the wrong reasons).

They give us Restorill at night to sleep and valium every 4 hours. I'm just taking the valium to sleep through the day.

I told them that I didn't need detox because I never had a physical habit to H. They wanted to put me on methadone. I told them AGAIN that I never had a physical habit and if they give me methadone that I'll just use it to get high and I'm not lookin' to get high. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER MONKEY ON MY BACK (its too crowded on my back right now as it is).

I watched Forrest Gump last night and felt tears comin' on. Why the hell am I turnin' into a girl up in here?

Yesterday morning my friend, Chris, was found dead in his bed by his father. He just got out of rehab again about a month ago and was trying to get his life back together for his little girl.

He was supposed to go to Justin and Angie's a few days ago for dinner, but he ended up not showing. When Justin asked him about it he said that he didn't even remember their conversation or anything. Justin thought about calling Chris' father to let him know to keep an eye on him but he didn't. Now Justin is beating himself up over this.

All we can do is speculate on what happened now. I can't believe this is happening.

Well it looks like I screwed shit up again. Well I wouldn't say that I did but of course in my families eyes I did. I swear, I hate always feeling like the black sheep of the family...and I bet if it was any of my other cousins it wouldn't have been that big of a deal at all.

What happened was I was watching the kids over my aunts house while she is in Las Vegas but I needed to cop tonight because I was sick all afternoon and couldn't even take care of the kids. I was lucky chuck got me well last night otherwise I would have been even worse. So what I did was ask Devin if he could watch his younger brother while I went to check on what was wrong with my car (it won't go in reverse). I felt ok leaving them for about an hour because Devin told me that he watched and took care of his brother all day yesterday. I couldn't take my car so I took my uncles truck which I will admit that wasn't smart but I drove safely and made sure my insurance was still active so it wasn't like I was doing this blindly. I made sure everything was ok and safe.

Once I got downtown and parked my grandpa called and bitched at me to get my ass home with the kids. I had to get my shit first though, I wasn't going to be sick. After scoring I didn't waste any time driving back to my aunts.

Upon arriving I saw my moms car was in the driveway so I knew this was bad news. When I got inside my mother was mad with me and kept asking where I went. I told her that I went to a place to ask about by car and to my friends to pick up some clothes (which he really did have some for me, but I really picked them up the night before). She kept going on about how mad everyone was, I still didn't get why though. If you look at the big picture nothing bad happened. Then my mom did something I never saw her doing. Mother accused me of being high. I told her I wasn't which was the truth but she said my eyes were red and if they really were then I have no idea why they were.

I then got the answer to my question about why my mom was accusing me of being high after she called my grandpa. While she was talking to him I heard her say "no dad he wasn't high" meaning my own grandpa was telling my mom I was out getting high. I bet this was all over the needles in the basement he found. Then to top it off my mom said it was ok for me to stay there with the kids but my grandpa insisted they stay with him or my mom tonight.

It just really pissed off no one in this family trusts me when I am a good person. I might have an addiction, but I have never let it hurt any of my family directly. It's like only my mom can see the good intentions I really have.

I went to an NA meeting tonight. I was uncomfortable.

I shared that I was fresh outta rehab and that I typically get uncomfortable before and after meetings (not during). When I'm uncomfortable I get in my head. When I'm in my head I want to use.

I let folks know that I was concerned about coming home tonight because I had spikes at my house.

After the meeting a dude followed me home and stood by while I flushed my weed (GASP!!!!) and wrapped my spikes in multiple bags (after bending them).

I was concerned about disposal and dude said he would take them to the hospital and have them dispose of them.

Wow.

9:10 AM
Woke up this morning feeling good. Weird. Last night I was burning myself with cigarettes. Today I feel alright in my own skin.

Today is the first day that I'm allowed in the cafeteria. Food is edible and I ran into a home group member from when I was in NA. That was cool.

I was thinkin' some harsh shit about 'M' last night. I guess I'm just disappointed. I love(d) herbut she is lookin' for someone like her best friend's man. I'm me, not him. When the time is right, a good woman will be around when I'm supposed to have a good woman. 'M' isn't an option. She probably told her family the whole story about me. They're old school Germans who showed me love but after she tells them my deal I'll never be accepted into that wonderful family. There are plenty of good families out there and I am a good person.

4:15 PM
There's drama goin' on in here. Someone got hold of some K-pins and some folks took them. Staff is investigating the shit.

This young buck came outside where I was smokin' and said "Why you fuckin' snitchin'?!?!"

I jumped in his face and said, "You callin' me a snitch motherfucker?". I was ready to toss him through the glass window.

He says, "Nah, I say that to everyone. I'm just fuckin' around."

Dude, you ain't fuckin' around. 'Snitch' is a strong word. Spread rumors about me when I'm tryin' to get well and I'll tear your fuckin' throat out with my teeth. Dude has no idea. I keep to myself. You guys wanna get high up in here, go ahead. Leave me out of it. I just wanna get out of this detox unit and into the rehab part.

I'm worried about what I'll do if this little pussy gets in my face. This kid might be 20 or 21 years old. He's spoiled and probably never had his ass kicked. I can't get kicked outta here over stupid shit. I want to get better.

Oh! I woke up happy today! That hasn't happened in a long time.

I just took my valium and can have one more before bed in addition to the Restorill so I can zonk out and start another day. I hope they put me in the rehab unit tomorrow. I never had a physical habit so I hope the therapist sees that.

We had a group session today and there's a patient that has a service dog for her vision problem. I asked if I could pet him and she said 'Sure'. That dog licked my face until it was wet! Reminded me of my dog who loves to lick my face and bald ass head.

I miss Shaman. I can't wait to get out and start making up for all the neglect from my using. Me and him are gonna go to dog parks, many walks and play toys outside.

I hope you're doing ok my friend. Daddy will be home soon! Your belly is gonna be scratched so well when I get out.

Well, time for some push-ups. I wanna look good when I get out of here. I wanna fall in love with someone and start my life again. Apparently I have assets that women like:
1) Never been married
2) Never had kids

I'm aware that its early in this yet so my wants and needs will be changing often.

Oh! Fuck 'M'. Keep on runnin' from the difficult things. You never loved me.

6:10 PM
At dinner I asked some staff members what kind of education is required to work here. They said none. Two years clean time is required but they always accept volunteers. Options, options, options.

Right now I have to wait 5 hours to go to bed. I could go now but I rely on the valium and Restorill to keep me asleep. I can't be awake in the middle of the night and not be allowed to smoke... ...so I wait.

I trusted you with my heart. You said I could be myself and that you were safe to take chances with exposing my emotions. You called me a liar. Look at you, I cried ONCE to you and the next day you just dropped me like all those other pieces of shit you fucked. I always suspected you only cared about having someone to fuck without worrying about STD's. Why didn't you just say that in the first place? I don't just fuck. I do fuck but its something that is done with someone you love. Sorry we didn't have mutual love. Live and learn, right? Good luck with your fuck fests, coward.

Woke up to a loud speaker to have vitals taken. Took my valium to sleep through until the next dose so I can sleep. I just wanna get out of this unnecessary detox and get on to rehab itself.

So far a dude got caught with a cell phone, another dude got caught with Kolonopins and another dude keeps screamin' about twenty bucks that was apparently stolen.

A girl in here gave her methadone to some other girl who was dope sick. I told the nurse that I thought I actually did need methadone so I could tongue it and give it to the girl who gave hers away. They shot me down.

I'm bored and I miss my dog. I have no thoughts on my ex. Have a nice life 'M'. I will. Shit, I might even get laid up in here. Sex sucks for me if I can't go down on a girl. I ain't stickin' my dick in somethin' I can't eat.

I already want to leave. This detox is unnecessary and boring. I want to get high. I want to see my dog.

I WANT OUT OF HERE!

I want to go back to Colorado and turn my back on everyone. I want a TRUE friend (not that false friendship I had with 'M')

I WANT TO SEE MY DOG! He is a true friend.

FUCK EVERYONE!!!

9:00 PM
NOTE TO SELF: If I go through this shit again, remember to bring all one dollar bills. Assholes don't have a change machine in the detox unit and the vending machines only take ones. I almost was able to reach up inside the machine and grab some snacks but its not that important. Skinny dude said he could do it but I didn't want no one gettin' in trouble for an eighty-five cent Bear Claw.

They don't feed us enough here in the detox unit but in the rehab unit you can eat enough to keep ya goin'.

Oh! I had no idea valium was water soluble! I hear it gives a tiny rush when injected but its too late in the game for new firsts in the quest for gettin' high.

Time for another type of new firsts:
1) A woman that actually cares
2) A time when I actually give a fuck about myself
3) Can't think of anything else

I just gotta get out of this unit and get to the rehab unit. Time will fly by then and I'll actually be able to eat enough food to keep my stomach from growling.

I'm gonna eat a shitload of salads when I get to the next unit.

I had thoughts of punchin' one of the walls to break my hand and get discharged but all I need to do is get to the rehab unit. Two more days and I'll be on my way to gettin' better.

I still gotta get someone to clear all the shit outta my house (weed, beer, spikes).

Nothing is being accomplished in this unit except for a fondness for valium and a hungry stomach.

There are some good people here. I can do without the patients that think they are counselors. They don't know, they just recite NA/AA literature. I can memorize shit too but that doesn't mean I ever practiced it. Ain't no one better than anyone in here.

I never worried about food before this because was never hungry. I have an appetite now and am fuckin' hungry.

To 'M',
You fuckin' hurt me with your cold hearted text. Fuck you. Fuck your little friends that have no idea about us except for the drama you tell them. Didja ever tell them the good things about me? About us? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck more anonymous strangers. Happiness isn't through your pussy, sweetheart. Go ahead and chase after that cock. I'm never touching you again. If you ever contact me, I'll say everything I can to make you cry. I thought you were a friend. Fuck you. I used to be spellbound by you but I was actually spellbound by who I thought you were. Now go get some dick. Chase after it like I chased after drugs. I no longer wish you happiness. You'll never find it listening to your close-minded skeptical friends. "I'm out. I'm done." Fuck you, asshole.

12:15 AM
I picked up a wonderful new habit on my full day of unnecessary detox. Fuck ashtrays. I use my arm to put my cigarettes out on. I NEED TREATMENT NOT NEGATIVE OUTLETS FOR MY AGGRAVATION. Where are these tools they say say are available to help deal with things? I was close to punching a brick wall today. This place is not helping me. Everyone is still manipulating the system to get high. Trading methadone for valium, spitting liquid valium in each others mouths so they can get higher. I came here for help but I'm just learning new games to play. I refuse to play these games. I DO WANT TO HURT MYSELF STILL. I'M JUST LOOKING AND FINDING NEW WAYS TO DO SO.

I'm waitin for the bus from rehab to pick me up to start this thing

I'll be in detox for 2 to 5 days and then rehab for 14 days.

I'm glad I won't be away from my dog for as long as I suspected. I miss him already.
Last night I shot a gram and a half of coke, drank 3 beers and smoked weed

I never got rid of my spikes and I have weed stashed at home. I'm gonna have to get a friend to get rid of that shit when I get out

I've been to meetings at the rehab they are placing me in. It has been around for a long time and has a good rep.

I smoked weed before coming to this place. I'm glad cause I'm nervous. I'm kinda scared too. I'm gonna have to make a lot of changes in my thinking and behavior. They'll give me the tools I need to do this, I just need to use them

See ya's when I get out

Survival:
* a state of surviving; remaining alive
* a natural process resulting in the evolution of organisms best adapted to the environment
* something that survives
source

When I think of the word survival I think of a more recent time in my life.....
Throughout my life I have lived through rape, sexual assault, drug addiction,falling off of a cliff, a car accident, abuse of all kinds, lies and manipulation by the people I have loved, brainwashing, countless times of taking too much of something and near death experiences.........
But none of that seems like 'survival'.....even though it fits the definition.....

A little over a year ago, in only a few short months, my mother had a heart attack (she is okay now), I finally got pregnant (after 5-6 yrs of trying/not preventing and 2 fertility treatment cycles) and then lost the baby on Mothers Day, no less.My husband had a psychotic episode (he has schizoaffective disorder) and for more than three months he was in and out of complete psychosis........
Throughout all of this I was expected to keep our life together and work and function as a normal person while trying to settle my husbands medical care and disability, care for him at home and care for myself......
The caring for myself was almost impossible.....
I had so much anxiety from not dealing properly with the death of my baby b/c I had to care for my husband so soon after the miscarriage, that I developed an eye twitch and was asked to take at least a week off of work b/c I was going crazy......a few months go by and we moved and he drank as much alcohol as he could find and we separated due to him becoming a devil combining benzos and alcohol and me not being able to function b/c of my stress levels.....
We got back together and have this amazing renewed love for each other...a new appreciation and a stronger bond than we have ever had.......
When I think of survival, I think of that.
That full year of complete hell.
I survived it...........and I am better for it.
I grew from it.........

Well I have to go to work in about a half an hour...

I am trying to do me, but sometimes it is hard. It's hard enough when I am trying to take customer's drink orders and all their drunk asses can do is talk about what they think my pussy tastes like. And a lot of the employees are the same way too. I almost want to quit my job because of it. They think it's okay to slap my ass and ask me to get a motel with them after work all the time. And now my manager is in on it too... the other day some of the cooks were screaming how they want to go in the back room and fuck, and then my manager came in and said, "Shut the fuck up, I told you guys to leave her alone, she's mine! You can have any other one but her, Brittany's mine!" and he said it in front of everyone too, so now all the other girls that work there are acting funny toward me because they think that my manager and I have something going on! It's so embarrassing! And it's not like I can be like, "he's the one coming on to me, I don't want anything to do with him!" because what if it gets back to him.....
so I'm nervous about going into work today. I'm sick of this shit! It is really starting to make me hate men!!

And I have a lot of anxiety... I've noticed this since I've kicked dope. My face will turn beat red all the time over nothing. The smallest things will make me embarrassed. Well it doesn't help that all the guys at work treat me like I'm a fucking object. I can't wait until I meet a good guy around here...

When I got home last night my Uncle was drunk across the street so I talked to him. Well, he made me cry. He kept talking about how my Father has done all the things he's done for me because he wanted me to have a better life than they had. Yes, I do feel bad. When my Mother was removed from the house a while ago, there was a lot of things my Dad should have done and could have done. This is something that has bothered me for a while. But now I realize that it is not all about me. I put myself in my Father's shoes and I realize that he was in a relationship, he was hoping for her to get better. I understand this now...
In the past, if you didn't do heroin then I didn't want anything to do with you. I really need to try to get rid of that mindset. At work I was talking with this girl, and she was telling me how she doesn't do drugs. So I was thinking, "Well she doesn't do drugs so I'm not hanging out with her then." But then I had to really sit back and think... I mean yeah, it would be great if I could meet a connection... but would it really? I don't want to disappoint my Father anymore and hurt him... but I feel awkward around all the "goody goody" girls. I really need to change something here...

Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.