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10:45 AM
I didn't have the opportunity to write about "The Second Thing" last night. It was merely petty drama concerning a rumor that a staff member slept with a patient.

At around 8:45 this morning the dude I got into it with came up to me and said, "Jeff, I owe you an apology". We shook hands and it was over, but…

My skin roommate was discharged at 9:45 this morning. Maybe 10 minutes later, the dude that I almost fought stepped up to his girl and said something along the lines of "Now that your boy is gone you can talk, huh?" WTF? She handled it ok but I promised my boy I would look out for her.

I hate this stupid shit. These mother fuckers aren't here to get better. They're just looking for tail. I NEED to focus on me without the bullshit distractions.

Earlier this morning, when I woke up, I was in fight mode (this was before the dude apologized to me). It was very cold this morning and I was pissed that I couldn't wear a jacket to breakfast. A loose, fleece jacket is a detriment in a fight. I was also concerned that the two pairs of shoes I brought are slip-ons. No laces means that they'll fall off and give my opponent an advantage. I also tacked a calendar on my wall and 'shadow boxed'. I basically kept my eye on certain dates on the calendar and threw punches at them to improve accuracy.

I wasn't expecting or planning to have a jailhouse mentality in rehab. I'll need the weekend to de-program myself when I leave here.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I see significant changes already but these are merely the basics returning.

12:30 PM
I have group therapy in about 15 minutes. The therapist goes around the room and asks each one of us what we would like to talk about concerning ourselves. I think an appropriate topic would be 'rage' for me.

It takes a lot for me to get angry but that anger turns to rage very, very quickly. This kind of rage is something I just hold on to. When I hold onto it, other instances of rage occur and it all builds up until I explode again.

2:00 PM
Our group was on CBT concerning addiction, the pros and cons of it all. The cons, of course, outweigh the pros but we still pursue our addiction regardless.

There's one dude in our group, a dark skinned black guy, who's veins fuckin' POP out of his skin. I get distracted by this often. I think I'll make it a point to sit next to him in future groups so that I don't fixate on them and get distracted from the knowledge being discussed.

I'm due in the computer room for my tutoring obligation from 3:00 to 4:00. Yesterday was females only and it was dead, well actually, no-one was there.

The days when it is men only is packed. Thus far today, 2 or 3 dudes approached me with questions concerning the computer room. Interesting…

4:05 PM
I just got done over at the computer lab. I mentioned before that folks are more interested in Print Shop. Print Shop is a greeting card, flier, business card creator. Its a rather simple program but I haven't used it in something like fifteen years. I know my way around a computer but something as simple as editing a border had me looking like a complete idiot. Oh well, swallow your pride and ego, Jeff. That's kinda what this is about, its all about change. I guess these simple things are gradual lessons in the attempt to change.

4:20 PM
Note to self: Tell Steph (my friend's girl) that I'm not here to intrude on her privacy. I'm here to make sure no-one fucks with her and to make sure she gets everything she needs to be comfortable with that baby in her belly.

I don't want her to think I'm 'watching her'. I'm not. I made a promise to a good dude that I'd look out for her. I'm not gonna be her shadow. That would SUCK for her. Its all good.

5:10 PM
Just got back from dinner. I told Steph that I'm not here to 'watch' her, I'm here to 'watch out' for her. She laughed and told me she's depressed because John (her man) left today. They make a good couple.

Steph also told me she's trying to get me and her roommate together. Her roommate is the girl that tried to stop me from running downstairs to fight that guy. I told her that I'm conflicted. I'm attracted to her roommate but this place isn't the dating game. We're here to get better. However, I AM diggin' this girl. Physically she reminds me of a very thin 'M'. Steph said that she was just trying to arrange it so we could talk and stuff. We do talk but I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and interfere with their recovery. Women have it tough here. They have to put up with the distractions of us guys scoping them out. Fuck that, I'm not out to hurt anyone. Besides, I'm in love with 'M'.

I need to:
1) Take care of myself (recovery-wise)
2) Get over the loss of 'M'
3) Plain and simple… GET BETTER

I feel a little better today.

Sleep was really restless, though. I tossed and turned all night. I went to bed around 9pm, but I didn't even sleep until around 1am or so. I bought a packet of NyQuil gelcaps to try and help myself sleep. I ended up taking four at once and I'm not even sure if it did anything. I almost contemplated anesthetizing myself with a bunch of DXM, but I have no idea how that will affect me, nor am I willing to really pump myself full of DXM, or any drug for that matter, at this point.

Ah what am I saying--what I wouldn't give for some Xanax, Valium, or even a Soma.

That said, I do feel a little better today. I keep telling myself that every successive night, I will sleep better and better. Not perfect for a while, I'm sure, but it'll get better.

There's a family vacation at the end of this month. I can't wait to be sitting on a boat in tranquil water, comfortable, pleasant, and sober. I'm looking forward to that so much.

[edit] -- totally thought it was nitrous... so I replaced the places where I said "nitrous" with dustoff

So, I tried dustoff (thinking it was nitrous) for the first time tonight. It was interesting, but I don't think it's worth taking a lot. I feel like I'm ruining my braincells. Plus, one of our friends is an idiot while under the influence of anything, and that turned out to bite us.

I walked in to our apartment after working out, to my roommates lighting up a new bong they had just bought. So I went to go take a shower, then join them. When I got out, instead of weed, I found them with dustoff, and they offered some to me. -- I feel kinda bad, because if I do a drug, I like to know the downsides to the drug before I do it; and, I didn't read up on nitrous -- anyway, I took a small 'hit' of the stuff, and found a nice little numbing buzz. I didn't laugh too much, so I thought I either didn't take a big enough hit, or I'm taking some other lame drug.

A few minutes later, I went in for the second hit. I took a big one, probably 5-6 seconds of inhaling the dustoff. That's when I really felt it. The first affect I noticed was the buzz and numbness in my face; the second affect, a lightheaded feeling; the third, the buzz started moving up and down my face; then the hard trance techno I had playing in the background seemingly slowed down. I felt like I actually heard the beat and the melody get slower. It pulsed inside my head and vibrated through my body, and I stared at the laptop in front of me, which pierced through everything else in the room. All of the lights, and the silhouettes of the people all seemed to spin and blend with the background, while the laptop shined on vividly. I then leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes... *closes eyes*

Everything's black, and I got lost in my own mind. I started to have a seemingly weak dream, it was a long dream that I forgot shortly after. I remember seeing some of my family in it, and I was happy in it, but I woke up a minute later with my roommate kind of freaked out that my eyes were closed for so long. Apparently she put her hands on my chest to see if my heart was beating (she was a bit freaked out)... but I didn't feel nor hear any of my roommates in the background. I'm not sure if I passed out or not, but it was weird.

After that, I took some more of the nitrous and that's when I decided I didn't like the feeling of it. It felt like my face was numb, my tongue was vibrating, and I felt oblivious to any sort of emotional pain. It almost felt like I had eradicated all the bad things in the world, only to ruin the good things. I suddenly missed the feeling of pain, or cold air, or worrying. Without the bad feelings, the good feelings become bad-- don't worry, not a revelation I had or anything... just the decision I came to about dustoff (lol).

Well, anyway, we took some more of the stuff, looked at some trippy youtube videos, and some other stuff, but one of my roommate's friends just couldn't stop taking the stuff, and he ran into the bathroom with it. We didn't notice for like a minute, but we ran into the bathroom to find him fucked up leaning on the toilet and floor. He was spaced, gone, nearly passed out. He must have fallen backwards on the toilet, because the top part of it was now shattered and was flooding the bathroom. Idiot friend. I was pissed at him, and threw him out of the room, and fixed the fucking toilet (which we have to replace now ; he's paying).

I think I like weed better, there's less of a body high on it. And I know what to expect... and it feels less dangerous.

Up next: first time on shrooms, acid, mdma, dxm, and whatever else happens to conjure itself up in my path.

"this coffee isnt my coffee." exclaimed the half dressed woman who stood displeased by the counter. her hair was frayed and jumbled in what appeared to be some small animal's resting place. "you re-made the coffee, didnt you?" the accusation wasnt so cleverly disguised as a question behind her furrowed brow in the silent air of the morning hours. her lips pursed together as if to say why are you even in my house?
"i'll make another pot, mom. i thought it was from last night." a lie easily seen as such, i've never been good at that kind of thing.
"why bother? im leaving in ten minutes. i had a cup of the other coffee and it was so good." she sipped the side of the heart covered mug then wrenched her face in disgust, "i guess i'll just drink this."
"im sorry, i can make another pot in no time mother." i said pulling the coffee maker towards the end of the counter.
"i dont want another pot child. i want the old pot, but it's not here anymore, is it?"
"obviously not mother, but it could be."
"no it cant. my coffee is probably half way to tahiti by now in that drain"
"i dont think drains lead to tahiti."
"i dont think all the cords are correctly situated in your brain."
"sounds pretty serious."
she turned on her heel and scuffled to her room, disgruntled and mumbling about my bad taste in coffee and planning how to incorporated this into her daily gossip fest at work. postal workers are professional counselors when it comes to birds returning to the nest.

My mother and I haven't been talking as much since my 'fight' (that wasn't) with my father-
She is obviously hurt by this and calls all the time and I don't return the call.
I feel like a shitty daughter and I feel bad for her........
The background on my mother-
I have ALOT of issues with her- from a very young age she became my friend and not my mother- at 11 I was going with her to concerts and parties where she and her friends were getting fucked up (and she tried to get me to smoke pot) there are a million and one stories of my mother's poor choices.
She has made these choices out of a deep need to be loved and needed.
My father wasn't around much in my life and I replaced that companionship.
Anytime my mother needed guidance, she came to me....this has continued since my mom first saw me as 'an old soul'-
ANyway- She changes her views and what she thinks to fit whoever she is with or whoever she feels will benefit her more........
When my father and I had the spat, if you want to call it that, when i went to visit- my mother came up with all these claims that my father was in the right- I yelled at her and hung up.....
She flat out lied, like she always does.
I hate lies BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER.
She lies, keeps secrets and lives her life in this glorious bubble of denial.
It infuriates me that I can't let it go.......
ANYWAY-
My mother obviously has noticed my distance from her (I am doing this to try to protect myself from situations like today- She is my mother and I love her soooooo much. I see her as someone I need to take care of and comfort and console all the time....I do love her but it is a strange relationship- very turned around) So.....the last few times I have spoken with her, she does this voice like 'poor me' and I haven't been as coddling to her as usual.....
I have been distant and cut our talks short.
I feel mean and have caused this situation by being my mothers mother for the last 10 + years.......
But now I need a breather....like even a short one.
I feel guilty for it- my mom always said anytime I didn't want to talk to someone or didn't do what she wanted 'what if (blank) dies- won't you feel guilty!!' - Because her father died when he and I hadn't made up from my fight with him (he punched me and chased me around the house screaming all sorts of bs at me b/c i was disrespectful and not a catholic- i was 13) But she put this fear into me that now that I am wanting a bit of distance from her for a little while, what if something happens to her.......won't I feel awful.
Tonight Im listening to her talk and then she realizes I am still being distant so she decides to pull the whole 'I am in so much pain- I am so sick" (she has fibromyalgia and so do I so I can relate but she is just looking for me to coddle her) So I say 'Im sorry- I hope you feel better' in a cold voice.......
I couldnt hide it.
I knew she was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her....then she says she just wants to die and starts crying and says how she is okay if she dies now b/c she can watch over me and my brother and I was like 'When you are in alot of pain, it is normal to have thoughts of death and dying- but it will get better don't worry about it'
SO THEN she sees that is not going to work and she STOPS CRYING. like on a dime turn around!
UGH.
I knew it was alllll manipulation like always.......
Then she starts talking about my brother(she is jumping from one thing to the next to try to get reactions out of me and it was SO TRANSPARENT) She starts in on how his girlfriend gets all the attention and she doesn't get a letter but when he needs something, he will write to her.
That is when I snapped.
I am sorry. but my brother is in fucking Iraq- and yeah, right now he is safe at a base but he wasn't.....he was out fighting and seeing shit I can't even imagine.....so for my mother to act like my brother owes her something b/c she sent him a pair of fucking sunglasses when he needed it made my blood boil. And I said to her 'You are his parent. He does not owe you anything. That is your job as a mother, to take care of your son when he needs it- you act as if b/c you sent him a pair of glasses he is now in debt to you and must write to you every other day!'
She got all uppidy and was like 'oh, well, i have to go' (in this hurt voice....again trying to make me feel bad) so i said okay and we hung up.
What erks me is -
I KNOW what she is doing and I STILL feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!
I still feel guilty.
I think, My poor mother.
She is so lonely and just needs love......
But not once did she ask how I was feeling.....or how Andrew was feeling.......no no....
Man.....my parents confuse the hell out of me.
Just when I start to recover from their constant mindfucks- they strike again.
DAMNIT!

I swear to you, I am not a bitch.

Vvffd

This past week has been intense. The fact that I won't hear Chris's laugh again is just too much to bear. I can't believe he's gone and I don't think I ever will.

The whole world seems to be against me. Once I start feeling slightly better, everything blows up in my face and it's back to square one. It never ends.

Part of me just wants to end it all, but I can't do that to my mom or my Azrael. I scare myself though because sometimes the feeling is so strong that I don't even think about them. All I can do is hope the feeling passes. It always does, but I feel like a walking time bomb.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Had work a lil there...then 2 hour lunch break cause we are slow.

Anyway, he was smart and we had a lot in common but not so much that we couldn't learn from each other. There isn't anything we can't talk about.

With Sean, I couldn't remember, other than our first date when I was drunk and he just listened neither of us could remember a time where we just sat and talked all night.

Things with Tony are interesting for some reason we both feel like we have been together for months and act like it. I feel bad because it seems like I replaced Sean with Tony, instead of staying the night at Sean's I stay with Tony. Although I have to bring my own pillow since he has 2 furbabies that shed like crazy and I'm allergic. But I guess I had been falling away from Sean cause well, I was easy, he thought I would never leave. He told me so afterwards. He started to treat me badly and even when he was ok, he was ok.... Tony, I know its new, just seems so different.

Now I mentioned we get stoned, well we have a lot as of late just because, well I can. Sean was always so judgemental about things. Tony accepts me as I am. So I did some drugs, big deal. Not so wild about meth, but I wouldn't have to hide it from him. He doesn't hassle me about my glasses the way Sean always did, that I should wear my contacts. Or my make-up...he says he doesn't like a lot and he can't deside on a little or none lol. I know its new but we are both rather smitten with each other. That is the word we have chosen.

I've been having interesting experiences. I've been watching movies with Tony, stoned. Something I never did before, and I said "Its like my brain is relubricated and running sideways." I just suddenly saw everything in it so differently although I had seen it many times before.

Then the other day, ok back up. I'm lil so Tony as dropped adorable and cute cause I hate it, and has taken up the "pet name" of calling me a pixie. So I decided, ok yeah I just cut my hair and its a fun concept and I like him saying that (although he is on the short side, he says that I'm one of the few women that makes him feel tall. He seems amazed often at how little I am... at 22 lol ) so I decided instead of being a vampire as usual this halloween I'd be a pixie. So I looked it up...its origin is CORNISH! My family on my mom's side came from Cornwall, England. When I was younger and asked why I looked so "dark" (eyes hair, all that) my mother said it was the cornish in me. Strange huh?

So I have started on my costume already. I was inspired to be creative and that night I was filled with a very Piscan like sense of creativeity and mysticism that I haven't felt in a LONG time.
Not to mention, he is working on the house he lives at and we often will sit and talk decorating. His roomate that lives upstairs (and her illegal immigrant bf who Tony can't even speak to because he doesn't know spanish, he does like ordinary for sure...and I think he has a huge heart. But its a lil strange, now and then I bug him about it... ) doesn't really do any decorating or anythign downstairs, so Tony and I talk about it.

His living is this really sweet mix of antique and industrial. It's truely an amazing concept. But the walls are bare. He does have some blueprints of nuclear bombs we used to put up and a old old interesting movie poster... but he has commissioned me to do a art project for another.
He wanted to see my take on him. The things he enjoys and how I see him. So I've been working on that and I hope to be able to maybe share it with you all.

The photos will be black and white to try to add and keep the antique look...I mean he has a antique typewriter on his coffee tabe which is a old balck trunk, part of a wonderfully colored blue motorcyle on metal shelving with his books, and a old wooden radio in the corner...its so hard to explain it really but it works! ANY....
we think putting the pictures up on a old worn cork board would be a interesting way to display them, but wear would you find one....

The large flea market they have around here a couple times a year. (I had told Sean about it and he said no way.) You can find all kinds of strange and wonderful things there so we are planning to go in October. Good maybe I won't get heat stroke.

Hmm Tony is different in a lot of ways, only 3 years older but more together. BUT still young at heart. Sean hates bars, Tony doesn't mind hitting one with me. Sean doesn't like his parents that much...Tony sees them often lately, party out there and all, but my parents were like his second parents and holds them in high esteem. Sean hasn't met any of my friends and would say things like he doesn't like my family and he doesn't even want to meet my friends. Tony on the other hand, already knows some of my friends and like I said is rather accepting naturally and likes them, has no issues.

Right now, we see each other daily since he is so close, just across town, that isn't far compared to Sean. I still haven't mentioned to my family that Sean and I are done and that I"m seeing Tony, I mean he was the older kid next door and I'm not sure how they are going to feel about it. Although it really does seem like he would treat me right, and if he didn't there would be hell to pay I'm sure. But then agai I thought Sean would be a certain way and he changed, now he is committed to becoming that old person I fell for but it might all be too little, too late.

Of course being on my meds and off meth helps, pver a month off... I can see serious addiction there, but now and then I'm not totally turned off by the drug. Tony said he had run into it now and then, someone told him it was coke and then laughed when he learned it wasn't, dirty trick to play if you ask me. But really neither of us do anything but smoke pot together at night at the moment. My pain pills will be around here soon, but we have talked and he doesn't seem like he would be too bothered, as long as I maintained it....and well, I go half the month or more sober anyway because I run out. Lol

Right now I feel happy, and alive. Its sad Sean feels the way he does but thats just the way it went...

Life is never simple, perhaps life is nothing more than a series of random events and we make the choices that make those events not random and contain some meaning...

A few people have asked how my life has been since my 4 week ban...


Well a lot can change in a month.
I finally found a new job, running an accounting program at a auto care shop. I imput parts into the program, customer invoice tickets and make sure things get paid, then filing. It was really stressful at first. Learning new things are hard consider I have NO experience with Peachtree, Shopkey or any program like it. Not to mention my boss can be a lil hot tempered.. But right now, for some reason I get stuff done and just sit here and wait for the phone to ring. Rather boring. I could fall asleep right here.

I broke up with Sean. It all started when I ran into my old neighbor at the bar. 8 years my senior we never hung out when I was a kid. But we got along well and stayed in contact. One night he invited me back to his place for a few more beers after the bar closed... that was the start of many nights spent talking about stuff for hours and hours until the sun came up.
We have our own lingo, things we say that no one else would get, and keep a running list of things that we say when we are stoned that are funny. We have created a multi-color list of post-it notes on his fridge that it now moving to his unfinished walls after just a few weeks. lol But hey it can use the color.

He knew I was taken and tried not to cross the line. But I flirted and he did as well. I just couldn't believe how well we got along, he made me feel good, happy (meds help I'm sure), he was funny and smart and just great. We started planning a party that we will be having out in the woods that we used to play in as kids. There is a train tressle that we are going to have a bonfire under and even a little bridge to cross the creek in front of it. I'm very excited, its this Saturday.

As this goes on, we spend a lot of time together. With Sean living so far away it made things hard and he just hadn't been the person I fell for. I tried to break up with him once but it just hurt to much.

Another night talking to Tony, likely stoned, I realized. Sean is 12.... He uses the fact that he can't drive as an excuse not to work, and to just live in his partent's house at 27. I mean Tony can't drive either. He bikes to work and has his own place (although something has to be done about the cats...my god they shed so bad that my allergies go crazy) But anyway, I saw Sean going one way and me going another. Plus Tony and I were falling for each other and I was falling away from Sean. So I told him, get your life together, grow up, get a job, move out, perhaps drive and then call me and see what I'm doing.

He later texted me that this was a huge wake up call for him. Well I would hope so. I do want him to be happy, with or without me. He tells me that he loves me (over text when the whole 8 months we were together he never would say it back) and that he would change things and he wanted to have lunch so that I and I could end on good terms rather than the asshole way he treated me when I left. I still have some things to pick up anyway.

I'm not sure about this. I don't want it to become complicated. Tony seems ok, he knows that things are complicated. He didn't exspect that I would choose him... Really we are quite smitten with each other. Have a lot common but not some much we couldn't learn from each other.....

more later....

Just got home from a meeting. The folks there are good people and many remember me. They have reached out to me and it feels good.

After the meeting a bunch of dudes were hanging out across the street shootin' the shit. I could have went over and hung out to get to know more people that are trying to do this thing I'm trying to do. I hopped in my car and went home instead.

I used to dull my loneliness with drugs. I don't have that luxury anymore. This is a good thing. I need to learn how to face and deal with the things that make me uncomfortable. Face shit head on, ya know?

Shari didn't call today. I told her she could call collect but I don't know if collect calls can be made to cell phones. I'm curious (and concerned) as to what staff at the rehab had to say to her and my rehab roomie's girl about being with us the other night.

I'm worried about my rehab roommate as well. Something just doesn't feel right.

I'm tired and I know how that affects my mood and perceptions, but still... ...something is amiss.

It bothers me that I analyze things so much.

I sure would like to hear a woman's voice right about now. I don't know why. I'm afraid that perhaps I am trying to escape through chasing after relationships.

Isn't it natural to want to be with someone? I'm confused but this is to be expected.

Being clean is hard.

I have 18 days clean right now.

I hope I don't fuck this up.

Man, I'm inclined to disregard the concept of coincidence.

I went to the pizza shop that I work(ed) at to grab something to eat.

I was sitting at a table eating my chow and a regular customer came in. He went to grab a soda but the machine was out of ice. I popped behind the counter and grabbed $3 from the drawer and walked next door to the gas station to get a bag of ice.

Standing in line to pay, I see this cute girl jumping in and out of her SUV. She was high energy and had killer red hair. I then realized I knew her. It was the young girl with the Irish freckles from rehab!

I jumped out of line and yelled "Nora!". She looked up and didn't seem too shocked to see me.

She was STRESSED! She went AMA (Against Medical Advice) from the rehab last night and her ex-boyfriend had stolen her MAC card from her apartment. She said she was screwed because she didn't have gas to go to another guy's house to pick up her paperwork from rehab and then get home.

I threw a couple dollars in her tank, told her to come with me next door to eat somethin' and I would let her follow me to this dude's house since she didn't know the area.

We ate, she got directions to the guy's house, got my phone number and rolled out.

Before she left we were smoking a cigarette and I said "What are the chances that we would run into each other like this?"

She gave me one of her AWESOME hugs and said, as she walked away with a wiggle in her butt, "Ya know what that is? That's fate." She looked back at me with a sexy smile and I KNOW she caught me checking out her cute ass.

I kinda think she might like me.

I was digging aroung the other day and found this old video, thought I would share it with ya all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMhBSjr5_Vw

First let me clarify things. I used to speedball all the time. I have also pseudo-speedballed many a time. I miss those days.

I have ner heard of anyone who know there shit refer to anything other than Heroin snd cocaine thst hsas been combined so that both drugs are shot simontaniouisly.

Speedballl= 1 syringe (always buy BD, all the other sharps are too shodey, I use 30 gauge, 1 cc, .5 an inch sharps (I would go with a higher gauge but no parmacy near me sells .5 or 1 inch BDs that are over 30g

Psidudo-Speedball: 'cain plus a different strong, ephoric opioid. All else is the same.

8: 20 AM
I had some more dreams last night.

I was with Shaman walking towards the side of the house that I grew up in. He ran ahead of me and somehow squeezed through the gate. I walked in after him. For some reason I checked the gate and it was locked.

I was then laying in bed in my old bedroom scratching his cheek, chin and throat. I was wondering why I hadn't told my mom that I was home from rehab.

Then it was like another dream was happening at the same time (or that the two were alternating). The second dream was of a sexual nature (soft-core style) involving an ex-girlfriend (not 'M').

My mom walked into the room as I was petting Shaman. I think it was my mom, all that I saw was a silhouette. The silhouette was on one side of Shaman (slightly behind) and then, without moving, it was on the other side of him.

I then woke up screaming.

I wear earplugs at night but my roommate was saying "yo, yo".

I then went back to sleep.

I'll figure that one out later.

12:04 PM
Oh! A few days back I was bitchin' about someone stealing my razor from the locked closet. I was confused as to why they would steal my razor and not my smokes that were in there. Well, there was a plastic bag in my container that had the razor in it. So, apparently I'm quick to judge. I gotta work on that.

I wear earplugs at night to drown out my roommate's snoring. Its kinda cool. I think I'll look into 'sensory deprivation' techniques. I'm curious as to whether the earplugs contribute to the vivid nature of my dreams. Not only are my dreams so real in nature, I remember them clearly for hours.

7:00 PM
I'm feeling pretty emotional right now. I'm dwelling in my head about 'M'. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. Fuck, I wish I knew what was going on inside mine.

I love her and always will. I'll always feel the positive and negative impact that she has made on my heart. I still have hope for us but I really shouldn't be thinking of an 'us'. There can be no 'us' without a 'me' concerning a relationship with anyone.

I'm confused. I have always had a VERY clear vision of her and I together. So clear. It just felt so right. Is it that I am so idealistic? Is it that I am emotionally young/stunted? Is it that the drugs fogged my 'clear' vision into a horrible fallacy? Or is it that she simply had no faith in me, her, us?

I can't be dwelling on this but perhaps writing about it will purge these thoughts so I can focus on me.

Fuck, we never explored options to keep us together. An unbiased, third-party perspective in the form of couples counseling?

This will hurt for a long time. As time progresses it will hurt less but I feel it will ALWAYS hurt in some form.

Why am I so fucking sensitive?

9:45 PM
KILLER FUCKING MEETING!!!

they allowed us to go to a meeting in The Commons tonight. Its run by addicts from outside the facility. A home group member from this meeting was celebrating his 25th year anniversary of being clean. He remembered me from when I used to go to meetings in this area. I didn't approach him. I was just sitting in my chair and he kept looking over at me and nodding his head in recognition. I couldn't believe he remembered me after all this time! Of course I remembered him. He is one of the passionate, knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt addicts that carries a powerful message.

It was before the meeting so I jumped up and got a killer hug and shot the shit with him for a bit. I turned around and there was ANOTHER familiar face from way back when. Then another, and another, and another. I don't know how many but there were a lot of faces that I have been missing for a long time.

I was thinking of them when I was in Colorado and I was thinking of them when I came back to Pennsylvania. They were genuinely happy and excited to see me.

After the message was shared, I raised my hand to share. I told them how grateful and happy that they were there.

I shared that one of my goals that I had for my time in rehab was to cry in front of someone. I told them (as I started to get choked up) that it was starting to happen.

I cried in front of 80 people tonight. It felt good but was uncomfortable at the same time.

There's hope for me. All the petty shit I've been complaining about so far means nothing. I CAN get better. I CAN do this. I CAN get a life worth living.

It won't happen over night but it WILL happen.

slushy: what do you want to be when you grow up?

slushy's daughter: you

:D

no words can describe the amount of happiness that brought into my person

Posted this in DS this morning...

Well, here I am again. Day one of tramadol withdrawal.

This time I'm completely through with this stuff. I guess that's what everyone says around this time--it's certainly what I said last time. Maybe this time I can relate my first addiction experience to this second, hopefully last one, and finally realize how inadequate of an antidepressant it really is.

I met up with some of my old Bluelight friends in LA recently, and told them I was taking it again. They're all non-judgemental types (I think one person's reply was actually "Heh. Cool!"), but still, the mere act of actually revealing it to someone other than myself really hit home for some reason. Suddenly, again, it wasn't a medication. It wasn't an antidepressant. It wasn't therapy. It was just a dirty addiction.

But what really made me stop was the fact that the company I order for (a company that many Bluelighters have used in the past and probably still use) possibly sold or used my credit card information without my consent. They are the only people I have ever ordered from online (I don't ever shop online for anything else), and it is the only way my information could have been given away. That said, I checked my bank account recently and to my surprise, over $200 worth of purchases have been made.

I've only been on the tramadol this time for three months, so I said to hell with it, this is not worth getting my credit card information stolen again. With only a small quantity of pills left, I did the best taper I could in a week and now I'm done. I went from 400mg a day to nothing in the space of week, and yeah, I feel like garbage.

Anyway, again, day one, and I have classes today I can't miss.

Such is life! I'm going to beat this one way or another. I'll feel better in a week.

But a week from now isn't now. I wish my brain could time travel...

Click to expand...

I suppose I'll use this as a withdrawal diary of sorts...

I'm at school right now, and I feel pretty gross. However, I think it's manageable. It's not as bad as it could have been. I'm glad I'm punching out now from this whole mess instead of a half year from now, like last time.

I go through alternating periods of feeling better and feeling worse, feeling optimistic and feeling pessimistic. I keep reminding myself that the hardest part was actually stopping, the rest is just a bad flu. I've had the flu before.

8:15 AM
Its nice to recognize the symbolic nature of dreams. Here's one I had last night:

I was riding a 10 speed bike to the dope spot. I had my dog running/walking beside me. I was two blocks from the corner. Two kids (maybe 12 years old) came outside with their pet. This pet was mostly black bear with some gorilla features. It wasn't on a leash.

The bear-rilla came towards us and I was fearful for my dog so I turned around and kept calling in fear for my dog to come. I didn't want him to get hurt. I wanted to get to the dope spot but couldn't get past the bear-rilla with my dog because my dog would have been hurt. Due to concern for my dog I was unable to get my drugs.

3:00 PM
"Ego exists in the past or future and struggles to survive in the present." --Unknown

3:15 PM
Well, everyone was pretty accurate in describing the weekends here... BORING! We had a 'group' today that had everyone come up with a marketing campaign for this hospital. After that, NOTHING! My decision is made, I'm leaving on Saturday afternoon (as opposed to Monday). They won't even let us hold our own 12 Step meetings to kill time. Its ridiculous.

I'm not permitted to play volleyball or basketball due to having a history of drug induced seizures. I have no interest in these games but still, when someone is this bored, the option becomes more appealing.

I called to check on Shaman. He's doing fine. I called the pizza shop to shoot the shit with people. I don't have any other phone numbers on me.

I'm sitting outside writing at a picnic table and am pleased that the birds here are comfortable coming so close to humans. This tells me that previous addicts have shown compassion and kindness to them through time. Us addicts are compassionate. More-so than others it appears.

We have an hour and a half until dinner and I'm starved. I can't wait to make myself a chicken cheese steak when I get out.

9:15 PM
"Its hard to accept some things and real easy to deny others" --unknown

I need to have more faith in what life has planned for me. I crave female affection and am so scared that I'll never find a good woman. I'm a jealous person and harbor resentment when I face the reality that women have been with men prior to me (just like I've been with other women).

I really wish the situation with 'M' and me was workable. She was/is so special but we BOTH violated the most important thing in any relationship... ...trust.

I'm a good guy. I'm extremely sensitive and this sensitivity is definitely related to my drug use. I don't want to grow harder. I need to learn how to accept life's natural realities.

I'm still early into this so I am VERY weak emotionally. I don't need to be thinking about future love at this point in time. I need to get well and, when it is time, things will work out.

They took blood today. It looks like I may be transferred to the rehab unit today. They are just waiting for a bed for me. Cool.

I spoke briefly with a therapist today. I told her I was done with anti-depressants. Its time to stop running from my emotions. I NEED emotions. Its time to be human again. I hate us humans but maybe, just maybe, I can become one of the good ones.

1:30 PM
Cool deal! I got transferred to the rehab unit. I've been dual-diagnosed so they put me in a special unit. Its not a psych ward but for folks who have drug/alcohol and in my case, depression. People are friendly but I still have the brains to not trust anyone.

There's some girls checkin' me out here. I'm not here for that but it does make a guy feel good.

The admins are working on getting me some sort of government assistance. Apparently I can get cash and food stamps and some sort of letter saying I can't work because of the drugs and alcohol. FUCK THAT! I want to work. I want to start getting not only the 'things' and 'stuff' I've lost but the parts of me that made me 'me'.

I'm feelin' bad about the things I wrote about 'M' earlier. Emotional confusion I suppose. I love the girl but will NEVER be with someone like her again. I don't even think of her sexually anymore. We'll both be able to find other people. She cared about me but... ...I don't know so I'll stop thinkin' and theorizing about her. She is no longer a part of my life and hopefully never will be again. I can't wait to meet a good woman. 'M' was good but had no love for me. Things figure themselves out.

When I get two years clean time I can volunteer at a rehab. One thing at a time. I'll figure it out.

6:20 PM
Just got done eating and got the chance to shoot the shit with some folks. Fourteen days more and I can start doing the 'life' thing in the real world.

The unit I'm in now has a bunch of clicks up in here. That doesn't bother me. Clicks = Drama. Life has enough drama, I'm not lookin' for anymore.

I never considered myself a good lookin dude but there are some girls flirtin with me. I'm guessing that people's sex drives are coming back so ANY dude is lookin' good to these girls. Also there are a ton of lesbians here. That's cool but don't give me attitude just because I'm a man. I'm not lookin' to fuck anyone in here. I just want people to be well. I dunno, fourteen days and I get to see my dog.

10:00 PM
I'm not counting the valiums and Restorill as drugs since I don't get high from them and I only take them at night. So my official clean date is 08/22/09.

I took my pills and am ready for bed.

We have six people sharing one bathroom. No biggie.

I sleep with one sock on that I keep my money and ID in. I keep a pen behind my ear at all times for two reasons:
1) So I can write
2) So I can stick it in a mother fucker's throat if they step up on me

I grew up in the area where this rehab is and 'M's parents live about a half mile away. My apartment is about 10 minutes away so these factors make this much easier here.

I have my concerns about my commitment to this. All the stories of different drugs and different combos, learning of new corners to get 'the good shit', seeing new veins and seeing other people's veins are mind fucking me. I just need to learn how to deal with it. I can learn new skills and I actually want to go to meetings when I get out.

Today was beautiful out. Blue skies, white clouds and a pleasant breeze. I haven't noticed these things in years.

I kind of have this fantasy, once I get my shit together. I want to fall in love (and be equally loved) and move back to Colorado with this new love and have a peaceful, loving life together.

Life has a plan for me. I just can't interfere with it and go with its direction.

Time for bed.

8:30 AM
Woke up at 4:15 AM this morning.

I'm likin' this girl Nora that I was in detox with. She gives killer hugs. She's young (maybe 24?) and we have each other's contact info. Maybe we'll hit some meetings together when we're out. She's thin and has beautiful red hair and Irish freckles.

9:55 AM
I want to get out of here. The biggest thing keeping me here is the people. There are some real good folks here. If you want to know the name of the facility here (right outside Philly), PM me.

This is NOT a rehab. I'll post the daily schedule and you'll laugh your ass off. They are making a shit load of money but don't even hold FREE twelve step meetings.

There are about 35-45 people in our unit and we're about to have a Psycho Ed meeting. I don't know what the topic is. The last one was on Insomnia. The one before that was anger management (it was poorly facilitated).

I know it sounds like I'm bitchin' a lot. I'm just telling it as I see it. Once again, I'll just have to work harder when I get out of here.

11:00 AM
Today's group was on Anger Management again.

12:40 PM
After today I will have 8 days to go. Its almost time for group and I'm going to share that I want to leave.

2:10 PM
We had a group discussion on relapse prevention. I was in my own head but still got something out of it. I have some decent reading material about it.

I can't leave here. I have the habit of not finishing what I've started. I'm gonna finish this. I can't have people thinking I'm the same loser I've always been.

In all honesty, I want 'M' back in my life. It won't happen but if I stick this through, my chances are good that I'll find a good woman due to being healthier (mind, body and soul).

An old head disappeared for a bit. He was talking about leaving earlier. I told him that there was a bus stop right in front of the building and it only costs $3.25 for a bus ticket and transfer pass. We are located right next to a Correctional Facility so it isn't uncommon for the bus drivers to give free rides to released inmates. I told him to try that.

They found the guy and gave him an envelope of money from family. He won't be here much longer. We should place bets on when old head goes AMA (Against Medical Advice). This will open up a bed for someone who actually wants to get better.

3:30 PM
Cool deal. I was randomly selected to "evaluate" the hospital here. I mentioned everything I've been bitching about so far. I also gave positive input concerning certain staff members.

Eight more days and I can drink coffee that actually has caffeine in it. On my way home I'm hittin' Wawa and from there, Starbucks.

4:55 PM
I met with my therapist at around 4:00 PM and she gave me my Treatment Plan. The psychiatrist believes that I may have been mis-diagnosed for depression. Its difficult to say whether depression led to drug use or the depression is due to the drugs. She gave me a huge booklet on depression and asked that I pick out the symptoms that I can relate to or display.

I have 'homework' now. They want an essay describing my detailed history of chemical use/abuse.

They want an essay on the life changes I need to make to maintain sobriety.

I need to identify 5 warning signs that let me know that my mental health issues are becoming less manageable.

Lastly, they want me to identify 5 ways of dealing with mental health warning signs.

I hear that weekends here are boring so I intend to start working on the stuff tomorrow.

There is a rumor that someone stole $73 from the room next to ours. My skinhead friend and I made it clear that if we catch anyone in our room there will be a bloody mess.

I was never a skinhead but hung with the SHARPS (SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice). I'm pretty in shape and know how to fight. In addition, people say I have a look about me that makes them reluctant to fuck with me.

I'll post a pic and let others figure out the accuracy of these statements. I think it is more in the way I carry myself.



Lights out is at midnight Friday and Saturday. I think I have one more dose of Restorill. I just hope I don't wake up at 4:00 AM again. That's been happenin' a lot.

7:15 PM
I'm pretty tired right now. We have a unit 12 Step meeting, then meds, then snacks.

I gotta stay awake so that I sleep through the night.

10:45 PM
Ok, my discharge date is Monday the 7th (Labor Day). I'm going to request being discharged early Saturday.

Weekends offer very little here. There is even more idle time than during the week. The only benefit would be for the hospital if I stayed. They would get a few thousand dollars for doing nothing to earn it. I'll play it by ear. I can leave whenever I want so I'll see what this weekend has to offer (recovery wise). If it is as unproductive as what the other patients say then I will most definitely leave Saturday morning.

Oh! Check this out. One of the old heads here spent $2,200 on new teeth before he came here. He was in the cafeteria and put his teeth on his napkin, got up to refill his coffee and when he came back, his teeth were missing. What the fuck?!?! I asked him if they had gold in them and he said that they were just standard false teeth. Us junkies are a strange breed.

Finally, before I go to bed I need to restate that they must be putting some kind of anti-erection dust in our food. I think I woke up with a semi hard-on once since I've been here. I don't need to be walkin' around with wood but it still fucks with a guy's head.

Haha! Me and John (my roommate from rehab) hung out all day yesterday. We both agree that boredom is a mother fucker early in recovery.

We drove through Valley Forge National Park, hit two meetings and...

...well, we both have girls that are still in the facility. He hadn't heard from his so I said 'fuck it' aqnd we drove up there and parked outside the unit building we used to occupy (the girls live there as well).

We didn't want to go inside or deeper onto the rehab's grounds so we just looked around. We hollered at a couple people we had become friendly with and then a Clinical Assistant (CA) came over to the car.

She told us that we aren't allowed to attend the 12 Step meeting that night because we have to wait 30 days after discharge. We acted like it was a shock and rolled out.

We had a plan with the girls to meet at the meeting that night and were worried that we fucked up our chances.

We headed up later that night anyway and were able to see the girls for about a half hour before the same CA came over and bitched us out.

I was happy to see Shari. I was aggravated that I would probably only be able to see her for a minute before being chased off the grounds. This wasn't the case and John and me had shit eatin' grins on our faces the whole drive home.

Shari called earlier today and we chatted for a bit. She told me that they got bitched out but doesn't think they will get kicked out.

She also mentioned that she thinks she'll be leaving rehab earlier than planned. She said she wants to see me. I told her not to fuck herself and do what she needs to do for her.

She said she wouldn't fuck herself over like that and would like to stay in this area for a little before going home to middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.

I told her she could stay at my place (of course). Its an alternative to her rehab roommate's offer about staying with her.

Either way, I think we're going to have a lot of fun.

We need to get to know each other better, though. We like each other but know little besides our sexual deviances and pleasures.

I feel like I'm 17 again.

reposting this because i can't stop laughing or really do anything else while laughing this hard hahaha

chainsawr said:

lacey k said:

fuckn lolz...

chainyour - jerseys evillest kidnapper, named for his dungeon where he will chain your kid, girlfriend, or doctor to the wall til he gets wat he wants (a personal slave, no strings attached sex, and roxi prescriptions, in that order)

savesawr - a subliminal advertiser for wal marts discounted power tools

Click to expand...

ahahahaha i'm laughing way to hard at this right now i think i'm gonna wake my grandma up ahahaha wuv u boo aha

Click to expand...

Congrats Animal Cookie!
I know you are being married today or were married earlier
I wish you many many years of continuing deep love and happiness with your new hubby!

It almost seems redundant but looking back on my childhood lately has revealed a few things to me. mostly that i ended up having many of the social traits of people who i looked up to also seemingly obvious. but how could we do this even seeing the flaws of the personality we try to mimic. what are we to become if we had chosen to take on a destructive personality? i only bring it up because i was recently replaying my favorite game as a kid final fantasy 8 and realized i thought vary similar to squall the things he says and the way he acts towards people. also i have his restless mind and social awkwardness. as in i find it hard to consume myself with other people i hate being felt sorry for or feeling sorry, i think everyone needs to be self sufficient and cant stand thinking about what people are gonna say about me when im dead. its just strange how i could have subconsciously molded my personality and makes me wonder what else did i shape myself into and why? would i even remember? i know it kinda sounds dumb but how else can i explain it we take on admired personalities flaws and all. when our foundation crumbles whats really underneath? i guess after all that rambling my real question is why do i decide i want to be them. is it that the host personality seems to have solutions to our problems and that being more like them will give me an easier life? or is it that their problems seem admirable in comparison? and finally how is this done when we are so naive to the fact?

my ex Tom and I have reconnected. We made love last night. We love each other. He is good peoples. We are good together without our old habits ruining things.

I think its come at a cost though. The joking around, fun and somewhat close friendship with my flat mate is no more. I cant talk about it or try to fix it as he does not seem to want to am friends now. So maybe he should leave. Its making me upset in my home. Hes got women. So it cant be jealousy.

Oh well.

I put myself into rehab on 08/21/09 and was discharged today.

I journaled my feelings, thoughts and whatnot and will be posting them soon.

I feel good and intend to get moving on working on myself more.

I never want to feel like that again. I also never want to forget how it was when using.

I'm tired and need sleep.

Get ready for a shitload of entries BL Blogs!