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Today is Sunday, September 20th, 2009 and it is now 519 PM here in Brooklyn, NYC, USA.

In an hour or so the Jewish New Year celebrations will end, as the sun sets, ending yet another day on the Jewish Calendar (which unlike the Solar based Western Calendar is Lunar based, days beginning and ending at sundown). This year, 5770 began on Friday, September 18th of the Western Calendar as the sun dipped to the west.

It is actually a 1 day celebration but for at least 700 years we have universally celebrated it as a 2 day holiday due to the logistical problems of having a very geocentric culture, tied to the Middle-East, scattered around the globe. For example, as I sit here in NYC waiting for the sun to set, it set hours ago in our homeland, Israel.

The Jewish Name, "Rosh HaShanah," is Hebrew and literally means "Head of the Year." Mizrachi Jews (Middle Eastern Jews such as my father's family) traditionally will eat the head of a sheep or goat to denote that literal meaning. What would be the greatest delicacy from tasty morsel you ask? Why the eys of course? Why my manatee of the mind? Because the eyes help us to have foresight and see the path ahead (for the coming year) clearly. Other Jews have tamler foods associated with the holiday, the Ashkenaz Jews (Central and Eastern European Jews like my mum's family), the quinessential "apples and honey" being the best known. Apples signify wisdom (NOT from the "Tree of Knowledge" as some imagine) and honey, of course, sweetness. The idea is to impart wishes of "sweet knowledge" for the year ahead.

Religiously it is very important because our religious is very anal retentive about timing. Most Jews believe this to be the day upon with G-D created the universe, while a tiny minority believe that THAT happened 4 days ago, and the New Year merely represents the day upon which G-D created humankind. It beings a 10 day period know in English as "The 10 Days of Repentance."

At the end of this period comes our holiest day of the year, "The Day of Atonement." Known by the Hebrew, "Yom Kipoor " ("Day of Atonement" literally), it is the 1 day of the year where we confess our sins and beg forgiveness to G-D.

It is a day of fasting, and it is the only day of the year where Jews will bow (until about 100 years ago some Jews did bow at other times but in Muslim fashion, not as Christians envision it).

My New Year has been extremely low key to say the least. Most years I make a pilgrimage to the town of Uman, in the Ukraine. The medium sized town is the home to the tomb of "Rabbi Nachman of Breslau." "Breslau" is alternatively known by the Russianised, and most commonly used "Breslov" while Yiddish speakers such as my mum" family tend to call it by the Yiddish "Bratzlav."

"Rebbe Nachman" as he is known in Yiddish died in the first years of the 19th Century CE/AD. He was only in his early 30s and gone to Uman to lead a leisurely life since had advanced TB and probablly knew he was dying.

Without getting into a very long and undoubtedly boring screed (for virtually any of the 1.5 people reading my Blog) he was the great grandson of the "Ba'al Shem Tov," (Master of the Good Name) known to most Jews by the Hebrew acronym "BESH'T."

BESH'T, whose actual name was Eliezer Ben Ya'akov, was a mostly illiterate daycare worker who revolutioned European Jewish religious life. In short, he founded "Chassidic Judaisim" (Hassidic Judaisim).

R. Nachman believed that the many followers of his great grandfather had perverted his teachings and sought to re-focus attention on the essence of these beliefs (Joy in Worship, dancing, singing, clapping, emphasis less on scholarly study and more on fufillment of religious precepts through daily life, etc.)..

R. Nachman also was heavily influenced by secularism, inm his incorporation of what was then very progressive thinking.

My mum was from a palce called Trans-D'niester, on the border of what is now the country of Moldova. Like all incredibly impovershied places, charismatic movements took root quite reasily and "Bratzlav Chaddishe, " as it is called in Yiddish (Breslov Judaisim)took hold in a huge way. Ergo her family were firmly in the movement and when I was a small boy here in Brooklyn I was educated in Breslove schools.

In Israel, and to a much lesser degree Antwerp in Belgium and here in Brooklyn the Breslov are into "Outreach," dealing with under served segmants of our society. Famous for their work with convicts, addicts and the religiously unobservant this work has offered the movement an in incredibley rich gift in asimilating many diverse outlooks. In turmn, many modern, secularised Jews are attracted to a branch of Judaisim that is ultra-religious but which encourages mediation, communing with nature and intoxicants (the last actually a feature in every branch of religious Judaisim).

At New Year Uman is flooded with 30 to 45,000 Jews from every corner of the globe. Many come with only a 1 way ticket, no money to live on and so if you can imagine, it is like the parking lot of a Grateful Dead concert (many of the same physical types as well, i.e. "Hippies"), but with a spiritual ambiance.

In the years when I do not go to Uman I usually go to Buenos Aries in Argentina, a country where I have alot of family on both sides. I usually stay with Clansmen (father's family) in the Palermo section of the city but alas, this year it was Avenue H Brooklyn for this tired Jew.

Brooklyn is actually the home to the world's largest Jewish Community (including Israel in the counting!) so it offers a very vibrant atmosphere. On Friday, the initial day, I went to synagouge (Midwood Jewish Center, the chief Sephardic synagouge) and heard the "Shofar." A shofar is a ram's horn fashiopned into a trumpet of sorts, along theb lines of a conch shell being used in that fashion.

The major Commandment of the holiday involves the hearing of it, went to a couple of parties and as everyone got ripped (as in "wasted," another feature of the day) I bid adieu.

I returned to the basement flat I use here, and share with other transient clansmen, and basically broke Religious Law (in the bathroom so noone busted my balls) by IMing a "friend" of mine in the Philippines (I will get to that soon). Indeed, the reason why I did not leave the US for the holiday is because I am about to bounce to the Philippines again as well (also a subject I will get to).

As this post is probablly close to the character limit I will close on that note...

I just got back from my doctor appointment, I missed my suboxone doctor appointment months ago because of course the addict side of me just said fuck treatment and went back to using. But I'm slowly starting to find reasons for me to sober up and get off the junk, and I know I've said that so many times and failed even when I swore to myself it was the last shot. But this time things are really starting to seem like they might change for me. I had a job interview last Friday and that went fucking awesome, the whole process took four hours but they said they were really impressed with me not to mention it pays $11.00 an hour starting then you get a 90 day evaluation which can lead to an even better raise.

Then a big one was my sister, I haven't seen her in six years and on Sat I finally went to see her. I got to see my niece and nephew too for the first time and to hear her call me uncle really touched me to be honest. I ended up staying the night and smoking some pot with my sister, making it overall a great reunion.

It's been three days clean now, I can only hope that number keeps going up and heroin...although the comfort it beings will be well missed. I feel it will do nothing more then hold me back from what really matters. That's all it has done, I want both in my life but I have to be serious about which one is going to benefit me more in the long run.

Ugh Im acting the way I always swore I wouldnt when I met someone I was interested in! Shoot me now.

So the guy has been busy and we havent had much contact, which has really sucked. The first week was 400 smses and phone calls every night. This past week has been a 400 smses from me and few from him. He's been working long hours, which I sympathise with.

I guess I expect people to act how I would act. I would send a reply sms as soon as I left work, rather than when I got home from work/gym/shopping. Tonight is a good example. I called him last night and left a message; this morning he smsed saying he had left work late and was driving to meet friends on the coast and his phone has been on silent so he hadnt heard the call. Anyway, I sent an sms in reply saying cool, have a good weekend. Tonight I couldnt stand it so I rang him, got his voicemail again. He rang me on his way back to his place. Unfortunately I was in the middle of cooking. So yeah.....he'd gotten all my calls and stuff, but hadn't bothered to send a quick message or anything.

*sigh* I know Im reading too much into it, and I know Im probably coming off as a stalker. Grrr. This always happens - I become a happy single, someone shows interest in me, something starts, then they fizzle.

Anyways, Im trying to be upbeat about it all and just chillax. I reeeeeally want to smoke some pot but I wont. I hope he calls back later....be good to chat to him like last week, and maybe sus out if he wants me to come visit him again soon.

-end the ramblings of a whack job

Shortly here I should be meeting David for breakfast and I have so many fucking mixed feelings about the whole situation. David is a good friend of mine, the whole reason I went to treatment actually. He was the one when I was on my 4th day of kicking dope cold turkey said I looked like shit and gave me the choice of rehab and have his friendship or telling my whole family my habit and letting them deal with me. At least now I've been clean for a little while now though and I don't look like a hardcore junkie which tends to be my appearance after awhile of using.

Well I didn't get to write about how things went when I got back because my cousin came over and I ended up getting distracted with a bottle of alcohol...thank god I didn't get too hammered. I just drank a little to get my mind off all the memories and emotions that came up talking to him about shit...and it worked. Some would call this a relapse but I'm sorry to say it...my problem isn't with alcohol, it's with illegal drugs, mainly heroin. I have the control to say "just one drink" but I never could say "just one hit" or "just one shot".

While we were eating, it was somewhat awkward. It's like you see in the movies when the two people are trying so hard to have a conversation but they can't seem to really get one going. We were asking dumb questions like "how is the family" and it just wasn't what I was expecting. I can't say it was bad...but it could have been better. I had a feeling he knew I wasn't completely sober.

I'm not even sure to be quite honest. I think our friendship was ruined when I let him take me to rehab. Ever since I got out of treatment it hasn't been the same...but nothing has been really. It's like don't get me wrong, being sober has it's pro's and con's just like using but it feels like something is just missing.

Well I'm going to go have a smoke and eat breakfast now, I'm hungry as hell. Then I got to go to my suboxone doc and get a refill.

note: if you're a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this to contain so much math

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren't for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I'd have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

Brody, I was so stoked when you told Gina to go eat a fat one after she asked if she could have your other ticket, even though you knew you could probably get a pretty deese HJ from her. Bros before hos, bro. That's what I'm talking about.

You are the king of all bros. Brotankhamen. You are the Ayatollah Bromeini. You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean.

But this is just one of many times you've fallen on a grenade for me, brozo. Who took the blame when I broke Skeeter's bong and fucking Skeeter was all fucking pissed? You, bro. Who was the first to bro up and carry that fucking keg of Killian's up four flights of stairs for Duke's surprise party? You, bro. Who was the only Bromo sapien on the planet to tell me he thought the brand-new rims on my F-350 were the shit even though everyone else was all, like, fucking not that excited about them? Bro, you know it was you. You're my broheim supremo, bro, and don't you ever forget it.

I'm so fucking glad we're bros, bro!

I've long admired your absolute broficiency in all things bro-related, and the way you've always carried yourself in a brofessional manner. I consider you a brole model. When I was new in this town, you took me under your wing and showed me the bropes. And I will always preesh that. Not only did you school me in proper brotocol, but you were a spiritual leader, a confidant, and, more importantly, a bro. You taught me how to be true to my inner bro and to bros around me. You are a real bro. Not a fake bro, like those other douches. I hate fake bros, bro. Faux breaux. Fuck that. No, really, bro…you're practically a bro-ther to me.

Look at you, blasting in like Rambro and firing off your launcher like nobrody's business, bro. Serious Brotosaurus Rex action. Brodius Maximus. I'm not big on labels, but you, more than any of the wiggers, bitches, goth chicks, dorks, homos, or Mexicans I know, are absolutely beyond rebroach.

In fact, your brotitude is so brossential that, in many ways, you are the ultimate brototype: You sprung out of the brotean ooze at the very broment of creation, unformed, unmolded, and became the ultimate bro, more powerful than any who came brofore. I don't fear your power, bro, but I respect it. And I will always brobey it.

Brosemite Sam. Potassium Bromide. Brobi Wan Kenobi. Brover Norquist.

Like Broseph Stalin, you are leading the way to the dictatorship of the broletariate. It is truly revbrolutionary. Like the Bro v. Wade of our generation. You brobliterate the enemy from the very peak of Mt. Brolympus. That's some shit. That's brolific. But that's the kind of bro you are.

Bro-S.A.! Bro-S.A.! I'm so pumped right now! Bro-S.A.!

You are the epitome of bro, in every brossible way, and that's the Bro's honest truth, bro. I may have a bropensity for broverstatement, but this no mere hyperbrole: You are 100 brocent, absbrolutely the broest. Brotally.

I wish I had the words to describe what a good friend you are, dude.

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throwin' up a solem the brofist for the visionary rambro of wordsmithry who originally wrote this: zach caldwell. and in case you didn't know, get all your brossentials from the bro code pdf, as seen on tv. anyway i gotta go watch manswers, i fucking love that show. catch you later brozz

my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the blood red romance and suffocate me dry concert. which sucks because they play some of my favorite songs like "stab my heart because i love you" and "rip apart my soul" and of course "stabby rip stab stab" and it doesn't help that i couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either like the guy from that one band can do.

...my life is just a black abyss you know? its so dark and its suffocating me, grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip. tighter than a pair of my little sisters jeans (which look great on me by the way...)

and my parents don't get me ya know? they think I'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy.. well a couple of guys, but i mean like its the 2000's can't 2.. or.. 4 dudes make out with each other without being gay? i mean chicks dig that kinda thing anyways.

i don't know diary sometimes i think you're the only one who gets me. you're my best friend. i feel like tacos.

For years I had in my profile that I sold stimulants to yuppies. Meaning of course that I was employed at Starbucks. It was a good time, for the most part, and more or less funded my education (at the expense of not having the time to do my own research or work in my field). In the end it was a crutch, as much social as financial, which I just had to throw away to be able to progress in life-- at least professionally. Was I ready? At the time, no; I spent nearly a year unemployed thanks to my lack of professional experience and the fact that there were little if any jobs in my field locally. Was it the right decision? Hell yes; I would still be working there if I hadn't left then.

Crutch or not though, there were many good times over my time there. I met many great, fun people, and most days just had a riot at work. Hell, for the last three years I pretty well just kept the job so that I could socialize and get paid at the same time.

Getting the idea from RedLeader and inspired by a post from OverDone in TDS, I'd like to share a few of those good times.

The last store at which I worked was in a 'city centre' mall, meaning that it was part of an interconnected series of retail centres at the base of a few of my city's largest office towers. Meaning that it was busy as fuck during the week (during the day at least), but completely dead on the weekend. Since I was a student for most of the time there, I worked most of my hours on the weekends, which gave plenty of time for shenanigans. In addition to the usual showing up for work still high/drunk from the night before, or drinking/smoking/etc at work of course.

One of my favourite coworkers was a 2nd generation hippie who I'll call L. She was a tiny little woman, a couple of years younger than me but with a rambunctious sense of humour and surprising intelligence and knowledge on a wide range of topics. One Sunday, her showing up still drunk from the bar before, and me still up from taking a few pills at a house party, decided to close the store just before the busiest time of the day and go smoke a bowl. This was around 4 years ago, when I was still actively doing these sorts of things. When we returned, there was a group of maybe 15 people waiting angrily outside of the store, but we still made sure to wait a good half-hour after getting back before re-opening. They were pissed, but all we could do was laugh at them. There was another place that sold coffee right next door to us, yet they would rather wait an hour and pay twice as much to get horrible service by obviously intoxicated staff. All but one got drip coffee, and all still left tips. Suckers

The rest of the day was spent fashioning a basketball hoop out of stir sticks, attaching it to a wall, and throwing a wadded up ball of napkins and masking tape at it while contrasting existential and solipsist philosophy.

Last I heard, about 8 months ago, is that L had moved to Vancouver. We had kept in touch in a casual way after I left, but my period of unemployment distanced me from many people-- in particular former coworkers--, unfortunately including her. A shame really, since she was the sort of person who could talk about any topic, and provide some excellent insight to boot.

So, does anyone else have a good Starbucks (or other cafe/retail job) story? I have many others, but they'll have to wait for another day.

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

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Living your life knowing that you might never wake from sleep, how easy is it to fall asleep?
The doctors assure you that you will, that they've "fixed" god's mistake. How can they assure that when they have no hand in the play.
How can they foolishly assure next breath, when nothings a gaurentee.

Living life with an incurable disease that will one day rob you of sanity, ability to think, sight, higher brain function, reason, mobility, and one day even rob you of your life....

They sugar coat it, oh it's nothing big. Oh lots of kids are getting it now, are born with it....you can live a full productive life.

Depression, weakness, tremors, memory loss, not recalling most of your life. Yes fantastic fucking life Health Canada.

Epilepsy, the dark side of life.

Fuck you.

getting som morph fri. for the first time. whats best way to take. rails or bombing. I want fast and hard. I heard rails get you fast but feel kinda shitty later. oh and can i smoke it?

im livid.

i havent been this angry in a long, long time. completely, entirely, overwhelmingly, and genuinely angry.

and i know im not just stressed ("just" being the key word there) or tired or having a bad day, im actually angered and appalled at what has transpired. i dont know how to handle it. i dont know what i can or should do, but something has to change.

ive calmed down, sat and smoked a few hundred cigarettes while gulping my coffee and trying to do what i always do which is look at the situation from an outside perspective. most of the time it works, but not now. not with something like this.

hate has formed new definition

I had to go get my scripts at the doctor today and the office is in a real ghettoish part of town and has more people going to that pharmacy in that building to pick up there methadone then anywhere else ive seen. While i was smoking and waiting outside for my turn to see the doc to come up i got talking to a few people who where addicts outside. One was a guy and his girl who where both on methadone and the woman was also on methylphenidate and she was waiting for her script. I don't know why but even amoung adults methylphenidate is really popular here even moreso then dexedrine. Way more prevelant then dexies thats for sure. Guess all the cokeheads here love em when they arent doin blow.

While i was talking to them the old what are you on and such and such a thing came up as it always does in these situations. I told her i was on morphine and she said that she never takes morphine anymore since her friend died from complications of shooting the stuff up. She showed me her arms from shooting morphine, oxy, dillys, coke, whatever and man where they bad. Track marks all over them and reminents of many infections. I felt really bad for her because her and her b/f actually seemed really cool and it kinda guts me to see people that seem so nice to be in such bad situations. I have seen bad marks from using before but this took the cake.

It made me really really glad that i never picked up the needle. Well not quite true i did almost shoot up some dilaudid but in a last minute flash of sanity i squirted it into a glass and drank it instead since i saw nothing but misery coming out of hitting the needle. I think god that my self preservation kicked in when i was at a real low last spring and was about to shoot up but didnt.

I still overuse my prescription to get high but i have to admit i have gotten back alot of the self control i had lost over the years to the stuff. During this past month sans one bad patch my use above medical levels has gone way down. I don't think it's a coincidence that my use has gone down when my life has changed alot for the better and i have alot to look foreward to in the near future. I think alot of the problem all along was just the feeling of hopelessness i had about my situation in life. I almost had myself convinced that i was never going to get out of here but that changed in the matter of less then 24 hours.

Life is a motherfucking trip that's for sure if nothing else. I never went from such despair to such happiness in the span of less then a day then i did a few weeks back. I didnt even think it was possible for fuck sakes. Complete despair to happier ive been since i can remember in such a short amount of time and im still happy.

I just started typing on a nice dose of morphine, dimenhydrinate, gabapentin and clonazepam and i typed all that up without even thinking. So it's just ramblings from a drug addeled brain . Oh well i figured i had to put something new in my blog sometime soon lol.

I'm flying from Heathrow to Bangkok via Mumbai on Wednesday morning. I'm excited for the first time in months by this and have been running around like a new man sorting out vaccinations, visa's, gear and clothing for the past few days.

My itinerary is fairly vague but I get to Bangkok on Thursday at 7am local time and my plan is to buy malaria tablets and get on the first bus for the Cambodian border and get a share taxi from there to Siam Reap where I shall treat myself to my first beer since the end of April as a nightcap and sleep off jet-lag.

After that it's on to Phnom Penh followed by Vietnam and the Mekong Delta for a week or so and then crossing into Laos for the last week or ten days before I make my way back to Bangkok and back to London.

It's the wet season, so hopefully there won't be hordes of tourists about.

Wish me luck:D

i havent wrote shit forever.

i didnt even know the journal wasn't active anymore. its been since 2007. god dam.

anyways, life is way different now. im in 3rd year university. still doing my thing, still pushing it to the limit.

however right now im just chilled, got 3 tall boys of heineken in me. thats like..what, 4 and 1/2 normal heineken bottles? fuck yea.

shit is alright, other than my boy being in jail for a year. fuck that blows. 2 more might go within the next couple of months..gay.

shit happens i guess. glad im where i am..

I'll most likely be using this blog just to get things off my mind. So excuse the randomness of the posts

So Part I deals with my love life. I've been single for 7 years and during that period I've had a love-hate relationship with the idea of being eternally single. I know that sounds morbid or something, but I guess after you go on dates and realise that it's just nut jobs out there in the dating world, you come to think that maybe your efforts are best spent making your life as awesome as you can and not worrying about this thing called 'love'.

Anyway, recently I just decided that life was going awesome. I have a routine which I enjoy and I have been looking forward to what the future was to bring, in all its guises. And then I met someone.

I use 'met' in a loose sense. I saw him post a comment to a friend's status on facebook. I thought he was cute, I poked him, and he messaged me saying how all the good ones are always in another state. We were messaging each other, and then finally we started chatting on the chat function. We were getting on well. Turns out I am due to be in his area in a month or so, so we decided to get together and have a drink or something. And then I thought, stuff it. So I asked him out to lunch that weekend. I offered to fly to visit him. We chatted on the phone a bit, then both of us had to go, but made a time to chat later that night.

So we did. On the phone for 3 hours. I bought a plane ticket then and there, to come visit him on the weekend and stay the night. And I did. I flew up to meet him and we had lunch and we drank....and drank....and drank haha. We got on so well. And then the time came for me to come home, and reality set in.

So it's been two days since then and I cant stop thinking about him. He says the same about me. Im trying not to jump ahead too much but Ive been thinking about what will happen if this gets serious. Would I move to be with him? Would he move to be with me? Why am I even thinking about this when Ive known him a week? I guess my mind needs to protect my heart - dont get involved in something that wont work out.

What hasnt helped is that last week, we were SMSing several times a day and talking on the phone. Since Ive returned home, he's been busy at work and hasn't been as communicative. And Im trying my hardest to not SMS him 400 times a day!

I asked a few people at work about long distance relationships. They can work, if you work at it. The consensus seems to be just go with the flow and see what happens. Which will mean both of us traveling to visit each other; which isnt a bad thing. It's not all that expensive to fly interstate (thankfully). I guess it needs to come from both sides, and that's what Im worried about. Maybe Im in lust and Im not thinking straight. Maybe Im loving the idea of possibly being in love down the track.

Anyway, I needed to get all this out of my head so I dont go bonkers. I know if I were on the outside looking in I would be telling myself to just go with the flow, take it a day at a time, dont get ahead of yourself. So Im going to try and do exactly that :D

Well, I've been feeling pretty good lately, for the most part. I still feel like I've dropped one or two levels of reality after quitting tramadol, but I'm sure it'll get easier with time.

The irony, though, is that I have some kind of serious back issue now, and I might need to be put on medication! Good lord. I've been taking Soma here and there, and it seems to help, but it makes me too sleepy. It metabolizes partly into freakin' meprobamate, that old school fifties type sleep aid. That's exactly what I want to be on when I'm taking a Bio test. Yep.

But more or less, I feel a lot better.

I've realized what I hate about tramadol the most. It's not the withdrawals that I would get every morning--that was remedied by the simultaneous thought of knowing you've just taken your morning dose and you'll be perfect in a half hour. It wasn't the mild tremors in my hands, nor the near-chronic low-level nausea. It was the fact that my sense of right and wrong was made so nebulous. I mean, how could what I was doing be wrong if I felt so good? My ethical center was out of wack the whole time, and I never even noticed it until, in retrospect, I really sat down and thought about it. Man...

Autumn

Colour melts the waving trees
I'm pushing out my icy breath
And down snow leaves of red and gold -
A different take on our friend death.

(^^By Me^^)

I am beginning to mourn the summertime now, as tomorrow college starts for me and I will no longer have the freedom I have enjoyed for the past 4 and a half months. Imagine that! 4 and a half months off, having fun, smoking weed, going to raves and brilliant festivals with my best friends! And then, suddenly - BANG! - College

But it will be great I suppose. I'll have a few hundred new people to meet, new friends to make, new connections. Ahead of me - so much learning and fun. Behind me.... the best summer I have ever had! AMAZING! But there'll be more to come... like... next year!
I just had to get that out. Peace

Good luck and love to all of you who need it, whether you're going through hard times or not. And if you're sitting there reading this thinking 'nahh... she doesn't mean me', you are wrong and I sincerely do, whoever you are. Luck and love.

High guys...
Although I've been hooked on BL for a couple of months now, this is my first blog entry. Well what do you want me to say? My life is so incredibly up and down at the moment, I can spring from ultimate euphoria to total misery in a matter of seconds.
This is due to my manic depressive mother, who is suffering at the moment - the recent death of her mother (my grandmother) is proving impossible for her to cope with. She has never been any good at dealing with stress or any other sort of emotion, and although I do my best to understand this it can certainly be trying when she takes it all out on me, which she does, every day.
But there you go - my personal life is excellent despite this. I have some special new friends who I absolutely ADORE. And of course, the copious amounts of maryjane I've been consuming have been helping a lot.
So I guess I just wanted to vent everything then, and get a bit of this confusion out of my system - the fact my life is both crashing down around me and also turning into something spectacular as I head into actual adulthood and realising my childhood has now slipped away.
Have a nice day, thanks for bothering with my vent. Oh what wouldn't a girl like me (although there admittedly aren't many) do right now to get her hands on some proper MDMA?
PEACE

Yeah, I fuck with myself.

I went to my first aftercare appointment today since my discharge from rehab. It was merely an evaluation and 'fill out paperwork' session.

I was told afterword that there is a waiting list for the Intensive Out-Patient (IOP) that I have qualified for. It could be well over a month before I can get in.

I was disappointed. I need help with this thing I'm tryin' to do and was looking forward to getting to the deep shit of my mind and emotions.

I had a case of the 'poor me' syndrome. I didn't get any therapeutic assistance from the dual-diagnosis unit I was placed in at rehab but figured it would be ok once I got into IOP.

Doesn't look like it'll happen so I need to bulldog through this on my own. Problem is that I'm not strong enough to bulldog yet.

I was close to using today. Very close. Instead I picked up another addict and we went to a meeting.

I was going to say 'fuck NA' and justify doing this on my own in true bulldog style but, once again, I'm not able to do this on my own.

It looks like self-sabotage is coming into the picture. I'm getting in my own way by thinking too much, by trying to 'rescue' others, by lying to myself, by being a coward.

I shared what was going on with me and feel much better. NA is my only hope right now. People in those rooms genuinely care about my well being. The ones who still exhibit manipulative, dope fiend behaviors are learning to stay the fuck away from me.

This shit is hard and I knew it would be (especially in the beginning).

It'll get easier. I just need to remember that new things are uncomfortable but 'new' is never long lasting.

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devilz advocate247 26-10-2005 04:44
spittin some frustrations



Time bomb

It was bros before hoes
till I met this trick.
Not thinking with my head,
but thinking with my dick.
I lost sight of whats important,
but Im getting it back.
Sooner or later shes gonna make me crack.
Then Ill hate myself,
for my past decisions,
but Ill thank myself,
for my enlightened vision.

Its only a matter of time,
Im like a time bomb tickin.
Cant take the drama,
or the constant bitchin.

Tick, Tick, Boom.
My bomb exploded.
You were a waste of my time,
and a friendship thats corroded.
Now its hoes before bros,
thanks a lot bitch.
Everything was fine,
till you fucked up shit.

devilz advocate247 26-10-2005 04:45



Crazy Bitches

Yo, yo. These crazy bitches
Playin games with my head to get in my britches
Make me feel like a million dollars,
but shit at the same time.
Slobbin on my cock, and confusing my mind.
First you love me. Then you hate me.
Make up your mind bitch,
your driving me crazy.

Yo, yo. These crazy bitches.
Callin me names, but then givin me kisses.
Shortly after that, you scream, like my evil cat hisses.
Im done with the games
done with the bull shit.
This is me baby, like it or love it.
Youre welcome to leave,
you dont have to stay.
But youll get what you want,
you always get your way.

These crazy bitches drivin me up the wall,
it feels like I was at the top of a ladder
and you made me fall.
You hurt me bad.
You made me sad.
All this complaining bitch,
its just making me mad.

Drowning in self pity
while im drowning in self hate.
It seemed clear at first,
but now I cant see our fate.
Whats to come? Whats ahead?
Your a crazy bitch,
just shoot me.
Make me dead.

My good friend turned me on to this site a few years ago and today I come back to pay my respects to him in a forum where he fit in. You see, he died of a heroin overdose on September 2nd, 2009. I helped his Mother and his sister lay him to rest this past Wednesday at the ripe old age of 21 years old. He hadn't even started living his life yet and now he will never get to.
You see, we are all taught the horrors of what can happen from using drugs but at that age we think we're invincible, its our nature. And than add to that the quality of the kind of person that enters this type of world. Risk takers, living our lives on the edge in search of the eternal rush.
Randy, I know you never meant it to happen and dammit, if I could have been closer to you it never would have.
You see, this is one of the things I was always trying to impart to you, keep people around you that you can trust with your life. It was the foundation of our friendship. I knew you were the kind of man that would have my back no matter what came along because I seen a kindred spirit.
In some ways I feel like I may have let you down cuz you were always wanting me to come down but you knew the deal. Now I wish I would have but it is a moot point now.
You remain my friend even in death because those walls don't separate people like us.
You stick close to Mama and sis cuz they are grieving terribly, I didn't want to come home when I did because I knew how they were feeling and even though I can't do anything to comfort them I was trying to at least let them lean on me when they needed to.
I love your family like my own, just like I've told you, I love you bro and I would trade you if I could just so you could experience more of life.
To people who read this little blurb I want you to know I lost a friend who anyone would like to have close to them because he brought joy to those who knew and loved him.
Don't judge people like my friend and I because we walk outside of the societal norms and choose to live our lives on the edge, most of the one's I know would lay down their lives to save you because you never know when your day may be the last one.
I love you Randall and I will see you again and I pay you my respect by honoring who you were while you walked where I am yet.

I posted this in SLR but would like for it to be here too so I have quick access to it when I need it.

Hey you,

You know how you're feeling right now? Don't let it get away. You're more broke than you've ever been before and have no friends nearby, but you still feel on top of the world and know that things are getting better. You have a plan that you're going to stick to.

It might not seem like it but you've achieved a lot over the past few months. Your relationship with your parents is better than it's ever been and you're getting yourself back in school after years of avoiding it. You've even joined a gym!

Keep working on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Remember that you're number one. You've tried to please people instead of yourself for your entire life and look where it got you, nowhere and without appreciation from those people.

Please stay in this mindset and do whatever you can to make yourself better. You're on your way and there's still a long ways to go, but you can do this and will come out extremely strong.

I love you,



Kerry

deleted

___
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devilz advocate247 20-01-2006 06:46


Christmas On Acid

*This is my first trip report. I tried*
So a buddy of mine came back from the army for Christmas break. This guy and I are like brothers, so I was thrilled to see him again. He received a $4,000 signing bonus, and wanted to spend the money as fast as he got it. Fine by me. So I lined up a bunch of drugs that I knew he would be wanting. Exctasy, Coke, Shrooms, and Acid to be exact. Well we both chipped in on a half vile of liquid L (50 drops). This was the eve of Christmas eve if you will. We bought a box of sugar cubes, and started dripping away. The temptation to drop a few on my tounge was huge, but I refrained... For now.
The next night (Christmas Eve) I was just sitting at home visiting with my family. My sister was back in town, and I was so happy. Everyone was drinking, catching up, and just having a great time. Every now and again, my mind would walk upstairs to where my 25 hits of acid were hidden. I fought the temptation for about 2 hours until I finally caved in. I went into my room, peeled off two hits, and popped them in my mouth. I had such a positive mindset that night, I just couldnt justify NOT taking some acid.
So I went downstairs, and told my big sis what I had done. She laughed and said she wasnt surprised. 30 min later I was having a beer talking to my family when I realized what I had done. I started to get a little paranoid considering I was soon to be spun off my ass in front of my family. Luckily my sister calmed me down.
My mother was talking to me about what I hoped to get for Christmas. I thought I understood what she was saying, until I responded by saying what I had gotten her. She gave me a weird confused look, and I didnt know what to say. I knew I had messed up, but at the same time I didnt know if she was mixing things up, or I was. I walked away and got another beer. I wanted to go online for a little while to try and gather myself a little bit. Well I realized that this wasnt going to happen because I couldnt figure out how to turn my computer on. At this point I was getting a little frustrated, so I went to play with my cat. Nothing is more trippy to me than an animal while dosing. I lied down with my cat and pet it for appx. 10-20 min. During this time my cat winked at me more than once, and also changed colors. One second it would have the features of one cat, but the next second it would be completely different. It still looked like a cat, just not the same one. The face was different, the fur patterns were different, and the colors were different. I found this very amusing, and started to laugh uncontrollably.
About an hour and a half into the trip, I decided it would be a good idea to socialize with my family some more. Obviously this was not a good idea, but luckily everyone was drunk by then. I talked with my sister for a while, and came to the conclusion that the entire universe revolved around a little mexican restaurant called Burrito Bueno. It made perfect sense to me, and I explained it in detail to my sister. Unfortunately I cannot remember my reasoning for such a ridiculous theory.
So after watching my mom blend into the brick wall behind her for a while, she decided it would be a good idea to celebrate Christmas that night, instead of waiting till the morning. My sister tried to talk my mom out of it, being fully aware of my condition, but my mom was persistent. All I could think at that point was, "Wow. Christmas on Acid". So we all gathered in the living room, and I became overwhelmed with feelings of love and happiness. I felt as if I were in love with my family, and nothing would ever separate us. I just wanted to stand up and hug everyone, and tell them all how much I really love them. I was extremely grateful after opening each present, even though I didnt know what some of them were until the next morning. Then I started to pass out my presents...I gave my sisters present to my stepdad, my moms present to my sister, and I started opening my moms gift to her, thinking it was mine. My sister realized what I was doing and just burst out laughing. After a moment, I figured out why she was laughing, and felt extremely dumb. This feeling of stupidity was quickly followed by feelings of paranoia. How am I going to explain this one? what can I possibly say to rebound this? well I eventually convinced my mom that I was just drunk. Luckily it worked.
After opening gifts, I decided it would be a good idea to seclude myself from my family, before they became any more suspicious. For the rest of the night I lied in bed, thinking about how much love I was surrounded by, and how lucky I really am. Never did I think I would celebrate Christmas after eating some Acid, but Im sort of glad I did. In a way this trip helped me realize how great my family is, and how thankful I should be. Probably the most enlightening trip yet. This year was indeed, a very merry christmas.

youre with him now, right now.
and it kills me inside

how much longer can i wait?
how much longer of this bullshit hope and disappointment can i suffer through?

how long until i hate you to move on?

i dont want to hate you, i dont see any other way.

you'll always wear a halo in my eyes

I just made $80 Friday and only have $20 left, it's like I'm consistently broke. I don't even make enough money to pay my car insurance / phone bill. The only reason I have enough to pay them at the moment is that I’m getting child support checks for the first time in years, let’s just hope that they suddenly don’t stop coming like they are famous for. Typically I have to dip into my cash every week or so to fill my gas tank and this week my tank happened to be completely empty so that was around $35 to fill up leaving me with $45 to work with. In addition to that another $20 had to go towards my pitch for the camping trip I went on this weekend (tell you more about it in another post) for food and drinks. So once again I feel up against the wall with my spending and it wasn’t even on anything I should feel guilty over except I can’t help but feel that way when I find myself hinting to my mom I’m broke again.

You know, this situation wouldn’t even exist on the level it does if I just had a job…too bad that’s nothing more than a distant dream at the moment. Shit it’s been a dream since 2007 and guess what? That doesn’t seem like it’s going to change into reality anytime soon.

As of recently I’ve been trying to get hired at King Soopers here by my house because I have a cousin who works there and he told me they are in need of help and lost a lot of people. Funny thing is that I keep getting turned away like they don’t need any. My cousin told the lady who helped him get his job to pull my application…did she? I’m sure she didn’t by how she acted when I finally got a hold of her after going to the store three different times (every other time I went she wasn’t working) so I could “follow up on my application” with her. Then after all that I went through to specifically talk to her she didn’t even really help, all she did was say she would give the message to their hiring manager and would have him call me, but she specifically said not to call them, figures. I did call anyway and left a voicemail…still no call back. I am going to try again tomorrow, but I feel like I’m beating a dead horse at this point.

What gets me is that I applied at that store and two other ones before my cousin ever worked there and all he had to do was put in his application and they called him. He didn’t have to go through this hassle of calling and bullshit like me. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just have a little bit of luck? I’m going to try for this other job my stepdad and mom sent me the link to, it’s something with construction but you have to take classes and go through this long process before you even get the job…but shit…I’ll take anything at this point no matter what the process is.