They took blood today. It looks like I may be transferred to the rehab unit today. They are just waiting for a bed for me. Cool.
I spoke briefly with a therapist today. I told her I was done with anti-depressants. Its time to stop running from my emotions. I NEED emotions. Its time to be human again. I hate us humans but maybe, just maybe, I can become one of the good ones.
1:30 PM
Cool deal! I got transferred to the rehab unit. I've been dual-diagnosed so they put me in a special unit. Its not a psych ward but for folks who have drug/alcohol and in my case, depression. People are friendly but I still have the brains to not trust anyone.
There's some girls checkin' me out here. I'm not here for that but it does make a guy feel good.
The admins are working on getting me some sort of government assistance. Apparently I can get cash and food stamps and some sort of letter saying I can't work because of the drugs and alcohol. FUCK THAT! I want to work. I want to start getting not only the 'things' and 'stuff' I've lost but the parts of me that made me 'me'.
I'm feelin' bad about the things I wrote about 'M' earlier. Emotional confusion I suppose. I love the girl but will NEVER be with someone like her again. I don't even think of her sexually anymore. We'll both be able to find other people. She cared about me but... ...I don't know so I'll stop thinkin' and theorizing about her. She is no longer a part of my life and hopefully never will be again. I can't wait to meet a good woman. 'M' was good but had no love for me. Things figure themselves out.
When I get two years clean time I can volunteer at a rehab. One thing at a time. I'll figure it out.
6:20 PM
Just got done eating and got the chance to shoot the shit with some folks. Fourteen days more and I can start doing the 'life' thing in the real world.
The unit I'm in now has a bunch of clicks up in here. That doesn't bother me. Clicks = Drama. Life has enough drama, I'm not lookin' for anymore.
I never considered myself a good lookin dude but there are some girls flirtin with me. I'm guessing that people's sex drives are coming back so ANY dude is lookin' good to these girls. Also there are a ton of lesbians here. That's cool but don't give me attitude just because I'm a man. I'm not lookin' to fuck anyone in here. I just want people to be well. I dunno, fourteen days and I get to see my dog.
10:00 PM
I'm not counting the valiums and Restorill as drugs since I don't get high from them and I only take them at night. So my official clean date is 08/22/09.
I took my pills and am ready for bed.
We have six people sharing one bathroom. No biggie.
I sleep with one sock on that I keep my money and ID in. I keep a pen behind my ear at all times for two reasons:
1) So I can write
2) So I can stick it in a mother fucker's throat if they step up on me
I grew up in the area where this rehab is and 'M's parents live about a half mile away. My apartment is about 10 minutes away so these factors make this much easier here.
I have my concerns about my commitment to this. All the stories of different drugs and different combos, learning of new corners to get 'the good shit', seeing new veins and seeing other people's veins are mind fucking me. I just need to learn how to deal with it. I can learn new skills and I actually want to go to meetings when I get out.
Today was beautiful out. Blue skies, white clouds and a pleasant breeze. I haven't noticed these things in years.
I kind of have this fantasy, once I get my shit together. I want to fall in love (and be equally loved) and move back to Colorado with this new love and have a peaceful, loving life together.
Life has a plan for me. I just can't interfere with it and go with its direction.
Time for bed.
I spoke briefly with a therapist today. I told her I was done with anti-depressants. Its time to stop running from my emotions. I NEED emotions. Its time to be human again. I hate us humans but maybe, just maybe, I can become one of the good ones.
1:30 PM
Cool deal! I got transferred to the rehab unit. I've been dual-diagnosed so they put me in a special unit. Its not a psych ward but for folks who have drug/alcohol and in my case, depression. People are friendly but I still have the brains to not trust anyone.
There's some girls checkin' me out here. I'm not here for that but it does make a guy feel good.
The admins are working on getting me some sort of government assistance. Apparently I can get cash and food stamps and some sort of letter saying I can't work because of the drugs and alcohol. FUCK THAT! I want to work. I want to start getting not only the 'things' and 'stuff' I've lost but the parts of me that made me 'me'.
I'm feelin' bad about the things I wrote about 'M' earlier. Emotional confusion I suppose. I love the girl but will NEVER be with someone like her again. I don't even think of her sexually anymore. We'll both be able to find other people. She cared about me but... ...I don't know so I'll stop thinkin' and theorizing about her. She is no longer a part of my life and hopefully never will be again. I can't wait to meet a good woman. 'M' was good but had no love for me. Things figure themselves out.
When I get two years clean time I can volunteer at a rehab. One thing at a time. I'll figure it out.
6:20 PM
Just got done eating and got the chance to shoot the shit with some folks. Fourteen days more and I can start doing the 'life' thing in the real world.
The unit I'm in now has a bunch of clicks up in here. That doesn't bother me. Clicks = Drama. Life has enough drama, I'm not lookin' for anymore.
I never considered myself a good lookin dude but there are some girls flirtin with me. I'm guessing that people's sex drives are coming back so ANY dude is lookin' good to these girls. Also there are a ton of lesbians here. That's cool but don't give me attitude just because I'm a man. I'm not lookin' to fuck anyone in here. I just want people to be well. I dunno, fourteen days and I get to see my dog.
10:00 PM
I'm not counting the valiums and Restorill as drugs since I don't get high from them and I only take them at night. So my official clean date is 08/22/09.
I took my pills and am ready for bed.
We have six people sharing one bathroom. No biggie.
I sleep with one sock on that I keep my money and ID in. I keep a pen behind my ear at all times for two reasons:
1) So I can write
2) So I can stick it in a mother fucker's throat if they step up on me
I grew up in the area where this rehab is and 'M's parents live about a half mile away. My apartment is about 10 minutes away so these factors make this much easier here.
I have my concerns about my commitment to this. All the stories of different drugs and different combos, learning of new corners to get 'the good shit', seeing new veins and seeing other people's veins are mind fucking me. I just need to learn how to deal with it. I can learn new skills and I actually want to go to meetings when I get out.
Today was beautiful out. Blue skies, white clouds and a pleasant breeze. I haven't noticed these things in years.
I kind of have this fantasy, once I get my shit together. I want to fall in love (and be equally loved) and move back to Colorado with this new love and have a peaceful, loving life together.
Life has a plan for me. I just can't interfere with it and go with its direction.
Time for bed.
