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*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I shot up a pill that I thought was Kadian (it turned out to be some kind of vitamin). I popped 4 hydrocodones and 2 ativans.

I'm moving to Philly tomorrow but I plan on pawning a watch and a surround sound system and copping H before hand. I no longer care about physical risks (including death) as long as I get a good rush before I die nothing else matters.

I used to be stable but now I'm an unbalanced, erratic selfish piece of shit.

Its odd though, I LOVED the NA meetings where I'm moving to. The people were so amazing and real. Shit, I'm misty just thinking about Trina, James, Eric, Henry, Opal and all those ones I can't remember their names. They are such GOOD people. I want to see them again but I'm not ready to quit using. I'd give everything I have just to get a hug from one of them.

I went to an NA meeting in the area I'm at now and didn't even get a hug. Thats all I really wanted was a hug from someone who understands. Fuck, some sort of nonsexual physical contact would be wonderful (even just a hand on the shoulder)

Why am I so needy? I know I'm alone because of the drugs but everything seems so empty and pointless. Nothing interests me besides drugs.

I guess these are all signs of the end. My poor dog is doing to be so confused. I'm bailing on my only friend. I'm a fuckin asshole

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I'm moving back east tomorrow. The house is a fuckin' mess and nothing is packed. I'm going to throw the essentials into a box, grab the dog and leave.

When I get their I'm going to let my folks have the house and its contents then I will cut all ties with them.

I'll need to find someone loving to take care of my dog. It hurts most that I'll not have him in my life but I can't have him on the street with me. He deserves happiness.

Once again... fuck family, they just want control

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, this is day 3 of not doing any coke. Trust me, if it was around it would be in my arm. I feel ok. I've been drinking and playing around with pills but NO COKE.

The thing with me is that I don't like the discomfort of being in my own skin. Its much easier to numb out and hide from myself than to see myself through clear eyes. I'm really not a bad person but I still can't stand myself.

I was thinking of volunteering at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or needle exchange when I get back east. The time isn't right for that now. I can see through my own bullshit on this one. You see, I REALLY want to slam heroin. Where better to find the good connect than through one of the three spots I just mentioned?

After I get some clean time I'll look into volunteering. I really want to help others but I gotta take care of myself first. I just really don't think I care about myself enough to take action to help me.

I'll hit some REAL NA meetings when I get back to PA. Places that have junkies like me and not just a bunch of spoiled white folks patting themselves on the back, posturing for others with less clean time than themselves

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, my connect isn't around for a few days so I grabbed some hydrocordones (i forget the dosage but they said m366 on them). It was pretty cool.

I had a couple of drinks of vodka and took two pills. I didn't feel anything after about 45 minutes so i said "fuck it" and went to bed. While laying in bed i started to hear things similar to the auditory hallucinations i got when i went cold turkey from paxil (distant banging sounds and 'clanking' inside my head).

Soooooo, this stuff takes a bit to hit! Cool. I got up and grabbed to more pills and did a cold water extraction to get rid of most of the APAP. I drank that down and felt drowsy after about an hour so went to bed again. HAHA!!! Thats exactly how I felt! I remember laughing LOUDLY and in a quite silly manner. I also recall walking around but not being sure if i was dreaming or if i was actually walking around the house.

I was diggin' this so I took another (minus the CWE). Layed in bed again and started laughing again. I fell asleep and had AMAZING, realistic, colorful dreams that were so pleasant.

Hmmmmm..... ...i gotta look into this opiate thing some more!

*** copied from BL journal ***

Still feelin' like a piece of shit but haven't thought seriously of suicide yesterday and today.

I was lookin' forward to moving back east but now I am dreading being near my folks. I'd much rather sell my house, take the profits and just disappear from my family. Fuck them! Bustin' my balls over the stupidest shit. I can understand them causing grief for the all the shit my drug use has caused. I get that. If you're going to bitch about something as stupid as not having taken a cabinet off a wall than you gotta go fuck yourself.

I would love to just cut off all contact with family. They've been a crutch for me. I'm thinkin that I can manage without them. It'll be tough at first but worth it in the end.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Don't ever allow someone to know who you are or what you have become. When you do, they disappear.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Got some things done for my move to Philly today (actually yesterday).

jammed a 16th which, once again, provided no pleasure. Afterwards I just drank some vodka and snorted 2mg of ativan.

I've had some bad thoughts recently... I want to try iv heroin. Knowing how i am, I would fall in love with it and seek it and use it until i have lost everything.

Coke doesn't give me pleasure anymore and I find alcohol and pills to be sub-par methods to get me away from myself. I have absolutely no tolerance to opiates so this brain of mine figures I could get WAY high for a low cost and minimal product.

To tell the truth, i think of heroin often now. I snorted it 22 years ago but that was more of a pseudo drunk feeling without the heavy head.

I considered shooting meth but availability is scarce and the thought of iv'ing something that is 100% synthetic goes against what is left of my comfort level.

This journal was meant for me to reflect on after I got clean. Fuck, I'm going on a quest tomorrow

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I went to an NA meeting today. I fidgeted in the back the whole time and was real uncomfortable when people approached me. I was open-minded and critical at the same time

Dude asked if anyone had a burning desire to use, before I could raise my hand, some motherfucker (who walked in late) started talking like an NA guru. He actually preceded his little speech with "I have a burning desire HaHaHa, no, I just wanted to share". Get there earlier motherfucker.

Next, some chick started sharing about how great life was now that she's clean. (You had time to say that earlier, bitch). I want to get to the point where life is great and I knew I was gonna use after the meeting. For some reason I thought if I could have said something, I wouldn't have rushed out of there to get fucked up.

I'm going back Thursday, though. I'm gonna kick this shit and no self-important 12 stepper is gonna get in my way.

*** copied from BL journal ***

I used to always say 'Adapt and overcome' and I used to be able to change the bad into something workable.

Looking back, i can see how strong i once was and how weak I have become. I do attribute my drug use to this severe apathy.

I WILL BE STRONG AGAIN.

*** copied from BL journal ***

This might be a good thing...

I scored good quality and quantity for a cheap price. Didn't enjoy it at all. I was too scared of goin' over the edge to enjoy the initial rush which fucked up every other shot. Fuck, I'm redundant. I posted in TDS (don't know if it shoulda gone there_

*** copied from BL journal ***

I'm turning into a real pussy. I NEVER cried before. Now, what the fuck?!?!!? I see a fuckin' commercial and get all choked up. I think of the past, my throat constricts.

What kind of woman would be with such an emotional motherfucker?

My dog has about 2 more years (statistically) to live. When he goes, I'm gettin the fuck out. This time i'm usin' a gun

*** copied from BL journal ***

I'm starting to realize that the reason I would like to die is that i'm too lazy to live and too cowardly to face change. I'm an addict who always wants the easy way.

The thing is... ...I was clean for awhile (5 years), experienced (for an addict) tremendous success. I felt like a 'real' person. I was respected, sought after for advice, economically 'well-to-do', productive, efficient, etc. Life was supposedly great. Life wasn't livable this way for me. What the fuck!?!? Life isn't livable the way I'm more accustomed to, snorting, shooting, smoking, drinking and popping. Yeah, I see the extremes but, there is no middle-ground or 'balanced yin/yang' answer.

So, what's the fuckin' answer? There's no fucking answer. We enjoy our rushes and highs in some form or another and then die.

Yeah, I've been a positive influence on many. We keep a more accurate account of the positive impacts than the negative influences. What about the folks i've introduced coke to? What about the people I've stolen from? What about the girls whose emotions I've taken advantage of? What about that homeless guy who I made dance for $1? What about my family, my friends? I've done more negative than positive in this life. This leads me to believe that only good people are allowed to die. Assholes like me are made to suffer life until its ridiculous, miserable end. I've tried suicide many times. This tells me I have no choice but to live and suffer.

Fuck this shit. Can't even leave the fuckin' play when it obviously sucks.

*** copied from BL journal ***

11:30pm

Someone called 911 and the paramedix and the police arrived. I was fuxked up on a bunch of pills... kndasntoo fucked to ttype.i'll bnr back...

*** copied from BL journal ***

5:31am
Woke up at about 3:30am. Saw dude, he knows I swiped a gram from him but hasn't said anything. Went to my room and scraped some bags into a spoon. I have a bunch of used needles that had blood in them. I emptied the few drops of bloody whatever into the spoon and shot it into my wrist. I got a tiny high and it felt good. I'm a fucking piece of shit. I'm half tempted to strong arm dude and make him give me his shit. He's been good to me but i cant stand not being able to get any. Id love to get high right now. Been drinkin vodka but that just makes me want to slam more

*** copied from BL journal ***

5:06pm
Well, shot a gram last night and all it did was tease me.
I finally emailed my parents. They've been worried because I haven't contacted them. They were thinking of calling the police in my town to swing by and check on me. They are in the east coast and when they don't hear from me they worry. if I died they would have no way of knowing.

I think i'm going to move back east. I love colorado but all i do is isolate. Haven't made any friends or enjoyed all the awesome things to do here. Back east, people know me and care about me. Why am i always fucking shit up? I was doing fuckin good out here, I had a great job that i was respected at and had potential for senior management positions. I had money in the bank that afforded me comfort and security. fuck, i'm done typing. i hate thinking about the way it was when i was happy

*** copied from BL journal ***

3:00pm
Slept til 2pm and wanted to slam some shit. My connect isn't around and won't hook me up unless he's around so i grabbed some yogurt and bread, took some otc flu meds to put me to sleep.

Its thundering real loud outside and my huge ass dog has crawled into bed with me. He's scared of thunder and I'm scared of life. We make a good team.

I'll probably wake up at 10pm or so and have thoughts of how i can steal or manipulate some shit. I have 90 29g 1/2" syringes left and I cant stop thinking about the butterflies that happen when i pop the orange caps off. I shoot in my thighs and knees now (my crooks are pretty shot), i get perfedct hits and i enjoy the tiny wait time for the coke to hit when i do those spots.

9:47pm
Woke up about 8:30p. Dude hasn't been around all day. Dude's always around so i wonder if he got popped again. If so, fuck... i'm thinkin' I can find where he stashes his shit. Yeah, i'm an asshole but fuck, i'd sure like to see some red clouding in my needle.

I miss Michelle. She loved me but I ran away under the guise of chasing after a career. She was so caring and kind. I took her for granted and didn't realize how much I cared. A life with her would have been perfect but I choose to move to Colorado for money and status. That didn't last. I forgot that I was a fiend regardless of the fact I didn't use anymore. Fiends always go back to using. I was successful and that fucked with me. Fiends always find there thing again. Success isn't good for me. I'd rather struggle at an unfulfilling job and be with a woman who truly loves me than be successful at a job that doesn't mean anything.

I miss her voice. She called the other day but I can't let her hear what I've become. She was so good and kind, now she has a boyfriend. He probably has his shit together and doesn't run from love. Fuck! I'm gonna cry again. I'm sorry Michelle. No, I'm sorry Jeff. She's doing okay and I should be happy for her. I had my chance. Fuck! If I had an 8 ball I'd draw it all up and jam it right now. Maybe the next life I won't be so fucking stupid. Maybe I wouldn't think so highly of myself and accept the love of a good woman.

I always dreamed of dying by saving someone. Now I just want to die. If it wasn't for my dog (i know it sounds silly) I would take myself out right now. I care about people but I fucking hate myself. Those who care about me I end up hurting. Thats not right. I need to end it to stop hurting thse who've taken a chance on me. No more chances. Its gotta stop. You've placed your bets on a losing horse. I'll always hurt myself, I'll always fuck shit u and I'll always be selfish.

I'm sorry Michelle. I miss you and should have listened to my heart and not my brain.

10:46pm
Dude got home a little bit ago. Turned me onto a bump. I was so nervous about doing it I had a partial miss. I got high but being the fiend that I am, I am pissed that I didn't feel the whole thing. It was a nice flavor though and I'll probably be able to get another hit before going to bed. I have a fresh bottle of vodka that helps me in asking for more as well as sleeping.

A fellow BL'er is correct though, if I rely on alcohol I'll just be replacing one addiction for another and alcohol withdrawal is harder. You can't become physically addicted to coke but the mental obsession is fucking hard (especially when you only get a piece of a free shot).

*** copied from BL journal ***

He walks in through the door after work and can't help but smile. A seventeen year old boy sits studying history with his girlfriend in the living room. Its not all study, he knows, but seeing the contentment on the kids faces is warming.

A fifteen year old girl is in her room with her girlfriends taking pictures of each other, talking about boys at school and who might ask them to the dance on Saturday.

His smile broadens as the woman he loves pulls herself away from her computer and text books to give a hug.

He asks, 'How was school today, beautiful?'

'Not as hard as I thought it would be. Its a small class so we all get the attention we need. How was work?'

'It was a nice day today but its even better coming home to this. Do you have class tonight?'

'Yeah, today is my two class day. One in the afternoon, one in the evening.'

Concern shows on his face. 'You guys need to eat! Let me whip something up before you leave. Shit, we can't have your stomach growling at school.'

She smiles that beautiful smile of hers, 'Thank you.'

'Maybe you can teach me some of the things you're learning sometime?'

She laughs, 'We can teach each other a few things!' With a wink and twinkle in her eye she smiles 'Maybe we'll start tonight.'

He laughs and couldn't be happier. He's wanted this type of stability, this life, this love for so long. His only love doing what she's always wanted. Her kids happy and secure. His heart finally full.

Someday, perhaps.

*** copied from old BL journal ***

I was absolutely NUTS in my head Thursday night and Friday at work. I called my doctor on Friday so he could call in a script for paroxetine (generic paxil). He had already left the office so the nurse said it would be called in on Monday (yesterday).

My boss could tell that I was fucked in the head on Friday. We go way back and understand each others struggles. He had a sample pack of 10 mg Lexapro that he gave me. I took one a day from Friday to Monday. I noticed some positive effects although the full benefits take a couple of weeks to materialize. I knew it was working because I experienced the dreaded symptom of ejaculatory delay on Saturday night. I fuckin' hate that particular side affect. The girl I'm sleeping with wants me to have orgasms. I dig it but I am more interested in pleasing her (although I absolutely do enjoy cumming!)

Anyway, I picked up my 20 mg paroxetine today and started my first dose. I have been noticing lately that I have a lot of anxiety. I want to stay away from anti-anxiety meds since its my understanding that they are all benzodiazapenes and I gotta watch myself around addictive substances since I ALWAYS end up abusing them.

I'm gonna wait for the paroxetine to take its full effect and see if it helps with anxiety and go from there. This will also give me time to do research on the issue and possible non-addictive meds. I'm unsure if I've always been anxious or not. I kinda think I have been but the parox. must have helped in the past.

Off topic... I had my blood taken today and I get the results in one to two days. Cool! No more condoms for me! I hate those things! More often than not it kills my hard-on. That's just a real blow to a guys confidence when you have an amazingly beautiful woman laying naked in front of you and all of a sudden... nothing!

The lady who processed me at the blood place was really friendly when I was signing in but when she went to draw my blood she got real quiet. My track marks are still visible (especially to a phlebotomist). Its okay. Everyone has had some sort of shame in their past.