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Well, beats not having a Journal I say, but the visualisation does leave ALOT to be desired. However, beggars cannot be choosers and since the site is in such flux I suppose we should all offer a huge sigh of relief...


SIGH RELIEF


Now that we have got that thing ouf of the way, what is it to be...Today is Sunday, December 14th, 2008 and it is now 825 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, I have been really allowing myself to get into 2 videos from Israel. One is from two individual artistes, both of whom I enjoy alot for their own merits but this duet is just priceless.

The singers are Shlomi Shabbat and Lior Farchi (Farchi actually being a realtive of mine but that is another story). The type of music is *Mizrachi* which also describes a type of Jew. In English it means *Eastern* as in *Middle Eastern.*

Mizrachi music is more like Bollywood, Desi, and of course Arabic and Greek all rolled into one. The females sing in very high registers, and so do the males actually, the instrumentation is very Middle Eastern of course and it is probably my second favourite genre after Trance.

The song is called *Ad HaSof* which means, in Hebrew, *Until the End* and if you watch the video it just might invoke memories of the Irish New Age/Tradtionalist band *Clannad,* the band that gave the world *Enya*. They had a song, a duet with Bono of *U2* called *In a Lifetime* and both lyrically and in the video a story was told about a marriage or relationship that last unto death.

In this song though it goes one further in that it tells how we can so very easily come to take for granted those we love the most.

Is it not true though? Throwing his dirty draws on the couch, you leaving the cosmetics on the sink, both of you with morning breath and before long what was once so endearing and cute is now likely to drive you to murder...but let something happen that draws the 2 of you apart for any matter of time and it all goes to hell. You need each other for the long haul.

Watch the video...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lazfCdaDPuA


The second song that has been tearing me up is a bit suprising. A movie came out a while back, in Israel, called "Yossi and Jagger." A bit of an Art House film, as much as one can be in a country as tiny as Israel, but the subject matter was disturbing to society on a number of levels.

The movie relates to me a bit, it is based on a true story, that took place on an IDF base on Mt. Hermon, which sits on the corners of Israel, Lebanon, and Syria. Popularly known as the "Ears of the State" because of the Intel garrisons there, it is the main base for my Brigade and Battalion, NACHAL G'dud 50th (Infantry/Paratrooper).

Anyway, the movie takes place during a pivotal time in my life, Operation Peace for Galilee (1982 -2000), or as it is more commonly known, *The First War in Lebanon* which is very much akin to what the Americans had in Viet Nam except that this war was much more brutal in warfare, as well as on the effects on Israeli society.

It was the first time in our history that people openly challenged the status quo in such a way, and in the movie an officer Yossi (equivalent to a Lt in the West) and an NCO named Jagger (equivalent to a Sgt) are posted, during that war, on that base, just as I was.

The NCO has felt alienated for such a long time, as he is gay in a very macho society (the way Westerners prep for sports teams and schools, we prep for military units), and Jagger has is own alienation problems as he finds himself to be a closeted homosexual, repressed, and also diamterically opposed to the war...yet as Israelis of his generation know, he could not do anything but serve his time and make do.

The movie is a homosexual love story, as I said, supposedly based on a true story, and has some very homoerotic scenes.

I am completely a heterosexual and to be honest, while we do accept openly gays into the army in Israel they are not really in the fighting units, just causes too much friction and cohesion is all important. As such I suppose that I am much like most Israelis in that I feel live and let live, just do not live around me.

Yet I see the movie and it is so haunting, the photography, the atmosphere, filmed entirely on location of course. It effected me on many different levels and a flim that can do that has much more value than some societal oddity piece, or piece of social criticism, or art house curio. I hope others take the time to see the film, it is in English subtitles for those who cannot speak Hebrew (in the army we have our own dialect really so even if you speak Hebrew, maybe you ought to read the subtitles, hahaha).

Anyway, the song I love from the movie is called *Ratziti* which in English means *I Want.* It is a remix of a song by Yehudah Levi but on Youtube, where I will link to it, they have it attributed to the Israeli singer Ivri Lider, a well known openly homosexual artist who was also featured on the soundtrack. Lider is a great singer but he did not do this song.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4d1Uf4Cz78

Reading wise, well I have been mostly relying on books through the Gutenburg Project which is a worldwide effort to digitalise books in many languages. Google had the brainstorm to make as many books as possible, freely accessible, but of course the powers that be said, *Wait! That will cut into potential profits! Something like 8% of our worldwide net will be lost! No Way Jose!!!*

Google had to rethink that grand idea, one result is their new gadget which I need to buy on my next trip to the mainland. On this gadget you can use your Debit or Credit Card to immediately download the text of most any book for a nominal fee. Great for a guy like me who cannot find much of anything to read in this country.

For some reasons, there are book stalls here in the Philippine Malls, no matter the city, I have seen them in Davao City, Cebu City, Butuan, and even in Makati where they are selling books taken from one particular Minnesota library! WTF? Someone has quite the little scam rolling around and meanwhile I am innundated with cloying romance novels and the odd LeCarre or some other halfway readbale 50 US Cents worth of drivel. From time to time I do manage to find a gem but those times are far and few in between.


The Gutenburg Project though, now I believe still connected with Google is working with university libraries from all around the world to digitilise books past copyright, like very early 20th Century and beyond but the availability still leaves alot to be desired.

A couple of really interesting things I have been able to read though are early acounts of the different Filipino ethnicities and how they were 100 years ago, 300 years ago and so on. It is amazing how much precious culture has been obliterated by imperialism and colonialism.

I was very keen to see that many Bisaya (my wife's People) myths are Indian in origin, as in Hindu. Funny how out of the entire Rim only Bali has managed to retain this rich Hindu culture! True, these islands would have been on the extreme range of the Indian influences but still it is interesting (to me) to see the use of the word *Rajah* for *Prince* and so on.

From time to time Chinese porcelain in pristine condition and dated about 1100 years old (about the time my wife's People sailed here from Borneo) is found in the bush, or a pefect gold figurine but there is no evidence at all of any grand civlisations like the Javanese or Balinese. Who knows, maybe one day some intrepid lad might uncover a small temple complex. Would that be something?

Speaking of which...What IS going on out in the bush nowadays? Well I had to leave Cebu to be back here for the Day of the Dead (November 1st) holiday.

All the family members go to the family cemetery where all family members usually rest, and the graves are cleaned, weeded, and so on, and made ready for the party to honour the ancestors on that day. Obligatory *Lechon Baboi* (meaning *Roasted Pig on a spit*), San Miguel Beer which is like the national drink, soda for folks like me who do not drink, and chiken (Manok) and of course the ever present salt water fish.

There are 2 main graves where we gather, by the *Old Man* who is Mum's dad, *Don Beldad*, my wife's grandad the man who originally rode a pump steamer up the Augusan River and cleared the thousands of hecatres of land that became the basis for his empire. Buried next to his 2 meter high crypt is the much smaller edifice housing a little cousin who died when she was 6, from Dengue about 3 years ago.

The cemetery is on National Hiway almost on the line with the Provincial capital, the village of Propseridad, but close enough to San Franz (our village) to make it relatively safe even in these dangerous times.


I will continue shortly in case of a character count...

What an infernal piece of technology. Dig deep enough, long enough, head deep in your node and surfing across this web in search for someone often enough and you're bound to find what you're looking for, if only years later. And when you find it, right when you said you would look just this one last time -- when you find who you've been looking for, when you see she's off in a desert somewhere happy in the sun with her husband and another kid on the way, you realize, too little too late, as you sink back to the too deep and too fast, that you just shouldn't have looked in the first place.

Fucking idiot.

Why. Did I have. To FUCKING look?

Not the right time


Something that rings in my ears over and over,

"Its just not the right time for us." No it never is. There is something in the way.

You work overseas and are never home, plus you don't love me anymore.

or

I've lost it. Can't control it. Can you blame me? And you can't even support me... you're gone, you have to be. And when you are back I won't exist in your mind anymore.

Its always the same story. I fucked up. Its me thats the problem. I'm just too fucked up for you to handle.

All I want is someone to love me, more than family. More than that. To tell me they love me for who and what I am. No look down on me for imperfections. To hold me close when I cry. And to have all the happy pictures posted on the Internet of us together and a dog maybe. Looking like we couldn't be happier.

Its not going to happen for me. They are ok with the outside, but when they see the tattered soul that remains of abuse and heartbreak and rejection, they run.

They can't take the tears and all the fears.

I'm going to die alone...

My mind is racing and not even medication can bring me down. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do ANYTHING right?

The person I want closest I push away, I just can't stop it. Hold me, be there. But life is too busy for currently employed nutcases like me.

This mornings felt, I'll check in, now, I feel I'll check out.

Why till after the holidays? Because when I was a Jehovah's Witness, my mom said that me not being a part of Christmas was worst that the pain of divorcing my father.

I'm a mess and should sleep but can't. The world sleeps and rests cuddled together at peace, and I sit there a write a blog that few if any read and cry...

Wanna trade?

this is sick, bluelight blogs. who knew huh? well i finished my first semester of college today, which is pretty exciting. i'm all alone in my apartment tho, all of my roommates went home to see their families and such. i'm goin back tomoro morning, but i think some time away from the city will be good. its fucking brick outside and i want to smoke a cigarette.

After everything thats happened, and I told the detective, I was his friend. Best friend. I wasn't his supplier. I do not even have any to give much less sell. He was basicly telling me the girlfriend is upset, and filled with Grief, because of some texts that were on Joe's phone when he died. We were very close, and she is jealous of our relationship, and I was the one with him the day before he died. I can see her point, but we were just friends, but very close. It does explain the reason she denied me the right to go to his funeral, but makes the pain I feel no less.
As for the emails, it was from overseas, so I am guessing it could be a bluelighter. Or she is very good. I really want to but this all behind me, so to do so I wanted to give updates. I told the detective I would tell him if the emails and calls continue. To my suprise it has stopped as of yesterday, so hopefully whoever was sending them, got the plessure they were seeking. As for in one of the last emails, they said they hoped that it would find me dead. Well, I glad to inform all who care, it didn't. Just has given me more reason to be were I am, in the darkside. I was thinking I was losing my gift to help, then when his death came, it reminded me of why I was doing this. I will not take blame for any deaths that happen around me that I have no control over, thats silly, I will continue to try and help anyone that truly wants and needs it, this I do know. All I need now is time to heal, and then I will pick my modstick up again. Thanks again for all of you that continue to support and show me and my daughters love. You are the good I see through all of the bad.

After everything thats happened, and I told the detective, I was his friend. Best friend. I wasn't his supplier. I do not even have any to give much less sell. He was basicly telling me the girlfriend is upset, and filled with Grief, because of some texts that were on Joe's phone when he died. We were very close, and she is jealous of our relationship, and I was the one with him the day before he died. I can see her point, but we were just friends, but very close. It does explain the reason she denied me the right to go to his funeral, but makes the pain I feel no less.
As for the emails, it was from overseas, so I am guessing it could be a bluelighter. Or she is very good. I really want to but this all behind me, so to do so I wanted to give updates. I told the detective I would tell him if the emails and calls continue. To my suprise it has stopped as of yesterday, so hopefully whoever was sending them, got the plessure they were seeking. As for in one of the last emails, they said they hoped that it would find me dead. Well, I glad to inform all who care, it didn't. Just has given me more reason to be were I am, in the darkside. I was thinking I was losing my gift to help, then when his death came, it reminded me of why I was doing this. I will not take blame for any deaths that happen around me that I have no control over, thats silly, I will continue to try and help anyone that truly wants and needs it, this I do know. All I need now is time to heal, and then I will pick my modstick up again. Thanks again for all of you that continue to support and show me and my daughters love. You are the good I see through all of the bad.

im pretty sure ive never had one of these before. i aim to change that. its cold out right now, i had to wear a shirt when i went out to smoke.
this cafe bustelo coffee is the fucking bomb, its pretty cheap too. technically its for brewing espresso but i use it for coffee anyways.
no work again today, they actually could have gotten me 3 hours by driving back and forth to orlando, but fuck that. id rather sleep and relax anyways.
cant wait for the new year, ill be rich again!

It's been 10 years of investment
It's been one foot in and one out
It's been 4 days of ??
and I feel snuffed out

It's been 33 years of restraining
Of trying to control this tumult
How I did invest in such fantasy
But my nervous system has worn out

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've repeated this dance ad-nauseum
There's still something to learn that I've not
I'm told to see this as divine perfection
But my bones don't feel this perfection

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent life hovering above bottom
Thinking I can't survive what's below
But I've known through the kicking and screaming
That there was no other direction to go

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

Likely not the best way to do this, but my family needs all the help we can get.

My uncle died recently and then in November we found out that my 74 year old grandma who you would never guess over 60. Has Malignant lymphoma B-cell with features of mantle cells. (aka Cancer) Drs. are saying 2 to 5 years. I know my grandma, she can beat it. (I hope, I don't know what I would do without her...)

My mom is trying to keep the family updated as they are all over the country plus Christmas and every else.

And me, mentally I'm heading way down hill if you haven't noticed,

So positive thoughts if you aren't the praying type or prayers would mean a lot!

I'm thinking about moving it up a week or so....
I just can't take it anymore. The cutting is starting after so long with out it. Taping them shut. Please Please just let me die....





Well

ust took a meds and alcohol... its ambivalence.THE WILL is out no the table with the door locked, I would like a note but I double benzos, ambien,sereqouel, and more more bensos and alcohol is not fatal Anyway

It's the moments like this one that go on forever which frighten me the most. The ones where I have nothing to say.

The screwdriver I keep in the draw and I are now on a first name basis. I tape record the obscenities he screams in his sleep.

"She needs me!" he promises. "She loves me!"

"I'm lonely," I tell him. "I'm not any good at this."

"Can't you do anything about the pain?"

i got all a's this quarter. which makes me happy. actually tho, i shouldn't say i got all a's, i got a 3.9. the school i am at does not give letter grades. its rather weird IMO.

are in full force. My brain feels like complete mush but at least I'm getting it done. Seriously, 4 hour finals. 60 multiple choice questions, A-H (8 possible answers). I never want to do that again. I can't wait for it to be all over.

Legal Writing and Analysis
Property
Contracts - Friday
Torts - Monday
Criminal Law - Next Friday

Wish me luck friends.

Like a physically here person? I know its crunch time for college for S. but he couldn't spend 1 hour holding me or even taking a power nap but could watch the whole season of Super natural with his friends.
Honestly I'm hurt..
Honestly I wish I knew where to get heroin in Iowa Des Moines and I can't drive well and I'm directionally challenged, I get lost easy = panic attack

I'd OD and it would be over with. The other plan isn't likely to work and every other OD didn't work.
I just won't want it to hurt and I AM thinking of my family. An open casket is good for frieving.

I just want to he happy...be normal...just like everyone else. Hopefully the mood stabilizer I start today Will help but 6-8 weeks...can I make it that long....

People have been saying I mumble a lot. I never used to. I just I just figure anything I have to say really isn't worth listening to anyway. They don't any other time

I'm come to a state of ambivalence. Live, Die, whats the differnece anymore. According to S. its suffering either way. I feel my self slipping and I'm trying to hold on. I try to find projects to busy my mind since right now I'm on week 2 on leave without pay. thanks for the notification, not.Its not like its Christmas or I have bills or anything.

I'm thinking about mixing up a pill and alcohol cocktail...since being with people and finding a project didn't work.

I'm just trying to figure this world out...

blah the flu sucks. all the cold medicines dont do fuck all...well I guess paracetamol actaully does get rid of my fever...the one and only use for this accursed hepatoxic chemical?

I've missed too much school cause I cant get my shit in gear to get up there and do it in the mornings.

Perhaps I will follow this cats advice...that should help me get to school and do some work. (or grind my jaw and yammer on endlessly to my fellow students...i forget which)

blah the flu sucks. all the cold medicines dont do fuck all...well I guess paracetamol actaully does get rid of my fever...the one and only use for this accursed hepatoxic chemical?

I've missed too much school cause I cant get my shit in gear to get up there and do it in the mornings.

Perhaps I will follow this cats advice...that should help me get to school and do some work. (or grind my jaw and yammer on endlessly to my fellow students...i forget which)

This is my first ever blog entry. I get the idea of a journal. I get that this a free-form environment where we can pour the thoughts in our head out in an area where others can view them.

What I don't get is what I will put in it. The last couple of months have been a time where I think my life has changed. I suppose that's where I'll start. I'll describe how my life has changed and how it hasn't. Don't expect anything earth-shattering or artsy. That's for others. I just live a life.

Thanks to the BL crew for putting this out there.

Yesterday, 21:51 #46
Mariposa
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Location: USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I'm allowed expression.

I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.

I'm done posting for now.

I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?

Emotional blackmail at its worst right here. I urge you to realize that you truly do have your whole life ahead of you.

I've never been an inpatient, that's true. I've certainly been badly enough off to be hospitalized, but I am uninsured and don't want to be stuck with a massive hospital bill for a small pile of Ativan and forced participation in groups.
That's about it.


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Yesterday, 22:31 #47
zephyr
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Location: aussie land
Posts: 8,428
Depression isnt a temporary problem and having had it for many years, as well as a drug addiction, I can see why suicide is considered a good option.

Tried it twice, one opiate/benzo and alcohol overdose. One seroquel overdose. Two other times many years ago were non overdose attempts.

Apart from meds and doctors youll benefit if you take your mind into happier places instead of focussing
On the negatives.

A pet is a great idea. Mine makes me smile every day.

Also exercise for endorphins. Walking to and from my crap job makes life good.

Also now over 1 month clean.

Life is good. Dont let it pass you by pill.


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Yesterday, 23:55 #48
drug_wench
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zephyr
A pet is a great idea. Mine makes me smile every day.

wise words
pillthrill, no u cant hav a puppy according to ur parents, but had u considered maybe something easier like maybe an adult cat from an animal shelter or something?
even a guinea pig or rabbit can b really loving
or a rat - some ppl r grossed out by rats but some of the best pets ive had hav bn my rats, i used to breed them
theyre easy to care for, can b house-trained (as can rabbits) and r very responsive and cuddly
ive never bn clinically depressed so i cant tell u to 'snap out of it' and refuse to b so ignorant either......but i do hope ur taking in wat evryone has to say to u


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Today, 00:08 #49
Mariposa
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Pillthrill, I also think a pet is an excellent idea. I'm sure there is a pound/animal shelter in your area? Go make a visit and see what pet you have a special connection with. I have kitten brothers born of feral parents that bring so much happiness to me. Pets are magical.

Whatever type of pet you get, always give him or her the best of everything. You will get the same right back and then some.


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Today, 00:44 #50
mrjackjones
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Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 I love rats. They are so gentle and funny. You would be saving a life. make sure to get more than one though, as they are social creatures. its amazing how similar they are to humans... ever read the book "Dr. Rat" by William Kotzwinkle? anyone with a mental illness needs to read that book. I implore you. "Don't worry, my friend. Once you have been driven completely insane, you will qualify for a degree in psychology." best novel ever written.

08-12-2008, 16:53 #40
Pillthrill
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Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 The Funeral

Raven hair against the bed of a white casket,
of a girl who could stand to bear no more.
The red roses that now surround her,
red as the blood as into her skin she tore.

Say goodbye sweet love.
I knew somewhere you cared for me.
But it took this and death,
to even make you to even begin to see.

Its too late, as the colors fade.
Fade to shades of gray.
Gone from this world,
no longer praying to make it one more day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; 08-12-2008 at 17:01.. Reason: fixed


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08-12-2008, 18:55 #41
Mariposa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.

I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.

But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...

Planning your own funeral is a blatant attention-seeking gesture.

If you are thinking about how badly people will feel about the loss of your presence in the world after you die, you are punishing yourself with an unmanageable level of guilt. Knock it off. Now. You have a roof over your head, people (even myself) that give a fuck about you, and you don't have a monopoly on suicidal thoughts.

You are threatening to take your own life with a weapon or by any other means necessary. This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.

It is necessary for you to be less snobbish about choice of hospital and to get to the nearest one. Besides, if the people in your life "don't care enough to get you help" how do you expect they would bother to show up at the funeral you have so meticulously planned in lieu of your real world responsibilities?


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08-12-2008, 23:59 #42
Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 I'm allowed expression.

I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.

I'm done posting for now.

I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?

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Last edited by Pillthrill; Yesterday at 04:15..


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Yesterday, 00:45 #43
drug_wench
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mariposa
This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.


dont take anyones words to heart
as u can see, whether anyones words seem harsh or not, its cos we r concerned for u
u r getting seemingly more and more suicidal - and yes, as plenty of us hav lost ppl to suicide, not all of us r going to react the way u want us to
mariposa said wat she said (im guessing) to give u a wake-up call
nothing else is working so far
and this is becoming more and more of a medical emergency
i suggest, whether u like hospital or not, u take urself there soon
cos if u cant pull thru this without medical help then u cud easily end up doing something which u hav no chance to regret
like ive said to u, it will get better - it has before
why cant u wait till uve tried the new meds etc before doing drastic things like making funeral plans and wills etc?
u say u want this thread open for support just so u know ppl care about u - u can see ppl care about u, but dont go scaring those ppl by telling us ur funeral plans and how u plan on ending ur life!


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Yesterday, 01:51 #44
wegwoman
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthrea...397757&page=28

this is coming fromthe above thread. I'm afraid I wear everyone around me out. Hence why I figure why bother hanging around. I would put thisis a journal becuase thats where it should be, but the journals are gone. And like I said no one else gives a shit anymore.
At this point I'm not even sure I can make it until Christmas...Let alone after that. There is also a glitch in my plan that either I need to work out or come up with another method. God I'm so afraid its going to hurt...I don't know why. I know no one can morally (on the board) suggest something less painful.

OD yeah been there done that, twice. I'm so stupid I can't kill myself right.
And there is no GOOD drugs to do that on anyway. I go back and forth everyday. Hospital or suicide. I have pretty much promised that no matter what I choose I'm going to do it, plan it and do it right.

Haha I keep begging my parents for a puppy for Christmas, hoping it would bring me some happiness or give me a reason so live. How pathetic. And of course I'm told no.

I'm always told, it could be worse. You could be your grandma in the hospital fighting cancer. There is someone that is always going to have it worse and a lot of people blow their brains out everyday. P.S. Not an option, can't afford, don't know how to buy, it would be obvious, and it would suck to be missing half my face and still be in this world.

But hell nothings fool proof... I just want to get close...

Oh my goodness, I care, I have been there to many times to count, I lost my mom at 16 to cancer, arrested at 17 for delivery of a controlled substance, 2 rehabs, a half way house. Suicide was always my escape route, but I’m not going to go into all the details but when you die there is a natural order to things, I have felt the positive side which is more beautiful than mortal words can describe and I have also felt the negative side and it’s more terrifying than human words can describe, I’m positive that there is a force out there, some call it God, but it’s not a man in a white robe it’s much, much, much more than that it’s a Force, basically LOVE. Positive thought is where it begins, you have to force out negative though with some thing, I have been a junkie who used to shoot up so much that I used my arms, legs anywhere I could possibly get a vein, I have lost my Mom my Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather, never had any brothers and sisters, the man I was with for 13 years was the victim of a drunk driver, I know what pain is, so I’m not talking out my ass. Have you had blood work done to see if there is a chemical imbalance, because you can go to counseling till your ears bleed and if U have an imbalance in your brain it won’t madder. You sound so young, Please try every other option before U end it, some times U just got to hang on, There is a higher power that spoke the universe into existence and It and I love you very much, and whether you realize it or not you’re a child of the most high, and your very valuable even if you don’t feel like it now. I am going to send U my unconditional love and positive energy, your situation hasn’t come to stay and it will pass, Please think about it, get that puppy and let someone you trust know how sad U feel, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Wegwoman


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Yesterday, 04:13 #45
Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 the funeral plans, the will, the living will and the hospital of choice were all pickedout BEFORE I was offered the new meds I start mid
week.

Only half is that is true, I just wanted an outlet. I'm too much of a coaward to cut deep enough to kill me.


Thanks wegwoman.


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07-12-2008, 22:10 #31
drug_wench
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xxkcxx
Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.

sometimes uve got to do wat u hate in order to lead a life ur oneday going to love
no quick fixes for GAD either unless SSRIs work for u and they dont for me, so i had to go with therapy
now im bloody glad i did
find a gd therapist and u probly wont hate it as much as u hav in the past


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08-12-2008, 04:22 #32
Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 SSRIs make me OBESSIVELY suicidal
and my therapist is being a bitch

mediations I've tried:
Celexa
Effexor
Zyprexa
Clonazepam
Lexapro
Aprazalam
Depakote
Wellbutrin XL
Buspar
Seroquel
Niravam
Risperdol
Lorazaepam
Ambien


Current coming of Wellbutrin XL and on Clonazepam, Ambien and Will be starting Lamital soon.


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08-12-2008, 05:00 #33
mrjackjones
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Posts: 65 Been there. I was once in the state long-term psychiatric unit on 4mg risperdone, 120mg fluoxetine, 10mg ambien, and 2mg clonazepam (every four hours). The hospital was top-notch. The diagnosis was very intense (I recall doing a 900 question multiple choice test over four days). We attended day programs, which were like real life psychology courses, from 7:00am to 2:00pm. In the evening, all three units (the two long-term units, and one permanant) would socialize do whatever. It was a great place. Fuck outpatient clinics. they dont know what they are doing. They fucked me too many times with no therapy but plenty of assorted pills, constantly switching meds... its dangerous.


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08-12-2008, 05:11 #34
Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 This is over 9 years...
I wish I had a psych unit like that...

But right now I'm leaning the other way....just have to make it through the holidays....


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08-12-2008, 05:16 #35
mrjackjones
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Posts: 65 "Close off your mind, relax and fload downstream... it is not dying. Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void...it is not living." - John Lennon

I had to say no to psych meds at some point. I have not taken them in years. But I'm not well, either. opiates make me feel the way I think I should always feel, thats my current medication, for good or ill. However, I never have a completely steady supply of one specific opiate (preferably morphine), and am always high low high low not high enough too high sick suicidal well and around again. its a problem.


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08-12-2008, 05:18 #36
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Posts: 65 yeah i wish i did too now, but its really hard to get back there. i have to exaust all the psych units in the area until they refer me to the main state hospital. and when they realize im an opiate user, it makes it even harder.


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08-12-2008, 05:46 #37
Pillthrill
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Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.

I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.

But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...


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08-12-2008, 06:06 #38
mrjackjones
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Posts: 65 my loved ones resent me too. it isnt their fault that they dont understand. i dont want to hurt them. a full syringe has been the plan. 300mg in one shot will do it. thats how Freud went out. he did not want the cancer pain anymore. i dont even like needles. but what a horrible thing to lay on your family, right? and 'tis the fucking season...


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08-12-2008, 06:31 #39
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Posts: 6 hey pillthrill...

ive been affected by many a suicide in my life, so many in fact, that i lost count long ago...

that phenomana, along with my own life events, have lead me to thoughts of going that way myself.

ive done a lot of thinking re this issue and, the only conclusion i can come up with to remedy it, is to see it as self indulgence. i know that might sound harsh... i dont think that suicide is cowardly, in fact, i think it takes a lot of guts to make that step to end your life. life is a gift, to throw that away...

i try to live by the adage "if you choose, choose not to bother', in other words, dont let anything you do adversely affect anyone else.

now with every suicide that passes, there have been three this year, it only hardens my resolve to stay alive. and that i will.

as YOU will, pillthrill...

Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 Its all just so complicated. Actually, my mother says shes is sick of my complaining so I no longer speak to her about my problems or how I feel.

I understand where he is coming from. He thinks it will hurt less if I do off myself if I was just "some girl that he was dating" than "my girlfriend".
Its so hard really, last night taking harmful things from my hands as I fall to the floor crying. He comes down and pulls me up and all he wants is for me to listen and just stay there...
But nothing reaches me, especially after I've entered that dissociative state.

I told him that I wanted to tell him something and he didn't have to say anything, I said I loved him and he said it was only infatuation....
I'm good enough to take out, act like your gf, sleep with, but not enough for a title or him not negate how I feel. I really hurt. I can't help it. I'm BPD, I feel things so much stronger than everyone else love and pain.

So then because everything is black and white, I tried my hardest to drive him away from me, when all I wanted was for him to hold me. I hate being Borderline...pretty much sucks


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07-12-2008, 18:54 #27
drug_wench
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ur mum needs to learn a bit more about ur disorder and b a supportive mum - wen ur depressed of course ur going to need someone to talk to about it! im sorry to hear u cant even talk to ur own mum
as for ur bf - hun, ur worth more than wat he has to give, which sounds very limited to me, but its ur call.....true love has no boundaries
can u talk to ur dad?
i had never heard of BPD until i met jacqui, and another chick who had it, nici, who i was in detox with and was very close to for awhile (unfortunately nicis gone back to IV meth and i just cant b around her selfish as that sounds - she said she wud do it in front of me, she needs it that much)
i learnt a lot about BPD and yes i learnt the negative things about it but one thing that struck me about both jacqui and nici - and i recognise this in u too pillthrill - is a true capacity to empathise and care for other ppl
i was very sick wen i was living in the halfway house with jacqui and 5 other alcoholic women twice my age
none of them understood anything about meth and opiates and why shud they? they had their own problem to deal with
but i tell u, wen ur still physically unwell from coming off suboxone, lonely cos ur the only drug addict among a bunch of older women who all shared the same DOC and watched coronation st for fun, and worst of all.....often going thru psychosis due to long-term drug use.....
well i used to regularly shut myself in my room and just shake and cry - and it was always jacqui who wud instinctively know - and care - that something was wrong, and she wud come and hold me tight and talk to me gently
nici was much the same - she was going thru meth withdrawal but she didnt suffer psychosis and she wasnt coming off opiates as well
she wud see me huddled in my room and shed come in and hug me and tell me it was all going to b ok - that i cud always count on her and come to her wen i was scared (thank god cos that was often)......she was even nice wen i threw up on her dressing gown
anyway im going off-track
there is plenty of good in BPD ppl that ive seen - maybe cos of their intense emotions
yes u cud call it a curse, but in some ways its a blessing too cos in some ways it makes u a really likeable person


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07-12-2008, 21:21 #28
Pillthrill
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Posts: 3,530 She has tried she read the "Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide". She was better for like a week.

My real dad is a asshole who basically has not part in my life because he allowed the abuse that likely help make me this way.

Borderline is a blessing and a curse, you feel SO strong, whatever feeling it is. You can connect well with other's feelings well that way. But it can also we painful.

I can often feel things are not right with people somehow...I help others, but never myself.

Pretty much the emotional hemophiliac ....


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07-12-2008, 21:41 #29
xxkcxx
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Posts: 119 Yeah, I have BPD too. I don't see it as a blessing in anyway though. I've lost a lot of people I love because I cling on really tight (being afraid of possible abandonment) and then they push away because I give them no space. I also never experience my own emotions because I just take on what everyone else feels.

Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.


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07-12-2008, 21:46 #30
El Guapo
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Posts: 258 Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I need to know that I matter, to someone, somehow...

Not acknowledging this, at this point, is simply irrational.

Look at how many responses you always get to your threads. So many people have positive things to say to you. The fact of the matter is, now matter how you feel right now, there are people out there/here that care for you.

I don't even know you and I rarely contribute in TDS, but if you killed yourself I'd definitely feel sad. There is never a good reason to kill yourself when you are so young and have so much life left. One thing to think about that might take your mind off things is learning. Along with the one positive thing per day mantra, try the "learn one thing per day" technique. I find that discovering new things and adding new knowledge is one of the easiest and most satisfying things you can do- especially with the internet. Make wikipedia your new best friend, you'd be surprised how quickly an hour or 2 can fly by when you are learning about all kinds of crazy shit.

Most of all- listen to the above advice, especially DW. You need to go to the hospital soon if you cannot stop thinking that suicide is a valid option. I'm positive that your family would appreciate a Christmas visit to the hospital rather than a Christmas visit to the cemetery.

I missed you guys!

Yay for new beginnings!

*** copied from BL journal ***

I was getting aggravated that the tracks on my arms were still pretty visible. Four days ago they looked like someone had drawn thick lines down my arms with a pencil.

Well, I've been exercising, drinking LOTS of water, eating healthy and taking One-a-Day vitamins. Today, the 'pencil lines' are no longer there. I now have short, pinkish lines and they aren't immediately visible. If you stare, yeah you'll definitely see them but who other than people like us stare at people's veins? I think the vitamins are a huge part of the healing.

Those tracks were a painful, everyday reminder of losing almost everything. They also remind me of the good things and people that I still may lose because of my relapse into addiction not so long ago.

Oh, I went to the doctor today to get tested for blood born viruses and sexually transmitted diseases. We chatted a bit about anti-depressants, bacterial infections and whatnot. I couldn't do the blood tests though because I had just eaten and the blood work shouldn't be done if you have eaten in less than 8 hours. Soooo... Saturday is when I get to have my tests done. I can't wait. I'm 99.9% that I have no viruses but its always good to have a definite answer.

I'm picking away at all the things I need to do and it feels good.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Someone showed me a clipping from a newspaper article about a specially trained dog that dials 911 emergency in the event his guardian becomes incapacitated.

The guy suffers from seizures and, thus far, when he was alone with his dog, he had two seizures. The dog dialed 911 (I'm sure it is a specialty phone) and barked into the speaker. The 911 operators have a note in their system that states that the guardian has a dog that can call 911 in emergencies. Paramedics were sent and the guy was saved in this manner twice!

Dogs fucking RULE!!!!