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This life has been interesting. I've played all the roles one can play with the exception of the most important, the real me.

Fear and the comfort of illusion has prevented me from being who I truly am (whoever that may be). The masks I've previously worn are now thrown away. I've held on to them longer than their shelf life would allow. I've worn these masks, however tattered, however many holes were worn into them, for too long. People started to see through these holes and have seen the real me. I wish I knew who they saw through those masks. Perhaps it would help me understand who I truly am.

I feel naked and vulnerable without the comfort of these masks to hide the person that I am, that I'm afraid to be. I won't go digging in the trash for them and I will not make new ones. I'll just need to let the world see me for who I am afraid to be and use the strength I've gained from self-inflicted pain to handle the results.

Standing emotionally naked in front of the world terrifies me. I can no longer pretend. I can no longer falsify my being. I will not accept the comfort of lies.

I just wish I knew.

Who am I?

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I'm one impatient dude! I've been home a little more than a month. Prior to this I was (and the reason for moving back home) I was doing a lot of coke after being clean for 5 years. I started snortin' then quickly moved to the needle. The shit delivered all the pain, psychosis, loss, emptiness, etc that I knew it would times ten.

I've been working at my friend's pizzeria. He's helping me out big time and he is also in great need of someone he trusts. I'm REAL antsy now. I'm conflicted with what the 'right' thing to do is. I have few goals that I want to achieve and I'll never get there with the money I'm making or the schedule I work. I NEED stability and I need to play catch up with my financial situation. I want that sense of financial comfort I had before I started using again. I also want to invest about 15-20% of each paycheck into a 401k.

I think that this is a sign of impatience and fear. I want what I want pretty much, not necessarily now, but pretty soon. I'm also afraid that if I take too long in getting back on my feet I'll lose. I think the right thing to do is work for my boy for a couple months and then start looking for work. I just can't do the 'right thing' right now. I started looking for corporate full time gigs the other day. I didn't apply. I need to update my resume first.

Another factor for me getting out of the pizzeria is that it kinda makes me feel like shit about myself. A lot of this is brought on by my own unrealistic thinking but it is a depressing environment. On the surface you can't see the tension and underlying stresses on the family but it is there. My friends whole family works there and life is fucking with them pretty hard. Everyone's hurtin' and that just multiplies my own stupid shit.

NA is pretty cool but I haven't been following the suggestions that are proven to work. Stupid shit like 'one day at a time' actually applies. I'm sitting here stressing about unrealistic possible futures that it has ruined my day. I busted my ass today and tonight, didn't do any drugs, unpacked boxes and played with my dog. I did all I could do for today (not really). I just fuck myself up when I analyze the shit out of stuff. I do have faith but for some reason I'm gravitating toward the negative.

Truth be told, I haven't been to a meeting in awhile and I haven't spoken to my sponsor in a bit either. I can't be slackin' like this. Complacency isn't my friend. 12 steppin has a proven positive track record for me so I gotta get back into the swing of things. More meetings. Fuck, I remember 2 weeks ago I was convinced I was going to do 90 in 90. Never happened.

I am seeing progress, though.

I just want more now.

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Well, I wanted to go through the initial stages of getting clean without being on anti-depressants. I think I may need to get back on them.

I have so many feelings and emotions that I think are natural but are somewhat erratic.

Today I was slicing onions at work. I was also tired, worried, and not liking myself too much. Tears started to form in my eyes from the burning that onions tend to do but there was something more. I had a tightness in my chest and felt a little flushed.

I went into the walk-in refrigerator to alleviate the reaction to the strong onions and relief came; however, real tears started to come from my eyes and my chest was now tight and quivering. I felt empty and low.

I want to be a 'natural' me, unaltered by mood inhibitors/stabilizers but I don't know who this 'natural' me is. Do I suck it up and allow these feelings/emotions to occur? What is a balanced mind like?

I don't want to be that cold, distant and unfeeling person on Paxil. I want to be a REAL person that can ride out and feel his emotions completely and then let them go so that new ones can be experienced.

I just don't know. I need to get myself better so that I can start living life again. I need to feel but just don't know what feelings are healthy or what ones are extreme and dangerous.

Fuckin' onions!

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I'm noticing things about myself and realizing the legitimacy of things said in the various 12 Step fellowships.

For instance, its possible to be clean but still use. Just because we stop the drugs we can very well replace those drugs with other things. Tonight I went to hang out with 'M' and her son to watch a movie. I was excited to see them both but was a little nervous. A few years ago her son thought I was a cool guy. I was nervous because I know I have changed since then but am currently in the infant stage of awareness to the changes in my personality. I wanted to be sharp as a tack and try to mimic who I was when he knew me. Its very important to me to be accepted by her family, they are all amazing. Well, I used prior to driving to her house. I didn't partake in drugs but I used a legal substance in the form of one of those mini-bottle, long lasting energy drinks you'll find at the convenience store.

Hmmmmm, just because its legal doesn't mean its good for me. Also, the reason I drank it lends weight to how addicts like me will grab pretty much anything to alter themselves.

Well, the shit got me WIRED and gave me a fucked up stomach pain. So my attempt to be 'on the ball' due to my best thinking was quite contrary to my goal.

At least I'm learning, right?

We had the opportunity to talk and, I gotta tell ya, honesty is a motherfucker! She told me about her recent ex and a little bit of their history and my stomach just got weak, I was cringing internally and I was hurting from what I heard. But wait... THIS IS A GOOD THING! I've been so far away from reality and my self-centered life and thinking was so embedded in my behaviors and thoughts that I realized that I need to accept the repercussions of my actions. I still get sick to my stomach picturing someone else sleeping with her or even just touching her. She told me that she did love him, in a sense and hearing that sucked. However, if she was happy, secure and safe (which she deserves to be) then it isn't all that bad. It could have been much worse.

Pretty soon my rampant, erratic emotions will stabilize, I'll be more secure in myself and be more accepting of the realities of life.

She was positively glowing tonight. This made me remember all the goals I once had to be a better person (quitting smoking, exercising more, being more responsible, watching my fucking foul mouth, etc)

Its nice to be inspired.

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I love her. I loved her before but this is much more pure and deep.

I haven't had butterflies in my stomach and chest in a LONG time from just thinking of someone.

I've had butterflies everyday since that night I first saw her again.

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I want this to be over. The uncertainty, the confusion, the cravings.

I want to be me again but only if it is a better me.

I want to feel balance.

I want the uncertainty of others to go away.

I want to be free of these memories.

I want and want and want.

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Walking to the store one day, perhaps four years ago or so, I passed this stone wall. Laying on this wall was a turtle. Turtles don't lay. It was upside down and dried, decayed from the sun. Someone had placed this poor creature upside down on it's shell. It was rather large and had a beautiful brown shell with swishes of the most intense and amazingly beautiful green I had ever seen.

Who would do such a thing? This innocent, sentient creature was placed in an impossible position to recover from and simply left to die. Can you imagine its fruitless struggle to regain mobility? Can you picture this struggle going on for days until finally, too weak, hungry and dehydrated to move, death comes to relieve the agony of helplessness?

I remember the turtle. I hope I never forget.

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Someone special is back in my life. I only wish i started to work on myself sooner. She is amazingly strong and has made an effort to improve herself. She's always been perfect in my eyes but i still wasn't the best boyfriend that i could have been. I could have handled things MUCH better in the past. I'll just focus on learning from that behavior and stop being so selfish (among other things).

I have this fear that she may have grown past me. Basically, she tackled the things she didn't like in her life and I've run away from mine.

I hope i get better soon. A life with her would be so nice

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I only care about two things right now. My exgirlfriend. My dog.

I have hopes of getting back together with her but she is being very careful about things since I've hurt her before and she knows that I struggle with my addiction and depression.

She's a very strong woman but she doesn't need any negativity in her life (especially my petty bullshit)

I've been thinking of suicide again. Its the main thing on my mind lately. I fucking hurt and just want to be loved by someone. My actions lately have been screaming 'Please help me' but everyone seems to think i'm this tough guy that can handle shit. I'm not handling shit at all.

I went to the city and bought some rocks last night even though i hate crack (it seems such a waste). I couldn't find heroin, which i intended to smoke off foil until it was all gone, OD or not. I have zero tolerance for opiates so i guess its good that i didn't find any.

I am capable of loving others without condition. My ex is the only one i know who can do the same. She is so kind hearted but I fucked everything up by moving to another state for money and status in the corporate world.

I haven't been to an NA meeting in a few days and don't feel good enough to be there.

I fucking can't handle all these feelings and my mind racing a mile a minute. Its fucking me up bad but everyone is experiencing hard times and they are doing what they need to to survive.

I always believed that the only way to kill yourself was to cut yourself from ear to ear. An act like that takes commitment. Now I'm a pussy and plan on ordering some needles, copping heroin and doing two shots, one to enjoy and one to kill me.

My dog is sleeping a lot, peeing a lot and having hip problems. He still plays a lot with his toys but if i hadn't ignored him so much when i was using hardcore he probably wouldn't be having physical issues right now.

Life isn't a fucking gift. I fucking hate it.

Sometimes I fantasize about getting shot in the head by someone trying to rob the pizza shop i work at. Sometimes I just daydream about collapsing from an aneurism.

I just don't want to be around anymore. Haven't I done what I'm supposed to to earn death? What more do I need to do? Please tell me so that I can get it over with.

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Where is it?

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No cravings today, holy fuck!

This is going to be tough but I HAVE to do it. I've been seeing a lot of people going through exceptionally difficult times lately. Not necessarily drug related problems either. Life just seems to be kicking the shit out of many good people. I'm wondering if I'm noticing this so often because of the difficulty I chose to introduce to my life. It lends validity to the phrase 'water seeks it's own level'.

I'm getting bombarded with all kinds of feelings right about now. Regret, shame, anger, sadness, etc. I need to get myself back on track and healthy again. It seems like a huge effort but, man, I need to find balance and strength and the effort will be worth it.

I'm blessed with people in my life that are so kind, compassionate, caring and patient that I'm dumbfounded. When I was clean before I don't remember being any of these things. Looking back, I think I was cocky and selfish. I wish I wasn't because I was in love at the time and those aren't qualities that should be in a loving relationship (especially when the person you are with is so kind, compassionate and positive).

I wish I could do it it over. Not like go back in time do it over but, perhaps when I learn balance and get back to healthier living, life may give me another chance to do a relationship properly.

Tell ya what, if the next relationship I'm in turns out to be the last I would be pretty happy. This means I'm going to have to be very select.

I don't know why I'm talking about relationships. I need to take care of myself first and that may take awhile. Shit, I've only been off coke for about 7 or 8 days (I really should figure out the exact day I used the shit). Thats not a bad number but it is still WAY early in the process of dealing with my addiction.

Eh, it'll fly by, I'm sure. Before I know it I'll be in a better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Until then, I'll just continue staying away from the garbage and negativity.

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Ha! My dog is sooooo happy now! Man, I've neglected him so much when I was slamming that shit. He was pretty confused then.

I remember locking my bedroom door and staying in there for days, rarely coming out. Most of the time he hung downstairs with my roommate but often he would scratch at my door and whimper. I would let him in and give him a shaky handed head rub and return to the bathroom. He would come in and firmly press his head against my leg and wag his tail as he pushed as close as possible against me.

If I was in the bathroom then that meant I had a needle in my arm (I was always in the bathroom). I would snap at my boy because I didn't want to be jostled while I was fishing for a vein. It had to have hurt his feelings because he would either go lay down somewhere in the bedroom or go downstairs. All he wanted to do was spend time with me and express love and be loved. I was too selfish to bother.

During this time frame I could see my boy aging and the facial expressions he had were those of sadness, confusion and hope.

Now my boy is acting like a goofy puppy again (he's almost 11)! He plays with every single toy in his toy basket and... ...haha! He gives me what I call 'magical kisses' all the time now.

Let me explain... ...I always lay on the floor with my boy and rub his ears, scratch his belly or kiss him on his face and nose. He'll often raise his head and lick my face and more particularly, my shaved head for about 5 minutes non-stop. Sometimes my head will be DRENCHED afterwards. He's probably just licking me to get salt but it still makes me feel like he's telling me he loves me.

I get TONS of magical kisses now that I'm somewhat clean.

He deserves happiness

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I only have a few things to do tomorrow and am worried that, after the way i was thinking today, will I do what I shouldn't do? I was setting myself up earlier today to get some dope. I had money in my pocket and that was a huge trigger for me. Fuck! I worked tonight and now I have more loot.

I want to sleep in as long as possible, take my time with the shit i gotta do tomorrow but that still won't cover the hours of the day.

I still am not sure of my commitment to staying off drugs. Why can't I get high and be clean at the same time? That would be so nice to still hang around the amazing people in NA and still be high.

Drugs aren't a social thing for me though. I don't want to be around ANYONE when I'm doing my thing. I like my personal 'high' little world and there is only room for one.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I can't die yet, though. I have a strong feeling that my next shot will be 'the one'. I don't know if its because I want it to be the one or if i recognize my own stupidity and foresee doing the same amounts with a lower tolerance.

There is no such thing as 'one more'.

I think tomorrow is going to be a bad day

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Its been somewhere around a week since I've done any drugs. I've been drinking but not getting drunk. Today was pretty tough being inside my own skin. I'm really not accustomed to being around this asshole I call 'me'.

I was struggling and I had a few dollars in my pocket. I had thoughts of driving to Philly to score and I almost drove around the shady parts of my new town. I even looked into the syringe laws of the the state I'm living in now (BTW, syringes aren't sold without a prescription in PA). I was essentially setting myself up to fuck up.

I called someone out here that has been where I am and we ended up having lunch and shooting the shit about drugs, recovery and each others stories. That helped with my cravings pretty well but they came back rather quickly. I was fucked. I had nothing to do to keep me busy and I had to be around the asshole in my head who keeps telling me I'm a piece of shit. This voice is always coming up with the most fucked up justifications for sticking that shit in my arm.

Once again, I was FUCKED. There was no way I was going to make it through the day without fucking up. I was bored, angry, lonely and depressed and I had the rest of the day to get through.

My phone rang and it was my friend who owns a pizzeria. He was short handed and wanted to know if I wanted to work a few hours. Fuck yeah I wanna work! I was provided something to do and it silenced that asshole in my head.

After work I was feeling good. I boxed and bagged up all the stuff that they were going to throw out. I had 2 large pizzas and 6 big bags of assorted slices, mini-strombolis, hot dogs and a meatball sandwich. I threw everything in my car and headed to the popular spots where the homeless hang out. I drove up and down the streets for a little over an hour and didn't see anyone that was living on the street.

My 'check engine' light came on, I made a few more circles and went home. NOONE hungry got fed. I feel like a piece of shit. How dare I give up so easily when someone's stomach is in a tight, painful knot and the weakness from lack of food is making them shaky and feint. ALL that food went into the dumpster when I got home. Fuckin' lazy asshole. I should have tried harder. I KNOW I would have found them if I walked up and down some streets but I can't do that right now.

Anyone who's scored on the streets knows the eye contact game. Here I was driving slowly down impoverished streets in a drug infested town looking at everyone I saw to determine if they were homeless. Sometimes my eyes would lock onto someone else's and we knew each other, the dealer, the fiend.

If I walked those streets, the eye contact would have turned into one word conversations and I would be fucked. If i didn't buy it I would still have a definite known location to score when i have another day of doubt and weakness.

I didn't buy drugs but I didn't help anyone either. Noone ate and I think I'm an asshole for driving home so soon.

I could have tried harder

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I hit another meeting tonight. It was my old homegroup from when I was clean before. I saw some people that I was hoping to see and met some new ones.

I called 2 dudes from the phone list I was given last night. Spoke to one and left a message for the other.

Maybe I do want this. Maybe I do want to be the old me again.

The thing is that I'm real uneasy with my feelings. I'm so used to hiding from them, killing them or running away from them and now I realize that I have to face them and, goddess forbid, SHOW them.

I was telling a friend how I get choked up EVERY time I watch 'Intervention' and 'The Cleaner'. She said that thats a sign of a real man. I don't think I'm anywhere near being a real man. Someday? Maybe. I'm just afraid that if I ever do cry in front of someone (especially a girlfriend) then their opinion will change and the relationship will be over.

I don't have a girl right now and don't plan on getting involved for a while but when I do I want her to know that I'm strong enough to physically, emotionally and spiritually support her. My next relationship won't be so selfish. I want a teammate, not just a girlfriend.

Someday.

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Went to an NA meeting tonight and received a 24 hours or less keytag. I was trying to kill time before the meeting and didn't want to go home and 'nap' since I haven't been sleeping very well. I was scared that my nap would actually turn into a full sleep. I need a full nights sleep but I didn't want to miss the meeting.

My mind wandered to shady thoughts of checking out where the drugs were in town "just in case". Fuck that! Instead, i needed to find something positive to do for 2 hours.

Well, my buddy out here has a pizzeria and he gave me a pizza. I didn't ask for it but he remembered my appetite from before and just put it on a tray and said "Eat you skinny bastard". I told him it was a waste but he wouldn't hear it. I ate two slices and he boxed it up.

Driving around town, I couldn't think of anything 'wholesome' to do for the 2 hours before the meeting started but on my passenger seat was the box of pizza. Cool! My mission (if I chose to accept it) was to find out the local hotspots where the homeless hang out. I drove up and down the known streets and finally found someone picking through a trash can. I asked her if she was hungry, she said 'yeah', I gave her the pizza and then went to the meeting.

I'll be working at a restaurant soon and they throw out a lot of food at the end of the night. That's going to stop when I get there. Any leftover food is going in my car and some hungry people are getting their asses FED on the nights that I work!

Anyway, the meeting was real nice. People just like me were kicking back actually giving a fuck about others. These people weren't just talking about caring but they were showing it.

I shared at the meeting and got choked up so stopped talking before anyone could notice i was about to break down. Its safe to show emotions in those rooms but I'm just not ready to show my human/emotional side to strangers yet. I know that will hurt me more by not letting people in on my feelings, but, I need to learn how to combat my perception that people will exploit my weaknesses if i reveal them.

It was still a nice hour and a half. I'm hitting another one tomorrow.

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Well, my dad is flying out to 'escort' me home. This sucks. My folks don't believe that I'm ready to drive home but they won't lend any money because I spend it on shit.

I had a credit card that I was relying on for the trip but it has been cancelled so now I gotta be 'babied'.

I ate on Wednesday (i think) and am really weak and shaky today.

I heard from my ex-girlfriend who is doing awesome and is happier than ever. She was worried and wanted to know if i am ok. I replied but as much as I miss her I will not allow my negativity to affect her and respect her wishes to not be in her life anymore.

These are the prices we pay and its just a part of life

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Well, I shot up a pill that I thought was Kadian (it turned out to be some kind of vitamin). I popped 4 hydrocodones and 2 ativans.

I'm moving to Philly tomorrow but I plan on pawning a watch and a surround sound system and copping H before hand. I no longer care about physical risks (including death) as long as I get a good rush before I die nothing else matters.

I used to be stable but now I'm an unbalanced, erratic selfish piece of shit.

Its odd though, I LOVED the NA meetings where I'm moving to. The people were so amazing and real. Shit, I'm misty just thinking about Trina, James, Eric, Henry, Opal and all those ones I can't remember their names. They are such GOOD people. I want to see them again but I'm not ready to quit using. I'd give everything I have just to get a hug from one of them.

I went to an NA meeting in the area I'm at now and didn't even get a hug. Thats all I really wanted was a hug from someone who understands. Fuck, some sort of nonsexual physical contact would be wonderful (even just a hand on the shoulder)

Why am I so needy? I know I'm alone because of the drugs but everything seems so empty and pointless. Nothing interests me besides drugs.

I guess these are all signs of the end. My poor dog is doing to be so confused. I'm bailing on my only friend. I'm a fuckin asshole

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Well, I'm moving back east tomorrow. The house is a fuckin' mess and nothing is packed. I'm going to throw the essentials into a box, grab the dog and leave.

When I get their I'm going to let my folks have the house and its contents then I will cut all ties with them.

I'll need to find someone loving to take care of my dog. It hurts most that I'll not have him in my life but I can't have him on the street with me. He deserves happiness.

Once again... fuck family, they just want control

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Well, this is day 3 of not doing any coke. Trust me, if it was around it would be in my arm. I feel ok. I've been drinking and playing around with pills but NO COKE.

The thing with me is that I don't like the discomfort of being in my own skin. Its much easier to numb out and hide from myself than to see myself through clear eyes. I'm really not a bad person but I still can't stand myself.

I was thinking of volunteering at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or needle exchange when I get back east. The time isn't right for that now. I can see through my own bullshit on this one. You see, I REALLY want to slam heroin. Where better to find the good connect than through one of the three spots I just mentioned?

After I get some clean time I'll look into volunteering. I really want to help others but I gotta take care of myself first. I just really don't think I care about myself enough to take action to help me.

I'll hit some REAL NA meetings when I get back to PA. Places that have junkies like me and not just a bunch of spoiled white folks patting themselves on the back, posturing for others with less clean time than themselves

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Well, my connect isn't around for a few days so I grabbed some hydrocordones (i forget the dosage but they said m366 on them). It was pretty cool.

I had a couple of drinks of vodka and took two pills. I didn't feel anything after about 45 minutes so i said "fuck it" and went to bed. While laying in bed i started to hear things similar to the auditory hallucinations i got when i went cold turkey from paxil (distant banging sounds and 'clanking' inside my head).

Soooooo, this stuff takes a bit to hit! Cool. I got up and grabbed to more pills and did a cold water extraction to get rid of most of the APAP. I drank that down and felt drowsy after about an hour so went to bed again. HAHA!!! Thats exactly how I felt! I remember laughing LOUDLY and in a quite silly manner. I also recall walking around but not being sure if i was dreaming or if i was actually walking around the house.

I was diggin' this so I took another (minus the CWE). Layed in bed again and started laughing again. I fell asleep and had AMAZING, realistic, colorful dreams that were so pleasant.

Hmmmmm..... ...i gotta look into this opiate thing some more!

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Still feelin' like a piece of shit but haven't thought seriously of suicide yesterday and today.

I was lookin' forward to moving back east but now I am dreading being near my folks. I'd much rather sell my house, take the profits and just disappear from my family. Fuck them! Bustin' my balls over the stupidest shit. I can understand them causing grief for the all the shit my drug use has caused. I get that. If you're going to bitch about something as stupid as not having taken a cabinet off a wall than you gotta go fuck yourself.

I would love to just cut off all contact with family. They've been a crutch for me. I'm thinkin that I can manage without them. It'll be tough at first but worth it in the end.

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Don't ever allow someone to know who you are or what you have become. When you do, they disappear.

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Got some things done for my move to Philly today (actually yesterday).

jammed a 16th which, once again, provided no pleasure. Afterwards I just drank some vodka and snorted 2mg of ativan.

I've had some bad thoughts recently... I want to try iv heroin. Knowing how i am, I would fall in love with it and seek it and use it until i have lost everything.

Coke doesn't give me pleasure anymore and I find alcohol and pills to be sub-par methods to get me away from myself. I have absolutely no tolerance to opiates so this brain of mine figures I could get WAY high for a low cost and minimal product.

To tell the truth, i think of heroin often now. I snorted it 22 years ago but that was more of a pseudo drunk feeling without the heavy head.

I considered shooting meth but availability is scarce and the thought of iv'ing something that is 100% synthetic goes against what is left of my comfort level.

This journal was meant for me to reflect on after I got clean. Fuck, I'm going on a quest tomorrow

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Well, I went to an NA meeting today. I fidgeted in the back the whole time and was real uncomfortable when people approached me. I was open-minded and critical at the same time

Dude asked if anyone had a burning desire to use, before I could raise my hand, some motherfucker (who walked in late) started talking like an NA guru. He actually preceded his little speech with "I have a burning desire HaHaHa, no, I just wanted to share". Get there earlier motherfucker.

Next, some chick started sharing about how great life was now that she's clean. (You had time to say that earlier, bitch). I want to get to the point where life is great and I knew I was gonna use after the meeting. For some reason I thought if I could have said something, I wouldn't have rushed out of there to get fucked up.

I'm going back Thursday, though. I'm gonna kick this shit and no self-important 12 stepper is gonna get in my way.