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4:35 PM
I was discharged today!

Since I'm writing so late, details will be a lot less than usual.

Last night, the cute girl and I ended up making out. It was nice! She enjoys rough sex, passion and pain as well. She didn't care if anyone in our unit saw our public displays of affection (hand holding, caresses, gentle nudges, etc.). We didn't make out in front of anyone though. That would have lacked class.

She's a good kisser.

We were passing notes back and forth through the night like elementary school kids. It was cool. Our notes/letters weren't smutty but did have a decent amount of sexual innuendo with a spattering of smut (I admit).

The plan is that she will call me on her discharge date (to be determined), I'll pick her up, take her to my house, have sex and then drive her home. We'll see if this happens.

She walked me out this morning and we were all over each other. A nurse came out and bitched her out saying that that was "very inappropriate!'. I was laughing.

My mom picked me up from the facility and took me to my car so I could pick up Shaman. I was really excited to see my boy!

I drove to the pizza shop first to see everyone and to make myself a sandwich. The owner/friend of mine said he could give me hours. That works for me.

I picked up Shaman and we went home and played a little, snuggled a little and just spent time together.

I wish I could provide some sort of awesome ending to this particular Blog category but, sorry, I'm anxious to start transcribing my entries to BL so...

so i just got back from my gas station job. i had just closed up the store and while walking to my car i saw a car at a pump (all the lights were off at the station). i walked up to the car and said "what are you doing?"

the conversation consisted of me explaining to him that its illegal in new jersey to pump your own gas and that if he started a fire there would be liability issues and him replying with loud obnoxious shit.

his excuse was that he was about to run out of gas and that in massachusetts your aloud to pump your own gas after they're closed...

he then started to get loud and i started to be a dick. he said that he was about to run out of gas and it was "either get gas or have to push the car"
i replied with "thats really not my problem"
for some reason i took it personally that he was such a dick

it pissed me off that he was so far of his element, pulling into an emtpy dark gas station on a dark ass road; hundreds of miles away from his home state nonetheless.

the conversation ended with him saying some stupid shit like "sometimes you gotta break the rules".

They say u cant run forever, and the shit hits the fan eventually. aint no way around it, over it, under it or behind it, it all ends the same way if you aint ready to stop it before it gets there. jails institutions and death sounds like exaggeration, like they forgot to tell about the one exception that is you in the theory there. but there aint no "jails institutions and death and doing good chipping and not gettin caught and not gettin addicted again" come on now be real. the last meeting i went to the topic i randomly pulled was Denial. I talked about my game, my big ol secret that nobody noticing, perfectly played but how i aint no dummy...i know its bound to stop sooner or later. you get chances and you fuck em up and eventually the chances stop comin and you staring down a long ass hallway with some metal gates clatterin shut behind you and a pair of green scrubs in a ball under your arm.

How I knew that i aint sure. how time always seems to place the signs right in front of me, talkin thru me, speakin the truth, the future from my own mind, sometimes you know more than you know.

and so i cant take the credit for havin a pure intention, but the results the same, diesel, Damn. I loved you. this is it , boo, but really this time, really, rain or shine. Aint even no choice, no chance. Its Done, completely, finished, over....I got VOP papers on file, ready to get released to the judge ready to send me to go be with my cousin in nj state prison for women if I dont do wat i need to get done now. and thats get clean for real this time. Shit coulda been different, I coulda did it better n smarter but you never know how blinded you are by your rationalized addiction til its too late.

thru all this time, everything changed , i stayed the same. that got to be different, i got to keep it movin. but stay here in my heart, theres always a part for you. I cant stay like this but ill never be far from you, all that i learned n the stripes that i earned with you...Ill never forget the times we spent how much it meant or how low I went....and i aint gonna forget all that i loved about you, but i got to be strong now without you.

As I looked back at my first blog entry, I am saddened by how little I have accomplished. I wanted to use this place a journal for my thoughts while I detoxed...

Well not only have I not detoxed, but I have fallen further into the pit of addiction. I am now back home, living with my parents. Living with my 2 kind, loving parents - and shooting dope in my room. God I disgust myself sometimes. Shooting heroin in the very room they provide for me, I am a fucking animal. Conditioned to respond to nothing but money and dope. Dope and money. This shit IS vicious. The sad thing is I still want off this god-forsaken ride, i'm just not sure how to start. Do I come clean with my parents and tell them everything, in turn breaking their hearts and possibly getting booted from my safehaven (home)? Or do I go it alone, attempting one of my many home detoxes, suffering alone and in silence? The veil is wearing thin... Somethings gotta give. Somethings gotta give soon. I hate myself right now, and all I can think of is waking up tomorrow to drive 1.5 hours away to cop.

I disgust myself.

It's been three days sober...other then weed, but even at that last night it got to the point where no matter how much I smoked I couldn't get high(er). I'm considering getting a bottle upstairs and slamming it even though it's only 11:00 A.M. However I don't even really care for the feeling of being drunk...I tend to get mean anyway. Really...I just want a few shots of dope...I just want that bliss...those few moments where I can't talk, I can't move, I'm completely spun...

I am supposed to spend the weekend with my mother because my stepfather left hunting. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy but you know how there are just those people you don't "click with" well that happens to pretty much be our relationship. The one main thing that really ruined what good our relationship had was when he kicked me out of the house after breaking into my computer and finding this info on cooking crystal meth. Really he has no reason to be going through my computer. I mean...shit he could go through my room...but my computer? Come on.

Anyway I popped 250mg of Tramadol, 20mg of Valium, and scraped the heroin out of my cooker and got a fairly good shot a little bit ago and I'm feeling great right now. Nam was real nice to give me a new kit with water, alcohol prep pads, tourniquet, one hitter kits, new rigs, and the whole setup so I can finally start injecting the proper way because I fucking lost my old kit. I hate to cut this short but I really feel like relaxing and enjoying the high I got going on.

New plan. Write a shitload of poems and see how many stick. I've got nothing on the line, so nothing good can come of nothing. Gotta do something. Gotta put myself on the line. Gotta string myself out, dance on the blades. No progress comes after one perfects nothing. I have to breed something, create what is from what was. The lead and tree fiber have to sing, cry, bleed. They have to tell the stories of joy, the dirges of torture, the swan song of a new beginning. I need to hone my craft by putting it out there, drop the ball. This pang to make others laugh, cry...I need to unleash the powers to resurrect and to end life...but I can't destroy what I can't touch. And I won't reap what isn't sown.

...I think I was a kinder, gentler person when I was using.

I feel like an asshole 'tough guy'.

I feel like people in the rooms of NA like me but the ones that hang out with me, who are getting to know me better, see a 'me' that I'm unfamiliar with.

All I need to do is not use and perhaps I'll become a better person.

I took 5mg methadone about 2 hours agoand then I didn't feel anything so I took another 5mg. Now I'm starting to feel it. I hope I didn't add the other prematurely, as I have a tolerance built up but only to about 20mg MSO4 iv daily on aveerage. Any feedback?

7:55 AM
I couldn't sleep for shit last night. My one roommate has sleep apnea and, as I tossed and turned, I looked up and saw him sleeping standing up. I've never seen that before. He stands about 6'3" and he was facing the door to our room about two feet from my head. It was too creepy.

I went out on the deck to smoke and, after a bit, the cute chick I was talking about came out to smoke. We made small talk and I asked if I made her uncomfortable yesterday when I told her I was attracted to her. She said "no", she felt a little weird but "that's to be expected".

I forgot to mention that when she came out she sat two chairs away.

This morning I told this dude that I gave/sold a pack of cigarettes to for $5 on the front to start borrowing money. He keeps telling me he's waiting on a check. I find this unlikely. He is wearing clothes donated by various organizations and has been in institutions most of his life.

Maybe ten minutes later he came up to me with a $5 bill. I told him to walk with me.

As we walked I told him to take the money back and I would walk with him to the person who lent it to him. I said, "Give the money back to him and say 'thank you'".

He asked why and I told him that it wasn't about the money. I said I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. I also told him that if he hadn't paid me back then he was essentially calling me a pussy.

He was very grateful.

We/he has all day to find the guy and if he does give the five dollars back to the dude I'm going to give him a pack of smokes if he follows through.

Oh, what REALLY sucks about this morning is that I dropped my toothbrush on the nasty floor after brushing my teeth. Looks like my breath is gonna be STINKIN' today and tomorrow morning.

10:45 AM
I am in a FOUL mood today. I'm angry for no reason and I'm spending entirely too much time in my head.

I walked out of our psycho-ed class. Its topic was "Crisis Management" but this particular counselor is extremely into herself and the topic wasn't adhered to.

Right now, at this point in time, I'm not ready to leave here. You can fuckin' bet that I will be rolling out at 9:45 tomorrow morning but I'm concerned that I won't jump on the things I need to do.

I have no friends right now and I have a big problem with isolation. Isolation and not going to meetings were big contributing factors to both my relapses.

I need to make friends in recovery. I'll definitely be calling my old roommate and hang with him but calling complete strangers that give out phone numbers is hard for me.

I gotta call Gaudenzia and see if they have an after-care program lined up for me. I know they have group therapy sessions but am unsure if they have me scheduled for them.

I've exercised to lose this shitty attitude I have but it didn't help. I think I'll take a nap either now or after lunch.

I hate this fuckin' place. The Clinical Assistants (CAs) care about us getting better but the program they are forced to follow, that has been laid out by some corporate entity, is complacent and ambivalent.

I feel bad for them.

2:10 PM
I'm in a MUCH better mood now.

There is one group therapy session that I actually get something from. I was sitting in the room waiting for it to begin and my roommate came in and said I needed to see the shrink for my psych evaluation that is necessary prior to discharge. I was PISSED. This mother fucker had already interrupted a 12 Step meeting that I needed and now he was interfering with my therapy. I said, "Fuck that" and stayed in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said I needed to see the shrink and it would only take a few minutes. It took a half hour because he had other people to see.

When I got back to group they had a few people discuss their issues and then folks had the option to 'recognize' those who were leaving.

A few people said some things but my therapist said the most important. She said she has no question that I'll do well in recovery. She says I'm assertive and chase after it. She mentioned that she feels I have trouble accepting the mental health aspect of myself. She believes pride is stopping me from accepting the mental health issues I have. She's correct but I'm still not taking any fucking pills. Her perspective is that this pride will eventually lead to relapse.

She is correct again.

10:45 AM
I didn't have the opportunity to write about "The Second Thing" last night. It was merely petty drama concerning a rumor that a staff member slept with a patient.

At around 8:45 this morning the dude I got into it with came up to me and said, "Jeff, I owe you an apology". We shook hands and it was over, but…

My skin roommate was discharged at 9:45 this morning. Maybe 10 minutes later, the dude that I almost fought stepped up to his girl and said something along the lines of "Now that your boy is gone you can talk, huh?" WTF? She handled it ok but I promised my boy I would look out for her.

I hate this stupid shit. These mother fuckers aren't here to get better. They're just looking for tail. I NEED to focus on me without the bullshit distractions.

Earlier this morning, when I woke up, I was in fight mode (this was before the dude apologized to me). It was very cold this morning and I was pissed that I couldn't wear a jacket to breakfast. A loose, fleece jacket is a detriment in a fight. I was also concerned that the two pairs of shoes I brought are slip-ons. No laces means that they'll fall off and give my opponent an advantage. I also tacked a calendar on my wall and 'shadow boxed'. I basically kept my eye on certain dates on the calendar and threw punches at them to improve accuracy.

I wasn't expecting or planning to have a jailhouse mentality in rehab. I'll need the weekend to de-program myself when I leave here.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I see significant changes already but these are merely the basics returning.

12:30 PM
I have group therapy in about 15 minutes. The therapist goes around the room and asks each one of us what we would like to talk about concerning ourselves. I think an appropriate topic would be 'rage' for me.

It takes a lot for me to get angry but that anger turns to rage very, very quickly. This kind of rage is something I just hold on to. When I hold onto it, other instances of rage occur and it all builds up until I explode again.

2:00 PM
Our group was on CBT concerning addiction, the pros and cons of it all. The cons, of course, outweigh the pros but we still pursue our addiction regardless.

There's one dude in our group, a dark skinned black guy, who's veins fuckin' POP out of his skin. I get distracted by this often. I think I'll make it a point to sit next to him in future groups so that I don't fixate on them and get distracted from the knowledge being discussed.

I'm due in the computer room for my tutoring obligation from 3:00 to 4:00. Yesterday was females only and it was dead, well actually, no-one was there.

The days when it is men only is packed. Thus far today, 2 or 3 dudes approached me with questions concerning the computer room. Interesting…

4:05 PM
I just got done over at the computer lab. I mentioned before that folks are more interested in Print Shop. Print Shop is a greeting card, flier, business card creator. Its a rather simple program but I haven't used it in something like fifteen years. I know my way around a computer but something as simple as editing a border had me looking like a complete idiot. Oh well, swallow your pride and ego, Jeff. That's kinda what this is about, its all about change. I guess these simple things are gradual lessons in the attempt to change.

4:20 PM
Note to self: Tell Steph (my friend's girl) that I'm not here to intrude on her privacy. I'm here to make sure no-one fucks with her and to make sure she gets everything she needs to be comfortable with that baby in her belly.

I don't want her to think I'm 'watching her'. I'm not. I made a promise to a good dude that I'd look out for her. I'm not gonna be her shadow. That would SUCK for her. Its all good.

5:10 PM
Just got back from dinner. I told Steph that I'm not here to 'watch' her, I'm here to 'watch out' for her. She laughed and told me she's depressed because John (her man) left today. They make a good couple.

Steph also told me she's trying to get me and her roommate together. Her roommate is the girl that tried to stop me from running downstairs to fight that guy. I told her that I'm conflicted. I'm attracted to her roommate but this place isn't the dating game. We're here to get better. However, I AM diggin' this girl. Physically she reminds me of a very thin 'M'. Steph said that she was just trying to arrange it so we could talk and stuff. We do talk but I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and interfere with their recovery. Women have it tough here. They have to put up with the distractions of us guys scoping them out. Fuck that, I'm not out to hurt anyone. Besides, I'm in love with 'M'.

I need to:
1) Take care of myself (recovery-wise)
2) Get over the loss of 'M'
3) Plain and simple… GET BETTER

I feel a little better today.

Sleep was really restless, though. I tossed and turned all night. I went to bed around 9pm, but I didn't even sleep until around 1am or so. I bought a packet of NyQuil gelcaps to try and help myself sleep. I ended up taking four at once and I'm not even sure if it did anything. I almost contemplated anesthetizing myself with a bunch of DXM, but I have no idea how that will affect me, nor am I willing to really pump myself full of DXM, or any drug for that matter, at this point.

Ah what am I saying--what I wouldn't give for some Xanax, Valium, or even a Soma.

That said, I do feel a little better today. I keep telling myself that every successive night, I will sleep better and better. Not perfect for a while, I'm sure, but it'll get better.

There's a family vacation at the end of this month. I can't wait to be sitting on a boat in tranquil water, comfortable, pleasant, and sober. I'm looking forward to that so much.

[edit] -- totally thought it was nitrous... so I replaced the places where I said "nitrous" with dustoff

So, I tried dustoff (thinking it was nitrous) for the first time tonight. It was interesting, but I don't think it's worth taking a lot. I feel like I'm ruining my braincells. Plus, one of our friends is an idiot while under the influence of anything, and that turned out to bite us.

I walked in to our apartment after working out, to my roommates lighting up a new bong they had just bought. So I went to go take a shower, then join them. When I got out, instead of weed, I found them with dustoff, and they offered some to me. -- I feel kinda bad, because if I do a drug, I like to know the downsides to the drug before I do it; and, I didn't read up on nitrous -- anyway, I took a small 'hit' of the stuff, and found a nice little numbing buzz. I didn't laugh too much, so I thought I either didn't take a big enough hit, or I'm taking some other lame drug.

A few minutes later, I went in for the second hit. I took a big one, probably 5-6 seconds of inhaling the dustoff. That's when I really felt it. The first affect I noticed was the buzz and numbness in my face; the second affect, a lightheaded feeling; the third, the buzz started moving up and down my face; then the hard trance techno I had playing in the background seemingly slowed down. I felt like I actually heard the beat and the melody get slower. It pulsed inside my head and vibrated through my body, and I stared at the laptop in front of me, which pierced through everything else in the room. All of the lights, and the silhouettes of the people all seemed to spin and blend with the background, while the laptop shined on vividly. I then leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes... *closes eyes*

Everything's black, and I got lost in my own mind. I started to have a seemingly weak dream, it was a long dream that I forgot shortly after. I remember seeing some of my family in it, and I was happy in it, but I woke up a minute later with my roommate kind of freaked out that my eyes were closed for so long. Apparently she put her hands on my chest to see if my heart was beating (she was a bit freaked out)... but I didn't feel nor hear any of my roommates in the background. I'm not sure if I passed out or not, but it was weird.

After that, I took some more of the nitrous and that's when I decided I didn't like the feeling of it. It felt like my face was numb, my tongue was vibrating, and I felt oblivious to any sort of emotional pain. It almost felt like I had eradicated all the bad things in the world, only to ruin the good things. I suddenly missed the feeling of pain, or cold air, or worrying. Without the bad feelings, the good feelings become bad-- don't worry, not a revelation I had or anything... just the decision I came to about dustoff (lol).

Well, anyway, we took some more of the stuff, looked at some trippy youtube videos, and some other stuff, but one of my roommate's friends just couldn't stop taking the stuff, and he ran into the bathroom with it. We didn't notice for like a minute, but we ran into the bathroom to find him fucked up leaning on the toilet and floor. He was spaced, gone, nearly passed out. He must have fallen backwards on the toilet, because the top part of it was now shattered and was flooding the bathroom. Idiot friend. I was pissed at him, and threw him out of the room, and fixed the fucking toilet (which we have to replace now ; he's paying).

I think I like weed better, there's less of a body high on it. And I know what to expect... and it feels less dangerous.

Up next: first time on shrooms, acid, mdma, dxm, and whatever else happens to conjure itself up in my path.

"this coffee isnt my coffee." exclaimed the half dressed woman who stood displeased by the counter. her hair was frayed and jumbled in what appeared to be some small animal's resting place. "you re-made the coffee, didnt you?" the accusation wasnt so cleverly disguised as a question behind her furrowed brow in the silent air of the morning hours. her lips pursed together as if to say why are you even in my house?
"i'll make another pot, mom. i thought it was from last night." a lie easily seen as such, i've never been good at that kind of thing.
"why bother? im leaving in ten minutes. i had a cup of the other coffee and it was so good." she sipped the side of the heart covered mug then wrenched her face in disgust, "i guess i'll just drink this."
"im sorry, i can make another pot in no time mother." i said pulling the coffee maker towards the end of the counter.
"i dont want another pot child. i want the old pot, but it's not here anymore, is it?"
"obviously not mother, but it could be."
"no it cant. my coffee is probably half way to tahiti by now in that drain"
"i dont think drains lead to tahiti."
"i dont think all the cords are correctly situated in your brain."
"sounds pretty serious."
she turned on her heel and scuffled to her room, disgruntled and mumbling about my bad taste in coffee and planning how to incorporated this into her daily gossip fest at work. postal workers are professional counselors when it comes to birds returning to the nest.

My mother and I haven't been talking as much since my 'fight' (that wasn't) with my father-
She is obviously hurt by this and calls all the time and I don't return the call.
I feel like a shitty daughter and I feel bad for her........
The background on my mother-
I have ALOT of issues with her- from a very young age she became my friend and not my mother- at 11 I was going with her to concerts and parties where she and her friends were getting fucked up (and she tried to get me to smoke pot) there are a million and one stories of my mother's poor choices.
She has made these choices out of a deep need to be loved and needed.
My father wasn't around much in my life and I replaced that companionship.
Anytime my mother needed guidance, she came to me....this has continued since my mom first saw me as 'an old soul'-
ANyway- She changes her views and what she thinks to fit whoever she is with or whoever she feels will benefit her more........
When my father and I had the spat, if you want to call it that, when i went to visit- my mother came up with all these claims that my father was in the right- I yelled at her and hung up.....
She flat out lied, like she always does.
I hate lies BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER.
She lies, keeps secrets and lives her life in this glorious bubble of denial.
It infuriates me that I can't let it go.......
ANYWAY-
My mother obviously has noticed my distance from her (I am doing this to try to protect myself from situations like today- She is my mother and I love her soooooo much. I see her as someone I need to take care of and comfort and console all the time....I do love her but it is a strange relationship- very turned around) So.....the last few times I have spoken with her, she does this voice like 'poor me' and I haven't been as coddling to her as usual.....
I have been distant and cut our talks short.
I feel mean and have caused this situation by being my mothers mother for the last 10 + years.......
But now I need a breather....like even a short one.
I feel guilty for it- my mom always said anytime I didn't want to talk to someone or didn't do what she wanted 'what if (blank) dies- won't you feel guilty!!' - Because her father died when he and I hadn't made up from my fight with him (he punched me and chased me around the house screaming all sorts of bs at me b/c i was disrespectful and not a catholic- i was 13) But she put this fear into me that now that I am wanting a bit of distance from her for a little while, what if something happens to her.......won't I feel awful.
Tonight Im listening to her talk and then she realizes I am still being distant so she decides to pull the whole 'I am in so much pain- I am so sick" (she has fibromyalgia and so do I so I can relate but she is just looking for me to coddle her) So I say 'Im sorry- I hope you feel better' in a cold voice.......
I couldnt hide it.
I knew she was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her....then she says she just wants to die and starts crying and says how she is okay if she dies now b/c she can watch over me and my brother and I was like 'When you are in alot of pain, it is normal to have thoughts of death and dying- but it will get better don't worry about it'
SO THEN she sees that is not going to work and she STOPS CRYING. like on a dime turn around!
UGH.
I knew it was alllll manipulation like always.......
Then she starts talking about my brother(she is jumping from one thing to the next to try to get reactions out of me and it was SO TRANSPARENT) She starts in on how his girlfriend gets all the attention and she doesn't get a letter but when he needs something, he will write to her.
That is when I snapped.
I am sorry. but my brother is in fucking Iraq- and yeah, right now he is safe at a base but he wasn't.....he was out fighting and seeing shit I can't even imagine.....so for my mother to act like my brother owes her something b/c she sent him a pair of fucking sunglasses when he needed it made my blood boil. And I said to her 'You are his parent. He does not owe you anything. That is your job as a mother, to take care of your son when he needs it- you act as if b/c you sent him a pair of glasses he is now in debt to you and must write to you every other day!'
She got all uppidy and was like 'oh, well, i have to go' (in this hurt voice....again trying to make me feel bad) so i said okay and we hung up.
What erks me is -
I KNOW what she is doing and I STILL feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!
I still feel guilty.
I think, My poor mother.
She is so lonely and just needs love......
But not once did she ask how I was feeling.....or how Andrew was feeling.......no no....
Man.....my parents confuse the hell out of me.
Just when I start to recover from their constant mindfucks- they strike again.
DAMNIT!

I swear to you, I am not a bitch.

Vvffd

This past week has been intense. The fact that I won't hear Chris's laugh again is just too much to bear. I can't believe he's gone and I don't think I ever will.

The whole world seems to be against me. Once I start feeling slightly better, everything blows up in my face and it's back to square one. It never ends.

Part of me just wants to end it all, but I can't do that to my mom or my Azrael. I scare myself though because sometimes the feeling is so strong that I don't even think about them. All I can do is hope the feeling passes. It always does, but I feel like a walking time bomb.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Had work a lil there...then 2 hour lunch break cause we are slow.

Anyway, he was smart and we had a lot in common but not so much that we couldn't learn from each other. There isn't anything we can't talk about.

With Sean, I couldn't remember, other than our first date when I was drunk and he just listened neither of us could remember a time where we just sat and talked all night.

Things with Tony are interesting for some reason we both feel like we have been together for months and act like it. I feel bad because it seems like I replaced Sean with Tony, instead of staying the night at Sean's I stay with Tony. Although I have to bring my own pillow since he has 2 furbabies that shed like crazy and I'm allergic. But I guess I had been falling away from Sean cause well, I was easy, he thought I would never leave. He told me so afterwards. He started to treat me badly and even when he was ok, he was ok.... Tony, I know its new, just seems so different.

Now I mentioned we get stoned, well we have a lot as of late just because, well I can. Sean was always so judgemental about things. Tony accepts me as I am. So I did some drugs, big deal. Not so wild about meth, but I wouldn't have to hide it from him. He doesn't hassle me about my glasses the way Sean always did, that I should wear my contacts. Or my make-up...he says he doesn't like a lot and he can't deside on a little or none lol. I know its new but we are both rather smitten with each other. That is the word we have chosen.

I've been having interesting experiences. I've been watching movies with Tony, stoned. Something I never did before, and I said "Its like my brain is relubricated and running sideways." I just suddenly saw everything in it so differently although I had seen it many times before.

Then the other day, ok back up. I'm lil so Tony as dropped adorable and cute cause I hate it, and has taken up the "pet name" of calling me a pixie. So I decided, ok yeah I just cut my hair and its a fun concept and I like him saying that (although he is on the short side, he says that I'm one of the few women that makes him feel tall. He seems amazed often at how little I am... at 22 lol ) so I decided instead of being a vampire as usual this halloween I'd be a pixie. So I looked it up...its origin is CORNISH! My family on my mom's side came from Cornwall, England. When I was younger and asked why I looked so "dark" (eyes hair, all that) my mother said it was the cornish in me. Strange huh?

So I have started on my costume already. I was inspired to be creative and that night I was filled with a very Piscan like sense of creativeity and mysticism that I haven't felt in a LONG time.
Not to mention, he is working on the house he lives at and we often will sit and talk decorating. His roomate that lives upstairs (and her illegal immigrant bf who Tony can't even speak to because he doesn't know spanish, he does like ordinary for sure...and I think he has a huge heart. But its a lil strange, now and then I bug him about it... ) doesn't really do any decorating or anythign downstairs, so Tony and I talk about it.

His living is this really sweet mix of antique and industrial. It's truely an amazing concept. But the walls are bare. He does have some blueprints of nuclear bombs we used to put up and a old old interesting movie poster... but he has commissioned me to do a art project for another.
He wanted to see my take on him. The things he enjoys and how I see him. So I've been working on that and I hope to be able to maybe share it with you all.

The photos will be black and white to try to add and keep the antique look...I mean he has a antique typewriter on his coffee tabe which is a old balck trunk, part of a wonderfully colored blue motorcyle on metal shelving with his books, and a old wooden radio in the corner...its so hard to explain it really but it works! ANY....
we think putting the pictures up on a old worn cork board would be a interesting way to display them, but wear would you find one....

The large flea market they have around here a couple times a year. (I had told Sean about it and he said no way.) You can find all kinds of strange and wonderful things there so we are planning to go in October. Good maybe I won't get heat stroke.

Hmm Tony is different in a lot of ways, only 3 years older but more together. BUT still young at heart. Sean hates bars, Tony doesn't mind hitting one with me. Sean doesn't like his parents that much...Tony sees them often lately, party out there and all, but my parents were like his second parents and holds them in high esteem. Sean hasn't met any of my friends and would say things like he doesn't like my family and he doesn't even want to meet my friends. Tony on the other hand, already knows some of my friends and like I said is rather accepting naturally and likes them, has no issues.

Right now, we see each other daily since he is so close, just across town, that isn't far compared to Sean. I still haven't mentioned to my family that Sean and I are done and that I"m seeing Tony, I mean he was the older kid next door and I'm not sure how they are going to feel about it. Although it really does seem like he would treat me right, and if he didn't there would be hell to pay I'm sure. But then agai I thought Sean would be a certain way and he changed, now he is committed to becoming that old person I fell for but it might all be too little, too late.

Of course being on my meds and off meth helps, pver a month off... I can see serious addiction there, but now and then I'm not totally turned off by the drug. Tony said he had run into it now and then, someone told him it was coke and then laughed when he learned it wasn't, dirty trick to play if you ask me. But really neither of us do anything but smoke pot together at night at the moment. My pain pills will be around here soon, but we have talked and he doesn't seem like he would be too bothered, as long as I maintained it....and well, I go half the month or more sober anyway because I run out. Lol

Right now I feel happy, and alive. Its sad Sean feels the way he does but thats just the way it went...

Life is never simple, perhaps life is nothing more than a series of random events and we make the choices that make those events not random and contain some meaning...

A few people have asked how my life has been since my 4 week ban...


Well a lot can change in a month.
I finally found a new job, running an accounting program at a auto care shop. I imput parts into the program, customer invoice tickets and make sure things get paid, then filing. It was really stressful at first. Learning new things are hard consider I have NO experience with Peachtree, Shopkey or any program like it. Not to mention my boss can be a lil hot tempered.. But right now, for some reason I get stuff done and just sit here and wait for the phone to ring. Rather boring. I could fall asleep right here.

I broke up with Sean. It all started when I ran into my old neighbor at the bar. 8 years my senior we never hung out when I was a kid. But we got along well and stayed in contact. One night he invited me back to his place for a few more beers after the bar closed... that was the start of many nights spent talking about stuff for hours and hours until the sun came up.
We have our own lingo, things we say that no one else would get, and keep a running list of things that we say when we are stoned that are funny. We have created a multi-color list of post-it notes on his fridge that it now moving to his unfinished walls after just a few weeks. lol But hey it can use the color.

He knew I was taken and tried not to cross the line. But I flirted and he did as well. I just couldn't believe how well we got along, he made me feel good, happy (meds help I'm sure), he was funny and smart and just great. We started planning a party that we will be having out in the woods that we used to play in as kids. There is a train tressle that we are going to have a bonfire under and even a little bridge to cross the creek in front of it. I'm very excited, its this Saturday.

As this goes on, we spend a lot of time together. With Sean living so far away it made things hard and he just hadn't been the person I fell for. I tried to break up with him once but it just hurt to much.

Another night talking to Tony, likely stoned, I realized. Sean is 12.... He uses the fact that he can't drive as an excuse not to work, and to just live in his partent's house at 27. I mean Tony can't drive either. He bikes to work and has his own place (although something has to be done about the cats...my god they shed so bad that my allergies go crazy) But anyway, I saw Sean going one way and me going another. Plus Tony and I were falling for each other and I was falling away from Sean. So I told him, get your life together, grow up, get a job, move out, perhaps drive and then call me and see what I'm doing.

He later texted me that this was a huge wake up call for him. Well I would hope so. I do want him to be happy, with or without me. He tells me that he loves me (over text when the whole 8 months we were together he never would say it back) and that he would change things and he wanted to have lunch so that I and I could end on good terms rather than the asshole way he treated me when I left. I still have some things to pick up anyway.

I'm not sure about this. I don't want it to become complicated. Tony seems ok, he knows that things are complicated. He didn't exspect that I would choose him... Really we are quite smitten with each other. Have a lot common but not some much we couldn't learn from each other.....

more later....

Just got home from a meeting. The folks there are good people and many remember me. They have reached out to me and it feels good.

After the meeting a bunch of dudes were hanging out across the street shootin' the shit. I could have went over and hung out to get to know more people that are trying to do this thing I'm trying to do. I hopped in my car and went home instead.

I used to dull my loneliness with drugs. I don't have that luxury anymore. This is a good thing. I need to learn how to face and deal with the things that make me uncomfortable. Face shit head on, ya know?

Shari didn't call today. I told her she could call collect but I don't know if collect calls can be made to cell phones. I'm curious (and concerned) as to what staff at the rehab had to say to her and my rehab roomie's girl about being with us the other night.

I'm worried about my rehab roommate as well. Something just doesn't feel right.

I'm tired and I know how that affects my mood and perceptions, but still... ...something is amiss.

It bothers me that I analyze things so much.

I sure would like to hear a woman's voice right about now. I don't know why. I'm afraid that perhaps I am trying to escape through chasing after relationships.

Isn't it natural to want to be with someone? I'm confused but this is to be expected.

Being clean is hard.

I have 18 days clean right now.

I hope I don't fuck this up.

Man, I'm inclined to disregard the concept of coincidence.

I went to the pizza shop that I work(ed) at to grab something to eat.

I was sitting at a table eating my chow and a regular customer came in. He went to grab a soda but the machine was out of ice. I popped behind the counter and grabbed $3 from the drawer and walked next door to the gas station to get a bag of ice.

Standing in line to pay, I see this cute girl jumping in and out of her SUV. She was high energy and had killer red hair. I then realized I knew her. It was the young girl with the Irish freckles from rehab!

I jumped out of line and yelled "Nora!". She looked up and didn't seem too shocked to see me.

She was STRESSED! She went AMA (Against Medical Advice) from the rehab last night and her ex-boyfriend had stolen her MAC card from her apartment. She said she was screwed because she didn't have gas to go to another guy's house to pick up her paperwork from rehab and then get home.

I threw a couple dollars in her tank, told her to come with me next door to eat somethin' and I would let her follow me to this dude's house since she didn't know the area.

We ate, she got directions to the guy's house, got my phone number and rolled out.

Before she left we were smoking a cigarette and I said "What are the chances that we would run into each other like this?"

She gave me one of her AWESOME hugs and said, as she walked away with a wiggle in her butt, "Ya know what that is? That's fate." She looked back at me with a sexy smile and I KNOW she caught me checking out her cute ass.

I kinda think she might like me.

I was digging aroung the other day and found this old video, thought I would share it with ya all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMhBSjr5_Vw

First let me clarify things. I used to speedball all the time. I have also pseudo-speedballed many a time. I miss those days.

I have ner heard of anyone who know there shit refer to anything other than Heroin snd cocaine thst hsas been combined so that both drugs are shot simontaniouisly.

Speedballl= 1 syringe (always buy BD, all the other sharps are too shodey, I use 30 gauge, 1 cc, .5 an inch sharps (I would go with a higher gauge but no parmacy near me sells .5 or 1 inch BDs that are over 30g

Psidudo-Speedball: 'cain plus a different strong, ephoric opioid. All else is the same.

8: 20 AM
I had some more dreams last night.

I was with Shaman walking towards the side of the house that I grew up in. He ran ahead of me and somehow squeezed through the gate. I walked in after him. For some reason I checked the gate and it was locked.

I was then laying in bed in my old bedroom scratching his cheek, chin and throat. I was wondering why I hadn't told my mom that I was home from rehab.

Then it was like another dream was happening at the same time (or that the two were alternating). The second dream was of a sexual nature (soft-core style) involving an ex-girlfriend (not 'M').

My mom walked into the room as I was petting Shaman. I think it was my mom, all that I saw was a silhouette. The silhouette was on one side of Shaman (slightly behind) and then, without moving, it was on the other side of him.

I then woke up screaming.

I wear earplugs at night but my roommate was saying "yo, yo".

I then went back to sleep.

I'll figure that one out later.

12:04 PM
Oh! A few days back I was bitchin' about someone stealing my razor from the locked closet. I was confused as to why they would steal my razor and not my smokes that were in there. Well, there was a plastic bag in my container that had the razor in it. So, apparently I'm quick to judge. I gotta work on that.

I wear earplugs at night to drown out my roommate's snoring. Its kinda cool. I think I'll look into 'sensory deprivation' techniques. I'm curious as to whether the earplugs contribute to the vivid nature of my dreams. Not only are my dreams so real in nature, I remember them clearly for hours.

7:00 PM
I'm feeling pretty emotional right now. I'm dwelling in my head about 'M'. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. Fuck, I wish I knew what was going on inside mine.

I love her and always will. I'll always feel the positive and negative impact that she has made on my heart. I still have hope for us but I really shouldn't be thinking of an 'us'. There can be no 'us' without a 'me' concerning a relationship with anyone.

I'm confused. I have always had a VERY clear vision of her and I together. So clear. It just felt so right. Is it that I am so idealistic? Is it that I am emotionally young/stunted? Is it that the drugs fogged my 'clear' vision into a horrible fallacy? Or is it that she simply had no faith in me, her, us?

I can't be dwelling on this but perhaps writing about it will purge these thoughts so I can focus on me.

Fuck, we never explored options to keep us together. An unbiased, third-party perspective in the form of couples counseling?

This will hurt for a long time. As time progresses it will hurt less but I feel it will ALWAYS hurt in some form.

Why am I so fucking sensitive?

9:45 PM
KILLER FUCKING MEETING!!!

they allowed us to go to a meeting in The Commons tonight. Its run by addicts from outside the facility. A home group member from this meeting was celebrating his 25th year anniversary of being clean. He remembered me from when I used to go to meetings in this area. I didn't approach him. I was just sitting in my chair and he kept looking over at me and nodding his head in recognition. I couldn't believe he remembered me after all this time! Of course I remembered him. He is one of the passionate, knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt addicts that carries a powerful message.

It was before the meeting so I jumped up and got a killer hug and shot the shit with him for a bit. I turned around and there was ANOTHER familiar face from way back when. Then another, and another, and another. I don't know how many but there were a lot of faces that I have been missing for a long time.

I was thinking of them when I was in Colorado and I was thinking of them when I came back to Pennsylvania. They were genuinely happy and excited to see me.

After the message was shared, I raised my hand to share. I told them how grateful and happy that they were there.

I shared that one of my goals that I had for my time in rehab was to cry in front of someone. I told them (as I started to get choked up) that it was starting to happen.

I cried in front of 80 people tonight. It felt good but was uncomfortable at the same time.

There's hope for me. All the petty shit I've been complaining about so far means nothing. I CAN get better. I CAN do this. I CAN get a life worth living.

It won't happen over night but it WILL happen.

slushy: what do you want to be when you grow up?

slushy's daughter: you

:D

no words can describe the amount of happiness that brought into my person