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I had to go get my scripts at the doctor today and the office is in a real ghettoish part of town and has more people going to that pharmacy in that building to pick up there methadone then anywhere else ive seen. While i was smoking and waiting outside for my turn to see the doc to come up i got talking to a few people who where addicts outside. One was a guy and his girl who where both on methadone and the woman was also on methylphenidate and she was waiting for her script. I don't know why but even amoung adults methylphenidate is really popular here even moreso then dexedrine. Way more prevelant then dexies thats for sure. Guess all the cokeheads here love em when they arent doin blow.

While i was talking to them the old what are you on and such and such a thing came up as it always does in these situations. I told her i was on morphine and she said that she never takes morphine anymore since her friend died from complications of shooting the stuff up. She showed me her arms from shooting morphine, oxy, dillys, coke, whatever and man where they bad. Track marks all over them and reminents of many infections. I felt really bad for her because her and her b/f actually seemed really cool and it kinda guts me to see people that seem so nice to be in such bad situations. I have seen bad marks from using before but this took the cake.

It made me really really glad that i never picked up the needle. Well not quite true i did almost shoot up some dilaudid but in a last minute flash of sanity i squirted it into a glass and drank it instead since i saw nothing but misery coming out of hitting the needle. I think god that my self preservation kicked in when i was at a real low last spring and was about to shoot up but didnt.

I still overuse my prescription to get high but i have to admit i have gotten back alot of the self control i had lost over the years to the stuff. During this past month sans one bad patch my use above medical levels has gone way down. I don't think it's a coincidence that my use has gone down when my life has changed alot for the better and i have alot to look foreward to in the near future. I think alot of the problem all along was just the feeling of hopelessness i had about my situation in life. I almost had myself convinced that i was never going to get out of here but that changed in the matter of less then 24 hours.

Life is a motherfucking trip that's for sure if nothing else. I never went from such despair to such happiness in the span of less then a day then i did a few weeks back. I didnt even think it was possible for fuck sakes. Complete despair to happier ive been since i can remember in such a short amount of time and im still happy.

I just started typing on a nice dose of morphine, dimenhydrinate, gabapentin and clonazepam and i typed all that up without even thinking. So it's just ramblings from a drug addeled brain . Oh well i figured i had to put something new in my blog sometime soon lol.

I'm flying from Heathrow to Bangkok via Mumbai on Wednesday morning. I'm excited for the first time in months by this and have been running around like a new man sorting out vaccinations, visa's, gear and clothing for the past few days.

My itinerary is fairly vague but I get to Bangkok on Thursday at 7am local time and my plan is to buy malaria tablets and get on the first bus for the Cambodian border and get a share taxi from there to Siam Reap where I shall treat myself to my first beer since the end of April as a nightcap and sleep off jet-lag.

After that it's on to Phnom Penh followed by Vietnam and the Mekong Delta for a week or so and then crossing into Laos for the last week or ten days before I make my way back to Bangkok and back to London.

It's the wet season, so hopefully there won't be hordes of tourists about.

Wish me luck:D

i havent wrote shit forever.

i didnt even know the journal wasn't active anymore. its been since 2007. god dam.

anyways, life is way different now. im in 3rd year university. still doing my thing, still pushing it to the limit.

however right now im just chilled, got 3 tall boys of heineken in me. thats like..what, 4 and 1/2 normal heineken bottles? fuck yea.

shit is alright, other than my boy being in jail for a year. fuck that blows. 2 more might go within the next couple of months..gay.

shit happens i guess. glad im where i am..

I'll most likely be using this blog just to get things off my mind. So excuse the randomness of the posts

So Part I deals with my love life. I've been single for 7 years and during that period I've had a love-hate relationship with the idea of being eternally single. I know that sounds morbid or something, but I guess after you go on dates and realise that it's just nut jobs out there in the dating world, you come to think that maybe your efforts are best spent making your life as awesome as you can and not worrying about this thing called 'love'.

Anyway, recently I just decided that life was going awesome. I have a routine which I enjoy and I have been looking forward to what the future was to bring, in all its guises. And then I met someone.

I use 'met' in a loose sense. I saw him post a comment to a friend's status on facebook. I thought he was cute, I poked him, and he messaged me saying how all the good ones are always in another state. We were messaging each other, and then finally we started chatting on the chat function. We were getting on well. Turns out I am due to be in his area in a month or so, so we decided to get together and have a drink or something. And then I thought, stuff it. So I asked him out to lunch that weekend. I offered to fly to visit him. We chatted on the phone a bit, then both of us had to go, but made a time to chat later that night.

So we did. On the phone for 3 hours. I bought a plane ticket then and there, to come visit him on the weekend and stay the night. And I did. I flew up to meet him and we had lunch and we drank....and drank....and drank haha. We got on so well. And then the time came for me to come home, and reality set in.

So it's been two days since then and I cant stop thinking about him. He says the same about me. Im trying not to jump ahead too much but Ive been thinking about what will happen if this gets serious. Would I move to be with him? Would he move to be with me? Why am I even thinking about this when Ive known him a week? I guess my mind needs to protect my heart - dont get involved in something that wont work out.

What hasnt helped is that last week, we were SMSing several times a day and talking on the phone. Since Ive returned home, he's been busy at work and hasn't been as communicative. And Im trying my hardest to not SMS him 400 times a day!

I asked a few people at work about long distance relationships. They can work, if you work at it. The consensus seems to be just go with the flow and see what happens. Which will mean both of us traveling to visit each other; which isnt a bad thing. It's not all that expensive to fly interstate (thankfully). I guess it needs to come from both sides, and that's what Im worried about. Maybe Im in lust and Im not thinking straight. Maybe Im loving the idea of possibly being in love down the track.

Anyway, I needed to get all this out of my head so I dont go bonkers. I know if I were on the outside looking in I would be telling myself to just go with the flow, take it a day at a time, dont get ahead of yourself. So Im going to try and do exactly that :D

Well, I've been feeling pretty good lately, for the most part. I still feel like I've dropped one or two levels of reality after quitting tramadol, but I'm sure it'll get easier with time.

The irony, though, is that I have some kind of serious back issue now, and I might need to be put on medication! Good lord. I've been taking Soma here and there, and it seems to help, but it makes me too sleepy. It metabolizes partly into freakin' meprobamate, that old school fifties type sleep aid. That's exactly what I want to be on when I'm taking a Bio test. Yep.

But more or less, I feel a lot better.

I've realized what I hate about tramadol the most. It's not the withdrawals that I would get every morning--that was remedied by the simultaneous thought of knowing you've just taken your morning dose and you'll be perfect in a half hour. It wasn't the mild tremors in my hands, nor the near-chronic low-level nausea. It was the fact that my sense of right and wrong was made so nebulous. I mean, how could what I was doing be wrong if I felt so good? My ethical center was out of wack the whole time, and I never even noticed it until, in retrospect, I really sat down and thought about it. Man...

Autumn

Colour melts the waving trees
I'm pushing out my icy breath
And down snow leaves of red and gold -
A different take on our friend death.

(^^By Me^^)

I am beginning to mourn the summertime now, as tomorrow college starts for me and I will no longer have the freedom I have enjoyed for the past 4 and a half months. Imagine that! 4 and a half months off, having fun, smoking weed, going to raves and brilliant festivals with my best friends! And then, suddenly - BANG! - College

But it will be great I suppose. I'll have a few hundred new people to meet, new friends to make, new connections. Ahead of me - so much learning and fun. Behind me.... the best summer I have ever had! AMAZING! But there'll be more to come... like... next year!
I just had to get that out. Peace

Good luck and love to all of you who need it, whether you're going through hard times or not. And if you're sitting there reading this thinking 'nahh... she doesn't mean me', you are wrong and I sincerely do, whoever you are. Luck and love.

High guys...
Although I've been hooked on BL for a couple of months now, this is my first blog entry. Well what do you want me to say? My life is so incredibly up and down at the moment, I can spring from ultimate euphoria to total misery in a matter of seconds.
This is due to my manic depressive mother, who is suffering at the moment - the recent death of her mother (my grandmother) is proving impossible for her to cope with. She has never been any good at dealing with stress or any other sort of emotion, and although I do my best to understand this it can certainly be trying when she takes it all out on me, which she does, every day.
But there you go - my personal life is excellent despite this. I have some special new friends who I absolutely ADORE. And of course, the copious amounts of maryjane I've been consuming have been helping a lot.
So I guess I just wanted to vent everything then, and get a bit of this confusion out of my system - the fact my life is both crashing down around me and also turning into something spectacular as I head into actual adulthood and realising my childhood has now slipped away.
Have a nice day, thanks for bothering with my vent. Oh what wouldn't a girl like me (although there admittedly aren't many) do right now to get her hands on some proper MDMA?
PEACE

Yeah, I fuck with myself.

I went to my first aftercare appointment today since my discharge from rehab. It was merely an evaluation and 'fill out paperwork' session.

I was told afterword that there is a waiting list for the Intensive Out-Patient (IOP) that I have qualified for. It could be well over a month before I can get in.

I was disappointed. I need help with this thing I'm tryin' to do and was looking forward to getting to the deep shit of my mind and emotions.

I had a case of the 'poor me' syndrome. I didn't get any therapeutic assistance from the dual-diagnosis unit I was placed in at rehab but figured it would be ok once I got into IOP.

Doesn't look like it'll happen so I need to bulldog through this on my own. Problem is that I'm not strong enough to bulldog yet.

I was close to using today. Very close. Instead I picked up another addict and we went to a meeting.

I was going to say 'fuck NA' and justify doing this on my own in true bulldog style but, once again, I'm not able to do this on my own.

It looks like self-sabotage is coming into the picture. I'm getting in my own way by thinking too much, by trying to 'rescue' others, by lying to myself, by being a coward.

I shared what was going on with me and feel much better. NA is my only hope right now. People in those rooms genuinely care about my well being. The ones who still exhibit manipulative, dope fiend behaviors are learning to stay the fuck away from me.

This shit is hard and I knew it would be (especially in the beginning).

It'll get easier. I just need to remember that new things are uncomfortable but 'new' is never long lasting.

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devilz advocate247 26-10-2005 04:44
spittin some frustrations



Time bomb

It was bros before hoes
till I met this trick.
Not thinking with my head,
but thinking with my dick.
I lost sight of whats important,
but Im getting it back.
Sooner or later shes gonna make me crack.
Then Ill hate myself,
for my past decisions,
but Ill thank myself,
for my enlightened vision.

Its only a matter of time,
Im like a time bomb tickin.
Cant take the drama,
or the constant bitchin.

Tick, Tick, Boom.
My bomb exploded.
You were a waste of my time,
and a friendship thats corroded.
Now its hoes before bros,
thanks a lot bitch.
Everything was fine,
till you fucked up shit.

devilz advocate247 26-10-2005 04:45



Crazy Bitches

Yo, yo. These crazy bitches
Playin games with my head to get in my britches
Make me feel like a million dollars,
but shit at the same time.
Slobbin on my cock, and confusing my mind.
First you love me. Then you hate me.
Make up your mind bitch,
your driving me crazy.

Yo, yo. These crazy bitches.
Callin me names, but then givin me kisses.
Shortly after that, you scream, like my evil cat hisses.
Im done with the games
done with the bull shit.
This is me baby, like it or love it.
Youre welcome to leave,
you dont have to stay.
But youll get what you want,
you always get your way.

These crazy bitches drivin me up the wall,
it feels like I was at the top of a ladder
and you made me fall.
You hurt me bad.
You made me sad.
All this complaining bitch,
its just making me mad.

Drowning in self pity
while im drowning in self hate.
It seemed clear at first,
but now I cant see our fate.
Whats to come? Whats ahead?
Your a crazy bitch,
just shoot me.
Make me dead.

My good friend turned me on to this site a few years ago and today I come back to pay my respects to him in a forum where he fit in. You see, he died of a heroin overdose on September 2nd, 2009. I helped his Mother and his sister lay him to rest this past Wednesday at the ripe old age of 21 years old. He hadn't even started living his life yet and now he will never get to.
You see, we are all taught the horrors of what can happen from using drugs but at that age we think we're invincible, its our nature. And than add to that the quality of the kind of person that enters this type of world. Risk takers, living our lives on the edge in search of the eternal rush.
Randy, I know you never meant it to happen and dammit, if I could have been closer to you it never would have.
You see, this is one of the things I was always trying to impart to you, keep people around you that you can trust with your life. It was the foundation of our friendship. I knew you were the kind of man that would have my back no matter what came along because I seen a kindred spirit.
In some ways I feel like I may have let you down cuz you were always wanting me to come down but you knew the deal. Now I wish I would have but it is a moot point now.
You remain my friend even in death because those walls don't separate people like us.
You stick close to Mama and sis cuz they are grieving terribly, I didn't want to come home when I did because I knew how they were feeling and even though I can't do anything to comfort them I was trying to at least let them lean on me when they needed to.
I love your family like my own, just like I've told you, I love you bro and I would trade you if I could just so you could experience more of life.
To people who read this little blurb I want you to know I lost a friend who anyone would like to have close to them because he brought joy to those who knew and loved him.
Don't judge people like my friend and I because we walk outside of the societal norms and choose to live our lives on the edge, most of the one's I know would lay down their lives to save you because you never know when your day may be the last one.
I love you Randall and I will see you again and I pay you my respect by honoring who you were while you walked where I am yet.

I posted this in SLR but would like for it to be here too so I have quick access to it when I need it.

Hey you,

You know how you're feeling right now? Don't let it get away. You're more broke than you've ever been before and have no friends nearby, but you still feel on top of the world and know that things are getting better. You have a plan that you're going to stick to.

It might not seem like it but you've achieved a lot over the past few months. Your relationship with your parents is better than it's ever been and you're getting yourself back in school after years of avoiding it. You've even joined a gym!

Keep working on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Remember that you're number one. You've tried to please people instead of yourself for your entire life and look where it got you, nowhere and without appreciation from those people.

Please stay in this mindset and do whatever you can to make yourself better. You're on your way and there's still a long ways to go, but you can do this and will come out extremely strong.

I love you,



Kerry

deleted

___
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devilz advocate247 20-01-2006 06:46


Christmas On Acid

*This is my first trip report. I tried*
So a buddy of mine came back from the army for Christmas break. This guy and I are like brothers, so I was thrilled to see him again. He received a $4,000 signing bonus, and wanted to spend the money as fast as he got it. Fine by me. So I lined up a bunch of drugs that I knew he would be wanting. Exctasy, Coke, Shrooms, and Acid to be exact. Well we both chipped in on a half vile of liquid L (50 drops). This was the eve of Christmas eve if you will. We bought a box of sugar cubes, and started dripping away. The temptation to drop a few on my tounge was huge, but I refrained... For now.
The next night (Christmas Eve) I was just sitting at home visiting with my family. My sister was back in town, and I was so happy. Everyone was drinking, catching up, and just having a great time. Every now and again, my mind would walk upstairs to where my 25 hits of acid were hidden. I fought the temptation for about 2 hours until I finally caved in. I went into my room, peeled off two hits, and popped them in my mouth. I had such a positive mindset that night, I just couldnt justify NOT taking some acid.
So I went downstairs, and told my big sis what I had done. She laughed and said she wasnt surprised. 30 min later I was having a beer talking to my family when I realized what I had done. I started to get a little paranoid considering I was soon to be spun off my ass in front of my family. Luckily my sister calmed me down.
My mother was talking to me about what I hoped to get for Christmas. I thought I understood what she was saying, until I responded by saying what I had gotten her. She gave me a weird confused look, and I didnt know what to say. I knew I had messed up, but at the same time I didnt know if she was mixing things up, or I was. I walked away and got another beer. I wanted to go online for a little while to try and gather myself a little bit. Well I realized that this wasnt going to happen because I couldnt figure out how to turn my computer on. At this point I was getting a little frustrated, so I went to play with my cat. Nothing is more trippy to me than an animal while dosing. I lied down with my cat and pet it for appx. 10-20 min. During this time my cat winked at me more than once, and also changed colors. One second it would have the features of one cat, but the next second it would be completely different. It still looked like a cat, just not the same one. The face was different, the fur patterns were different, and the colors were different. I found this very amusing, and started to laugh uncontrollably.
About an hour and a half into the trip, I decided it would be a good idea to socialize with my family some more. Obviously this was not a good idea, but luckily everyone was drunk by then. I talked with my sister for a while, and came to the conclusion that the entire universe revolved around a little mexican restaurant called Burrito Bueno. It made perfect sense to me, and I explained it in detail to my sister. Unfortunately I cannot remember my reasoning for such a ridiculous theory.
So after watching my mom blend into the brick wall behind her for a while, she decided it would be a good idea to celebrate Christmas that night, instead of waiting till the morning. My sister tried to talk my mom out of it, being fully aware of my condition, but my mom was persistent. All I could think at that point was, "Wow. Christmas on Acid". So we all gathered in the living room, and I became overwhelmed with feelings of love and happiness. I felt as if I were in love with my family, and nothing would ever separate us. I just wanted to stand up and hug everyone, and tell them all how much I really love them. I was extremely grateful after opening each present, even though I didnt know what some of them were until the next morning. Then I started to pass out my presents...I gave my sisters present to my stepdad, my moms present to my sister, and I started opening my moms gift to her, thinking it was mine. My sister realized what I was doing and just burst out laughing. After a moment, I figured out why she was laughing, and felt extremely dumb. This feeling of stupidity was quickly followed by feelings of paranoia. How am I going to explain this one? what can I possibly say to rebound this? well I eventually convinced my mom that I was just drunk. Luckily it worked.
After opening gifts, I decided it would be a good idea to seclude myself from my family, before they became any more suspicious. For the rest of the night I lied in bed, thinking about how much love I was surrounded by, and how lucky I really am. Never did I think I would celebrate Christmas after eating some Acid, but Im sort of glad I did. In a way this trip helped me realize how great my family is, and how thankful I should be. Probably the most enlightening trip yet. This year was indeed, a very merry christmas.

youre with him now, right now.
and it kills me inside

how much longer can i wait?
how much longer of this bullshit hope and disappointment can i suffer through?

how long until i hate you to move on?

i dont want to hate you, i dont see any other way.

you'll always wear a halo in my eyes

I just made $80 Friday and only have $20 left, it's like I'm consistently broke. I don't even make enough money to pay my car insurance / phone bill. The only reason I have enough to pay them at the moment is that I’m getting child support checks for the first time in years, let’s just hope that they suddenly don’t stop coming like they are famous for. Typically I have to dip into my cash every week or so to fill my gas tank and this week my tank happened to be completely empty so that was around $35 to fill up leaving me with $45 to work with. In addition to that another $20 had to go towards my pitch for the camping trip I went on this weekend (tell you more about it in another post) for food and drinks. So once again I feel up against the wall with my spending and it wasn’t even on anything I should feel guilty over except I can’t help but feel that way when I find myself hinting to my mom I’m broke again.

You know, this situation wouldn’t even exist on the level it does if I just had a job…too bad that’s nothing more than a distant dream at the moment. Shit it’s been a dream since 2007 and guess what? That doesn’t seem like it’s going to change into reality anytime soon.

As of recently I’ve been trying to get hired at King Soopers here by my house because I have a cousin who works there and he told me they are in need of help and lost a lot of people. Funny thing is that I keep getting turned away like they don’t need any. My cousin told the lady who helped him get his job to pull my application…did she? I’m sure she didn’t by how she acted when I finally got a hold of her after going to the store three different times (every other time I went she wasn’t working) so I could “follow up on my application” with her. Then after all that I went through to specifically talk to her she didn’t even really help, all she did was say she would give the message to their hiring manager and would have him call me, but she specifically said not to call them, figures. I did call anyway and left a voicemail…still no call back. I am going to try again tomorrow, but I feel like I’m beating a dead horse at this point.

What gets me is that I applied at that store and two other ones before my cousin ever worked there and all he had to do was put in his application and they called him. He didn’t have to go through this hassle of calling and bullshit like me. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just have a little bit of luck? I’m going to try for this other job my stepdad and mom sent me the link to, it’s something with construction but you have to take classes and go through this long process before you even get the job…but shit…I’ll take anything at this point no matter what the process is.

4:35 PM
I was discharged today!

Since I'm writing so late, details will be a lot less than usual.

Last night, the cute girl and I ended up making out. It was nice! She enjoys rough sex, passion and pain as well. She didn't care if anyone in our unit saw our public displays of affection (hand holding, caresses, gentle nudges, etc.). We didn't make out in front of anyone though. That would have lacked class.

She's a good kisser.

We were passing notes back and forth through the night like elementary school kids. It was cool. Our notes/letters weren't smutty but did have a decent amount of sexual innuendo with a spattering of smut (I admit).

The plan is that she will call me on her discharge date (to be determined), I'll pick her up, take her to my house, have sex and then drive her home. We'll see if this happens.

She walked me out this morning and we were all over each other. A nurse came out and bitched her out saying that that was "very inappropriate!'. I was laughing.

My mom picked me up from the facility and took me to my car so I could pick up Shaman. I was really excited to see my boy!

I drove to the pizza shop first to see everyone and to make myself a sandwich. The owner/friend of mine said he could give me hours. That works for me.

I picked up Shaman and we went home and played a little, snuggled a little and just spent time together.

I wish I could provide some sort of awesome ending to this particular Blog category but, sorry, I'm anxious to start transcribing my entries to BL so...

so i just got back from my gas station job. i had just closed up the store and while walking to my car i saw a car at a pump (all the lights were off at the station). i walked up to the car and said "what are you doing?"

the conversation consisted of me explaining to him that its illegal in new jersey to pump your own gas and that if he started a fire there would be liability issues and him replying with loud obnoxious shit.

his excuse was that he was about to run out of gas and that in massachusetts your aloud to pump your own gas after they're closed...

he then started to get loud and i started to be a dick. he said that he was about to run out of gas and it was "either get gas or have to push the car"
i replied with "thats really not my problem"
for some reason i took it personally that he was such a dick

it pissed me off that he was so far of his element, pulling into an emtpy dark gas station on a dark ass road; hundreds of miles away from his home state nonetheless.

the conversation ended with him saying some stupid shit like "sometimes you gotta break the rules".

They say u cant run forever, and the shit hits the fan eventually. aint no way around it, over it, under it or behind it, it all ends the same way if you aint ready to stop it before it gets there. jails institutions and death sounds like exaggeration, like they forgot to tell about the one exception that is you in the theory there. but there aint no "jails institutions and death and doing good chipping and not gettin caught and not gettin addicted again" come on now be real. the last meeting i went to the topic i randomly pulled was Denial. I talked about my game, my big ol secret that nobody noticing, perfectly played but how i aint no dummy...i know its bound to stop sooner or later. you get chances and you fuck em up and eventually the chances stop comin and you staring down a long ass hallway with some metal gates clatterin shut behind you and a pair of green scrubs in a ball under your arm.

How I knew that i aint sure. how time always seems to place the signs right in front of me, talkin thru me, speakin the truth, the future from my own mind, sometimes you know more than you know.

and so i cant take the credit for havin a pure intention, but the results the same, diesel, Damn. I loved you. this is it , boo, but really this time, really, rain or shine. Aint even no choice, no chance. Its Done, completely, finished, over....I got VOP papers on file, ready to get released to the judge ready to send me to go be with my cousin in nj state prison for women if I dont do wat i need to get done now. and thats get clean for real this time. Shit coulda been different, I coulda did it better n smarter but you never know how blinded you are by your rationalized addiction til its too late.

thru all this time, everything changed , i stayed the same. that got to be different, i got to keep it movin. but stay here in my heart, theres always a part for you. I cant stay like this but ill never be far from you, all that i learned n the stripes that i earned with you...Ill never forget the times we spent how much it meant or how low I went....and i aint gonna forget all that i loved about you, but i got to be strong now without you.

As I looked back at my first blog entry, I am saddened by how little I have accomplished. I wanted to use this place a journal for my thoughts while I detoxed...

Well not only have I not detoxed, but I have fallen further into the pit of addiction. I am now back home, living with my parents. Living with my 2 kind, loving parents - and shooting dope in my room. God I disgust myself sometimes. Shooting heroin in the very room they provide for me, I am a fucking animal. Conditioned to respond to nothing but money and dope. Dope and money. This shit IS vicious. The sad thing is I still want off this god-forsaken ride, i'm just not sure how to start. Do I come clean with my parents and tell them everything, in turn breaking their hearts and possibly getting booted from my safehaven (home)? Or do I go it alone, attempting one of my many home detoxes, suffering alone and in silence? The veil is wearing thin... Somethings gotta give. Somethings gotta give soon. I hate myself right now, and all I can think of is waking up tomorrow to drive 1.5 hours away to cop.

I disgust myself.

It's been three days sober...other then weed, but even at that last night it got to the point where no matter how much I smoked I couldn't get high(er). I'm considering getting a bottle upstairs and slamming it even though it's only 11:00 A.M. However I don't even really care for the feeling of being drunk...I tend to get mean anyway. Really...I just want a few shots of dope...I just want that bliss...those few moments where I can't talk, I can't move, I'm completely spun...

I am supposed to spend the weekend with my mother because my stepfather left hunting. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy but you know how there are just those people you don't "click with" well that happens to pretty much be our relationship. The one main thing that really ruined what good our relationship had was when he kicked me out of the house after breaking into my computer and finding this info on cooking crystal meth. Really he has no reason to be going through my computer. I mean...shit he could go through my room...but my computer? Come on.

Anyway I popped 250mg of Tramadol, 20mg of Valium, and scraped the heroin out of my cooker and got a fairly good shot a little bit ago and I'm feeling great right now. Nam was real nice to give me a new kit with water, alcohol prep pads, tourniquet, one hitter kits, new rigs, and the whole setup so I can finally start injecting the proper way because I fucking lost my old kit. I hate to cut this short but I really feel like relaxing and enjoying the high I got going on.

New plan. Write a shitload of poems and see how many stick. I've got nothing on the line, so nothing good can come of nothing. Gotta do something. Gotta put myself on the line. Gotta string myself out, dance on the blades. No progress comes after one perfects nothing. I have to breed something, create what is from what was. The lead and tree fiber have to sing, cry, bleed. They have to tell the stories of joy, the dirges of torture, the swan song of a new beginning. I need to hone my craft by putting it out there, drop the ball. This pang to make others laugh, cry...I need to unleash the powers to resurrect and to end life...but I can't destroy what I can't touch. And I won't reap what isn't sown.

...I think I was a kinder, gentler person when I was using.

I feel like an asshole 'tough guy'.

I feel like people in the rooms of NA like me but the ones that hang out with me, who are getting to know me better, see a 'me' that I'm unfamiliar with.

All I need to do is not use and perhaps I'll become a better person.

I took 5mg methadone about 2 hours agoand then I didn't feel anything so I took another 5mg. Now I'm starting to feel it. I hope I didn't add the other prematurely, as I have a tolerance built up but only to about 20mg MSO4 iv daily on aveerage. Any feedback?

7:55 AM
I couldn't sleep for shit last night. My one roommate has sleep apnea and, as I tossed and turned, I looked up and saw him sleeping standing up. I've never seen that before. He stands about 6'3" and he was facing the door to our room about two feet from my head. It was too creepy.

I went out on the deck to smoke and, after a bit, the cute chick I was talking about came out to smoke. We made small talk and I asked if I made her uncomfortable yesterday when I told her I was attracted to her. She said "no", she felt a little weird but "that's to be expected".

I forgot to mention that when she came out she sat two chairs away.

This morning I told this dude that I gave/sold a pack of cigarettes to for $5 on the front to start borrowing money. He keeps telling me he's waiting on a check. I find this unlikely. He is wearing clothes donated by various organizations and has been in institutions most of his life.

Maybe ten minutes later he came up to me with a $5 bill. I told him to walk with me.

As we walked I told him to take the money back and I would walk with him to the person who lent it to him. I said, "Give the money back to him and say 'thank you'".

He asked why and I told him that it wasn't about the money. I said I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. I also told him that if he hadn't paid me back then he was essentially calling me a pussy.

He was very grateful.

We/he has all day to find the guy and if he does give the five dollars back to the dude I'm going to give him a pack of smokes if he follows through.

Oh, what REALLY sucks about this morning is that I dropped my toothbrush on the nasty floor after brushing my teeth. Looks like my breath is gonna be STINKIN' today and tomorrow morning.

10:45 AM
I am in a FOUL mood today. I'm angry for no reason and I'm spending entirely too much time in my head.

I walked out of our psycho-ed class. Its topic was "Crisis Management" but this particular counselor is extremely into herself and the topic wasn't adhered to.

Right now, at this point in time, I'm not ready to leave here. You can fuckin' bet that I will be rolling out at 9:45 tomorrow morning but I'm concerned that I won't jump on the things I need to do.

I have no friends right now and I have a big problem with isolation. Isolation and not going to meetings were big contributing factors to both my relapses.

I need to make friends in recovery. I'll definitely be calling my old roommate and hang with him but calling complete strangers that give out phone numbers is hard for me.

I gotta call Gaudenzia and see if they have an after-care program lined up for me. I know they have group therapy sessions but am unsure if they have me scheduled for them.

I've exercised to lose this shitty attitude I have but it didn't help. I think I'll take a nap either now or after lunch.

I hate this fuckin' place. The Clinical Assistants (CAs) care about us getting better but the program they are forced to follow, that has been laid out by some corporate entity, is complacent and ambivalent.

I feel bad for them.

2:10 PM
I'm in a MUCH better mood now.

There is one group therapy session that I actually get something from. I was sitting in the room waiting for it to begin and my roommate came in and said I needed to see the shrink for my psych evaluation that is necessary prior to discharge. I was PISSED. This mother fucker had already interrupted a 12 Step meeting that I needed and now he was interfering with my therapy. I said, "Fuck that" and stayed in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said I needed to see the shrink and it would only take a few minutes. It took a half hour because he had other people to see.

When I got back to group they had a few people discuss their issues and then folks had the option to 'recognize' those who were leaving.

A few people said some things but my therapist said the most important. She said she has no question that I'll do well in recovery. She says I'm assertive and chase after it. She mentioned that she feels I have trouble accepting the mental health aspect of myself. She believes pride is stopping me from accepting the mental health issues I have. She's correct but I'm still not taking any fucking pills. Her perspective is that this pride will eventually lead to relapse.

She is correct again.