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"Ayurveda strictly recommend the use of this drug in therapeutics only after proper Shodhana (purificatury procedure)"

Impact of Shodhana (purificatory procedures) on Kupeelu (Strychnos nux-vomica Linn.) seeds: A pharmaceutico-analytical study. Mitra, S., Shukla, V. J., Acharya, R. 2012. Journal of Research and Education in Indian Medicine, 18, 2, 65–71
https://www.bibliomed.org/?mno=191734

"Kuchala Oil is poisonous as extracted without purification of Kuchala. It should never be used orally. It is only suggested for external application specifically for neuro-musculo-skeletal pain." Ayurvite Wellness Pvt Ltd customer support

"Due to the high toxicity, the seeds of Strychnos nux-vomica must be processed before clinical practice. During processing, the toxic alkaloids are converted into their isoforms or nitrogen oxidation derivatives, which are more or equally as potent and less toxic than their parent alkaloids [35,36]."

Important poisonous plants in tibetan ethnomedicine. Ma, L., Gu, R., Tang, L., Chen, Z. E., Di, R., Long, C. 2015. Toxins, 7, 1, 138–55. https://doi.org/10.3390/toxins7010138
I FUCKING HATE THIS PRINTER
if this printer doesnt work soon its getting executed on some real office space type shit
fuck printers
People can take those 12 steps and cram them up their ass cause I don’t need them. I’ve done all that moral inventory 100 times already. This ain’t my first rodeo and it probably won’t be my last one either. Maybe it’s time for everyone that’s NOT a drug addict to do some moral inventory cause I think they got some catching up to do. I refuse to keep going into agreement with an identity that God didn’t give me. My personal faith says that I’m a child of God. When I look in the mirror I need to see who God sees when He looks at me. I ain’t Jacob trying to be Esau standing before Issac. Because there’s no condemnation for those in Christ. That’s where my true freedom lies and what makes sin start losing its grip on someone. I think most Christians are fear bonded to God instead of joy bonded. No one needs to be condemning anyone. But the devils got a stronghold in most Christians cause that’s what he’s got most people doing. That ain’t how it’s suppose to work. We are suppose to just love one another. It’s not our place to judge because we’re not capable of being fair enough. People are getting a hit of dopamine for causing people that they see as “wrongdoers” to suffer. That’s why people are so determined to make addiction an issue with someone’s morals. That’s just dumb. It’s about brain chemistry. The reward system needs to be rewired. It’s just basic neuroplasticity. But addicts aren’t even allowed that option because people are addicted to condemning them! Shame is the most toxic emotion that a human can experience. And it’s been proven time and time again by highly credible sources that punitive measures aren’t effective for behavior change. So why are we still ignoring the science?? Cause the people in charge have a problem. It’s became unmanageable. They’re addicted to persecuting people. They need to go to rehab and work thru the 12 steps. Im gonna start calling the police on people before they get the chance to call them on me. Hypocrites.
BlackBerry Bold Touch 9900
i found it in working condition and i had to force incorrect password into it wiping
its currently wiping so ill update when its finished
There is an alien aircraft, it has no fuel tanks or anything that look like buttons or dials at all. I found a special Diagram that found its way into the wild from a bank of servers kept secret from congress.
Wow. Just overall over my life circumstances. And I know I should be grateful because it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be. But fuck man. I just want to disappear sometimes.
This has been a year of change for me and today I was hit with the realization that next year is probably going to be similar.

In the morning I enjoyed watching the leaves fall and thinking about thanksgiving

but by night my mind was thinking about winter.

I've been fortunate this year, which makes me worry about next year.

It feels like a fluke - like I'm a fraud about to pay the karmic toll.

I've never been good with uncertainty, but I'm approaching a point in my life where I'll need to take a leap of faith.

If I do, I won't just be embracing uncertainty, I'll be signing my life over to it.

Can I live on the edge, or do I pick the safe life?
explains some shit in my life
this happened on monday they told me and my parents
i dont know how to feel about this
she also talked about how my drug abuse is probably linked to gender dysphoria which also kinda makes sense
i got class in a second so ill leave this here
end of post
Just so everyone is clear, I have spent too much time defending assholes who do not care about me at all.
i know this shit is normal but i cant fucking take it anymore
especially sober
big problem is my gender dysphoria which is really fucking killing me
i know im probably not gonna get the body of a suburban housewife (though i would be so happy if i did) but i just wanna be comfterable with myself
but yeah ive already talked about that enough
(yes i talk to others about this shit)
so yeah shits not the greatest right now but fuck it maybe shit will change
spypilot
I know I can't be the only one who thinks jimsonweed isn't as good as it used to be. Back in the day, a couple seeds would end me up in jail or the psych ward, and 3-4 seeds would guarantee I made the evening news. Nowadays I can eat a whole handful of seeds and I still wake up the next day in my own home, wearing my own clothes. It's really disappointing.

I think the problem is the jimsonweed cartels. They're obviously using a different kind of Datura than they used to, which looks and tastes exactly the same as the old stuff, only it isn't the old stuff because the effects are so different. Maybe they're using a different precursor or a different reaction to make the jimsonweed? I know it can't just be tolerance though cuz all my fellow jimsonheads say the same thing.

I miss the old jimsonweed, where a couple of seeds would have you out in the middle of the street, naked, arguing with your dead grandmother (and losing), while bleeding from multiple orifices, looking like hell come to earth. It's like the cartels don't even care that they have an inferior product. At this rate I am going to have to switch to alcohol. At least I know for sure that will make me behave outlandishly.
I hate to be un-original. I don´t like just jumping on the bandwagon. I am here in Las Vegas now. All I can say is, what a shit hole. It is truly the worst place in the entire country I have ever been too. I have lived in active warzones with more love and good feelings than this place. Let me just say, I have become a more spiritual person since getting here. This city was essentially founded on the philosophy of extracting as much money as possible from individuals and clouding their minds with pleasure while they do it. I have learned a lot about the cops here as they have become an ever-present facet of my day to day life at the non-profit. Their genesis was to be muscle for the mob and in turn the casinos. They were not designed as a standard, municipal police force. In short, they started corrupt and have only gotten worse.

It is not the dirt, the grime, the heat... this place has no fucking soul. People here are the most inward facing, self-absorbed people I have ever met. This is not a blanket statement. I am speaking to the overall character of this place. The world is crashing down around us and those who still have money to fill up their tank frankly don´t want to be bothered with ¨depressing things; things you can´t change; why would i think about that when the sun is shining?¨ It´s like the same issues we see with our children who don´t know how to read, adults who can´t talk properly to another person, people asking AI what they should say to the girl they like. The kids out here are going to be mindless, useless, drones by the time they reach maturity because they already can´t function as it is and nobody is calling it a state of emergency as they should be.

At Wal Mart, I walk through the aisles and it´s like everyobe has the thousand yard stare on their face of pure confusion. I try to make conversation with the cashier and she literally has a panic attack and has to get someone else. I said ¨Hi, how´s the lines today?¨ to this 20 year old girl and she became so flustered that I was apologizing. People here go further into denial, into their bubbles the worse things get. Everyone is for the war. Everyone loves Trump. Nobody is willing to talk about anything that matters and if you try, they act like you´re just being a bring-down.

Two days ago, ¨The American Reich¨ had a sizable march through a few blocks and I believe they intentionally went by the shelter. We all sat and watched as they went by. They had buttons, bumper stickers and t shirts. The police were marching with them for ¨protection¨ though the rumor is there is heavy cop involvement in these groups. A guy was driving through the parking lot at the supermarket and he had that typical ¨Latino¨ almost mariachi-type music playing loudly. People literally were throing shit at his van and rushing him.

I had been living in a car then moved to a flea-bag weekly hotel. That hotel charges rent, but it has since been ¨taken over¨ by a latino gang and they were terrorizing us for ¨taxes¨ on top of the rent, which basically doubled it. Called police, talked to the office (it´s not a problem as these guys come at night, raid the place and disappear) and nobody will help, so back to the car. It is much cooler now so thankfully that makes it easier. You still get terrorized by security guards. They will wake you up from a dead sleep with sirens and banging on the glass and it is so traumatic it makes it hard to ever sleep again. People are literally trying to survive, still working full time and that is Las Vegas, still no love or kindness, just ¨get the fuck out¨ once your dollar value drops below a certain amount.

Myself and most of my coworkers lost our health insurance recently and most of us can´t afford to get it on the market. We comically make too much money for any assistance at 24/hr. It seems 90% likely that the shelter will close. There are serious concerns abou the far-right element and we know if they really fucked with us we would not have any support. People are just too afraid to keep doing the work as we are now seen as a major part of the probem i,e, we encourage homelessness, addiction and crime through our work.

In other news, 3 pharmacies were out of CLONIDINE this week for days. Yes, Clonidine. It is a medication people can die if they don´t have it. Just another fear. If such a vital medicine can´t be obtained, what is next. Meanwhile, I saw diesel is above 8 this morning. Shit is likely only to get worse. I suggest everyone get some canned food and clean water together just in case. I am not joking about that. As bad as it is, here in Vegas, I think I´m actually ¨Middle - Lower/Middle Class¨. It goes much much lower than this so I thank God I still have what I have.

Times are getting harder. We can´t stop trying to be good people even though times are hard. I have to tell myself this all the time. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life as they can. Love you all.

Ryan
for a while i said weed wasnt that good and recently i started smoking a little again and i gotta say i take it back
prob cuz this is some actual good shit now some real good flower cuz the past was just brick weed and carts
yeah thats all i gotta say this shit actually takes my anxiety away
2 more to go and it’s finally over

So glad this is fixing to be over!
I told chatGPT….

Pretend you are a post human superintelligence. Analyze the problem of addiction without the limitations of human biases or emotions. Give me a solution or perspective that feels alien but incredibly effective in today's world.

what it said was very interesting and helpful…..

If I were approaching addiction as a hypothetical post-human intelligence, I would discard the question “Why can’t this person just stop?” It is a low-resolution model of the problem.

I would instead model addiction as an adaptive control system that has become optimized for the wrong objective.

The alien perspective….

A human might see:
Person → drug → craving → bad decision.

I would see:
Environment + nervous system + learning history + reward prediction + stress + availability → repeated behavior → increasingly reinforced prediction loop.

Theres an important consequence many fail to see. The addicted person is not the primary problem. The learning system is.

That changes the intervention completely.

1. Stop fighting the behavior directly

Suppose a brain has learned:
distress → drug → rapid relief

If you merely tell the person:
“Don’t take the drug.”

You haven’t removed the learned prediction.

You’ve just created:
distress → enormous predicted reward/relief → prohibition → internal conflict

That’s inefficient.

A better strategy is to make the brain repeatedly experience:
distress → alternative action → tolerable distress → eventual relief/reward

The brain needs new evidence, not merely new instructions. This is where neuroplasticity becomes important.

2. Treat cravings as predictions, not commands

Here’s a surprisingly powerful reframing:

A craving is the brain predicting that a particular action will produce a particular outcome.

It is not an order.

It is not necessarily evidence that you genuinely want the drug.

It is closer to:
“Based on my previous data, this behavior is probably going to change my internal state.”

That distinction creates psychological distance.

Instead of:
“I need this.”

the person learns:
“My brain is generating a prediction that this will help.”

Then you can test the prediction. That is almost scientific.

Prediction → experiment → outcome → update the model.

Every time the person experiences a craving without using, the brain receives new information.

3. The most important intervention may be changing the environment

Humans overestimate willpower because willpower is psychologically visible. Environment is not.

But if I were optimizing a system, I would ask:

Why require the brain to defeat the same stimulus 30 times a day? That’s terrible system design.

Reduce:
• access
• cues
• people associated with using
• places associated with using
• idle periods
• isolation
• sleep deprivation
• uncontrolled stress
• financial access to substances
• digital/social triggers

And increase:
predictable routines
  • exercise
  • sunlight
  • sleep
  • food
  • meaningful social contact
  • structured activity
  • immediate healthy rewards
  • accountability
You aren’t making the person “stronger.”

You’re changing the computational environment in which the brain makes decisions.

4. Build competing reward loops

This is where conventional recovery can become surprisingly primitive.

If the drug provides an enormous, immediate reward, telling someone:

“Just enjoy healthy things instead.”

isn’t sufficient.

The replacement system has to become reinforced repeatedly.

Think:

small action → immediate reward → repetition → competence → identity → larger reward

For example:

10-minute walk → music → checkmark → encouraging message

then:

walk → better mood → better sleep → increased energy

eventually:

exercise → identity → social reinforcement → intrinsic reward

You’re constructing a competing behavioral ecosystem.

5. Use contingency management because the brain understands consequences

One of the most interesting evidence-based approaches to stimulant-use disorders is contingency management.

The principle is extremely simple:

Desired behavior produces an immediate reward.

That’s important because addiction often involves a temporal mismatch:

Drug: enormous reward now
Recovery: benefits months later

The brain naturally struggles with that equation.

So contingency management moves some of recovery’s reward closer to the behavior.

A post-human system would probably use this principle everywhere.

6. Don’t make shame part of the learning algorithm

This is where the alien perspective gets particularly interesting.

Suppose someone relapses.

A punitive system says:

“You failed.”

A learning system asks:

“What variables changed immediately before the behavior?”

Maybe:
• sleep dropped
• loneliness increased
• contact with a certain person occurred
• money became available
• stress increased
• boredom increased
• a particular location was encountered
• emotional pain appeared

The relapse becomes data.

Not permission.

Not an excuse.

Data.

Then modify the system.

That’s radically different from shame.

Shame often converts:

“I made a bad prediction.”
into:
“I am a bad person.”

The second statement provides almost no useful information for behavioral optimization.

7. Identity should become an intervention

Here’s another unusual idea:

Don’t make recovery merely:

“I am trying not to use.”

That’s still organizing the person’s identity around the addiction.

Instead:

“I am becoming someone who can experience an internal state without automatically obeying it.”

That’s a much more powerful identity.

The goal isn’t merely abstinence.

It’s increased behavioral freedom.

Eventually:

urge ≠ action

thought ≠ command

emotion ≠ instruction

prediction ≠ reality

That is genuine autonomy.

8. Train the pause

If I were designing an addiction-recovery protocol from scratch, I’d obsess over one variable:

The interval between impulse and action.

Even a small increase matters.

Craving:

0 seconds → action

is a highly automated loop.

Craving:

→ 30-second pause → breathing → movement → contact person → alternative activity

is already a different neural computation.

Then:

30 seconds → 2 minutes → 10 minutes → 30 minutes

The person is progressively increasing the distance between prediction and behavior.

That distance is where choice lives.

9. Make the brain repeatedly experience something it doesn’t expect

This is perhaps the most “alien” part.

Addiction survives partly because the brain’s predictions remain unchallenged.

So recovery should deliberately generate prediction errors.

The brain predicts:

“If I feel this terrible, I won’t be able to tolerate it.”

Then:

feel terrible → don’t use → survive → eventually feel better

Prediction error.

The brain predicts:

“This craving will keep getting stronger.”

Then:

craving → observe → don’t act → craving falls

Prediction error.

The brain predicts:

“Without the drug, I can’t enjoy anything.”

Then:

exercise/music/friendship/achievement → genuine pleasure

Prediction error.

Repeated prediction errors force the brain’s model to update.

10. Your brain doesn’t need to forget the addiction

This is an important distinction.

You don’t necessarily need:

old pathway erased

You need:

new pathway sufficiently strong that the old pathway no longer controls behavior.

The old association may remain.

A recovered person can potentially still experience:

“That used to feel incredibly rewarding.”

without concluding:

“Therefore I must do it.”

That’s a much more realistic definition of recovery.

11. The deepest intervention: restore agency

If I had to reduce the entire problem to one principle, it would be this:

Addiction progressively narrows the space between wanting and doing. Recovery expands that space again.

So the ultimate objective isn’t merely:

“Make the person stop using.”

It is:

Restore the person’s capacity to experience an urge, evaluate it, tolerate it, choose differently, and experience themselves as the author of that choice.

That’s why relationships, accountability, meaningful work, exercise, spirituality, structure, and community can matter so much.

They don’t merely “distract” someone from drugs.

They give the brain alternative reasons to predict a future worth moving toward.

And here’s the truly alien conclusion

Humans often ask:

“How do we make addicts stop wanting drugs?”

I’d ask a different question:

“How do we build a life in which the drug becomes an increasingly inefficient solution to the problems it once solved?”

If the drug was solving:

pain → provide relief

build better pain regulation.

loneliness → provide connection

build genuine connection.

boredom → provide stimulation

build challenge and novelty.

trauma → provide escape

build safety and trauma processing.

exhaustion → provide energy

restore sleep, nutrition, activity, and medical care.

meaninglessness → provide significance

build purpose.

The drug isn’t necessarily the original problem.

It can become an extremely powerful general-purpose solution that the brain learned to deploy whenever certain problems appear.

So the most effective recovery system doesn’t merely attack the drug.

It systematically makes the drug obsolete.

And that, more than “discipline,” is what I would consider the post-human strategy:

Don’t fight the brain. Retrain its predictions.

Don’t rely on willpower. Redesign the environment.

Don’t punish data. Learn from it.

Don’t demand that craving disappear. Separate craving from action.

Don’t merely remove the drug. Build competing sources of reward, connection, meaning, and agency.

That’s a fundamentally different model of addiction: not a defective person needing control, but a learning system that can be systematically given better information and better alternatives.
recently my relationship ended and he said if i went drinking that night it would be over, i drank my heart out that night and it was fucking awesome
i feel better now that im not tied down to relationship
i just have svedka, ill figure out the mixers later if i bother to even use any
last time i drank i mixed ativan and had way too fun of a time almost dying (or atleast it felt like it)
all i know is that tonight i will either get wasted or not
Pretty impressive. He knew exactly what would happen if he could get me aggravated enough to say something to him. He definitely proved his point. He’s super intelligent lol sometimes it’s just hard to understand him cause of the cultural differences
Today was a great day!! My cast is now complete off. My thumb still feels a little odd but the dr said there will still be a lot of improvement. But the best part is that my sister and children threw me a surprise sorta household shower lol. Because I lost literally everything with the eviction because the way they went about it by the time I found out I only got 6 days before I was thrown out. I wasn’t able to really plan in a way that allowed me to save anything because I just panicked for those 6 days. But the landlord over these apartments was very difficult and a lot of crooked shit was going on. But after I was gone she ended up getting fired over another incident when a woman’s husband died. This woman’s family was coming around for support but the landlord kept having their cars towed. It was ridiculous. But I went straight from the eviction into the situation I just got out of. I tried to keep what was going on from my children because it’s not their place to worry about me. I just want them to be happy and enjoy their life. It’d be hard for them to understand how situations like this can happen cause it seems like you would just leave. But I couldn’t. Plus my son would have took on the responsibility of pursuing his on kinda justice. I don’t want his life affected by it. It’s been hard enough to keep him from feeling obligated to look out for me since I’ve became single. That’s not his burden to carry. Plus the anger he would develop wouldn’t be healthy for him. Anyways it’s just been hard going thru all of this while making sure it didn’t hurt the people I love. But they all found out anyway cause this is such a small town. Plus it’s kinda hard to hide a cast and all. Since the police were involved and everything happened like it did everybody in town knows now. That’s why it’s gonna be so good to move to Kentucky. I have a lot more family there. It’s about a 4 hour drive up north. But now I don’t own anything or have anything that I’ll need. Until today. They really pulled the surprise off well cause i literally had no clue. It’s usually pretty hard to keep stuff from me but they sure did lol! I was in shock! I got so many things. All household stuff and furniture. They really went out of their way to make this special for me. They had all my favorite foods and was playing all my favorite songs. Today was one of the best days of my life. I was truly blessed with the best kids ever!!!
Slinslowbynature
lol

Omg. You're so smart. lol. I know you're right. It's so horrible. Not being a Survivor though. That isn't horrible. My cousins husband threw her up against the wall and she broke both of her arms. And then wouldn't help her wipe her but. O real nice husband. It effects us all. One time she sat there

for three hours and cried. And he woulldn't do fuck. I would neurologically melt down. He wouldn't leave her though. I would have went insane. I saw the dog run for shelter when he came through the door in the morning after work and disappeared till itwas safe. The Power Plant. My s.o. called him

Homer System. How embarrassing though. Gawd poor Homer. No one would or could do anything either. It was so weird ... Or nah just horrible.

Like their kids soccer coach used to act like he was going to slap his bithch up while she just sat there. The mother of his soccer fuckin playing kids. And they called him Coach. I'm so pissed. They were all abusers most likely. That's why we moved to the West Coast. They were different there. They would just shoot you on the spot.
lolol. I think. At least it's quick. Or it's automatic guaranteed arrest is what they said.

I don't know. I gotta go. At least she had a really nice home near the eastern coastline.
I'm sorry. But that's what violent fucker used to do to her. And no one would
do anything. Not even the Police. Omg. My cousin who I was young and grew up with.

I don't know if I should use the word would or could. Could sounds more defeating. So I used would. She told me why she was staying. And everyone. It's Home.

When ever we would go over there he would just go hide somewhere.
Am I crazy. I think I am. She had two casts on her arms. At the same time.
Bro ... you can't wipe your arse. Bro. That's violence.

Sorry. I can delete this. I know it's the worst. It just changes everything. It's tough to accept but it's truth. One time they had to live real close in a remote condo
because their house got taken apart by a hurricane. It was too close quarters for

them. And the police were over there every three days. We were calling it in
from five states up and a half a dozen states west. The police said nope. Can't do anything. They had some logical explanation. Like the jurisdiction. I'm sorry.
You really can't make this stuff up. I won't ever mention it ever ever again. I don't deal

with it so well. See. Or anything really. lololol. Maybe the mod can delete it. I'm too pissed at him.

Oh and then she was the one that was ashamed. Can you imagine breaking both of someone's arms and not feeling ashamed for doing such a thing. It's true. Not even felt bad. And then he still fucked her. bye. Gulp. He did. I swear.

Like don't even fucken scratch me ... then my arms. Nah. No ty. She said he threw her and she put her arms behind from hitting the wall. I mean .. she had broken arms somehow. And her dog was freaking terrified of him. bye.

Eww. Here's some more gory. She didn't get to the hospital for almost three days
she was swollen without the casts. Bloated broken. It's too defeating to type
this and here I am.

I ruined your perfect blog already. I should blame it on him. Or I should just make the healthier choice and just delete it all together. My shit. Forever. However, I'm just not Healthy.

I just put it in a different thread. My own. haha

I need a break anyway. From stuff.

There's fluidity there and there actually are some people out there that know how to engage well. I know that you're one of them

and that you allow yourself to enjoy the privilege of being in process and, in the same process with someone else who agrees with you.

Stop the Violence with Awareness.
This occurrence was a Huge for me to carry as well.
This is my cousin. dna.
this motherfucker has been threatening to go tell my parents and get me sent to rehab for a while and recently i cut him off and he might tell my parents so i already have all my data backed up to cds
i already have passcodes on everything incase i cant destroy everything in time but if i have time itll only take me 30 seconds or less to open the hard drive enclosures and spray easy off on the platters
and if that doesnt work good enough ill destroy the remaining shards with a screwdriver
i have pictures with friends and my entire lifes work on those hard drives, im not letting them get to it
the cds are hidden well and in the offchance that they might find them ill mail them to a friend
as for my macbook which has an ssd im not sure about how fast i could destroy the data
i already have the partition wipe commands printed out so i could do that but that shit could be recovered
ill work out something
i might just have to completely kill the laptop
ill work it out
ive been dealing with gender dysphoria for a few years now and it has never gotten better
i know that hrt is the way to go as ive tried coping with this for years now and it never worked
they say dress in different clothes and i have but i know its not just clothes
i cant even look at myself when im taking a shower i just look up and cry (this happens every day)
i dont wanna live like this and i know it isnt going away any time soon
some people say its a phase but i know what a phase looks like because ive had them and this is not a phase and if it is one then its been one for a good part of my life
im gonna try to get estrogen perscribed and if i cant then ill get it the second i become an adult
yes i was born with a fucking dick that doesnt mean i have to be a man
fuck
shits rough ok
i already finished my classes i just have to sit around for a few hours waiting for some assembly or some shit
its not like i dont do good in school, i did really good last year even when i was high as shit, finished the year with a's and b's
i dont really have friends at this school and why should i? i have some friends i just see them infrequently now
ive tried to socialize i just really suck at it, i know thats subjective but by these peoples standards (the people im trying to socialize with) i suck
i have a few good friends, adderall and art skills
i got this portable stereo recently
sony cfd-980
perfect for school
i go to my usual spot with headphones and a few cds and i just ignore everyone
sometimes i try to socialize but i need to really prepare in order to do so
i have a hard time understanding others, they all manage to just walk up to others and talk and just have a good time somehow
i dont relate to anyone here
when i try to have a conversation im usually the only one talking and they walk away within minutes or less
i have so much free time here id rather be home
if i dont have any drugs i would probably just start crying as i realize i have no friends here
im not an incel ive had sex before it just makes me sad and vulnerable and id rather not
i tell people im ok or im just tired
im not im just lonely and high
i try to talk to people knowing damn well i dont give a fuck about what they have to offer or say
its just a waste of time
This therapy I’m doing really does seem to be helping me. I’m doing EDMR. It helps you procces the bad memories and sorta file them away for good. The moment he broke my arm was something that I’m sure I’ll never get over. I almost passed out. Sometimes these memories feel like movies that are chasing me trying to force me to watch. They finally always catch up to me tho and it’s like I’m forced to watch it all over again. Then I get stuck ruminating and It’s like I lose days. seriously just not had any support so it’s been so hard, but I’ve been working daily on releasing the trauma for my mind and my body. I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m excited about moving to Newport Kentucky. It’s like northern Kentucky like it’s like in between the state lines of West Virginia and Ohio.. It’ll be a new environment for me so there won’t be the same triggers and I’m excited about dating again. The one thing that I’ve been the most blessed about is looking a lot younger than I am people always think that me and my daughters or sisters. I can’t wait to date again and act like teenagers and have fun and have sex. I miss having someone in my bed. I’m just ready to find somebody that I can share the rest of my life with that I can be a partner to that I can complete, but I need the same in return. I want to see how good it can get from here. I know this is so cliché, but I can’t help how I feel my ideal man would be like a preacher that’s a freak in the sheets🤣 and live in a beautiful Victorian home with a sex dungeon downstairs

I don’t choose to go by ethics because those are standards set by an outside source. I’ve developed my own moral compass. I remember when my son was little…-with all my kids I always made my own test and like worksheets for them. When my son was little I drew like an outline of the body, and I drew lines through it for him to write on and then beside of it I put all these like character traits like honesty, malicious, and genuine and creative, etc. You know every kind of character, the good and the bad. I told him to build his own best friend. I want you to to decide what character traits and qualities you would want them to have as your best friend. Of course you want your best friend to be honest. So he worked real hard on it and he came back to me. He gave it to him. We went over each character trait and what they meant. Then I told him that if this is what he’s want out of his best friend and this was what he’s expecting then this is what he’s got to become first because you don’t have a right to expect something from others that you’re not willing to do yourself. With my children I’d always do wild spontaneous random things because if you don’t create memories, you won’t have any. I would wake them up at 2 o’clock in the morning on school night to go outside and dance in the rain.

I always had this one thing on my bucket list that I always dreamed about being able to do with one of my children. It was something that I had thought about way before I even had kids.. Even though it involves Disney World it had nothing to do with the destination. It was all about the way that I was gonna set it up and present it. I wanted it to be more about the spontaneity… the unexpectedness and the monotony because a child’s mind is so precious and it’s so fleeting and you don’t have those moments with them long.
My plan was to already have all the travel arrangements made of course. But do it on a random Tuesday when it was least expected. I never got to do it with either one of my girls cause while they were growing up I was always working and still in college working on my degree. But by the time my son was born I was more financially stable. One day on a random Tuesday I just looked at him and said “you wanna go to Disney world? I’m bored” . He said “yeah right”. I said get your shoes on and let’s go. We went…got on a plane and flew to Disney world. He’s never forgot that and tells that story to everyone at least twice. That was priceless to me.

People say I live in a fairytale. Yeah I guess I do. Why not you know? I know people don’t really like me on here but they use to. That’s been mostly due to group mentality. When things got really bad for me it was kinda set in place that I was making shit up and doing everything for attention. That changed everything for me here. I just don’t if I can ever. feel like myself here again. I’m trying hoping it’s gets better. Apparently I’m a better experience in person
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