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i i need to get moving or i might be stuck in this state forever im slowly getting control but everytime i think it down to a science i lose everything. i just want to be who i am in front of everyone with no mask between us, but the problem is when i gaze into the rain i can see only myself standing there alone and when the people return i lose all confidence in the words i held so truthfully before.

Still no word from friendly, I haven't talked to him since I was trying to detox at my mothers house a little over a month ago. He had called me in the middle of the night to hang out but of course I couldn't just walk out of my mother's house and come back under the influence of drugs (which would have been exactly what happened). The next day I was hoping he would call because his phone got shut off but I haven't heard from him since then. Then, last week me and some other junkies were getting high in my car when one of my homeboys asked if anyone had heard from him. I said that I hadn't heard from him then he said that last he heard he was dead...and that the last time he talked to him it was in the middle of the night and he was rambling some shit about space ships or some shit like that. I know he was doing a lot of speed when he got back to Denver so I assume he was really spun out, that or he was doing crack. Every time I used crack with him he always never made since so that could be a possibility.

I personally didn't want to believe he was dead but sadly me and Jason were talking about him recently too and he said that the people where he picks up his prescriptions (which is the same place Friendly goes) said that he was dead also. That being said I really don't know how I feel anymore about this whole thing. Friendly was the guy who I first did Heroin, Crack and Methamphetamine with. Shit, he was my gateway into the world of hard drugs. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it just hurts me to think he is gone. I may have not kicked with the guy much when he got back but that is because he got us into situations which were bad and I didn't want to turn up dead in a dumpster which is where I would have ended up if I didn't at the very least take a break from hanging out with him. I mean really now, the first day we hang out when he got back he managed to get both of us held up at gunpoint.

I just hope he turns up or calls me someday soon, or dare I say it, get confirmation that he is dead so I know what happened. The kid was like a brother to me. Homeless or not, our relationship went more then skin deep...literally.

So...after a minor battle with the team at QEII - which went really well...on some Seroquel at night and ativan as well before sleep. mucho gracias signor.

if anyone can properly pronounce the off label name for Seroquel Ill send you 20$ US. haha

Moving sucks. Job Sucks. At least there's big pharma yay!

[This is my first blog post. It's super long, but it's a awesome story and it's 100% true. This happened in February 09. I hope you enjoy]

This morning I received a voicemail from an old friend. It was good news, she found out who snitched on me; her friend had gotten busted after selling to them too. After 7 months of stress, dropping out of school, moving 800 miles away and finally figuring out the circumstances of being snitched on, I finally feel safe enough to tell my story.

I was broke. My relationship of 2 years with my girlfriend was over, my dad had died a year before that and I was alone, addicted to opiates again and bitter and depressed. I was going to university 15 hours a week and working 20-30 hours at a restaurant. I had recently been over prescribed suboxone, I say over prescribed because my doctor kept pushing more on me and my insurance charged the same whether I got it filled for 30 pills or 120. Eventually I was scripted 24mgs a day and took about 4mgs a day. So I'd sell a couple suboxone to my friends who had helped me out in a pinch. Although opiates were popular in this town, there was never enough to go around and I felt compelled to help out my dopesick friends who had helped me out in the past. As the months passed the money got the better of me and if I needed money to cover some bills, or to get drunk I'd sell to people I didn't really know. Well I only sold to 2 people who were 'friends' of friends. I couldn’t help it, very low supply and very high demand and I was a dope fiend stuck in the middle.

(The day of the bust)
I woke up groggy, not looking forward to my day of classes followed by 6-7 hours of slaving away in the restaurant. I started my morning with a dark brown tasty glass of poppy pod tea. Although I wasn't using heavily, I had been chipping when the mood struck me. I was still coping with breaking up with my girlfriend and my dad's death I told myself. Subsequently my dad's death provided me a small chunk of money to indulge in all the substances I desired which only furthered my anxiety and depression. I was barely alive; I was more a drug taking machine than a person. Using anything I could find to drown out my emotions, looking back I was hardly conscious of anything.

My dogs got me out of bed with wet morning breath doggy kisses all over my face and after several dozen I gave in to their pleas for attention. They were whining and crying like they usually do in the morning. It wasn't an annoying plea for help, if you knew these dogs you'd know it's impossible not to love them, it was more a "pllllllllease take me outside daddy" type of whine. I smoked a cigarette and after some doom and gloom morning news I said “ok ok already lets go outside”. The dogs were ecstatic as usual. The frantically raced around the living room and nervously fidgeted while I tried to put their leashes on. Scrappy pawed at the door. And like I did for the past 2 years, I turned the door handle and let my dogs out.

It was February and the crisp cold air hit me as so as the door cracked. I had grown so familiar with this routine that I hardly put any thought into it, much like my life at that time. I had yet to close the door behind me when I noticed two six foot tall 200 lb men in shiny leather jackets and dress pants approaching my apartment. Weird I thought, they don’t look like friends of my neighbors. Before I had time to feel uneasy, they approached me. Not like you’d approach a friend, more like how you’d approach someone you were trying to intimidate. Like a pair of school yard bullies trying to work me over for my milk money they asked “Are you Dankstersauce?”, “Dankerstauce who was on probation in Monroe County?” I slightly felt at ease, I had faked my way through 3 years probation with monthly email check-ins and stopping by when I had the time. But I had completed probation, I was a free man. I thought this simply was a mix up. They moved in closer and told me to put my hands on the outside of the apartment building. After frisking me down, they said “get your fucking dogs inside.” I was dumb founded, still half awake, half alive and trying to figure out what these police officers wanted.
This all happened so fast I had never shut the front door and as I turned to take my dogs inside, one of the detectives stood in the doorway. In a very nonchalant way he asked if “You mind us looking around?” I replied “NO, I don’t consent to any searches.” I undo the dog’s leashes and as I look back up I see both detectives are now closer. The one in the doorway is now inside my apartment and his goon is now in the doorway. They badger me with the usual “Well you must have something to hide” shtick. I tell them “No. It’s my constitutional right; I don’t have to let you in.” Police must really hate the constitution because he leaned in and nearly shouted “I got your dope! I got your phone calls! You’re in some serious shit and it’s in your best interest to talk to us!”
They say they have my suboxone; which is hardly “dope” in my opinion. They go on to say I need to let them search my place and snitch on 3 people to make it all go away in more words and more scare tactics. I tell them I’m not letting them search. They reply “Fine this officer will stay here while I get a search warrant and then the judge will really want to fuck you over.” I tell them I’m going to call a lawyer. This REALLY upset them, even more so than mentioning the constitution. As I began looking through my cell phone for my lawyer (who happens to be my dad’s childhood friend) their demeanor completely changed. They were my friends now. “Hey relax guy, we’re trying to help you here.” The one detective says. I tell him “it’s not your job to help people, your job is to help convict people.” The other detective follows my words with “WELL THEN YOU BETTER HELP YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU”RE FACING MULTIPLE FELONIES! SAY GOODBYE TO BLUELIGHT UNIVERSITY! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR A FELON TO GET A JOB?” These two seemed irritated or they’re just great actors. They must deal with stupid people on a regular basis.

All the while they were screaming at me and intimidating me, I hardly realized they were creeping into my house more and more. After literally 30 minutes of them screaming at me, not letting me call a lawyer and doing everything in their power to scare me, I caved and let them search. They promised I wouldn’t be charged for anything they found. “Heh pigs and their empty promises” I thought. But after this much unexpected drama and scare tactics I didn’t verbally consent to it but I very stupidly let them search. A note to everyone, these guys are good at what they do. I always prided myself on knowing what to do and how to talk to police. But these bastards caught me SO off guard and really hit me hard with everything they had…several times and double teamed me with their interrogation tactics. It’s mad easy to watch a video about what to do but when you’re face to face with two 6ft tall +200lb detectives, it suddenly becomes a lot harder to think straight.

Here is what they left my house with that day:

One glass pipe, 2 chillums, 2 water bongs, an n2o cracker, a case of n2o, my case of 75 dried poppy pods, 60 or so Soma, 2 grams of weed, 2 grams of weed laced with DMT, stacker 3 caffeine pills (why?), (this is where it gets bad) a digital scale, a couple hundred empty gel caps, one pound of lye, several quarts of Naptha, several spent jars from extracting DMT, my journal in which I vividly noted the extraction process I used and contained a ‘manifesto’ of sorts I had written about psychedelics/spirituality and the constitution (ya know all those things the government hates) as well as some trip reports. There were some other drugs and paraphernalia confiscated that is currently slipping my mind but last 6 on the list were the ones I was most worried about.

While they were tearing my bedroom apart, I snatched my jars of DMT without either officer noticing. One is a beautiful hand blown glass jar; the other is a regular sized pharmaceutical pill bottle. Both are filled with DMT, roughly 6-8 grams in total. As they continue to confiscate my collection of fine substances, I ask to go to the bathroom and hide the DMT under the sink. About an hour later, the search is over. It’s clear that if I snitch on 3 people, all the stuff they confiscated and my “multiple felonies” for selling suboxone will disappear forever. I’m completely shocked to the point where I’m nearly shaking. Then I thought it would be a good idea to actually shake, I figured I’d do a little acting. I totally cooperated; I told them I’d snitch even though I had no intention of ever snitching. So there I was a shaking sniveling little bitch, their own personal snitch, I was at their service.

As they leave my bedroom and begin to walk down the hall they pass the bathroom. The one officer starts looking through my bathroom. He pulls out the pill bottle containing about 3 grams of deemz for underneath the sink. He slowly raises it to his face, inspects it and then holds it up for me to see. “What’s this?” he asks.

[The thrilling conclusion in my next post!]

catch ya'll on the flipside. i'll be around for maybe a fortnight - just letting everyone know asap so you all don't think i'm buried in the dirt or something.
keep it cool, xx

im about to inform you as to why i am entirely too pissed off at the moment. for what you ask? nothing that deserves this level of pissed offness, that's for sure, but it has me thinking about something a friend of mine said the other day. he was perturbed, just as i am now, but he said it was ugly and tried to apologize. i said, "fuck that. why is it ugly when it's apart of your nature?"
when someone's taking anger out on you, then yes that's a bit ugly, but if they're just angry in general...cussing loudly, bitching about what they're cussing about, roughly fumbling with nearby items...how is that ugly? how do people deal with repressing that kind of frustration? because i have no fucking idea. i actually find it attractive when people express anger in a healthy way. it's alive and raw and full of their personality.
i am completely guilty of this characteristic and im tired of being looked down upon because im having a bad day and verbalize. it's not a bad fucking thing to be angry...it's natural...it's healthy....it's just what fucking happens. dont be a bitch to everyone in your present area, dont break things that arent yours, but for god fucking sakes raise your voice at the coffee maker for not fucking cooperating!
besides, that's how i recognize love. when i see how a person acts during bad times, that's when i know if i love them or not. im not talking family either. when i find the person who finds me attractive when im irritated, that's who i'll marry. because all the other shit doesnt fucking matter really. you can laugh with anyone, talk with whoever...but it takes a fucking lot to really love a persons anger and not just put up with it.

Last Tuesday, we settled out of court with the two former employees causing my mum grief in Cairns. With this huge weight lifted off our shoulders, mum is off the valium and her and my sister can now focus on the business of hopefully wrapping up our affairs up north so everyone can move on with their lives.

So in the spirit of moving on with life, the reason I planned to drop in during my fortnight off was to write about the significance of today.

On August 24th 2007 I ended my 3.5 year relationship with Jess... that was two years ago today. It's unlikely she's taken note of today as I was always the one who was more mindful of dates and anniversaries.

We met on September 21st 2003... in Revolver. We became a couple six months to the day, on March 21st 2004. The first two years of our relationship were the best years of my life, the two years after we broke up have been the worst. It's taken me most of those two years to come to the realisation that neither of us are to blame for this state of affairs.

Jess is an academic, she teaches at university level and has a Phd. She is Italian, Sicilian actually, speaks the language but doesn't identify with "wog" culture... she has travelled to Europe a few times. Unlike me, she doesn't make friends quickly or very easily, but the friendships she does make tend to last... she loves books, arthouse films, Dylan Moran, cats, red wine (and alcohol in general), poking fun at my own inability to drink, trashy television and she is especially fond of penguins.

Unlike me, she is quick to anger over certain things (I blame the Italian blood) and not great at accepting criticism, but she is also smart, funny, incredibly genuine and has a heart of pure, 24-carat gold. Born five days before me, she is also a Pisces yet in contrast to myself, she is far more responsible when it comes to money or drugs.

We are still friends, though not very close anymore, we still see movies together quite often. It is often difficult for us to talk about the past, so most of the time we don't and keep things at a somewhat superficial level... while it's obvious there is a genuine respect and affection between us, sometimes it's hard to tell that we were anything more than friends.

There are very few people in the world who I would say really understand me, so I'm glad Jess is still in my life and we can maintain a friendship.



This photo was taken at Big Day Out 2006... as you can imagine, we were a pretty awesome couple. Most people commented as such. It's hard to imagine how happy we used to make each other.... but most of all, the hardest thing about breaking up with someone you love is always worrying if they'll find someone who will treat them as well as you did.

Okay, so i've read A LOT of the fentanyl threads on here. And A LOT of people are bashing on the MYLAN brand Fentanyl patches. These are the plastic matrix type patches. They are NOT gels.

I've been addicted to opiates for 3-4 years now. It started out with one 7.5mg vicodin. Now i'm eating around 50-75mcg of fentanyl EVERY day. It's getting bad. But anyways, the reason for this thread was to express MY feelings on fentanyl patches, mostly the MYLAN brand. It is my favorite. I want to provide some of MY reasons why I enjoy the MYLAN brand over any other. And over any type of gel patches.

Before I go on, it must be known that I don't typically eat these patches to get high. I need them to not go through any w/ds. Otherwise I wouldn't have to do these everyday. When I want to get high, I combine other pills/drugs into the mix. As well as marijuana. But that's an entire different thread. haha.

I hate the gel patches. mostly because of the way I use the mylan patches. I always just cut off & put a piece in my mouth for 4-5 hours, just sitting on my tongue. and it will keep me lovely ALL DAY. I've sucked on gel's before, and a lot of it gets wasted due to swallowing it.

With the gel patches, you certainly cannot take a 100mcg and cut it into 2-4 pieces which you could totally do with a MYLAN. All the gel will leak out. And swallowing the gel is an absolute waste, as it will not effect you once it passes into the g.i tract. I don't like smoking/injecting the gel either. I HAVE smoked it before off tin foil just to see what type of effects I would get. But they were always very shitty. And really short lasting. It also wastes a 100mcg patch very quickly. I've seen my friend smoke an entire 100mg gel within an hour. A 100mcg MYLAN patch for me would last me 2-3 days. And for as expensive as they are (I live in Buffalo, NY...a 100mcg goes anywhere from $60 which is considered really good - all the way up to $100+)

I normally get my hands on whatever size mylan patches are around. 50, 75, or 100mcg usually. Sometimes ill come across some 25mcgs. And lately i'm up to eating 50mcg at a time just to feel feel a TINY BIT over comfortable. I take it about an hour after waking up EVERY day. Otherwise i'll feel like shit if I don't. It rarely gets me high. It just makes me feel comfortable in my own skin for the day. Then Ill usually eat another 25mcg at night around 9-10pm (I don't go to sleep til about 3am), not because I need it for maintenance...but just to be chilled out. And I know i'll sleep good if I eat a little piece at night. Ill also eat xanax sometimes (lately, quite often) with my night dose of 25mcg. Then me and my girlfriend will usually just chill out and watch a movie. I try to limit myself on the xanax though..i'm already addicted to one terrible drug. I don't need to get myself into another dangerous drug, with the w/ds from it resulting in possible seizure's & death. I was so niave about opiates when I first started doing them. I really didn't know what addiction was. I was just selling scripts of vidodin to make money, and I would eat a few every time. Then I started getting them every day to sell, so I would keep a couple more..then vic's didnt work anymore and I got into oxy's..then they got too expensive and didn't work.. and then I found fentanyl and got out of control. Please, if you're reading this and have not taken a trip to the world of opiates...DO NOT start. You do not want to take that trip. And i've never tried heroin for that exact reason - Because I will love it too much, and I promised myself I would never get into heroin. Fentanyl is as far as it's going to go.

But anyways, I believe the mylan patches are MUCH better. They can be very easily hidden. I keep mine in a cd case in my room. Or when i'm out & about, ill keep them in my wallet. Another reason I take a liking to them is because you can pretty much cut yourself whatever size dose you want. Which you cannot do with the gels.

I can't believe I use to get out of my mind for 6+ hours on a piece of about 10-15mcg. with insane nods. Sometimes if I ate it at night, I would wake up the next..afternoon(haha) like 13 hours later, still high as a kite. Now I couldn't even get those results if I ate an entire 100mcg.

I plan on getting off these really soon. I'm weaning myself down as far as I can then i'm going to jump off. I've been stacking up on benzo's for the w/ds. Also got some Immodium AD at my hand. Some nyquil, with dxm in it hehe. That should help right? Any other suggestions? I REALLY wish I could get my hands on some Clonodine. Dang. It sounds like that stuff would help immensley.


But I hope this thread was helpful to anyone looking for info on MYLAN brand fentanyl patches vs. duragesic (gel). If you have the choice to get gel, or the plastic matrix...go with the matrix!! especially the MYLAN brand.



Wish me luck on getting off this stuff guys.




PS - This is my first post by the way, so spare me if it's a little bit all over the place. I had a lot I wanted to say, but wasn't too sure how I wanted to structure it. And i'm not even sure I posted this in the right area. I'm sorry!

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Not sure......I don't think I have an order.....

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Baby Blue

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed
again? of course! My husband is sweet as pie and loves kisses.......

4.Do you plan outfits? Sometimes. But not usually.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? A little annoyed, rubbed the wrong way and hot.
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? My tobacco pouch.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? aim.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? last night i had nightmares about my brother, an ex friend who in my dream turned out to be my sister and my dad.....My brother was doing coke with my 'sister' and I tried to stop them and my dad accused me of being a liar- a fight ensued.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope.

10. What are you craving right now? REAL GOOD LEMONADE.

11. Do you floss? yes, when i remember to.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Cabbage Patch Kids.....and Garbage Pail kids.

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? I don't use it.

14. Are you emotional? I can be.

15. Would you dance to the taco song? probably not since i have no idea what it is.
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? no ...

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I don't bite it......usually I just drool on it to melt it and then slurp it.i am seeing if you are actually reading this.
18. Do you like your hair? It's ok. I have been having issues with it since i cut bangs.
19. Do you like yourself? For the most part, yes. Except when I am in a mood like I am now.....
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yeah I have met a few.
21. Do you like cottage cheese? On occassion.
22. What are you listening to right now? nothing.

23. How many countries have you visited? Haven't left the USA yet- but I a,m hoping that changes soon.

24. Are your parents strict? Psh! If they were I wouldn't have to parent them.

25. Would you go sky diving? Possibly.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Poison him, maybe No. No. I wouldn't. I'm nice.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Hahaha maybe shoes

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? Not that I can think of.

29. Have you ever been in a castle? I don't know? Probably when I was younger.......mansions for sure- maybe one looked like a castle

30. Do you rent movies often? No

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? What? Im too old for school.

32. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes.

33. Do you own a gun? Nope.

34. Can you count backwards from 74? I am sure i could.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My husband

36. Brown or white eggs?Brown, cage free.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Nope.

38. Ever been on a train? Yes.

39. Ever been in love? Yes.

40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes.

41. Are you too forgiving? Sometimes. I have been hardening myself though.....

42. Do you use chap stick? not often.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Turning in her two weeks notice at her shitty job!!!!

44. Can you use chop sticks? No.....I suck.

45. Ever have cream puffs? yeah..they're good

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? yeah. It was alright.

47. What was the last question you asked? I dont know

48. What was the last CD you bought? Bought???? No clue.

49. Boys or girls? Boy. One boy. Husbandboy.

50. What is your bus number for school?whoa. no clue. I went to like 100 schools.

51. Is your hair curly?wavy- sometimes its spiral curls, if I don't brush them out.

52. Last time you cried? A couple nights ago.

53. Ever walked into a wall? hahaha yes i have.

54. Do looks matter? depends.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? What? Who? Where?

56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes.

57. Favorite time of the year? Fall.

58. Favorite color? Green and Blue (can't choose between them.)

59. Are you sarcastic? Sometimes.

60. Do you have any tattoos? yes - 2

61. The last person you held hands with? My husband.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope.

63. Where was your default picture taken at? the woods

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? I used to, now i just pity them.

65. Do you like your life right now? Yeah i am happy with what I have.

66. How often do you talk on the phone?Almost every night.

67. What is your favorite animal? kittie kats

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? groceries

69. Do you have good vision? eh. most of the time.

70. Can you hula hoop? yup!

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? hmmmmm- depends.

72. Do you have a job? nope.

73. Can you handle the truth? yes i prefer the truth. I hate bullshit.

74. What are you wearing? jeans and a t shirt

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? yes

Read the blog but hurry starts soon.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my teeth
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? black
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes
4.Do you plan outfits? no, i try to make sure all my clothes match my other clothes
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? a wee anxious and sore
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my cranberry and vodka
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? aim
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? i had one where i woke up really angry at my roommate. like angry enough that i was going to wake him up and inform him of this fact.
9. Did you meet anybody new today? nope
10. What are you craving right now? some uppers of some sort
11. Do you floss? not usually
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? cabbage and noodles
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? i am talking to people now
14. Are you emotional? not really
15. Would you dance to the taco song? ???
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? not that i recall
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it... ocean i read your response
18. Do you like your hair? i want to dye it but i am waiting till after the wedding
19. Do you like yourself? more or less
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i guess it depends on how you define celebrity?
21. Do you like cottage cheese? only in a hungarian dish that uses dry cottage cheese and salt pork or bacon recipe
22. What are you listening to right now? the tv
23. How many countries have you visited? most of the caribbean, mexico and canada
24. Are your parents strict? i'm getting married in two weeks, i have been dating my fiancee for ten years. he is still not allowed to be alone in my room (at my parents' house) with me.
25. Would you go sky diving? hells no
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? sure, if nothing else, it would make for a good story
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? if i had some on hand, it would make for a good story
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? the tv maybe?
29. Have you ever been in a castle? yes
30. Do you rent movies often? we have netflix
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? i am not in class...
32. Have you made a prank phone call? long ago, yes.
33. Do you own a gun?no
34. Can you count backwards from 74? yes, in multiple languages none the less
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? i went to dinner with friends and now hanging with vgoraz
36. Brown or white eggs? i do not really eat eggs
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? a shirt or two
38. Ever been on a train? yes
39. Ever been in love? well yes
40. Do you have a cell-phone? yes
41. Are you too forgiving? no, i hold grudges
42. Do you use chap stick? i prefer softlips
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? working
44. Can you use chop sticks? yes, i recently acquired this skill
45. Ever have cream puffs? yucky, i do not like pastries or sweets
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? not that i recall
47. What was the last question you asked? why are we watching this?
48. What was the last CD you bought? not a clue
49. Boys or girls? whoever is more sane
50. What is your bus number for school? i have not ridden a bus in like 15 years
51. Is your hair curly? rather straight
52. Last time you cried? a few days ago
53. Ever walked into a wall? amongst other things
54. Do looks matter? at times
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? a bathing suit and some shorts
56. Have you ever slapped someone? many times
57. Favorite time of the year? autumn
58. Favorite color? don't have one
59. Are you sarcastic? very much so
60. Do you have any tattoos? nope
61. The last person you held hands with? vgoraz
62. Do you sleep with the TV on? no, just a fan
63. Where was your default picture taken at? my avatar on here has been the same for years. there used to be a post count limit for avatars and i randomly googled something, it hasn't changed since
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? i suppose, tho i do not really keep track of people who annoy me
65. Do you like your life right now? eh, i want this whole wedding thing to be over. its causing way to much stress and bad feelings.
66. How often do you talk on the phone? i try to avoid it at all costs. there are like 5 people who i will call and thats it.
67. What is your favorite animal? penguin
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? bathing suit
69. Do you have good vision? i could use glasses, but i am too cheap to get some
70. Can you hula hoop? yeah
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? i think it really depends on the two people and what happened
72. Do you have a job? sorta, i took the summer off and the job thinks i am returning. i am not so sure tho.
73. Can you handle the truth? i tend to tell to always more or less tell the truth. i do not understand making up elaborate lies to cover up something you did
74. What are you wearing? pyjamas
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? yes, a few times,

Ok, so I can speak freely on here as there is only 1 other person who knows me on here and he's to far away to say anything about this to the one it's about. I am in LOVE with a guy named Brooks. If you will notice I tied his name into my 1st in years poem entry in the "words" forum. He's cute, funny, sweet, and everything that draws me in! But I don't want to be tied down yet. I've dated some dorks and the last 2 serious ones turned out toally sucky... so I'm in no hurry to be in a relationship. But still he's so cute! LOL We can talk for hours and we both like the same things. He's more shy then I am so everybody thinks I should ask him out... but I've never really asked a guy out. I know lame! But whatever. I'm going to bed now, lots of work to do tomorrow. I bid thee all a night of sweet slumber. I pray you awake to the beams of a radiant sun and may the feeling of wonder surround you all the day throgh.

I'; not feeling super energetic today, so I wont adding a tonne.

Some of the oddball equipment includes the M1 Garand, the FN FAL the RPK and all sorts of random selections. A common one is the MG-42, for its terrific rate of fire and horrifing sound.

I myself perfer the AK74U to the Mp5.

Then there is a whole set of "sanitized weapons" things we bring back from overseas, buy on the street, or buy under the guise of civilian law enforcement or movie prop use. These are used for politically sensitive operations. Which are most, and tend to the most used weapons in operational service. The non sanitized ones being mainly used in training.

The mandate of the black teams is national counter terrorism, hostage rescue when the capabilities exceed the civilian police tactical teams skills, as well as protecting Citizens overseas and the intrests of the country overseas. That can range from a direct action operation to rescue a citizen held hostage by a terror group in a 3rd party nation, to interfearing with an enemy country's goverment, to just recce on some flair up. (such as the Russia/Georgia war...We learned Russia isnt nearly as incapable as claimed by some)

Most of this is done under the idea of "plausable denyablity" that is. The operators carry nothing to link them to the country, or the countrys armed forces.

Sometimes, a 3rd party, usually poor and un-capable country will request assistance with some sort of situation. The unit can be tasked to these, and often is. Espically during these, they tend to work with aid from other 3rd parties and the host country. (Say working with a Russian SVR Zaslon team, who also provide a ship to stage of of and the local police providing primiters, and things like food and lodging)

well thats enough for now.

i do not understand people and their need to engage in drama... i get my fill from reality tv and people on here

because of my wedding, and who was invited and who wasn't, some people aren't speaking to each other. it comes down to why some cousins were invite and others weren't. i was honest when i told everyone involved that i do not know how my mom decided who to invite. but people are all sorts of butt hurt and my mom is creating lies to "fix" things. except its making a bigger mess and people will not stop calling me to complain.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.


That is some fuckin powerful shit I want that read at my funeral. %)

Gggggg

I have been a meth user for the most part of 17 years. I have went from Casual usage to Selling an ounce and a half a day. This all happened in the course of a few months. I have went from 16 up until now which is 33. It is at this point in my life that I feel it is time to quit. I don't want people to assume I am worthless no good or any of the like. I have 2 college degrees, 3 professional certifications and until very recently had a full time job. I worked 8 to 5 for 5 days each week. I did all that while being a full blown user nothing casual about it. I would go through personally with my girlfriend at the time about 1 gram a day. I also would like to add that if I had a way to verify it I would, I am as honest and trustworthy. I dont lie, cheat, steal and have trouble with people that are like that. I have went through up to a year of sobriety at certain points of my time using.

Some might ask if you seem to function why would you quit if they are the curious type. Well even though I never let it affect my morals, just about everyone I know that does it can't say the same. My last girlfriend cheated on me and lied to me then blamed or treated me like I was the one to do it. I know that is directly related to drug use. So to answer that question more directly...I am quiting more for the people around me and because they, after a while, loose themselves to it and forget who they are and what is morally correct. As a side not my ex I have known for 18 years prior to dating. She has spent time in jail, but that is something I have been both fortunate and lucky for I have not. I have two kids one girl and one boy. From my past experience I know not having my girlfriend will make it a little worse on me but I will manage.

I mean as I type this I am smoking my last of what I had. So when I asked if anyone wanted to tag along I mean follow along with my posts as I sober up. I will post at least 1 to 2 times a day even when I can't open my eyes hardly. Readers must take into consideration that I will be bitchy at times and down right offensive but if that don't bother you then please read along. I figure it might be beneficial to both the forums and I. The readers will have a chance to read first hand how it is for someone to sober up after being a hard core user for a long time. An it will give me the illusion that I have some sort of company and might not get the really low alone feeling as bad. Post up if you guys have any questions of comments because the real adventure don't start till day after tomorrow. That is when it will get really rough because it will be out of my system for the most part.

So here's a stolen survey!

I, [who cannot be named for legal reasons] hereby declare to adhere to certain standards within my trade and promise to do what is right and fair inasmuch that is permitted by my [ i l l e g a l] profession.
I hereby swear to the following:


Hygiene

When mixing up any powder or liquids, I promise do it on a clean surface, with a clean blade/card/ in as clean wraps/bags as I can manage. If I must keep my wares hidden in socks/pants/pockets/mouth/arse, I shall be especially vigilant as to how they are wrapped and ensure they are covered at least 3-4 times and sealed properly. I shall store/hide my wares in a cool/dark and dry place to avoid contamination and moisture.


Timekeeping

I promise to not lie about the time I will take to deliver my wares to my customers, or to leave my customers standing on street corners for ridiculous lengths of time, especially in winter.

Respect
I promise to treat my customers with dignity and respect whenever possible. I will not fall prey to the traps of 'powder power' and will never lord my wares over customers less fortunate than myself. I will never take advantage of women or men for drugs.

Ethics

I will abide by the knowledge that overdoses occur more frequently for those just out of prison or rehab and will always endeavour to tell such customers the risks involved. I shall never sell a person their first 'hit' and will do what I can to dissuade the young and inexperienced.

Adulterants

I will never cut any powders or liquids with anything I believe to be harmful or unclean. I will always use the safest cuts on the market and will keep abreast of developments regarding the safest cuts available, only if cutting is necessary.

Credit

I promise not to be overly tight about giving credit to regular customers and if I know they are sick or desperate, I promise to afford regular customers at least one bag on tick.

(print out and...) Sign or stamp here

Hello everyone!

As some of you may have noticed, we've finally chosen a new moderator for Blogs. Please join me in welcoming ocean!

I'd also like to take this chance to thank everyone who applied for the position. It was a surprisingly tough decision, which is why it took a little while to get it done.

Thanks again!

Hhhhgbbnn

The wood lay in the brown cardboard bag and as I picked up a piece, intending to throw it into the fire, I got the sense that I was disturbing the wood and that perhaps it didn’t want to be burnt, and then I was overcome with the feeling that everything I was doing was wrong, and that what if I was meant to live my life a different manner? I would never know.

I decided I needed something else to think about, so I did what I have always thought I should do when I needed inspiration – I went to sit at a coffee shop to look at people and create dialogues in my head. I’m not that strange, it’s not that I don’t have any friends to sit at coffee shops with me, but don’t you think it’s far better creating a different world sometimes when you get tired of reality? Even if it is in your head?

In my reality, the weathered man with the sad eyes at the next table isn’t sitting all by his lonesome self, pondering over his life and letting the emptiness eat him up from inside out. He is doing what I’m doing, he is seeking inspiration and will eventually find a mindset that will keep him sane. Or so my reality hopes for him.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed an old woman sitting outside the café in her torn and tattered clothing, watching the world go by. Something compelled me to rise from my seat and approach her, so I did, and to my surprise instead of sadness there was a mischievous, insane sparkle in her eyes, like she had figured the world out and the people she was looking back into were mere mortal fools.

Excuse me, I said, I couldn’t help but notice the light on your face, what have you found?

Do you really want to know? She was teasing me.

My affirmative nod prodded her and she went on.

I have found that there are nice people and terrible people. I have found that sometimes there are reasons for awful things that happen and sometimes absolutely none at all. The nicest of people can get the worst of luck, and vice versa. I see all these people walking by with melancholy in their eyes, and I can tell they wish they were in someone else’s shoes. But with everybody wishing to be someone else, do you not see what we are? We are all the same. We are the same race breathing the same air. If you are sad today, there are many others sad with you – and despite this sadness there are millions of others happy. Therefore in the wider outlook of things, the balance of sadness and happiness, goodness and badness is perfect. This is life, and if you fight it or seek reasoning or otherwise, you end up in a spinning cycle of pondering and depression.

And that, she said with a contented smile, that feeling I feel when I think about it all, is what helps me sleep at night even when it gets too cold.

For a few days.. a haze.

my own pain of personal ignorance

if ur anything like me -- whom had a rough life as a child you might have learned to over compensate.

Today I spent it stoned, naked, in bed listening to pandora radio credence clear water station.

and browsing facebook for anyone that is a friend.

ive been up for 5 hours and smoked 10 ciggs....


However, in this shitty pity I pay, I did come across an interesting shaman woman local- whom i will be seeking meditation and healing with, so even in my troubles, hahaha, i am aware consciously of needing a solution

Only to wake up to a gray cloudy day,
with my big elton john-
yves saint laurent vintage
- powder blue tinted-
sunglasses
and purple skirt
with morning cafe au laite.



#200