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in what was literally a split second of clarity i had the time to ask myself what am i really afraid of? to my surprise i answered back youre afraid of yourself because your not sure of yourself and dont know how to cope with reality. i pretend to be so smart but cant master myself. i dull down my accomplishments with exaggerated failure bucause when it comes down to it i dont know how to live just survive. im afraid if i were to climb out of this hole it would just hurt that much more when i fall again. i am prisoner to myself.

7:30 AM
Dude got his hands on real coffee. Yeah Man!!! It was instant and I filled half the cup with those grounds. Ha! Feels good to have that in me. This is day three of waking up feelin' good.

They don't turn the phones on until 11:00 AM. I just want to call my mom and tell her things are gonna be ok.

12:15 PM
I kinda have an attitude today. Its off and on. I ate lunch at the cafeteria by myself today. Started havin' thoughts that people are avoiding me. I don't think this is the case, if it is, fuck-em. I'm here for me. The 'tough guys' walkin' around don't fuck with me. I'm pretty tight with the black folks. Black folks are more real than these petty others.

When I get out of here I'm gonna fuck the shit out of one of my ex-girlfriends. She's just waitin' for me to get out. I'm not talking about 'M', she's dead to me.

I have NO sex drive up in here but when I get out I'm gonna do major fucking. Its weird, as I write that I know its not me. I'm not like that. I want a REAL relationship, not just a fuck buddy like 'M'. 'M' was real to me but I was just a stiff cock to her. Fuck her!

12:45 PM
I called to check on Shaman. They say he's doin' just fine.

On my way to group therapy. Let's see how this goes.

2:00 PM
Group was cool. It was a brief discussion on CBT.

A bunch of new folks arrived today. New faces, new perspectives. I like to be able to see through other people's eyes sometimes.

Its funny. We aren't allowed to have tea or coffee with caffeine in it but they have Mountain Dew in the vending machine. I've been drinking a shitload of that!

I was falling asleep in group so I think I need a nap. I'm allowed 1 valium a day so I'll take that before bed to insure I sleep.

Why do I like myself sometimes and hate myself at others?

5:30 PM
They have a computer room here. I asked my therapist if I could volunteer to teach basic computer skills to folks. I used to be a Technical Trainer for a large ISP. This would be good for me and good for others.

I was told that my discharge date will be September 9th. I think the time will go by quick.

I haven't hurt myself since that one time I put my cigarette out on my arm. I need to start caring about myself more. I really don't think I'm a bad person but, then again, I'm biased.

Fuck I've written a lot since I've been here. Poor Bluelight! My plan is to transfer all this to my blog. There's gonna be a lot of fuckin' entries!

I hope Pillthrill is doing ok. I don't have ANY phone numbers or addresses with me.

9:00 PM
They asked if I would speak at the 8:00 meeting tonight. I did but didn't feel like I had anything to offer. Apparently I did. It feels good.

8:45 AM
Five days clean now. People were thanking me for sharing my story at last nights meeting. One dude said that some stuff I was saying was a trigger for him. This is the place to be if you get hit with those triggers.

It really doesn't feel like a rehab here. There isn't much therapy, the only meetings we have are in our unit with our own unit members. This just means I gotta work harder when I get out.

12:30 PM
Its fuckin' boring in here. I would never recommend this facility. Its been around for ages but they must be getting complacent. The few meetings we have are bitch sessions. I had thoughts of walking out and living on the street until my discharge date in order to give my family the appearance that I've done the full program.

I feel angry for no apparent reason. I suspect I'll never get one-on-one therapy. Group therapy is just silly here. Its all up to me it looks like. I think I can do this. I WANT to do it but I feel like I'm wasting more time of my life just like I was wasting it getting high. Soon enough I'll be out.

2:15 PM
I have an appointment with the lady that reviews applications for those who want to volunteer. I'm looking to train basic computer skills to patients here. This place is fucked so I may as well throw in and help.

No education is required to be a Clinical Assistant (CA). They only require two years clean time.

5:25 PM
I've been approved to assist/tutor in the computer lab. They had me start right away. There was only one person there and apparently they only care about playing around with PrintShop. I want to help folks with file management, MS Word, MS Excel, etc. In time perhaps.

I think they put something in the food here. I haven't had a hard-on since being here, not even 'morning wood'. It works out though, I don't need to be all horny and shit hangin' here.

These two older women like to fuck with me. We talk sex and they say they're gonna tear my ass up. Makes me feel good since I really don't consider myself attractive.

Oh! A girl I was in detox with told me a dude in her unit had dope delivered. She was strong and told him to fuck off. I offered to beat him down but she doesn't want me to get charges. She's cute and gives great hugs. I dig her but thats not why I'm here. I don't think she digs me like that but maybe I'll catch her at a meeting someday.

9:30 PM
I'm in a rehab that doesn't have real 12 Step meetings. We have meetings in our unit but nobody has much clean time. So, once a day we hold a meeting. What I was expecting (and rightfully so) was that people with some clean time under their belts would come in and share how they did it. Beggars can't be choosers but, what the fuck? All that we do is smoke, watch TV, have group sessions that talk about insomnia, anger management, etc. and be bored.

I get to kill time from 3:00 to 4:00 tutoring in the computer lab but it is RIDICULOUSLY boring and behaviorally unproductive. I wonder if I can call my case worker at the county and see if I can relocate to another rehab. I'll call tomorrow.

Tonight was the last dose of valium that I'm permitted and I'm ok with that.

I'll be out soon enough. When I get out I'll make a brief appearance at the pizza shop to say 'hey' but then I gotta roll out. Changes need to be made and the pizza shop is one of them.

I'm tired. Good night.

Truly i was a child who forced himself to grow too fast. I was far too concerned about the destination i took little note of the journey. This is my biggest downfall could have at least observed the weathering first hand. Now all i do is look back and smile. Confounded by the past tense image of myself and how exactly i got here in this condition. Never really gave myself much room to grow always concerned with being one step ahead. In reality i was being left in the dust by my peers all the while telling myself that i am superior. A retrospect of everything reveals i succeeded in twisting up more and more stress all the while thinking about how much better it will be to be considered equal. I never gave myself enough slack wanted to be atlas with the world on my shoulders. If only i could have known that i was killing the child in myself. No one ever saw problems with this i kept the stress on chill couldn't let anyone see me weakened. Now i am grown somewhat and i now have the wisdom i so eagerly wanted but at such dire costs. If only i could have told myself to slow down a little that ill always have time to grow old but time to enjoy life is fleeting and you will wither and die inside if you keep this pace. I guess no point in looking back now to all of those eager to be something you are not just remember take it slow you dont want to lose yourself in your hurry. Let atlas be im sure the world can fend for itself a while.

I picked up my roommate I had in rehab and cruised over to a CA meeting in his area. It was cool. There were a bunch of guys he grew up with that are now clean there. Good people.

After the meeting we all went to this coffee house that holds meetings in the basement. It was karaoke night and it was PACKED with people in recovery.

I always isolate myself from others (whether I'm in recovery or in my addiction) and realize I need to break old/bad habits early in this game or I'll just end up fucking myself.

I was uncomfortable for most of the night hanging with so many strangers but eventually it got easier.

My rehab roommate is staying over tonight and we're gonna hit a meeting tomorrow during the day and then hit the meeting at the rehab tomorrow night.

His girl is still there and the girl I hooked up with there has two more weeks before discharge. We're excited we get to see them and they are excited they get to see us.

I know its dangerous to hook up with someone in rehab but these things happen (you'll read about my hook-up in my rehab journals)

Most likely the relationship with the girl I met will only be sexual but if it goes beyond that I won't complain. She's a good woman. We just need to be careful. Very careful. We still need to get to know each other much better. I don't want to interfere with her recovery and we both still have no idea who our real selves are so we NEED to keep other recovering addicts that have clean time around to keep us in check from bullshitting ourselves or, much worse, causing one or the other (or both) to relapse.

Anyway, its nice that I'm doing new things regardless of comfort level.

This is day two of my 90 meetings in 90 days. I've been clean before and never did a "90 'n' 90". This time around I NEED to follow suggestions. The "90 'n' 90" is one of them.

Caution must be exercised with this relationship even if it is just a sexual one.

Im ill, boo

It began with a real runny nose on Thursday accompanied by a sore mouth. Now I got a temperature, aches here and there and a cough to boot.

I'm staying in my room with some ganga and neurofen to beat it.

Last weekend was a long weekend here, so I headed to the Isle of Harris and stayed with two good friends who used share my house. I also got to meet my Kitty again, cause she moved with them. Here's some pictures, it's a beautiful place:
link-to-photos

Fucking cold, wet and windy but pretty. A few of those were taken in the fog on the summit of the highest mountain there. Had a few falls and got quite wet coming down (stoned) which I think is why I am sick now.

Ate lots of the freshest seafood every night and got drunk with K & G, my friends, every night before making an 18 hour bus, boat and car journey back to London.

Spent most of the week since dispatching a load of ebay sales - as I'm moving to Cambodia around the year end I am breaking one of my cars and selling lots of tools and rims and shit that's cluttering my life.

I spent all day yesterday removing the engine from one without the aid of any hoist or lifting gear and palleting it up. Got covered in oil from head to toe and left myself shattered but at least it's gone now.

I have a new West African housemate and a new Jamican housemate as of tho week and possibly a nice Trinidadian woman moves in next week, so it's all change here.

Except I'm still a lazy bastard who can't knockle down and do the final 80 hours of my ELT programme:D

I got to the facility at 11:00 am and sat in intake for 9 hours. They took a urine, checked my vitals, fed us a bag lunch, did a bag and body search, met with a nurse and then a doctor.

After all that I was taken to the non-hospital detox. People are cool here (with the exception of a couple of people who are here for the wrong reasons).

They give us Restorill at night to sleep and valium every 4 hours. I'm just taking the valium to sleep through the day.

I told them that I didn't need detox because I never had a physical habit to H. They wanted to put me on methadone. I told them AGAIN that I never had a physical habit and if they give me methadone that I'll just use it to get high and I'm not lookin' to get high. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER MONKEY ON MY BACK (its too crowded on my back right now as it is).

I watched Forrest Gump last night and felt tears comin' on. Why the hell am I turnin' into a girl up in here?

Yesterday morning my friend, Chris, was found dead in his bed by his father. He just got out of rehab again about a month ago and was trying to get his life back together for his little girl.

He was supposed to go to Justin and Angie's a few days ago for dinner, but he ended up not showing. When Justin asked him about it he said that he didn't even remember their conversation or anything. Justin thought about calling Chris' father to let him know to keep an eye on him but he didn't. Now Justin is beating himself up over this.

All we can do is speculate on what happened now. I can't believe this is happening.

Well it looks like I screwed shit up again. Well I wouldn't say that I did but of course in my families eyes I did. I swear, I hate always feeling like the black sheep of the family...and I bet if it was any of my other cousins it wouldn't have been that big of a deal at all.

What happened was I was watching the kids over my aunts house while she is in Las Vegas but I needed to cop tonight because I was sick all afternoon and couldn't even take care of the kids. I was lucky chuck got me well last night otherwise I would have been even worse. So what I did was ask Devin if he could watch his younger brother while I went to check on what was wrong with my car (it won't go in reverse). I felt ok leaving them for about an hour because Devin told me that he watched and took care of his brother all day yesterday. I couldn't take my car so I took my uncles truck which I will admit that wasn't smart but I drove safely and made sure my insurance was still active so it wasn't like I was doing this blindly. I made sure everything was ok and safe.

Once I got downtown and parked my grandpa called and bitched at me to get my ass home with the kids. I had to get my shit first though, I wasn't going to be sick. After scoring I didn't waste any time driving back to my aunts.

Upon arriving I saw my moms car was in the driveway so I knew this was bad news. When I got inside my mother was mad with me and kept asking where I went. I told her that I went to a place to ask about by car and to my friends to pick up some clothes (which he really did have some for me, but I really picked them up the night before). She kept going on about how mad everyone was, I still didn't get why though. If you look at the big picture nothing bad happened. Then my mom did something I never saw her doing. Mother accused me of being high. I told her I wasn't which was the truth but she said my eyes were red and if they really were then I have no idea why they were.

I then got the answer to my question about why my mom was accusing me of being high after she called my grandpa. While she was talking to him I heard her say "no dad he wasn't high" meaning my own grandpa was telling my mom I was out getting high. I bet this was all over the needles in the basement he found. Then to top it off my mom said it was ok for me to stay there with the kids but my grandpa insisted they stay with him or my mom tonight.

It just really pissed off no one in this family trusts me when I am a good person. I might have an addiction, but I have never let it hurt any of my family directly. It's like only my mom can see the good intentions I really have.

I went to an NA meeting tonight. I was uncomfortable.

I shared that I was fresh outta rehab and that I typically get uncomfortable before and after meetings (not during). When I'm uncomfortable I get in my head. When I'm in my head I want to use.

I let folks know that I was concerned about coming home tonight because I had spikes at my house.

After the meeting a dude followed me home and stood by while I flushed my weed (GASP!!!!) and wrapped my spikes in multiple bags (after bending them).

I was concerned about disposal and dude said he would take them to the hospital and have them dispose of them.

Wow.

9:10 AM
Woke up this morning feeling good. Weird. Last night I was burning myself with cigarettes. Today I feel alright in my own skin.

Today is the first day that I'm allowed in the cafeteria. Food is edible and I ran into a home group member from when I was in NA. That was cool.

I was thinkin' some harsh shit about 'M' last night. I guess I'm just disappointed. I love(d) herbut she is lookin' for someone like her best friend's man. I'm me, not him. When the time is right, a good woman will be around when I'm supposed to have a good woman. 'M' isn't an option. She probably told her family the whole story about me. They're old school Germans who showed me love but after she tells them my deal I'll never be accepted into that wonderful family. There are plenty of good families out there and I am a good person.

4:15 PM
There's drama goin' on in here. Someone got hold of some K-pins and some folks took them. Staff is investigating the shit.

This young buck came outside where I was smokin' and said "Why you fuckin' snitchin'?!?!"

I jumped in his face and said, "You callin' me a snitch motherfucker?". I was ready to toss him through the glass window.

He says, "Nah, I say that to everyone. I'm just fuckin' around."

Dude, you ain't fuckin' around. 'Snitch' is a strong word. Spread rumors about me when I'm tryin' to get well and I'll tear your fuckin' throat out with my teeth. Dude has no idea. I keep to myself. You guys wanna get high up in here, go ahead. Leave me out of it. I just wanna get out of this detox unit and into the rehab part.

I'm worried about what I'll do if this little pussy gets in my face. This kid might be 20 or 21 years old. He's spoiled and probably never had his ass kicked. I can't get kicked outta here over stupid shit. I want to get better.

Oh! I woke up happy today! That hasn't happened in a long time.

I just took my valium and can have one more before bed in addition to the Restorill so I can zonk out and start another day. I hope they put me in the rehab unit tomorrow. I never had a physical habit so I hope the therapist sees that.

We had a group session today and there's a patient that has a service dog for her vision problem. I asked if I could pet him and she said 'Sure'. That dog licked my face until it was wet! Reminded me of my dog who loves to lick my face and bald ass head.

I miss Shaman. I can't wait to get out and start making up for all the neglect from my using. Me and him are gonna go to dog parks, many walks and play toys outside.

I hope you're doing ok my friend. Daddy will be home soon! Your belly is gonna be scratched so well when I get out.

Well, time for some push-ups. I wanna look good when I get out of here. I wanna fall in love with someone and start my life again. Apparently I have assets that women like:
1) Never been married
2) Never had kids

I'm aware that its early in this yet so my wants and needs will be changing often.

Oh! Fuck 'M'. Keep on runnin' from the difficult things. You never loved me.

6:10 PM
At dinner I asked some staff members what kind of education is required to work here. They said none. Two years clean time is required but they always accept volunteers. Options, options, options.

Right now I have to wait 5 hours to go to bed. I could go now but I rely on the valium and Restorill to keep me asleep. I can't be awake in the middle of the night and not be allowed to smoke... ...so I wait.

I trusted you with my heart. You said I could be myself and that you were safe to take chances with exposing my emotions. You called me a liar. Look at you, I cried ONCE to you and the next day you just dropped me like all those other pieces of shit you fucked. I always suspected you only cared about having someone to fuck without worrying about STD's. Why didn't you just say that in the first place? I don't just fuck. I do fuck but its something that is done with someone you love. Sorry we didn't have mutual love. Live and learn, right? Good luck with your fuck fests, coward.

Woke up to a loud speaker to have vitals taken. Took my valium to sleep through until the next dose so I can sleep. I just wanna get out of this unnecessary detox and get on to rehab itself.

So far a dude got caught with a cell phone, another dude got caught with Kolonopins and another dude keeps screamin' about twenty bucks that was apparently stolen.

A girl in here gave her methadone to some other girl who was dope sick. I told the nurse that I thought I actually did need methadone so I could tongue it and give it to the girl who gave hers away. They shot me down.

I'm bored and I miss my dog. I have no thoughts on my ex. Have a nice life 'M'. I will. Shit, I might even get laid up in here. Sex sucks for me if I can't go down on a girl. I ain't stickin' my dick in somethin' I can't eat.

I already want to leave. This detox is unnecessary and boring. I want to get high. I want to see my dog.

I WANT OUT OF HERE!

I want to go back to Colorado and turn my back on everyone. I want a TRUE friend (not that false friendship I had with 'M')

I WANT TO SEE MY DOG! He is a true friend.

FUCK EVERYONE!!!

9:00 PM
NOTE TO SELF: If I go through this shit again, remember to bring all one dollar bills. Assholes don't have a change machine in the detox unit and the vending machines only take ones. I almost was able to reach up inside the machine and grab some snacks but its not that important. Skinny dude said he could do it but I didn't want no one gettin' in trouble for an eighty-five cent Bear Claw.

They don't feed us enough here in the detox unit but in the rehab unit you can eat enough to keep ya goin'.

Oh! I had no idea valium was water soluble! I hear it gives a tiny rush when injected but its too late in the game for new firsts in the quest for gettin' high.

Time for another type of new firsts:
1) A woman that actually cares
2) A time when I actually give a fuck about myself
3) Can't think of anything else

I just gotta get out of this unit and get to the rehab unit. Time will fly by then and I'll actually be able to eat enough food to keep my stomach from growling.

I'm gonna eat a shitload of salads when I get to the next unit.

I had thoughts of punchin' one of the walls to break my hand and get discharged but all I need to do is get to the rehab unit. Two more days and I'll be on my way to gettin' better.

I still gotta get someone to clear all the shit outta my house (weed, beer, spikes).

Nothing is being accomplished in this unit except for a fondness for valium and a hungry stomach.

There are some good people here. I can do without the patients that think they are counselors. They don't know, they just recite NA/AA literature. I can memorize shit too but that doesn't mean I ever practiced it. Ain't no one better than anyone in here.

I never worried about food before this because was never hungry. I have an appetite now and am fuckin' hungry.

To 'M',
You fuckin' hurt me with your cold hearted text. Fuck you. Fuck your little friends that have no idea about us except for the drama you tell them. Didja ever tell them the good things about me? About us? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck more anonymous strangers. Happiness isn't through your pussy, sweetheart. Go ahead and chase after that cock. I'm never touching you again. If you ever contact me, I'll say everything I can to make you cry. I thought you were a friend. Fuck you. I used to be spellbound by you but I was actually spellbound by who I thought you were. Now go get some dick. Chase after it like I chased after drugs. I no longer wish you happiness. You'll never find it listening to your close-minded skeptical friends. "I'm out. I'm done." Fuck you, asshole.

12:15 AM
I picked up a wonderful new habit on my full day of unnecessary detox. Fuck ashtrays. I use my arm to put my cigarettes out on. I NEED TREATMENT NOT NEGATIVE OUTLETS FOR MY AGGRAVATION. Where are these tools they say say are available to help deal with things? I was close to punching a brick wall today. This place is not helping me. Everyone is still manipulating the system to get high. Trading methadone for valium, spitting liquid valium in each others mouths so they can get higher. I came here for help but I'm just learning new games to play. I refuse to play these games. I DO WANT TO HURT MYSELF STILL. I'M JUST LOOKING AND FINDING NEW WAYS TO DO SO.

I'm waitin for the bus from rehab to pick me up to start this thing

I'll be in detox for 2 to 5 days and then rehab for 14 days.

I'm glad I won't be away from my dog for as long as I suspected. I miss him already.
Last night I shot a gram and a half of coke, drank 3 beers and smoked weed

I never got rid of my spikes and I have weed stashed at home. I'm gonna have to get a friend to get rid of that shit when I get out

I've been to meetings at the rehab they are placing me in. It has been around for a long time and has a good rep.

I smoked weed before coming to this place. I'm glad cause I'm nervous. I'm kinda scared too. I'm gonna have to make a lot of changes in my thinking and behavior. They'll give me the tools I need to do this, I just need to use them

See ya's when I get out

Survival:
* a state of surviving; remaining alive
* a natural process resulting in the evolution of organisms best adapted to the environment
* something that survives
source

When I think of the word survival I think of a more recent time in my life.....
Throughout my life I have lived through rape, sexual assault, drug addiction,falling off of a cliff, a car accident, abuse of all kinds, lies and manipulation by the people I have loved, brainwashing, countless times of taking too much of something and near death experiences.........
But none of that seems like 'survival'.....even though it fits the definition.....

A little over a year ago, in only a few short months, my mother had a heart attack (she is okay now), I finally got pregnant (after 5-6 yrs of trying/not preventing and 2 fertility treatment cycles) and then lost the baby on Mothers Day, no less.My husband had a psychotic episode (he has schizoaffective disorder) and for more than three months he was in and out of complete psychosis........
Throughout all of this I was expected to keep our life together and work and function as a normal person while trying to settle my husbands medical care and disability, care for him at home and care for myself......
The caring for myself was almost impossible.....
I had so much anxiety from not dealing properly with the death of my baby b/c I had to care for my husband so soon after the miscarriage, that I developed an eye twitch and was asked to take at least a week off of work b/c I was going crazy......a few months go by and we moved and he drank as much alcohol as he could find and we separated due to him becoming a devil combining benzos and alcohol and me not being able to function b/c of my stress levels.....
We got back together and have this amazing renewed love for each other...a new appreciation and a stronger bond than we have ever had.......
When I think of survival, I think of that.
That full year of complete hell.
I survived it...........and I am better for it.
I grew from it.........

Well I have to go to work in about a half an hour...

I am trying to do me, but sometimes it is hard. It's hard enough when I am trying to take customer's drink orders and all their drunk asses can do is talk about what they think my pussy tastes like. And a lot of the employees are the same way too. I almost want to quit my job because of it. They think it's okay to slap my ass and ask me to get a motel with them after work all the time. And now my manager is in on it too... the other day some of the cooks were screaming how they want to go in the back room and fuck, and then my manager came in and said, "Shut the fuck up, I told you guys to leave her alone, she's mine! You can have any other one but her, Brittany's mine!" and he said it in front of everyone too, so now all the other girls that work there are acting funny toward me because they think that my manager and I have something going on! It's so embarrassing! And it's not like I can be like, "he's the one coming on to me, I don't want anything to do with him!" because what if it gets back to him.....
so I'm nervous about going into work today. I'm sick of this shit! It is really starting to make me hate men!!

And I have a lot of anxiety... I've noticed this since I've kicked dope. My face will turn beat red all the time over nothing. The smallest things will make me embarrassed. Well it doesn't help that all the guys at work treat me like I'm a fucking object. I can't wait until I meet a good guy around here...

When I got home last night my Uncle was drunk across the street so I talked to him. Well, he made me cry. He kept talking about how my Father has done all the things he's done for me because he wanted me to have a better life than they had. Yes, I do feel bad. When my Mother was removed from the house a while ago, there was a lot of things my Dad should have done and could have done. This is something that has bothered me for a while. But now I realize that it is not all about me. I put myself in my Father's shoes and I realize that he was in a relationship, he was hoping for her to get better. I understand this now...
In the past, if you didn't do heroin then I didn't want anything to do with you. I really need to try to get rid of that mindset. At work I was talking with this girl, and she was telling me how she doesn't do drugs. So I was thinking, "Well she doesn't do drugs so I'm not hanging out with her then." But then I had to really sit back and think... I mean yeah, it would be great if I could meet a connection... but would it really? I don't want to disappoint my Father anymore and hurt him... but I feel awkward around all the "goody goody" girls. I really need to change something here...

Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Happy B-day Dave!
Woooooohooooooooo!!!!!!

Hope you have delicious German Chocolate Cake!

o hai

The other day was kind of awkward. The day before I got busted with some old rigs and my grandpa was pissed because it was my little brother who found them, not to mention he started getting suspicious that I was using again...which sadly wasn't all too far from the truth. Funny thing though, he told me he wouldn’t have cared if it was a bag of weed yet he took my small marijuana pipe that was in the same hiding place instead of my needles. What the hell? You’d think he would take the syringes.

Then today ugh, I woke up sick. Thought about taking some Suboxone but I made exactly enough to get a half so I went and picked up. While we were copping I noticed the driver my connection was riding with was this guy Nam that I sold a sub to awhile back. We started talking and to be quite honest he was pretty chill, more then I was expecting. Also in the car with me was this girl named Audi, we didn’t realize it right away but me and her had met previously and had even done dope together before. After putting the pieces of the puzzle together we remembered each other and she invited me over her place to get well but it took us three hours before we even got our dope. Once we were done fixing she then offered to smoke a bowl of chronic with me.

I left about eight and came back home and crashed out for the rest of the night.

Gggg

Below is a short list of Theme ideas-

Place your vote now (as a comment here) and I will tally 'em up in 3 days time and reveal your September Theme!

* Colo(u)r
* Travel
* Happiness
* Life
* Survival
* Pets
* Family


Yes, The September Theme will start a tad bit late, but we will survive.

today, I got the wonderful task of putting a 17 year old girl in a bodi bag, after she jumped in front of a subway. I had to do it because law says soldiers must aid police in lawful acts if requested, and the cops where too squeemish.

reading her suicide note made me cry, and I still am.

fuck the world.

Good eve bl,..

Check out this video of the show I was at last night:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOG4OzRyyeo

My friend Em and I (em is a guy btw), we found a funny hotel that was a Castle --- Marne





Yea wasnt kidding... Seriously.

We both share the whole spouse issues----
and got a room with a hot tub.


6 grey goose and tonics, 2 joints, 3 bowls later ---we hot tubbed, and passed out in our pillow like bed.
Totally innocent so you know.

Em and i have been buddies for like 4 years or something.
--------------


today i smoked and watched the National Geographic special on the Gospel of Judas, and Decoding Maya Kings via Surf the channel... was so stoned passed out at seven

and I wake to still yet an empty house.

Things havent been so good with m and i as of recent.

I'd fondly say to friends we work amazingly well together and fight well together too.

I could choose to just let it all roll off my back and say its OK,, but it isnt.

Addictive, cyclical,

circle of a pattern in your emotions and behavior

is not OK. It is not OK...

A mirror of compulsive illusion is not real!

After 6 years of asking nicely-

-- I am not marrying someone who isnt attempting to resolve

deep seeded emotional traumas.

I have been asked a dozen times to do mescaline this summer--- how could I be expected to say yes! ???

There was a time, that my intuition and strong insight was respected and weighted...

now i feel discarded because it doesn't align with his ideals at this time.

not sure what to say about this little morningglory vine- but it aint doin so well.
===========

Ironic the thing that bothers me the most about the situation I am allowing engulf me.

Mind you,
I am the kind of person that wont smoke a J after midnight cuz of mental hangover the next day at work. Trust me when I am ---it is devastating to me, I am devastated.

So ignored and that I have told myself "he is so brilliant he will figured it out eventually" ...

Eventually is now, and now I am pissed--- I feel robbed in some ways of my humility.

some fucking thief stole my heart and some treasure along with it.

1) snorting so much Xanax 1mg pills. i remember going to my Grandma's in the Southern Tier and it was summer and I kept sniffing in like I had a terrible cold. My nasal passages seem to have recovered somewhat from that time, but still it runs easily when I expose myself to cold---quicker than it did before.

2) Smoking gel fentanyl off of tin foil. I took a bunch of hits of this harsh shit. Something about that plastic hazardous taste just made me believe it was horrible for my lungs.

3) Injecting a HEATED Dilaudid pill. The small amount of powder dissolved readily into the small 0.3mL of water, but I still heated it up to "kill any bacteria". I didn't know how stupid this really was. The liquid turned more viscous --- not quite a jelly, but still...

September's Theme is Survival!!!



Lets hear your tales!