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So my girlfriend and myself have been going through rapid changes as we leave our opiate addiction behind us. She is on week 3 off methadone and is finally healthy and wants to have a happy future without drugs... but also maybe without me.

I knew she was feeling different, you dont spend 6 years with someone every day and not know they are feeling off. I thought it was the methadone and kept thinking, tomorrow will be better, but Monday she said what i feared.

She said that she didnt love me anymore, a convocation we had before when she was withdrawing or when there were other factors this time i can see the conviction and tell she means it. She has been on edge and will try to fight with me via emails or texts because she is interpreting my messages wrong but i am coming to terms with it.

Today i told her "i understand" and i finally mean it. She has changed so much in a year from a former IV heroin addict to a wonderful clean highly motivated person, as have i. The problem is before we got into opiates we were 1-1.5 years into the relationship and now its 5 years later and i know she wants the passion, romance and unique experiences we had together again now that she is clean. I fully understand she is the phoenix that rose from the ashes of a live ruined by heroin and its time i step back and let her fly away.

I spent so many years worried we would end up like candy and dan from "candy" that i would wake up or come home from work with her mom thinking she was with me or finding her dead from her body giving up or her choosing to end it. I get the distinct pleasure of doing what i intended, not letting that happen and causing her to grow into the person she was meant to. I knew that might mean her leaving me but i unfortunately grew closer to her because she became who i knew she was. For the first time i know she will be ok i know that the lessons she learned are real i can see confidence in her eyes and she talks about how hot she is and how she can do anything (way different from when we met) I just wanted to be a part of her future because i love her and she loves me like a friend.

I have been in this position before and last time i spent 2 years in a drunken haze desperately trying to figure out why the last one stopped loving me, at least this time i understand. As hard as it is to accept i understand it which is something to be thankful for.

Most people walk around trying to change the person they are with, we didnt change each other but we definitely helped the other become themselves. Through our heroin addiction we learned who we truly are and i know she wants to show the world who she is and see what they think of it, i know thats what this is all about at its very most basic.

I once said to her "i never believed in an afterlife but because of you i dont want to be alone in the ground i want to believe we will find each other, as we have in the past and will in the future." I hope if she chooses to leave me we will find each other again, as new people willing to start over. I will not hold out or dwell on it but my connection to her is so great i cant imagine it leaving me. I know i will be ok and i am reinforced by knowing she will be, the one thing i always wanted... her to be happy.

So this makes a week after my g/f said she wasnt sure if we could be together. In this week I managed to go from shock and disbelief to acceptance in about 5 days. When she first said this to me it stung in ways you cant imagine. It was an emotional shit storm that ending in crying and then sex, as i said i wasnt sure if i could perform because the methadone, even though i am on 20mg... i dont know i guess the years of not really thinking about and almost forgetting how to initiate it and everything it had been a while and part of the whole thing was me apologizing because i dont feel like a man how i was asking my mom to help me pay for a doctors appointment to see if i have an issue with testosterone. But after that i feel normal again like i had a sex drive and failed to understand what it was... like how if you develop an eating disorder you can forget what hunger is.

Anyway during this week i got a hair cut, have long hair got it tamed and cut to my shoulders. But i went to a barber and got that and my beard done bought cologne got new clothes I did all of that for her i suppose but really it was because i do understand that if i am going to move on i dont have the time to wallow in self pity like when i was young I have a set plan and must accomplish what i set out to do. Not saying i have to conceal my emotions and hide but i need to continue to move forward regardless.

So this week was great we did a lot of things, lunch and fun things. But more importantly she did the one thing that would not happen any other way, she forced me to view her as a person and not someone i have an undying love for. I still love her dearly but seeing her as a person well it reinforced how i feel rather then removing it but in that it also allowed me to fully accept her new personality.

You must understand as of now she has no real friends, no job, doesnt do much... she has a solid future plan, takes care of herself and desires a good future. Its hard when you were IVing heroin for 3 years those first 3 things come with time after finding the power in yourself. But anyway to say she was going to leave me to doom herself to no contact with the one person who does understand, i have never seen a bigger act of courage and desire to move forward in someone. She burned all of her past where it lie with a huge fire and rose from the ashes a new person.

So at lunch yesterday, the designated deciding day, i told her "i am happy for the first time in a long time, i dont fear tomorrow, i dont care about money, i dont feel stringed to my job and everyones bitch i feel like me again. I know i will be happy whatever happens, whatever happens with us, i have come to see that i can not stop the Phoenix from rising from the ashes of a past life nor would i want to" as i held her hand and smiled at her. I wish i had a camera for the look she gave me she was totally not expecting me to say that at that moment. I think maybe she thought i was saying those first bits as reasons to stay and she looked like she was going to fall over but regained herself back and asked if it was time to leave and i said "sure"

Last week she told me we werent to do anything physical because she wasnt sure what she wanted. She said she didnt want to hurt either of us by doing that, well last night we had the most passionate night we have had in forever. It ended with me saying "i love you... oh, sorry" and she smiled and said "i love you too" we said our goodbyes and i left.

I dont know where we go from here but i meant what i said, my Phoenix finally ready to leave her life of sadness behind. I couldnt begin to express how happy i am for her and if her future is without me at least i can know its with happiness.

I use to cry and say "i am sorry we got into heroin i guess my desire to make you happy went awry, i didnt mean for this" now if i need to let go i can say "i am sorry it had to be this way, i just wanted you to be happy and for once i can see you are and you will be ok as will i"

My Phoenix, I never thought we would get to the point where you would grow so confident as to leave me. I always wanted this for you and if it means stepping back and watching you fly away i know i can i know i can someday smile knowing that i helped you through a dark time, there was once a time i was worried I would tell a tale of lost love how i ruined someone with a poor decision, no longer am i burdened by a painful reality and no longer will i stop your light from shining for as you shine so do i.

Operation break up with NF complete. Thank fuck for that.

Its been a while. I've crossed over to being a real junky now, its not cute anymore.

I hope that other people get this addiction thing faster than I did, this shit is real and it is fucking destructive in à way I couldn't previously commprehend. I live under a freeway in Oakland in a tent where I slam meth and black tar heroin into my femoral vein (but not before popping a fist full of benzos!). I hallucinate on a daily basis that my friends are trying to kill me (that's meth!) and I got hep c at least.

All I can say is LEGALIZE HEROIN. Its the only solution I can see.

For fuck sake.

The NHS won't help "yet". (I've beeen pestering old and new surgery to SORT IT OUT since November,they still haven;t sent over my records!)

Private healthcare WONT FUCKING help (I'm a liability!)

I can't even the fucking "Rape Line" Or "Abuse Line" to FUCKING WORK. The god damn police referred me to both. They SAY they are 6.30pm - 9pm at the moment (usually 24/7), but NOBODY IS FUCKING ANSWERING.

God... damn... !!!

I can't believe I've been to hospital countless times, (woken up with IVs etc )
Passed out/ had apparently SEIZURES in front of countless professionals,

and they did nothing.. (didn't look into it, just treated symptoms with I.V, drugs for related problems (e.g antipsychotics for frustration and memory problems!!), they didn't refer me to someone who was trained in the right field (neurologist)... argggghhhhhhkjdhkdghid

I had to fucking work it out myself!! (Veryyyyy hard as you don't remember 99% time! You just wake up on the floor/ somewhere, with no recollection of where you are/ how you got there, etc.. ) It's taken me more than THREE GOD DAMN YEARS.

God damn, the NHS sucks.. (Not all, but the "care" I had as a fricking tax payer = ridiculous. )
I want to get private healthcare, so I can receive -GOOD TREATMENT-. Can't afford it though, meh... Might ask for it for my family for my bday present? (My bday is on the 14th)..

Wondering, should I do that before I see an NHS neurologist??? Hm..

- Don't be gullible, let others take advantage of you and keep forgiving them.
- Don't repress your feelings, let others boss you around (when you know they're being assholes!) and learn how to stand up for yourself!
- Learn how to detect the typical traits of sociopaths/ psychos. Any signs- stay the hell away!!
- Don't try and overdose on pharms. It most definitely won't work. You'll just end up (at best)- passed out for days. Not so good- with brain damage, memory problems, have a seizure, have a stroke, be paralysed, etc. It will most likely just screw you up long term, both mentally and physically.
- DON'T GIVE UP. Don't let the dark side win. Whatever has happened, you can and will laugh and feel happy again if you hang in there.

--

God damn. I wish I wasn't so naive, had such a low self esteem and lack of confidence when I was 19. I would do anything to go back in time and change what happened. If I never met my ex, I'd have my health, my degree, a career, friends, a normal happy life! Maybe even in I could of got married to someone, have kids, grow old?

God damn. I hate myself so much right now for choosing this life instead. I know I'm lucky not to have pneumonia like the last few years, but to be honest, I wish I had it. There's a 1/ 25 chance of having a natural end. I don't want to see a neurologist, go in horrible MRI and CAT scan machines and shit. If I had a life, friends, etc and it was one thing- fair enough. I'd do it. However, I've got myself into a position of having multiple, physical and mental problems. I can't deal with it.

God damn it. I hate the lack of available help/ knowledge the NHS has sometimes. I really really wish I could speak to a therapist this month, but I've moved, and am on a waiting list which takes over 6 months, so no chance. How sad, that so many people get seasonal depression, but can't see anyone about it, and end up committing suicide as well. If I make it through this, I will do everything in my power to change this!
I have found someone private, I've booked them on the 22/12, but it's so expensive it means I'll have no money leftover.

Oh, and is this a messed up sign or what? I thought I got rid of all the pregabs and betablockers, but when I was cleaning tonight, found at least a 100+ pills, and some needles. I tried to OD on pregabs 22/12/13, but ended up with bell's palsy. Betablockers though, they nearly worked twice before. I was so close. I am trying to take my own advice to not do it, so badly. It feels like they have already won though. I'm a laughing stock, a freak. Better off gone. I need to finish what I started. FUCK SAKE! I don't know what to do.

Mental fucking tug of war. 2 days.

i hate this.

NF and I became official. Big mistake. Need to end it stat. Urghhhh now for the talk.

1) FUCKING DIE ALREADY. i don't care any more, i refuse to be scared of dying. (death- go suck your own dick plz). i just want the chronic physical god damn untreatable bullshit to stop already. i've forced myself to try and have a last few laughs, have met lovely people, im ready now for eternal peace.

2) i refuse to wake up in god damn hospital again. i wish people would just leave me if they find me unconscious (thanks, but seriously why bother getting an ambulance? waste of time.. others need it.. ) i hate being a patient in hospital with a passion, it's not fun being around other people dying/ in distress. i can hear them scream in fear and cry, it's horrible.

3) arghhh i wish my body would just quit trying to fight, and stop already. meh. it bloody won't (yet). do i really need a one way ticket to swiitzerland? (it would be awesome and i'd do it if i could ski/ board like i used too first, but noooo, shitty body can't handle the cold, can you? )

this is so messed up, i know. i'm not depressed, i just want the pain to STOP PLEASE. lungs are fucked so might as well get it over with? and donate the rest that works? (help some others before it's all useless). i want a DNR but i don't think i'm bloody allowed one, ffs. thank god for illegal shit, haha. i dont want to use dope as that'll make it harder for my family. (and i knew it was unfair on them to see them again). morphine for the win. meh. few more days of this bullcrap and i give up. i'll try and cheer up as many people till then.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, it's working (most of the time). Need to keep focused on trying to be healthy and helping those who need it most (not assholes). It's weird speaking to people again and leaving the house past my comfort zone. I'm not used to it. I know I'm probably making a huge asshole of myself trying to speak to people, I just don't really give a shit any more though.

I've reported the guy who.. was a domestic abusive asshole, and wouldn't let me talk to friends, go anywhere other than work and would check up on me or do anything or have any freedom (no phone, internet etc). I know he's the route cause of my anxiety, agoraphobia, flashbacks, depression and substance abuse.

The flashbacks are bad in december, especially on 12/12, 22/12, 29/12 and 30/12. It's like it was yesterday, ugh. I've always been ashamed of myself of this, I've never have been able to talk about it (or think about it) without breaking down, till recently.
the guy was on an electronic tag from the police for doing something horrible, and took his anger out on me.

Awesome memories
-Coming home from work, and him being drunk as hell. I asked how he was. He screams "how do you fucking think I am, you stupid bitch!!" and throws the dinner I got him at me, followed by a chair and then --
- Him pinning me down, laughing at me being scared.. "haha, i could fucking rape you, you stupid bitch".. blah blah.. headbutting, punching, hitting.
- My housemate hearing, and calling the police throughout december. I only remember one time, which is messed up :/
- On the 22nd of december (have vivid flashbacks of this every stupid anniversary)
He had knocked me out, and I was bleeding pretty bad from my head/ear and shit when they came over. I was fucking terrified, as he had said that if I spoke, he'd murder my family (and me) as soon as he got out. He was on a suspended sentence. He said he "had to get away from his old town as he stabbed someone and left them for dead", and he would do it to my family if I grassed..
-The police asked me 40 questions, which I shook my head no for each one. (police: please speak to us, we can't do anything if you don't.)
Meh.
- After the police went, I went to the docs as my head + ear were bleeding and I was in horrific pain. The doc laughed and said it looked like I got punched by Mike Tyson. (don't try and be a comedian if your a doc, please. it made me scared to go back.)
-When I walked back from the docs, the admin staff from the docs phone me and said "you need to go to a&e".. so, i walk up there, get taken in. I could hear other people screaming. I've never been so alone in my whole life. it was horrible. i had nothing on me to distract me.

-After I chucked him out of my house after he went crazy again, and I spent 22/12/10 s in hospital (cheers for the head injury, ruptured blood vessels and shit pal). Then got out, got the bus back (from miles away as I had to be transferred to another hospital to stick a needle in my ear and suck the blood/ crap out).
I don't know how, but as SOON as I get off the bus, he appears out of nowhere and follows me home. He wouldn't leave me alone. He forced is way in.

-On the 29/12 he flips badly again, throwing a chair at me and standing over me smashing me with the leg.
I finally try and stand up, PICK his fucking tag box and chuck it out my back door (it led to my neighbours, who he was cheating on me at the time). meh.
on the 30/12, he picks up a brick and throws it through the back door, and stomps up to me and does x, y and z.


for the next 8 months, he would get drunk, come round and smash my door open, break the windows/ doors etc, and come up stairs and find me. :/

meh. the neighbour he got with, and moved in with, he did the same thing to her.. (i tried to warn her, she told him, so he came for me).


gotta love first relationships and young love. :/ ugh.

Lying in my plastic bed, Thinking how things weren't so cool to me.
My baby likes to shoot pool,
I Like lying naked in my bedroom.
Trying on the dinosaur tonight,
It used to be so cool too.

Now I've got the needle,
And I can shake,
But I can't breath.
I take it away, but I want more and more.
One day I'm gonna lose the war.

I found myself humming that too myself on the way to the mdone clinic this morning. I have now made that drive 210 days in a row. The reward for my persistence is 140mg of cherry tasting defeat which I gulp down greedily every time. It suppresses the voice inside my soul that tells me there is nothing on this planet for me except heroin. Suppress not eliminate, and the last few days that voice has been screaming in my ear incessantly. I need to get high. I have been trying to drown it with methadone, benzos and weed for 210 days.

I fantasize about strong rushes and warm deep nods. The perfect shot, just the right shade of golden brown inside the barrel. A flash of deep red blood lets me know that everything is about to be ok. Then I come back to reality. I never can get high in my dreams. The ultimate cock tease, at least I cum when I dream about sex. Next to this sex seems so unrefined. After all I take my pleasure strait to the central nervous system thank you.

But,
- I've managed to taper down to 15mls of methadone (with pharmacist, not seeing doc till jan),
- I am also off the insane amount of conflicting medication.. (SNRIs, betablockers, antibiotics, steroids for chest infections, benzos, etc).

Last night I smoked some THC, and had 2 pregabs, and guess what?
-My chronic pain in legs is fucking gone! (Genetic muscular problem. My dad loves thc for the same reason!)
- I can walk without pain! Yay!! :D
- Physical stress symptoms from the ANS have calmed down, I feel in control! The immense stress, weird horrible intrusive ptsd flashbacks + my inability to deal with it, have goneeeee. :D
-I'm not drug fiending for it, or anything else. I'm till clean from h + c.

Only down side is: I feel a bit wobbly (from just 2!) pregabs- wtf haha?!- but i don't care- there's no more physical or mental stress, NO impending doom feeling when I woke up! Holy shit!! :O :D
(Now I've tapered down to 2mg of benzos, I might casually mention the benefits of restarting my pregab script . I really think they'll help me get out the last 2mg of diazepam)

-Time to research pregabs to hell (and hopefully to get over my phobia of getting bells palsy from it again. )
-Try and get strong enough/ make mine up about reporting domestic abusive shit to the police. (Scared of him hurting my family, coming after me again). Meh- what do I do?
I want him to NEVER hurt another person (he literally would try and fight ANY man in the street, just for looking at him the wrong way. ) (With women, he puts on this fake charm, gets them to trust him, then ruins everything they have- money, ability to speak to friends and family, any possessions (he broke my guitar, phone, guitar). He isolates women, the does whatever he wants to them (such as taking out his anger on them). He makes death threats on family for speaking/ trying to get out. ugh.. (probs why I can't trust and struggle to speak).

Meh, the police want me to do a video statement, for court. It won't go in the news, will it? :/ I'm scared he will come for my family.

-Really, really need to get over stupid fear/ hatred of shopping in town, so I get presents. Wish I just ordered them all online, doh.

Just thougt I'd post a fuckin blog for the wintertime season.....4 17 A.M. here...fuck I should go to sleep...been drinkin and smokin bud tonight listening to music....typing this on my phone so have to keep editing...lol. Anyway, peace to al you crazy fuckin Bluelighters and to all a good niiight

every ounce of flailing tendencies scattered like so many duffle bags of memories. it's enough to make a person buy a house for all these faceless non-tangibles. stuff them in a sack for bounty. blunt force guided with inaccuracies while maintaining the natural cadence of the yesterday. too bitter for the morning. too much in on the outs, i say.
savor the rest on the morrow.
try a hand at the back burner's delight, it's not going anywhere.

ha, we all know better than that

Okay, so I'm clean from insane amounts of heroin, crack, benzos. I do miss not having to deal with life, buttt:

- Music sounds and feels SO FUCKING GOOD not on opiates?! Blasting it and feeling the vibrations is actually orgasmic, haha. I didn't appreciate how god damn good it was before!
- Driving is fucking so fun! I am immensely loving driving at the moment. I want a motorbike so badly, I don't give a shit, I need one so I can feel the engine revving mmmm.
- I can feel emotions again?! (Fucking scary/horrible/shit at times, but the rest of the time- fucking so happy to have serotonin, adrenaline, dopamine pumping through me again :D - little things, make me SUPER fucking happy at the moment, is that normal? haha ) I need to get used to feeling things again, I know I'm all over the place at the moment and seem proper manic.
- Regained my love of weed, hash, vaping, socialising, animals, playing instruments, making websites, gaming, learning shit. Good times and I don't feel guilty/ shit doing these activities. (Or have w/ds from them, whattt?! haha)
- Nice people DO exist?! (I've just been hanging out with people not really with it/ well, I guess?). I've met such lovely, kind and supportive people since I started speaking again. I'm so glad I got over my people phobia, nice + funny people keep brightening up my days.

I cannot wait for December to be over, for spring and summer to come. Hurry up please!! I miss being able to go outside, going to awesome places, taking photographs, travelling. I reckon I'd be okay/ better in a warmer climate. Time to get my shit together, get this damn vaping website going, make and save some ££ so I can get the hell out of this country.

--
I need to go to hospital today, just for an ECG. I'm trying really hard not to be scared, just go and get it done. Then, another day, go see the neurologist, get the scan done. I need to find out why I have no memory/ have seizures. Hopefully, it's just from benzos and not my brain or heart. I've been on 2mgs a day since '14 though, so .. wtf? Ah. I know there's no point getting worked up or depressed about it, it's been going on for ages, I've just been too ashamed to admit it.
I'm just going to take some music, something to read and my vaporiser. It'll be okay, right? I won't have to go through anything too horrible. One thing at a time. Argh. Fucking hospitals.

Long story short guys, i'm 27 pages deep in a journal in which i've been writing in every day since being 'out of town',
Someday when I have time I will edit, and copy word for word and post my entries in my blog. Until then, keep up the good work guys, if it wern't for keeping a journal from day 1. I wouldn't even know what led up to this 'out of town' experience.



D's

Sorry for ruining your vagina 40 years ago this Saturday.

Let's face it, I was worth it.

One of the best things about working in France is that you get 45 or so days off per year. That is not including government holidays like Christmas, Bastille Day, New Year, etc. I have the whole month of December and some of January off.

In comparison, in the US, you only get 10 days off. For many or even most jobs there, you will get fired if you actually use them. So people usually spend a short winter holiday visiting their parents or inLaws. Depending on their personalities, you go back to work in the New Year more tired and frazzled than you were before you left.

The one exception is teaching school. I`ve never wanted to teach, but looking at it that way, it could be kind of tempting. However, my work and educational background is similar to that of Walter White. Walter White is a character on a TV show. He was a talented physicist at a government research lab somewhere in the US. His funding was cut and he found a job teaching high school chemistry at an underfunded public school. But he is over qualified and underpaid and seemed bored out of his mind because most of his students were boneheads. He could not support his family on his salary and had to take a second job to make ends meet.

Funny thing from one of those online med help sites. It is very sparsely edited, I only added the funny comments and the end. May need to be high to appreciate.


eHealth Review: could GHB cause Mutagenic effect?

Summary: The FDA studies 4 people who have side effects while taking GHB from social media. Find out below who they are, when they have the Mutagenic effect and more.

You are not alone: join a support group for people who take GHB and have Mutagenic effect >>>

Talk to your doctor: Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor if you experience Mutagenic effect, such as the commonly seen tumor on right mammary gland nipple, from taking GHB.

Comments:

bob542:
My doc prescribed me, I think it was GHB. I ran out so I just bought from a guy. Next day I had Mutagenic effect. TELL YOUR DOCTOR if you have this effect. My tumor was found on right nipple too!

eHealth Staff:
Sorry, the FDA has increased budget, so we have reduced our testing to single-stage by comments from users via social media. Sorry about the tumor.

jamitin5:
I ran out of meth, so I tried GHB and experienced Mutagenic effect, so I got back on the meth and the Mutagenic effect was faster. The tumor is like a baseball size and getting bigger.

eHealth Staff:
@jam: Sorry, we don't help recreational users. I am not allowed to comment on what steps you should take to resolve the issue or your nipple size.

jamitin5:
I never said anything about my nipple. The tumor is on my back!

eHealth Staff:
@jam: Oh, sorry. We'll get that filed under side effects. Thanks!

RobVanMessaman:
I don't know why there's so much disinfomation on this drug. I have been prescribed this for 10 years for narcolepsy and I only experienced Mutagenic effect three days max!!!! You'll get used to it over time.

gorguat21:
I think I might have Mutagenic effect on left nipple.

eHeath Staff:
What? No!!! You have cancer. Talk to your doctor right away!

I expect shitty blogs about your shitty xmases from all the halfdozen motherfuckers who actually do the blog thing here. Yea, I'm specting a shitty season myself so I gotta hear about the dry turkey and yule log, eggnog dry heaving extravaggant fucking reindeer-antlers-on-dog shit the rest of you bastards will have to suffer. HO HO HO good times, may the dope-withdrawal-sufferers get the gift of heady indica nugs in them stockings and ting :D

Mel is a sharpie mole and her house on google maps has a pile of rubbish on the curb.

One step away from an 8 mile trailer park.

As I progress through my life and addictions, I learn piece by piece why I do what I do and what I need to do to change my future. Recently I've been contemplating why I have such a pull toward intoxication in general - never mind the specific addictions which I struggle with right now.

Since 14, I've felt an insatiable urge to experiment with substances to change my perception of the world. In and of itself there's nothing wrong with that - however, it's an easily corruptible impulse.

As a child, I had a bad habit of not finishing what I started. If I was assigned 10 math problems to complete for the next day, I'd do 9, knowing I'd either not get pulled up on it by the teacher or if I did I could just claim I didn't know how to solve the question. This continued into adolescence when I learnt the art of doing "just enough" to appease the authority figures in my life - whether teachers, or my own parents. I thought I was pretty clever, and perhaps in a way I am. However, in reality, this is a destructive and self-defeating habit.

A kind of immature apathy persists in me to this day. I rarely finish what I start. Naturally I finish things I tend to enjoy - a good book, video game, or movie. But the necessities in life - those things which make one an adult - those things that no one wants to do but has to as a responsible grownup - I still approach with a childlike defiance.

Perhaps this is why I am addicted to intoxication. Substances fill the gap left by that final math problem I don't solve; the adult responsibilities I don't take care of which are unpleasant but ultimately result in real world accomplishment and satisfaction. It may also be the reason I relapse and quit in such a frequent cycle. I tell myself it's time to grow up and learn to appreciate being an adult and all that it entails - and that I need to quit drugs to do so - yet inevitably I shortly find myself relapsing into the same-old immature aversion and rigid unwillingness to finish what I start.

To fix it, I need to start following through on small everyday things. It's easy to get swamped thinking about ones big goals in life. On my path to maturity, I need to put in the work to get my emotional state up to speed with my cognitive one, because simply being clever is not conducive to a happy life. With humility and experience I learn this little by little more and more everyday.

seriously, I want to know how many people see/read these things.

I sometimes get a PM from a random person saying they are "following" me and been reading my blogs. I know Blueight is a big community but I always wonder how many people are actually READING MY BLOGS and not just going right to the forum or somewhere else on this site.

I think of how many people are on Bluelight and then look at the stuff I've said over the years; I have legit laid out my life from TERRIBLE TIMES to the better times, like now. its just kinda funny when you think of it. like some random dude can follow or read up on my life.. just kinda weird when you think about it. esp. someone were to actually "know" me and realize I've been through hell and back.

OK, thats all.. but just respond w/ SOMETHING. someone respond w/ A and then next person B and then C and we'll see if we can get to Z.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO READS THIS SHIT!