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Okay, so I'm clean from insane amounts of heroin, crack, benzos. I do miss not having to deal with life, buttt:

- Music sounds and feels SO FUCKING GOOD not on opiates?! Blasting it and feeling the vibrations is actually orgasmic, haha. I didn't appreciate how god damn good it was before!
- Driving is fucking so fun! :) I am immensely loving driving at the moment. I want a motorbike so badly, I don't give a shit, I need one so I can feel the engine revving mmmm.
- I can feel emotions again?! (Fucking scary/horrible/shit at times, but the rest of the time- fucking so happy to have serotonin, adrenaline, dopamine pumping through me again :D - little things, make me SUPER fucking happy at the moment, is that normal? haha ) I need to get used to feeling things again, I know I'm all over the place at the moment and seem proper manic.
- Regained my love of weed, hash, vaping, socialising, animals, playing instruments, making websites, gaming, learning shit. Good times and I don't feel guilty/ shit doing these activities. :) (Or have w/ds from them, whattt?! haha)
- Nice people DO exist?! (I've just been hanging out with people not really with it/ well, I guess?). I've met such lovely, kind and supportive people since I started speaking again. I'm so glad I got over my people phobia, nice + funny people keep brightening up my days.

I cannot wait for December to be over, for spring and summer to come. Hurry up please!! I miss being able to go outside, going to awesome places, taking photographs, travelling. I reckon I'd be okay/ better in a warmer climate. Time to get my shit together, get this damn vaping website going, make and save some ££ so I can get the hell out of this country.

--
I need to go to hospital today, just for an ECG. I'm trying really hard not to be scared, just go and get it done. Then, another day, go see the neurologist, get the scan done. I need to find out why I have no memory/ have seizures. Hopefully, it's just from benzos and not my brain or heart. I've been on 2mgs a day since '14 though, so .. wtf? Ah. I know there's no point getting worked up or depressed about it, it's been going on for ages, I've just been too ashamed to admit it.
I'm just going to take some music, something to read and my vaporiser. It'll be okay, right? I won't have to go through anything too horrible. One thing at a time. Argh. Fucking hospitals.
Long story short guys, i'm 27 pages deep in a journal in which i've been writing in every day since being 'out of town',
Someday when I have time I will edit, and copy word for word and post my entries in my blog. Until then, keep up the good work guys, if it wern't for keeping a journal from day 1. I wouldn't even know what led up to this 'out of town' experience.

:)

D's
Sorry for ruining your vagina 40 years ago this Saturday.

Let's face it, I was worth it.


One of the best things about working in France is that you get 45 or so days off per year. That is not including government holidays like Christmas, Bastille Day, New Year, etc. I have the whole month of December and some of January off.

In comparison, in the US, you only get 10 days off. For many or even most jobs there, you will get fired if you actually use them. So people usually spend a short winter holiday visiting their parents or inLaws. Depending on their personalities, you go back to work in the New Year more tired and frazzled than you were before you left.

The one exception is teaching school. I`ve never wanted to teach, but looking at it that way, it could be kind of tempting. However, my work and educational background is similar to that of Walter White. Walter White is a character on a TV show. He was a talented physicist at a government research lab somewhere in the US. His funding was cut and he found a job teaching high school chemistry at an underfunded public school. But he is over qualified and underpaid and seemed bored out of his mind because most of his students were boneheads. He could not support his family on his salary and had to take a second job to make ends meet.
Funny thing from one of those online med help sites. It is very sparsely edited, I only added the funny comments and the end. May need to be high to appreciate.


eHealth Review: could GHB cause Mutagenic effect?

Summary: The FDA studies 4 people who have side effects while taking GHB from social media. Find out below who they are, when they have the Mutagenic effect and more.

You are not alone: join a support group for people who take GHB and have Mutagenic effect >>>

Talk to your doctor: Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor if you experience Mutagenic effect, such as the commonly seen tumor on right mammary gland nipple, from taking GHB.

Comments:

bob542:
My doc prescribed me, I think it was GHB. I ran out so I just bought from a guy. Next day I had Mutagenic effect. TELL YOUR DOCTOR if you have this effect. My tumor was found on right nipple too!

eHealth Staff:
Sorry, the FDA has increased budget, so we have reduced our testing to single-stage by comments from users via social media. Sorry about the tumor.

jamitin5:
I ran out of meth, so I tried GHB and experienced Mutagenic effect, so I got back on the meth and the Mutagenic effect was faster. The tumor is like a baseball size and getting bigger.

eHealth Staff:
@jam: Sorry, we don't help recreational users. I am not allowed to comment on what steps you should take to resolve the issue or your nipple size.

jamitin5:
I never said anything about my nipple. The tumor is on my back!

eHealth Staff:
@jam: Oh, sorry. We'll get that filed under side effects. Thanks!

RobVanMessaman:
I don't know why there's so much disinfomation on this drug. I have been prescribed this for 10 years for narcolepsy and I only experienced Mutagenic effect three days max!!!! You'll get used to it over time.

gorguat21:
I think I might have Mutagenic effect on left nipple.

eHeath Staff:
What? No!!! You have cancer. Talk to your doctor right away!
I expect shitty blogs about your shitty xmases from all the halfdozen motherfuckers who actually do the blog thing here. Yea, I'm specting a shitty season myself so I gotta hear about the dry turkey and yule log, eggnog dry heaving extravaggant fucking reindeer-antlers-on-dog shit the rest of you bastards will have to suffer. HO HO HO good times, may the dope-withdrawal-sufferers get the gift of heady indica nugs in them stockings and ting :D
Mel is a sharpie mole and her house on google maps has a pile of rubbish on the curb.

One step away from an 8 mile trailer park.
As I progress through my life and addictions, I learn piece by piece why I do what I do and what I need to do to change my future. Recently I've been contemplating why I have such a pull toward intoxication in general - never mind the specific addictions which I struggle with right now.

Since 14, I've felt an insatiable urge to experiment with substances to change my perception of the world. In and of itself there's nothing wrong with that - however, it's an easily corruptible impulse.

As a child, I had a bad habit of not finishing what I started. If I was assigned 10 math problems to complete for the next day, I'd do 9, knowing I'd either not get pulled up on it by the teacher or if I did I could just claim I didn't know how to solve the question. This continued into adolescence when I learnt the art of doing "just enough" to appease the authority figures in my life - whether teachers, or my own parents. I thought I was pretty clever, and perhaps in a way I am. However, in reality, this is a destructive and self-defeating habit.

A kind of immature apathy persists in me to this day. I rarely finish what I start. Naturally I finish things I tend to enjoy - a good book, video game, or movie. But the necessities in life - those things which make one an adult - those things that no one wants to do but has to as a responsible grownup - I still approach with a childlike defiance.

Perhaps this is why I am addicted to intoxication. Substances fill the gap left by that final math problem I don't solve; the adult responsibilities I don't take care of which are unpleasant but ultimately result in real world accomplishment and satisfaction. It may also be the reason I relapse and quit in such a frequent cycle. I tell myself it's time to grow up and learn to appreciate being an adult and all that it entails - and that I need to quit drugs to do so - yet inevitably I shortly find myself relapsing into the same-old immature aversion and rigid unwillingness to finish what I start.

To fix it, I need to start following through on small everyday things. It's easy to get swamped thinking about ones big goals in life. On my path to maturity, I need to put in the work to get my emotional state up to speed with my cognitive one, because simply being clever is not conducive to a happy life. With humility and experience I learn this little by little more and more everyday.
seriously, I want to know how many people see/read these things.

I sometimes get a PM from a random person saying they are "following" me and been reading my blogs. I know Blueight is a big community but I always wonder how many people are actually READING MY BLOGS and not just going right to the forum or somewhere else on this site.

I think of how many people are on Bluelight and then look at the stuff I've said over the years; I have legit laid out my life from TERRIBLE TIMES to the better times, like now. its just kinda funny when you think of it. like some random dude can follow or read up on my life.. just kinda weird when you think about it. esp. someone were to actually "know" me and realize I've been through hell and back.

OK, thats all.. but just respond w/ SOMETHING. someone respond w/ A and then next person B and then C and we'll see if we can get to Z.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO READS THIS SHIT!
I guess since its the end of the year this is the perfect time to reflect back on all that has changed over the past 12 months. It is important to note that it's only significant because nothing has changed in so long 12 months ago I expected nothing to change again. How wrong I was...

I am not trying to write some massive thing outlining how everything is different as I want to keep this brief. Not sure why I am assuming no one will read it anyway because it seems like self serving garbage for a beginning.

Exactly one year ago I was just getting to 90mg of methadone on a program having relapsed after a year off suboxone. It was a short lived 4 month long IV heroin thing that got out of hand surprisingly fast. This was my first time on methadone and I was getting Sunday take homes and I had been supporting my girlfriend's addiction for a long time as we discovered opiates together and had something before any opiates, I wanted to save that and her so it meant waiting for her to want to get clean. Relationships fail because people think you can force a partner to quit or whatever so i supported her for the majority of her 3 year heroin addiction. She quit her job literally right before we got into heroin and I got a much better job so in a sense that timing was good lol.

But yeah so for 3 years the cycle was the same because suboxone made her sick, like really sick she tried to tough it out for 2 weeks taking lower and higher doses but she would have adverse reactions and couldn't stand it. So it happens that my Sunday take home was the only thing holding her for 2 out of the 7 days of the week due to financial reasons and she decided to get on the program. She decided too and I took her down so she would be comfortable. They review her prescriptions and say they probably can't take her because of benzodiazepines she had been taking for 3 years by her doctor and actually went from 40mg of valium a day to 10mg when they saw her. But they took her.

That was 11 months ago... today is day 3 for her at 0mg of methadone and my 4th on 20mg from 25. Since that day so much has changed from her self view and confidence. Because we no longer buy heroin I have a car and she a laptop (both by our means not each other's) And above all else we both have a strange clarity and maturity that we didn't have before.

It's almost like I am more me then I have ever been. I feel like drugs have always been clouding me and distracting me. If it wasn't my heroin it was hers or the crack making me edgy or even just the desire for either took away from who I am. I never noticed it before but it's like now I have something I never had even though I had the illusion of it, time and focus. The odd thing is I never felt this way while I was clean the last time but then again nothing had changed before, now it has.

By this time next year I hope to be a full 9 months off methadone. I plan to go from 20 to 0 over the next 3 months. I think in 2 years I can go back to college knowing more then I left with in my field of study. I think in 5 years I can achieve a lot of personal goals that I didn't know I had even a year ago. I think this time it's for real and as much as I go "oh man time I can't wait for more time to pass I bet I will do *this* i wish it will go by faster" and for once I can honestly say because I am trying and I can say it probably will. It sucks because future goals mean getting older and I'm getting to the age where I don't like that :( (I'm.not even that old)

It's hard to word but I always felt I could do a lot but stuff gets in the way stuff is why I couldn't keep going to school forever and heroin was the stuff that I thought really ruined my life. I still felt I was worth something but feared I could never be the person I should have been because I made a mistake.

Maybe it was all meant to be because as things continue to move forward maybe somehow the focus I may have never noticed and never had in college would never have come to be. Maybe it will be easier the second time around because of it. And if not I am still thankful because I had all but given up a year ago.

Now I get to go fuck all of you that asked if I really thought it was going to work, if I really thought she wasn't using me or if I really thought this could work. It did and I was right. I knew what I was doing and it was what was right for the situation. *No one here but as you can imagine people shared their opinion of my situation to me more then a few times* Believe me I have a long list of "I told you so"'s I will one day read aloud from a podium but the first one is Disney world with the girl who one said "how can you say that will ever be us" ;)
kinda funny because anytime something happens that give me any type of worry I immediately think of dope.

sure, I am on Suboxone (8MG) now and have been clean since Aug but any anxiety/life problems I immediately want to go back to dope; sometimes I am not even sure what the problem is but its just something that works the mind and I immediately want to shut everything down; shoot dope, smile for a half second, and then go back to being miserable. kinda whacky, isnt it!? just stick a needle in the arm for a second!?

this morning I woke up late (1230PM) after waking up and taking my bupe yesterday at 6AM; so its been 30hrs since my last dose. well, I had some whacky late morning dreams of using and woke up w/ the urge to use; it was raining, cold and just a bit miserable out, so I felt that dope would be best. I seriously woke up thinking like that. luckily, I just ate the 8MG bupe and by 1PM I felt great, bright not-so-sunny day, but still felt on top of the world. seriously within an hour the whole day changed and my thoughts and outlook took a turn for the better.

now its almost midnight and I am just getting anxious waiting on "something" someone has to tell me. I think right away to come to BL and write something because the thought of drugs runs through my mind so why not openly blog about NOTHING to NOBODY but me; I wonder if anyone else gets these type of feelings?

well, I am done, chime in and let me know if you get these feelings or a I the only junkie/ex-junkie that does.
I have a migraine that isso bad I can't get out of bed and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water without puking. This one is strange bc it's behind my left eye. They are usually slightly to the right of the center of my forehead. I've gone 2 days without water, food, or morphine. The migraine is so bad that it is masking any WD symptoms I might be having. No craving either. I've vomited almost 20 times. Thinking about taking my usual dose makes me puke. Lying down doesn't prevent it. I found a couple of tramadols, but vomited a few times in the bucket I was carrying while searching. At least it only tastes like water. I swish bicarb in my mouth to neutralize the stomach acid.
I managed to hold them down long enough for them to work. The migraine is still bad, but they reduced it and took away the stationary nausea. I ate an orange and a piece of stale croissant. I have Internet on my free phone so I'm finally able to use it in bed without puking.
had a week that was totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S (funny cuz I hardly say bananas like that but I Just wrote a post and did the same thing) and was completely stressing at some points, including tonight, and the thought of using ran through my mind but I kept away from the drugs and the drugs kept away from me. sometimes I worry that if the drugs were INFRONT OF ME, then I'd surly relapse. then again, maybe its good I am truthful like that. its good that I do NOT hang w/ any addicts or people who have drugs on them; I truly feel, and I am honest w/ myself, that if drugs were infront of me, or if someone had the drugs on them and offered, then yes, I'd probably use, whether it be today, tomorrow, or another day. but I have w/ NO ONE w/ drugs and NO ONE doing drugs. so I have that going for me. also, anytime I take my bupe in the AM - come 1-2PM, I feel on top of the world, so NO, I would not use then. its not till like 5/6PM I start to feel a bit more "normal" and would even consider using. but yes, I was stressed out this week and thought about it far too often. I was shocked how often I was thinking of it and the dreams I had about it. but the week is almost over and its time to move on, so fuck drugs, and fuck dope, its time to live my NORMAL, HAPPY, GOOD LIFE! the life that I build since being OFF DRUGS and doing the RIGHT THING!

so, what else!? well, the family has been shit as always. I have NOT talked to my mother because she is "let down" because my sister is a lesbian; that truly bothers me. my sister is still young, 24, and I feel she needs the support. after all, she just cameout w/ it recently and there is no need for my mother not to accept. I wrote a whole different blog on that, so I wont go into detail here.

hmmm.. work has bee OK. I usually hate working w/ my father, which has been my FT gig as of late, doing asbestos removal, asbestos tiles, siding, etc. its all asbestos really and then some pipe covering as well. its a labor job but its in the asbestos field and it pays well; not as good as I was once paid doing software sales but I left that position because the job/company made me miserable and it was part of the reasons why I used so heavily. also, right now i am working w/ my father an doing ALL I CAN! I actually have schooling next week to get my actual license in asbestos; something I never thought I'd get.. although I have tried in the past but ended up not finishing the course because I was a junkie and left early one day to go get dope thinking I could come back the next day no problem; guess what?! I was wrong, so I have to take the course all over again, oh well.. my fault! no wait, drugs fault, actually.

OK, OK.. whats next!? well, my girl is coming back in 2 weeks and we will be spending 3 weeks together for Christmas. she is just coming to "visit" for Christmas and will be staying w/ me the entire time; I actually am very excited; I havent seen her in close to a month since she is living at school in CA right now and I am living in MA right now; its not easy but she is well worth the wait, so its cool by me. some people ask how I do it but I dont consider it a challenge; again, shes well worth the wait. if anything, its only hard because I truly miss her at times and wish she could be here at the snap of a finger but shit happens, and its better than being in a shit relationship that makes you miserable, so ill take what i have. I just cant wait till she moves here and is here, living together, 24/7. that will be FUNNNNNNNNNNNN and happens come this summer.

I know, youre sick of reading this, thats even if you are reading, so ill stop here. I have work tomorrow and have to be there at 8AM; its 11:17PM and would like to be sleeping by 12:30. its funny because I used to NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT ALL when I was working a job I truly hated (software sales) and living a life I wanted to die (dope fiend/by myself/miserable/no license/hated life). nowadays I can easily fall asleep (well, I still take a sleeping pill) and feel good upon waking up. I do NOT dread the day and actually go to work and I am happy w/ what I do. believe it or not, I make LESS MONEY than I did before but w/o using drugs the job is fun and I actually enjoy the day. do I enjoy the job!? eh, not so much. but I enjoy MY LIFE and the day itself, and my girlfriend and everything else happening in my life. so fuck everyone else, because I am happy and will continue to be happy!

alright, now I am actually DONE! DONE, DONE, DONE! I am DON-ZO! right now.. I am D-O-N-E! and that spells what!?

it.

spells.

DONE!

I.

AM.

DONE.

BostonBrownTown! (may have to change my name; I dont do dope and its all white around here anyway).
Alright, just wanted to blog because I'm newly sober off the old ethanol. Went pretty hard for about a month, which started with the end of a long(6 year) relationship, which I pretty much initiated, but then the situation I was left in made me feel the need to get far from sober. That was empty house, lonely,fearful,etc. Anyway, I was then forced to move back with family as I really had nowhere else to go.

So I kept on drinking even though I was not really supposed to where I was now living. After awhile my drunken and lonely state led me to relenting to my exes pleas to stay with her. (Background:she's 34 I'm 26 she has a daughter, 9 years old, who has called me dad since I first got with her mom, when she was only 3 years going on 4, and we have a younger daughter together, shes 5.) I am now very conflicted as to what to do. We are still living apart, but she now thinks I wanna make it work.

I am so conflicted because I love her and our family, but I dont know if I want to be with her still.(More background:We were engaged to be married this June. We lived with each other for most of the 6 and 1/2 years except for two different times wben I moved out, mostly due to my alcohol abuse getting out of hand.) She has always been there for me so I feel kinda like I owe her. In the process of the breakup I told her I have only been with her for the kids for the last couple years, which wasn't entirely untrue, but I do love her. Im so conflicted because on the one hand I love her and our family, but on the other I don't think shes my "soul mate" or whatever you wanna call it and may never be fully happy with her.

I also have no job, no license, and am back at my parents feeling lost with no direction, and missing her and the kids. Im trying to get a job and my license back, also I am about to get my felony off my record, so things should get better soon. But yeah, very happy to be off the alcohol, my brain was turning to mush, and physically I was getting pretty shit. Coming off it was shit, I had to do a taper, it was just too much for me, the anxiety,insomnia and all that. So yeah, I guess I just need to look at the positive things and do some soul searching. Peace-RDP89
Its been a fucked up month. Met NF which ended now as quickly as it kicked off. It was so good to feel something again, connect with a person in that way. Then I got sick and poof, he was gone. I suppose there may be more to it than that but I will never know his reasons for distancing himself from me. Irrespective it is done now.

Re my health, things are very much up in the air now and I am trying to take it day by day. In a weeks time I will know whether any progress has been made with the treatment and if not, whats next. I am extremely apprehensive atm and don't feel any better but trying to stay positive.

There is a lot going on atm and being forced to stay sober cause the meds for this damned illness is driving me up the wall. Especially with things ending with NF I just want to get fucked up but can't. Need to put my health first for a change and actually deal with my feelings which fucking sucks. Hate feeling shit.

Anyway thats enough of a rant for tonight, time to call it a day and try to finish Drive. Not quite sure why Ryan Gossling is considered so attractive, he does nothing for me but suppose taste is subjective.
it kills me to see this.

has anyone had something similar in their family or maybe something similar happen to them? my MOTHER does not accept my SISTER for who she is? I would have NEVER GUESSED THIS but I am now seeing it happen and my SISTER IS DESTROYED BY IT nd will not fully come out to the family but has told me and has told me how she is hurt.

my mother things its disgusting that my mother is not accepting for her for who she likes and what she does. my sister is a lesbian, yes, thats right. shes is a college graduated who works in the courthouse and is going to be getting her masters soon enough; her girlfriend is a middle school teacher who currently has her masters degree. they are both relatively young, around 24. they both are doing quite well considering age and their schooling. however, my mother will NOT accept who is sister is and what my sister likes.

they were VERY GOOD FRIENDS/MOTHER/SISTER growing up but they have broken apart over the years. you always hear my mother questioning my sister and her each and every move. she tells her friends (mother tells her friends) that her daughter has yet to find her husband, or boyfriend yet. then goes on to tell us how she is embarrassed to have to tel her friends this kind of stuff. how she doesnt know how to speak to others because it is NOT RIGHT that her daughter is a lesbian. luckily, her daughter only smokes weed and does NOT DO HARD DRUGS but I try to tell my mother this is what may push her to hard drugs, or do bad choices in life. I pray for my sister and stand by her side daily; I fight w/ my mother over my sister and her choices; there is NOTHING WRONG w/ THESE CHOICES! my fathers brother was gay and died of AIDS in the 90's and he is completely fine/open about it all but yet my mother is the complete opposite and it kills me to see her speak/think this way.

w/ her thoughts being this way it is somewhat of an embarrassment to call her my mother. whats funny is my mother does not have a problem w/ gays/lesbians in general but the fact my sister is bothers her to the extreme; it hurts me to see her hurt my sister the way she does. she does NOT accept my sisters girlfriend. she is NOT RUDE to her girlfriend but shes not love/respect for the girl. when I tell my mother she has to change, she comes back w/ "why do people not change for me!?". I want to slap her off the side of the head and say "are you fucking serious?".

I seriously DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO and I write her hoping someone can help me out. its bad enough I suffered from addiction the way I have but I am 33 and have learned to accept the wrong and accept the things people have thought of me throughout the course of my life; however, my sister is still VERY YOUNG and growing up and I do NOT want her to be ashed/feel ashed of the decisions she is making, esp. considering these are NOT THE WRONG DECISIONS!

can anyone help me here? guide me to a path to better help my sister. we are both considering NOT GOING TO THANKSGIVING which my mother usually hosts. I am fine w/ NOT GOING since it is my mother who is doing this to my younger sister.

help is appreciated.
Ahh the whole thing is as mad as a box of frogs. I've had one of those nights, absorbing as much BBC News, RT, Al Jazeera - before properly melting my head with youtube, prob the biggest media outlet, about Paris being a false flag attack :|

For me anyway and I guess pretty much everyone outside the echelons of power. It's simply impossible to know whats really happening. Who's getting guns, why? Was there not just a war against our 'new' fundamentalist 'allies'. Planes are smacking out like 16 yr olds at a rave.

A seismic population shift is continues and still no EU policy, some meet open arms, others razor wire. Notice as well how few Ukraine refuges make the news. Yet this
'Women' Judge!! Can unleash so much prime time hate like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wsv6BM4AY8&ab_channel=iizthatiiz

George Osborne sold Hinkley Point with an unbelieveable 35 year power purchase agreement approximately 120% above the current wholesale price of leccy. The subsidy alone is worth approx £17 billion. Renewables energy, a potential UK field of excellence - Graphene ffs was discovered in Manchester, the archetypical nano semiconductor. But no remotely benefited from such a subsidy - the subsidy alone is worth a minimum £17 billion. Hinckley's expected to run for 60yrs. It's futile to try and predict the wholesale cost of electric in 35 years. However for the duration of the 35yr subsidy Hinkley wholesale exports will be £39.5 billion. State sponsored. The remaining 25 year lifespan could easily see it double that figure. No amount of industry lobbying, EU inquiry's, or even a case study from HSBC which concluded;

'"We see ample reason for the UK Government to delay or cancel the project," HSBC concluded in a note that set out eight concerns with the project.
HSBC's criticism echoes those of environmental groups who have repeatedly warned the government agreement to provide EDF with a guaranteed price of over £90/MWh for the clean power it generates over a 35 year period is excessively generous.'

To many focus groups, auditor's, commissions reports to dismiss this as fag packet economics. It's a multi billion pound stroke. I mean you could probably skim a few hundred grand of a solar farm - but EDF's build tendered at £16-18 Billion and completion up and atom by 2018. Now for some reason that eludes every search EDF have bumped up the reactor to £24.5 Billion and do well to get any juice out of her by 2025 - but the contract stipulates 2033. But we need the power now - with approximately 45% of the of UK power plant production scheduled for decommission within 15 years. If these 50 year old coal burners remain online, emitting current carbon levels. The only option is buying huge amounts of carbon 'offsets' that will rise in price as other countries reap. There is really no doubt that the UK will fail, after such a bright start, to reach the Kyoto agreement of 20% reduction by 2020. Still must feel like a pretty big fella brokering a £24.5 Billion deal, even if it undermines national security for 2 generations.

It hasn't gone down well with the in-laws either. Speaking during the second reading of the Energy Bill, Osbourne's Father in law Lord Howell told peers: A Conservative former energy secretary has insisted the “elephantine” Hinkley C nuclear project in Somerset is “one of the worst deals ever” for British consumers and industry.

Lord Howell of Guildford told peers he would “shed no tears” if the multi-billion pound development by French giant EDF Energy was abandoned in favour of smaller nuclear plants at a later date.

He warned no reactor of the kind planned for Hinkley C has “ever been completed successfully”.

The nuclear push has many critics over its cost, the time it takes to build plants and the potential threat to the UK’s national security of having China in control of a plant on UK soil. Osborne’s father-in-law, former energy minister Lord Howell, has described the project as “one of the worst deals ever” for British consumers and industry. Speaking during the second reading of the Energy Bill, Lord Howell told peers: “Far the biggest obligation or future burden on consumers and households is the Hinkley Point C nuclear project.

Renewable subsidies are slashed. Proven turnkey technology, that could be manufactured in the UK and installed by the GIGAWATT in under 12 months, creating more jobs. Embracing a micro-grid approach, that is vastly more efficient than sending DC current 100's of miles cross counties to the DSU (demand side user). Micro-grids decentralize electricity production with coordinated storage. It's not feasible to 100% renewable in the medium future. But that isn't stopping global ambition - California's beyond 33% movement looks on target, with utility scale storage and voltage optimisation.

Inevitable higher bills are balls. That this massive investment has chopped a booming renewable sector of at the knees - not just by removing feed in tariffs for wind turbines, taking £700m out of the renewable heat incentive, slashing feed in tariffs for 50+ proposed utility scale ground mount installs. Osbourne refusing to release an agreed £100m for energy retro-fits (loft insulation, cavity wall, draft proofing) earmarked for the most vulnerable who tend to live in the coldest houses. On top of all that, he's scrapped tax-relief for businesses. Still get tax relief on a new tractor, and this continues over the years in depreciation. But renewable infra-structure no longer qualifies as capital expenditure. That was so often the decider - how much capital expenditure relief the business had come new financial year.

Energy minister Andrea Leadsom said: “It is vital that industries over time stand on their own two feet. I don’t think anyone here would advocate an industry that only survives because of a subsidy paid by the billpayer.” She was justifying 87% cuts to subsidies for solar power, just as they are on the verge of becoming cheaper than gas.

The contradiction does not need spelling out. Nuclear power has had 60 years to stand on its own two feet. The admission it still needs subsidy (£17 billion worth after five years of ministers denying precisely that) shows that traditional nuclear power can barely crawl.
so, a buddy of mine called today and started the conversation w/ - "listen dude, I know you are doing great, and I hate to put you in this situation.... but". well, we all know what was said after. yes, he wanted me to grab him a G so he could use. he missed his methadone appointment today since he has to go daily and wanted "something" to get him off E.

at first I thought, "hmmm, maybe I could split a half G w/ him" but I ended up just saying NO! I have not spoken w/ my "guy" in months and I really dont want to give the dude I call. yes, I have been great and have not shot any dope in 4-5 months (around there) and have no urge/feeling to use again; these Suboone (8MG/day/morning only) and 1600MG/GABA/morning only. I seriously feel GREAT everyday w/ no urge, no nothing, so I am NOT going to pick it at risk. I honestly did feel I could do it for him w/ no problem but why risk it, ya know!? and I dont blame the kid for asking because I would have done the same thing while using, so NO BIG DEAL!

I was just amazed that I didnt use that as an excuse to TRY something. I am happy, truly happy, and KNOW that drugs have ruined my life and put me in a SHIT situation, so DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE! and will NEVER GO BACK! I am OVER THAT; I am fucking 33yrs old, man. Just turned 33 last week and I am truly HAPPY w/ my life. my girlfriend plays a HUGE PART in this and I would NOT have this girl if I was using, so I am even more willing to stay off drugs; even if its just for her alone, she is well worth it. I do NOT want to fuck up another GOOD thing. then again, drugs didnt fuck up my past GF's or anything like that; those girls were NOT FOR ME! this girl is different in so many ways, and also the most beautiful girl I've ever been w/, so I will NE.

OK, thats it. I am HAPPY and I was able to say NO and stay away; I am just HAPPY w/ myself and how I played that... a pat on the back for me!

Thankssssssssss!
So I am fallowing my dream in the world of technology.

Alabama fucking sucks, and are so 'behind the time' when it comes to technology. I mean yeah there are Gamestops and Bestbuys along with everything else where you can pick up the next up to date kitchen appliance , or new video game, and that's where it ends. Those 'new technology devices' still have to plug into something, and with Erricson's saying they have come out with a new '5G' solution to help provide the fastest internet speeds wiresly.
Also with Google wanting to provide homeowners with 'free' cable TV, so that's going to eliminate local cable companies. who can argue with free legit cable?
I'd like to say that I got in the wrong field when it comes to it,
what cable companies don't know is soon, the 'coax' will be replaced with newer 'fiber optic' lines, and yes, that includes 'fiber to the house' meaning someday you will soon be able to surf the web at light speed. Being in the 'cable tv' field, I see those other utility lines on the utility pole, and usually cable lines are the top lines you see on utility poles(not the power lines, but the upper-most utility line on the pole). Those huge thick lines that are roughly the size of baseballs are your telephone lines, and usually those lines can be found being the bottom-most utility line on the pole, or they may be on an entire different pole then the cable TV lines.
What about those fiber lines? Living here in Alabama, the only time you see 'fiber lines' is along highways,feeding different business. You veryvery seldomly see fiber lines being ran through neighborhoods. maybe in the really,really,upper class neighborhoods where a majority of the houses are well mansion's. everyone knows that the big huge houses are in a really nice side of town, 100% gated communities. now that's only here in Alabama I've noticed.
Which is why I am leaving Alabama.

I've laid hundreds if not thousands of miles of fiber optic lines all across the country, and have never ran fiber lines to trailer parks. never,, I've strung cable 'coax' lines all over trailer parks, just never fiber lines. whys that? well, it's not because they don't have any money, because that's a stereotype .
The cities where In where I have strung fiber lines were some of the major cities across the nation, and I seriously thing it's against the law to own a trailer in cities like Seattle, or Portland.

After spewing up all those fiber lines, I learned that being that type of 'lineman' was not for me, maybe it was because I was working with abusive former formen,or maybe I wasn't cut out for the type of work, or maybe it was wanting to fallow where the fiberoptic lights went? So that's why I chose to get out of the part of the job that builds the fiber lines, and instead I will be taking up splicing the fiber lines in. Where I won't have to work with such assholes, because I will be working alone, by myself, in my own world. Splicing fiber is an art, and it wont be easy.

I am very excited about the new opportunities and can't wait to prove to the motherfuckers that doubted me, that I did it. I'm not going to go and try to start fights or anything like that. Who knows, maybe I could get a job with NASA.
keep on the sunny side of life. :)

I've been doing some shopping here lately, time to retire the pants I had on, and now replaced with 'bigger,bigboy briches'. I've said this many many times, and going on 'adventures' with my tail in between my legs when I make 'that' trip back home.
I feel a lot like the prodigal son story in the bible, except I was spending my own money out there, and had to come back home because the cost of living was getting to high(and with a meth and heroin habit at the time, didn't feel so good when I call home and tell them I'll be coming back home empty handed.)
What's going to make it different this time? then all those times before? Well that's a choice I have already made, and a choice I will have to make when I get offered that drug. I can tell you the answer will be 'No' now, and when that day comes(and its going to come). Only I can make the ultimate choice.

The path I choose will not be easy, it will be a 4star treck,..meaning I will drive for 7hours, then attended school for a week (7days @ 8hours a day), and once I graduate the program I will have access to jobs all over the world(not just USA), I will most likely go work for Google building and splicing their fiber plant in for at least another year or 2,before I leave the country. Now I will leave the country in good standing, and it will be for work. I'm not going to be a refugee lol.looks like harder work then the work i'm used to.

Like I mentioned in throujae(sp) blog about smoking//nicotine, all of these require steps and I can look at the huge picture, of my goals in life, and the ones I want the most are going to be a challenge, and unlike Dora the explorer the map is blank in between the destinations, and the real adventure begins with the journey, and not the destination right?

Wish me luck guys:)
Oh deary me :-(

Things have gone into a downward spiral in my life since my last blog. See here: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/blogs/370222-MilzyWilzy

After months of research chemical use and massive stresses, I finally had a breakdown and landed myself in hospital after trying to end my life.

My actions have caused my children to be told that they cannot live with me at the moment.

I'm so very lonely and scared.

Is there light at the end of this very dark tunnel I'm currently in?
Every day for a while now I’ve told myself tomorrow I’ll take life seriously. When I actually get around to it, my day goes by like every other, except I’m angrier and more dissatisfied. So inevitably, I go back to not taking life seriously. It’s said growing up is a trap: it’s more than that. Growing up is an invitation to frustration. It’s the reinforcement of the reality that you’ll never be a power ranger, a princess or a Jedi. It’s disheartening, and it’s sad, but that’s OK. By not taking life seriously, you invite in the possibility of absurdity. You realize the universe (and more cynically, people in general) really don’t give a shit about you - and that’s hilarious. Really, it’s about letting go. We aren’t to far evolved from our primitive ape ancestors - so get over yourself, and try enjoy life. Seek happiness and truth, wherever they may pop up their elusive heads.
The difference between medicine and poison is the dose.

Lately I've been self-medicating with nicotine. That's right, self-medicating. I used to be a smoker, on and off. I quit about a decade ago, then got back into it for a while, and quit again. I never really took to smoking all that much but lately I've been having my work seriously affected by a fog of depression and knew I had to do something to bust out of the rut.

The something that kept floating up in my mind was having a smoke, but I thought maybe I was just craving nicotine so I started looking into cleaner alternatives. First I looked into e-cigs, but all the nicotine juice for sale seems to be candy-flavoured stuff and that just sounds totally digusting to me. Then I looked into the patch, but for various reasons that didn't seem like a good option either. Finally I settled on just trying the gum. Minty fresh breath and stealthy drug delivery system in one, how could I not try it?

I've done enough drugs to know I was just reaching out of desperation, but I'm still surprised at how well it's been working for me. My morning routine now is breakfast followed by a french press of coffee followed by a 2mg piece of nicotine gum. 2mg is roughly equivalent to the dose in a cigarette, but the effects of the gum come on smoothly and it leaves me in a state of bliss accompanied by the energy and focus to get shit done.

The first few days I was tempted to abuse it, but managed to control the urge and kept it to just one piece a day. Benzos have taught me to be especially wary of half-life and tolerance, so I went into it with an exit strategy if tolerance started building but it's been a few weeks and I'm still getting the desired effect out of a single piece per day. Hence, I consider this self-medicating as opposed to jumping into a fresh addiction. Well, for me it would be jumping back into an old addiction. Funny how I never took to the usual illicit stims but I love my coffee, cocaine and nicotine.

Thanks to the nicotine (never thought I'd say that), I've finally been able to get started on one of the two website ideas I've been thinking of launching for a while. Usually I just do back-end stuff for other people's craptacular sites so I already know my way around a server and the only new challenge for me will be front-end programming (the stuff that the user interacts with directly), with which I don't really have a lot of experience but I'm feeling optimistic about being able to handle it myself.

Almost a decade ago I wrote down my mid-term goals and itemized the short-term goals I had to accomplish to reach them, and I managed to cover the most important goals and it felt amazing at the time. Since then, I've been feeling more and more lost, and maybe that's what catalyzed my spiral into depression. Now I think I finally have a crystallized notion of what I want my next set of mid-term goals to be, so I need to firm up the short-term goals needed and get started on them. I feel anticipation today for the mountains I'm going to climb tomorrow. Today, I am an optimist. Today, I am alive.
I dont care anymore

Less than I used to, which I didn't even know
was possible.

I work at a fancy restaurant washing dishes and the more I see people dine there the more I just dont give a fuck about being successful.

I don't want to push myself to achieve greater things because I know my strengths and weaknesses already, and I have lost my taste for all materialistic things in this world.

I dont want a fancy car or a nice house or two kids and a white picket fence with a golf membership on the weekends. I don't want to have to prove my intelligence by throwing obscene amounts of money to some established institution for four years just so people will think im smart.

I just want to get high and observe the things I do enjoy, mainly sports on television and the occasional documentary on something. This is what I enjoy doing, and im sick of being told its a problem

Really? Because who the fuck am I harming for doing that?

Ill hold the door for old people, ill give someone directions if they're lost, ill even pick up my dogs shit from someone's lawn if it happens to go down like that

Im not a bad person. And im sick of being told that I have a problem. If I wanted to get help id call the A-Team.

I have some things I need to take care of, im aware of that. Its just been a hectic couple of months and shit got lost in the sauce. Im no Welshman though, ill take care of it.

Its just a bummer that people dont realize that the more something is pushed on me the more likely I am to resist it

I am considering living on the streets but I couldn't hold a job like that and it gets really cold here really fast. Maybe in the spring and summer though. I just want to let it be known that if I dont agree with how im being treated, im gone. And then we'll see who really breaks down
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