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So I managed to get off methadone on Wednesday and figured everything has lined up for me to take 500mg of mescaline HCl that i had extracted from a live specimen of San Pedro... It was actually several live specimens and my theoretical yield would have been like 10X where i put the amount i got but obviously my controlling of experimental variables was lacking in this procedure.

The whole thing was incredibly involved and I utilized my mother for doing part of it as i said to my younger brother, "I think I have discovered the key to everything... I just say some large chemical jargon thats close to what i am doing and bam no one questions it. Moms not going to say, those values for Pka dont lend themselves to salts, no this doesnt make sense at all!" So my mom helped me extract 2,3,4 trimethoxybenzaldehyde because why not its close enough i dont feel like im lying, more like mispronouncing the structure maybe but yeah best thing ever.

Well anyway this isnt meant to be a trip report its meant more to document the fact this was 24 hours after my last dose of methadone. So i am exploring the newly isolated compound that i took about 5 weeks to prepare in standard fashion, i sit there marveling at my drive and skill the fact i was able to do all of this and the end result is legal mescaline that i have a direct connection to. I've done with with a lot of stuff so i literally planned about 4 hours of sitting on my bed doing nitrous and smoking weed going "oh man i cant believe im a genius, take that me who i said i wasnt and couldnt do this or that this cacti was bunk or that my pH meter was broken. Take that!"

So I proceed to go out with my younger brother we go see "the jerry garcia band" after being snuck in for free we stay there till 11pm then drive to another city to see "thriftworks" a DJ set. We end up getting some K and doing it, its all really cool except the mescaline does not provide energy so i spend the duration just sitting there staring at the DJ playing the set. It was fine for me but i couldnt help but think it looked odd lol.

But anyway i K holed before bed accepted my own death etc, standard K hole stuff. The following day i couldnt sleep and felt like shit i thought it was just from not sleeping and 48 hours off methadone. Then the following day even worse, and i mean i felt like i was dying. I was thinking to myself this cant be day 3 of 0 methadone this is terrible. Come to find out the following day, so 4 hours after my last dose my younger brother got a fever of 103 and has the flu... This lead me to realize i probably had the flu. I was basically kicked out of work saturday for looking like i was going to die, i felt like i was going to die but i thought it was the methadone so i suffered through it because i have a rule about suffering during with withdrawal, i bought it on myself so i deserve to suffer.

I really thought i was going to collapse on Saturday and my attributing it to methadone means i dont feel sick at all anymore! LOL i cant believe i went to work with the flu assuming it was methadone sickness... talk about warrior over here.
This one has been a long time coming. I have gone through the methadone program, having never accepted take homes due to "f that" philosophy, and today was my last 2mg dose! I was meant to see my counselor for a final meeting, she loves me by the way, so at the end of it i was explaining my plans as I told her I turned down a better job.

Basically the convo went something like this "oh i plan i going to this festival that festival this club to see that EDM producer" and she said "you dont think going to those things and being around those people will make you use" and I responded "no theres no heroin or crack there, its real hippy psychedelic shit so no not at all" she asked what i would be doing if i went to those shows to which i stated "oh i absolutely love psychedelics and MDMA i will be taking those when i go for sure" That bit of information floored the woman and we got into a small discussion about how i feel she thinks all drug use is for assigned reasons which is fine but my use of psychedelics is purely an enhancer of what is already there and ive been doing them since i was 16 responsibly.

But yeah talk about funny literally last 10 minutes being like "bitch ive been doing L molly and K for the past months now and if anything they are the reason i wont do what i use to do, they are the things i enjoy the things i dont abuse and the only substances i have managed to keep under complete control as i would never do anything to ruin such a pure experience." I mean she knows im trying to go back to school for chemistry and i have the next 5 years of my life planned out, i try to be open and honest telling her that i wouldnt stop smoking weed and its none of the words fucking business if i smoke a joint before bed and i wont stop. I am a man of conviction who knows what he wants and honestly i would know if my life fell off the tracks as i enrolled in programs twice when that happens i have no problem admitting when things are out of hand but i dont see candy flipping at shows and a once a week at most k hole alone before bed as detrimental.

But yeah I think finally getting to say all of that put me in a good mood, i mean my counselor 100% respected me and trusted my opinion so i figured last day id tell her who i truly was... Like the worst part about coming off was demotivation I can handle fractured sleep i do sleep so Im not complaining about that constantly needing to shit isnt too big of a deal but it made me so sad my chemistry stuff was coming in and i lacked the motivation to use it. Like seriously made me think of what it would be like if i couldnt do it ever and how my life would become pointless i mean i knew the motivation would come back chemistry is my life but it made me sad to think when im 70 what if i cant do it.

Sorry for the rambling and shit I am just so happy to say i am off methadone, happy today as this was my last 2mg i will see how i feel between days 4-7 the days that always proved to be the most uncomfortable.

But i changed my profile picture as i am the william wallace electron breaking free of the large cluster fuck mass that held me in place forever. FREEDOM!
5 hours and 13 minutes until the clinic opens and I can get my dose. 160 mgs of temporary relief mixed with 150mg of hydroxine and 1200mg of gabapentin. On a good day I am able to drift off in a semi nod for 4 or 5 hours. On a great day I re-dose the gabapentin and sleep all day. That's really all I want to do. Sleep.

Then there are the benzos. I am straddling the line of physical addiction. I don't really know how often I take them because its frankly hard to remember with all the downers I take. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't better off on heroin? I had a job, I left the house for more than the hour I spend at the clinic. Everyone keeps telling me that they are proud. Look how much progress you made a year without heroin! Hell I have even quit smoking weed. My main dealer quit and I am too lazy to find a new one. Is that progress?

I have taken 3000mg of gabapentin a half mg of kpin and I still feel like blowing my brains out. Scratch that I want to go out with a needle in my arm, guns scare me. I just don't find pleasure in the everyday things other people do. Look I hold no illusions about that lifestyle. Its just that I feel as sad now as I did when I was using heavily. I was closer to living one year ago then I am too living today. I had a job, I took showers, I brushed my teeth, Girls occasionally smiled at me. I had the beginnings of the life I wanted. I gave it all away.

I guess that's the frustrating part I am not even sure what this is? Like is it better to not shoot heroin but have no job no friends and be fucking miserable. I guess that's the main problem I am depressed to the point of having no motivation. I literally shower once a week. Usually before my counseling appointment. Got to keep up appearances for the people who write the drugs. Funny shit is I am more concerned with getting the gabapentin than the kolonopin. I love that damn drug. I ate fucking 3000mgs of the shit today. Its not a good drug to redoes though.

4 and a half hours until the clinic opens. Fuck that's too long.
Serious reformation, on it's way.

Fuck this lifestyle.
To begin, kratom is a plant in the coffee family that has psychoactive effects when taken orally. It binds to the opiate receptors in the brain, causing an effect similar to opiates. It has been used as an opium substitute and method for pain management in Thailand and other Asian countries for centuries, and is only recently becoming more well-known in North America. Kratom can be of benefit to those in recovery from an opiate dependency.

As mentioned in the introductory paragraph, kratom binds to the opioid receptors. There are a few chemicals believed to be the cause of this effect which are; mitragynine, 7-hydroxymitragynine, and mitraphylline. In doses of about under five grams, it has an affinity for the delta receptors, creating a more stimulating effect that can help users going through withdrawal to have energy for going about their day. At higher doses, it has an affinity for the µ receptors, causing a more sedative effect that is similar to the effects opioids produce. In a patient who has a tolerance, these effects do not intoxicate them, as instead, they combat the symptoms of withdrawal, and assist the user to feel well and able to function.

A second point about kratom, is that it must be consumed orally. This is a great thing for intravenous users who are working hard on quitting the use of needles to administer their drug of choice. Kratom most commonly comes in a powdered form or a liquid extract that can be consumed most easily by mixing into a drink. A smoothie would be a great example because the sweetness helps overpower the bitterness of the kratom which can be tough to consume for some individuals. The fact that kratom is administered orally is an excellent step toward harm reduction.

Thirdly, kratom is not scheduled under the Controlled Drug and Substances Act in Canada, and as well as the Federal Controlled Substances Act in the United States, with an exception to some state laws. This means that users who decide to try maintenance using kratom do not face the risks of being arrested and charged with possession of an illicit substance. It is however, not approved for consumption by the FDA due to lack of sufficient research about its safety. Having mentioned this though, Methadone and Suboxone require a prescription, and have been proven to be more dangerous to users, and even sometimes less effective at reducing opioid abuse. It is difficult to abuse kratom, as the effects are more subtle, and the route of administration has very little options. Kratom does have addictive properties, but it has been proven to be easier to come off of than intravenous use of heroin or other strong opioids.

With all that being said, kratom is a very effective plant at reducing and eliminating opioid withdrawals and even abuse altogether. Harm reduction is very important to drug users, and this plant can be of major benefit to those who wish to turn their life around. It is a legal, natural remedy that helps those who are struggling to get their life back on track, and is highly recommended as maintenance for anyone who has the desire to get their opiate addiction under control.



Once upon a time, there was a President of the United States named Richard Milhous Nixon. This individual is noteworthy for several reasons including (but not limited to) the fact that he is the only PotUS to have ever resigned from office; that despite his assertion that "[he is] not a crook," a felonious crook he turned out to be; and that his successor (former President Ford) inexplicably pardoned him of any and all criminal offenses one month after his resignation.

It is also noteworthy to point out that President Nixon - who formally began the so-called war on drugs ~44 years ago, and was responsible for the creation of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) - reportedly was also a frequent recreational consumer of the legal drug known as Alcohol - the very same one which has conclusively been shown to be carcinogenic in any amount, as well as neurotoxic (kills brain cells) and hepatotoxic (and also liver cells).

When it came to minority groups of Americans whom President Nixon especially hated, two in particular stood out above the rest: first and foremost: any and all Hippies; and secondly: the portion of Vietnam Vets who happened to return home suffering from often-severe cases of PTSD (traumatized repeatedly by the unimaginable horrors of war they witnessed) and a drug addiction (typically Diacetylmorphine [Heroin]) which they resorted to as a coping mechanism.

And so, in order to boost his Presidential Approval Rating, Nixon (possibly with the aid of Kissinger) eventually hatched an incredibly two-faced plan that would turn out to be the worst investment in the history of investments: he would ban every drug that - for reasons partly related to genetic diversity as well as varying personal tastes and preferences - the aforementioned two minority groups preferred over Alcohol and/or Nicotine.

Furthermore, Nixon would make use of the resources at his disposal to scapegoat, stigmatize and criminalize anything having to do with the mind altering substances commonly consumed by Hippies, and to a lesser degree, those used without permission by Vets who were usually mentally ill (again, typically from PTSD symptoms), as at the time, mental disorders in general were looked down upon in a manner far exceeding any controversial or taboo content regarding such health problems. And of note, Alcohol and Nicotine were exempt and just about completely ignored by what would be known as the Controlled Substances Act.

Fast forward over 4 decades - America is now the world's biggest jailer by far with ~25% of the world's prison population; approximately $1,500,000,000,000 USD in tax payer money has been spent on the war on drugs; every prison in America has been infiltrated with the same 'street drugs' for which a countless number of mostly non-violent Americans are in there for; drug kingpins either remain untouchable, or are able to somehow escape maximum security prisons on multiple occasions, and their yearly combined ~$350,000,000,000 in laundered USD drug dealing waiting lists are never-ending; street drugs are increasingly available, increasingly diverse, and priced lower to anyone without the need to show I.D; and there has been absolutely no tangible progress made by the DEA and their associates - none, zero, zilch, nada.

If there's a lesson to be learned from the war on (certain) drugs, it is this: The moment that a governing body decides to meddle in the personal (and in the case of simple drug possession, victimless) affairs of its citizens by (in a spectacular display of futility) forcibly removing and criminalizing access to a person, place or thing that they commonly resort to (or in some cases, rely on), a power vacuum is nearly always left in its place - one that organized crime likely shall never be deterred to almost immediately begin to exploit purely for profit.

And why wouldn't they? The fact of the matter is that their government has all but handed them the keys to supplying that demand on a silver platter (at a level of risk which will influence little more than pricing). And after comparing historical events of our species' very short time inhabiting this planet, it's clear that the financial exploitation of the war on (certain) drugs (in the form of a pattern established thousands of years ago) leads to an all-too-common eventuality that can be applied to just about any 'supply and demand' scenario.

Combine the above with an enduring legacy of blatant, shameless, greedy, long term hypocrisy ("Drugs are bad - stay away kids, don't ever touch them, okay? Good. Excuse me, I'm gonna go have a smoke."), deceit (such as the DEA's views of parity on the acute and long term risks re. Weed vs. Heroin) and double standards (by way of embracing pretty much anything that contains Ethyl Alcohol and is considered fit for human consumption), and eventually, society will sure as hell reach a chaotic tipping point, where no one will stand for it any longer despite the potential consequences.

The reality is that more and more people are turning to clandestinely synthesized 'street drugs' because of increasingly-tightening laws regarding their Rx counterparts. And more and more non-violent, otherwise law-abiding Americans are reporting being unjustly exploited by viciously violent law enforcement officers who routinely abuse Asset Forfeiture, Stop 'n Frisk, Mandatory Minimums and Three Strikes Laws (all meant to be used solely on drug dealers) because more arrests means greater bonuses and promotions (more money in their pockets each year, and it's truly sickening to witness).

All in all, our society has suffered more so from the war on drugs than it has from the street drugs themselves, and still some people believe it's a good thing to continue the status quo?! No one benefits more from prohibition of anything in constant demand than organized crime. This fact should have been made awfully clear when we tried to ban Alcohol, and reign of gangland terror soon followed until the very end.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein + "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana = the war on drugs in a nutshell
You are such a babe. I'm going to ask you out. And if you say no, well, I won't take it for an answer. I mean, I'll take it as an answer, and then ignore it. Not in a rapey way - no means no, I get that. I mean it in a Notebook kinda way (all though I've never seen it.) Romantic like. Yeah, i'm not very good at this.

So please come for a drink with me. I want to get to know you. What I like about you is that you don't remind me of anyone I know. You make me laugh, and I love your rebelliousness. I can see the individualism in you, and its hot. You have big, beautiful eyes, and a smile to match. Cheeky, full, and bright. You seem like a good girl - in the streets. I'm not implying you're a freak in the sheets... But don't lie to me. You like to get a bit weird. ;)

Before I get any weirder, I'll stop.

Go out with me Emily, I think you're cute.
A few hours used to take away the pain, all the emotions you feel. Even the pleasant ones, make everything neutral, like nothing exists, you don't even exist. Then take that black void and add some colour, some memories, some hopes and dreams. Add the things you've done and wished you've seen. Fill in all the space, light up the room, keep going, it's going, to...... explode!.... Everything is lost, memories and dreams burned to ash, wasted, another use of destruction's love, enchantingly cursing. Yet another world gone. Yet another taken over, invaded by this parasite that multiplies when I try to tell it that I'm right. It holds me still, and tells me it's chill, it's all good we can share the same brain, but this guy is freakin' me out! Every day he screams and shouts that he wants more, more, more! What's the score gonna be? When this monster completely engulfs me and feeds off those ashes of my burnt hopes and dreams, and everything that I like....and love, yeah maybe I do love things, that's right tough guy! They say love will overcome all war, I know you want to prove that wrong and have me tied here wondering why I can't feel emotions the way most other people do.. It's because of you. You destroyed me, from the inside, slowly out, an infestation of thoughts I hated. A putrid beast with my face painted right on it. I know you aren't me, and we'll see. I'll defeat your evil teases and greed. Fuck you, you're nothing but a tick, a leech, right in my bloodstream. You're combined, entwined with my DNA, it's so hard to stay away from you. You said we were stuck like glue, best friends forever through all our endeavours and adventures. I should have known you to be so clever. But it's time to step down. I'm the owner of this situation and every action in it. You have no control over my actions.... but every time I seem to say that, you laugh and we look back to all the burnt ashes of what was and could'vs. It really makes me sad, super sad that we had such great times that I have to try hard to think aren't that bad because you know, things could have been worse..... things could have been a lot worse. I suppose you're my curse, and I've gotta learn to love ya, but if you're gonna be my curse teach me what it is to truly love. You hide me from the outside, always staying sheltered in. It's comfortable staying where everything is familiar and that's why we've known eachother for so long.. It's always been this way. I'm afraid we have to part ways though, my friend............my friend. How can I leave you if you are my friend? Don't do this to me I know this is one of your tactics to make me stay alongside your sleazy part of my psyche. I know you're here for life, but I gotta fight for what I think is right. Even though I don't necessarily believe in right or wrong, your presence just makes me unwell, sick, emotionally and physically which must mean somthing, it can't be a joke. You masquerade has fooled me one too many times and I really feel it's time for you to die.. Die, you wormy motherfucker... die.
I ran out of gabapentin 5 days ago and started experiencing somekind of withdrawals. I have been taking low doses of Xanax to eliminate them. I will get the gabapentin refilled tomorrow and see if I am addicted to benzos and gabapentin or just gabapentin. I am scared. I know I am walking a fine line with the benzos. If the it is just gabapentin withdrawal then I am going to take a good long break from benzos. fuck me. Even when I am trying to do right I en up fucking up. Pray to the drug gods that it is not a benzo addiction please.
The next morning, before the sun came up, I hopped on my flight to Cebu. When I arrived I messaged the girl I had come to see and told her that I was going to catch a taxi into Cebu City and hit up a physician and get a morphine prescription. I had such a strange feeling as that city is where my ex-wife lives and has lived since running away with her lover.

I had plenty of Oxycodone, Dihydrocodeinone, Promethazine and Diazepam- not to mention the bottles of methadone that I still had. However I just needed time to let it sink in, being back in Cebu, acclimating and all. It is difficult to find a physician who can even write prescriptions for controlled substances as I have discussed at length in previous posts. It costs doctors there a pretty penny to even get the liscence which is needed on an annual basis, and then there is the fact that not very many Filipinos can even afford controlled substances. For example, a locally produced morphine is the least expencive. 3 grammes in the form of one hundred 30mg Instant Release (IR) hypodermic microdots costs about $70.00 US. The Philippines doesnt really have a middle class to speak of but that price is a month's wages for the poor that constitute the bulk of the over country's population. So, for analgesia they rely upon garbage like Lyrica or even Nabulphine. In the countryside they even utilise Anti Psychotic medications as they did with my former mother in law when she was horribly burned.

On weekends. and holidays it is a relatively simple endeavour. Because the hospital has an oncology section the ER always has an intern or resident with the necessary liscence. My experience has been that if I go in there and explain that I live on Mindanao and have run out of medication they will quickly and politely write me a prescription for any amount up to 100 tablets. Going there at 10AM on a weekday howevever it is an entirely different story...To be continued...
I am not sure what on earth caused me to log onto this website, I have very little to no record of my life before this year, having burned all pictures and journals, deleted all blogs and social network accounts and trying to delete any trace of myself on the internet, this website came to mind randomly. Now I wanted to delete this account but It appears I cant, even some of my posts are glued on here possibly forever. So, I suppose I would just give my official farewell to this lifestyle and this site, and try to redeem myself. Here is my closing statement.

I sit here writing to you at age 31, having started on a path of indulgence in drugs and alcohol at around 17, and really stepping into the realm of drug experimentation and dependence around 22. I had met my first love then, and perplexed by the fact that he wished to attempt to spend his life with me, I was determined to hold on to him since I didnt deem myself worthy of any kind of love and thought that the opportunity would never come again. You see, I was a very lost and dark scared confused young woman then, I dont think I could call myself a woman even at the time. I hated life and didnt see its point, its purpose. It seemed cruel-this world (and yes it is ) and there was no light within reach. My heart was black, hard. My self esteem was slim to none. My consciousness-underdeveloped-and stagnantly in a perpetual loop of ignorance, hatred and fear. But there was a tiny, little ray of hope, and a small little flicker of a will to survive and discover truth-and it was enough to keep me holding on by a thread for the next 7 years.

I have deleted most of the evidence here that revealed the atrocious amount of drugs I put into my body, but I can tell you that it was an unGodly amount, and should have either made me brain-dead or dead period-but thank God I am alive here today writing this to you with only minor issues left to tackle. (though self work is a lifelong process) This lifestyle was one epic escape, but an impermanent, fading pseudo-solution to the deep need to evolve in consciousness and in the heart, because it is nothing but a chemical illusion. I cant say that, I didnt have experiences that didn't leave me amazed, euphoric, thoughtful, and able to look at things from unique states of consciousness and perspective. I Cant say it wasnt fun sometimes. I can say however that I took it too far. It became the only reality I wanted to exist in, It became my focus and my only spiritual path. It lead me to a whole lot of false "realizations" and false spirituality. Because of that, i opened up pandoras box in the realm of evil. Also, I couldnt withhold the waking reality I truly lived in. I crashed and burned more times than necessary. Some really horrible, painful events took place that smashed my heart into a million pieces. I lost everything and I lost myself.

I couldn't get back up without falling down harder. I tried to cover up my pain with the band-aid of Benzo-diazepines and ended up a loopy airheaded zombie addict with a huge lack of judgment and a careless approach toward life and decision making which only made my issues worse. How come, after every single dose of psychedelics, over time the experience just faded and I was left confused again? Because its false, thats why. Real spirituality comes in sobriety with discipline and truth only comes from the state of truth that the heart resides within. Many people-even myself will fight tooth and nail for psychedelics and certain drugs-and I am sure there is a time and place for them when the idea of pharmaceuticals is out of the question and it should be avoided at all costs when possible-But I would not recommend a young person to dive into these realms especially when you really don't know the truth of what you are doing when you make such a decision. Your body is a sacred blessing given to you, you don't own it. To abuse it, is an evil and arrogant thing to do.

To make a very long story short-Apparently this was my path and every event -though so many of them so seemingly unnecessary-lead me to this moment. This moment, very sober, living a normal adult life finally after fighting to get on my feet for so long, after discovering Islam-even with the worlds so deeply disturbed interpretation of it-It was and is the best decision of my life, and a path worth fighting for. I am happy. I am alive. I am engaged to be married to the most kindhearted loving pure person I have ever known in my life. I am blessed, happy , and striving so hard to purify my heart daily. I am sorry for, the mess I shared on this website , in the event that I may have given misguiding information or encouraged a behavior which was detrimental to the soul. I was lost.

If it is the truth you seek, if it is the path of the heart you seek, if you have the courage-Call out for it, and be sincere-You will in the right time-discover it. God willing.
I have been told since childhood that everybody dreams in Black and White. The people who told me this were old. As with hair, maybe the color fades from dreams with age. This is an entry from a notebook in which I wrote about a dream I had exactly 10 years ago, Jan 2006. I’ve always dreamed in vivid color, and this was a colorful dream.

A wide, grassy valley ran North and South between high mountains under an azure sky. They were not like most mountains which to me are overgrown hills whose tops one can reach in a morning of walking. Instead, were as mountains should be. They were steep, awe-inspiring mountains with snowy tops. They seemed to reach into the celestial realms. The meadow I stood in was spotted with millions of colorful wild flowers painted from a vivid palette. Here and there across the valley were small forests, groves, and hills. A river flowed from between two forested ribs of the mountain closest to me to the East. I approached the river and followed it into a little valley or gorge that cut deep into the root of the mountain.The path ended at a waterfull streaming down a 10000 foot cliff. A rainbow formed where the spray caught the sunlight. Above the roar of the cascade, I heard singing. At the top of the fall was a woman. She cried and her tears formed the cascade. I stood at the bottom holding a prospector's pan trying to catch the tears. They had little bits of gold in them. Every now and than, I bent down and used the pan to get the gold from the sand in the bottom of the stream.

The singing was strange as though performed by a chorus of circus clowns:
"Stella on the silver screen,
was once a silent movie queen"

There were many more words to the song, but it was a struggle to remember even those few until the end of the dream and until I had a chance to wake up and scribble them into the notebook beside my sleeping palette in the dark. I don't know where that dream came from. It sounds like a fake "Indian Legend" I read about and forgot and this was a re-hash of the story in the form of a dream.

At the time, I was lving alone in a rented house in Dinky Town, Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was around 4 am, and I had just woken from that dream. After writign down the dream and going to the toilet and I couldnt get back to sleep so I decided I would have an Out-of-Body-Experience (OBE) instead. So I relaxed, got the “Kundalini” oscillating hard and finally a strong pulse of "kundalini" pushed me into the astral plane. Kundalini is a phenomenon one feels physically but whose nature is not understood. This was a promissing start to an OBE.

I floated weightless through empty blackness for a moment not knowing where I was or which way was up. Soon, my vision cleared. I could see the details of the darkroom vividly and in full color. My visual perspective was spherical. Briefly, it's kind of like having eyes in the back of your head. Everything in front, behind, to the sides, above, and below is simultaneously visible. Spatial perspective is not consistent. Humans are used to going in the direction they are looking, so navigatiion can be difficult when looking in all directions at once for the first time in life but without realizing it. The non-Euclidian viewpoint of Spherical Vision didn’t confuse me this time.

I did my usual check for corespondance with the waking world. I drifted around the house making sure everyint was in its place. The dresser was in its place. Book shelves were okay. The laptop was on the table. Piles of junk mail, papers, pens, pencils, pocket change, and dirty napkins were on the table where I had been tossign them for the past year. Specifically, I was tryig nto make sure I hadn’t accidently drifted into some Alice in Wonderland dream world that is only a reflection of the shadows of my mind.

That’s what usually happens in OBEs. They start out being dead on real as in you can see the dead squirrel in your neighbor's backyard, wake up, go outside, look over their fence, and see that there really is a dead squirrel in their yard that had not been there the day before. But after those first few mind-blowing brilliant moments that break the known laws of physics, something quickly goes wrong. Often, I guess, dealing with the spherical visual field, someting so alien most cannot even imagine it, confuses the astral traveler, and the experience degenerates. At this point, it is no longer OBE at all but has turned into a dream that is not worth remembering.

As I entered the kitchen, I felt an overwhelming urge to go down into the basement. I hate going into basements during OBEs. Anything underground like caves, cemetaries, and abandoned buildings are creepy. They remind me of openings to the Underworld which is full of horrible un-dead things and walking nightmares. The basement door that opened off the kitchen was shut, and it was not openable so I had to float through it. I distinctly felt the splintery wood and a tugging in my solar plexus as I phased through it. On the other side of the door, the stairway was dark. I heard ominous clicking sounds, chirps, and rhythmic whistling all around. I was getting scared, and I kept thinking “Gateway to Hell.” I drifted down the dark stairway. Lights don’t work during OBEs so I didn’t bother trying to turn the switch. The stairway seemed like a long dark tunnel in a carnival fun house with weird flickering lights inside the walls. It was definitely too long to be the basement stairway. Finally, there was light at the bottom of the tunnel.

I almost never see real living people during OBEs. If anything, beloved pets that died during my childhood greet me. I was very surprised to see y landlord, Clint, in the basement. He was healthy and happy yet had a strangely sheepish look as though he was ashamed of something.

I said “Hello,” and he pointed to a white wall. I knew Clint to be a man of few words. Usually, there is an 8 foot Scar Face poster (he put it there when he decorated the hosue) on that wall, but this time, there was a hand painted mural covering the wall. That was not supposed to be there. I was no longer anywhere near reality. I had fallen Down the Rabbit HOle into a normal pointless dream.

Clint was looking at me intently, seemingly eager to tell me somethign. He was standing beside the mural holding a paint brush and a palette of paints. I didnt know he was interested in art. He was an auto mechanic at a garage he owned. He collected bicycles and drove a Harely Davidson motorcycle. Those were the only hobbies of his I knew about. I never took him to be somebody who had the ability to consciously enter the Astral Plane either.

I had been acquqinted with Clint for around 1 year by now, but we had never said more than a few words to each other. He generally didn’t like students. He owned the house but I only dealt with his wife when paying rent. Like most middle aged MInnesotans, Clint and his wife were friendly and had a folksy Mid West vibe. They often visited the coffee shop together nearby tath I would study in, yet we never talked. So why was he here?

My curiosity piqued, I gave him my full attention. He wanted to tell me the Meaning of Life. I remember thinking big things about tryign to solve world poverty, cure cancer, achieve world peace, discover faster than light space flight, immortality, etc.

He pointed to the painting. It gave off a strong impression of being incomplete, but I couldnt figure out what was missing as I examined it. It was a life like paintin of Minneapolis with a city skyline against a dark blue sky during a colorful sunrise or sunset. The painting was impossibly detailed. It was full of tiny realistic people going about their lives in the cityscape. He said it represented life or collective humanity on earth as a whole. He wasn't using words, but was thinking at me telepathically. EVery human life, no matter how short, seemingly worthless, rotten, or insignificant, contributes a significant and necessary brushstroke in this painting that advances it to its evolving completion. EAch life has its own place in the painting. They all blend together, sometimes completmenting at other places clashing, to create this work of art that ends up being a beautiful and strangely harmonious maserpiece.

He wielded his brush, dipping its bristles into some golden/red pigment, and made a very precise and delicate stroke completing the crimson clouds in a magnificent sunset. Now the painting was complete. Every life makes one brush stroke and Clint had made his one. I don’t know the meaning of life, but I was happy that Clint had found it.

Two days later, I went into the coffee shop. The owner, Dave, greeted me. “Your usual?”

“Yes please”

I pulled back a stool, thunked my book-filled back pack onto the wooden counter, and sat while he pulled the special big blue 24 ounce coffee mug from the shelf that is usually reserved only for me and filled it.

“Hey did you hear about Clint?”

“Clint, our landlord?” we were each renting a place from him in the area. “No,” I said.

He spoke very quietly as he set my coffee and cream on the counter in front of me, “he died two days ago.”

“What happened?”

“It was the problem he had that I told you about.”

“What?”

“YOu remember.”

“Ohhhhh,” finally realising that DAve had told me Clint was horribly addicted to crack cocaine and everybody was worried about him.

“ His wife found him dead yesterday in his garage. He had a heart attack, from an overdose,” he whispered.

After that, I would see his wife a few times a week either at the coffee shop or around Dinky Town for the year I still lived there, and I always thought aobut that dream when I saw her. I had never raelly talked to her before then, but after that, I would have conversations with her. It was always about daily stuff like town life or gardening or sthing, ;I never told her about that dream.
Slept great, up early and through the breakfast routine. I'm working my way through some coffee beans that have a nice tobacco flavour. Early afternoon is when I'm most productive usually, while I'm having my morning coffee I'll get on the workstation, connect servers, check mail, check eBay, check trades, check forums while charting. Somewhere in between I chew some Nicorette and that puts my mind into overdrive for a bit. The present reality is the markets are knackered. I don't think it's a bear market like the doomers portray it as being (as they have been since time immemorial) but there's definitely a massive global deleveraging going on. This is bad for a speculative trader like myself, so it feels like one of those times when the only way to win is not to play.

Sunday I was around town looking for electronics to scavenge. I need to pound pavement and start finding better sources. New components seem to cost too much these days, having to pay RadioShack prices at places that used to sell closer to wholesale. Stores in general seem to be getting shittier and more expensive. I go to places like Home Depot now just to grab prices, go home, order a more suitable version off Amazon or eBay for less and those usually arrive in under a week anyway. Really the only reason I need to go out anymore is for groceries and gasoline. It's nice because being outdoors has become a luxury not a chore. The downside is that home has become more of a workplace, but I do enjoy that. What do I need a breakfast table for? To eat breakfast, the rest of the time it might as well be a packaging station. What do I need a bedroom for? To sleep, the rest of the time it might as well be a home office. The kitchen is my server room, which is a silly place for it really but it's the closest place to the phone jack that's out of the way.

I should get out more but I don't really want to go anywhere and the only things for fun around here are trips to the arcade, pool hall, stuff like that. I don't drink much these days, it's just money I'd rather spend elsewhere. I'm almost the only person I know who drinks anyway. No joke. It's like I'm a teetotaller magnet or something. Travelling is expensive, and stressful when single. I don't have a good mind for certain details. I flip-flop between extremes too often. I'm the sort who shows up to the airport four hours pre-flight with three different routes planned in case anything goes wrong, then realize I arrived way too early, get drunk in the airport bar and nearly miss the flight.

When springtime comes around I might trek out somewhere natural and make BHO in the bushes. It's kind of far to go to make BHO but at least there's a good chance it'll get done without any prying eyes wondering what's up. Maybe I'll invite my one remaining dealer mate, haven't seen him in a while and I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing how I make oil. We could dab some and have BBQ. He's a good dude at heart but has too many evil schemes. Speaking of which, there was the murder trial of another old dealer mate just last week. We all knew each other years ago, I was never that close to him, but I still never saw him as a bad person. So it's sad what happened, it sounded more like negligence causing death to me but I balked when it came time to decide if I would show for the trial. I can think of other dealers I knew who probably ended up in worst situations. But that's in the past, frantic and flawed, best not to dredge it up. On quiet nights though, I can't help thinking in wistful ways and romanticizing darker times. Sometimes in my dreams I'm roaming around the streets I roamed in 2000-2005 as if I were really there, lost in a fragment of time that I keep getting trapped in the memory of like some character in a Tennesee Williams play.
Hi, my name is Matthew, and I'm a cynicaholic. I keep needing more and more cynicahol everyday, and my tolerance is getting out of control.

They say if you scratch the surface of a cynicaholic, you'll find a disappointed recovering idealist. It's a stupid old adage, really - recovering idealist is just another word for realist, really.

What i'm trying to say is, I'm an incurable drug addict. That's my main point. Actually, that's my only point.
I wrote this in the light of the current battle I'm undertaking with my mothers breast cancer. We have lost many close friends, indeed best friends, to cancer in the past couple of years. It seems like death is constantly by our sides.

I'm still quite young, and being forced to contemplate mortality as I have has helped me grow as a person and take life affirming lessons away from what is by first appearances nothing more than a tragic, terrifying inevitability.

----------

I thought it true and certain
My love was locked away
A distant fading vista
A landscape long foregone

From depths unchecked again it swells and churns within my chest
This feeling re-emerging
Which once I thought was dead.

It's not for man or girl or land
I've kindled this new burning
It's for the world and human kind
My Amore is yearning.

A will to love and be loved back
As hungry as can be
As life is short and death is long
A constant ghost to me.

See death he creeps and haunts my dreams
My spirit does resist
And in the time that I have left
It's love I do insist.

It's love I will persist
To seek and always hold
My cynical and leathered heart has been rebound in gold.

I dream that years unfold,
Of romance kin and clan
My children laughing happily
The most highest of plans

And as I slowly come of age,
My teenage angst behind me
Even now, the truth be told
Death dwells here right beside me

He's come and let himself reside
So high up in my vision
By seeking those closest to me
He undertakes his mission

But till he strikes and does his job my love he cannot rob; it seems in spite of what he does I won't regress and sob

I'll end this note with death in mind and send him this clear message - by being close you've done me good and taught me count my blessings.
Endometriosis. Booked in for surgery on 31 March. I am shit scared.
On this day I did not surrender. I fought the battle. The allied forces won. The fight was against alcohol. In a series of synchronicities I was given a path to 3-MEO-PCP. I took it. The desire to drink has been eliminated, for today. Grateful af. Maybe I'll surrender this week.
So I keep teetering on the idea of actually posting my experiments when I do them on my blog for 2 reasons:

1) People are jerks and they dont read or reply to blogs thus creating more of a journal thing. I do like that because I can write how I feel and not think my life is on an movie screen for all Greenlighters to see but at the same time spurring some interest in blogs may be good for others.

2) People are stupid jerks and dont understand chemistry, I am a stupid jerk that does and it is my goal to make all the worlds jerks like I am, interested in science and chemistry. Someday a major goal of mine will be getting kids into chemistry as it is the saving grace in my life and its what i live for so I cant picture my life without it.

Some background as to why:

Someone was kind enough to introduce me to science when i was an infant, quite literally i wanted to be a weatherman/storm chaser when i was 8 (not an exaggeration) I even met local weathermen at science expos in the area thanks to my mother when i was about 10. My parents went above and beyond i owned a telescope a microscope and a chemistry set by the time i was 12 and was checking out books on matter and energy, radiation and weather systems before i could fully understand the material. I took the Chemistry SAT in high school for fun, my chemistry teacher at the time amazed because as he said "we havent even covered a year of material, how did you get a 590/700 on something you never learned" Well duh i study outside of school because i buy chemistry books or did in 2005. All of this accumulated into me majoring in chemistry at Uconn for 3 years, getting to advanced inorganic 2 prior to losing funding and being forced out (double majored in psychology too)

But the major problem I am having is a lot of it can lead to unintended outcomes if i share information and as this isnt the amateur chemistry website i do actually post on people may not be so understanding about Iodine's many uses and only focus on one. I remember when I first got into organic chemistry i was amazed at how many scheduled chemicals they had in the open, come to find out the US schedules most things thanks to meth cooks and although all of my documents are in order at home along with lab reports and invoices and uses of all items it may not be the same for you people.

Right now I am documenting my extraction of Piperine so maybe I will start there, plus I did spend like 800 dollars on glass this year it would be cool to show off the equipment of my craft, most of it is "Chemglass" brand, not that it means anything to you guys but it means i spent like 4X on American made glass when you can get the same thing for nothing from China, never thought id be a label whore ;)

We will see in the upcoming weeks because i would love to go on endlessly about chemistry with new people, those around me lose interest faster then myself so new people are always welcome.
This is just a quick notice to anyone who may wonder where I've gone:

I will no longer be posting any significant posts on BL anymore; will be starting full time work soon and I have other commitments and little projects in my life that will require my full attention, and I will only be spending time on the computer to fulfill these tasks.. unfortunately BL is a novelty not a commitment. It's been awhile coming anyway I think.. posting on the internet seems like pissing into the wind on so many different levels, though the one which grates me the most is just actual interaction.. internet posting takes and takes but does not give anything back, unlike real relationships.

Anywho, it's been emotional. All the best to anyone and everyone x
I weighed 110 pounds as a 27 year old 5 foot 10 inch man/child? when I first walked into the clinic at the end of April. I broke 180 pounds on the grocery store scale today. That's 70 pounds in 9 months for those of you keeping score at home. With no sign of slowing down I am well on my way to obesity. Its really funny because for years I was scary skinny. Like people honestly thought I had cancer or AIDS kinda skinny. I just cant win for losing I guess. Oh well bring on the diabetes!
Took 20mgs. Some sedation felt through the day. Perhaps some body load also. Noticed what could be kidney pressure in the evening

Aborted due to concerns about the lack of research and lack of regular users.
Cravings.

I have cravings. Lots of them. I am trying to avoid giving into them as much as I can. I just don't have the money to afford anything at the moment. But that will change. I can also do some shady shit, but I don't want to do that either. It's also fucking cold as shit outside. But sometimes the cold can make opiates even better. That warm fuzzy blanket on my tingly brain...

And cocaine.

Oh, my cruel Mistress, Cocaine. I don't know which one I love more. Heroin and Cocaine. Cocaine and Heroin. Maybe I just love speedballing.

I know I'll be getting my tax return fairly soon, so I might have to go and quench this thirst once again. I don't really want to, but then I do really want to. I want to get as high as humanly possible and have my brain awash in those awesome chemicals that make happiness into a physical feeling.

I am not sure what I want.

I am so afraid of dying from using drugs. I don't want to have a heart attack and die from using cocaine or speedballing and have my brother or girlfriend come home and find my dead body. That's a scenario I play over and over in my head. I used to feel invincible, but now I feel fragile. And I haven't truly overdosed yet. (At least, not to the point of needing medical intervention. Not that I want to, but I am just stating fact. Knock on wood.)

I have a G Pen and some weed. That's been alright.

I was picking up my meds at Walgreens the other day. Klonopin and Suboxone. The pharmacist said to me, "Don't drink and drive with these." I was like... really? Seriously? Okay, buddy. I am pretty sure you're not supposed to drink and drive anyway, but whatever, I'll take it...

So now I'm just burning fucking candles and drinking coffee and trying to wrap my brain around turning 30 in 6 months. What the fuck. Where has the time gone? Why do I still live here? Where am I going in my life? Fuck.

I just want a gram of cocaine, a bundle of heroin and some crack rocks... and a hotel room and a pack of Marlboro menthol lights and a couple of blunts and a handful of Xanax and a bottle of vodka... and just some time to myself. I want to stop taking my Suboxone for a couple of days so I can REALLY get high. UGH. This is where I fuck up. I keep teasing myself and listening to Elliott Smith and looking at dope porn... it's just momentary until you masturbate, right?

FUCK MY NEIGHBOR...
So these have been some of the most extreme months regarding changes in my life, following a year of very big changes. As the rest of my blog shows my, now former girlfriend, and i going into heroin addiction and getting out of it for the better. It is with a strange feeling in my heart that i say, we have decided to leave the old life behind and see what is out in the world for us. It is a nice way of saying, we arent dating anymore? Or more aptly put "we have decided to remain best friends as we do not have anyone else but we have lost our sexual contact as heroin had made it dwindle and in a sense not much has changed"

She keeps trying to tell me that I accepted it so readily because we haven't been in love for a while; i fully disagree. I know the reason i accepted it so easily is its time for her to take all that we have learned about ourselves and apply it to the world. Our relationship started off wonderful, went into the depths of heroin addiction and all that comes with it, only to come out the other end the both of us better for it. For the first time in my life i can literally look back and say i have changed so much.

My relationship with my former g/f has taught me things i never knew about myself. For years we held a relationship based on love together even though crippling opiate addiction through all the fighting, she never had a job so i 100% paid for her, everything we went though we made it out fine. We made it out so fine that we actually became better because of it. I never thought i would have a relationship end and i would think:

How can I be upset, when we met we were both terribly depressed individuals who had nothing but years of self loathing and confidence shattering experiences. We are both really gifted in the fact we are intelligent and very caring but that only serves to make one more upset when they are young in a world with an opposing view, now we have matured into our own. I can fully understand her desire to go out into the world and not have to view me as the source of everything, as i am sure she did coming to rely on my paycheck for dope even to shoot her up as she does know how. I want her to be her own person and she can only do so by going out into the world. I hold the believe that if its meant to be something will bring us together as we obviously still really care for each other.

I am having a hard time organizing this in a coherent and easy to follow manner for some reason i guess i have a lot to say on it and no one other then her to talk about it with. But i did say this to her in an email "its ok because for the first time I am happy i feel like viewing it objectively look at how much better we are, we grew into confident strong individuals becasue of being with each other. Because of my relationship with (her name) I now know who i am, the things i am capable of doing for love, the amount i would be willing to struggle to make a loved one happy the fact that in the end I knew our love for one anther would make it out alive, and it did. It worked so well i understand the final phase is seeing the world respond to us, to you, and everything we are now. I dont want to hold you back I want you to make the final transformation into a confident and take no shit person you should be and I know the final step is time off."

Then we had the talk about how if we do sleep with other people and get back together we wont hold it against each other. We must be really special people to take a terrible heroin addicted couple and turn it into two distinct people with life goals and dreams and the ability to change the world through the struggle of two, something they say is always one sided. Even if we never get back together i am forever thankful for i would not be who i am today without her.
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