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andddd lemmi tell you yo, what a trip it has been
seattle, then Portland? the Alamo/sanantonio Houston, and now
back home.


those were some fun, and not so fun times.
seattle was a meth fueld weedsmoke times, still went to work everyday tll the job ended,
moved to Portland, work and meth&heroin ended there(well heroin began in Houston).
started back banging brown dope on the reg while I was working, ended up losing my job, over some heigerarchy bullshit that I have to deal with at work, and being a lineman, I felt like I was entitled..
didn't steal anything, just mf said I failed for barbs on a pisstest which I took using fake piss. like shit bought at a headshop.
well,moved back home to start a job, and well
job did't last verylong.
was enrolled to take fiberoptic splicing courses like next week, sept the instructor had a family emergency in Dubai, man fucking sucks, there went my 007.
so now, kinda back home with my thumb up my ass, havnt talked with ex boss since seattle, hes working in tennense, so not that far from AL if I gotta travel n shit right?
ill let u know h0ow it goes.

I'm breaking a 2 day opiate fast. Tired of yawning all the time and I'm not in a good mood. I caught a bad cold as soon as I quit. Other than that, I didn't have any physical symptoms. No problems sleeping. I've taken something almost every day for about 3 years. As long as I have avoided injecting and the run with fentanyl, I haven't had any real problems. In my case, it's no worse than caffeine.

Ugh. Minor rant, so sorry if i'm stepping on peoples vibes. I just had to cancel a rtn trip to Melbourne there because I fucked up my benzo taper. Was supposed to be leaving 1st December, 13 days time 30+ weather, christmas with old friends on the beach, mate even said I could crash at his and he had a 91 Toyota I could use. I also had made a few inroads into approaching companies re another sponsorship (I was sponsored before on a business visa 157 4 years doing a real handy job for too much money).

But at the CEO's party I was ambushed by a completely free bar, got in a row over a deal - not blowing my trumpet, well maybe I am, because I feel I've precious little to be proud of). But I was top sales bum. 1st 1st 1st 2nd 3rd . It was really a combination of accent, speedy maths, sycophancy and hunger. There's a saying in sales that your only as good as your last sale - I'd like to add a cravat to that, your only as good as the last time you got paralytic drunk, called your line manager a cunt and had a good old drunken wrestle inside the CEO'S $4m home.

So Monday, clear out my desk, visa tied to the job so 90 days to impress a company enough to spend around $12k. So I seen a few sites got in a few fights and landed wretched way way from all my mates over there. Meanwhile people are settling down, and I'm getting older and I've got a job that pays a 1/3rd and is much much more stressful and long. Long days - 8am - 6pm, often later, often expected to front exhibitions, receiving - seriously £15 for a £9300 sale. Driving around 120 miles a day. Playing sales and customer service - and everything on metrics

So when the shit hits the fan, what does the mind of the addict do? (I am an addict - I don't judge anyone else) Increase the speed of the fan and the frequency of the shit. Benzo's, linctus, shit why pay £2 a modafinil when half a kilo can be legally imported for considerably less. And this is where online RC stores have a lot to answer for - you want 25 - there's 34. You want well 250 2mg etizolam well have an extra 125 on us. And you think this is great.

But your still dry at the end of the month. Waking with a Mexican wrestler squatting on your solar-plexus, making demands, demands so intense you sleep with the baggy under your pillow, knowing 4mg of eitz will keep him occupied till brunch, then dinner, then a double dose for supper because you know he's saddling kilo's through the AM.

Your slow, missing appointments, blackberry bleeps disappointment. the finally your brick of Modafinil turns up - Pow, no more late starts, in fact the odd sleepless night allows you imagination to run riot and when that wrestler climbs the ropes ready to smash your solar plexus, you've ow got the drop on him - 6am dosing. Thatcher ran the country (into the ground) on 5 hrs sleep, surely you can medicate your way on 4hrs, traversing the provence, surveying farms beyond the reach of any GPS - this routine doesn't sit right, the 2 highly potent drugs battle hard for your receptors. You can be motoring along on modafinil. Excel charts pop out like doves from a black tie magician - Initial out lay, graduated 25 year cell efficiency, adjusted against interest rates, re-adjusted against energy inflation - the from the peripheral your asked do you take tea or coffee - and you don't fucking know, you have to take one, you always take one, but its a blind bend. the afternoons 14 mg of etizolam cannot compute - you want out - you want a plane ticket. Confidence that most Quixotic, is making a break for the door. sliding of the laptop, stealing the bright hues of the brochure's and the 11yr old's interest. This is a £26k pitch here. Only a corp marshall's authority and integrity allow for a narrative structure and no it must flow flawlessly as if choreographed by Ana Pavlova herself - and you'e changed your mind about tea or coffee twice.

It's gone, get out, the mexicans wrestlers are on the horizon and in greater numbers. A floundering appeal on behalf of the 40 miles before the tactical withdrawal, 16% per annum Mr Random Cunt, no other government backed scheme comes close, nice residual income stream. And all this is true - manufacturer's cost of equipment is £9,000 Wholesaler £14,000 Retail £26,000

I miss being younger. I like thinking/feeling like a kid sometimes, letting the world open up in front of me and walking confidently into it. But the world has been shrinking ever since I passed the quarter-century marker on my mortal coil. In the high-school, work and dorm years I felt like I could fuck around because I was surrounded by people who were likewise naive and immature and comfortable with life (just not their place in it). But now we all feel self-imposed pressure to force serious and we can't even hide our apathy anymore. And we're always apathetic. Everyone is growing up or moving on or whatever but everyone seems to be getting more wound up and worn down as well. It's like we're marginalizing life in order to live. How the fuck can we be so miserable when we're so surrounded by wealth and good fortune?

That reminds me, I have a great business idea, a revolution in businessing: Life As A Service. Picture a service that bullshits on Facebook for you, lols on Twitter, answers your e-mails and connects by wifi to a module in your brain that can automatically detect when you give a fuck in the process of determining whether to inform you that a text message from that person you really wish the service hadn't given your digits to has been received. People will pledge loyalty to this marvelous new paradigm, and we'll break new ground and earn more money and fulfill all our ambitions and try our hardest to completely and utterly bury the kids we used to be until something in our collective minds fucking snaps and we revert to drooling, dawdling infants in a spectacle of cosmic karma; the price to pay for all our self-justified decadence.

last night began with me dranking, 12 Michelob ultras, fallowed by a 4pk tallboys of natural ice.

needless to say the fridge(light) stopped working, I kinda noticed it not working when I stuffd a 12 pack of cardboard boxd beer in the fridge, the light stopped working.
so didn't think much of it, I wake up this morning.
hungover as living hell, where I took a early 4:30am type shower, puked up fucking hashbrowns.no idea where they came from,(I live next to a waffle house(
so anyways, I feel like fucking total shit, and what do I go? go fooliing around seeing why the fridge light stopped working. I stick my hand into the dark fridge, and feel up top, and no shit,i saw sparks, shocked the living shit out of myself, my headache is gone, guess the addrenlin said yo nigga u just shocked yourself.
I look at my hand, and theres still some shit on my middle finger, still glowing red, wat that shit was maybe the copper filament? or w,e was welding itself(or trying to) to my finger, wish I had token a pick, because no shit, had black marks on my finger, on wat happens when u go stickin that hand where its not supposed to be(electrical outlets).
after looking at my finger, I walk over to redeem a free mc cafee frm mc donalds, with black still on my hand, I get there and redeem the cupon and handed that shit over with 'the bad hand', lol lady looked at me, and I was like..i gtta go wash my hands, so im there washing my hands, and the shit comes right off. the entire time im thinking and waiting for that 'afterburn' I usually get after I get bund(ouch),not this time, like that shit was awarning shock. so its all good yal, I can still work my figer.

-later in te day

I ride with my mom to get her hair cut because I am such a good kid, so shes in the saloon getting her hair cut, and my ADD takes hold and immedatly cross the street to go walk laps around the local highschool football field, it was my third lap, when I see something on the ground, a nice smartphone. touchsceeen.the battery was dead, so I just walked back across the street to toy with it, I see 2 sherrifs parked at a neighboring gas station, so.. I go back hangout with my mom, then walk back outside and the cops are still there, well .the best got of me, so I took the phone over to them and turned the shit in, like a good person would do. I coulda, gone, and done harm, wit it.lol so before it got that far,,,i was like , yeah,,plus your wth your mom, shes going to start asking which car did I hit lol. so told her the story,good job drew.
I had dropped my iPhone earlier off at a 'ifixubreak' type store to get the port fixd on it,so was funny I found a phone hahaha.

---
@bestbuy, with the mom :3, getting a new protector for it,a 6ft charge cord lol, headphones(apple earbuds)some batteries, and a $10 card to league of legonds.

now I am sitting here writing this,

I like coffee. Until recently, I drank coffee every day. I averaged around 5 cups. I couldn't function very well without it. In the morning, I couldn`t talk to anybody before I`d had my third cup. Then I`d leave the house and go to a neighborhood coffee shop and drink two or three more. Because my sense of taste and smell is very sensitive, I can only drink premium coffees. The bitter flavor of supermarket coffee like Maxwell House or Sanka makes me nauseous.

Paris has the best food in the world but shockingly has some of the worst coffee. I looked for a place to buy coffee for months since coming to Paris. Ive tried dozens of shops throughout Paris and the rest of France with little luck. Without access to good coffee, I had to switch to tea. Even I can brew it myself - I microwave a mug of water for a few minutes then put in a tea bag for a few more.

There are two main kinds of coffee beans used for making coffee, the arabica bean and the robusta bean. Robusta beans are large, grow anywhere, grow at low elevation and in poor soil, and grow quickly. They are easy to harvest and very cheap. Robusta has long shelf life and is more suited to be brewed as instant coffee. But perhaps because of their larger size, they are difficult to roast correctly. As a result, any subtle flavors they might have had raw are always burnt away. Coffee brewed from robusta beans tastes very bitter and has an aftertaste like burnt grains. Advertisers often describes the flavor as `rich,` 'full-bodied,' or `dark.`

Arabica beans, on the other hand, are hard to grow. They require very specific conditions including higher elevation and better soil. They are often grown on steep mountainsides and are difficult to harvest. They take longer to mature and the yield is less per tree. They are more expensive. Generally, arabica has the best flavor. Like wine, it tends to have overtones of sugar, fruit, flowers, berries.

Until World War II, the civilized world drank coffee brewed from arabica beans or just tea. When the war broke out, trade was disrupted, rationing was imposed, and arabica became expensive. Nobody had any money to afford it. Soldiers were issued beans made from robusta coffee. It traveled well and could be brewed instantly. The world world switched to robusta. No idea why they didn`t give up coffee altogether and switch to tea, but I suspect that since around 80 percent of the population smoked tobacco cigarettes, their sense of taste was dead. Everyone else had been exposed to so much second hand smoke that they couldn't taste anything either. Nobody could tell the difference. After the war, the economies of Europe were devastated and nobody could afford arabica. France encouraged the production of robusta beans in its former colonies and imposed a tax on arabica beans to give robusta an advantage so robusta drinking became deeply entrenched in France. Everybody in France smoked cigarettes as well.

It took years, but as robusta drinkers died off and a new generation came of age, arabica began to make it back to the markets in the 1960s and 1970s adn finally became widespread in the 1990s. In 1966, Alfred Peet founded Peets Coffee and Tea in Berkely, California. Promisingly, he decided to use arabica beans. But he ruined the beans because he used the robusta dark roasting technique he learnt in the army during WWII. This dark roasting method burns the beans. Dark roasting basically scorches the beans and burns away all flavor. It was the only way to deal with (get them to cook all the way through) inferior robusta beans during war time. No matter how good the bean is to start with, dark roasting removes all of the flavors. It ruins the subtle berry, floral, fruit, or sugary flavors and makes all coffee beans taste the same: very bitter. Like most men in the 1960s, Peet was a heavy smoker and wouldn't have been able to taste the difference between roasting techniques even if he'd experimented.

Starbucks came along in the 1970s and the founders learned Peets roasting style. I suspect the Starbucks founders were chainsmokers too and therefore lacked sensitive palates. They didnt have the taste buds to know how bitter and undrinkable their coffee was. As far as I know, Starbucks and the others only use arabica beans, but for whatever reason, they and all the other big coffee shop chains like Peets, pikes place, seattles best, caribou, dunn brothers, and joe muggs overwhelmingly use the same dark roast method. I suspect that even though they use arabica beans, they use the cheapest arabica beans of the lowest quality bred to grow at low elevations and in bad soil in wastelands in places like sub-Saharan Africa. The worst arabica beans are worse than the best robusta beans, after all. They stick with the dark roast method because it covers up the fact that their beans are cheap.

You can`t tell if all you drink are the sweet, flavored drinks like mochas or cappuccinos because the other ingredients cover the bitter flavor. But it's obvious that their drip and espresso shots use cheap beans.

I asked natives for help but they didn't know what was talking about. They grew up on bad coffee, and the harsh brews have killed their sense of taste I imagine. It doesn't help that people here smoke cigarettes like it`s 1970.

Cigarette tobacco and robusta beans have a lot in common. Just like robusta is the lowest quality of coffee, cigarette tobacco is the lowest quality of tobacco. It is made from the cheap part of the leaf cut from the cheapest plants and is mixed with the scraps left over from making cigars and pipe tobacco. That's why cigarettes smell like burnt cat shit while pipe, cigar and sheesha tobacco have rich, savory smells with hints of exotic things like fruit, wood, leather, or wines. Cigarettes, like bad coffee, are not smoked for their flavor.

As I mentioned, I looked for drinkable coffee for months. I tried the ubiquitous cafes and brasseries Paris is famous for. But they all use the same a blend of arabica mixed with robusta. After a year, I've found only four or five coffee shops that serve coffee brewed from high quality arabica beans in a city of ten million. Unfortunately, they are not close to my flat. You might wonder why I don't have some beans shipped to me, but I don't like to make my own coffee. My xgf used to do it for me when I bought beans, but it's not the same when I try.

So on November 3rd, it made 9 years since my mom died. I can't believe it's been one year shy of a fucking decade she's been gone. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like she never really existed in the first place. I have pictures and my memories, but it's scary.

She's my mommy, so why can't I remember what her voice sounded like? Why can't I remember what she smelled like? It's all those things that scare me. I was 20 when she died, now I'm going on 30.

Also on November 3rd of this year, my girlfriend and future wife was diagnosed with COPD. She smoked cigarettes for almost half of her life. But the fucking ironic part of all this was that she had just recently quit smoking because she had bronchitis for the millionth time. She went to the doctor, got antibiotics, then her breathing got worse, so her Doctor ordered a chest X-ray. From the X-ray, her Doctor diagnosed her with COPD. I know it's not, like, a terminal illness, but I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to lose the love of my life.

I know it's very hypocritical of me to say these things as I use heroin and cocaine and smoke crack and just generally do stupid things to myself in order to cope.

She said she has to go through having COPD alone, like everything else for the past 5 years. Basically, since I became addicted to opiates and became a daily user. Jesus, that's so depressing how long it's been and how I'm still making the same damn mistakes. When will I learn my lesson? I also want to be there for my girlfriend, but I don't know what to do. I want to hold her and cry with her. I want to tell her everything will be fine. I want her to stop reading WebMD about COPD. I want her to be happy and healthy.

I've been working as much as I can at the Chain Coffee Shop that shall not be named but you've probably been to one. I wake up at 3:30am to get on a 4:30am train to be at work by 5:30am. I'm also usually out of work before 1pm, so that's awesome. I am basically a nocturnal animal at this point.

I've been up for 24 hours now. I can't look at this screen much longer or my head is going to fall off my body. I wanted to write more, but alas I can only see from my left eye... fucking heroin and cocaine.

I gotta pick up this month's supply of Suboxone... ugh, so fucking lazy. I keep nodding the fuck out.

Peace & Love.

I like coffee. Until recently, I drank coffee every day. I averaged around 5 cups. I couldn't function very well without it. In the morning, I couldn`t talk to anybody before I`d had my third cup. Then I`d leave the house and go to a neighborhood coffee shop and drink two or three more. Because my sense of taste and smell is very sensitive, I can only drink premium coffees. The bitter flavor of supermarket coffee like Maxwell House or Sanka makes me nauseous.

Paris has the best food in the world but shockingly has some of the worst coffee. I looked for a place to buy coffee for months since coming to Paris. Ive tried dozens of shops throughout Paris and the rest of France with little luck. Without access to good coffee, I had to switch to tea. Even I can brew it myself - I microwave a mug of water for a few minutes then put in a tea bag for a few more.

There are two main kinds of coffee beans used for making coffee, the arabica bean and the robusta bean. Robusta beans are large, grow anywhere, grow at low elevation and in poor soil, and grow quickly. They are easy to harvest and very cheap. Robusta has long shelf life and is more suited to be brewed as instant coffee. But perhaps because of their larger size, they are difficult to roast correctly. As a result, any subtle flavors they might have had raw are always burnt away. Coffee brewed from robusta beans tastes very bitter and has an aftertaste like burnt grains. Advertisers often describes the flavor as `rich,` 'full-bodied,' or `dark.`

Arabica beans, on the other hand, are hard to grow. They require very specific conditions including higher elevation and better soil. They are often grown on steep mountainsides and are difficult to harvest. They take longer to mature and the yield is less per tree. They are more expensive. Generally, arabica has the best flavor. Like wine, it tends to have overtones of sugar, fruit, flowers, berries.

Until World War II, the civilized world drank coffee brewed from arabica beans or just tea. When the war broke out, trade was disrupted, rationing was imposed, and arabica became expensive. Nobody had any money to afford it. Soldiers were issued beans made from robusta coffee. It traveled well and could be brewed instantly. The world world switched to robusta. No idea why they didn`t give up coffee altogether and switch to tea, but I suspect that since around 80 percent of the population smoked tobacco cigarettes, their sense of taste was dead. Everyone else had been exposed to so much second hand smoke that they couldn't taste anything either. Nobody could tell the difference. After the war, the economies of Europe were devastated and nobody could afford arabica. France encouraged the production of robusta beans in its former colonies and imposed a tax on arabica beans to give robusta an advantage so robusta drinking became deeply entrenched in France. Everybody in France smoked cigarettes as well.

It took years, but as robusta drinkers died off and a new generation came of age, arabica began to make it back to the markets in the 1960s and 1970s adn finally became widespread in the 1990s. In 1966, Alfred Peet founded Peets Coffee and Tea in Berkely, California. Promisingly, he decided to use arabica beans. But he ruined the beans because he used the robusta dark roasting technique he learnt in the army during WWII. Dark roasting basically scorches the beans and burns away all flavor. It was the only way to deal with (get them to cook all the way through) inferior robusta beans during war time. No matter how good the bean is to start with, dark roasting removes all of the flavors. It ruins the subtle berry, floral, fruit, or sugary flavors and makes all coffee beans taste the same: very bitter. Like most men in the 1960s, Peet was a heavy smoker and wouldn't have been able to taste the difference between roasting techniques even if he'd experimented.

Starbucks came along in the 1970s and the founders learned Peets roasting style. I suspect the Starbucks founders were chainsmokers too and therefore lacked sensitive palates. They didnt have the taste buds to know how bitter and undrinkable their coffee was. As far as I know, Starbucks and the others only use arabica beans, but for whatever reason, they and all the other big coffee shop chains like Peets, pikes place, seattles best, caribou, dunn brothers, and joe muggs use the same dark roast method. I suspect that even though they use arabica beans, they use the cheapest arabica beans of the lowest quality bred to grow at low elevations and in bad soil in wastelands in places like sub-Saharan Africa. The worst arabica beans are worse than the best robusta beans, after all.

You can`t tell if all you drink are the sweet, flavored drinks like mochas or cappuccinos because the other ingredients cover the bitter flavor. But it's obvious that their drip and espresso shots use cheap beans.

I asked natives for help but they didn't know what was talking about. They grew up on bad coffee, and the harsh brews have killed their sense of taste I imagine. It doesn't help that people here smoke cigarettes like it`s 1970.

Cigarette tobacco and robusta beans have a lot in common. Just like robusta is the lowest quality of coffee, cigarette tobacco is the lowest quality of tobacco. It is made from the cheap part of the leaf cut from the cheapest plants and is mixed with the scraps left over from making cigars and pipe tobacco. That's why cigarettes smell like burnt cat shit while pipe, cigar and sheesha tobacco have rich, savory smells with hints of exotic things like fruit, wood, leather, or wines. Cigarettes, like bad coffee, are not smoked for their flavor.

As I mentioned, I looked for drinkable coffee for months. I tried the ubiquitous cafes and brasseries Paris is famous for. But they all use the same a blend of arabica mixed with robusta. After a year, I've found only four or five coffee shops that serve coffee brewed from high quality arabica beans in a city of ten million that serve high quality coffee. Unfortunately, they are not close to my flat. You might wonder why I don't have some beans shipped to me, but I don't like to make my own coffee. My xgf used to do it for me when I bought beans, but it's not the same when I try.

Well I figured I would write a little bit more as we have hit yet another mile stone i suppose. Now the g/f is down to 8mg of methadone a day and we can not seem to get her to sleep more then 4 hours a night. She suffers from depression and anxiety, mornings are always rough for her so shes always in the worst mood in the mornings. This was fine because the mornings dont last long normally. She use to get up around 10am maybe be pissed while she wakes up so like an hour or 2 at most but now that shes up at like 5am i hear it nonstop. We are both at our wits end about this shes on lunesta she takes valium she exercises (weight training she has bad knees and scoliosis so she cant sprint really) but i want her to do cardio to try it.

I suppose i am writing this as a means to vent this time. We are both trying our hardest but the issue is shes been trying to get her life together, making doctors appointments trying to get a job, but its like every morning is a struggle for her between her anxiety ruining her sleep when she has appointments and now the methadone or whatever is keeping her up some days she nearly drives me insane before i even punch into work. Today she started at 9am and i cant get a hold of her anymore. Dont get me wrong i dont think she would ever hurt herself now, i use to fear she would kill herself because she suffered from depression with suicidal tendencies, mostly self harm nothing major, but when we were addicted to heroin leaving her alone to go to work in withdrawal i would worry it would get the best of her because it seemed hopeless. So its not that i worry shes going to do anything i just want her to have a good time being alive, even if its an unfulfilled existence and it upsets her that way, i just dont want her in pain from a lack of sleep.

She is also struggling to find her purpose so she feels like she has none. Its hard because i have a very well defined purpose and it can occupy me indefinitely though knowledge and purchases. My goals can almost never be achieved due to how lofty they are but that just means to me i have a "lifes work" I wish i could help her find her purpose.

Its funny to think that quitting heroin and getting her to a healthy weight and everything would be the easy part. Seriously we have not had a single issue with cravings relapse or anything, i can safely say we are not at risk for any of that at all. In fact in the beginning it was as simple as saying no. She would go "i want to kill myself, that or dope" and i would just say "no" and then eventually that stopped sometime in march. It is known between the both of us that is not the path for us and I knew she would try and the reason it was so simple is historicaly thats all she needed to say to get me to borrow money or whatever to get dope but once she was on methadone i could just say "your not sick so no wtf do you think its going to do other then waste money" sure when she was adjusting to the methadone she used until she got to 90 then she just one day said "dont go to the city after work come home instead" and that was the end of the daily drive. But i digress, I know that its not dope and that we wont relapse but that doesnt make leaving her in pain easier. I hoped that i wouldnt have to deal with mood swings after we quit but realistically that is who she is and now that the mood swings dont involve dope sure the easiest way to end them is over but she rebounds after hours its just hours before she suddenly is ok with life again.

Its a very hard situation because shes done the whole SSRI thing, they drive her insane. She has a much more level mood off any type of SSRI then on them. In fact she can not take trazodone for sleep as that was causing her to not feel emotions and those were the days where i was worried she would hurt herself. So its not like she can go back on them i spent months trying to convince her that she will feel emotions again and that she will love me "like she should" as she put it. So i am infinitely happier now that i dont hear "i dont want you to come over you dont know what its like watching you cry and say you love me and i can not respond emotionally, you dont get it i awnt to feel something when you cry but i cant" those were harder days for a different reason.

I guess this serves as a vent. I hope that she gets better soon. We have tried everything my friend even put like 3g of dabs in 21 pills and she took 3 a night for 7 days and still barely slept and we got awesome weed from the dispensary in the area 28% THC verified still only put her to sleep for 5 hours. Some mornings its just hard to not say "oh i bet now your regretting being on benzos and lunesta before this, you should have manned up and dealt with not sleeping then rather then removing 2 classes from your arsenal because you have already been taking them daily."

How do I send and receive pm

just positing to remind myself that I am STILL sober and approaching the 4 or 5 month mark - man, its been so good that I lost track.

things truly have been on the up and up; between getting clean, the move, car and work, I couldnt ask for more right now. the sad part is I am somewhat scared things are going too well and it will all be a disappointment soon enough but fuck that, I am happy and its because I am NOT ON DRUGS!

even made the drop down to 8MG bupe and feeling better than when I was at the 16 and 12 mark! I made the drop because my dick was not working to its high potential at the 16 or 12MG mark, so decided to drop to 8MG and it's been ROCKING since, ha. I feel like I am 16 again and watching porn more than once a day; the GF will love this "new" dick of mine, ha.

so yea, down to 8MG bupe, 1600MG GABA and only taking Seroquel once or twice a week to help sleep; my sleep schedule has gotten pretty good since making the job change and the bupe change.

so yes, things seem to be going well. I live in Boston and was down the Square today and had a few people run up to me an offer me dope and benzos and just brushed them off and went and got a fruit smoothie at Dunkin Donuts! BOOM, its that easy! plus, buying from randoms off the street was never my thing anyway; I dont trust people enough to buy from a random; I also dont know what I am getting and at this point last thing I need is to slip and end up dropping dead.

but yea, just wanted to check in w/ the rest of the board and let you guys know I am somehow, someway, still fucking sober and enjoying my life for the first time in a long ass time!

delete blog

G

ot any water bongs for show?



Swim is working on that 'self-controll' here, fucking wants to hit that shit so bad, lmao and its near 3:am and swim got work in the morning (up by 6;30am). So after tweeking the picture to death came out all like,yep on swim table is where he hits bong and lul@funny papers.

Fish got some more , one time this fish i know used a long ass piece of those 'hot-rail hospital grade' tubes,and almost got it down pact on 'how to smoke while being in another room'(like shower,closet,under computer desk,etc).
Totally buy this fish's shit once it comes out!! Yo fish said that they found all the shit in *that droor' and yep swim went up for air.*blubbblubb*
That shit streched to like ;how many ever flicks was in that bic lighter.lmao=howfar shit streched.lmao
Swim gotta go uhhh court with a chickfish.


C fishs other bubbles..!



-blubblubb-

With all of this rushing from point A to point B, I hope I remember to smell the flowers.

Well, here's me smelling the flowers. Do you ever look at the sky during sunset on a warm day? Do you see the neon pink and the gold, and think to yourself, "my god, that looks like pastels! So smooth and creamy." How can something be so beautiful?

Nature seriously gives me goosebumps, it's such a sight.

Always amazing me.

Then there's the times driving to work, it's 4:30 AM. Rain has fallen, everything is wet. But God, how the lights reflect on the road. I think to myself, "i need to call off and paint this, NOW. Go get my canvas, my acrylics, my brushes and find a place to park and paint this." Do I ever? No. I have responsibilities of course. But now the image is only a faded memory.

The rushing, rushing, rushing is ruining me.

Yeah. My dog, my baby, she is sitting here in pretty bad shape. I don't know if she will die soon, or if I'm just torturing her, by "keeping her alive". I've never euthanized a dog and I'm not sure that I can. But she is suffering. Not to an insane degree, but clearly suffering....

Now, my cat died, so, obviously, I have to bury her. Right now. And I'm not in very good shape! I'm so tiny and weak, (in general) that the only way that I can dig a hole is by using a pick ax.... So, here I go, this is not cool. I don't have my proper meds and I'm VERY sick.

And,,, I just felt like "bloggin' about it.

I apologize! This is a super depressing "first blog" , but that's where i am right now....

~AvA~

...

Since I have been told I am God in several places on Bluelight but do not consider myself a God, I will call myself The Prophet of Dreams for now. I really dropped the ball on the Afghanistan earthquake, I could see an attempt at contact was being made through Bluelight and brushed it off because everyone interferes and blocks my reception of messages. But here is a little something:


Magnitude 5.1 aftershock 6:05 PM UTC Tuesday Afghanistan
Magnitude 5.6 aftershock 12:20AM UTC Wednesday Afghanistan
Tropical low in Indian Ocean develops into a tropical storm Wednesday Oct 28

[PARIS TORNADO SECTION]
Paris Texas Tornado April 16th 2016 6:20P CDTM EF2 tornado - destroys my house
as EF-2 and hits We-Pack as EF-1

havent used in quite sometime; well, sometime to me is a few months but to others maybe years or so. but yes, I was a super junked out motherfucker! shooting a G+/day - whether it be in the bathroom at the office, a local Dunkin Donuts, or on my couch, a needle was always there w/ me and usually would be in my arm! just thinking that was only a few months back blows my mind! I feel SO OVER IT and fee like its been years and years.. but it hasnt! and I need to realize that its only been a few months.. although it feels like a few years!

I get worried that I am finding this time around too easy to stay sober!? why!? where was this the last 10yrs of my life, when I would shoot dope EVERY FUCKING DAY and be absolutely miserable and put myself in such a fucking HOLE IN LIFE! but lets fast forward 3 months and here I am now feeling like I am on top of the world and have this drug game all figured out, ha.

I started on 16MG/bupe because I had to do a mandatory 2 week DUI program; so I saw a bupe Dr. the week before I went away because I needed to get through that program or it was back to jail! well, the program was easy and the bupe kept me sane/alive. the day I got out I shot dope and woke up 8hrs later on the floor, ha. maybe 12hrs, I forget. then I shot the rest of the dope I had and woke up ANOTHER 8hrs later. nothing was easy and I was DUMB AS A MOFO! but either way, I used and used.

a month or two went by and come June I decided enough was enough; I was still scripted the bupe and figured I'd give it ANOTHER TRY! I was once 9 months "clean" on bupe but ended up back on dope - this was 3yrs ago! well, here I am now, clean, ON BUPE, and doing great! things seem even easier this time around - it worries me how easy things seem, as you can tell.. esp. since I write a fucking "blog" about it, ya dig!?!?

anyone else out there ever get "clean" and find it easy!? and you start to think back WHY, WHY, WHY!? did you fuck up the way you did. every time I "tried" to be clean I never could and always thought about the drugs or something negative, but this time I am truly happy w/ life, the way I live, who I am with, what I do, etc.

I changed A LOT OF THINGS! maybe this had something to do w/ it.

NEW -
apartment/location
girlfriend
job
friends
hobbies
etc

that is why I am clean, right? or maybe because I am a fucking genius who figured out how to beat this addiction thing.. oh wait, I am addicted to bupe.. my bad! but I am still a genius.

... then I'd start my own lab, legally synthesizing all these endlessly amazing new possible psychoactives (novel antidepressants, anxiolytics, treatments for all kind of serious disorders etc) that are either in slow development or get shelved off due to possible abuse concerns, because they did not behave well in stupidly retarded animal tests or just fall through the statistics because they only work for fraction of sufferers.

Working with doctors, graduates & clinics to do real trials of them & allow the individuals responding to them to instantly benefit from the ongoing research.
But the world is not the nice place it could be.

--

I don't get it why they have withdrawn pemoline almost worldwide (with the exception of Japan) due to some rare & possibly overstated liver damage when it was a superior ADHD treatment but they are still selling Desoxyn. Really. It's so stupid (we don't have Desoxyn here in Europe though & even d-amphetamine is only available by exceptional prescription. Ironically to see that the leading country in prohibition, the US, have methamphetamine available on prescription.)

Isopropylphenidate is a real advance in my eyes when it comes to uppers and I truly hope they will approve it anytime soon (which will not happen probably & the RC business will more likely make it vanish) for ADHD, as the patent is already out there. It is a so much cleaner & better variant of MPH with very little of the negatives.
Again one more thing I don't get why MPH has been around for decades but no one cared to screen for better analogues.

--

I like to dream though. Call me manic if you want, but I'm somewhat convinced I wouldn't make the world a worse place as it currently is if they would let me to push some of my imaginations through %)

Sometimes simple things could be actually so overly simple that nobody thinks of them like ending the War on Drugs (okay, here many very valuable professionals have vouched for but the stupid politicians and masses don't listen to them).

Our bodies moving straight, on opposite sides of each other, left & right. I can hear the pitter-patter of fate in the distance.Farther & further. As quickly as our eyes sought each other out it faded away, like the leaves being picked up by the wind of our feet.

---->Fall is my favorite season. The colors, the perfect weather. My allergies get worse, but other than that it is my favorite.<----

Think about it, it's nature doing its natural process of keeping itself in tip-top shape. The plants die and become reborn, and you get to watch it all happen. Us humans, are luckier than we think. Seriously though, I don't know why people say "the world sucks". It's the not the world, it's peoples habitual and basic instincts that suck. The violence in our blood.

The world is beautiful. Truly a site to see, and I wouldn't want to be on any other planet than the one I am living on now. Fall is my favorite, cause even in death there is re-birth and beauty.

-Tara L.

Then I am sorry. I am not all together right now but well I am really happy to be alive. Plus all my friends are asleep. But shit its a drug website right! Oh also just because I mod sober living doesn't mean I am sober all the time. I really feel like this is going to be a process for me with total dead sobriety not being the goal. I do hope I can help some people though or at least keep that part of the site functioning. Really looking forward to being able to represent this site that I really have come to love. I post at reddit and the former opiophile under a different name and they always talk bad about Bloolight. Well I like being able to say this site is my internet home.

I like that we accept everyone regardless of knowledge. We wash the unwashed masses so to speak. But IMO the mods over in OD and the other focus forums are doing gods work. I really encourage all the long time members to go answer a couple questions for someone. Get back to what brought us here before the community. Ok I am on speed and im gonna stop typing soon. lol

Ok but I love this site and I love its members! I am so happy to be able to say I am on staff. I feel like the circle is made after almost 10 years here overall and since 2008 as CJ. I am really proud of all of you who make this place what it is. Hell I am happy to be alive and not in the shrine! I almost died from heroin. It would have been fucked up. Please everyone be safe this weekend and shit! I am going to get my methadone dose now then to sleep. haha my blog can ramble if I need to.

Also FFS see "The Wire" best freaking tv show ever. Also I recommend all you who want to try heroin read "Trainspotting" by Irving Welsh. I just PMed someone with a very spun out reason he should check those out. Like I will freaking never read a book twice and im not religious but that book I have read 10 times and it still gets me everytime. Also I swear on my uncles grave that I will not get this spun out by myself ever again. Im usually really normal. lol.

PLUR
CJ
Drew yeah that's my name I don't give a fuck DEA.

I think I am on to something...trying to set up this system. It took me weeks (actually years in the bigger picture) of trial & error and studious brainstorming. If I am successful with the implementation of this system,, I will further secure my place outside of society as an independent animal. The less people I am around, the less rules I have to follow. True freedom is being subject to only natural law -- the inherent perils and pleasures of various aspects of nature -- as opposed to the socially enforced adherence to artificial constructs.

I thought I got out of the darkness.
I must have been kidding myself. It's darker than ever where I stand. It feels as though my soul has been sold, and there is no getting it back.
Don't ever fuck with opiates.
If you are reading this.
They will throw everything you care about out of sight, out of mind, and make room for nothing but wanting more to get high. Get a rush that lasts no more than a minute or two.
I feel like a fool for falling into this trap.
I have to escape and never look back.
How will I get out?
No idea.
Every time I think I've figured it out, I fall even deeper.

I have been a save-the-planet type of environmentalist since before I was a preteen.

Climate change (with its surplus of support being evinced by scientists and intellectuals, and having been corroborated by a seemingly inexhaustible amount of practically incontrovertible and exceedingly rigorous scientific research, data, and careful analyses) was the first topic I had researched extensively about what I was lead to think of as humanity's thoughtless destruction, greedy and haphazard despoilment, and unchecked and unconcerned depletion of the lithosphere and decimation of its biosphere.

That was when I was about 13 years old.

When I got a little older, I remember stumbling upon this very popular YouTube video (q.v. https://youtu.be/zORv8wwiadQ) wherein some guy, Greg Craven, argues the case for environmentalism by essentially narrowing the situation down to essentially two choices:

Choice A.) Humanity can be incredulous and skeptical about climate change, then do nothing to prevent or curtail or reverse the damages the planet has so far sustained, only for us all to be annihilated by the possibility of some self-caused natural calamity we never prepared for or tried to prevent or even acknowledged; or

Choice B.) Humanity can invest money to fund taking action to prevent or prepare for such a calamity, regardless of whether the science is mistaken and the data are wrong, effectively preventing our almost certain extinction from an environmental threat—whether imaginary or real.


Obviously, at least to thinking humans, choice B, while possibly advancing the allocation of trillions of dollars in the desperate hope to protect something that may be either unprotectible or unreal, is most sensible of the two choices. It would be tantamount to buying an umbrella today to prevent getting soaked by a rainstorm tomorrow. Even if those forecasted torrential rains never come, having the umbrella without needing it still seems more sensible to me than needing the umbrella and not having it.

But lately, my opinions have changed. Here's why:

1.) Mass extinction events are a frequent occurrence on Earth (consider the worldwide extinction of the dinosaurs and all other animals larger than, say, a chihuahua which occurred 65 million years ago, all by single a meteor).

2.) It is therefore reasonable to assume that such a terrifyingly destructive extraterrestrial threat will happen again. It's just a matter of time before a monstrosity of a meteor, for example, comes into our trajectory and we don't have the technological capabilities to thwart or explode the largest rocks in even the meteor belt just past Mars. What about a very unfortunately well-aimed gamma ray burst?

3.) Worse still, what if we were to invest in the preservation of our Earth's geologically very brief period of human-sustaining conditions, but our efforts and endeavors are still as unavailing as if we hadn't done anything? What then? We've only wasted money and time without anything tangible or appreciable to show for it.

4.) In light of this diversity of known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns (Rumsfeld allusion; his logic is perfectly valid here) of threats which may have results of inescapable mass death and extinction, as well as the irony of humanity trying to clean up and "save" a planet we were too irresponsible to keep clean and safe for millennia in the first place, the aforementioned "case" for environmentalism seems more of a false dichotomy than a collectively exhaustive binary set of events.

5.) How can we trust our race to fix what we were too stupid or careless or irresponsible to not break at the outset? Any possible solution to our environmental malady couldn't possibly be trusted to work if the responsibility or onus of finding and implementing that solution falls on the people (our race) that proved their impotence and incompetence by first having caused the problem we now feel drunk enough on our own pseudo-omnipotent abilities to remedy. That's not advisable, it is disquietingly absurd.

6.) Is saving the planet (or, to put it less euphemistically and magnanimous, saving ourselves) even feasible over the long run? Or do we not care and are simply trying to insert meaning into our lives by deluding ourselves into accepting the preposterous notion that we humans can actually save a whole planet (but can barely locate a matching pair of socks in the morning)? And by recycling? Being vegan? Come on. I'd call it stupid, but it seems more like societal schizophrenia than plain imprudence.

7.) Since this rock called Earth and all its biology and geology will eventually die or become unrecognizably disfigured no matter what we do or do not do whilst blindly in love with this flawed and faltering planet, and since planting urban gardens, restoring the rainforests, saving the ozone, etc., are all patently abortive, why don't we do the exact opposite of environmentalism? I personally think we evolved our incredible brains not just to sit on this blue-green boulder for the entirety of our species short existence and act as its bodyguard.

8.) Rather, I think we should mine, excavate, dredge up, disinter, and use every resource this incommodious little rock harbors. We should use every nutrient, every element and their isotopes, every thing there is to take for the taking. Then, cooperating all as one race and with every human's helping hand, we should invest all our money and wealth into science to motivate the preponderance of underpaid scientists to get to work using their recently begotten wherewithal to research and investigate more efficient ways of space exploration.

9.) Then, utilizing our procured resources we shoveled up from the ground, we could use our new scientific research and use it to inform the construction of better spacecraft, and then we might just be able emigrate from this Godforsaken planet and head somewhere more habitable. Transforming ourselves from a sedentary species into a technologically advanced, space-exploring nomadic race.

10.) Planting trees and saving endangered species is a waste of precious time. This planet as we know it will change and we will all die one day. It could be another Ice Age; a supervolcanic eruption or a reactivated massive caldera; a lucky-shot gamma ray burst; a meteor too large to do anything realistic about; the possibility of our environmental destruction being like an irreversible snowball effect, being too far gone to go back; the ice sheets continuing to melt and rising sea levels such that only montane environments, at most, are habitable; and so on.

11.) We need to get over these abandonment issues we have with the Earth, pack up our shit, and go someplace less unstable, less uninhabitable, and start a new existence, in my opinion. I mean, this isn't some dope-inspired, quixotic pipe dream either:

Cosmic Census Finds Billions of Planets that Could be Earth-Like
Prevalence of Earth-size planets orbiting Sun-like stars
There are other planets that could theoretically support our existence. All we need is the technological sophistication to get to them and then we can say goodbye for good to this precarious rock. But we may never achieve extrasolar space travel. But the possibility still exists, if only we had some adequately smart and discerning scientists working o7 the job and only if the whole 7.5 billion of us are willing to get involved any way we know how. Then it's even more possible.
But, one thing that will never be a possibility is saving this planet. You can't save it, no more than you can save someone by rescuing them from a collision with an oncoming train. All one can really do is prolong the lifespan, but death is incredibly resourceful; what doesn't kill you only makes the probability of a future death less unlikely.
In summary, I think we should make the most of what we've got, and use up everything this planet has to offer, so as to build and develop ways to leave it.
But I'm interested in other people's perspectives. So, should we save the environment or invest our finite resources and money in leaving it for someplace that doesn't need saving?