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I guess since its the end of the year this is the perfect time to reflect back on all that has changed over the past 12 months. It is important to note that it's only significant because nothing has changed in so long 12 months ago I expected nothing to change again. How wrong I was...

I am not trying to write some massive thing outlining how everything is different as I want to keep this brief. Not sure why I am assuming no one will read it anyway because it seems like self serving garbage for a beginning.

Exactly one year ago I was just getting to 90mg of methadone on a program having relapsed after a year off suboxone. It was a short lived 4 month long IV heroin thing that got out of hand surprisingly fast. This was my first time on methadone and I was getting Sunday take homes and I had been supporting my girlfriend's addiction for a long time as we discovered opiates together and had something before any opiates, I wanted to save that and her so it meant waiting for her to want to get clean. Relationships fail because people think you can force a partner to quit or whatever so i supported her for the majority of her 3 year heroin addiction. She quit her job literally right before we got into heroin and I got a much better job so in a sense that timing was good lol.

But yeah so for 3 years the cycle was the same because suboxone made her sick, like really sick she tried to tough it out for 2 weeks taking lower and higher doses but she would have adverse reactions and couldn't stand it. So it happens that my Sunday take home was the only thing holding her for 2 out of the 7 days of the week due to financial reasons and she decided to get on the program. She decided too and I took her down so she would be comfortable. They review her prescriptions and say they probably can't take her because of benzodiazepines she had been taking for 3 years by her doctor and actually went from 40mg of valium a day to 10mg when they saw her. But they took her.

That was 11 months ago... today is day 3 for her at 0mg of methadone and my 4th on 20mg from 25. Since that day so much has changed from her self view and confidence. Because we no longer buy heroin I have a car and she a laptop (both by our means not each other's) And above all else we both have a strange clarity and maturity that we didn't have before.

It's almost like I am more me then I have ever been. I feel like drugs have always been clouding me and distracting me. If it wasn't my heroin it was hers or the crack making me edgy or even just the desire for either took away from who I am. I never noticed it before but it's like now I have something I never had even though I had the illusion of it, time and focus. The odd thing is I never felt this way while I was clean the last time but then again nothing had changed before, now it has.

By this time next year I hope to be a full 9 months off methadone. I plan to go from 20 to 0 over the next 3 months. I think in 2 years I can go back to college knowing more then I left with in my field of study. I think in 5 years I can achieve a lot of personal goals that I didn't know I had even a year ago. I think this time it's for real and as much as I go "oh man time I can't wait for more time to pass I bet I will do *this* i wish it will go by faster" and for once I can honestly say because I am trying and I can say it probably will. It sucks because future goals mean getting older and I'm getting to the age where I don't like that (I'm.not even that old)

It's hard to word but I always felt I could do a lot but stuff gets in the way stuff is why I couldn't keep going to school forever and heroin was the stuff that I thought really ruined my life. I still felt I was worth something but feared I could never be the person I should have been because I made a mistake.

Maybe it was all meant to be because as things continue to move forward maybe somehow the focus I may have never noticed and never had in college would never have come to be. Maybe it will be easier the second time around because of it. And if not I am still thankful because I had all but given up a year ago.

Now I get to go fuck all of you that asked if I really thought it was going to work, if I really thought she wasn't using me or if I really thought this could work. It did and I was right. I knew what I was doing and it was what was right for the situation. *No one here but as you can imagine people shared their opinion of my situation to me more then a few times* Believe me I have a long list of "I told you so"'s I will one day read aloud from a podium but the first one is Disney world with the girl who one said "how can you say that will ever be us"

kinda funny because anytime something happens that give me any type of worry I immediately think of dope.

sure, I am on Suboxone (8MG) now and have been clean since Aug but any anxiety/life problems I immediately want to go back to dope; sometimes I am not even sure what the problem is but its just something that works the mind and I immediately want to shut everything down; shoot dope, smile for a half second, and then go back to being miserable. kinda whacky, isnt it!? just stick a needle in the arm for a second!?

this morning I woke up late (1230PM) after waking up and taking my bupe yesterday at 6AM; so its been 30hrs since my last dose. well, I had some whacky late morning dreams of using and woke up w/ the urge to use; it was raining, cold and just a bit miserable out, so I felt that dope would be best. I seriously woke up thinking like that. luckily, I just ate the 8MG bupe and by 1PM I felt great, bright not-so-sunny day, but still felt on top of the world. seriously within an hour the whole day changed and my thoughts and outlook took a turn for the better.

now its almost midnight and I am just getting anxious waiting on "something" someone has to tell me. I think right away to come to BL and write something because the thought of drugs runs through my mind so why not openly blog about NOTHING to NOBODY but me; I wonder if anyone else gets these type of feelings?

well, I am done, chime in and let me know if you get these feelings or a I the only junkie/ex-junkie that does.

I have a migraine that isso bad I can't get out of bed and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water without puking. This one is strange bc it's behind my left eye. They are usually slightly to the right of the center of my forehead. I've gone 2 days without water, food, or morphine. The migraine is so bad that it is masking any WD symptoms I might be having. No craving either. I've vomited almost 20 times. Thinking about taking my usual dose makes me puke. Lying down doesn't prevent it. I found a couple of tramadols, but vomited a few times in the bucket I was carrying while searching. At least it only tastes like water. I swish bicarb in my mouth to neutralize the stomach acid.
I managed to hold them down long enough for them to work. The migraine is still bad, but they reduced it and took away the stationary nausea. I ate an orange and a piece of stale croissant. I have Internet on my free phone so I'm finally able to use it in bed without puking.

had a week that was totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S (funny cuz I hardly say bananas like that but I Just wrote a post and did the same thing) and was completely stressing at some points, including tonight, and the thought of using ran through my mind but I kept away from the drugs and the drugs kept away from me. sometimes I worry that if the drugs were INFRONT OF ME, then I'd surly relapse. then again, maybe its good I am truthful like that. its good that I do NOT hang w/ any addicts or people who have drugs on them; I truly feel, and I am honest w/ myself, that if drugs were infront of me, or if someone had the drugs on them and offered, then yes, I'd probably use, whether it be today, tomorrow, or another day. but I have w/ NO ONE w/ drugs and NO ONE doing drugs. so I have that going for me. also, anytime I take my bupe in the AM - come 1-2PM, I feel on top of the world, so NO, I would not use then. its not till like 5/6PM I start to feel a bit more "normal" and would even consider using. but yes, I was stressed out this week and thought about it far too often. I was shocked how often I was thinking of it and the dreams I had about it. but the week is almost over and its time to move on, so fuck drugs, and fuck dope, its time to live my NORMAL, HAPPY, GOOD LIFE! the life that I build since being OFF DRUGS and doing the RIGHT THING!

so, what else!? well, the family has been shit as always. I have NOT talked to my mother because she is "let down" because my sister is a lesbian; that truly bothers me. my sister is still young, 24, and I feel she needs the support. after all, she just cameout w/ it recently and there is no need for my mother not to accept. I wrote a whole different blog on that, so I wont go into detail here.

hmmm.. work has bee OK. I usually hate working w/ my father, which has been my FT gig as of late, doing asbestos removal, asbestos tiles, siding, etc. its all asbestos really and then some pipe covering as well. its a labor job but its in the asbestos field and it pays well; not as good as I was once paid doing software sales but I left that position because the job/company made me miserable and it was part of the reasons why I used so heavily. also, right now i am working w/ my father an doing ALL I CAN! I actually have schooling next week to get my actual license in asbestos; something I never thought I'd get.. although I have tried in the past but ended up not finishing the course because I was a junkie and left early one day to go get dope thinking I could come back the next day no problem; guess what?! I was wrong, so I have to take the course all over again, oh well.. my fault! no wait, drugs fault, actually.

OK, OK.. whats next!? well, my girl is coming back in 2 weeks and we will be spending 3 weeks together for Christmas. she is just coming to "visit" for Christmas and will be staying w/ me the entire time; I actually am very excited; I havent seen her in close to a month since she is living at school in CA right now and I am living in MA right now; its not easy but she is well worth the wait, so its cool by me. some people ask how I do it but I dont consider it a challenge; again, shes well worth the wait. if anything, its only hard because I truly miss her at times and wish she could be here at the snap of a finger but shit happens, and its better than being in a shit relationship that makes you miserable, so ill take what i have. I just cant wait till she moves here and is here, living together, 24/7. that will be FUNNNNNNNNNNNN and happens come this summer.

I know, youre sick of reading this, thats even if you are reading, so ill stop here. I have work tomorrow and have to be there at 8AM; its 11:17PM and would like to be sleeping by 12:30. its funny because I used to NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT ALL when I was working a job I truly hated (software sales) and living a life I wanted to die (dope fiend/by myself/miserable/no license/hated life). nowadays I can easily fall asleep (well, I still take a sleeping pill) and feel good upon waking up. I do NOT dread the day and actually go to work and I am happy w/ what I do. believe it or not, I make LESS MONEY than I did before but w/o using drugs the job is fun and I actually enjoy the day. do I enjoy the job!? eh, not so much. but I enjoy MY LIFE and the day itself, and my girlfriend and everything else happening in my life. so fuck everyone else, because I am happy and will continue to be happy!

alright, now I am actually DONE! DONE, DONE, DONE! I am DON-ZO! right now.. I am D-O-N-E! and that spells what!?

it.

spells.

DONE!

I.

AM.

DONE.

BostonBrownTown! (may have to change my name; I dont do dope and its all white around here anyway).

Alright, just wanted to blog because I'm newly sober off the old ethanol. Went pretty hard for about a month, which started with the end of a long(6 year) relationship, which I pretty much initiated, but then the situation I was left in made me feel the need to get far from sober. That was empty house, lonely,fearful,etc. Anyway, I was then forced to move back with family as I really had nowhere else to go.

So I kept on drinking even though I was not really supposed to where I was now living. After awhile my drunken and lonely state led me to relenting to my exes pleas to stay with her. (Background:she's 34 I'm 26 she has a daughter, 9 years old, who has called me dad since I first got with her mom, when she was only 3 years going on 4, and we have a younger daughter together, shes 5.) I am now very conflicted as to what to do. We are still living apart, but she now thinks I wanna make it work.

I am so conflicted because I love her and our family, but I dont know if I want to be with her still.(More background:We were engaged to be married this June. We lived with each other for most of the 6 and 1/2 years except for two different times wben I moved out, mostly due to my alcohol abuse getting out of hand.) She has always been there for me so I feel kinda like I owe her. In the process of the breakup I told her I have only been with her for the kids for the last couple years, which wasn't entirely untrue, but I do love her. Im so conflicted because on the one hand I love her and our family, but on the other I don't think shes my "soul mate" or whatever you wanna call it and may never be fully happy with her.

I also have no job, no license, and am back at my parents feeling lost with no direction, and missing her and the kids. Im trying to get a job and my license back, also I am about to get my felony off my record, so things should get better soon. But yeah, very happy to be off the alcohol, my brain was turning to mush, and physically I was getting pretty shit. Coming off it was shit, I had to do a taper, it was just too much for me, the anxiety,insomnia and all that. So yeah, I guess I just need to look at the positive things and do some soul searching. Peace-RDP89

Its been a fucked up month. Met NF which ended now as quickly as it kicked off. It was so good to feel something again, connect with a person in that way. Then I got sick and poof, he was gone. I suppose there may be more to it than that but I will never know his reasons for distancing himself from me. Irrespective it is done now.

Re my health, things are very much up in the air now and I am trying to take it day by day. In a weeks time I will know whether any progress has been made with the treatment and if not, whats next. I am extremely apprehensive atm and don't feel any better but trying to stay positive.

There is a lot going on atm and being forced to stay sober cause the meds for this damned illness is driving me up the wall. Especially with things ending with NF I just want to get fucked up but can't. Need to put my health first for a change and actually deal with my feelings which fucking sucks. Hate feeling shit.

Anyway thats enough of a rant for tonight, time to call it a day and try to finish Drive. Not quite sure why Ryan Gossling is considered so attractive, he does nothing for me but suppose taste is subjective.

it kills me to see this.

has anyone had something similar in their family or maybe something similar happen to them? my MOTHER does not accept my SISTER for who she is? I would have NEVER GUESSED THIS but I am now seeing it happen and my SISTER IS DESTROYED BY IT nd will not fully come out to the family but has told me and has told me how she is hurt.

my mother things its disgusting that my mother is not accepting for her for who she likes and what she does. my sister is a lesbian, yes, thats right. shes is a college graduated who works in the courthouse and is going to be getting her masters soon enough; her girlfriend is a middle school teacher who currently has her masters degree. they are both relatively young, around 24. they both are doing quite well considering age and their schooling. however, my mother will NOT accept who is sister is and what my sister likes.

they were VERY GOOD FRIENDS/MOTHER/SISTER growing up but they have broken apart over the years. you always hear my mother questioning my sister and her each and every move. she tells her friends (mother tells her friends) that her daughter has yet to find her husband, or boyfriend yet. then goes on to tell us how she is embarrassed to have to tel her friends this kind of stuff. how she doesnt know how to speak to others because it is NOT RIGHT that her daughter is a lesbian. luckily, her daughter only smokes weed and does NOT DO HARD DRUGS but I try to tell my mother this is what may push her to hard drugs, or do bad choices in life. I pray for my sister and stand by her side daily; I fight w/ my mother over my sister and her choices; there is NOTHING WRONG w/ THESE CHOICES! my fathers brother was gay and died of AIDS in the 90's and he is completely fine/open about it all but yet my mother is the complete opposite and it kills me to see her speak/think this way.

w/ her thoughts being this way it is somewhat of an embarrassment to call her my mother. whats funny is my mother does not have a problem w/ gays/lesbians in general but the fact my sister is bothers her to the extreme; it hurts me to see her hurt my sister the way she does. she does NOT accept my sisters girlfriend. she is NOT RUDE to her girlfriend but shes not love/respect for the girl. when I tell my mother she has to change, she comes back w/ "why do people not change for me!?". I want to slap her off the side of the head and say "are you fucking serious?".

I seriously DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO and I write her hoping someone can help me out. its bad enough I suffered from addiction the way I have but I am 33 and have learned to accept the wrong and accept the things people have thought of me throughout the course of my life; however, my sister is still VERY YOUNG and growing up and I do NOT want her to be ashed/feel ashed of the decisions she is making, esp. considering these are NOT THE WRONG DECISIONS!

can anyone help me here? guide me to a path to better help my sister. we are both considering NOT GOING TO THANKSGIVING which my mother usually hosts. I am fine w/ NOT GOING since it is my mother who is doing this to my younger sister.

help is appreciated.

Ahh the whole thing is as mad as a box of frogs. I've had one of those nights, absorbing as much BBC News, RT, Al Jazeera - before properly melting my head with youtube, prob the biggest media outlet, about Paris being a false flag attack

For me anyway and I guess pretty much everyone outside the echelons of power. It's simply impossible to know whats really happening. Who's getting guns, why? Was there not just a war against our 'new' fundamentalist 'allies'. Planes are smacking out like 16 yr olds at a rave.

A seismic population shift is continues and still no EU policy, some meet open arms, others razor wire. Notice as well how few Ukraine refuges make the news. Yet this
'Women' Judge!! Can unleash so much prime time hate like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wsv6BM4AY8&ab_channel=iizthatiiz

George Osborne sold Hinkley Point with an unbelieveable 35 year power purchase agreement approximately 120% above the current wholesale price of leccy. The subsidy alone is worth approx £17 billion. Renewables energy, a potential UK field of excellence - Graphene ffs was discovered in Manchester, the archetypical nano semiconductor. But no remotely benefited from such a subsidy - the subsidy alone is worth a minimum £17 billion. Hinckley's expected to run for 60yrs. It's futile to try and predict the wholesale cost of electric in 35 years. However for the duration of the 35yr subsidy Hinkley wholesale exports will be £39.5 billion. State sponsored. The remaining 25 year lifespan could easily see it double that figure. No amount of industry lobbying, EU inquiry's, or even a case study from HSBC which concluded;

'"We see ample reason for the UK Government to delay or cancel the project," HSBC concluded in a note that set out eight concerns with the project.
HSBC's criticism echoes those of environmental groups who have repeatedly warned the government agreement to provide EDF with a guaranteed price of over £90/MWh for the clean power it generates over a 35 year period is excessively generous.'

To many focus groups, auditor's, commissions reports to dismiss this as fag packet economics. It's a multi billion pound stroke. I mean you could probably skim a few hundred grand of a solar farm - but EDF's build tendered at £16-18 Billion and completion up and atom by 2018. Now for some reason that eludes every search EDF have bumped up the reactor to £24.5 Billion and do well to get any juice out of her by 2025 - but the contract stipulates 2033. But we need the power now - with approximately 45% of the of UK power plant production scheduled for decommission within 15 years. If these 50 year old coal burners remain online, emitting current carbon levels. The only option is buying huge amounts of carbon 'offsets' that will rise in price as other countries reap. There is really no doubt that the UK will fail, after such a bright start, to reach the Kyoto agreement of 20% reduction by 2020. Still must feel like a pretty big fella brokering a £24.5 Billion deal, even if it undermines national security for 2 generations.

It hasn't gone down well with the in-laws either. Speaking during the second reading of the Energy Bill, Osbourne's Father in law Lord Howell told peers: A Conservative former energy secretary has insisted the “elephantine” Hinkley C nuclear project in Somerset is “one of the worst deals ever” for British consumers and industry.

Lord Howell of Guildford told peers he would “shed no tears” if the multi-billion pound development by French giant EDF Energy was abandoned in favour of smaller nuclear plants at a later date.

He warned no reactor of the kind planned for Hinkley C has “ever been completed successfully”.

The nuclear push has many critics over its cost, the time it takes to build plants and the potential threat to the UK’s national security of having China in control of a plant on UK soil. Osborne’s father-in-law, former energy minister Lord Howell, has described the project as “one of the worst deals ever” for British consumers and industry. Speaking during the second reading of the Energy Bill, Lord Howell told peers: “Far the biggest obligation or future burden on consumers and households is the Hinkley Point C nuclear project.

Renewable subsidies are slashed. Proven turnkey technology, that could be manufactured in the UK and installed by the GIGAWATT in under 12 months, creating more jobs. Embracing a micro-grid approach, that is vastly more efficient than sending DC current 100's of miles cross counties to the DSU (demand side user). Micro-grids decentralize electricity production with coordinated storage. It's not feasible to 100% renewable in the medium future. But that isn't stopping global ambition - California's beyond 33% movement looks on target, with utility scale storage and voltage optimisation.

Inevitable higher bills are balls. That this massive investment has chopped a booming renewable sector of at the knees - not just by removing feed in tariffs for wind turbines, taking £700m out of the renewable heat incentive, slashing feed in tariffs for 50+ proposed utility scale ground mount installs. Osbourne refusing to release an agreed £100m for energy retro-fits (loft insulation, cavity wall, draft proofing) earmarked for the most vulnerable who tend to live in the coldest houses. On top of all that, he's scrapped tax-relief for businesses. Still get tax relief on a new tractor, and this continues over the years in depreciation. But renewable infra-structure no longer qualifies as capital expenditure. That was so often the decider - how much capital expenditure relief the business had come new financial year.

Energy minister Andrea Leadsom said: “It is vital that industries over time stand on their own two feet. I don’t think anyone here would advocate an industry that only survives because of a subsidy paid by the billpayer.” She was justifying 87% cuts to subsidies for solar power, just as they are on the verge of becoming cheaper than gas.

The contradiction does not need spelling out. Nuclear power has had 60 years to stand on its own two feet. The admission it still needs subsidy (£17 billion worth after five years of ministers denying precisely that) shows that traditional nuclear power can barely crawl.

so, a buddy of mine called today and started the conversation w/ - "listen dude, I know you are doing great, and I hate to put you in this situation.... but". well, we all know what was said after. yes, he wanted me to grab him a G so he could use. he missed his methadone appointment today since he has to go daily and wanted "something" to get him off E.

at first I thought, "hmmm, maybe I could split a half G w/ him" but I ended up just saying NO! I have not spoken w/ my "guy" in months and I really dont want to give the dude I call. yes, I have been great and have not shot any dope in 4-5 months (around there) and have no urge/feeling to use again; these Suboone (8MG/day/morning only) and 1600MG/GABA/morning only. I seriously feel GREAT everyday w/ no urge, no nothing, so I am NOT going to pick it at risk. I honestly did feel I could do it for him w/ no problem but why risk it, ya know!? and I dont blame the kid for asking because I would have done the same thing while using, so NO BIG DEAL!

I was just amazed that I didnt use that as an excuse to TRY something. I am happy, truly happy, and KNOW that drugs have ruined my life and put me in a SHIT situation, so DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE! and will NEVER GO BACK! I am OVER THAT; I am fucking 33yrs old, man. Just turned 33 last week and I am truly HAPPY w/ my life. my girlfriend plays a HUGE PART in this and I would NOT have this girl if I was using, so I am even more willing to stay off drugs; even if its just for her alone, she is well worth it. I do NOT want to fuck up another GOOD thing. then again, drugs didnt fuck up my past GF's or anything like that; those girls were NOT FOR ME! this girl is different in so many ways, and also the most beautiful girl I've ever been w/, so I will NE.

OK, thats it. I am HAPPY and I was able to say NO and stay away; I am just HAPPY w/ myself and how I played that... a pat on the back for me!

Thankssssssssss!

So I am fallowing my dream in the world of technology.

Alabama fucking sucks, and are so 'behind the time' when it comes to technology. I mean yeah there are Gamestops and Bestbuys along with everything else where you can pick up the next up to date kitchen appliance , or new video game, and that's where it ends. Those 'new technology devices' still have to plug into something, and with Erricson's saying they have come out with a new '5G' solution to help provide the fastest internet speeds wiresly.
Also with Google wanting to provide homeowners with 'free' cable TV, so that's going to eliminate local cable companies. who can argue with free legit cable?
I'd like to say that I got in the wrong field when it comes to it,
what cable companies don't know is soon, the 'coax' will be replaced with newer 'fiber optic' lines, and yes, that includes 'fiber to the house' meaning someday you will soon be able to surf the web at light speed. Being in the 'cable tv' field, I see those other utility lines on the utility pole, and usually cable lines are the top lines you see on utility poles(not the power lines, but the upper-most utility line on the pole). Those huge thick lines that are roughly the size of baseballs are your telephone lines, and usually those lines can be found being the bottom-most utility line on the pole, or they may be on an entire different pole then the cable TV lines.
What about those fiber lines? Living here in Alabama, the only time you see 'fiber lines' is along highways,feeding different business. You veryvery seldomly see fiber lines being ran through neighborhoods. maybe in the really,really,upper class neighborhoods where a majority of the houses are well mansion's. everyone knows that the big huge houses are in a really nice side of town, 100% gated communities. now that's only here in Alabama I've noticed.
Which is why I am leaving Alabama.

I've laid hundreds if not thousands of miles of fiber optic lines all across the country, and have never ran fiber lines to trailer parks. never,, I've strung cable 'coax' lines all over trailer parks, just never fiber lines. whys that? well, it's not because they don't have any money, because that's a stereotype .
The cities where In where I have strung fiber lines were some of the major cities across the nation, and I seriously thing it's against the law to own a trailer in cities like Seattle, or Portland.

After spewing up all those fiber lines, I learned that being that type of 'lineman' was not for me, maybe it was because I was working with abusive former formen,or maybe I wasn't cut out for the type of work, or maybe it was wanting to fallow where the fiberoptic lights went? So that's why I chose to get out of the part of the job that builds the fiber lines, and instead I will be taking up splicing the fiber lines in. Where I won't have to work with such assholes, because I will be working alone, by myself, in my own world. Splicing fiber is an art, and it wont be easy.

I am very excited about the new opportunities and can't wait to prove to the motherfuckers that doubted me, that I did it. I'm not going to go and try to start fights or anything like that. Who knows, maybe I could get a job with NASA.

keep on the sunny side of life.

I've been doing some shopping here lately, time to retire the pants I had on, and now replaced with 'bigger,bigboy briches'. I've said this many many times, and going on 'adventures' with my tail in between my legs when I make 'that' trip back home.
I feel a lot like the prodigal son story in the bible, except I was spending my own money out there, and had to come back home because the cost of living was getting to high(and with a meth and heroin habit at the time, didn't feel so good when I call home and tell them I'll be coming back home empty handed.)
What's going to make it different this time? then all those times before? Well that's a choice I have already made, and a choice I will have to make when I get offered that drug. I can tell you the answer will be 'No' now, and when that day comes(and its going to come). Only I can make the ultimate choice.

The path I choose will not be easy, it will be a 4star treck,..meaning I will drive for 7hours, then attended school for a week (7days @ 8hours a day), and once I graduate the program I will have access to jobs all over the world(not just USA), I will most likely go work for Google building and splicing their fiber plant in for at least another year or 2,before I leave the country. Now I will leave the country in good standing, and it will be for work. I'm not going to be a refugee lol.looks like harder work then the work i'm used to.

Like I mentioned in throujae(sp) blog about smoking//nicotine, all of these require steps and I can look at the huge picture, of my goals in life, and the ones I want the most are going to be a challenge, and unlike Dora the explorer the map is blank in between the destinations, and the real adventure begins with the journey, and not the destination right?

Wish me luck guys

Oh deary me :-(

Things have gone into a downward spiral in my life since my last blog. See here: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/blogs/370222-MilzyWilzy

After months of research chemical use and massive stresses, I finally had a breakdown and landed myself in hospital after trying to end my life.

My actions have caused my children to be told that they cannot live with me at the moment.

I'm so very lonely and scared.

Is there light at the end of this very dark tunnel I'm currently in?

Every day for a while now I’ve told myself tomorrow I’ll take life seriously. When I actually get around to it, my day goes by like every other, except I’m angrier and more dissatisfied. So inevitably, I go back to not taking life seriously. It’s said growing up is a trap: it’s more than that. Growing up is an invitation to frustration. It’s the reinforcement of the reality that you’ll never be a power ranger, a princess or a Jedi. It’s disheartening, and it’s sad, but that’s OK. By not taking life seriously, you invite in the possibility of absurdity. You realize the universe (and more cynically, people in general) really don’t give a shit about you - and that’s hilarious. Really, it’s about letting go. We aren’t to far evolved from our primitive ape ancestors - so get over yourself, and try enjoy life. Seek happiness and truth, wherever they may pop up their elusive heads.

The difference between medicine and poison is the dose.

Lately I've been self-medicating with nicotine. That's right, self-medicating. I used to be a smoker, on and off. I quit about a decade ago, then got back into it for a while, and quit again. I never really took to smoking all that much but lately I've been having my work seriously affected by a fog of depression and knew I had to do something to bust out of the rut.

The something that kept floating up in my mind was having a smoke, but I thought maybe I was just craving nicotine so I started looking into cleaner alternatives. First I looked into e-cigs, but all the nicotine juice for sale seems to be candy-flavoured stuff and that just sounds totally digusting to me. Then I looked into the patch, but for various reasons that didn't seem like a good option either. Finally I settled on just trying the gum. Minty fresh breath and stealthy drug delivery system in one, how could I not try it?

I've done enough drugs to know I was just reaching out of desperation, but I'm still surprised at how well it's been working for me. My morning routine now is breakfast followed by a french press of coffee followed by a 2mg piece of nicotine gum. 2mg is roughly equivalent to the dose in a cigarette, but the effects of the gum come on smoothly and it leaves me in a state of bliss accompanied by the energy and focus to get shit done.

The first few days I was tempted to abuse it, but managed to control the urge and kept it to just one piece a day. Benzos have taught me to be especially wary of half-life and tolerance, so I went into it with an exit strategy if tolerance started building but it's been a few weeks and I'm still getting the desired effect out of a single piece per day. Hence, I consider this self-medicating as opposed to jumping into a fresh addiction. Well, for me it would be jumping back into an old addiction. Funny how I never took to the usual illicit stims but I love my coffee, cocaine and nicotine.

Thanks to the nicotine (never thought I'd say that), I've finally been able to get started on one of the two website ideas I've been thinking of launching for a while. Usually I just do back-end stuff for other people's craptacular sites so I already know my way around a server and the only new challenge for me will be front-end programming (the stuff that the user interacts with directly), with which I don't really have a lot of experience but I'm feeling optimistic about being able to handle it myself.

Almost a decade ago I wrote down my mid-term goals and itemized the short-term goals I had to accomplish to reach them, and I managed to cover the most important goals and it felt amazing at the time. Since then, I've been feeling more and more lost, and maybe that's what catalyzed my spiral into depression. Now I think I finally have a crystallized notion of what I want my next set of mid-term goals to be, so I need to firm up the short-term goals needed and get started on them. I feel anticipation today for the mountains I'm going to climb tomorrow. Today, I am an optimist. Today, I am alive.

I dont care anymore

Less than I used to, which I didn't even know
was possible.

I work at a fancy restaurant washing dishes and the more I see people dine there the more I just dont give a fuck about being successful.

I don't want to push myself to achieve greater things because I know my strengths and weaknesses already, and I have lost my taste for all materialistic things in this world.

I dont want a fancy car or a nice house or two kids and a white picket fence with a golf membership on the weekends. I don't want to have to prove my intelligence by throwing obscene amounts of money to some established institution for four years just so people will think im smart.

I just want to get high and observe the things I do enjoy, mainly sports on television and the occasional documentary on something. This is what I enjoy doing, and im sick of being told its a problem

Really? Because who the fuck am I harming for doing that?

Ill hold the door for old people, ill give someone directions if they're lost, ill even pick up my dogs shit from someone's lawn if it happens to go down like that

Im not a bad person. And im sick of being told that I have a problem. If I wanted to get help id call the A-Team.

I have some things I need to take care of, im aware of that. Its just been a hectic couple of months and shit got lost in the sauce. Im no Welshman though, ill take care of it.

Its just a bummer that people dont realize that the more something is pushed on me the more likely I am to resist it

I am considering living on the streets but I couldn't hold a job like that and it gets really cold here really fast. Maybe in the spring and summer though. I just want to let it be known that if I dont agree with how im being treated, im gone. And then we'll see who really breaks down

andddd lemmi tell you yo, what a trip it has been
seattle, then Portland? the Alamo/sanantonio Houston, and now
back home.


those were some fun, and not so fun times.
seattle was a meth fueld weedsmoke times, still went to work everyday tll the job ended,
moved to Portland, work and meth&heroin ended there(well heroin began in Houston).
started back banging brown dope on the reg while I was working, ended up losing my job, over some heigerarchy bullshit that I have to deal with at work, and being a lineman, I felt like I was entitled..
didn't steal anything, just mf said I failed for barbs on a pisstest which I took using fake piss. like shit bought at a headshop.
well,moved back home to start a job, and well
job did't last verylong.
was enrolled to take fiberoptic splicing courses like next week, sept the instructor had a family emergency in Dubai, man fucking sucks, there went my 007.
so now, kinda back home with my thumb up my ass, havnt talked with ex boss since seattle, hes working in tennense, so not that far from AL if I gotta travel n shit right?
ill let u know h0ow it goes.

I'm breaking a 2 day opiate fast. Tired of yawning all the time and I'm not in a good mood. I caught a bad cold as soon as I quit. Other than that, I didn't have any physical symptoms. No problems sleeping. I've taken something almost every day for about 3 years. As long as I have avoided injecting and the run with fentanyl, I haven't had any real problems. In my case, it's no worse than caffeine.

Ugh. Minor rant, so sorry if i'm stepping on peoples vibes. I just had to cancel a rtn trip to Melbourne there because I fucked up my benzo taper. Was supposed to be leaving 1st December, 13 days time 30+ weather, christmas with old friends on the beach, mate even said I could crash at his and he had a 91 Toyota I could use. I also had made a few inroads into approaching companies re another sponsorship (I was sponsored before on a business visa 157 4 years doing a real handy job for too much money).

But at the CEO's party I was ambushed by a completely free bar, got in a row over a deal - not blowing my trumpet, well maybe I am, because I feel I've precious little to be proud of). But I was top sales bum. 1st 1st 1st 2nd 3rd . It was really a combination of accent, speedy maths, sycophancy and hunger. There's a saying in sales that your only as good as your last sale - I'd like to add a cravat to that, your only as good as the last time you got paralytic drunk, called your line manager a cunt and had a good old drunken wrestle inside the CEO'S $4m home.

So Monday, clear out my desk, visa tied to the job so 90 days to impress a company enough to spend around $12k. So I seen a few sites got in a few fights and landed wretched way way from all my mates over there. Meanwhile people are settling down, and I'm getting older and I've got a job that pays a 1/3rd and is much much more stressful and long. Long days - 8am - 6pm, often later, often expected to front exhibitions, receiving - seriously £15 for a £9300 sale. Driving around 120 miles a day. Playing sales and customer service - and everything on metrics

So when the shit hits the fan, what does the mind of the addict do? (I am an addict - I don't judge anyone else) Increase the speed of the fan and the frequency of the shit. Benzo's, linctus, shit why pay £2 a modafinil when half a kilo can be legally imported for considerably less. And this is where online RC stores have a lot to answer for - you want 25 - there's 34. You want well 250 2mg etizolam well have an extra 125 on us. And you think this is great.

But your still dry at the end of the month. Waking with a Mexican wrestler squatting on your solar-plexus, making demands, demands so intense you sleep with the baggy under your pillow, knowing 4mg of eitz will keep him occupied till brunch, then dinner, then a double dose for supper because you know he's saddling kilo's through the AM.

Your slow, missing appointments, blackberry bleeps disappointment. the finally your brick of Modafinil turns up - Pow, no more late starts, in fact the odd sleepless night allows you imagination to run riot and when that wrestler climbs the ropes ready to smash your solar plexus, you've ow got the drop on him - 6am dosing. Thatcher ran the country (into the ground) on 5 hrs sleep, surely you can medicate your way on 4hrs, traversing the provence, surveying farms beyond the reach of any GPS - this routine doesn't sit right, the 2 highly potent drugs battle hard for your receptors. You can be motoring along on modafinil. Excel charts pop out like doves from a black tie magician - Initial out lay, graduated 25 year cell efficiency, adjusted against interest rates, re-adjusted against energy inflation - the from the peripheral your asked do you take tea or coffee - and you don't fucking know, you have to take one, you always take one, but its a blind bend. the afternoons 14 mg of etizolam cannot compute - you want out - you want a plane ticket. Confidence that most Quixotic, is making a break for the door. sliding of the laptop, stealing the bright hues of the brochure's and the 11yr old's interest. This is a £26k pitch here. Only a corp marshall's authority and integrity allow for a narrative structure and no it must flow flawlessly as if choreographed by Ana Pavlova herself - and you'e changed your mind about tea or coffee twice.

It's gone, get out, the mexicans wrestlers are on the horizon and in greater numbers. A floundering appeal on behalf of the 40 miles before the tactical withdrawal, 16% per annum Mr Random Cunt, no other government backed scheme comes close, nice residual income stream. And all this is true - manufacturer's cost of equipment is £9,000 Wholesaler £14,000 Retail £26,000

I miss being younger. I like thinking/feeling like a kid sometimes, letting the world open up in front of me and walking confidently into it. But the world has been shrinking ever since I passed the quarter-century marker on my mortal coil. In the high-school, work and dorm years I felt like I could fuck around because I was surrounded by people who were likewise naive and immature and comfortable with life (just not their place in it). But now we all feel self-imposed pressure to force serious and we can't even hide our apathy anymore. And we're always apathetic. Everyone is growing up or moving on or whatever but everyone seems to be getting more wound up and worn down as well. It's like we're marginalizing life in order to live. How the fuck can we be so miserable when we're so surrounded by wealth and good fortune?

That reminds me, I have a great business idea, a revolution in businessing: Life As A Service. Picture a service that bullshits on Facebook for you, lols on Twitter, answers your e-mails and connects by wifi to a module in your brain that can automatically detect when you give a fuck in the process of determining whether to inform you that a text message from that person you really wish the service hadn't given your digits to has been received. People will pledge loyalty to this marvelous new paradigm, and we'll break new ground and earn more money and fulfill all our ambitions and try our hardest to completely and utterly bury the kids we used to be until something in our collective minds fucking snaps and we revert to drooling, dawdling infants in a spectacle of cosmic karma; the price to pay for all our self-justified decadence.

last night began with me dranking, 12 Michelob ultras, fallowed by a 4pk tallboys of natural ice.

needless to say the fridge(light) stopped working, I kinda noticed it not working when I stuffd a 12 pack of cardboard boxd beer in the fridge, the light stopped working.
so didn't think much of it, I wake up this morning.
hungover as living hell, where I took a early 4:30am type shower, puked up fucking hashbrowns.no idea where they came from,(I live next to a waffle house(
so anyways, I feel like fucking total shit, and what do I go? go fooliing around seeing why the fridge light stopped working. I stick my hand into the dark fridge, and feel up top, and no shit,i saw sparks, shocked the living shit out of myself, my headache is gone, guess the addrenlin said yo nigga u just shocked yourself.
I look at my hand, and theres still some shit on my middle finger, still glowing red, wat that shit was maybe the copper filament? or w,e was welding itself(or trying to) to my finger, wish I had token a pick, because no shit, had black marks on my finger, on wat happens when u go stickin that hand where its not supposed to be(electrical outlets).
after looking at my finger, I walk over to redeem a free mc cafee frm mc donalds, with black still on my hand, I get there and redeem the cupon and handed that shit over with 'the bad hand', lol lady looked at me, and I was like..i gtta go wash my hands, so im there washing my hands, and the shit comes right off. the entire time im thinking and waiting for that 'afterburn' I usually get after I get bund(ouch),not this time, like that shit was awarning shock. so its all good yal, I can still work my figer.

-later in te day

I ride with my mom to get her hair cut because I am such a good kid, so shes in the saloon getting her hair cut, and my ADD takes hold and immedatly cross the street to go walk laps around the local highschool football field, it was my third lap, when I see something on the ground, a nice smartphone. touchsceeen.the battery was dead, so I just walked back across the street to toy with it, I see 2 sherrifs parked at a neighboring gas station, so.. I go back hangout with my mom, then walk back outside and the cops are still there, well .the best got of me, so I took the phone over to them and turned the shit in, like a good person would do. I coulda, gone, and done harm, wit it.lol so before it got that far,,,i was like , yeah,,plus your wth your mom, shes going to start asking which car did I hit lol. so told her the story,good job drew.
I had dropped my iPhone earlier off at a 'ifixubreak' type store to get the port fixd on it,so was funny I found a phone hahaha.

---
@bestbuy, with the mom :3, getting a new protector for it,a 6ft charge cord lol, headphones(apple earbuds)some batteries, and a $10 card to league of legonds.

now I am sitting here writing this,

I like coffee. Until recently, I drank coffee every day. I averaged around 5 cups. I couldn't function very well without it. In the morning, I couldn`t talk to anybody before I`d had my third cup. Then I`d leave the house and go to a neighborhood coffee shop and drink two or three more. Because my sense of taste and smell is very sensitive, I can only drink premium coffees. The bitter flavor of supermarket coffee like Maxwell House or Sanka makes me nauseous.

Paris has the best food in the world but shockingly has some of the worst coffee. I looked for a place to buy coffee for months since coming to Paris. Ive tried dozens of shops throughout Paris and the rest of France with little luck. Without access to good coffee, I had to switch to tea. Even I can brew it myself - I microwave a mug of water for a few minutes then put in a tea bag for a few more.

There are two main kinds of coffee beans used for making coffee, the arabica bean and the robusta bean. Robusta beans are large, grow anywhere, grow at low elevation and in poor soil, and grow quickly. They are easy to harvest and very cheap. Robusta has long shelf life and is more suited to be brewed as instant coffee. But perhaps because of their larger size, they are difficult to roast correctly. As a result, any subtle flavors they might have had raw are always burnt away. Coffee brewed from robusta beans tastes very bitter and has an aftertaste like burnt grains. Advertisers often describes the flavor as `rich,` 'full-bodied,' or `dark.`

Arabica beans, on the other hand, are hard to grow. They require very specific conditions including higher elevation and better soil. They are often grown on steep mountainsides and are difficult to harvest. They take longer to mature and the yield is less per tree. They are more expensive. Generally, arabica has the best flavor. Like wine, it tends to have overtones of sugar, fruit, flowers, berries.

Until World War II, the civilized world drank coffee brewed from arabica beans or just tea. When the war broke out, trade was disrupted, rationing was imposed, and arabica became expensive. Nobody had any money to afford it. Soldiers were issued beans made from robusta coffee. It traveled well and could be brewed instantly. The world world switched to robusta. No idea why they didn`t give up coffee altogether and switch to tea, but I suspect that since around 80 percent of the population smoked tobacco cigarettes, their sense of taste was dead. Everyone else had been exposed to so much second hand smoke that they couldn't taste anything either. Nobody could tell the difference. After the war, the economies of Europe were devastated and nobody could afford arabica. France encouraged the production of robusta beans in its former colonies and imposed a tax on arabica beans to give robusta an advantage so robusta drinking became deeply entrenched in France. Everybody in France smoked cigarettes as well.

It took years, but as robusta drinkers died off and a new generation came of age, arabica began to make it back to the markets in the 1960s and 1970s adn finally became widespread in the 1990s. In 1966, Alfred Peet founded Peets Coffee and Tea in Berkely, California. Promisingly, he decided to use arabica beans. But he ruined the beans because he used the robusta dark roasting technique he learnt in the army during WWII. This dark roasting method burns the beans. Dark roasting basically scorches the beans and burns away all flavor. It was the only way to deal with (get them to cook all the way through) inferior robusta beans during war time. No matter how good the bean is to start with, dark roasting removes all of the flavors. It ruins the subtle berry, floral, fruit, or sugary flavors and makes all coffee beans taste the same: very bitter. Like most men in the 1960s, Peet was a heavy smoker and wouldn't have been able to taste the difference between roasting techniques even if he'd experimented.

Starbucks came along in the 1970s and the founders learned Peets roasting style. I suspect the Starbucks founders were chainsmokers too and therefore lacked sensitive palates. They didnt have the taste buds to know how bitter and undrinkable their coffee was. As far as I know, Starbucks and the others only use arabica beans, but for whatever reason, they and all the other big coffee shop chains like Peets, pikes place, seattles best, caribou, dunn brothers, and joe muggs overwhelmingly use the same dark roast method. I suspect that even though they use arabica beans, they use the cheapest arabica beans of the lowest quality bred to grow at low elevations and in bad soil in wastelands in places like sub-Saharan Africa. The worst arabica beans are worse than the best robusta beans, after all. They stick with the dark roast method because it covers up the fact that their beans are cheap.

You can`t tell if all you drink are the sweet, flavored drinks like mochas or cappuccinos because the other ingredients cover the bitter flavor. But it's obvious that their drip and espresso shots use cheap beans.

I asked natives for help but they didn't know what was talking about. They grew up on bad coffee, and the harsh brews have killed their sense of taste I imagine. It doesn't help that people here smoke cigarettes like it`s 1970.

Cigarette tobacco and robusta beans have a lot in common. Just like robusta is the lowest quality of coffee, cigarette tobacco is the lowest quality of tobacco. It is made from the cheap part of the leaf cut from the cheapest plants and is mixed with the scraps left over from making cigars and pipe tobacco. That's why cigarettes smell like burnt cat shit while pipe, cigar and sheesha tobacco have rich, savory smells with hints of exotic things like fruit, wood, leather, or wines. Cigarettes, like bad coffee, are not smoked for their flavor.

As I mentioned, I looked for drinkable coffee for months. I tried the ubiquitous cafes and brasseries Paris is famous for. But they all use the same a blend of arabica mixed with robusta. After a year, I've found only four or five coffee shops that serve coffee brewed from high quality arabica beans in a city of ten million. Unfortunately, they are not close to my flat. You might wonder why I don't have some beans shipped to me, but I don't like to make my own coffee. My xgf used to do it for me when I bought beans, but it's not the same when I try.

So on November 3rd, it made 9 years since my mom died. I can't believe it's been one year shy of a fucking decade she's been gone. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like she never really existed in the first place. I have pictures and my memories, but it's scary.

She's my mommy, so why can't I remember what her voice sounded like? Why can't I remember what she smelled like? It's all those things that scare me. I was 20 when she died, now I'm going on 30.

Also on November 3rd of this year, my girlfriend and future wife was diagnosed with COPD. She smoked cigarettes for almost half of her life. But the fucking ironic part of all this was that she had just recently quit smoking because she had bronchitis for the millionth time. She went to the doctor, got antibiotics, then her breathing got worse, so her Doctor ordered a chest X-ray. From the X-ray, her Doctor diagnosed her with COPD. I know it's not, like, a terminal illness, but I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to lose the love of my life.

I know it's very hypocritical of me to say these things as I use heroin and cocaine and smoke crack and just generally do stupid things to myself in order to cope.

She said she has to go through having COPD alone, like everything else for the past 5 years. Basically, since I became addicted to opiates and became a daily user. Jesus, that's so depressing how long it's been and how I'm still making the same damn mistakes. When will I learn my lesson? I also want to be there for my girlfriend, but I don't know what to do. I want to hold her and cry with her. I want to tell her everything will be fine. I want her to stop reading WebMD about COPD. I want her to be happy and healthy.

I've been working as much as I can at the Chain Coffee Shop that shall not be named but you've probably been to one. I wake up at 3:30am to get on a 4:30am train to be at work by 5:30am. I'm also usually out of work before 1pm, so that's awesome. I am basically a nocturnal animal at this point.

I've been up for 24 hours now. I can't look at this screen much longer or my head is going to fall off my body. I wanted to write more, but alas I can only see from my left eye... fucking heroin and cocaine.

I gotta pick up this month's supply of Suboxone... ugh, so fucking lazy. I keep nodding the fuck out.

Peace & Love.

I like coffee. Until recently, I drank coffee every day. I averaged around 5 cups. I couldn't function very well without it. In the morning, I couldn`t talk to anybody before I`d had my third cup. Then I`d leave the house and go to a neighborhood coffee shop and drink two or three more. Because my sense of taste and smell is very sensitive, I can only drink premium coffees. The bitter flavor of supermarket coffee like Maxwell House or Sanka makes me nauseous.

Paris has the best food in the world but shockingly has some of the worst coffee. I looked for a place to buy coffee for months since coming to Paris. Ive tried dozens of shops throughout Paris and the rest of France with little luck. Without access to good coffee, I had to switch to tea. Even I can brew it myself - I microwave a mug of water for a few minutes then put in a tea bag for a few more.

There are two main kinds of coffee beans used for making coffee, the arabica bean and the robusta bean. Robusta beans are large, grow anywhere, grow at low elevation and in poor soil, and grow quickly. They are easy to harvest and very cheap. Robusta has long shelf life and is more suited to be brewed as instant coffee. But perhaps because of their larger size, they are difficult to roast correctly. As a result, any subtle flavors they might have had raw are always burnt away. Coffee brewed from robusta beans tastes very bitter and has an aftertaste like burnt grains. Advertisers often describes the flavor as `rich,` 'full-bodied,' or `dark.`

Arabica beans, on the other hand, are hard to grow. They require very specific conditions including higher elevation and better soil. They are often grown on steep mountainsides and are difficult to harvest. They take longer to mature and the yield is less per tree. They are more expensive. Generally, arabica has the best flavor. Like wine, it tends to have overtones of sugar, fruit, flowers, berries.

Until World War II, the civilized world drank coffee brewed from arabica beans or just tea. When the war broke out, trade was disrupted, rationing was imposed, and arabica became expensive. Nobody had any money to afford it. Soldiers were issued beans made from robusta coffee. It traveled well and could be brewed instantly. The world world switched to robusta. No idea why they didn`t give up coffee altogether and switch to tea, but I suspect that since around 80 percent of the population smoked tobacco cigarettes, their sense of taste was dead. Everyone else had been exposed to so much second hand smoke that they couldn't taste anything either. Nobody could tell the difference. After the war, the economies of Europe were devastated and nobody could afford arabica. France encouraged the production of robusta beans in its former colonies and imposed a tax on arabica beans to give robusta an advantage so robusta drinking became deeply entrenched in France. Everybody in France smoked cigarettes as well.

It took years, but as robusta drinkers died off and a new generation came of age, arabica began to make it back to the markets in the 1960s and 1970s adn finally became widespread in the 1990s. In 1966, Alfred Peet founded Peets Coffee and Tea in Berkely, California. Promisingly, he decided to use arabica beans. But he ruined the beans because he used the robusta dark roasting technique he learnt in the army during WWII. Dark roasting basically scorches the beans and burns away all flavor. It was the only way to deal with (get them to cook all the way through) inferior robusta beans during war time. No matter how good the bean is to start with, dark roasting removes all of the flavors. It ruins the subtle berry, floral, fruit, or sugary flavors and makes all coffee beans taste the same: very bitter. Like most men in the 1960s, Peet was a heavy smoker and wouldn't have been able to taste the difference between roasting techniques even if he'd experimented.

Starbucks came along in the 1970s and the founders learned Peets roasting style. I suspect the Starbucks founders were chainsmokers too and therefore lacked sensitive palates. They didnt have the taste buds to know how bitter and undrinkable their coffee was. As far as I know, Starbucks and the others only use arabica beans, but for whatever reason, they and all the other big coffee shop chains like Peets, pikes place, seattles best, caribou, dunn brothers, and joe muggs use the same dark roast method. I suspect that even though they use arabica beans, they use the cheapest arabica beans of the lowest quality bred to grow at low elevations and in bad soil in wastelands in places like sub-Saharan Africa. The worst arabica beans are worse than the best robusta beans, after all.

You can`t tell if all you drink are the sweet, flavored drinks like mochas or cappuccinos because the other ingredients cover the bitter flavor. But it's obvious that their drip and espresso shots use cheap beans.

I asked natives for help but they didn't know what was talking about. They grew up on bad coffee, and the harsh brews have killed their sense of taste I imagine. It doesn't help that people here smoke cigarettes like it`s 1970.

Cigarette tobacco and robusta beans have a lot in common. Just like robusta is the lowest quality of coffee, cigarette tobacco is the lowest quality of tobacco. It is made from the cheap part of the leaf cut from the cheapest plants and is mixed with the scraps left over from making cigars and pipe tobacco. That's why cigarettes smell like burnt cat shit while pipe, cigar and sheesha tobacco have rich, savory smells with hints of exotic things like fruit, wood, leather, or wines. Cigarettes, like bad coffee, are not smoked for their flavor.

As I mentioned, I looked for drinkable coffee for months. I tried the ubiquitous cafes and brasseries Paris is famous for. But they all use the same a blend of arabica mixed with robusta. After a year, I've found only four or five coffee shops that serve coffee brewed from high quality arabica beans in a city of ten million that serve high quality coffee. Unfortunately, they are not close to my flat. You might wonder why I don't have some beans shipped to me, but I don't like to make my own coffee. My xgf used to do it for me when I bought beans, but it's not the same when I try.

Well I figured I would write a little bit more as we have hit yet another mile stone i suppose. Now the g/f is down to 8mg of methadone a day and we can not seem to get her to sleep more then 4 hours a night. She suffers from depression and anxiety, mornings are always rough for her so shes always in the worst mood in the mornings. This was fine because the mornings dont last long normally. She use to get up around 10am maybe be pissed while she wakes up so like an hour or 2 at most but now that shes up at like 5am i hear it nonstop. We are both at our wits end about this shes on lunesta she takes valium she exercises (weight training she has bad knees and scoliosis so she cant sprint really) but i want her to do cardio to try it.

I suppose i am writing this as a means to vent this time. We are both trying our hardest but the issue is shes been trying to get her life together, making doctors appointments trying to get a job, but its like every morning is a struggle for her between her anxiety ruining her sleep when she has appointments and now the methadone or whatever is keeping her up some days she nearly drives me insane before i even punch into work. Today she started at 9am and i cant get a hold of her anymore. Dont get me wrong i dont think she would ever hurt herself now, i use to fear she would kill herself because she suffered from depression with suicidal tendencies, mostly self harm nothing major, but when we were addicted to heroin leaving her alone to go to work in withdrawal i would worry it would get the best of her because it seemed hopeless. So its not that i worry shes going to do anything i just want her to have a good time being alive, even if its an unfulfilled existence and it upsets her that way, i just dont want her in pain from a lack of sleep.

She is also struggling to find her purpose so she feels like she has none. Its hard because i have a very well defined purpose and it can occupy me indefinitely though knowledge and purchases. My goals can almost never be achieved due to how lofty they are but that just means to me i have a "lifes work" I wish i could help her find her purpose.

Its funny to think that quitting heroin and getting her to a healthy weight and everything would be the easy part. Seriously we have not had a single issue with cravings relapse or anything, i can safely say we are not at risk for any of that at all. In fact in the beginning it was as simple as saying no. She would go "i want to kill myself, that or dope" and i would just say "no" and then eventually that stopped sometime in march. It is known between the both of us that is not the path for us and I knew she would try and the reason it was so simple is historicaly thats all she needed to say to get me to borrow money or whatever to get dope but once she was on methadone i could just say "your not sick so no wtf do you think its going to do other then waste money" sure when she was adjusting to the methadone she used until she got to 90 then she just one day said "dont go to the city after work come home instead" and that was the end of the daily drive. But i digress, I know that its not dope and that we wont relapse but that doesnt make leaving her in pain easier. I hoped that i wouldnt have to deal with mood swings after we quit but realistically that is who she is and now that the mood swings dont involve dope sure the easiest way to end them is over but she rebounds after hours its just hours before she suddenly is ok with life again.

Its a very hard situation because shes done the whole SSRI thing, they drive her insane. She has a much more level mood off any type of SSRI then on them. In fact she can not take trazodone for sleep as that was causing her to not feel emotions and those were the days where i was worried she would hurt herself. So its not like she can go back on them i spent months trying to convince her that she will feel emotions again and that she will love me "like she should" as she put it. So i am infinitely happier now that i dont hear "i dont want you to come over you dont know what its like watching you cry and say you love me and i can not respond emotionally, you dont get it i awnt to feel something when you cry but i cant" those were harder days for a different reason.

I guess this serves as a vent. I hope that she gets better soon. We have tried everything my friend even put like 3g of dabs in 21 pills and she took 3 a night for 7 days and still barely slept and we got awesome weed from the dispensary in the area 28% THC verified still only put her to sleep for 5 hours. Some mornings its just hard to not say "oh i bet now your regretting being on benzos and lunesta before this, you should have manned up and dealt with not sleeping then rather then removing 2 classes from your arsenal because you have already been taking them daily."

How do I send and receive pm