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White wine - one glass. Tacos. Bottle of pinot noir. Oxy. Panadeine extra. Two cocktails. Coconut water. Oxy. Panadeine extra. Doxylamine succitate.

Good night indeed.

I hate it when people rag on my shitbox car. I accept that it's a shitbox car and when it takes some body damage it's comforting to know I can just shrug instead of convulse in a fit of anxiety, which I would if it were a newer car with a mint body.

There are two types of people I know who do work on cars, people who are experts at body and paint work and people who are experts at mechanical work. I am of the latter, and so the only reason my car is considered a shitbox is because I fail at knowing how to deal with (or care about) the blemishes a car tends to get after a few decades of service. The bumper's wrecked, the door's dented, the quarter panels look like salvage off the Titanic.

But if you put my car up on a lift it's a different story. Everything from the drivetrain to the suspension has been either replaced by OEM components or superior aftermarket variants. I've gotten so intimate with the moving parts of my car that I could strip it, blindfolded, down to the bare shell and if you came along and picked up a bolt at random I could tell you exactly where it belongs. It's comforting to know every little detail and idiosycracy of something as close to me as the vehicle that I use to take me anywhere, or to move things in, or to move people in, or just to sit in mindlessly listening to music as I cruise around meditating on life.

So when people ask: "when are you finally going to get rid of that thing?" I just don't know what to tell them. It's not just a car to me, it's a precious possession that, despite shitbox status, has returned my loving touch with years of loyal service. You won't catch me broken down on the side of the road, no suh. Plus, I can leave it anywhere without having to worry about some jackass stealing it. Frankly, I wouldn't mind keeping it for the rest of my life. Then if some kook ever builds a museum in my honour, maybe some future gearhead will visit it and see my shitbox sitting in a corner and smile knowingly, as he explains to his young son or daughter: "...you see, the trick is that it looks like a shitbox."

Noting for archival purposes.

Tried a couple of small doses of mulungu. 30mg one day, 40mg the next.

Both times I did not like the feeling, even at these small doses, of the drug being in the system. Not a clean feeling like kratom.

Caused scratchy feeling and post nasal drip in lungs/throat when wearing off.

Similar to how magnolia bark felt when wearing off. A gritty feeling.

Also strong diuretic effect.

Hence noted to ensure cessasion of further experimentation.

I know that I did what I needed to do but fuck I wish I could stop thinking about you. I knew you for 2 seconds but you have made an imprint on my heart and brain.

Today I remembered you telling me you were relieved when we met; wish you would have tried more; wish the effort wasn't so one fucking sided.

Whatever, we both moved on now, its so easy for people like us. But I still think about you. I will however not contact you, my pride will always get in the way. I wonder whether you think of me and if so, in what way?

Suppose it doesn't matter anymore and I will let sleeping dogs lie.

I've had migraines for as long as I remember. Because my parents did not believe in migraines, I was never diagnosed or given any kind of medical intervention. Not even an aspirin. For that matter, they didnt believe in allergies, or any kind of illness. To them, anything coud be cured through Christian prayer. That said, I was ill for much of my childhood, and I missed more school days than the kid who died of cystic fibrosis. My health improved greatly and the frequency of my migraines decreased as soon as I left home when I was 17.

My last migraine was a month ago. Before that migraine, except for the occasional break, I had been using opiates up to 3 times a day for around 3 years. That headache was so bad and lasted so long that it overwhelmed any WD symptoms and cravings for long enough that by the time it was over, I had lost the desire for opiates; toward the end I did finally crawl to the nearest pharmacy, puking in the street along the way to get a single box of tramodol.

Many migraine sufferers experience a visual aura soon before the migraine strikes. Mine is permanent, however, it intensifies before the migraine and remains strong during the migraine. Mine is litterally a halo and rays and swirls of brilliant lights. Look at mideval religious paintings of saints, and you will see painted halos that correspond to the figure's moral alignment. They look very much like what I see. Humans and other living things are surrounded by auras of light of varioius hues. So, as I made my way to the pharmacy, I was surrounded by people with halos of various types. Most had neutral/green/blue halos, but a few had an evil red glow while one or two were saintly gold. Other objects have halos as well, but they are different. They look more like the geometric patterns shown in aboriginal and some Celtic art. The air itself is full of energetic light. For most people, the visual effects of a migraine aura lasts only around 30 minutes.

When I was 14, I had an artistic vision. I wanted to created a new style of art based on the visual disturbances caused by my neurological disorder. I spent countless hours learning to draw and paint but no matter how hard I tried, my art sucked. I don't have any talent.

Whackety whack whack niggaz

so blogs i say?
why not?

I dunno 4 month opie binge ends friday unless i try to get some more shit but i dunno. Figured good place in my life to start this. Steve Wilkos is on

LOL i dunno wtf to wrijte anymore...mdones are kickin in, Talk Shows have chicks on em and id go...id bang her, and shes so normal looking that id actualy have a chance lol.

and I dont mean like the occasional "come on stupid" I mean like full on conversations with myself.

im fucked up man.

like, in the head. not physically. Im just a bum really in that regard

no motivation to do anything.

go to work. get high. talk to myself. watch tv. rinse. lather. repeat

a vicious cycle Ive gotten myself into, yet so welcoming at the same time

so enjoyable. so peaceful

me and heroin. just hangin out

at the root of it im just selfish really. I honestly enjoy being alone because I truly enjoy listening to myself talk. somewhat narcisisstic (no spell check on mobile, my weakness is revealed), somewhat delusional, but completely problematic for my mental health.

I used to do drugs because I was bored, now Im bored if im not doing drugs. I never wanted to hang out. I dont want to come to your birthday party.

and I dont know why.

Im an agreeable guy. I get along with people. shit, people LIKE me.

but I am poison

its just never really been a desire of mine. to form connections that is

reach out to someone. give myself to others.

Id rather just isolate myself in my own comfort zone and watch the world around me burn, satisfied in the fact that I wasnt the one who sparked the blaze.

I dont hurt nobody. I dont help nobody. Is that a good trade off?

I dont know, and this uncertainty leads to repetitive behavior.

im a creature of habit, and I have a few of them. Some good. some bad

all changeable. but I resist that path because deep down Im afraid to go out of my comfort zone. put my neck out where its out of my control. leave my fate to someone else.

you cant make people want you to be a part of their lives. just like you cant make people NOT want you to be a part of their lives.

but I am stubborn in my ways, and my ways are sort of... well downright illegal to be honest.

and since I dont change, if your involved in my life, you join this illegality.

some willingly. some hesitantly. some refuse. some dont get a chance to do any of those.

and at the end of the day, I dont really care. but I care about the fact that I dont care.

I want to change, but I dont want to be someone Im not. I cant live in a fake existence.

Time will tell, but for right now, I like to get high.

I am poison, and im still searching for the antidote

It's been almost 7 months since I have written on my blog. I'm still stuck meaning I'm still abusing my gabapentin. I wonder if I'm by definition abusing my ambien too. I use it for what it's prescribed for but I double my dose. So instead of 10 mg I take 20 mg. I've been able to skip it occassionally because the gabapentin sometimes makes me sleepy enough to be able to sleep at night. I ask if I'm "abusing" my ambien because I get excited at night knowing I have that dose coming that will assure me I will sleep all night with ease. It provides me with relief that's psychological. It scares me to think that I'll be awake all night left to overthink with my mind racing. Feeling the overwhelming guilt all night feeling anxiety all night. So the ambien I use for sleep but I also use it as relief from anxiety and from my thoughts and emotions.

My goals for 2016:
Get to a primary doctor to figure out why I don t feel good physically

Get back to my therapy. I still need it

Get off the ambien and find something else that will help me sleep

Find a job that will allow me to still be able to get my son to school

Start doing yoga again

Make my house a home

I also still feel stuck because I still have moments of anxiety of guilt. Moments were I'm reliving the past. They are getting to be less often though

I also feel as if I'm moving on and moving forward a bit. I'm starting to feel that it's ok for me to do that and for me to take care of myself. Although I'm still relying on the gabapentin and ambien to get me through. And occassionally a butalbital (fioricet)

I am looking forward to making these improvements in my life not only for me but for both of my boys.

I know it won't be easy but I know I can do it. I know I need to do it

Right now I'm on



AMPHETAMINE

But I want some



MEPHEDRONE aka 4-MMC

I haven't had it since 2010. You have to redose every hour to hour and a half to keep the party going, but it makes me so horny and chatty. I used to get naked on sex cam sites, masturbate a lot, and chat with people while on it.

Good times!

The less I need to worry about myself, the more energy I have to focus on the other people in my life, and I had really forgotten how rewarding that feels. There's great synergy in cheering up friends by having them along to do something I find fun. Fun can be infectious. I am not ashamed to wear my selfishness with pride. I want to have fun, I want friends to have fun, and frankly what they think they might possibly want doesn't factor into my thinking. Momentum belongs to the first one willing to grab the reigns and forge ahead. If you want pole position, you just have to reach for it before I do. I don't mind following someone if they can inspire me with their passion, will or enthusiasm but I am not going to waste my time following people who can't or won't lead. The flame does not need to worry about pursuing the moths, the flame just needs to radiate. That is all.

So my girlfriend and myself have been going through rapid changes as we leave our opiate addiction behind us. She is on week 3 off methadone and is finally healthy and wants to have a happy future without drugs... but also maybe without me.

I knew she was feeling different, you dont spend 6 years with someone every day and not know they are feeling off. I thought it was the methadone and kept thinking, tomorrow will be better, but Monday she said what i feared.

She said that she didnt love me anymore, a convocation we had before when she was withdrawing or when there were other factors this time i can see the conviction and tell she means it. She has been on edge and will try to fight with me via emails or texts because she is interpreting my messages wrong but i am coming to terms with it.

Today i told her "i understand" and i finally mean it. She has changed so much in a year from a former IV heroin addict to a wonderful clean highly motivated person, as have i. The problem is before we got into opiates we were 1-1.5 years into the relationship and now its 5 years later and i know she wants the passion, romance and unique experiences we had together again now that she is clean. I fully understand she is the phoenix that rose from the ashes of a live ruined by heroin and its time i step back and let her fly away.

I spent so many years worried we would end up like candy and dan from "candy" that i would wake up or come home from work with her mom thinking she was with me or finding her dead from her body giving up or her choosing to end it. I get the distinct pleasure of doing what i intended, not letting that happen and causing her to grow into the person she was meant to. I knew that might mean her leaving me but i unfortunately grew closer to her because she became who i knew she was. For the first time i know she will be ok i know that the lessons she learned are real i can see confidence in her eyes and she talks about how hot she is and how she can do anything (way different from when we met) I just wanted to be a part of her future because i love her and she loves me like a friend.

I have been in this position before and last time i spent 2 years in a drunken haze desperately trying to figure out why the last one stopped loving me, at least this time i understand. As hard as it is to accept i understand it which is something to be thankful for.

Most people walk around trying to change the person they are with, we didnt change each other but we definitely helped the other become themselves. Through our heroin addiction we learned who we truly are and i know she wants to show the world who she is and see what they think of it, i know thats what this is all about at its very most basic.

I once said to her "i never believed in an afterlife but because of you i dont want to be alone in the ground i want to believe we will find each other, as we have in the past and will in the future." I hope if she chooses to leave me we will find each other again, as new people willing to start over. I will not hold out or dwell on it but my connection to her is so great i cant imagine it leaving me. I know i will be ok and i am reinforced by knowing she will be, the one thing i always wanted... her to be happy.

So this makes a week after my g/f said she wasnt sure if we could be together. In this week I managed to go from shock and disbelief to acceptance in about 5 days. When she first said this to me it stung in ways you cant imagine. It was an emotional shit storm that ending in crying and then sex, as i said i wasnt sure if i could perform because the methadone, even though i am on 20mg... i dont know i guess the years of not really thinking about and almost forgetting how to initiate it and everything it had been a while and part of the whole thing was me apologizing because i dont feel like a man how i was asking my mom to help me pay for a doctors appointment to see if i have an issue with testosterone. But after that i feel normal again like i had a sex drive and failed to understand what it was... like how if you develop an eating disorder you can forget what hunger is.

Anyway during this week i got a hair cut, have long hair got it tamed and cut to my shoulders. But i went to a barber and got that and my beard done bought cologne got new clothes I did all of that for her i suppose but really it was because i do understand that if i am going to move on i dont have the time to wallow in self pity like when i was young I have a set plan and must accomplish what i set out to do. Not saying i have to conceal my emotions and hide but i need to continue to move forward regardless.

So this week was great we did a lot of things, lunch and fun things. But more importantly she did the one thing that would not happen any other way, she forced me to view her as a person and not someone i have an undying love for. I still love her dearly but seeing her as a person well it reinforced how i feel rather then removing it but in that it also allowed me to fully accept her new personality.

You must understand as of now she has no real friends, no job, doesnt do much... she has a solid future plan, takes care of herself and desires a good future. Its hard when you were IVing heroin for 3 years those first 3 things come with time after finding the power in yourself. But anyway to say she was going to leave me to doom herself to no contact with the one person who does understand, i have never seen a bigger act of courage and desire to move forward in someone. She burned all of her past where it lie with a huge fire and rose from the ashes a new person.

So at lunch yesterday, the designated deciding day, i told her "i am happy for the first time in a long time, i dont fear tomorrow, i dont care about money, i dont feel stringed to my job and everyones bitch i feel like me again. I know i will be happy whatever happens, whatever happens with us, i have come to see that i can not stop the Phoenix from rising from the ashes of a past life nor would i want to" as i held her hand and smiled at her. I wish i had a camera for the look she gave me she was totally not expecting me to say that at that moment. I think maybe she thought i was saying those first bits as reasons to stay and she looked like she was going to fall over but regained herself back and asked if it was time to leave and i said "sure"

Last week she told me we werent to do anything physical because she wasnt sure what she wanted. She said she didnt want to hurt either of us by doing that, well last night we had the most passionate night we have had in forever. It ended with me saying "i love you... oh, sorry" and she smiled and said "i love you too" we said our goodbyes and i left.

I dont know where we go from here but i meant what i said, my Phoenix finally ready to leave her life of sadness behind. I couldnt begin to express how happy i am for her and if her future is without me at least i can know its with happiness.

I use to cry and say "i am sorry we got into heroin i guess my desire to make you happy went awry, i didnt mean for this" now if i need to let go i can say "i am sorry it had to be this way, i just wanted you to be happy and for once i can see you are and you will be ok as will i"

My Phoenix, I never thought we would get to the point where you would grow so confident as to leave me. I always wanted this for you and if it means stepping back and watching you fly away i know i can i know i can someday smile knowing that i helped you through a dark time, there was once a time i was worried I would tell a tale of lost love how i ruined someone with a poor decision, no longer am i burdened by a painful reality and no longer will i stop your light from shining for as you shine so do i.

Operation break up with NF complete. Thank fuck for that.

Its been a while. I've crossed over to being a real junky now, its not cute anymore.

I hope that other people get this addiction thing faster than I did, this shit is real and it is fucking destructive in à way I couldn't previously commprehend. I live under a freeway in Oakland in a tent where I slam meth and black tar heroin into my femoral vein (but not before popping a fist full of benzos!). I hallucinate on a daily basis that my friends are trying to kill me (that's meth!) and I got hep c at least.

All I can say is LEGALIZE HEROIN. Its the only solution I can see.

For fuck sake.

The NHS won't help "yet". (I've beeen pestering old and new surgery to SORT IT OUT since November,they still haven;t sent over my records!)

Private healthcare WONT FUCKING help (I'm a liability!)

I can't even the fucking "Rape Line" Or "Abuse Line" to FUCKING WORK. The god damn police referred me to both. They SAY they are 6.30pm - 9pm at the moment (usually 24/7), but NOBODY IS FUCKING ANSWERING.

God... damn... !!!

I can't believe I've been to hospital countless times, (woken up with IVs etc )
Passed out/ had apparently SEIZURES in front of countless professionals,

and they did nothing.. (didn't look into it, just treated symptoms with I.V, drugs for related problems (e.g antipsychotics for frustration and memory problems!!), they didn't refer me to someone who was trained in the right field (neurologist)... argggghhhhhhkjdhkdghid

I had to fucking work it out myself!! (Veryyyyy hard as you don't remember 99% time! You just wake up on the floor/ somewhere, with no recollection of where you are/ how you got there, etc.. ) It's taken me more than THREE GOD DAMN YEARS.

God damn, the NHS sucks.. (Not all, but the "care" I had as a fricking tax payer = ridiculous. )
I want to get private healthcare, so I can receive -GOOD TREATMENT-. Can't afford it though, meh... Might ask for it for my family for my bday present? (My bday is on the 14th)..

Wondering, should I do that before I see an NHS neurologist??? Hm..

- Don't be gullible, let others take advantage of you and keep forgiving them.
- Don't repress your feelings, let others boss you around (when you know they're being assholes!) and learn how to stand up for yourself!
- Learn how to detect the typical traits of sociopaths/ psychos. Any signs- stay the hell away!!
- Don't try and overdose on pharms. It most definitely won't work. You'll just end up (at best)- passed out for days. Not so good- with brain damage, memory problems, have a seizure, have a stroke, be paralysed, etc. It will most likely just screw you up long term, both mentally and physically.
- DON'T GIVE UP. Don't let the dark side win. Whatever has happened, you can and will laugh and feel happy again if you hang in there.

--

God damn. I wish I wasn't so naive, had such a low self esteem and lack of confidence when I was 19. I would do anything to go back in time and change what happened. If I never met my ex, I'd have my health, my degree, a career, friends, a normal happy life! Maybe even in I could of got married to someone, have kids, grow old?

God damn. I hate myself so much right now for choosing this life instead. I know I'm lucky not to have pneumonia like the last few years, but to be honest, I wish I had it. There's a 1/ 25 chance of having a natural end. I don't want to see a neurologist, go in horrible MRI and CAT scan machines and shit. If I had a life, friends, etc and it was one thing- fair enough. I'd do it. However, I've got myself into a position of having multiple, physical and mental problems. I can't deal with it.

God damn it. I hate the lack of available help/ knowledge the NHS has sometimes. I really really wish I could speak to a therapist this month, but I've moved, and am on a waiting list which takes over 6 months, so no chance. How sad, that so many people get seasonal depression, but can't see anyone about it, and end up committing suicide as well. If I make it through this, I will do everything in my power to change this!
I have found someone private, I've booked them on the 22/12, but it's so expensive it means I'll have no money leftover.

Oh, and is this a messed up sign or what? I thought I got rid of all the pregabs and betablockers, but when I was cleaning tonight, found at least a 100+ pills, and some needles. I tried to OD on pregabs 22/12/13, but ended up with bell's palsy. Betablockers though, they nearly worked twice before. I was so close. I am trying to take my own advice to not do it, so badly. It feels like they have already won though. I'm a laughing stock, a freak. Better off gone. I need to finish what I started. FUCK SAKE! I don't know what to do.

Mental fucking tug of war. 2 days.

i hate this.

NF and I became official. Big mistake. Need to end it stat. Urghhhh now for the talk.

1) FUCKING DIE ALREADY. i don't care any more, i refuse to be scared of dying. (death- go suck your own dick plz). i just want the chronic physical god damn untreatable bullshit to stop already. i've forced myself to try and have a last few laughs, have met lovely people, im ready now for eternal peace.

2) i refuse to wake up in god damn hospital again. i wish people would just leave me if they find me unconscious (thanks, but seriously why bother getting an ambulance? waste of time.. others need it.. ) i hate being a patient in hospital with a passion, it's not fun being around other people dying/ in distress. i can hear them scream in fear and cry, it's horrible.

3) arghhh i wish my body would just quit trying to fight, and stop already. meh. it bloody won't (yet). do i really need a one way ticket to swiitzerland? (it would be awesome and i'd do it if i could ski/ board like i used too first, but noooo, shitty body can't handle the cold, can you? )

this is so messed up, i know. i'm not depressed, i just want the pain to STOP PLEASE. lungs are fucked so might as well get it over with? and donate the rest that works? (help some others before it's all useless). i want a DNR but i don't think i'm bloody allowed one, ffs. thank god for illegal shit, haha. i dont want to use dope as that'll make it harder for my family. (and i knew it was unfair on them to see them again). morphine for the win. meh. few more days of this bullcrap and i give up. i'll try and cheer up as many people till then.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, it's working (most of the time). Need to keep focused on trying to be healthy and helping those who need it most (not assholes). It's weird speaking to people again and leaving the house past my comfort zone. I'm not used to it. I know I'm probably making a huge asshole of myself trying to speak to people, I just don't really give a shit any more though.

I've reported the guy who.. was a domestic abusive asshole, and wouldn't let me talk to friends, go anywhere other than work and would check up on me or do anything or have any freedom (no phone, internet etc). I know he's the route cause of my anxiety, agoraphobia, flashbacks, depression and substance abuse.

The flashbacks are bad in december, especially on 12/12, 22/12, 29/12 and 30/12. It's like it was yesterday, ugh. I've always been ashamed of myself of this, I've never have been able to talk about it (or think about it) without breaking down, till recently.
the guy was on an electronic tag from the police for doing something horrible, and took his anger out on me.

Awesome memories
-Coming home from work, and him being drunk as hell. I asked how he was. He screams "how do you fucking think I am, you stupid bitch!!" and throws the dinner I got him at me, followed by a chair and then --
- Him pinning me down, laughing at me being scared.. "haha, i could fucking rape you, you stupid bitch".. blah blah.. headbutting, punching, hitting.
- My housemate hearing, and calling the police throughout december. I only remember one time, which is messed up :/
- On the 22nd of december (have vivid flashbacks of this every stupid anniversary)
He had knocked me out, and I was bleeding pretty bad from my head/ear and shit when they came over. I was fucking terrified, as he had said that if I spoke, he'd murder my family (and me) as soon as he got out. He was on a suspended sentence. He said he "had to get away from his old town as he stabbed someone and left them for dead", and he would do it to my family if I grassed..
-The police asked me 40 questions, which I shook my head no for each one. (police: please speak to us, we can't do anything if you don't.)
Meh.
- After the police went, I went to the docs as my head + ear were bleeding and I was in horrific pain. The doc laughed and said it looked like I got punched by Mike Tyson. (don't try and be a comedian if your a doc, please. it made me scared to go back.)
-When I walked back from the docs, the admin staff from the docs phone me and said "you need to go to a&e".. so, i walk up there, get taken in. I could hear other people screaming. I've never been so alone in my whole life. it was horrible. i had nothing on me to distract me.

-After I chucked him out of my house after he went crazy again, and I spent 22/12/10 s in hospital (cheers for the head injury, ruptured blood vessels and shit pal). Then got out, got the bus back (from miles away as I had to be transferred to another hospital to stick a needle in my ear and suck the blood/ crap out).
I don't know how, but as SOON as I get off the bus, he appears out of nowhere and follows me home. He wouldn't leave me alone. He forced is way in.

-On the 29/12 he flips badly again, throwing a chair at me and standing over me smashing me with the leg.
I finally try and stand up, PICK his fucking tag box and chuck it out my back door (it led to my neighbours, who he was cheating on me at the time). meh.
on the 30/12, he picks up a brick and throws it through the back door, and stomps up to me and does x, y and z.


for the next 8 months, he would get drunk, come round and smash my door open, break the windows/ doors etc, and come up stairs and find me. :/

meh. the neighbour he got with, and moved in with, he did the same thing to her.. (i tried to warn her, she told him, so he came for me).


gotta love first relationships and young love. :/ ugh.

Lying in my plastic bed, Thinking how things weren't so cool to me.
My baby likes to shoot pool,
I Like lying naked in my bedroom.
Trying on the dinosaur tonight,
It used to be so cool too.

Now I've got the needle,
And I can shake,
But I can't breath.
I take it away, but I want more and more.
One day I'm gonna lose the war.

I found myself humming that too myself on the way to the mdone clinic this morning. I have now made that drive 210 days in a row. The reward for my persistence is 140mg of cherry tasting defeat which I gulp down greedily every time. It suppresses the voice inside my soul that tells me there is nothing on this planet for me except heroin. Suppress not eliminate, and the last few days that voice has been screaming in my ear incessantly. I need to get high. I have been trying to drown it with methadone, benzos and weed for 210 days.

I fantasize about strong rushes and warm deep nods. The perfect shot, just the right shade of golden brown inside the barrel. A flash of deep red blood lets me know that everything is about to be ok. Then I come back to reality. I never can get high in my dreams. The ultimate cock tease, at least I cum when I dream about sex. Next to this sex seems so unrefined. After all I take my pleasure strait to the central nervous system thank you.

But,
- I've managed to taper down to 15mls of methadone (with pharmacist, not seeing doc till jan),
- I am also off the insane amount of conflicting medication.. (SNRIs, betablockers, antibiotics, steroids for chest infections, benzos, etc).

Last night I smoked some THC, and had 2 pregabs, and guess what?
-My chronic pain in legs is fucking gone! (Genetic muscular problem. My dad loves thc for the same reason!)
- I can walk without pain! Yay!! :D
- Physical stress symptoms from the ANS have calmed down, I feel in control! The immense stress, weird horrible intrusive ptsd flashbacks + my inability to deal with it, have goneeeee. :D
-I'm not drug fiending for it, or anything else. I'm till clean from h + c.

Only down side is: I feel a bit wobbly (from just 2!) pregabs- wtf haha?!- but i don't care- there's no more physical or mental stress, NO impending doom feeling when I woke up! Holy shit!! :O :D
(Now I've tapered down to 2mg of benzos, I might casually mention the benefits of restarting my pregab script . I really think they'll help me get out the last 2mg of diazepam)

-Time to research pregabs to hell (and hopefully to get over my phobia of getting bells palsy from it again. )
-Try and get strong enough/ make mine up about reporting domestic abusive shit to the police. (Scared of him hurting my family, coming after me again). Meh- what do I do?
I want him to NEVER hurt another person (he literally would try and fight ANY man in the street, just for looking at him the wrong way. ) (With women, he puts on this fake charm, gets them to trust him, then ruins everything they have- money, ability to speak to friends and family, any possessions (he broke my guitar, phone, guitar). He isolates women, the does whatever he wants to them (such as taking out his anger on them). He makes death threats on family for speaking/ trying to get out. ugh.. (probs why I can't trust and struggle to speak).

Meh, the police want me to do a video statement, for court. It won't go in the news, will it? :/ I'm scared he will come for my family.

-Really, really need to get over stupid fear/ hatred of shopping in town, so I get presents. Wish I just ordered them all online, doh.

Just thougt I'd post a fuckin blog for the wintertime season.....4 17 A.M. here...fuck I should go to sleep...been drinkin and smokin bud tonight listening to music....typing this on my phone so have to keep editing...lol. Anyway, peace to al you crazy fuckin Bluelighters and to all a good niiight

every ounce of flailing tendencies scattered like so many duffle bags of memories. it's enough to make a person buy a house for all these faceless non-tangibles. stuff them in a sack for bounty. blunt force guided with inaccuracies while maintaining the natural cadence of the yesterday. too bitter for the morning. too much in on the outs, i say.
savor the rest on the morrow.
try a hand at the back burner's delight, it's not going anywhere.

ha, we all know better than that