As I progress through my life and addictions, I learn piece by piece why I do what I do and what I need to do to change my future. Recently I've been contemplating why I have such a pull toward intoxication in general - never mind the specific addictions which I struggle with right now.
Since 14, I've felt an insatiable urge to experiment with substances to change my perception of the world. In and of itself there's nothing wrong with that - however, it's an easily corruptible impulse.
As a child, I had a bad habit of not finishing what I started. If I was assigned 10 math problems to complete for the next day, I'd do 9, knowing I'd either not get pulled up on it by the teacher or if I did I could just claim I didn't know how to solve the question. This continued into adolescence when I learnt the art of doing "just enough" to appease the authority figures in my life - whether teachers, or my own parents. I thought I was pretty clever, and perhaps in a way I am. However, in reality, this is a destructive and self-defeating habit.
A kind of immature apathy persists in me to this day. I rarely finish what I start. Naturally I finish things I tend to enjoy - a good book, video game, or movie. But the necessities in life - those things which make one an adult - those things that no one wants to do but has to as a responsible grownup - I still approach with a childlike defiance.
Perhaps this is why I am addicted to intoxication. Substances fill the gap left by that final math problem I don't solve; the adult responsibilities I don't take care of which are unpleasant but ultimately result in real world accomplishment and satisfaction. It may also be the reason I relapse and quit in such a frequent cycle. I tell myself it's time to grow up and learn to appreciate being an adult and all that it entails - and that I need to quit drugs to do so - yet inevitably I shortly find myself relapsing into the same-old immature aversion and rigid unwillingness to finish what I start.
To fix it, I need to start following through on small everyday things. It's easy to get swamped thinking about ones big goals in life. On my path to maturity, I need to put in the work to get my emotional state up to speed with my cognitive one, because simply being clever is not conducive to a happy life. With humility and experience I learn this little by little more and more everyday.
Since 14, I've felt an insatiable urge to experiment with substances to change my perception of the world. In and of itself there's nothing wrong with that - however, it's an easily corruptible impulse.
As a child, I had a bad habit of not finishing what I started. If I was assigned 10 math problems to complete for the next day, I'd do 9, knowing I'd either not get pulled up on it by the teacher or if I did I could just claim I didn't know how to solve the question. This continued into adolescence when I learnt the art of doing "just enough" to appease the authority figures in my life - whether teachers, or my own parents. I thought I was pretty clever, and perhaps in a way I am. However, in reality, this is a destructive and self-defeating habit.
A kind of immature apathy persists in me to this day. I rarely finish what I start. Naturally I finish things I tend to enjoy - a good book, video game, or movie. But the necessities in life - those things which make one an adult - those things that no one wants to do but has to as a responsible grownup - I still approach with a childlike defiance.
Perhaps this is why I am addicted to intoxication. Substances fill the gap left by that final math problem I don't solve; the adult responsibilities I don't take care of which are unpleasant but ultimately result in real world accomplishment and satisfaction. It may also be the reason I relapse and quit in such a frequent cycle. I tell myself it's time to grow up and learn to appreciate being an adult and all that it entails - and that I need to quit drugs to do so - yet inevitably I shortly find myself relapsing into the same-old immature aversion and rigid unwillingness to finish what I start.
To fix it, I need to start following through on small everyday things. It's easy to get swamped thinking about ones big goals in life. On my path to maturity, I need to put in the work to get my emotional state up to speed with my cognitive one, because simply being clever is not conducive to a happy life. With humility and experience I learn this little by little more and more everyday.
