my lesbian sister which my mother does not accept.

it kills me to see this.

has anyone had something similar in their family or maybe something similar happen to them? my MOTHER does not accept my SISTER for who she is? I would have NEVER GUESSED THIS but I am now seeing it happen and my SISTER IS DESTROYED BY IT nd will not fully come out to the family but has told me and has told me how she is hurt.

my mother things its disgusting that my mother is not accepting for her for who she likes and what she does. my sister is a lesbian, yes, thats right. shes is a college graduated who works in the courthouse and is going to be getting her masters soon enough; her girlfriend is a middle school teacher who currently has her masters degree. they are both relatively young, around 24. they both are doing quite well considering age and their schooling. however, my mother will NOT accept who is sister is and what my sister likes.

they were VERY GOOD FRIENDS/MOTHER/SISTER growing up but they have broken apart over the years. you always hear my mother questioning my sister and her each and every move. she tells her friends (mother tells her friends) that her daughter has yet to find her husband, or boyfriend yet. then goes on to tell us how she is embarrassed to have to tel her friends this kind of stuff. how she doesnt know how to speak to others because it is NOT RIGHT that her daughter is a lesbian. luckily, her daughter only smokes weed and does NOT DO HARD DRUGS but I try to tell my mother this is what may push her to hard drugs, or do bad choices in life. I pray for my sister and stand by her side daily; I fight w/ my mother over my sister and her choices; there is NOTHING WRONG w/ THESE CHOICES! my fathers brother was gay and died of AIDS in the 90's and he is completely fine/open about it all but yet my mother is the complete opposite and it kills me to see her speak/think this way.

w/ her thoughts being this way it is somewhat of an embarrassment to call her my mother. whats funny is my mother does not have a problem w/ gays/lesbians in general but the fact my sister is bothers her to the extreme; it hurts me to see her hurt my sister the way she does. she does NOT accept my sisters girlfriend. she is NOT RUDE to her girlfriend but shes not love/respect for the girl. when I tell my mother she has to change, she comes back w/ "why do people not change for me!?". I want to slap her off the side of the head and say "are you fucking serious?".

I seriously DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO and I write her hoping someone can help me out. its bad enough I suffered from addiction the way I have but I am 33 and have learned to accept the wrong and accept the things people have thought of me throughout the course of my life; however, my sister is still VERY YOUNG and growing up and I do NOT want her to be ashed/feel ashed of the decisions she is making, esp. considering these are NOT THE WRONG DECISIONS!

can anyone help me here? guide me to a path to better help my sister. we are both considering NOT GOING TO THANKSGIVING which my mother usually hosts. I am fine w/ NOT GOING since it is my mother who is doing this to my younger sister.

help is appreciated.

 

sorry this response is too late for thanksgiving dinner, but here it is anyway.

it feels like you're taking this in a very binary, black-and-white sort of way.

it's true that the eventual outcome will be defined in terms of black-and-white, but maybe right now your mother is dealing with all the gray shit that has to be sorted out before she can accept it.

maybe she was hoping to see a grandkid from your sister and feels like there's no chance of that now. maybe she was hoping for an average type of nuclear family existence to happen. maybe the fastest way to a real answer would be to just ask her point-blank what she's worried about. i don't know.

the only thing i know for sure is you have nothing to lose by trying to tackle this with positivity. believe that the acceptance will come, and that it's just a matter of figuring out some puzzle that's gotta be solved to get from here to there.

telling your mom she has to change is probably not helping. if she loves your sister like a mother should then she probably already knows she has to adapt and is just in denial right now. just try to imagine if your thinking were all fucked-up cuz of something major in your life, and if people were treating you like the bad guy because you've been taking a while to process it all. there's a chance your mom is hurting as much as your sister is about this whole thing.

either way i don't envy you for having to mediate between two women, but if you're truly invested in this then you will try regardless of what anyone says. don't take this as advice but more something i picked up somewhere: look for the path that doesn't involve picking sides or even making it seem like you might possibly even be thinking of picking sides. just hit em both with all the love and compassion ya got and hope it works.

 

my mother has been asked before but is still not accepting.

she was fully aware but always thought differently. yes, maybe she was ONE DAY wanting to become a grandmother and she surly enough WILL ONE DAY become a grandmother but it will be because of myself, so let it be.

I want to be positive but if you saw/heard the negativity coming from my mothers mouth you'd be disgusted that someone could speak to their daughter that way; esp. a daughter who is just "coming out" after years of holding back; although we all KINDA knew it but she was always scared of her mothers thoughts and she was surly right.

I feel it is NOT something I should be involved w/ but I've been there myself considering I was an addict/am an addict and had to deal w/ family problems for many years; it just sucks that I have to see my sister go through something she cannot change; this is something she wants and the family supports her but my mother seems to think otherwise.

 

yea that seems tough. it sucks when someone is so attached to their notions about how they think things should be they can't see when it's just creating a slippery slope to a worse scenario. if the rest of the family is supportive then i bet she'll come around eventually. did you end up going to turkey dinner?

 

When the mother/daughter relationship becomes destructive or when the child becomes aware and realizes it is desctructive and has been destructive for years, sometimes it is better to cut off all contact with the destructive mother. Old people generally aren't capable of changing when it comes to something like this. There is a support group in the US called "Motherless Daughters" that I believe focuses on this kind of situation. There is a popular book called "Mommie Dearest" that talks about a similar relationship as your sister's.