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Sittin in a dunkin donuts parking lot on Route 20 right on the fringe of paterson, I nervously think "Man I gotta bad feeling." My man wants to get high. I rather get outta dodge. We go here all the time he says. Yea but when its light out. At night the boys be coming thru here like its their job.

I still remember that exact quote I said.

I boot him up. Put shit down in my purse, wherever, not put away at all.

About ready to make up my shot, lights come up behind me.

It cant fucking be.

Get outta the car. Hands on the dashboard.

Brick in my lap, 3 twentys of haze right next to it.

Youre goin to jail tonight you know that?
He looks at me and says im sorry. He knows i cant afford this. He knows i already got arrested twice this year, once on some serious jail time able offenses. He knows how it was supposed to go. that id only cop if he handed the money and held the shit so even if we got stopped, i wouldnt get in trouble. we had a plan and in two minutes that plan got fucked. in two minutes that plan was layin on the side of the road like a piece of red plastic from a busted out taillight. In two minutes im right there with him leaning on the back of the car. His look speaks more words than volumes stacked on top of each other. I know youre sorry. Dont you wish you woulda listened to me? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. the chant beats in my head over and over. if i just woulda did wat i knew was the right thing. But i slipped and now its over and now im fucked and I dont know I dont know I dont know...........

Back of the car, cuffs on, i manage to eat one of the bags that is still accidentally on me from trying to shove it down my pants in the less than a millisecond i had to try and put shit away. I wiggle out of the cuffs and dispose of the 2 bags i have in case they search at the precinct.

Sitting cuffed to a bench while i hear them grill my man for information.

Good, baby, i think, as I hear him feed them totally wrong information about blocks that aint even dope spots, telling them he cops there, that he just sees whosever out and picks up off them, no numbers. Good baby good.

Youre goin to jail if you wont go in the car with us tonight and help us make a buy.

I guess I have to go to jail then huh.

Oh babe I love you so much I knew you wouldnt snitch under pressure you didnt give them shit.

Unlock, release, a pile of sneering good ol boys behind a plexiglass buletproof wall in the front lobby, slurring the numbers while giving me the number for a taxi so that I cant understand the meaning of them, and then laughing at me. Na-sevvatwee, twee fo wuh sebbana tweefore.

A fuckin white guy who spoke perfect english before. I know damn well he can say those letters. actin liek he got a stutter or some shit. All his boys behind him laughing in on the joke. Tell the lil junkie bitch who just got out of lockup the number but make her sweat for it. laugh at her frustration. 973 341 7934. A cab will be there in ten minutes.

Thank god they left me with my lighter and cigarettes.

The taxi shows up and takes me and him back to the spot the car got left at.

We turn left and right and get on the chirp. go buy 3 more bundles and get higher than we ever been. Hello march, month of court dates. I am afraid of wats comin.

Work in few hours. Need to ready things for Easter sale. Got new type of respect for Manager.

Hungry. Had some pasta and meatballs. Made doctors appointment for Tuesday. Thinking cut off of Suboxone too soon. Doubt doctor will do anything. Need to find doctor that has no qualms with prescribing narcotics. Not seeking drugs. Just desire some sort of maintenance program for opiates and something for anxiety and sleep. Only matter of time before pick up dope habit again. Been thinking lately as to why I use. Reason is self medication. Lots wrong with me. Pain. Insomnia. Anxiety. Bipolar. Chronic fatigue. Over active thyroid. Opiates do trick to alleviating symptoms. Funny though, never was about getting high for hell of it. Always was a reason. Just like everything, always a reason.

Going back to sleep in a bit before getting ready for work later. Glad to be working Easter. Don't have to deal with family all day. Grandmother passed away few weeks ago, only reason I went to family events. Really no reason now to celebrate holidays.

Also skin on legs hurts. Went tanning. Used hair removal cream. Left on to long. Girlfriend thought funny.

Thinking about what I did yesterday. Was selfish. Was in bad mindset. Not sure what to make of it all though... Gauged height wrong or got lucky. Hobbled away with severe bruising, bleeding, and dislocated bones. Feel like hit by car. Still hurting like cunt. If still Guido, would go on about being Immortal Emperor. Not though. Need some sleep. Need some Tylenol. Need to change bandages on legs.

Feeling better as night goes on. Not sure why. Becoming happier deeper the night goes.

No need to worry Bluelight. Will be sticking around for while.

Yesterday left work early without telling boss at 9:00am. Was beautiful day. Blue skies. Full sun.
Drove to the cliffs few miles from house. At least 100ft give or take a few high. Stared in awe at beauty around me. Wrote letter. Left in car. Stood at edge of cliff wind in hair. Did not take Suboxone that day. Shot 2 bags of dope on the edge of forever. Perfect feeling. Perfect rush.

Leave rest up to reader...

Ended up in hospital with dislocated feet, knees, and thighs...

No matter what. Can never succeed...

Happy I was able to pick up phone and talk to girlfriend when she called that evening.... Did not give shit about parents.

Not sure what to say or think about situation.

I'm starting to feel as if I'm finding my way in life.

I'm really not sure what sparked this growth, but I'm content with the smoothness of everything lately. I've started to get back in meditation, awareness, and Alan Watts. Perhaps it is that?

I'm also starting to see the picture clearer with regards to my "future." Grad school begins in August, and I hope to graduate in 2 semesters, then be done with my formal education. After that, I look forward to leaving the United States (forever?).

I haven't used any psychotropic substances for almost a year, but have just come into possession of a cactus that looks rather inviting. I'll probably plant one and sacrifice the other... Who knows what mysteries will be revealed then.

This summer looks like it will be spent in Baltimore, living with 2 close friends in a space that I've already deemed "The Aware-ium" (a portmanteau of awareness and aquarium ). This space will be modeled after the Leary/Alpert mansion in NY... Another opportunity for impermanent spiritual and intellectual growth!

So yes, before I jinx things, I'll return to my chamomile tea, drone zone beats, and general contentedness.

Hope you're feeling the same %)

I'm down in Durban at the moment, on a bit of a sabbatical- get my head out of the grind up country.

Took a drive past my old haunts, not thru the town, its not a safe place. I drove down to the beach and took a walk along the boulevard. Fithybeachfront now, here and therebits of the old town stood out, shapes of places that have changed to many times, like eyes popping out at me from the walls, winking here and there before closing and dissapearing back into the faded paint. Do you remember here?

On occasion there would be a slice of a memory or two, sometimes just an old feeling stirring around below, sometimes nothing at all.

I miss what it was, it has changed so much now. Visited a friend too and we talked about the old days as if they weren't only 4 years ago.

Even here I'm restless, im not done, there is still so much more I can do and wan't to do, but is it too late now? I don't know, all I know there is an itch under my skin and seeing the old town has just put that fire back, or at least lit the spark, almost every time I have been here, flown in from the airport, got a sodding toyota yaris that smells like pee, i have played to a crowd, sometimes small sometimes big.

I realised today that most of what I missed, most of the memories of the old town were not of 18 years ago, they were of last year, 2007, 2006, 2005, not so long ago. The fire still leaps from the corner of the streets, small sparks waiting to catch.

I'm glad I came back, more than anything it has reminded me of what I want.

My landlord wants to sell the place I'm living in. That's cool but he wants me to move all my boxes out that contain EVERYTHING I own so he can show the place.

Ummmmm, I don't get it. Show the place after I move out. Its kinda like he's saying "You can live there but you can't have any of your stuff there while you do."

My stuff does need to go into storage eventually but what the fuck? There is plenty of room here for my boxes so thats where it will stay. Why pay for a storage place when I don't have to.

I gotta start lookin' for a new place FAST.

Yesterday left work early without telling boss at 9:00am. Was beautiful day. Blue skies. Full sun.
Drove to the cliffs few miles from house. At least 100ft give or take a few high. Stared in awe at beauty around me. Wrote letter. Left in car. Stood at edge of cliff wind in hair. Did not take Suboxone that day. Shot 2 bags of dope on the edge of forever. Perfect feeling. Perfect rush.

Leave rest up to reader...

Ended up in hospital with dislocated feet, knees, and thighs...

No matter what. Can never succeed...

Happy I was able to pick up phone and talk to girlfriend when she called that evening.... Did not give shit about parents.

Not sure what to say or think about situation.

Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....

................

Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.


"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."

Working really does get me out of funks I get into when unemployed. it's crazy really, I've only been working for 3 days but still this is the best day I've had in months. hahaha this is great, I'm probably the happiest I've been in 90 days or more

and PAYDAY is tomorrow! finally no more borrowing money from people to get my car gassed or to buy dr00gz or anything! I can buy my own gas and my own dr00gz! woooohoooo!

I recently read through Guido/Rorschach's blog and I see that he is very happy as far as him and Anne go. that makes me glad, I like Guido but I wish he would cut out the Rorschach speak honestly, thats kind of annoying. I like his personality not a comic book character's.

Check it out

Ive been working pretty hard on improving my life since quitting meth. Its over 6 months now. Im doing pretty good, but still fall into stupid thinking patterns and start reliving things that have happened in the past.

I dont know why I let people I dont talk to anymore get into my brain. I dont know what upset me more today- seeing Mel banned or ?for some reason? My message to her removed.

Thats all just silly. Why would I even have concern that someone I know got a lot out of this place was banned anyway? Is it a big deal to her? Why would it be to me ?

Why am I thinking about this, its easter and Ben is here and we are enjoying the time we have together.

Oh well. She will probably be one of those people who Ill always wonder about, whats going on with them, if they are happy. Was bound to happen one day.

I wonder about too many people when I should just forget them and live for the now.

the wind outside is cold and when it picks up speed, howling through the trees and blowing the leaves and the dirt from the unpaved road around, branches on the oaks and the maples and spruces native to the area wagging up and down, side to side gently, violently, moods and attitudes and opinions of the earth changing and shifting around constantly, it's easy to imagine that nothing exists outside of where i am, right now, at this moment.
i consider what it would be like to be the last surviving human in an entire planet covered in a forest inhabited by animals who can't talk back to me, argue with me, insult me, judge me, hire me, fire me. write me letters of recommendation. deny my loan request. an entire world of creatures who either fear me or don't fear me, want to eat me or don't want to eat me and who definitely don't have some silly desire to be my friend.

the sun has been setting now for what could be an eternity but is probably only a moment or two. glowing lines of sharp light cutting through the empty spaces where branches and trees don't overlap each other, letting in some view of the skyline, a reminder that there is life outside of where i am and watching the sun set i'm glad for the impending darkness attempting to smother me with some sense of calm.

podia, i say out loud into the air blowing in my face, drying out my eyes, looking up towards the trees rumbling where they stand, trying to uproot themselves and then, ser melhor. podia ser mais mau the trees cackle back, laughing, holding their fat bellies and pitying me for reasons i think i'll never understand. i climb into my car and fire up the ignition. continue traveling on down the road.

There's so many things that make me just want to give up on "friends." Am I really so forgettable? Why do I even keep bothering?

My 40 days are almost up and to be honest, it pretty much flew by. Though I'd attribute that to being extremely busy more than I would to it being easy. I mean, on one hand, it was as easy as you'd expect not smoking weed for 40 days to be. But I won't lie, there were days when it was really, really hard not to scrap the whole thing and get super stoned. The days when other of life's challenges got the best of me and I missed my old buddy weed terribly. But I committed to this endeavor and I intended to see it through.

Having done so (almost), I've concluded that weed is a positive presence in my life. Nothing so quickly and easily takes the edge off from a rough day at work or a difficult situation. I'm sure D missed me having it for just that reason; stress can make me very irritable! Also, I was no more motivated than I am when I'm smoking daily and in fact, when it came to things like cleaning and doing homework and writing papers (which I'm doing way too much of lately), I was far less inspired. And I did find I was drinking more to compensate. Not on a daily basis, but at parties or when hanging out friends and I far prefer weed to alcohol in just about every way. So, bottom line, I'll be glad to have it back.

There is a Good Friday celebration planned, complete with my new favorite z pizza, an ice cream cake, and the reemergence, from the depths of the closet, of my beautiful bong.

Yes I do. I enjoy this emotion. It is the only one I've felt since going back on my meds

Tramadol makes me one happy mother fucker, but I'm already taking too much. Over a gram in 24 hours. I've never had a seizure before when I took that much all at one time. BUt the mood stabilizer I'm on is used also to teat epilepsy. So I'm far less worries about it. I'm not having any jerks or anything like I did now and then before.

I'm just chasing that high. I just can't seem to get high enough! I've missed this drug so much and I can't get as fucked up as I want. I nod out, but the euphoria just isn't there as much as I want. I would love to have Sean here just to hold me close and touch me and maybe pet my hair (that feels so good). But I think he might be upset that I'm getting back into it. Like I've said he always wants what best for me and he doesn't like me abusing drugs and running the risk and pain of getting addicted.

He talked to me the other night. He wants me to do a cleansing on the old house that he is moving in. I think maybe I've have exposed him to too much paranormal information, true stories. So I'll have to say a few prayers and burn some sage for him. I guess it leaves a blank slate and is good for new beginnings and he needs that. And even if it just has a placebo effect on him that's great.

I get to see Sean tomorrow! He is having me come over to watch a movie with one of our favorite actors in it. We just couldn't wait until the weekend to see each other. We talk pretty much everyday. I call or we text. Its really great to feel so imp rant in some one's life. I appreciator him so much, and really with everything goin on, and how scared I was that Sean would leave over Michael it worked out for the best. I can see that I don't need or even want him in my life. People can only hurt me ifI don't let them. Hence getting Michael out of my life and adding a few people to my ignore list. If I react to it and then they get what they want. Its sad that they have to pick on someone who has mental disorders that she didn't ask for. Its not my fault but I have to try to get better.

Well I keep nodding out like every 2 minutes. I'm worried that I might fall asleep, but not yet. I've had quit a bit. But I'm still able to write this and make sense I think...lol

Although I am well aware that this person is suffering greatly (it is evident by his words and actions). I want him to suffer more.

I have done nothing to encroach on his tiny world and yet he attempts to belittle me. A complete stranger to me has gone so far to instigate me towards actions that would make his actions justifiable.

I ignored this stranger's attempts. Only this time.

I want this fucker to feel REAL pain. I want this fucker to lose what is important to him. I want this fucker to live so that he can feel pain every day. I don't want this fucker to sleep. Sleep would be a respite to his pain.

I want him to fail and hurt.

I did nothing, nor will I pursue the HORRIBLE thoughts I think.

He is hurting enough I suppose. It isn't up to me to decide whether it is an acceptable amount.

I am extreme, I know. Pain, pain, pain. There isn't enough that I can think of that would suffice.

Its not up to me but I wish I could be a fly on the wall when his pain is the greatest.

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

Work tomorrow. Really don't want to go. Not feeling good. Cold, tired, sick of it all. Feeling alone and disillusioned. Almost done with Suboxone detox. Down to half a pill twice a day. Will be looking for new doctor afterwards, need long term maintenance. Dose I was on two weeks ago perfect. Had a taste of normalacy and stability. Loved it. Won't let it slip through fingers.

I've been doing lots of figure drawing this month. My abstract / doodle work has sort of taken a back seat. I'm not totally sure how I feel about my figure drawings. The process is both frustrating and rewarding.

I get easily overwhelmed by the amount of 'detail' the world and the model reveal to me -- the contours, cross-contours, the shadows and lights, the texture or patterning on the skin, the 180º panorama of the model/backdrop/studio she's in. What I mean is, I sometimes have trouble deciding exactly what my line is rendering, let alone if my lines are 'matching up' with whats 'really there.'

It's hard to draw the details of hands , toes , knuckles from 12' away also. I suppose its a matter of scope. Above all I want to make an interesting drawing, but I am always aware of realist versus stylistic choices I'm making.