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I can't believe I finally getting around to a blog. Its not that I haven't had anything blog worthy or haven't thought about it, just been busy or something.
Lets see, lets start with Sean. Things are good. We have had a FEW rough times but we have really settled in and spend a lot of happy time together. For once in my life I was like wow, this is what a healthy relationship is like.
There was one run in with the ex, which he had to go off about loving his new gf of 1 month and hurt me. Sean said he was tired of him hurting me, that is all he has ever done and will do and he had to go. And believe it or not, the day that I thought that I couldn't let it go, that I couldn't make it through...I got over him. I don't really think of him very much at all. Other than hoping karma comes around and bites him in the ass REALLY hard.
Sean has been having a rough time. He is very frustrated with his OWI stuff. They are giving him the run around and it depresses him, which makes me unhappy so we are both unhappy and it sucks. But we recover.
Lately he scared the crap out of me. He put his car in the ditch pretty bad. He shouldn't have even been driving but not like he does what he is SUPPOSED to. He could have really been hurt. We had to wonder if the wrecker would even be able to get it out and a few feet over and it might have rolled. He had been drinking but he said that wasn't it...doubt he would say if it was. He said he was texting. He called me at 3am, said he was in the ditch and I was there in 20 min. He got in my car and he was crying which shocked me.
1. I think he was scared but 2. I think he realized that I would always be there for him no matter what it was.
Later he sent some e-mails when I took him home, told someone that "I might be the one" and sent me one that he "thinks he might love me". In his own time I guess. I mean the car thing was scary and the steering is all fucked up, body is pretty ok other than the bumper... but I think it might have been good for our relationship.
Later, he tricked me.
He told me that we had to drive to pick up a dog for his brother. Well we ended up at his friend's house who is a licenced massage therapist and Sean paid for a 45 min massage for me out of the blue! I was so shocked! He said something about I inspire him to do things like that because I'm always thinking about him...picking him up drunk, getting his car, making him brownies, picking up after him, bringing him food...whatever. IDK I don't really think about it. Its just the way I am. I just laughed and told him I guess he just picked a good one.
I did get to spend some time talking to his parents the other day. I was high on Tramadol though so I might have talked too much.
But at the end of it they said that basically they see me make Sean happy. They see the smile come across his face when he knows that my car just pulled in. They know I make him happy, they know I care about him, so basically that makes me family. Which is great to be accepted like that after only a lil over 3 months together. Although due to driving and distance issues I do stay there 2 or 3 days at a time. But they don't mind they say, which is good. Honestly, I think that we are better off together, supporting and helping each other than we are apart. But I've said that before.
I'm pretty smitten with him really. When we met just seems like so long ago for the both of us and I couldn't have asked for a better ending! We both just want to make each other happy and we do. Imagine that. Honestly, if he got out of his parents, and he had asked me to move in, I would. I mean thats how strongly I feel about it. But perhaps its a good thing with the situation the way it is so that we can't move too fast. He will be moving out to the farm where his brother lives (which he doesn't really LIVE there at the moment, he basically lives at HIS gf's lol) but we will have to see how that goes. Sean is very careful with his words. That he even hinted at the L-word is pretty huge, but I'm just dying to hear it.
Work- Well I finally got the Health and Beauty Care Department all cleaned up and organized so that I can finally actually "work". It should make things easier for me in the long run, although its a total pain in the ass. Thank god for Tramadol because it made me happy at work or god forbid the monster they might have seen me turn into.
Disaster, if I'm not running it. Now I can start running inventory numbers and clear the 7 pages of that shit up and then its just business as usual. Stock, organize and clean. I'm sure our numbers in sales will go up after that. I don't know why I work so hard. I guess I see it as MY department and MY responsibility, so I treat it as such, but I'm not the manager of the department. There isn't one. BUT I SHOULD BE. When talking to a higher up friend, he said that they just don't have the money to do something like that right now. Well I better be first on their list because I'm busting my butt. But Idk never really been a slacker when it came to working there...
School- Well I never want to go. I don't see the point. Class I- She wants us to read the chapter, then watch a group present on the chapter (WHAT the HELL is point if I read it?! Which I didn't anyway because its stupid!) and then gives us freaking busy work. Are you kidding me. Today or tomorrow I have to write some bullshit paper about, "My experience with conflict". Jesus. Half the time I'm not even showing up or turning shit in, what is the point? Perhaps its just all too easy and I'm bored.
Or so I think until class II last night. Shit. I didn't study enough for that test on indexes and scales and nominal and ordinal and ratio and Thurston scale and blah blah blah terms shit. Methods of social research. I bet I got a freaking B on that exam! If not a C! Are you kidding me?! I get straight As on his exams.
Now of course I never read the text, no one really does. He says everything that he wants us to know will be in the lecture. Well, shit, that means that I ACTUALLY have to GO to THAT class. Now we are getting into the statistics and shit. Are you kidding me? Mean, mode, median? Can we say...math learning disability? I can't even multiply. I'm freakin out a bit. Oh well. Whats an a over a B anyway in the LONG run. School is really LAST on my list.
Lets see...
My list:
Sean
Drugs
Work
School
Home
What haven't I covered? Oh the drugs. I'm out. Again. FUCK. How the hell did I go through a month's supply scripted Fioricet AND Tramadol in a few weeks?? Perhaps in the 800mg Tramadol tolerance? Jesus. I love that stuff though. I don't even care if I don't get the eyes rolling back in my head euphoria that I used to, it makes me happy. I want to be on it ALL the time. I'm happy, I'm talkative, I'm productive. Why the fuck not? I'm awake too. Never tired. This is where I envy the meth users, not wanna sleep, eh just take more. Can't totally do that with mass amount of Tram.
SO now what? I thought about stealing something, but shit I don't even know anyone that has painkillers so I'm even fucked there.
So that leaves about Poppy Pod Tea.
But I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. Last time I tried that shit I ended up with a batch that did NOTHING. Seriously gave it 3 tries of that shit and nothing!!
Plus the high is different. No stim. effect and I'm not sure I'm going to like that. And of course NO adderal or shit around here because I can't GET ANYTHING!! God I hate this place.
I just don't want to have to be hemmoraging money. Plus there is the fact that I have to hide the prep and high no matter where I am because of living with the parents and shit. It just sucks.
I'm just not even sure what to do at this point really. I've ranted on other threads so enough ranting. Any advice on this matter would be great.
Oh I forgot to mention, Easter with Sean was horrible. He was a TOTAL asshole. I knew that he didn't like spending time sitting at the table eating, so I tried to make him more comfortable and he said I baby him and got all pissed. He kept texting me if we could leave my grandma's, when I want every second I can have with her, shes recovering from cancer and she is the greatest woman alive! Jeez. Even told me that the white thing over my dress was about the only thing that made it work but at least it was better than the green one which made me look like a lime. I never have heard such things!
I really just reverted back to what I did with Michael. Sit down, shut up, do what your told, do what makes them happy no matter what. I realized how miserable and horrible that is. I think he eventually saw that. He said he was really sorry, and he should have been. But like I said we always get over it.
But it was an eye opener as well. I mean this is what I used to put up with?! I felt like I wasn't a person, I didn't have feelings or rights...and with Michael I guess I really didn't. What kind of life is that? What the hell was I thinking ya know? Hopefully Sean and I will never have to do that again. He saw it from my view more and I think that really helped him....
I was just reminded of that Easter thing as I was chatting here online... ok where was I...
GO TO PART II
Lets see, lets start with Sean. Things are good. We have had a FEW rough times but we have really settled in and spend a lot of happy time together. For once in my life I was like wow, this is what a healthy relationship is like.
There was one run in with the ex, which he had to go off about loving his new gf of 1 month and hurt me. Sean said he was tired of him hurting me, that is all he has ever done and will do and he had to go. And believe it or not, the day that I thought that I couldn't let it go, that I couldn't make it through...I got over him. I don't really think of him very much at all. Other than hoping karma comes around and bites him in the ass REALLY hard.
Sean has been having a rough time. He is very frustrated with his OWI stuff. They are giving him the run around and it depresses him, which makes me unhappy so we are both unhappy and it sucks. But we recover.
Lately he scared the crap out of me. He put his car in the ditch pretty bad. He shouldn't have even been driving but not like he does what he is SUPPOSED to. He could have really been hurt. We had to wonder if the wrecker would even be able to get it out and a few feet over and it might have rolled. He had been drinking but he said that wasn't it...doubt he would say if it was. He said he was texting. He called me at 3am, said he was in the ditch and I was there in 20 min. He got in my car and he was crying which shocked me.
1. I think he was scared but 2. I think he realized that I would always be there for him no matter what it was.
Later he sent some e-mails when I took him home, told someone that "I might be the one" and sent me one that he "thinks he might love me". In his own time I guess. I mean the car thing was scary and the steering is all fucked up, body is pretty ok other than the bumper... but I think it might have been good for our relationship.
Later, he tricked me.
He told me that we had to drive to pick up a dog for his brother. Well we ended up at his friend's house who is a licenced massage therapist and Sean paid for a 45 min massage for me out of the blue! I was so shocked! He said something about I inspire him to do things like that because I'm always thinking about him...picking him up drunk, getting his car, making him brownies, picking up after him, bringing him food...whatever. IDK I don't really think about it. Its just the way I am. I just laughed and told him I guess he just picked a good one. I did get to spend some time talking to his parents the other day. I was high on Tramadol though so I might have talked too much.
But at the end of it they said that basically they see me make Sean happy. They see the smile come across his face when he knows that my car just pulled in. They know I make him happy, they know I care about him, so basically that makes me family. Which is great to be accepted like that after only a lil over 3 months together. Although due to driving and distance issues I do stay there 2 or 3 days at a time. But they don't mind they say, which is good. Honestly, I think that we are better off together, supporting and helping each other than we are apart. But I've said that before. I'm pretty smitten with him really. When we met just seems like so long ago for the both of us and I couldn't have asked for a better ending! We both just want to make each other happy and we do. Imagine that. Honestly, if he got out of his parents, and he had asked me to move in, I would. I mean thats how strongly I feel about it. But perhaps its a good thing with the situation the way it is so that we can't move too fast. He will be moving out to the farm where his brother lives (which he doesn't really LIVE there at the moment, he basically lives at HIS gf's lol) but we will have to see how that goes. Sean is very careful with his words. That he even hinted at the L-word is pretty huge, but I'm just dying to hear it.
Work- Well I finally got the Health and Beauty Care Department all cleaned up and organized so that I can finally actually "work". It should make things easier for me in the long run, although its a total pain in the ass. Thank god for Tramadol because it made me happy at work or god forbid the monster they might have seen me turn into.
Disaster, if I'm not running it. Now I can start running inventory numbers and clear the 7 pages of that shit up and then its just business as usual. Stock, organize and clean. I'm sure our numbers in sales will go up after that. I don't know why I work so hard. I guess I see it as MY department and MY responsibility, so I treat it as such, but I'm not the manager of the department. There isn't one. BUT I SHOULD BE. When talking to a higher up friend, he said that they just don't have the money to do something like that right now. Well I better be first on their list because I'm busting my butt. But Idk never really been a slacker when it came to working there...
School- Well I never want to go. I don't see the point. Class I- She wants us to read the chapter, then watch a group present on the chapter (WHAT the HELL is point if I read it?! Which I didn't anyway because its stupid!) and then gives us freaking busy work. Are you kidding me. Today or tomorrow I have to write some bullshit paper about, "My experience with conflict". Jesus. Half the time I'm not even showing up or turning shit in, what is the point? Perhaps its just all too easy and I'm bored.
Or so I think until class II last night. Shit. I didn't study enough for that test on indexes and scales and nominal and ordinal and ratio and Thurston scale and blah blah blah terms shit. Methods of social research. I bet I got a freaking B on that exam! If not a C! Are you kidding me?! I get straight As on his exams.
Now of course I never read the text, no one really does. He says everything that he wants us to know will be in the lecture. Well, shit, that means that I ACTUALLY have to GO to THAT class. Now we are getting into the statistics and shit. Are you kidding me? Mean, mode, median? Can we say...math learning disability? I can't even multiply. I'm freakin out a bit. Oh well. Whats an a over a B anyway in the LONG run. School is really LAST on my list.
Lets see...
My list:
Sean
Drugs
Work
School
Home
What haven't I covered? Oh the drugs. I'm out. Again. FUCK. How the hell did I go through a month's supply scripted Fioricet AND Tramadol in a few weeks?? Perhaps in the 800mg Tramadol tolerance? Jesus. I love that stuff though. I don't even care if I don't get the eyes rolling back in my head euphoria that I used to, it makes me happy. I want to be on it ALL the time. I'm happy, I'm talkative, I'm productive. Why the fuck not? I'm awake too. Never tired. This is where I envy the meth users, not wanna sleep, eh just take more. Can't totally do that with mass amount of Tram.
SO now what? I thought about stealing something, but shit I don't even know anyone that has painkillers so I'm even fucked there.
So that leaves about Poppy Pod Tea.
But I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. Last time I tried that shit I ended up with a batch that did NOTHING. Seriously gave it 3 tries of that shit and nothing!!
Plus the high is different. No stim. effect and I'm not sure I'm going to like that. And of course NO adderal or shit around here because I can't GET ANYTHING!! God I hate this place.
I just don't want to have to be hemmoraging money. Plus there is the fact that I have to hide the prep and high no matter where I am because of living with the parents and shit. It just sucks.
I'm just not even sure what to do at this point really. I've ranted on other threads so enough ranting. Any advice on this matter would be great.
Oh I forgot to mention, Easter with Sean was horrible. He was a TOTAL asshole. I knew that he didn't like spending time sitting at the table eating, so I tried to make him more comfortable and he said I baby him and got all pissed. He kept texting me if we could leave my grandma's, when I want every second I can have with her, shes recovering from cancer and she is the greatest woman alive! Jeez. Even told me that the white thing over my dress was about the only thing that made it work but at least it was better than the green one which made me look like a lime. I never have heard such things!
I really just reverted back to what I did with Michael. Sit down, shut up, do what your told, do what makes them happy no matter what. I realized how miserable and horrible that is. I think he eventually saw that. He said he was really sorry, and he should have been. But like I said we always get over it.
But it was an eye opener as well. I mean this is what I used to put up with?! I felt like I wasn't a person, I didn't have feelings or rights...and with Michael I guess I really didn't. What kind of life is that? What the hell was I thinking ya know? Hopefully Sean and I will never have to do that again. He saw it from my view more and I think that really helped him....
I was just reminded of that Easter thing as I was chatting here online... ok where was I...
GO TO PART II
i am fairly amazed with how much food one can get if they pay attention to prices instead of buying stuff randomly. and because i was planning out meals for the week, i actually have fresh fruit and veggies and food to eat for lunch. so i stuck to my budget, and will be eating far healthier than normal
Today mediocre at best. Rained and consequently the atmosphere outside battleship gray and thus myself was feeling battleship gray. Plus side is that cutting cycle is over. Out of shape a few months ago and have been on strict regime of supplements and vitamins. BMI is now at 10%. According to statistics, under weight but now have perfect foundation for bulking cycle and one more cutting cycle. Add in fact I stopped with the heavy drinking and partying , and over active metabolism, will be looking and feeling very healthy come summer.
Just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of house so I grabbed cigarettes, music, and fired up Conjure One. Also fired up shot of morphine. Needed something for emotional pain. Was raining and I got soaked but did not matter. Did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately been feeling weird. High and low. Days where I get this euphoria, feeling of divinity, as if I am drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to spend it in bed, encased in armor of black and golden thread to keep self safe from harm. Gets rather confusing sometimes and causes great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, can swing back from it in a snap now. When with girlfreind for instance, veil of depression runs off my shoulders instant I see her, or when I start laughing with freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness. Sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to self and I feel better. Although when it comes to girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into aether, something still in awe over. Have also been reading book girlfreind gave me. Taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things. Also taught me to drown out machinery in my head without the aid of chemical. Meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with also helping. Sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Unfortunately every rose has thorn and my petals wither time to time.
Tomorrow shall be good day. Will be chilling with the love of my life, one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. Excited. Saw her yesterday but I miss her already.
Just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of house so I grabbed cigarettes, music, and fired up Conjure One. Also fired up shot of morphine. Needed something for emotional pain. Was raining and I got soaked but did not matter. Did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately been feeling weird. High and low. Days where I get this euphoria, feeling of divinity, as if I am drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to spend it in bed, encased in armor of black and golden thread to keep self safe from harm. Gets rather confusing sometimes and causes great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, can swing back from it in a snap now. When with girlfreind for instance, veil of depression runs off my shoulders instant I see her, or when I start laughing with freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness. Sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to self and I feel better. Although when it comes to girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into aether, something still in awe over. Have also been reading book girlfreind gave me. Taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things. Also taught me to drown out machinery in my head without the aid of chemical. Meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with also helping. Sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Unfortunately every rose has thorn and my petals wither time to time.
Tomorrow shall be good day. Will be chilling with the love of my life, one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. Excited. Saw her yesterday but I miss her already.
Yesterday got charged with DWI. Going to court Wednesday. Getting a good Jew lawyer. Hoping thing work out. Don't need this shit.
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
gaaaah
i fucking swear im going to explode
i dont get it
i just dont fucking get it
how can he
what about
what the hell
bullshit bullshit
you make no fucking sense!
you give a little you get a fucking little, you smile and get a smile fucking back, you fucking open the door and you get a thank fucking you.
anger it surges
IT SURGES
i fucking swear im going to explode
i dont get it
i just dont fucking get it
how can he
what about
what the hell
bullshit bullshit
you make no fucking sense!
you give a little you get a fucking little, you smile and get a smile fucking back, you fucking open the door and you get a thank fucking you.
anger it surges
IT SURGES
Today was good day. Slept nice last night after seeing girlfreind and had a good day at work. Afterwards I went home and walked into town just smoking and taking in the sights. Called up a friend and spiked up. Then headed over to Hannaford and walked with my girlfreind through town after she got off work.
Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.
Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.
Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.
Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.
Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.
Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.
Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.
Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.
Today was mediocre at best. It rained and consequently the atmosphere outside was battleship gray and thus I myself was feeling battleship gray. The plus side is that my cutting cycle is over. I was out of shape a few months ago and have been on a strict regime of supplements and vitamins. My BMI (body mass index/body fat percentage) is now at 10%. According to statistics, that's under weight but now I have a perfect foundation for a bulking cycle and finally one more cutting cycle. Add in the fact I stopped with the drinking and partying a lot, and my over active metabolism, I will be looking and feeling very healthy come this summer. But enough of this. I feel like talking of other things.
I just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of my house so I grabbed my cigarettes, my music, and fired up some Conjure One. It was raining and I got soaked but it really did not matter. I did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately I have been feeling weird. When I say weird I mean high and low. There are days where I get this euphoria, this feeling of divinity, as if I am on a drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to just spend it in bed, encased in an armor of black and golden thread to keep myself safe from harm. It gets rather confusing sometimes and causes me a great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, I can swing back from it in a snap now. When I am with my girlfreind for instance, that veil of depression just runs off my shoulders the instant I see her, or when I start laughing with my freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness, or sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to myself and I feel better. Although when it comes to my girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into the aether, something I'm still in awe over. I have also been reading this book my girlfreind gave me and its taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things and its also taught me to drown out the machinery in my head without the aid of a chemical. The meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with more often is also helping. I sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. The only thing holding me back in this stupid insomnia which I hope to get rid of this week after I visit my doctor tomorrow. If I was able to sleep good things would be amazing.
Later I am going to write about what I was thinking today... How the world and people in it are like beautiful ink blots. Like those Rorschach pictures, but ever changing and morphing.
Tomorrow shall be a good day. I will be chilling with the love of my life, the one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. I am excited. Even though I saw her yesterday I miss her lol.
Wow... I just got a text from her. All I will say is that she is cute, funny, and one hell of a smart ass... I love her. But to hell with her coffee!
I just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of my house so I grabbed my cigarettes, my music, and fired up some Conjure One. It was raining and I got soaked but it really did not matter. I did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately I have been feeling weird. When I say weird I mean high and low. There are days where I get this euphoria, this feeling of divinity, as if I am on a drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to just spend it in bed, encased in an armor of black and golden thread to keep myself safe from harm. It gets rather confusing sometimes and causes me a great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, I can swing back from it in a snap now. When I am with my girlfreind for instance, that veil of depression just runs off my shoulders the instant I see her, or when I start laughing with my freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness, or sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to myself and I feel better. Although when it comes to my girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into the aether, something I'm still in awe over. I have also been reading this book my girlfreind gave me and its taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things and its also taught me to drown out the machinery in my head without the aid of a chemical. The meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with more often is also helping. I sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. The only thing holding me back in this stupid insomnia which I hope to get rid of this week after I visit my doctor tomorrow. If I was able to sleep good things would be amazing.
Later I am going to write about what I was thinking today... How the world and people in it are like beautiful ink blots. Like those Rorschach pictures, but ever changing and morphing.
Tomorrow shall be a good day. I will be chilling with the love of my life, the one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. I am excited. Even though I saw her yesterday I miss her lol.
Wow... I just got a text from her. All I will say is that she is cute, funny, and one hell of a smart ass... I love her. But to hell with her coffee!
This is my first blog entry, I think its a very worthy one.
One of my friends from high school just got engaged. She is the first of my friends to do so. I get to be a bridesmaid! Yay!! I'm so excited for her :D
One of my friends from high school just got engaged. She is the first of my friends to do so. I get to be a bridesmaid! Yay!! I'm so excited for her :D
i've decided to take the challenge of eating for the next week on only $7 a day: http://www.uwkc.org/newsevents/events/haw/hungerchallenge.asp.
i am sure some people on here won't see this as a challenge, but for me it is. i am an insanely picky eater and very brand loyal. even tho this is only for a week, i am going to have to rethink how i eat. its also going to eliminate going out to eat when i am lazy.
i am hoping to come away from this with some appreciation of what people go thru. and maybe get away from some of my picky habits. and have some spare monies that i can put to good use.
i am sure some people on here won't see this as a challenge, but for me it is. i am an insanely picky eater and very brand loyal. even tho this is only for a week, i am going to have to rethink how i eat. its also going to eliminate going out to eat when i am lazy.
i am hoping to come away from this with some appreciation of what people go thru. and maybe get away from some of my picky habits. and have some spare monies that i can put to good use.
I've cried a headache in the middle of my forehead. I've cry my nose blocked and my throat sore too. It takes me a while sometimes to process these emotions, a good cry has been a long time coming. Its just so many things right now, x marks the spot but the the map is filled to each corner with x's.
The last year has been one of a lot of personal growth, and i suspect there is more to come. With growth comes realisation, and sometimes I just need to let the hurt run.
More than this I realise the few things that must seem so trivial to the outside, things that must be part of me, things I cannot help but determine my self worth by.
I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it, and its eating me up from the inside. I still have so much more to give. I just hope it's not too late.
The last year has been one of a lot of personal growth, and i suspect there is more to come. With growth comes realisation, and sometimes I just need to let the hurt run.
More than this I realise the few things that must seem so trivial to the outside, things that must be part of me, things I cannot help but determine my self worth by.
I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it, and its eating me up from the inside. I still have so much more to give. I just hope it's not too late.
the dialectal relationship between a relationship and a thing reconciles all being into a pluralist monism.
it all links together. by why my self other than all other consecutive linkages in the chain.
and then view of self/actual self (object of view) and god's eye view/the objective that we lack the vantage point to capture in reasoning.
this system must be infinite.
what religion is this''''';
it all links together. by why my self other than all other consecutive linkages in the chain.
and then view of self/actual self (object of view) and god's eye view/the objective that we lack the vantage point to capture in reasoning.
this system must be infinite.
what religion is this''''';
what if degree of abstraction is a dimension like any other dimension, but extending out qualitatively too?
And this is the empirical-theoretical dialectic.
level of abstraction is level of theoteticalness
when members of different levels of the abstraction dimension meet they mutually constitute yet oppose.
and then through time (when we add it), the opposition points to recociliation by moveing out in abstraction space.
THAT is the dialectic.
And this is the empirical-theoretical dialectic.
level of abstraction is level of theoteticalness
when members of different levels of the abstraction dimension meet they mutually constitute yet oppose.
and then through time (when we add it), the opposition points to recociliation by moveing out in abstraction space.
THAT is the dialectic.
Today was good day. Slept nice last night after seeing girlfreind and had a good day at work. Afterwards I went home and walked into town just smoking and taking in the sights. Called up a friend and spiked up. Then headed over to Hannaford and walked with my girlfreind through town after she got off work.
Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.
Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.
Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.
Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.
Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.
Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.
Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.
Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.
im waiting for people to come out of the wood work. i dont feel like my self.
there's too much happening that im not apart of and im closing in on what could be my best years.
i want to drive some where. some where distant with a purpose. maybe to nags head to see my fathers place, maybe some where to create a new memory. either way im in need of some liberation.
in need of that contagious laughter that billows through the mind and out the fingers then back again.
where are all the interesting people?
why do all the people in my close vicinity suck so hard?
am i one of these people?
do i suck?
god dammit....
if i do suck, why dont i think the people sucking around me are top notch?
am i the one doing the sucking?
do i bring in the suck-factor?
am i the suckee or the sucker?
is there even a difference?
fuck, im just going to get an island and live there half naked with my very own wilson, but i wont punt him out of a tiny hole in my cave...we'll be tighter than that. balls before brawls.
there's too much happening that im not apart of and im closing in on what could be my best years.
i want to drive some where. some where distant with a purpose. maybe to nags head to see my fathers place, maybe some where to create a new memory. either way im in need of some liberation.
in need of that contagious laughter that billows through the mind and out the fingers then back again.
where are all the interesting people?
why do all the people in my close vicinity suck so hard?
am i one of these people?
do i suck?
god dammit....
if i do suck, why dont i think the people sucking around me are top notch?
am i the one doing the sucking?
do i bring in the suck-factor?
am i the suckee or the sucker?
is there even a difference?
fuck, im just going to get an island and live there half naked with my very own wilson, but i wont punt him out of a tiny hole in my cave...we'll be tighter than that. balls before brawls.
I'm glad I have the painkillers to come down off the meth. I plan on being dry as far as that's concerned until my next scheduled vacation in May. I also don't plan on being around it, besides all these dumb ass responsibilites, mainly a ton of medical bills just came in the mail and I have no idea how in the fuck I'm going to pay them. I'm somehow going to have to tackle this and all the other bullshit problems that life demands, so in order to accomplish that, I have to lay off the meth. Besides, I don't want to get another big old habit again. I did start over today with the pills, officially detoxing myself down to 5 pills instead of 6. I'll see how I feel tonight, then decide whether or not the pill intake for detox today will be 4 or 5.
I feel a bit of the sadness coming off and on throughout the days and nights. When I was sober, I still had depression, although less frequent and less intense than when I'm on chems, or specifically tapering off opiates. The cyber sex with John completely reawakened my sexuality and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. In a way it's good because sex, even solo is a good way to reduce tension if you can do it. I've been going through so many emotions lately, the relapse, the fun, the bonding with my old friends, the sorrow at pulling away from my new ones. I still love them, but as for my sponsor and Cheryl, I really don't know what to tell them, so other than telling them I relapsed on Tramadol, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Eventually, my sponsor may get the whole truth out of me, but she loves me so much and will be heartbroken.
It's nobody's fault, really. It's not my old friend's fault, nor anyone else's. I happened to get hooked on Tramadol, that was a very clever, sneaky, snaky way my disease pulled me right back into active addiction, but after what I was going through and all the hell for 6 months trying to kick Tramadol, fuck it. Kicking is never easy, no matter which dope you're trying to get off of, but for me Tramadol has been the absolute worst. I still go to the Fri nite NA meetings because my committment as treasurer isn't up until the end of May and also, my NA friends or even mere acquaintainces really bailed my ass out a lot of times when I had no car and couldn't get to work on the weekends because the bus doesn't run that late to where I work. I felt kind of sad at the meeting last night because of my relapse and I'm sure people sense something is wrong. No one sees me anymore except at the Fri nite meeting.
I will continue to support it, plus somehow I feel that during my sickness is when I need it the most, even though my instinct is to run and hide. That behavior has gotten me into too much trouble in the past. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to handle people's questions when what would have been my 3rd year clean comes around in December. I do know that I cannot nor will not take a dirty NA cake and chip for 3 yrs clean. Cheryl and my sponsor, and Jeff too still love me and call me. The important thing for me right now is to wean myself off the painkillers so I no longer HAVE to take them. I do pray still every day. Sometimes I feel kind of sad and lost, yet at the same time I've learned from this relapse. I've accepted my body finally for the way it is and therefore more in harmony with myself. I got closer with others because I told them the truth about why I really didn't want people that hadn't seen me in years to see a current picture of me.
I told Aimee, Linda, Don, and Chris at the drug den the truth and because of that, I got some help and support because they reminded me I still have beauty, especially when I continue to do the clothes, make up and hair. I learned painful things talking to a former lover that would not have been revealed had I not gone on a relapse, sort of like maybe going to see a shrink and he gives you a little sedative hypnotic drug in order to help you relax and sink slowly into hypno therapy, find out what's wrong, and remove any emotional tumors found. That's what this has felt like. Now as far as the issues of feeling physically or emotionally "blocked" sober, right now I don't have an answer for that. That's why I wanted the shrooms, if they ever happen, but if Erik sends what we talked about, acid can work just as well.
John saw the ring on my finger and the tattoo above my breast. "When did you get that?," he asked. "2006," I said. "It's a cupid." "Was that your boyfriend's idea?," he asked. "No, it was mine, but I call him Kupid." John is married, lives in Ireland. I'd forgotten what real sex was all about since I haven't had any in 8 years, the last time I was with him. I have this strong sense of need for it now though, even if it's only cyber sex. I used to have a lot of cyber when I was horny. I didn't sleep around for it, but I guess you could have called me a cyber slut. It was safer and I didn't have to feel disappointed by a lousy one night stand sex, so this was better. I used to write all sorts of dirty smut when I was horny and high and that sort of happened again a couple days ago. Erik, I hope you understand. It's just cyber, it's just sex, you're forever in my heart, but I'm going nuts over here.
So what am I going to do about the drugs? The truth is while I don't want to be dependent on ANY of them, I'm not so sure anymore about giving them up forever. If not, then I guess that the schedule is the answer until I do.
I feel a bit of the sadness coming off and on throughout the days and nights. When I was sober, I still had depression, although less frequent and less intense than when I'm on chems, or specifically tapering off opiates. The cyber sex with John completely reawakened my sexuality and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. In a way it's good because sex, even solo is a good way to reduce tension if you can do it. I've been going through so many emotions lately, the relapse, the fun, the bonding with my old friends, the sorrow at pulling away from my new ones. I still love them, but as for my sponsor and Cheryl, I really don't know what to tell them, so other than telling them I relapsed on Tramadol, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Eventually, my sponsor may get the whole truth out of me, but she loves me so much and will be heartbroken.
It's nobody's fault, really. It's not my old friend's fault, nor anyone else's. I happened to get hooked on Tramadol, that was a very clever, sneaky, snaky way my disease pulled me right back into active addiction, but after what I was going through and all the hell for 6 months trying to kick Tramadol, fuck it. Kicking is never easy, no matter which dope you're trying to get off of, but for me Tramadol has been the absolute worst. I still go to the Fri nite NA meetings because my committment as treasurer isn't up until the end of May and also, my NA friends or even mere acquaintainces really bailed my ass out a lot of times when I had no car and couldn't get to work on the weekends because the bus doesn't run that late to where I work. I felt kind of sad at the meeting last night because of my relapse and I'm sure people sense something is wrong. No one sees me anymore except at the Fri nite meeting.
I will continue to support it, plus somehow I feel that during my sickness is when I need it the most, even though my instinct is to run and hide. That behavior has gotten me into too much trouble in the past. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to handle people's questions when what would have been my 3rd year clean comes around in December. I do know that I cannot nor will not take a dirty NA cake and chip for 3 yrs clean. Cheryl and my sponsor, and Jeff too still love me and call me. The important thing for me right now is to wean myself off the painkillers so I no longer HAVE to take them. I do pray still every day. Sometimes I feel kind of sad and lost, yet at the same time I've learned from this relapse. I've accepted my body finally for the way it is and therefore more in harmony with myself. I got closer with others because I told them the truth about why I really didn't want people that hadn't seen me in years to see a current picture of me.
I told Aimee, Linda, Don, and Chris at the drug den the truth and because of that, I got some help and support because they reminded me I still have beauty, especially when I continue to do the clothes, make up and hair. I learned painful things talking to a former lover that would not have been revealed had I not gone on a relapse, sort of like maybe going to see a shrink and he gives you a little sedative hypnotic drug in order to help you relax and sink slowly into hypno therapy, find out what's wrong, and remove any emotional tumors found. That's what this has felt like. Now as far as the issues of feeling physically or emotionally "blocked" sober, right now I don't have an answer for that. That's why I wanted the shrooms, if they ever happen, but if Erik sends what we talked about, acid can work just as well.
John saw the ring on my finger and the tattoo above my breast. "When did you get that?," he asked. "2006," I said. "It's a cupid." "Was that your boyfriend's idea?," he asked. "No, it was mine, but I call him Kupid." John is married, lives in Ireland. I'd forgotten what real sex was all about since I haven't had any in 8 years, the last time I was with him. I have this strong sense of need for it now though, even if it's only cyber sex. I used to have a lot of cyber when I was horny. I didn't sleep around for it, but I guess you could have called me a cyber slut. It was safer and I didn't have to feel disappointed by a lousy one night stand sex, so this was better. I used to write all sorts of dirty smut when I was horny and high and that sort of happened again a couple days ago. Erik, I hope you understand. It's just cyber, it's just sex, you're forever in my heart, but I'm going nuts over here.
So what am I going to do about the drugs? The truth is while I don't want to be dependent on ANY of them, I'm not so sure anymore about giving them up forever. If not, then I guess that the schedule is the answer until I do.
Hit up the figure drawing session today, and broke away from all pen for a couple drawings. I realized when I got home I shouldn't get so frustrated over any of the shorter (>10 minute) poses, and probably even the longer ones too. Its just not enough time to edit / measure / really match up the drawing to reality.
Of course, that's sort of the aim, but 5 minutes? Come on.
I had a couple really nice ones for the last two poses, I'll post pics in a few minutes. I tried to push the envelope live between observed / improvised, with some ok results. Still bouncing in between the two conceptual concerns.
Of course, that's sort of the aim, but 5 minutes? Come on.
I had a couple really nice ones for the last two poses, I'll post pics in a few minutes. I tried to push the envelope live between observed / improvised, with some ok results. Still bouncing in between the two conceptual concerns.
Woke up early today from bad dream. Same sort of dream as usual. End up losing important people. Was in a jail of sorts, caged and kept away from girl I love. Jail keeper comes up to cell and sets me free. Tells me I will never be able to see her again, that she is gone forever. Not sure if died or disappeared. Would not have it that way. Rage, anxiety, and sadness floods over me. Set out to find pieces puzzle. Have them all in hands. End up constructing some sort of box, emblems and unknown language covers it. Someone tells me if I use it I have chance of dying. Do not care. Prepare to use it to go back to point in time when she was still alive. Puzzle begins playing tune similar to music box. Recognize song as Orbital's One Perfect Sunrise. Bright flash. Not afraid of dying. Then I wake up drenched in sweat with this feeling nobody should have to feel.
Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.
Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.
Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...
Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.
Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.
Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...
And man, I love it. Here are the games I have so far:
New Super Mario Brothers
Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Final Fantasy III
Final Fantasy IV
Children of Mana
Right now I can't stop playing Zelda. You have to use your stylus for everything in the game basically, from movement to fighting. New Super Mario Brothers has been beaten, but there are some worlds that I skipped because it was my first time and I still don't know how to get to some of them. Final Fantasy IV is great. The other two I haven't started playing yet but this collection should keep me busy while I'm unemployed, not to mention all of these computer games.
I have wasted quite a few months playing games now, and while it's awesome it is simply not sustainable. I must begin making money soon, or get the grandparents to cut me another check for ten grand. Because right now I am a totally worthless bastard. I have a backup story for all the jobs I've been interviewing for lately, in the form of a business card (for a sales thing I really do actually did for a while), when they ask me wtf do I do during the day.
New Super Mario Brothers
Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Final Fantasy III
Final Fantasy IV
Children of Mana
Right now I can't stop playing Zelda. You have to use your stylus for everything in the game basically, from movement to fighting. New Super Mario Brothers has been beaten, but there are some worlds that I skipped because it was my first time and I still don't know how to get to some of them. Final Fantasy IV is great. The other two I haven't started playing yet but this collection should keep me busy while I'm unemployed, not to mention all of these computer games.
I have wasted quite a few months playing games now, and while it's awesome it is simply not sustainable. I must begin making money soon, or get the grandparents to cut me another check for ten grand. Because right now I am a totally worthless bastard. I have a backup story for all the jobs I've been interviewing for lately, in the form of a business card (for a sales thing I really do actually did for a while), when they ask me wtf do I do during the day.
4/17/2009
A lot has happened this week. I did get my dental surgery on Monday. That helped the worst of the pain, but I still can’t eat hard food on that tooth. After I went to work Tuesday, I stayed the night at Aimee’s, partied all night in the garage, had a fuckin awesome time just like the old days. Aimee and I talked about Ibogaine and she said that yes she would be willing to get clean off the heroin and perhaps stay off opiates for a while, BUT eventually she’d want to be able to pop some opiate pills or something. The NA program offers great recovery, but the reality is this: there are things about being clean that are great that you no longer have to put up with getting loaded. Some of the benefits are obvious, like not being able to be hassled by cops, being responsible, showing up to work every day and on time, your family and friends can count on you again, you repair the wreckage of your life, learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do, become a better parent if you have kids, that’s for sure.
The down side at least for me are that I lost my ability to write poetry, still haven’t gotten it back, but I’m not tripping. I gained a ton of weight which I tried just about every way I could think of without chemicals to lose it. After I stopped drugs for good for 2 years, there’s this muscle memory from poppin pills, shootin up, plus my mind is simply diverted by the dope. I never smoked cigarettes, and seeing Mom with her emphysema and how badly it’s affected her, no thanks on the bloody cigarettes. I’d rather go back to meth or diet pills. Now, ironically, after talking about this weight issue with Aimee a lot, and then only after getting a little bit of chems in my system, meth, plus my willingness to change my mind about myself if I cannot change my body, Aimee reintroducing me to wearing nice clothes, make up, and hairstyle….well the result is this: I’m still overweight, but on the days I did a little bit of meth, I wore Aimee’s clothes that she gave me, did make up, hair, and felt more confident than I had in the last 2 yrs as far as my body is concerned.
Unfortunately, the other major disadvantage of sobriety for me was once I could no longer fit into my skinny clothes, and that happened mighty fast, while I pretended and lied to myself saying it didn’t bother me, when it did horrifically, from that point on shopping and wearing pretty clothes and make up had become nothing more than a chore. In fact, my attitude was why even bother. Aimee and I are about the same weight, but when I look at her, I don’t see a fat chick, I see a beautiful woman, just like she’s always been. All the study of spirituality I did during the last 2 years told me that in order to change your body, your life, or your circumstances, you had to change your mind. That makes sense. Sometimes it’s easier than others. When I saw Beth Chapman on TV, then saw Aimee, then asked her some hard questions woman to woman like, “Am I still pretty enough to even think about sex with someone?” “Yes you are,” she said with sincerity. “Yes, absolutely,” said Don her boyfriend.
The bad thing about knowing people at the height of your physical beauty is that once you feel you’ve lost it, then there is no way in hell you wanna go out on social occasions with said people. My breasts, once a size 36 or 38 C went up a whole size to a 40 or 42 D. I look at them in the mirror and while they still possess their pretty shape, symmetry, and pink nipples, the bigger size makes it impossible for them to perk right out like “slope tits” as Ricci had once referred to my once upon a time much smaller, but pretty 34B daily meth diet titties that stood right up and out at age 33. I was worried that perhaps I’m starting to get that dreadful drooping of my breasts, but Aimee and Don assured me no, they were beautiful, only bigger. At that point Aimee grabbed and slapped my ass on several occasions. “You have the perfect shaped ass, I love it!” LOL. Was she talking to me? I’m definitely padded there. I never liked my ass except when I was meth rail thin, others years ago had told me too that my stomach and ass when not on meth were unattractive. I carried that with me forever and it made me very self conscience and have no self confidence as far as my body was concerned unless I was on a steady diet of meth.
A lot has happened this week. I did get my dental surgery on Monday. That helped the worst of the pain, but I still can’t eat hard food on that tooth. After I went to work Tuesday, I stayed the night at Aimee’s, partied all night in the garage, had a fuckin awesome time just like the old days. Aimee and I talked about Ibogaine and she said that yes she would be willing to get clean off the heroin and perhaps stay off opiates for a while, BUT eventually she’d want to be able to pop some opiate pills or something. The NA program offers great recovery, but the reality is this: there are things about being clean that are great that you no longer have to put up with getting loaded. Some of the benefits are obvious, like not being able to be hassled by cops, being responsible, showing up to work every day and on time, your family and friends can count on you again, you repair the wreckage of your life, learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do, become a better parent if you have kids, that’s for sure.
The down side at least for me are that I lost my ability to write poetry, still haven’t gotten it back, but I’m not tripping. I gained a ton of weight which I tried just about every way I could think of without chemicals to lose it. After I stopped drugs for good for 2 years, there’s this muscle memory from poppin pills, shootin up, plus my mind is simply diverted by the dope. I never smoked cigarettes, and seeing Mom with her emphysema and how badly it’s affected her, no thanks on the bloody cigarettes. I’d rather go back to meth or diet pills. Now, ironically, after talking about this weight issue with Aimee a lot, and then only after getting a little bit of chems in my system, meth, plus my willingness to change my mind about myself if I cannot change my body, Aimee reintroducing me to wearing nice clothes, make up, and hairstyle….well the result is this: I’m still overweight, but on the days I did a little bit of meth, I wore Aimee’s clothes that she gave me, did make up, hair, and felt more confident than I had in the last 2 yrs as far as my body is concerned.
Unfortunately, the other major disadvantage of sobriety for me was once I could no longer fit into my skinny clothes, and that happened mighty fast, while I pretended and lied to myself saying it didn’t bother me, when it did horrifically, from that point on shopping and wearing pretty clothes and make up had become nothing more than a chore. In fact, my attitude was why even bother. Aimee and I are about the same weight, but when I look at her, I don’t see a fat chick, I see a beautiful woman, just like she’s always been. All the study of spirituality I did during the last 2 years told me that in order to change your body, your life, or your circumstances, you had to change your mind. That makes sense. Sometimes it’s easier than others. When I saw Beth Chapman on TV, then saw Aimee, then asked her some hard questions woman to woman like, “Am I still pretty enough to even think about sex with someone?” “Yes you are,” she said with sincerity. “Yes, absolutely,” said Don her boyfriend.
The bad thing about knowing people at the height of your physical beauty is that once you feel you’ve lost it, then there is no way in hell you wanna go out on social occasions with said people. My breasts, once a size 36 or 38 C went up a whole size to a 40 or 42 D. I look at them in the mirror and while they still possess their pretty shape, symmetry, and pink nipples, the bigger size makes it impossible for them to perk right out like “slope tits” as Ricci had once referred to my once upon a time much smaller, but pretty 34B daily meth diet titties that stood right up and out at age 33. I was worried that perhaps I’m starting to get that dreadful drooping of my breasts, but Aimee and Don assured me no, they were beautiful, only bigger. At that point Aimee grabbed and slapped my ass on several occasions. “You have the perfect shaped ass, I love it!” LOL. Was she talking to me? I’m definitely padded there. I never liked my ass except when I was meth rail thin, others years ago had told me too that my stomach and ass when not on meth were unattractive. I carried that with me forever and it made me very self conscience and have no self confidence as far as my body was concerned unless I was on a steady diet of meth.
4/17/2009
The thing is though, that all the time I was as thin as I wanted to be, it was my complete confidence in how I looked that others found attractive, because when one or two people had told me they thought I was too thin and unattractive, I simply didn’t believe them and felt beautiful, hot, and sexy anyway. Therefore, so did most of the rest of the world. It’s very difficult though when you’re on a steady diet of drugs for so long, then one day you just stop, and the body you’ve been accustomed to for so long all of a sudden changes drastically, and fast. A man I’d had an affair with 8 years ago in Dublin came on line one night and IMed me, the very same night I’d had my official relapse on X. Well on X, it’s incredible the things I said to people on the phone, my Mom, Aimee, Erik who’s phone was broken at the time, then John. Had I been even a little bit buzzed the night I talked to my brother’s wife, the way I spoke kind words from the heart with my friends on X, my brother’s wife and I would have become friendly if not maybe even friends and because his wife said I was a sweet lady, I’d probably be in touch with my brother.
But sobriety left me feeling so awkward knowing what Alice, Ed’s mom said, which was that Dawn, his wife hated me. I was polite, but other than asking to speak to my brother or get my sister’s address, I didn’t know how to act because I felt afraid, although I swear I did try. Had I NOT been on X the night my old flame IMed me, he and I wouldn’t be talking today. Had I been sober, I would have said something like “Hi how are you? I hope your business is going well. I hope you’re happy,” and that would have been it. So what I’m saying is that for me chems in very small quantities bring out the sweetness in me that somehow stays under lock and key sober, at least for a very long time. Sometimes it has taken years for me to really get to know someone because of my emotional damage that some call inhibitions. So how does one go about changing their mind? It’s a process. After trying on different outfits at Aimee’s, putting the make up and hair do, I could not believe how the entire garage of dope fiends kept saying how beautiful I was. Had I lost weight? Gee I look so happy compared to before when they’d seen me stop by sober and wearing plain fat clothes.
“No I certainly did NOT lose weight,” I had to repeat 4 or 5 times. “It was Aimee, my girl showed me I hadn’t lost my beauty.” “Are you sure you didn’t lose any weight?” “No man, just different clothes and make up.” I’ve come to terms with the body I have now. I doubt I’ll ever lose much weight, and although I’d rather have my old body than this one, you know what? This is the one I’ve got and although heavy I still possess my beauty, only a heavier one than before. The clothes made me feel sexy and attractive, something I hadn’t felt for 2 years. So therefore, I’ve changed my mind. I will make the most out of what I have. “What happened? You look happier than I’ve seen you look in a long, long time,” was the consensus of different dope fiends that hadn’t seen me in a while. “Honestly, it’s because I’m chemmed up. I hadn’t been for a long time before tonight.” That is true too, for sure. After I’d read what I’d written on X, then talked in great length to John who for some reason enjoys talking to me a lot more now than he did 8 yrs ago. What was up with that?
Then after reading the conversations we’d had in print, he had pointed out things about me that I hadn’t been aware of. And again, when it came right down to it, as I discovered after doing the written work from NA’s 12 Steps, I hadn’t realized how needy I came off to men. Therefore, I’d get my heart broken over and over again often times probably because I’d been unknowingly been repeating some of the same mistakes over and over. I cried after things that had been hidden from me before, now revealed, able to see it from another person’s perspective in print, showed me too how guarded I’d been and had unconsciously been putting up many different barriers over and over. The small amount of chems I’d done that night allowed me to write my feelings about what I thought this all meant. I suppose if I’d stayed sober and continued working the NA program, eventually I might have found out different pieces to my emotional puzzle, only it would have taken a hell of a lot longer. And of course, I never would have had that conversation with John in the first place sober because I would have considered my honest feelings inappropriate to share with him.
The X had a way of helping me avoid the same old blocks of anger, broken hearts in the past, or whatever other negative issues that kept me guarded. Instead, it showed me with everyone, John included, the value of forgiving, and fear was not an obstacle either. I had simply told Mom, Aimee, John, and Erik although his phone was broken so he didn’t get his message, how much I valued the positive aspects of them during the times I’d been fortunate enough to spend with them and that I loved them. Well alright I did not tell John that I loved him, but how I had valued his qualities of tenderness, sweetness, and kindness, and how he had treated me like a lady the entire time I was visiting him in Dublin. The last thing that a little bit of meth or X has given me back is the ability to enjoy sex (although solo for me) even once in a while and I forgot how pleasurable orgasms felt. I tried a few times to release sexual tension during my 2 years of sobriety, but sadly it rarely worked and the couple times it did, it was not very exciting. My sense of touch seems 100% magnified with a little bit of meth and made it possible to release some pent up angst.
Of course, I know damn well that it’s no good to justify these excuses to myself in order to rationalize why it’s ok to get high. In my 25+ years experience of being a chemical enthusiast, generally a low dose is best to obtain the positive aspects of drug use. Going over that, then anything bad can happen, and we all know how easy and fast it is to be clean for a long time, then BAM, you pick up, 2 wks or so later guess what? You’re back to where you left off when you quit using dope and tolerance steadily rising. Aimee and Linda, and another dope fiend were discussing how ideally balance is the solution for chem. Enthusiasts. Yes, in a perfect world, absolutely. However, the whole reason dope fiends are dope fiends is for the very reason that dope has become so pleasurable or able to alleviate undesirable pain, that they have no concept of balance because to us, more will never be enough. This is why NA says to permanently abstain from all mind altering, mood changing drugs. Drug addicts cannot use in moderation the way some occasional drug users can, like some can drink in moderation, while alcoholics really can’t.
So here I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? There were numerous things I liked about complete abstinence, but other positive qualities forever lost to me once I got clean. It’s a trade off. Some good, some bad. In my case, I unintentionally got hooked on that damned Tramadol, and after 6 months of repeated failures trying to detox from the drug and facing extremely unpleasant W/D’s, led me directly to relapse on more so called dangerous drugs. The X and the seraquil only kept me off Tramadol 3 days b4 I couldn’t stand it any longer. I switched to my Rx painkillers, pills I remember were not as rough withdrawing from as the Tramadol. Now the deal is this: I know I need to taper off, but knowing how unpleasant it is is like the time I had to turn myself in and go to jail voluntarily. The closer the time comes, the more dreadful it seems because I know damn well how unpleasant it’s gonna be. I showed a lot more strength when it came to turning myself in than I have in tapering because I don’t want to face the unpleasant W/D’s.
Then, of course, the meth. After work Tuesday, having a blast with everyone that night, I came home Wednesday, took 3 painkillers, laid down, but did not go to sleep because I had more dental surgery to do that day as well. I managed to release sexual tension through masturbation thanks to the drugs and went to the dentist, got more oral surgery done. I still have to go back for more. So after that, I ended up doing a few errands, then decided to go back to Aimee’s because I wanted to buy a single shot only of meth so I’d have the get up and go after I slept. Aimee and I ended up driving around doing errands together, she got me some glasses so I can read. My vision got blurry leaving me unable to read or write without a magnifying glass a week ago. Hell at 44 years old, I’m lucky I never needed them until now. She told me to call Erik, I did, and Aimee kept talking to me most of the time while I was on the phone with him. “Dude girl, I can’t hear both of you at once!,” I said. Erik was on a pleasant nod on and off because the smack was unexpectedly strong. “Oh I feel sooo sorry for you!,” exclaimed Aimee being playfully jealous.
The thing is though, that all the time I was as thin as I wanted to be, it was my complete confidence in how I looked that others found attractive, because when one or two people had told me they thought I was too thin and unattractive, I simply didn’t believe them and felt beautiful, hot, and sexy anyway. Therefore, so did most of the rest of the world. It’s very difficult though when you’re on a steady diet of drugs for so long, then one day you just stop, and the body you’ve been accustomed to for so long all of a sudden changes drastically, and fast. A man I’d had an affair with 8 years ago in Dublin came on line one night and IMed me, the very same night I’d had my official relapse on X. Well on X, it’s incredible the things I said to people on the phone, my Mom, Aimee, Erik who’s phone was broken at the time, then John. Had I been even a little bit buzzed the night I talked to my brother’s wife, the way I spoke kind words from the heart with my friends on X, my brother’s wife and I would have become friendly if not maybe even friends and because his wife said I was a sweet lady, I’d probably be in touch with my brother.
But sobriety left me feeling so awkward knowing what Alice, Ed’s mom said, which was that Dawn, his wife hated me. I was polite, but other than asking to speak to my brother or get my sister’s address, I didn’t know how to act because I felt afraid, although I swear I did try. Had I NOT been on X the night my old flame IMed me, he and I wouldn’t be talking today. Had I been sober, I would have said something like “Hi how are you? I hope your business is going well. I hope you’re happy,” and that would have been it. So what I’m saying is that for me chems in very small quantities bring out the sweetness in me that somehow stays under lock and key sober, at least for a very long time. Sometimes it has taken years for me to really get to know someone because of my emotional damage that some call inhibitions. So how does one go about changing their mind? It’s a process. After trying on different outfits at Aimee’s, putting the make up and hair do, I could not believe how the entire garage of dope fiends kept saying how beautiful I was. Had I lost weight? Gee I look so happy compared to before when they’d seen me stop by sober and wearing plain fat clothes.
“No I certainly did NOT lose weight,” I had to repeat 4 or 5 times. “It was Aimee, my girl showed me I hadn’t lost my beauty.” “Are you sure you didn’t lose any weight?” “No man, just different clothes and make up.” I’ve come to terms with the body I have now. I doubt I’ll ever lose much weight, and although I’d rather have my old body than this one, you know what? This is the one I’ve got and although heavy I still possess my beauty, only a heavier one than before. The clothes made me feel sexy and attractive, something I hadn’t felt for 2 years. So therefore, I’ve changed my mind. I will make the most out of what I have. “What happened? You look happier than I’ve seen you look in a long, long time,” was the consensus of different dope fiends that hadn’t seen me in a while. “Honestly, it’s because I’m chemmed up. I hadn’t been for a long time before tonight.” That is true too, for sure. After I’d read what I’d written on X, then talked in great length to John who for some reason enjoys talking to me a lot more now than he did 8 yrs ago. What was up with that?
Then after reading the conversations we’d had in print, he had pointed out things about me that I hadn’t been aware of. And again, when it came right down to it, as I discovered after doing the written work from NA’s 12 Steps, I hadn’t realized how needy I came off to men. Therefore, I’d get my heart broken over and over again often times probably because I’d been unknowingly been repeating some of the same mistakes over and over. I cried after things that had been hidden from me before, now revealed, able to see it from another person’s perspective in print, showed me too how guarded I’d been and had unconsciously been putting up many different barriers over and over. The small amount of chems I’d done that night allowed me to write my feelings about what I thought this all meant. I suppose if I’d stayed sober and continued working the NA program, eventually I might have found out different pieces to my emotional puzzle, only it would have taken a hell of a lot longer. And of course, I never would have had that conversation with John in the first place sober because I would have considered my honest feelings inappropriate to share with him.
The X had a way of helping me avoid the same old blocks of anger, broken hearts in the past, or whatever other negative issues that kept me guarded. Instead, it showed me with everyone, John included, the value of forgiving, and fear was not an obstacle either. I had simply told Mom, Aimee, John, and Erik although his phone was broken so he didn’t get his message, how much I valued the positive aspects of them during the times I’d been fortunate enough to spend with them and that I loved them. Well alright I did not tell John that I loved him, but how I had valued his qualities of tenderness, sweetness, and kindness, and how he had treated me like a lady the entire time I was visiting him in Dublin. The last thing that a little bit of meth or X has given me back is the ability to enjoy sex (although solo for me) even once in a while and I forgot how pleasurable orgasms felt. I tried a few times to release sexual tension during my 2 years of sobriety, but sadly it rarely worked and the couple times it did, it was not very exciting. My sense of touch seems 100% magnified with a little bit of meth and made it possible to release some pent up angst.
Of course, I know damn well that it’s no good to justify these excuses to myself in order to rationalize why it’s ok to get high. In my 25+ years experience of being a chemical enthusiast, generally a low dose is best to obtain the positive aspects of drug use. Going over that, then anything bad can happen, and we all know how easy and fast it is to be clean for a long time, then BAM, you pick up, 2 wks or so later guess what? You’re back to where you left off when you quit using dope and tolerance steadily rising. Aimee and Linda, and another dope fiend were discussing how ideally balance is the solution for chem. Enthusiasts. Yes, in a perfect world, absolutely. However, the whole reason dope fiends are dope fiends is for the very reason that dope has become so pleasurable or able to alleviate undesirable pain, that they have no concept of balance because to us, more will never be enough. This is why NA says to permanently abstain from all mind altering, mood changing drugs. Drug addicts cannot use in moderation the way some occasional drug users can, like some can drink in moderation, while alcoholics really can’t.
So here I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? There were numerous things I liked about complete abstinence, but other positive qualities forever lost to me once I got clean. It’s a trade off. Some good, some bad. In my case, I unintentionally got hooked on that damned Tramadol, and after 6 months of repeated failures trying to detox from the drug and facing extremely unpleasant W/D’s, led me directly to relapse on more so called dangerous drugs. The X and the seraquil only kept me off Tramadol 3 days b4 I couldn’t stand it any longer. I switched to my Rx painkillers, pills I remember were not as rough withdrawing from as the Tramadol. Now the deal is this: I know I need to taper off, but knowing how unpleasant it is is like the time I had to turn myself in and go to jail voluntarily. The closer the time comes, the more dreadful it seems because I know damn well how unpleasant it’s gonna be. I showed a lot more strength when it came to turning myself in than I have in tapering because I don’t want to face the unpleasant W/D’s.
Then, of course, the meth. After work Tuesday, having a blast with everyone that night, I came home Wednesday, took 3 painkillers, laid down, but did not go to sleep because I had more dental surgery to do that day as well. I managed to release sexual tension through masturbation thanks to the drugs and went to the dentist, got more oral surgery done. I still have to go back for more. So after that, I ended up doing a few errands, then decided to go back to Aimee’s because I wanted to buy a single shot only of meth so I’d have the get up and go after I slept. Aimee and I ended up driving around doing errands together, she got me some glasses so I can read. My vision got blurry leaving me unable to read or write without a magnifying glass a week ago. Hell at 44 years old, I’m lucky I never needed them until now. She told me to call Erik, I did, and Aimee kept talking to me most of the time while I was on the phone with him. “Dude girl, I can’t hear both of you at once!,” I said. Erik was on a pleasant nod on and off because the smack was unexpectedly strong. “Oh I feel sooo sorry for you!,” exclaimed Aimee being playfully jealous.
4/17/2009
So we go back to her place, I end up buying one shot only for $8, but there was no baggie to put it in 4 me 2 do later. I did it there, came home and crashed shortly afterwards anyway. “Girl, I’ve had a little too much fun, my finances are too low. I CANNOT do this shit anymore until May,” I said. “I understand, but it’s always around if you need a break,” she said. What I need is a break from the meth. No more. So, I was surprised to hear from her the next day telling me I MUST go down there and meet the connect who has some REAL good shit. Don got on the phone, “This stuff is awesome.” “I’ve already spent too much money on the shit,” I said. I could hear him chuckle. Goddamn it. All right one more $20 bag if it’s good. Aimee made good on her promise and gave me a direct hook up with her guy who did have some good shit. Because I’d helped them out one way or another financially, probably totaling $70 in the last 2-3 wks, they offered a couple times to get me high for free, meaning heroin. I told them thanks, but I’d stick with the meth. Well since they didn’t have their own stash of meth, they hooked me up, which was cool, in fact better because when I’m down there and I’m high, I tend to help them out more than I should and I told them it had to stop.
They get free rent, and as Aimee explained to me she’s never had to pay a bill in her life. Her mother and grandmother saw to that, but that handicapped her. She’s never had her own place, all her shits been taken care of for her. Of course, there is a flip side to that. I’ve seen first hand how controlling her mother and grandmother are. I love Linda to death, she’s my friend too, but she can be a giant pain in the ass as the garage is Aimee and Don’s room, but Linda brings her tweeker friends to party in the garage whether Aimee wants them or not. In other words, practically no privacy at all. And as much fun as the party pad is, both of their stuff is ALWAYS getting ripped off. “Girl, there is NO fuckin way I could handle that. Hell this isn’t even my place and it pisses me off, these assholes invading your territory stealing your stuff, fuck that, I’d be gone.” She can’t lock the garage because it’s not her house and she doesn’t pay rent. Linda has her own room. She can take these unwanted intruders in HER room, I said. Linda doesn’t want to do that because her own mother barges in constantly, and there are 2 doors to her bedroom, neither of them even close all the way. I have always required a great deal of privacy, so there is no way in hell that would work for me.
But, the matriarch of the house does not see any need for anyone to have privacy, therefore barges in along with the rest of the world whenever they feel like it. Whoa! Hell even in my heaviest meth shootin days, only a select group of fiends were allowed in my apartment and if I didn’t want company I didn’t answer the door. I kept my stash and my valuables in the master bedroom only, my room, no one went in there without me present, if at all. I can’t even begin to imagine the bullshit Aimee and Linda go through. Linda wants to let all the homeless tweekers and dope fiends come over all the time, even though she gets ripped off constantly. She’s not all quite there. Her brain has been fried from numerous years of either alcohol or meth abuse and she’s 64. So, Thursday morning, I left the drug den, told my friends, “Do NOT call me to buy any more shit guys. I’m broke. I’m done. And I do NOT need another damn habit once again to support, ok? If I don’t cut this shit off now until my vacation, I’m totally fucked. I’m heading home, gonna chill out, my muscles are sore, but talk soon ok?,” “Ok, take care, feel better, Tanya.” Aimee came over gave me a big old hug and kiss. They knew what I meant. Give me another week doin this shit every day, then I might as well kiss my career, my car, my home goodbye and go back to the joyful existence of being broke on the street, running from cops, Christ FUCK NO!
Aimee is without a doubt the most fun girlfriend I’ve ever had and I was touched when she referred to me as her best friend more than a few times. I haven’t had too many girl friends that stuck around after getting married, having kids, or all the other shit that most women do, unlike myself. I’ve always been single, never did the baby thing. Came close to marriage twice, but most of my peers have had a couple divorces and or kids by now and that whole Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blue Normal was never my gig. Obviously if I ever did marry, it would have to be a most unconventional marriage and I don’t see anyone I might ever be married to, except for maybe Erik. Erik, like myself is unconventional as well, otherwise our relationship wouldn’t have worked. We have an unconventional thing/had from the get go. It was sweet of Aimee to offer to let us shack up at her place, that would save us from spending all that money on a motel. “Why spend money on a motel when you could spend it on drugs?,” she asked. She has got a definite point. Still, we can play it by ear, however guaranteed there is no privacy whatsoever at her place, even for her. I would like Erik to myself for one day if he doesn’t object, which I doubt. Like me, he tends to prefer company one on one, at least that’s how it was when we were in the apartment.
My friend John saw me on line and asked to see me on cam. “Damn it!,” I thought to myself. “Ohhh John I don’t have any make up on,” I said. “You look pretty naturally. But I don’t want you lookin at my stomach, I thought. Christ here we go. I don’t like that the camera makes you appear 12% heavier than you really are, so I’m like, ohhhhh all right, saying it as a groan. All my friends are going to find out eventually anyway, so (grumble grumble grumble) let’s get this over with. “I think you're hot!,” he said. I laughed out loud and shook my head. “Hey you have a nice ass!” What 2 times in one day, you’ve got to be kidding. “It’s well padded as you can see,” I said. “I don’t like stick insect women. A woman should look like a woman with curves, tits and ass.” “You’ve come to the right woman cause I got plenty of all that and then some,” I said. A wee bit more stomach than I’d like to be sure, BUTT hey I’ve got what I’ve got and I feel like I’ve finally accepted that this is what I’ve got so practice liking it. That’s 8 people that have given me compliments ever since my attitude adjustment, and dressing differently, overweight or not, so there it is.
Aimee wanted me to try on a sexy black bra that looked a couple sizes 2 small for me, so I removed one of my massive tits, then the other, no longer producing milk as I saw Aimee’s did. In my late teens to mid twenties, I’d constantly be playing with my nipples when no one was around, and eventually little drops of milk started coming out. Getting them sucked on a lot or played with manually apparently produced milk sometimes. My milk dried up when I lost interest in sex in my late 20’s in favor of drugs, but I was curious as to how her milk would taste. She squeezed one nipple, a big old drop came out. “Do you mind if I try?,” I asked. “No go right ahead,” she said. Slightly salty, watery, but not unpleasant taste kind of like my own tasted years ago. She squeezed the other nipple and expressed another large drop for me to taste. “So why do you have milk? Is Don always sucking your tits or something?,” I asked. “No, I’ve had milk ever since Cody was born.” That was 17 years ago. I kind of wish I’d produce milk again. The cyber sex with the X/meth really somehow reawakened my sexuality with a vengeance. Erik please don’t be upset with me? I haven’t had any dick in 8 years, this is driving me NUTS!! I’d forgotten how intensely pleasurable sex can be either masturbation or cyber, and arousal by cyber sex is simply being turned on by someone else’s mind. I need to have someone other than my own to be turned on by to help me relieve this sexual tension.
So we go back to her place, I end up buying one shot only for $8, but there was no baggie to put it in 4 me 2 do later. I did it there, came home and crashed shortly afterwards anyway. “Girl, I’ve had a little too much fun, my finances are too low. I CANNOT do this shit anymore until May,” I said. “I understand, but it’s always around if you need a break,” she said. What I need is a break from the meth. No more. So, I was surprised to hear from her the next day telling me I MUST go down there and meet the connect who has some REAL good shit. Don got on the phone, “This stuff is awesome.” “I’ve already spent too much money on the shit,” I said. I could hear him chuckle. Goddamn it. All right one more $20 bag if it’s good. Aimee made good on her promise and gave me a direct hook up with her guy who did have some good shit. Because I’d helped them out one way or another financially, probably totaling $70 in the last 2-3 wks, they offered a couple times to get me high for free, meaning heroin. I told them thanks, but I’d stick with the meth. Well since they didn’t have their own stash of meth, they hooked me up, which was cool, in fact better because when I’m down there and I’m high, I tend to help them out more than I should and I told them it had to stop.
They get free rent, and as Aimee explained to me she’s never had to pay a bill in her life. Her mother and grandmother saw to that, but that handicapped her. She’s never had her own place, all her shits been taken care of for her. Of course, there is a flip side to that. I’ve seen first hand how controlling her mother and grandmother are. I love Linda to death, she’s my friend too, but she can be a giant pain in the ass as the garage is Aimee and Don’s room, but Linda brings her tweeker friends to party in the garage whether Aimee wants them or not. In other words, practically no privacy at all. And as much fun as the party pad is, both of their stuff is ALWAYS getting ripped off. “Girl, there is NO fuckin way I could handle that. Hell this isn’t even my place and it pisses me off, these assholes invading your territory stealing your stuff, fuck that, I’d be gone.” She can’t lock the garage because it’s not her house and she doesn’t pay rent. Linda has her own room. She can take these unwanted intruders in HER room, I said. Linda doesn’t want to do that because her own mother barges in constantly, and there are 2 doors to her bedroom, neither of them even close all the way. I have always required a great deal of privacy, so there is no way in hell that would work for me.
But, the matriarch of the house does not see any need for anyone to have privacy, therefore barges in along with the rest of the world whenever they feel like it. Whoa! Hell even in my heaviest meth shootin days, only a select group of fiends were allowed in my apartment and if I didn’t want company I didn’t answer the door. I kept my stash and my valuables in the master bedroom only, my room, no one went in there without me present, if at all. I can’t even begin to imagine the bullshit Aimee and Linda go through. Linda wants to let all the homeless tweekers and dope fiends come over all the time, even though she gets ripped off constantly. She’s not all quite there. Her brain has been fried from numerous years of either alcohol or meth abuse and she’s 64. So, Thursday morning, I left the drug den, told my friends, “Do NOT call me to buy any more shit guys. I’m broke. I’m done. And I do NOT need another damn habit once again to support, ok? If I don’t cut this shit off now until my vacation, I’m totally fucked. I’m heading home, gonna chill out, my muscles are sore, but talk soon ok?,” “Ok, take care, feel better, Tanya.” Aimee came over gave me a big old hug and kiss. They knew what I meant. Give me another week doin this shit every day, then I might as well kiss my career, my car, my home goodbye and go back to the joyful existence of being broke on the street, running from cops, Christ FUCK NO!
Aimee is without a doubt the most fun girlfriend I’ve ever had and I was touched when she referred to me as her best friend more than a few times. I haven’t had too many girl friends that stuck around after getting married, having kids, or all the other shit that most women do, unlike myself. I’ve always been single, never did the baby thing. Came close to marriage twice, but most of my peers have had a couple divorces and or kids by now and that whole Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blue Normal was never my gig. Obviously if I ever did marry, it would have to be a most unconventional marriage and I don’t see anyone I might ever be married to, except for maybe Erik. Erik, like myself is unconventional as well, otherwise our relationship wouldn’t have worked. We have an unconventional thing/had from the get go. It was sweet of Aimee to offer to let us shack up at her place, that would save us from spending all that money on a motel. “Why spend money on a motel when you could spend it on drugs?,” she asked. She has got a definite point. Still, we can play it by ear, however guaranteed there is no privacy whatsoever at her place, even for her. I would like Erik to myself for one day if he doesn’t object, which I doubt. Like me, he tends to prefer company one on one, at least that’s how it was when we were in the apartment.
My friend John saw me on line and asked to see me on cam. “Damn it!,” I thought to myself. “Ohhh John I don’t have any make up on,” I said. “You look pretty naturally. But I don’t want you lookin at my stomach, I thought. Christ here we go. I don’t like that the camera makes you appear 12% heavier than you really are, so I’m like, ohhhhh all right, saying it as a groan. All my friends are going to find out eventually anyway, so (grumble grumble grumble) let’s get this over with. “I think you're hot!,” he said. I laughed out loud and shook my head. “Hey you have a nice ass!” What 2 times in one day, you’ve got to be kidding. “It’s well padded as you can see,” I said. “I don’t like stick insect women. A woman should look like a woman with curves, tits and ass.” “You’ve come to the right woman cause I got plenty of all that and then some,” I said. A wee bit more stomach than I’d like to be sure, BUTT hey I’ve got what I’ve got and I feel like I’ve finally accepted that this is what I’ve got so practice liking it. That’s 8 people that have given me compliments ever since my attitude adjustment, and dressing differently, overweight or not, so there it is.
Aimee wanted me to try on a sexy black bra that looked a couple sizes 2 small for me, so I removed one of my massive tits, then the other, no longer producing milk as I saw Aimee’s did. In my late teens to mid twenties, I’d constantly be playing with my nipples when no one was around, and eventually little drops of milk started coming out. Getting them sucked on a lot or played with manually apparently produced milk sometimes. My milk dried up when I lost interest in sex in my late 20’s in favor of drugs, but I was curious as to how her milk would taste. She squeezed one nipple, a big old drop came out. “Do you mind if I try?,” I asked. “No go right ahead,” she said. Slightly salty, watery, but not unpleasant taste kind of like my own tasted years ago. She squeezed the other nipple and expressed another large drop for me to taste. “So why do you have milk? Is Don always sucking your tits or something?,” I asked. “No, I’ve had milk ever since Cody was born.” That was 17 years ago. I kind of wish I’d produce milk again. The cyber sex with the X/meth really somehow reawakened my sexuality with a vengeance. Erik please don’t be upset with me? I haven’t had any dick in 8 years, this is driving me NUTS!! I’d forgotten how intensely pleasurable sex can be either masturbation or cyber, and arousal by cyber sex is simply being turned on by someone else’s mind. I need to have someone other than my own to be turned on by to help me relieve this sexual tension.
Yesterday got charged with DWI. Going to court Wednesday. Getting a good Jew lawyer. Hoping thing work out. Don't need this shit.
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
I brought a doctor's note for missing work yesterday. HR said that I need to miss at least 3 consecutive days before bringing in a note and that the absence will still count against me. So most likely I'll have a day of suspension from work and I'll possibly lose my insurance because of the suspension if I don't have enough vacation to cover it. I'll also be demoted from a lead position.
I'm trying to fix my life but it feels like everyone is against that and I'll never be happy again. It's been hard for me to admit my problems to people and it took a lot to bring that note to HR today. It would be nice if they recognized that I've worked there longer than almost anyone else, including a lot of admin, and that I am good at what I do. Instead I just got a look of pity and told to "have a pleasant day." I don't want pity, I want compassion and maybe a little leeway. I need people to understand and try to help me out a bit. This is so frustrating and it makes me want to give up on work and the human race in general.
Friday was a good day. Rachael and Donavin came and we went to the zoo and just hung out. I spoiled Donavin rotten with toys and ice cream. I haven't hung out with anyone at all since August. It felt good to be around people again for a day. Later though I realized that I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. Oh well, at least I know that I'm still capable of having fun and feeling joy. I just wish it would happen more often.
After my doctor's appointment I went to the the bookstore and spent some of my Christmas gift card. I got a pocket dictionary/thesaurus to help with my crossword puzzles. I also got Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland (
Coupland), Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, and a new sudoku book.
I'm trying to fix my life but it feels like everyone is against that and I'll never be happy again. It's been hard for me to admit my problems to people and it took a lot to bring that note to HR today. It would be nice if they recognized that I've worked there longer than almost anyone else, including a lot of admin, and that I am good at what I do. Instead I just got a look of pity and told to "have a pleasant day." I don't want pity, I want compassion and maybe a little leeway. I need people to understand and try to help me out a bit. This is so frustrating and it makes me want to give up on work and the human race in general.
Friday was a good day. Rachael and Donavin came and we went to the zoo and just hung out. I spoiled Donavin rotten with toys and ice cream. I haven't hung out with anyone at all since August. It felt good to be around people again for a day. Later though I realized that I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. Oh well, at least I know that I'm still capable of having fun and feeling joy. I just wish it would happen more often.
After my doctor's appointment I went to the the bookstore and spent some of my Christmas gift card. I got a pocket dictionary/thesaurus to help with my crossword puzzles. I also got Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland (
Coupland), Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, and a new sudoku book.
I was nearing the end of my shift at work on Tuesday. Although I knew I shouldn't, I ended up calling Aimee and Don. Monday when I got off work, I was damn tired and stopped by Aimee's after work because I was depressed, the opiate come down. I had food I could no longer eat, cause my tooth had gotten out of control with pain. I have to be careful that nothing touched it, anything, even water hurt. I got my appointment with the dentist bumped up to that afternoon. So Aimee was dope sick and she and Don took the family car to get dope. Her 17 y/o son was due to be in court to get off probation.
"Would you PLEASE do me a big favor and take Cody to court?," she asked. There is only one car, her grandmother's and it gets shared between Nana, the great grandma, Linda, (Aimee's mother) Aimee herself, plus her son who always takes the keys without permission. They are a classic dysfunctional family, but obviously they have their redeeming qualities. NA has been so good to me, they have. I will never forget that. But in terms of a social life, I can't go on vacations with the NA people because I get no sick or vacation pay. Normal people take off the weekends, the days when I need to work the most.
I haven't seen most of the old NA group either, as life changes for everyone and new jobs, babies, sickness, or finances force them to move away. I've always understood this. I certainly don't mind spending a good deal of time alone, I've done so my entire life. Still, the one house that has always had it's doors open to me any time 24/7 whether sober, using, homeless, or prospering I've been welcomed with open arms. Often when people stop using, their using friends really don't have anything more to say, but that wasn't the case with Aimee and Linda.
I dropped Cody and Linda off to Juvie court, came home, crashed hard. I went to work Tuesday, then decided for once I want to be with friends I both like plus able to see me on my off hours, unlike most normal people. Well I did and yes I had a great time. Mom called there twice all worried saying "You CAN'T get back into doing that shit again, you just can't!" I assured her twice I was being good and I understand why she reacts the way she does. I know I'm playing with fire. Hell I shouldn't be doin this shit at all, but DAMN how I miss the commaraderie of the group like the old days.
With a little bit of dope (NOT alot) I can open up with people, talk and chill, have a great time. This is something I still haven't quite managed to pull off sober, as I tend to be rather quiet and reserved, and cursedly shy. The thing about being friend with dope fiends, especially when you're all high, are more able to tell it like it is. Aimee sure is. I am a better communicator buzzed, as long as I don't do ALOT. Well, since I started using small amounts of meth again, all of a sudden my sexuality became undormant. Sober, I was concentrating on recovery, getting my life back together, bla bla, but I swear even when I wanted to enjoy masturbation, sex with myself to obtain some type of release, it rarely was able to happen.
That's fucked up and sad. On a small dose of X or meth, it all came back. I could get myself off, doing it for hours if I wanted. Sober it was still difficult to even talk about sex, not that I had any, not even cyber. So this long time issue with Erik, my friend that I love very much, the one that asked me to marry him 4 yrs ago, still wants to...well the obvious issue of sex never was discussed because I didn't quite know how to go about it. I mean originally when we almost married, I hadn't been in love with him at the time, I only loved him as a friend. Therefore, I didn't care. Once I had feelings for him though, the thought of having a husband that I couldn't be inimate with even once in a while was very painful.
How do I tell a guy that loves me but CAN'T love me sexually that there is no way I can marry someone I love but can't have? Or if I did marry him and couldn't have sex with him, I'd want to be able to have an affair with a straight man, like John that DID want to be with me. I know how fucked up this all sounds, but Erik and I were tight. We were both junkies together, worked the streets together, survived together, shared our fun times and our dope together, until one day the money ran out and he was forced to move in order to find work. I was getting evicted from my apartment, about to be homeless, had no idea where I was going to be living from one day to the next.
We stayed tight though. He still loves me and I him, although we never really got the sex question out of the way, the elephant in the room, so to speak. It was almost midnight Tues Aoril 14th, and I said to Aimee, "It's Erik's birthday today, well the 15th actually, give or take a few minutes." "Great! Call his ass! I've heard so much about him." Aimee was a live one, and fun like always when she's high and not dope sick. So I call him, he answered and I told him happy B day. Well Erik I could tell had had a few happy chemicals too because when he's not chemed up, he's quiet and shy like me. So, I was surprised when he asked me, "Do you want to have a baby with me?" Whoa that was a lightening bolt!
"Are you serious?," I asked Erik. I doubt there's any way in hell I'll ever have a kid, although it could technically happen for several more years, maybe more. The romantic in me though has always thought about it. "If we had a girl I'd want to name her Erika," I said and it's true. "Ahhhhh," he said. "But Erik, um sex is sort of required in order to do that.....," there I finally said it. Aimee was making these obscene gestures indicating coitus, and laughing loud, talking over me and Erik and I couldn't hear. "What?," I asked Aimee. "Tell him...." she said.
I handed her the phone. "Here you tell him yourself," I said. The things people do when they're high. The fucked thing is is that all of us at that party as sober human beings, at least Erik and I for sure, somehow always end up avoiding uncomfortable discussions, so they don't get dealt with. Aimee got right to the point with him. "Erik you're gay, right?," I heard her ask. "Oh you're Bi?," "Ok, then if you're bi would you be able to let Tanya wear a strap on and fuck you up the ass?" OMFG!!!! Aimee!!! Holy shit high or not I was turning 10 shades of red. It was a question I'd been curious about, but never would have asked.
"Ok, if you both had dicks you could jack off together," I heard Aimee say, then "If you're in love with someone, doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, or what, if you dig the person then you should be able to just get down and be dirty whatever gets your groove on," she said. It sounded like Erik was agreeing. At some point she gave the phone back to me and we talked about last names. "Just think, Erik if we had had $60 when you were here, I'd be Tanya Tarantino Simpson." "I wouldn't mind changing my last name to yours," he said, something he had told me back in 2005 when we were trying to get a city hall marriage arranged.
He's the only guy I've ever heard say that, well except for John Lennon who I read changed his name to John Ono Lennon. "Yeah you should both use you're last name," said Aimee. She likes my last name. That's sweet, but I'm a little old fashioned I guess because I'd feel like I should be taking his last name. "You look like a Simpson though," I told Erik. I could always keep both names. I'm a romantic, but also a realist. Marriage or motherhood could never happen unless and until we both get our shit together. I'm deeply touched by Erik wanting to have a baby with me. I think he'd be a good, nurturing daddy, especially with a daughter because daughters you can be more openly affectionate with. Guys have a different set of rules to be raised by.
"Fuckin Aimee, what did he SAY when you asked him those questions?," I asked. "He really loves you," she said. "And he laughed when I asked him the dildo question, but totally agreed with me about having the right mind set than whether or not the person is male or female, if you love them, anything goes," or something like that. I love Erik and everything, but at the same time I do NOT want him to try to be something he's not and attempt sex out of a sense of duty. I only want it out of love. Regardless, I love him w/o sex, I love him for him, but when talking about marriage I'd have to know exactly where I stand before going into it.
Written for Erik:
7/14/05
Who Knew
who knew you anyway
standing on the corner
nothing to say
could anyone be so cruel?
could she have lied
over and again
all the while never did send
who knew you gave
away this old heart
for me to mend
i dont really know
why i always loved
your dolls, your outfits
your traveling show
one chaste candy kiss
i can still taste
chocolates and daffodils
camel cigarettes and codeine refills
1st black tar sugar kiss
how is it ur so pure?
i love you still
little boy doll
of secondhand razorblades
and secondhand skies
a young stranger waiting
at the train station
COME BACK! sweetness 4 a 2nd cup
i took the 2nd hand heart
in a heart shaped box
who knew i always loved anyway
I wish I had more time, but my back and muscles hurt and got to start getting ready for work damn it.
"Would you PLEASE do me a big favor and take Cody to court?," she asked. There is only one car, her grandmother's and it gets shared between Nana, the great grandma, Linda, (Aimee's mother) Aimee herself, plus her son who always takes the keys without permission. They are a classic dysfunctional family, but obviously they have their redeeming qualities. NA has been so good to me, they have. I will never forget that. But in terms of a social life, I can't go on vacations with the NA people because I get no sick or vacation pay. Normal people take off the weekends, the days when I need to work the most.
I haven't seen most of the old NA group either, as life changes for everyone and new jobs, babies, sickness, or finances force them to move away. I've always understood this. I certainly don't mind spending a good deal of time alone, I've done so my entire life. Still, the one house that has always had it's doors open to me any time 24/7 whether sober, using, homeless, or prospering I've been welcomed with open arms. Often when people stop using, their using friends really don't have anything more to say, but that wasn't the case with Aimee and Linda.
I dropped Cody and Linda off to Juvie court, came home, crashed hard. I went to work Tuesday, then decided for once I want to be with friends I both like plus able to see me on my off hours, unlike most normal people. Well I did and yes I had a great time. Mom called there twice all worried saying "You CAN'T get back into doing that shit again, you just can't!" I assured her twice I was being good and I understand why she reacts the way she does. I know I'm playing with fire. Hell I shouldn't be doin this shit at all, but DAMN how I miss the commaraderie of the group like the old days.
With a little bit of dope (NOT alot) I can open up with people, talk and chill, have a great time. This is something I still haven't quite managed to pull off sober, as I tend to be rather quiet and reserved, and cursedly shy. The thing about being friend with dope fiends, especially when you're all high, are more able to tell it like it is. Aimee sure is. I am a better communicator buzzed, as long as I don't do ALOT. Well, since I started using small amounts of meth again, all of a sudden my sexuality became undormant. Sober, I was concentrating on recovery, getting my life back together, bla bla, but I swear even when I wanted to enjoy masturbation, sex with myself to obtain some type of release, it rarely was able to happen.
That's fucked up and sad. On a small dose of X or meth, it all came back. I could get myself off, doing it for hours if I wanted. Sober it was still difficult to even talk about sex, not that I had any, not even cyber. So this long time issue with Erik, my friend that I love very much, the one that asked me to marry him 4 yrs ago, still wants to...well the obvious issue of sex never was discussed because I didn't quite know how to go about it. I mean originally when we almost married, I hadn't been in love with him at the time, I only loved him as a friend. Therefore, I didn't care. Once I had feelings for him though, the thought of having a husband that I couldn't be inimate with even once in a while was very painful.
How do I tell a guy that loves me but CAN'T love me sexually that there is no way I can marry someone I love but can't have? Or if I did marry him and couldn't have sex with him, I'd want to be able to have an affair with a straight man, like John that DID want to be with me. I know how fucked up this all sounds, but Erik and I were tight. We were both junkies together, worked the streets together, survived together, shared our fun times and our dope together, until one day the money ran out and he was forced to move in order to find work. I was getting evicted from my apartment, about to be homeless, had no idea where I was going to be living from one day to the next.
We stayed tight though. He still loves me and I him, although we never really got the sex question out of the way, the elephant in the room, so to speak. It was almost midnight Tues Aoril 14th, and I said to Aimee, "It's Erik's birthday today, well the 15th actually, give or take a few minutes." "Great! Call his ass! I've heard so much about him." Aimee was a live one, and fun like always when she's high and not dope sick. So I call him, he answered and I told him happy B day. Well Erik I could tell had had a few happy chemicals too because when he's not chemed up, he's quiet and shy like me. So, I was surprised when he asked me, "Do you want to have a baby with me?" Whoa that was a lightening bolt!
"Are you serious?," I asked Erik. I doubt there's any way in hell I'll ever have a kid, although it could technically happen for several more years, maybe more. The romantic in me though has always thought about it. "If we had a girl I'd want to name her Erika," I said and it's true. "Ahhhhh," he said. "But Erik, um sex is sort of required in order to do that.....," there I finally said it. Aimee was making these obscene gestures indicating coitus, and laughing loud, talking over me and Erik and I couldn't hear. "What?," I asked Aimee. "Tell him...." she said.
I handed her the phone. "Here you tell him yourself," I said. The things people do when they're high. The fucked thing is is that all of us at that party as sober human beings, at least Erik and I for sure, somehow always end up avoiding uncomfortable discussions, so they don't get dealt with. Aimee got right to the point with him. "Erik you're gay, right?," I heard her ask. "Oh you're Bi?," "Ok, then if you're bi would you be able to let Tanya wear a strap on and fuck you up the ass?" OMFG!!!! Aimee!!! Holy shit high or not I was turning 10 shades of red. It was a question I'd been curious about, but never would have asked.
"Ok, if you both had dicks you could jack off together," I heard Aimee say, then "If you're in love with someone, doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, or what, if you dig the person then you should be able to just get down and be dirty whatever gets your groove on," she said. It sounded like Erik was agreeing. At some point she gave the phone back to me and we talked about last names. "Just think, Erik if we had had $60 when you were here, I'd be Tanya Tarantino Simpson." "I wouldn't mind changing my last name to yours," he said, something he had told me back in 2005 when we were trying to get a city hall marriage arranged.
He's the only guy I've ever heard say that, well except for John Lennon who I read changed his name to John Ono Lennon. "Yeah you should both use you're last name," said Aimee. She likes my last name. That's sweet, but I'm a little old fashioned I guess because I'd feel like I should be taking his last name. "You look like a Simpson though," I told Erik. I could always keep both names. I'm a romantic, but also a realist. Marriage or motherhood could never happen unless and until we both get our shit together. I'm deeply touched by Erik wanting to have a baby with me. I think he'd be a good, nurturing daddy, especially with a daughter because daughters you can be more openly affectionate with. Guys have a different set of rules to be raised by.
"Fuckin Aimee, what did he SAY when you asked him those questions?," I asked. "He really loves you," she said. "And he laughed when I asked him the dildo question, but totally agreed with me about having the right mind set than whether or not the person is male or female, if you love them, anything goes," or something like that. I love Erik and everything, but at the same time I do NOT want him to try to be something he's not and attempt sex out of a sense of duty. I only want it out of love. Regardless, I love him w/o sex, I love him for him, but when talking about marriage I'd have to know exactly where I stand before going into it.
Written for Erik:
7/14/05
Who Knew
who knew you anyway
standing on the corner
nothing to say
could anyone be so cruel?
could she have lied
over and again
all the while never did send
who knew you gave
away this old heart
for me to mend
i dont really know
why i always loved
your dolls, your outfits
your traveling show
one chaste candy kiss
i can still taste
chocolates and daffodils
camel cigarettes and codeine refills
1st black tar sugar kiss
how is it ur so pure?
i love you still
little boy doll
of secondhand razorblades
and secondhand skies
a young stranger waiting
at the train station
COME BACK! sweetness 4 a 2nd cup
i took the 2nd hand heart
in a heart shaped box
who knew i always loved anyway
I wish I had more time, but my back and muscles hurt and got to start getting ready for work damn it.
I don't know what it is about this stuff, but if I'm sniffing something, I like to add a bit of lidocaine as well, It gives me the numbies of blow as well as the high from whatever the other thing going up my nose is. Throat numbness, tongue, numbness. This stuff is made of win although obviously it isn't supposed to be snorted for any reason.