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How do you prep hydroxyzine without the rig being cloady, even if you filter it 3-4 times. Can you just iv it cloady?

Thanks
I know that right now I am totally destroying my body and have been for almost a straight year. I haven't been this bad since high school and my first couple of years at college. I don't know how I haven't been committed to either an in-patient program or an insane asylum. That line in The Departed, he says "I'm Irish - I can deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life." Well that's pretty accurate, but my Italian side makes me impulsive and manic. Actually, I don't know if any of that is accurate at all because I can't even get out of bed without taking 5 pills which means that I really don't know much about myself at all. It's all one big blind-spot, and I'm actually okay with that.
Woke up early today from bad dream. Same sort of dream as usual. End up losing important people. Was in a jail of sorts, caged and kept away from girl I love. Jail keeper comes up to cell and sets me free. Tells me I will never be able to see her again, that she is gone forever. Not sure if died or disappeared. Would not have it that way. Rage, anxiety, and sadness floods over me. Set out to find pieces puzzle. Have them all in hands. End up constructing some sort of box, emblems and unknown language covers it. Someone tells me if I use it I have chance of dying. Do not care. Prepare to use it to go back to point in time when she was still alive. Puzzle begins playing tune similar to music box. Recognize song as Orbital's One Perfect Sunrise. Bright flash. Not afraid of dying. Then I wake up drenched in sweat with this feeling nobody should have to feel.

Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.

Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.

Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...
Feeling better today. Was doing some thinking at work. Seems every spring this happens. Part of me dies literally, while another half blooms and comes to life. Seems to be a cycle. Not sure how it will end. Superstitious. Seven of nine lives used. Clock counting down whats left of my time. Have to get handle on whats eating me. For the greater good. Do not want to hurt those around me. Love girlfreind, some family, friends, and Bluelighters.

Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.

Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.

Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.

Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Well I fucked up after eleven days:X
Been six days now. Haven't been doing anything interesting. I have a seroquel prescription from the doctor, it's been a lifesaver as I was going psycho, raging around about nothing, moods up & down, etc. I'm half-back on track now. I am also looking a shitload healthier.

on meth:(these were a few years back now, i was very thin)
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/g-1.jpg
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/f.jpg
this one a few months ago
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/100_3180-1.jpg
lol at the eyes.
off:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/IMG000243.jpg

It's crazy how it changes your appearance.
Whilst on it I didn't even think I looked that sick, but now that I am off it I am really amazed how different I look after (around) a month of little usage.
Put on 7kg, bit hard for me to see that.
If you have read earlier posts, I used to have a serious ED few years back, gained 10kg or so and remained at around 48kg for 2 yrs, but 55kg now.
Its strange looking normal!
I'm gonna have to eventually have to pay the dentist a visit, I am terrified. From almost 7 yrs of smoking it, it will not be pretty.
I know I already have two rotting teeth, one also rotted 2 yrs ago which I pulled out. Uh oh.
Have ANOTHER doctors next week. Check up with the anti-psychotic.
Went to doctors today. Really good doctor. Been giving me acupuncture for free. Seeing him again in a week. Might be looking at medication for insomnia and anxiety.

Prior to doctors, got head on clear. Drove to Middletown. Copped a few bags. Forgive me for using, but I had to. I needed an ordinary moment.

Cracked open paper hourglass. Poured the sands of time into a silver chalice. Golden sustenance and poison transmuted. Loaded nectar into sword. Weapon in hand, pierced my being. Rose bloomed in a golden hue. Drive the thorn deep. Wave of calm sweeps over me like tide of ocean. Warmth. Peace. Serenity. Spiral into bliss as the mind circus thats been raging subsides. Light a cigarette. Breath it in and breath it out. Time to go home. Feels like I am home.

Got up with girlfreind and friend. Wonderful time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking. Veil of depression lifted by the presence of the one I love. Eventually go home. Loving charm. Desire. Connection. Stir of wonderful emotions. Our love manifests itself physically. Beautiful. Perfection. True love.

Girlfriend made comment that made me smile today in store. Was looking at washing machines for some random reason. Told her friend she better get used to using one. Girlfriend turned around and said how about when we get married, will you make me wash cloths... Could'nt help but kiss her forehead and tell her I would dry clean my clothes. No laundry for her.

Don't know about life sometimes. Ups and downs. Always feel like be trapped inside a jar with this bipolar condition. Emotions raging from light to dark. Love it though. Allows me to experience despairs and ecstasies no other can. Including gray in between. High off a deep depression. High off a simple thing of life.

Right now now calm and numb. Savoring the ordinary moment. Future is uncertain still...
Very tired. Only slept few hours over past couple of days. Have doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping to get help for insomnia. Don't care if its pills or carpenter hammer, as long as it makes sleep come easy. Looking forward to seeing girlfreind tomorrow afterwards. Been a few days since last saw her face. Miss it very much. Feel no troubles when she smiles.

Work today was tough. Hard work will be paying off in due time with apprenticeship and eventual certification as butcher. Will be able to live good life and improve girlfriends life.

Thinking about getting up with friend tomorrow morning. Need to get my head on clear. Need an ordinary moment.
My father bought it for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! My father bought it for just two coins, as the Haggadah relates. Along came the cat and ate up the lamb. The dog choked the cat that ate the lamb, that my father bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Along came the stick, to beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb that my father bought. That he bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then came a fire and burnt the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then wather came and quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that eat the lamb, that my father bought for yust two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then came an Ox and drank the wather, that quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that eat the lamb, that my father bought for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Along came a butcher and killed the Ox, that drank the water, that quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought. Then came the Angel of Death and slew the butcher, who killed the Ox, that drank the water, that quenched the fire, that burnt the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Why do you sing, little lamb? Spring isn't yet here and Passover neither. Have you changed? I have changed this year. And every evening, like each evening, I have only asked four questions. But tonight, I have tought of another question. How long will this circle of horror last? Tonight, i have tought of another question. How long will this circle of horror last? Of persecutor and persecuted, of executioner and victim. When will this madness end? What has changed this year? This year, i have changed. I was a meek lamb. I have become a tiger and a wild wolf. I was a dove, a gazelle. Today, i don't know who i am. My father bought it for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Our father bought it for just two coins. And everything is starting again!
Major killer depression going on. I've made some stupid mistakes with money and being way too generous, more than I can afford to be. It's all my fault though and I blame no one but myself. Everything is so damn complicated too. Last night I couldn't read or right without a magnifying glass. I can see fine far away, but trying to read semi small print, even with a light right there, wasn't working very well. The blurry/double vision started maybe 3 days ago and I wasn't under the influence of meth. I was hoping the little bits of meth I've done wasn't responsible for this, but my pupils weren't wide, they got narrow and adjusted to the light, but I just couldn't see to read w/o mag glass. The nurse that came to relieve me this morning let me try on 2 different pairs of reading glasses that are hers. I tried them on and problem solved. I could see fine to chart. Mom was very young when she started wearing glasses. Tony told me he was about 51, so I thought good, I got the Tarantino eye sight. I wondered when the day would come. Then my tooth got so fucking bad, it no longer felt like a blow torch, but simply could not tolerate any pressure whatsoever on it w/o major pain. I couldn't eat. I gave my breakfast to Aimee. Then I lost a piece out of the top molar and now it's starting to hurt. I don't even care about a few grey hairs and Aimee made me feel beautiful again by helping me to shop for clothes that make me look sexy at my new size, just like she is. That part was sweet. I've only done such tiny amounts of meth, and again I loved it, but I don't want anymore. Don and Aimee offered some heroin for the tooth pain, but I didn't want it. I only hope 2 fuck the dentist won't suspect what's been going on, I don't need discrimination. I'm trying to fix everything. The little bit of shit last night was theraputic in that for the first time since 2 years ago, Aimee showed me my physical beauty and that it didn't leave, and I can't get over the new look! The way she did my hair, clothes, hat, make up. We took new photos, some that actually hopefully look good this time. My body can't be put through more than a couple lines or shots of meth in one night only and not too frequently. That's fine, but didn't expect these changes with the diminished vision/and now I've got more major oral surgery in a few minutes.
We had a guest speaker in my Human Services class from a local rehab center. He spoke of providing 'tools' for the addict/alcoholic. One of these tools is the various 12 step programs. After speaking we asked questions.

I asked if they introduced alternatives to the 12 steps. He said 'Yes, we offer alternatives but the reason we use the 12 steps is because it is proven, affordable (free), and available.'

He then mentioned how many have issues with the 'god' concept.

Yeah, yeah, I know, its a 'spiritual' not 'religious' program. I know that a doorknob can be your Higher Power. But WHAT are the alternatives? (i didn't verbalize this to him)

Dammit! Those steps are NOT for everyone. Sometimes they DO NOT work even when you work them. (i did not verbalize this either)

Why do people get SO defensive about the program when it hasn't even been attacked? It was as if he was fearful that something else MIGHT work. If ANYTHING helps an addict/alcoholic live a fulfilling life of happiness and does it without harming others, shouldn't it be explored and cultivated?

Why didn't he answer my question? I wasn't attacking but simply was thinking of those that fall through the cracks of the program. What about them? The program is not the answer for everyone so therefore we need more answers.

I thought the guy was cool but I got the impression that by asking my question that perhaps he became uncomfortable. He has been in recovery for 20+ years so I can understand the 12 and 12 being close to his heart. But why so dodgy? WHAT ARE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT YOU OFFER?

I just wish he would have answered my question.
its amazing how much music can change my mood...

my roommates and i have been trying to out depress eachother with random songs. this game has pretty much left me in a shitty mood :(
Today is Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 10:24 PM here in the Philippines.

Today's song, is a song that has been driving me crazy for a good year now. They have been playing it here in the Philippines for some reason, along with a Deep Dish "Dreams" video that is not shown elsewhere as well! The first song though, "Are We Having Fun Yet" by Fat Boy Slim, AKA DJ Norman Cook of England is abslutely bananas.

They have this half assked video show that is on only in the overnight, and since we all get up at day break it is the thing to watch , for me, most mornings. The Fatboy video is alive shoot on Impanema in Rio, a beach I partied on, though sadly not in 2008 when this video was shot!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwgFZvcWLoo

So, I was in Davao as I was saying, I could not wait until early the next morning for our convoy to roll past once again so I hightailed it after getting my visa restamped (need more pages soon, shit!), to National Hiway where I caught the Davao to Butuan Bachelor, the main public bus travelling over the eastern half of the island.

Riding buses here can get you killed in a number of ways, usually bombs and slightly less often, robbery and gunshots are aclose second.

Awhile back I was talking about the cliff just opposite the 1001th IB Base, back when the Blofgs first started, saying it was truly the most beautiful place I had ever laid eyes on...A poster asked for pictures which I do need to get, but I also promised him at the time that I would soon tell an interesting story about that cliff and so here it is...

About 4 years ago, while Rizza and I were back in Israel, our cousin's father, a Sgt. in the AFP, the army was travelling from his base in the south of the island, on abachelor Bus heading towards San Franz.

Then, like now, that area was infested with NPA.

The bus was travelling about 10 PM, and got flagged for passenger pick up (there are no real stops as such, you simply flag to get picked up, and tell the conductor when you need to get off if it is between the stations, etc).

As the bus pulls onto the shoulder on the cliff, an NPA platoon moves into a tight permiter,surrounding it with rifles, mostly autos.

Our cousin's father was not in uniform but his ID, his kitbag, and his general demeanous would have him pegged. Now the NPA tends to keep POWs if not taken in direct engagements but up until about 2 years ago it was death with no chance of reprieve.

As the passengers lined up for ID checks aloing the cliff shoulder, our family member moved to the edge, and this cliff drop is an easy 1000 meters STRAIGHT down, though there are lips about
1/3rd a meter out, and assorted bushes and such.

Rather than get executed in acouple of minutes he prayed hard and leaped into the darkness...and then hit a bush!!!

There were no mobiles (cellphones) at that time here, and of course he was not going to be easily spotted anytime soon and yet he stayed there praying. 3 days later, pinning down his route our family knew he had been stopped by the NPA, but also knew that noone had been executed or taken hostage so what to do?

It was late in the 3rd day when tracing the poath they stood looking over the cliffside and by a stroke of G-D's Grace they saw his belt glinting in the waning sun!

He was rescued, and though he left his wife last year, he has lived long enough to see his eldest daughter get married this year here in the village!

Anyway, just another day in Mindanao.

Later I will finish my latest Blood and Guts file, including the latest HRW Report on the extra-judicial killings in Davao City.

It is ironic that anyone even considers whether or not the mayor, Mayor Duterte might be guilty of orchestrating such things given his personal history.

He rose to power in the mid 80s, at the height of the NPA's power, when his neighbourhood, the city's worst slum was literally governed by the guerillas.

He formed an Ilaga organisation I have mentioned in the past, Alsa Masa (Masses Arise) and in less than one year they single handedly freed the entire city of the NPA control!!!

Then President Cory Aqcuino elevated him rapidly, and used him as ashining example of what pro-govt. paras can do if given free rein. Sadly for Duterte, he is now facing inquests into his dropping people from copters over the ocean and other assorted ALLEGED activities. Go figure!

Anyway, I will continue later...
Feeling better today. Was doing some thinking at work. Seems every spring this happens. Part of me dies literally, while another half blooms and comes to life. Seems to be a cycle. Not sure how it will end. Superstitious. Seven of nine lives used. Clock counting down whats left of my time. Have to get handle on whats eating me. For the greater good. Do not want to hurt those around me. Love girlfreind, some family, friends, and Bluelighters.

Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.

Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.

Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.

Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Today is STILL Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 12:10 PM here in the Philippines.

To continue with the last entry...

Several years later both India and Pakistan agreed to a family reunification treaty, and ruled that no matter what circumstances have ensued, and children missing, less than 18 and unmarried, would be returned to their families, no exceptions.

This agreement was very well publicised in both nations and many families had joyous reunions...and then there were others like the case I am discussing...

Mr. Singh had 2 nephews who, until he had fallen in love, had been promised his property as an inheritance. Now denied this modest windfall, they informed the authorities that their uncle's wife was one such person stolen from her parents.

Despite her explanation that her husband had not stolen her, but had instead saved her life from the man who had, she was forcibly removed, along with her 1 year old daughter and taken to a huge and distant transit camp while her family was sought.

Her husband left his home and camped outside the camp, spending every day sitting next to her during visititng hours, as they both cried themsleves into exhaustion.

When her family was finally located after about 6 months, they realised she would soon be repatriated.

Desperate, he pled to be allowed to go with her but as a Sikh, he was categorically denied. Mr. Singh finally cut his hair, which as a Sikh had never been cut and then he formally converted to Islam.

Still, he was denied permission and when, days later she was taken to Pakistan, she sadly left their daughter with her father, not wanting to subject the infant to the grueling journey. Desperately she swore her love for him and promised to return as soon as she was able. He promised to wait, and to safeguard their child.

Months passed and he received no word, until finally he bundled up their daughter and walked the thousands of kilometers , illegaly on pain of death, into Pakistan.

Before she left she had made him promise to remember the name of her family's
village. Leaving their daughter with a Muslim chairity in the capital, he arrived in the village but when he sought information on his wife he was beaten to within inches of his death. Then he was angrily turned over to the Immigration Authorities as an illegal entrant.

Only when he was recovering in jail did he find that on the day the truck had deposited his wife in the village, her family had married her off to a cousin!

He was brought before a justice in his now very serious Immigration case, only to find that his case had been widely reported and throngs were eagerly awaiting all developments. This probablly saved his life, and yet he told the justice that he did not care. He told the justice he had but a single wish and if he was so obliged he swore he would return quietly to India without further burdening the courts.

The justice did not have much choice, he gave the one wish: He had the wife brought to the hearing, and asked her, per the wish, if she knew the man before her. She slowly answered that she did, he was her "first husband."

Then the final question: She was asked if she wanted to join her husband, and she hesitated...nervously fidgeting under the stern glances of her male relatives in a country that even today murders women who dare not obey her male family members unquestioningly. Finally she slowly shook her head and said ,very quietly, "No."

Hey husband moaned but caught himself before collapsing...He then walked over to her and handed their daughter to her with his remaining savings but after looking at her family who began screaming, the wife refused to accept the girl knowing that it would be a death sentence for her now almost 2 year old daughter.

Dejected, he made his way, daughter in hand to the bazaar where he bought a beautiful outfit for the gurgling baby.

Then he finally paid a letter writer to write a short note to his lost love...before finally heading to the capital train station.

Just as the train back to India pulled in he grabbed the babyand jumped under the engine!

Although he was killed, by a true miracle the little girl was not even scratched!!!!!!

It was after his body was recovered that the note he had written was finally read...These are the actual words:

"My Dearest Love, sadly you chose to listen to the multitudes, yet they will never tell you the truth. I always told you the truth. I know you have rejected me but I have one last wish: If you would be so generous as to allow me to be buried in your village cemetery? In this manner you might sometimes choose to visit me, and place flowers on the memoury of the man who lived and died for you. I desire only to be close to you..."

Look, I will not lie, as indeed I have never lied here nor have I lied much in all my life. When I was reading the book, and the revelation of their marriage ended on a happy thought, joy found amidst incredible suffering, longing and lonliness. Some 600 pages later it tells us what became of central characters, among them this couple.

So, when I then read about what happened after, with her forced repatriation and the tragedies that followed I literally felt as if the breath had been KICKED out of me, I cried for a good 5 minutes.

I have been struggling so much with the problems I now have with Rizza, and when I found out how the poor man had his happiness ripped from his soul, well let me merely say that I understood his pain more than I care to get into at the moment.

His death rallied many Pakistanis, and he had many hundreds of mourners when the army , by public demand, tried to inter his body in his wife's village...and yet the village males who were almost entirely the wife's family, came close to armed insurrection over the issue as they saw it as a challenge to their control of their womenfolk. Sadly this caused the army to relent and instead they interred him in a specially nuilt shrine back in the capital.

Still, her family desecrated the shrine and the man's remains.

This in turn sparked terrible outrage, as hundreds of Muslim men then stood guard over the refurbished shrine for along time after so as to prevent a repeat desecration.

I will continue...
Today is Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 10:00 AM here in the Philippines.

I have been listening to Vocal Trance as I often do, it being my favourite genre of music.

My latest obsessions?

French DJ David Guetta, is a decent enough bloke but when he hooked up with JD Davis on the vocal portion he was mad! Davis sounds like Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan BEFORE the heroin knocked out his voice, though Gahan is still certainly fine enough to listen to any day of the week.

The song? "The World Is Mine," the Extended Mix, just came out this past October, and with a full on video that is easy enough on the eyes.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nShfIgOZRf0

The following, like the Marly piece in my recent entry, is also a slamming song from 1994 (Hey! It happened to be a decent year for me, aside from the American prison bullshit but I will just save that sordid tale for an upcoming "My Life" entry...

The DJs, Benassi Bros sound like they are Israeli by the name, but despite their mastery of Trance, alas they are mere Frenchmen, Dhany, on vocals is a girl I do not know much of anything about, other that she is still on the scene since I do remember seeing her on a 2007 Ultra compliation.

"Hit My Heart" actually has a real video, easy on the eyes as well as the ears.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQNcf6d_TIA

Reading wise, I actually was finally bold enough (and trusting enough of our security scheme on the compound) to take a trip with one of our convoys moving south, once again moving rice into ARMM, the Autonomous Muslim Region of Mindanao which is the semi-autonomous part of our island...As I said a while ago, the Recession has forced us further afield in our rice trade as we try to even out the expected drop in our traditional market.

Anyway, I rode in a 10 wheeler to move us through all the Check Points much faster. Had I been in my usual place, riding with the security SUVs we could have had major problems once we got halfway through ComVal Province, down on the Targum Plain as we rolled out of the Diwata Mountains.

At that point we would be well past the 1001 IB Base, and ergo past the point of facial recognition. Seeing a white face with an Ilaga rice convoy armed to the teeth could get hairy or at the very least take all day to accomplish.


As we crossed thr Davao City line I disembarked as the convoy stopped for the halfway point urine break, which in Philippine terms also means gads of sticky rice and soft drinks since I have rarely met a Bisaya or Illongo who has a yen for less than 4 full meals a day when they can ibtain them.

It was the perfect place for me to get out since it was about a klick north of the TFD (army Task Force Davao Security Check Point). It is possible to get permits for our gunmen to move woth their weapons through Davao as long as they stay in transit but like all else here to requires alot of wheel greasing, i.e. BRIBES.

So, instead, thw security detail skirts the city lines while the convoy stays on route, meeting up again just shouth of the city line, as do most convoys moving that far south abd these days many do...

I took a jeepney to the Victoria Mall, for a visa renewal (Immigration is just across the street) as well as a much needed mall break.

I was able to buy one of those Tom Clancy tactical biographies, this one about former USMC General Anthony Zinni.

Unbeknownst to me, Zinni had spent quite abit of time in the region, especially when he headed anelement on Okinawa, back in the mid 80s which also happens to coincide with my first times here.

However, he was on Luzon, the largest and best known of the islands and home to Manila. It was also at the time, home to US Installations like Subic, Clarke and a third, much smaller base near Subic whose name slips my mind at the moment.

He talks about having to head upa protective detail in an NPA infested district near Sagada (rebel country at the time, inLuzon), after a transport copter running an AID detail right after a typhoon flipped into a marsh.

They finally managed to tow it out witha 2nf Huey, but the heavier model, and then lost it over the China Sea before reaching the Carrier they were delivering it to!

He says that his element took some jungle craft training from Negrito guides that used to contract with Clark as Guides against the NPA during the Counter-Insurgency Deployments.

"Negrito," as one suspects means "'Little Black" and is the general term used to describe the pygmy like aboriginals who are the eaiest residents of SE Asia.

In Thailand, Mynammar/Burma and Malaysia they are nearly extinct but here they manage against great odds to survive in ever dwindling populations.

Here they are very rare, and are so deep in the bush that not even the guerilla bands come across that many...though I guess witha group living naked in the jungles, and having more than 20,000 years experience in their environments, you would not see too many unless they wanted you to.

I also picked up a few 2008 issues of the "New Yorker," the weekly literary magazine from America.

Lately though, I have been haunted by something that I have been obsessing about since finally finishing the book I rewcently mentioned, "Freedom at Midnight." The book by Larry Collins and Dominique LaPierre is a non-fiction account of the Independance Era of India and Pakistan, with a heavy dealing with Ghandi.

I could again talk about how fucked up old Mahatma really was but instead I am once again thinking about an actual event that took place in the Punjab right at Partition.

As some here undoubtedly know, Muslims moved from India to Pakistan while both Sikhs and Hindus left Pakistan for India , though India of course retained a very sizable Muslim population even after that point and into the present.

All groups engaged in incredible violence against one another and as is often the case world over, neighbour fought neighbour and here to fore friend making the violence all the more depressing and incredible.

As Indian Muslims moved through Punjab on their way to Pakistan, Sikhs engaged in the worst violence against them. Among this violence were the expected rapes and mutilations.

A poor Sikh farmer in Punjab named Boota Singh was working his small plot, on aday much like the rest of his 50 plus years: Hard at work and all alone since he had never been able to find a wife and family of his own.

Hearing screaming and smelling smoke he looked up from his plow to see a female Muslim teen being pursued by a torch wielding Sikh who was thrusting his traditional dagger at her in pursuit.

Singh stared in shock as the screaming girl begged the old man to help save her life...

The girl cowered behind Singh as her pursuer apprached cagily...

The old man stared at the much younger man and calmly asked him how much would it cost to nuy the girl. The young Sikh was suprised but named an astronomically high sum of 1500 rupees, a fortune even to an urban civil servant, let alone an illiterate Punjabi farmer!

Singh calmly took the girl into his shack,and returned with the cash and with it he bought the girl's life.

All over the region many such purchases were made but unlike almost all, Singh did not ask anything of the girl sexually or otherwise.

She was so grateful to be safe that she began keeping his house, and slowly he warmed to this unexpected intrusion into his life. He began spending his bit of money on little trinkets, a luxury the girl had never dreamed of experiencing...

Soon they actually fell in love, and with this thrilling realisation they had a Sikh wedding. Afterwards they settled into married life with a previously unknown bliss, a few years later having a daughter!

I will tell the rest in my next entry due to the limited character count allowed per entry...
Sittin in a dunkin donuts parking lot on Route 20 right on the fringe of paterson, I nervously think "Man I gotta bad feeling." My man wants to get high. I rather get outta dodge. We go here all the time he says. Yea but when its light out. At night the boys be coming thru here like its their job.

I still remember that exact quote I said.

I boot him up. Put shit down in my purse, wherever, not put away at all.

About ready to make up my shot, lights come up behind me.

It cant fucking be.

Get outta the car. Hands on the dashboard.

Brick in my lap, 3 twentys of haze right next to it.

Youre goin to jail tonight you know that?
He looks at me and says im sorry. He knows i cant afford this. He knows i already got arrested twice this year, once on some serious jail time able offenses. He knows how it was supposed to go. that id only cop if he handed the money and held the shit so even if we got stopped, i wouldnt get in trouble. we had a plan and in two minutes that plan got fucked. in two minutes that plan was layin on the side of the road like a piece of red plastic from a busted out taillight. In two minutes im right there with him leaning on the back of the car. His look speaks more words than volumes stacked on top of each other. I know youre sorry. Dont you wish you woulda listened to me? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. the chant beats in my head over and over. if i just woulda did wat i knew was the right thing. But i slipped and now its over and now im fucked and I dont know I dont know I dont know...........

Back of the car, cuffs on, i manage to eat one of the bags that is still accidentally on me from trying to shove it down my pants in the less than a millisecond i had to try and put shit away. I wiggle out of the cuffs and dispose of the 2 bags i have in case they search at the precinct.

Sitting cuffed to a bench while i hear them grill my man for information.

Good, baby, i think, as I hear him feed them totally wrong information about blocks that aint even dope spots, telling them he cops there, that he just sees whosever out and picks up off them, no numbers. Good baby good.

Youre goin to jail if you wont go in the car with us tonight and help us make a buy.

I guess I have to go to jail then huh.

Oh babe I love you so much I knew you wouldnt snitch under pressure you didnt give them shit.

Unlock, release, a pile of sneering good ol boys behind a plexiglass buletproof wall in the front lobby, slurring the numbers while giving me the number for a taxi so that I cant understand the meaning of them, and then laughing at me. Na-sevvatwee, twee fo wuh sebbana tweefore.

A fuckin white guy who spoke perfect english before. I know damn well he can say those letters. actin liek he got a stutter or some shit. All his boys behind him laughing in on the joke. Tell the lil junkie bitch who just got out of lockup the number but make her sweat for it. laugh at her frustration. 973 341 7934. A cab will be there in ten minutes.

Thank god they left me with my lighter and cigarettes.

The taxi shows up and takes me and him back to the spot the car got left at.

We turn left and right and get on the chirp. go buy 3 more bundles and get higher than we ever been. Hello march, month of court dates. I am afraid of wats comin.
Work in few hours. Need to ready things for Easter sale. Got new type of respect for Manager.

Hungry. Had some pasta and meatballs. Made doctors appointment for Tuesday. Thinking cut off of Suboxone too soon. Doubt doctor will do anything. Need to find doctor that has no qualms with prescribing narcotics. Not seeking drugs. Just desire some sort of maintenance program for opiates and something for anxiety and sleep. Only matter of time before pick up dope habit again. Been thinking lately as to why I use. Reason is self medication. Lots wrong with me. Pain. Insomnia. Anxiety. Bipolar. Chronic fatigue. Over active thyroid. Opiates do trick to alleviating symptoms. Funny though, never was about getting high for hell of it. Always was a reason. Just like everything, always a reason.

Going back to sleep in a bit before getting ready for work later. Glad to be working Easter. Don't have to deal with family all day. Grandmother passed away few weeks ago, only reason I went to family events. Really no reason now to celebrate holidays.

Also skin on legs hurts. Went tanning. Used hair removal cream. Left on to long. Girlfriend thought funny.

Thinking about what I did yesterday. Was selfish. Was in bad mindset. Not sure what to make of it all though... Gauged height wrong or got lucky. Hobbled away with severe bruising, bleeding, and dislocated bones. Feel like hit by car. Still hurting like cunt. If still Guido, would go on about being Immortal Emperor. Not though. Need some sleep. Need some Tylenol. Need to change bandages on legs.

Feeling better as night goes on. Not sure why. Becoming happier deeper the night goes.

No need to worry Bluelight. Will be sticking around for while.
Yesterday left work early without telling boss at 9:00am. Was beautiful day. Blue skies. Full sun.
Drove to the cliffs few miles from house. At least 100ft give or take a few high. Stared in awe at beauty around me. Wrote letter. Left in car. Stood at edge of cliff wind in hair. Did not take Suboxone that day. Shot 2 bags of dope on the edge of forever. Perfect feeling. Perfect rush.

Leave rest up to reader...

Ended up in hospital with dislocated feet, knees, and thighs...

No matter what. Can never succeed...

Happy I was able to pick up phone and talk to girlfriend when she called that evening.... Did not give shit about parents.

Not sure what to say or think about situation.
I'm starting to feel as if I'm finding my way in life. =D

I'm really not sure what sparked this growth, but I'm content with the smoothness of everything lately. I've started to get back in meditation, awareness, and Alan Watts. Perhaps it is that?

I'm also starting to see the picture clearer with regards to my "future." Grad school begins in August, and I hope to graduate in 2 semesters, then be done with my formal education. After that, I look forward to leaving the United States (forever?).

I haven't used any psychotropic substances for almost a year, but have just come into possession of a cactus that looks rather inviting. I'll probably plant one and sacrifice the other... Who knows what mysteries will be revealed then.

This summer looks like it will be spent in Baltimore, living with 2 close friends in a space that I've already deemed "The Aware-ium" (a portmanteau of awareness and aquarium ;) ). This space will be modeled after the Leary/Alpert mansion in NY... Another opportunity for impermanent spiritual and intellectual growth!

So yes, before I jinx things, I'll return to my chamomile tea, drone zone beats, and general contentedness.

Hope you're feeling the same %)
So who am I and what am I these days? I'm off all drugs, except painkillers and eventually I'm gonna have to kick. I just keep putting it off. My fuckin tooth feels like someones got a mini blowtorch up against my damn nerve the past 3 days. I went to dentist Fri AM for emergency visit, but everyone in the office takes off Fri and comes back Monday. Great. I left a message, they called me back so I have an appointment on Wednesday, but damn this hurts like hell. I really don't want to call the dentist whos been very nice and patient with me regarding payments, so it's like "let's not do shit to piss him off." The pain is manageable under the influence of my painkillers, but when they wear off...it's OUCH FUCKING CITY!

I got an email from my girl. I'm glad she is all right. I told her I don't like the idea of her getting the crap beat out of her by her son and just what the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Call the cops? Will she hate me for shit I know they will find when they do come? Do I let her die? Fuck, I HATE having my hands tied like this. Aimee may be a dope fiend, but besides being my friend who I happen to love very much, she is NOT a piece of garbage that the cops and the rest of society just want to throw away. No way. Sigh. She's no more a piece of garbage than I am. We have our flaws, but we have the good in our souls if anyone bothers to look.

Fortunately for me I still feel loved by God, myself, my family, more than ever, just a bit sad and confused at times. I still go to NA on Fri nights, but skip out on all the other activities and meetings because I feel like a bit of a hypocrit and I'm not a dishonest person. I no longer go around claiming to be 100% squeaky clean, people just assume, but I obviously cannot pick up my 3 year NA birthday in December. My family will understand, so long as I NEVER get busted for meth again. As for meth, it was sooo lovely, but at my age (yes I feel the kick and come down off dope WAY more now than 2 and 1/2 years ago) less is more! 1/4 gram will do me and only every other month.

Still, the last time I scored with Don, he was an idiot. He waves the baggie for the world to see in the car instead of keeping it down like anyone with half a fuckin brain! If he goes down, he's got nothing to lose. I on the other hand, no more car, no more home, no more career. Ever. Again. So it's not worth putting myself in situations like that and if I have to, well then, it's better to do without. I've always had to hustle my ass to pay rent, pay my own way, whereas Don, he merely lives at his girlfriend's place. There will be no getting my professional license back should there be another bust for meth, or any other drug. Mom would kick me out and this time I really would kill myself.

So is a lousy 1/4 gram really worth all that? I think not. I wanted to get one the 2nd week of May, when I have 3 days off work, but only if it's in a situation where I go directly to the source or the source delivers to me. I guess that means stick to the painkillers and go easy on them. It's a bit awkward for me because I'm no longer clean, but no longer the chronic die hard meth head dope fiend I used to be either. I don't even want to be. So I sometimes feel like I'm stuck between the using and the clean world, not really belonging to one or the other. Still, the fact is, I only want friends that will love me unconditionally as I do them. That's why I've loved Aimee and Linda so much after all these years because in spite of whatever flaws they have, they have shown me that, and I have shown that to them too. That kind of love is hard to find.
I'm down in Durban at the moment, on a bit of a sabbatical- get my head out of the grind up country.

Took a drive past my old haunts, not thru the town, its not a safe place. I drove down to the beach and took a walk along the boulevard. Fithybeachfront now, here and therebits of the old town stood out, shapes of places that have changed to many times, like eyes popping out at me from the walls, winking here and there before closing and dissapearing back into the faded paint. Do you remember here?

On occasion there would be a slice of a memory or two, sometimes just an old feeling stirring around below, sometimes nothing at all.

I miss what it was, it has changed so much now. Visited a friend too and we talked about the old days as if they weren't only 4 years ago.

Even here I'm restless, im not done, there is still so much more I can do and wan't to do, but is it too late now? I don't know, all I know there is an itch under my skin and seeing the old town has just put that fire back, or at least lit the spark, almost every time I have been here, flown in from the airport, got a sodding toyota yaris that smells like pee, i have played to a crowd, sometimes small sometimes big.

I realised today that most of what I missed, most of the memories of the old town were not of 18 years ago, they were of last year, 2007, 2006, 2005, not so long ago. The fire still leaps from the corner of the streets, small sparks waiting to catch.

I'm glad I came back, more than anything it has reminded me of what I want.
My landlord wants to sell the place I'm living in. That's cool but he wants me to move all my boxes out that contain EVERYTHING I own so he can show the place.

Ummmmm, I don't get it. Show the place after I move out. Its kinda like he's saying "You can live there but you can't have any of your stuff there while you do."

My stuff does need to go into storage eventually but what the fuck? There is plenty of room here for my boxes so thats where it will stay. Why pay for a storage place when I don't have to.

I gotta start lookin' for a new place FAST.
Yesterday left work early without telling boss at 9:00am. Was beautiful day. Blue skies. Full sun.
Drove to the cliffs few miles from house. At least 100ft give or take a few high. Stared in awe at beauty around me. Wrote letter. Left in car. Stood at edge of cliff wind in hair. Did not take Suboxone that day. Shot 2 bags of dope on the edge of forever. Perfect feeling. Perfect rush.

Leave rest up to reader...

Ended up in hospital with dislocated feet, knees, and thighs...

No matter what. Can never succeed...

Happy I was able to pick up phone and talk to girlfriend when she called that evening.... Did not give shit about parents.

Not sure what to say or think about situation.
Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....

................

Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.


"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."
Working really does get me out of funks I get into when unemployed. it's crazy really, I've only been working for 3 days but still this is the best day I've had in months. hahaha this is great, I'm probably the happiest I've been in 90 days or more =D=D

and PAYDAY is tomorrow! finally no more borrowing money from people to get my car gassed or to buy dr00gz or anything! I can buy my own gas and my own dr00gz! woooohoooo!

I recently read through Guido/Rorschach's blog and I see that he is very happy as far as him and Anne go. that makes me glad, I like Guido but I wish he would cut out the Rorschach speak honestly, thats kind of annoying. I like his personality not a comic book character's.
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