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I'm down in Durban at the moment, on a bit of a sabbatical- get my head out of the grind up country.

Took a drive past my old haunts, not thru the town, its not a safe place. I drove down to the beach and took a walk along the boulevard. Fithybeachfront now, here and therebits of the old town stood out, shapes of places that have changed to many times, like eyes popping out at me from the walls, winking here and there before closing and dissapearing back into the faded paint. Do you remember here?

On occasion there would be a slice of a memory or two, sometimes just an old feeling stirring around below, sometimes nothing at all.

I miss what it was, it has changed so much now. Visited a friend too and we talked about the old days as if they weren't only 4 years ago.

Even here I'm restless, im not done, there is still so much more I can do and wan't to do, but is it too late now? I don't know, all I know there is an itch under my skin and seeing the old town has just put that fire back, or at least lit the spark, almost every time I have been here, flown in from the airport, got a sodding toyota yaris that smells like pee, i have played to a crowd, sometimes small sometimes big.

I realised today that most of what I missed, most of the memories of the old town were not of 18 years ago, they were of last year, 2007, 2006, 2005, not so long ago. The fire still leaps from the corner of the streets, small sparks waiting to catch.

I'm glad I came back, more than anything it has reminded me of what I want.

My landlord wants to sell the place I'm living in. That's cool but he wants me to move all my boxes out that contain EVERYTHING I own so he can show the place.

Ummmmm, I don't get it. Show the place after I move out. Its kinda like he's saying "You can live there but you can't have any of your stuff there while you do."

My stuff does need to go into storage eventually but what the fuck? There is plenty of room here for my boxes so thats where it will stay. Why pay for a storage place when I don't have to.

I gotta start lookin' for a new place FAST.

Yesterday left work early without telling boss at 9:00am. Was beautiful day. Blue skies. Full sun.
Drove to the cliffs few miles from house. At least 100ft give or take a few high. Stared in awe at beauty around me. Wrote letter. Left in car. Stood at edge of cliff wind in hair. Did not take Suboxone that day. Shot 2 bags of dope on the edge of forever. Perfect feeling. Perfect rush.

Leave rest up to reader...

Ended up in hospital with dislocated feet, knees, and thighs...

No matter what. Can never succeed...

Happy I was able to pick up phone and talk to girlfriend when she called that evening.... Did not give shit about parents.

Not sure what to say or think about situation.

Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....

................

Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.


"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."

Working really does get me out of funks I get into when unemployed. it's crazy really, I've only been working for 3 days but still this is the best day I've had in months. hahaha this is great, I'm probably the happiest I've been in 90 days or more

and PAYDAY is tomorrow! finally no more borrowing money from people to get my car gassed or to buy dr00gz or anything! I can buy my own gas and my own dr00gz! woooohoooo!

I recently read through Guido/Rorschach's blog and I see that he is very happy as far as him and Anne go. that makes me glad, I like Guido but I wish he would cut out the Rorschach speak honestly, thats kind of annoying. I like his personality not a comic book character's.

Check it out

Ive been working pretty hard on improving my life since quitting meth. Its over 6 months now. Im doing pretty good, but still fall into stupid thinking patterns and start reliving things that have happened in the past.

I dont know why I let people I dont talk to anymore get into my brain. I dont know what upset me more today- seeing Mel banned or ?for some reason? My message to her removed.

Thats all just silly. Why would I even have concern that someone I know got a lot out of this place was banned anyway? Is it a big deal to her? Why would it be to me ?

Why am I thinking about this, its easter and Ben is here and we are enjoying the time we have together.

Oh well. She will probably be one of those people who Ill always wonder about, whats going on with them, if they are happy. Was bound to happen one day.

I wonder about too many people when I should just forget them and live for the now.

the wind outside is cold and when it picks up speed, howling through the trees and blowing the leaves and the dirt from the unpaved road around, branches on the oaks and the maples and spruces native to the area wagging up and down, side to side gently, violently, moods and attitudes and opinions of the earth changing and shifting around constantly, it's easy to imagine that nothing exists outside of where i am, right now, at this moment.
i consider what it would be like to be the last surviving human in an entire planet covered in a forest inhabited by animals who can't talk back to me, argue with me, insult me, judge me, hire me, fire me. write me letters of recommendation. deny my loan request. an entire world of creatures who either fear me or don't fear me, want to eat me or don't want to eat me and who definitely don't have some silly desire to be my friend.

the sun has been setting now for what could be an eternity but is probably only a moment or two. glowing lines of sharp light cutting through the empty spaces where branches and trees don't overlap each other, letting in some view of the skyline, a reminder that there is life outside of where i am and watching the sun set i'm glad for the impending darkness attempting to smother me with some sense of calm.

podia, i say out loud into the air blowing in my face, drying out my eyes, looking up towards the trees rumbling where they stand, trying to uproot themselves and then, ser melhor. podia ser mais mau the trees cackle back, laughing, holding their fat bellies and pitying me for reasons i think i'll never understand. i climb into my car and fire up the ignition. continue traveling on down the road.

There's so many things that make me just want to give up on "friends." Am I really so forgettable? Why do I even keep bothering?

My 40 days are almost up and to be honest, it pretty much flew by. Though I'd attribute that to being extremely busy more than I would to it being easy. I mean, on one hand, it was as easy as you'd expect not smoking weed for 40 days to be. But I won't lie, there were days when it was really, really hard not to scrap the whole thing and get super stoned. The days when other of life's challenges got the best of me and I missed my old buddy weed terribly. But I committed to this endeavor and I intended to see it through.

Having done so (almost), I've concluded that weed is a positive presence in my life. Nothing so quickly and easily takes the edge off from a rough day at work or a difficult situation. I'm sure D missed me having it for just that reason; stress can make me very irritable! Also, I was no more motivated than I am when I'm smoking daily and in fact, when it came to things like cleaning and doing homework and writing papers (which I'm doing way too much of lately), I was far less inspired. And I did find I was drinking more to compensate. Not on a daily basis, but at parties or when hanging out friends and I far prefer weed to alcohol in just about every way. So, bottom line, I'll be glad to have it back.

There is a Good Friday celebration planned, complete with my new favorite z pizza, an ice cream cake, and the reemergence, from the depths of the closet, of my beautiful bong.

Yes I do. I enjoy this emotion. It is the only one I've felt since going back on my meds

Tramadol makes me one happy mother fucker, but I'm already taking too much. Over a gram in 24 hours. I've never had a seizure before when I took that much all at one time. BUt the mood stabilizer I'm on is used also to teat epilepsy. So I'm far less worries about it. I'm not having any jerks or anything like I did now and then before.

I'm just chasing that high. I just can't seem to get high enough! I've missed this drug so much and I can't get as fucked up as I want. I nod out, but the euphoria just isn't there as much as I want. I would love to have Sean here just to hold me close and touch me and maybe pet my hair (that feels so good). But I think he might be upset that I'm getting back into it. Like I've said he always wants what best for me and he doesn't like me abusing drugs and running the risk and pain of getting addicted.

He talked to me the other night. He wants me to do a cleansing on the old house that he is moving in. I think maybe I've have exposed him to too much paranormal information, true stories. So I'll have to say a few prayers and burn some sage for him. I guess it leaves a blank slate and is good for new beginnings and he needs that. And even if it just has a placebo effect on him that's great.

I get to see Sean tomorrow! He is having me come over to watch a movie with one of our favorite actors in it. We just couldn't wait until the weekend to see each other. We talk pretty much everyday. I call or we text. Its really great to feel so imp rant in some one's life. I appreciator him so much, and really with everything goin on, and how scared I was that Sean would leave over Michael it worked out for the best. I can see that I don't need or even want him in my life. People can only hurt me ifI don't let them. Hence getting Michael out of my life and adding a few people to my ignore list. If I react to it and then they get what they want. Its sad that they have to pick on someone who has mental disorders that she didn't ask for. Its not my fault but I have to try to get better.

Well I keep nodding out like every 2 minutes. I'm worried that I might fall asleep, but not yet. I've had quit a bit. But I'm still able to write this and make sense I think...lol

Although I am well aware that this person is suffering greatly (it is evident by his words and actions). I want him to suffer more.

I have done nothing to encroach on his tiny world and yet he attempts to belittle me. A complete stranger to me has gone so far to instigate me towards actions that would make his actions justifiable.

I ignored this stranger's attempts. Only this time.

I want this fucker to feel REAL pain. I want this fucker to lose what is important to him. I want this fucker to live so that he can feel pain every day. I don't want this fucker to sleep. Sleep would be a respite to his pain.

I want him to fail and hurt.

I did nothing, nor will I pursue the HORRIBLE thoughts I think.

He is hurting enough I suppose. It isn't up to me to decide whether it is an acceptable amount.

I am extreme, I know. Pain, pain, pain. There isn't enough that I can think of that would suffice.

Its not up to me but I wish I could be a fly on the wall when his pain is the greatest.

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

Work tomorrow. Really don't want to go. Not feeling good. Cold, tired, sick of it all. Feeling alone and disillusioned. Almost done with Suboxone detox. Down to half a pill twice a day. Will be looking for new doctor afterwards, need long term maintenance. Dose I was on two weeks ago perfect. Had a taste of normalacy and stability. Loved it. Won't let it slip through fingers.

I've been doing lots of figure drawing this month. My abstract / doodle work has sort of taken a back seat. I'm not totally sure how I feel about my figure drawings. The process is both frustrating and rewarding.

I get easily overwhelmed by the amount of 'detail' the world and the model reveal to me -- the contours, cross-contours, the shadows and lights, the texture or patterning on the skin, the 180º panorama of the model/backdrop/studio she's in. What I mean is, I sometimes have trouble deciding exactly what my line is rendering, let alone if my lines are 'matching up' with whats 'really there.'

It's hard to draw the details of hands , toes , knuckles from 12' away also. I suppose its a matter of scope. Above all I want to make an interesting drawing, but I am always aware of realist versus stylistic choices I'm making.

John Doe wrote: > Hi sexy.....I hope you remember what I look like?...you are one of the sexiest woman I have ever made love to. Dont ever change or lose your passion and beauty which is inside you.....and your external beauty is lovely also. > Love n hugs

March, 2009, 8:41 AM
> Sweetheart, I've got 2 say that i love wot the years have done 4 u. I am turned on even more. If it ever works out that we can have a nite or 2 alone, then I'm urs 2 do anything we want 2 do. How may i pleasure u? Thinkn about sending waves of ecstasy, orgasms rockn ur body gets my pussy wet and my nipples hard. I'd love 2 love u again and again xoxo Your, Jane Doe (hehe)

John Doe wrote:
> So baby I would love to pleasure you as your master for more than just a night....I would love to enter the depths of your mind and release the woman inside you that I adore...to release your desires in passion and beauty and to express it through your body...through every nerve ending through every fibre of your body and then to enter your soul and for you to allow me to go there to make love in the sweetest and most secure way and to trust and give yourself to me totally and surrender to me so that I make love to you by fucking your brains out and for you to feel me as part of you when my cock is inside you and for you to hold my cum in you aftrer I have released it inside you in loving union..........
> You are beautiful and special baby..xxxxxx


So the short letters above give an idea of the kind of lover I haven't had in exactly 8 yrs. I'm keeping my mind set on cyber only, but we were together in real life for a week 8 years ago. Since my affair with John Doe, there hasn't been anyone since him that communicates to me that way, romantically, passionately, not just lustfully. Just the cyber and emails are sweet enough for me, although he has said repeatedly he is going to come out here as soon as he can. I loved the way he treated me before as a lover and sex partner and I am finding out that sensuality, romance, and lust are not gone from me. I've only been with 2 other men that were as attentive as this one is, long before John Doe.

I told him I no longer have my full capacity of physical beauty that I once had, though I didn't go into why. So I liked his older pics, dunno if he'll like mine, but this is the body I have right here, right now. So if he doesn't like it, I will understand. It just feels kind of like a high, opening up another sensation I've not had in so long: sexual pleasure with someone that takes his time. We keep having frequent conversations though and he's told me a few things he must do with me, I've never done. No one has ever asked me to keep my eyes open the entire time we're making love, but most especially right at the time of orgasm. I guess I did it once with him 8 yrs ago. It was different, but how does one go about doing that? I've practiced closing my eyes so long, even during masturbation, its a reflex for me to close them.

He said 8 yrs ago and is saying again now how he wants to see the surrender in my eyes right before releasing myself to him, and he to me. I always thought it sounded soo sweet, but I told him no one had ever asked me that. I'll have to learn to do it his way somehow. lol. I was very touched before at how attentive he was and I still am. Just hearing him tell me somehow makes me experience it all over again and again in my mind. At this point, that's all it is, a matter of him turning me on so much mentally. I wish everyone else knew that or was at least willing to be taught. I've almost always been the kind of person that is attracted first to someone's mind over how he looks physically.

He can be butt ugly, but over time if he's got something special between his ears then thats all she wrote as far as I'm concerned. I do appreciate physical beauty as well, but for me the mental has to come first. He had made some mention also of how he'd love 4 me 2 swallow his issue, but he said, "But I noticed before, u didn't like to do that." Funny how after all this time, he's the only person I finally ever openly and honestly discussed with. "To be completely honest, the reason I didn't do it b4, is because 2 this day that something I still haven't tried." The thought of that used to gross me out, that's why I never did it, even with the man I was engaged to marry.

"Hell John, I guess ud think by now I'd know, but thats another first. I don't know how, just one gf told me she took her bf's cock all the way 2 the back of her throat in order 2 do that. I feel like a 15 y/o. You're going 2 have to show me how." "Nnooooo. No deep throating baby, ul gag. I just want to put the tip of my cock, rest it halfway in ur mouth, u just swallow in one gulp that way." "Ok baby as long as u dont mind that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, then ok. That would be very embarrassing to be caught gagging in front of u, and that sure doesn't sound very pleasant 4 u." "There is nothing embarrassing about making love. Nothing you should be ashamed of."

"Well u sure managed to pick a lot of firsts for me John." "Have you made love in any woods since we did?," he asked. "No, no woods. Another first and probably last on that one too," I said. Whatever little sex I did have since him has been relatively boring and mundane, if you can even call it sex when the other partner can't keep a woody. I am so turned on and so loving the way John is treating me and talking to me. I love how sweet he was before, very giving lover. This is the only reason why I will even try 2 do something I've always been queasy about. The open eyes too is WHOA!

I've always been shy that way about covering my face at the end of sex, either by my preference in position, from behind, or its 2 dark 2 really see, or if not close my eyes and sometimes cover my face. That right there just told me I'm feeling as if my vulnerability is being exposed and still uncomfortable with the idea to be completely honest. Wow. I don't want 2 see such intense emotions bare naked on my face, because now that I think about it, I've always felt that way. Sadly a word just softly popped into my mind, "protection." Those were barriers I had between myself and to prevent others from hurting me. Condoms were another physical barrier I always used....the exception being John and my ex fiance.

I got tested 4 everything, he did too, but he had been the first 8 yrs ago in a long time to have me bareback, all natural. I was the first person who tried back door as well. I had been very nervous. It was on my last day in Dublin and I dressed up in a French Maid outfit and pretended to be crashed out on top of the bed before it was time to drive me back to Dublin airport. I would not have wanted 2 do any of this if anyone else were asking me for it, all the "its" he's asked me for. Also, on an emotional level this swallowing business feels very intimate emotionally, in fact not doing it is a way to help make sure I keep a lid on my feelings. He's an affair, not a life partner. I've unconsciously all along had these barriers in place to keep me from getting my heart tore up any worse than it might.

I am going to have to have a very honest chat with him about this, because he is being so intimate, but what's gonna happen if I let all these barriers down and I don't want him to leave? I think it's a good thing though that I was completely honest with him. I would have avoided discussing issues that I wasn't quite comfortable with or sure of. It really DID feel good 2 just do it for once instead of go all shy and retreat. I'm tripping on all this shit I just now consciously learned and became aware of about myself.
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Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....

................

Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.


"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."

Laying in bed last night with my girl's warm naked body pressed against mine, her dog snuggled tightly between my legs and my boy snoring loudly on his doggie pillow was nice.

Its morning now, 'M' left to run errands and scramble to make a doctors appointment so that her son can be 'authorized' to play one of his sports (not sure which).

I'm sitting on the sofa, watching TV and her cocker spaniel is laying next to me sleeping peacefully. I don't think he can get any closer. He's quite fond of me and it feels good that something so innocent trusts me.

My big Akita is laying on the floor, relaxing. He's quite expert at relaxing.

On our walk this morning, it was comical to see my 110 pound dog walking next to this tiny cocker. They are good friends. Her cocker tolerates my old pups incessant eagerness to play and my boy tolerates his tendency to snuggle close to his guardian.

Yes, this is the life.