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I had just a great weekend. Sean doesn't quite understand I'm I'm suddenly so in love with him. We came through the thing with the ex so well. MY ex even said tht he said with me, he didn't love m,he just didn't want me to off myself. That was just meant to hurt me. Sean pointed out that all he wants to do and ever has done is hurt me. Perhaps he decided to leave when he started talking to this new girl. Sean knew that I would chose him over talking to my ex. He acted like he forbid it, which bothered me. I prefer that he talked more like he gave me a choice.

But we communicated and he really opened my eyes. When I talked to my ex he threatened to block me and never talk to me again, even as a friend. I was filled with that fear again. Sean would NEVER do that. Often he will hug me and tell me he is not going anywhere. I actually have come to trust him. I can't even tell you how much that means to me as a person that suffers from BPD. I'm afraid of being abandoned and left. I know he won't give up on me and that is a HUGE step for me. He said that since we are coming up on 3 months for us, and hes coming up on his longest relationship...I can't believe that since he is 27 and all but he says that the women always left him.

Really I can't believe that. He has shown me how wonderful he truly is. I guess I wasn't able to appreciate it until I ran into the asshole of my ex. I realize how good he makes me feel. He is there for me, supports me and makes me feel good about myself. We balance each other. He has come in closer to me and even though he knows I love him and he isn't able to say it....he is very cautious and reserved and feels that it is overused. But when I wake up in the morning next to him and I look into his eyes and he smiles I can see the love in his eyes.

Honestly the scary fight made me appreciate the blessing that I have in him. He says that he is just happy that he makes me happy because it makes him happy that I am happy. Follow that one? lol. He spent the weekend being so sweet and loving and telling me I'm beautiful. He is excited I'm on a new medication that will help me want to eat. I need to get healthy, that is what we are going to call it to avoid negative self talk. He actually covered up up the mirror in my room so that I would quit looking at myself and saying negative things. He said that I need to get healthy and he is excited about how good I will look, but he says I'm already beautiful but I will become even more so. He is right, I need to get healthy.

We had a great weekend even though we woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was a growl bear and was kinda nasty, but I forgave him, even before he said he was sorry. But he told me it wasn't my fault, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and the stores (we went to get his hair cut and go shopping) didn't carry anything worth shit apparently.

I can't believe I didn't see how blessed I am to have him. We are so good together and we can get through anything. I have finally let go of my ex, through his help. He didn't want to talk about it, he hates him. But he let me talk about how he hurt me AGAIN and how things will work out and I deserve better and I do. I am actually in a healthy relationship and its strange. I'm with someone that cares so much about me. He seeks my best interest no matter what, no his own...like my ex. He doesn't ever abuse me in any way. He rarely says hurtful things in anger. But anyway, I consider myself very self-less and giving, but since he cares about me, I benefit. He can be very logical and that helps me since I'm often so illogical. He is such a blessing. He just somehow knew that I would get better from my mental illness and saw the person I truly am underneath. I believe I am a really good person really. I care so much about people. He says that he just loves to be around me when I'm happy.

I'm so glad the medication worked. I didn't need an anti-depressant, although that was the main issue. I needed a mood stabilizer so I'm not all over the place. I'm sure he is glad I take my meds.

Its funny, we spent the weekend Sat and Sun together and we already miss each other. He wants to see me on Wed. An hour after I left he said he missed me and it was hard to let me go...how sweet is that?!

He even said that he is going to start taking care of his OWI stuff and pay off the fines, without me saying a word about it. Hes keeping his room clean, said he wanted to and it was nice that I didn't even complain. I figured he would eventually, and it has even stayed that way. I'm so happy with just about everything. Plus the sex is just great. We have gotten in the habit of shared showers. Really there is nothing more sensual and nice than having him wash me down. Although after shower sex negates it a bit. lol But oh well. He can make love to me or get wild. He just feeds off my energy. I was worried that when I left my ex that sex wouldn't be good, actually its better.

Oh I can't believe I put up with the ex. I'm so over that. Sean treats me SO SO SO much better and I'm so thankful. He just says that he is glad I'm so happy when he is just being himself and I love him for the way he is.

**went to get ready for bed**
So if I repeat myself that is why.. lol

Idk Sean makes me feel good and then that goes into everything else in my life and I kinda wanna take care of myself more. He says once I get healthier he is going to have to beat guys off with a stick. It kinda worries me because I don't want attention from guys really. I've been stalked a few times in my life but I can't let that rule my life, I guess. My ex was always trying to change me, don't wear that, don't wear that make-up, what is up with that outfit? Sean will tell me the looks he likes and often ones I like the most but I don't HAVE to be like that. I even feel comfortable not wearing make up or anything. And he WANTS to give me affection, with my ex I often had to plead for it and often be told I'm smothering him. Now I can do that with Sean, but he does show that he WANTS to be close to me. Plus my ex would kick me out when he got tired of me, even when I had moved in after he asked me he kicked me out because "I was around too much." Hello I live there. Sean can spend days with me at a time and not be tired of me. So this is what a healthy relationship is like, I LOVE IT! I deserve it. My ex treated me like shit. I had to always give in to what he wanted in fear, Sean gets upset if I cower in the corner and give into everything. He wants me to get my needs me and be assertive. Isn't that wonderful. I know it may seem strange to some that I think this is so great huh?

He will be moving at some point to his brother's. It will be a change not living with his parents. Although they like me and mine like him so us staying the night together doesn't bother them. I can't believe we have only been together 3 months on the 16th of this month. It just feels right. It feels like a lot longer. Often it feels like we live together on a trial period, and it will be even more so when he moves because we will be alone more, I can be there more and we will need to g shopping and do laundry and dishes together. I don't mind, I'm a good gf.

We talked on the phone the other night and I helped him find stuff on the Resident Evil 5 game. it was fun, plus I made him brownies, which he LOVED. I earned our local radio station's Monday morning man card for being such an awesome gf. Video games, food and sex, what else could you want? Sean said nothing.

Turns out I am on a mission to make it to the big show, once complete I may die, and my next life begins, and i'll and be with my soul mate, at last and forever! I'll try not to ejaculate in my pants when the time comes. Am I some sort of schizopath burger? Yes! Do I see infinity in a grain of sand? Little bit.

Part One

It all started when I began to see 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, repeating digits in general all too frequently when I looked at clocks and timers. My roommate pointed out to me that he had been seeing it a lot lately, and so I began to pay attention. I noticed little unconscious jerks in the back of my mind telling me it's time to snap my head and look at a clock. I began getting it constantly. He thought it was weird at best, and after enough times of me pointing it out I felt he had declared it me watching the clock. All alone in my little ego bubble I spun out of control and went schizoaffective. I was hearing voices. I remember the first moment I was jolted out of meditation by a woman's voice whispering "we're watching you" in my ear. I needed the answer. I needed the answer! I was confused. If I couldn't recover I would kill myself. I knew I had something important to do and people needed to take me seriously. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being schizophrenic I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself!

Walls closing in. The sky is falling and I am sober. I'm hallucinating and I am sober.

Did I break my brain when I had that most blissful mushroom trip? The one where I figured out where I was going to be a filmmaker? The one where the other told me I would make a good filmmaker? It was my first contact with the other, a few months after I had started noticing synchronicity, it was absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. Then the next morning it was absolute realization of the absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. I'm schizophrenic now, gotcha.

Then after a lot of social isolation and studying psychology I found myself on three hits of acid writing in my journal how I'm basically insane and this is my last ditch effort to get out... Yeah... Yeah... Not gonna happen. So much fucking tension in me. I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. This is too good. Why can't I just calm the fuck down? There's my problem right there, it's all in my fucking body, why can't I just get rid of it!? Maybe I need it.

What is it? It's some mysterious energy. Some Kundalini serpent thing moving through my body.

It's the sickle cells in me.

I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. What are these thoughts I'm thinking? Are they mine? They don't sound like mine. Wait a second, what am I writing? Why did I just write "And a serious problem it is... And this is where I bring it to an end. [WHAT THE FUCK!?] Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." I remember now. I remember when I was on 2CI several months ago, typing something on my computer when I lost control of what I was typing and accidentally typed something like "Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." because this weird kundalini snake thing was using my fingers. I remember. I'm on the fast track. Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo. Hello Other. I love you. You're scary.

Wow. My heart is always going a mile a minuite because I can see the goal line. It's in my sight.

But I need a miracle to bring it back so here we are.

2012...

Oh my God.

So I guess I know my assignment! Gotcha. Sorry about all the mess.


Part Two

So here we are. We have the telepathy. We are at the next step of human evolution.

Who is we? We is many people. Many other people. Not the voices in my head. Turns out the voices in my head were people and ghosts in and around my neighbourhood, and of course "the other".

Yup.

Turns out I'm more of a schizoid schizotypal sociopath type, not so much a schizoaffective type. Turns out I wasn't talking to other versions of me. It's true. I asked them.

Yup.

One day at 4:00 in the morning, on drugs, I came into telepathic communication with my soul mate, Jamie. The woman who used to live in my appartment before she got evicted for all the crack. We are artists. We are filmmakers. We are musicians. We are. We. We are at the same place. We are on a mission. We are in a beautiful wonderland that was not meant to be. Jamie, I love you, please kill me. When are we going to meet?

To anybody who's reading this who has a death fetish, don't worry, it's okay. So does everybody. To anybody who's reading this that doesn't have a death fetish: you're lying. Stop it. It's beautiful. Stop running.

Death is an illusion.

We'll prove it.

Watch.

Jamie's dead. Jamie just left a dead body in her parent's basement.

Jamie, I love you, please kill me. It was supposed to be me first.

Turns out I'm not schizophrenic. Turns out it's telepathy.

Yup.

When are we going to meet? In our next life, at last and forever! Where we will do film.

But for now we are two souls wandering this earth until The Big Show. You can use my body when you need it. I'll just near death it on heroin like my neighbours have been successfully doing. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out i'm not schizophrenic. But we can't use crack for the body swap. The ice is too sharp. So long as this body doesn't die.


Part Three

So Osborne Village is telepathic. Whoops, that's what we get for playing with all sorts of crackmeth psychosis. To be awakened to telepathy you have to put a stimulant or psychedelic in your system or have a certain level of autism and be in a hotspot or in the presence of somebody of a higher level of consciousness, somebody who can peek through your third wall. My friend Sam first looked into my mind while travelling in the hypnagogic state during a sleep over when we were children. Whoops, that's what we get for being all sorts of... 2012.. uh... uh... The memories were repressed a little, but after we had met again and I had absorbed his contact high several months ago while I was still under the impression that I was talking to the voices in my head I had completely recalled them. By the end of the night, his contact high entailed a long, detailed conversation over telepathy and all sorts of fast moving, complicated, telekinetic healing.

The tool EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which involves a tone pulsating from one ear to the other and a pulsating left/right visual or tactile input, usually used for decompartmentalization of thoughts and belief systems can alternatively be used for inducing a temporary schizophrenia-like state by looking to the alternate side of where the tone is playing while under the influence of pot, a stimulant or psychedelic. During and after the session you are more open to telepathy. People can project themselves into the room, visually, using objects scattered around the room. It's sacred. We're gonna bring it to music and light shows and sickle cell lock you on the dance floor.

The woman who discovered the extra special side of it, our mom, a brilliant psychotherapist, is not in her original body, she killed herself looking for a cure to the schizophrenia. Whoops, she found it. And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. We used your good sickle cells, we used your good autism. We spread good cheer throughout the neighbourhood. You'll reincarnate somewhere.

I could feel her calling us all toward some center, in osborne village, before I was awkakened and in tune to telepathy... around the time I was lost in a daze of repressed memories. We are lost. Can you come find us? Put us all back together?

Are you the room with all the dead bodys in it? Nope, I'm just practicing EMDR on a psychedelic. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out I'm not schizophrenic are the ones with the opiate at the moment. Whoops. Who put the word I in there? The one doing all sorts of schizophrenic get to the heroin orgy part. Whoops, who put the word schizophrenic in there? I wanna poke a needle through it. Just like that reference to the telekentic healing. I'm freakin' out... I'm freakin' out! Nah not really.

And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. And we broke it. Whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops.... whoops... whoops....

...

whoops.

Get to the 2012 part. Get to the big heroin orgy part. Get to the death part! Where I will be all sorts of crescendo!

whoops.

im in a tiny fantasy
one that has so delicately slammed me against the wall
it's painfully joyous
and a devastating thrill

caution has been thrown to the wind

yeah so this thing gets a lot of use huh? hahaha

well I'm bored at the moment, and the lounge is slow as fuck since the recent purge of all the fun people. so I guess I'll post here.

well I tried the whole counseling thing, didn't really work out for me. I think I just need to find a steady supply of suboxone and quit on my own time. cause that place was bullshit. I've been out of work now for a long time and shit it gets depressing after about 2 months, you run out of money and you're constantly borrowing from people or doing whatever you can to get a few fucking dollars. plus having a heroin habit doesn't help in the slightest. I've calmed down quite a bit with it, down to ~1 or 2 pills at the most a day. only because I can't afford more, but whatever take it as it is. I hate being sick, but doing something shitty to get well doesn't feel much better. ugh, this is why I hate this addiction shit so much. its fun up until this point. every time I quit I get to the point you know 2 or 3 months clean and you're bored and you've got some cash. so I get high. and I'm like oh fuck yeah I remember why I liked this shit so much! then I get back into the cycle and 2 or 3 months later I'm here. out of money, sick every day except for maybe 10 hours when I scrounge up 15 bucks for gas and a dope and usually its not even that long cause the shit lately hasn't been good at all. god damn life sucks sometimes....

but enough about me. oh wait... this is all about me.... well I'm done then. if you've read this, hope you enjoyed it and if you don't use heroin. don't start, for serious.

deleted

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

It's almost official, I will be in Australia for 2 weeks around end-June, beginning of July.
I need a LOT of info from those of you who happen to find yourselves down-under, I'm a clueless tourist ;-) I'm (apparently) going to be landing in Sydney with the chance of being there for 2 days, then moving on to Brisbane. Would LOVE to meet up with anyone who is anywhere close (or even far away) from where I'm going to be.

deleted

I decided that I'm going to eat meat again. It's been over 14 years now. I've been anemic most of that time even though I do take iron supplements. I think mixing some meat into my diet could help strengthen my energy level which I think would do wonders for my mind.

I gave up meat mainly because I just didn't like the taste of it. That was when I was 14 though, I know some of my other tastes have changed since then. I just don't know how to re-introduce meat into my diet. About 6 years ago I took one bite out of a roast beef sandwich and got super sick. My digestive system isn't used to meat. I'm going to have to research it some and see what other people have done, so I won't get horribly sick.

the pale skinny redhead running like she owns the world lacking any impaired judgment, skilled in manipulation, god-talk, detachment, yells whenever nobody's listening and with the perfect fiance, methods of stress relief and plans for the future she inhales, exhales, approaches oncoming traffic and

Whenever I withdrawal from opiates.... I always resort to inhaling massive amounts of Nitrous Oxide to satisfy the immediate rush that IV'ing heroin gave me. Yes it's not the same buzz exactly, but it works for me!

In this my upcoming blogs I would like to write down whatever comes to mind as I become intoxicated on the substance mentioned in the title.

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how am i able to do this with one hand??? fuckin whit an wctual whipped cream maker/canister. worth the $30-$40. plus you can load k xjnkmmls@@@@\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\rru if cat

so up n down i got

UP: disclaimer-- sometimes i black out to sorry if i don't ctually write anything

I just tried on these shoes and they're super comfy.



I came home and found out that they're 50% cheaper on Ebay (unworn). I might have to splurge!

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

I really can't bring myself to post everything. Even high its too hard. Lets just say I talked to the ex and he hurt me. Stupid me went crying to Sean. Now it looks like I am likely to be dumped. Some would think that it would only be the BPD that I don't want to be rejected and abandoned but its so much more than that. I don't want to lose someone I love! Someone that can make me happy when nothing else does and my whole world is falling apart. I MUST forget about the ex. Somehow. Sean won't stay with me if he is in my life because all he does is hurt me. OF course he don't want to be second to him, but also he wants what is best for me. All my ex has ever done has hurt me. Spent more time miserable than happy with the ex. I have told Sean that I have deleted everything and I won't be speaking to him again, but Sean just says "Yeah until the next time" How can I prove that I'm serious. I don't want to lose him! Any ideas?

Um too worked up for this. I cried a lil earlier but 200mg Tramadol, now scripted (evil smile, all I do is ask for it.) I'm not now but its really hurting.

I can't believe that my ex is still taking my happiness from me. Well damn it he can't do it if I don't let him.........but it may be too late.

I had a dream last night where I met an Aunt, probably the one I had the most real relationship with - a widow, and a real nice, hearty, funny and tough woman.

In the dream I met her when she knew she was going to die and I said goodbye to her, and gave her a hug and we laughed about something for awhile.

It was very powerful and very real. It almost was real.

Of course, in real life, I never did say that to her. And I missed the flight to be there for her funeral.

Note: I posted this in my old BL journal before it fitzed out. I actually wrote this in my Moleskin journal (I rarely write on it...only when the mood strikes...) and so I'm copying it here again in my beloved blog.

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I have a very anticipatory kind of personality. It is a little bit exhausting to have one's mind constantly fleeting from one thing to another, barely finishing what I'm doing , barely relishing the gratification I am in all probability ignoring from the present act, and my mind is already anticipating the next cigarette stick , the next DVD viewing, the next toiletry shopping spree, the next meal, the next book.

The act of planning, planning, planning, having the mind in perpetual motion, like pages of a book flipping ad infinitum. This is where I get my pleasure...the looking forward to something and not the actual deed. I can be doing something I'd planned just a few minutes earlier, and already my mind is dashing madly to the next chapter. Impetous rushing, snap snap snap of tabs in my mind, invisible ink barely dry on imaginary lists, my endorphins crackling like mad at the endless woosh.
This is what gives me (transitory) pleasure.

It also means I am a good multi-tasker but that's getting ahead of myself. The downside to that is I also have the tendency to "wing it" whereas if I immersed myself completely in what I was doing I could also derive fulfillment in being focused and truly "living in the moment."

Enneagrams Sevens dash frantically from one new experience to another, too scared of disappointment to actually enjoy themselves. It is no surprise that their ego-fixation is PLANNING.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate and reap some level of enjoyment in most everything I do. I just with I could be better at it, and have the discipline to focus my thoughts and mind on the task at hand completely and consistently.

I meditate regularly so that's a good step, I think.

Focus and one pointedness of mind is my goal and I have succeeded in doing so at differing points of my day to day existence (especially at work or when I have to be responsible and in charge.)

Just wish I could silence the incessant planning in my head at will

(see I lost myself again..)

Oh...I just love this one.

Today is still Saturday, April 4th, 2009 and it is now 2:46 A M here in the Philippines.

NPA, the Communist insurgents (only ones now) have been active as usual. After the Operation I talked about at length, where they govt. pulled back to draw the NPA out of the bush, etc., it was much quiter than usual.

Over the last 2 weeks it is beginning to return to what passes for "normal" here.

First, on the case of Rebylyn Pitao, the 21 year old daughter of amajor NPA leader in Davao , who was herself kidnapped, raped, tortured,killed and then mutilated...

After the quick discovery of her body, her father, Ka Parago (nom de guerre) appealed for patience and decried vingilantism and asked that calm heads prevail. Parago ga ve the military the names of 13 men he believed directly involved in her tragic death.

Most are members of the MOB (Military Intel Battalion) of an unspecified Infantry Battalion, of the 10th Infantry Division. There are 2 exceptions though. One is from Recon Company in the
1002nd IB, and the other a regular infantryman from the 72nd IB.

9 of the 13 have been interrogated both privately and in public in front of the CHR (Commission for Human Rights) that is meeting in Davao.

On 3/21, Parago's group abducted a21 year old woman of their own! She was seized, from her home, in Paquibato District in Davao City. She is reputed to be/have been agovt. informer. he is said to be undergoing a People's Court on charges of "Crimes Against the People."

In Gingoog, which is near Cagayan del Oro on the northern coast of Mindanao, the army overran 2 NPA Camps in the bush outside the small city. 1 was alarge camp, as far as "large" exists with the NPA. It had bunkers for at least 100 fighters.

The NPA as I have explained, is Maoist and anyone somewhat familiar with Maoist Doctrine knows that its vision of a military apprattus depends upon highly mobile and highly adaptable bands of fighters.

As usual, no NPA guerillas were taken in the 2 huge raids, and only acouple of rifles seized!

Gingoog was also the site of the NPA Anniversarry Celebration 2 days ago. The festival, if one might call it that, was held in Barangay Malinao.

On 3/31st, just after 12 PM, NPA's Front #89 overran a SS-CAFGU FOB (Forward Operating Base) in Barangay Zamboanguita, Upper Pulangi District in Malaybay City (Bukidnon Province).

CAFGU you might remember is the Civlian Armed Forces Geographical Unit, which is agovernment created and sanctioned paramilitary that only deploys in one's home district unlike Army Proper, etc. which get deployed, as needed all through the nation (7,107 islands!). SS-CAFGU-A is just like CAFGU proper, except that where CAFGU is armed and trained by the Govt, and under its direct operational control , via its subordination to aspecific Infatry Battalion in the Army proper, SS-CAFGU are armed, trained and ordered by private citizzens, usually "businessmen."

SS (hate using that term because of the Nazis, but I suppose that hatred is abit irrational. If it was at all logical I would also hate Volkswagens and German Shepards and of course I do not though I would not dirve the first, nor have the latter), are allowed to take 45 days of govt. armed training and under some circumstances to receive very old Garland rifles (WWII era US arms).

I have spoken about my perhaps forming my own SS but for now I will not get into that.

When the NPA overran the SS Camp, it killed 4 paras right off, and then killed the wife and little daughter of one of the dead paras. The husband was the para Winnie Dumogan, his wife was Helen and daughter Cathy.

The NPA arrived in 2 heavy Isuzu trucks, 1 of which was stolen from alocal businessman who was found shot to death in his yard.

The 29th and 403rd IBs were immediately deployed to hunt down the NPA units responsbile but were hampered due to the extremely remote location of the FOB and unpenetrablre bush off of the jungle trail leading to the Camp.

Within the SS Camp, 8 ead NPA were recovered. 3 others found dead in small village in the bush, along their line of retreat.

The SS was working in tandem with the 403rd IB.

This same SS unit had disabled an NPA aid IED on a busy bridge in the nearby bush village of St. Peter.

In Davao City again, Human Rights Watch (HRW), the famous NGO, is currently (once again) investigating the Philippine custom of "Salvaging," as it is known in English. "Salvaging" is the term for "Extra-Judicial Executions," or more simply: Vigliantism, in the Philippine context anyway.

For example, if you see a thief in a small village market here, you will possibly see them beaten unconscious if he is alocal. If he is a stranger?He will be killed in many instances.

In Gallery here on BL, I sill have a photo of the sign (still hanging by the way) that was erected in in Poblaysion Market (i.e. Main Market). It speaks out against Salvaging but of course was window dressing for yet another of the tiring HR NGOs that was taking some kind of regional tour.

You really have to love these foreigners, in Isuzu or Toyota SUVs with tinted windows, "examining" the "scene" as if they are going to some drive thru (sic) safari.

Interestingly, Mayor Duterte of Davao City resigned his seat as chief of both the local PNP (police) as well as the Army's "Task Force Davao." He says he wishes to avoid any possible conflict of interest.

Duterte came to power as the head of agroup of Salvagers who single handedly drove the NPA out of Paquibato, the afore mentioned Davao District I spoke about abit earlier. the govt had failed over and over but by using massive violence he succeeded. He is now grooming his daughter to succeed him, creating adynasty for his fmaily.

HRW's committee now in Davao is specifically investigating 28 cases of Salvaging, that will be published in areport on 4/7. 19 cases are from the city, the rest from surrounding villages.

One of the cases is of ocurse that of Rebelyn (how could he name her "Rebellion"?) Pitao, the daughter of the NPA's Ka Parago. Parago's men killed a soldier 2 days ago, just as that commission was being seated in Davao.

Here in our wonderful part of the world, 368 NPA men have finally recived their Amnesty payments. Most were rom Bayugan and La PAz, but 3 were from San Franz so...368? That is 2 mobile NPA Camps. So fucking what? I better watch my words though.

In Loreto, a neighbouring village hre, about 9 days ago 1 CAFGU para was killed when the NPA tried to overrun the CAFGU FOB.

On the other side of us, in Surigao del Sur, they have been torching (arson) and a few IEDs but against businesses and not people per se. One interesting episode took place 2 weeks ago when the NPA destroyed a Congressman's poultry operation.

I will have to get to the MILF,MNLF, BIAF, al Khobar, and so on in another entry, perhaps tomorrow (I know you cannot wait!).

Today is Saturday, April 4th, 2009 and it is now 1:49 AM here in the Philippines.

Well, right into the violence here...


First up, Abu Sayyaf AKA "ASG."

The big news is that Martial Law has been declared in Sulu, or to be exact, "State of Emergency." Governor 'Abdursakur Tan said it was needed given the pressure caused by the demands of the ASG faction holding the 3 workers (funny though, when victims are Filipinos, as there are always some , the governor ever felt as much pressure then!).

Those who follow my log, or at least the Blood and Guts files, remember that on 1/15th , on Jolo, 3 ICRC (International Red Cross) workers were kidnapped by ASG.

They had been inspecting the main prison there, to ensure humane conditions for ASG prisoners!!! Leaving the prison, heading back to the port for the ferry up to Zamboanga here in Mindanao they were dragged out of their NGO SUV and into the bush.

They were taken by the strongest Sulu ASG Faction, under Kumander (Commander) Parad and with the cooperation with an allied ASG faction undr Doctor Abu (nom de guerre).

Since I have pretty much elaborated on all the discussions on freeing them in past entries I will only cover the activity that has taken place since my last Blod entry 3 or 4 weeks ago.

An ICRC representative had been involved in the negotiations and found that the man leading the ASG side of the talks was actually a JI factional leader.

JI, Jema'ah Islamiyya, is an Indonesian based Islamic insurgent group, centered in Jaza but now throughout SE Asia. The JI leader talking about the hostages is the leader of aSingaporean faction.

Finally, the Parad faction set a deadline for their demands. If they were not satisfied by 2:30 PM on this past Tuesday, 3/31 they were going to behead 1 of the 3.

Then, early that day, at daybreak, 300 armed ASG fighters were seen moving through the bush just outside Barangay Lipunos in Parang village on Jolo, moving towards Parad's factional camp in Indana village.

Then nothing, no communication at all. No further Proof of Life was forth coming and so the Governor of Sulu declared Martial Law.



The next day (April 1st), Vice-Governor of Sulu, Lady (not a title but her first name) Ann Sahidulla was schedualed to meet with the negotiating team from ASG in a neutral village on the edge of the bush.

Her appointed time came and went. Knowing of the deadline the day before she audaciously trekked on foot, with avery small party into Indanan village!!!

She saw all 3 in reportedly good health, unshackled which is unusual but surrounded by hundreds of ASG fighters. She managed somehow to effect the immediate release of the 1 Filipina captive, ICRC wrker Mary Jean Lacaba, of Mindanao.

Lacaba was taken to the 3rd Marine Camp on Jolo where she was examined in the Military Hospital there, before heading north to Manial to give photo opps for the Govt., as usual.

The 2 males, an Italian and a Swiss are still in ASG custody deep in the bush.

Interestingly (somewhat) the Army tried taking credit for that they called a"Rescue Operation" before it was leake that they were not even within artillery range let alone moving men through the bush. ASG released the woman without any pressure in that vein.

Meanwhile, just a couple of hours ago Parad, the leader of the facton holdng the hostages, said the other 2 still with ASG will be beheaded unless the demands are met soon, though he would not specifi those demands for the jounalist who monitored the phone conversation between Parad and the Filipino Senator talking with him.

Another foreigner, the Sri Lankan NGO worker, Umar Jaleel who works with "Non-Violent Peace Force" (have to love that name, full of contradictions !) is still in the bush, with a an ASG faction on Basilan, which is a small island off western Mindanao and attached to us governmentally.

He was dragged from the home rented by his organisation in Lamitan, on Basilan, on 2/13th of this year.

The 3 grammar school teachers kidnapped by ASG, while at sea travelling from another small island off of western Mindanao, to Zamboanga here on Mindanao are also being held although, sadly, one is said to have succumbed to what are being labeled "natural causes" related to asurgical procedure she had endured just before being kidnapped.

Her family is publicly begging for the return of her body.

Meanwhile, the Army has created aspecific task force for the 3 teachers, "Task Force Bangkaw-Bangkaw" Bangkaw-Bangkaw being the name of the school they taught at on their tiny island.

They have been missing for nearly 4 weeks now. The teacher said to be deceased is Noemi Mandi.

There is a 4th teacher, taken in an unrelated incident by ASG, possibly the same faction but definitely based on Basilan. He is named Quizon G. Freires.

There is amoney-lender named Leah Patris who was kidnapped from her village of Maluso, on Basilan and believed to be held by the faction holding the Bangkaw teachers already mentioned.

A note of hope came2 days ago with the release of a 9 year old boy who had been kidnapped at gunpoint by ASG on his way to buy abottle of vinegar for his mum, in Lamitan on Basilan. He has been held for nearly 2 months. The Govt. of course denies any ransom has been paid.

Back on Jolo, where the ICRC workers are still being held. Martial Law is no easily or hastily convened alert. Ex-dictator Marcos used the status for incredible Crimes Against Humanoty and many people here will never forget that. All police are federal in the Philippines (there are "Barangay Police" but they are akin to "Neighbourhood Watch" workers in the US, etc.).

The Directorof the PNP (Philippine National Police) criticised the decison to call the State of Emergency and warned the Sulu Government not to use the alert as cover for heinous activities, etc.

Sulu, including Jolo are not governed by mindanao, within the same enity per se so that the Martial Law is not extended to us, but to all pointssouth of us.

Still, about 4 hours ago in Isabela, the capitol of Basilan in Plaza Rizal, the most congested part ofthe city (around 8 PM on Friday so it packed with people), a bomb detonated killing at least 4 people, and wounding scores. It was placed in the trash bin of a Jollibee Resturant, our equivalent to a BurgerKing, etc.

Not claimed yet but the entire island is controlled by ASG. There is one MILF Command on the island, actually MILF-BIAF but they are subverted to the largest ASG faction on the island.

If you read me regularly, you will remember that this same spot was hit by a grenade in December, during an outdoor concert in the plaza, sponsored by Jollibee.

Also, this past evening, 6 Marines said to have been killed when their 10 tonne truck hit alandmine planted by ASG in Patikul village in Sulu.

I will cose here and open another entry to continue with the other groups...

I have recently have had a 1 year relationship and on many different terms. Ya know and I had a lot to do with it ending. I am a very jealous person. I let my jealousy interfer with my relationship. This girl my ex new was one of his best friends and they had an intimate encounter many years ago before we had started dating. He had told me this and I didnt think it would be a problem in our relationship until we started to hang out with her. I felt as if she were hitting on him and trying to take him from me. I started to not want to go to her parties. It then got to the point that where we didnt hang out with her at all and i really liked it because i didnt have to worry about her taking him from me.
He then went to jail and was gone for a month and a half. It was the hardest time in the world. Then when he got out he said that he wouldnt talk to her exclusivley and everything would be ok. That he wouldnt talk to her unless she talked to him first. Part of me was happy that i didnt have to deal with the stress of loosing him to her but then again i felt like shit because i was keeping him from his best friend. Not something i wanted to do. but everything was going good until they started to talk. they had made plans to go to coffee and he never told me i had to find out on my own. Then when i asked him about it he said they hadnt made it offical and it was because he owed her money. Well i didnt want to let it bother but it did.. I over analized the situation and made a big deal out of it which ended up me not only loosing my first love but me also loosing my best friend. If i were given the oppurtunity to go back and change things i would if it meant staying with him for the rest of my life.

Any comments feel free to leave them.

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

So here I am at Garrison's once again, this whole week has been a complete trip. I haven't done this many drugs or made this many friends in a very long time. 6.... I took SIX rolls, I have never done this much X my life. Reminds of the summer in Lawton... just making memories, embracing the moment and doing whatever feels right. Awesome music, awesome people, awesome ecstacy. I doubt I will remember typing this, so I am writing to remind myself when I look back to not lose this memory. Music: Shpongle, TOOL, NIN, Aphex Twin, etc. Company: Mista Garrison, Sunne, David, and Chris. We all feel completely perfect..... this spot right now....high, always high.... but such a different high than opiates or benzodiazepines... X makes you forget that you need something else, for a moment I do not feel like an addict. I feel free, not constantly thinking where to get the next pills.... or waking up at 5 to go to the fucking methadone clinic. Just completely in a different state of consciousness. Too fucked up to keep writing anything meaningful or entertaining so.... peace.

(March 28, 2009)

Supposed to have off tomorrow. Called in for 6 hours. Really don't want to go but need money. Strange shock courses over body from time to time. During brief second it last feels like falling out. Possible side effects from reduced Suboxone dosage and steroid regime. Got plans for after work I think. Body aches and chills run over body. Think I have cold, confusing though, cold symptoms for me usually mean dopesick. Not case this time. Still though, sick feelings trigger craving. Arm burns. Not sure what I will do tomorrow in response...

Not able to hang out with girlfreind tonight. She had to much to do around house and has work early tomorrow. Just as well. Do not like her seeing me in this condition. Miss her terribly. Will see her again though.

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