I had a good night at work last night, only the kicking sucks. Sigh. I haven't touched any other drugs for the last few days, and I'm fine. However, I've been trying to get off these goddamned Rx opiates for months, with no success. This is so frustrating. I'm not using because I want to but only because I HAVE to, and I can't tell you how much I HATE that feeling. So, I'm dealing with that. I won't know if the doc has authorized a refill on my Rx yet, but if she didn't, then I have no choice to go back to the tramadol, then Friday buy more Phenocane, I guess.
I so do not want to do this, but cold turkey isn't an option, not when I have to carry out work or some other stupid responsibilites 6 days a week. I've said this 1000 times, but how I wish I'd never touched the tramadol. It got me addicted all over again. I lost my clean time over it, although my sponsor says as far as she was concerned the tramadol alone wouldn't have caused me to lose my clean time in NA, to just shut my mouth about it to all other NA members. The thing is though is that even though I was only taking the tramadol because I HAD to, not because I wanted to, I felt every bit as dirty then as I have ever since the day I crossed the line for real on March 14 with the X.
I have no regrets over the X. It was a sweet trip. I took 4 pills of it over the course of 24 hours and didn't sleep for 36 hrs. I remember how I when Mom called me I told her I loved her. I spoke to Aimee on the phone and told her I loved her. I sent a text message to Erik and told him to meet me in Las Vegas at the chapel to marry, but his phone was broken. Then out of the blue when I got IMs from John Doe, an affair I'd had 8 yrs earlier, I ended up serenading him with all this flowery poetic crap about what a beautiful lover he'd been and how I loved looking into his eyes. I can't really say any of what I said or wrote to anyone was crap, because I met every word.
I never go around telling people I love them sober, much less send them poetry and get all romantic. I had hoped the X and the seraquil would get me over the tramadol kick, but by the 3rd or 4th day into it, I couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still, couldn't do jack shit except feel how miserable I felt. It brought back the reality of what it's like to be a junkie all over again. How I wish it was as easy to simply quit the painkillers without it taking so damn LONG to kick. So, at the point I really don't know what's gonna happen.
I so do not want to do this, but cold turkey isn't an option, not when I have to carry out work or some other stupid responsibilites 6 days a week. I've said this 1000 times, but how I wish I'd never touched the tramadol. It got me addicted all over again. I lost my clean time over it, although my sponsor says as far as she was concerned the tramadol alone wouldn't have caused me to lose my clean time in NA, to just shut my mouth about it to all other NA members. The thing is though is that even though I was only taking the tramadol because I HAD to, not because I wanted to, I felt every bit as dirty then as I have ever since the day I crossed the line for real on March 14 with the X.
I have no regrets over the X. It was a sweet trip. I took 4 pills of it over the course of 24 hours and didn't sleep for 36 hrs. I remember how I when Mom called me I told her I loved her. I spoke to Aimee on the phone and told her I loved her. I sent a text message to Erik and told him to meet me in Las Vegas at the chapel to marry, but his phone was broken. Then out of the blue when I got IMs from John Doe, an affair I'd had 8 yrs earlier, I ended up serenading him with all this flowery poetic crap about what a beautiful lover he'd been and how I loved looking into his eyes. I can't really say any of what I said or wrote to anyone was crap, because I met every word.
I never go around telling people I love them sober, much less send them poetry and get all romantic. I had hoped the X and the seraquil would get me over the tramadol kick, but by the 3rd or 4th day into it, I couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still, couldn't do jack shit except feel how miserable I felt. It brought back the reality of what it's like to be a junkie all over again. How I wish it was as easy to simply quit the painkillers without it taking so damn LONG to kick. So, at the point I really don't know what's gonna happen.
have heard wd are liek heroin and meth together, it certainly doesn't sound like fun.
