So who am I and what am I these days? I'm off all drugs, except painkillers and eventually I'm gonna have to kick. I just keep putting it off. My fuckin tooth feels like someones got a mini blowtorch up against my damn nerve the past 3 days. I went to dentist Fri AM for emergency visit, but everyone in the office takes off Fri and comes back Monday. Great. I left a message, they called me back so I have an appointment on Wednesday, but damn this hurts like hell. I really don't want to call the dentist whos been very nice and patient with me regarding payments, so it's like "let's not do shit to piss him off." The pain is manageable under the influence of my painkillers, but when they wear off...it's OUCH FUCKING CITY!
I got an email from my girl. I'm glad she is all right. I told her I don't like the idea of her getting the crap beat out of her by her son and just what the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Call the cops? Will she hate me for shit I know they will find when they do come? Do I let her die? Fuck, I HATE having my hands tied like this. Aimee may be a dope fiend, but besides being my friend who I happen to love very much, she is NOT a piece of garbage that the cops and the rest of society just want to throw away. No way. Sigh. She's no more a piece of garbage than I am. We have our flaws, but we have the good in our souls if anyone bothers to look.
Fortunately for me I still feel loved by God, myself, my family, more than ever, just a bit sad and confused at times. I still go to NA on Fri nights, but skip out on all the other activities and meetings because I feel like a bit of a hypocrit and I'm not a dishonest person. I no longer go around claiming to be 100% squeaky clean, people just assume, but I obviously cannot pick up my 3 year NA birthday in December. My family will understand, so long as I NEVER get busted for meth again. As for meth, it was sooo lovely, but at my age (yes I feel the kick and come down off dope WAY more now than 2 and 1/2 years ago) less is more! 1/4 gram will do me and only every other month.
Still, the last time I scored with Don, he was an idiot. He waves the baggie for the world to see in the car instead of keeping it down like anyone with half a fuckin brain! If he goes down, he's got nothing to lose. I on the other hand, no more car, no more home, no more career. Ever. Again. So it's not worth putting myself in situations like that and if I have to, well then, it's better to do without. I've always had to hustle my ass to pay rent, pay my own way, whereas Don, he merely lives at his girlfriend's place. There will be no getting my professional license back should there be another bust for meth, or any other drug. Mom would kick me out and this time I really would kill myself.
So is a lousy 1/4 gram really worth all that? I think not. I wanted to get one the 2nd week of May, when I have 3 days off work, but only if it's in a situation where I go directly to the source or the source delivers to me. I guess that means stick to the painkillers and go easy on them. It's a bit awkward for me because I'm no longer clean, but no longer the chronic die hard meth head dope fiend I used to be either. I don't even want to be. So I sometimes feel like I'm stuck between the using and the clean world, not really belonging to one or the other. Still, the fact is, I only want friends that will love me unconditionally as I do them. That's why I've loved Aimee and Linda so much after all these years because in spite of whatever flaws they have, they have shown me that, and I have shown that to them too. That kind of love is hard to find.
I got an email from my girl. I'm glad she is all right. I told her I don't like the idea of her getting the crap beat out of her by her son and just what the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Call the cops? Will she hate me for shit I know they will find when they do come? Do I let her die? Fuck, I HATE having my hands tied like this. Aimee may be a dope fiend, but besides being my friend who I happen to love very much, she is NOT a piece of garbage that the cops and the rest of society just want to throw away. No way. Sigh. She's no more a piece of garbage than I am. We have our flaws, but we have the good in our souls if anyone bothers to look.
Fortunately for me I still feel loved by God, myself, my family, more than ever, just a bit sad and confused at times. I still go to NA on Fri nights, but skip out on all the other activities and meetings because I feel like a bit of a hypocrit and I'm not a dishonest person. I no longer go around claiming to be 100% squeaky clean, people just assume, but I obviously cannot pick up my 3 year NA birthday in December. My family will understand, so long as I NEVER get busted for meth again. As for meth, it was sooo lovely, but at my age (yes I feel the kick and come down off dope WAY more now than 2 and 1/2 years ago) less is more! 1/4 gram will do me and only every other month.
Still, the last time I scored with Don, he was an idiot. He waves the baggie for the world to see in the car instead of keeping it down like anyone with half a fuckin brain! If he goes down, he's got nothing to lose. I on the other hand, no more car, no more home, no more career. Ever. Again. So it's not worth putting myself in situations like that and if I have to, well then, it's better to do without. I've always had to hustle my ass to pay rent, pay my own way, whereas Don, he merely lives at his girlfriend's place. There will be no getting my professional license back should there be another bust for meth, or any other drug. Mom would kick me out and this time I really would kill myself.
So is a lousy 1/4 gram really worth all that? I think not. I wanted to get one the 2nd week of May, when I have 3 days off work, but only if it's in a situation where I go directly to the source or the source delivers to me. I guess that means stick to the painkillers and go easy on them. It's a bit awkward for me because I'm no longer clean, but no longer the chronic die hard meth head dope fiend I used to be either. I don't even want to be. So I sometimes feel like I'm stuck between the using and the clean world, not really belonging to one or the other. Still, the fact is, I only want friends that will love me unconditionally as I do them. That's why I've loved Aimee and Linda so much after all these years because in spite of whatever flaws they have, they have shown me that, and I have shown that to them too. That kind of love is hard to find.