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4/17/2009
So we go back to her place, I end up buying one shot only for $8, but there was no baggie to put it in 4 me 2 do later. I did it there, came home and crashed shortly afterwards anyway. “Girl, I’ve had a little too much fun, my finances are too low. I CANNOT do this shit anymore until May,” I said. “I understand, but it’s always around if you need a break,” she said. What I need is a break from the meth. No more. So, I was surprised to hear from her the next day telling me I MUST go down there and meet the connect who has some REAL good shit. Don got on the phone, “This stuff is awesome.” “I’ve already spent too much money on the shit,” I said. I could hear him chuckle. Goddamn it. All right one more $20 bag if it’s good. Aimee made good on her promise and gave me a direct hook up with her guy who did have some good shit. Because I’d helped them out one way or another financially, probably totaling $70 in the last 2-3 wks, they offered a couple times to get me high for free, meaning heroin. I told them thanks, but I’d stick with the meth. Well since they didn’t have their own stash of meth, they hooked me up, which was cool, in fact better because when I’m down there and I’m high, I tend to help them out more than I should and I told them it had to stop.
They get free rent, and as Aimee explained to me she’s never had to pay a bill in her life. Her mother and grandmother saw to that, but that handicapped her. She’s never had her own place, all her shits been taken care of for her. Of course, there is a flip side to that. I’ve seen first hand how controlling her mother and grandmother are. I love Linda to death, she’s my friend too, but she can be a giant pain in the ass as the garage is Aimee and Don’s room, but Linda brings her tweeker friends to party in the garage whether Aimee wants them or not. In other words, practically no privacy at all. And as much fun as the party pad is, both of their stuff is ALWAYS getting ripped off. “Girl, there is NO fuckin way I could handle that. Hell this isn’t even my place and it pisses me off, these assholes invading your territory stealing your stuff, fuck that, I’d be gone.” She can’t lock the garage because it’s not her house and she doesn’t pay rent. Linda has her own room. She can take these unwanted intruders in HER room, I said. Linda doesn’t want to do that because her own mother barges in constantly, and there are 2 doors to her bedroom, neither of them even close all the way. I have always required a great deal of privacy, so there is no way in hell that would work for me.
But, the matriarch of the house does not see any need for anyone to have privacy, therefore barges in along with the rest of the world whenever they feel like it. Whoa! Hell even in my heaviest meth shootin days, only a select group of fiends were allowed in my apartment and if I didn’t want company I didn’t answer the door. I kept my stash and my valuables in the master bedroom only, my room, no one went in there without me present, if at all. I can’t even begin to imagine the bullshit Aimee and Linda go through. Linda wants to let all the homeless tweekers and dope fiends come over all the time, even though she gets ripped off constantly. She’s not all quite there. Her brain has been fried from numerous years of either alcohol or meth abuse and she’s 64. So, Thursday morning, I left the drug den, told my friends, “Do NOT call me to buy any more shit guys. I’m broke. I’m done. And I do NOT need another damn habit once again to support, ok? If I don’t cut this shit off now until my vacation, I’m totally fucked. I’m heading home, gonna chill out, my muscles are sore, but talk soon ok?,” “Ok, take care, feel better, Tanya.” Aimee came over gave me a big old hug and kiss. They knew what I meant. Give me another week doin this shit every day, then I might as well kiss my career, my car, my home goodbye and go back to the joyful existence of being broke on the street, running from cops, Christ FUCK NO!
Aimee is without a doubt the most fun girlfriend I’ve ever had and I was touched when she referred to me as her best friend more than a few times. I haven’t had too many girl friends that stuck around after getting married, having kids, or all the other shit that most women do, unlike myself. I’ve always been single, never did the baby thing. Came close to marriage twice, but most of my peers have had a couple divorces and or kids by now and that whole Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blue Normal was never my gig. Obviously if I ever did marry, it would have to be a most unconventional marriage and I don’t see anyone I might ever be married to, except for maybe Erik. Erik, like myself is unconventional as well, otherwise our relationship wouldn’t have worked. We have an unconventional thing/had from the get go. It was sweet of Aimee to offer to let us shack up at her place, that would save us from spending all that money on a motel. “Why spend money on a motel when you could spend it on drugs?,” she asked. She has got a definite point. Still, we can play it by ear, however guaranteed there is no privacy whatsoever at her place, even for her. I would like Erik to myself for one day if he doesn’t object, which I doubt. Like me, he tends to prefer company one on one, at least that’s how it was when we were in the apartment.
My friend John saw me on line and asked to see me on cam. “Damn it!,” I thought to myself. “Ohhh John I don’t have any make up on,” I said. “You look pretty naturally. But I don’t want you lookin at my stomach, I thought. Christ here we go. I don’t like that the camera makes you appear 12% heavier than you really are, so I’m like, ohhhhh all right, saying it as a groan. All my friends are going to find out eventually anyway, so (grumble grumble grumble) let’s get this over with. “I think you're hot!,” he said. I laughed out loud and shook my head. “Hey you have a nice ass!” What 2 times in one day, you’ve got to be kidding. “It’s well padded as you can see,” I said. “I don’t like stick insect women. A woman should look like a woman with curves, tits and ass.” “You’ve come to the right woman cause I got plenty of all that and then some,” I said. A wee bit more stomach than I’d like to be sure, BUTT hey I’ve got what I’ve got and I feel like I’ve finally accepted that this is what I’ve got so practice liking it. That’s 8 people that have given me compliments ever since my attitude adjustment, and dressing differently, overweight or not, so there it is.
Aimee wanted me to try on a sexy black bra that looked a couple sizes 2 small for me, so I removed one of my massive tits, then the other, no longer producing milk as I saw Aimee’s did. In my late teens to mid twenties, I’d constantly be playing with my nipples when no one was around, and eventually little drops of milk started coming out. Getting them sucked on a lot or played with manually apparently produced milk sometimes. My milk dried up when I lost interest in sex in my late 20’s in favor of drugs, but I was curious as to how her milk would taste. She squeezed one nipple, a big old drop came out. “Do you mind if I try?,” I asked. “No go right ahead,” she said. Slightly salty, watery, but not unpleasant taste kind of like my own tasted years ago. She squeezed the other nipple and expressed another large drop for me to taste. “So why do you have milk? Is Don always sucking your tits or something?,” I asked. “No, I’ve had milk ever since Cody was born.” That was 17 years ago. I kind of wish I’d produce milk again. The cyber sex with the X/meth really somehow reawakened my sexuality with a vengeance. Erik please don’t be upset with me? I haven’t had any dick in 8 years, this is driving me NUTS!! I’d forgotten how intensely pleasurable sex can be either masturbation or cyber, and arousal by cyber sex is simply being turned on by someone else’s mind. I need to have someone other than my own to be turned on by to help me relieve this sexual tension.
So we go back to her place, I end up buying one shot only for $8, but there was no baggie to put it in 4 me 2 do later. I did it there, came home and crashed shortly afterwards anyway. “Girl, I’ve had a little too much fun, my finances are too low. I CANNOT do this shit anymore until May,” I said. “I understand, but it’s always around if you need a break,” she said. What I need is a break from the meth. No more. So, I was surprised to hear from her the next day telling me I MUST go down there and meet the connect who has some REAL good shit. Don got on the phone, “This stuff is awesome.” “I’ve already spent too much money on the shit,” I said. I could hear him chuckle. Goddamn it. All right one more $20 bag if it’s good. Aimee made good on her promise and gave me a direct hook up with her guy who did have some good shit. Because I’d helped them out one way or another financially, probably totaling $70 in the last 2-3 wks, they offered a couple times to get me high for free, meaning heroin. I told them thanks, but I’d stick with the meth. Well since they didn’t have their own stash of meth, they hooked me up, which was cool, in fact better because when I’m down there and I’m high, I tend to help them out more than I should and I told them it had to stop.
They get free rent, and as Aimee explained to me she’s never had to pay a bill in her life. Her mother and grandmother saw to that, but that handicapped her. She’s never had her own place, all her shits been taken care of for her. Of course, there is a flip side to that. I’ve seen first hand how controlling her mother and grandmother are. I love Linda to death, she’s my friend too, but she can be a giant pain in the ass as the garage is Aimee and Don’s room, but Linda brings her tweeker friends to party in the garage whether Aimee wants them or not. In other words, practically no privacy at all. And as much fun as the party pad is, both of their stuff is ALWAYS getting ripped off. “Girl, there is NO fuckin way I could handle that. Hell this isn’t even my place and it pisses me off, these assholes invading your territory stealing your stuff, fuck that, I’d be gone.” She can’t lock the garage because it’s not her house and she doesn’t pay rent. Linda has her own room. She can take these unwanted intruders in HER room, I said. Linda doesn’t want to do that because her own mother barges in constantly, and there are 2 doors to her bedroom, neither of them even close all the way. I have always required a great deal of privacy, so there is no way in hell that would work for me.
But, the matriarch of the house does not see any need for anyone to have privacy, therefore barges in along with the rest of the world whenever they feel like it. Whoa! Hell even in my heaviest meth shootin days, only a select group of fiends were allowed in my apartment and if I didn’t want company I didn’t answer the door. I kept my stash and my valuables in the master bedroom only, my room, no one went in there without me present, if at all. I can’t even begin to imagine the bullshit Aimee and Linda go through. Linda wants to let all the homeless tweekers and dope fiends come over all the time, even though she gets ripped off constantly. She’s not all quite there. Her brain has been fried from numerous years of either alcohol or meth abuse and she’s 64. So, Thursday morning, I left the drug den, told my friends, “Do NOT call me to buy any more shit guys. I’m broke. I’m done. And I do NOT need another damn habit once again to support, ok? If I don’t cut this shit off now until my vacation, I’m totally fucked. I’m heading home, gonna chill out, my muscles are sore, but talk soon ok?,” “Ok, take care, feel better, Tanya.” Aimee came over gave me a big old hug and kiss. They knew what I meant. Give me another week doin this shit every day, then I might as well kiss my career, my car, my home goodbye and go back to the joyful existence of being broke on the street, running from cops, Christ FUCK NO!
Aimee is without a doubt the most fun girlfriend I’ve ever had and I was touched when she referred to me as her best friend more than a few times. I haven’t had too many girl friends that stuck around after getting married, having kids, or all the other shit that most women do, unlike myself. I’ve always been single, never did the baby thing. Came close to marriage twice, but most of my peers have had a couple divorces and or kids by now and that whole Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blue Normal was never my gig. Obviously if I ever did marry, it would have to be a most unconventional marriage and I don’t see anyone I might ever be married to, except for maybe Erik. Erik, like myself is unconventional as well, otherwise our relationship wouldn’t have worked. We have an unconventional thing/had from the get go. It was sweet of Aimee to offer to let us shack up at her place, that would save us from spending all that money on a motel. “Why spend money on a motel when you could spend it on drugs?,” she asked. She has got a definite point. Still, we can play it by ear, however guaranteed there is no privacy whatsoever at her place, even for her. I would like Erik to myself for one day if he doesn’t object, which I doubt. Like me, he tends to prefer company one on one, at least that’s how it was when we were in the apartment.
My friend John saw me on line and asked to see me on cam. “Damn it!,” I thought to myself. “Ohhh John I don’t have any make up on,” I said. “You look pretty naturally. But I don’t want you lookin at my stomach, I thought. Christ here we go. I don’t like that the camera makes you appear 12% heavier than you really are, so I’m like, ohhhhh all right, saying it as a groan. All my friends are going to find out eventually anyway, so (grumble grumble grumble) let’s get this over with. “I think you're hot!,” he said. I laughed out loud and shook my head. “Hey you have a nice ass!” What 2 times in one day, you’ve got to be kidding. “It’s well padded as you can see,” I said. “I don’t like stick insect women. A woman should look like a woman with curves, tits and ass.” “You’ve come to the right woman cause I got plenty of all that and then some,” I said. A wee bit more stomach than I’d like to be sure, BUTT hey I’ve got what I’ve got and I feel like I’ve finally accepted that this is what I’ve got so practice liking it. That’s 8 people that have given me compliments ever since my attitude adjustment, and dressing differently, overweight or not, so there it is.
Aimee wanted me to try on a sexy black bra that looked a couple sizes 2 small for me, so I removed one of my massive tits, then the other, no longer producing milk as I saw Aimee’s did. In my late teens to mid twenties, I’d constantly be playing with my nipples when no one was around, and eventually little drops of milk started coming out. Getting them sucked on a lot or played with manually apparently produced milk sometimes. My milk dried up when I lost interest in sex in my late 20’s in favor of drugs, but I was curious as to how her milk would taste. She squeezed one nipple, a big old drop came out. “Do you mind if I try?,” I asked. “No go right ahead,” she said. Slightly salty, watery, but not unpleasant taste kind of like my own tasted years ago. She squeezed the other nipple and expressed another large drop for me to taste. “So why do you have milk? Is Don always sucking your tits or something?,” I asked. “No, I’ve had milk ever since Cody was born.” That was 17 years ago. I kind of wish I’d produce milk again. The cyber sex with the X/meth really somehow reawakened my sexuality with a vengeance. Erik please don’t be upset with me? I haven’t had any dick in 8 years, this is driving me NUTS!! I’d forgotten how intensely pleasurable sex can be either masturbation or cyber, and arousal by cyber sex is simply being turned on by someone else’s mind. I need to have someone other than my own to be turned on by to help me relieve this sexual tension.
Yesterday got charged with DWI. Going to court Wednesday. Getting a good Jew lawyer. Hoping thing work out. Don't need this shit.
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.
Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.
Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...
Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?
Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.
Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...
I brought a doctor's note for missing work yesterday. HR said that I need to miss at least 3 consecutive days before bringing in a note and that the absence will still count against me. So most likely I'll have a day of suspension from work and I'll possibly lose my insurance because of the suspension if I don't have enough vacation to cover it. I'll also be demoted from a lead position.
I'm trying to fix my life but it feels like everyone is against that and I'll never be happy again. It's been hard for me to admit my problems to people and it took a lot to bring that note to HR today. It would be nice if they recognized that I've worked there longer than almost anyone else, including a lot of admin, and that I am good at what I do. Instead I just got a look of pity and told to "have a pleasant day." I don't want pity, I want compassion and maybe a little leeway. I need people to understand and try to help me out a bit. This is so frustrating and it makes me want to give up on work and the human race in general.
Friday was a good day. Rachael and Donavin came and we went to the zoo and just hung out. I spoiled Donavin rotten with toys and ice cream. I haven't hung out with anyone at all since August. It felt good to be around people again for a day. Later though I realized that I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. Oh well, at least I know that I'm still capable of having fun and feeling joy. I just wish it would happen more often.
After my doctor's appointment I went to the the bookstore and spent some of my Christmas gift card. I got a pocket dictionary/thesaurus to help with my crossword puzzles. I also got Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland (
Coupland), Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, and a new sudoku book.
I'm trying to fix my life but it feels like everyone is against that and I'll never be happy again. It's been hard for me to admit my problems to people and it took a lot to bring that note to HR today. It would be nice if they recognized that I've worked there longer than almost anyone else, including a lot of admin, and that I am good at what I do. Instead I just got a look of pity and told to "have a pleasant day." I don't want pity, I want compassion and maybe a little leeway. I need people to understand and try to help me out a bit. This is so frustrating and it makes me want to give up on work and the human race in general.
Friday was a good day. Rachael and Donavin came and we went to the zoo and just hung out. I spoiled Donavin rotten with toys and ice cream. I haven't hung out with anyone at all since August. It felt good to be around people again for a day. Later though I realized that I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. Oh well, at least I know that I'm still capable of having fun and feeling joy. I just wish it would happen more often.
After my doctor's appointment I went to the the bookstore and spent some of my Christmas gift card. I got a pocket dictionary/thesaurus to help with my crossword puzzles. I also got Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland (
Coupland), Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, and a new sudoku book.
I was nearing the end of my shift at work on Tuesday. Although I knew I shouldn't, I ended up calling Aimee and Don. Monday when I got off work, I was damn tired and stopped by Aimee's after work because I was depressed, the opiate come down. I had food I could no longer eat, cause my tooth had gotten out of control with pain. I have to be careful that nothing touched it, anything, even water hurt. I got my appointment with the dentist bumped up to that afternoon. So Aimee was dope sick and she and Don took the family car to get dope. Her 17 y/o son was due to be in court to get off probation.
"Would you PLEASE do me a big favor and take Cody to court?," she asked. There is only one car, her grandmother's and it gets shared between Nana, the great grandma, Linda, (Aimee's mother) Aimee herself, plus her son who always takes the keys without permission. They are a classic dysfunctional family, but obviously they have their redeeming qualities. NA has been so good to me, they have. I will never forget that. But in terms of a social life, I can't go on vacations with the NA people because I get no sick or vacation pay. Normal people take off the weekends, the days when I need to work the most.
I haven't seen most of the old NA group either, as life changes for everyone and new jobs, babies, sickness, or finances force them to move away. I've always understood this. I certainly don't mind spending a good deal of time alone, I've done so my entire life. Still, the one house that has always had it's doors open to me any time 24/7 whether sober, using, homeless, or prospering I've been welcomed with open arms. Often when people stop using, their using friends really don't have anything more to say, but that wasn't the case with Aimee and Linda.
I dropped Cody and Linda off to Juvie court, came home, crashed hard. I went to work Tuesday, then decided for once I want to be with friends I both like plus able to see me on my off hours, unlike most normal people. Well I did and yes I had a great time. Mom called there twice all worried saying "You CAN'T get back into doing that shit again, you just can't!" I assured her twice I was being good and I understand why she reacts the way she does. I know I'm playing with fire. Hell I shouldn't be doin this shit at all, but DAMN how I miss the commaraderie of the group like the old days.
With a little bit of dope (NOT alot) I can open up with people, talk and chill, have a great time. This is something I still haven't quite managed to pull off sober, as I tend to be rather quiet and reserved, and cursedly shy. The thing about being friend with dope fiends, especially when you're all high, are more able to tell it like it is. Aimee sure is. I am a better communicator buzzed, as long as I don't do ALOT. Well, since I started using small amounts of meth again, all of a sudden my sexuality became undormant. Sober, I was concentrating on recovery, getting my life back together, bla bla, but I swear even when I wanted to enjoy masturbation, sex with myself to obtain some type of release, it rarely was able to happen.
That's fucked up and sad. On a small dose of X or meth, it all came back. I could get myself off, doing it for hours if I wanted. Sober it was still difficult to even talk about sex, not that I had any, not even cyber. So this long time issue with Erik, my friend that I love very much, the one that asked me to marry him 4 yrs ago, still wants to...well the obvious issue of sex never was discussed because I didn't quite know how to go about it. I mean originally when we almost married, I hadn't been in love with him at the time, I only loved him as a friend. Therefore, I didn't care. Once I had feelings for him though, the thought of having a husband that I couldn't be inimate with even once in a while was very painful.
How do I tell a guy that loves me but CAN'T love me sexually that there is no way I can marry someone I love but can't have? Or if I did marry him and couldn't have sex with him, I'd want to be able to have an affair with a straight man, like John that DID want to be with me. I know how fucked up this all sounds, but Erik and I were tight. We were both junkies together, worked the streets together, survived together, shared our fun times and our dope together, until one day the money ran out and he was forced to move in order to find work. I was getting evicted from my apartment, about to be homeless, had no idea where I was going to be living from one day to the next.
We stayed tight though. He still loves me and I him, although we never really got the sex question out of the way, the elephant in the room, so to speak. It was almost midnight Tues Aoril 14th, and I said to Aimee, "It's Erik's birthday today, well the 15th actually, give or take a few minutes." "Great! Call his ass! I've heard so much about him." Aimee was a live one, and fun like always when she's high and not dope sick. So I call him, he answered and I told him happy B day. Well Erik I could tell had had a few happy chemicals too because when he's not chemed up, he's quiet and shy like me. So, I was surprised when he asked me, "Do you want to have a baby with me?" Whoa that was a lightening bolt!
"Are you serious?," I asked Erik. I doubt there's any way in hell I'll ever have a kid, although it could technically happen for several more years, maybe more. The romantic in me though has always thought about it. "If we had a girl I'd want to name her Erika," I said and it's true. "Ahhhhh," he said. "But Erik, um sex is sort of required in order to do that.....," there I finally said it. Aimee was making these obscene gestures indicating coitus, and laughing loud, talking over me and Erik and I couldn't hear. "What?," I asked Aimee. "Tell him...." she said.
I handed her the phone. "Here you tell him yourself," I said. The things people do when they're high. The fucked thing is is that all of us at that party as sober human beings, at least Erik and I for sure, somehow always end up avoiding uncomfortable discussions, so they don't get dealt with. Aimee got right to the point with him. "Erik you're gay, right?," I heard her ask. "Oh you're Bi?," "Ok, then if you're bi would you be able to let Tanya wear a strap on and fuck you up the ass?" OMFG!!!! Aimee!!! Holy shit high or not I was turning 10 shades of red. It was a question I'd been curious about, but never would have asked.
"Ok, if you both had dicks you could jack off together," I heard Aimee say, then "If you're in love with someone, doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, or what, if you dig the person then you should be able to just get down and be dirty whatever gets your groove on," she said. It sounded like Erik was agreeing. At some point she gave the phone back to me and we talked about last names. "Just think, Erik if we had had $60 when you were here, I'd be Tanya Tarantino Simpson." "I wouldn't mind changing my last name to yours," he said, something he had told me back in 2005 when we were trying to get a city hall marriage arranged.
He's the only guy I've ever heard say that, well except for John Lennon who I read changed his name to John Ono Lennon. "Yeah you should both use you're last name," said Aimee. She likes my last name. That's sweet, but I'm a little old fashioned I guess because I'd feel like I should be taking his last name. "You look like a Simpson though," I told Erik. I could always keep both names. I'm a romantic, but also a realist. Marriage or motherhood could never happen unless and until we both get our shit together. I'm deeply touched by Erik wanting to have a baby with me. I think he'd be a good, nurturing daddy, especially with a daughter because daughters you can be more openly affectionate with. Guys have a different set of rules to be raised by.
"Fuckin Aimee, what did he SAY when you asked him those questions?," I asked. "He really loves you," she said. "And he laughed when I asked him the dildo question, but totally agreed with me about having the right mind set than whether or not the person is male or female, if you love them, anything goes," or something like that. I love Erik and everything, but at the same time I do NOT want him to try to be something he's not and attempt sex out of a sense of duty. I only want it out of love. Regardless, I love him w/o sex, I love him for him, but when talking about marriage I'd have to know exactly where I stand before going into it.
Written for Erik:
7/14/05
Who Knew
who knew you anyway
standing on the corner
nothing to say
could anyone be so cruel?
could she have lied
over and again
all the while never did send
who knew you gave
away this old heart
for me to mend
i dont really know
why i always loved
your dolls, your outfits
your traveling show
one chaste candy kiss
i can still taste
chocolates and daffodils
camel cigarettes and codeine refills
1st black tar sugar kiss
how is it ur so pure?
i love you still
little boy doll
of secondhand razorblades
and secondhand skies
a young stranger waiting
at the train station
COME BACK! sweetness 4 a 2nd cup
i took the 2nd hand heart
in a heart shaped box
who knew i always loved anyway
I wish I had more time, but my back and muscles hurt and got to start getting ready for work damn it.
"Would you PLEASE do me a big favor and take Cody to court?," she asked. There is only one car, her grandmother's and it gets shared between Nana, the great grandma, Linda, (Aimee's mother) Aimee herself, plus her son who always takes the keys without permission. They are a classic dysfunctional family, but obviously they have their redeeming qualities. NA has been so good to me, they have. I will never forget that. But in terms of a social life, I can't go on vacations with the NA people because I get no sick or vacation pay. Normal people take off the weekends, the days when I need to work the most.
I haven't seen most of the old NA group either, as life changes for everyone and new jobs, babies, sickness, or finances force them to move away. I've always understood this. I certainly don't mind spending a good deal of time alone, I've done so my entire life. Still, the one house that has always had it's doors open to me any time 24/7 whether sober, using, homeless, or prospering I've been welcomed with open arms. Often when people stop using, their using friends really don't have anything more to say, but that wasn't the case with Aimee and Linda.
I dropped Cody and Linda off to Juvie court, came home, crashed hard. I went to work Tuesday, then decided for once I want to be with friends I both like plus able to see me on my off hours, unlike most normal people. Well I did and yes I had a great time. Mom called there twice all worried saying "You CAN'T get back into doing that shit again, you just can't!" I assured her twice I was being good and I understand why she reacts the way she does. I know I'm playing with fire. Hell I shouldn't be doin this shit at all, but DAMN how I miss the commaraderie of the group like the old days.
With a little bit of dope (NOT alot) I can open up with people, talk and chill, have a great time. This is something I still haven't quite managed to pull off sober, as I tend to be rather quiet and reserved, and cursedly shy. The thing about being friend with dope fiends, especially when you're all high, are more able to tell it like it is. Aimee sure is. I am a better communicator buzzed, as long as I don't do ALOT. Well, since I started using small amounts of meth again, all of a sudden my sexuality became undormant. Sober, I was concentrating on recovery, getting my life back together, bla bla, but I swear even when I wanted to enjoy masturbation, sex with myself to obtain some type of release, it rarely was able to happen.
That's fucked up and sad. On a small dose of X or meth, it all came back. I could get myself off, doing it for hours if I wanted. Sober it was still difficult to even talk about sex, not that I had any, not even cyber. So this long time issue with Erik, my friend that I love very much, the one that asked me to marry him 4 yrs ago, still wants to...well the obvious issue of sex never was discussed because I didn't quite know how to go about it. I mean originally when we almost married, I hadn't been in love with him at the time, I only loved him as a friend. Therefore, I didn't care. Once I had feelings for him though, the thought of having a husband that I couldn't be inimate with even once in a while was very painful.
How do I tell a guy that loves me but CAN'T love me sexually that there is no way I can marry someone I love but can't have? Or if I did marry him and couldn't have sex with him, I'd want to be able to have an affair with a straight man, like John that DID want to be with me. I know how fucked up this all sounds, but Erik and I were tight. We were both junkies together, worked the streets together, survived together, shared our fun times and our dope together, until one day the money ran out and he was forced to move in order to find work. I was getting evicted from my apartment, about to be homeless, had no idea where I was going to be living from one day to the next.
We stayed tight though. He still loves me and I him, although we never really got the sex question out of the way, the elephant in the room, so to speak. It was almost midnight Tues Aoril 14th, and I said to Aimee, "It's Erik's birthday today, well the 15th actually, give or take a few minutes." "Great! Call his ass! I've heard so much about him." Aimee was a live one, and fun like always when she's high and not dope sick. So I call him, he answered and I told him happy B day. Well Erik I could tell had had a few happy chemicals too because when he's not chemed up, he's quiet and shy like me. So, I was surprised when he asked me, "Do you want to have a baby with me?" Whoa that was a lightening bolt!
"Are you serious?," I asked Erik. I doubt there's any way in hell I'll ever have a kid, although it could technically happen for several more years, maybe more. The romantic in me though has always thought about it. "If we had a girl I'd want to name her Erika," I said and it's true. "Ahhhhh," he said. "But Erik, um sex is sort of required in order to do that.....," there I finally said it. Aimee was making these obscene gestures indicating coitus, and laughing loud, talking over me and Erik and I couldn't hear. "What?," I asked Aimee. "Tell him...." she said.
I handed her the phone. "Here you tell him yourself," I said. The things people do when they're high. The fucked thing is is that all of us at that party as sober human beings, at least Erik and I for sure, somehow always end up avoiding uncomfortable discussions, so they don't get dealt with. Aimee got right to the point with him. "Erik you're gay, right?," I heard her ask. "Oh you're Bi?," "Ok, then if you're bi would you be able to let Tanya wear a strap on and fuck you up the ass?" OMFG!!!! Aimee!!! Holy shit high or not I was turning 10 shades of red. It was a question I'd been curious about, but never would have asked.
"Ok, if you both had dicks you could jack off together," I heard Aimee say, then "If you're in love with someone, doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, or what, if you dig the person then you should be able to just get down and be dirty whatever gets your groove on," she said. It sounded like Erik was agreeing. At some point she gave the phone back to me and we talked about last names. "Just think, Erik if we had had $60 when you were here, I'd be Tanya Tarantino Simpson." "I wouldn't mind changing my last name to yours," he said, something he had told me back in 2005 when we were trying to get a city hall marriage arranged.
He's the only guy I've ever heard say that, well except for John Lennon who I read changed his name to John Ono Lennon. "Yeah you should both use you're last name," said Aimee. She likes my last name. That's sweet, but I'm a little old fashioned I guess because I'd feel like I should be taking his last name. "You look like a Simpson though," I told Erik. I could always keep both names. I'm a romantic, but also a realist. Marriage or motherhood could never happen unless and until we both get our shit together. I'm deeply touched by Erik wanting to have a baby with me. I think he'd be a good, nurturing daddy, especially with a daughter because daughters you can be more openly affectionate with. Guys have a different set of rules to be raised by.
"Fuckin Aimee, what did he SAY when you asked him those questions?," I asked. "He really loves you," she said. "And he laughed when I asked him the dildo question, but totally agreed with me about having the right mind set than whether or not the person is male or female, if you love them, anything goes," or something like that. I love Erik and everything, but at the same time I do NOT want him to try to be something he's not and attempt sex out of a sense of duty. I only want it out of love. Regardless, I love him w/o sex, I love him for him, but when talking about marriage I'd have to know exactly where I stand before going into it.
Written for Erik:
7/14/05
Who Knew
who knew you anyway
standing on the corner
nothing to say
could anyone be so cruel?
could she have lied
over and again
all the while never did send
who knew you gave
away this old heart
for me to mend
i dont really know
why i always loved
your dolls, your outfits
your traveling show
one chaste candy kiss
i can still taste
chocolates and daffodils
camel cigarettes and codeine refills
1st black tar sugar kiss
how is it ur so pure?
i love you still
little boy doll
of secondhand razorblades
and secondhand skies
a young stranger waiting
at the train station
COME BACK! sweetness 4 a 2nd cup
i took the 2nd hand heart
in a heart shaped box
who knew i always loved anyway
I wish I had more time, but my back and muscles hurt and got to start getting ready for work damn it.
I don't know what it is about this stuff, but if I'm sniffing something, I like to add a bit of lidocaine as well, It gives me the numbies of blow as well as the high from whatever the other thing going up my nose is. Throat numbness, tongue, numbness. This stuff is made of win although obviously it isn't supposed to be snorted for any reason.
Every day I hear from him, though we haven't seen each other in 8 yrs. I love the hot cyber and who knows maybe I'll even get some great sex again if he manages to fly out here from Dublin soon. I hadn't sent anything like that to anyone in 8 yrs and he was the last person I sent it to. I haven't had the pleasure of REAL sex in so long, and the thought of making love with a lover that I know for a fact isn't a dud in bed is a turn on.
If I can't have a man that wants to take his time, then I'd rather have no sex at all. I'm not counting on getting any soon, but since 90% of sex is mental anyway, the cyber will do because I'm turned on by his mind. He writes me dirty letters all the time, but with class, and he's also sweet. The memories of our week together 8 yrs ago in Dublin are a big help, but I do know that if I ever DO get another chance with either him or perhaps maybe some day someone that might really be in love with me....I know that sex this time around will be better than before.
Talking and writing to John Doe made me realize that I was doing things that I wasn't even aware of, like deliberatly putting up walls between myself and others so that I don't get hurt. I've had problems communicating directly to others in the past as well, because I was often times afraid of what their reaction would be, but I've gotten and still getting a lot better. This is so weird too, that if by chance John Doe hadn't of IMed me to say hi after so long on the night I'd taken X, it would have been a short, polite conversation. I'd not have had much to say to him, but the X brought out only positive memories and qualities
in the past with others, the bad ones 4given and overlooked, which is good, but still, Christ I did lay it on thick, the flowery poetic talk as if I were Juliette seranading Romeo or something. Sober I'd never dare do that, and actually that probably was a bit unappropriate, but it all came out, how he made me feel when we had been together, and how I loved looking into his eyes, being quite the charmer. I didn't expect anything to come of it, I merely spoke my mind uninhibited and with love. Not just to him, but to every one who happened to hit me up that night. There was Mom, Aimee, Erik, and then John Doe. Each person I spoke to I told them how beautiful they were and that I loved them.
That's not always a good thing though, obviously. A girl could get into trouble spreading love to the wrong person or people, but in the case of John, I'm glad I wasn't sober the night he IMed me otherwise I wouldn't be talking to him now. He asked me for very intimate type of pictures, so I took some off my cell phone, but before I did anything, I sent him a picture of my cat along with this email:
Hi baby here's an old pussy pic. I had a hard time shaving, you'll see why when you look, but hope you like it. Love, Tanya
That sounds completely sophomoric, but I get a childish kick out of imagining the look he'll get on his face when he opens it only to find a picture of a big, huge, furry, cat, haha. I enjoy being silly sometimes.
If I can't have a man that wants to take his time, then I'd rather have no sex at all. I'm not counting on getting any soon, but since 90% of sex is mental anyway, the cyber will do because I'm turned on by his mind. He writes me dirty letters all the time, but with class, and he's also sweet. The memories of our week together 8 yrs ago in Dublin are a big help, but I do know that if I ever DO get another chance with either him or perhaps maybe some day someone that might really be in love with me....I know that sex this time around will be better than before.
Talking and writing to John Doe made me realize that I was doing things that I wasn't even aware of, like deliberatly putting up walls between myself and others so that I don't get hurt. I've had problems communicating directly to others in the past as well, because I was often times afraid of what their reaction would be, but I've gotten and still getting a lot better. This is so weird too, that if by chance John Doe hadn't of IMed me to say hi after so long on the night I'd taken X, it would have been a short, polite conversation. I'd not have had much to say to him, but the X brought out only positive memories and qualities
in the past with others, the bad ones 4given and overlooked, which is good, but still, Christ I did lay it on thick, the flowery poetic talk as if I were Juliette seranading Romeo or something. Sober I'd never dare do that, and actually that probably was a bit unappropriate, but it all came out, how he made me feel when we had been together, and how I loved looking into his eyes, being quite the charmer. I didn't expect anything to come of it, I merely spoke my mind uninhibited and with love. Not just to him, but to every one who happened to hit me up that night. There was Mom, Aimee, Erik, and then John Doe. Each person I spoke to I told them how beautiful they were and that I loved them.
That's not always a good thing though, obviously. A girl could get into trouble spreading love to the wrong person or people, but in the case of John, I'm glad I wasn't sober the night he IMed me otherwise I wouldn't be talking to him now. He asked me for very intimate type of pictures, so I took some off my cell phone, but before I did anything, I sent him a picture of my cat along with this email:
Hi baby here's an old pussy pic. I had a hard time shaving, you'll see why when you look, but hope you like it. Love, Tanya
That sounds completely sophomoric, but I get a childish kick out of imagining the look he'll get on his face when he opens it only to find a picture of a big, huge, furry, cat, haha. I enjoy being silly sometimes.
This day, hell the last 2 days have been a trip and a half. It was great spending all the phone calls talking to Kupid on his birthday. Happy Birthday, Kupid! xoxo
Here's an old Birthday poem for you Erik. Still stuck with the writer's block, so couldn't write a new one, but oh well. This one was written from your 29th, remember?
4/19/2006
Happy Birthday Prince Kupid
By Tanya T
If I could....
I'd take u straight 2 the sky
I'd bake u a marshmellow pie
With candles of shooting stars,
Each flickering lovlier
And shooting farther than the last
Celebrating 29 years past
Of Aryan's finest,
Ample locks of blond
Are like a fiery lake made from the sun
Frolicking in Martian heat
Burning up ne'er felt so sweet
Endless oceans of eyes midnight blue
Innoculations of serenity is Kupid's heart
So tender, so true, purest taste
Happy Birthday Prince Kupid
The finest indeed, of Aryan race
Here's an old Birthday poem for you Erik. Still stuck with the writer's block, so couldn't write a new one, but oh well. This one was written from your 29th, remember?
4/19/2006
Happy Birthday Prince Kupid
By Tanya T
If I could....
I'd take u straight 2 the sky
I'd bake u a marshmellow pie
With candles of shooting stars,
Each flickering lovlier
And shooting farther than the last
Celebrating 29 years past
Of Aryan's finest,
Ample locks of blond
Are like a fiery lake made from the sun
Frolicking in Martian heat
Burning up ne'er felt so sweet
Endless oceans of eyes midnight blue
Innoculations of serenity is Kupid's heart
So tender, so true, purest taste
Happy Birthday Prince Kupid
The finest indeed, of Aryan race
Went to doctors today. Really good doctor. Been giving me acupuncture for free. Seeing him again in a week. Might be looking at medication for insomnia and anxiety.
Prior to doctors, got head on clear. Drove to Middletown. Copped a few bags. Forgive me for using, but I had to. I needed an ordinary moment.
Cracked open paper hourglass. Poured the sands of time into a silver chalice. Golden sustenance and poison transmuted. Loaded nectar into sword. Weapon in hand, pierced my being. Rose bloomed in a golden hue. Drive the thorn deep. Wave of calm sweeps over me like tide of ocean. Warmth. Peace. Serenity. Spiral into bliss as the mind circus thats been raging subsides. Light a cigarette. Breath it in and breath it out. Time to go home. Feels like I am home.
Got up with girlfreind and friend. Wonderful time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking. Veil of depression lifted by the presence of the one I love. Eventually go home. Loving charm. Desire. Connection. Stir of wonderful emotions. Our love manifests itself physically. Beautiful. Perfection. True love.
Girlfriend made comment that made me smile today in store. Was looking at washing machines for some random reason. Told her friend she better get used to using one. Girlfriend turned around and said how about when we get married, will you make me wash cloths... Could'nt help but kiss her forehead and tell her I would dry clean my clothes. No laundry for her.
Don't know about life sometimes. Ups and downs. Always feel like be trapped inside a jar with this bipolar condition. Emotions raging from light to dark. Love it though. Allows me to experience despairs and ecstasies no other can. Including gray in between. High off a deep depression. High off a simple thing of life.
Right now now calm and numb. Savoring the ordinary moment. Future is uncertain still...
Prior to doctors, got head on clear. Drove to Middletown. Copped a few bags. Forgive me for using, but I had to. I needed an ordinary moment.
Cracked open paper hourglass. Poured the sands of time into a silver chalice. Golden sustenance and poison transmuted. Loaded nectar into sword. Weapon in hand, pierced my being. Rose bloomed in a golden hue. Drive the thorn deep. Wave of calm sweeps over me like tide of ocean. Warmth. Peace. Serenity. Spiral into bliss as the mind circus thats been raging subsides. Light a cigarette. Breath it in and breath it out. Time to go home. Feels like I am home.
Got up with girlfreind and friend. Wonderful time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking. Veil of depression lifted by the presence of the one I love. Eventually go home. Loving charm. Desire. Connection. Stir of wonderful emotions. Our love manifests itself physically. Beautiful. Perfection. True love.
Girlfriend made comment that made me smile today in store. Was looking at washing machines for some random reason. Told her friend she better get used to using one. Girlfriend turned around and said how about when we get married, will you make me wash cloths... Could'nt help but kiss her forehead and tell her I would dry clean my clothes. No laundry for her.
Don't know about life sometimes. Ups and downs. Always feel like be trapped inside a jar with this bipolar condition. Emotions raging from light to dark. Love it though. Allows me to experience despairs and ecstasies no other can. Including gray in between. High off a deep depression. High off a simple thing of life.
Right now now calm and numb. Savoring the ordinary moment. Future is uncertain still...
so that didn't last long. I ran outta money and haven't had enough gas to get myself to work all week. 
I doubt the guy will be very happy with me if I do make it up there at all, I mean I will be trying to, but I have no money so its not looking good. So what I'm going to try to do is just find a different job anyway. I don't like painting at all, so I had all the more reason to not want to make this thing work.
so I'm unemployed again, depressed again, back to "normal" for me it seems. I'm hoping that I will find something I can really get in to soon. I can't stand doing work that I hate for shit money, its just like a kick in the nuts to me.
I dunno, maybe I'm really bringing this on myself. well I know I am to some extent. depression doesn't help but to beat it I know I need to suck it up and just do shit I really don't feel like doing to get over it. maybe one day soon I will.
here's hoping things look up soon.
I doubt the guy will be very happy with me if I do make it up there at all, I mean I will be trying to, but I have no money so its not looking good. So what I'm going to try to do is just find a different job anyway. I don't like painting at all, so I had all the more reason to not want to make this thing work.
so I'm unemployed again, depressed again, back to "normal" for me it seems. I'm hoping that I will find something I can really get in to soon. I can't stand doing work that I hate for shit money, its just like a kick in the nuts to me.
I dunno, maybe I'm really bringing this on myself. well I know I am to some extent. depression doesn't help but to beat it I know I need to suck it up and just do shit I really don't feel like doing to get over it. maybe one day soon I will.
here's hoping things look up soon.
How do you prep hydroxyzine without the rig being cloady, even if you filter it 3-4 times. Can you just iv it cloady?
Thanks
Thanks
I know that right now I am totally destroying my body and have been for almost a straight year. I haven't been this bad since high school and my first couple of years at college. I don't know how I haven't been committed to either an in-patient program or an insane asylum. That line in The Departed, he says "I'm Irish - I can deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life." Well that's pretty accurate, but my Italian side makes me impulsive and manic. Actually, I don't know if any of that is accurate at all because I can't even get out of bed without taking 5 pills which means that I really don't know much about myself at all. It's all one big blind-spot, and I'm actually okay with that.
Woke up early today from bad dream. Same sort of dream as usual. End up losing important people. Was in a jail of sorts, caged and kept away from girl I love. Jail keeper comes up to cell and sets me free. Tells me I will never be able to see her again, that she is gone forever. Not sure if died or disappeared. Would not have it that way. Rage, anxiety, and sadness floods over me. Set out to find pieces puzzle. Have them all in hands. End up constructing some sort of box, emblems and unknown language covers it. Someone tells me if I use it I have chance of dying. Do not care. Prepare to use it to go back to point in time when she was still alive. Puzzle begins playing tune similar to music box. Recognize song as Orbital's One Perfect Sunrise. Bright flash. Not afraid of dying. Then I wake up drenched in sweat with this feeling nobody should have to feel.
Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.
Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.
Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...
Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.
Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.
Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...
Feeling better today. Was doing some thinking at work. Seems every spring this happens. Part of me dies literally, while another half blooms and comes to life. Seems to be a cycle. Not sure how it will end. Superstitious. Seven of nine lives used. Clock counting down whats left of my time. Have to get handle on whats eating me. For the greater good. Do not want to hurt those around me. Love girlfreind, some family, friends, and Bluelighters.
Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.
Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.
Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.
Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.
Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.
Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.
Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Well I fucked up after eleven days
Been six days now. Haven't been doing anything interesting. I have a seroquel prescription from the doctor, it's been a lifesaver as I was going psycho, raging around about nothing, moods up & down, etc. I'm half-back on track now. I am also looking a shitload healthier.
on meththese were a few years back now, i was very thin)
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/g-1.jpg
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/f.jpg
this one a few months ago
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/100_3180-1.jpg
lol at the eyes.
off:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/IMG000243.jpg
It's crazy how it changes your appearance.
Whilst on it I didn't even think I looked that sick, but now that I am off it I am really amazed how different I look after (around) a month of little usage.
Put on 7kg, bit hard for me to see that.
If you have read earlier posts, I used to have a serious ED few years back, gained 10kg or so and remained at around 48kg for 2 yrs, but 55kg now.
Its strange looking normal!
I'm gonna have to eventually have to pay the dentist a visit, I am terrified. From almost 7 yrs of smoking it, it will not be pretty.
I know I already have two rotting teeth, one also rotted 2 yrs ago which I pulled out. Uh oh.
Have ANOTHER doctors next week. Check up with the anti-psychotic.
Been six days now. Haven't been doing anything interesting. I have a seroquel prescription from the doctor, it's been a lifesaver as I was going psycho, raging around about nothing, moods up & down, etc. I'm half-back on track now. I am also looking a shitload healthier.
on meth
these were a few years back now, i was very thin)http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/g-1.jpg
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/f.jpg
this one a few months ago
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/100_3180-1.jpg
lol at the eyes.
off:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/clairepear4444/IMG000243.jpg
It's crazy how it changes your appearance.
Whilst on it I didn't even think I looked that sick, but now that I am off it I am really amazed how different I look after (around) a month of little usage.
Put on 7kg, bit hard for me to see that.
If you have read earlier posts, I used to have a serious ED few years back, gained 10kg or so and remained at around 48kg for 2 yrs, but 55kg now.
Its strange looking normal!
I'm gonna have to eventually have to pay the dentist a visit, I am terrified. From almost 7 yrs of smoking it, it will not be pretty.
I know I already have two rotting teeth, one also rotted 2 yrs ago which I pulled out. Uh oh.
Have ANOTHER doctors next week. Check up with the anti-psychotic.
Went to doctors today. Really good doctor. Been giving me acupuncture for free. Seeing him again in a week. Might be looking at medication for insomnia and anxiety.
Prior to doctors, got head on clear. Drove to Middletown. Copped a few bags. Forgive me for using, but I had to. I needed an ordinary moment.
Cracked open paper hourglass. Poured the sands of time into a silver chalice. Golden sustenance and poison transmuted. Loaded nectar into sword. Weapon in hand, pierced my being. Rose bloomed in a golden hue. Drive the thorn deep. Wave of calm sweeps over me like tide of ocean. Warmth. Peace. Serenity. Spiral into bliss as the mind circus thats been raging subsides. Light a cigarette. Breath it in and breath it out. Time to go home. Feels like I am home.
Got up with girlfreind and friend. Wonderful time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking. Veil of depression lifted by the presence of the one I love. Eventually go home. Loving charm. Desire. Connection. Stir of wonderful emotions. Our love manifests itself physically. Beautiful. Perfection. True love.
Girlfriend made comment that made me smile today in store. Was looking at washing machines for some random reason. Told her friend she better get used to using one. Girlfriend turned around and said how about when we get married, will you make me wash cloths... Could'nt help but kiss her forehead and tell her I would dry clean my clothes. No laundry for her.
Don't know about life sometimes. Ups and downs. Always feel like be trapped inside a jar with this bipolar condition. Emotions raging from light to dark. Love it though. Allows me to experience despairs and ecstasies no other can. Including gray in between. High off a deep depression. High off a simple thing of life.
Right now now calm and numb. Savoring the ordinary moment. Future is uncertain still...
Prior to doctors, got head on clear. Drove to Middletown. Copped a few bags. Forgive me for using, but I had to. I needed an ordinary moment.
Cracked open paper hourglass. Poured the sands of time into a silver chalice. Golden sustenance and poison transmuted. Loaded nectar into sword. Weapon in hand, pierced my being. Rose bloomed in a golden hue. Drive the thorn deep. Wave of calm sweeps over me like tide of ocean. Warmth. Peace. Serenity. Spiral into bliss as the mind circus thats been raging subsides. Light a cigarette. Breath it in and breath it out. Time to go home. Feels like I am home.
Got up with girlfreind and friend. Wonderful time. Laughing. Smiling. Talking. Veil of depression lifted by the presence of the one I love. Eventually go home. Loving charm. Desire. Connection. Stir of wonderful emotions. Our love manifests itself physically. Beautiful. Perfection. True love.
Girlfriend made comment that made me smile today in store. Was looking at washing machines for some random reason. Told her friend she better get used to using one. Girlfriend turned around and said how about when we get married, will you make me wash cloths... Could'nt help but kiss her forehead and tell her I would dry clean my clothes. No laundry for her.
Don't know about life sometimes. Ups and downs. Always feel like be trapped inside a jar with this bipolar condition. Emotions raging from light to dark. Love it though. Allows me to experience despairs and ecstasies no other can. Including gray in between. High off a deep depression. High off a simple thing of life.
Right now now calm and numb. Savoring the ordinary moment. Future is uncertain still...
Very tired. Only slept few hours over past couple of days. Have doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping to get help for insomnia. Don't care if its pills or carpenter hammer, as long as it makes sleep come easy. Looking forward to seeing girlfreind tomorrow afterwards. Been a few days since last saw her face. Miss it very much. Feel no troubles when she smiles.
Work today was tough. Hard work will be paying off in due time with apprenticeship and eventual certification as butcher. Will be able to live good life and improve girlfriends life.
Thinking about getting up with friend tomorrow morning. Need to get my head on clear. Need an ordinary moment.
Work today was tough. Hard work will be paying off in due time with apprenticeship and eventual certification as butcher. Will be able to live good life and improve girlfriends life.
Thinking about getting up with friend tomorrow morning. Need to get my head on clear. Need an ordinary moment.
My father bought it for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! My father bought it for just two coins, as the Haggadah relates. Along came the cat and ate up the lamb. The dog choked the cat that ate the lamb, that my father bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Along came the stick, to beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb that my father bought. That he bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then came a fire and burnt the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought, for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then wather came and quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that eat the lamb, that my father bought for yust two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Then came an Ox and drank the wather, that quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that eat the lamb, that my father bought for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Along came a butcher and killed the Ox, that drank the water, that quenched the fire, that burn the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought. Then came the Angel of Death and slew the butcher, who killed the Ox, that drank the water, that quenched the fire, that burnt the stick, that beat the dog, that choked the cat, that ate the lamb, that my father bought for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Why do you sing, little lamb? Spring isn't yet here and Passover neither. Have you changed? I have changed this year. And every evening, like each evening, I have only asked four questions. But tonight, I have tought of another question. How long will this circle of horror last? Tonight, i have tought of another question. How long will this circle of horror last? Of persecutor and persecuted, of executioner and victim. When will this madness end? What has changed this year? This year, i have changed. I was a meek lamb. I have become a tiger and a wild wolf. I was a dove, a gazelle. Today, i don't know who i am. My father bought it for just two coins. The lamb! The lamb! Our father bought it for just two coins. And everything is starting again!
Major killer depression going on. I've made some stupid mistakes with money and being way too generous, more than I can afford to be. It's all my fault though and I blame no one but myself. Everything is so damn complicated too. Last night I couldn't read or right without a magnifying glass. I can see fine far away, but trying to read semi small print, even with a light right there, wasn't working very well. The blurry/double vision started maybe 3 days ago and I wasn't under the influence of meth. I was hoping the little bits of meth I've done wasn't responsible for this, but my pupils weren't wide, they got narrow and adjusted to the light, but I just couldn't see to read w/o mag glass. The nurse that came to relieve me this morning let me try on 2 different pairs of reading glasses that are hers. I tried them on and problem solved. I could see fine to chart. Mom was very young when she started wearing glasses. Tony told me he was about 51, so I thought good, I got the Tarantino eye sight. I wondered when the day would come. Then my tooth got so fucking bad, it no longer felt like a blow torch, but simply could not tolerate any pressure whatsoever on it w/o major pain. I couldn't eat. I gave my breakfast to Aimee. Then I lost a piece out of the top molar and now it's starting to hurt. I don't even care about a few grey hairs and Aimee made me feel beautiful again by helping me to shop for clothes that make me look sexy at my new size, just like she is. That part was sweet. I've only done such tiny amounts of meth, and again I loved it, but I don't want anymore. Don and Aimee offered some heroin for the tooth pain, but I didn't want it. I only hope 2 fuck the dentist won't suspect what's been going on, I don't need discrimination. I'm trying to fix everything. The little bit of shit last night was theraputic in that for the first time since 2 years ago, Aimee showed me my physical beauty and that it didn't leave, and I can't get over the new look! The way she did my hair, clothes, hat, make up. We took new photos, some that actually hopefully look good this time. My body can't be put through more than a couple lines or shots of meth in one night only and not too frequently. That's fine, but didn't expect these changes with the diminished vision/and now I've got more major oral surgery in a few minutes.
We had a guest speaker in my Human Services class from a local rehab center. He spoke of providing 'tools' for the addict/alcoholic. One of these tools is the various 12 step programs. After speaking we asked questions.
I asked if they introduced alternatives to the 12 steps. He said 'Yes, we offer alternatives but the reason we use the 12 steps is because it is proven, affordable (free), and available.'
He then mentioned how many have issues with the 'god' concept.
Yeah, yeah, I know, its a 'spiritual' not 'religious' program. I know that a doorknob can be your Higher Power. But WHAT are the alternatives? (i didn't verbalize this to him)
Dammit! Those steps are NOT for everyone. Sometimes they DO NOT work even when you work them. (i did not verbalize this either)
Why do people get SO defensive about the program when it hasn't even been attacked? It was as if he was fearful that something else MIGHT work. If ANYTHING helps an addict/alcoholic live a fulfilling life of happiness and does it without harming others, shouldn't it be explored and cultivated?
Why didn't he answer my question? I wasn't attacking but simply was thinking of those that fall through the cracks of the program. What about them? The program is not the answer for everyone so therefore we need more answers.
I thought the guy was cool but I got the impression that by asking my question that perhaps he became uncomfortable. He has been in recovery for 20+ years so I can understand the 12 and 12 being close to his heart. But why so dodgy? WHAT ARE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT YOU OFFER?
I just wish he would have answered my question.
I asked if they introduced alternatives to the 12 steps. He said 'Yes, we offer alternatives but the reason we use the 12 steps is because it is proven, affordable (free), and available.'
He then mentioned how many have issues with the 'god' concept.
Yeah, yeah, I know, its a 'spiritual' not 'religious' program. I know that a doorknob can be your Higher Power. But WHAT are the alternatives? (i didn't verbalize this to him)
Dammit! Those steps are NOT for everyone. Sometimes they DO NOT work even when you work them. (i did not verbalize this either)
Why do people get SO defensive about the program when it hasn't even been attacked? It was as if he was fearful that something else MIGHT work. If ANYTHING helps an addict/alcoholic live a fulfilling life of happiness and does it without harming others, shouldn't it be explored and cultivated?
Why didn't he answer my question? I wasn't attacking but simply was thinking of those that fall through the cracks of the program. What about them? The program is not the answer for everyone so therefore we need more answers.
I thought the guy was cool but I got the impression that by asking my question that perhaps he became uncomfortable. He has been in recovery for 20+ years so I can understand the 12 and 12 being close to his heart. But why so dodgy? WHAT ARE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT YOU OFFER?
I just wish he would have answered my question.
its amazing how much music can change my mood...
my roommates and i have been trying to out depress eachother with random songs. this game has pretty much left me in a shitty mood
my roommates and i have been trying to out depress eachother with random songs. this game has pretty much left me in a shitty mood
Today is Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 10:24 PM here in the Philippines.
Today's song, is a song that has been driving me crazy for a good year now. They have been playing it here in the Philippines for some reason, along with a Deep Dish "Dreams" video that is not shown elsewhere as well! The first song though, "Are We Having Fun Yet" by Fat Boy Slim, AKA DJ Norman Cook of England is abslutely bananas.
They have this half assked video show that is on only in the overnight, and since we all get up at day break it is the thing to watch , for me, most mornings. The Fatboy video is alive shoot on Impanema in Rio, a beach I partied on, though sadly not in 2008 when this video was shot!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwgFZvcWLoo
So, I was in Davao as I was saying, I could not wait until early the next morning for our convoy to roll past once again so I hightailed it after getting my visa restamped (need more pages soon, shit!), to National Hiway where I caught the Davao to Butuan Bachelor, the main public bus travelling over the eastern half of the island.
Riding buses here can get you killed in a number of ways, usually bombs and slightly less often, robbery and gunshots are aclose second.
Awhile back I was talking about the cliff just opposite the 1001th IB Base, back when the Blofgs first started, saying it was truly the most beautiful place I had ever laid eyes on...A poster asked for pictures which I do need to get, but I also promised him at the time that I would soon tell an interesting story about that cliff and so here it is...
About 4 years ago, while Rizza and I were back in Israel, our cousin's father, a Sgt. in the AFP, the army was travelling from his base in the south of the island, on abachelor Bus heading towards San Franz.
Then, like now, that area was infested with NPA.
The bus was travelling about 10 PM, and got flagged for passenger pick up (there are no real stops as such, you simply flag to get picked up, and tell the conductor when you need to get off if it is between the stations, etc).
As the bus pulls onto the shoulder on the cliff, an NPA platoon moves into a tight permiter,surrounding it with rifles, mostly autos.
Our cousin's father was not in uniform but his ID, his kitbag, and his general demeanous would have him pegged. Now the NPA tends to keep POWs if not taken in direct engagements but up until about 2 years ago it was death with no chance of reprieve.
As the passengers lined up for ID checks aloing the cliff shoulder, our family member moved to the edge, and this cliff drop is an easy 1000 meters STRAIGHT down, though there are lips about
1/3rd a meter out, and assorted bushes and such.
Rather than get executed in acouple of minutes he prayed hard and leaped into the darkness...and then hit a bush!!!
There were no mobiles (cellphones) at that time here, and of course he was not going to be easily spotted anytime soon and yet he stayed there praying. 3 days later, pinning down his route our family knew he had been stopped by the NPA, but also knew that noone had been executed or taken hostage so what to do?
It was late in the 3rd day when tracing the poath they stood looking over the cliffside and by a stroke of G-D's Grace they saw his belt glinting in the waning sun!
He was rescued, and though he left his wife last year, he has lived long enough to see his eldest daughter get married this year here in the village!
Anyway, just another day in Mindanao.
Later I will finish my latest Blood and Guts file, including the latest HRW Report on the extra-judicial killings in Davao City.
It is ironic that anyone even considers whether or not the mayor, Mayor Duterte might be guilty of orchestrating such things given his personal history.
He rose to power in the mid 80s, at the height of the NPA's power, when his neighbourhood, the city's worst slum was literally governed by the guerillas.
He formed an Ilaga organisation I have mentioned in the past, Alsa Masa (Masses Arise) and in less than one year they single handedly freed the entire city of the NPA control!!!
Then President Cory Aqcuino elevated him rapidly, and used him as ashining example of what pro-govt. paras can do if given free rein. Sadly for Duterte, he is now facing inquests into his dropping people from copters over the ocean and other assorted ALLEGED activities. Go figure!
Anyway, I will continue later...
Today's song, is a song that has been driving me crazy for a good year now. They have been playing it here in the Philippines for some reason, along with a Deep Dish "Dreams" video that is not shown elsewhere as well! The first song though, "Are We Having Fun Yet" by Fat Boy Slim, AKA DJ Norman Cook of England is abslutely bananas.
They have this half assked video show that is on only in the overnight, and since we all get up at day break it is the thing to watch , for me, most mornings. The Fatboy video is alive shoot on Impanema in Rio, a beach I partied on, though sadly not in 2008 when this video was shot!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwgFZvcWLoo
So, I was in Davao as I was saying, I could not wait until early the next morning for our convoy to roll past once again so I hightailed it after getting my visa restamped (need more pages soon, shit!), to National Hiway where I caught the Davao to Butuan Bachelor, the main public bus travelling over the eastern half of the island.
Riding buses here can get you killed in a number of ways, usually bombs and slightly less often, robbery and gunshots are aclose second.
Awhile back I was talking about the cliff just opposite the 1001th IB Base, back when the Blofgs first started, saying it was truly the most beautiful place I had ever laid eyes on...A poster asked for pictures which I do need to get, but I also promised him at the time that I would soon tell an interesting story about that cliff and so here it is...
About 4 years ago, while Rizza and I were back in Israel, our cousin's father, a Sgt. in the AFP, the army was travelling from his base in the south of the island, on abachelor Bus heading towards San Franz.
Then, like now, that area was infested with NPA.
The bus was travelling about 10 PM, and got flagged for passenger pick up (there are no real stops as such, you simply flag to get picked up, and tell the conductor when you need to get off if it is between the stations, etc).
As the bus pulls onto the shoulder on the cliff, an NPA platoon moves into a tight permiter,surrounding it with rifles, mostly autos.
Our cousin's father was not in uniform but his ID, his kitbag, and his general demeanous would have him pegged. Now the NPA tends to keep POWs if not taken in direct engagements but up until about 2 years ago it was death with no chance of reprieve.
As the passengers lined up for ID checks aloing the cliff shoulder, our family member moved to the edge, and this cliff drop is an easy 1000 meters STRAIGHT down, though there are lips about
1/3rd a meter out, and assorted bushes and such.
Rather than get executed in acouple of minutes he prayed hard and leaped into the darkness...and then hit a bush!!!
There were no mobiles (cellphones) at that time here, and of course he was not going to be easily spotted anytime soon and yet he stayed there praying. 3 days later, pinning down his route our family knew he had been stopped by the NPA, but also knew that noone had been executed or taken hostage so what to do?
It was late in the 3rd day when tracing the poath they stood looking over the cliffside and by a stroke of G-D's Grace they saw his belt glinting in the waning sun!
He was rescued, and though he left his wife last year, he has lived long enough to see his eldest daughter get married this year here in the village!
Anyway, just another day in Mindanao.
Later I will finish my latest Blood and Guts file, including the latest HRW Report on the extra-judicial killings in Davao City.
It is ironic that anyone even considers whether or not the mayor, Mayor Duterte might be guilty of orchestrating such things given his personal history.
He rose to power in the mid 80s, at the height of the NPA's power, when his neighbourhood, the city's worst slum was literally governed by the guerillas.
He formed an Ilaga organisation I have mentioned in the past, Alsa Masa (Masses Arise) and in less than one year they single handedly freed the entire city of the NPA control!!!
Then President Cory Aqcuino elevated him rapidly, and used him as ashining example of what pro-govt. paras can do if given free rein. Sadly for Duterte, he is now facing inquests into his dropping people from copters over the ocean and other assorted ALLEGED activities. Go figure!
Anyway, I will continue later...
Feeling better today. Was doing some thinking at work. Seems every spring this happens. Part of me dies literally, while another half blooms and comes to life. Seems to be a cycle. Not sure how it will end. Superstitious. Seven of nine lives used. Clock counting down whats left of my time. Have to get handle on whats eating me. For the greater good. Do not want to hurt those around me. Love girlfreind, some family, friends, and Bluelighters.
Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.
Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.
Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.
Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Things looking up though. Manager and store manager talked to me. Impressed with productivity and work ethic. Not bad for heroin addict and basket case. Will be getting more hours. Soon will be looking at apprenticeship program for butcher shop. Means good things. Will be able to get new car, apartment, provide for girlfreind. Eventually will be financially stable enough to propose. Know she would say yes.
Confused though in way. People at work, strangers, friends, all think I am wonderful happy go lucky person. Don't know why I cant see what they see in me. Unable to determine why I am blind to good in self.
Looking forward to Thursday. Payday. Will be getting some ecstasy. Not for sake of getting high, but for therapy. Will lay down with notebook and pen with trance music and write about things on mind. Did this few times before. Helped me solve some internal conflicts. Elysium knows I have many at moment.
Thought I was already dead. Not yet it seems. Not yet.
Today is STILL Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 12:10 PM here in the Philippines.
To continue with the last entry...
Several years later both India and Pakistan agreed to a family reunification treaty, and ruled that no matter what circumstances have ensued, and children missing, less than 18 and unmarried, would be returned to their families, no exceptions.
This agreement was very well publicised in both nations and many families had joyous reunions...and then there were others like the case I am discussing...
Mr. Singh had 2 nephews who, until he had fallen in love, had been promised his property as an inheritance. Now denied this modest windfall, they informed the authorities that their uncle's wife was one such person stolen from her parents.
Despite her explanation that her husband had not stolen her, but had instead saved her life from the man who had, she was forcibly removed, along with her 1 year old daughter and taken to a huge and distant transit camp while her family was sought.
Her husband left his home and camped outside the camp, spending every day sitting next to her during visititng hours, as they both cried themsleves into exhaustion.
When her family was finally located after about 6 months, they realised she would soon be repatriated.
Desperate, he pled to be allowed to go with her but as a Sikh, he was categorically denied. Mr. Singh finally cut his hair, which as a Sikh had never been cut and then he formally converted to Islam.
Still, he was denied permission and when, days later she was taken to Pakistan, she sadly left their daughter with her father, not wanting to subject the infant to the grueling journey. Desperately she swore her love for him and promised to return as soon as she was able. He promised to wait, and to safeguard their child.
Months passed and he received no word, until finally he bundled up their daughter and walked the thousands of kilometers , illegaly on pain of death, into Pakistan.
Before she left she had made him promise to remember the name of her family's
village. Leaving their daughter with a Muslim chairity in the capital, he arrived in the village but when he sought information on his wife he was beaten to within inches of his death. Then he was angrily turned over to the Immigration Authorities as an illegal entrant.
Only when he was recovering in jail did he find that on the day the truck had deposited his wife in the village, her family had married her off to a cousin!
He was brought before a justice in his now very serious Immigration case, only to find that his case had been widely reported and throngs were eagerly awaiting all developments. This probablly saved his life, and yet he told the justice that he did not care. He told the justice he had but a single wish and if he was so obliged he swore he would return quietly to India without further burdening the courts.
The justice did not have much choice, he gave the one wish: He had the wife brought to the hearing, and asked her, per the wish, if she knew the man before her. She slowly answered that she did, he was her "first husband."
Then the final question: She was asked if she wanted to join her husband, and she hesitated...nervously fidgeting under the stern glances of her male relatives in a country that even today murders women who dare not obey her male family members unquestioningly. Finally she slowly shook her head and said ,very quietly, "No."
Hey husband moaned but caught himself before collapsing...He then walked over to her and handed their daughter to her with his remaining savings but after looking at her family who began screaming, the wife refused to accept the girl knowing that it would be a death sentence for her now almost 2 year old daughter.
Dejected, he made his way, daughter in hand to the bazaar where he bought a beautiful outfit for the gurgling baby.
Then he finally paid a letter writer to write a short note to his lost love...before finally heading to the capital train station.
Just as the train back to India pulled in he grabbed the babyand jumped under the engine!
Although he was killed, by a true miracle the little girl was not even scratched!!!!!!
It was after his body was recovered that the note he had written was finally read...These are the actual words:
"My Dearest Love, sadly you chose to listen to the multitudes, yet they will never tell you the truth. I always told you the truth. I know you have rejected me but I have one last wish: If you would be so generous as to allow me to be buried in your village cemetery? In this manner you might sometimes choose to visit me, and place flowers on the memoury of the man who lived and died for you. I desire only to be close to you..."
Look, I will not lie, as indeed I have never lied here nor have I lied much in all my life. When I was reading the book, and the revelation of their marriage ended on a happy thought, joy found amidst incredible suffering, longing and lonliness. Some 600 pages later it tells us what became of central characters, among them this couple.
So, when I then read about what happened after, with her forced repatriation and the tragedies that followed I literally felt as if the breath had been KICKED out of me, I cried for a good 5 minutes.
I have been struggling so much with the problems I now have with Rizza, and when I found out how the poor man had his happiness ripped from his soul, well let me merely say that I understood his pain more than I care to get into at the moment.
His death rallied many Pakistanis, and he had many hundreds of mourners when the army , by public demand, tried to inter his body in his wife's village...and yet the village males who were almost entirely the wife's family, came close to armed insurrection over the issue as they saw it as a challenge to their control of their womenfolk. Sadly this caused the army to relent and instead they interred him in a specially nuilt shrine back in the capital.
Still, her family desecrated the shrine and the man's remains.
This in turn sparked terrible outrage, as hundreds of Muslim men then stood guard over the refurbished shrine for along time after so as to prevent a repeat desecration.
I will continue...
To continue with the last entry...
Several years later both India and Pakistan agreed to a family reunification treaty, and ruled that no matter what circumstances have ensued, and children missing, less than 18 and unmarried, would be returned to their families, no exceptions.
This agreement was very well publicised in both nations and many families had joyous reunions...and then there were others like the case I am discussing...
Mr. Singh had 2 nephews who, until he had fallen in love, had been promised his property as an inheritance. Now denied this modest windfall, they informed the authorities that their uncle's wife was one such person stolen from her parents.
Despite her explanation that her husband had not stolen her, but had instead saved her life from the man who had, she was forcibly removed, along with her 1 year old daughter and taken to a huge and distant transit camp while her family was sought.
Her husband left his home and camped outside the camp, spending every day sitting next to her during visititng hours, as they both cried themsleves into exhaustion.
When her family was finally located after about 6 months, they realised she would soon be repatriated.
Desperate, he pled to be allowed to go with her but as a Sikh, he was categorically denied. Mr. Singh finally cut his hair, which as a Sikh had never been cut and then he formally converted to Islam.
Still, he was denied permission and when, days later she was taken to Pakistan, she sadly left their daughter with her father, not wanting to subject the infant to the grueling journey. Desperately she swore her love for him and promised to return as soon as she was able. He promised to wait, and to safeguard their child.
Months passed and he received no word, until finally he bundled up their daughter and walked the thousands of kilometers , illegaly on pain of death, into Pakistan.
Before she left she had made him promise to remember the name of her family's
village. Leaving their daughter with a Muslim chairity in the capital, he arrived in the village but when he sought information on his wife he was beaten to within inches of his death. Then he was angrily turned over to the Immigration Authorities as an illegal entrant.
Only when he was recovering in jail did he find that on the day the truck had deposited his wife in the village, her family had married her off to a cousin!
He was brought before a justice in his now very serious Immigration case, only to find that his case had been widely reported and throngs were eagerly awaiting all developments. This probablly saved his life, and yet he told the justice that he did not care. He told the justice he had but a single wish and if he was so obliged he swore he would return quietly to India without further burdening the courts.
The justice did not have much choice, he gave the one wish: He had the wife brought to the hearing, and asked her, per the wish, if she knew the man before her. She slowly answered that she did, he was her "first husband."
Then the final question: She was asked if she wanted to join her husband, and she hesitated...nervously fidgeting under the stern glances of her male relatives in a country that even today murders women who dare not obey her male family members unquestioningly. Finally she slowly shook her head and said ,very quietly, "No."
Hey husband moaned but caught himself before collapsing...He then walked over to her and handed their daughter to her with his remaining savings but after looking at her family who began screaming, the wife refused to accept the girl knowing that it would be a death sentence for her now almost 2 year old daughter.
Dejected, he made his way, daughter in hand to the bazaar where he bought a beautiful outfit for the gurgling baby.
Then he finally paid a letter writer to write a short note to his lost love...before finally heading to the capital train station.
Just as the train back to India pulled in he grabbed the babyand jumped under the engine!
Although he was killed, by a true miracle the little girl was not even scratched!!!!!!
It was after his body was recovered that the note he had written was finally read...These are the actual words:
"My Dearest Love, sadly you chose to listen to the multitudes, yet they will never tell you the truth. I always told you the truth. I know you have rejected me but I have one last wish: If you would be so generous as to allow me to be buried in your village cemetery? In this manner you might sometimes choose to visit me, and place flowers on the memoury of the man who lived and died for you. I desire only to be close to you..."
Look, I will not lie, as indeed I have never lied here nor have I lied much in all my life. When I was reading the book, and the revelation of their marriage ended on a happy thought, joy found amidst incredible suffering, longing and lonliness. Some 600 pages later it tells us what became of central characters, among them this couple.
So, when I then read about what happened after, with her forced repatriation and the tragedies that followed I literally felt as if the breath had been KICKED out of me, I cried for a good 5 minutes.
I have been struggling so much with the problems I now have with Rizza, and when I found out how the poor man had his happiness ripped from his soul, well let me merely say that I understood his pain more than I care to get into at the moment.
His death rallied many Pakistanis, and he had many hundreds of mourners when the army , by public demand, tried to inter his body in his wife's village...and yet the village males who were almost entirely the wife's family, came close to armed insurrection over the issue as they saw it as a challenge to their control of their womenfolk. Sadly this caused the army to relent and instead they interred him in a specially nuilt shrine back in the capital.
Still, her family desecrated the shrine and the man's remains.
This in turn sparked terrible outrage, as hundreds of Muslim men then stood guard over the refurbished shrine for along time after so as to prevent a repeat desecration.
I will continue...
Today is Monday, April 13th, 2009 and it is now 10:00 AM here in the Philippines.
I have been listening to Vocal Trance as I often do, it being my favourite genre of music.
My latest obsessions?
French DJ David Guetta, is a decent enough bloke but when he hooked up with JD Davis on the vocal portion he was mad! Davis sounds like Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan BEFORE the heroin knocked out his voice, though Gahan is still certainly fine enough to listen to any day of the week.
The song? "The World Is Mine," the Extended Mix, just came out this past October, and with a full on video that is easy enough on the eyes.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nShfIgOZRf0
The following, like the Marly piece in my recent entry, is also a slamming song from 1994 (Hey! It happened to be a decent year for me, aside from the American prison bullshit but I will just save that sordid tale for an upcoming "My Life" entry...
The DJs, Benassi Bros sound like they are Israeli by the name, but despite their mastery of Trance, alas they are mere Frenchmen, Dhany, on vocals is a girl I do not know much of anything about, other that she is still on the scene since I do remember seeing her on a 2007 Ultra compliation.
"Hit My Heart" actually has a real video, easy on the eyes as well as the ears.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQNcf6d_TIA
Reading wise, I actually was finally bold enough (and trusting enough of our security scheme on the compound) to take a trip with one of our convoys moving south, once again moving rice into ARMM, the Autonomous Muslim Region of Mindanao which is the semi-autonomous part of our island...As I said a while ago, the Recession has forced us further afield in our rice trade as we try to even out the expected drop in our traditional market.
Anyway, I rode in a 10 wheeler to move us through all the Check Points much faster. Had I been in my usual place, riding with the security SUVs we could have had major problems once we got halfway through ComVal Province, down on the Targum Plain as we rolled out of the Diwata Mountains.
At that point we would be well past the 1001 IB Base, and ergo past the point of facial recognition. Seeing a white face with an Ilaga rice convoy armed to the teeth could get hairy or at the very least take all day to accomplish.
As we crossed thr Davao City line I disembarked as the convoy stopped for the halfway point urine break, which in Philippine terms also means gads of sticky rice and soft drinks since I have rarely met a Bisaya or Illongo who has a yen for less than 4 full meals a day when they can ibtain them.
It was the perfect place for me to get out since it was about a klick north of the TFD (army Task Force Davao Security Check Point). It is possible to get permits for our gunmen to move woth their weapons through Davao as long as they stay in transit but like all else here to requires alot of wheel greasing, i.e. BRIBES.
So, instead, thw security detail skirts the city lines while the convoy stays on route, meeting up again just shouth of the city line, as do most convoys moving that far south abd these days many do...
I took a jeepney to the Victoria Mall, for a visa renewal (Immigration is just across the street) as well as a much needed mall break.
I was able to buy one of those Tom Clancy tactical biographies, this one about former USMC General Anthony Zinni.
Unbeknownst to me, Zinni had spent quite abit of time in the region, especially when he headed anelement on Okinawa, back in the mid 80s which also happens to coincide with my first times here.
However, he was on Luzon, the largest and best known of the islands and home to Manila. It was also at the time, home to US Installations like Subic, Clarke and a third, much smaller base near Subic whose name slips my mind at the moment.
He talks about having to head upa protective detail in an NPA infested district near Sagada (rebel country at the time, inLuzon), after a transport copter running an AID detail right after a typhoon flipped into a marsh.
They finally managed to tow it out witha 2nf Huey, but the heavier model, and then lost it over the China Sea before reaching the Carrier they were delivering it to!
He says that his element took some jungle craft training from Negrito guides that used to contract with Clark as Guides against the NPA during the Counter-Insurgency Deployments.
"Negrito," as one suspects means "'Little Black" and is the general term used to describe the pygmy like aboriginals who are the eaiest residents of SE Asia.
In Thailand, Mynammar/Burma and Malaysia they are nearly extinct but here they manage against great odds to survive in ever dwindling populations.
Here they are very rare, and are so deep in the bush that not even the guerilla bands come across that many...though I guess witha group living naked in the jungles, and having more than 20,000 years experience in their environments, you would not see too many unless they wanted you to.
I also picked up a few 2008 issues of the "New Yorker," the weekly literary magazine from America.
Lately though, I have been haunted by something that I have been obsessing about since finally finishing the book I rewcently mentioned, "Freedom at Midnight." The book by Larry Collins and Dominique LaPierre is a non-fiction account of the Independance Era of India and Pakistan, with a heavy dealing with Ghandi.
I could again talk about how fucked up old Mahatma really was but instead I am once again thinking about an actual event that took place in the Punjab right at Partition.
As some here undoubtedly know, Muslims moved from India to Pakistan while both Sikhs and Hindus left Pakistan for India , though India of course retained a very sizable Muslim population even after that point and into the present.
All groups engaged in incredible violence against one another and as is often the case world over, neighbour fought neighbour and here to fore friend making the violence all the more depressing and incredible.
As Indian Muslims moved through Punjab on their way to Pakistan, Sikhs engaged in the worst violence against them. Among this violence were the expected rapes and mutilations.
A poor Sikh farmer in Punjab named Boota Singh was working his small plot, on aday much like the rest of his 50 plus years: Hard at work and all alone since he had never been able to find a wife and family of his own.
Hearing screaming and smelling smoke he looked up from his plow to see a female Muslim teen being pursued by a torch wielding Sikh who was thrusting his traditional dagger at her in pursuit.
Singh stared in shock as the screaming girl begged the old man to help save her life...
The girl cowered behind Singh as her pursuer apprached cagily...
The old man stared at the much younger man and calmly asked him how much would it cost to nuy the girl. The young Sikh was suprised but named an astronomically high sum of 1500 rupees, a fortune even to an urban civil servant, let alone an illiterate Punjabi farmer!
Singh calmly took the girl into his shack,and returned with the cash and with it he bought the girl's life.
All over the region many such purchases were made but unlike almost all, Singh did not ask anything of the girl sexually or otherwise.
She was so grateful to be safe that she began keeping his house, and slowly he warmed to this unexpected intrusion into his life. He began spending his bit of money on little trinkets, a luxury the girl had never dreamed of experiencing...
Soon they actually fell in love, and with this thrilling realisation they had a Sikh wedding. Afterwards they settled into married life with a previously unknown bliss, a few years later having a daughter!
I will tell the rest in my next entry due to the limited character count allowed per entry...
I have been listening to Vocal Trance as I often do, it being my favourite genre of music.
My latest obsessions?
French DJ David Guetta, is a decent enough bloke but when he hooked up with JD Davis on the vocal portion he was mad! Davis sounds like Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan BEFORE the heroin knocked out his voice, though Gahan is still certainly fine enough to listen to any day of the week.
The song? "The World Is Mine," the Extended Mix, just came out this past October, and with a full on video that is easy enough on the eyes.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nShfIgOZRf0
The following, like the Marly piece in my recent entry, is also a slamming song from 1994 (Hey! It happened to be a decent year for me, aside from the American prison bullshit but I will just save that sordid tale for an upcoming "My Life" entry...
The DJs, Benassi Bros sound like they are Israeli by the name, but despite their mastery of Trance, alas they are mere Frenchmen, Dhany, on vocals is a girl I do not know much of anything about, other that she is still on the scene since I do remember seeing her on a 2007 Ultra compliation.
"Hit My Heart" actually has a real video, easy on the eyes as well as the ears.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQNcf6d_TIA
Reading wise, I actually was finally bold enough (and trusting enough of our security scheme on the compound) to take a trip with one of our convoys moving south, once again moving rice into ARMM, the Autonomous Muslim Region of Mindanao which is the semi-autonomous part of our island...As I said a while ago, the Recession has forced us further afield in our rice trade as we try to even out the expected drop in our traditional market.
Anyway, I rode in a 10 wheeler to move us through all the Check Points much faster. Had I been in my usual place, riding with the security SUVs we could have had major problems once we got halfway through ComVal Province, down on the Targum Plain as we rolled out of the Diwata Mountains.
At that point we would be well past the 1001 IB Base, and ergo past the point of facial recognition. Seeing a white face with an Ilaga rice convoy armed to the teeth could get hairy or at the very least take all day to accomplish.
As we crossed thr Davao City line I disembarked as the convoy stopped for the halfway point urine break, which in Philippine terms also means gads of sticky rice and soft drinks since I have rarely met a Bisaya or Illongo who has a yen for less than 4 full meals a day when they can ibtain them.
It was the perfect place for me to get out since it was about a klick north of the TFD (army Task Force Davao Security Check Point). It is possible to get permits for our gunmen to move woth their weapons through Davao as long as they stay in transit but like all else here to requires alot of wheel greasing, i.e. BRIBES.
So, instead, thw security detail skirts the city lines while the convoy stays on route, meeting up again just shouth of the city line, as do most convoys moving that far south abd these days many do...
I took a jeepney to the Victoria Mall, for a visa renewal (Immigration is just across the street) as well as a much needed mall break.
I was able to buy one of those Tom Clancy tactical biographies, this one about former USMC General Anthony Zinni.
Unbeknownst to me, Zinni had spent quite abit of time in the region, especially when he headed anelement on Okinawa, back in the mid 80s which also happens to coincide with my first times here.
However, he was on Luzon, the largest and best known of the islands and home to Manila. It was also at the time, home to US Installations like Subic, Clarke and a third, much smaller base near Subic whose name slips my mind at the moment.
He talks about having to head upa protective detail in an NPA infested district near Sagada (rebel country at the time, inLuzon), after a transport copter running an AID detail right after a typhoon flipped into a marsh.
They finally managed to tow it out witha 2nf Huey, but the heavier model, and then lost it over the China Sea before reaching the Carrier they were delivering it to!
He says that his element took some jungle craft training from Negrito guides that used to contract with Clark as Guides against the NPA during the Counter-Insurgency Deployments.
"Negrito," as one suspects means "'Little Black" and is the general term used to describe the pygmy like aboriginals who are the eaiest residents of SE Asia.
In Thailand, Mynammar/Burma and Malaysia they are nearly extinct but here they manage against great odds to survive in ever dwindling populations.
Here they are very rare, and are so deep in the bush that not even the guerilla bands come across that many...though I guess witha group living naked in the jungles, and having more than 20,000 years experience in their environments, you would not see too many unless they wanted you to.
I also picked up a few 2008 issues of the "New Yorker," the weekly literary magazine from America.
Lately though, I have been haunted by something that I have been obsessing about since finally finishing the book I rewcently mentioned, "Freedom at Midnight." The book by Larry Collins and Dominique LaPierre is a non-fiction account of the Independance Era of India and Pakistan, with a heavy dealing with Ghandi.
I could again talk about how fucked up old Mahatma really was but instead I am once again thinking about an actual event that took place in the Punjab right at Partition.
As some here undoubtedly know, Muslims moved from India to Pakistan while both Sikhs and Hindus left Pakistan for India , though India of course retained a very sizable Muslim population even after that point and into the present.
All groups engaged in incredible violence against one another and as is often the case world over, neighbour fought neighbour and here to fore friend making the violence all the more depressing and incredible.
As Indian Muslims moved through Punjab on their way to Pakistan, Sikhs engaged in the worst violence against them. Among this violence were the expected rapes and mutilations.
A poor Sikh farmer in Punjab named Boota Singh was working his small plot, on aday much like the rest of his 50 plus years: Hard at work and all alone since he had never been able to find a wife and family of his own.
Hearing screaming and smelling smoke he looked up from his plow to see a female Muslim teen being pursued by a torch wielding Sikh who was thrusting his traditional dagger at her in pursuit.
Singh stared in shock as the screaming girl begged the old man to help save her life...
The girl cowered behind Singh as her pursuer apprached cagily...
The old man stared at the much younger man and calmly asked him how much would it cost to nuy the girl. The young Sikh was suprised but named an astronomically high sum of 1500 rupees, a fortune even to an urban civil servant, let alone an illiterate Punjabi farmer!
Singh calmly took the girl into his shack,and returned with the cash and with it he bought the girl's life.
All over the region many such purchases were made but unlike almost all, Singh did not ask anything of the girl sexually or otherwise.
She was so grateful to be safe that she began keeping his house, and slowly he warmed to this unexpected intrusion into his life. He began spending his bit of money on little trinkets, a luxury the girl had never dreamed of experiencing...
Soon they actually fell in love, and with this thrilling realisation they had a Sikh wedding. Afterwards they settled into married life with a previously unknown bliss, a few years later having a daughter!
I will tell the rest in my next entry due to the limited character count allowed per entry...