I was nearing the end of my shift at work on Tuesday. Although I knew I shouldn't, I ended up calling Aimee and Don. Monday when I got off work, I was damn tired and stopped by Aimee's after work because I was depressed, the opiate come down. I had food I could no longer eat, cause my tooth had gotten out of control with pain. I have to be careful that nothing touched it, anything, even water hurt. I got my appointment with the dentist bumped up to that afternoon. So Aimee was dope sick and she and Don took the family car to get dope. Her 17 y/o son was due to be in court to get off probation.
"Would you PLEASE do me a big favor and take Cody to court?," she asked. There is only one car, her grandmother's and it gets shared between Nana, the great grandma, Linda, (Aimee's mother) Aimee herself, plus her son who always takes the keys without permission. They are a classic dysfunctional family, but obviously they have their redeeming qualities. NA has been so good to me, they have. I will never forget that. But in terms of a social life, I can't go on vacations with the NA people because I get no sick or vacation pay. Normal people take off the weekends, the days when I need to work the most.
I haven't seen most of the old NA group either, as life changes for everyone and new jobs, babies, sickness, or finances force them to move away. I've always understood this. I certainly don't mind spending a good deal of time alone, I've done so my entire life. Still, the one house that has always had it's doors open to me any time 24/7 whether sober, using, homeless, or prospering I've been welcomed with open arms. Often when people stop using, their using friends really don't have anything more to say, but that wasn't the case with Aimee and Linda.
I dropped Cody and Linda off to Juvie court, came home, crashed hard. I went to work Tuesday, then decided for once I want to be with friends I both like plus able to see me on my off hours, unlike most normal people. Well I did and yes I had a great time. Mom called there twice all worried saying "You CAN'T get back into doing that shit again, you just can't!" I assured her twice I was being good and I understand why she reacts the way she does. I know I'm playing with fire. Hell I shouldn't be doin this shit at all, but DAMN how I miss the commaraderie of the group like the old days.
With a little bit of dope (NOT alot) I can open up with people, talk and chill, have a great time. This is something I still haven't quite managed to pull off sober, as I tend to be rather quiet and reserved, and cursedly shy. The thing about being friend with dope fiends, especially when you're all high, are more able to tell it like it is. Aimee sure is. I am a better communicator buzzed, as long as I don't do ALOT. Well, since I started using small amounts of meth again, all of a sudden my sexuality became undormant. Sober, I was concentrating on recovery, getting my life back together, bla bla, but I swear even when I wanted to enjoy masturbation, sex with myself to obtain some type of release, it rarely was able to happen.
That's fucked up and sad. On a small dose of X or meth, it all came back. I could get myself off, doing it for hours if I wanted. Sober it was still difficult to even talk about sex, not that I had any, not even cyber. So this long time issue with Erik, my friend that I love very much, the one that asked me to marry him 4 yrs ago, still wants to...well the obvious issue of sex never was discussed because I didn't quite know how to go about it. I mean originally when we almost married, I hadn't been in love with him at the time, I only loved him as a friend. Therefore, I didn't care. Once I had feelings for him though, the thought of having a husband that I couldn't be inimate with even once in a while was very painful.
How do I tell a guy that loves me but CAN'T love me sexually that there is no way I can marry someone I love but can't have? Or if I did marry him and couldn't have sex with him, I'd want to be able to have an affair with a straight man, like John that DID want to be with me. I know how fucked up this all sounds, but Erik and I were tight. We were both junkies together, worked the streets together, survived together, shared our fun times and our dope together, until one day the money ran out and he was forced to move in order to find work. I was getting evicted from my apartment, about to be homeless, had no idea where I was going to be living from one day to the next.
We stayed tight though. He still loves me and I him, although we never really got the sex question out of the way, the elephant in the room, so to speak. It was almost midnight Tues Aoril 14th, and I said to Aimee, "It's Erik's birthday today, well the 15th actually, give or take a few minutes." "Great! Call his ass! I've heard so much about him." Aimee was a live one, and fun like always when she's high and not dope sick. So I call him, he answered and I told him happy B day. Well Erik I could tell had had a few happy chemicals too because when he's not chemed up, he's quiet and shy like me. So, I was surprised when he asked me, "Do you want to have a baby with me?" Whoa that was a lightening bolt!
"Are you serious?," I asked Erik. I doubt there's any way in hell I'll ever have a kid, although it could technically happen for several more years, maybe more. The romantic in me though has always thought about it. "If we had a girl I'd want to name her Erika," I said and it's true. "Ahhhhh," he said. "But Erik, um sex is sort of required in order to do that.....," there I finally said it. Aimee was making these obscene gestures indicating coitus, and laughing loud, talking over me and Erik and I couldn't hear. "What?," I asked Aimee. "Tell him...." she said.
I handed her the phone. "Here you tell him yourself," I said. The things people do when they're high. The fucked thing is is that all of us at that party as sober human beings, at least Erik and I for sure, somehow always end up avoiding uncomfortable discussions, so they don't get dealt with. Aimee got right to the point with him. "Erik you're gay, right?," I heard her ask. "Oh you're Bi?," "Ok, then if you're bi would you be able to let Tanya wear a strap on and fuck you up the ass?" OMFG!!!! Aimee!!! Holy shit high or not I was turning 10 shades of red. It was a question I'd been curious about, but never would have asked.
"Ok, if you both had dicks you could jack off together," I heard Aimee say, then "If you're in love with someone, doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, or what, if you dig the person then you should be able to just get down and be dirty whatever gets your groove on," she said. It sounded like Erik was agreeing. At some point she gave the phone back to me and we talked about last names. "Just think, Erik if we had had $60 when you were here, I'd be Tanya Tarantino Simpson." "I wouldn't mind changing my last name to yours," he said, something he had told me back in 2005 when we were trying to get a city hall marriage arranged.
He's the only guy I've ever heard say that, well except for John Lennon who I read changed his name to John Ono Lennon. "Yeah you should both use you're last name," said Aimee. She likes my last name. That's sweet, but I'm a little old fashioned I guess because I'd feel like I should be taking his last name. "You look like a Simpson though," I told Erik. I could always keep both names. I'm a romantic, but also a realist. Marriage or motherhood could never happen unless and until we both get our shit together. I'm deeply touched by Erik wanting to have a baby with me. I think he'd be a good, nurturing daddy, especially with a daughter because daughters you can be more openly affectionate with. Guys have a different set of rules to be raised by.
"Fuckin Aimee, what did he SAY when you asked him those questions?," I asked. "He really loves you," she said. "And he laughed when I asked him the dildo question, but totally agreed with me about having the right mind set than whether or not the person is male or female, if you love them, anything goes," or something like that. I love Erik and everything, but at the same time I do NOT want him to try to be something he's not and attempt sex out of a sense of duty. I only want it out of love. Regardless, I love him w/o sex, I love him for him, but when talking about marriage I'd have to know exactly where I stand before going into it.
Written for Erik:
7/14/05
Who Knew
who knew you anyway
standing on the corner
nothing to say
could anyone be so cruel?
could she have lied
over and again
all the while never did send
who knew you gave
away this old heart
for me to mend
i dont really know
why i always loved
your dolls, your outfits
your traveling show
one chaste candy kiss
i can still taste
chocolates and daffodils
camel cigarettes and codeine refills
1st black tar sugar kiss
how is it ur so pure?
i love you still
little boy doll
of secondhand razorblades
and secondhand skies
a young stranger waiting
at the train station
COME BACK! sweetness 4 a 2nd cup
i took the 2nd hand heart
in a heart shaped box
who knew i always loved anyway
I wish I had more time, but my back and muscles hurt and got to start getting ready for work damn it.
Coupland), Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, and a new sudoku book.
