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Ive been working pretty hard on improving my life since quitting meth. Its over 6 months now. Im doing pretty good, but still fall into stupid thinking patterns and start reliving things that have happened in the past.

I dont know why I let people I dont talk to anymore get into my brain. I dont know what upset me more today- seeing Mel banned or ?for some reason? My message to her removed.

Thats all just silly. Why would I even have concern that someone I know got a lot out of this place was banned anyway? Is it a big deal to her? Why would it be to me ?

Why am I thinking about this, its easter and Ben is here and we are enjoying the time we have together.

Oh well. She will probably be one of those people who Ill always wonder about, whats going on with them, if they are happy. Was bound to happen one day.

I wonder about too many people when I should just forget them and live for the now.

the wind outside is cold and when it picks up speed, howling through the trees and blowing the leaves and the dirt from the unpaved road around, branches on the oaks and the maples and spruces native to the area wagging up and down, side to side gently, violently, moods and attitudes and opinions of the earth changing and shifting around constantly, it's easy to imagine that nothing exists outside of where i am, right now, at this moment.
i consider what it would be like to be the last surviving human in an entire planet covered in a forest inhabited by animals who can't talk back to me, argue with me, insult me, judge me, hire me, fire me. write me letters of recommendation. deny my loan request. an entire world of creatures who either fear me or don't fear me, want to eat me or don't want to eat me and who definitely don't have some silly desire to be my friend.

the sun has been setting now for what could be an eternity but is probably only a moment or two. glowing lines of sharp light cutting through the empty spaces where branches and trees don't overlap each other, letting in some view of the skyline, a reminder that there is life outside of where i am and watching the sun set i'm glad for the impending darkness attempting to smother me with some sense of calm.

podia, i say out loud into the air blowing in my face, drying out my eyes, looking up towards the trees rumbling where they stand, trying to uproot themselves and then, ser melhor. podia ser mais mau the trees cackle back, laughing, holding their fat bellies and pitying me for reasons i think i'll never understand. i climb into my car and fire up the ignition. continue traveling on down the road.

There's so many things that make me just want to give up on "friends." Am I really so forgettable? Why do I even keep bothering?

My 40 days are almost up and to be honest, it pretty much flew by. Though I'd attribute that to being extremely busy more than I would to it being easy. I mean, on one hand, it was as easy as you'd expect not smoking weed for 40 days to be. But I won't lie, there were days when it was really, really hard not to scrap the whole thing and get super stoned. The days when other of life's challenges got the best of me and I missed my old buddy weed terribly. But I committed to this endeavor and I intended to see it through.

Having done so (almost), I've concluded that weed is a positive presence in my life. Nothing so quickly and easily takes the edge off from a rough day at work or a difficult situation. I'm sure D missed me having it for just that reason; stress can make me very irritable! Also, I was no more motivated than I am when I'm smoking daily and in fact, when it came to things like cleaning and doing homework and writing papers (which I'm doing way too much of lately), I was far less inspired. And I did find I was drinking more to compensate. Not on a daily basis, but at parties or when hanging out friends and I far prefer weed to alcohol in just about every way. So, bottom line, I'll be glad to have it back.

There is a Good Friday celebration planned, complete with my new favorite z pizza, an ice cream cake, and the reemergence, from the depths of the closet, of my beautiful bong.

Yes I do. I enjoy this emotion. It is the only one I've felt since going back on my meds

Tramadol makes me one happy mother fucker, but I'm already taking too much. Over a gram in 24 hours. I've never had a seizure before when I took that much all at one time. BUt the mood stabilizer I'm on is used also to teat epilepsy. So I'm far less worries about it. I'm not having any jerks or anything like I did now and then before.

I'm just chasing that high. I just can't seem to get high enough! I've missed this drug so much and I can't get as fucked up as I want. I nod out, but the euphoria just isn't there as much as I want. I would love to have Sean here just to hold me close and touch me and maybe pet my hair (that feels so good). But I think he might be upset that I'm getting back into it. Like I've said he always wants what best for me and he doesn't like me abusing drugs and running the risk and pain of getting addicted.

He talked to me the other night. He wants me to do a cleansing on the old house that he is moving in. I think maybe I've have exposed him to too much paranormal information, true stories. So I'll have to say a few prayers and burn some sage for him. I guess it leaves a blank slate and is good for new beginnings and he needs that. And even if it just has a placebo effect on him that's great.

I get to see Sean tomorrow! He is having me come over to watch a movie with one of our favorite actors in it. We just couldn't wait until the weekend to see each other. We talk pretty much everyday. I call or we text. Its really great to feel so imp rant in some one's life. I appreciator him so much, and really with everything goin on, and how scared I was that Sean would leave over Michael it worked out for the best. I can see that I don't need or even want him in my life. People can only hurt me ifI don't let them. Hence getting Michael out of my life and adding a few people to my ignore list. If I react to it and then they get what they want. Its sad that they have to pick on someone who has mental disorders that she didn't ask for. Its not my fault but I have to try to get better.

Well I keep nodding out like every 2 minutes. I'm worried that I might fall asleep, but not yet. I've had quit a bit. But I'm still able to write this and make sense I think...lol

Although I am well aware that this person is suffering greatly (it is evident by his words and actions). I want him to suffer more.

I have done nothing to encroach on his tiny world and yet he attempts to belittle me. A complete stranger to me has gone so far to instigate me towards actions that would make his actions justifiable.

I ignored this stranger's attempts. Only this time.

I want this fucker to feel REAL pain. I want this fucker to lose what is important to him. I want this fucker to live so that he can feel pain every day. I don't want this fucker to sleep. Sleep would be a respite to his pain.

I want him to fail and hurt.

I did nothing, nor will I pursue the HORRIBLE thoughts I think.

He is hurting enough I suppose. It isn't up to me to decide whether it is an acceptable amount.

I am extreme, I know. Pain, pain, pain. There isn't enough that I can think of that would suffice.

Its not up to me but I wish I could be a fly on the wall when his pain is the greatest.

Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.

Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.

Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.

Work tomorrow. Really don't want to go. Not feeling good. Cold, tired, sick of it all. Feeling alone and disillusioned. Almost done with Suboxone detox. Down to half a pill twice a day. Will be looking for new doctor afterwards, need long term maintenance. Dose I was on two weeks ago perfect. Had a taste of normalacy and stability. Loved it. Won't let it slip through fingers.

I've been doing lots of figure drawing this month. My abstract / doodle work has sort of taken a back seat. I'm not totally sure how I feel about my figure drawings. The process is both frustrating and rewarding.

I get easily overwhelmed by the amount of 'detail' the world and the model reveal to me -- the contours, cross-contours, the shadows and lights, the texture or patterning on the skin, the 180º panorama of the model/backdrop/studio she's in. What I mean is, I sometimes have trouble deciding exactly what my line is rendering, let alone if my lines are 'matching up' with whats 'really there.'

It's hard to draw the details of hands , toes , knuckles from 12' away also. I suppose its a matter of scope. Above all I want to make an interesting drawing, but I am always aware of realist versus stylistic choices I'm making.

John Doe wrote: > Hi sexy.....I hope you remember what I look like?...you are one of the sexiest woman I have ever made love to. Dont ever change or lose your passion and beauty which is inside you.....and your external beauty is lovely also. > Love n hugs

March, 2009, 8:41 AM
> Sweetheart, I've got 2 say that i love wot the years have done 4 u. I am turned on even more. If it ever works out that we can have a nite or 2 alone, then I'm urs 2 do anything we want 2 do. How may i pleasure u? Thinkn about sending waves of ecstasy, orgasms rockn ur body gets my pussy wet and my nipples hard. I'd love 2 love u again and again xoxo Your, Jane Doe (hehe)

John Doe wrote:
> So baby I would love to pleasure you as your master for more than just a night....I would love to enter the depths of your mind and release the woman inside you that I adore...to release your desires in passion and beauty and to express it through your body...through every nerve ending through every fibre of your body and then to enter your soul and for you to allow me to go there to make love in the sweetest and most secure way and to trust and give yourself to me totally and surrender to me so that I make love to you by fucking your brains out and for you to feel me as part of you when my cock is inside you and for you to hold my cum in you aftrer I have released it inside you in loving union..........
> You are beautiful and special baby..xxxxxx


So the short letters above give an idea of the kind of lover I haven't had in exactly 8 yrs. I'm keeping my mind set on cyber only, but we were together in real life for a week 8 years ago. Since my affair with John Doe, there hasn't been anyone since him that communicates to me that way, romantically, passionately, not just lustfully. Just the cyber and emails are sweet enough for me, although he has said repeatedly he is going to come out here as soon as he can. I loved the way he treated me before as a lover and sex partner and I am finding out that sensuality, romance, and lust are not gone from me. I've only been with 2 other men that were as attentive as this one is, long before John Doe.

I told him I no longer have my full capacity of physical beauty that I once had, though I didn't go into why. So I liked his older pics, dunno if he'll like mine, but this is the body I have right here, right now. So if he doesn't like it, I will understand. It just feels kind of like a high, opening up another sensation I've not had in so long: sexual pleasure with someone that takes his time. We keep having frequent conversations though and he's told me a few things he must do with me, I've never done. No one has ever asked me to keep my eyes open the entire time we're making love, but most especially right at the time of orgasm. I guess I did it once with him 8 yrs ago. It was different, but how does one go about doing that? I've practiced closing my eyes so long, even during masturbation, its a reflex for me to close them.

He said 8 yrs ago and is saying again now how he wants to see the surrender in my eyes right before releasing myself to him, and he to me. I always thought it sounded soo sweet, but I told him no one had ever asked me that. I'll have to learn to do it his way somehow. lol. I was very touched before at how attentive he was and I still am. Just hearing him tell me somehow makes me experience it all over again and again in my mind. At this point, that's all it is, a matter of him turning me on so much mentally. I wish everyone else knew that or was at least willing to be taught. I've almost always been the kind of person that is attracted first to someone's mind over how he looks physically.

He can be butt ugly, but over time if he's got something special between his ears then thats all she wrote as far as I'm concerned. I do appreciate physical beauty as well, but for me the mental has to come first. He had made some mention also of how he'd love 4 me 2 swallow his issue, but he said, "But I noticed before, u didn't like to do that." Funny how after all this time, he's the only person I finally ever openly and honestly discussed with. "To be completely honest, the reason I didn't do it b4, is because 2 this day that something I still haven't tried." The thought of that used to gross me out, that's why I never did it, even with the man I was engaged to marry.

"Hell John, I guess ud think by now I'd know, but thats another first. I don't know how, just one gf told me she took her bf's cock all the way 2 the back of her throat in order 2 do that. I feel like a 15 y/o. You're going 2 have to show me how." "Nnooooo. No deep throating baby, ul gag. I just want to put the tip of my cock, rest it halfway in ur mouth, u just swallow in one gulp that way." "Ok baby as long as u dont mind that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, then ok. That would be very embarrassing to be caught gagging in front of u, and that sure doesn't sound very pleasant 4 u." "There is nothing embarrassing about making love. Nothing you should be ashamed of."

"Well u sure managed to pick a lot of firsts for me John." "Have you made love in any woods since we did?," he asked. "No, no woods. Another first and probably last on that one too," I said. Whatever little sex I did have since him has been relatively boring and mundane, if you can even call it sex when the other partner can't keep a woody. I am so turned on and so loving the way John is treating me and talking to me. I love how sweet he was before, very giving lover. This is the only reason why I will even try 2 do something I've always been queasy about. The open eyes too is WHOA!

I've always been shy that way about covering my face at the end of sex, either by my preference in position, from behind, or its 2 dark 2 really see, or if not close my eyes and sometimes cover my face. That right there just told me I'm feeling as if my vulnerability is being exposed and still uncomfortable with the idea to be completely honest. Wow. I don't want 2 see such intense emotions bare naked on my face, because now that I think about it, I've always felt that way. Sadly a word just softly popped into my mind, "protection." Those were barriers I had between myself and to prevent others from hurting me. Condoms were another physical barrier I always used....the exception being John and my ex fiance.

I got tested 4 everything, he did too, but he had been the first 8 yrs ago in a long time to have me bareback, all natural. I was the first person who tried back door as well. I had been very nervous. It was on my last day in Dublin and I dressed up in a French Maid outfit and pretended to be crashed out on top of the bed before it was time to drive me back to Dublin airport. I would not have wanted 2 do any of this if anyone else were asking me for it, all the "its" he's asked me for. Also, on an emotional level this swallowing business feels very intimate emotionally, in fact not doing it is a way to help make sure I keep a lid on my feelings. He's an affair, not a life partner. I've unconsciously all along had these barriers in place to keep me from getting my heart tore up any worse than it might.

I am going to have to have a very honest chat with him about this, because he is being so intimate, but what's gonna happen if I let all these barriers down and I don't want him to leave? I think it's a good thing though that I was completely honest with him. I would have avoided discussing issues that I wasn't quite comfortable with or sure of. It really DID feel good 2 just do it for once instead of go all shy and retreat. I'm tripping on all this shit I just now consciously learned and became aware of about myself.
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Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....

................

Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.


"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."

Laying in bed last night with my girl's warm naked body pressed against mine, her dog snuggled tightly between my legs and my boy snoring loudly on his doggie pillow was nice.

Its morning now, 'M' left to run errands and scramble to make a doctors appointment so that her son can be 'authorized' to play one of his sports (not sure which).

I'm sitting on the sofa, watching TV and her cocker spaniel is laying next to me sleeping peacefully. I don't think he can get any closer. He's quite fond of me and it feels good that something so innocent trusts me.

My big Akita is laying on the floor, relaxing. He's quite expert at relaxing.

On our walk this morning, it was comical to see my 110 pound dog walking next to this tiny cocker. They are good friends. Her cocker tolerates my old pups incessant eagerness to play and my boy tolerates his tendency to snuggle close to his guardian.

Yes, this is the life.

Wow! I've been taking 20mg paxil/paroxetine for a lot of years. I just went back on it a few months ago. Well, I wasn't able to fill my script yesterday and I could feel the effects of wd rather strongly. Usually I can do two days without before I get the tingling sensations in my arms and hands. I guess my body is changing but FUCK this sucks.

I hate meds that don't get me high!

I'm sorry that I haven't been responding to the posts in The Dark Side. Often I don't have the attention span, or energy or its very early in the morning. But you get what you put in. Also to those who actually read my blogs, I'm sorry that I haven't kept up on yours. I will try to catch up. But sometimes I just feel like what I have to say really isn't worthwhile anyway... "Yeah I understand, I'm sorry, feel better," broken record. I don't feel like I'm very productive.

There is a curious pleasure in stabbing one's self with a syringe full of medical-grade Ketamine. Slow and steady, relax, breath, keep pressing down, slow, slow, steady... a good I.M. should not hurt at all...

The needle is then pulled out, and disposed off hygienically. Mere moments pass before one begins to feel it... ahh, that wonderful "loosening" of one's "screws", so to say. And that aetheric smell - one of the most recognizable ever. It permeates ones olfactory senses so long as the Ketamine maintains its effect.

Rapidly, the world outside begins to shrivel away. The traffic, the incessant car horns, the desperate rickshaw bells, the market screams, the scammers, the brahmins, the babas, the sadhus, the lepers, the beggars, the policemen, the children playing in the abandoned mansion beside the guesthouse, the foreigners chatting loudly in the restaurant upstairs, the puja cymbals, the workers howling at each other, the cellphone rings, the barking dogs...... Varanasi crumples away from consciousness and soon is no more.

The rest of the universe doesn't lag far behind Varanasi, either. Soon one is enveloped by only the self, having effectively severed ties with everything outside and behind the skin.

Then, visions of grandeur begin. They are not megalomaniacal, perhaps a good sign of one's mental condition (as I hear some people get seriously egoistic after chronic K use), but they are nonetheless self-aggrandizing or, at the very least, positive.

There is a focus on achievement, opportunity, intellect, realistic solutions to problems, noble ambitions, and so on.

As the blood gets more saturated with Ketamine, one seems to rise beyond the sphere of reality, in which said positive ideas simply have no place, and so they give way to something entirely different. And the best part is that you can never, ever predict what that something will be! It is always a surprise. Having left fear at the door (for fear is also of the lowly world of words), one is ready for such surprises without hesitation...

I am on the train from Kolkata to Varanasi.

"Chai Chai" the ever-ubiquitous milk-tea peddlers repeat, the mantra of the poor, the moan of the downtrodden. This is the India I have experienced, in four syllables.

"Chai Chai."

You see, in India, every time a train stops at a station, a slew of peddlers, beggars, hijra (cross-dressers), shoe-shiners, charity workers, snack-sellers, thieves... basically anyone, really, gets on the train to offer their goods, rendering the "sleeper" car sleepless as the train stops very frequently.

"Chai Chai."

Are we there yet?

"Chai Chai."

Deja vu. Perhaps the most common of all Ketamine side-effects.

I've been on this train before. I've taken this trip just a few days ago. So why am I doing it again?

"Chai Chai."

It never ends.

I've been on this train for years.

I have chosen to stop taking Tramadol and...

"Chai Chai."

Ugh, where was I? It doesn't matter. I'm on this train for the sixy seventh time now.

"Chai Chai."

How many stops till Varanasi? Or was it Kolkata that I'm going to?

I have to meet Rob back in Kolkata.

This is the same train I took to Varanasi. No, wait it isn't, let me see how cooperative my eyes are for a minute...

"Chai Chai."

No, the one I took from Kolkata to Varanasi was the "Amritsar Express". This one going the other way is the "Amritsar Mail", as my ticket suggests. Ah Amritsar, the city of the Sikhs... the least I could do is send it some, um, mail...



Dear Amritsar,

It saddens me to inform you that I won't be seeing you on this trip as was planned. Please send the Himalayas my regards, as I won't be seeing them after you, either.

You see, an Angel came into my life. His name is Rob. He convinced me to stop Tramadol cold-turkey. And I did. This is day 4!

Rob had to go back to Kolkata, and I, having decided against Nepal due to reports of border closures and due to my physical unrest, have decided to follow him there. I was not able to book in the same train as he did, but I took the next one, and by tomorrow morning, we'll both be back in Kolkata.

Yours Sincerely,

Yazan.



"Chai Chai."

"Once, Paravati tried to woo Shiva into loving her. But Shiva was actually trying to woo Paravati into doing the same. Neither knew what the other was up to, and both got angry at their failures.

Paravati cursed Shiva. He shall be reborn as a clueless man, wandering around the world aimlessly.

Shiva cursed Paravati. She shall be reborn as a clueless bee, wandering around the world aimlessly.

As they were entering the cycle of rebirth together, they realized their mistakes. But time was running out fast. What shall we do? Shiva said: 'If we touch each other, we shall remember our divine nature...'

And so they were reborn. The clueless youth went wandering around the world aimlessly. One day he found a beautiful flower. As he was about to pick it, he was stung by a bee that was sitting on it. And he remembered, and the bee remembered, and so they returned to their divine nature, and loved each other eternally."

This was one of the tens of stories an Indian student on the train (from Kolkata to Varanasi) shared with me...

I hope I'll remember who I am by the time I get to Kolkata. I hope I don't get mugged. I hope I don't forget anything. I'm very afraid. Very afraid. The pain of loneliness is too heavy to bear...

Oh, looks like I've sobered up a bit?

It seems I'm in a guest-house room. But which one? I don't remember and I don't care. I feel pain. I need Rob. He said he'll be back in a couple of hours. It's only 2:15. I have time. Let's do another shot!

I smell the aether.

I am this.

I am that.

No, I am not. Let's do another shot...

...

Ah, this one is interesting. It is that Ketamine experience.

The universe shrunk considerably, but not completely. It stopped at a certain point. The entirety of human life is reduced to three ridiculous scenarios (missing a LOT of vital information, but still working anyway) which kept cycling over and over again, without reprieve. For example, there seems to be no real difference between up and down, left or right.

And for that hour, this was life, and it has always been that way, and will always be. I may have dreamt of a world with directions, but that was only a dream.

But K-shrunk life goes on.

And on.

And on. Even in miniature, life remains samsaric.

Then it is gone.

The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.

Out of Shiva's third-eye does the world spring to life, and from Shiva's third-eye does it perish in fire.

"Chai Chai."

Back on the train.

When will this be over?

Wait, it actually is over.

I am in my room. And this is the room in Kolkata!

Rob was kind enough to reserve me a room as soon as he arrived.

....

A quick trip to a large pharmacy was fruitful - their last two vials of Ketamine were available for purchase, because as we all know, every foreigner has a horse to tranquilize.

But the two vials eventually end.

I spend days 6 and 7, the worst days, roaming Kolkata in search of more Ketamine to forget my body for a while and run away from the pain. I eventually find one who is willing to obtain it for me for an inflated price (that said, it is still only 20% of it's price back home!).

When I was not doing the K pilgrimage, I spent my time with Rob and another Angel: Maya, who is a friend of Rob's. She makes me laugh, she makes Rob laugh, she makes the locals laugh. And she has a horrifyingly sad story to go with it...

At the end of day 6, I finally get my K. I go back to my room, lock the door, and do shot after shot in a sort of divine frenzy.

I want to obliterate myself to get closer to my beloved.

Maybe this byzantine self-stabbing isn't the best way to go at it.

But at the time it was all I had. I cannot remember how many times I poked myself for the past five days, but the fact that I lost count is alone very telling.

One more stab. One more.

I am not. The beloved and I are one. For a few precious moments...

Edited to match the updated version.

Sean and I after he got his hair cut. His new look makes him look even younger. Certainly not 27 right? I him.
Always randomly acting like a dork...


Then laughing about it, he makes me laugh.


Aww the good one is blurry. We will have to take more pictures. He doesn't act like he minds too much. I love pics of us together for some reason. He makes me so damn happy. Look at that damn face, how can you resist. He looks happy...yeah?


He "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and was moody. Made it difficult to have a good time. We got through it, it wasn't my fault. But when we finally went to eat we both needed a drink. "Smile honey, don't be moody."

He is a little concerned about the house. Its rather old and his oldest brother had lived there before and said he had paranormal stuff happen and Sean said he had heard stuff. I'm very interested in the paranormal but I don't want to be encountering it in a place where I "live", I want to be able to leave when I get scared or feel in danger ya know.
So he wants me to get some bound sage and do some Native American smugging to bless and cleanse the house. I'm thinking about also putting salt in the corners of his room as well as saying some christian prayers and scriptures and having him assert himself and myself over any spirits that might be present. I know I sound a little crazy but better safe than sorry. Plus there has been a lot of remodeling. They gutted the house and that can upset ppl that haven't passed o because they don't like you changing their home. If anyone has any suggestions on how to do this or whatever I would be very open to it.

Liek I said Sean got a new look and shaved a bit. He doesn't even look anywhere close to 27. I'll have to post pictures.

I guess perhaps part of the reason I've been so happy is because I've been on Tramadol all day. I love that stuff , although I'm not getting the nodding high I want. I had to switch to the Fioricet this evening because I already had 600mg. I do that a lot though and never had a problem. I don't think I really ever had a problem with it, I just really like it. I'm pretty sensitive to chemical releases in my brain so its f'ing wonderful. Sean isn't too keen on it but he says as long as it doesn't get out of control...whatever that is really. Plus for some reason he has a hard time telling when I'm high, most other people can spot it a mile away people I won't shut up, stim come up, my pupils get really little, my eyes bug out a bit and when the opiate effect kicks in the way I like it my eyes try to look at the back of my skull and I nod out.

That reminds me. I got pulled over the other day because I was weaving on the road again. I hadn't slept in 48 hours because I had forgotten about homework. I just told the officer that I had to turn into my midterm paper that I had stayed up working on. He understood and just said turn it in and then get some sleep. I did but then I slept through my next class. Sucks, becuase I WAS there. Sean says I never get enough sleep which is true. I woke up to some guy in my face, apparently they were concerned because I was very difficult to wake up and they though something was wrong with me... scary huh?
I'll be talking to the Dr. about bumping up my Ambien to 20mg. I have done it already but its just better to get a supply to last ya know. I just know that's how much I need to sleep through the night and not wake up.

right now I'm trying to get healthier and giving work and school more priority. Sean can be a bit lazy, especially now that he is on voluntary unemployment and not working (I really hope he keeps his word and puts his time to good use. He should get his driver's licence back in June if he completes everything) which means I don't go to work or school which isn't cool. I really need to be responsible to do that. And he tries to be logical and get me to do that even when I'm being illogical.

I know I'm being a little BPD because right now he is on a pedestal and can do no wrong and once he does I'm going to get pissed and knock him off it, but at least I know that is the cycle of things, so at least I'm aware.

Sean knows tanning makes me feel better about my body so he encourages it. MY my stomach tans pretty well but my legs don't so much. Pictures? My mom said its been years since I've been this tan. eat your heart out guys Lol j.k but its nice to have some self confidence. He helps. Although it kinda sucks that my make-up looks too light and I don't wanna spend the money to get new...

I think we are both just doing better in our relationship and working on it. I feel like he is opening up to me more emotionally and is more comfortable with knowing how I feel. I'm also learning to pick my battles that little things aren't worth the fight, I'm very emotional and it often can be draining and end in tears. But I think its really helping. Plus I'm appreciating him more of course, eye opening. And actually with me being so lovey, its not seeming to bother him. I'm sure if I was like that ALL the time it would get a little much but he likes to see me happy. But I feel that we are more connected communicating and understanding better, opening up about things...I can't believe its only been 3 months. When I think that it can't get better, he can't say something sweeter, show he loves me more or I could fall for him more it happens. Also, I've come to REALLY trust him. Trust that he isn't going to leave me, he isn't going to give up on me. He will be with me through thick and thin and I have NEVER had that before. Its is a HIGE step for me.

Thats about it I think, Freaking raving about Sean.