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I went down to Aimee's house about a half hour before I was due at work Thursday. I brought a bag of food over for Linda, then went about the business of trying to find my phone. I went to look for Aimee and Don, but they were gone. "They've been gone all day," said Linda. "We don't know where they are. They have the car." Sigh. Fine. That explains it. They probably went looking for dope with Nana's car and my phone. I wasn't too worried if they did have it because all they'd use it for is to call whatever connects they had and have a way 4 their connect to reach them. Still, not knowing was eating me up. Linda's phone rang, then she went off on a methalogue to the caller.
I was getting impatient and Linda wouldn't tell whoever she was talking to to hold on for a second so I could be on my way to work. I HATE not having my phone. All my contacts, very few phone numbers memorized, no way to text, go on the internet away from home, no calculater, no alarm, I was not happy. I had taken 2 extra painkillers b4 I left home because I was pissed. Word of advice, don't ever do that. Instead of calming you down, they tend to get your ass all the more riled, so when Linda was ignoring me and my time ran out, I HAD to get to work, I heard myself yelling, "MOTHERFUCKER!," slamming doors, then getting ready to take off in my car.
Old behavior was creeping back in, not good. Just as I was ready to get in the car, Linda came out calling my name. I used her phone to car my own number and Aimee answered. "Hey girl I wondered what the fuck happened to my damn phone," I said. "Don't worry, we have it. We're on our way back from the hospital. I had a blood clot they had to relieve....", is what it sounded like she said. The hospital gig has been an ongoing thing with Aimee every bit as much as going in and out of jail and prison. "We'll be back in 10 mintues if you want to wait," she said. "No listen. I'm going to be late for work. I need to pick it up tomorrow morning after work," "Ok," she said.
I felt MUCH better on the drive to work. I had calmed down and got to work on time. Funny how the one day in a long time I hadn't eaten for what 2 days? The Vietnamese family I work with had cooked and offered Vietnamese food and would I join them? Damn that was good grub and very nice of them. I really feel wanted around that family the past few months, as well as the other one I take care of too. So after work, I stopped by Aimee's and her head was all bandaged and she looked like someone had beaten the crap out of her. Apparently after I left a couple nights ago, her son came back in her room in a drunkan rage and started breaking things, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her. "OMG! Jesus Aimee, I sooo fucking wanted to call the cops, but shit I couldn't!" Sigh. "I don't know how to help you, Aimee. What do you want me to do?," I asked. "Call the cops," said Don. "And get you both arrested?," I asked.
That's the problem. She agreed that if I'd called during the 1st attack that I'd heard going on, the cops would have come and arrested her and Don for all the drug paraphenalia they always had out. Any dope always gets done immediately, but that's where this country's laws are fucked up man. Cody, her son is a big guy. He is capable of doing, and did, a lot of damage. After the 1st attack, he didn't seem drunk, he gave me a hug, acted happy and fine. Aimee said that had she called the cops her Mom and Gramma threatened to kick her out and she has no where else to go. I hate what Cody did, but I understand why he did what he did. It's all this pent up anger, no doubt, at having a Mom all his life either nodded out, dope sick, or in prison.
Still, I don't want him to kill my friend. Aimee gave me permission to call the cops next time, so fine I will, but hell I know she will get arrested again. If it would save her and get Cody some help, it's better than her dying. Still, this is a very difficult situation. I'm staying away for now. My hands are tied, because I want to help my friends but I don't know how, other than praying for them, which I've done. Aimee had said a few nights ago that kicking is a lot harder now, at our ages 44 and 43, than it was when we were Don's age, 25. This is why 1/4 meth every other month is the most I want to do, if at all.
I had a great time the other night, but everything has changed now from what it was. So I'm drug free the past few days, except for my nightly dose of 2 painkillers to taper gradually. My Rx is down to 6 pills and I'm gonna take 2 a night til they run out. I guess if the doc refuses to refill, at least the kick won't be nearly as bad off this as the tramadol.
I was getting impatient and Linda wouldn't tell whoever she was talking to to hold on for a second so I could be on my way to work. I HATE not having my phone. All my contacts, very few phone numbers memorized, no way to text, go on the internet away from home, no calculater, no alarm, I was not happy. I had taken 2 extra painkillers b4 I left home because I was pissed. Word of advice, don't ever do that. Instead of calming you down, they tend to get your ass all the more riled, so when Linda was ignoring me and my time ran out, I HAD to get to work, I heard myself yelling, "MOTHERFUCKER!," slamming doors, then getting ready to take off in my car.
Old behavior was creeping back in, not good. Just as I was ready to get in the car, Linda came out calling my name. I used her phone to car my own number and Aimee answered. "Hey girl I wondered what the fuck happened to my damn phone," I said. "Don't worry, we have it. We're on our way back from the hospital. I had a blood clot they had to relieve....", is what it sounded like she said. The hospital gig has been an ongoing thing with Aimee every bit as much as going in and out of jail and prison. "We'll be back in 10 mintues if you want to wait," she said. "No listen. I'm going to be late for work. I need to pick it up tomorrow morning after work," "Ok," she said.
I felt MUCH better on the drive to work. I had calmed down and got to work on time. Funny how the one day in a long time I hadn't eaten for what 2 days? The Vietnamese family I work with had cooked and offered Vietnamese food and would I join them? Damn that was good grub and very nice of them. I really feel wanted around that family the past few months, as well as the other one I take care of too. So after work, I stopped by Aimee's and her head was all bandaged and she looked like someone had beaten the crap out of her. Apparently after I left a couple nights ago, her son came back in her room in a drunkan rage and started breaking things, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her. "OMG! Jesus Aimee, I sooo fucking wanted to call the cops, but shit I couldn't!" Sigh. "I don't know how to help you, Aimee. What do you want me to do?," I asked. "Call the cops," said Don. "And get you both arrested?," I asked.
That's the problem. She agreed that if I'd called during the 1st attack that I'd heard going on, the cops would have come and arrested her and Don for all the drug paraphenalia they always had out. Any dope always gets done immediately, but that's where this country's laws are fucked up man. Cody, her son is a big guy. He is capable of doing, and did, a lot of damage. After the 1st attack, he didn't seem drunk, he gave me a hug, acted happy and fine. Aimee said that had she called the cops her Mom and Gramma threatened to kick her out and she has no where else to go. I hate what Cody did, but I understand why he did what he did. It's all this pent up anger, no doubt, at having a Mom all his life either nodded out, dope sick, or in prison.
Still, I don't want him to kill my friend. Aimee gave me permission to call the cops next time, so fine I will, but hell I know she will get arrested again. If it would save her and get Cody some help, it's better than her dying. Still, this is a very difficult situation. I'm staying away for now. My hands are tied, because I want to help my friends but I don't know how, other than praying for them, which I've done. Aimee had said a few nights ago that kicking is a lot harder now, at our ages 44 and 43, than it was when we were Don's age, 25. This is why 1/4 meth every other month is the most I want to do, if at all.
I had a great time the other night, but everything has changed now from what it was. So I'm drug free the past few days, except for my nightly dose of 2 painkillers to taper gradually. My Rx is down to 6 pills and I'm gonna take 2 a night til they run out. I guess if the doc refuses to refill, at least the kick won't be nearly as bad off this as the tramadol.
I finally finished my 1/4 gram bag of speed last night. It blows me away how damn easy it is to just be able to go so long without eating. I guess last time I ate was Tuesday morning. I could of had lunch at work, but was a bit too melancholy and wasn't really hungry. I've stayed to my schedule of 2 painkillers a day and the mild depression is a party compared to the tramadol bullshit. I did my 1/4 gram at home and was able to keep writing. I liked it, but it doesn't feel (wiriting) like it did before 2 years ago when I was in the throes of my meth addiction.
The poetry didn't flow. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I don't know if I've just forever lost my poetic gift to permanent writer's block then, or what. No matter. I probably won't be finding out any time soon, because the meth vacations I do plan, I'm looking at a much smaller scale like 1/4 gram with 2 days off work instead of a teenager with a week off work. Then there is John Doe. Talking to him after all these years is still a trip. He happened to come on line last night, got me while under the influence, but I was VERY careful and made sure I listened more than I talked.
It's much better that way. I was kinda half expecting ok maybe when he see's the pic of me from a week ago compared to how I used to look, that perhaps he will no longer be turned on. I flat out told him in the email I sent the pic with that part of the capacity of my physical beauty is gone for the weight. What I didn't say, but said in silence it's ok if I never hear from him again. Sure the rejection would sting, but it would also give me the perfect way to cop out. LOL. What's sadder than the fact that I hate how I look with the weight gain after I got clean is how afraid I am to face a potential lover again. He emailed me back, that's when I lost my internet.
Shit. I have to at least know what he said. So, I started looking for my cell phone to read the message off there. That's when I discovered I don't have the damn thing. Sigh. Great. I called myself from my land line, heard no ringing. Last place I remember using it with was with Don in my car Tues night to pick up my issue. I wondered why I'd been getting so much peace and quiet. I hope it's in the car. I'll be out to investigate shortly. I did manage to fix the computer or it fixed itself, not sure, but his email said "Hi sexy. You look as good as ever..."
Then he put in a recent one, more recent than 2003, said his hair was thinning. Hell he looks the same almost as when I last saw him, except thank God he gained some weight. Off meth, I've tended to be curvy, but having a few more fat cells on my hips and everywhere else than I cared for. Therefore it always made me self conscience as hell to see a man who, although tall, like John Doe, had hips narrower than mine. It secretly made me feel like a hippo. Whatever man I was with, I preferred he be taller, heavier and have bigger hips than I do.
So in the height of my meth haze, I was taller than average 5'7", but still petite. Anyway, obviously my recent picture didn't scare him off. My main problem is that whatever anyone else thinks or doesn't think, carrying the extra weight scares me off. You know what? I don't like it, and besides watching what I eat, I just want this mental torture to stop. Whatever I have right now in the present is what I've got and God help me it would be such a miracle if I could just fucking DEAL with it and move on. John Doe is using his lawyers and accountants to fight the company layoff that he is part owner of.
I don't think he will be coming here anytime soon. That's fine with me. I do like talking to him, but doing so is forcing me to deal with issues I never really knew I had and some that I did. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn from seeing him online again. Being able to accept myself absolutely and without reservations 100% every day in the present would be an act of healing. The same self love and acceptance people seem to have on X and in my case shrooms should be a given to everyone. Sadly that's not the case. I spent 2 years in NA trying to figure all this out on my own. I didn't quite get there. I got some answers, while others eluded me, then the X, John Doe, little bits of meth, and shitloads of writing later I'm beginning to find out some of the nature of my obstacles.
I made sure to finish the meth by 7am this morning, planning a full day of rest so I'll be in good shape to go to work tonight, in 2 hrs. That was a good vacation, but now I think I'm ready to hang it up for awhile, at least the rest of this month. Now I've got to go about the business of finding my phone and finish getting ready for work.
The poetry didn't flow. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I don't know if I've just forever lost my poetic gift to permanent writer's block then, or what. No matter. I probably won't be finding out any time soon, because the meth vacations I do plan, I'm looking at a much smaller scale like 1/4 gram with 2 days off work instead of a teenager with a week off work. Then there is John Doe. Talking to him after all these years is still a trip. He happened to come on line last night, got me while under the influence, but I was VERY careful and made sure I listened more than I talked.
It's much better that way. I was kinda half expecting ok maybe when he see's the pic of me from a week ago compared to how I used to look, that perhaps he will no longer be turned on. I flat out told him in the email I sent the pic with that part of the capacity of my physical beauty is gone for the weight. What I didn't say, but said in silence it's ok if I never hear from him again. Sure the rejection would sting, but it would also give me the perfect way to cop out. LOL. What's sadder than the fact that I hate how I look with the weight gain after I got clean is how afraid I am to face a potential lover again. He emailed me back, that's when I lost my internet.
Shit. I have to at least know what he said. So, I started looking for my cell phone to read the message off there. That's when I discovered I don't have the damn thing. Sigh. Great. I called myself from my land line, heard no ringing. Last place I remember using it with was with Don in my car Tues night to pick up my issue. I wondered why I'd been getting so much peace and quiet. I hope it's in the car. I'll be out to investigate shortly. I did manage to fix the computer or it fixed itself, not sure, but his email said "Hi sexy. You look as good as ever..."
Then he put in a recent one, more recent than 2003, said his hair was thinning. Hell he looks the same almost as when I last saw him, except thank God he gained some weight. Off meth, I've tended to be curvy, but having a few more fat cells on my hips and everywhere else than I cared for. Therefore it always made me self conscience as hell to see a man who, although tall, like John Doe, had hips narrower than mine. It secretly made me feel like a hippo. Whatever man I was with, I preferred he be taller, heavier and have bigger hips than I do.
So in the height of my meth haze, I was taller than average 5'7", but still petite. Anyway, obviously my recent picture didn't scare him off. My main problem is that whatever anyone else thinks or doesn't think, carrying the extra weight scares me off. You know what? I don't like it, and besides watching what I eat, I just want this mental torture to stop. Whatever I have right now in the present is what I've got and God help me it would be such a miracle if I could just fucking DEAL with it and move on. John Doe is using his lawyers and accountants to fight the company layoff that he is part owner of.
I don't think he will be coming here anytime soon. That's fine with me. I do like talking to him, but doing so is forcing me to deal with issues I never really knew I had and some that I did. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn from seeing him online again. Being able to accept myself absolutely and without reservations 100% every day in the present would be an act of healing. The same self love and acceptance people seem to have on X and in my case shrooms should be a given to everyone. Sadly that's not the case. I spent 2 years in NA trying to figure all this out on my own. I didn't quite get there. I got some answers, while others eluded me, then the X, John Doe, little bits of meth, and shitloads of writing later I'm beginning to find out some of the nature of my obstacles.
I made sure to finish the meth by 7am this morning, planning a full day of rest so I'll be in good shape to go to work tonight, in 2 hrs. That was a good vacation, but now I think I'm ready to hang it up for awhile, at least the rest of this month. Now I've got to go about the business of finding my phone and finish getting ready for work.
John Doe wrote: > Hi sexy.....I hope you remember what I look like?...you are one of the sexiest woman I have ever made love to. Dont ever change or lose your passion and beauty which is inside you.....and your external beauty is lovely also. > Love n hugs
March, 2009, 8:41 AM
> Sweetheart, I've got 2 say that i love wot the years have done 4 u. I am turned on even more. If it ever works out that we can have a nite or 2 alone, then I'm urs 2 do anything we want 2 do. How may i pleasure u? Thinkn about sending waves of ecstasy, orgasms rockn ur body gets my pussy wet and my nipples hard. I'd love 2 love u again and again xoxo Your, Jane Doe (hehe)
John Doe wrote:
> So baby I would love to pleasure you as your master for more than just a night....I would love to enter the depths of your mind and release the woman inside you that I adore...to release your desires in passion and beauty and to express it through your body...through every nerve ending through every fibre of your body and then to enter your soul and for you to allow me to go there to make love in the sweetest and most secure way and to trust and give yourself to me totally and surrender to me so that I make love to you by fucking your brains out and for you to feel me as part of you when my cock is inside you and for you to hold my cum in you aftrer I have released it inside you in loving union..........
> You are beautiful and special baby..xxxxxx
So the short letters above give an idea of the kind of lover I haven't had in exactly 8 yrs. I'm keeping my mind set on cyber only, but we were together in real life for a week 8 years ago. Since my affair with John Doe, there hasn't been anyone since him that communicates to me that way, romantically, passionately, not just lustfully. Just the cyber and emails are sweet enough for me, although he has said repeatedly he is going to come out here as soon as he can. I loved the way he treated me before as a lover and sex partner and I am finding out that sensuality, romance, and lust are not gone from me. I've only been with 2 other men that were as attentive as this one is, long before John Doe.
I told him I no longer have my full capacity of physical beauty that I once had, though I didn't go into why. So I liked his older pics, dunno if he'll like mine, but this is the body I have right here, right now. So if he doesn't like it, I will understand. It just feels kind of like a high, opening up another sensation I've not had in so long: sexual pleasure with someone that takes his time. We keep having frequent conversations though and he's told me a few things he must do with me, I've never done. No one has ever asked me to keep my eyes open the entire time we're making love, but most especially right at the time of orgasm. I guess I did it once with him 8 yrs ago. It was different, but how does one go about doing that? I've practiced closing my eyes so long, even during masturbation, its a reflex for me to close them.
He said 8 yrs ago and is saying again now how he wants to see the surrender in my eyes right before releasing myself to him, and he to me. I always thought it sounded soo sweet, but I told him no one had ever asked me that. I'll have to learn to do it his way somehow. lol. I was very touched before at how attentive he was and I still am. Just hearing him tell me somehow makes me experience it all over again and again in my mind. At this point, that's all it is, a matter of him turning me on so much mentally. I wish everyone else knew that or was at least willing to be taught. I've almost always been the kind of person that is attracted first to someone's mind over how he looks physically.
He can be butt ugly, but over time if he's got something special between his ears then thats all she wrote as far as I'm concerned. I do appreciate physical beauty as well, but for me the mental has to come first. He had made some mention also of how he'd love 4 me 2 swallow his issue, but he said, "But I noticed before, u didn't like to do that." Funny how after all this time, he's the only person I finally ever openly and honestly discussed with. "To be completely honest, the reason I didn't do it b4, is because 2 this day that something I still haven't tried." The thought of that used to gross me out, that's why I never did it, even with the man I was engaged to marry.
"Hell John, I guess ud think by now I'd know, but thats another first. I don't know how, just one gf told me she took her bf's cock all the way 2 the back of her throat in order 2 do that. I feel like a 15 y/o. You're going 2 have to show me how." "Nnooooo. No deep throating baby, ul gag. I just want to put the tip of my cock, rest it halfway in ur mouth, u just swallow in one gulp that way." "Ok baby as long as u dont mind that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, then ok. That would be very embarrassing to be caught gagging in front of u, and that sure doesn't sound very pleasant 4 u." "There is nothing embarrassing about making love. Nothing you should be ashamed of."
"Well u sure managed to pick a lot of firsts for me John." "Have you made love in any woods since we did?," he asked. "No, no woods. Another first and probably last on that one too," I said. Whatever little sex I did have since him has been relatively boring and mundane, if you can even call it sex when the other partner can't keep a woody. I am so turned on and so loving the way John is treating me and talking to me. I love how sweet he was before, very giving lover. This is the only reason why I will even try 2 do something I've always been queasy about. The open eyes too is WHOA!
I've always been shy that way about covering my face at the end of sex, either by my preference in position, from behind, or its 2 dark 2 really see, or if not close my eyes and sometimes cover my face. That right there just told me I'm feeling as if my vulnerability is being exposed and still uncomfortable with the idea to be completely honest. Wow. I don't want 2 see such intense emotions bare naked on my face, because now that I think about it, I've always felt that way. Sadly a word just softly popped into my mind, "protection." Those were barriers I had between myself and to prevent others from hurting me. Condoms were another physical barrier I always used....the exception being John and my ex fiance.
I got tested 4 everything, he did too, but he had been the first 8 yrs ago in a long time to have me bareback, all natural. I was the first person who tried back door as well. I had been very nervous. It was on my last day in Dublin and I dressed up in a French Maid outfit and pretended to be crashed out on top of the bed before it was time to drive me back to Dublin airport. I would not have wanted 2 do any of this if anyone else were asking me for it, all the "its" he's asked me for. Also, on an emotional level this swallowing business feels very intimate emotionally, in fact not doing it is a way to help make sure I keep a lid on my feelings. He's an affair, not a life partner. I've unconsciously all along had these barriers in place to keep me from getting my heart tore up any worse than it might.
I am going to have to have a very honest chat with him about this, because he is being so intimate, but what's gonna happen if I let all these barriers down and I don't want him to leave? I think it's a good thing though that I was completely honest with him. I would have avoided discussing issues that I wasn't quite comfortable with or sure of. It really DID feel good 2 just do it for once instead of go all shy and retreat. I'm tripping on all this shit I just now consciously learned and became aware of about myself.
[/B][/COLOR]
March, 2009, 8:41 AM
> Sweetheart, I've got 2 say that i love wot the years have done 4 u. I am turned on even more. If it ever works out that we can have a nite or 2 alone, then I'm urs 2 do anything we want 2 do. How may i pleasure u? Thinkn about sending waves of ecstasy, orgasms rockn ur body gets my pussy wet and my nipples hard. I'd love 2 love u again and again xoxo Your, Jane Doe (hehe)
John Doe wrote:
> So baby I would love to pleasure you as your master for more than just a night....I would love to enter the depths of your mind and release the woman inside you that I adore...to release your desires in passion and beauty and to express it through your body...through every nerve ending through every fibre of your body and then to enter your soul and for you to allow me to go there to make love in the sweetest and most secure way and to trust and give yourself to me totally and surrender to me so that I make love to you by fucking your brains out and for you to feel me as part of you when my cock is inside you and for you to hold my cum in you aftrer I have released it inside you in loving union..........
> You are beautiful and special baby..xxxxxx
So the short letters above give an idea of the kind of lover I haven't had in exactly 8 yrs. I'm keeping my mind set on cyber only, but we were together in real life for a week 8 years ago. Since my affair with John Doe, there hasn't been anyone since him that communicates to me that way, romantically, passionately, not just lustfully. Just the cyber and emails are sweet enough for me, although he has said repeatedly he is going to come out here as soon as he can. I loved the way he treated me before as a lover and sex partner and I am finding out that sensuality, romance, and lust are not gone from me. I've only been with 2 other men that were as attentive as this one is, long before John Doe.
I told him I no longer have my full capacity of physical beauty that I once had, though I didn't go into why. So I liked his older pics, dunno if he'll like mine, but this is the body I have right here, right now. So if he doesn't like it, I will understand. It just feels kind of like a high, opening up another sensation I've not had in so long: sexual pleasure with someone that takes his time. We keep having frequent conversations though and he's told me a few things he must do with me, I've never done. No one has ever asked me to keep my eyes open the entire time we're making love, but most especially right at the time of orgasm. I guess I did it once with him 8 yrs ago. It was different, but how does one go about doing that? I've practiced closing my eyes so long, even during masturbation, its a reflex for me to close them.
He said 8 yrs ago and is saying again now how he wants to see the surrender in my eyes right before releasing myself to him, and he to me. I always thought it sounded soo sweet, but I told him no one had ever asked me that. I'll have to learn to do it his way somehow. lol. I was very touched before at how attentive he was and I still am. Just hearing him tell me somehow makes me experience it all over again and again in my mind. At this point, that's all it is, a matter of him turning me on so much mentally. I wish everyone else knew that or was at least willing to be taught. I've almost always been the kind of person that is attracted first to someone's mind over how he looks physically.
He can be butt ugly, but over time if he's got something special between his ears then thats all she wrote as far as I'm concerned. I do appreciate physical beauty as well, but for me the mental has to come first. He had made some mention also of how he'd love 4 me 2 swallow his issue, but he said, "But I noticed before, u didn't like to do that." Funny how after all this time, he's the only person I finally ever openly and honestly discussed with. "To be completely honest, the reason I didn't do it b4, is because 2 this day that something I still haven't tried." The thought of that used to gross me out, that's why I never did it, even with the man I was engaged to marry.
"Hell John, I guess ud think by now I'd know, but thats another first. I don't know how, just one gf told me she took her bf's cock all the way 2 the back of her throat in order 2 do that. I feel like a 15 y/o. You're going 2 have to show me how." "Nnooooo. No deep throating baby, ul gag. I just want to put the tip of my cock, rest it halfway in ur mouth, u just swallow in one gulp that way." "Ok baby as long as u dont mind that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, then ok. That would be very embarrassing to be caught gagging in front of u, and that sure doesn't sound very pleasant 4 u." "There is nothing embarrassing about making love. Nothing you should be ashamed of."
"Well u sure managed to pick a lot of firsts for me John." "Have you made love in any woods since we did?," he asked. "No, no woods. Another first and probably last on that one too," I said. Whatever little sex I did have since him has been relatively boring and mundane, if you can even call it sex when the other partner can't keep a woody. I am so turned on and so loving the way John is treating me and talking to me. I love how sweet he was before, very giving lover. This is the only reason why I will even try 2 do something I've always been queasy about. The open eyes too is WHOA!
I've always been shy that way about covering my face at the end of sex, either by my preference in position, from behind, or its 2 dark 2 really see, or if not close my eyes and sometimes cover my face. That right there just told me I'm feeling as if my vulnerability is being exposed and still uncomfortable with the idea to be completely honest. Wow. I don't want 2 see such intense emotions bare naked on my face, because now that I think about it, I've always felt that way. Sadly a word just softly popped into my mind, "protection." Those were barriers I had between myself and to prevent others from hurting me. Condoms were another physical barrier I always used....the exception being John and my ex fiance.
I got tested 4 everything, he did too, but he had been the first 8 yrs ago in a long time to have me bareback, all natural. I was the first person who tried back door as well. I had been very nervous. It was on my last day in Dublin and I dressed up in a French Maid outfit and pretended to be crashed out on top of the bed before it was time to drive me back to Dublin airport. I would not have wanted 2 do any of this if anyone else were asking me for it, all the "its" he's asked me for. Also, on an emotional level this swallowing business feels very intimate emotionally, in fact not doing it is a way to help make sure I keep a lid on my feelings. He's an affair, not a life partner. I've unconsciously all along had these barriers in place to keep me from getting my heart tore up any worse than it might.
I am going to have to have a very honest chat with him about this, because he is being so intimate, but what's gonna happen if I let all these barriers down and I don't want him to leave? I think it's a good thing though that I was completely honest with him. I would have avoided discussing issues that I wasn't quite comfortable with or sure of. It really DID feel good 2 just do it for once instead of go all shy and retreat. I'm tripping on all this shit I just now consciously learned and became aware of about myself.
[/B][/COLOR]
Had a good night. Spent time with girlfriend. Breathes life into me. Never laughed and smiled so much in an evening before. Felt like a child. Felt complete. Felt right. Felt perfect. Looked at self in mirror and was happy at what stared back for once. Dropped her off before. On way home, listened to some trance and smoked a cigarette. Felt a feeling that I have not felt in long time. Feeling is called joy.
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....
................
Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.
"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."
Have finally achieved happiness it seems.... Have always said once I achieved happiness.....
................
Will see how I feel in the morning before making final decision.
"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise ... and step into the shadow now without complaint."
Laying in bed last night with my girl's warm naked body pressed against mine, her dog snuggled tightly between my legs and my boy snoring loudly on his doggie pillow was nice.
Its morning now, 'M' left to run errands and scramble to make a doctors appointment so that her son can be 'authorized' to play one of his sports (not sure which).
I'm sitting on the sofa, watching TV and her cocker spaniel is laying next to me sleeping peacefully. I don't think he can get any closer. He's quite fond of me and it feels good that something so innocent trusts me.
My big Akita is laying on the floor, relaxing. He's quite expert at relaxing.
On our walk this morning, it was comical to see my 110 pound dog walking next to this tiny cocker. They are good friends. Her cocker tolerates my old pups incessant eagerness to play and my boy tolerates his tendency to snuggle close to his guardian.
Yes, this is the life.
Its morning now, 'M' left to run errands and scramble to make a doctors appointment so that her son can be 'authorized' to play one of his sports (not sure which).
I'm sitting on the sofa, watching TV and her cocker spaniel is laying next to me sleeping peacefully. I don't think he can get any closer. He's quite fond of me and it feels good that something so innocent trusts me.
My big Akita is laying on the floor, relaxing. He's quite expert at relaxing.
On our walk this morning, it was comical to see my 110 pound dog walking next to this tiny cocker. They are good friends. Her cocker tolerates my old pups incessant eagerness to play and my boy tolerates his tendency to snuggle close to his guardian.
Yes, this is the life.
Wow! I've been taking 20mg paxil/paroxetine for a lot of years. I just went back on it a few months ago. Well, I wasn't able to fill my script yesterday and I could feel the effects of wd rather strongly. Usually I can do two days without before I get the tingling sensations in my arms and hands. I guess my body is changing but FUCK this sucks.
I hate meds that don't get me high!
I hate meds that don't get me high!
I'm sorry that I haven't been responding to the posts in The Dark Side. Often I don't have the attention span, or energy or its very early in the morning. But you get what you put in. Also to those who actually read my blogs, I'm sorry that I haven't kept up on yours. I will try to catch up. But sometimes I just feel like what I have to say really isn't worthwhile anyway... "Yeah I understand, I'm sorry, feel better," broken record. I don't feel like I'm very productive.
There is a curious pleasure in stabbing one's self with a syringe full of medical-grade Ketamine. Slow and steady, relax, breath, keep pressing down, slow, slow, steady... a good I.M. should not hurt at all...
The needle is then pulled out, and disposed off hygienically. Mere moments pass before one begins to feel it... ahh, that wonderful "loosening" of one's "screws", so to say. And that aetheric smell - one of the most recognizable ever. It permeates ones olfactory senses so long as the Ketamine maintains its effect.
Rapidly, the world outside begins to shrivel away. The traffic, the incessant car horns, the desperate rickshaw bells, the market screams, the scammers, the brahmins, the babas, the sadhus, the lepers, the beggars, the policemen, the children playing in the abandoned mansion beside the guesthouse, the foreigners chatting loudly in the restaurant upstairs, the puja cymbals, the workers howling at each other, the cellphone rings, the barking dogs...... Varanasi crumples away from consciousness and soon is no more.
The rest of the universe doesn't lag far behind Varanasi, either. Soon one is enveloped by only the self, having effectively severed ties with everything outside and behind the skin.
Then, visions of grandeur begin. They are not megalomaniacal, perhaps a good sign of one's mental condition (as I hear some people get seriously egoistic after chronic K use), but they are nonetheless self-aggrandizing or, at the very least, positive.
There is a focus on achievement, opportunity, intellect, realistic solutions to problems, noble ambitions, and so on.
As the blood gets more saturated with Ketamine, one seems to rise beyond the sphere of reality, in which said positive ideas simply have no place, and so they give way to something entirely different. And the best part is that you can never, ever predict what that something will be! It is always a surprise. Having left fear at the door (for fear is also of the lowly world of words), one is ready for such surprises without hesitation...
I am on the train from Kolkata to Varanasi.
"Chai Chai" the ever-ubiquitous milk-tea peddlers repeat, the mantra of the poor, the moan of the downtrodden. This is the India I have experienced, in four syllables.
"Chai Chai."
You see, in India, every time a train stops at a station, a slew of peddlers, beggars, hijra (cross-dressers), shoe-shiners, charity workers, snack-sellers, thieves... basically anyone, really, gets on the train to offer their goods, rendering the "sleeper" car sleepless as the train stops very frequently.
"Chai Chai."
Are we there yet?
"Chai Chai."
Deja vu. Perhaps the most common of all Ketamine side-effects.
I've been on this train before. I've taken this trip just a few days ago. So why am I doing it again?
"Chai Chai."
It never ends.
I've been on this train for years.
I have chosen to stop taking Tramadol and...
"Chai Chai."
Ugh, where was I? It doesn't matter. I'm on this train for the sixy seventh time now.
"Chai Chai."
How many stops till Varanasi? Or was it Kolkata that I'm going to?
I have to meet Rob back in Kolkata.
This is the same train I took to Varanasi. No, wait it isn't, let me see how cooperative my eyes are for a minute...
"Chai Chai."
No, the one I took from Kolkata to Varanasi was the "Amritsar Express". This one going the other way is the "Amritsar Mail", as my ticket suggests. Ah Amritsar, the city of the Sikhs... the least I could do is send it some, um, mail...
Dear Amritsar,
It saddens me to inform you that I won't be seeing you on this trip as was planned. Please send the Himalayas my regards, as I won't be seeing them after you, either.
You see, an Angel came into my life. His name is Rob. He convinced me to stop Tramadol cold-turkey. And I did. This is day 4!
Rob had to go back to Kolkata, and I, having decided against Nepal due to reports of border closures and due to my physical unrest, have decided to follow him there. I was not able to book in the same train as he did, but I took the next one, and by tomorrow morning, we'll both be back in Kolkata.
Yours Sincerely,
Yazan.
"Chai Chai."
"Once, Paravati tried to woo Shiva into loving her. But Shiva was actually trying to woo Paravati into doing the same. Neither knew what the other was up to, and both got angry at their failures.
Paravati cursed Shiva. He shall be reborn as a clueless man, wandering around the world aimlessly.
Shiva cursed Paravati. She shall be reborn as a clueless bee, wandering around the world aimlessly.
As they were entering the cycle of rebirth together, they realized their mistakes. But time was running out fast. What shall we do? Shiva said: 'If we touch each other, we shall remember our divine nature...'
And so they were reborn. The clueless youth went wandering around the world aimlessly. One day he found a beautiful flower. As he was about to pick it, he was stung by a bee that was sitting on it. And he remembered, and the bee remembered, and so they returned to their divine nature, and loved each other eternally."
This was one of the tens of stories an Indian student on the train (from Kolkata to Varanasi) shared with me...
I hope I'll remember who I am by the time I get to Kolkata. I hope I don't get mugged. I hope I don't forget anything. I'm very afraid. Very afraid. The pain of loneliness is too heavy to bear...
Oh, looks like I've sobered up a bit?
It seems I'm in a guest-house room. But which one? I don't remember and I don't care. I feel pain. I need Rob. He said he'll be back in a couple of hours. It's only 2:15. I have time. Let's do another shot!
I smell the aether.
I am this.
I am that.
No, I am not. Let's do another shot...
...
Ah, this one is interesting. It is that Ketamine experience.
The universe shrunk considerably, but not completely. It stopped at a certain point. The entirety of human life is reduced to three ridiculous scenarios (missing a LOT of vital information, but still working anyway) which kept cycling over and over again, without reprieve. For example, there seems to be no real difference between up and down, left or right.
And for that hour, this was life, and it has always been that way, and will always be. I may have dreamt of a world with directions, but that was only a dream.
But K-shrunk life goes on.
And on.
And on. Even in miniature, life remains samsaric.
Then it is gone.
The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
Out of Shiva's third-eye does the world spring to life, and from Shiva's third-eye does it perish in fire.
"Chai Chai."
Back on the train.
When will this be over?
Wait, it actually is over.
I am in my room. And this is the room in Kolkata!
Rob was kind enough to reserve me a room as soon as he arrived.
....
A quick trip to a large pharmacy was fruitful - their last two vials of Ketamine were available for purchase, because as we all know, every foreigner has a horse to tranquilize.
But the two vials eventually end.
I spend days 6 and 7, the worst days, roaming Kolkata in search of more Ketamine to forget my body for a while and run away from the pain. I eventually find one who is willing to obtain it for me for an inflated price (that said, it is still only 20% of it's price back home!).
When I was not doing the K pilgrimage, I spent my time with Rob and another Angel: Maya, who is a friend of Rob's. She makes me laugh, she makes Rob laugh, she makes the locals laugh. And she has a horrifyingly sad story to go with it...
At the end of day 6, I finally get my K. I go back to my room, lock the door, and do shot after shot in a sort of divine frenzy.
I want to obliterate myself to get closer to my beloved.
Maybe this byzantine self-stabbing isn't the best way to go at it.
But at the time it was all I had. I cannot remember how many times I poked myself for the past five days, but the fact that I lost count is alone very telling.
One more stab. One more.
I am not. The beloved and I are one. For a few precious moments...
Edited to match the updated version.
The needle is then pulled out, and disposed off hygienically. Mere moments pass before one begins to feel it... ahh, that wonderful "loosening" of one's "screws", so to say. And that aetheric smell - one of the most recognizable ever. It permeates ones olfactory senses so long as the Ketamine maintains its effect.
Rapidly, the world outside begins to shrivel away. The traffic, the incessant car horns, the desperate rickshaw bells, the market screams, the scammers, the brahmins, the babas, the sadhus, the lepers, the beggars, the policemen, the children playing in the abandoned mansion beside the guesthouse, the foreigners chatting loudly in the restaurant upstairs, the puja cymbals, the workers howling at each other, the cellphone rings, the barking dogs...... Varanasi crumples away from consciousness and soon is no more.
The rest of the universe doesn't lag far behind Varanasi, either. Soon one is enveloped by only the self, having effectively severed ties with everything outside and behind the skin.
Then, visions of grandeur begin. They are not megalomaniacal, perhaps a good sign of one's mental condition (as I hear some people get seriously egoistic after chronic K use), but they are nonetheless self-aggrandizing or, at the very least, positive.
There is a focus on achievement, opportunity, intellect, realistic solutions to problems, noble ambitions, and so on.
As the blood gets more saturated with Ketamine, one seems to rise beyond the sphere of reality, in which said positive ideas simply have no place, and so they give way to something entirely different. And the best part is that you can never, ever predict what that something will be! It is always a surprise. Having left fear at the door (for fear is also of the lowly world of words), one is ready for such surprises without hesitation...
I am on the train from Kolkata to Varanasi.
"Chai Chai" the ever-ubiquitous milk-tea peddlers repeat, the mantra of the poor, the moan of the downtrodden. This is the India I have experienced, in four syllables.
"Chai Chai."
You see, in India, every time a train stops at a station, a slew of peddlers, beggars, hijra (cross-dressers), shoe-shiners, charity workers, snack-sellers, thieves... basically anyone, really, gets on the train to offer their goods, rendering the "sleeper" car sleepless as the train stops very frequently.
"Chai Chai."
Are we there yet?
"Chai Chai."
Deja vu. Perhaps the most common of all Ketamine side-effects.
I've been on this train before. I've taken this trip just a few days ago. So why am I doing it again?
"Chai Chai."
It never ends.
I've been on this train for years.
I have chosen to stop taking Tramadol and...
"Chai Chai."
Ugh, where was I? It doesn't matter. I'm on this train for the sixy seventh time now.
"Chai Chai."
How many stops till Varanasi? Or was it Kolkata that I'm going to?
I have to meet Rob back in Kolkata.
This is the same train I took to Varanasi. No, wait it isn't, let me see how cooperative my eyes are for a minute...
"Chai Chai."
No, the one I took from Kolkata to Varanasi was the "Amritsar Express". This one going the other way is the "Amritsar Mail", as my ticket suggests. Ah Amritsar, the city of the Sikhs... the least I could do is send it some, um, mail...
Dear Amritsar,
It saddens me to inform you that I won't be seeing you on this trip as was planned. Please send the Himalayas my regards, as I won't be seeing them after you, either.
You see, an Angel came into my life. His name is Rob. He convinced me to stop Tramadol cold-turkey. And I did. This is day 4!
Rob had to go back to Kolkata, and I, having decided against Nepal due to reports of border closures and due to my physical unrest, have decided to follow him there. I was not able to book in the same train as he did, but I took the next one, and by tomorrow morning, we'll both be back in Kolkata.
Yours Sincerely,
Yazan.
"Chai Chai."
"Once, Paravati tried to woo Shiva into loving her. But Shiva was actually trying to woo Paravati into doing the same. Neither knew what the other was up to, and both got angry at their failures.
Paravati cursed Shiva. He shall be reborn as a clueless man, wandering around the world aimlessly.
Shiva cursed Paravati. She shall be reborn as a clueless bee, wandering around the world aimlessly.
As they were entering the cycle of rebirth together, they realized their mistakes. But time was running out fast. What shall we do? Shiva said: 'If we touch each other, we shall remember our divine nature...'
And so they were reborn. The clueless youth went wandering around the world aimlessly. One day he found a beautiful flower. As he was about to pick it, he was stung by a bee that was sitting on it. And he remembered, and the bee remembered, and so they returned to their divine nature, and loved each other eternally."
This was one of the tens of stories an Indian student on the train (from Kolkata to Varanasi) shared with me...
I hope I'll remember who I am by the time I get to Kolkata. I hope I don't get mugged. I hope I don't forget anything. I'm very afraid. Very afraid. The pain of loneliness is too heavy to bear...
Oh, looks like I've sobered up a bit?
It seems I'm in a guest-house room. But which one? I don't remember and I don't care. I feel pain. I need Rob. He said he'll be back in a couple of hours. It's only 2:15. I have time. Let's do another shot!
I smell the aether.
I am this.
I am that.
No, I am not. Let's do another shot...
...
Ah, this one is interesting. It is that Ketamine experience.
The universe shrunk considerably, but not completely. It stopped at a certain point. The entirety of human life is reduced to three ridiculous scenarios (missing a LOT of vital information, but still working anyway) which kept cycling over and over again, without reprieve. For example, there seems to be no real difference between up and down, left or right.
And for that hour, this was life, and it has always been that way, and will always be. I may have dreamt of a world with directions, but that was only a dream.
But K-shrunk life goes on.
And on.
And on. Even in miniature, life remains samsaric.
Then it is gone.
The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
Out of Shiva's third-eye does the world spring to life, and from Shiva's third-eye does it perish in fire.
"Chai Chai."
Back on the train.
When will this be over?
Wait, it actually is over.
I am in my room. And this is the room in Kolkata!
Rob was kind enough to reserve me a room as soon as he arrived.
....
A quick trip to a large pharmacy was fruitful - their last two vials of Ketamine were available for purchase, because as we all know, every foreigner has a horse to tranquilize.
But the two vials eventually end.
I spend days 6 and 7, the worst days, roaming Kolkata in search of more Ketamine to forget my body for a while and run away from the pain. I eventually find one who is willing to obtain it for me for an inflated price (that said, it is still only 20% of it's price back home!).
When I was not doing the K pilgrimage, I spent my time with Rob and another Angel: Maya, who is a friend of Rob's. She makes me laugh, she makes Rob laugh, she makes the locals laugh. And she has a horrifyingly sad story to go with it...
At the end of day 6, I finally get my K. I go back to my room, lock the door, and do shot after shot in a sort of divine frenzy.
I want to obliterate myself to get closer to my beloved.
Maybe this byzantine self-stabbing isn't the best way to go at it.
But at the time it was all I had. I cannot remember how many times I poked myself for the past five days, but the fact that I lost count is alone very telling.
One more stab. One more.
I am not. The beloved and I are one. For a few precious moments...
Edited to match the updated version.
Sean and I after he got his hair cut. His new look makes him look even younger. Certainly not 27 right? I him.
Always randomly acting like a dork...
Then laughing about it, he makes me laugh.
Aww the good one is blurry. We will have to take more pictures. He doesn't act like he minds too much. I love pics of us together for some reason. He makes me so damn happy. Look at that damn face, how can you resist. He looks happy...yeah?
He "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and was moody. Made it difficult to have a good time. We got through it, it wasn't my fault. But when we finally went to eat we both needed a drink. "Smile honey, don't be moody."
Always randomly acting like a dork...
Then laughing about it, he makes me laugh.
Aww the good one is blurry. We will have to take more pictures. He doesn't act like he minds too much. I love pics of us together for some reason. He makes me so damn happy. Look at that damn face, how can you resist. He looks happy...yeah?
He "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" and was moody. Made it difficult to have a good time. We got through it, it wasn't my fault. But when we finally went to eat we both needed a drink. "Smile honey, don't be moody."
He is a little concerned about the house. Its rather old and his oldest brother had lived there before and said he had paranormal stuff happen and Sean said he had heard stuff. I'm very interested in the paranormal but I don't want to be encountering it in a place where I "live", I want to be able to leave when I get scared or feel in danger ya know.
So he wants me to get some bound sage and do some Native American smugging to bless and cleanse the house. I'm thinking about also putting salt in the corners of his room as well as saying some christian prayers and scriptures and having him assert himself and myself over any spirits that might be present. I know I sound a little crazy but better safe than sorry. Plus there has been a lot of remodeling. They gutted the house and that can upset ppl that haven't passed o because they don't like you changing their home. If anyone has any suggestions on how to do this or whatever I would be very open to it.
Liek I said Sean got a new look and shaved a bit. He doesn't even look anywhere close to 27. I'll have to post pictures.
I guess perhaps part of the reason I've been so happy is because I've been on Tramadol all day. I love that stuff , although I'm not getting the nodding high I want. I had to switch to the Fioricet this evening because I already had 600mg. I do that a lot though and never had a problem. I don't think I really ever had a problem with it, I just really like it. I'm pretty sensitive to chemical releases in my brain so its f'ing wonderful. Sean isn't too keen on it but he says as long as it doesn't get out of control...whatever that is really. Plus for some reason he has a hard time telling when I'm high, most other people can spot it a mile away people I won't shut up, stim come up, my pupils get really little, my eyes bug out a bit and when the opiate effect kicks in the way I like it my eyes try to look at the back of my skull and I nod out.
That reminds me. I got pulled over the other day because I was weaving on the road again. I hadn't slept in 48 hours because I had forgotten about homework. I just told the officer that I had to turn into my midterm paper that I had stayed up working on. He understood and just said turn it in and then get some sleep. I did but then I slept through my next class.
Sucks, becuase I WAS there. Sean says I never get enough sleep which is true. I woke up to some guy in my face, apparently they were concerned because I was very difficult to wake up and they though something was wrong with me... scary huh?
I'll be talking to the Dr. about bumping up my Ambien to 20mg. I have done it already but its just better to get a supply to last ya know. I just know that's how much I need to sleep through the night and not wake up.
right now I'm trying to get healthier and giving work and school more priority. Sean can be a bit lazy, especially now that he is on voluntary unemployment and not working (I really hope he keeps his word and puts his time to good use. He should get his driver's licence back in June if he completes everything) which means I don't go to work or school which isn't cool. I really need to be responsible to do that. And he tries to be logical and get me to do that even when I'm being illogical.
I know I'm being a little BPD because right now he is on a pedestal and can do no wrong and once he does I'm going to get pissed and knock him off it, but at least I know that is the cycle of things, so at least I'm aware.
Sean knows tanning makes me feel better about my body so he encourages it. MY my stomach tans pretty well but my legs don't so much. Pictures? My mom said its been years since I've been this tan. eat your heart out guys Lol j.k but its nice to have some self confidence. He helps. Although it kinda sucks that my make-up looks too light and I don't wanna spend the money to get new...
I think we are both just doing better in our relationship and working on it. I feel like he is opening up to me more emotionally and is more comfortable with knowing how I feel. I'm also learning to pick my battles that little things aren't worth the fight, I'm very emotional and it often can be draining and end in tears. But I think its really helping. Plus I'm appreciating him more of course, eye opening. And actually with me being so lovey, its not seeming to bother him. I'm sure if I was like that ALL the time it would get a little much but he likes to see me happy. But I feel that we are more connected communicating and understanding better, opening up about things...I can't believe its only been 3 months. When I think that it can't get better, he can't say something sweeter, show he loves me more or I could fall for him more it happens. Also, I've come to REALLY trust him. Trust that he isn't going to leave me, he isn't going to give up on me. He will be with me through thick and thin and I have NEVER had that before. Its is a HIGE step for me.
Thats about it I think, Freaking raving about Sean. 
So he wants me to get some bound sage and do some Native American smugging to bless and cleanse the house. I'm thinking about also putting salt in the corners of his room as well as saying some christian prayers and scriptures and having him assert himself and myself over any spirits that might be present. I know I sound a little crazy but better safe than sorry. Plus there has been a lot of remodeling. They gutted the house and that can upset ppl that haven't passed o because they don't like you changing their home. If anyone has any suggestions on how to do this or whatever I would be very open to it.
Liek I said Sean got a new look and shaved a bit. He doesn't even look anywhere close to 27. I'll have to post pictures.
I guess perhaps part of the reason I've been so happy is because I've been on Tramadol all day. I love that stuff , although I'm not getting the nodding high I want. I had to switch to the Fioricet this evening because I already had 600mg. I do that a lot though and never had a problem. I don't think I really ever had a problem with it, I just really like it. I'm pretty sensitive to chemical releases in my brain so its f'ing wonderful. Sean isn't too keen on it but he says as long as it doesn't get out of control...whatever that is really. Plus for some reason he has a hard time telling when I'm high, most other people can spot it a mile away people I won't shut up, stim come up, my pupils get really little, my eyes bug out a bit and when the opiate effect kicks in the way I like it my eyes try to look at the back of my skull and I nod out.
That reminds me. I got pulled over the other day because I was weaving on the road again. I hadn't slept in 48 hours because I had forgotten about homework. I just told the officer that I had to turn into my midterm paper that I had stayed up working on. He understood and just said turn it in and then get some sleep. I did but then I slept through my next class.
Sucks, becuase I WAS there. Sean says I never get enough sleep which is true. I woke up to some guy in my face, apparently they were concerned because I was very difficult to wake up and they though something was wrong with me... scary huh?I'll be talking to the Dr. about bumping up my Ambien to 20mg. I have done it already but its just better to get a supply to last ya know. I just know that's how much I need to sleep through the night and not wake up.
right now I'm trying to get healthier and giving work and school more priority. Sean can be a bit lazy, especially now that he is on voluntary unemployment and not working (I really hope he keeps his word and puts his time to good use. He should get his driver's licence back in June if he completes everything) which means I don't go to work or school which isn't cool. I really need to be responsible to do that. And he tries to be logical and get me to do that even when I'm being illogical.
I know I'm being a little BPD because right now he is on a pedestal and can do no wrong and once he does I'm going to get pissed and knock him off it, but at least I know that is the cycle of things, so at least I'm aware.
Sean knows tanning makes me feel better about my body so he encourages it. MY my stomach tans pretty well but my legs don't so much. Pictures? My mom said its been years since I've been this tan. eat your heart out guys Lol j.k but its nice to have some self confidence. He helps. Although it kinda sucks that my make-up looks too light and I don't wanna spend the money to get new...
I think we are both just doing better in our relationship and working on it. I feel like he is opening up to me more emotionally and is more comfortable with knowing how I feel. I'm also learning to pick my battles that little things aren't worth the fight, I'm very emotional and it often can be draining and end in tears. But I think its really helping. Plus I'm appreciating him more of course, eye opening. And actually with me being so lovey, its not seeming to bother him. I'm sure if I was like that ALL the time it would get a little much but he likes to see me happy. But I feel that we are more connected communicating and understanding better, opening up about things...I can't believe its only been 3 months. When I think that it can't get better, he can't say something sweeter, show he loves me more or I could fall for him more it happens. Also, I've come to REALLY trust him. Trust that he isn't going to leave me, he isn't going to give up on me. He will be with me through thick and thin and I have NEVER had that before. Its is a HIGE step for me.
Thats about it I think, Freaking raving about Sean.
I had just a great weekend. Sean doesn't quite understand I'm I'm suddenly so in love with him. We came through the thing with the ex so well. MY ex even said tht he said with me, he didn't love m,he just didn't want me to off myself. That was just meant to hurt me. Sean pointed out that all he wants to do and ever has done is hurt me. Perhaps he decided to leave when he started talking to this new girl. Sean knew that I would chose him over talking to my ex. He acted like he forbid it, which bothered me. I prefer that he talked more like he gave me a choice.
But we communicated and he really opened my eyes. When I talked to my ex he threatened to block me and never talk to me again, even as a friend. I was filled with that fear again. Sean would NEVER do that. Often he will hug me and tell me he is not going anywhere. I actually have come to trust him. I can't even tell you how much that means to me as a person that suffers from BPD. I'm afraid of being abandoned and left. I know he won't give up on me and that is a HUGE step for me. He said that since we are coming up on 3 months for us, and hes coming up on his longest relationship...I can't believe that since he is 27 and all but he says that the women always left him.
Really I can't believe that. He has shown me how wonderful he truly is. I guess I wasn't able to appreciate it until I ran into the asshole of my ex. I realize how good he makes me feel. He is there for me, supports me and makes me feel good about myself. We balance each other. He has come in closer to me and even though he knows I love him and he isn't able to say it....he is very cautious and reserved and feels that it is overused. But when I wake up in the morning next to him and I look into his eyes and he smiles I can see the love in his eyes.
Honestly the scary fight made me appreciate the blessing that I have in him. He says that he is just happy that he makes me happy because it makes him happy that I am happy. Follow that one? lol. He spent the weekend being so sweet and loving and telling me I'm beautiful. He is excited I'm on a new medication that will help me want to eat. I need to get healthy, that is what we are going to call it to avoid negative self talk. He actually covered up up the mirror in my room so that I would quit looking at myself and saying negative things. He said that I need to get healthy and he is excited about how good I will look, but he says I'm already beautiful but I will become even more so. He is right, I need to get healthy.
We had a great weekend even though we woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was a growl bear and was kinda nasty, but I forgave him, even before he said he was sorry. But he told me it wasn't my fault, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and the stores (we went to get his hair cut and go shopping) didn't carry anything worth shit apparently.
I can't believe I didn't see how blessed I am to have him. We are so good together and we can get through anything. I have finally let go of my ex, through his help. He didn't want to talk about it, he hates him. But he let me talk about how he hurt me AGAIN and how things will work out and I deserve better and I do. I am actually in a healthy relationship and its strange. I'm with someone that cares so much about me. He seeks my best interest no matter what, no his own...like my ex. He doesn't ever abuse me in any way. He rarely says hurtful things in anger. But anyway, I consider myself very self-less and giving, but since he cares about me, I benefit. He can be very logical and that helps me since I'm often so illogical. He is such a blessing. He just somehow knew that I would get better from my mental illness and saw the person I truly am underneath. I believe I am a really good person really. I care so much about people. He says that he just loves to be around me when I'm happy.
I'm so glad the medication worked. I didn't need an anti-depressant, although that was the main issue. I needed a mood stabilizer so I'm not all over the place. I'm sure he is glad I take my meds.
Its funny, we spent the weekend Sat and Sun together and we already miss each other. He wants to see me on Wed. An hour after I left he said he missed me and it was hard to let me go...how sweet is that?!
He even said that he is going to start taking care of his OWI stuff and pay off the fines, without me saying a word about it. Hes keeping his room clean, said he wanted to and it was nice that I didn't even complain. I figured he would eventually, and it has even stayed that way. I'm so happy with just about everything. Plus the sex is just great. We have gotten in the habit of shared showers. Really there is nothing more sensual and nice than having him wash me down. Although after shower sex negates it a bit. lol But oh well. He can make love to me or get wild. He just feeds off my energy. I was worried that when I left my ex that sex wouldn't be good, actually its better.
Oh I can't believe I put up with the ex. I'm so over that. Sean treats me SO SO SO much better and I'm so thankful. He just says that he is glad I'm so happy when he is just being himself and I love him for the way he is.
**went to get ready for bed**
So if I repeat myself that is why.. lol
Idk Sean makes me feel good and then that goes into everything else in my life and I kinda wanna take care of myself more. He says once I get healthier he is going to have to beat guys off with a stick. It kinda worries me because I don't want attention from guys really. I've been stalked a few times in my life but I can't let that rule my life, I guess. My ex was always trying to change me, don't wear that, don't wear that make-up, what is up with that outfit? Sean will tell me the looks he likes and often ones I like the most but I don't HAVE to be like that. I even feel comfortable not wearing make up or anything. And he WANTS to give me affection, with my ex I often had to plead for it and often be told I'm smothering him. Now I can do that with Sean, but he does show that he WANTS to be close to me. Plus my ex would kick me out when he got tired of me, even when I had moved in after he asked me he kicked me out because "I was around too much." Hello I live there. Sean can spend days with me at a time and not be tired of me. So this is what a healthy relationship is like, I LOVE IT! I deserve it. My ex treated me like shit. I had to always give in to what he wanted in fear, Sean gets upset if I cower in the corner and give into everything. He wants me to get my needs me and be assertive. Isn't that wonderful. I know it may seem strange to some that I think this is so great huh?
He will be moving at some point to his brother's. It will be a change not living with his parents. Although they like me and mine like him so us staying the night together doesn't bother them. I can't believe we have only been together 3 months on the 16th of this month. It just feels right. It feels like a lot longer. Often it feels like we live together on a trial period, and it will be even more so when he moves because we will be alone more, I can be there more and we will need to g shopping and do laundry and dishes together. I don't mind, I'm a good gf.
We talked on the phone the other night and I helped him find stuff on the Resident Evil 5 game. it was fun, plus I made him brownies, which he LOVED. I earned our local radio station's Monday morning man card for being such an awesome gf. Video games, food and sex, what else could you want? Sean said nothing.
But we communicated and he really opened my eyes. When I talked to my ex he threatened to block me and never talk to me again, even as a friend. I was filled with that fear again. Sean would NEVER do that. Often he will hug me and tell me he is not going anywhere. I actually have come to trust him. I can't even tell you how much that means to me as a person that suffers from BPD. I'm afraid of being abandoned and left. I know he won't give up on me and that is a HUGE step for me. He said that since we are coming up on 3 months for us, and hes coming up on his longest relationship...I can't believe that since he is 27 and all but he says that the women always left him.
Really I can't believe that. He has shown me how wonderful he truly is. I guess I wasn't able to appreciate it until I ran into the asshole of my ex. I realize how good he makes me feel. He is there for me, supports me and makes me feel good about myself. We balance each other. He has come in closer to me and even though he knows I love him and he isn't able to say it....he is very cautious and reserved and feels that it is overused. But when I wake up in the morning next to him and I look into his eyes and he smiles I can see the love in his eyes.
Honestly the scary fight made me appreciate the blessing that I have in him. He says that he is just happy that he makes me happy because it makes him happy that I am happy. Follow that one? lol. He spent the weekend being so sweet and loving and telling me I'm beautiful. He is excited I'm on a new medication that will help me want to eat. I need to get healthy, that is what we are going to call it to avoid negative self talk. He actually covered up up the mirror in my room so that I would quit looking at myself and saying negative things. He said that I need to get healthy and he is excited about how good I will look, but he says I'm already beautiful but I will become even more so. He is right, I need to get healthy.
We had a great weekend even though we woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was a growl bear and was kinda nasty, but I forgave him, even before he said he was sorry. But he told me it wasn't my fault, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and the stores (we went to get his hair cut and go shopping) didn't carry anything worth shit apparently.
I can't believe I didn't see how blessed I am to have him. We are so good together and we can get through anything. I have finally let go of my ex, through his help. He didn't want to talk about it, he hates him. But he let me talk about how he hurt me AGAIN and how things will work out and I deserve better and I do. I am actually in a healthy relationship and its strange. I'm with someone that cares so much about me. He seeks my best interest no matter what, no his own...like my ex. He doesn't ever abuse me in any way. He rarely says hurtful things in anger. But anyway, I consider myself very self-less and giving, but since he cares about me, I benefit. He can be very logical and that helps me since I'm often so illogical. He is such a blessing. He just somehow knew that I would get better from my mental illness and saw the person I truly am underneath. I believe I am a really good person really. I care so much about people. He says that he just loves to be around me when I'm happy.
I'm so glad the medication worked. I didn't need an anti-depressant, although that was the main issue. I needed a mood stabilizer so I'm not all over the place. I'm sure he is glad I take my meds.
Its funny, we spent the weekend Sat and Sun together and we already miss each other. He wants to see me on Wed. An hour after I left he said he missed me and it was hard to let me go...how sweet is that?!
He even said that he is going to start taking care of his OWI stuff and pay off the fines, without me saying a word about it. Hes keeping his room clean, said he wanted to and it was nice that I didn't even complain. I figured he would eventually, and it has even stayed that way. I'm so happy with just about everything. Plus the sex is just great. We have gotten in the habit of shared showers. Really there is nothing more sensual and nice than having him wash me down. Although after shower sex negates it a bit. lol But oh well. He can make love to me or get wild. He just feeds off my energy. I was worried that when I left my ex that sex wouldn't be good, actually its better.
Oh I can't believe I put up with the ex. I'm so over that. Sean treats me SO SO SO much better and I'm so thankful. He just says that he is glad I'm so happy when he is just being himself and I love him for the way he is.
**went to get ready for bed**
So if I repeat myself that is why.. lol
Idk Sean makes me feel good and then that goes into everything else in my life and I kinda wanna take care of myself more. He says once I get healthier he is going to have to beat guys off with a stick. It kinda worries me because I don't want attention from guys really. I've been stalked a few times in my life but I can't let that rule my life, I guess. My ex was always trying to change me, don't wear that, don't wear that make-up, what is up with that outfit? Sean will tell me the looks he likes and often ones I like the most but I don't HAVE to be like that. I even feel comfortable not wearing make up or anything. And he WANTS to give me affection, with my ex I often had to plead for it and often be told I'm smothering him. Now I can do that with Sean, but he does show that he WANTS to be close to me. Plus my ex would kick me out when he got tired of me, even when I had moved in after he asked me he kicked me out because "I was around too much." Hello I live there. Sean can spend days with me at a time and not be tired of me. So this is what a healthy relationship is like, I LOVE IT! I deserve it. My ex treated me like shit. I had to always give in to what he wanted in fear, Sean gets upset if I cower in the corner and give into everything. He wants me to get my needs me and be assertive. Isn't that wonderful. I know it may seem strange to some that I think this is so great huh?
He will be moving at some point to his brother's. It will be a change not living with his parents. Although they like me and mine like him so us staying the night together doesn't bother them. I can't believe we have only been together 3 months on the 16th of this month. It just feels right. It feels like a lot longer. Often it feels like we live together on a trial period, and it will be even more so when he moves because we will be alone more, I can be there more and we will need to g shopping and do laundry and dishes together. I don't mind, I'm a good gf.
We talked on the phone the other night and I helped him find stuff on the Resident Evil 5 game. it was fun, plus I made him brownies, which he LOVED. I earned our local radio station's Monday morning man card for being such an awesome gf. Video games, food and sex, what else could you want? Sean said nothing.
Turns out I am on a mission to make it to the big show, once complete I may die, and my next life begins, and i'll and be with my soul mate, at last and forever! I'll try not to ejaculate in my pants when the time comes. Am I some sort of schizopath burger? Yes! Do I see infinity in a grain of sand? Little bit.
Part One
It all started when I began to see 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, repeating digits in general all too frequently when I looked at clocks and timers. My roommate pointed out to me that he had been seeing it a lot lately, and so I began to pay attention. I noticed little unconscious jerks in the back of my mind telling me it's time to snap my head and look at a clock. I began getting it constantly. He thought it was weird at best, and after enough times of me pointing it out I felt he had declared it me watching the clock. All alone in my little ego bubble I spun out of control and went schizoaffective. I was hearing voices. I remember the first moment I was jolted out of meditation by a woman's voice whispering "we're watching you" in my ear. I needed the answer. I needed the answer! I was confused. If I couldn't recover I would kill myself. I knew I had something important to do and people needed to take me seriously. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being schizophrenic I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself!
Walls closing in. The sky is falling and I am sober. I'm hallucinating and I am sober.
Did I break my brain when I had that most blissful mushroom trip? The one where I figured out where I was going to be a filmmaker? The one where the other told me I would make a good filmmaker? It was my first contact with the other, a few months after I had started noticing synchronicity, it was absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. Then the next morning it was absolute realization of the absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. I'm schizophrenic now, gotcha.
Then after a lot of social isolation and studying psychology I found myself on three hits of acid writing in my journal how I'm basically insane and this is my last ditch effort to get out... Yeah... Yeah... Not gonna happen. So much fucking tension in me. I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. This is too good. Why can't I just calm the fuck down? There's my problem right there, it's all in my fucking body, why can't I just get rid of it!? Maybe I need it.
What is it? It's some mysterious energy. Some Kundalini serpent thing moving through my body.
It's the sickle cells in me.
I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. What are these thoughts I'm thinking? Are they mine? They don't sound like mine. Wait a second, what am I writing? Why did I just write "And a serious problem it is... And this is where I bring it to an end. [WHAT THE FUCK!?] Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." I remember now. I remember when I was on 2CI several months ago, typing something on my computer when I lost control of what I was typing and accidentally typed something like "Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." because this weird kundalini snake thing was using my fingers. I remember. I'm on the fast track. Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo. Hello Other. I love you. You're scary.
Wow. My heart is always going a mile a minuite because I can see the goal line. It's in my sight.
But I need a miracle to bring it back so here we are.
2012...
Oh my God.
So I guess I know my assignment! Gotcha. Sorry about all the mess.
Part Two
So here we are. We have the telepathy. We are at the next step of human evolution.
Who is we? We is many people. Many other people. Not the voices in my head. Turns out the voices in my head were people and ghosts in and around my neighbourhood, and of course "the other".
Yup.
Turns out I'm more of a schizoid schizotypal sociopath type, not so much a schizoaffective type. Turns out I wasn't talking to other versions of me. It's true. I asked them.
Yup.
One day at 4:00 in the morning, on drugs, I came into telepathic communication with my soul mate, Jamie. The woman who used to live in my appartment before she got evicted for all the crack. We are artists. We are filmmakers. We are musicians. We are. We. We are at the same place. We are on a mission. We are in a beautiful wonderland that was not meant to be. Jamie, I love you, please kill me. When are we going to meet?
To anybody who's reading this who has a death fetish, don't worry, it's okay. So does everybody. To anybody who's reading this that doesn't have a death fetish: you're lying. Stop it. It's beautiful. Stop running.
Death is an illusion.
We'll prove it.
Watch.
Jamie's dead. Jamie just left a dead body in her parent's basement.
Jamie, I love you, please kill me. It was supposed to be me first.
Turns out I'm not schizophrenic. Turns out it's telepathy.
Yup.
When are we going to meet? In our next life, at last and forever! Where we will do film.
But for now we are two souls wandering this earth until The Big Show. You can use my body when you need it. I'll just near death it on heroin like my neighbours have been successfully doing. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out i'm not schizophrenic. But we can't use crack for the body swap. The ice is too sharp. So long as this body doesn't die.
Part Three
So Osborne Village is telepathic. Whoops, that's what we get for playing with all sorts of crackmeth psychosis. To be awakened to telepathy you have to put a stimulant or psychedelic in your system or have a certain level of autism and be in a hotspot or in the presence of somebody of a higher level of consciousness, somebody who can peek through your third wall. My friend Sam first looked into my mind while travelling in the hypnagogic state during a sleep over when we were children. Whoops, that's what we get for being all sorts of... 2012.. uh... uh... The memories were repressed a little, but after we had met again and I had absorbed his contact high several months ago while I was still under the impression that I was talking to the voices in my head I had completely recalled them. By the end of the night, his contact high entailed a long, detailed conversation over telepathy and all sorts of fast moving, complicated, telekinetic healing.
The tool EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which involves a tone pulsating from one ear to the other and a pulsating left/right visual or tactile input, usually used for decompartmentalization of thoughts and belief systems can alternatively be used for inducing a temporary schizophrenia-like state by looking to the alternate side of where the tone is playing while under the influence of pot, a stimulant or psychedelic. During and after the session you are more open to telepathy. People can project themselves into the room, visually, using objects scattered around the room. It's sacred. We're gonna bring it to music and light shows and sickle cell lock you on the dance floor.
The woman who discovered the extra special side of it, our mom, a brilliant psychotherapist, is not in her original body, she killed herself looking for a cure to the schizophrenia. Whoops, she found it. And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. We used your good sickle cells, we used your good autism. We spread good cheer throughout the neighbourhood. You'll reincarnate somewhere.
I could feel her calling us all toward some center, in osborne village, before I was awkakened and in tune to telepathy... around the time I was lost in a daze of repressed memories. We are lost. Can you come find us? Put us all back together?
Are you the room with all the dead bodys in it? Nope, I'm just practicing EMDR on a psychedelic. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out I'm not schizophrenic are the ones with the opiate at the moment. Whoops. Who put the word I in there? The one doing all sorts of schizophrenic get to the heroin orgy part. Whoops, who put the word schizophrenic in there? I wanna poke a needle through it. Just like that reference to the telekentic healing. I'm freakin' out... I'm freakin' out! Nah not really.
And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. And we broke it. Whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops.... whoops... whoops....
...
whoops.
Get to the 2012 part. Get to the big heroin orgy part. Get to the death part! Where I will be all sorts of crescendo!
whoops.
Part One
It all started when I began to see 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, repeating digits in general all too frequently when I looked at clocks and timers. My roommate pointed out to me that he had been seeing it a lot lately, and so I began to pay attention. I noticed little unconscious jerks in the back of my mind telling me it's time to snap my head and look at a clock. I began getting it constantly. He thought it was weird at best, and after enough times of me pointing it out I felt he had declared it me watching the clock. All alone in my little ego bubble I spun out of control and went schizoaffective. I was hearing voices. I remember the first moment I was jolted out of meditation by a woman's voice whispering "we're watching you" in my ear. I needed the answer. I needed the answer! I was confused. If I couldn't recover I would kill myself. I knew I had something important to do and people needed to take me seriously. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being schizophrenic I would kill myself. If I couldn't stop being confused I would kill myself!
Walls closing in. The sky is falling and I am sober. I'm hallucinating and I am sober.
Did I break my brain when I had that most blissful mushroom trip? The one where I figured out where I was going to be a filmmaker? The one where the other told me I would make a good filmmaker? It was my first contact with the other, a few months after I had started noticing synchronicity, it was absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. Then the next morning it was absolute realization of the absolute realization that there was another being in my mind communicating with me. I'm schizophrenic now, gotcha.
Then after a lot of social isolation and studying psychology I found myself on three hits of acid writing in my journal how I'm basically insane and this is my last ditch effort to get out... Yeah... Yeah... Not gonna happen. So much fucking tension in me. I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. This is too good. Why can't I just calm the fuck down? There's my problem right there, it's all in my fucking body, why can't I just get rid of it!? Maybe I need it.
What is it? It's some mysterious energy. Some Kundalini serpent thing moving through my body.
It's the sickle cells in me.
I absolutely can't stop writing like this because it's the only way that conforms to the way my hands shake. What are these thoughts I'm thinking? Are they mine? They don't sound like mine. Wait a second, what am I writing? Why did I just write "And a serious problem it is... And this is where I bring it to an end. [WHAT THE FUCK!?] Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." I remember now. I remember when I was on 2CI several months ago, typing something on my computer when I lost control of what I was typing and accidentally typed something like "Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo." because this weird kundalini snake thing was using my fingers. I remember. I'm on the fast track. Now I can feel how I've always been at this tempo. Hello Other. I love you. You're scary.
Wow. My heart is always going a mile a minuite because I can see the goal line. It's in my sight.
But I need a miracle to bring it back so here we are.
2012...
Oh my God.
So I guess I know my assignment! Gotcha. Sorry about all the mess.
Part Two
So here we are. We have the telepathy. We are at the next step of human evolution.
Who is we? We is many people. Many other people. Not the voices in my head. Turns out the voices in my head were people and ghosts in and around my neighbourhood, and of course "the other".
Yup.
Turns out I'm more of a schizoid schizotypal sociopath type, not so much a schizoaffective type. Turns out I wasn't talking to other versions of me. It's true. I asked them.
Yup.
One day at 4:00 in the morning, on drugs, I came into telepathic communication with my soul mate, Jamie. The woman who used to live in my appartment before she got evicted for all the crack. We are artists. We are filmmakers. We are musicians. We are. We. We are at the same place. We are on a mission. We are in a beautiful wonderland that was not meant to be. Jamie, I love you, please kill me. When are we going to meet?
To anybody who's reading this who has a death fetish, don't worry, it's okay. So does everybody. To anybody who's reading this that doesn't have a death fetish: you're lying. Stop it. It's beautiful. Stop running.
Death is an illusion.
We'll prove it.
Watch.
Jamie's dead. Jamie just left a dead body in her parent's basement.
Jamie, I love you, please kill me. It was supposed to be me first.
Turns out I'm not schizophrenic. Turns out it's telepathy.
Yup.
When are we going to meet? In our next life, at last and forever! Where we will do film.
But for now we are two souls wandering this earth until The Big Show. You can use my body when you need it. I'll just near death it on heroin like my neighbours have been successfully doing. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out i'm not schizophrenic. But we can't use crack for the body swap. The ice is too sharp. So long as this body doesn't die.
Part Three
So Osborne Village is telepathic. Whoops, that's what we get for playing with all sorts of crackmeth psychosis. To be awakened to telepathy you have to put a stimulant or psychedelic in your system or have a certain level of autism and be in a hotspot or in the presence of somebody of a higher level of consciousness, somebody who can peek through your third wall. My friend Sam first looked into my mind while travelling in the hypnagogic state during a sleep over when we were children. Whoops, that's what we get for being all sorts of... 2012.. uh... uh... The memories were repressed a little, but after we had met again and I had absorbed his contact high several months ago while I was still under the impression that I was talking to the voices in my head I had completely recalled them. By the end of the night, his contact high entailed a long, detailed conversation over telepathy and all sorts of fast moving, complicated, telekinetic healing.
The tool EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which involves a tone pulsating from one ear to the other and a pulsating left/right visual or tactile input, usually used for decompartmentalization of thoughts and belief systems can alternatively be used for inducing a temporary schizophrenia-like state by looking to the alternate side of where the tone is playing while under the influence of pot, a stimulant or psychedelic. During and after the session you are more open to telepathy. People can project themselves into the room, visually, using objects scattered around the room. It's sacred. We're gonna bring it to music and light shows and sickle cell lock you on the dance floor.
The woman who discovered the extra special side of it, our mom, a brilliant psychotherapist, is not in her original body, she killed herself looking for a cure to the schizophrenia. Whoops, she found it. And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. We used your good sickle cells, we used your good autism. We spread good cheer throughout the neighbourhood. You'll reincarnate somewhere.
I could feel her calling us all toward some center, in osborne village, before I was awkakened and in tune to telepathy... around the time I was lost in a daze of repressed memories. We are lost. Can you come find us? Put us all back together?
Are you the room with all the dead bodys in it? Nope, I'm just practicing EMDR on a psychedelic. My neighbours with the telepathy turns out I'm not schizophrenic are the ones with the opiate at the moment. Whoops. Who put the word I in there? The one doing all sorts of schizophrenic get to the heroin orgy part. Whoops, who put the word schizophrenic in there? I wanna poke a needle through it. Just like that reference to the telekentic healing. I'm freakin' out... I'm freakin' out! Nah not really.
And then some poor broke woman came to us with a body. Whoops, we're stealin' it. With all sorts of heroin overdose. And we broke it. Whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops.... whoops... whoops....
...
whoops.
Get to the 2012 part. Get to the big heroin orgy part. Get to the death part! Where I will be all sorts of crescendo!
whoops.
im in a tiny fantasy
one that has so delicately slammed me against the wall
it's painfully joyous
and a devastating thrill
caution has been thrown to the wind
one that has so delicately slammed me against the wall
it's painfully joyous
and a devastating thrill
caution has been thrown to the wind
yeah so this thing gets a lot of use huh? hahaha
well I'm bored at the moment, and the lounge is slow as fuck since the recent purge of all the fun people. so I guess I'll post here.
well I tried the whole counseling thing, didn't really work out for me. I think I just need to find a steady supply of suboxone and quit on my own time. cause that place was bullshit. I've been out of work now for a long time and shit it gets depressing after about 2 months, you run out of money and you're constantly borrowing from people or doing whatever you can to get a few fucking dollars. plus having a heroin habit doesn't help in the slightest. I've calmed down quite a bit with it, down to ~1 or 2 pills at the most a day. only because I can't afford more, but whatever take it as it is. I hate being sick, but doing something shitty to get well doesn't feel much better. ugh, this is why I hate this addiction shit so much. its fun up until this point. every time I quit I get to the point you know 2 or 3 months clean and you're bored and you've got some cash. so I get high. and I'm like oh fuck yeah I remember why I liked this shit so much! then I get back into the cycle and 2 or 3 months later I'm here. out of money, sick every day except for maybe 10 hours when I scrounge up 15 bucks for gas and a dope and usually its not even that long cause the shit lately hasn't been good at all. god damn life sucks sometimes....
but enough about me. oh wait... this is all about me.... well I'm done then. if you've read this, hope you enjoyed it and if you don't use heroin. don't start, for serious.
well I'm bored at the moment, and the lounge is slow as fuck since the recent purge of all the fun people. so I guess I'll post here.
well I tried the whole counseling thing, didn't really work out for me. I think I just need to find a steady supply of suboxone and quit on my own time. cause that place was bullshit. I've been out of work now for a long time and shit it gets depressing after about 2 months, you run out of money and you're constantly borrowing from people or doing whatever you can to get a few fucking dollars. plus having a heroin habit doesn't help in the slightest. I've calmed down quite a bit with it, down to ~1 or 2 pills at the most a day. only because I can't afford more, but whatever take it as it is. I hate being sick, but doing something shitty to get well doesn't feel much better. ugh, this is why I hate this addiction shit so much. its fun up until this point. every time I quit I get to the point you know 2 or 3 months clean and you're bored and you've got some cash. so I get high. and I'm like oh fuck yeah I remember why I liked this shit so much! then I get back into the cycle and 2 or 3 months later I'm here. out of money, sick every day except for maybe 10 hours when I scrounge up 15 bucks for gas and a dope and usually its not even that long cause the shit lately hasn't been good at all. god damn life sucks sometimes....
but enough about me. oh wait... this is all about me.... well I'm done then. if you've read this, hope you enjoyed it and if you don't use heroin. don't start, for serious.
Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.
It's almost official, I will be in Australia for 2 weeks around end-June, beginning of July.
I need a LOT of info from those of you who happen to find yourselves down-under, I'm a clueless tourist ;-) I'm (apparently) going to be landing in Sydney with the chance of being there for 2 days, then moving on to Brisbane. Would LOVE to meet up with anyone who is anywhere close (or even far away) from where I'm going to be.
I need a LOT of info from those of you who happen to find yourselves down-under, I'm a clueless tourist ;-) I'm (apparently) going to be landing in Sydney with the chance of being there for 2 days, then moving on to Brisbane. Would LOVE to meet up with anyone who is anywhere close (or even far away) from where I'm going to be.
I decided that I'm going to eat meat again. It's been over 14 years now. I've been anemic most of that time even though I do take iron supplements. I think mixing some meat into my diet could help strengthen my energy level which I think would do wonders for my mind.
I gave up meat mainly because I just didn't like the taste of it. That was when I was 14 though, I know some of my other tastes have changed since then. I just don't know how to re-introduce meat into my diet. About 6 years ago I took one bite out of a roast beef sandwich and got super sick. My digestive system isn't used to meat. I'm going to have to research it some and see what other people have done, so I won't get horribly sick.
I gave up meat mainly because I just didn't like the taste of it. That was when I was 14 though, I know some of my other tastes have changed since then. I just don't know how to re-introduce meat into my diet. About 6 years ago I took one bite out of a roast beef sandwich and got super sick. My digestive system isn't used to meat. I'm going to have to research it some and see what other people have done, so I won't get horribly sick.
the pale skinny redhead running like she owns the world lacking any impaired judgment, skilled in manipulation, god-talk, detachment, yells whenever nobody's listening and with the perfect fiance, methods of stress relief and plans for the future she inhales, exhales, approaches oncoming traffic and
Whenever I withdrawal from opiates.... I always resort to inhaling massive amounts of Nitrous Oxide to satisfy the immediate rush that IV'ing heroin gave me. Yes it's not the same buzz exactly, but it works for me!
In this my upcoming blogs I would like to write down whatever comes to mind as I become intoxicated on the substance mentioned in the title.
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how am i able to do this with one hand??? fuckin whit an wctual whipped cream maker/canister. worth the $30-$40. plus you can load k xjnkmmls@@@@\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\rru if cat
so up n down i got
UP: disclaimer-- sometimes i black out to sorry if i don't ctually write anything
In this my upcoming blogs I would like to write down whatever comes to mind as I become intoxicated on the substance mentioned in the title.
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how am i able to do this with one hand??? fuckin whit an wctual whipped cream maker/canister. worth the $30-$40. plus you can load k xjnkmmls@@@@\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\rru if cat
so up n down i got
UP: disclaimer-- sometimes i black out to sorry if i don't ctually write anything
I just tried on these shoes and they're super comfy.
I came home and found out that they're 50% cheaper on Ebay (unworn). I might have to splurge!
I came home and found out that they're 50% cheaper on Ebay (unworn). I might have to splurge!
Andi (MyNameIsNotDeja) is a lovely girl full of positivity. I have met her twice already in Bangkok and I really enjoy her company.
She is sincerely affirmative and uncynical about everything. The other night she was able to make everyone at a bar to dance.
We went to a faux-irish-pub to watch a Thai "rock" Band. They did covers of very predictable American Rock songs like Hotel California and several Metallica tracks. Since the lead singer, like most Thai men, cannot sing for the life of him without sounding like a girl, he decided (again, like all other Thai "rock" singer), to do the roar (or whatever you call it - singers in metal bands resort to doing that a lot). Thus in typical Thai fashion, taking all the bad elements of American Rock, and none of the good.
Anyway, after that was finally over, they played a bit of dancy music. The westerners in the bar were too busy talking to notice. And the Thais don't dance in places they're not supposed to. Anyway, Andi started dancing, made me and our friend dance with her, and soon everyone else was dancing! It was awesome!
Again in typical Thai style, they cut off the dance music just as it started playing "Get This Party started" to make way for yet-another-shitty-Thai-band to play. Also in a typical Thai fashion, the weighters angrily rearranged the tables back so that there was no place to dance.
In other news, it appears that I WILL be visiting India next month! OMG I'm so excited!!!
But yeah... Andi is awesome.
Thailand is not.
She is sincerely affirmative and uncynical about everything. The other night she was able to make everyone at a bar to dance.
We went to a faux-irish-pub to watch a Thai "rock" Band. They did covers of very predictable American Rock songs like Hotel California and several Metallica tracks. Since the lead singer, like most Thai men, cannot sing for the life of him without sounding like a girl, he decided (again, like all other Thai "rock" singer), to do the roar (or whatever you call it - singers in metal bands resort to doing that a lot). Thus in typical Thai fashion, taking all the bad elements of American Rock, and none of the good.
Anyway, after that was finally over, they played a bit of dancy music. The westerners in the bar were too busy talking to notice. And the Thais don't dance in places they're not supposed to. Anyway, Andi started dancing, made me and our friend dance with her, and soon everyone else was dancing! It was awesome!
Again in typical Thai style, they cut off the dance music just as it started playing "Get This Party started" to make way for yet-another-shitty-Thai-band to play. Also in a typical Thai fashion, the weighters angrily rearranged the tables back so that there was no place to dance.
In other news, it appears that I WILL be visiting India next month! OMG I'm so excited!!!
But yeah... Andi is awesome
.Thailand is not.
Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.
Had good day today. Walked into town and went to flower shop. Bought vase with bouquet of girlfriends favorite flowers and small card. Wrote "Just thinking about you dollface... I love you -Connie". Bouquet came will small butterfly on one flower. Left at doorstep of her house before she came home from work. Sent her text saying "Mind the butterfly, because it nibbles. Om nom nom nom!" When she got home she called. Poured heart to me on phone. Said nobody is as sweet as me, nobody ever treat her so nice before, that she loves me more than anything. Brought her to tears. Was in park down the street from her house. Told her I was chilling. She came over to see me. Evening was gorgeous. Came up to me and embraced me. Cried over flowers, cried over me. Talked about many things. Talk of marriage came up, said she would like to get married someday, gave me loving look. Ended up kissing, hugging, and whispering sweet things to her under trees in moonlight. Played like care free children as well. Almost drove me to tears at end of night when we parted ways, told me things nobody has ever said to me before. Took us 30 minutes to say goodbye to each other. Spoke about future. Annemarie is real sweetheart. Luckiest man in world to have someone like her. Love her more than anything and she loves back. Find it funny, always swore to self I would never bother with a relationship or girlfriend. Never expected girl like her to come into life. Never could of pictured being so affectionate and loving to another human being. Never imagined fine young lady would love me so tenderly and change my life.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.
Finally got car back. Excited. Can finally see girlfreind more and come and go from house as I please. Also turns out girlfreind not pregnant.
Have doctors appointment and work tomorrow.