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Give me a highway that snakes through the ghettos of my home and I will show you the location of every place my soul has ever been re born.

Do you really want to know? As you drive i will point out to you - "That one...That one...That one...That one...That one...."

I am just the same as you but I know the secrets of all the places you go right past. When I think of paradise its a porcelin sink and a noisy vent blowing above my head. My promised land is a 7 by 7 square foot patch of tile with a good solid lock.

Some of them are all the same. Dunkin donuts for example. Theyre a good friend cuz you can always count on them. dont fuck around in the ones in the hood they know wat your doin , you up to no good. However, 85 cents and a strawberry frosted donut changes everything. One bagged confection later and youre welcome to have a upset stomach and really need to use the bathroom as long as you want without nobody knock knock knockin you out of your fleeting bliss.

Then theres the restaurants. Kiddies and moms peeing together, wash your hands, I SAID WASH YOUR HANDS, NO that does NOT mean to play with the hand dryer! Sit deathly still tryin not to spill your prized possession of the moment, waiting for the sound of ripping toilet paper and flushing and the slam and draft of the door shutting so you can go over to the baby changing station and make better use of the flat surface, cuz who wants to mix their shot on a toilet paper dispenser or a tampon disposal box. and the back of toilet tank is out of the question becuz while its nice and big and flat, God already hates you and you aint gonna take the risk of placing your dope no where NEAR a pool of water with the power to destroy your precious cargo. Shit I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

Wanderin out to the smell of fries and back into the cold light a smoke as soon as you pass thru the doors, mission successful.

But my favorite is the lonely back rooms where you get a key attatched to some impossibly large object to make sure you dont run off with that shit. Dont nobody want to go in there. You know that aint no housewife with her kid who "really gotta go pee-pee, mommy," is gonna lower her self and her kid to THAT grimey ass excuse for a toilet. So you go inside and buy the cheapest thing available since those old middle eastern or hispanic guys dependin where you at , dont like people playin in their damn bathrooms. "you buy" they say, and you toss em 50 cents and walk away with the key to your private motel room for the next 10 minutes. Not bad rates I got to say. Ill come back next time I need to stay.

A cracked mirror under a half burned out bulb awaits you and a soggy mop bucket covered in gray slime rests in the corner. The white grout of the tile floor long since turned black. The sink with a bar of brown colored ivory soap, dried up crust where the outlines of where bubbles sat about 2 years ago which was the last time someone used that soap. a paper towel dispenser with nothin to show when you crank the knob on the side. Now thats wat Im talkin about you think. Ever so gently arranging the tools of your trade like a surgeon ready to dive into a triple bypass you lay out your cap, your q tip, your set, and checking for any drop of water before you make a move you see that its acceptable and briefly rest your bags down on the rim of the sink.

Time is tickin, dont wanna go slow and use up a 'take a shit' amount of time with no stank to leave behind so you better move your ass. its second nature, even tho you are satisfied in your logical mind that aint nobody gonna even remember your ass in the constant stream of travelers passing in and out and youre safe for the moment and then some.

I like those bathrooms. It might be beauty in decay. Or maybe its the feeling that everything else on earth that I want I cant have, too poor, too much of a junkie, not enough education. A lexus and a credit card aint never gonna be mine. So I will enjoy the last scraps left over that nobody else wants. Its ok that its dirty cuz you know why its dirty, its from people like you, Its just the same things you are used to. We got super power anti germ protection. We aint scared of no damn dirt right. Shit, your q tip fell on the floor, well wat the fuck are you supposed to do about it you aint got no more. 5 second rule. and you peel and pull off a little ball, pinchin the top off so you know, its like the part that touched the floor is gone , yea, so its ok.

When its ready you take the plunge, whew its done, and stare up at your flickering florescent sun. You survey your kingdom from your throne which happens to be standing backed up against the wall because theres barely enough room for the shitter and the sink in the room. Raise your scepter and use it to shoot the blood tinged water up at the ceiling splattering browinsh pink water in a nice fireworks type of pattern on the chipped cobwebbed plaster. Job description? Interior decorator.

Yea man, I got it good you think. Everything I need right here. For now.

In your quiet tomb , echoes reflect off the tile walls, the light keeps stuttering and a moth flutters around it with a death wish. The rusty sink drips and the brown streaked toilet bowl sweats rust tinged condensation down the side of the pot.

And at that moment that the divine light hits you, the moment you been waiting for, it all stops while some shitty radio station travels from the back of the quicky mart thru the exposed insulation into your presence and you cant even hear the song and you dont care, and the door is locked firm, no one to bother you, to take you out of your day dream, a wall of scarred up graffiti covered industrial steel bars you from the outside world and you from it, and the sink drips in a dopehead lullaby symphony , and your body hits a climax of the ultimate not giving a fuck about the fact that you are surrounded by filth and no one in the world knows where you are....At that moment of salvation, of a diesel powered freight train runnin through your veins, of nothingness and nowhere, you are, Supremely alone. And thats the point, aint it?

it's all just hopeless imperfections. things to look over or to sweep under the rug because of their inevitable existence. in these taunting hours of total revelation i can pin point the exact beginning. i can see through the tangerine stars laced with coincidence and strategically placed, one by one, in their solitude. i havent found what it is ive been looking for, but i have a map and the carrot is dangling before my sleepy eyes, trusting the blue spiral dreams hungry for realization. the weight of the world and the silence of not knowing defines the present state. it settles uneasily, separating like oil and water until shaken unmercifully. im going to kick the jar.

So, I've done a pretty miserable job of posting in my blog up until now. The thing is, I think of things throughout the day to write, but by the time I get home I've either forgotten them or couldn't be bothered with it. None the less, I like the idea of having a blog, so I'm going to try to take inspiration from James Kochalka and distill the day down to one particular event.

24 April 2009

Yesterday I was able to celebrate a small victory. At work I needed to contact someone at a contract lab in the 'States to clarify a point. However my contact there has only been in touch with some exec with another company, who has only been in touch with my CEO, who just forwarded their info to me. Unfortunately, the contact info was just a mailing address and phone number.

A little background is in order perhaps. I have an issue with phones. For many (unfortunately formative) years I had a fairly severe stutter. This led, as any visible difference from others will at that age, to ostracism and isolation from my peers. Over years of therapy I've learned how to speak more or less normally, but by then the damage was done: speech was, and remains, a huge source of anxiety for me. These days I can handle face-to-face communication well enough, but I am still virtually incapable of picking up a phone and calling my best friends, much less a stranger.

So with a minimum of psyching up, I was able to call my contact, clarify the point that needed to be clarified (whether or not my very dilute prototype sample needed an MSDS), and concluded the call with no problems. Mind you, I did pretty well have to script most of the call, but for me that's still a huge step.

Hm, maybe I should learn to draw comics. It would certainly be a lot more succinct. And interesting

Dave is very valuable to blogs with his great insight and caring nature.

He'll be helping me out with modding blogs now. Please welcome him!!

well i haven't really packed up my apartment for the move on tuesday, but honestly i don't have that much stuff.

i'm kind of anxious about getting into the new apartment in the new state (moving from chicago to grand rapids), and hope i can follow through with my plan to work really hard on drawing and building a body of work before my graduate studies begin this fall.

i'm worried i'll just play computer games all summer instead

Ok so Ive never been much for rolling until here recently, I am taking lamictal for a "mood disorder" im actualy just irratable but either way i take it I also take celexa, this is for depression and severe anxiety.. I am wondering if It is possible and safe for me to roll, or will i need to stop my medication? I would rather not caus eI do get pretty irritable when i dont take it... I appreciate someone advise and help on this... Thank youvery much

I mean but wow . . SNORt HE HIS WAY INTO THIS

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I am just now about 80 minutes into my first time with mephedrone . . . never tried it but suddenly remembered that I had a 200mg sample stashed away somewhere... friday night, due to many nights out in recent past happy to stay home without cabin fever and enjoy myself home alone.

as an ex-methylone fiend (20gr+) I have to say this is quite different despite similarities. Speedier and drunker... less heart chakra but WAY more sexual chakra stuff.

DRUNK (alcohol) +
EMPATHY (mdma) +
DIZZY (heh, whatever...drunk? ghb / kratom-like)
HORNY as all hell ... must get my hands on some more to test with girlfriend.

Now about 90 minutes into it... still coming up because I snorted it in small increments... first one maybe 20mg... slowly added as I started feeling tingles and flashes of "wowwmmm" and kept adding faster and with bigger lines... till all gone. DEFINITELY FIENDISH, and should I indeed obtain some then I hope I can gtlo slow and not do too much in a night (reports aplenty suggest that is unwise) and not do it too often. All that of course pending acceptable mbodysoulmind till day 4 or so after the experience, to be sure with the serotonin hole issue. (Because the very rare cousin of this -- this one here being 4-methyl-meth-cath, and the cousin being 4-methoxy-meth-cath --- gave me a HUGE serotonin slump, post-use depression, after I'd used a double dose twice within 4 days. Was truly and abominably miserable for a week after that. I loved it but would refrain from obtaining more simply because the low was awful.

Having said that I am a volatile person really. Hypomanic/moderately depressed... bipolar... and it's haapend with so many of thse stims ... feel great and then feel crap. Loved my methylone till it got the better of me and showed me how easily i can become a fiend with no principles but pleasure. That was hard lesson to learn and I don't wanna go all the way back there, I feel like I (should) have learnt something ... well I understood something but I suppose it is only learnt when we can apply the understanding to our lives in a positive transformative or supportive way . . . this is a lot like it... 4FA is another one of those. i LOOOOVED it at first... haha almost no comedown,. that's because it's so treacherous, even the next day i can almost still feel it and it tinges my vision and my hearing, my touch,m indeed all my senses... i am dulled, I am "that" ... kind of blah. Feels, hmm, like being 'taken over' . . . drug auto pilot... Where is self? What is self? hence my reservation ... do I really want to explore another stimulant? 4FA is just... a cloak. Brightener fluffmaker, fuzzy yellower, ultimately unwise, unbebeficial. Easy letdown but feeling fuuzy blah till mid midweek. Not depressed per se but kinda unmotivted and unbothered to think about it all too much. Medium-term some moodswings but .. ok. Not much total desperation, only little anxiety. Anxiety is what I get when I take too much coke (and very little can be too much) or MDPV.

Coke and MDPV were never my thing. Too soon I got too stressed out (are these the releasers rather than the reuptake inhibitors?) - the plateau of sexually excited euphoria and the hard crash of "wow man this is serious now my fingers are cold, my jaw is grinding i am overstimulated and all this feel like an effort" ... nahm, don't like that. Dysphoria and Worry.

Eth-Cath I tried. VERY nice. Nice at home and nice with beers out with friend... if I drink enough I don't even realise much of a comedown bar some scatteredness. Tried it at a concert, with beer as I often do when going out, and had fun. But again easily overstimulated, and sadly i find that once that has happened there is no way out till sleep. So at this concert where i took eth-cath... (and probably K and a but stoned and 3 beers or so, cos that's my weekend going-out staple, plus coca-leabes sometimes) ... I had GREAT FUN.... Till it wore off. became weary, bit negative, wistful... top-up didn't work. no top-ups with eth-cath... nos is that good or bad? probably good but makes it hard to use when going out... crashes too soon... so does methyone, I find... i didn't use to think so but now I do...

hah but this is turning into journal stuff. I just took a break from my Tokyo Erotica porn Watching session in the living room to share with you all my first impressions of my first experience on 4-mmc aka mephedrone, I mean wow what i talkative fucker i am now, hahaha! benn onm Bluelight for years now, not been reading or posting much any more the last year or(or two, almost) because i have in the process of repositioning myself in relation to drugs and decided to allot them a smaller space in the canvas ogf my life . . .

but then ... everything changes.... some 10 days ago I took E with my new partner... my first time in 11 months .. her first time EVER .... it was nothing short of stunning on many personal levels I will not share here... but what strikes me is I didn't get a comedown.... I know i am in love and it helped us bond.... but still , moody bastard that I was until the day i took the MDMA, I am nothing short of amazed at how much better i am now.

So why spoil it with more drugs (beloved new partner is away, no reunion for 5 or 6 months) ... haha. Anyway, this one got me writing. i am thinking of obtaining some because I feel like it could be fun to take ti with her. Indeed a sexy drug.... and the empathy.... for fuck's sake... this is grumpy ximot telling the "other drugs" forum his experience of 200mg mephedrone intranasally snorted over the period of 80 minutes.... I haven't been on BL much recently, but I think of this space quite a bit... i wish you all well... and I type and I type... straight into the Thread reply window. i will post this now, before some bad click erases it forever. and then I will copy paste it into my first journal. I am going to open a journal now. This is my first journal entry. Thank you, world!



EDIT. ah yeah I also took 0.5gr K just before i started writing. Often when I take K, especially in combination with stimulants, I feel like I have taken a truth drug . . . and I wrote non-stop for hlf an hour. Wow, sometimes I still do surprise myself. Now, whas this progress (am I becoming more creative and expansive and affirmative?) or regression (falling back into old habits... deadpan posts endlessly reiterating and not helping me...). I wonder. Sometimes...

Those of you who know me well and who have read all this, perhaps you can tell me... this is kinda how I want to be all the time without drugs, yet minus the drama that comes with being a tad overwhelmed.

A warm thank you to all who interacted with me over the years and made my Bluelight time a memorable one, and one I am glad to have been a part of for so long so far.

damn... and i started by telling u all it was a horny drug... hahaha. no girl here and started thinking about things while watching that film... and then got so into my thoughts, like wow, and felt compelled to share. And I don't feel horny now. Just ... thinky in a good way, and I have a bit of a gurn . . . @T+2hr...so, from first snort to last snort it took me just under an hour really.... 200mg wheeeeeeee

I realize it's self-defeating to think of how much money I would have right now had I accepted my job offer after undergrad and not gone on to grad school only to graduate with loads of debt (a year in Finland partying costs about as much as a 5 series), but I just can't help it.

Here I sit, utterly unemployed despite my best efforts. Okay, I admit I did have a job for a while after grad school but it was a fucking slave factory and because my boss's boss was a dick to him my boss was also a dick to me. So, probably becoming many people's secret hero, I walked into his office and said "I quit and fuck you." Once the awesomeness wore off, of course, I noticed that I wasn't making any money for several months and here I sit still.

Within the next couple of months I will be totally broke if I don't get a job, and it is not exactly very cool to ask grandma for $10,000 all the time when you're 25 years old - and in the meantime let her decorate your apartment and put groceries in it while inexplicably, my roommate, who I have sex with on a daily basis, pays both rent and electricity for both of us. To be fair, she has her own house she rents out which almost makes my existence as a bum acceptable on some level.

It's the sedentary nature of my existence that is driving me out of my mind right now. I go to as many job fairs as possible since I blew some stupid amount of money on a new office wardrobe. I have even covered the clothing and electronics stores at the mall with my applications. There are a few companies that have put me through a few interviews but no word yet.

It is starting to really get me down. I had to sell all of my stock Friday just to be sure that I definitely had enough money to meet my debt payments if I don't get hired by someone soon, and of course I can look forward to receiving a bill from the IRS next year for not reporting that 60% gain in the first four months of this year (yes, I can be awesome sometimes).

If it weren't for my psychiatrist keeping me fairly sedated, I probably would have had a heart attack by now.

check out this thread. i spammed about 8 or 9 drawings from this past month.

in other news, i'll be moving in the next 9 days, which has me nervous and excited.

It's nearly impossible to overcome the horrid and loved images, events, and times that seem to have been the building blocks of what has become of me, who I am today.
Every little seemingly meaningless occurrence in one’s life someday will have an impact.
The first years of your life are everything. Parental influence is everything.
What did I see as a child? I saw my father a slave to the needle, vomiting on the couch, shooting up in the car, the blood running into the needle as his eyes closed.

Many of my thoughts seem to contradict each other. I’m in my own mental war with myself.
Meth does not define me. I hate to love it.

My respect for Meth and the potential it carries is beyond words.
The way that it can overpower someone.. Power that has gripped me, and pursued it even whilst staring into the face of death – head on...
Meth made me different person, with a different personality, a whole new character, while the true you is still present, but being locked up behind a barrier that prevents any and all of your former morals, personalities, and beliefs from playing any role within this new person. A person you never pictured yourself becoming. The thing you said you’d never be.
A person who sleeps with men for money. Drags others willingly into a course of addiction without regret. A person who drives their own mother to depression and their own father to suicide. A person who just doesn’t give a damn about anything but their fucking pipe.
Meth creates a glass wall, leaving you at times able to see through and see what you used to be but never able to become it. All advice from other people will be denied and furiously retaliated because of this entirely different person that you now are.

It’s when you finally see a glimpse of the person you used to be – that you realise you are addicted. For some this never even happens. It didn’t to me for five years. Now it has; and I wish I remained oblivious. It’s easier not to care.

I am so pissed off right now im having a major come down from speed and need to take more,im too scared to incase the dogs smell it in my sweat at the prison tomorrow and no one wants to help me....

In this dream that I had, I was talking to a guy. He put his arms around me and started kissing me, then said "Why are you so sad? God and Christ are all around us." I reached down to see if he was hard - he was. I woke up angry. Who gives people the right to say that they know the truth? His experience isn't mine - it might be completely false. I can't accept his truth at face value because I haven't experienced it - God is nowhere to be found in my life. I believe in karma, and some kind of order to the universe, but there is no parent-figure like God looking out for me. Do I wish there was? Fuck yes I do.

I really want someone to take care of me like my parents did when I was little. I don't feel like a capable adult, even though everyone says I am. I feel helpless against the tides of the world, like some rock being buffeted around in the sea. It would be nice if there was some bigger being watching out for me and taking care of me, but I don't experience that - I don't believe. I can't even depend on other people to love me and take care of me - all of their love is conditional. Sometimes guys seem like they will love and take care of me, but that's only on the condition that I get them off, that I please their primal physical senses in some way. Women usually expect that I always agree with them and validate them emotionally. People get fed up with loving and taking care of other people, so I would never expect them to love and take care of me the way I need.

But I am really jealous of people who claim to have God or Christ or some such being in their life. I can't say for sure what the truth is, but at least they gain some sense of security and relief from that experience of theirs. I have no such sense of relief or security. I know that I am alone, and I resent it. I don't know how to feel good it - how is that even possible?

Right now, I don't know who I am or what I am doing, what I was supposed to be doing has gone with yesterday. Right now I just need to figure out why indeed I got out of bed today, and hopefully remember that reason tomorrow morning.

Damn, I can't post a SINGLE blog for the freaking life of me can I?! Only 4? Come now!


My grandma and my mom. I look like them don't I?


Me and my parents. They take care of me. I like this picture of us.


Mom and Stepdad. They is good people.

Damn it! I forgot I was gonna post the pictures from Easter.


Me and my Sean




My brother (being a moody 18 year old and not wanting to do pictures), my grandma (who you could never tell is in remission and thats a wig huh?) and me


Me laughing because I tried to kiss my brother on the cheek to get him to smile and he ran away.

I hate when it tells me my blog is too long.

Tramadol and Poppy Pod Tea. Idk WHAT the FUCK is up with my PO box. They keep not sending shit there. I keep looking and it never comes. I don't know what I CAN do about it. I mean I've talked to the post master and all they tell me is they don't have it. I've lost meds $100s in meds that way. I don't know if its the company but now I'm having issues with getting other stuff sent there. What the fuck is up with them?! Any advice on that one?

Home- Well I'm pretty much almost never home. Sean can't drive so I drive and spent most of the week there. Come home. Wash clothes, repack, Internet, tv, go back to Sean's. I hate being here a lot of the time. My family just avoids each other anyway. But recently I've felt kinda sad I never get to be i MY safe place....MY room, with MY things. With what I want at THAT time. Its always at Sean's. Ya know. Now of course I have shower stuff and something to sleep in there, but its not the same. I can't BL and he gets pissed if I do because I'm not spending time with him...hypocrite, I watch him play PS3...whatever. So I feel like I lose out on my BL friends. Hell sometimes I'll come home, open the door and there is Noel and I'm like, "Shit, I forgot I had a cat." Poor guy, I never get to be here to give him attention. Not that my dad doesn't spoil the shit out of him anyway.

BL- Well I feel like I'm a better influence here. I'm happier and healthier. But I feel like I almost need BL less as well. Is that a bad thing? I know I should be giving back to TDS, but some days I just don't feel like reading through someone else's problems. I know horrible coming from a person who wants to do therapy but I just don't have the attention span and most of the time its the desperate ramblings I used to do. Jeez, how did anyone but up with that...wait they didn't always.
I made my enemies here. But doesn't mean I have to listen or even see a word they say so whatever.

I'm totally over the Redlight thing FYI. I guess at first I was SO SHOCKED that someone would sink that low to do something like that, so I just went nuts. Now, I feel kinda bad for them.
I mean they have to spend time doing that, focusing on one single bad trait of a person, making fun of it, all the effort and shit. Its well...middle school shit. Pathetic. I mean, shit, go do MORE drugs and be more fucked up than sink to do that shit is my opinion. sad. *shug*

But I see good coming from that too. I learned to let things go, I learned that no everyone can be trusted....good or bad, I learned that there are things that you can't change, you don't have to react to everything someone says....that is really hard for me, so I just learned to use my ignore list. Once in awhile I wish I could read what they said, but you know what....its better off that I not read it anyway, just to be safe. Tender hearted I suppose.

Is it just me, or for being 100% sober, I kinda have a glass half full outlook?? I LEARN from things. WTF? I've never been that way. (Although I'm certainly not happy about the Tramadol situation)I just feel like I seem more positive about things. Is this how "Normal, healthy" people feel? Wow. Hmm.

Looking back, depression is hell. really. The things you need to do to dig yourself out, you can't. Until I decided that I was the only one that could do anything to make myself better so I needed to TRY. New meds = new me. And really I like the new me. I actually looked in the mirror the other day and thought I looked kinda pretty! WTF? Yeah at a distance but still.

On the new med fyi, I've gone from 97 pds to 108 pds already. I'm well on my way to being a healthy weight for my height and build of 120 pds.
Everyone thinks it will look great. Me, I'm not so sure. eating disorder thinking coming back up, but I'm trying. Also trying to get used to this wanting to eat all the time shit. Jeez. Chewing gum for dry mouth from Tram has turned into doing it so I'm not eating all the god damn time until I'm sick. I'm keeping up with the bf sometimes!
The step after target weight is yoga......but I'm making NO promises. I might have to make Sean do something with me or something.
His thing he is working on is the OWI shit and that is going well like shit like I said, Which sucks.

Trying to think if there is anything I'm forgetting. Like I said its been forever since I've blogged. Hopefully I'll get SOME GOOD COMMENTS?? LOL
The weather is finally turning nice here, I like spring the best. mid 60 F some days. Good stuff.
Ya know, for being without Tram right now and having shit to do and just doing this after working my ass off, I'm pretty happy.

I have a good job, which I'm good at and work with people that I like and respect and vice versa. I'm going to school, which isn't killing with stress, so that I can further my education. I'm in a healthy and very happy relationship with a man I love and he deeply cares for me. I'm not dealing with any MAJOR physical problems....infections like crazy at the moment WHICH SUCK!! But I'm not in pain or anything. I'm not dealing with any mental problems!!! Which is WONDERFUL! Other than being sober. haha
You know what, sometimes, when life gives you a little sunshine, its ok to lay out and enjoy it a bit.

I can't believe I finally getting around to a blog. Its not that I haven't had anything blog worthy or haven't thought about it, just been busy or something.

Lets see, lets start with Sean. Things are good. We have had a FEW rough times but we have really settled in and spend a lot of happy time together. For once in my life I was like wow, this is what a healthy relationship is like.

There was one run in with the ex, which he had to go off about loving his new gf of 1 month and hurt me. Sean said he was tired of him hurting me, that is all he has ever done and will do and he had to go. And believe it or not, the day that I thought that I couldn't let it go, that I couldn't make it through...I got over him. I don't really think of him very much at all. Other than hoping karma comes around and bites him in the ass REALLY hard.

Sean has been having a rough time. He is very frustrated with his OWI stuff. They are giving him the run around and it depresses him, which makes me unhappy so we are both unhappy and it sucks. But we recover.

Lately he scared the crap out of me. He put his car in the ditch pretty bad. He shouldn't have even been driving but not like he does what he is SUPPOSED to. He could have really been hurt. We had to wonder if the wrecker would even be able to get it out and a few feet over and it might have rolled. He had been drinking but he said that wasn't it...doubt he would say if it was. He said he was texting. He called me at 3am, said he was in the ditch and I was there in 20 min. He got in my car and he was crying which shocked me.
1. I think he was scared but 2. I think he realized that I would always be there for him no matter what it was.

Later he sent some e-mails when I took him home, told someone that "I might be the one" and sent me one that he "thinks he might love me". In his own time I guess. I mean the car thing was scary and the steering is all fucked up, body is pretty ok other than the bumper... but I think it might have been good for our relationship.

Later, he tricked me. He told me that we had to drive to pick up a dog for his brother. Well we ended up at his friend's house who is a licenced massage therapist and Sean paid for a 45 min massage for me out of the blue! I was so shocked! He said something about I inspire him to do things like that because I'm always thinking about him...picking him up drunk, getting his car, making him brownies, picking up after him, bringing him food...whatever. IDK I don't really think about it. Its just the way I am. I just laughed and told him I guess he just picked a good one.

I did get to spend some time talking to his parents the other day. I was high on Tramadol though so I might have talked too much. But at the end of it they said that basically they see me make Sean happy. They see the smile come across his face when he knows that my car just pulled in. They know I make him happy, they know I care about him, so basically that makes me family. Which is great to be accepted like that after only a lil over 3 months together. Although due to driving and distance issues I do stay there 2 or 3 days at a time. But they don't mind they say, which is good. Honestly, I think that we are better off together, supporting and helping each other than we are apart. But I've said that before.

I'm pretty smitten with him really. When we met just seems like so long ago for the both of us and I couldn't have asked for a better ending! We both just want to make each other happy and we do. Imagine that. Honestly, if he got out of his parents, and he had asked me to move in, I would. I mean thats how strongly I feel about it. But perhaps its a good thing with the situation the way it is so that we can't move too fast. He will be moving out to the farm where his brother lives (which he doesn't really LIVE there at the moment, he basically lives at HIS gf's lol) but we will have to see how that goes. Sean is very careful with his words. That he even hinted at the L-word is pretty huge, but I'm just dying to hear it.

Work- Well I finally got the Health and Beauty Care Department all cleaned up and organized so that I can finally actually "work". It should make things easier for me in the long run, although its a total pain in the ass. Thank god for Tramadol because it made me happy at work or god forbid the monster they might have seen me turn into.

Disaster, if I'm not running it. Now I can start running inventory numbers and clear the 7 pages of that shit up and then its just business as usual. Stock, organize and clean. I'm sure our numbers in sales will go up after that. I don't know why I work so hard. I guess I see it as MY department and MY responsibility, so I treat it as such, but I'm not the manager of the department. There isn't one. BUT I SHOULD BE. When talking to a higher up friend, he said that they just don't have the money to do something like that right now. Well I better be first on their list because I'm busting my butt. But Idk never really been a slacker when it came to working there...

School- Well I never want to go. I don't see the point. Class I- She wants us to read the chapter, then watch a group present on the chapter (WHAT the HELL is point if I read it?! Which I didn't anyway because its stupid!) and then gives us freaking busy work. Are you kidding me. Today or tomorrow I have to write some bullshit paper about, "My experience with conflict". Jesus. Half the time I'm not even showing up or turning shit in, what is the point? Perhaps its just all too easy and I'm bored.

Or so I think until class II last night. Shit. I didn't study enough for that test on indexes and scales and nominal and ordinal and ratio and Thurston scale and blah blah blah terms shit. Methods of social research. I bet I got a freaking B on that exam! If not a C! Are you kidding me?! I get straight As on his exams.
Now of course I never read the text, no one really does. He says everything that he wants us to know will be in the lecture. Well, shit, that means that I ACTUALLY have to GO to THAT class. Now we are getting into the statistics and shit. Are you kidding me? Mean, mode, median? Can we say...math learning disability? I can't even multiply. I'm freakin out a bit. Oh well. Whats an a over a B anyway in the LONG run. School is really LAST on my list.

Lets see...
My list:
Sean
Drugs
Work
School
Home

What haven't I covered? Oh the drugs. I'm out. Again. FUCK. How the hell did I go through a month's supply scripted Fioricet AND Tramadol in a few weeks?? Perhaps in the 800mg Tramadol tolerance? Jesus. I love that stuff though. I don't even care if I don't get the eyes rolling back in my head euphoria that I used to, it makes me happy. I want to be on it ALL the time. I'm happy, I'm talkative, I'm productive. Why the fuck not? I'm awake too. Never tired. This is where I envy the meth users, not wanna sleep, eh just take more. Can't totally do that with mass amount of Tram.

SO now what? I thought about stealing something, but shit I don't even know anyone that has painkillers so I'm even fucked there.
So that leaves about Poppy Pod Tea.
But I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. Last time I tried that shit I ended up with a batch that did NOTHING. Seriously gave it 3 tries of that shit and nothing!!
Plus the high is different. No stim. effect and I'm not sure I'm going to like that. And of course NO adderal or shit around here because I can't GET ANYTHING!! God I hate this place.

I just don't want to have to be hemmoraging money. Plus there is the fact that I have to hide the prep and high no matter where I am because of living with the parents and shit. It just sucks.
I'm just not even sure what to do at this point really. I've ranted on other threads so enough ranting. Any advice on this matter would be great.

Oh I forgot to mention, Easter with Sean was horrible. He was a TOTAL asshole. I knew that he didn't like spending time sitting at the table eating, so I tried to make him more comfortable and he said I baby him and got all pissed. He kept texting me if we could leave my grandma's, when I want every second I can have with her, shes recovering from cancer and she is the greatest woman alive! Jeez. Even told me that the white thing over my dress was about the only thing that made it work but at least it was better than the green one which made me look like a lime. I never have heard such things!

I really just reverted back to what I did with Michael. Sit down, shut up, do what your told, do what makes them happy no matter what. I realized how miserable and horrible that is. I think he eventually saw that. He said he was really sorry, and he should have been. But like I said we always get over it.

But it was an eye opener as well. I mean this is what I used to put up with?! I felt like I wasn't a person, I didn't have feelings or rights...and with Michael I guess I really didn't. What kind of life is that? What the hell was I thinking ya know? Hopefully Sean and I will never have to do that again. He saw it from my view more and I think that really helped him....
I was just reminded of that Easter thing as I was chatting here online... ok where was I...

GO TO PART II

i am fairly amazed with how much food one can get if they pay attention to prices instead of buying stuff randomly. and because i was planning out meals for the week, i actually have fresh fruit and veggies and food to eat for lunch. so i stuck to my budget, and will be eating far healthier than normal

Today mediocre at best. Rained and consequently the atmosphere outside battleship gray and thus myself was feeling battleship gray. Plus side is that cutting cycle is over. Out of shape a few months ago and have been on strict regime of supplements and vitamins. BMI is now at 10%. According to statistics, under weight but now have perfect foundation for bulking cycle and one more cutting cycle. Add in fact I stopped with the heavy drinking and partying , and over active metabolism, will be looking and feeling very healthy come summer.

Just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of house so I grabbed cigarettes, music, and fired up Conjure One. Also fired up shot of morphine. Needed something for emotional pain. Was raining and I got soaked but did not matter. Did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately been feeling weird. High and low. Days where I get this euphoria, feeling of divinity, as if I am drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to spend it in bed, encased in armor of black and golden thread to keep self safe from harm. Gets rather confusing sometimes and causes great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, can swing back from it in a snap now. When with girlfreind for instance, veil of depression runs off my shoulders instant I see her, or when I start laughing with freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness. Sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to self and I feel better. Although when it comes to girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into aether, something still in awe over. Have also been reading book girlfreind gave me. Taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things. Also taught me to drown out machinery in my head without the aid of chemical. Meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with also helping. Sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Unfortunately every rose has thorn and my petals wither time to time.


Tomorrow shall be good day. Will be chilling with the love of my life, one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. Excited. Saw her yesterday but I miss her already.

Yesterday got charged with DWI. Going to court Wednesday. Getting a good Jew lawyer. Hoping thing work out. Don't need this shit.

Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.

Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.

Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...

Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?

Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.

Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...

gaaaah
i fucking swear im going to explode
i dont get it
i just dont fucking get it
how can he
what about
what the hell
bullshit bullshit
you make no fucking sense!

you give a little you get a fucking little, you smile and get a smile fucking back, you fucking open the door and you get a thank fucking you.


anger it surges
IT SURGES