Blogs

Damn, I can't post a SINGLE blog for the freaking life of me can I?! Only 4? Come now!


My grandma and my mom. I look like them don't I?


Me and my parents. They take care of me. I like this picture of us.


Mom and Stepdad. They is good people.

Damn it! I forgot I was gonna post the pictures from Easter.


Me and my Sean




My brother (being a moody 18 year old and not wanting to do pictures), my grandma (who you could never tell is in remission and thats a wig huh?) and me


Me laughing because I tried to kiss my brother on the cheek to get him to smile and he ran away.

I hate when it tells me my blog is too long.

Tramadol and Poppy Pod Tea. Idk WHAT the FUCK is up with my PO box. They keep not sending shit there. I keep looking and it never comes. I don't know what I CAN do about it. I mean I've talked to the post master and all they tell me is they don't have it. I've lost meds $100s in meds that way. I don't know if its the company but now I'm having issues with getting other stuff sent there. What the fuck is up with them?! Any advice on that one?

Home- Well I'm pretty much almost never home. Sean can't drive so I drive and spent most of the week there. Come home. Wash clothes, repack, Internet, tv, go back to Sean's. I hate being here a lot of the time. My family just avoids each other anyway. But recently I've felt kinda sad I never get to be i MY safe place....MY room, with MY things. With what I want at THAT time. Its always at Sean's. Ya know. Now of course I have shower stuff and something to sleep in there, but its not the same. I can't BL and he gets pissed if I do because I'm not spending time with him...hypocrite, I watch him play PS3...whatever. So I feel like I lose out on my BL friends. Hell sometimes I'll come home, open the door and there is Noel and I'm like, "Shit, I forgot I had a cat." Poor guy, I never get to be here to give him attention. Not that my dad doesn't spoil the shit out of him anyway.

BL- Well I feel like I'm a better influence here. I'm happier and healthier. But I feel like I almost need BL less as well. Is that a bad thing? I know I should be giving back to TDS, but some days I just don't feel like reading through someone else's problems. I know horrible coming from a person who wants to do therapy but I just don't have the attention span and most of the time its the desperate ramblings I used to do. Jeez, how did anyone but up with that...wait they didn't always.
I made my enemies here. But doesn't mean I have to listen or even see a word they say so whatever.

I'm totally over the Redlight thing FYI. I guess at first I was SO SHOCKED that someone would sink that low to do something like that, so I just went nuts. Now, I feel kinda bad for them.
I mean they have to spend time doing that, focusing on one single bad trait of a person, making fun of it, all the effort and shit. Its well...middle school shit. Pathetic. I mean, shit, go do MORE drugs and be more fucked up than sink to do that shit is my opinion. sad. *shug*

But I see good coming from that too. I learned to let things go, I learned that no everyone can be trusted....good or bad, I learned that there are things that you can't change, you don't have to react to everything someone says....that is really hard for me, so I just learned to use my ignore list. Once in awhile I wish I could read what they said, but you know what....its better off that I not read it anyway, just to be safe. Tender hearted I suppose.

Is it just me, or for being 100% sober, I kinda have a glass half full outlook?? I LEARN from things. WTF? I've never been that way. (Although I'm certainly not happy about the Tramadol situation)I just feel like I seem more positive about things. Is this how "Normal, healthy" people feel? Wow. Hmm.

Looking back, depression is hell. really. The things you need to do to dig yourself out, you can't. Until I decided that I was the only one that could do anything to make myself better so I needed to TRY. New meds = new me. And really I like the new me. I actually looked in the mirror the other day and thought I looked kinda pretty! WTF? Yeah at a distance but still.

On the new med fyi, I've gone from 97 pds to 108 pds already. I'm well on my way to being a healthy weight for my height and build of 120 pds.
Everyone thinks it will look great. Me, I'm not so sure. eating disorder thinking coming back up, but I'm trying. Also trying to get used to this wanting to eat all the time shit. Jeez. Chewing gum for dry mouth from Tram has turned into doing it so I'm not eating all the god damn time until I'm sick. I'm keeping up with the bf sometimes!
The step after target weight is yoga......but I'm making NO promises. I might have to make Sean do something with me or something.
His thing he is working on is the OWI shit and that is going well like shit like I said, Which sucks.

Trying to think if there is anything I'm forgetting. Like I said its been forever since I've blogged. Hopefully I'll get SOME GOOD COMMENTS?? LOL
The weather is finally turning nice here, I like spring the best. mid 60 F some days. Good stuff.
Ya know, for being without Tram right now and having shit to do and just doing this after working my ass off, I'm pretty happy.

I have a good job, which I'm good at and work with people that I like and respect and vice versa. I'm going to school, which isn't killing with stress, so that I can further my education. I'm in a healthy and very happy relationship with a man I love and he deeply cares for me. I'm not dealing with any MAJOR physical problems....infections like crazy at the moment WHICH SUCK!! But I'm not in pain or anything. I'm not dealing with any mental problems!!! Which is WONDERFUL! Other than being sober. haha
You know what, sometimes, when life gives you a little sunshine, its ok to lay out and enjoy it a bit.

I can't believe I finally getting around to a blog. Its not that I haven't had anything blog worthy or haven't thought about it, just been busy or something.

Lets see, lets start with Sean. Things are good. We have had a FEW rough times but we have really settled in and spend a lot of happy time together. For once in my life I was like wow, this is what a healthy relationship is like.

There was one run in with the ex, which he had to go off about loving his new gf of 1 month and hurt me. Sean said he was tired of him hurting me, that is all he has ever done and will do and he had to go. And believe it or not, the day that I thought that I couldn't let it go, that I couldn't make it through...I got over him. I don't really think of him very much at all. Other than hoping karma comes around and bites him in the ass REALLY hard.

Sean has been having a rough time. He is very frustrated with his OWI stuff. They are giving him the run around and it depresses him, which makes me unhappy so we are both unhappy and it sucks. But we recover.

Lately he scared the crap out of me. He put his car in the ditch pretty bad. He shouldn't have even been driving but not like he does what he is SUPPOSED to. He could have really been hurt. We had to wonder if the wrecker would even be able to get it out and a few feet over and it might have rolled. He had been drinking but he said that wasn't it...doubt he would say if it was. He said he was texting. He called me at 3am, said he was in the ditch and I was there in 20 min. He got in my car and he was crying which shocked me.
1. I think he was scared but 2. I think he realized that I would always be there for him no matter what it was.

Later he sent some e-mails when I took him home, told someone that "I might be the one" and sent me one that he "thinks he might love me". In his own time I guess. I mean the car thing was scary and the steering is all fucked up, body is pretty ok other than the bumper... but I think it might have been good for our relationship.

Later, he tricked me. He told me that we had to drive to pick up a dog for his brother. Well we ended up at his friend's house who is a licenced massage therapist and Sean paid for a 45 min massage for me out of the blue! I was so shocked! He said something about I inspire him to do things like that because I'm always thinking about him...picking him up drunk, getting his car, making him brownies, picking up after him, bringing him food...whatever. IDK I don't really think about it. Its just the way I am. I just laughed and told him I guess he just picked a good one.

I did get to spend some time talking to his parents the other day. I was high on Tramadol though so I might have talked too much. But at the end of it they said that basically they see me make Sean happy. They see the smile come across his face when he knows that my car just pulled in. They know I make him happy, they know I care about him, so basically that makes me family. Which is great to be accepted like that after only a lil over 3 months together. Although due to driving and distance issues I do stay there 2 or 3 days at a time. But they don't mind they say, which is good. Honestly, I think that we are better off together, supporting and helping each other than we are apart. But I've said that before.

I'm pretty smitten with him really. When we met just seems like so long ago for the both of us and I couldn't have asked for a better ending! We both just want to make each other happy and we do. Imagine that. Honestly, if he got out of his parents, and he had asked me to move in, I would. I mean thats how strongly I feel about it. But perhaps its a good thing with the situation the way it is so that we can't move too fast. He will be moving out to the farm where his brother lives (which he doesn't really LIVE there at the moment, he basically lives at HIS gf's lol) but we will have to see how that goes. Sean is very careful with his words. That he even hinted at the L-word is pretty huge, but I'm just dying to hear it.

Work- Well I finally got the Health and Beauty Care Department all cleaned up and organized so that I can finally actually "work". It should make things easier for me in the long run, although its a total pain in the ass. Thank god for Tramadol because it made me happy at work or god forbid the monster they might have seen me turn into.

Disaster, if I'm not running it. Now I can start running inventory numbers and clear the 7 pages of that shit up and then its just business as usual. Stock, organize and clean. I'm sure our numbers in sales will go up after that. I don't know why I work so hard. I guess I see it as MY department and MY responsibility, so I treat it as such, but I'm not the manager of the department. There isn't one. BUT I SHOULD BE. When talking to a higher up friend, he said that they just don't have the money to do something like that right now. Well I better be first on their list because I'm busting my butt. But Idk never really been a slacker when it came to working there...

School- Well I never want to go. I don't see the point. Class I- She wants us to read the chapter, then watch a group present on the chapter (WHAT the HELL is point if I read it?! Which I didn't anyway because its stupid!) and then gives us freaking busy work. Are you kidding me. Today or tomorrow I have to write some bullshit paper about, "My experience with conflict". Jesus. Half the time I'm not even showing up or turning shit in, what is the point? Perhaps its just all too easy and I'm bored.

Or so I think until class II last night. Shit. I didn't study enough for that test on indexes and scales and nominal and ordinal and ratio and Thurston scale and blah blah blah terms shit. Methods of social research. I bet I got a freaking B on that exam! If not a C! Are you kidding me?! I get straight As on his exams.
Now of course I never read the text, no one really does. He says everything that he wants us to know will be in the lecture. Well, shit, that means that I ACTUALLY have to GO to THAT class. Now we are getting into the statistics and shit. Are you kidding me? Mean, mode, median? Can we say...math learning disability? I can't even multiply. I'm freakin out a bit. Oh well. Whats an a over a B anyway in the LONG run. School is really LAST on my list.

Lets see...
My list:
Sean
Drugs
Work
School
Home

What haven't I covered? Oh the drugs. I'm out. Again. FUCK. How the hell did I go through a month's supply scripted Fioricet AND Tramadol in a few weeks?? Perhaps in the 800mg Tramadol tolerance? Jesus. I love that stuff though. I don't even care if I don't get the eyes rolling back in my head euphoria that I used to, it makes me happy. I want to be on it ALL the time. I'm happy, I'm talkative, I'm productive. Why the fuck not? I'm awake too. Never tired. This is where I envy the meth users, not wanna sleep, eh just take more. Can't totally do that with mass amount of Tram.

SO now what? I thought about stealing something, but shit I don't even know anyone that has painkillers so I'm even fucked there.
So that leaves about Poppy Pod Tea.
But I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. Last time I tried that shit I ended up with a batch that did NOTHING. Seriously gave it 3 tries of that shit and nothing!!
Plus the high is different. No stim. effect and I'm not sure I'm going to like that. And of course NO adderal or shit around here because I can't GET ANYTHING!! God I hate this place.

I just don't want to have to be hemmoraging money. Plus there is the fact that I have to hide the prep and high no matter where I am because of living with the parents and shit. It just sucks.
I'm just not even sure what to do at this point really. I've ranted on other threads so enough ranting. Any advice on this matter would be great.

Oh I forgot to mention, Easter with Sean was horrible. He was a TOTAL asshole. I knew that he didn't like spending time sitting at the table eating, so I tried to make him more comfortable and he said I baby him and got all pissed. He kept texting me if we could leave my grandma's, when I want every second I can have with her, shes recovering from cancer and she is the greatest woman alive! Jeez. Even told me that the white thing over my dress was about the only thing that made it work but at least it was better than the green one which made me look like a lime. I never have heard such things!

I really just reverted back to what I did with Michael. Sit down, shut up, do what your told, do what makes them happy no matter what. I realized how miserable and horrible that is. I think he eventually saw that. He said he was really sorry, and he should have been. But like I said we always get over it.

But it was an eye opener as well. I mean this is what I used to put up with?! I felt like I wasn't a person, I didn't have feelings or rights...and with Michael I guess I really didn't. What kind of life is that? What the hell was I thinking ya know? Hopefully Sean and I will never have to do that again. He saw it from my view more and I think that really helped him....
I was just reminded of that Easter thing as I was chatting here online... ok where was I...

GO TO PART II

i am fairly amazed with how much food one can get if they pay attention to prices instead of buying stuff randomly. and because i was planning out meals for the week, i actually have fresh fruit and veggies and food to eat for lunch. so i stuck to my budget, and will be eating far healthier than normal

Today mediocre at best. Rained and consequently the atmosphere outside battleship gray and thus myself was feeling battleship gray. Plus side is that cutting cycle is over. Out of shape a few months ago and have been on strict regime of supplements and vitamins. BMI is now at 10%. According to statistics, under weight but now have perfect foundation for bulking cycle and one more cutting cycle. Add in fact I stopped with the heavy drinking and partying , and over active metabolism, will be looking and feeling very healthy come summer.

Just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of house so I grabbed cigarettes, music, and fired up Conjure One. Also fired up shot of morphine. Needed something for emotional pain. Was raining and I got soaked but did not matter. Did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately been feeling weird. High and low. Days where I get this euphoria, feeling of divinity, as if I am drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to spend it in bed, encased in armor of black and golden thread to keep self safe from harm. Gets rather confusing sometimes and causes great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, can swing back from it in a snap now. When with girlfreind for instance, veil of depression runs off my shoulders instant I see her, or when I start laughing with freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness. Sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to self and I feel better. Although when it comes to girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into aether, something still in awe over. Have also been reading book girlfreind gave me. Taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things. Also taught me to drown out machinery in my head without the aid of chemical. Meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with also helping. Sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Unfortunately every rose has thorn and my petals wither time to time.


Tomorrow shall be good day. Will be chilling with the love of my life, one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. Excited. Saw her yesterday but I miss her already.

Yesterday got charged with DWI. Going to court Wednesday. Getting a good Jew lawyer. Hoping thing work out. Don't need this shit.

Boring day today. Worked. Was called in because they needed me. Decided to go in despite not sleeping right and being exhausted. Thought about mundane existence all day.

Light in the darkness was at 11:30am. Good friend stopped by. Managed to get something before lunch that helped with my mood and the depression.

Right now not feeling to good. Really miss my girlfriend. Just want someone to hold me right now, rarely feel this way...

Tired of family attitude towards my depression. Don't they know that something is going wrong inside me?

Canceled doctors appointment for tomorrow. To much needs to be done at job.

Hoping for miracle... And ordinary moment...

gaaaah
i fucking swear im going to explode
i dont get it
i just dont fucking get it
how can he
what about
what the hell
bullshit bullshit
you make no fucking sense!

you give a little you get a fucking little, you smile and get a smile fucking back, you fucking open the door and you get a thank fucking you.


anger it surges
IT SURGES

Today was good day. Slept nice last night after seeing girlfreind and had a good day at work. Afterwards I went home and walked into town just smoking and taking in the sights. Called up a friend and spiked up. Then headed over to Hannaford and walked with my girlfreind through town after she got off work.

Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.

Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.

Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.

Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.

Today was mediocre at best. It rained and consequently the atmosphere outside was battleship gray and thus I myself was feeling battleship gray. The plus side is that my cutting cycle is over. I was out of shape a few months ago and have been on a strict regime of supplements and vitamins. My BMI (body mass index/body fat percentage) is now at 10%. According to statistics, that's under weight but now I have a perfect foundation for a bulking cycle and finally one more cutting cycle. Add in the fact I stopped with the drinking and partying a lot, and my over active metabolism, I will be looking and feeling very healthy come this summer. But enough of this. I feel like talking of other things.


I just got back from a walk. Needed to get out of my house so I grabbed my cigarettes, my music, and fired up some Conjure One. It was raining and I got soaked but it really did not matter. I did not mind. In a way it was almost pleasant, as if I was cleansing myself, which felt needed because lately I have been feeling weird. When I say weird I mean high and low. There are days where I get this euphoria, this feeling of divinity, as if I am on a drug of sorts and then there are days where I want to just spend it in bed, encased in an armor of black and golden thread to keep myself safe from harm. It gets rather confusing sometimes and causes me a great deal of stress. Whats amazing though is despite how bad I feel, I can swing back from it in a snap now. When I am with my girlfreind for instance, that veil of depression just runs off my shoulders the instant I see her, or when I start laughing with my freinds it slowly lifts away and dissipates into nothingness, or sometimes I just start laughing for no reason to myself and I feel better. Although when it comes to my girlfreind, its mutual as far as making each other feel good and bringing each others heads and hearts back into the aether, something I'm still in awe over. I have also been reading this book my girlfreind gave me and its taught me to cherish and savor the moment instead of dwelling on things and its also taught me to drown out the machinery in my head without the aid of a chemical. The meditation and acupuncture I have been dabbling with more often is also helping. I sat back today and thought about how far I have come and I have blossomed like a flower emotionally, intellectually, and physically. The only thing holding me back in this stupid insomnia which I hope to get rid of this week after I visit my doctor tomorrow. If I was able to sleep good things would be amazing.

Later I am going to write about what I was thinking today... How the world and people in it are like beautiful ink blots. Like those Rorschach pictures, but ever changing and morphing.

Tomorrow shall be a good day. I will be chilling with the love of my life, the one and only Little Miss after she gets off of work. I am excited. Even though I saw her yesterday I miss her lol.

Wow... I just got a text from her. All I will say is that she is cute, funny, and one hell of a smart ass... I love her. But to hell with her coffee!

This is my first blog entry, I think its a very worthy one.

One of my friends from high school just got engaged. She is the first of my friends to do so. I get to be a bridesmaid! Yay!! I'm so excited for her :D

i've decided to take the challenge of eating for the next week on only $7 a day: http://www.uwkc.org/newsevents/events/haw/hungerchallenge.asp.

i am sure some people on here won't see this as a challenge, but for me it is. i am an insanely picky eater and very brand loyal. even tho this is only for a week, i am going to have to rethink how i eat. its also going to eliminate going out to eat when i am lazy.

i am hoping to come away from this with some appreciation of what people go thru. and maybe get away from some of my picky habits. and have some spare monies that i can put to good use.

I've cried a headache in the middle of my forehead. I've cry my nose blocked and my throat sore too. It takes me a while sometimes to process these emotions, a good cry has been a long time coming. Its just so many things right now, x marks the spot but the the map is filled to each corner with x's.

The last year has been one of a lot of personal growth, and i suspect there is more to come. With growth comes realisation, and sometimes I just need to let the hurt run.

More than this I realise the few things that must seem so trivial to the outside, things that must be part of me, things I cannot help but determine my self worth by.

I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it, and its eating me up from the inside. I still have so much more to give. I just hope it's not too late.

the dialectal relationship between a relationship and a thing reconciles all being into a pluralist monism.

it all links together. by why my self other than all other consecutive linkages in the chain.

and then view of self/actual self (object of view) and god's eye view/the objective that we lack the vantage point to capture in reasoning.

this system must be infinite.

what religion is this''''';

what if degree of abstraction is a dimension like any other dimension, but extending out qualitatively too?

And this is the empirical-theoretical dialectic.

level of abstraction is level of theoteticalness

when members of different levels of the abstraction dimension meet they mutually constitute yet oppose.

and then through time (when we add it), the opposition points to recociliation by moveing out in abstraction space.

THAT is the dialectic.

Today was good day. Slept nice last night after seeing girlfreind and had a good day at work. Afterwards I went home and walked into town just smoking and taking in the sights. Called up a friend and spiked up. Then headed over to Hannaford and walked with my girlfreind through town after she got off work.

Spent the evening with her for a few hours. Walked from her job and stopped at the fields to watch the sky and listen to birds. Was really beautiful out. Ended up confessing my true love for her. Made her cry ears of joy. She feels same way I do. Told me I am her soul mate. Indeed. Had a nice conversation and just talked the time away together. Ended up kissing and embracing each other while sun set in the distance. Starting to cherish simple, blissful, extraordinary moments like the one I had with her tonight. Really lucky to be alive sometimes. Wish I felt like this all the time. Really lucky to have her in my life. I love her.

Thinking about getting promise ring for her come Anniversary in July. Only girl I love. Only girl that turns me on. Only girl that makes me feel alive. Want to be with her forever and a day. Never want to let her go.

Feel bad though. Wish I was normal, not an addict, not depressed, not having two personalities. Try my best to smile, sometimes my best not good enough. Want to be the best I can for her. Want to be able to give her the world.

Hoping I get better. Hoping for a miracle.

im waiting for people to come out of the wood work. i dont feel like my self.
there's too much happening that im not apart of and im closing in on what could be my best years.
i want to drive some where. some where distant with a purpose. maybe to nags head to see my fathers place, maybe some where to create a new memory. either way im in need of some liberation.
in need of that contagious laughter that billows through the mind and out the fingers then back again.
where are all the interesting people?
why do all the people in my close vicinity suck so hard?
am i one of these people?
do i suck?
god dammit....
if i do suck, why dont i think the people sucking around me are top notch?
am i the one doing the sucking?
do i bring in the suck-factor?
am i the suckee or the sucker?
is there even a difference?
fuck, im just going to get an island and live there half naked with my very own wilson, but i wont punt him out of a tiny hole in my cave...we'll be tighter than that. balls before brawls.

Hit up the figure drawing session today, and broke away from all pen for a couple drawings. I realized when I got home I shouldn't get so frustrated over any of the shorter (>10 minute) poses, and probably even the longer ones too. Its just not enough time to edit / measure / really match up the drawing to reality.

Of course, that's sort of the aim, but 5 minutes? Come on.

I had a couple really nice ones for the last two poses, I'll post pics in a few minutes. I tried to push the envelope live between observed / improvised, with some ok results. Still bouncing in between the two conceptual concerns.

Woke up early today from bad dream. Same sort of dream as usual. End up losing important people. Was in a jail of sorts, caged and kept away from girl I love. Jail keeper comes up to cell and sets me free. Tells me I will never be able to see her again, that she is gone forever. Not sure if died or disappeared. Would not have it that way. Rage, anxiety, and sadness floods over me. Set out to find pieces puzzle. Have them all in hands. End up constructing some sort of box, emblems and unknown language covers it. Someone tells me if I use it I have chance of dying. Do not care. Prepare to use it to go back to point in time when she was still alive. Puzzle begins playing tune similar to music box. Recognize song as Orbital's One Perfect Sunrise. Bright flash. Not afraid of dying. Then I wake up drenched in sweat with this feeling nobody should have to feel.

Had a cigarette and popped steroid pills, chased them down few large cups of egg whites. Managed to get some money together. Used again today. Needed it. Self medicate until doctors appointment this Saturday. Went to mall and ran into freind. Happy I did. Afterward headed to girlfriend's job. Was happy to see her and she was happy to see me. She is the light in the dark. Makes it all worth enduring. When I see her, end up forgetting problems for a few hours. Will be seeing her tomorrow, excited about that.

Work tomorrow. Pay day. Need to make some moves. Pieces are finally coming together.

Just another day, and one day is one day less to live...

And man, I love it. Here are the games I have so far:
New Super Mario Brothers
Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Final Fantasy III
Final Fantasy IV
Children of Mana

Right now I can't stop playing Zelda. You have to use your stylus for everything in the game basically, from movement to fighting. New Super Mario Brothers has been beaten, but there are some worlds that I skipped because it was my first time and I still don't know how to get to some of them. Final Fantasy IV is great. The other two I haven't started playing yet but this collection should keep me busy while I'm unemployed, not to mention all of these computer games.

I have wasted quite a few months playing games now, and while it's awesome it is simply not sustainable. I must begin making money soon, or get the grandparents to cut me another check for ten grand. Because right now I am a totally worthless bastard. I have a backup story for all the jobs I've been interviewing for lately, in the form of a business card (for a sales thing I really do actually did for a while), when they ask me wtf do I do during the day.