I have come back to hallucinogens. My life is on track and I think I learnt a lot from the experience.
Interestingly, since my previous bad experience I haven't had a bad trip. It's like I've been to the worst place imaginable so there is little fear anymore. Or I have delved into my subconsious and sorted out what fucked me up in the first place. Still have qualms about more than 300mics of acid tho. But 9gs of shrooms and I feel lucid and in control.
Of course I now have more respect. I never trip too often and tend to do a mental check to see if I'm in the right place before droping.
Let the good times role as they say!
I suppose that the moral of the story is to respect drugs and your mind, but ultimatly there is hope if something bad happens to you.
As I sit here, I feel incomplete... perhaps more accurately... I feel unfinished.
This isn't a bad thing. What's important is that I actually feel.
I can't describe it as 'uncomfortable'. If I were to put a finger on the closest way to explain is that I am curious.
I'm curious as to what life's challenges is molding me into. I know it won't be a bad thing because I'm making a conscious effort towards changing the way I am accustomed to reacting to events and situations.
Since I feel unfinished, I wonder when I will be at the point that I will be mostly complete.
Ya know what? I think what is most important in this foundation I'm trying to build is balance and stability.
This slow process is starting to pay off in HUGE ways.
I'm glad I didn't succumb to using in the beginning of this total abstinence thing I started. It was fucking difficult and I really didn't think I was going to make it.
More difficulties will present themselves but they won't compare to the hell of obsessing about getting high and knowing that I can't.
'Problems'? Nah, I'm gonna start calling them 'challenges'.
Contact info......:
AIM) GNARboots141
e-Mail) [email protected]
welll i think myspace n facebook r too personal n fucking gay neways so ill leave them out n end it here peace yall
I've been thinking a lot lately and usually that's not good but this time I've been focusing on what I should be doing to get myself out of this spot that I put myself in.
I've been wondering if I had stayed in the drug rehabilitation centers/mental health centers for the full amount of time maybe they would have helped me more.
If I went back now it would just be more full to add to my sister's fire for me to not get my daughter back, not to mention I don't want to be that confined and alone again. It hurt so much emotionally to be in those places.
It seems like the best thing to do would be to take myself out of the picture for a bit until I'm "better". That way I won't run the risk of hurting my friends or family.
I'm just not sure what to do.
And they places I went to before I can't go back to..
I remember when I was in my mid to late 20's. I didn't know shit about shit (but I thought I knew everything). I had in a kitchen drawer: a hammer, a screwdriver, a pair of scissors and somewhere (I'm certain) I had a knife.
I remember I needed to fix something in my house, desperately. It required a screwdriver. No problem, I had one in my kitchen. Well, the fuckin' handle was broken off.
I tried to adapt and use the scissors but they were cheap and inefficient.
The hammer wasn't appropriate. I preferred using the hammer for smashing things into pieces.
Well, somehow (eventually) I fixed whatever needed to be fixed and I have learned since to simply have more tools READILY available so that when I need to fix something, I'm covered.
Tonight I realized that I am the only tool in a friend's drawer. The problem is... ...tonight I'm broken.
She can't use her hammer because everything is already smashed.
She can't use her scissors because the two blades don't come together properly.
Austin is much better today, just a little flemy cough and he's active and eating like a pig.
Im doing great today. I slept great and I feel great.
I am FEELING awesome!
I think I'm getting:
for my birthday, which isn't until April 22nd but still, I can't wait :D
I am planning on getting this:
in may or june because Terry has one and it totally freaking 100x better than mine. It hold hundered of music and videos and has games and other cool features.
Or Maybe I might get:
but the Magic HTC seems to have better features, so I dunno.
I need to start getting my equipment for Photgraphy back, I miss taking photos, in good quality.
Might even go back to school for journalism or media studies or something. who knows.
I have to find something to keep my idle hands busy.
I've decided to give up smoking cigarettes. I just finished a pack of 30, and I'm gonna try to make that my last. Not really for health reasons - I'm just spending too much money on the damn things! I won't bother with nicotine replacements at this stage. I'm already regularly going through meth withdrawals, and I figure nicotine withdrawals can't be any worse than that.
"Ticket please, thanks, walk through the door
Into the Halls Of Illusions, visit yours
And see what coulda and shoulda and woulda been real
But you had to fuck up tha whole deal!
Lets take a walk down the hallway
It's a long way it, it takes all day...
And when you get to tha end, you'll find a chair
With straps and chains, we slap you in there
Lock you down tight so you can't move a thread
And pull your eyelids up over your head
Cuz you're about to witness an illusionary dream
It's just to bad it ain't what it seems
You walk in and see two kids on the floor
They playin' Nintendo and he's got tha high score
And sittin' behind them chillin' in a chair
Is your wife, when ya look, oh, you ain't there!
It's some other man and they're hand in hand
Now she looks so happy you don't understand
See this is an illusion, it never came true
All because of you!
Back to reality and what you're about
Your wife can't smile cuz ya knocked her teeth out
And she can't see straight from gettin' hit
Cuz you're a fat fuckin drunk piece of shit!
But it's all good here, come have a beer
I'll break the top off it and shove it in ya ear
And your death comes wicked painful and slow
At tha hands of Milenko!
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into
Look who's next it's Mr. Clark
The dirty old man from the trailer park
You got your ticket? Thanks take your coat off
And later on, why not, I'll rip your throat off!
Lets take a walk down the hallway
It's a long way it, it takes all day...
And when you get to the end you'll find a chair
You see all the blood, yeah your boy was just here
We get all different kind of people comin' through
Richies, chickens and bitches just like you
In the Halls everybody gets a turn
To sit and witness your illusion before you burn
What do we have here, oh yeah, no way
It looks like your kids and they're okay
Your daughter's chillin' up in college, top grade
And your son's a fuckin' doctor, phat paid
They got families and kids and it's all good
They even coach little league in the neighborhood
Is this true have ya really seen tha holy ghost?
Nah, bitch, not even close!
Back to reality your son's on crack
And your daughter's got nut stains on her back
And they both fuckin' smell like shit
And live in the gutter and sell crack to each other
When they were kids you'd beat 'em and leave 'em home
And even whip 'em with the cord on the telephone
And that reminds me man, hey ya gotta call!
Watch your step to Hell... it's a long fall!
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into
Ah, it's time to pack up and move to the next town
But we forgot Mr. Bigot, okay, dig it
We can't show you an illusion cuz we're all packed
But I'll still cut ya neck out, hows that?
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into
Great Milenko, wave your wand
Don't look now, your life is gone
This is all because of you
What you got yourself into"
Austin doesn't have flu, just bad cold. Pix under NSFW just to save page space
NSFW:
before
Austin being sick Poor baby. Fever finally broke, hopefully it stays gone. He ate 4 fish sticks and 2 cups of water an hour ago, so hopefully he can keep it down.
Siroquel gone, upped my Cipralex to 20mg though. My Clonazepam stays the same, though I am hoping to get him to up it within the next 3 months up to 2mg from 0.5mg cause really I have to take 2mg anyhow for it to do anything, I just forgot to mention it today. I was more concearned about Austin and finding out about my referral.
Austin has been progrssively been getting worse over 3 days, today being the worst so far. Though right now his fever is gone and I put vicks vapor rub on him and he's sweating it out of him. I put vasline on his chapped nose and lips, and gave him a teaspoon of Cherry Tylenol (which really should be 2Tsp but he's 2kg underweight).
Now I know people are going to say, some kids aren't supposed to measure up to the "standard" and grow at their own pace yadda yadda, but after struggling with his health for 2yrs, TWO YEARS of keeping him constantly hydrated and fed 6 times a day and just recently caught up to his goal weight ONLY now being almost 5yrs old, his Goal has moved up a little to 38-42Lbs. So Im getting fustrated here. I am going to be struggling with his health and weight for the remaineder of his childhood I have a feeling. He needs a total work up done at Sick Kids, and get his bowed legs looked at. This boy gets sick at the drop of a hat and he's beyond knocking knees for the bowed legged part. Ugh! I will update my journal more on this with lost of pictures too, dont want to overload my blog here.
So overall right now I am back to being in good spirits. I am no longer going through Withdrawls but I feel a little bugged eyed at times. haha.
Well A's been diagnosed offically with "The Flu", though I still think its a cold. Either way tamiflu is a good idea, as either way he'd be covered.
I'm probably going to get a reem out from the doctor, big mouth ratted me out for using his Clonazepam 8) eh well. Now I will def. get a piss test tomorrow.
If I only used Amotryptoline 3 times at 50mg each time, would they be able to differenciate it from clonazepam and siroquel or will it just be listed as Benzo on a piss/blood test?
I have to cold turkey my meds and it fucking sucks. Withdrawls suck ass.
Top it off with a 4yr old with chest congestion.
Fun times yay!
The smell of my sweat smells weird too, or It might just be me that thinks so.
Clonazepam = 3 days cold turkey
Cipralex = 2 days cold turkey
Siroquel = 2 days cold turkey
Self medicated (stupidly) 150Mg (over 2 days, not at once) of Amotryptoline (sp?).
So 2 days cold turkey that.
Now add in that I have a home alarm system with a key pad with numbers that are like 1/2" in height and width.
I can barely stand to look at myself right now. Eating out of a carton of ice cream. One of the few comforts I can find right now. I'm bored. There is almost nothing in this house that needs one. Well not that I would really care to do, nothing that he would notice done or that I am able to do. Guess I can't fuck shit up if I'm not doign anything.
So turn off the light and crawl into bed. I only woke up 4 hours ago. Pitch black now in here, night. What is there other than to sleep? Put more applications in for a job? I think I'll wait and see if this first one goes through. It has to.
Shit, I wonder if there will be a drug test! Great, all the stuff I can LEGALLY take is gone and all the other shit and plans I have that aren't legal, I have no idea if they will test for it or how long it will be in my system. Means research, and I'm already a daily pot smoker...at least.
And I KNOW they will test for that. I won't go on my soap box there... It helps keep me stable.
Would be easier to diet without weed for sure! Not that I am at the moment, but it one of the hardest ways for me to torture myself in the sick twisted way I do cause I hate myself. Have since I can remember (although strangely improving). Have something to replace the cutting. Had to stop that one.. Tony wouldn't even notice the not eating, hmm and I'd save money on food cause the weed binges. I've eaten enough for my usual week, tonight.
I guess I'll talk to him when he gets home. He usually has to hide drugs from me (apparently I have no willpower) But weed is always around anyway. Maybe if I don't go into his work and drink more I guess. Uh my body hates alcohol and I hate it and the money for alcohol...
As tony said last night "Don't fuck this up." An opportunity like this will not come around a 2nd time.
The question also is, can I be an adult? I suck at it. 20 hours a week, a relationship to maintain, desire for friends, a house to take care of, full time school.
Shit, I had half an extra week to get my homework done. Thank god for the snow storn canceling class so maybe I can get my act together...I won't.
So I guess I'm going to lay here in the dark and think about how much I suck until I fall asleep. Then when Tony comes home, be bored cause I doubt if he will want me helping on his workshop in the basement project cause I always seem to fuck it up. Then take some Ambien and Seroquel so I can sleep the same time he wants to go to bed, only to wake up and drive him to work and do it all over again...
Isn't it weird how some songs seem to totally match your mood at times? It's almost like you could have written the lyrics yourself. Suicide Hotline by Insane Clown Posse pretty much sums up my situation at the moment...
I haven't been on here in forever. My life has been turned completely upside down.
I was so sick with bipolar, I did so many horrible things. I left my husband, sold everything in our house, and left with another man.
I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I went to a psych ward, and then to a rehab in Texas. I actually miss the people at the rehab, I wish I could go back.
After rehab, I had to go live with a licensed drug counselor. That really sucked, but my mom wouldn't let me come home.
After a few months there, the counselor called my mom and told her if I didn't come home, I was going to die. I had tried to kill myself twice while I was there.
So, on Christmas, my mom brought me back home. Back to Ohio. She and I didn't get along at first, but we're doing better now.
I was served with divorce papers this week. I'm going to have to go to legal aid to get a lawyer. I don't want a divorce, but I have no choice. I hurt my husband too much for him to forgive me.
Then, today, I did something really stupid. My mom had told me that my husband posted new pictures of my kids (who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost 7 months now) on his Facebook. So I got a picture of one of my husband's friends, and created a fake facebook account and became friends with my husband.
I was looking at his page, and I discovered he had a girlfriend. I wanted to smash the computer. I've been crying for hours now. I wanted him to be as lonely and miserable as I am, and now I find out that he's fucking some bitch. I am beyond heartbroken. I can't stand this.
I don't think I've ever been as suicidal as I am right now. I want to kill him, then myself.
It's been a little while since I last wrote, and I have some fabulous news: I am seriously taking myself OFF JUNK. I had my first meeting at a holistic substance abuse center today. I'll be attending outpatient groups three nights a week and seeing a doctor who will prescribe me Suboxone. This is the first baby step of many, but it feels so unbelievably good to take! After months of being a slave to dope I am finally getting help. I really lucked out, as my insurance will pay for 60 visits and cover 100% of the costs. That gives me well over four months of free outpatient therapy, plenty of time to get my shit together.
I haven't done dope in two days, but to stave off withdrawal I took 20mg of methadone yesterday and another 20mg today. I don't want to be on methadone any longer than I have to; it all depends on when I can start Suboxone. I know I have to be in a state of moderate opiate withdrawal for Suboxone to work, so I have to work out the timing carefully. Any sort of opiate withdrawal must take place over a weekend, so I can avoid going into work as a sleepless, feverish, sneezing, shivering, shitting dope fiend.
Despite the downward spiral of the past four months, I feel very positive right now. If I can get through this, I'll be an immensely stronger, wiser person for it. I just hope my boyfriend can commit to this change with me, otherwise our relationship probably won't make it. This may very well be the bridge by which I transition to the rest of my adult life, but I think I'm ready. I just have to make sure I burn the bridge behind me.
There is so much on my mind and i'm having the hardest time putting it into words..
Maybe thats a hint that it's best left inside.
I can't sleep..curled up on the floor holding my knees for almost an hour in the dark and I just stayed up in my head. There was shit I really wanted to talk to someone about and I don't know if they forgot or if they just blew me off and no i'm picking it apart. Along with every flaw I can find with myself. Right now my blade looks so comforting..
Just for today broken down into just for the hour, just for five minutes.
*On hindsight i'm prolly just putting way too much thought into this
I try not to think about the current situation I'm in, I try to forget about the debit, the bills, the cravings, the family, and the shit hole that is “my life”. But of course it isn't that easy just to not think about shit. We always have reminders of how shitty life was, is, and if things don't change, will continue to be. Whether those reminders be scars from a nasty habit we picked up in the alley's downtown, the restaurant your family ate at when you were a kid, or even something as simple as the bills we get every month. Whatever it is, life sure as hell don't let us forget the places we have come from and where we stand in the present. But I don't need anymore reminders...life has made it's point pretty clear to me, I'm not cut out for it. I owe more money then I will ever have in my pocket (at least for many years to come), my heroin use has left me mentally and physically fucked up to the point where I can't even live a normal life anymore (hopefully as my journey with sobriety progresses this will change).
Maybe this new year will be different, who knows.
I just don't even know what to do, one of my situation's I got myself in right now is my camera in the pawn shop. I had to pawn it a little bit ago because I been :kicking up dirt" and am not proud of it, but now I have to go pay $350 to get it out or pay $100 to extend it another month and then pay the other $300 to get it out when I can afford it. In an effort to try and make a little bit more money for the sole reason of paying off my bills I applied for some temp work doing census shit for my state. Hopefully I get it so I can pay most of this shit off and then finally my life will start to progress, but till then my life is at a shitty stand still.
I just want to be out of this hole before the stress triggers a relapse.
It was a bad pattern for me for a long time that when ever I missed a meeting I ended up fucking up in one way or another. I sat staring at a bottle and a blade last night for..shit I don't know how long. I am proud to say that I did the right thing.
I could have made the effort, I could have walked or called people for a ride but I wanted a reason to not go lately I've been looking for a way out. I don't know if it's that I don't believe this can save me or if it's that i'm not worth saving.
I find it so hard to put my trust into people but on the other hand I so badly need someone I know will be there no matter what.
I feel like i'm alone in this..
impulse
1. sudden inclination to do something.
2. driving force
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
Not so much anymore. Typically, if the thought is born from anger, I 'act out' in my head what I would like to do. This usually snowballs into obsessive thoughts that become more and more unrealistic or fantastical. These thoughts (the ones inspired by anger) are very detailed and intelligent plans that involve manipulation in an attempt to gain control (power?) in situations that I have no control/power over.
Many times, these situations have the common theme of being unsure if I should follow through with them simply because, even though I have no real control, I can have an effect/impact on the actions (or players) that catalyzed the initial thought. A sort of vengeance, I suppose? A 'fuck with me, this is what happens' mentality? Definitely.
01/23/10 7:01 PM
As I think about this question I need to say that I have had thoughts of using lately. More than I usually do. I understand that this is normal and I handle them well. I've learned how to separate the thought from the action.
When these thoughts hit me, sometimes I have a physical reaction in the form of shaking my head (as if there was a bee on me) or making a grunting sound. When I think of everything involved in getting high (spending money when there is NEVER enough money, making the drive to the city, acquiring needles, getting coke [and of course heroin weed and alcohol to make the relapse complete and worthwhile], the drive home, the feelings of worthlessness and failure, the throwing away of all the hard work and things I've been through up to this point). Thinking of all of this actually makes me sick and it disgusts me.
I remember in the beginning, when the obsession was hardcore, I only thought of the ritual of preparing a shot, filling the needle with blood, pushing down the plunger and the immediate rush that followed. That's pretty much all I thought of. I didn't follow it all the way through (the comedown, the depression, the disappointment).
At this moment, I can't really think of other ways I behave compulsively but will add more at a later time/date when I can define accurately how I do behave compulsively.
I met with a health insurance broker. Signed everything for what's called an HMO 20 plan and it looks like my coverage will begin on October 1st. I read through the pamphlet and everything looked fine. I came home and hopped online to verify that there was mental health coverage. There is none.
All I really wanted to do was see a therapist but now thats going to be delayed 30+ days. I'll just have to toughen up and deal with shit. The only problem is that I don't deal with things in a healthy manner. I want to learn but, shit, I need MORE than what the 12 step programs offer.
I gotta tell ya, the US is a piece of shit country.
Aetna HMO 20
Details at a Glance
* Plan Type
* HMO
* Office Visit for Primary Doctor
* $20 Copay
* Office Visit for Specialist
* $35 Copay
* Coinsurance
* None
* Separate Prescription Drugs Deductible
* $250 Individual
$750 Family
* Prescription Drugs
* Generic: $15 Copay
*
* Brand: $25 Copay
*
* Non-Formulary: $35 Copay
* Health Savings Account (HSA) Eligible
* No
* Out-of-Network Coverage
* No
* Out of Country Coverage
* Yes. Paid as out-of-network benefits
* Periodic Health Exam
* $20 Copay
* Periodic OB-GYN Exam
* $30 Copay
* Well Baby Care
* $20 Copay, Age and frequency schedule apply
Prescription Drug Coverage
* Generic Prescription Drugs
* $15 Copay
* Brand Prescription Drugs
* $25 Copay
* Non-Formulary Prescription Drugs Coverage
* $35 Copay
* Mail Order for Prescription Drugs
* Generic: $15 Copay
*
* Brand: $25 Copay
*
* Non-Formulary: $35 Copay
*
* Days Supply: 30-60
* Separate Prescription Drugs Deductible
* $250 Individual
$750 Family
Hospital Services Coverage
* Emergency Room
* $150 Copay
* Outpatient Lab/X-Ray
* $30 Copay
* Outpatient Surgery
* $400 Copay
* Hospitalization
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission
Maternity Coverage
* Pre & Postnatal Office Visit
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission
* Labor & Delivery Hospital Stay
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission
Additional Coverage
* Chiropractic Coverage
* $30 per visit. Limitation: treatment over a 60 consecutive date period per incident of illness or injury beginning with the first day of treatment. Chiropractic care only covered through natural alternatives.
* Mental Health Coverage
* Not Covered
Additional Information
* A.M. Best Rating
* A as of 06/16/2008
* Electronic Signature for Application Available
* Yes
* Will insurance company obtain and pay for medical records?
* Yes
* Additional information about this health insurance plan is available in the documents below.
Plan Brochure
Exclusions and Limitations
the past few weeks have been a blur of ups, a blur of good times, of new friends, of new found self confidence, of everything good in life.
then in a blink of an eye, i'm right back to feeling the way i felt before.
am i destined to feel this way forever? to experience something good, to wish it could change my life, change my perception of my life, and then for it to come crashing down once again?
again i am leaving, this time for different reasons, and still in some ways the same - to escape. the past months have been about escape, escape from reality, from the bitter truth of whats happened.
when will i face whats become of my life, the person i have become and the new paths which i have chosen? When will i accept reality, instead of finding every single way to avoid it?
I will enter therapy soon i think. i dont know if i qualify at all. my problems seem so trivial compared to some of the things people i know have been through, i feel like i dont deserve the help, that this should be something a normal person can deal with by themselves.
I've been thinking of not even really logging onto Bluelight anymore. I used to get almost a high from being on Bluelight and the sense of community there was. Now I just feel like I don't belong. Is this what it is to become jaded?
I just feel not welcome, kind of forgotten, and vulnerable here now. It makes me sad, but I guess all good things do come to an end and change was inevitable. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time though.
I'm not leaving cause no one ever really does, but sometimes I think I just should.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Poor baby. Fever finally broke, hopefully it stays gone. He ate 4 fish sticks and 2 cups of water an hour ago, so hopefully he can keep it down.
Woke up this morning