I can barely stand to look at myself right now. Eating out of a carton of ice cream. One of the few comforts I can find right now. I'm bored. There is almost nothing in this house that needs one. Well not that I would really care to do, nothing that he would notice done or that I am able to do. Guess I can't fuck shit up if I'm not doign anything.
So turn off the light and crawl into bed. I only woke up 4 hours ago. Pitch black now in here, night. What is there other than to sleep? Put more applications in for a job? I think I'll wait and see if this first one goes through. It has to.
Shit, I wonder if there will be a drug test! Great, all the stuff I can LEGALLY take is gone and all the other shit and plans I have that aren't legal, I have no idea if they will test for it or how long it will be in my system. Means research, and I'm already a daily pot smoker...at least.
And I KNOW they will test for that. I won't go on my soap box there... It helps keep me stable.
Would be easier to diet without weed for sure! Not that I am at the moment, but it one of the hardest ways for me to torture myself in the sick twisted way I do cause I hate myself. Have since I can remember (although strangely improving). Have something to replace the cutting. Had to stop that one.. Tony wouldn't even notice the not eating, hmm and I'd save money on food cause the weed binges. I've eaten enough for my usual week, tonight.
I guess I'll talk to him when he gets home. He usually has to hide drugs from me (apparently I have no willpower) But weed is always around anyway. Maybe if I don't go into his work and drink more I guess. Uh my body hates alcohol and I hate it and the money for alcohol...
As tony said last night "Don't fuck this up." An opportunity like this will not come around a 2nd time.
The question also is, can I be an adult? I suck at it. 20 hours a week, a relationship to maintain, desire for friends, a house to take care of, full time school.
Shit, I had half an extra week to get my homework done. Thank god for the snow storn canceling class so maybe I can get my act together...I won't.
So I guess I'm going to lay here in the dark and think about how much I suck until I fall asleep. Then when Tony comes home, be bored cause I doubt if he will want me helping on his workshop in the basement project cause I always seem to fuck it up. Then take some Ambien and Seroquel so I can sleep the same time he wants to go to bed, only to wake up and drive him to work and do it all over again...
So turn off the light and crawl into bed. I only woke up 4 hours ago. Pitch black now in here, night. What is there other than to sleep? Put more applications in for a job? I think I'll wait and see if this first one goes through. It has to.
Shit, I wonder if there will be a drug test! Great, all the stuff I can LEGALLY take is gone and all the other shit and plans I have that aren't legal, I have no idea if they will test for it or how long it will be in my system. Means research, and I'm already a daily pot smoker...at least.
And I KNOW they will test for that. I won't go on my soap box there... It helps keep me stable.
Would be easier to diet without weed for sure! Not that I am at the moment, but it one of the hardest ways for me to torture myself in the sick twisted way I do cause I hate myself. Have since I can remember (although strangely improving). Have something to replace the cutting. Had to stop that one.. Tony wouldn't even notice the not eating, hmm and I'd save money on food cause the weed binges. I've eaten enough for my usual week, tonight.
I guess I'll talk to him when he gets home. He usually has to hide drugs from me (apparently I have no willpower) But weed is always around anyway. Maybe if I don't go into his work and drink more I guess. Uh my body hates alcohol and I hate it and the money for alcohol...
As tony said last night "Don't fuck this up." An opportunity like this will not come around a 2nd time.
The question also is, can I be an adult? I suck at it. 20 hours a week, a relationship to maintain, desire for friends, a house to take care of, full time school.
Shit, I had half an extra week to get my homework done. Thank god for the snow storn canceling class so maybe I can get my act together...I won't.
So I guess I'm going to lay here in the dark and think about how much I suck until I fall asleep. Then when Tony comes home, be bored cause I doubt if he will want me helping on his workshop in the basement project cause I always seem to fuck it up. Then take some Ambien and Seroquel so I can sleep the same time he wants to go to bed, only to wake up and drive him to work and do it all over again...