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this was a headline on the front page of the local paper a few years ago. it amused me

Sarah awoke to find Edward staring at her creepily from the foot of her bed.

“Uh, what? What the hell are you doing here?” she said, bewildered.

“I was just watching you sleep. Isn’t that dark and brooding and romantic?” Edward brooded darkly.

“No. That’s just creepy.” Sarah turned on her Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod with Mini-Tripod Keychain, which she always kept at her bedside. “Aren’t you that weird emo kid from the woods? Holy crap, are you sparkling?”

“Yeah, weird, that usually only happens in sunlight,” his brooding words darkly brooded across the room and into her ears.

“Well this thing’s got a brightness of 60 lumens, Sparkles.”

“Please don’t call me that. It’s gym class all over again. Anyway, I’m a vampire. And I love you,” he darkly brooded.

“Love me? You haven’t even said two words to me until you snuck into my room. That’s not love; that’s an unhealthy infatuation, and you’ve clearly demonstrated a complete disregard for my personal boundaries,” Sarah wisely noted.

“But that’s because you’re my brand of heroin,” Edward broodingly brooded in such a dark and brooding manner that it was so totally hot.

“So are you here to ask me out or something? Can I just reject you now and get this over with?” she asked.

“Actually,” Edward brooded, “I want to fall in love with you, then run away, thereby forcing you to string along a werewolf guy while you go nuts and detach from everyday life in your obsession with me so that I can return, proving to millions of teenage girls everywhere that if your boyfriend leaves you the only way to get him back is to go completely insane and isolate yourself from everything else.”

“I’m sorry,” Sarah responded after picking her jaw up off the floor, “is this seriously your best effort? I mean, this is the plot of some pulp comic riff on Romeo & Juliet, right? Who in their right mind would fall for this?”

“Well,” Edwards dark words brooded, “I was hoping you would.”

“You know my last name’s Van Helsing, right?”

“Who?”

“Nothing. Come in and meet my dad!”

Who doesn't know RIck James? Even today we can still hear his music in movies or even commercials such as "Superfreak" in the recent AT&T commercial. Nonetheless I like quite a few of his songs but, my all time favorite has to be Mary Jane, a great old school tune released in 78 on the album "Come Get IT!".

File information:

• Title: Mary Jane
• Artist: Rick James
• Album: The Ultimate Collection: Rick James
• Genre: R&B
• Year: 1978
• Bit rate: 128 Kbps
• File size: 5.01 MB

Additional info

• This file is iTunes ready meaning it has the album art, genre, year, disc number, track number, & even lyrics already embedded in the ID3 tag so there is no editing once you import the file into your mp3 application of choice. All the hard work is done for you, enjoy!
• If you like having organized ID3 tags and would like more songs like this one, you can keep up-to-date on files I upload by bookmarking my 4shared account by clicking the link provided (recommended):
  http://www.4shared.com/u/JmNDX6mS/Leroy_G.html
• You can also bookmark my blog and check the downloads category, however not necessarily will all the songs on my 4shared account be posted in there.
• If for some reason the download link is broken, the file is missing any ID3 info (lyrics, album art, etc), or anything is wrong, send me a message via bluelight with the problem, link to the post, and I will get it fixed.

Preview & download:

• http://www.4shared.com/audio/IEMznQlE/Rick_James_-_Mary_Jane.htm

If you got the time, check out these two people called Up & Over It, A friend of mine recently showed me this video and it blew my mind, talk about some a unique skill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iANRO3I30nM&feature=share

I've been considering my plea when I'm called into court over the drug charges I'm facing. When asked how I plea, I'm thinking of saying "no plea, as I don't consider what I've done to be crimes." Sure it probably won't help my defence one bit, but ya gotta stand up for your principles, right?

So I'm working on my BS in computer science and Im fucking swamped. I've been balls to the wall for like two weeks. School is def. a good thing. It keep's me away from using as much,lol. Can't be forgetting entire days after 3 bars ya know. Its funny how the world works. Today is the anniversary of MLKs death so its the end of a super drunk fest can gladly say i'm happy to start this week off

So Swim been on and off of bluelight and opiates and benzo's, for like 7 years. Today was the first time swim hadnt even touch anything besides those two and pot since he was 19 years old.
Background, and what happened
Swim live in what use to be the projects, even though they tore them down and built nice apartments its still not a good area... They lady next do who swim has know was an alcoholic from day one, approached swim and we started talking while smoking a cig. Know we have a nice friendly relationship and un denounced to SWIM she is a base head. I had my suspicions but never knew for sure till tonight.. SWIM notice a large guy sitting on the couch who he didn't know(obviously crack dealer) They passed swim the stem and what do SWIM do??? he light it up. Swim had already blown a 30mg opana like three hours before hand so He really don't know why he did it... SWIM absolutely hates crack cocaine even when he was blowing powder by the .25 OZ he never ever smoked crack except for two other occasions. One it was laced in a blunt that he didn't know about,found out real fast and the other time SWIM was on my way to my first inpatient treatment facility, figured really why the fuck not,lol...
So SWIM threw in and scored a tenner from buddy. Come to find out later this motherfucker had some of the best Number#3 smack HE HAS seen in this god forsaken town. It had to have some fent in it BC SWIM ISNT PLAYIN best shit he's seen in like a year and suprisingly clean. shot was heaven.
Anyway SWIM feels really guilty right know. HE knows what He did was wrong.. He guesses He must just learn from this and move forward, crack is whack. Is it Cliche or two face that SWIM rrecreationally and for chronic pain use opiates, smack, and benzo's yet just look at what swim just did like it is the SCUM of the EARTH inwhich it is....... Crack has absolutly no place in society... Fuck that shit.. Swim doesn't mean to whine but he feels like a dumb motherfcujer

Right, it was my second ghost hunt I’m almost a believer, well I must be as I’ve gone back for more.
The first one we did was last year and we saw lots of orbs mostly normal and one red one (which aren’t meant to be very nice) and we heard lots of knocking which all came from the room where we were sat, a sign flew off the wall which made me jump out of my skin as it landed by my feet, all caught on video camera, a bit spooky.

This one was in an old police station which was turned into a theatre years ago. It was a pretty quiet night, until we went down to the old cells, four in total two female and two male cells.

Inside one of the bloke’s cells you could see where names had been scratched on the walls, the story we were told was the marks were done with the prisoners finger nails in the middle of the night, names of girlfriends etc, they did it make them think of home and to pass the time, it was pretty scary down there.
Down at the cells we heard foot steps and we were the only ones there, we had to keep checking to see if anyone else had come down, well they checked I wasn’t going anywhere on my own. Three of us sat on the bed in the pitch black, it seemed lighter when you closed your eyes if that makes sense, then the cell door flew open and banged against it’s hinges, if I wasn’t trying to be tough I would have ran the hell out of there and left them all to it.

Someone from the other group with a Medium and Angel board made contact with their daughter who had died 14 months previous which was pretty sad, not sure whether I totally agreed with it unless the lady got some kind of closure then I guess it would be ok. Someone else had a dog that kept rubbing itself against her legs, she screamed the place down when it happened apparently it was an old police dog which was retired but the owner let it stay in the station.

That was about it; we started at 9pm and finished at 3am. Would I do it again? My friend wants to go to a haunted wood; at the moment I’m thinking I would rather dry roast my own testicles….We’ll have to see.

tonight there was a lot of tension between my boyfriend and i. eventually we argued and he told me that he feels like i'm not myself anymore and that he's always laying next to a "shell." it took him a while to notice i guess, three years actually. it just sucks when there's that one person you pour your heart and soul into and they still picture you as just a shell of what once used to be a human being.

i can't pretend that it didn't break my heart. he's my best friend, my love. if i'm a shell to him i don't know what the hell i look like to the rest of the world.

fuck it though.

From Thursday to Sunday I was stuck in Baltimore, the greatest city in America......(?) If you spend a coupla days 'dare, you can get hypnotized by the sights and sounds and drugs.

all the buildings are the exact same height, so its like a giant maze.

When I'm in the maze, I get the sense the entire world is moving in the wrong direction. We're going forwards, but we should be moving backwards. A good tip for living in the maze: don't look your neighbor in the eye, it's best to stare at the ground when you pass them.

I've had my fill of beer and chips and soda and dope, and I'm back at home now. Three days gone, at least one hundred dollars gone. I'm still trying to quit, I think. The motivations behind this are strictly tied to my personal finances.

sober from alcohol/weed: 0 days
sober from everything else: 1 day

We went back to court, waited to hear just exactly how fucked we'd be, and waited to get home and take this load off our mind with a fat shot. We waited to get called in at probation, for the potheads and small time electronics theifs and husband slappers and drunk drivers to walk out the door til it was our turn. we waited for it to be over so we could go right back outside and boot the fat shot that had been waitin for us in the car after we waited all week for our systems to clear out for our visit with the PO. we told him how good we been, and waited to get dismissed til the silence on his end hinted at somethin wrong and we waited for the news to drop, already pullin back inside, flinching from the impact of the trouble about to hit us while we waited for him to say wat we already knew.

and then we sat and waited for him to come back with his boss, and waited for the lecture, the introduction to our fate, waited to find out just particularly wat he had in mind for us courtesy of the state department of probation, the consequences for our lyin denyin foolishness and poor planning that we had been sure would work. we sat in a haze sayin the right words at the right times, beggin n' noddin and lookin as sorry as we could and as a junkie thats pretty sorry, and waited for it to be over.

and then we ran to the car, drove home focused only on the one thing that got us into this spot to begin with, waited for each light and every slow ass driver that decided to come out and have a god damn parade at 25mph on the road home tonight, tailgatin n highbeaming n passin on solid yellow lines desperate to get to the cure for this sense of doom that took over us the second the words "dirty urine" passed the PO's lips , and push away reality one last time, rushing to get it in, as much of it as possible while we still can, angry that we had took it for granted like that friend whose always around, never thinking that one day shit might change and we'd get the rug snatched out from under us, that we would have to part ways before we had a chance to say a proper goodbye, that we'd have to stop before we were ready, n that all that eventual, dragged out, slow taper-down "one last time" and "one for the road"s that we had planned in case we ever found ourselves in this spot, would have to get squeezed into a few hours before this night ended...

we waited for the day to end, the first time without our daily routine, everything strange unfamiliar, foreign, everything feelin like life on the opposite side of one-way glass, in a parrallel world, watching the mirror image of ourselves doing the normal, everyday cop'n'shoot on the other side while we pressed our hands and faces against the mirror, trapped in this uncomfortable confusing place where everything we do feels wrong and off and everything we know suddenly aint allowed.

staring at the shadow of ourselves that keeps on movin, existing somewhere in our minds, in the life that was, oblivious to how things can change, wanting to switch places and go back to livin in that beautifully ignorant body in a world where needles n' bundles dont lead to cuffs'n'cop cars and we thought life was terrible when the only thing stopping us from getting high was the money that wasnt there or the phone that wasnt on.

we waited for our bodies to stop achin and screaming for relief, we waited for our minds to forget, even just for a second, about the one thing that was consuming them, we waited for our thoughts to change, for some small break to come where we could relax for a minute and not be focusing, concentrating, obsessin on that fact that today wasnt normal and everything was wrong. we wrapped ourselves in blankets and waited for our bones to thaw out and we ripped our hoodies and t shirts off , tearin at the extra clothing that seemed to suffocate us, the necklace strangling us, the bracelet that felt like too tight handcuffs on our wrists, waitin for the heat to stop burning in our chests and brains. we waited with hand towels ready to soak up the sweat pouring from our skin, waited for the sub, the methadone to kick in.

we flicked thru the channels , desperate for distraction, frantically searchin for something that wouldnt find some way to remind us, but no matter wat came on, there was always a trace, some small suggestion or hint that brought it back, anything could. we stared at the tv blankly lettin the images flash over the backs of our eyes and seep into our subconscious, barely paying attention, squinting at the bright flashes and loud sounds of the commercials assaulting our senses, everything magnified and exaggerated by our oversensitive bodies. we waited , 30 seconds at a time, for them to be over, for the show to come back on , the plot that we had no interest in but picked out of a lineup cause it seemed like maybe it was better than the other useless joyless crap that was on.

we struggled thru the hour, each commercial break and 7-minute scrap of so called entertainment stretchin on forever, slowly cutting off chunks of time, tryin not to look at the clock. knowing that worst of all, this wasnt gonna be all worth it in the morning as soon as we got to the bank, got the mail, got the phonecall or got to the pharmacy with our backup dealer from the old pill days and his script of oxys the minute it opened at 9:01 am, sitting sideways on the seat of the blood pressure machine, absently blinkin thru the pages of gossip magazines til the lady called his name and we heard the sound of angels singing in the crinkle of the white paper bag with the may cause drowsiness warning stickers and safety guidelines stapled to the front.

we closed our eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed with the pathetic, self pitying despair of every hopeless soul in the world when we remembered that this time, this pattern, these restless nights and empty days would continue, tomorrow, the next day, and the next until who knows when. we waited for even a little sleepiness to gently weight down our eyelids, waited for the deep and eternal tiredness in our bones, our muscles, n our minds to turn into the smooth release of sleep, of actually being able to. we waited for the ad, the lady in pajamas sliding into a big fluffy white bed with soft sheets, puffy comforter, down stuffed pillows to open up a portal right there in front of the couch n take us away, transport us into that room on the tv, waited for this lumpy couch to get comfortable, for our legs to stop twitchin and our thoughts to stop racing in circles, full speed, runnin on the same track thru our heads , wearing out a groove til we just wanted to bang our foreheads on the table and shake it all out our ears , to just catch a god damn break from all this shit for one fuckin second.

we laid down, stuck to the cushions, arranging and rearranging our pant legs, our socks, the blanket, the volume, the wrinkles on our shirts bunched up underneath us that seemed like the bars of a dog cage pressing in on our backs. we waited out the night , somehow, and fell into a vague excuse for rest, cryin in our sleep never knowing, bouncing back and forth from dreams of dope soaked bliss to a sea of green passaic county jail scrubs. from 7 o clock wakeups in rehab beds to crying and yelling in the kitchen, phone in our hand typing a text saying yes , please we want that bundle, we'd be right there as soon as we could, makin a run for it down the stairs, across from us blocking the door our mother stands with a court summons in one hand and a needle in the other and the look of the most profound, crushed disappointment on her face.

and thru that night time freak show of junkie life we waited subconsciously to escape into daytime where shit would be better, and when we woke up, only half rememberin the details but with a feeling of uneasiness clouding the mornin, we waited for the last pieces that stayed in our mind to drift and fade away with the fuzzy veil of sleep as it burned off like mist over the lake when the sun warms up.

"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad."

— Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash)

When it rains it fucking pours, eh.
This smacked up asshole wrote to me on facebook, now granted I didn't know he was that evil when i had sent him the request back in around Oct. After he completely ruined my life, my hope and my clean time (well yeah so that was my fault too, I can't keep blaming everyone else..) I finally got to see what a completely bad influence he was on me. I can't figure out what he was using me for though, it wasn't sex so what was it just a power trip?
I feel like shit tonight, it's four days and counting and I'm online so I won't do anything stupid.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I need help but I can't go away anywhere, cause of the case coming up and cause I won't lose the very people in my life that matter. Plus they don't let you smoke enough in there..
I want to scream
I want to cry
And fuck I want to hurt myself
This sucks, I thought things would get better being clean, and yes I know things take time.


*I hate asking for help but please if anyway on has gone through this or just has any tips. I need help getting through this one..
I don't want to lose my daughter, she's my world but I'm in a spot where I'm starting to feel that maybe she's better off not being with me, and she's the only reason I'm still here trying and fighting..*

Yup and not the first time either. I ran out of clonazepam like 2 days ago....maybe more....my mind is too scattered. My vision has been effected slightly, as I have always had 40/20 ("perfect" vision) and now I am not sure if half of what I am typing is spelled the right way. Its like I have saran wrap over my eyes / the screen or something.....sweating.....chest pain. Oh and I have eaten very little, not that I am not hungry cause I am, just that I'm short on food and can't binge like I usually do, so now my stomach is protesting to the luxury of over eating.

Add the slight stress that my daughter's father probably got served this past week for custody papers of our daughter. I'm going to lose, that's most likely but I believe she would do better with us most of the time, instead of with her dad.....ooops I mean seeing her dad leave as she's dropped off at granny's house....or her ex -stepmother's house......or whoever else her father feels like he can get a free babysitter out of while he goes get ranky pussy. Yeah, I know how sour that sounds, I hate the mofo and I don't use the word HATE often, hell, most of the people I meet in life I stay friends with indefinately. He though deserves to be hung up by the balls, casterated and have SUPERVISED visits until its proven he actually spends time with his own first born daughter.....oh yeah this waste of air procreated AGAIN with his gf / ex-gf whatever she calls herself today. Poor kid. I hope the gf smartens up and gets herself sole custody of the baby.

I said I wasn't going to come back for awhile, but I was too tempted today.

Keep idle hands busy as the saying goes.....

Besides all this everything is GREAT. Besides the sweats and vision thing, I feel great. I am not depressed today. I still miss people but I've come to the conclusion they will come around when ready, if ever. You can't make someone like or love you they have to on their own.

My fave. (well lately) singer Elliott Yamin. I have been listening too much of his music lately. When I start thinking it gets dangerous LOL

I almost snapped into a crisis 2 days ago - so yeah 3 days without Clonazepam. I ripped Terry a new one and was rolling in my mind to just leave - just up and go with the kid. Leave his sorry ass and make him beg for me to stay. I left before and can do again. He seems to think "working on getting along" = relationship. I told him from day 1 it was to save living costs, plus for the kiddo's sake to have his father around yadda yadda.

If I don't find something to do AWAY from the 2 of them soon, I WILL snap and it won't be pretty and probably will totally fuck my chances for getting my daughter. I have to be careful, keep myself in check.

Which is why I am writing in here instead of poping a 2ml Clonazepam of Terry's. I get random piss tests by my doctor, if I say I ran out but it's in my system ...... clon's are benzos and if i recall right they stay in the system for what.... 3 - 5 days?.....maybe 7 days? If I told him I ran out on the 14th.......ok it would still be in my system possibly by the 20th when I can go see him. I have to be walk in, but fuck, I am risking my life as it is. Im a recovering epileptic - 18yrs no meds or seizures - had nocturnal epilepsy from 4 - 10yrs old. I don't recall the cercumstances of my case, so I don't recall how i came around to being med free.

Cold turkey Clon's is not very safe for me, every night is another possible attack for me. Every day is a possible psychosis, possible rage. I have been good so far so lets pray I am fine until I see my doc.

Weird vanilla creamy taste in the back of my throat, wtf?

I guess coffee doesn't help my matters huh? I only have had one cup today and I try to limit myself to 2 a day even with all my meds. Coffee before my meds always gave me the jitters.

Bah, I just hate the sweats everything else is bearable. I feel like I need a shower every half hour cause I am sweating so bad. Though only from the neck down. My hair is dry as a bone. Only my hands and feet and underarms and under bottox (when sitting).

I am hoping my doc filled out the referal and is not waiting to see me or that will fucking suck. Already at least a 4 week wating list, it's been a week since I called my doc for the referral for the CBT. I think CBT will be better for me then meds, because they never did anything for me except knock me out at night and slightly mellow me out. I rather not swallow a pill if I don't have to.

My anxiety seems okay, I still am taking the cipralex so I think that's keeping me in check on the anxiety but rapid cold turkey from clon's braught on an attack the other day so who knows.

I need to stop writing here, but my hands don;t seem to want to stop.....and for some reason I find that funny...... lol..... not good man.

A bump in my journey...but not really because a bump would be a ATOD relapse but I have not since new years eve. So it's more like..... SAVE BUS FARE FOR THE FUCKING DR NEXT TIME.....situation. lol. Oh well, I'll be fine.

I need to stop writing......Need to find someone on MSN to bug to satisfy my writing urge. I guess my writing urge is now taking place of my touch urge I usually have....a touch OCD i call it LOL I always love touching people...faces, bodies, hands. weird huh? eh well....

Have been good on my touch OCD (haha) for......what..... 2 almost 3 months now. Longest ive gone without touching SOMEONE in YEARS. Then again I take care of my son on a daily basis, but that's different. My touch OCD i think is pleasure based....so ..... yeah...... Ive been celebate for what.... 2 / 3 months..... Blah!

Ok, MSN....better get there before I start talking about my bra size next and shit and more TMI lulz.

I U my friends.


p.s. how do you catagorize posts? ive always wondered....never did find out........


jaw clenching and cold sweats instead of hot sweats..... perfect.

It doesn't matter if I just knew the person from their posts, knew them personally, or never heard of them before. It always makes me feel sad.

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Last night I called my daughter after I made a promise to her at our visit on Tuesday. The person she's with wouldn't put her on the phone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. She's pulled this in the past many times, so I wanted to hear it from Syl. She did than put her on the phone long enough to say that and I love you, than CLICK.
I left the NA meeting I was in to call her and I am very thankful that they let me share about it afterwards. It did keep me from running right down there to make sure Syl was okay but shit when I call tonight and if I get the same answer I can't say I wouldn't do just that anyway.
I know that close family wise I'm all that she has left. Before that bitch (my sister) took her she never had the time for Syl, wouldn't even play with her.
There's these insane, vile and very dark thoughts in my head. I don't just want to SI I want it to be fucking over with, if everything I touch goes to hell. Ending in me losing everyone I care about or love than I'm ready and totally at peace with it too. I know it would hurt Syl and my mom but how much pain can I endure?
I have no where to go, everything that isn't gone is slipping away. Right through my finger..should I laugh and wave goodbye?!
Five more days...
Again I'm alone, yeah it was me that fucked up and bad this time but I would've stayed and worked things out with you. I need you in so many ways right now and hugging you last night just felt distant and tense. Like you couldn't wait for me to let go.
Now before I go on I want to say this may be in my head and being blown up beyond what it is but it's how I feel so shouldn't that count?
I asked if you were happy with me, you couldn't answer. I asked if we could try again and I'm sorry if you did answer I was crying to hard to hear your voice. But I need you right now...

~+~

I'm not saying this to make ANYONE feel anyway, I just need to get out whats inside.
In simple honest words I wanna die. When I think about when I had planned to do it I feel at peace. I know it's selfish that I'd hurt a few people but I thought I had already lost everything than to have this glimmer of hope enter my life and maybe it would have worked maybe not, but there was never a real chance. I'm hitting overload here and I can't take anymore pain. Not in the next five days.
I've thought about everything from committing myself, moving away for a few weeks so no one can find me (course I damn well know where that will lead), going to friends in Philly (that'll lead to using, which for some insane reason is the last thing I want to do), going back home where it all started, to simply sleeping in the fucking park. I can't go back to my "home" drinks everywhere, I'd be out in a heart beat for some coke, anything I could fit into a needle.
This is a plea for you to help me again, you've given so much when the one thing I desperately want you can't even try. And you know what kills me, I understand. It's not what I would have done but your still here for me when I need you, without even thing about it. I know you care, I guess it's the addict in my that says, "if you care that much, than care enough to try..please".
I don't want to come off as controlling and think what you want.
I've lost so much and right now that was the push I knew was coming.

9/11/04 (Age 20) - IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
Right, two days off the P again and I'm feeling...a little fragile. I smoked a lot of weed after that last entry but I still had a little paranoid breakdown episode and spent most of Tuesday night (well early Wednesday morning) shivering in a sweaty ball in the corner of my room, trying to recognise my surroundings and get my wigging brain grounded. I didn't sleep till the sun came up and even then I didn't majorly crash the way I used to. Like when Mum came in to check I was asleep (so she could confiscate my needles, syringes and drugs really...) she woke me. Then later, Liam playing his guitar in the dining room (fuck knows why he plays in there...) also woke me - and by then I'd gone literally all weekend without eating so I couldn't get back to sleep due to pure hunger. Not just that, I literally had 'pure hunger' - I was hungry for P - and when you're jonesing for meth and you don't have any comfort food to deal with it the heaviest crash in the world wouldn't put you to sleep. So that's how Liam and I ended up in the food court at St Lukes after I'd had maybe three hours sleep. I was too paranoid to go by myself so I had to bribe Liam into coming with me by saying I'd pay.
I wish I didn't have to bribe Liam into going out places with me - and just occasionally I wish he'd offer to pay or at least pay for himself!
For fuck's sake, I'm a beneficiary and I owe Graeme so much money - plus I've got a horse to pay for and I use marijuana semi-medicinally. Not to mention the methamphetamine and the heroin - even though I am trying to cut down on my P use, I need heroin. It leaves me, however, too poor to be paying for Liam's food. However, otherwise Liam wouldn't eat with me. Not in public.
It seems that despite the way I mothered Liam when we were growing up and tried to keep a close relationship with him, he really seems to want me out of his life. It's a shame when I look at how close some siblings are - Laura and her sisters (since her sisters left home), Adrienne and Daniel, Harley and Arrian, Alannah and Andrew...even May and Robert! That's how I would have liked it to be for us.
It's not that he's mean (a little ratty and exasperated by me, perhaps), he just stays away from me apart from to say hi quickly on the way to his room or out the door.
Basically I think he just really looks down on me and expects me to fuck up and embarrass him.
Here he is, this well-spoken, mature, together, 'go get 'em' young man who's doing all the desirable things with his life and mixing with all the 'right people'. Mr Normal with the well-ironed shirts, the office job and the preppy North Shore girlfriend. Compare that to me - dysfunctional, drug-fucked, immature, impulsive, unmotivated loser who can't sort out her life and mixed (up till now since Laura and I met up again) with only junkies and tweakers. To him, yes I would be embarrassing!
When he came to see me the first time in detox and I had to admit to him I was prostituting myself for heroin he burst into tears - I'd never seen him cry like that before, and maybe he really did care, and valued our relationship back then but I guess after I came out promising everyone that I'd cleaned up and two weeks later went back to shooting up, why should he believe that things have changed? Since I walked out of rehab early he's been the fucking Ice Man. Ice as in frozen...
I guess yesterday I really looked like a methamphetamine user, to add to his embarrassment. Of course if he'd let me sleep a bit longer I mightn't have looked so fucking seedy but I guess if I'd said that to him he'd just say (or think, he never says it...) that that was my fault for going on a ridiculous 5-day P binge and crashing so early on a weekday morning. With so much P and so little sleep there were huge circles under my bloodshot eyes, my skin was grey and peeling and my face was scabby from picking - not to mention, even with a long shower and plenty of deodorant I would have smelt like a P lab, and with that taste I had in my mouth I hate to think what my breath would have smelt like. Methhead breath can strip paint. So not a good look for Mr Normal!
I regret what drugs have done to my relationship with my family/whanau...but none of them cared much for me before I started using either. So...what's to regret?
Maybe just what I never had, and never will have.
Time to boot up, I'm sick of this low mood, and I'm going into withdrawal now...well I'm getting runny-nosed, yawning and that dreaded ache has started in my bones. Hopefully I have some pre-loaded rigs because my hands are shaking like crazy.
Heroin is the one thing that fills the empty hole, now that Taylor's gone. It wraps me in it's arms the same way he used to, and makes me feel just as good. Trouble is, I hate having to fix so often to ever get that feeling - and when I do, I overdose!
Even heroin is no longer a friend these days - it's just me. Me and the bleak hole of a future I have ahead of me.

NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THESE NAMES CUD B ALIASES
- Liam is my younger brother; strangely enough, he's not so straight-laced now, himself, but will always be the family favourite
- St Lukes is the old name for the mall near where we lived at the time
- Graeme is a gang member/ex fuck buddy (now inside for cooking P), who I used to cook/distribute/deal P wiv, as well as break into pharmacies wiv, to get the pseudo
- Laura is my one straight-laced friend (though she went through a P-using stage), who has stuck by me through thick and thin
- Adrienne was my best friend at school; we got into drugs together; she's now completely clean, working on a sheep station out on the East Coast, way in the wops, only going into the nearest city [Gisborne] to attend NA meetings
- Daniel is Adrienne's older brother, who nearly made the Olympics with his 3-day eventing skills
- Harley is my ex...yes another one; he and I shared a bond cos we loved horses and cars, but after fucking himself up wiv acid and P he developed paranoid schizophrenia...scarily, he still uses these drugs
- Arrian is Harley's older brother, who is now Harley's full-time caretaker
- Alannah is an old drug buddy of mine who moved to Australia to get away from the scene, as she has a young daughter
- Andrew is Alannah's older brother, and my old dealer...one of many (now inside for attempting to import massive amounts of Ecstasy from Australia)
- May is my so-called 'best friend', and Laura's cousin, though her rampant P addiction stops her from being the friend she used to b
- Robert is May's younger brother, another horse enthusiast, who I taught to ride
- Taylor was my first lover; a relationship that lasted 2yrs, as we had bn friends since we were kids, and he lived and breathed horses; sadly he died in my arms of a heroin OD earlier in 2004 (and yes we were still together at the time...and no, I've never gotten over it)

I've felt many feelings throughout my life:
-sad
-lonely
-angry
-frustrated
-misunderstood
-afraid
-mixed-up
-irritable
-restless
I've even felt happy - but that happiness has always bn a 'euphoria', an excited 'God I'm so HAPPY!' kinda happy

Today after a talk wiv Keira - who isnt just my gf, shes my best friend (just the way a relationship shud b) - I realised theres a new emotion entering my life for the first time
an emotion I'd heard of and always wished to experience as it sounded wonderful - almost better than that euphoric over-the-moon happiness
that emotion is another kind of happiness - contentment

ppl wiv ADHD find it hard to b content cos were always on the go wiv our heads going 1000000kph and our bodies jiggling and restless
in my case even the meds dont seem to help enough, probly cos its bn made so much worse by chronic P use

but luv does amazing things
Keira does amazing things just by...being there

wen am I most content?
wen I'm lying by Keira in bed, talking bout stuff I wudnt tell anyone else (Keiras so trustworthy and honest - one of the million things I luv about her)
we dont need drugs to b happy together - I dont feen wiv Keira round!

shes so beautiful - luvly shaped face, pretty eyes and a gorgeous smile that lights up the room wen she smiles; a luvly shapely breastbone and well-defined features; very Irish-looking (we both hav Irish blood in us but shes very Irish)

but wats beauty? I'd b in luv wiv her if she had 2 heads and green skin
shes also intelligent, artistic, shares my wacky sense of humour, takes me seriously over things utha ppl dont, shes loyal, trustworthy (and trusting/open), shes affectionate...and best of all she helps me feel like I'm worth having someone luv me as more than a 'gd fuck' (as all my utha relationships hav bn bout - except my first bf, who died of an OD)

Keira - I know ull read this, and I wanna let u know (for the 1000000000th time, I U MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF - I BELIEVE UR A GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN ME; MY ANGEL...hopefully forever friends, and in luv for a long time...uve given me the gift of serenity/contentment...and that means so much to me

hun, wen ur ever feeling down bout urself and I'm not there, plz reread this entry
u know me - I dont lie
I say it how it is
wen we got back together I realised that heaven lies on earth in some places too (wherever u r)
AND UR WORTH MORE TO ME THAN MY HORSES; MORE THAN GOLD OR DIAMONDS - OR METHAMPHETAMINE...SO DONT EVER LET UR BPD TELL U UR NOT WORTH SHIT, COS I LIVE FOR U

I luv this new feeling - and I'm never taking my beautiful angel for granted again

...or another promise broken?

how is it that I've gone from - before xmas - using a QUARTER-GRAM of methamphetamine a month (fairly amazing for someone whod not long ago bn on 3G/day)...and now I'm using, again, evryday?

I ended up having a bout of wat the hospital psychiatric team dubbed 'psychotic depression' (basically I felt v depressed and voices were telling me to just fucking 'do it' so I tried to, but Mum walked in on the blood, which really wasnt any big deal - she was so fast I didnt even need stitches; I guess the blood just looked dramatic so she called an ambulance)

I hadnt had the best new yrs the day before
Keira and I had broken up and I was self-medicating wiv large amounts of P - Keira spent NYE down in her part of NZ, as she was depressed, but that selfish part of me said 'wat about me? ur ditching me on NYE???'
I cant remember if we fought or not - I dont think we did cos I was pretty worried bout her, but I also had a beautiful beautiful gram bag of P that I'd scored off a random on K Rd (Aucklands red light district) for $800...steep for a G, but wen I saw the big shards I understood the reasoning

I still didnt wanna celebrate alone - and that G was to do me for...well heaven knows how long!? I already had halved a Q wiv Keira and had a decent amount of that stuff left (that was gd stuff too)
I txtd 2 BL friends - neither which has replied to me since (sumtimes, I wonder where I stand in the lives of some of my [mates?]), plus my friend May
I tantalised them all, saying P and drinks were on me - looking back I must hav reeked of desperation
I hate being alone
I esp hate being alone on nights like NYE

Somehow I got thru a G that night...how? dunno
I guess I just filled the pipe, smoked, tapped BS into this computer, wash, rinse, repeat

I stopped binging by morning, but instead of sleeping, I texted Keira...wound her up really
we broke it off
dont remember much after that except for the voices in my head then trying to kill myself

my memory leaves me there again, and I'm lying in a hospital bed - Mums being told the wounds not deep but I'm incredibly dehydrated and tachycardic and I'm asked to give a UA
I told the nurse wearily exactly wat I was on (ffs has it bn that long? has Auckland hospital forgotten me???) and she nodded and said I still had to give a mandatory UA

I was real surprised wen I got told I was staying overnight - I mean fuck, all I'd done was cut myself right? I didnt even tell them I was suicidal
I don't even remember why I was suicidal - I hated that I'd fucked up the relationship wiv Keira, but I wasn't going to kill myself cos Keira didnt want me anymore...yea she was the best gal I'd ever bn wiv, but surely there was another One for me...right???
wen I asked why they were keping me in overnight I got told I had to b psychiatrically-assessed

*panic mode*

I really downplayed it to the psych team, but I'm not a liar either
wen asked why I wanted to kill myself I said 'I dunno'
then one guy said 'does someone else want u to kill urself?'
at that point I'd bn all night still hearing those stupid voices talking bout how I needed to kill myself, how sumthing bad wud happen to someone I loved if I didnt, and besides I wasnt actually gonna go any further in life...life held no place for me
wen I put my fingers in my ears I still heard them, clear as day
and I believed, kooky as it sounds, that it was completely real
so I told the psych team casually that some ppl I heard talking that had bn following me since the yr 2010 began wanted me dead
wen asked their motives, I told them pretty much evrything
to my relief they thanked me and walked off

Mum was called not much later and the hospital said I was to b 'discharged to go to court' - thats wen I saw 2 police coming at me wiv handcuffs
I nearly passed out

turned out I wasnt 'in trouble' as such, but wen asked by the psych team earlier if I'd stay in the psych ward for awhile I said 'not over my dead body - I'm not crazy, just got the blues from breaking up wiv my gf'
they didnt tell me that if I said no I'd b facing a judge who had to listen to my whole story, which still sounded completely sane to me, handcuffed by the police wiv my friends, the CATs team surrounding me and my mum sobbing away muttering bout how 'that P really had sent me loopy finally' 8(

I was deemed unfit for society and sent for a holiday in the psych ward for 2 weeks
I barely remember much - I remember being given cupfuls of pills along wiv my methadone and wen I asked wat they were I was just told I had no choice but to swallow them
and they watched me swallow them
I vaguely remember moaning and crying and screaming in the background
and I remember constantly drooling, being unable to talk cos my mouth cudnt seem to form words, like I'd try to say 'hello' and it'd come out as 'ewwo'
I remember clearly the last few days cos thats wen they brought the doses down of wat I later found out were slow-release halperidol in pill form (the 'drooling', unable-to-talk culprit), benzos (xanax, more valium than I was already on and at night, temazepam) and amytriptyline
this was wen I realised I'd gone nuts, wen I remembered wat I'd bn convinced was happening
I briefly talked to a nice psychologist over the next few days before being released, still on amytriptyline, as, while I was no longer psychotic, I was...not exactly depressed, but not happy, even once I got back on my ADHD meds and my brain was no longer dopamine-deprived

amytriptyline, as anyone whos bn on it will know, makes u v sleepy
esp if mixed wiv drugs like diazepam and methadone
esp in ppl wiv hep C, which makes me permanently fatigued
I had no get-up-and-go - so I turned back to P
I thought 'just evry 3-4 days like wen I was wiv Keira', then I thought 'oh fuck it, Keiras not here - why not just take it as long as u hav to b on amytrip?'
so I did

I'm back wiv Keira (thank u God)
I'm off amytrip
I'm thru the acute bout I was having wiv my hep C - I was admiring how 'white' my eyes r again, round the irises, just yesterday in the mirror...a few weeks ago they were all full of yellow; wen I smoked pot my eyes actually looked 'orange' from the mix of yellow and red
I hav no excuse to use P
yet I've bn using daily since I got out of hospital

today I had a meltdown - I rang Keira and cried on the phone
wat was the meltdown about?
well I'd used the last 5 scoops left (bout half a point altogether) from various baggies I'd kept to save for a rainy day
I HAD NO P
and I feel uncomfortable with knowing I hav no P

its midnight, I'm still awake and I doubt I'll sleep for awhile but I'm not happy
yes, obviously the P is affecting me
so why rnt I happy?
I used to b euphoric for so long wen I smoked P
isnt like that anymore

this time I've promised myself that tomorrow, wen I buy another half-gram, this half is gonna last me at least a month - cant smoke daily then...esp as I'm giving Keira 1/2 - 3/4 point for herself if she wants it
to say 'thanks' for helping me score - I hate going out alone onto K'rd...its creepy; I always take a knife, but its still not 100% safe
Keira and I r both streetsmart girls - part of being streetsmart is knowing where to draw the line...and scoring alone in the red light district crosses the line from streetsmart to 'desperate junkie who doesnt care if she gets raped or murdered'
also, cos Keiras bn going thru a P-tox herself and is craving - chances r she will want sum, and only fair to give her some as while I can go wiv holding/not using while shes there, I dont think she can b round it without using it
I luv her basically and I believe if she wants P, its her choice, and since shes helping me score safely, I'll do the same for her, anytime (and I'd never leave her without if I had some and she knew it and it made her uncomfortable)

the main thing I wonder is...can I keep this promise to myself?
or am I gonna b typing another sob-story entry in less than a months time wailing bout how I'm out of P again?

the weird thing is...I'm on P rnt I? I can feel my heart pounding, my skin is itchy, I'm warm and sweaty, I feel like I cud take a crap easily even after my nightly 'done dose (TMI?) and my stomachs got that whirlagig feeling in it...all the usual feelings I get from decent methamphetamine
then why do I want more? why am I dying to load just one more pipe wiv a huge scoop of crystal, hear the crystals crackle as I melt them down, inhaling that acrid but pleasant chemical taste then watch the liquid puddle left behind turn from a clear colour to a white pool, then start all over again until that pool disappears leaving a thick mist all over the pipe...then start smoking all that mist as well? and wud it stop wiv that one scoop? or wud I keep going? shud I start using needles again since the pipe doesnt seem to b as satisfactory?

am I really a recovering methamphetamine addict? or just a methamphetamine addict?

I guess the last questions the one I worry bout the most...

I just tallied up my calendar (I wrote little bullet points beneath the numeric date on each day I used) for this past year, 2009.

The total times I used drugs, the definition switched to mean times I purchased a single quantity of drugs for consumption, even if I used that single purchase over the course of two or three days at the most (i.e.: bag of one half gram of cocaine used for two days in a row counts as ONE use). These "multiple use" series only occurred with cocaine, which I tend to dose mildly and frequently, as in a great cup of coffee (otherwise I'll become nervous, and who buys drugs to feel bad??). The number of "multiple use" occurrences is: 4

Otherwise, the number of times I used in 2009:

24 = exactly twice per month on average. The amount of times I used varied from five in a month to zero.

Overall, I'm fairly pleased by these numbers. I started out using drugs heavy with marijuana for four years straight. Then I used opiates heavy for a year, at least. Now, since my "clean date" (for my parents, drug counselor, NA crew's sake) is 3-17-08, I use opiates sporadically. I used marijuana once in 2009 in August.

Already, in 2010, I've only used once which was TODAY: marijuana. It feels great to use marijuana every once in a while. I need to abstain for at least two weeks between uses to lower my THC levels to naught for my drug screens, otherwise I'm stocked up with a potential two clean drug screens in a water bottle, ready to go, for this entire week, as a "single-use" marijuana consumption remains detectable for 1-6 days, 7 to be safe = one week. :D