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When it rains it fucking pours, eh.
This smacked up asshole wrote to me on facebook, now granted I didn't know he was that evil when i had sent him the request back in around Oct. After he completely ruined my life, my hope and my clean time (well yeah so that was my fault too, I can't keep blaming everyone else..) I finally got to see what a completely bad influence he was on me. I can't figure out what he was using me for though, it wasn't sex so what was it just a power trip?
I feel like shit tonight, it's four days and counting and I'm online so I won't do anything stupid.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I need help but I can't go away anywhere, cause of the case coming up and cause I won't lose the very people in my life that matter. Plus they don't let you smoke enough in there..
I want to scream
I want to cry
And fuck I want to hurt myself
This sucks, I thought things would get better being clean, and yes I know things take time.


*I hate asking for help but please if anyway on has gone through this or just has any tips. I need help getting through this one..
I don't want to lose my daughter, she's my world but I'm in a spot where I'm starting to feel that maybe she's better off not being with me, and she's the only reason I'm still here trying and fighting..*

Yup and not the first time either. I ran out of clonazepam like 2 days ago....maybe more....my mind is too scattered. My vision has been effected slightly, as I have always had 40/20 ("perfect" vision) and now I am not sure if half of what I am typing is spelled the right way. Its like I have saran wrap over my eyes / the screen or something.....sweating.....chest pain. Oh and I have eaten very little, not that I am not hungry cause I am, just that I'm short on food and can't binge like I usually do, so now my stomach is protesting to the luxury of over eating.

Add the slight stress that my daughter's father probably got served this past week for custody papers of our daughter. I'm going to lose, that's most likely but I believe she would do better with us most of the time, instead of with her dad.....ooops I mean seeing her dad leave as she's dropped off at granny's house....or her ex -stepmother's house......or whoever else her father feels like he can get a free babysitter out of while he goes get ranky pussy. Yeah, I know how sour that sounds, I hate the mofo and I don't use the word HATE often, hell, most of the people I meet in life I stay friends with indefinately. He though deserves to be hung up by the balls, casterated and have SUPERVISED visits until its proven he actually spends time with his own first born daughter.....oh yeah this waste of air procreated AGAIN with his gf / ex-gf whatever she calls herself today. Poor kid. I hope the gf smartens up and gets herself sole custody of the baby.

I said I wasn't going to come back for awhile, but I was too tempted today.

Keep idle hands busy as the saying goes.....

Besides all this everything is GREAT. Besides the sweats and vision thing, I feel great. I am not depressed today. I still miss people but I've come to the conclusion they will come around when ready, if ever. You can't make someone like or love you they have to on their own.

My fave. (well lately) singer Elliott Yamin. I have been listening too much of his music lately. When I start thinking it gets dangerous LOL

I almost snapped into a crisis 2 days ago - so yeah 3 days without Clonazepam. I ripped Terry a new one and was rolling in my mind to just leave - just up and go with the kid. Leave his sorry ass and make him beg for me to stay. I left before and can do again. He seems to think "working on getting along" = relationship. I told him from day 1 it was to save living costs, plus for the kiddo's sake to have his father around yadda yadda.

If I don't find something to do AWAY from the 2 of them soon, I WILL snap and it won't be pretty and probably will totally fuck my chances for getting my daughter. I have to be careful, keep myself in check.

Which is why I am writing in here instead of poping a 2ml Clonazepam of Terry's. I get random piss tests by my doctor, if I say I ran out but it's in my system ...... clon's are benzos and if i recall right they stay in the system for what.... 3 - 5 days?.....maybe 7 days? If I told him I ran out on the 14th.......ok it would still be in my system possibly by the 20th when I can go see him. I have to be walk in, but fuck, I am risking my life as it is. Im a recovering epileptic - 18yrs no meds or seizures - had nocturnal epilepsy from 4 - 10yrs old. I don't recall the cercumstances of my case, so I don't recall how i came around to being med free.

Cold turkey Clon's is not very safe for me, every night is another possible attack for me. Every day is a possible psychosis, possible rage. I have been good so far so lets pray I am fine until I see my doc.

Weird vanilla creamy taste in the back of my throat, wtf?

I guess coffee doesn't help my matters huh? I only have had one cup today and I try to limit myself to 2 a day even with all my meds. Coffee before my meds always gave me the jitters.

Bah, I just hate the sweats everything else is bearable. I feel like I need a shower every half hour cause I am sweating so bad. Though only from the neck down. My hair is dry as a bone. Only my hands and feet and underarms and under bottox (when sitting).

I am hoping my doc filled out the referal and is not waiting to see me or that will fucking suck. Already at least a 4 week wating list, it's been a week since I called my doc for the referral for the CBT. I think CBT will be better for me then meds, because they never did anything for me except knock me out at night and slightly mellow me out. I rather not swallow a pill if I don't have to.

My anxiety seems okay, I still am taking the cipralex so I think that's keeping me in check on the anxiety but rapid cold turkey from clon's braught on an attack the other day so who knows.

I need to stop writing here, but my hands don;t seem to want to stop.....and for some reason I find that funny...... lol..... not good man.

A bump in my journey...but not really because a bump would be a ATOD relapse but I have not since new years eve. So it's more like..... SAVE BUS FARE FOR THE FUCKING DR NEXT TIME.....situation. lol. Oh well, I'll be fine.

I need to stop writing......Need to find someone on MSN to bug to satisfy my writing urge. I guess my writing urge is now taking place of my touch urge I usually have....a touch OCD i call it LOL I always love touching people...faces, bodies, hands. weird huh? eh well....

Have been good on my touch OCD (haha) for......what..... 2 almost 3 months now. Longest ive gone without touching SOMEONE in YEARS. Then again I take care of my son on a daily basis, but that's different. My touch OCD i think is pleasure based....so ..... yeah...... Ive been celebate for what.... 2 / 3 months..... Blah!

Ok, MSN....better get there before I start talking about my bra size next and shit and more TMI lulz.

I U my friends.


p.s. how do you catagorize posts? ive always wondered....never did find out........


jaw clenching and cold sweats instead of hot sweats..... perfect.

It doesn't matter if I just knew the person from their posts, knew them personally, or never heard of them before. It always makes me feel sad.

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Last night I called my daughter after I made a promise to her at our visit on Tuesday. The person she's with wouldn't put her on the phone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. She's pulled this in the past many times, so I wanted to hear it from Syl. She did than put her on the phone long enough to say that and I love you, than CLICK.
I left the NA meeting I was in to call her and I am very thankful that they let me share about it afterwards. It did keep me from running right down there to make sure Syl was okay but shit when I call tonight and if I get the same answer I can't say I wouldn't do just that anyway.
I know that close family wise I'm all that she has left. Before that bitch (my sister) took her she never had the time for Syl, wouldn't even play with her.
There's these insane, vile and very dark thoughts in my head. I don't just want to SI I want it to be fucking over with, if everything I touch goes to hell. Ending in me losing everyone I care about or love than I'm ready and totally at peace with it too. I know it would hurt Syl and my mom but how much pain can I endure?
I have no where to go, everything that isn't gone is slipping away. Right through my finger..should I laugh and wave goodbye?!
Five more days...
Again I'm alone, yeah it was me that fucked up and bad this time but I would've stayed and worked things out with you. I need you in so many ways right now and hugging you last night just felt distant and tense. Like you couldn't wait for me to let go.
Now before I go on I want to say this may be in my head and being blown up beyond what it is but it's how I feel so shouldn't that count?
I asked if you were happy with me, you couldn't answer. I asked if we could try again and I'm sorry if you did answer I was crying to hard to hear your voice. But I need you right now...

~+~

I'm not saying this to make ANYONE feel anyway, I just need to get out whats inside.
In simple honest words I wanna die. When I think about when I had planned to do it I feel at peace. I know it's selfish that I'd hurt a few people but I thought I had already lost everything than to have this glimmer of hope enter my life and maybe it would have worked maybe not, but there was never a real chance. I'm hitting overload here and I can't take anymore pain. Not in the next five days.
I've thought about everything from committing myself, moving away for a few weeks so no one can find me (course I damn well know where that will lead), going to friends in Philly (that'll lead to using, which for some insane reason is the last thing I want to do), going back home where it all started, to simply sleeping in the fucking park. I can't go back to my "home" drinks everywhere, I'd be out in a heart beat for some coke, anything I could fit into a needle.
This is a plea for you to help me again, you've given so much when the one thing I desperately want you can't even try. And you know what kills me, I understand. It's not what I would have done but your still here for me when I need you, without even thing about it. I know you care, I guess it's the addict in my that says, "if you care that much, than care enough to try..please".
I don't want to come off as controlling and think what you want.
I've lost so much and right now that was the push I knew was coming.

9/11/04 (Age 20) - IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
Right, two days off the P again and I'm feeling...a little fragile. I smoked a lot of weed after that last entry but I still had a little paranoid breakdown episode and spent most of Tuesday night (well early Wednesday morning) shivering in a sweaty ball in the corner of my room, trying to recognise my surroundings and get my wigging brain grounded. I didn't sleep till the sun came up and even then I didn't majorly crash the way I used to. Like when Mum came in to check I was asleep (so she could confiscate my needles, syringes and drugs really...) she woke me. Then later, Liam playing his guitar in the dining room (fuck knows why he plays in there...) also woke me - and by then I'd gone literally all weekend without eating so I couldn't get back to sleep due to pure hunger. Not just that, I literally had 'pure hunger' - I was hungry for P - and when you're jonesing for meth and you don't have any comfort food to deal with it the heaviest crash in the world wouldn't put you to sleep. So that's how Liam and I ended up in the food court at St Lukes after I'd had maybe three hours sleep. I was too paranoid to go by myself so I had to bribe Liam into coming with me by saying I'd pay.
I wish I didn't have to bribe Liam into going out places with me - and just occasionally I wish he'd offer to pay or at least pay for himself!
For fuck's sake, I'm a beneficiary and I owe Graeme so much money - plus I've got a horse to pay for and I use marijuana semi-medicinally. Not to mention the methamphetamine and the heroin - even though I am trying to cut down on my P use, I need heroin. It leaves me, however, too poor to be paying for Liam's food. However, otherwise Liam wouldn't eat with me. Not in public.
It seems that despite the way I mothered Liam when we were growing up and tried to keep a close relationship with him, he really seems to want me out of his life. It's a shame when I look at how close some siblings are - Laura and her sisters (since her sisters left home), Adrienne and Daniel, Harley and Arrian, Alannah and Andrew...even May and Robert! That's how I would have liked it to be for us.
It's not that he's mean (a little ratty and exasperated by me, perhaps), he just stays away from me apart from to say hi quickly on the way to his room or out the door.
Basically I think he just really looks down on me and expects me to fuck up and embarrass him.
Here he is, this well-spoken, mature, together, 'go get 'em' young man who's doing all the desirable things with his life and mixing with all the 'right people'. Mr Normal with the well-ironed shirts, the office job and the preppy North Shore girlfriend. Compare that to me - dysfunctional, drug-fucked, immature, impulsive, unmotivated loser who can't sort out her life and mixed (up till now since Laura and I met up again) with only junkies and tweakers. To him, yes I would be embarrassing!
When he came to see me the first time in detox and I had to admit to him I was prostituting myself for heroin he burst into tears - I'd never seen him cry like that before, and maybe he really did care, and valued our relationship back then but I guess after I came out promising everyone that I'd cleaned up and two weeks later went back to shooting up, why should he believe that things have changed? Since I walked out of rehab early he's been the fucking Ice Man. Ice as in frozen...
I guess yesterday I really looked like a methamphetamine user, to add to his embarrassment. Of course if he'd let me sleep a bit longer I mightn't have looked so fucking seedy but I guess if I'd said that to him he'd just say (or think, he never says it...) that that was my fault for going on a ridiculous 5-day P binge and crashing so early on a weekday morning. With so much P and so little sleep there were huge circles under my bloodshot eyes, my skin was grey and peeling and my face was scabby from picking - not to mention, even with a long shower and plenty of deodorant I would have smelt like a P lab, and with that taste I had in my mouth I hate to think what my breath would have smelt like. Methhead breath can strip paint. So not a good look for Mr Normal!
I regret what drugs have done to my relationship with my family/whanau...but none of them cared much for me before I started using either. So...what's to regret?
Maybe just what I never had, and never will have.
Time to boot up, I'm sick of this low mood, and I'm going into withdrawal now...well I'm getting runny-nosed, yawning and that dreaded ache has started in my bones. Hopefully I have some pre-loaded rigs because my hands are shaking like crazy.
Heroin is the one thing that fills the empty hole, now that Taylor's gone. It wraps me in it's arms the same way he used to, and makes me feel just as good. Trouble is, I hate having to fix so often to ever get that feeling - and when I do, I overdose!
Even heroin is no longer a friend these days - it's just me. Me and the bleak hole of a future I have ahead of me.

NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THESE NAMES CUD B ALIASES
- Liam is my younger brother; strangely enough, he's not so straight-laced now, himself, but will always be the family favourite
- St Lukes is the old name for the mall near where we lived at the time
- Graeme is a gang member/ex fuck buddy (now inside for cooking P), who I used to cook/distribute/deal P wiv, as well as break into pharmacies wiv, to get the pseudo
- Laura is my one straight-laced friend (though she went through a P-using stage), who has stuck by me through thick and thin
- Adrienne was my best friend at school; we got into drugs together; she's now completely clean, working on a sheep station out on the East Coast, way in the wops, only going into the nearest city [Gisborne] to attend NA meetings
- Daniel is Adrienne's older brother, who nearly made the Olympics with his 3-day eventing skills
- Harley is my ex...yes another one; he and I shared a bond cos we loved horses and cars, but after fucking himself up wiv acid and P he developed paranoid schizophrenia...scarily, he still uses these drugs
- Arrian is Harley's older brother, who is now Harley's full-time caretaker
- Alannah is an old drug buddy of mine who moved to Australia to get away from the scene, as she has a young daughter
- Andrew is Alannah's older brother, and my old dealer...one of many (now inside for attempting to import massive amounts of Ecstasy from Australia)
- May is my so-called 'best friend', and Laura's cousin, though her rampant P addiction stops her from being the friend she used to b
- Robert is May's younger brother, another horse enthusiast, who I taught to ride
- Taylor was my first lover; a relationship that lasted 2yrs, as we had bn friends since we were kids, and he lived and breathed horses; sadly he died in my arms of a heroin OD earlier in 2004 (and yes we were still together at the time...and no, I've never gotten over it)

I've felt many feelings throughout my life:
-sad
-lonely
-angry
-frustrated
-misunderstood
-afraid
-mixed-up
-irritable
-restless
I've even felt happy - but that happiness has always bn a 'euphoria', an excited 'God I'm so HAPPY!' kinda happy

Today after a talk wiv Keira - who isnt just my gf, shes my best friend (just the way a relationship shud b) - I realised theres a new emotion entering my life for the first time
an emotion I'd heard of and always wished to experience as it sounded wonderful - almost better than that euphoric over-the-moon happiness
that emotion is another kind of happiness - contentment

ppl wiv ADHD find it hard to b content cos were always on the go wiv our heads going 1000000kph and our bodies jiggling and restless
in my case even the meds dont seem to help enough, probly cos its bn made so much worse by chronic P use

but luv does amazing things
Keira does amazing things just by...being there

wen am I most content?
wen I'm lying by Keira in bed, talking bout stuff I wudnt tell anyone else (Keiras so trustworthy and honest - one of the million things I luv about her)
we dont need drugs to b happy together - I dont feen wiv Keira round!

shes so beautiful - luvly shaped face, pretty eyes and a gorgeous smile that lights up the room wen she smiles; a luvly shapely breastbone and well-defined features; very Irish-looking (we both hav Irish blood in us but shes very Irish)

but wats beauty? I'd b in luv wiv her if she had 2 heads and green skin
shes also intelligent, artistic, shares my wacky sense of humour, takes me seriously over things utha ppl dont, shes loyal, trustworthy (and trusting/open), shes affectionate...and best of all she helps me feel like I'm worth having someone luv me as more than a 'gd fuck' (as all my utha relationships hav bn bout - except my first bf, who died of an OD)

Keira - I know ull read this, and I wanna let u know (for the 1000000000th time, I U MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF - I BELIEVE UR A GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN ME; MY ANGEL...hopefully forever friends, and in luv for a long time...uve given me the gift of serenity/contentment...and that means so much to me

hun, wen ur ever feeling down bout urself and I'm not there, plz reread this entry
u know me - I dont lie
I say it how it is
wen we got back together I realised that heaven lies on earth in some places too (wherever u r)
AND UR WORTH MORE TO ME THAN MY HORSES; MORE THAN GOLD OR DIAMONDS - OR METHAMPHETAMINE...SO DONT EVER LET UR BPD TELL U UR NOT WORTH SHIT, COS I LIVE FOR U

I luv this new feeling - and I'm never taking my beautiful angel for granted again

...or another promise broken?

how is it that I've gone from - before xmas - using a QUARTER-GRAM of methamphetamine a month (fairly amazing for someone whod not long ago bn on 3G/day)...and now I'm using, again, evryday?

I ended up having a bout of wat the hospital psychiatric team dubbed 'psychotic depression' (basically I felt v depressed and voices were telling me to just fucking 'do it' so I tried to, but Mum walked in on the blood, which really wasnt any big deal - she was so fast I didnt even need stitches; I guess the blood just looked dramatic so she called an ambulance)

I hadnt had the best new yrs the day before
Keira and I had broken up and I was self-medicating wiv large amounts of P - Keira spent NYE down in her part of NZ, as she was depressed, but that selfish part of me said 'wat about me? ur ditching me on NYE???'
I cant remember if we fought or not - I dont think we did cos I was pretty worried bout her, but I also had a beautiful beautiful gram bag of P that I'd scored off a random on K Rd (Aucklands red light district) for $800...steep for a G, but wen I saw the big shards I understood the reasoning

I still didnt wanna celebrate alone - and that G was to do me for...well heaven knows how long!? I already had halved a Q wiv Keira and had a decent amount of that stuff left (that was gd stuff too)
I txtd 2 BL friends - neither which has replied to me since (sumtimes, I wonder where I stand in the lives of some of my [mates?]), plus my friend May
I tantalised them all, saying P and drinks were on me - looking back I must hav reeked of desperation
I hate being alone
I esp hate being alone on nights like NYE

Somehow I got thru a G that night...how? dunno
I guess I just filled the pipe, smoked, tapped BS into this computer, wash, rinse, repeat

I stopped binging by morning, but instead of sleeping, I texted Keira...wound her up really
we broke it off
dont remember much after that except for the voices in my head then trying to kill myself

my memory leaves me there again, and I'm lying in a hospital bed - Mums being told the wounds not deep but I'm incredibly dehydrated and tachycardic and I'm asked to give a UA
I told the nurse wearily exactly wat I was on (ffs has it bn that long? has Auckland hospital forgotten me???) and she nodded and said I still had to give a mandatory UA

I was real surprised wen I got told I was staying overnight - I mean fuck, all I'd done was cut myself right? I didnt even tell them I was suicidal
I don't even remember why I was suicidal - I hated that I'd fucked up the relationship wiv Keira, but I wasn't going to kill myself cos Keira didnt want me anymore...yea she was the best gal I'd ever bn wiv, but surely there was another One for me...right???
wen I asked why they were keping me in overnight I got told I had to b psychiatrically-assessed

*panic mode*

I really downplayed it to the psych team, but I'm not a liar either
wen asked why I wanted to kill myself I said 'I dunno'
then one guy said 'does someone else want u to kill urself?'
at that point I'd bn all night still hearing those stupid voices talking bout how I needed to kill myself, how sumthing bad wud happen to someone I loved if I didnt, and besides I wasnt actually gonna go any further in life...life held no place for me
wen I put my fingers in my ears I still heard them, clear as day
and I believed, kooky as it sounds, that it was completely real
so I told the psych team casually that some ppl I heard talking that had bn following me since the yr 2010 began wanted me dead
wen asked their motives, I told them pretty much evrything
to my relief they thanked me and walked off

Mum was called not much later and the hospital said I was to b 'discharged to go to court' - thats wen I saw 2 police coming at me wiv handcuffs
I nearly passed out

turned out I wasnt 'in trouble' as such, but wen asked by the psych team earlier if I'd stay in the psych ward for awhile I said 'not over my dead body - I'm not crazy, just got the blues from breaking up wiv my gf'
they didnt tell me that if I said no I'd b facing a judge who had to listen to my whole story, which still sounded completely sane to me, handcuffed by the police wiv my friends, the CATs team surrounding me and my mum sobbing away muttering bout how 'that P really had sent me loopy finally' 8(

I was deemed unfit for society and sent for a holiday in the psych ward for 2 weeks
I barely remember much - I remember being given cupfuls of pills along wiv my methadone and wen I asked wat they were I was just told I had no choice but to swallow them
and they watched me swallow them
I vaguely remember moaning and crying and screaming in the background
and I remember constantly drooling, being unable to talk cos my mouth cudnt seem to form words, like I'd try to say 'hello' and it'd come out as 'ewwo'
I remember clearly the last few days cos thats wen they brought the doses down of wat I later found out were slow-release halperidol in pill form (the 'drooling', unable-to-talk culprit), benzos (xanax, more valium than I was already on and at night, temazepam) and amytriptyline
this was wen I realised I'd gone nuts, wen I remembered wat I'd bn convinced was happening
I briefly talked to a nice psychologist over the next few days before being released, still on amytriptyline, as, while I was no longer psychotic, I was...not exactly depressed, but not happy, even once I got back on my ADHD meds and my brain was no longer dopamine-deprived

amytriptyline, as anyone whos bn on it will know, makes u v sleepy
esp if mixed wiv drugs like diazepam and methadone
esp in ppl wiv hep C, which makes me permanently fatigued
I had no get-up-and-go - so I turned back to P
I thought 'just evry 3-4 days like wen I was wiv Keira', then I thought 'oh fuck it, Keiras not here - why not just take it as long as u hav to b on amytrip?'
so I did

I'm back wiv Keira (thank u God)
I'm off amytrip
I'm thru the acute bout I was having wiv my hep C - I was admiring how 'white' my eyes r again, round the irises, just yesterday in the mirror...a few weeks ago they were all full of yellow; wen I smoked pot my eyes actually looked 'orange' from the mix of yellow and red
I hav no excuse to use P
yet I've bn using daily since I got out of hospital

today I had a meltdown - I rang Keira and cried on the phone
wat was the meltdown about?
well I'd used the last 5 scoops left (bout half a point altogether) from various baggies I'd kept to save for a rainy day
I HAD NO P
and I feel uncomfortable with knowing I hav no P

its midnight, I'm still awake and I doubt I'll sleep for awhile but I'm not happy
yes, obviously the P is affecting me
so why rnt I happy?
I used to b euphoric for so long wen I smoked P
isnt like that anymore

this time I've promised myself that tomorrow, wen I buy another half-gram, this half is gonna last me at least a month - cant smoke daily then...esp as I'm giving Keira 1/2 - 3/4 point for herself if she wants it
to say 'thanks' for helping me score - I hate going out alone onto K'rd...its creepy; I always take a knife, but its still not 100% safe
Keira and I r both streetsmart girls - part of being streetsmart is knowing where to draw the line...and scoring alone in the red light district crosses the line from streetsmart to 'desperate junkie who doesnt care if she gets raped or murdered'
also, cos Keiras bn going thru a P-tox herself and is craving - chances r she will want sum, and only fair to give her some as while I can go wiv holding/not using while shes there, I dont think she can b round it without using it
I luv her basically and I believe if she wants P, its her choice, and since shes helping me score safely, I'll do the same for her, anytime (and I'd never leave her without if I had some and she knew it and it made her uncomfortable)

the main thing I wonder is...can I keep this promise to myself?
or am I gonna b typing another sob-story entry in less than a months time wailing bout how I'm out of P again?

the weird thing is...I'm on P rnt I? I can feel my heart pounding, my skin is itchy, I'm warm and sweaty, I feel like I cud take a crap easily even after my nightly 'done dose (TMI?) and my stomachs got that whirlagig feeling in it...all the usual feelings I get from decent methamphetamine
then why do I want more? why am I dying to load just one more pipe wiv a huge scoop of crystal, hear the crystals crackle as I melt them down, inhaling that acrid but pleasant chemical taste then watch the liquid puddle left behind turn from a clear colour to a white pool, then start all over again until that pool disappears leaving a thick mist all over the pipe...then start smoking all that mist as well? and wud it stop wiv that one scoop? or wud I keep going? shud I start using needles again since the pipe doesnt seem to b as satisfactory?

am I really a recovering methamphetamine addict? or just a methamphetamine addict?

I guess the last questions the one I worry bout the most...

I just tallied up my calendar (I wrote little bullet points beneath the numeric date on each day I used) for this past year, 2009.

The total times I used drugs, the definition switched to mean times I purchased a single quantity of drugs for consumption, even if I used that single purchase over the course of two or three days at the most (i.e.: bag of one half gram of cocaine used for two days in a row counts as ONE use). These "multiple use" series only occurred with cocaine, which I tend to dose mildly and frequently, as in a great cup of coffee (otherwise I'll become nervous, and who buys drugs to feel bad??). The number of "multiple use" occurrences is: 4

Otherwise, the number of times I used in 2009:

24 = exactly twice per month on average. The amount of times I used varied from five in a month to zero.

Overall, I'm fairly pleased by these numbers. I started out using drugs heavy with marijuana for four years straight. Then I used opiates heavy for a year, at least. Now, since my "clean date" (for my parents, drug counselor, NA crew's sake) is 3-17-08, I use opiates sporadically. I used marijuana once in 2009 in August.

Already, in 2010, I've only used once which was TODAY: marijuana. It feels great to use marijuana every once in a while. I need to abstain for at least two weeks between uses to lower my THC levels to naught for my drug screens, otherwise I'm stocked up with a potential two clean drug screens in a water bottle, ready to go, for this entire week, as a "single-use" marijuana consumption remains detectable for 1-6 days, 7 to be safe = one week. :D

Some new strains they got over at the dispensary today! Just had to share that with you al, happy toking fellow Bluelighters! Got me some Da Vinci & Purple Cotton.

...there's probably millions of people who would jump in your shoes, regardless of the problems or difficulties you think you have in life.

so why are you still feeling sorry for yourself?

why don't you just suck it up, move on and live life..

there's nothing stopping you.. nothing but yourself.

so with that in mind, why the fuck does it appear that life is such a downer at times. why does it sometimes feel like it's time to give up. give up the relentless pursuit to progress in life. i'm not talking suicide, that's ridiculous. but there are times where i feel like that if i could give my life to someone else who would appreciate it and make more of it then me, then i'd do it in a heart beat.

then i realise it's just me feeling sorry for myself, and nothing frustrates me more then the feeling of feeling sorry for myself.

just shut up and move on, is what i tell myself. but at times it takes more energy and motivation then i can create. on top of that, the only person i share my true feelings with, is myself. i've always been that kind of person that never really opened up to anyone, not my parents, not my brother, and very little to even my best friend.

it's not like i sit at home all day feeling sorry for myself. i have made tough decisions in the past with the aim to progress, to do something about it. progress where/how exactly, i'm not sure.. i guess happiness. happiness is when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face without even thinking or trying.

my tough decision was moving half way around the world to live in a place i knew no one, and attempt to create a new life. that life included being someone different, someone i wanted to be & be proud of... not the miserable cunt who felt sorry for himself, thinking the world owed him something.

i managed a year there, sure it was a good experience i guess, did a little travel, but now 1 year later i'm back and it seems like nothing's changed. still feels like i'm 'stuck' and going no where..

but the one belief i try and pride myself on is that; you always have at least two choices in life, regardless what it is.. you can either except it for what it is, or do something about it in attempt to change it. and as hard as it may seem at times, God help me, i'm gonna die tryin'.

I arrived in Phnom Penh last Saturday, following a 32 hour journey from London by Car, Train, Planes, Motorcycle and Tuk-Tuk.

Over the past month or two, I sold off my cars, my tools and shipped most of my books and stuff for keeps to Ireland to be stored in my brother's attic.

I moved from my house, stayed in a hostel for three weeks before visiting my family in Ireland for about ten days, getting back to London on the 3rd to get my stuff out of storage and leave for Asia last Friday.

I had about 25kg overweight on my luggage as I brought my summer clothes, my computer, external HDD, keyboard, guitar and about 30kg in text books and one or two choice novels. Luckily I was able to sneak the excess on as hand-luggage.

Flew London-Bombay, changed planes there and got to bangkok 24 hours after I left London, on account of the time and date lines being crossed. Then on to Bangkok where I had a long-ass 7 hour layover before I caught my connecting flight to Phnom Penh.

The weather is a balmy 25-35c most days, it being the "cool" season here, with a nice breeze.

I'm living in a Khmer Guesthouse near the Olympic stadium and might stay here for a while. It's good value, friendly, secure and has a mean roof terrace.

Since monday I have been training with a company operating on the campus of the main Uni. Classes are 9-5 everyday, except today where we had an exam and an early finish.

I was out with my classmates last night, who are a real hodge-podge of Americans from various states and backgrounds, another Irish, a Chinese-Irish-Scot, an english, an aussie and a few others.

We were drinking in this nice little bar down a dark alley in a crazy part of a crazy city, had some good food and wandered up the river at 1am to buy $20 worth of MJ. $20 gets you about three ounces of the good stuff here

Had a smoke with the group on the banks of the Mekong before hitting a new bar where I got locked into this courtship and whisky drinking scene with a pretty american, who I'm hooking up with later.

Back home at 4am, passed out, up at 8am, drank water, took a diaz, went and did my exam and I got the whole weekend ahead of myself.

Life's good:D

Thanks for the responses, it was rather reassuring seeing that someone took the time to read my previous blog and make a comment, so thank you.

Right it’s the 13th Jan the day after the anniversary of my mum dying. I went to see my dad and sisters last night who had a good day together doing a bit of shopping and lunch and appeared quite happy which was nice to see.
I didn’t buy any flowers or go to my mums grave as I’d planned to, but as was said previously I’ll go when I’m ready, one day soon.
Generally I’m feeling good and am content that yesterday and this last week wasn’t as stressful as I may have been thinking it would be, yeah I’m feeling good…

Even though some things in my life have been looking up lately I keep finding myself in these really dark places in my head.
Small things are building up into shit i'm not able to handle and the one year date of losing my husband is only a few days away. It just seems like for every small good thing that happens two bad things take it's place.
I don't have a clue where I should be going now it feels like i'm wasting my time by waiting.

ridiculously of course being after 2am.

I'll tell you why, because no-one is posting in the lounge. that's why, so I get bored.

since I've been out of work I can't seem to get to sleep until 4 or 5 if I'm alone, and 2 or 3 when I'm at her house. and only that early cause she's gotta wake up early so I turn off the TV and force myself to.

ahhh...fuckit right? go with the flow and all that?

at least I'm starting a new job on tuesday. who knows what will come of it, its under the table, cash on friday afternoon. 8 bucks an hour though not sure if I like that. I'm gonna have to bust ass to make sure dude gives me a raise ASAP. I'm pretty good at painting. and apartments are fucking cake. paint over everything, don't even bother with the switch plates and socket plates. fuckit just roll on over'em. speed is the key, I've gotta get past my (srsly) minor ocd and just let it go. I always try to do a "good job" that's been my downfall in these redneck fucking jobs. they're all about speed and putting out work, its never about quality and I'm a quality man. I'd rather get done two units done perfectly than 4 units done looking like a retard with a headwound did it. but that's me, and I'm not paying me. so quick it is.

in other news, mom found out I did what I did. (no I'm not going to write about it cause I'm fucking ashamed) and fucking flipped. and she had every right to, cause it was low and shady of me and I'm fucking better than that. so I'll fix it, and work on myself and get better. that's what I need to do so I'll do it. but as for now I'm staying at my ol' ladys (haha that sounds so chauvinistic, but I mean it with every bit of love I have. which is a lot.) to keep mom and the step-dad happy. and to avoid confrontation, and she loves to put me in situations I don't wanna be in as far as that goes. so it works for both of us.

ok, so I'm just about done with this for tonight... maybe an update sometime in the future. like someones out there hanging on every post I make lol "OMG what's dP doing today?! SHIT he still hasn't updated his blog?!" haha that makes me laugh in my head...

30/11/05 (Age 21) NO USE DENYING IT, BUT DO I REALLY WANT ANY OTHER LIFE?
Life sucks, the world sucks. I suck. I couldn't get off to sleep last night and I ached all over, then I got to thinking about how it was going to be impossible going to rally tonight with quite obvious drug withdrawals. In the end I somehow managed to twist my mind into reasoning that maybe just a bit of meth - and enough heroin to keep me straight as well - just enough to stop the withdrawals without making me bounce off the walls, I could relax and ride, but now I realise it's ridiculous to think with my tolerance that that was a wise idea. After shooting one of those pre-loaded 5ml syringes of smack I always load when I'm well, I shot a gram and a half of that P I cooked up last week, then went on the internet, sure to sneak off to bed when Mum arose.
Then I drove down to Tilly's place and helped her school Boris and Bailey. Tilly is the most successful person I know as far as getting off the P. She was amazed I'd gone so long, saying you can't do it without rehab - or a wopping dose of opiates. Well, admittedly I'm going all-out on the opiates - but it's just enough to keep me well. I don't think Tilly knows I'm a junkie.
Rehab doesn't like medicinal pot-smokers - and I don't like rehab. Well I hated Odyssey and the Bridge.
All very well for Tilly to talk about rehab - she went to Capri. Capri sounds almost fun; a holiday full of massages and spas and wonderful detoxing chemicals, all with the famous people. I guess there's the usual psycho-babble among the other poor buggers who happen to like their drugs and booze a bit too much. Then, behind the counsellors' backs, sharing drool stories about the crack we've encountered, exchanging 'decent gear' numbers. Hey, I met Michele in Odyssey - she's a good back-up for smack. If you call that shit smack.
Capri must be much more fun than sitting alone, trying not to make a run for my dealer (oh Baggsy I love you), and turning to cooking it with the Whitetails when I'm desperate.
All my Sandringham friends are so nearby, burning it up without me. Don't they understand? They can't smoke meth without me, I'm their tweaker wench, and I have to be there to get a good tweak - I smoked that shit before they knew what it was, half of them.
So, okay, nearly a day off it again now. Still using smack. I'm not tweaking out though; I stayed with that gram and a half (I donated the rest of my P to Joseph, who kissed my feet practically), came down later, had a major fight with Mum, who knew I'd been on the P and was telling me how much I couldn't give it up and had no hope for my future (oh so helpful), so my comedown was enhanced, as far as the loss of confidence goes. I didn't ride tonight at rally.
I am so confident after imbibing meth that I suppose I don't realise how much I'm not really a very confident person, naturally until I come down, and that depresses me.
Meth depresses me - someone, who wrote into Switched on Gardener singing praises for StoP (worked sort of for me once but once I got through popping them like candy I just slammed more P), was saying that being hooked on P is like living in a dark hole, being sucked deeper and deeper into the hole with every point. That someone summed it up well. I hate P - I still doubt last night was my last hit ever.
Got to not think about it. This hate of it is better. I don't want to be your slave, P, fuck off will you? I wish the nearby places I know of would close down, especially Joe's dad and Baggsy. I wish I didn't know how to cook it. I wish the friends I have who are tweakers would all give up with me. Alisha and Ben are going great guns - they've been at least 12 days; no amphetamines in the blood. Amazing. Opiates too - I couldn't stop shooting smack if I wanted too, and I don't want to as it keeps me mentally well and I think I'm best to tackle one drug at a time.
I know I shoot too much smack though - mainly because I get all spun out from the P comedowns and it makes me calmer - and ohhh the euphoria! I think if I try to shoot less smack while I'm going through the P detox I'll go psychotic (hey it is a symptom of withdrawal) but once I'm officially P-free and not craving it like water then maybe I'll go through the dreaded heroin withdrawal I know I have to face sooner or later - not like I don't have weed and Immodium - and benzos aren't hard to come by.
Maybe oneday I'll even be considered not a drug addict but a recreational occasional drug user and a medicinal marijuana 'patient' (bloody government).
Gets a bit more respect than being a drug addict - people give me dirty looks when they know I take P. It's sort of obvious from the way I look, that I take P. I hate that and I can't wait to look like I'm not taking P. Will that happen? I hope so. Or do I?

NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THE NAMES OF PEOPLE/GANGS NAMED MAY BE ALIASES
- Tilly was my friend, who'd attended Te Atatu Pony Club with me, then moved away, round about the time I was asked to leave that Pony Club (at 21 I was attending Massey Pony Club)
- Boris was Tilly's stroppy young pintaloosa horse (pintaloosa is a cross between a pinto - a patchy horse - and an appaloosa - a spotty horse) who was known for his bucking fits, but was an amazing jumper, gd dressage horse and looked flashy in the show ring due to his colour so I encouraged Tilly to keep working with him
- Bailey was Tilly's brother's young pinto who had a rearing problem; I was being paid by Tilly's rich mum to reschool him, and he turned out to be a topping jumper who didnt dare rear wiv me...problem was Tilly's bro was too nervous for a young pony like him, and he sensed it
- Odyssey House is a rehab that works via heavy disciplinary methods
- The Bridge is a rehab run by the Salvation Army, working partly on 12-step methods, partly on church philosophies
- Capri Clinic is a private rehab here where all the rich and famous go (plus various friends of mine)
- 'crack' is another NZ term for pure methamphetamine (we don't have crack cocaine) named cos of the crackling sound it makes when melted down in the pipe
- Michele was one of my ex black tar heroin dealers
- Baggsy was one of my old dealers of various drugs including opiates and P
- the Whitetails are a local ethnic gang, specialising in manufacturing P, selling hot gear and pimping; many of my friends were in this gang as it's a local one, and I cooked for them, distributed/dealed for them, helped break into pharmacies for them, and was one of their working girls
- Sandringham was the suburb I lived in at that stage; your average mostly-government-housing area, full of crime and drugs
- Joseph (Joe) was a Whitetail mate
- rally is part of being at a pony club; you turn up to rallies dressed in uniform, your horse groomed immaculately, and are given group instruction
- Switched on Gardener is a store that sells hydroponic equipment and doubles as a headshop
- StoP was a supplement that aided many people with P withdrawals; its been taken off the shelves as it's seen by the new drug minister fuckwit as 'endorsing P use'
- Alisha is my ex; we'd just broken up at this stage and were still mates, but she really wanted to be off P more than I did
- Ben was Alisha's bf at the time; secretly he hated my guts apparently

Geeze, I'm nervous but excited at the same time :D Will be tripping at home with a mate who is experienced in psychedelics so should have a good time

Been scourging through Bluelight for information on tripping and so forth, and as per usual it has helped me

Have got everything sorted out, and will post a trip report on Sunday when i will be chilling.

Wish me luck

Those of you who have my cell phone #, it will be not working until after the 20th of this month, and possibily the end of the month. I can still be reached at home, if grump answers, don;t hang up just ASK for me.

This has been a public service annoucement by me. lol.

Im doing great and feeling awesome. I am planning on being offline on all sites and services until possibily monday and only checking email twice a day (morning and night).

Hope all my friends online and offline are all well and hanging in there and being good


p.s. If anyone is volunteering in Haiti, god bless you and stay safe!

Today is Day 5 for me being clean. I feel good!

I'm very excited about my upcoming classes (I hope they aren't too hard!)

When I get my degree someday I plan to work in a rehab or perhaps a free clinic.

Who knows what the future holds? I know it will be positive as long as I stay away from the garbage.

Last night I went to bed at about 10:30 and woke up at 2:00 am. I absolutely could not get back to sleep and went to work at 11:00 am to 7:00 pm.

I am TIRED (and old)!!!!!! Shit, I used to be able to hang with little or no sleep.

Where's that fountain of youth?

Is anybody familiar with the strains Stickie Haze and Harry pot head

Today is Tuesday, January 12th, 2010 and it is now 1:41 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

Continuing from my previous entry...

My eldest son and I flew to Brunei, via Hong Kong. Like most Israeli-Jewish males he served a mandatory 3 years of Active Duty in the IDF. Unlike me, he is Golani (there are 4 Infantry Birgades: I) NACHAL, which is mine, II) Givati, III) K'fir and IV) Golani. A 5th brigade used as Infantry, is Tzanchanim (Paratroopers).

Golani, or Golanchiks as the soldiers in that Brigade are called are held in high regard. My 2nd son is also a Golanchik, but in a Special Forces element. Unlike my eldest, my 2nd is a pro as I was, meaning he is a career soldier (indeed it looks as though my daughter will be as well).

When men do 3 years Active Duty (4 for Navy), then get out at age 21 (usually) and have 8 to 10 months before they have to report back for their 1st round of Reserve Duty (30 to 45 days per year depending upon rank). That 8 to 10 month interval is used for soul searching and/or wild partying. We usually call it "Walkabout" in English.

In the West, you usually graduate HS at 18, then go off to university in 3 months. In Israel, at age 16 you go to a 1 week long Introductory Bootcamp called "Gasdar."Even retarded kids get to spend a bit of time and fire an M16. For so called "normal" youth, it is like a "tryout," where officers evaluate potential stock.

When you graduate, you have the summer off and then you must report for Induction, "Bakum." For 3 years the IDF owns you night and day. After those 3 years, they still own you until age 45 (was age 56 until 2007). Some who turn pro, like me, and have accumulated enough combat time (I have 4 wars) can retire at 40.

After Walkabout you begin your university. Israel has the highest per capita of university degrees of any nation in the world.

My eldest son though will not be going to university, at least not in the foreseeable future since he married while still on Active Duty. Already wit his 2nd child (my 2nd grandchild), he badly needed a good job. In a country with so much higher education it is difficult to find decent employment with just a HS education. For this reason I accompanied him to meet with an old mate of mine in Brunei.

The seas around the southern Philippines and eastern Indonesia are home to many ethnicities whose main livelihood is piracy. My mate is the CEO of 2 foreign owned companies who supply gunmen aboard ship, offering an armed escort.

He is actually based in Jakarta but we agreed to meet in Brunei's capital, Banda.

Stopping in Hong Kong we wet to my fabourite tailor, Ascot Chang. Although Chang has stores in Manhattan and London, Hong Kong is fhs flagship store. I treated my son to his 1st suit (In Israel men rarely, if ever wear suits.

In Brunei we spent 2 days seeing the very few sites and had a good meeting. My son will be heading to Aceh (Indonesia) in Feburary.

We flew back to Hong Kong where we switched to our respective flights, he to Tel Aviv and me to New York City/

Western New Year not observed by traditional Jews. I spent mine IMing to someone whom I will not discuss yet and that is the extent of my fabulous New Years' celebrations

the last time i saw my friend marc, we were in jail. he was about to start a year prison sentence. god, i wish that wasn't the last place i saw him. he was out of it. like he didn't even know me. now he's gone. 23 fucking years old. goddamnit. i fucking hope to god it wasn't his mom that walked in and found him like that. she has been thru too much with both of her sons to walk in to something like that. fuck! i love you man

I’ve not written a blog before but thought I’d give it a go, I guess I’m leaving myself wide open here, so here goes.
My mum died of cancer 12 months ago tomorrow (12th Jan 10). My two sisters and father are all going for a nice walk around town tomorrow to take their minds of the event, I have to work. To date I have never been to her grave which hurts, really hurts cos I think I want to but can’t if that makes sense. I feel frustrated, lonely and miss her so much. My profession and training keeps telling me I should practice what I preach but refuse to almost like I’m trying to punish myself.

So why am I writing this, I guess I’m looking for answers and hoping by doing this the penny will drop and I’ll find the strength to move on. Also I guess this will be something to look back on if it’s still on here this time next year, I’ll be able to see how far I’ve come.

If anyone reads this then thanks, if not, well I seem to have got it off my chest which has to be a positive thing.

I heard of this nasty shit called jenkem. ANyone knows if kids are rlly doin this shit. FAKE OR FORREAL?