01/23/10 6:06 PM
compulsive - irresistible impulse
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
impulse
1. sudden inclination to do something.
2. driving force
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
Not so much anymore. Typically, if the thought is born from anger, I 'act out' in my head what I would like to do. This usually snowballs into obsessive thoughts that become more and more unrealistic or fantastical. These thoughts (the ones inspired by anger) are very detailed and intelligent plans that involve manipulation in an attempt to gain control (power?) in situations that I have no control/power over.
Many times, these situations have the common theme of being unsure if I should follow through with them simply because, even though I have no real control, I can have an effect/impact on the actions (or players) that catalyzed the initial thought. A sort of vengeance, I suppose? A 'fuck with me, this is what happens' mentality? Definitely.
01/23/10 7:01 PM
As I think about this question I need to say that I have had thoughts of using lately. More than I usually do. I understand that this is normal and I handle them well. I've learned how to separate the thought from the action.
When these thoughts hit me, sometimes I have a physical reaction in the form of shaking my head (as if there was a bee on me) or making a grunting sound. When I think of everything involved in getting high (spending money when there is NEVER enough money, making the drive to the city, acquiring needles, getting coke [and of course heroin weed and alcohol to make the relapse complete and worthwhile], the drive home, the feelings of worthlessness and failure, the throwing away of all the hard work and things I've been through up to this point). Thinking of all of this actually makes me sick and it disgusts me.
I remember in the beginning, when the obsession was hardcore, I only thought of the ritual of preparing a shot, filling the needle with blood, pushing down the plunger and the immediate rush that followed. That's pretty much all I thought of. I didn't follow it all the way through (the comedown, the depression, the disappointment).
At this moment, I can't really think of other ways I behave compulsively but will add more at a later time/date when I can define accurately how I do behave compulsively.
compulsive - irresistible impulse
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
impulse
1. sudden inclination to do something.
2. driving force
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
Not so much anymore. Typically, if the thought is born from anger, I 'act out' in my head what I would like to do. This usually snowballs into obsessive thoughts that become more and more unrealistic or fantastical. These thoughts (the ones inspired by anger) are very detailed and intelligent plans that involve manipulation in an attempt to gain control (power?) in situations that I have no control/power over.
Many times, these situations have the common theme of being unsure if I should follow through with them simply because, even though I have no real control, I can have an effect/impact on the actions (or players) that catalyzed the initial thought. A sort of vengeance, I suppose? A 'fuck with me, this is what happens' mentality? Definitely.
01/23/10 7:01 PM
As I think about this question I need to say that I have had thoughts of using lately. More than I usually do. I understand that this is normal and I handle them well. I've learned how to separate the thought from the action.
When these thoughts hit me, sometimes I have a physical reaction in the form of shaking my head (as if there was a bee on me) or making a grunting sound. When I think of everything involved in getting high (spending money when there is NEVER enough money, making the drive to the city, acquiring needles, getting coke [and of course heroin weed and alcohol to make the relapse complete and worthwhile], the drive home, the feelings of worthlessness and failure, the throwing away of all the hard work and things I've been through up to this point). Thinking of all of this actually makes me sick and it disgusts me.
I remember in the beginning, when the obsession was hardcore, I only thought of the ritual of preparing a shot, filling the needle with blood, pushing down the plunger and the immediate rush that followed. That's pretty much all I thought of. I didn't follow it all the way through (the comedown, the depression, the disappointment).
At this moment, I can't really think of other ways I behave compulsively but will add more at a later time/date when I can define accurately how I do behave compulsively.
