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I can barely stand to look at myself right now. Eating out of a carton of ice cream. One of the few comforts I can find right now. I'm bored. There is almost nothing in this house that needs one. Well not that I would really care to do, nothing that he would notice done or that I am able to do. Guess I can't fuck shit up if I'm not doign anything.

So turn off the light and crawl into bed. I only woke up 4 hours ago. Pitch black now in here, night. What is there other than to sleep? Put more applications in for a job? I think I'll wait and see if this first one goes through. It has to.

Shit, I wonder if there will be a drug test! Great, all the stuff I can LEGALLY take is gone and all the other shit and plans I have that aren't legal, I have no idea if they will test for it or how long it will be in my system. Means research, and I'm already a daily pot smoker...at least.

And I KNOW they will test for that. I won't go on my soap box there... It helps keep me stable.

Would be easier to diet without weed for sure! Not that I am at the moment, but it one of the hardest ways for me to torture myself in the sick twisted way I do cause I hate myself. Have since I can remember (although strangely improving). Have something to replace the cutting. Had to stop that one.. Tony wouldn't even notice the not eating, hmm and I'd save money on food cause the weed binges. I've eaten enough for my usual week, tonight.

I guess I'll talk to him when he gets home. He usually has to hide drugs from me (apparently I have no willpower) But weed is always around anyway. Maybe if I don't go into his work and drink more I guess. Uh my body hates alcohol and I hate it and the money for alcohol...

As tony said last night "Don't fuck this up." An opportunity like this will not come around a 2nd time.

The question also is, can I be an adult? I suck at it. 20 hours a week, a relationship to maintain, desire for friends, a house to take care of, full time school.
Shit, I had half an extra week to get my homework done. Thank god for the snow storn canceling class so maybe I can get my act together...I won't.

So I guess I'm going to lay here in the dark and think about how much I suck until I fall asleep. Then when Tony comes home, be bored cause I doubt if he will want me helping on his workshop in the basement project cause I always seem to fuck it up. Then take some Ambien and Seroquel so I can sleep the same time he wants to go to bed, only to wake up and drive him to work and do it all over again...

Something I thought up today...

Man, this is the best thing ever! I feel on top of the world!

Energy's running low. I need another hit to get through the day.

This is really starting to fuck with my life. Maybe I should quit? I dunno.

Hate myself... my life is ruined.

I just moved to Memphis tn and I was wondering if anyone knew where to get some dope at?

Isn't it weird how some songs seem to totally match your mood at times? It's almost like you could have written the lyrics yourself. Suicide Hotline by Insane Clown Posse pretty much sums up my situation at the moment...

Youtube link (warning: triggering)

The only difference is that I don't have a gun.

I haven't been on here in forever. My life has been turned completely upside down.

I was so sick with bipolar, I did so many horrible things. I left my husband, sold everything in our house, and left with another man.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I went to a psych ward, and then to a rehab in Texas. I actually miss the people at the rehab, I wish I could go back.

After rehab, I had to go live with a licensed drug counselor. That really sucked, but my mom wouldn't let me come home.

After a few months there, the counselor called my mom and told her if I didn't come home, I was going to die. I had tried to kill myself twice while I was there.

So, on Christmas, my mom brought me back home. Back to Ohio. She and I didn't get along at first, but we're doing better now.

I was served with divorce papers this week. I'm going to have to go to legal aid to get a lawyer. I don't want a divorce, but I have no choice. I hurt my husband too much for him to forgive me.

Then, today, I did something really stupid. My mom had told me that my husband posted new pictures of my kids (who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost 7 months now) on his Facebook. So I got a picture of one of my husband's friends, and created a fake facebook account and became friends with my husband.

I was looking at his page, and I discovered he had a girlfriend. I wanted to smash the computer. I've been crying for hours now. I wanted him to be as lonely and miserable as I am, and now I find out that he's fucking some bitch. I am beyond heartbroken. I can't stand this.

I don't think I've ever been as suicidal as I am right now. I want to kill him, then myself.

I hate life.

It's been a little while since I last wrote, and I have some fabulous news: I am seriously taking myself OFF JUNK. I had my first meeting at a holistic substance abuse center today. I'll be attending outpatient groups three nights a week and seeing a doctor who will prescribe me Suboxone. This is the first baby step of many, but it feels so unbelievably good to take! After months of being a slave to dope I am finally getting help. I really lucked out, as my insurance will pay for 60 visits and cover 100% of the costs. That gives me well over four months of free outpatient therapy, plenty of time to get my shit together.

I haven't done dope in two days, but to stave off withdrawal I took 20mg of methadone yesterday and another 20mg today. I don't want to be on methadone any longer than I have to; it all depends on when I can start Suboxone. I know I have to be in a state of moderate opiate withdrawal for Suboxone to work, so I have to work out the timing carefully. Any sort of opiate withdrawal must take place over a weekend, so I can avoid going into work as a sleepless, feverish, sneezing, shivering, shitting dope fiend.

Despite the downward spiral of the past four months, I feel very positive right now. If I can get through this, I'll be an immensely stronger, wiser person for it. I just hope my boyfriend can commit to this change with me, otherwise our relationship probably won't make it. This may very well be the bridge by which I transition to the rest of my adult life, but I think I'm ready. I just have to make sure I burn the bridge behind me.

There is so much on my mind and i'm having the hardest time putting it into words..
Maybe thats a hint that it's best left inside.

I can't sleep..curled up on the floor holding my knees for almost an hour in the dark and I just stayed up in my head. There was shit I really wanted to talk to someone about and I don't know if they forgot or if they just blew me off and no i'm picking it apart. Along with every flaw I can find with myself. Right now my blade looks so comforting..

Just for today broken down into just for the hour, just for five minutes.


*On hindsight i'm prolly just putting way too much thought into this

I try not to think about the current situation I'm in, I try to forget about the debit, the bills, the cravings, the family, and the shit hole that is “my life”. But of course it isn't that easy just to not think about shit. We always have reminders of how shitty life was, is, and if things don't change, will continue to be. Whether those reminders be scars from a nasty habit we picked up in the alley's downtown, the restaurant your family ate at when you were a kid, or even something as simple as the bills we get every month. Whatever it is, life sure as hell don't let us forget the places we have come from and where we stand in the present. But I don't need anymore reminders...life has made it's point pretty clear to me, I'm not cut out for it. I owe more money then I will ever have in my pocket (at least for many years to come), my heroin use has left me mentally and physically fucked up to the point where I can't even live a normal life anymore (hopefully as my journey with sobriety progresses this will change).

Maybe this new year will be different, who knows.

I just don't even know what to do, one of my situation's I got myself in right now is my camera in the pawn shop. I had to pawn it a little bit ago because I been :kicking up dirt" and am not proud of it, but now I have to go pay $350 to get it out or pay $100 to extend it another month and then pay the other $300 to get it out when I can afford it. In an effort to try and make a little bit more money for the sole reason of paying off my bills I applied for some temp work doing census shit for my state. Hopefully I get it so I can pay most of this shit off and then finally my life will start to progress, but till then my life is at a shitty stand still.

I just want to be out of this hole before the stress triggers a relapse.

It has before so I know it can again.

It was a bad pattern for me for a long time that when ever I missed a meeting I ended up fucking up in one way or another. I sat staring at a bottle and a blade last night for..shit I don't know how long. I am proud to say that I did the right thing.
I could have made the effort, I could have walked or called people for a ride but I wanted a reason to not go lately I've been looking for a way out. I don't know if it's that I don't believe this can save me or if it's that i'm not worth saving.
I find it so hard to put my trust into people but on the other hand I so badly need someone I know will be there no matter what.
I feel like i'm alone in this..

01/23/10 6:06 PM

compulsive - irresistible impulse
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

impulse
1. sudden inclination to do something.
2. driving force
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

Not so much anymore. Typically, if the thought is born from anger, I 'act out' in my head what I would like to do. This usually snowballs into obsessive thoughts that become more and more unrealistic or fantastical. These thoughts (the ones inspired by anger) are very detailed and intelligent plans that involve manipulation in an attempt to gain control (power?) in situations that I have no control/power over.

Many times, these situations have the common theme of being unsure if I should follow through with them simply because, even though I have no real control, I can have an effect/impact on the actions (or players) that catalyzed the initial thought. A sort of vengeance, I suppose? A 'fuck with me, this is what happens' mentality? Definitely.

01/23/10 7:01 PM

As I think about this question I need to say that I have had thoughts of using lately. More than I usually do. I understand that this is normal and I handle them well. I've learned how to separate the thought from the action.

When these thoughts hit me, sometimes I have a physical reaction in the form of shaking my head (as if there was a bee on me) or making a grunting sound. When I think of everything involved in getting high (spending money when there is NEVER enough money, making the drive to the city, acquiring needles, getting coke [and of course heroin weed and alcohol to make the relapse complete and worthwhile], the drive home, the feelings of worthlessness and failure, the throwing away of all the hard work and things I've been through up to this point). Thinking of all of this actually makes me sick and it disgusts me.

I remember in the beginning, when the obsession was hardcore, I only thought of the ritual of preparing a shot, filling the needle with blood, pushing down the plunger and the immediate rush that followed. That's pretty much all I thought of. I didn't follow it all the way through (the comedown, the depression, the disappointment).

At this moment, I can't really think of other ways I behave compulsively but will add more at a later time/date when I can define accurately how I do behave compulsively.

*** copied from old BL journal ***

I met with a health insurance broker. Signed everything for what's called an HMO 20 plan and it looks like my coverage will begin on October 1st. I read through the pamphlet and everything looked fine. I came home and hopped online to verify that there was mental health coverage. There is none.

All I really wanted to do was see a therapist but now thats going to be delayed 30+ days. I'll just have to toughen up and deal with shit. The only problem is that I don't deal with things in a healthy manner. I want to learn but, shit, I need MORE than what the 12 step programs offer.

I gotta tell ya, the US is a piece of shit country.

Aetna HMO 20


Details at a Glance

* Plan Type
* HMO
* Office Visit for Primary Doctor
* $20 Copay
* Office Visit for Specialist
* $35 Copay
* Coinsurance
* None
* Separate Prescription Drugs Deductible
* $250 Individual
$750 Family
* Prescription Drugs
* Generic: $15 Copay
*
* Brand: $25 Copay
*
* Non-Formulary: $35 Copay
* Health Savings Account (HSA) Eligible
* No
* Out-of-Network Coverage
* No
* Out of Country Coverage
* Yes. Paid as out-of-network benefits

Physicians

* Primary Care Physician (PCP) Required
* Yes
* Specialist Referrals Required
* Yes

Preventive Care Coverage

* Periodic Health Exam
* $20 Copay
* Periodic OB-GYN Exam
* $30 Copay
* Well Baby Care
* $20 Copay, Age and frequency schedule apply

Prescription Drug Coverage

* Generic Prescription Drugs
* $15 Copay
* Brand Prescription Drugs
* $25 Copay
* Non-Formulary Prescription Drugs Coverage
* $35 Copay
* Mail Order for Prescription Drugs
* Generic: $15 Copay
*
* Brand: $25 Copay
*
* Non-Formulary: $35 Copay
*
* Days Supply: 30-60
* Separate Prescription Drugs Deductible
* $250 Individual
$750 Family

Hospital Services Coverage

* Emergency Room
* $150 Copay
* Outpatient Lab/X-Ray
* $30 Copay
* Outpatient Surgery
* $400 Copay
* Hospitalization
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission

Maternity Coverage

* Pre & Postnatal Office Visit
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission
* Labor & Delivery Hospital Stay
* $450 Copay Per Day, up to 5- day maximum Per Admission

Additional Coverage

* Chiropractic Coverage
* $30 per visit. Limitation: treatment over a 60 consecutive date period per incident of illness or injury beginning with the first day of treatment. Chiropractic care only covered through natural alternatives.
* Mental Health Coverage
* Not Covered

Additional Information

* A.M. Best Rating
* A as of 06/16/2008
* Electronic Signature for Application Available
* Yes
* Will insurance company obtain and pay for medical records?
* Yes
* Additional information about this health insurance plan is available in the documents below.
Plan Brochure
Exclusions and Limitations

Just wanted to let you all know I've started a small horror b-movie site over at Scream Or Die - any comments or requests are greatly appreciated

life has its ups and its downs

the past few weeks have been a blur of ups, a blur of good times, of new friends, of new found self confidence, of everything good in life.

then in a blink of an eye, i'm right back to feeling the way i felt before.

am i destined to feel this way forever? to experience something good, to wish it could change my life, change my perception of my life, and then for it to come crashing down once again?

again i am leaving, this time for different reasons, and still in some ways the same - to escape. the past months have been about escape, escape from reality, from the bitter truth of whats happened.

when will i face whats become of my life, the person i have become and the new paths which i have chosen? When will i accept reality, instead of finding every single way to avoid it?

I will enter therapy soon i think. i dont know if i qualify at all. my problems seem so trivial compared to some of the things people i know have been through, i feel like i dont deserve the help, that this should be something a normal person can deal with by themselves.

i feel selfish.

And I want to write in it.

I've been thinking of not even really logging onto Bluelight anymore. I used to get almost a high from being on Bluelight and the sense of community there was. Now I just feel like I don't belong. Is this what it is to become jaded?

I just feel not welcome, kind of forgotten, and vulnerable here now. It makes me sad, but I guess all good things do come to an end and change was inevitable. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time though.

I'm not leaving cause no one ever really does, but sometimes I think I just should.

Woke up this morning
Needed to talk
Picked up the phone and started to call
And that’s when it hit me
That you were gone

So many questions
Things they’ve been said
So much confusion
Going around in my head
And so many reasons that just
Don’t’ make sense

I try to carry on
But something’s missing inside
I just want to know if you’re fine
Show me some kind of sign

Do you still hear me
When I call your name
Are you with me when I loose my way
When it gets hard let me know what to do
Oh Yeah

You always told me that you'll never go
I need you to show me that I’m not alone
Do you still hear me when I sing for you
Show me you do

How do I start to
Make sense of what’s left

Still carry the memory of you
In my head
And I’m just not ready to let you
Go yet
Oh No

But I know you’re proud of
The woman that I am
I know you’d want me
To go on ahead
And I give it all just to see you again.

I try to carry on
But something’s missing inside
I just want to know if you’re fine
Show me some kind of sign

Do you still hear me
When I call your name
Are you with me when I loose my way
When it gets hard let me know what to do
Oh Yeah

You always told me that you'll never go
I need you to show me that I’m not alone
Do you still hear me when I sing for you
Show me you do

-Elliott Yamin
---------------------------------------------------------------

I know that I'll see you someday
Oh someday
I will see you again
Until then
baby I will cry but I will try
to carry on
without you here at my side

I don't understand
understand why you hide.

Am I that scary
that scary to you?
Did I get too close
and scare you away?

Just know that I love you
and I always will
and a space in my heart that
no one else will ever fill.

Until then
Someday.

I hope to see you again
someday
I hope to hug you again
someday
I hope to kiss you again
someday
I hope to see you smile again
someday

Oh how I hate someday
and wish it was TOday
but I guess I'll have to settle for....

Someday.

-My words based upon Elliott Yamin's song Someday

would a small bottle of wine and 1 bottle of mikes hard lemonade get me drunk

I never thought it would happen, especially after cheating on her... twice... and getting caught... but I love my roommate more than I have ever loved any girl. We have been living together for one year now, and we just signed another lease on our apartment and may even move into her rental property. She turns 30 in about 6 months, and I am 25. She has been so patient with me. So patient. I was unemployed for a while and she kept me in good fashion with a nice place and nice car when I couldn't afford the payments, but that is not why I love her. I love her because she loves me despite my flaws. It really is that simple. She doesn't mind that I am skinny, and we are finally at the point sexually where we are truly comfortable and know how to pleasure each other in bed. I'll admit, it was a few months before I knew how to for sure giver her an orgasm. Having sex with her is quite a work out. First she likes it really slow and her pussy gets so wet when I rub my cock all over the outside and then put it in. Then she likes it gradually faster until I am really fucking her hard and fast. When I am doing this, she says "Make me your bitch" verbatim. Maybe it's not right, but I get really turned on when she just keeps wanting it harder and faster and harder again. If my dick was bigger I'm sure it would hurt - you should really see a video of how fast and hard we fuck; it is almost obscene. And she loves to suck my cock and loves to watch me come. She almost always makes me come to the point where I hit my shoulder on accident. And I love to eat her pussy, too. There was one week where I couldn't fuck because we had fucked too much and I had worn the skin off of my dick, so I would wake her up in the morning by eating her pussy for an hour. She loves it and isn't afraid to ask for it while we're watching TV or when I'm busy on the computer.

My family really likes her, and although I don't really care about this it's a nice perk. I can use my girlfriend (Jesus, I have a girlfriend who I live with and there isn't any relationship-ending drama! Unbelievable considering my track record) as an excuse to get out of Sunday lunches, or I can bring her along to do all of the talking.

There is only one problem: she doesn't believe in abortion and I absolutely hate using condoms because they fucking smell like shit and ruin sex. I don't even kno

Shit here she come now. I am going to take off her clothes and just suck on her pussy for a half hour until she is just begging penetration.

another fucking blog to bitch about what i cant help. another fucking time that this is the only way for me to get what's inside out. everyone's sick of hearing me bitch about it. nobody wants to hear the same thing over and over. people say i should just accept this for how it is. people grow up without fathers all the time. what makes this situation so important? BECAUSE IT'S MALAURA'S FUCKING SITUATION AND I DONT DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLES SHIT. fuck everyone saying that other people have issues and that malaura's isnt new.

i know i get all bent out of shape because of my dad. that i take this personally because i miss mine but i dot give a shit. i know how important a father is. i know how much it hurts when he's not there. but what i dont know is how much it hurts to know that he's not there because he just doesnt want to be. i cant imagine how horrible and rejected she must feel on account of that. it makes me sick. my only hope is that she doesnt make that connection. i tell her he loves her and that he misses her, that he's working really hard and it's hard for him to pick her up. i have to lie to my daughter to protect her feelings. i have to lie to my daughter.

i want to tell her sometimes. only because i dont want her growing up with false hopes. but im scared that it would hurt her more than help her. i dont know what to do.

i fucking hate him
i fucking hate everything about him
he doesnt deserve her
he should be castrated
he should be castrated and then forced to eat his own
his face should be curb stomped
his life should fail before his eyes
he should have nothing
and be alive forever to live in misery

When I was in the city recently, I saw a homeless guy sitting on the footpath holding a large cardboard sign saying "Ninja's have kidnapped my family. Need money for karate lessons."

Genius! :D

A Jehovah's Witness came to the door yesterday with a bunch of Watchtower magazines. He offered one to me and I refused, telling him that his religion is totally incompatible with my lifestyle.

Deuteronomy 22:5 - "A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God."

This seems to refer to crossdressing, but I also think it applies to transsexuals such as myself. Why the hell would I worship, much less respect, a god that considers me an abomination? Then there's the whole "your body is a temple" thing, which I'm sure I've broken numerous times with my tattoos, my self harming, and of course my drug addictions.

I Corinthians 5:19 - "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you yourselves are his temple."

Bring it on, God! Bullies don't scare me. And anyway, my body's more like a drug house than a temple.

Me and drug_wench were talking tonight (I'm spending the weekend at her place), and we've decided on some positive goals for 2010.

1) Quit all hard drugs by the end of the year... meth, heroin, and so on.

2) Stop associating with gangs, dealers, and other people who might tempt us into using.

3) Get some hobbies, join some clubs, or just find something to "replace" the addictions and give us the opportunity to meet clean people.

We're both feeling confident that we can acheive them.

dear j,

you bitch that i do not eat healthy, so when we go shopping i grap lots of veggies and fruit. then you have the nerve to bitch that i am buying expensive food because i refuse to eat spaghetti-os and other assorted overly processed cheap food. you complain that i buy low fat/low sodium soups because they cost more than the $1/can crap you have.

i am sorry that i refuse to eat the crap you put in your mouth. its nasty, high in calories and fat and offers next to no nutrition. i'd rather buy healthy, tasty food for home and the processed crap when unhealthy stuff when i go out. mcdonalds once in awhile is way better than eating like you do on a daily basis.

furthermore, if i am cooking for the both of us, i am going to make veggies i like. you aren't a fucking child, it won't kill you to try new things. then you have the nerve to say that i am pikcy because i think veggies are an important part of a meal. wtf is wrong with you?

don't even get me started about money. i have barely touched our savings account, you have drained it buying idiotic things we do not need. then you complain that i want to have a nice couch since we have no furniture. to me that is way more important than a stupid shiney router even tho the old one worked just as fine. then you go buying all these other gadgets which we don't need, spending money from the savings account. or rather, spending your money but taking money out of the savings account for "essentials" that you don't have the money for.

my car is broken and you can't be bothered to loan me your car. you are complaining that i didn't have it towed to the dealership to be fix, where it would cost an arm and a leg more than waiting for my dad to look at it. unlike you, i figure living on budget means doing so. not just doing what is convenient.

i am so pissed of right now and almost wish i never moved back. FUCK OFF is about all i have to say to you.

slipped last night, er well around 8pm. my buddy had a suboxone, and asked if i wanted any. I've been having a shitty day, and was about to lay down anyway. so we halved it and broke it up n snorted it.
I was feeling the guilt the second i did it, and thought that if i just layed on mt bed then after watching the book of eli they did room checks at 11pm, so my friend that i did the suboxone with had to go take a piss test because his eyes were red or something. so i walked with my buddy up the hill and my dumb ass asked if i could take a drug test. (very fucking bad move).
My pride about passing the drug test was the only thing that i could think of. long story shot i couldn't pee, i keep drinking water, and the suboxone made me sick so i kept throwing it all back up. over and over and over again. my buddy pissd automatically and he did the same amount of suboxone i did. so almost 3 hours later i still couldn't pee and the night watch just told me to go to bed. I told him that he has nothing to worry about, im still going to pee for him in the morning,

i feel like shit now, both physically and mentally.

even though i'm not gone for long, and im coming back anyway, today its just been too much. too intense seeing you, hearing your words, holding you. sharing emotions which we both didnt know we had.

i shouldnt miss you
the feeling of finality is overwhelming
im coming home
am i?
is this goodbye?

Took this while picking my brother up from school, there was a leaf just sitting in this puddle in an alley. Made for the perfect shot.