We went back to court, waited to hear just exactly how fucked we'd be, and waited to get home and take this load off our mind with a fat shot. We waited to get called in at probation, for the potheads and small time electronics theifs and husband slappers and drunk drivers to walk out the door til it was our turn. we waited for it to be over so we could go right back outside and boot the fat shot that had been waitin for us in the car after we waited all week for our systems to clear out for our visit with the PO. we told him how good we been, and waited to get dismissed til the silence on his end hinted at somethin wrong and we waited for the news to drop, already pullin back inside, flinching from the impact of the trouble about to hit us while we waited for him to say wat we already knew.
and then we sat and waited for him to come back with his boss, and waited for the lecture, the introduction to our fate, waited to find out just particularly wat he had in mind for us courtesy of the state department of probation, the consequences for our lyin denyin foolishness and poor planning that we had been sure would work. we sat in a haze sayin the right words at the right times, beggin n' noddin and lookin as sorry as we could and as a junkie thats pretty sorry, and waited for it to be over.
and then we ran to the car, drove home focused only on the one thing that got us into this spot to begin with, waited for each light and every slow ass driver that decided to come out and have a god damn parade at 25mph on the road home tonight, tailgatin n highbeaming n passin on solid yellow lines desperate to get to the cure for this sense of doom that took over us the second the words "dirty urine" passed the PO's lips , and push away reality one last time, rushing to get it in, as much of it as possible while we still can, angry that we had took it for granted like that friend whose always around, never thinking that one day shit might change and we'd get the rug snatched out from under us, that we would have to part ways before we had a chance to say a proper goodbye, that we'd have to stop before we were ready, n that all that eventual, dragged out, slow taper-down "one last time" and "one for the road"s that we had planned in case we ever found ourselves in this spot, would have to get squeezed into a few hours before this night ended...
we waited for the day to end, the first time without our daily routine, everything strange unfamiliar, foreign, everything feelin like life on the opposite side of one-way glass, in a parrallel world, watching the mirror image of ourselves doing the normal, everyday cop'n'shoot on the other side while we pressed our hands and faces against the mirror, trapped in this uncomfortable confusing place where everything we do feels wrong and off and everything we know suddenly aint allowed.
staring at the shadow of ourselves that keeps on movin, existing somewhere in our minds, in the life that was, oblivious to how things can change, wanting to switch places and go back to livin in that beautifully ignorant body in a world where needles n' bundles dont lead to cuffs'n'cop cars and we thought life was terrible when the only thing stopping us from getting high was the money that wasnt there or the phone that wasnt on.
we waited for our bodies to stop achin and screaming for relief, we waited for our minds to forget, even just for a second, about the one thing that was consuming them, we waited for our thoughts to change, for some small break to come where we could relax for a minute and not be focusing, concentrating, obsessin on that fact that today wasnt normal and everything was wrong. we wrapped ourselves in blankets and waited for our bones to thaw out and we ripped our hoodies and t shirts off , tearin at the extra clothing that seemed to suffocate us, the necklace strangling us, the bracelet that felt like too tight handcuffs on our wrists, waitin for the heat to stop burning in our chests and brains. we waited with hand towels ready to soak up the sweat pouring from our skin, waited for the sub, the methadone to kick in.
we flicked thru the channels , desperate for distraction, frantically searchin for something that wouldnt find some way to remind us, but no matter wat came on, there was always a trace, some small suggestion or hint that brought it back, anything could. we stared at the tv blankly lettin the images flash over the backs of our eyes and seep into our subconscious, barely paying attention, squinting at the bright flashes and loud sounds of the commercials assaulting our senses, everything magnified and exaggerated by our oversensitive bodies. we waited , 30 seconds at a time, for them to be over, for the show to come back on , the plot that we had no interest in but picked out of a lineup cause it seemed like maybe it was better than the other useless joyless crap that was on.
we struggled thru the hour, each commercial break and 7-minute scrap of so called entertainment stretchin on forever, slowly cutting off chunks of time, tryin not to look at the clock. knowing that worst of all, this wasnt gonna be all worth it in the morning as soon as we got to the bank, got the mail, got the phonecall or got to the pharmacy with our backup dealer from the old pill days and his script of oxys the minute it opened at 9:01 am, sitting sideways on the seat of the blood pressure machine, absently blinkin thru the pages of gossip magazines til the lady called his name and we heard the sound of angels singing in the crinkle of the white paper bag with the may cause drowsiness warning stickers and safety guidelines stapled to the front.
we closed our eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed with the pathetic, self pitying despair of every hopeless soul in the world when we remembered that this time, this pattern, these restless nights and empty days would continue, tomorrow, the next day, and the next until who knows when. we waited for even a little sleepiness to gently weight down our eyelids, waited for the deep and eternal tiredness in our bones, our muscles, n our minds to turn into the smooth release of sleep, of actually being able to. we waited for the ad, the lady in pajamas sliding into a big fluffy white bed with soft sheets, puffy comforter, down stuffed pillows to open up a portal right there in front of the couch n take us away, transport us into that room on the tv, waited for this lumpy couch to get comfortable, for our legs to stop twitchin and our thoughts to stop racing in circles, full speed, runnin on the same track thru our heads , wearing out a groove til we just wanted to bang our foreheads on the table and shake it all out our ears , to just catch a god damn break from all this shit for one fuckin second.
we laid down, stuck to the cushions, arranging and rearranging our pant legs, our socks, the blanket, the volume, the wrinkles on our shirts bunched up underneath us that seemed like the bars of a dog cage pressing in on our backs. we waited out the night , somehow, and fell into a vague excuse for rest, cryin in our sleep never knowing, bouncing back and forth from dreams of dope soaked bliss to a sea of green passaic county jail scrubs. from 7 o clock wakeups in rehab beds to crying and yelling in the kitchen, phone in our hand typing a text saying yes , please we want that bundle, we'd be right there as soon as we could, makin a run for it down the stairs, across from us blocking the door our mother stands with a court summons in one hand and a needle in the other and the look of the most profound, crushed disappointment on her face.
and thru that night time freak show of junkie life we waited subconsciously to escape into daytime where shit would be better, and when we woke up, only half rememberin the details but with a feeling of uneasiness clouding the mornin, we waited for the last pieces that stayed in our mind to drift and fade away with the fuzzy veil of sleep as it burned off like mist over the lake when the sun warms up.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
