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Ok, check this out. I'm no historian or anything but this has been a big part of my life for a while now.

First I gotta talk about the original skinheads. These folks started showing up in the UK around 1969. They weren't racist. They were working class youth of ALL races that gravitated towards a particular music called 'ska'. Ska is an offshoot of what folks from Jamaica brought over to the UK when they moved there.

It would be difficult to mention ska without mentioning Desmond Dekkar. Essentially, Desmond was a pioneer of this 'movement'. Here's a taste of his music:

Desmond Dekker - 'Rude Boy Train'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlEo6XmdOd8

Sounds a lot like reggae, doesn't it? It is, but the lyrics and slightly different beat are what make it different from reggae. (personally, I LOVE the horns found in most ska music)

Many young folk were out of work in the UK and ska music started to evolve. Some examples of the 'evolved' ska can be heard here:

The Specials - 'Little Bitch'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YthLQSqXjLo

The Toasters - 'I'm Running Right Through The World'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dbcSc6kBcM

Bad Manners - 'Skinhead Girl'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a5BTLXrUC4

Now it starts to evolve some more as certain (more modern( adaptations came into existence. Some of these would be:

Madness - 'One Step Beyond'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-uyWAe0NhQ

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - 'Rascal King'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NxMlG3M40k

Reel Big Fish - 'Beer'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gql9220Qon8

Streetlight Manifesto - 'Saddest Song'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUDndFKTA0s

Many punk and skinheads added their own punch to ska. This is more often called oi! music.

Here is a brief video on the history of ska:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AesId12OKsY

Like I was saying earlier skinheaad culture started in the UK and didn't take long to get to us here in the States. US skins adopted the term oi! as a salute ('Oi! John'), essentially, we simply replaced our East Coast 'yo' (Yo! John') with 'oi'. Some scenes had certain meanings to the way 'oi!' was said. One of these was a triple oi!, 'Oi! Oi! Oi' shouted meant that a fight was going down and if you were skin, you best go back your crew up.

Skins and punks started playing 'oi! music'. There are MANY variations.

Oi! Scouts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0LxCNAsE64

Operation Ivy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-za7J89qTc

FourSkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5xInUlkjYA

Anyway, just wanted to kinda answer Drug Wench's question (she's awesome btw) about ska. The thing is that its more than music, its a lifestyle and culture. I couldn't talk about ska (without mentioning oi!)

Oh! I almost forgot! There is a specific manner of dancing to ska (called skanking) and you may have seen many improvisations in the pit at hardcore (punk) shows (especially variations of the Skinhead Stomp)

For shits and giggles I youTube'd some examples that are actually rather funny:

How To Skank 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_R5MlZpXko

How To Skank 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY4QAK_a0QY

How To Skank 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noPhluovtYw

Ha! I just found this! Its the Mighty Mighty Bosstones on the Jon Stewart show (you can see Ben skankin' away on stage). That's all dude does is skank in every video, every show! That RULES!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFgJjYoADGw

I got a letter from the police last week saying the blood test results from my car crash near Christmas tested positive for meth (no surprises there) and I'll be facing "a number of related charges" and receiving a court summons within the next few weeks. Why the wait? I know they're probably busy catching bigger fish, but I wish they'd put me out of my misery and at least tell me what charges I'm facing so I can consult a lawyer and prepare myself for court. It's really pissing me off.

I just won over $100 worth of legal highs in a promotion. Thinking of going into the city tomorrow night when the clubs are busy to sell them off and make a bit of cash. %)

Winter air, door handle cold to the touch, a spark in the dark and the soft thud and click as the rubber seal meats the frame and the front seat air is still again, and as we start to move everything is right... a smooth polished whisper that sweeps thru the night.
mirror image of shades drawn, fuzzy neon glow of the late night bodega awnings, bent, reflected off the window ,the whole scene played out in reverse projected on the glass, bouncin off the slick black of the tints. slide thru the hood on top of the world. slow ride, second gear down the ave. dark shadows in the doorways only spotted by the steam of their breath , snow crunches under the tires....insulated , laid back in a silent warm ....

behind my eyes it will never die...the dream lives on...memories of late night nodds...in and out as i fade , sweatin, hot, stretched out , itching and the snow falls outside, the breeze , the draft comin in thru the open window and im just fine...wakin up a half hour later, shake my head and strain to keep my eyes open long enough to finish the last shot.

so wrapped up in my own mind, deep , back farther, my whole body smiles and i sink back into the sheets, breathless, heavy in the chest, slow heart beats , thick like molasses oozin thru my veins... damn, you should feel this... black and white flicker across the back of my minds eye...ohh, its the realest...

conversatin with the devil at the foot of my bed, echoes of my thoughts, did i say it out loud, is it all in my head.... i dont even know...ohh, to be back on the block, glidin thru the night, cuttin a path thru the chill air , slicin open the heart of the city, ride a line cut straight over the belly, tracin a scar on the pavement...and im back, and im in bed, wait im cruisin with the seat leaned, my eyes are closed and im stopped at the red light not a police in sight, shake awake and im back in the bed, nowhere but here, back home instead...switch back and forth between worlds ride that fine line, seconds is hours just moments in time...

fight thru the waves of heaviness weighting me down, sand from the hourglass of time i got left, struggle to the surface and light a cigarette. gaze into the dark, freezing vapor fills my lungs and every bead of sweat hit with a cool carress of winter chill. siiiigh.....i been holdin my breath, but its aight...watchin the smoke trail out over the silver glow of the snow, quick to blow away, evaporate into the sky, quick shadow cast on the icey stars...and the fan whirs in the window, always on, the sound of the blades choppin the air fills my night, quiet, back on the block the sound is the shuffle of a deck of cards...

the tide comes in, the tide comes out, chest rises and falls to the raggedy slow-mo rhythm of a medicated set of lungs at rest; travelin over the days events i slowly drift , and my always anchor watchin from the window sill, resting with me runnin till the light of day takes away the spell. but for now, its just us , me my shadow and , you my little window fan....

With a head full of benadryl, my words are articulate, rehearsed. Starring in a play that has gone on one too few times in my past, yet so familiar I pass it off as deja vu. Roomie is being strangely generous, as if to apaolgize for rights we know were wrong...right? Affirmative. As if he doesn't know the words, can't grasp the concept of something deeper, so thrusts 4 cigarettes in my hand. I concur. Nod, "Thanks". "You're welcome to sleep in my bed, as always, I'll see you later. The radio is yours too."

I knaw at the half cooked, crunchy rice infront of me. Why? I'm not hungry. I just thirst for pleasure, in whatever form. Years ago it was beating myself up, physically and mentally. I longed for abuse from others too. Then I grew up a little. Let the chemicals abuse me. Kinky. A recipe for disaster, mingled types and subtypes of abuse for years, then all at once, gave up the ghost in me which wanted to be another man's play toy. Grew sick of it. Now I stand on my own two feet, heart still enslaved to the chemical king. I enjoy that sort of pleasure. One I will never willingly give up. Repent to right your wrongs, right? Negatory. There is no wrong in my method. Others may believe so, but it's that method that set me free from man. I control is still. Who's to say I won't and what's to come, but that is speculation and speculation alone.

Bread. Bread is the rock of life. The meat of paupers, hobos, and refugees.

Sparks fly, embers burn and ebb, dying in ashes, going up in smoke. exhale. Social smoker, although I shouldn't. Damn asthma. But right now, waiting for the benadryl to kick in and needing to occupy myself, it is what it is. **Whomp-ding** Text message. Acknowledgement of existance. Is that our bread nowadays? If you go one day without recieving a text, you are an epic failure. Out of the loop. fuck your loop right in the ear.

Awkward silence. Pause for thought. I loathe phone calls. If it were the right person, sure, but yet another stalker who wants my nuts? Thank you come again. Say something witty, fashionable. Sorry to burst your bubble baby but I don't follow expectations.

Come on. Who'da thought a hollowed out marker would save me from the likes of no toilet paper? Fevered, sweaty, clammy, orgasm. Sounds so glamorous. Thinking of the drag queen who openly is HIV Poz. His pleading eyes that bore into me, saying, I wish you knew what was behind this smile, as you smile back. His boyfriend, who is an ugly duckling. Does it take a flawed being to love another imperfect, flawed being? We're all scarred in some way. Most don't have tht wits to admit it though. Pride is their drug of choice. Pride and popularity. Drama. All the normal fixes they run to in need. I open myself to misinterpretation like a budding artist. In text, appearance, sex appeal. But I don't give two shits who takes what which way. Do as you will. I know what I mean, and that's all tha tmatters. Imagine if directions were like that, if the highways were just free to warp and bend, take us wherever we interpreted it to, without maps. We'd be a so much more free flowing spirit. But I haven't discerned if that's good or bad yet. I am cryptic so they say. Metaphoric. I strut my stuff with both middle fingers held high.

Carefully, deliberately, I slide into PJ pants and a hoodie. Craving the carress of its soft flannel...maybe I crave it like the love I don't have. Oh well. Stubborn people like me can't be choosers. I always wondered why I absolutely hate being cold...I guess its a thing I used to hate cause I was so deeply sad...the slightest negative stimulation would send me off the deep end. Been there, done that. I'm over it. Have fun with that. Please hold. I'm sorry. Say what? Freako. You keep me sane.

Another 3 benadryl? I want to. I crave delirium. Maybe I just crave pushing myself to see just how calm the new me can stay. I eat with my left hand, which I might as well be jacking off with the other. Such a mundane task. Life is what you make of it, I am a firm believer of that. Even something such as eating can be tainted with a twist. Maybe that's why we all started going anorexic, bulimic, and the like. Not that I am, now. Been there, done that.

I'm just recovering from the effects of Sally D (salvia divinorum).

I was sitting at my computer desk and smoked two large bowls of 25x extract, one after another. Within seconds I felt as if gravity had changed direction... or the room was tilting and I was falling. Then my thoughts in the next room decided that I wanted a drink (yes, I know how strange that sounds!), so I stood up and staggered out into the kitchen to get one. Now I'm back in my room, typing away at the computer. Skin feels tingly and my head is spinning a bit, but otherwise I'm fine.

An interesting drug. :D

swim took 2 alprzolam (2mg) and drank a 6 pack, and smoked some Verrrry dank bud. can swim take an asprin or iburofen or some shit? safely, of course..?

I have real problems with going to class. I've missed so much class over the past 2 weeks it's pathetic.

And its not like I'm waking up, and then saying "nah I don't feel like going today." I always have my alarm set. The problem is sleeping.

I've had sleeping trouble for years now. And I went to the doctor over the christmas break, explained it to him, along with 2 other problems (ADHD and anxiety). The sleeping problem was the one giving me the most trouble.

Yet he gave me concerta & xanax. Nothing for sleep. Well the concerta fucked me over good, and the xanax was alright other than being too short to cover my anxiety for the day.

Now my sleeping problems have just become worse. Its like, I fall asleep whenever my body feels like it. I could go to bed at 1am, and lay there until 5, 6, 7am until I finally knock out. And then waking up at 10am or 11am for school is out of the question. I just can't get ready. I drag myself out of bed, only to reach my alarm clock to turn it off, and then just fall back into bed - exhausted. Then I wake up at like 1 - 3pm. Missing like all my classes.

I feel terrible about it, especially classes with group work. But fuck man, it's not like I'm purposely doing this. My dad would say "who cares if you're tired," but even then man, if I went to class I'd be so zombied out it's pointless for me to even go. I'm learning the same amount as I would learn if I just stayed in bed - which is nothing.

Fuck fuck FUCK. Thank god I FINALLY see my doctor next week...after going through 6 weeks of this bullshit again and again. I feel as if this is all my fault and I should be doing something about it..but even if I shut off everything at 11pm to try to go to sleep, I still won't get to sleep until 4am, and the cycle continues.

I thought I was okay after I had one of the worst shit i'm not sure if break down even covers it. I just lost it, I was in a fucking ball crying to the point where I couldn't breathe my roommate said I passed out..honestly it hurts to even think about it. I know I really wanted to talk about it. I needed to..I'm going to try may take a bit though..

yeah i'll um update this later sorry

I was going to work on some step work tonight before I crashed and all I wanted to do was quickly look up the word, Obsession.

Okay well yeah I did do that but I found a really cool site for quotes and I'm a total sucker when it comes to them. So I spent oh over four, five hour reading on that site and now I can't even see straight. Of course I never wrote on my step either, SOB.

I do have a hand cramp from writing down pages of what I thought were the best quotes I had found so far.

Anyway I can't put this up without leaving one at the end so...

"What moves those of genius, what inspires their work is not their work is not new ideas, but their obsession with the idea that what has already been said is still not good enough." ~ Eugene Delacroix

"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; thread softly because you thread on my dreams." ~Yeats

when i was a kid everything seemed special. the sun was much brighter, and even when it rained.
I enjoyed times like this. Everything was magical. I had nothing to worry about because well everything was pretty much taken care of.
I had a loving family, friends, a home, food, and love.
I had many fun times, getting to see the joys in life. I
know what they mean now when people say that they wish they could stay young forever.
Times like this makes me wish I was gone. All the troubles that I'm going through in my life.

I hate living like this, I know that the world would be so much better without me, how much I wish to be gone, and yet I keep waking up.

I havn't felt this bad my entire life. Theres something inside me thats making me feel this crummy about myself. I want to let go, and forget.

I don't want to die, but at such bad times like this it makes me wish I were never born.

I saw my drug counsellor today and did a big assessment of my history of drug abuse and the drugs I'm currently taking. I told her I've been using codeine and misties (morphine sulfate) daily as a way to self-medicate my depression and meth withdrawals, and she started to ask lots of questions about that - how long I've been doing them, is my dose increasing, am I experiencing withdrawals, etc.

I told her I haven't experienced full-blown opiate withdrawals, and she just looked at me and said "That's because you're using every day, hun. If you stopped right now, you'd probably be as sick as a dog. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to make an opiate dependence diagnosis." I was shocked. I wasn't expecting that at all!

I didn't consider codeine and MST to be hard opiates, capable of causing a severe dependence. But she mentioned that codeine is seriously underestimated in terms of addictive potential, and the amount of MST's I'm using has been increasing over time. I guess she's right. The irony of the situation is that I only started using these drugs as a way to self-medicate my fucking meth withdrawals!

How have I blamed other people for my behavior?

02/07/10 10:53 PM

Ok, I can think of something from back in the day to partially answer this question.

My first real girlfriend (the one I lost my virginity to) died May 5, 1989. I was already heavy into coke, acid, alcohol, weed, etc. but I blamed her death (not her) for why I was using more frequently. I used it as an excuse. She was my first true love and I felt her death gave me an appropriate reason to fuck around more hard-core.

I realize that I am blaming a situation as opposed to a person in this answer but its important that I write it down anyway.

02/08/10 12:15 AM

I'm gonna take a break from answering these questions for a bit. Right now, its counter-productive. I just wanted to get off the drugs and be a better person. This shit is like a college assignment. I see the benefits of looking at myself closely but, seriously, WTF? There are 69 questions, deep questions in Step 1 alone.

I'm gonna stop for a bit and come back to them after my attitude changes.

02/08/10 10:10 AM

Ok, my sponsor called this morning and asked how I was making out on my Step Work (he knew that I have been struggling). I told him that I was planning to take a break from it for a week because I was getting an attitude and, quite frankly, I was thinking last night 'I need a fuckin' beer to answer this shit'. That's counter-productive so I stopped writing (until this morning)

Anyway, he mentioned that these questions focus primarily on our past and just a little bit on the present (or immediate past). He mentioned that it is work but it will help me compare and contrast to how I was and how I am coming to be.

It does help me understand some things about me.

My sponsor has 18 years clean. He doesn't bullshit people and will speak honestly regardless of whether it will hurt someone's feelings. He stands up for what he believes in and that's why I chose him.

I need to make the effort on these questions because I truly don't ever want to go back to living and feeling the way I have lived and felt for so long. If I make the effort and fail at least I know I made the effort.

My sponsor says that Step Work is the best tool against relapse. So I will give it an honest, diligent and consistent effort.

I don't know if I will be posting any more Step Work entries here on Bluelight (I haven't decided as of yet). I don't want to hold anything back and I'm afraid if I post everything here I will hold back critical info that I need to expose.

Anyway, I will get back to this question later today...

02/22/10 12:31 PM

Ok, recently I turned off my phone for the sole reason that I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Complaints, self-pity, lack of acceptance, bragging, hidden agendas were what I was trying to avoid. The behavior of isolating was being blamed on other people.

The way I see it is that since I’m not working, I have a responsibility to answer my phone and return calls that are missed. I blamed other people’s negativity for my isolation.

I can say that I was starting to feel depressed and the phone calls that prompted this action were not helping the matter but I soon realized that I was simply running away and not facing situations.

Just looking for some cool people and places in the area... Just moved from up north

'Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease.'
- The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides (page 2)

compulsive - irresistible impulse
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

obsession - the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

02/07/10 9:17 PM

These questions are starting to piss me off. I mean... what the fuck? Most of the times I got high were times when I went into auto-pilot and went to go cop. I always knew, in the back of my head, that I was gonna go get high anyway. If I had money, I got high regardless if I wanted to or not. I believe this is standard operating procedure for any addict, I'm no exception.

That's all I have to say about this.

Next question, please.

no more fucking tramadol
fuck no
this is why i hate pills and such
i never take them so i get completely fucked off of something small
i sleep for 18+ hours and then im depressed or just fucking off for the next couple of days

pain is endurable
mental offness isnt

I forgot to mention in my last post that I am also being sent for an MRI for suspected PCNSL (Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma) which really sucks ass - it has a 2 year survival rate.

I surely hope they find nothing wrong *knocks on wood*

OK hai. My name is boxxy and um it's been a while since I made a new video. So I decided that because of recent events that I could make a new videooo. And um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight. I don't do drugs... mm mmh! No, I know that you all think that I do drugs, but, I don't, actually. And I actually don't have ADD either, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. Ummmm yeah. And then another one would be ummm. I provided you with a couple different pictures. Ummmm ahh such as like, like the one where I'm like mmm and it says, "I saw watchoo did there!" And like and and then like you peoples were all like, "YOU IS TROLLIN!" and I was like "I AM NOT TROLLING!! I AM BOXXY YOU SEE! Mm!" And like um and so then ahh there was another one where I was like, "Mmm," and um I don't have any eyeliner on, which you edited a couple of different times. And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said "boxxy plus pocky equals equals LOOOVE," and that's true, it's a very true statement, I love her. And umm and then uhh bup bup buhbuh, OH there was another one that um, that I actually didn't possst... but umm... it's out there... cuz uh some of you guys found it, and I'm all like crafty. And uhm and it's one where I like have a sign and I'm like "ihh" and it says several different things such as like I love mmmchan, and stuff and umm it actually never said that, it said I love moochan, which is one of my old gaia buddies, uhh oh, but the way, I'm not a gaiafag anymore, I moved on to bigger and better things, such as umm, things that I mentioned in another video that got me in trouble in the first place, hah! Ahh, trolls! Trolls, this is my only account and it's boxxybabee with two e's and other people, like Boxxyakamoldybread -- she's a failure Troll! TRAWLL! I can't believe you guys believe that! Who actually talks like that?! Not ME! Umm... and, so, yeah, and um, let's see here. And then, um, um I was in a thread and uh this guy was like, "boxxy, I would sing Hey Jude to you, like in Across the Universe." And I was like, "I love that movie!" Because I do! Have you ever seen that movie? It's like AMAZING, it's like BEATLES and like um, and so then um I uh I just wanted to say to that kid who wanted to watch Across the Universe with me uh that I love you, and I want to hold your hand. And also um, my husband, Sheldon, "hello! Mmm!" And, and uh Brandon, I guess, I don't even know who you are, exactly. Uhbububuuhh, my hair got longer, you guys. I'm actually thinking about cutting it... I dunno. But umm, let's see here ahh, soo, I had a lot of replies from like my videos. Or, not a lot a guess, that's a little... much I guess. But um, this one kid, uh he remixed a lot of my videos, and they were so cool, and his name was gastricpenguin... and he was SO funny. He like mixed it and stuff and hehe, and I was like "ohhho" the first time I saw it. I was. Oh my god I had a heart attack, I was like oh my god. And um, uh, mmm, I dunno. What else is there to say. Steve, Steve, the guy who sat for like six minutes straight addressing me in a serious tone? Uh, thank you, I suppose. Um, but uh yeah, this, I don't think I should answer. What if I told you it would ruin the mystique, you guys? Umm, and then um, bububuh, I dunno, really, huh. I haven't worn makeup in a really long time you guys, actually. Um, because I stopped wearing it, because it's a really big pain the butt to apply every single morning. And I'm like urr hurr, and um and now I'm just like mascera and I'm good to go. And um yeah and so I love you guys, a lot. I really like, rawrawrawr status, like seriously like rawr and um I think that's about it. Byeee.

Observe, each paragraph will coincide with one more level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation. The approach is an exercise in understanding that will show that the abstraction level of a situation is equivalent to the number of sets of limits of consciousness that are being superimposed over the world as it really is. (wat)

For example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

If you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

Click to expand...

If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

Click to expand...

You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

Click to expand...

Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

Click to expand...

You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

Click to expand...

You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

Click to expand...

'Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease.'
- The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides (page 2)

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

plausible - having an appearance of truth or reason; seemingly worthy of approval or acceptance; credible; believable
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

02/06/10 07:34 PM

Ok, I had to call my sponsor about this question. In all honesty, most recently, I haven't been acting out with bullshit excuses for my behaviors. This will make it two questions in a row that go unanswered.

I've been reflecting on this question for a day and a half (two days?) and I can't come up with anything.

He suggested that I step off for a minute and meditate. Makes sense.

He also said that this question refers to the past AND the present. This bothers me because I can't accurately describe past behaviors due to being high, forgetful, elapsed time since they occurred, and/or blocking them out.

This is what I will do... I will write down the bullshit excuses that I felt justified my actions that are immediately evident to me and then move on to the next question.

During this time of reflection (one day, two days?) if I notice that I am currently coming up with excuses for my current behaviors I will jot them down as well.

You see, I'm not interested in dwelling on my active addiction. It has relevance but what is significantly more important to me is how I am living RIGHT NOW.

I've been using drugs for a very large portion of my life. If I attempt writing down every damn thing then I won't progress through these questions (which are helping me learn about me). If I don't progress then I don't grow.

I tend to be very analytical. If I over think my answers I'll lose interest in progressing and just say 'fuck it' and not take any of the questions as seriously as possible.

I'll have something in a couple days...

02/07/10 1:55 PM

Ok, so I may as well put the obvious ones that most everyone does anyway:

1 - Spending money meant for bills on drugs while telling myself 'I can earn this back if I sell some of what I bought'. I rarely sold my shit if it was already in my pocket.

2 - Telling myself that I may as well splurge on a shitload of drugs tonight since I'm quitting tomorrow. (Of course 'tomorrow' never came)

The doctor is sending me for a slew of testing.

He's worried I have a brain lesion or tumor by my symptoms.

We'll see what happens from those tests Monday.
He put a STAT rush on it, so we'll know in 3 days what is going on. Also a Drug Test...which i KNOW I will fail BAD for an assortment of pills.

Oh well.

We'll see.

I am late on putting this one up, my apologies!

Today thru Feb 14th the theme is..........

HAPPINESS !!!!!!!!

What makes you happy?
What was the happiest time of your life?
What is your definition of happy?
Anything and everything- all about HaPpInEsS!

Just felt like postin sum pics of places I have lived at in the past for yall enjoyment. And for mine since who knows if i will have photos saved in the future. I got so much memories from each one. And I aint posting nothing that can determine where Im at now, and if I dont live there no more, who gives a fuck if im postin a pic of it. So enjoy peeps.



thats the same house in the hood in my favorite city that I aint got to say the name of.

This is wat was considerd the projects of the area i was in at the time, couldnt get a street view


And here is where I smoke my cigarettes and nod every night..




this dont include em all sincei can only post images. but this is the only ones I got pics of anyways. I guess it adds some reality to the life of a person. U can imaginen me walkin out the front door in the morning now.