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'Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease.'
- The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides (page 2)

compulsive - irresistible impulse
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

obsession - the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

02/07/10 9:17 PM

These questions are starting to piss me off. I mean... what the fuck? Most of the times I got high were times when I went into auto-pilot and went to go cop. I always knew, in the back of my head, that I was gonna go get high anyway. If I had money, I got high regardless if I wanted to or not. I believe this is standard operating procedure for any addict, I'm no exception.

That's all I have to say about this.

Next question, please.

no more fucking tramadol
fuck no
this is why i hate pills and such
i never take them so i get completely fucked off of something small
i sleep for 18+ hours and then im depressed or just fucking off for the next couple of days

pain is endurable
mental offness isnt

I forgot to mention in my last post that I am also being sent for an MRI for suspected PCNSL (Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma) which really sucks ass - it has a 2 year survival rate.

I surely hope they find nothing wrong *knocks on wood*

OK hai. My name is boxxy and um it's been a while since I made a new video. So I decided that because of recent events that I could make a new videooo. And um so yeah so let's just start off by getting a couple things straight. I don't do drugs... mm mmh! No, I know that you all think that I do drugs, but, I don't, actually. And I actually don't have ADD either, ahh hehehe, which is funny to me. Ummmm yeah. And then another one would be ummm. I provided you with a couple different pictures. Ummmm ahh such as like, like the one where I'm like mmm and it says, "I saw watchoo did there!" And like and and then like you peoples were all like, "YOU IS TROLLIN!" and I was like "I AM NOT TROLLING!! I AM BOXXY YOU SEE! Mm!" And like um and so then ahh there was another one where I was like, "Mmm," and um I don't have any eyeliner on, which you edited a couple of different times. And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said "boxxy plus pocky equals equals LOOOVE," and that's true, it's a very true statement, I love her. And umm and then uhh bup bup buhbuh, OH there was another one that um, that I actually didn't possst... but umm... it's out there... cuz uh some of you guys found it, and I'm all like crafty. And uhm and it's one where I like have a sign and I'm like "ihh" and it says several different things such as like I love mmmchan, and stuff and umm it actually never said that, it said I love moochan, which is one of my old gaia buddies, uhh oh, but the way, I'm not a gaiafag anymore, I moved on to bigger and better things, such as umm, things that I mentioned in another video that got me in trouble in the first place, hah! Ahh, trolls! Trolls, this is my only account and it's boxxybabee with two e's and other people, like Boxxyakamoldybread -- she's a failure Troll! TRAWLL! I can't believe you guys believe that! Who actually talks like that?! Not ME! Umm... and, so, yeah, and um, let's see here. And then, um, um I was in a thread and uh this guy was like, "boxxy, I would sing Hey Jude to you, like in Across the Universe." And I was like, "I love that movie!" Because I do! Have you ever seen that movie? It's like AMAZING, it's like BEATLES and like um, and so then um I uh I just wanted to say to that kid who wanted to watch Across the Universe with me uh that I love you, and I want to hold your hand. And also um, my husband, Sheldon, "hello! Mmm!" And, and uh Brandon, I guess, I don't even know who you are, exactly. Uhbububuuhh, my hair got longer, you guys. I'm actually thinking about cutting it... I dunno. But umm, let's see here ahh, soo, I had a lot of replies from like my videos. Or, not a lot a guess, that's a little... much I guess. But um, this one kid, uh he remixed a lot of my videos, and they were so cool, and his name was gastricpenguin... and he was SO funny. He like mixed it and stuff and hehe, and I was like "ohhho" the first time I saw it. I was. Oh my god I had a heart attack, I was like oh my god. And um, uh, mmm, I dunno. What else is there to say. Steve, Steve, the guy who sat for like six minutes straight addressing me in a serious tone? Uh, thank you, I suppose. Um, but uh yeah, this, I don't think I should answer. What if I told you it would ruin the mystique, you guys? Umm, and then um, bububuh, I dunno, really, huh. I haven't worn makeup in a really long time you guys, actually. Um, because I stopped wearing it, because it's a really big pain the butt to apply every single morning. And I'm like urr hurr, and um and now I'm just like mascera and I'm good to go. And um yeah and so I love you guys, a lot. I really like, rawrawrawr status, like seriously like rawr and um I think that's about it. Byeee.

Observe, each paragraph will coincide with one more level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation. The approach is an exercise in understanding that will show that the abstraction level of a situation is equivalent to the number of sets of limits of consciousness that are being superimposed over the world as it really is. (wat)

For example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

If you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

Click to expand...

If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

Click to expand...

You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

Click to expand...

Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

Click to expand...

You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

Click to expand...

You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

Click to expand...

'Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease.'
- The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides (page 2)

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

plausible - having an appearance of truth or reason; seemingly worthy of approval or acceptance; credible; believable
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

02/06/10 07:34 PM

Ok, I had to call my sponsor about this question. In all honesty, most recently, I haven't been acting out with bullshit excuses for my behaviors. This will make it two questions in a row that go unanswered.

I've been reflecting on this question for a day and a half (two days?) and I can't come up with anything.

He suggested that I step off for a minute and meditate. Makes sense.

He also said that this question refers to the past AND the present. This bothers me because I can't accurately describe past behaviors due to being high, forgetful, elapsed time since they occurred, and/or blocking them out.

This is what I will do... I will write down the bullshit excuses that I felt justified my actions that are immediately evident to me and then move on to the next question.

During this time of reflection (one day, two days?) if I notice that I am currently coming up with excuses for my current behaviors I will jot them down as well.

You see, I'm not interested in dwelling on my active addiction. It has relevance but what is significantly more important to me is how I am living RIGHT NOW.

I've been using drugs for a very large portion of my life. If I attempt writing down every damn thing then I won't progress through these questions (which are helping me learn about me). If I don't progress then I don't grow.

I tend to be very analytical. If I over think my answers I'll lose interest in progressing and just say 'fuck it' and not take any of the questions as seriously as possible.

I'll have something in a couple days...

02/07/10 1:55 PM

Ok, so I may as well put the obvious ones that most everyone does anyway:

1 - Spending money meant for bills on drugs while telling myself 'I can earn this back if I sell some of what I bought'. I rarely sold my shit if it was already in my pocket.

2 - Telling myself that I may as well splurge on a shitload of drugs tonight since I'm quitting tomorrow. (Of course 'tomorrow' never came)

The doctor is sending me for a slew of testing.

He's worried I have a brain lesion or tumor by my symptoms.

We'll see what happens from those tests Monday.
He put a STAT rush on it, so we'll know in 3 days what is going on. Also a Drug Test...which i KNOW I will fail BAD for an assortment of pills.

Oh well.

We'll see.

I am late on putting this one up, my apologies!

Today thru Feb 14th the theme is..........

HAPPINESS !!!!!!!!

What makes you happy?
What was the happiest time of your life?
What is your definition of happy?
Anything and everything- all about HaPpInEsS!

Just felt like postin sum pics of places I have lived at in the past for yall enjoyment. And for mine since who knows if i will have photos saved in the future. I got so much memories from each one. And I aint posting nothing that can determine where Im at now, and if I dont live there no more, who gives a fuck if im postin a pic of it. So enjoy peeps.



thats the same house in the hood in my favorite city that I aint got to say the name of.

This is wat was considerd the projects of the area i was in at the time, couldnt get a street view


And here is where I smoke my cigarettes and nod every night..




this dont include em all sincei can only post images. but this is the only ones I got pics of anyways. I guess it adds some reality to the life of a person. U can imaginen me walkin out the front door in the morning now.

I tried this product called Esscape and it is just like Xanax. I cannot find it on the web or any stores. Does anyone know where I can find it?

Thanx

Does anyone have suggestions for new Blog Themes?

I know last time I asked if keeping Blog Themes was something you all would be interested in- the replies we got, were for YES!
SO.....we need new theme ideas!

Please post as a comment any and all Theme ideas!

obama supports your nod! yea them green ones thats blurry is called "black president" lol
enjoy.........

I don't think some people particularly like the "new" PT.
But there were ones that didn't like the old one either. I can understand that the old one could get rather annoying.
But now people are getting bothered by who I choose to single out and troll or whatever.
Please, STFU.
There is no winning and you know what...

New PT doesn't give a fuck

My brother found out he has lung cancer. I wish I could feel sadness or even pitty but I can't. He's a pedophile so in a way I am happy he got it. In a slight way it is sad cause he IS my brother.

I just don't really care.

Isn't that aweful?

obsession - the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way with my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?

02/05/10 10:34 AM

Ha! This question is enormous!!! It looks like I'm geting off easy though because I can honestly say that I haven't obsessed over anyone, any place or anything lately and I'm glad (simply because this question is extremely in depth.

Catch me at a later date and time when my life isn't as easy as it is now and I'm sure I'll have tons to write.

dear fuck diary,

today has been...the shittiest day that i can recall in about half a year's time. not a horrendous one...no...fuck you. no one died, nothing catastrophic happened. it's just been a shitty, shitty day that involves several factors wedged together in close proximity. let me start from when my eyes rolled open two hours after they should have. the asshole that screams loud music in my face at what i like to call "satan's hours of fuck you" had apparently decided it wasnt going to fulfill its only purpose of existence. i immediately jumped out of the warm comfort of my bed and ran to the coffee maker while frantically dialing numbers to the places i was late to. both parties were utterly perturbed.
i burned my tongue with terribly weak coffee as i finally reached my car, completely forgetting about the mountainous terrain of snow that lay on top and behind. once i finished getting all of that the fuck off, i was off to take my daughter to school and somehow managed to spill the remaining coffee not only on myself, but on practically the entire steering wheel.
at work i had to park in a more unusual spot due to excess automobiles, but luckily my g-pa was there to ensure i knew i was a dumbass by yelling and pointing and calling me a dumbass (hilarious even at the time). throughout the time i was there i hit my head on every watering head, missed a step, dropped various items including my cigarettes in a puddle of water and nine trays of dry soil six packs. i may possibly have broken my g-ma's coffee maker (when she gets back i plan to call), i got one of those little white things in top soil lodged within the corner of my eye, and i was forced to listen to 94.9 country for the greater part of the day.
as im leaving, i pull out, i drive maybe twenty feet until i hear a siren. apparently i have a busted tail light and just as i roll my window back up i see my papa on his front porch laughing, pointing, and slapping his knee. i wave, he gives me the finger, and i head to where i am now.
and im not going anywhere for the rest of the day. what's fuck weird is that i love these fucking days. i love to not only bitch about it but to make it funny because that's what it is.

"life is what you take it as, so dont take it so fucking seriously"
-me g-pa

manifesting - readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent; plain
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

02/04/10 11:52 PM

My first thought on this is concerning exercise. When I don't do any exercise (pull-ups in particular) on any given day or if I don't do as much as I think I can due to laziness, I start to beat myself up. I say in my head 'You want physical results but you aren't fucking working for them'. I stress over not achieving my potential.

I'm looking over my apartment and I am also seeing definite signs of unmanageability. Essentially, my place is a mess. It isn't dirty but it is very cluttered (clothes all over the floor, cleaning products not put away, books and papers scattered on tables, empty cigarette packs laying around).

I mean, c'mon man, I'm not working and my apartment is small. Whats so hard about picking up after myself, dusting or running the vacuum on occasion?

I tune out at meetings more often lately. Its not a matter of being cocky (or is it?). I tend to tune out when I start judging the particular person who is sharing so I either read my Basic Text or browse through my phone. This was unheard of for me in the first 4.5 months. I listened to every fuckin' word then.

I'm guessing that this question is asking if I'm replacing my drug use with other things such as shopping, eating, gambling, sex, etc. I can honestly say that I am not replacing the drugs with any of these aforementioned things and I can't really clearly see anything else I may be substituting.

02/05/10 12:32 AM

Okay, fuck it... there is another thing that is evident concerning my behavior. On occasion I've been 'taking care of myself' to Internet porn. Not frequently but, the thing is, I haven't used porn since my addiction.

I typically avoid masturbation but, well, sometimes its necessary. I could have sex if I wanted to but I don't want to use anyone for that purpose for the fact that misleading emotions might get involved and I have no interest in hurting anyone.

My sex drive is usually rather high and I think my high protein diet combined with my (mostly) daily exercise routine may be making it even higher.

It just kind of makes me raise an eyebrow since I haven't used porn since my using days.

Yes, I am a little embarrassed talking about this but I need to be honest regardless of potential embarrassment.

Is oxycontin or vicodin ever prescribed anywhere for arthritis or fibromyalgia pain? [email protected]

I have been approved for CBT at the CAMH Anxiety Clinic YAY!

I also have a nurologist appointment on the 26th YAY!

and also have an apppointment for my EEG too!!!!


omg I am so happy to this stuff done.


Thank you D for encouraging me to do this shit. I wish I could hug to to tank you but I guess just thank you so much here wil have to do.

I am moving along so quickly.

EEG - Feb 11th
Court - Feb 22nd
Neurologist - Feb 26th

Things are falling into place just as they need to be.

Iam so happy right now EEEEEEEEE! *squeal*

well someone left a message on my answering machine, i better go check it out before the beepin drives me totally insane LOL

Does anyone know where to get ecstacy pills in the bay area?

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

emotion - A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling:
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

spirit - an attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling, or action
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

02/03/10 2:30 PM

PHYSICALLY


A scar from an open wound from injecting. Also note the bicep veins. There used to be ONE solid, thick vein running straight up the center. I must have split that somehow into these spidery looking veins


White indented scars from injecting. I have quite a few of these


Caved in, thin nostril from insufflating


Razor cut from attempted suicide (yes, I know I did it wrong)

02/03/10 3:46 PM

MENTALLY

I'm going to answer this part in the present tense...

I actually feel mentally invigorated now that I am clean compared to when I was actively using. At times I do notice myself obsessing. I do find myself analyzing things more nowadays and sometimes I have slight OCD behaviors but nothing to the extent that I am worried about.

I am extremely anal about how certain things should be done. I can use these entries as an example:

* The titles must be labeled in the same syntax
* The time/date must be in the same format
* The definitions must be at the top of the entry

SPIRITUALLY

In my addiction my spirit was affected by drugs. When I was high, all was well. This was short lasting and then there was the come-down or the next day when I needed to start the entire cycle over again.

I was typically broken, hopeless, self-hating, depressed, full of self-pity, manipulative, selfish, arrogant (at times), angry, resentful, careless, dishonest, lazy...

EMOTIONALLY

When I wasn't high the emotions I most often experienced was anger and ambivalence.

I was taking anti-depressants through most of my addiction and they supressed most all other emotions.

I did feel love for a particular woman and this, I believe was genuine. I was unable to show the love I felt however due to the dominant selfish and enslaved feeling I was enduring.

Of course, I also felt confused. I was caught up in the obsession and compulsion of my addiction and couldn't understand (at the time) why I just couldn't stop when everything I could ever want was right in front of me if I just stopped using

I've been putting it off for a while now but last night I finally wrote on my first step, I only answered question one but hell baby steps right.
Anyway, looking over what I had written I did what I do best..I sat up most well okay damn near all of the night picking away at myself. My flaws, dislikes and so on.
I was looking forward to doing this at first, now *sigh* these questions are going to lead into long ass sleepless nights and a shit-load of notebooks. Granted I know it's for the best, learning about myself, personally I wish I could dig a hole and crawl into it sometimes but maybe I'll feel differently after a bit.