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I love being clean BUT it ain't easy! People in the rooms aren't always bearable. The past couple weeks people have been in the worst moods and a few have been taking it out on me. It's annoying. I try to help out people but i get kicked in the teeth. wtf is wrong wit people lately? Once again it's a bunch of bologna that i dont feel like dealing with. Last week a large man got in my face and was calling me controlling when he was the one being loud after i was trying to cover his ass for not fulfilling his committment. Then the guy doing my tattoo was rude and scraped me overly hard during the coloring of my recent tat. There's layers and chunks of skin missing. None of my other four tattoos hurt like that. my regular tat guy was not that rough. he knew i was in pain but for some reason pushed even harder. i understand some pain because i've felt it before but this was overboard. he even had a little attitude too. we had two sessions and each time i gave him a twenty dollar tip which totals fourty and he still tried to hold it over my head that he charged me cheap. then tonight one guy got in my grill and was giving me a hard time. he gave me fourty dollars to go to the n.a campout. i did NOT ask for the money, he offered and insisted so much that i broke down and took it. then he acted creepy and was telling me how many women he slept with so i thought he was kinda creepy a littlebit. i didnt judge him though. he called me a couple times while i was at work and i couldnt call back cuz i'm so busy working 9 hours then driving 45 min to an hour each way to and from work. then i get home, eat something super quick and rush to a meeting. then i get home from the meeting and take a quick shower, make my lunch for the next day and eat a snack and try to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. this guy tells me that he hasnt seen me at meetings when i go to 7 meetings a week. he's the one who only goes to 2 a week. i missed some of the meetings he goes to because i had a wedding, engagement party, h & i commitment, traveling, sleep...he said i was trying to help myself, screw u guy...he told me i didnt owe him anything and that to just pass it forward and i have done that. just because i didnt call him back he said i was ungrateful. now i know he has ulterior motives, its gross cuz he's like fifty and im only twenty four. gross!!!! dont tell me that i dont owe u anything at all and then call me ungrateful when ur acting creepy and i'm busy anyways.

i dont know why i rambled on but it feels good to get it off my chest. lol

i'm trying so hard to be done with petty bullshit. there's more important things in life than worrying if someone is going to call u back. he left me a couple messages just saying hi and even said i didnt have to call back cuz he just wanted to call to say hello. then he bitches cuz i didnt call him back??? RIDICULOUS!!!!

So, I've been going through some things in my head lately. I call them 'things' because I really haven't tried putting a real name to the exact nature of what is making me feel these wide range of feelings.

The urge to use is strong of late. When i get these urges I do what I need to do to combat them. I call my sponsor. I write. I go to meetings. I exercise. I do what I need to do.

So, I went to a meeting tonight and I was hanging out front with some folks. A dude I never seen around before came up the walkway. He was definitely new. Dude was about 6' 5", awkward in appearance and he was wearing a t-shirt that had the Jack Daniels logo/bottle thingy emblazoned on it.

Three of the females I was chatting with when he came walking up took issue with his shirt. They actually TOLD him to turn it inside out.

I spoke up to them and said that NA doesn't tell people how to dress. I told them that they must be pretty weak if they were going to let a fucking t-shirt cause them distress. They copped an attitude with me and said that it was a matter of respect. I was speechless.

Respect isn't something you tell a person to have. A person either has respect or they don't. How fucking dare they?

How about some open-mindedness? Maybe dude just didn't know any better? He's fucking new to NA, man, its quite fucking clear that he just doesn't know. Maybe dude doesn't have any other clothes? Maybe dude doesn't need some control freak assholes pushing him away from an environment that is supposed to be welcoming.

Man, these people have turned into pussies when they got clean. Either that or their addiction didn't introduce them to harsh circumstances where tolerance to much more serious things was mandatory.

If a fucking t-shirt is gonna fuck with you and, to take it a step further, PUSH SOMEONE NEW BACK TO THE STREETS because you feel uncomfortable looking at his shirt. Who gives a fuck, man?

Fuck this town, man. NA is fucking weird here. I'm tired of it and I'm glad that my lease is almost up so that I can move a few towns over where NA is more understanding and less petty.

Well, I still have money left over from my paycheck. Maybe I'll buy myself a Jack Daniels shirt and wear it to meetings? I'll fight over that shit. Its a matter of basic rights. Go ahead and tell me what I can and cannot wear and see what happens mother fuckers. I haven't been the most spiritual person lately. I would enjoy lacing my boots up again.

Pussy mother fuckers. Its just a fucking shirt, man. Stop killing people by misrepresenting what Narcotics Anonymous is all about.

'The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away'
Basic Text 5th Edition page 9

'Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry the message to the addict who still suffers'
Tradition Five

'The message is that an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.'
Basic Text 5th Edition page 65

Shit, I could quote a shitload more but that isn't what this is about. Fuck them! I really wanna hurt these assholes. People who get clean and turn into these judgmental, holier-than-thou pieces of shit need to go.

Shit, what if I'm a judgmental, holier-than-thou simply by feeling this way about them?

Since late February, I've been hooked on painkillers...again. This is probably my fourth major session of addiction. It's late may now so (and i'm just realizing this) I've been using for 3 straight months, no days off. My tolerance has only just started to really increase. I'm still getting BLASTED off of 30mg oxycodone though.

Today is my second attempt at tapering down, day one at that. I'm already beginning to feel down. It's psychological of course; I'm definitely not physically withdrawn. I hate the idea of being without my sweet, warm oxy habit. It sustains me, helps me work lonnng, hard hours at my shitty, low-paying job that I only work so hard at to maintain my addiction. Dosing helps me sleep too. Isn't that strange? A drug that gives you energy yet helps you fall asleep.

Anyway, I have forty milligrams left. So it's not so bad. There are so many peculiarities about an oxy habit. Ideally, you quit by tapering but usually the only reason you would quit are because of 1) money or 2) incarceration/trouble and by then tapering is not an option. I have some money though. I should consider myself lucky. I should give my 40mg to someone who cares enough to help me taper because I probably won't have the strength to stretch it out like it should be done. I've tried to taper before, unsuccessfully.

I already know how the next few days will go.

I slept perfectly last night. Asleep before 10:30, awake after 9:00, I was knocked out the whole time. I basically had a smile on my face when my cell phone alarm went off this morning. That may be from my Claire de Lune alarm tone. It really means something special when you can feel genuinely happy while waking up before having to go to work all day.

Why did I sleep so well? That's an easy one. I took 20mg of hydrocodone over the course of 4 hours before bed. I had one beer. And I smoked a bunch of super-good pot ( , ).

Getting ready for today was easy too. It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to get out of bed, get showered, teeth brushed, clothes on. Today, I was ready in under 10 minutes. That's a pretty impressive feat really. I even had time to get breakfast on the way down to work.

I didn't feel great yesterday. I woke up feeling ok but I didn't have to work. So my day was filled up with being very very lazy basically just laying in bed until time for class, which I skipped. Class is so boring and causes me so much stress. No, instead of going to class, I hung out with friends instead.

I got some hydros and some weed and just hung out all night at my boy's house playing Fifa '10. Fun game for sure, but even still I didn't care. I don't really play video games the way other people do. I like to play the game alone, on easier settings until I get better and move up to advanced levels of difficulty. Eventually I like to be able to dominate the computer. So really what I'm saying is that I don't like playing video games with other people. Strange I guess.

Sometimes relapsing makes sense, especially on days like today. That brings me back to one of my favorite quotes from yukio mishima, "anything can become excusable when seen from the standpoint of the result." Using a drug that I'm badly addicted to is OK if I use it with respect and for good. How about that for denial/bargaining?

Last night I read back over some blog entries I posted in February and before, while I was still sober. Goddamn I'm just going through the same shit I did back then. Symptoms of sobriety. I mean, of course I was smoking weed to an unnatural degree but life itself was just as disorderly and wearisome as it is when I'm full-on addicted to opioids. I don't know what's got to happen for things to really change but I'm trying my best @ the moment.

As for my current state, I'm fine. Last night I broke down and crushed 5mg oxycodone to snort and chewed another 10mg. I'm not going to punish myself with that cold turkey bullshit but 15mg in a day is a little more than I wanted to use to taper. I waited 24 hours from my last dose too, so I think I'm making headway.

My plan, as I only have 40mg and no $$ to buy more, was to wait as long as I possibly could to dose and take 10mg yesterday, 10mg tonight, then 5 the following two nights then nothing. I wanted to give the pills to a friend to hold for me so I wouldn't increase my dose but this fell through and I'm going it alone. Nobody even knows I'm addicted this time. And this is a pretty severe taper plan for a 40-60mg (not surprisingly, I honestly can't really recall exact doses per day) habit. However, It's all I've got.

I mixed 50mg diphenhydramine and a couple coronas in with my "dose" too to really get me "high." I really couldn't feel anything besides a little relief from the urge. I stopped craving. So, that's where I'm at today. My legs hurt like hell, I'm starting to sweat and freeze. However, I don't feel depressed. I think because I'm in control of this detox, I feel a little better about it. I'm not giving up and going to rehab or tattling on myself to my parents and begging for money. I'm responsibly cleaning the fuck up and getting along with this life. Not a bad feeling to have at all, I do believe.

And thank...well, whoever...it isn't cold outside. I was coming off of clonazepam in early February and that was miserable. I was freezing 90% of the time.

There are so many things I want to write down, so I won't forget. I want to remember how strong I was to get through this bullshit. It's born out of necessity though. I couldn't just take the money from my upcoming paycheck to pay for more drugs. It doesn't belong to me; the money's going straight out from my wallet to my car lender, my cell phone provider (cuss them!!), my landlord. It's a turning point; I can keep this thing going and lose a lot of my life or I can turn it around and get back to another, more substantial life. I wish I could think of something else right now.

I'm at work until 6pm tonight so that's pretty awesome. After that I'm going running. I ran a mile and walked another 2 yesterday. Hopefully I can run 2 miles today and walk another 2 on top of that. I used to run 3.5 miles almost every day after work. Then it got cold and I can't stand running on an indoor track. I get too dizzy, going round and round.

Haha, I'm out of time. If you read this, have a good day and hope for the best.

So, I've been going through what folks would call a 'mental relapse' of late. It bothers me significantly but at the same time, I don't really give a shit.

I guess I started having these thoughts in the middle of the week. I wanted to have some beers after work. I called my sponsor after I got done work and made the last 2 minutes of a meeting here in town.

I understand that I'll have thoughts of using. Believe me, I've had plenty of moments and plenty of thoughts. This has been different. I think bI know the source/trigger that inspires them. Very simply, i feel inadequate.

Anyway, my folks went out of town and I told them I'd keep an eye on their place and swing by sometime and mow their lawn.

Saturday night I swung by their pad, picked up the newspapers laying out front and popped into the kitchen. For some reason it was very important for me to locate where my diabetic dad keeps his syringes nowadays. I looked in a few of the kitchen cabinets that used to be where they were kept but didn't see them. I started to get a bit obsessive about it and tore through every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.

I managed to restore myself to some sort of sanity, locked the doors and went home.

Yesterday, I cruised back over their place to mow the lawn. After the yard work was done I searched for those syringes again. I looked in the same exact fucking spots as I did the might before (as if they would magically appear overnight). I stopped myself before I became too obsessive about it. I knew if I went through their bedroom I would be placing myself deeper into old behaviors that I am trying very hard to break myself from.

I had $35 in my pocket that day and as I was looking for those spikes I developed a plan. $20 would go to a half gram of coke, $10 would go to a bag of dope and $5 would go towards some shitty beer or a nick of weed.

This is how $35 would REALLY play out for me though. Yeah I would spend it according to the outline above but that would be a shitty relapse. If I'm gonna go the fuck out, I'm gonna go out hard so... Monday would be the first paycheck from my new job. I'd hit the ATM, buy a six pack of good beer, drink a few on my way to the city, buy 5 grams of powder, two nickels of weed (just because) and a bundle of dope.

Shit, today I'm thinking that, since I now know where to score meth in town (yeah we learn some other shit in NA as well) I would LOVE to try shooting it since I never have.

Know what's stopping me from getting high these past few days? Yeah, I absolutely 100% WANT to get fucking high, I wanna escape and feel falsely good about myself but I really don't want all the other shit that comes along with it.

Yeah, man I love the 'coming up side' of gettin' high but for me, that 'coming down side' will destroy me. I may feel horribly about myself at this moment but I will feel MUCH more horrible if I succumb to an immediate, momentary pleasure.

The thing that sucks is that I KNOW ALL OF THIS but I STILL want to go to the city and do this. RIGHT NOW! (especially since my $860 paycheck hit)

We sure do like to mindfuck ourselves, don't we?

i have a pretty decent tolerance to opiates it takes atleast 2 oc 80s to get me high how should i handle a 25 mcg patch

see: /r/christinahendricks

i have kadian 100mg morphine pill and idk how much to take! any advice, i have a pretty high tolerance. i take up to 11 vicodin and be fine...so im good on tolerance. Half or whole? i wanna be safe and not SUPER F'D UP!!! i just wanna be at a cool level like...4 norcos or so. Please help me. how much is a safe amount for my weight. My weight is 110lbs with a semi high tolerance. any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Yeah, getting clean is fucking HARD in the beginning. Its awkward, painful, terrifying, unfamiliar and full of doubt concerning the ability to go on.

After the 'newness' fades, the obsession to use leaves and a certain awkward 'balanced' feeling replaces the unfamiliarity of the beginning stages of the process.

Fear still is the primary motivating factor involved in maintaining complete abstinence.

I realize that the beginning of this process may not have been the hardest. Fuck... can I even say that it was somewhat easy? All I had to do was stay clean. All I had to think about was staying clean. All I had to apply effort to was staying clean.

Now its different. I'm forgetting what brought me here. Life is starting to become... well... life is gettin' 'lifey'.

Feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, general self-hatred, hopelessness, apathy and disappointment have made their return.

I want an escape, a moment of self-indulgent pleasure, a way to feel good about myself (even if it is a false feeling)

I'm doing everything that is suggested (even the things I don't want to do). I'm working real fucking hard at this and have been for over 9 months. Why do I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread?

Why do I feel like a horrible person?

Why do I have the most violent desires than I've EVER had in my life?

Why do I want to hurt myself?

Why do I see no point in anything?

It'll all pass. I know it will.

I JUST CAN'T USE DURING THE INTERIM

9 months and 1 week ago was when I got clean. It seems like forever and I've gone through a lot in that short time. I've worked real hard at this and I've just started rebuilding my life.

I WILL NOT THROW IT ALL AWAY.

I still believe that service to others is key. Service is the exact opposite of self-centeredness and complete selfishness.

Time to prove this. Getting high would be self-serving and a disservice to ANYONE that I encounter or who is a part of my life. How can I possibly be there for others when I am self-seeking?

Time to own up to being in service and feel the pain. I'm not the first and more are on the way. Time to REALLY do this. Just as I need others, others might just need me

Today is Saturday, May 29th, 2010 and it is now 1004 AM here in Cebu, Philippines.

The show, till' now:

Learning that the "love of my life," Jackie, had a secret baby and had not told me the truth about several major facets of her life. We were still on an ocean going ferry, heading to Cebu City, on Cebu Island and Jackie was literally begging me not to end our relationship when I ended the last entry...

Rachamim: Jackie, whether-or-not you realise it, things could never be the same for us...not even close. Even if I agree to stay with you it would not be what we had before. Honestly? At the moment I have absolutely no desire for you.

Jackie: Raki, you swore you would never leave me! You SWORE!!!

R: "Jackie, that was made to a woman I thought I knew. Since you are NOT the woman I know THAT promise is no longer valid."

J: "NO! You promised! You swore!"

R: "Sigh. Look, you just not getting the message. Go home, go be a mother and a wife, I am not going to break up anyone's family. EVER."

J:"You didn't break up anything, I was alone before leaving and even if you leave me now I will never go back."

R: "Be that as it may be, at least I will have a clear conscience."

J: "My sister knew my marriage was over. Muhammed was living in camp (his FOB, army post). Whenever he came I wouldn't let him near me!"

R: "Jackie, you had a baby! What does it matter WHERE he slept after?"

J: "As I said, the baby was a mistake."

R: "He didn't rape you Jackie. Whether you regret it or not is not relevant, you had relations.

Since you did, it shows that at least at that point in your relationship you had an ongoing sexual contact. I am sorry but 2 months, as in the 2 months between having that baby and you and I beginning this relationship are nowhere as much time as is needed.

Also, the fact that you and I were friendly during the time you got pregnant and all through that pregnancy leads me to believe that you had had an ulterior motive, since you never once mentioned that you were pregnant, had given birth or even that you had seen Muhammed and he was living with you!"

J: "What do you mean? I don't really understand your point."

R: "When people are friends, or friendly, they share things like a 9 month pregnancy Jackie. You never even mentioned it remotely.

As you have always told me, when pregnant with the girls you had awful sickness (Morning Sickness). As you said, 'When I am pregnant I get sooooo sick'.

In other words, you were sick while pregnant with Ibrahim, I am sure but never mentioned it? You hid it from me Jackie."

J: "I hated the pregnancy."

R: "That is not my point. The point is that you fucked your ex! You understand now? You fucked your ex, telling me how you dislisked him, how u felt nothing for him, even as you and I were working on our friendship!

You were decieving me and really had no reason to. I wasn't even involved with you.

What bothers me much more? Since we weren't involved, and since you purposely kept it from me? And as you were fucking him? It draws a picture of you making a conscious choice to deceive me and since you willingly had sex with him it makes me wonder what your motive might have been in this deception, because for sure it was not affection for me.

Why are you with me?"

J: "I love you!"

R: "No! Why did you start our relationship? Your sister says you borrowed a lot of money from Noevermber up until April 28th, what was your reason?"

To be continued...

Today is Monday, May 24th, 2010 and it is now 430 AM here in Cebu, Philippines.

To help the 1/10th of 1 person who actually reads my rants, catch up, here is where I left off last time:

Reunited with Jackie, boarded a ferry in Nasapit (Butuan) Mindanao, for Cebu, an over night trip. Lying in our private cabin, Jackie sleeping safely in my arms, I got an IM from her eldest sister, the catalyst for all the drama of late.

She began dogging Jackie out, I told her, in my always civil manner, to cut the childish shit, and in reply I was told that Jackie is a compulsive liar who left not 2 kids, but 3, including an 11 month old infant son when she ran away (to a life with me.) As if THAT is not fucked up enough, I was also told that contrary to Jackie being separated for 2 years (which is what Jackie has always said), her "husband" is in shock because he didn't even know they were having serious problems.

Finally, when I brought up the fact that I had been in Jackie's home, why was none of this apparent, I was told that that would be impossible because Jackie, her husband, and their 3 very young children share base housing with her sister and their family. This last part I may not have posted but just to get it all out there, there it is.

So here we are...

When Jackie woke up, still in my arms, and asked me who I was IMing to, I honestly told her that it was her eldest sister. Her eyes got big and she immediately ordered me, "Don't talk to her!!!"

Rachamim: "Jackie, I need to ask you a question."

Jackie: "Stop talking to my sister! How did she get your ID!?"

R: "I would imagine that when Mohammed (pseudonym for her ex) rifled your door and stole the Blackberry, and some of your belongings that they would have found it in your Chat Log...

J: " What did she say???"

R: "Jackie, baby, tell me about Ibrahim (pseudonym for her alleged infant son)."

NOTE: Jackie is brown skinned but turned as white as my ass in a New York December while she lay there...and then began shaking violently with tears running down her face.

After a very long , and VERY quiet interval...

Jackie: "Ibrahim was a mistake, but I will respect you if you leave me."

NOTE: I swear, not many things can shock me in life. I have seen babies town apart by bombs, dead people every week for years on end but when she said what she just said, my world went black... and not from anger, just sheer, unmitigated and gut wrenching pain.

I am proud of myself because I held it together and did not scream, did not cry, I am not capable of violence towards women so that was never an issue anyway...but through it all I simply sat up, looking at the floor and just nodding my head.

Jackie was sobbing but trying to do so quietly. I am certain that she never felt I would find this out. After all, she had left it all behind, she had no reason to ever worry about my contacting her family...or her friends, and then this.

Rachamim: "So, virtually everything I know about you is some fantasy bullshit (calmly said in monotone)?"

Jackie: "I love you SOOOOOO much..."

R: "How does THAT work? That 'LOVER' thing you are talking about? Cause, ya' see, it has been my ignorant belief that 'love' is built upon a foundation of trust and honesty. If every major thing I know about you is a lie, then our relationship is a lie. Then, to top it off, you have placed the both of us in a hellishly tight place (thinking that I now have to support and provide for someone I do not even know. For that I should I been one of those fools who dates online. Me, the stunningly clever intellect who thought to himself that he had covered every angle with this girl and still came out with deep respect and adoration...me....look at me!!!!!).

Jackie: "Baby, please, look at me, pleaseee (sobbing harder)."

Rachamim: "No, not at all... (then, with a sudden realisation)...You mean, I have just caused pain and heartache for an innocent man? I destroyed a family??? YOUR family? How...How could this happen? Why did this happen?"

NOTE: No matter how poor you are, if you are a Westerner, or for thart matter just about any other nationality/provenance, you will always be on very unequal footing, with a Fiipina GF, wife or lover when it comes to money and quality of life. You can work in Burger King salting crisps and still make more than most physicians in the Philippines.

However, to minimise this obvious attraction Jackie had always thought of me as being stone broke. I never discussed money with her, nor had she ever asked for any. I did offer to help her when she had told me that Mohammed had cut her off financially but even there faced great resistance. Jackie was NOT motivated by money.

What was it then? Why did this happen? Did she not love Mohammed? If not, why have a baby in June of 2009???

I had many questions.

Rachamim: Jackie, look at me please, I am going to take a walk about the ship, get some air, when I come back I am going to ask you some questions and I will expect, now, finally, that you will be honest with me and answeer those questions truthfully."

Jackie merely nodded her head lightly, still sobbing and shaking.

Cognisant of her faux-suicide attempt 2 weeks before, I told her the following:

Rachamim: "No matter what happens between you and I, I will not abandon you and leave you in the street. We will discuss this calmly when we have both calmed down, I want your word that you will not do anything crazy while I am out.

SILENCE except for sobs and shudders

R: Jackie, are you listening to me?

Jackie: "Done go Raki, please, please, I need you. I love you so damn much. Everything I did, I did for you, for us. Please don't leave me alone here, please..."

NOTE:I sat down, at a chair though, on the other side of the cabin.

Rachamim: "OK, I am here."

SILENCE, light sobbing.

Rachamim: "Jackie, how is that you never told me about Ibrahim?"

Jackie:" Ibrahim was a mistake. He should have never happened. I was trying to fix what was wrong, I couldn't fix it. I hated myself for even allowing it, in turn I hated even looking at the baby. I had my (2nd eldest) sister take him. She is his (surrogate/adoptive) mom now."

R: "I am not so much concerned that you have another child, as much as I am concerned that he was born in June of 2009. It means, AFTER I met you, you were still having relations with Mohammed! It means that you got pregnant, never told me you were pregnant or even that you gave birth...and that you have been telling me over and over that you had not been with him since the spring of 2008!!!?"

To be continued...

(Edited for spelling)

So I put on sport suntain lotion while doing gardening, so my ears wouldn't get sunburned. There's nothing worse than sun burned ears; then they peel, and it looks like you have dandriff. Nothing worse- except a friggin allergic reaction, that is. It so noticeable. I have long hair, it's finally warm, so I put it up when I work outside.... Now my freak rash is highly
visible... It's like hives, itchy and bright red! I wanted to go to a baseball game, throw on a basecall cap to keep my head from frying, but if I were sitting behind someone like me... in a baseball cap, I'd run for cover! Gross!
So the doc gave me three prescriptions... One is a steroid, I'm to take 5 today, then 4 tomorrow, then 3.... down the line 'til their gone. Side effect: hyperness. Ya, no shit? My heart was racing from the 2 I took last night. So that yardwork that needs to get done? Oh, it'll get done alright...
Hope everyone has a great Memorial Weekend- I plan on swimming all weekend. It's finally the season, and here in Wisconsin, it could end by August, so we take advantage of our summers here!
'Til next time.... stay safe, healthy, and happy!

Day after day, it seems all I do is all the same. Boredom used to kill me because of that. Now I could say I got used to it. But if I did why does it still bother me?

I try to sum up my life, good and bad things that happened to me and that I did. It's kind of strange when I live a life like I can get a call or call myself, go to some club then not sleep at all because the Sun is already shining and I've got some work to do whether it's some stupid thing in downtown or chemistry.

But yet I lead a double life. The first one might be that. The second isn't drugs or other things marked as 'bad' by society. These merged long time ago. So I might have like 1000 faces and it's still one side of my life.

One of those nights. A period of time that happens from time to time, I suffer from loneliness, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where my potential is. Or the other way around I go crazy and don't know what's going on with me. So much energy comes into me. I've got so many ideas. I may be a maniac then or a drowning in depression empty man. Whatever.

Both reasons are good to go out and hit some club. Pop something, I mean I'm really convinced I quit opioids, I just hold on that's why there's methadone. But quiting this doesn't mean quiting that. Could do some MDMA or MDA or both as a mix, it's great... K may be good as well and if it looks like it's going to last and there'll be some after-party - to hell with it. Yes, I do some chemicals recreational. I kill loneliness coming up to some gal who significantly tries to catch someone's eye either if she's calm and acting alone or if she's alpha in the club and goes all the way so jerks think "she'll never be mine". Whatever, so let's break the ice - it may be both the calm type or the extrovert one. In real life they both found their way of showing they're in some pain. Not going into the details of complicated women's inside nature, I might just leave the part when she's totally positive about "breaking the ice". All in general. Students hostels are just great like she's saying "my roommates are out and probably drinking or already too drunk to come back so maybe we go to my place?" or other smarter and more sensible phrase suggesting we go and heal our pains. But it doesn't last forever and while the talk part is the most important for mind there's nobody to blame that other kind of activity blows the body with neurotransmitters and hormones banging at sites promoting feelings of euphoria, composure, relief of pain both psychological and physical...

A general reflection on one of my "other than drugs" way to cure myself. And I just lost the thread as I had gone for this fucking levothyroxine tab so my damned hypothyroidism is satisfied. Just a quarter and I will take a shot of methadone syrup to wash down clonazepam pills with. That's the beginning of my fucking day, it doesn't change. I could be somewhere on Kamchatka with some countryman speaking in Chukchi and I'd still have to do the same. But let's get back to where I am.

Taking a shower, checking mails, searching for some one goddamned article among zillions of journals to find a solution for something I might be doing later today... After all of that (some tea and breakfast-fast-fast during some pause) I will head to the university to fight against stupid professors who think their degree had changed them into ubermensch kind. Some skirmish in deanery also does it well...

...Well, to hell with them all. Hoping my presence at the lab might bring a smile to a narrow group of people there, I will show up. It's worth even to explain someone that "kyselina octová" is the name for "acetic acid".

Has anyone heard of these? Are they good? Legit?

I've been carrying around with me all the final texts between me and my ex. It's been like a year now...I just now hit *delete all*... that's it...they're gone... If it was meant to be, our paths will cross again.

who the fuck knows


Incidentally I went back to a cave the other night we (ex) had sex in.... it wasn't good sex, spur of the moment lets just do it to say we did it kinda thing, smelly place lol... but there was a huge hole in the back of the chamber that looked like it went up. Water trickled down from above. Like a good 20 feet up. I wondered if there was a cave system when we visited it years ago.. I went back a few nights ago and found out for myself. Some people had propped a tree trunk and some sticks so you could climb up to the hole... It was at 'Devil's Hole Park' in Niagara falls NY.. I think that might actually be 'the' devil's hole... snapped a good shot with a bat flying down.. could have died..made it up though... and the cave kept going up.. so there's more to explore. Had to turn back, but I made it up to the first tier...I wanted to climb higher, I could have free climbed to the next section, it was like a semi-circle stair case with a trickle of water...

I can't believe I finally deleted it...all those txts from the break up were so emotionally charged.. I wanted it to work so bad with Sabrina, I thought I'd spend my life with her. The circumstances were just so fucked up... I don't know.. fuck it, clean slate, let's see what the future holds. Let's go climb up into another hole (interpret that as you wish)

I hope the act of wiping all that stuff off my phone helps.. so much love, then so much hate, back and forth.....*booom*

off to go rearrange the living space

*edit*
oh fuck me running, of course I had to accidentally lock one text "Thanku for being there"... after I fucking ran away because I was afraid of how crazy she was.. I wanted to take care of her but she was gonna kill me or herself... why the fuck am I even writtting thing shit



...whatever....this is for this best...might be able to move on or some crap like that

I missed American Idol last night, my DVR did not record it. I got home late because I looked at every mosquito preventative there is on the market....I bought 7 different varieties...it's my goal NOT to get bit by those little nasty fuckers this summer. They are so disgusting.....mini little fucking vampire things. What if this were pre-historic times??
Anyway, I got home, the fucking DVR wasn't doing it's job, AGAIN, all I saw is Crystal's last performance.
Okay.... she's got some pipes on her, but fuck, if I was on Idol, I woulda bought some Crest White strips by now...... damn, girl! I'd do anything to have perfect teeth myself......just saying.
So I searched half the night for Lee's performances, who by the way, I hope wins.
It's like some secret society or something. I can never find that night's performance. Why????
And to top off my night, I ran outside quick to see why my brand new solar light wasn't working..... I got bit by a fucking mosquito.

Mom got on a freaken rant at me tonight. She's telling my ex friend Mike (who's her friend, no longer mine, & has been a long time,) her friends, & the whole world, the family what a bitch I am cause I stay to myself. Whatever. She's kicking me out unless I pay 2 1/2 xmore rent, ha ha. I wrote a shit load, but not gonna bore the reader with long ass bullshit. She said she was sorry she forked up the loan for getting me attorney for something I didn't do back in 2006. I said, "Gee thanks whatever mom. Yeah too fucking bad." I've had 3 pay cuts, chronic fatigue, been payin the fuckn loan, blah blah. I hardly think I'm bad for staying to myself. I don't steal, I don't ask her for $, I do work, & I've paid the damn loan & heard no end. What fucking ever. Thanks mom.

1. Mushrooms. Lagor and people were there. I ate about 1.2 g maybe.

2. Acid. Peter and I each ate 1 tab. Night before winter break. Very intense mind but not too visual. Watched Spiderman 3 on the comedown. Went out to 3 trees after I think.

3. Acid. Peter, Charlie, Macmahill, Josh Green and more. We each ate 1 tab. Wandered around in the snow. Lots of snowballs thrown.

4. Mushrooms. I ate about ~1.8g. Lagor, Schulze ate more. Schoder, Kern, Charlie all had about 1.8.

5. Acid. Schoder, Joe Haydon, Macmahill I think. Each had 1 tab, played basketball and waited for them to kick in.

6. Acid. Schoder and I each ate 1.5 tabs. It was the night of Paddy Murphy selection.

7. Acid. Schoder, Kern, Johnny Ball, Wynn. Schoder and I had 2 tabs each, Johnny and Kern had 1.5 each. Wynn had 1 of the Futurama. Went to Gilson and Baha'i Temple. Wynn made comment about "Your actions incriminate you" when someone ran from a cop car.

8. Acid. Pat and I each had 2 tabs. Gilson, Baha'i, Choochoo train park.

9. Mushrooms. Schoder, Knott and I each ate 3 grams. Went to Gilson and found a great spot on the dog beach. Went to Evanston rocks spot when Hansen and Dynek gave us a ride and smoked with us. Ended the night at original spot. Talking about being 90 made me scared to get old.

10. Acid. Wynn and I. Ate 2 then biked over to his house and gave him 2. Chilled and smoked in his garage for a while waiting for onset. There was a huge thunderstorm outside, which was cool. Biked to 24-hour deli and stood outside for a while. Biked around town and on the New Trier track for a while. Great visuals there. Went to charlies and drank/messed with fireworks. Resulted in me getting a $50 ticket for underage consumption. Watched Law and Order til 5:15.

11. Acid. The last trip was on a Sunday, this was the following Thursday. Knott and I ate 2 each. Beghou sat and drank. We went to Chris Williamson's house and tripped in his backyard and basement. Rode around in the car for a while and went to Potbelly's. Nothing special.

12. Acid. With Schoder on the next Thursday after the previous trip. I ate 2.5 he ate 2. Walked around in Crow Island Woods. Awesome trip. Then went back to his house and it got shitty. A bunch of people were around and we had to sober up only 3 hours into the trip. Smoked a J on the way to Buff Joe's in the convertible and got so fucked up. Went back to Schoder's and chilled, smoked a lot and drank. Got stopped by a Winnetka cop on the way home.

13. Acid. Ate 2 tabs with Wynn and biked down the Green Bay Trail. Saw great fireflies at the Glencoe park. Went back to Wynn's and chilled in his dark garage. Sat there for about 30-45 minutes almost without talking. Went for a long walk and saw a cop in the alley who just said hello to us. Got back to his house and hung out in kitchen. Went up to his room to see his music studio setup. Here's where shit got wild. Smoked a fat joint out on his back porch. Felt the effects of light headedness and thought I might pass out. Walked to the garage to get my bike after saying goodbye to him and it seemed like an eternity but he then followed me out there and locked his own bike. That's how I knew something was wrong. Biked home by taking a left out of his driveway and literally got lost. Couldn't remember where I was or how to get home. Once I saw Natalie Stone's house I calmed down a little but was still so fucked up. I remember seeing leaves on trees and noticing they were all in fractal shapes of squares and rectangles. I found the thought of telling my parents I had rectangle vision amusing. At this point I realized there were voices that weren't my own talking in my head. They seemed to be vying for control of me. Once inside, I could barely calm down. I was a prisoner to my own thoughts. I looked into my mirror for a long time and seriously forgot which side I was on. At this point I seriously thought I had snapped. I thought of my options, telling my parents, going to the hospital for anti psychs, etc. I was terrified I had gone crazy. I leaned my head against my closet door and my eyes on each side could see the opposite rooms. My right eye could see inside my closet and my left could see my room. I swore I could feel both sides of my brain working to control both respective eyes. I tried to calm down but couldn't. Laying in my bed in the dark was uncomfortable because I could see the entire universe in my mind. Weather my eyes were closed or open at this point I do not know. I felt like it had been an eternity. I was having at points what can only be described as an out of body experience. I could literally see myself in third person. I texted wynn to confirm how long ago we smoked. It had only been 30 minutes, but felt like forever. I waited about 15 minutes and debated on the pros/cons of taking my reserve Klonopin. Ended up being miserable and needing to take the half. Then I was legitimately worried I had poisoned myself. I began to swear off all drugs. I was convinced/unconvinced that I had taken a drug besides acid, even though I have used these tabs before. I was trying to face the wall, but kept reaching out to make sure it was still there. I went to the bathroom to fill up a waterbottle. The trip was incredibly hard and nerve wracking. At this point I couldn't even remember if I had taken the half Klonopin to calm down. I noticed it was 3am by this point, and I was feeling more relaxed, more down to Earth. I believe I passed out at this point. I woke up feeling fine.

14. 2 tabs each, Wynn and I. Longboarded around Kenilworth waiting for them to kick. Had a great start but about 3 hours in Wynn flipped out. Told me he was "picking up an energy around me" and asked if I was gonna kill myself. I obviously would never but he clearly was in another universe. We split up, he went home and I longboarded through kenilworth and the green bay trail for about an hour and a half then hung with schoder and drove around. Last time I do acid with Wynn maybe forever.

15. 1/2 tab. Ate it alone at home in afternoon. Smoked buds and grilled. Went out later.

16. 1 tab. Took 1/2 tab and then another 1/2 at about the 1:30 mark.

17. 1 tab. Lollapalooza. Took 1/2 on the train with Schoder then took another 1/2 later in the day. Candyflipped.

18. 1 pinch mushrooms. Didn't really do shit.

19. 2 grams shrooms at lolla.

20. 1/2 tab acid after shrooms and with e and 1/2 tab again during Cypress Hill.

21. 1.7 grams shrooms, smoked at choochoo park and didn't do much else.

22. 11 grams truffles in Amsterdam. It was cold and raining. Walked around all night with Chuck and Kern, then saw a sex show. Huge body load that was pretty uncomfortable at times. Still had a great night.

23. I think 1 Tab. Sat in my room and around my house when the whole family was home. Pretty uneventful. Smoked a nice joint when everyone went to sleep and saw amazing patterning in the trees in the side yard.

24. 1/2 tab at Etzlers, then 1/2 again like 2.5 hours later at Pretty Lights New Years Eve. Also consumed 1 Green Equals and 1 Capsule Molly. Had an incredible night. Vicks vapor rub all over my body. Danced hard, but nothing crazy like Lolla.

25. 2 tabs at the castle with schoder. Dropped at about 3:30am when we were both very drunk. I think we had both consumed Cocaine that night too. Both took 1.5 then another .5 about 30 minutes later because I thought it wasn't worth saving. Had very intense visuals and talked all night until about 10am when kids started waking up. Then took 1mg Xanex and started drinking. Ended up staying up all day and going to Pour House to drink and watch football. Finally napped from like 6-8 before Old Crow.

26. Dropped 1 tab with Mitchell. He was bugging out a little I think. We chilled in Cone's room and vid chatted Chelsea Price for about an hour or 2 before Mitchell disappeared for the night. Again, we were both very drunk when consumed. It was after a Late Night at the house, so probably around 3:30am. Stayed up until about 9:30 before passing out. Nothing incredible, but I had a great long talk with Freeman basically the whole night while he was blowing Adderall.

27. Dropped 1 WOW with Kern and Gerth. Kern and I dropped another each about 30 mins later. Nothing special. This was around 1am, so we were hanging with kids all night. Got it in with wish a few hours later after a pretty uneventful night just smoking at the house and calling goats over. Not really the best visuals by any means, but the headspace and body high were nice. I would take 3 of these next time.

28. Dropped 4 WOW with Schoder, Kern took 3, Freeman had I think 3. Destroyed Peter's door. Chilled in Kern's room for a long time and then smoked and hung in Lucas's room listening to great music until about 7:45am then we all left. Talked to Mel for about 90 minutes on the phone then fell asleep.

29. Superfunk. Dropped the last 5 WOW with Montini (2.5 each). Had a great lineup that was super funny. I thought it would be depressing and negative feeling but it was actually a blast. Smoked a bunch and just sat back and watched. Great night.

30. The next night. Had 4 tabs from Mitchell and took 1, gave 1.5 each to Ball and Winship. It didn't hit me as hard but they seemed to love it. It was Winship's first time so I'm sure he really blasted off.

31. Diplo in Columbus. Candyflipped.

32. Next night. Dosed with Mac, then secretly dosed Kern in a shot. We all did more and then Ted and Joe asked for some. Very fun night. Morgan's 21st.

33. Dropped 3 with Schoder and Gerst after coming back from uptown. Did some Gascid late in the trip (~7am) with Schoder and blacked out multiple times. Would like to try it again closer to the peak though.

Anybody can say whatever they want on my blog... I'm just going to start numbering them....
So, this is officially #1!

There really aren't any rules, except one:
Don't insult anyone! Nobody needs to leave feeling worse than when they cane to get something off their chest! We clear? Great!

I fucking missed American Idol, dammit!
Yes, I am a fan from day one. It was supposed to record on my DVR, but noooooooooo. God! Why did I have to look at every single mosquito prevention product available? WHY WHY WHY????

I gotta go find it online somehow.... and somehow,
I never can....... Dang it all to pieces!

Wow, I can't believe it... I actually made it to the doc on time today. Amazing!! What was freaky was I ended up right behind the same lady I was behind near the same time 2 weeks ago, but I was running late and in a hurry. She was pissing me off to no end.... when she came to the railroad tracks that are smooth as a baby's behind, she got a big "Fuck You honk" from me.... I flippin knew she would come to a crawl at the tracks. She gives me the finger... I return the gesture, but I double barreled her ass.
So ya, I end up behind her again! but.... I had 3 minutes to spare, a good Journey song was on, I was having a good hair day and my freckles are beginning to make their yearly appearance, so I didn't let it bother me!!! Wow!
So I had a great day all around, even trying on swimsuits was less painful since I've managed to drop around 30 lbs after struggling with thyroid disease for years. My body finally found my metabolism again! Yup... a good day, that is, until 15 minutes ago while checking my bank account. I found a debit from reunion.com cone out. WTF? I remember some pop up while on Classmates, but I don't recall signing up and giving permission to debit my account. It's only $8.94, but I never noticed it before... Multiply that by a million people... I'll take that much cash!
So after asking for my "lost password" and receiving no response, I finally found the customer service email link, I wrote:
Please IMMEDIATELY STOP DEBITING MY BANK ACCOUNT FOR A SUPPOSED MEMBERSHIP. UNDERSTAND? CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP RIGHT THIS MINUTE. NOT NEXT WEEK, NOT NEXT MONTH, RIGHT NOW. IF ONE MORE DEBIT FROM YOUR COMPANY, OR MYLIFE OR ANY AFFILIATION OF YOUR COMPANY IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER NOW, OR THE PAST, IN THE NEAR FUTURE, OR IN THIS CENTURY DEBITS ONE MORE PAYMENT FROM MY ACCOUNT, MY VERY GOOD FRIEND, AN ATTORNEY, WILL BE HAPPY TO FILE A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND HOW MANY OTHERS??? THANK YOU.
..I think they get the hint to cancel that shit.....
Time for some (if you have an iPhone, you'll see it!)
'Til torrow y'all..