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i had one last weekend and didn't take it.

now i'm finding it tough to get over because i realise i'll never get that same golden opportunity again.

maybe another time with someone else

but it's hard to look forward when you can't stop thinking of the recent past

God am i just fooling myself

i need to change i need help. i need encouragement or something.

sometimes i manage to fool myself and be happy and smile

but i think deep down i'm one sad mother fucker

no one likes a sad cunt

if you're sad deep down it's hard to give out a good positive vibe. people can sense that

genuinely happy people give good vibes. for me it takes energy. a lot of energy, constantly

there are times where that energy runs out and you find yourself down, depressed and feeling sorry for yourself

but i hate that. feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time. there's no point. if you're gonna use energy, use it towards being positive and moving forward

but when time after time that appears to fail you start to lose a little faith and start believing that it's never gonna be as bright as you hope it will be

i'm not sure what to do except just carry on. carry on and try your best to stay positive. it ain't always easy though. at times you feel like, what's the point? being an unhappy miserable cunt isn't easy.

but i guess with a little time you soon realise you're just being a bitch and feeling sorry for yourself and it's time once again to just suck it in and carry on. lift your head, stand tall and march on, because once you let life defeat you, then you're simply fucked.

I didn't expect my feet to be the worst part of my detox. I was pretty sure it was gonna be the depression, maybe the diarrhea. I would've expected fatigue, insomnia, but none of this has been the slightest issue.

It's my Damn feet and this job fucking sucks without pain pills. I just popped two motrin but its not helping yet. You plan out your method of quitting: "I'll probably go through x and y. I'll taper this way. It'll be nice to be at work to keep my mind busy." Nope. I just want to lay around all day popping xanax, smoking weed. If I didn't need money right now I'd puke and go home @ lunch.

Instead I'm sitting in the warm warehouse typing my bluelight blog entry for today on my cell phone.

So i went to this big ass party on saturday and got drunker then i have been in years. It was a good party and i had a great time until some little twat decided to try and pick a fight with me. Now im usually alot more mellow these days then i was when i was younger granted i still have my moments even when sober. But in the past when i was drunk my short fuse would become non existant. A few years ago and even sober i would have gladly have smashed his useless head in.

So what did i do when this little cunt decided to give me shit? I simply gave him a warning and told him to fuck off out of my sight. A friend of mine told him to lay off before he got himself killed. My friend has known me for a long ass time as me and his older brother who is now deceased (may he RIP) grew up together and he had seen me in more then a few fights over the years. I really didnt want to cause a scene as the party was for my now dead best friends parents and i spent as much time at their place growing up as i did at my own. Also beating the shit out of someone in front of a bunch of women does not look cool no matter how macho you might think you are.

So am i just older or am i getting wiser and finally mellowing out? The little prick was hardly worth causing a scene over much less bringing everyone at the party down because of it. I guess only time will tell if it's just age or me finally getting some fucking sense.

Also hangovers these days are more like recovering from minor surgery

Out at the grill today, i reached underneath to disconnect the propane tank and BAM! A searing pain rips through the top of my right pointer finger and hand. I draw back with fury and a yellow and black wasp bounces down around my body and to the ground. All I can think of is burning flesh, touching something much too hot and it taking a second to really sink in.

But it definitely did.

In all my cursing and jumping and finger-squeezing, I was able to think for a second. I couldn't think at all at first. My first thought was that I just knicked it on the turn valve. Then the venom spread and I began, "FUUUUUCKKK. Bitch, bitch. God fucking DAMNIT!!"

I ran through the house, eventually over to the medicine cabinet. I just wanted someone to take care of this for me. I'd go to reach for something but the pain would return full fledged and I'd bend over in agony. This type of pain is WAY bigger than anything I've felt. It still throbs right now ~two hours later. My index finger's swollen up to about an inch in diameter too.

I finally got some burn ointment on it and rubbed an aspirin over it to stop the pain. There was no stinger b/c I had gloves on. Then the pain lessened and I could focus again. Lesson learned; look before you touch.

Today is also day four or five (five i'm pretty sure) of my taper schedule. Last night I only took 5mg and I slept like a monster. I do get tired of waking up every morning without pain pills. My legs hurt so badly. Why does it suck so bad not to do opiates? It's strange how I can so easily forget why I get hooked on them so bad when the reasons are staring me right in the face.

They say: "Hey, fucker, your feet and legs hurt like hell. Take some oxy. Hey, douchebag, you owe money to a few places. Take some oxy, you'll forget all about it and watch Sopranos episodes and play xbox and not have to eat. Oh, hey, piece-of-shit, what's wrong? Are you tired? Does your ass itch? Do you have some allergies? Are you completely disappointed with sober, straight life? Take some oxy and it'll all go away."

:D

But I'm feeling really proud about quitting still. I know I'm not totally off yet (still got 2.5mg for tonight) but at least I've got a plan that's almost fully implemented. I am taking xanax and smoking weed and I had a beer last night. But I don't use those things like i do PK's. I don't drink during the work day. I don't smoke weed (that much) throughout the day. I definitely don't take xanax to work. I'd fall the fuck asleep.

I really just want to build my social life. I have definitely been "that guy" who skips going out with his friends b/c of "work early the next morning" when I was just going home early to nod out and be a fuckin loser. I do have a friend that's helping me a lot with the opiate-kick. He's been holding on to my percocet for me, gradually giving me lower doses each night, later and later each night too so I'm reallllly stretching it out the right way.

He was in prison and only one other person than me wrote him letters while he was away. He's basically my best friend b/c of how everyone else has "moved on" in some way or another. I don't blame them for leaving and I really don't have the energy to stay connected with so many people from my past. I grew up with a best friend who lived 4 hours away. I spent summers with him and his folks to get away from where I live now. So, basically, I made pretty damn sure I wasn't going to have a ton of local connections. And I didn't.

Yet, I am not an island. I do have a little family around, most of whom I cannot stand. I spend a lot of time with my brother (well I did before I got back on the pills). We mainly have a few beers and talk shit about our Dad.

What else? Uhhhh...there's a lot more. I thought of a funny idea to start my next short story. It'll be a conversation between an interracial friendship about what it's like to be white. Probably won't have anything to do with the actual piece as a whole.

I used to write a lot. I put a story in WORDS once but it didn't get a lot of attention, not that I expected it to. I sold some of a story once to the theatre director at my college. That was a nice $250. He said he'd use it to develop dialog in another unrelated, dramatic script. Whatever, it was still fuckin awesome to get paid for something I enjoy, at least more than the job I have now.

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 1136PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Misconception # II

"Israel Ethnically Cleansed 'Palestine' of its Arab inhabitants When It Became a Nation in 1948"

Today Israel has 1.2 million Arab CITIZENS. Israel is an incredibly small place, it can be driven north to south in less than 4 hours, under the speed limit. Ergo, either Israel is the most inept genocidal nation the world has ever seen, or the accusation is entirely false.

In fact, Israel DID force SOME Arabs to leave. Between 1949 and 1952 Israel evicted the Arab inhabitants from 11 villages. It did this in border zones where there was a very real concern about infiltration by terrorists and enemy soldiers. However, these 11 villages had all signed the "Obesiance Agreement" with Israel. This was a non-belligerency pact that Israel then completely ignored. This was 100% wrong on Israel's part and the almost 900 Arabs effected by these actions should get more than just the token reparation payout that Israel paid in 1963.

However, critics do not even (usually) know about these 11 border villages. Their charge relates to the mass exodus of Arabs that took place between 1947 and 1949, the event Arabs call, "al Nakhba" (The Catastrophe).

They charge that Israelis, armed to the teeth, raped and pillaged their way across "Palestine," forcing Arabs to flee by committing atrocities and otherwise using violence and overt threats.

First the historical context...the land in question, Israel, the so called "West Bank," Gaza and Jordan have only ever held 2 nations, " (Ancient) Israel" and "Judea." While accepted science, and folklore, holds that Jews were not indigenous to these lands, that they migrated as semi-nomads from what is now Iraq, when they DID settle these lands roughly 4000 years ago they conquered and assimilated the native Peoples, a group of Semitic city states known as the "Canaanites." There was an additional people living in what is now Gaza, the "Philistines."

The Phillistines themselves were conquerors, a Proto-Greek People of the Mycanean Culture, centered on Crete. They too fell before Israel, the last to do so, at around 1000 BCE/BC so that by this era ALL the afore mentioned lands were ENTIRELY Jewish in the political sense, as well as in population and culture.

Conversely, the Arab Peoples who are indigenous to only 1 place on the planet*, did not even begin as a People until the 4th Century BCE/BC!

*The Arabs are indigenous to al Hejaz, a relatively small section of what is now Saudi Arabia.

The first Jewish Nation, the Kingdom of Israel, was already old by the time the Jews defeated the "Palestinians" and with the defeat, and subsequent extinction of the Phillistines, Jews became the indigenous People of these lands.

The 1st Arabs arrived 1700 years later, with the army of Khalifa 'Umar (Caliph Omar) in the 3rd decade of the 7th Century CE/AD,, 2700 years after the Jews arrived.

Still, they did not settle the land, they merely administered it as a backwater province of a far flung empire that within 1 generation stretched from China to Morocco, and up into Europe as far as northern France.

IF France is an "Arab Homeland," IF the Chinese are "Settlers," the "Palestinians" MAY have an argument.

More in the next entry...

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 232PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

I get a suprising amount of PMs here on BL from members curious about Israel, Israelis and to a degree, about Jews in general. For a while now I have been planning to iniate a series of entries on those subjects so that anyone who cares might learn a bit about my nation, and its culture(s).

"MISCONCEPTIONS"

I) "Israelis are Jews."

Israel IS the "Jewish State," the homeland of the Jewish People but less than 80% of Israelis are Jews. Like any nation Israel has minorities. In this case these minorities are ethno-religious in nature.

The lagest minority are the "Israeli-Arabs." I will get into the history as to how Arabs and Jews came to exist on the same piece of land in later entries. Sufficient to say that "Israeli-Arabs" are those Arabs that were living on the land in 1948, when Israel hained statehood, as well as their descendants.

Conversely, "Palestinians" are those Arabs who were living there in 1948 and who fled, along with THEIR descendants, as well as Arabs living in Gaza, the so called "West Bank" and what is now Jordan.

Ergo, "Israeli-Arabs" and "Palestinians" are the exact same "People" except for border demarcations and slightly different post-1948 narrative.

Israeli-Arabs can be found in ALL parts of Israel but are extremely concentrated in the far north of Galilee, a region we call the "Arab Triangle." The main town is Umm al Fahm.

Then there are the "Bedua," or as they are known in English, "Bedouin." Bedua are Arabs but with a highly different culture and a very different form of the Arabic language. There is practically no intermarriage between Israeli-Bedua and no political alliances between the 2 as well.

Another major difference is that Israeli-Arabs rarely serve in the IDF, the Bedua often do.

Another minority that serves in the IDF are the Circassians. Circassians are Slavs and Central Asians from what is the Former Soviet Union. They were brought to the region as military slaves of the Ottoman Empire in the middle of the 19th Century.

Though they are Muslim, and speak Arabic, they do not intermarry with other groups and have their own distinct culture and customs. Many are typically Slavic in appearance (blonde hair, blue eyes), which is another thing that sets them apart.

Another minority, related to the Circassians, and sometimes confused by foreigners to be one and the same are the "Chechens," who were also imported as Ottoman military slaves in the same era as the Circassians. They are also Muslim and also serve in the military.

Both Chechens and Circassians live in very small segregated villages (by choice) in Galilee. There are also communities in Jordan and Syria.

The Druse (Druze) are a religio-ethnic group from northern Israel. Once a sect of Islam, they are members of a religion founded in Egypt nearly 1000 years ago that blends Islam with Christianity as well as Greek Philosophy and other esoteric elements.

There 2 castes in Druse society, one has no responsibility for the faith, and really doesn't even worship (and is not even allowed to study it) while the other is heaviliy involved in religious affairs. With the exception of a single Druse town they serve in the IDF (Cheruv Battalion) and are among the best soldiers Israel has.

They can be found in Lebanon, Jordan and Syria though they are no longer found in Egypt. Speaking Arabic, they do not consider themselves to be Arabs at all. Their own traditions hold that they originally came from Persia (Iran) but there is absolutely nothing to suggest that.

There are "Alawi" (Alawaites), who follow synchrestic religion similar to the Druse and whose members in Syria rule that nation...

I will continue...

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 117PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Most anyone who watches the news these days is aware of an event that took place 5 days ago, in International Waters near Israel.

A flotilla of ships sponsored by the organisation "Free Gaza," which is just a front organisation for "ISM" ("International Solidarity Movement") and 2 main subsidiaries, "PSM" ("Palestine Solidarity Movement") and "IHH," a Turkish organisation. Most people are entirely clueless of the "Free Gaza" and "ISM" connection but then that is not suprising in a world that expects to be spoonfed information.

As is always the case as soon as this incident took place the media, and the world at large rushed to judgement. Israel, as always, was painted into a corner, described as "racist," "thuggish," "violent" and "murderous." Israel, to its discredit, carried on as usual in that it allowed people to make this rush to judgement. Instead of going on the offencive and distributing full video and audio records, it instead went without making any real statements and in doing so it allowed "ISM" and "IHH" to make outrageous accusations, unchallenged.

Within 2 days the tide began to change.

Initially Israel was told it was criminal in blatantly violating International Law, in boarding a Turkish flagged vessel in International Waters. Then the world began to learn of the "San Remo Manual on International Law Applicable to Armed Conflicts at Sea." This cornerstone of Maritime Law showed, in "Neutral Merchant Vessels," Principle 67(a), (b), (c), (d), (e) and (f) that Israel was entirely within its legal rights to board this vessel.

Or, "International Law," subsection, "The Law of the Sea" (2003) edited by the esteemed jurist Michael Evans. This reference shows that International Law clearly permits such a boarding if a neutrally flagged vessel is suspected of having commited a crime against the forum state (the "forum state" being Israel). The "crime" being support of HAMAS and contravention of the Israeli Blockade.

Or, "The US Commanders Handbook on the Law of Naval Operations," a US Naval manual that tells us a nation/state (Israel) may board any vessel as soon as it leaves an anchorage or berth IF said vessel is beileved to be planning to contravene an extant Maritime Blockade. The flotilla all the while had broadcast EXACTLY THAT for months on end.

Israel was called a "Pirate," but Maritime Law clearly defines a "pirate" as someone who boards and seizes a vesse,l AND THEN uses the vessel or its freight for PRIVATE PROFIT OR GAIN.

The issue is then raised, that even if Israel was within its rights, it should NOT have boarded with high powered weapons. After all the critics say, these people were only "Peace Activists."

Israel boarded with painball and pepper bag rifles. It was not until the THIRD landing team that live weaponry was deployed. First came an Israeli team trying to board via a boat and rope ladder. On board sources (2 al Jazeera hacks and an Egyptian member of parliament, tell us that the "Activists" began attacking the Israelis who then aborted the procedure, trying to avoid any violence).

They tell us that next, a copter hovered overhead and landed a team via rappel cables. It was this team that had 4 men taken hostage immediately. It was this team that were beaten seriously and had 9 members shot and stabbed.

THEN a 3rd team landed, from a second larger copter and boarded with Live Fire weapons Locked and Loaded, is it any wonder?

It can be easily broken down as thus:

Team 1, via Fast Boat

Aborted when faced with assault by "Peace Activists"

Team 2, via Copter

As soon as Team 2 landed they came under violent assault by knife, sling shot and physical assault. 2 of the Israeli soldiers in Team 2 had their holstered sidearms taken off of their tactical vests. These side arms (pistols) were then used to shoot Israeli soldiers. 7 Israelis were seriously wounded. 4 were taken hostage.

Still, the rest of Team 2 only deployed the following LTL (Less Than Lethal) weaponry:

A) Precussion Grenades (a.k.a. "Flash Bangs"), a non-lethal munition used to create a diversion via loud sound and bright light, so that an unruly and/or violent crowds can disperse

B) Gas Cans (a.k.a. "Tear Gas" and "Pepper Gas), to disperse an unruly and/or violent crowd.

C) Baton Rounds (a.k.a. "Rubber Bullets"), rubber coated cartridges fired NEAR individuals behaving in a threatening and/or violent matter. They ricochet causing a diversion, as well as an inhibition of movement.

THEN

Team 3, via Copter

LIVE FIRE as soon as they landed, at 415 AM. It took them until 530 AM to fight their way to the bridge of the ship, gain contol of the vessel and rescue their 4 comrades.

You have 1 of the best trained and armed military elements on the planet (Shayetet 13) landing fully Locked and Loaded (ready for conflict), and yet it took them a full 1.25 hours to traverse 48 meters? How "peaceful" were these "Activists"? How "unrestrained" were the Israelis?

It was during this fight to the bridge that 9 members of IHH were killed.

So who is "IHH"? The group is a Turkish Islamo-fascist organisation with direct ties to the terrorist organisation "Global Jihad." The Turkish Government banned IHH in 1997 for weapons smuggling and for proven ties to Bin Laden's al Qadeh as well as 3 other al Qadeh organisations (Mespotamia, Mughrabi and Yamani).

The present Turkish Government, of PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan is dominated by Erdogan's political party, a sister organisation of HAMAS. This is why Erdogan personally rescinded the 1997 ban.

Prior to the Israeli"s arrival on scene IHH leadership aboard the vessel gave lenghthly interviews to al Jazeera Arabic. In the footage, viewable as are many videos of the boardings, on Youtube, one can see where a man dressed entirely in white (the outfit of Islamic martyrs) takes a scimtar (short sword) and angrily stabbed the air as he talks of making JEWS (not Israelis) pay for their "crimes."

One can see dozens chanting, "Khaibar, Khaibar ya ud Yahood, Ja'ish Muhammad...!!!" ("Khaibar, Khaibar oh you Jews, the Army of Muhammad is returning!"

"Khaibar" was an act of genocide against an antire Jewish city, in 628, by Muhammad and his "peaceful" followers. So one sees IHH, I mean "Peace Activists," swinging a sword and vowing to commit genocide against Jews.

After taking control of the ship at 530 AM the Israelis confined all passengers to cabins until 7 AM at which point they were fully searched and restrained until the ship reached the port of Ashdod, Israel.

In port the wounded were immediately given medical treatment and all ambulatory detainees were fully interviewed and offered immediate repatriation. 54 members of IHH, carrying no ID, refused to identify themselves.

Their identities were determined by Interpol dossiers showing all 54 to be known terrorists.

Among AID carried on that particular ship were crates of body armour, night vision equipment and gas masks, for HAMAS. Also found were unmarked envelopes on the persons of most of the 54 men, containing hundreds of thousands of US Dollars and Euros, obviously meant to fund HAMAS inviolation of US, EU, and Quartet Laws and regulations.

The legitmate commodities were also immediately delivered to Gaza.

So, as always, "Jews suck," "criticism of Israel" is actually prejudicial and racist bullshit.

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 1158 AM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Recap: The ferry to Cebu was almost docking, the sun had just come up after a long night of serious dicussions with Jackie, about her many lies...

I didn't see much point continuing this type of conversation because I always psych myself up before arriving. 3rd World ports are not the safest places in the world. Indeed, Cebu City is the nation's crime capital. Cebuanos are rightly or wrongly stereotyped as inherently criminal in the north of the country. I DO know that it is the only city in the world where university fraternities function as organised criminal gangs so it is not the type of city where you want to let your guard down.

Actually, it is kind of ironic because Cebu City is also the place most white foreigners settle, yet another reason why I don't like the place. You move to a foreign nation you should live like the locals. White foreigners though try to live like kings, mistreating everyone around them.

As ferries dock in the south small "prao," dugout outriggers powered by oars flock to the ship. Their occupants, sometimes 4 or 5 years old (and alone) are Bajao tribesmen. The Bajao, or "Samal Bajao," or "Sea Gypsies," are Moros, 1 of the 13 Islamacised tribes of the Southern Philippines. The term "Moro" is Spanish, and was applied by the 1st Spanish explorers who of course saw every Muslim in relation to the North African "Moors" who had occupied Spain and Portugal for nearly 700 years.

The 13 tribes had just become Islamicised (in fact only 12 were, the last, the "Kagan" adopted the faith in the mid-19th Century) when Spain arrived. Bajao however are only Muslim in name, living in close proximity to the truly Muslim tribes required such dissemblance.

Their religion is a combination of animism and ancestor worship. Their settlements are always stilt houses in isolated mangrove swamps, or else they settle atop coral reefs 15 to 20 km off of the nearest land.

If anyone has ever seen the terrible Kevin Costner film, "Waterworld," the sets were actually patterened off of Bajao offshore settlements. I wish I remembered "Maria Callas' " tips on using photos in these Blogs because I have some great shots of these villages.

On coral reefs, in water up to 15 meters deep they sink trunks of coconut palm trees, deep into the seabed (they are natural divers, swimming before walking). They then construct bamboo and plam trunk platforms atop these pilings (the embedded trunks). Atop the platforms they build the bamboo framed nipa plam leaf abodes commonly called "nipas" in the Philippines. They connect each platform with bamboo walkways, often with wide gaps so that only someone very accustomed to this type of structure could navigate these small settlements.

In the early 1990s, before the Abu Sayyaf Insurgency (that targets all foreigners up until the present) most settlements maintained an empty abode for any visitors, free of charge. Truly intrepid travellers (such as yours truly) could spend time amongst these very interesting people. As I said, they swim and deep dive before they can walk and anytime you near a Bajao settlement you can see 4 and 5 year old children in their tiny outriggers, paddling out of sight of any other boats, homes or people. Westerners are almost always shocked to see these things.

In times past this tribe, which is actually a collection of ethnically and linguistically linked tribes, were entirely nomadic. Today though most are settled and can be found on islands as far afield as Australian territory, Malaysia and even some Thai islands (there is another tribe, the Mokken, who are also labelled as "Sea Gypsies" who inhabit Burmese and Bangladeshi islands and are rarely settled still.

In Southern Philippine ferry ports the Bajao await any incoming vessel, roaw out as the ships maneuver to dock, and with amazing seamanship and dexterity manage to never get themselves killed. Imagaine a small cruise ship, as it moves to and fro attempting to mosey into a berth dockside. Now imagine 5 year old kids, in some cases nursing moms and even he very elderly paddling to not be crushed and managing it quite well.

It is amazing really, all the more so when they are only doing this to beg the equivalent of 2 Cents US). Passengers aboard the ferries throw these coins that almost always sink to the bottom in water as deep as 10 meters. The young Bajao then dive into the polluted water sans goggles but with 1 (only 1) flipper on 1 foot, and retrieve the coins.

Many Filipinos (as well as myself) disdain this custom because it fosters this sad interdependance on handouts. In fact, in most Southern cities there are now Bajao ghettos where they simply beg on downtown street corners, usually making less than 50 Cents US a day. Butuan has a huge problem with this.

So, the ferry was docking. Jackie and myself stood at the rail looking at the Bajao, begging and diving, one bare breasted woman, feeding a baby on one breast, made eye contact with me and held out her hand with the fake smile they use when begging. Jackie actually got jealous about this but then she has hardly ever travelled and Cagayan del Oro, her hometown, has suprisingly few Badjao. She more likely-than-not did not understand that the woman was merely trying to hustle me.

We grabbed our bags and walked down the gangplank and into Cebu's port. Like most Philippine ports it functions almost as an autonomous city. We walked the almost 2 kilometers to the port gate and grabbed a taxi, after telling Jackie to do the talking, and to use Cebuano (the language).

When a Filipino speaks "Bisaya" (Visayan) they are usually speaking Cebuano though Bisaya can include Ilonggo, Waray, even Butanon, the indigenous language of Butuan. Most though have a mastery of Cebuano which is the dominant form.

Jackie speaks Cagayano, which is a distinct dialect of Cebuano mixed with hilltribe languages like her father's Higaon-an. I am quite fluent in Cebuano since it is Rizza's native tongue (all Mindanowan Bisayans speak it as a 1st language with slightly different dialects than Cebu Proper). However, even speaking in Cebuano I would be charged the "Kano Tax," which means the unofficial "Foreigner's Price." Jackie talking would save us a nice sum of money.

We travelled quickly along the hiway, out of the city (I was in no mood to come across Rizza who is living there now) and went directly to Compostela, Rizza's father's hometown. On the beach, on the border with the town of Danao, is a resort called "Elsalvador," spelled exactly like that (in proper Spanish it would be "El Salvador").

Whenever Rizza, her father and I would visit Rizza's grandparents we would dine there for lunch. It is one of my favourite places in the entire nation.

The setting is gorgeous, but that is not difficult to find on tropical islands, and to be quite honest the beach leaves a lot to be desired. Very narrow, it is quite rocky.

Re the hotel itself. It is rare to find a Western style hotel in the Philippines. The rooms range from 3rd class rooms to private bungalows. Bungalows are only about 90 US a night, though a fortune in the Philippines (3 weeks wages for most laborers) it is quite acceptable by Western standards.

The menu, in the beautiful cafe is not very baried but they do prepare it well. My favourite thing? Bananas are very abundant here, but the one's people eat in the West are only exported. "Cavendish" bananas have a taste that I love. The native species taste a bit like apples and are slightly harder.

They also make a great mango shake!

I took a bungalow and tried to foist Jackie off in a separate room but of course she wouldn't hear it. The bunglaows are set up as suites so I simply used the sofa and gave her the bed.

We spent almost a week, talking it through but I could never get past the betrayal. I say "betrayal" because that is EXACTLY what it is. Still, the issue remained; She HAD given up 3 young children, her family and the only man (supposedly) that she had ever known (besides me). In the Philippines these things are so much more serious than any Westerner might imagine.

Even when one sees a woman leave her husband, and today it is beginning to happen here, one never sees the abandonment of children and absolutely never sees the voluntary enstrangement of one's own family. For all Filipino ethnicities family is everything.

She gave this all up. The question though, is why did she do so? Was it for me, as she desperately claims? Or was it, as her sister says, to simply disappear after making a mess of her life with debt and 3 young kids she apparently wasn't crazy about having?

It could even be a case of BOTH rationales. Yet, I have no way of knowing and the more time I spent with her the more I began adapting and rationalising.

By early Saturday, May 30th, I departed Cebu, for Manila, knowing that I had to be more decisive on this manner. I came to a decison...

But that will wait for my next entry.

I'm back here, alone. Divorced my wife of 13 years a few months ago, my kids are with her for the next 2 weeks summer vacation. Who am I kidding right? I'm a good technical functionary, make a good salary, but since the props have been pulled out from under me, I must admit, I don't have a lot of hope these days. I was clean for 6 years until about 3 weeks ago, when I scored some MDPV, M1, and JWH-lings and set about trying to find some peace of mind. Didn't work so much, and, not that I have a specific regret for 'relapsing' chemically, I mostly am bummed because the people that I've grown to love and admire are in recovery, and, not being one to hold much back, they know about my recent use, and have distanced themselves completely, or maybe it's a mutual distancing, whatever. The reality is that I"m alone in a 4,500 sqft house (alone except for the cat, dog, the kids guniea pigs), and I have become phobic - I rarely leave. I've gotten in the car twice in the past week for trips to the store for cigs and caffeine. I have a woman who runs errands for me that I can leave a check on the front porch along with a grocery list and she takes care of it. Jeesh. It's like I'm 24 again, before I met my ex, and was basically working and slumming alone, only now I make a lot more money and I work entirely from home. I can be anyone I want to be on the phone and online with my customers. So objectively, is this 'bad' - I'm not completely dysphoric, although one reason I became so willing to order up some chems was because I've been in a state of emotional flatness for years, and the risk of addiction seems worth it in exchange for feeling joy again. Yea, I know - exercise, anti-depressants, good food, etc. I've done all of that, in various combinations for varying periods of time. I'm taking some real risks I know - tapering of my SSRI (staying on the SDRI and lamictal). Researching which chems stand the best chance of invoking euphoria with as little down-side crash risk as possible - oh, I found out that MDPV + M1 is not the way to go. Ended up getting a punch in the ass of an adrenaline hit a couple of weeks ago that threw me into a panic attack for 3 hours. Bleh. Also, not willing to take any psych's - I know what will be revealed on the trip, and I don't want to be pounded in the skull with my shortcomings and failures at this point. Just pleasure, softness, gentless, forgiveness, joy - that's what I'm after. Oh - the poppy tea - certainly some peace with that, but OMG the fucking constipation was ungodly - seriously - major incidents. Not that I don't still sip every couple of days, I just down a teaspoon of psillium powder every time I go to the kitchen to avoid the worst of it. Alcohol - no thanks, at least not as a hobby. Maybe I'll grab a good bottle of a dry red soon for the next time I go 'spearmintin with RC stims. Oh, I ordered some phenazepam to ease that panic stuff as well.
I'm fascinated with drugs - the psychological changes they can evoke, the culture, and the chemistry. I spend most of my free time reading BL, tihkal, pihkal, erowid, mapps stuff, whatever, because I really think that the keys to being happy are largely neurochemical. I definitely think that religion is neurochemical. The only thing that I miss is a real social life - I have my work, which as I mentioned is all online from home. I have my kids, but only 1/2 the time, and at 11 and 13 they are (i almost hate to say it) - more of a challenge than a source of contentment at this point. Don't get me wrong - I love them and would take a bullet any day for either one, but they are getting on with the business of growing up, and that means pushing the limits. So right now it's just me and my cat, on BL. I think I want to try MDMA (yea, i've never done it!). I've been ordering comfort items online like mad - just got a bunch of beautiful hand-crafted resin-powder incenses. On the way in the mails I have MDPV, Mephedrone, Phenazepam, Methylone, Naphyrone, seroquel (to abort the bad ones), a beta-blocker, and more Viagra. Not that I'm getting laid - after I started using again, my gf (who is about 1 year sober) just backed the fuck off. Funny thing is, she called me last night to make sure that I wasn't seeing someone else. give me a fucking break. You don't want to hang out with me, but yet you would have a problem with me seeing someone else. In some ways getting laid was like the one thing that kept me attached to the idea that I was OK, and desirable, and my libido is pretty high - and with her, it started out with great sex a few times a week, only to start dropping precipitously over the past few months, leaving me feeling like 'what's the fucking point? Is this the 'girlfriend experience'? Hell, I just got out of a marriage that had little sex, but at least there was a shared history and kids that kept it together for a long time. With the GF, no long history and declining frequency of sex. a fucking waste of time. Porn is free and lube cheap. Have a great day.

well i injected as usual but misseds a little bit now sore slightly ;like a 4 or 5 on pain scale but little hot underneath will it go away only been iv ing for a short period would apreciate some feedback

I'm tired of fucking around with these feelings. This fuckin' monkey, this disappointment with others, this fucking irrational fear and lack of faith.

I think I may need to just get it over with and get a taste.

I dunno, man. This sucks. Can I use recreationally? Probably not. Will I lose a lot of shit (if not all) of what I've fought for? Yeah.

I still want a taste of good coke in my arm, regardless of the consequences.

Insanity.

Fucking insanity.

Woke up this morning with that terrible feeling that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. Of course, the farther I get away from opiates, the less false comfort I'm going to feel. I'm just losing my safety net and it pisses me off more than anything.

Bowel movements for example; they're coming on hard. The diarrhea and fatigue following is on its way. Today is my third "clean" day in a row even though I'm still tapering. Last night I only took 10 mg oxycodone after waiting about 27 hours from the last dose. I did smoke a bunch of pot yesterday evening though. So that definitely helped.

I remember last night making the remark, "Wow, this is easier than I thought it'd be." It probably will be. I was just super worried that the withdrawals would be more intense but tapering is saving my ass, even as steep a taper that I'm using. I'm being able to hold it together with only 10mg in a 24 hr window. I'd say that is a sign my tolerance hadn't soared as high as I thought. thank, well, whoever deserves the thanks for me not having to suffer so much.

I'm trying not to think much about other things, stuff that stresses me out a lot. I'm trying not to think about school, my job, money I owe, how much I spent on pills over the past half year. How I lied to everyone again, was unfairly selfish for months, did something I never wanted to...again.

Other than that, I still haven't gotten too down on myself. I really think it's because I'm not relying on anyone other than myself to clean up. Nobody's here to make me feel guilty about what I did. My mom is basically the only person I know who has an inkling about any of it.

I realized, in talking with some other people about drugs the other night, that I know a lot about prescription drugs. I know about dosage and interactions and bla bla bla...mostly b/c of bluelight. I really love this site and that's all I've got for today.

Woke up this morning with that terrible feeling that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. Of course, the farther I get away from opiates, the less false comfort I'm going to feel. I'm just losing my safety net and it pisses me off more than anything.

Bowel movements for example; they're coming on hard. The diarrhea and fatigue following is on its way. Today is my third "clean" day in a row even though I'm still tapering. Last night I only took 10 mg oxycodone after waiting about 27 hours from the last dose. I did smoke a bunch of pot yesterday evening though. So that definitely helped.

I remember last night making the remark, "Wow, this is easier than I thought it'd be." It probably will be. I was just super worried that the withdrawals would be more intense but tapering is saving my ass, even as steep a taper that I'm using. I'm being able to hold it together with only 10mg in a 24 hr window. I'd say that is a sign my tolerance hadn't soared as high as I thought. thank, well, whoever deserves the thanks for me not having to suffer so much.

I'm trying not to think much about other things, stuff that stresses me out a lot. I'm trying not to think about school, my job, money I owe, how much I spent on pills over the past half year. How I lied to everyone again, was unfairly selfish for months, did something I never wanted to...again.

Other than that, I still haven't gotten too down on myself. I really think it's because I'm not relying on anyone other than myself to clean up. Nobody's here to make me feel guilty about what I did. My mom is basically the only person I know who has an inkling about any of it.

I realized, in talking with some other people about drugs the other night, that I know a lot about prescription drugs. I know about dosage and interactions and bla bla bla...mostly b/c of bluelight. I really love this site and that's all I've got for today.

Today is Sunday, May 30th, 2010 and it is now 829 AM here in the South China Sea, en route to Luzon (Manila), from Cebu (Cebu City).

To recall my last pitfall...I was still trying to wrest the truth Jackie, my lover. She had kept many secrets from me, not least of which was a 3rd child who is only 11 months old. We were still on a ferry, travelling from Nasapit/Butuan (Mindanao) to Cebu (Cebu City).

Rachamim: "Jackie, your sister told me that you ran away because you owed money to everybody you know. She says that you borrowed 38,000 Pesos (roughly 650 US) from MBAI (Philippine Army Bank), pawned Mohammed's (pseudonym of her "husband") ATM*, borrowed 3000 Pesos (67 US) from a neighbour against Mohammed's Army Bonus, and a bunch of other things. How much of this is true, and please don't think of lying to me again because I will have it looked into."

Jackie: "Its a lie!!! I swear, that is a lie!"

R: "You have no reason to lie to me now, tell me the truth because I am telling you now, when we land? I am calling my attorney and have your entire background investigated. I am telling you to your face, and as I told you, as long as you are honest to me I will not abandon you in the street but the moment I find you have lied again, you will never see my face for the rest of your life."

NOTE:* In the Philippines, banking is slightly different than in the US. For one thing, no FDIC insurance (for non-Americans: This is Federal insurance for your holdings, up to 100,000 US per account). There are no wire transfers except for 4 banks in Manila, and ATM accounts are used for payment in maany, even most jobs (in a lot of areas). Thus, pawning an "ATM" means giving over all your payroll ATM account info to a creditor to secure a loan.

Jackie's sister accused her of doing this to Mohammed's army pay account, ergo leaving him totally broke. This is compounded in severity because of 3 very young children.

Rachamim: "Tell me the truth, I know you were in despserate need of money. That is a fact. Though you did not allow me to help you, you must have found it somewhere, where did you get the money Jackie?"

Jackie: "If you talk to my sister again tell her she will have to worry about HER debts now. Jackie is not around to go crazy trying to help her!"

R: "Ahhhhhhhhh....Now I see...

J: "WHAT???"

R: "You DID borrow from everyone but it was only to help your sister, right?"

J: "In truth no, MBAI cannot give out loans to anyone but the actual soldier, not his dependants. As for pawning an ATM, I would not even know how to do it."

R: "What about the 3000 Pesos from your neighbour?"

J: "NO!!! I used to borrow from my dad on the 15th, when he gets his army pension, or else from my 2 elder brothers, especially the older of the 2." Mostly though, I borrowed to help my sister who could never make ends meet."

R: "And of course it was hard because you, Mohammed and the kids were sharing her house."

J: "I only moved in with her after my younger brother broke my window.*"

NOTE: This "younger brother" is the methamphetamine addict who broke a jalousie window, stole Jackie's PC, DVD player and some cash.

Jackie: "My sister knows this!!! She knows I have my own house!"

Rachamim: "You do? So why then did you admit that you shared her house earlier when I first confronted you?"

J: "Look! For one thing, I WAS SHARING HER HOME, only it was AFTER my brother robbed me and left my house in shambles! Secondly, it is true that when you thought you visited my house it was my friend's house but only because I was scared of what would happen if anyone saw us on that level!"

NOTE: Now what was scary for me? I was beginning to think this girl is making sense. I know that the mind is suceptible when we are emotionally vulnerable, to make rationalisations, excuses for the errant behavior of people we have inveted time, effort and emotion into. Therefore I was trying to stay objective as possible and fully play the devil's advocate.

Of course this wasn't too difficult to do since she did after all, have a "mystery baby."

Rachamim: "Yet Mohammed lived with you in your sister's home..."

Jackie: "NO! She knows this also! He lived at camp!"

NOTE: "Camp" is used for anything from a division base to an FOB (Forward Operations Base, Fire Camp)

Jackie: "Sometimes he would come but could never sleep over because I didn't allow it. My whole family knew this, for many months and it is why I ended up running away. They condemened me because I ended the marriage. I wouldn't let him touch me!

Even on Valentine's Day! He came to my house, he tried to get physical and we got into a big argument that caused even neighbours to come over. Everyone criticised me saying, 'Jackie, why are you wearing black. Your husband is here to see you and you're arguing? You should be having romantic time for the 2 of you'. I was so angry.

I kicked everyone out angrily, Mohammed left and went back to camp. It was the night you and I did cam to cam (on IM). You IMd with me all night Raki, all night, you know I was alone. I was alone and if I am not alone it is with you, just like Noche Buena (Xmas Eve) and New Years Eve! I have been yours and only yours!"

R: "Uh, yes, mine and Ibrahim's (her infant son's pseudonym)."

NOTE: This caused Jackie to break down in tears once again. By this time the sun was rising, meaning we were about 2 hours off of Cebu. I had to figure out a game plan, and fast. I was not going to be able to do so as long as I stayed in that emotional pressure cooker so I told her once again, I am going for a short walk, and had her promise me once again that she would not hurt herself.

Finally she promised and I walked to the litle cafe that they have, selling Ramen noodles and the nasty candy that is sold in the Philippines. Not as bad as Japan, Taiwan or China, the sweets still suck, trust me.

I walked around the deck for a good hour, but these ferries aren't that big. They are ocean going ships, but small just the same. The sun was up completely as I made my way back to the room, not knowing really what to expect.

With the shore of Mactan Island (a small island off of Cebu City, part of the metro area and historically, the island where Megallan got his white ass killed), coming into view as I opened the cabin...

(To be continued)

I love being clean BUT it ain't easy! People in the rooms aren't always bearable. The past couple weeks people have been in the worst moods and a few have been taking it out on me. It's annoying. I try to help out people but i get kicked in the teeth. wtf is wrong wit people lately? Once again it's a bunch of bologna that i dont feel like dealing with. Last week a large man got in my face and was calling me controlling when he was the one being loud after i was trying to cover his ass for not fulfilling his committment. Then the guy doing my tattoo was rude and scraped me overly hard during the coloring of my recent tat. There's layers and chunks of skin missing. None of my other four tattoos hurt like that. my regular tat guy was not that rough. he knew i was in pain but for some reason pushed even harder. i understand some pain because i've felt it before but this was overboard. he even had a little attitude too. we had two sessions and each time i gave him a twenty dollar tip which totals fourty and he still tried to hold it over my head that he charged me cheap. then tonight one guy got in my grill and was giving me a hard time. he gave me fourty dollars to go to the n.a campout. i did NOT ask for the money, he offered and insisted so much that i broke down and took it. then he acted creepy and was telling me how many women he slept with so i thought he was kinda creepy a littlebit. i didnt judge him though. he called me a couple times while i was at work and i couldnt call back cuz i'm so busy working 9 hours then driving 45 min to an hour each way to and from work. then i get home, eat something super quick and rush to a meeting. then i get home from the meeting and take a quick shower, make my lunch for the next day and eat a snack and try to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. this guy tells me that he hasnt seen me at meetings when i go to 7 meetings a week. he's the one who only goes to 2 a week. i missed some of the meetings he goes to because i had a wedding, engagement party, h & i commitment, traveling, sleep...he said i was trying to help myself, screw u guy...he told me i didnt owe him anything and that to just pass it forward and i have done that. just because i didnt call him back he said i was ungrateful. now i know he has ulterior motives, its gross cuz he's like fifty and im only twenty four. gross!!!! dont tell me that i dont owe u anything at all and then call me ungrateful when ur acting creepy and i'm busy anyways.

i dont know why i rambled on but it feels good to get it off my chest. lol

i'm trying so hard to be done with petty bullshit. there's more important things in life than worrying if someone is going to call u back. he left me a couple messages just saying hi and even said i didnt have to call back cuz he just wanted to call to say hello. then he bitches cuz i didnt call him back??? RIDICULOUS!!!!

So, I've been going through some things in my head lately. I call them 'things' because I really haven't tried putting a real name to the exact nature of what is making me feel these wide range of feelings.

The urge to use is strong of late. When i get these urges I do what I need to do to combat them. I call my sponsor. I write. I go to meetings. I exercise. I do what I need to do.

So, I went to a meeting tonight and I was hanging out front with some folks. A dude I never seen around before came up the walkway. He was definitely new. Dude was about 6' 5", awkward in appearance and he was wearing a t-shirt that had the Jack Daniels logo/bottle thingy emblazoned on it.

Three of the females I was chatting with when he came walking up took issue with his shirt. They actually TOLD him to turn it inside out.

I spoke up to them and said that NA doesn't tell people how to dress. I told them that they must be pretty weak if they were going to let a fucking t-shirt cause them distress. They copped an attitude with me and said that it was a matter of respect. I was speechless.

Respect isn't something you tell a person to have. A person either has respect or they don't. How fucking dare they?

How about some open-mindedness? Maybe dude just didn't know any better? He's fucking new to NA, man, its quite fucking clear that he just doesn't know. Maybe dude doesn't have any other clothes? Maybe dude doesn't need some control freak assholes pushing him away from an environment that is supposed to be welcoming.

Man, these people have turned into pussies when they got clean. Either that or their addiction didn't introduce them to harsh circumstances where tolerance to much more serious things was mandatory.

If a fucking t-shirt is gonna fuck with you and, to take it a step further, PUSH SOMEONE NEW BACK TO THE STREETS because you feel uncomfortable looking at his shirt. Who gives a fuck, man?

Fuck this town, man. NA is fucking weird here. I'm tired of it and I'm glad that my lease is almost up so that I can move a few towns over where NA is more understanding and less petty.

Well, I still have money left over from my paycheck. Maybe I'll buy myself a Jack Daniels shirt and wear it to meetings? I'll fight over that shit. Its a matter of basic rights. Go ahead and tell me what I can and cannot wear and see what happens mother fuckers. I haven't been the most spiritual person lately. I would enjoy lacing my boots up again.

Pussy mother fuckers. Its just a fucking shirt, man. Stop killing people by misrepresenting what Narcotics Anonymous is all about.

'The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away'
Basic Text 5th Edition page 9

'Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry the message to the addict who still suffers'
Tradition Five

'The message is that an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.'
Basic Text 5th Edition page 65

Shit, I could quote a shitload more but that isn't what this is about. Fuck them! I really wanna hurt these assholes. People who get clean and turn into these judgmental, holier-than-thou pieces of shit need to go.

Shit, what if I'm a judgmental, holier-than-thou simply by feeling this way about them?

Since late February, I've been hooked on painkillers...again. This is probably my fourth major session of addiction. It's late may now so (and i'm just realizing this) I've been using for 3 straight months, no days off. My tolerance has only just started to really increase. I'm still getting BLASTED off of 30mg oxycodone though.

Today is my second attempt at tapering down, day one at that. I'm already beginning to feel down. It's psychological of course; I'm definitely not physically withdrawn. I hate the idea of being without my sweet, warm oxy habit. It sustains me, helps me work lonnng, hard hours at my shitty, low-paying job that I only work so hard at to maintain my addiction. Dosing helps me sleep too. Isn't that strange? A drug that gives you energy yet helps you fall asleep.

Anyway, I have forty milligrams left. So it's not so bad. There are so many peculiarities about an oxy habit. Ideally, you quit by tapering but usually the only reason you would quit are because of 1) money or 2) incarceration/trouble and by then tapering is not an option. I have some money though. I should consider myself lucky. I should give my 40mg to someone who cares enough to help me taper because I probably won't have the strength to stretch it out like it should be done. I've tried to taper before, unsuccessfully.

I already know how the next few days will go.

I slept perfectly last night. Asleep before 10:30, awake after 9:00, I was knocked out the whole time. I basically had a smile on my face when my cell phone alarm went off this morning. That may be from my Claire de Lune alarm tone. It really means something special when you can feel genuinely happy while waking up before having to go to work all day.

Why did I sleep so well? That's an easy one. I took 20mg of hydrocodone over the course of 4 hours before bed. I had one beer. And I smoked a bunch of super-good pot ( , ).

Getting ready for today was easy too. It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to get out of bed, get showered, teeth brushed, clothes on. Today, I was ready in under 10 minutes. That's a pretty impressive feat really. I even had time to get breakfast on the way down to work.

I didn't feel great yesterday. I woke up feeling ok but I didn't have to work. So my day was filled up with being very very lazy basically just laying in bed until time for class, which I skipped. Class is so boring and causes me so much stress. No, instead of going to class, I hung out with friends instead.

I got some hydros and some weed and just hung out all night at my boy's house playing Fifa '10. Fun game for sure, but even still I didn't care. I don't really play video games the way other people do. I like to play the game alone, on easier settings until I get better and move up to advanced levels of difficulty. Eventually I like to be able to dominate the computer. So really what I'm saying is that I don't like playing video games with other people. Strange I guess.

Sometimes relapsing makes sense, especially on days like today. That brings me back to one of my favorite quotes from yukio mishima, "anything can become excusable when seen from the standpoint of the result." Using a drug that I'm badly addicted to is OK if I use it with respect and for good. How about that for denial/bargaining?

Last night I read back over some blog entries I posted in February and before, while I was still sober. Goddamn I'm just going through the same shit I did back then. Symptoms of sobriety. I mean, of course I was smoking weed to an unnatural degree but life itself was just as disorderly and wearisome as it is when I'm full-on addicted to opioids. I don't know what's got to happen for things to really change but I'm trying my best @ the moment.

As for my current state, I'm fine. Last night I broke down and crushed 5mg oxycodone to snort and chewed another 10mg. I'm not going to punish myself with that cold turkey bullshit but 15mg in a day is a little more than I wanted to use to taper. I waited 24 hours from my last dose too, so I think I'm making headway.

My plan, as I only have 40mg and no $$ to buy more, was to wait as long as I possibly could to dose and take 10mg yesterday, 10mg tonight, then 5 the following two nights then nothing. I wanted to give the pills to a friend to hold for me so I wouldn't increase my dose but this fell through and I'm going it alone. Nobody even knows I'm addicted this time. And this is a pretty severe taper plan for a 40-60mg (not surprisingly, I honestly can't really recall exact doses per day) habit. However, It's all I've got.

I mixed 50mg diphenhydramine and a couple coronas in with my "dose" too to really get me "high." I really couldn't feel anything besides a little relief from the urge. I stopped craving. So, that's where I'm at today. My legs hurt like hell, I'm starting to sweat and freeze. However, I don't feel depressed. I think because I'm in control of this detox, I feel a little better about it. I'm not giving up and going to rehab or tattling on myself to my parents and begging for money. I'm responsibly cleaning the fuck up and getting along with this life. Not a bad feeling to have at all, I do believe.

And thank...well, whoever...it isn't cold outside. I was coming off of clonazepam in early February and that was miserable. I was freezing 90% of the time.

There are so many things I want to write down, so I won't forget. I want to remember how strong I was to get through this bullshit. It's born out of necessity though. I couldn't just take the money from my upcoming paycheck to pay for more drugs. It doesn't belong to me; the money's going straight out from my wallet to my car lender, my cell phone provider (cuss them!!), my landlord. It's a turning point; I can keep this thing going and lose a lot of my life or I can turn it around and get back to another, more substantial life. I wish I could think of something else right now.

I'm at work until 6pm tonight so that's pretty awesome. After that I'm going running. I ran a mile and walked another 2 yesterday. Hopefully I can run 2 miles today and walk another 2 on top of that. I used to run 3.5 miles almost every day after work. Then it got cold and I can't stand running on an indoor track. I get too dizzy, going round and round.

Haha, I'm out of time. If you read this, have a good day and hope for the best.

So, I've been going through what folks would call a 'mental relapse' of late. It bothers me significantly but at the same time, I don't really give a shit.

I guess I started having these thoughts in the middle of the week. I wanted to have some beers after work. I called my sponsor after I got done work and made the last 2 minutes of a meeting here in town.

I understand that I'll have thoughts of using. Believe me, I've had plenty of moments and plenty of thoughts. This has been different. I think bI know the source/trigger that inspires them. Very simply, i feel inadequate.

Anyway, my folks went out of town and I told them I'd keep an eye on their place and swing by sometime and mow their lawn.

Saturday night I swung by their pad, picked up the newspapers laying out front and popped into the kitchen. For some reason it was very important for me to locate where my diabetic dad keeps his syringes nowadays. I looked in a few of the kitchen cabinets that used to be where they were kept but didn't see them. I started to get a bit obsessive about it and tore through every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen.

I managed to restore myself to some sort of sanity, locked the doors and went home.

Yesterday, I cruised back over their place to mow the lawn. After the yard work was done I searched for those syringes again. I looked in the same exact fucking spots as I did the might before (as if they would magically appear overnight). I stopped myself before I became too obsessive about it. I knew if I went through their bedroom I would be placing myself deeper into old behaviors that I am trying very hard to break myself from.

I had $35 in my pocket that day and as I was looking for those spikes I developed a plan. $20 would go to a half gram of coke, $10 would go to a bag of dope and $5 would go towards some shitty beer or a nick of weed.

This is how $35 would REALLY play out for me though. Yeah I would spend it according to the outline above but that would be a shitty relapse. If I'm gonna go the fuck out, I'm gonna go out hard so... Monday would be the first paycheck from my new job. I'd hit the ATM, buy a six pack of good beer, drink a few on my way to the city, buy 5 grams of powder, two nickels of weed (just because) and a bundle of dope.

Shit, today I'm thinking that, since I now know where to score meth in town (yeah we learn some other shit in NA as well) I would LOVE to try shooting it since I never have.

Know what's stopping me from getting high these past few days? Yeah, I absolutely 100% WANT to get fucking high, I wanna escape and feel falsely good about myself but I really don't want all the other shit that comes along with it.

Yeah, man I love the 'coming up side' of gettin' high but for me, that 'coming down side' will destroy me. I may feel horribly about myself at this moment but I will feel MUCH more horrible if I succumb to an immediate, momentary pleasure.

The thing that sucks is that I KNOW ALL OF THIS but I STILL want to go to the city and do this. RIGHT NOW! (especially since my $860 paycheck hit)

We sure do like to mindfuck ourselves, don't we?

i have a pretty decent tolerance to opiates it takes atleast 2 oc 80s to get me high how should i handle a 25 mcg patch

see: /r/christinahendricks