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i have kadian 100mg morphine pill and idk how much to take! any advice, i have a pretty high tolerance. i take up to 11 vicodin and be fine...so im good on tolerance. Half or whole? i wanna be safe and not SUPER F'D UP!!! i just wanna be at a cool level like...4 norcos or so. Please help me. how much is a safe amount for my weight. My weight is 110lbs with a semi high tolerance. any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Yeah, getting clean is fucking HARD in the beginning. Its awkward, painful, terrifying, unfamiliar and full of doubt concerning the ability to go on.

After the 'newness' fades, the obsession to use leaves and a certain awkward 'balanced' feeling replaces the unfamiliarity of the beginning stages of the process.

Fear still is the primary motivating factor involved in maintaining complete abstinence.

I realize that the beginning of this process may not have been the hardest. Fuck... can I even say that it was somewhat easy? All I had to do was stay clean. All I had to think about was staying clean. All I had to apply effort to was staying clean.

Now its different. I'm forgetting what brought me here. Life is starting to become... well... life is gettin' 'lifey'.

Feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, general self-hatred, hopelessness, apathy and disappointment have made their return.

I want an escape, a moment of self-indulgent pleasure, a way to feel good about myself (even if it is a false feeling)

I'm doing everything that is suggested (even the things I don't want to do). I'm working real fucking hard at this and have been for over 9 months. Why do I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread?

Why do I feel like a horrible person?

Why do I have the most violent desires than I've EVER had in my life?

Why do I want to hurt myself?

Why do I see no point in anything?

It'll all pass. I know it will.

I JUST CAN'T USE DURING THE INTERIM

9 months and 1 week ago was when I got clean. It seems like forever and I've gone through a lot in that short time. I've worked real hard at this and I've just started rebuilding my life.

I WILL NOT THROW IT ALL AWAY.

I still believe that service to others is key. Service is the exact opposite of self-centeredness and complete selfishness.

Time to prove this. Getting high would be self-serving and a disservice to ANYONE that I encounter or who is a part of my life. How can I possibly be there for others when I am self-seeking?

Time to own up to being in service and feel the pain. I'm not the first and more are on the way. Time to REALLY do this. Just as I need others, others might just need me

Today is Saturday, May 29th, 2010 and it is now 1004 AM here in Cebu, Philippines.

The show, till' now:

Learning that the "love of my life," Jackie, had a secret baby and had not told me the truth about several major facets of her life. We were still on an ocean going ferry, heading to Cebu City, on Cebu Island and Jackie was literally begging me not to end our relationship when I ended the last entry...

Rachamim: Jackie, whether-or-not you realise it, things could never be the same for us...not even close. Even if I agree to stay with you it would not be what we had before. Honestly? At the moment I have absolutely no desire for you.

Jackie: Raki, you swore you would never leave me! You SWORE!!!

R: "Jackie, that was made to a woman I thought I knew. Since you are NOT the woman I know THAT promise is no longer valid."

J: "NO! You promised! You swore!"

R: "Sigh. Look, you just not getting the message. Go home, go be a mother and a wife, I am not going to break up anyone's family. EVER."

J:"You didn't break up anything, I was alone before leaving and even if you leave me now I will never go back."

R: "Be that as it may be, at least I will have a clear conscience."

J: "My sister knew my marriage was over. Muhammed was living in camp (his FOB, army post). Whenever he came I wouldn't let him near me!"

R: "Jackie, you had a baby! What does it matter WHERE he slept after?"

J: "As I said, the baby was a mistake."

R: "He didn't rape you Jackie. Whether you regret it or not is not relevant, you had relations.

Since you did, it shows that at least at that point in your relationship you had an ongoing sexual contact. I am sorry but 2 months, as in the 2 months between having that baby and you and I beginning this relationship are nowhere as much time as is needed.

Also, the fact that you and I were friendly during the time you got pregnant and all through that pregnancy leads me to believe that you had had an ulterior motive, since you never once mentioned that you were pregnant, had given birth or even that you had seen Muhammed and he was living with you!"

J: "What do you mean? I don't really understand your point."

R: "When people are friends, or friendly, they share things like a 9 month pregnancy Jackie. You never even mentioned it remotely.

As you have always told me, when pregnant with the girls you had awful sickness (Morning Sickness). As you said, 'When I am pregnant I get sooooo sick'.

In other words, you were sick while pregnant with Ibrahim, I am sure but never mentioned it? You hid it from me Jackie."

J: "I hated the pregnancy."

R: "That is not my point. The point is that you fucked your ex! You understand now? You fucked your ex, telling me how you dislisked him, how u felt nothing for him, even as you and I were working on our friendship!

You were decieving me and really had no reason to. I wasn't even involved with you.

What bothers me much more? Since we weren't involved, and since you purposely kept it from me? And as you were fucking him? It draws a picture of you making a conscious choice to deceive me and since you willingly had sex with him it makes me wonder what your motive might have been in this deception, because for sure it was not affection for me.

Why are you with me?"

J: "I love you!"

R: "No! Why did you start our relationship? Your sister says you borrowed a lot of money from Noevermber up until April 28th, what was your reason?"

To be continued...

Today is Monday, May 24th, 2010 and it is now 430 AM here in Cebu, Philippines.

To help the 1/10th of 1 person who actually reads my rants, catch up, here is where I left off last time:

Reunited with Jackie, boarded a ferry in Nasapit (Butuan) Mindanao, for Cebu, an over night trip. Lying in our private cabin, Jackie sleeping safely in my arms, I got an IM from her eldest sister, the catalyst for all the drama of late.

She began dogging Jackie out, I told her, in my always civil manner, to cut the childish shit, and in reply I was told that Jackie is a compulsive liar who left not 2 kids, but 3, including an 11 month old infant son when she ran away (to a life with me.) As if THAT is not fucked up enough, I was also told that contrary to Jackie being separated for 2 years (which is what Jackie has always said), her "husband" is in shock because he didn't even know they were having serious problems.

Finally, when I brought up the fact that I had been in Jackie's home, why was none of this apparent, I was told that that would be impossible because Jackie, her husband, and their 3 very young children share base housing with her sister and their family. This last part I may not have posted but just to get it all out there, there it is.

So here we are...

When Jackie woke up, still in my arms, and asked me who I was IMing to, I honestly told her that it was her eldest sister. Her eyes got big and she immediately ordered me, "Don't talk to her!!!"

Rachamim: "Jackie, I need to ask you a question."

Jackie: "Stop talking to my sister! How did she get your ID!?"

R: "I would imagine that when Mohammed (pseudonym for her ex) rifled your door and stole the Blackberry, and some of your belongings that they would have found it in your Chat Log...

J: " What did she say???"

R: "Jackie, baby, tell me about Ibrahim (pseudonym for her alleged infant son)."

NOTE: Jackie is brown skinned but turned as white as my ass in a New York December while she lay there...and then began shaking violently with tears running down her face.

After a very long , and VERY quiet interval...

Jackie: "Ibrahim was a mistake, but I will respect you if you leave me."

NOTE: I swear, not many things can shock me in life. I have seen babies town apart by bombs, dead people every week for years on end but when she said what she just said, my world went black... and not from anger, just sheer, unmitigated and gut wrenching pain.

I am proud of myself because I held it together and did not scream, did not cry, I am not capable of violence towards women so that was never an issue anyway...but through it all I simply sat up, looking at the floor and just nodding my head.

Jackie was sobbing but trying to do so quietly. I am certain that she never felt I would find this out. After all, she had left it all behind, she had no reason to ever worry about my contacting her family...or her friends, and then this.

Rachamim: "So, virtually everything I know about you is some fantasy bullshit (calmly said in monotone)?"

Jackie: "I love you SOOOOOO much..."

R: "How does THAT work? That 'LOVER' thing you are talking about? Cause, ya' see, it has been my ignorant belief that 'love' is built upon a foundation of trust and honesty. If every major thing I know about you is a lie, then our relationship is a lie. Then, to top it off, you have placed the both of us in a hellishly tight place (thinking that I now have to support and provide for someone I do not even know. For that I should I been one of those fools who dates online. Me, the stunningly clever intellect who thought to himself that he had covered every angle with this girl and still came out with deep respect and adoration...me....look at me!!!!!).

Jackie: "Baby, please, look at me, pleaseee (sobbing harder)."

Rachamim: "No, not at all... (then, with a sudden realisation)...You mean, I have just caused pain and heartache for an innocent man? I destroyed a family??? YOUR family? How...How could this happen? Why did this happen?"

NOTE: No matter how poor you are, if you are a Westerner, or for thart matter just about any other nationality/provenance, you will always be on very unequal footing, with a Fiipina GF, wife or lover when it comes to money and quality of life. You can work in Burger King salting crisps and still make more than most physicians in the Philippines.

However, to minimise this obvious attraction Jackie had always thought of me as being stone broke. I never discussed money with her, nor had she ever asked for any. I did offer to help her when she had told me that Mohammed had cut her off financially but even there faced great resistance. Jackie was NOT motivated by money.

What was it then? Why did this happen? Did she not love Mohammed? If not, why have a baby in June of 2009???

I had many questions.

Rachamim: Jackie, look at me please, I am going to take a walk about the ship, get some air, when I come back I am going to ask you some questions and I will expect, now, finally, that you will be honest with me and answeer those questions truthfully."

Jackie merely nodded her head lightly, still sobbing and shaking.

Cognisant of her faux-suicide attempt 2 weeks before, I told her the following:

Rachamim: "No matter what happens between you and I, I will not abandon you and leave you in the street. We will discuss this calmly when we have both calmed down, I want your word that you will not do anything crazy while I am out.

SILENCE except for sobs and shudders

R: Jackie, are you listening to me?

Jackie: "Done go Raki, please, please, I need you. I love you so damn much. Everything I did, I did for you, for us. Please don't leave me alone here, please..."

NOTE:I sat down, at a chair though, on the other side of the cabin.

Rachamim: "OK, I am here."

SILENCE, light sobbing.

Rachamim: "Jackie, how is that you never told me about Ibrahim?"

Jackie:" Ibrahim was a mistake. He should have never happened. I was trying to fix what was wrong, I couldn't fix it. I hated myself for even allowing it, in turn I hated even looking at the baby. I had my (2nd eldest) sister take him. She is his (surrogate/adoptive) mom now."

R: "I am not so much concerned that you have another child, as much as I am concerned that he was born in June of 2009. It means, AFTER I met you, you were still having relations with Mohammed! It means that you got pregnant, never told me you were pregnant or even that you gave birth...and that you have been telling me over and over that you had not been with him since the spring of 2008!!!?"

To be continued...

(Edited for spelling)

So I put on sport suntain lotion while doing gardening, so my ears wouldn't get sunburned. There's nothing worse than sun burned ears; then they peel, and it looks like you have dandriff. Nothing worse- except a friggin allergic reaction, that is. It so noticeable. I have long hair, it's finally warm, so I put it up when I work outside.... Now my freak rash is highly
visible... It's like hives, itchy and bright red! I wanted to go to a baseball game, throw on a basecall cap to keep my head from frying, but if I were sitting behind someone like me... in a baseball cap, I'd run for cover! Gross!
So the doc gave me three prescriptions... One is a steroid, I'm to take 5 today, then 4 tomorrow, then 3.... down the line 'til their gone. Side effect: hyperness. Ya, no shit? My heart was racing from the 2 I took last night. So that yardwork that needs to get done? Oh, it'll get done alright...
Hope everyone has a great Memorial Weekend- I plan on swimming all weekend. It's finally the season, and here in Wisconsin, it could end by August, so we take advantage of our summers here!
'Til next time.... stay safe, healthy, and happy!

Day after day, it seems all I do is all the same. Boredom used to kill me because of that. Now I could say I got used to it. But if I did why does it still bother me?

I try to sum up my life, good and bad things that happened to me and that I did. It's kind of strange when I live a life like I can get a call or call myself, go to some club then not sleep at all because the Sun is already shining and I've got some work to do whether it's some stupid thing in downtown or chemistry.

But yet I lead a double life. The first one might be that. The second isn't drugs or other things marked as 'bad' by society. These merged long time ago. So I might have like 1000 faces and it's still one side of my life.

One of those nights. A period of time that happens from time to time, I suffer from loneliness, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where my potential is. Or the other way around I go crazy and don't know what's going on with me. So much energy comes into me. I've got so many ideas. I may be a maniac then or a drowning in depression empty man. Whatever.

Both reasons are good to go out and hit some club. Pop something, I mean I'm really convinced I quit opioids, I just hold on that's why there's methadone. But quiting this doesn't mean quiting that. Could do some MDMA or MDA or both as a mix, it's great... K may be good as well and if it looks like it's going to last and there'll be some after-party - to hell with it. Yes, I do some chemicals recreational. I kill loneliness coming up to some gal who significantly tries to catch someone's eye either if she's calm and acting alone or if she's alpha in the club and goes all the way so jerks think "she'll never be mine". Whatever, so let's break the ice - it may be both the calm type or the extrovert one. In real life they both found their way of showing they're in some pain. Not going into the details of complicated women's inside nature, I might just leave the part when she's totally positive about "breaking the ice". All in general. Students hostels are just great like she's saying "my roommates are out and probably drinking or already too drunk to come back so maybe we go to my place?" or other smarter and more sensible phrase suggesting we go and heal our pains. But it doesn't last forever and while the talk part is the most important for mind there's nobody to blame that other kind of activity blows the body with neurotransmitters and hormones banging at sites promoting feelings of euphoria, composure, relief of pain both psychological and physical...

A general reflection on one of my "other than drugs" way to cure myself. And I just lost the thread as I had gone for this fucking levothyroxine tab so my damned hypothyroidism is satisfied. Just a quarter and I will take a shot of methadone syrup to wash down clonazepam pills with. That's the beginning of my fucking day, it doesn't change. I could be somewhere on Kamchatka with some countryman speaking in Chukchi and I'd still have to do the same. But let's get back to where I am.

Taking a shower, checking mails, searching for some one goddamned article among zillions of journals to find a solution for something I might be doing later today... After all of that (some tea and breakfast-fast-fast during some pause) I will head to the university to fight against stupid professors who think their degree had changed them into ubermensch kind. Some skirmish in deanery also does it well...

...Well, to hell with them all. Hoping my presence at the lab might bring a smile to a narrow group of people there, I will show up. It's worth even to explain someone that "kyselina octová" is the name for "acetic acid".

Has anyone heard of these? Are they good? Legit?

I've been carrying around with me all the final texts between me and my ex. It's been like a year now...I just now hit *delete all*... that's it...they're gone... If it was meant to be, our paths will cross again.

who the fuck knows


Incidentally I went back to a cave the other night we (ex) had sex in.... it wasn't good sex, spur of the moment lets just do it to say we did it kinda thing, smelly place lol... but there was a huge hole in the back of the chamber that looked like it went up. Water trickled down from above. Like a good 20 feet up. I wondered if there was a cave system when we visited it years ago.. I went back a few nights ago and found out for myself. Some people had propped a tree trunk and some sticks so you could climb up to the hole... It was at 'Devil's Hole Park' in Niagara falls NY.. I think that might actually be 'the' devil's hole... snapped a good shot with a bat flying down.. could have died..made it up though... and the cave kept going up.. so there's more to explore. Had to turn back, but I made it up to the first tier...I wanted to climb higher, I could have free climbed to the next section, it was like a semi-circle stair case with a trickle of water...

I can't believe I finally deleted it...all those txts from the break up were so emotionally charged.. I wanted it to work so bad with Sabrina, I thought I'd spend my life with her. The circumstances were just so fucked up... I don't know.. fuck it, clean slate, let's see what the future holds. Let's go climb up into another hole (interpret that as you wish)

I hope the act of wiping all that stuff off my phone helps.. so much love, then so much hate, back and forth.....*booom*

off to go rearrange the living space

*edit*
oh fuck me running, of course I had to accidentally lock one text "Thanku for being there"... after I fucking ran away because I was afraid of how crazy she was.. I wanted to take care of her but she was gonna kill me or herself... why the fuck am I even writtting thing shit



...whatever....this is for this best...might be able to move on or some crap like that

I missed American Idol last night, my DVR did not record it. I got home late because I looked at every mosquito preventative there is on the market....I bought 7 different varieties...it's my goal NOT to get bit by those little nasty fuckers this summer. They are so disgusting.....mini little fucking vampire things. What if this were pre-historic times??
Anyway, I got home, the fucking DVR wasn't doing it's job, AGAIN, all I saw is Crystal's last performance.
Okay.... she's got some pipes on her, but fuck, if I was on Idol, I woulda bought some Crest White strips by now...... damn, girl! I'd do anything to have perfect teeth myself......just saying.
So I searched half the night for Lee's performances, who by the way, I hope wins.
It's like some secret society or something. I can never find that night's performance. Why????
And to top off my night, I ran outside quick to see why my brand new solar light wasn't working..... I got bit by a fucking mosquito.

Mom got on a freaken rant at me tonight. She's telling my ex friend Mike (who's her friend, no longer mine, & has been a long time,) her friends, & the whole world, the family what a bitch I am cause I stay to myself. Whatever. She's kicking me out unless I pay 2 1/2 xmore rent, ha ha. I wrote a shit load, but not gonna bore the reader with long ass bullshit. She said she was sorry she forked up the loan for getting me attorney for something I didn't do back in 2006. I said, "Gee thanks whatever mom. Yeah too fucking bad." I've had 3 pay cuts, chronic fatigue, been payin the fuckn loan, blah blah. I hardly think I'm bad for staying to myself. I don't steal, I don't ask her for $, I do work, & I've paid the damn loan & heard no end. What fucking ever. Thanks mom.

1. Mushrooms. Lagor and people were there. I ate about 1.2 g maybe.

2. Acid. Peter and I each ate 1 tab. Night before winter break. Very intense mind but not too visual. Watched Spiderman 3 on the comedown. Went out to 3 trees after I think.

3. Acid. Peter, Charlie, Macmahill, Josh Green and more. We each ate 1 tab. Wandered around in the snow. Lots of snowballs thrown.

4. Mushrooms. I ate about ~1.8g. Lagor, Schulze ate more. Schoder, Kern, Charlie all had about 1.8.

5. Acid. Schoder, Joe Haydon, Macmahill I think. Each had 1 tab, played basketball and waited for them to kick in.

6. Acid. Schoder and I each ate 1.5 tabs. It was the night of Paddy Murphy selection.

7. Acid. Schoder, Kern, Johnny Ball, Wynn. Schoder and I had 2 tabs each, Johnny and Kern had 1.5 each. Wynn had 1 of the Futurama. Went to Gilson and Baha'i Temple. Wynn made comment about "Your actions incriminate you" when someone ran from a cop car.

8. Acid. Pat and I each had 2 tabs. Gilson, Baha'i, Choochoo train park.

9. Mushrooms. Schoder, Knott and I each ate 3 grams. Went to Gilson and found a great spot on the dog beach. Went to Evanston rocks spot when Hansen and Dynek gave us a ride and smoked with us. Ended the night at original spot. Talking about being 90 made me scared to get old.

10. Acid. Wynn and I. Ate 2 then biked over to his house and gave him 2. Chilled and smoked in his garage for a while waiting for onset. There was a huge thunderstorm outside, which was cool. Biked to 24-hour deli and stood outside for a while. Biked around town and on the New Trier track for a while. Great visuals there. Went to charlies and drank/messed with fireworks. Resulted in me getting a $50 ticket for underage consumption. Watched Law and Order til 5:15.

11. Acid. The last trip was on a Sunday, this was the following Thursday. Knott and I ate 2 each. Beghou sat and drank. We went to Chris Williamson's house and tripped in his backyard and basement. Rode around in the car for a while and went to Potbelly's. Nothing special.

12. Acid. With Schoder on the next Thursday after the previous trip. I ate 2.5 he ate 2. Walked around in Crow Island Woods. Awesome trip. Then went back to his house and it got shitty. A bunch of people were around and we had to sober up only 3 hours into the trip. Smoked a J on the way to Buff Joe's in the convertible and got so fucked up. Went back to Schoder's and chilled, smoked a lot and drank. Got stopped by a Winnetka cop on the way home.

13. Acid. Ate 2 tabs with Wynn and biked down the Green Bay Trail. Saw great fireflies at the Glencoe park. Went back to Wynn's and chilled in his dark garage. Sat there for about 30-45 minutes almost without talking. Went for a long walk and saw a cop in the alley who just said hello to us. Got back to his house and hung out in kitchen. Went up to his room to see his music studio setup. Here's where shit got wild. Smoked a fat joint out on his back porch. Felt the effects of light headedness and thought I might pass out. Walked to the garage to get my bike after saying goodbye to him and it seemed like an eternity but he then followed me out there and locked his own bike. That's how I knew something was wrong. Biked home by taking a left out of his driveway and literally got lost. Couldn't remember where I was or how to get home. Once I saw Natalie Stone's house I calmed down a little but was still so fucked up. I remember seeing leaves on trees and noticing they were all in fractal shapes of squares and rectangles. I found the thought of telling my parents I had rectangle vision amusing. At this point I realized there were voices that weren't my own talking in my head. They seemed to be vying for control of me. Once inside, I could barely calm down. I was a prisoner to my own thoughts. I looked into my mirror for a long time and seriously forgot which side I was on. At this point I seriously thought I had snapped. I thought of my options, telling my parents, going to the hospital for anti psychs, etc. I was terrified I had gone crazy. I leaned my head against my closet door and my eyes on each side could see the opposite rooms. My right eye could see inside my closet and my left could see my room. I swore I could feel both sides of my brain working to control both respective eyes. I tried to calm down but couldn't. Laying in my bed in the dark was uncomfortable because I could see the entire universe in my mind. Weather my eyes were closed or open at this point I do not know. I felt like it had been an eternity. I was having at points what can only be described as an out of body experience. I could literally see myself in third person. I texted wynn to confirm how long ago we smoked. It had only been 30 minutes, but felt like forever. I waited about 15 minutes and debated on the pros/cons of taking my reserve Klonopin. Ended up being miserable and needing to take the half. Then I was legitimately worried I had poisoned myself. I began to swear off all drugs. I was convinced/unconvinced that I had taken a drug besides acid, even though I have used these tabs before. I was trying to face the wall, but kept reaching out to make sure it was still there. I went to the bathroom to fill up a waterbottle. The trip was incredibly hard and nerve wracking. At this point I couldn't even remember if I had taken the half Klonopin to calm down. I noticed it was 3am by this point, and I was feeling more relaxed, more down to Earth. I believe I passed out at this point. I woke up feeling fine.

14. 2 tabs each, Wynn and I. Longboarded around Kenilworth waiting for them to kick. Had a great start but about 3 hours in Wynn flipped out. Told me he was "picking up an energy around me" and asked if I was gonna kill myself. I obviously would never but he clearly was in another universe. We split up, he went home and I longboarded through kenilworth and the green bay trail for about an hour and a half then hung with schoder and drove around. Last time I do acid with Wynn maybe forever.

15. 1/2 tab. Ate it alone at home in afternoon. Smoked buds and grilled. Went out later.

16. 1 tab. Took 1/2 tab and then another 1/2 at about the 1:30 mark.

17. 1 tab. Lollapalooza. Took 1/2 on the train with Schoder then took another 1/2 later in the day. Candyflipped.

18. 1 pinch mushrooms. Didn't really do shit.

19. 2 grams shrooms at lolla.

20. 1/2 tab acid after shrooms and with e and 1/2 tab again during Cypress Hill.

21. 1.7 grams shrooms, smoked at choochoo park and didn't do much else.

22. 11 grams truffles in Amsterdam. It was cold and raining. Walked around all night with Chuck and Kern, then saw a sex show. Huge body load that was pretty uncomfortable at times. Still had a great night.

23. I think 1 Tab. Sat in my room and around my house when the whole family was home. Pretty uneventful. Smoked a nice joint when everyone went to sleep and saw amazing patterning in the trees in the side yard.

24. 1/2 tab at Etzlers, then 1/2 again like 2.5 hours later at Pretty Lights New Years Eve. Also consumed 1 Green Equals and 1 Capsule Molly. Had an incredible night. Vicks vapor rub all over my body. Danced hard, but nothing crazy like Lolla.

25. 2 tabs at the castle with schoder. Dropped at about 3:30am when we were both very drunk. I think we had both consumed Cocaine that night too. Both took 1.5 then another .5 about 30 minutes later because I thought it wasn't worth saving. Had very intense visuals and talked all night until about 10am when kids started waking up. Then took 1mg Xanex and started drinking. Ended up staying up all day and going to Pour House to drink and watch football. Finally napped from like 6-8 before Old Crow.

26. Dropped 1 tab with Mitchell. He was bugging out a little I think. We chilled in Cone's room and vid chatted Chelsea Price for about an hour or 2 before Mitchell disappeared for the night. Again, we were both very drunk when consumed. It was after a Late Night at the house, so probably around 3:30am. Stayed up until about 9:30 before passing out. Nothing incredible, but I had a great long talk with Freeman basically the whole night while he was blowing Adderall.

27. Dropped 1 WOW with Kern and Gerth. Kern and I dropped another each about 30 mins later. Nothing special. This was around 1am, so we were hanging with kids all night. Got it in with wish a few hours later after a pretty uneventful night just smoking at the house and calling goats over. Not really the best visuals by any means, but the headspace and body high were nice. I would take 3 of these next time.

28. Dropped 4 WOW with Schoder, Kern took 3, Freeman had I think 3. Destroyed Peter's door. Chilled in Kern's room for a long time and then smoked and hung in Lucas's room listening to great music until about 7:45am then we all left. Talked to Mel for about 90 minutes on the phone then fell asleep.

29. Superfunk. Dropped the last 5 WOW with Montini (2.5 each). Had a great lineup that was super funny. I thought it would be depressing and negative feeling but it was actually a blast. Smoked a bunch and just sat back and watched. Great night.

30. The next night. Had 4 tabs from Mitchell and took 1, gave 1.5 each to Ball and Winship. It didn't hit me as hard but they seemed to love it. It was Winship's first time so I'm sure he really blasted off.

31. Diplo in Columbus. Candyflipped.

32. Next night. Dosed with Mac, then secretly dosed Kern in a shot. We all did more and then Ted and Joe asked for some. Very fun night. Morgan's 21st.

33. Dropped 3 with Schoder and Gerst after coming back from uptown. Did some Gascid late in the trip (~7am) with Schoder and blacked out multiple times. Would like to try it again closer to the peak though.

Anybody can say whatever they want on my blog... I'm just going to start numbering them....
So, this is officially #1!

There really aren't any rules, except one:
Don't insult anyone! Nobody needs to leave feeling worse than when they cane to get something off their chest! We clear? Great!

I fucking missed American Idol, dammit!
Yes, I am a fan from day one. It was supposed to record on my DVR, but noooooooooo. God! Why did I have to look at every single mosquito prevention product available? WHY WHY WHY????

I gotta go find it online somehow.... and somehow,
I never can....... Dang it all to pieces!

Wow, I can't believe it... I actually made it to the doc on time today. Amazing!! What was freaky was I ended up right behind the same lady I was behind near the same time 2 weeks ago, but I was running late and in a hurry. She was pissing me off to no end.... when she came to the railroad tracks that are smooth as a baby's behind, she got a big "Fuck You honk" from me.... I flippin knew she would come to a crawl at the tracks. She gives me the finger... I return the gesture, but I double barreled her ass.
So ya, I end up behind her again! but.... I had 3 minutes to spare, a good Journey song was on, I was having a good hair day and my freckles are beginning to make their yearly appearance, so I didn't let it bother me!!! Wow!
So I had a great day all around, even trying on swimsuits was less painful since I've managed to drop around 30 lbs after struggling with thyroid disease for years. My body finally found my metabolism again! Yup... a good day, that is, until 15 minutes ago while checking my bank account. I found a debit from reunion.com cone out. WTF? I remember some pop up while on Classmates, but I don't recall signing up and giving permission to debit my account. It's only $8.94, but I never noticed it before... Multiply that by a million people... I'll take that much cash!
So after asking for my "lost password" and receiving no response, I finally found the customer service email link, I wrote:
Please IMMEDIATELY STOP DEBITING MY BANK ACCOUNT FOR A SUPPOSED MEMBERSHIP. UNDERSTAND? CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP RIGHT THIS MINUTE. NOT NEXT WEEK, NOT NEXT MONTH, RIGHT NOW. IF ONE MORE DEBIT FROM YOUR COMPANY, OR MYLIFE OR ANY AFFILIATION OF YOUR COMPANY IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER NOW, OR THE PAST, IN THE NEAR FUTURE, OR IN THIS CENTURY DEBITS ONE MORE PAYMENT FROM MY ACCOUNT, MY VERY GOOD FRIEND, AN ATTORNEY, WILL BE HAPPY TO FILE A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND HOW MANY OTHERS??? THANK YOU.
..I think they get the hint to cancel that shit.....
Time for some (if you have an iPhone, you'll see it!)
'Til torrow y'all..

How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?

05/23/10 8:56 PM

Well, this fucking job I have is extremely humbling. I do it regardless. I don’t lash out at the ‘kids’ that run things in Human Resources when they power trip.

I dunno, I’m getting sick of these fucking questions. They make me feel like I’m supposed to feel or be at a certain place in my recovery. I am where I am and I do what I do. Is this an aspect of being less than humble? Maybe. I just no longer see the validity of these questions and I question whether these questions have been put together by qualified individuals.

Why is it that I feel like a bad person when I look at myself closely? I know that I am NOT a bad person so why manipulate me in making me feel like a piece of shit?

Humility? Does self-hatred count towards that? I already don’t like myself and now you want to take away the moments when I actually feel good by saying humility must always be practiced.

Maybe I NEED to be cocky sometimes. Shit, it kinda helps balance the scales a little.

Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as a whole? What is that sense?

05/23/10 8:13 PM

No I do not. I do not have friends. I am not comfortable being close with family. Society? Well, as far as society goes, I ‘sense’ that I should be in service to others. I have had jobs in the past, and , recently I started working again. There is no sense of purpose with the jobs I have had. As far as ‘importance’. I really feel none.

Do I believe that I’m a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?

05/23/10 2:06 PM

My addiction, I now realize, was something that falls in between these two extremes. I used to simply think that I was only harming myself. Yeah, I knew I was hurting others but I didn’t think it was in a harsh manner and that, since I was hurting myself more.. who really gives a fuck and what are they complaining about?

Today is Sunday, May, 23rd, 2010 and it is now 1233 PM here in Cebu, Philippines.

To get from my last post, to this post: I landed in Manila and after catching my breath I had boarded a ferry south to Mindanao, a 1.5 day journey, as Jackie waited nervously for me to come pick her up after running away from home.

300 km into a 1200 km cruise I learned that her ex had tracked her down, narrowly missing her as she crept out a side exit and with the help of a friendly (or so we thought) stranger, made her way to a bus terminal, with very little money and having nowhere to go anyway...

I arrived, made my way to her and we had just grabbed each other with all the emotion one could possibly imagine.

So we quickly go and rent a decent room to get a day or two to rest from that tension. She was not really too keen on that idea, wanting to get off the island, post-haste so after resting for 4 hours, we went to Nasapit, a town right outside of Butuan that serves as its ferry port. Having nowhere to go, I decided that even though it could possibly cause major drama of its own, we would go to Cebu for a week or 2 in a posh beach resort I love ( Elsalvador [sic], on the border of Compostela and Danao, drama because of ex-wife Rizza).

It is basically an overnight ride but I rented us a fully private cabin, figuring we could use the privacy. Gawkers would be too much for her, and for me as well, with the current state of affairs.

Laying with her in my arms, I turned on my Sidekick to take care of some business emails, when I got an "Invite/Add-On" in my IM, from someone with Jackie's surname. Whoaaaaa....

I accepted, and was quickly informed that it was the eldest sister, the one who had created all this shit to begin with. Those that know me here on BL know that I have the utmost self discipline in conversation (and in most of my life). I can calmly discuss anything, even with spittle flying into my eyes from an insanely angry person. Hey, after all, I ran a "West Bank" Checkpoint in Israel hahahahaha...

She began very politely, highly civil. She told me how much the family was worried, it had been more than a week since Jackie left, and not a word. I assured her that Jackie was fine but that she was not willing to talk to her, or anyone for that matter though after a long while I truly hopes Jackie would feel differently. She asked me if I knew for sure whether-or-not Jackie was fine...

Rachamim: "Yes, I am 100% positive. After all, she's sleeping in my arms."

NOTE: Hahahahah, you could have heard a pin drop , as they say, even with it taking place in cyberspace.

Sister: "Jackie is with you?"

R: "Of course, she is fine. Please do not worry.

S: "We are all very worried. She left her SON and daughters and abandoned them...

NOTE: Notice the emphasis on the word "son" in that exchange? Jackie has 2 daughters, ages 5 and roughly 2. But son? Hmmmm..

Rachamim: "She left 2 notes, 1 for your parents, the 2nd for her girls, when they are older.

Sister: "What notes? There were no notes!"

R:" She said she is sure that she left them. Maybe your younger brother took them, maybe they fell off the table, who can say? In any event, she is leaving the girls for Muhammed (pseudonym of her ex) to take custody of.

S: "Sir (people in the Philippines, especially in the south, are extremely polite with the typical SE Asian obsession for "face," or image), she just abandoned her children. Her SON is only 11 months old!"

NOTE: By now, my heart is beating so heavy and I have total self control, but this is making me physically I'll. Still, I am very aware of what kind of head games might be trotted out to get me to abandon Jackie, so that she would have no choice but to return to them.

Still, I began getting irked..

Rachamim: Look, with all due respect, stop playing games. I didn't just meet your sister last week. I know she only has 2 kids and both are daughters. Now, do you have something else you wish to discuss.

S: "Sir, you just don't know what my sister did! She did not respect...!"

R: "NO!!! YOU and the rest of the family did not RESPECT!" Did you steal her phone? Her ID? Did you and everyone else try to force her to return to Muhammed (her ex)?"

S: " 'Return'? She never left him until she ran away with you!!!"

NOTE: Whoaaaaaaaaaaa

R: "Shame on you, telling such lies. She has been separated since being pregnant with Mariam (youngest daughter, born about 2 years ago).

S" "WHATTTTTTT? She has a son born in June, 2009! How she was separated and got pregnant????"

NOTE: This whole time Jackie is lying in my arms, and the room begin to spin for me...

I still can not get my mind around that. Where was a baby that was never crying, never in the background when we Cam to Cam? What about when I was there in December? August? August??????? If she had a baby in June...2 months old?

True, I hadn't seen her, before June, since 2008...but...

Damn my head was fucked up. See, I am trained to look for cues in interrogation, lapses, certain "tics." Cyberspace negates most of them but if a person types well and/or fast enough you can time their responses and this serves as a pertinent cue. Her response about the baby being born in June was virtually immediately, showing no premeditation. This is what sent me for a loop (she has also spat out his full name in the same "breath").

Sister: "So, how was Jackie 'separated'? They lived together, with their kids here in MY house."

To be continued...

(Edited for spelling)

Today is Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 and it is now 759 PM here in Cebu, Philippines.

As we resume our regular programme in progress, I had just arrived in Manila (Makati), because Jackie had unexpectedly "run away" from home (despite being 26). I was in the process of getting her from the hotel she was staying at.


The day after I arrived I went to the port and bought a roundtrip plus a 1 way ticket, for Manila to Cagayan del Oro on Mindanao, a 33 hour cruise for 1100 miles including the 3 stops that line makes. I initially tried flying down, to Cagyan's airport which is 75 km from the city but found that it is nearly impossible to get a flight at less than 2 weeks booking.

Butuan, 7 hours by auto from Cagayan del Oro had an open flight 4 days later but I figured that since the ferry would get me there in 2.5 days including the wait for departure, I should just take the time to get my bearings straight, my emotional compass as it were.

I sailed Economy, which as I have described in my BL Journal involves a berth in a bunkbed, aboard an open deck (since it is not the top deck there is a ceiling but no sides, you are open to to the elements. If it rains very hard they throw up very thin plastic tarps which keeps out some of the rain). As a white skinned foreigner I am always the centre of attention outside of Manila. In Economy? On an Asian ferry? I am like a Sasquatch or since it is Asia after all, maybe a Yeti hahahaah. People run and grab cameras to photograph me, they stare for hours and so on.

The ferry left at 730 PM. Jackie was having terrible signal problems with the Blackberry so I didn't expect to hear much from her until my arrival at Cagayan Port a day and half later.

At 1130 PM, thereabouts, I was awaken from a pleasant methadone nod to the beeping of my Sidekick (phone with full internet like a mini-laptop). Jackie came on, and here is an approximation of our conversation.:

The cast:

Rachamim aka "Raki"

Jackie

Muhammed (pseudonym for Jackie's ex)

Jackie: "Baby..."

Rachamim: "My love, you are in a cafe?"

J: "Yes, I am in a cafe. Baby, Muhammed is at the hotel!!!

R: Whatttttttttt????

J: "Yes! The Houseboy (male house cleaner/guy friday), a Gay [sic] took me here! I am so scared!"

R: "OK,OK, calm down baby, tell me slowly how you know he was there."

J: "I was in my room when the Gay came and softly told me that 2 men were at the front desk asking about me! He helped me to look at them from corner by mirror. I saw Muhammed from the rear, with another man I did not recognise. The other man was in camoflauge fatigues. Baby I am so nervous my body is shaking!"

NOTE: At this point, I was on an ocean going ferry that was just passing the island of Mindoro, off of Luzon, meaning that I was about 29 hours from where she is, as 2 armed men are nearly catching her.

Rachamim: "OK, baby, just listen to me, very carefully! Do you have your things with you?"

Jackie: "Not all, only some"

R: "Uh, OKkkkkkkkkkk, help me out here baby, WHAT do you have? Blackberry? Cash? ID? Clothes? What, WHAT?"

J: "Just my ID.

R: "Baby, I want you to have the Gay go back, VERY carefully, give him Muhammed's plate number (from his motorcycle, the most fommon form of transport in SE Asia). Have him casually find out what the clerk told them, if anything. Then have him ask for a refund on the days you stayed ( she refused to accept money from me and only had 1500 Pesos- 23 US. Budgeting carefully she had paid 900 of it towards 3 nights and had 600 Pesos left-7.50 US). Then tell me what he says. I will be offline for a couple of minutes as I call some people near you. I will be back on shortly. In the meantime I want you looking towards the entrance. If he comes in scream as loud as you can."

J: "But baby he has his 45 (pistol), Im sure!"

R: "My love. He is not a killer. He is a punk, stop worrying, just do as I say! Do you understand me baby?"

J: "Yes, I do."

R; "OK, I will be back on in a couples of minutes ."

NOTE: I called 4 numbers, only was able to connect with 1, and only his wife was there. I asked her to have call me, it was an emergency.

Rachamim: "Baby, are you still here?"

Jackie: "Yes I am..."

R: "Tell me, what's going on..."

J: "The Gay is back but he says they can't refund the money. I have my money from what I had left in the room, 1200 Pesos (more than I had thought), my ID but Muhammed broke into the room and stole the Blackberrry and some of my clothes!!!"

NOTE: I knew right away he didn't do that, that the gay guy had robbed her, but she had enough stress on her pretty little head so I went with the flow.

Rachamim: "Baby girl materiel things do not matter. As long as you are safe, that is ALL I care about.

Jackie: "I am so scared, I do not know what to do."

R: "OK, this is what we will do. You will go to Agora (The main bus terminal in that city). You will take a Jeepney, NOT a bus, to Butuan. It is 200 Pesos, you will tell the man you want to be let off at Santos Hospital on Roxas. You will tell the guard you are waiting for your husband who is coming right away. The jeepney probablly won't leave until 4 AM, and you will get at Santos 11 AM or perhaps noon, with traffic. After an hour or so in the small waiting area, ask the guard where there is the closest net cafe, if he doesn't know, find any young girl, they will know. Then get on line and tell me what is what. OK mami?"

J: OK, I will tell you when I get to the nush station. I love you Daddy.

R: Be safe little girl, be very safe.Take a taxi to Agora, but have the Gay stand with you when you get in, this way the taxista (taxi driver) knows someone withnessed you getting in, this is very important, so you hear me?"

J: "Yes, I will. I love you so much!"

R: "OK baby, but I love you more."

To say that I was stressed like crazy is to not even come close to the feeling I had. I did finally get in touch with my friend who unfortunately was in Gen San (General Santos City, the opposite side of the island, about 18 hours by auto ). This means he couldn't do anything more than I could. I COULD ask someone from San Franz (a.k.a. san Francisco, Rizza's hometown and the town I have lived in since 2007) but that would be insane.

In the end I had her go to a cheap but safe hotel that I knew of, for 1 night and she had the equivalent of 1.25 US the next morning, at 12 PM she would officialy be homeless and hungry.

Mindanao has no "soup kitchens," "food banks," any social welfare net of any kind, public or private. Like most nations in the Developing World ("3rd World"), you could be dying of a heart attack on the floor of the ER and noone will help unless you can pay cash.

When the ferry landed I paid a taxi to take me straight to the airport a 2 hour drive. I chartered a copter for 300 US to get me there in 20 minutes, as opposed to the 7 to 10 hours by auto.

Landing at Butuan Airport, about 6 km from where Jackie was, I took a taxi into town, and saw her standing next to a barber shoppe. Taking her in my arms for a priceless moment...

Sadly, it soon turned into a nightmare, but that is getting a bit ahead of myself...


(Edited for spelling)

Happy Birthday Handsome Guy

Today is Saturday, May 15th, 2010 and it is now 1246 AM here in Makati, Philippines.

I left 1155 PM Wednesday, May 12th, from JFK, to Tapei, Taiwan with a hop in Anchorage for a re-fuel and cleaning. Got to Taiwan 7AM Friday morning with the dateline crossing and time difference. In reality a 22 hour haul with the hop.

In Tapei, the usual nervousness carrying Methadone but there is no Customs to go through, merely another Security Screening and Taiwan, like America, does not have the most attentive rent-a-cops.

Schedualed for 140 PM to Manila, as usual talked my way onto an earlier jumper and got into Manila in time for an early lunch.I have learned that a kind word and gentle smile wil get you bumped up past the "whiners" and "demanders" who stomp their feet and demand a stand-by seat. More often-than-not it also gets me bumped up to Business Class which I just love (especially on Cathay). This time I took China Air, 2200 US on a RT. I almost always buy 1 Way and print up a dummy itinerrary to make it past Check In and Customs/Immigration.

Airlines are liable if you are denied entry at a destination. If I am denied for only having a 1 Way, its a couple of thousand US PLUS the return fare so almost always they want proof of ongoing travel OR Return fare, the latter being far simpler.

Since I bought only 72 hours ahead of travel I was going to pay a lot regardless so it actually was less espensive this time for RT, and I can always sell the ticket, or use it as a credit.

I am finally getting a chance to enjoy this condo. Rada Regency Condiminiums is considered uber-posh in this nation. The late "Xtcxtc," a BLer and patron of the site (as in its sole financial support) had a duplex penthouse here, which is how I found my condo.

His was spectacular and his parties were to die for. Mine? A concerete box without appliances but my rent (I sub-let as I said) is less than 300 US, for a luxury building that was, until 3 years ago, the tallest in the Philippiones. Pool on the roof is great but I haven't has time to use it.

I am waiting for a flight in the AM down to Mindanao, and pick up my baby.Because people can create problems with my honesty, as I said in a recent entry, I will save the discussion of details on that until AFTER the fact.

For now my baby is in a hotel, her 1st time. Sadly, like most hotels here it has no TV, though it does have a "Comfort Room" (local lingo for "bathroom") which is so rare. Paying about 6 US per day, not bad.

She has never flown so I am not sure which conveyance we will use to get back here. Makati is part of Metro Manila (a separate city but part of the urban bloc), and sits on the largest Philippine island, Luzon. Luzon is more than 900 kilometers north of Mindanao.

The one big change has been an increase of Jews in Makati! Since the end of WWII there have always been about 300 of us, and almost all of us living here in Makati, in my district of San Jose Village or else Salcedo Villlage which is home to the Israeli Embassy and the only synagouge in the country.


Syrian-Jews like my family are very nomadic. We have our own small communities within the larger Jewish Communities in almost every Asian locale that has Jewish residents.The synagouge here was funded partly (50%) by my Clan, Dwek. I am now the only full time Dwek in the country though 3 cousins live here part time.

There is finally a Chabad House here in Makati. "CHABAD" is a Chassidic (Hassidic) movement that seeks to motivate unreligious Jews to return to the fold. "Chabad Houses" can be found worldwide. A Chbad rabbi, his wife and children set up a residence that acts as a home away from home to Jews travelling. In Bangkok I am always hanging out there for the food...but until now there weren't enough Jews here to warrant one. That is also good because Jackie wants to convert.

Speaking of Jackie...Jackie has been here, once, for her eldest brother's military honours ceremony after he was killed. At that time they came by ferry though dependants can hitch free rides on C-130s (huge transport planes). It is always standby. I wonder how she will adjust to a much different lifestyle here.

The weather here is hot as hell, as always, and Mindanao just has another small earthquake (has a couple a week). The Election violence has calmed down but there is still talk of a coup so...If there is, we may be stuck down south.

I am sure her family, most of all her ex, have flipped out by now.

Will cut it short on that note...

Saturday night, so many people I really should see, but I'm staying home alone with 700mg codeine, a 6 pack of draught and all my newspapers, and I couldn't be happier

please note: internet self-diagnosis is about as productive as masturbation, and that is seemingly what i'm doing in this entry.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

ENTP - 33% Extraverted 50% Intuitive 62% Thinking 33% Perceiving

Qualitative analysis of your type formula:

• moderately expressed extravert – Extraversion preferred to Introversion: ENTPs often feel motivated by their interaction with people. They tend to enjoy a wide circle of acquaintances, and they gain energy in social situations (whereas introverts expend energy).
  
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality – iNtuition preferred to Sensing: ENTPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  
  
• distinctively expressed thinking personality – Thinking preferred to Feeling: ENTPs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference. When making decisions, they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  
  
• moderately expressed perceiving personality – Perception preferred to Judgment: ENTPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

Myers-Briggs Description

Attachment Type

Insecure attachment

• Dismissive-avoidant attachment - People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

Defense Mechanisms

Level 1 - Pathological

• Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.

Level 2 - Immature

• Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.

Level 3 - Neurotic

• Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.

• Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.

• Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.

Level 4 - Mature

• Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "call a spade a spade", while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3). Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way, rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by witticism.

• Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.

Coping Strategies

• Moving With - These are the strategies in which psychologically healthy people develop relationships. It involves compromise. In order to move with, there must be communication, agreement, disagreement, compromise, and decisions.

• Moving Away - The individual distances themselves from anyone perceived as a threat to avoid getting hurt. The argument is, “If I do not let anyone close to me, I won’t get hurt.” A neurotic, according to Horney desires to be distant because of being abused. These Moving Away people fight personality, so they often come across as cold or shallow. This is their strategy. They emotionally remove themselves from society.