Yeah, getting clean is fucking HARD in the beginning. Its awkward, painful, terrifying, unfamiliar and full of doubt concerning the ability to go on.
After the 'newness' fades, the obsession to use leaves and a certain awkward 'balanced' feeling replaces the unfamiliarity of the beginning stages of the process.
Fear still is the primary motivating factor involved in maintaining complete abstinence.
I realize that the beginning of this process may not have been the hardest. Fuck... can I even say that it was somewhat easy? All I had to do was stay clean. All I had to think about was staying clean. All I had to apply effort to was staying clean.
Now its different. I'm forgetting what brought me here. Life is starting to become... well... life is gettin' 'lifey'.
Feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, general self-hatred, hopelessness, apathy and disappointment have made their return.
I want an escape, a moment of self-indulgent pleasure, a way to feel good about myself (even if it is a false feeling)
I'm doing everything that is suggested (even the things I don't want to do). I'm working real fucking hard at this and have been for over 9 months. Why do I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread?
Why do I feel like a horrible person?
Why do I have the most violent desires than I've EVER had in my life?
Why do I want to hurt myself?
Why do I see no point in anything?
It'll all pass. I know it will.
I JUST CAN'T USE DURING THE INTERIM
9 months and 1 week ago was when I got clean. It seems like forever and I've gone through a lot in that short time. I've worked real hard at this and I've just started rebuilding my life.
I WILL NOT THROW IT ALL AWAY.
I still believe that service to others is key. Service is the exact opposite of self-centeredness and complete selfishness.
Time to prove this. Getting high would be self-serving and a disservice to ANYONE that I encounter or who is a part of my life. How can I possibly be there for others when I am self-seeking?
Time to own up to being in service and feel the pain. I'm not the first and more are on the way. Time to REALLY do this. Just as I need others, others might just need me
After the 'newness' fades, the obsession to use leaves and a certain awkward 'balanced' feeling replaces the unfamiliarity of the beginning stages of the process.
Fear still is the primary motivating factor involved in maintaining complete abstinence.
I realize that the beginning of this process may not have been the hardest. Fuck... can I even say that it was somewhat easy? All I had to do was stay clean. All I had to think about was staying clean. All I had to apply effort to was staying clean.
Now its different. I'm forgetting what brought me here. Life is starting to become... well... life is gettin' 'lifey'.
Feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, general self-hatred, hopelessness, apathy and disappointment have made their return.
I want an escape, a moment of self-indulgent pleasure, a way to feel good about myself (even if it is a false feeling)
I'm doing everything that is suggested (even the things I don't want to do). I'm working real fucking hard at this and have been for over 9 months. Why do I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread?
Why do I feel like a horrible person?
Why do I have the most violent desires than I've EVER had in my life?
Why do I want to hurt myself?
Why do I see no point in anything?
It'll all pass. I know it will.
I JUST CAN'T USE DURING THE INTERIM
9 months and 1 week ago was when I got clean. It seems like forever and I've gone through a lot in that short time. I've worked real hard at this and I've just started rebuilding my life.
I WILL NOT THROW IT ALL AWAY.
I still believe that service to others is key. Service is the exact opposite of self-centeredness and complete selfishness.
Time to prove this. Getting high would be self-serving and a disservice to ANYONE that I encounter or who is a part of my life. How can I possibly be there for others when I am self-seeking?
Time to own up to being in service and feel the pain. I'm not the first and more are on the way. Time to REALLY do this. Just as I need others, others might just need me