Blogs

I have a new screen name. It's sadiemae.
I'll still get on this one every once in a while. Just not as much.
xoxox
SO,
I haven't been on very much b/c my ex boyfriend reads/stalks everything I do on here. Ironically, I neglected to tell him I have a facebook account so that account is technically more private than my bluelight account now :(
Anyway, my almost-boyfriend K and I have been getting along swimmingly. Although he still maintains that he is "not looking for a girlfriend," he admits that he IS interested in me, and spends more time with me than anyone else, and wants to get to know me more than anyone else. There's no one else on his mind.
He ALSO said that MY pussy was the best looking, tasting, and feeling he's ever experienced! :D
Last night we took a drive on the Parkway (scenic highway nearby) because I had a horrible day at work and he wanted to cheer me up. OMG! What an amazing night! He does things to me that no one else has ever done! Wow. His lips.. His eyes.. The way he responds to my touch in just the right way every time. It's like fate or deja vu. I can't even describe it; when we are together it is just... right.
I don't knjow how graphic I'm allowed to be in blogs but last night there were several firsts for us. :)
It was amazing.
Just.
Amazing.
A friend was making some delicious edibles yesterday...

I was in charge of the tincture.

in a pinch I forgot to grab my gloves and rung out the cloth of mash and everclear.

Yeah I overdosed... its 24 hours later and I am a haze of retardedness.

So all you silly kids out there making stuff... remember to wear gloves because I feel like the Albert of Cannabis.
it's been so long for me to be away from a computer. i've filled an inch thick notebook in under two weeks.
half the things i wish i could let spill out here i'm too scared to write. what if the wrong person reads it? when is that going to be over with?!
i can say that after over a year of wondering why and wishing there was something anything left behind by my husband, even if it was that he hated me. just something in his hand writing. my mother to me there is/was a note to me and to boot a poem. my half ex-sister has a copy, has had it. they all knew. now i'm waiting. and waiting. watching my phone pleading for the coroner to call and tell me they found the letter and i have have a copy after 16 months of wondering i'll know...prolly nothing but more tears. i'm still on the edge of my seat.
Probation is, without doubt, the biggest waste of time I've ever encountered. Each wednesday I have to catch a bus into town (costing me several bucks each way), walk a couple of blocks to the probation office, wait in the waiting room for my officer to call my name, and then have a pointless conversation for several minutes before I leave. :\

My latest conversation with my probation officer went something like this:

P.O. "So how's things, Keira?"

Me "Same old."

P.O. "Are you still attending drug counselling."

Me "Yep. I don't really have much of a choice, do I?"

P.O. "Are you still using drugs?"

Me "Of course."

P.O. "Do you want to quit?"

Me "No thanks, I'm fine" (I actually DO want to quit meth, but I like to mess with my officer.)

P.O. "Hmm ok... do you have any plans for your future."

Me "Nah, I don't do ambitions. Ambitions are overrated."

P.O. "Ok, well, I'll see you next week!"
I just walked my dogs,
through the well-dressed trees.
where met a man of sorts,
who made me hide with in the leaves.
Louse he seemed.
In a bright red coat he walked the path,
With a colossal brute upon his knee.
Its deep grey fur,
well, it wobbled and loomed,
Swaying majestically.
This brute moved however he please
Like a wolf, of sorts, so you think.
But no,
No,
It is not a wolf,
a bear, a brute.
It’s a dog, a chow.
Buddy by name.
A fluffy ball,
Lovable and tame.
I kno u dont have to it still gets u high but is it better if u remove the filter
Well,I've done the seeds b4,and also HBW seeds which I prefer.Anyway, SWIM extracted the morning glory seeds with 91%ISO,then left out to dry.These seeds were store bought and were washed clean.Is there anyway to disslove the leftover gunk,and then get out all the ''nasty'' stuff?
I haven't posted much on Bluelight much lately. Mainly because I've been so sick with benzo withdrawals. I'm now completely off my clonazepam, and I'm down to 20mg's of diazepam a day. It's the worst withdrawals I've ever experienced, with nausea, dizziness, tremors, hot and cold flushes, sweating, muscle pains, and even seizures. I blacked out a few nights ago while watching TV and woke with a paramedic beside me! Apparently I had a full tonic-clonic seizure and severe tachycardia.

Because of all this sickness I haven't been able to score as much meth as normal, which I think is a good thing. I'm now about 4 days clean from meth, although I have been smoking a fair amount of weed instead, and I'm taking dextro-amphetamines to help with the meth withdrawals (the local drug & alcohol service refused to prescribe them to me, so I had to look elsewhere).

I've also started seeing Lydia (drug_wench) again, and we've spent most of the past week together. We love each other but we've agreed to take things more slowly this time. She's doing really well. Apart from one slip-up on her birthday recently, she's been off meth for 2 months! I'm really proud of her for that, and it gives me a boost to get clean too. It may take time, but I'm confident I'll be off meth for good one day. :)
I've never liked Bright Eyes (the band, that is). All the pretty boys I talked to would cry along with that sad whiny... forgot what his name is. But the fact remains, I think they make horrible noise that emo kids call "music".

But one of his songs in particularly caught my attention because of its slavic-like melody. It is playing in my head now and I think it explains how I feel very well:


Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.

Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.

The sunrise and the sunsets.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.

The sunrise and the sunsets
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.​



So these days I wake up and immediately swallow a blue pill (bupropion SR 100mg).

Then when I go to bed, I take a small yellow pill (amitriptyline 25mg). I also take 3/4 another yellow pill, Equalling 3.75mg of Diazepam.

And the saddest part of all is that throughout the day I go on with my usual codeine habit.

The highlights of the day is when I feel the pacifying effects of the large yellow capsule (gabapentin 400mg).

Really, the last one would have done the trick by itself, except that it is extremely expensive and not covered by the government, so I have to split a single week's supply across a month.

I wish I can be free of all this.
The document

America: The land of the free
America: The land of "our cities smell like pee"

America: The land of the people, by the people, for the people
America: The land of kill for our steeples, molest for our steeples, and SELL(plus tax) for our steeples

America: No child left behind
America: No child not asked to keep the army in mind

America: Where our ballots your free to choose the difference
America: Where our ballots your free but can you make out a difference?

America: Where we pride our freedom of speech
America: Where our pledge is what our schools teach
Wham Fam Jam

WHAM TO THA JAM
TIME FOR A PLAN
TO STOP THE KILLER CLAN
BY CLAN I MEAN THE MAN

I WILL WALK MANY MOONS
TO MEET THE SHAMAN
FORSEEN VISIONS OF BIN LADEN
ON THE HUMP OF A LAMA
IN THE DISTANCE STANDS OBAMA

FOR THOSE I LABEL BLIND
DONT REALIZE THEY HAVE WASHED MINDS
SOCIALISM AND FEMA PRISONS
CANDY COATED FACIST DECISONS
so called patriots, trust in them
DIE FOR OUR SOIL, OR DIE FOR MORE OIL
I swear that the news makes my skin boil
GATHER OUR MINUTE MEN!! forget your sit ins
TIME TO DROP OUR FLOWERS AND PICKETS
FOR OUR LEADERS ASSES WE SHALL STICK IT
Ill post the rest after a bit just stoked a bit bout this lil shit.

I call it..

Malice in SpunionLand

The story begins with just 3 friends
close like brothers, defend each as blood of own mother
Each insane in their own way, each count down for today.
The camping trip to defy them all..
The camping trip to raise our spirit tall...
The trip when camping is always your call....

One taste, two dips, now the tri-fecta
never hurts to enhance your vision spectra.

Our nomadic home now already built,
Recycled waste to prevent our own guilt.

We gather by our fire, a symbolic life source
its obvious now our choices earlier have set course
now the kind smoke in our lungs we force.

Before we begin our legends to tell,
Then a steel to a 10" begin to swell...

This rubber container replaces my breathe,
simulating death, at least to the rest.

Amnesia and strong body tremors..
I crawl from this hole, Ah now I remember!!
My brain like mush from a blender,
This story's morals may surrender

An experienced confession or a real life lesson

Follow your path with worry and your path becomes blurry
Hakuna Matata- "There are no worries"
So cleanse your mind of all impurities

Stay strong as you follow your path and your path shall grow long, (longer than that annoying "never-ending-song")

Send your head on real journeys
The line for this ride need no currency
It only requires unique endurance you see?
We CHOOSE to live wild and FREE

So come , we welcome all. claim the camp before the land beneath us.
For living free must be high demand to us creatures,
but not to those who fear "The jesus"
so it's been week three i assume that i've been ''couch surfing'', since i've been here i've done more dilaudid and smoked more crack more then my life time, and thats a lot of crack.
on the real side, when i first got here i was at bottom zero or rock bottom, i was playing my guitar in 5points b'ham south (music and bars side of town) not the best place in the world because tons of homeless people stay around here and pan handle like fucking crazy, i think just walking around 5points south ur going to be asked for a dollar maybe three times, if not more. they are going right to the crack house down the street to spend the money.
so i'm in 5 points playing my guitar for beer $ and i'm guessing around 8pm or so my friend saw me all scruffy and with my guitar in onehand and skateboard in the other, asked if i wanted to crash with him. i was still working my job at arby's when we met, so when i ''moved-in'' with him he took me to work n shit. we went to a AA meeting that night, and went back to his place. he said he didn't have any power, just running water. so it gets kinda dark at night.
on day 2 he came home(his aprtment) with some dilaudid aka k4's. he was in his room talking n shit and sorta hinted that he had something, dilaudid is my doc, so talking about that, not but 5mins after the talk he walked in his den and gave me a k4. and well since then it's been a everyday after 5pm thing.
3weeks fly by fast, i had some dental problems so i had to go and get a tooth pulled, and that scored me about 55x lortabs 7.5's. i eat those like candy, and well now that i'm out its been rough, i'm still in pain with my tooth. smoking crack doesn't seem to help the dental work any.
so the past few days been shitty, no dope just crack, and goddamn does that shit suck.
now it's day ? and well today beens productive, i went and put in a couple job apps at some local restraunts around here. so hopefully i'll hear a call back.
until then :
Okay it's official i seem to have the worst timing when it comes to everything! My fucking psychiatrist is gone on vacation and won't be back until the end of next fucking month :! . This comes at a time when ive just come back to reality this past few days or so after about 2 weeks of mania or mixed state mania. Before that i was just horribly depressed :p

So i asked my GP what to do about it and he increased my risperidone dose which is okay i guess. It's too bad i can't afford the 1 anti-psychotic that really helps me without any side effects which is zyprexa! No they won't cover that but if i got on 800mg's of seroquel they would cover that huge fucking cost but not 10mg's of zyprexa a day. Stupid fucking insurance goddamnit to fuck. Stupid fucking useless cunting bastards.

Also my shrink left no backup plan for her patients besides if you get bad go to the psych hospital. Oh thats just fucking great thanks alot doc 8) . Jeez i sure would love to go to that hospital that makes the one in the movie one flew over the cuckoos nest look really modern and nice. Not to mention the one time i was there i got turned away for not being bad enough even though i admitted being suicidal for fuck sakes. What more do they want me to come in with my wrists slashed! For fuck sakes the mental health care system in this province is beyond fucked.

Aye :|
Today is STILL Wednesday, May 12th, 2010 and it is now 709 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

So, when we talked Tuesday night NY Time, she told me all of this and shocked me into stupefied silence (trust me, that does not happen easily). As I told her, I could understand her running TO me, but running AWAY? As in just trying to forget EVERYTHING?

She apologised profoundly and said she had felt trapped. She promised that if she ever felt trapped again she run away and I would come for her.

I went to sleep. When I awoke this morning it was late afternoon in Mindanao. When her sister stole Jackie's phone Jackie turned around and stole her sister's Blackberry. She told me she was now in the mall buying a new SIM Card.

She then asked me if its OK if she doesn't go home, that she had brought clothes with her as well as her ID. I was shocked but I understood her reasoning and so I told her to wait while I found hotels near the mall and made the reservation. She said that she had already found one for about 6 US per evening, a fair amount for a room with private bathroom. I told her to check it for safety and if she felt safe, to pay for it.

So, today is her first full day living off base and I am making ready to join her. When I arrive we will go to Makati, outside Manila, where I am sub-letting a condominium.

She did leave the girls, along with the 2 notes and by now her family is ballistic but that is what we expected. Our life begins...
So, tomorrow it will be 14 days cigarette free.

I started the process on my first day at my new job. I really had no intention of quitting but knew that it would be impossible to satisfy my nicotine cravings while at work.

My solution was to wear a 21mg nicotine patch while at work, suck on a 4mg lozenge when I got edgy and simply smoke cigarettes on the drive to work, my 15 minute breaks and lunch. Immediately after work, I'd remove the patch and smoke the rest of the night.

This wasn't sitting right with me so I decided to just fucking quit. I've been wanting to for a while and made a few cold turkey attempts that only lasted two or three days.

I started back with the 21mg patch and no lozenges for the first week. The second week I've been on the 14mg patches with no lozenges. Monday, I'll be wearing half of a 14mg patch and keep lozenges nearby.

So far it has been rather easy with assistance from the patch. Yeah, I get irritable on occasion and I get cravings mostly in the morning when I switch patches.

The weird thing is that my complexion seemed to get fucked up for about a week. This confused me because I thought the skin was supposed to regain its health after quitting. I now realize that it must have simply been a sort of detoxification. To be honest, it may very well have been the standard poor self-image that made me think my face was all fucked up looking. I dunno, it seems okay today.

I'm looking forward to the day when I have ZERO nicotine in my system. That should be pretty decent!
Meet Mr. and Mrs. Crystal Meth.

I destroy homes – I tear families apart.

I take your children and that's just a start.

I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold.

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember, I'm easily found.

I live all around you, in school and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor.

I live just down the street and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not one like you think.

I can be made under the kitchen sink,

In your child's closet, and even out in the woods.

If this scares you to death, then it certainly should.

I have many names. But there's one you'll know best.

I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is Crystal Meth.

My power is awesome, try me, you'll see.

But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go.

But if you try me twice, then I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.

You'll do what you have to do, just to get high.

The crimes you commit for my narcotic charms,

Will be worth the pleasures you feel in my arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.

When you see their tears, you must feel sad.

Just forget your morals and how you were raised.

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from their parents; I take parents from their kids.

I turn people from God, I separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride.

I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything, your family, your home.

Your money, your true friend, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take till you have no more to give.

When I finish with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me, be warned, this is not a game.

If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravage your body; I'll control your mind.

I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed,

And the voices you'll hear from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, and the visions from me.

I want you to know these things are gifts to you from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart

That you are now mine and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me (they always do).

But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen.

Many times you've been told.

But you challenged my power,

You chose to be bold.

You could have said no and then walked away.

If you could live that day over now, what would you say?

My power is awesome, as I told you before.

I can take your life and make it so dim and sore.

I'll be your master and you'll be my slave.

I'll even go with you when you go to your grave.

Now that you've met me, what will you do?

Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can show you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand, let me lead you straight to H---.
This whole damn thing is ridiculously confusing to me...maybe it's the fact that I haven't slept in 48 hours...or maybe I shouldn't have dropped out of college that 4th time...I can't seem to figure out how to post on the message boards...whatever...I guess this is better...anyway...

So, Im on suboxone...2nd day...still haven't slept... but I'm getting through it. I'm craving real bad but I really don't want to do it anymore...so thats helping...a little... The addict in me is still creating scenarios in which I could score... and I can actually imagine the feeling of that initial rush...grrr... I keep having effing hot flashes and these long sleeves aren't helping. I can't wait until the bruises on my arms are gone so I can COMFORATBLY wear short sleeves. My knees are kinda starting to ache...but for some reason thats just something that happens to me when I'm on subs. Hm, nothing to say, only complaints....

Watching National Lampoons Vegas Vacation...we're at the DAM scene...lol...good stuff...
I've realized at about 5 in the morning ALL programming seems to turn into info-mercials...I actually sat here last night and watched about 45 min. of this electric chopper thing that can prepare meals in under a minute...I considered buying it...ha...

I'm thinking of taking a coulpe seroquel and trying to pass out but I don't know if it will counteract w/ the subs...I'd rather not die while I'm trying to get off the stuff that was sure to kill me...It'd be too Ironic...and my life has an abundance of that as it is...Thats actually the reason I found this site to begin with. I googled 'mixing suboxone and seroquel' and this site came up...but is basically useless to me because I'm too retarded to figure out how to actually use it...
I reach for the phone under my pillow after opening one eye and hit the button to turn on the screen so I can look at the time, 9:27, and then smoothly swing my left leg around the other side of the bed to see if anybody is there but nothing, just bunched up sheets. I reach my arm across and pat around, instinctively sit up straight and look over, think for a few seconds. What the hell is going on?

I walk to the bathroom and take a piss without lifting the seat, spray drops of pale, translucent yellow all over the damned thing and stand for a few moments staring at it. The taste in my mouth is disgusting but I don't brush my teeth. Cigarettes? Maybe a cigar. Tequila. Bodily fluids. No vomit.

You scream in your sleep, I hear her voice say to me from the hallway beside me and I turn, boxer shorts pulled down around my thighs and nothing else on but I don't react just look. She's holding a mug of coffee and wearing only my bathrobe which is conveniently untied, her nakedness just visible through the revealing V shape where the bathrobe doesn't cover and I feel good about having the privilege of laying my bloodshot, blurry eyes on it in the sobering daylight. I think about making a sarcastic comment about her making herself at home but decide against it as I'm not entirely sure what her maximum level of tolerable abuse is before she blows that harpie, woman scorned gasket they all seem to have. Not to mention i'm not really in the mood yet for a cup of hot coffee to the face. She notices the toilet seat and turning, walking towards the kitchen says something about me being a crack shot.

I walk back into the bedroom to put on a pair of jeans I find bunched up and sticking out from underneath the bed and then follow her into the kitchen but she isn't there and it takes me a couple of moments, after opening the cabinet to retrieve a mug for myself, pouring some coffee from the pot she made and having a sip, before I realize that something is terribly wrong. The door is open a crack and I peak out into the hallway, look down toward the neighbors door and see nothing but a pair of sneakers sitting on the ground. I pull my head back in and look at the hook beside the door where I hang my keys but it's empty and nervous, scampering, spilling coffee on my hand as I toss the mug on the counter, I head to the window overlooking the back parking lot in my bedroom where I see, five stories below, my car pulling out into traffic just as my bathrobe gets tossed from the drivers side window onto the asphalt.
I love you, savior of the hobo threads!
This year has been full of disappointments for my mother regarding me. March she found out about my 3 years of smoking weed, two weeks ago she found one of my bottles of cough syrup and about 20 minutes ago she found out I put spacers in my ears. The hole is small as fuck so I don't know why she's so angry. They will close if I took the spacers out. She said "you have to be cool and follow everyone else" But thats exactly it. I'm not following everyone else. Thats why i have them. O well. She'll get over it.
I meant to post this 2 days ago:

I love you like no other. You were an amazing person. You were there for the most important events in my life and everything in between.

You were everything - You were my bestfriend.

Today is your 34th Birthday -- If only you were alive to celebrate it.

A Memory

Now if I could only find a picture with you in it.

<3 Love You Freckles, Hope you're having a blast up there <3

Its a shame your brother married the bitch. You were always the cuter of the two :p Thank god you were mine.

I miss you tons!
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