Blogs

Have I made peace with the things I’ll have to do to stay clean?

06/08/10 8:24 AM

Not really. Lately I’ve been throwing an internal temper tantrum. I’m an angry dude and there’s a lot of shit I need to do to stay clean. Some of these things I just don’t want to fucking do.

Its suggested to be in service in the NA structure. I did that in the beginning, I was co-chairperson of the Public Information Committee for the Montgomery County Area and was making the Regional sub-committee meetings as well. I called the chairperson the other week and told her I’m bailing on service at this level. I just don’t want to be around people with significant clean time that act self-important and believe that service in the NA structure is some selfless, grand sacrifice. It isn’t. True service is doing street-level shit for that man/woman that is struggling.

I also made the decision to not have a Home Group any longer. To be honest, this was an impulsive decision made out of anger. Even though I am going to maintain a commitment to my Home Group it is going to be a very loose commitment. I’ve been taking things way too seriously and its been fucking me up.

I’ll get to a peaceful place of acceptance in time. I know for certain that when I start writing the Step Two questions, they WILL NOT be as involved. I’m just going to bang them the fuck out. Why? Because these fucking questions don’t do anything for me. Practicing honesty, open-mindedness, willingness and acceptance is more important than writing about it. These questions aren’t therapeutic and there are too many of them.

I need to progress with a cursory knowledge of ‘spiritual principles’ in order to get well.

Have I made peace with the fact that I’m an addict?

05/23/10 9:11 PM

Yes I have. At least I know what my problem is. Many do not. With this knowledge I can see that my greatest enemy is me.

immediate frustration: prior to about 2 weeks ago, i lived with my brother and step-brother. then my brother decided he was just gonna leave (lease is up aug 1) and move in with his friends for no fuckin reason at all. whatever...as long as he's happy right? thats what i thought at first. its when he took the tv from the living room that things really started to get annoying here. its his tv and he has every right to take it, but he didn't need to. they have plenty of tv's over at the place he's staying at. so since there was no longer a tv in the living room, my step-brother brought his tv out here. so now he has no tv in his room. personally i dont really care about that, and its not that i don't like my step-brother, but he NEVER fuckin sleeps and we dont exactly share the same interests in whats on tv (this dude will watch sportscenter on repeat 24 hours ag day - i love sports, and sportscenter, but once i realize i've been watching the same exact shit for like 3 hours, thats enough for me.) not only that, i like to sleep in the living room (the blinds in the bedrooms are worthless and the couch is significantly more comfortable than the air mattress in my room.) so what happens now? he's ALWAYS in the living room. he's apparently also decided he's gonna be sleeping out here now because of the tv situation. and of course he's a channel changer. he doesn't watch commercials (which is right up there on my top "annoying" list - unless you are fucking psychic, you are always going to miss part of the show you were watching before, before you decide/remember to change back. i mean, we were watching the fucking lakers and celtics in the finals tonight and he's flipping back and forth to the stanley cup (which i could give a fuck about - and he knows this.) its like a tie game with 3 mins left in the game and this guy is watching postgame interviews from the fucking hockey game. jesus christ. aside from the tv/sleeping shit, i'm really getting tired of this kid. and again, i'm really cool with him, but as i've experienced with my very best of friends, too much is inevitable...and i've hit that breaking point. and really, this isn't even his fault, its my brother's fault. things were so much more stable here when he was here...and i'm the older one -25, they are both 21 - but they are both almost finished with college, and i'm just now getting ready to go back to school again after 7 years. bottom line: its fucking annoying and its my brother's fault.

less immediate frustration: i'm an audio engineer (well, i graduated in 2005, but i still know whats up) who works pretty exclusively with a producer and a rapper (all 3 of us in different states.) the producer is completely killing our relationship, and aside from the work we do together, we all consider ourselves friends. the rapper is on his job and doing really big (well, locally anyways) shit right now, but the producer is fucking everything up. we've been working on an album (rapper+producer+engineer) for at least 2 years now and all the producer wants to do is keep "mastering" or "re-inventing" or whatever his technique and its destroying the project. at this moment, i'm pretty much done with it. the rapper is completely eye to eye with me on this too. he raps to the beats, then the producer "updates" aka COMPLETELY CHANGES them and the rapper no longer likes them. his crazy ADD/OCD/whatever shit is destroying an album that the 3 of us knew was a masterpiece (in our minds anyways) for AT LEAST the past 8 months...maybe even a year. unfortunately, i'm actually friends with dude so this makes everything oh so more difficult and i'm the most non-confrontational dude on the planet. i can't even talk to him right now and he keeps messaging me and messaging me, and trust me, its all off the wall-haven't slept for 3 days-nonsense...and i can't handle it...i can't even respond in fear of what he might do, especially to himself. i hope he gets his head straight, because he is a muthafucking genius when it comes to producing, but i just dont see that happening before i've given up all hope.

ok. done for now. that felt good to get out (and that and even the half of it - trust me.)

now thats what i call a blog/journal!

Today is Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 and it is now 148AM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

This is the second, of 3 parts relating to"Myth #II," in a series, "Myths About Israel," in response to the many PMs I get from people concerned with both Israel and Jews in general. This "myth" of course, is "Israel/Jews Ethnically Cleansed Palestine to Create Israel," in not so many words...

So, the Arabs FIRST came to the lands in question under Khalifa 'Umar, known to Westerners as the Caliph Omar. Omar was the 3rd Caliph, a "Caliph" meaning "Supreme Leader" in the religio-political sense since he both led his empire and the nascent faith of Islam.

Omar arrived in Jerusalem, the capital of the Jewish State, Judea, then occupied by the so called "Byzantines," who were the inheritors of the Roman Empire. The Romans, having finally negated Jewish sovereignity in the middle of the 4th Century CE/AD, remained and administered the lands as part of a far flung empire.

Coincidentaly, since this entirely segues into the greater point, this is how the word "Palestine," and "Palestinian" first entered the common lexicon. The words are Koine Greek and simply mean,"Land of the Phillistines" and "Phillistine."

If one recalls from the previous entry in this series, the first part of "Myth II," the "Phillistines" were the Proto-Greek People from the Aegean Sea, the island of Crete and its dependencies. They were not even Semitic, much les Arab!

The words first entered known usage under Herodotus, often (incorrectly) labeled the "Father of Histiography," or the "First Historian." While Herodotus is valuable on several levels, primarily for its enlightenment (to the modern reader) about Classical Greek views, beliefs and culturisms, as well as the Egypt of his era, the bulk of his additional views and notes are not considered worthy of anything other than consideration as an ancient curiosity.

Critics correctly point out that while Herodotus DID mention the Phillistines ("Palestinians"), and di NOT mention one iota about Jews, Judaisim of Jewish Culture and did so while having at least visited Egypt, they omit the fact that he also insisted Armenia was inhabited by humans whose arms grew straight out of their skull, grew gold on trees and had a single eye. The point? Other than those things conclusively proven to have been witnessed by Herodotus, hiw "word" is worthless.

He uses the ancient Greek form, and so the word entered Greek, and by relation, Classical Roman society. When finally applied in the occicial sense, as "Syria-Paelestina" [sic], they used the contemprary form, which happened to be Koine Greek.


When the Emperor Hadrian, of Britain's "Hadrian Wall" fame finally conquered Judea after more than 400 years of tug of war with Jewish nationalists he destroed their political and religious capital, Jerusalem, and after rebuilding it in Classical Roman form, renamed it Aelia Capitolina. He forbade any Jew from entering it, a ban that last almost 3 generations. Most importantly, he renamed all of Judea, enter "Palestine" stage left.

Ironically, at this point not a single Arab lived in the land and would not come near it for another 300 years!

Regressing to the "Myth," at the point when Arabs first enter the picture, in the 7th Century CE/AD, the lands as I previously noted, were under Byzantine occupation. In some places, like Gaza, the population was entirely Jewish except for the Byzantine garrison in what is now Gaza City,. When the Arabs came, and made war, Gazan Jews stood side to side with Byzantine soldiers and attempted to fight off this horde of violent invaders.

Winning by sheer numbers, they captured all of Judea and Samaria, which today are collectively called the "West Bank," Gaza, Israel and suprisingly to many Westerners, the land of Jordan and parts of what are now Syria and Lebanon.

Islam was a new religion and still very much Arab-centric, a trait that would not change until the Ummayad Caliphate ensconced itself in what is now Modern Syria. This resulted in precious little intermarriage or even conversion of the now indigenous Jewish inhabitants of the region.

Islam allows for fairer treatment of fellow monotheists than of so called "Infidels," in the literal sense of that word (it does not mean "non-Muslim" but rather "non-monotheist"). This allowance is known, in English, as "Dhimmitude."

Basically, Dhimmitude allows monotheists, so called "People of the Book" (Ahl al Khitab) to practice their own faith and administer their own affairs with certain limits. They get this "right" by virtue of an immesely expensive "Tax," in what amounted to annual extortion. Lest one think it a relatively fair deal, they were not allowed to ride a horse or camel if any Muslim was walking, not allowed to carry weapons in societies that equate the practice with manhood, inter-marry, serve in the military, testify in court, bring suit or criminal complaint against any Muslim, build any edifice taller than the lowest Muslim owned dwelling, etc.,etc., so on and so forth).

Besides illustrating Arab-centricty, and later Islam-centricity, it also illustrates the fallacy now propagated by a fair number of "Palestinians" and their supporters that "Palestinians" are simply indigenous Jews who converted to Islam and/or Christianity.

Undeniably some did, genomic legwork shows us that 7% of all "Palestinians" are directly descended from Jews. 93% are not. They represent a tiny number in terms of demographics.

Then, as the Umayyads eroded the huge cultural barriers separating Jews and Arabs, the European Crusaders stumbled onto the scene, establishing several city/states, most notably for this discussion, the "Kingdom of Jerusalem."

Sovereignity oscillated between European Christians and Arab Muslims, neither leaving a lasting imprint upon the idgenous People, i.e. the Jews. Indeed, when the Crusader Era finally DID end it did so under a Kurd (Salah al Din, known to Westerners as "Saladdin"), albeit a Muslim.

It was not until yet another war mongering invader conquered the lands under discussion that the character of the region began to change; The Osmani, or as Westerners are prone to labeling them, the "Ottoman Turks" were a Central Asian Steppe People, a nomadic "horse" culture. Capitalising upon the gains of the Seljuki (Seljuk Turks) who had made great inroads into the Levant as mercanaries for the newly powerful Arabs, the Ottomans set their sights on the heart of the Byzantine Empire.

Abosrbing most Byzantine holdings, these included the lands in question. The fact that they brought relative stability to lands they conquered (relative to past empires) Arabs began slowly moving across what would lader become national borders. Thus began the Arabisation of "Palestine."

How Arabs were NOT "Etnically Cleased" will be dealt with in the 3rd portion of this 2nd "Myth."

Ok, I am stupid and didn't file my taxes yet, no lectures please. I do plan on filing just been having uber high bills and could afford to file until June 18th.

I have been wondering if I am out of luck for the June 10th HST rebate now....?

They should send it once I filed right? Its a due rebate, so they should.....

Does this new HST rebate replace the July GST or does it come into effect in 2011 when we will recieve nothing.

Bah the stupid things that i think while waiting for 1230.

I CAN'T STAND WHERE I LIVE!!
I LOATHE THIS SUBDIVISION!!

Did I mention I despise where I live????

Now don't get me wrong...I spent years and years waiting and wanting to build a brand spanking ( WTF is with that phrase- I hated spanking! And why are they "new"?) home like I grew up in. When I found out I could buy a home with NO MONEY DOWN, I thought it was a joke. After accepting it was true and given my loan approval amount, I went house hunting.That in itself is a whole other blog topic....
I wanted a house right that very minute! I couldn't wait to tell the ungrateful bitch of a landlord to fuck off and find some other sucker to fix her property and lovingly care for it like we did for nothing....
Anyway, I found a house online in a super nice neighborhood. For the asking price, we thought something must be seriously wrong with it.
Walking in, I could see why the price was low as I looked at the gold shag carpet that was installed in 1964.... no shittin'. Two layers of carpet in the orange kitchen..... furry, carpet in the bedrooms.... yes, I said fur. Neon yellow, blue and pink in 3 of the bedrooms, burnt yellow fur in the master bedroom and something else in another bedroom. But it had FIVE bedrooms!!! Two full baths!!! What the fuck?
Who cares if the colors and smoke smell was hideous? I smoked back then. Long story short, bought it, repaired it, carpeted, painted and landscaped it. We loved that house!
The school system??? Ugh!! Yet another blog topic.
I started looking into building new.. just day dreaming really, and then realized I could build new for pretty cheap!
I had a sum of $$ coming soon, all I needed was $6000 down payment for the builders to start building. That's it!
I listed my house for sale myself and sold it to the third person who saw it. Nearly 6 yrs ago, it was a seller's market. Hey! Another blog topic! Selling your old house before your new one is built! Can you say NIGHTMARE??
Anyway, it gets finished , I move in... I'm in heaven, right? WRONG. It was short lived. There was small writing in the deed about a Neighborhood Association. I was assured they're really no big deal.... It's just to keep cars on blocks out of driveways and for paiting your house with purple polka dots.
Then the board meetings started, then the dues statement started coming....$100 a yr., still not bad.
Then the cutesie newsletter started coming. NOT cute.
And then came the BITCHES. we are the 10th house out of 54 built. It's always fucking women who are responsible for association nightmares I've heard about.
Most men just don't give a shit about flowers, block parties and garage sales, right? Then the gossiping started.... the stupid-ass cliques like in grade school..."Come celebrate our deck built" parties...... Barf! Fuck off! We're all adults now!
I just want to live in my fucking house I spent years wanting. The fake ass neighbors next to me became besties with their other neighbor.... the bitch is the association treasurer, and best friends with the architectural dipshits and sucks on the toes of the head honcho of it all. They all loooooovvvvvvve cooking out together.....and have their little fires in the summer... mowing on the same day, getting the same trees, bushes, decorations, pools, patio furniture , garden boxes,, sprinklers, dog breed..... yup! The same fucking dog..and NOW matching campers.... Oh Lord.... hold my hair back for me.
I'm gonna..... I'm gonna..... I'm gon...
Ehheeeehhhhhccccckkkkk!
Vomit, puke, heave, hurl, retch, eject, project, urp up, throw up, spit up, spit out, upchuck, emit, expel, gag, heave, and regurgitate what I ate last..... and that was corn-on-the-cob (why does come out looking the same way as when it went in??? I SWEAR I chewed my corn up...at least bit it in half, didn't I? And why do I always lookat my poo antyway?
What am I expecting to find anyway....a rare gem or something?), bar-b-qued ribs that marinated all day in a delicious blend of just the right combination of mellow and bold spices and a splash of white vinegar, cooked low with the lid on tight for about 40 minutes (no peeking!), then grilled slowly, hawaiian
style shrimp skewered (what kind of word is that) ) with sticks that were soaked in water, so as not to cause a three alarm fire, cuz the asshole fuckfaces in this neighborhood would really be gossiping about that for so long, that one day, while standing in their little circle at the end of their driveways, arms crossed, animated and laughing, one of their jaws will just split their face all the way 'round to the back from flappin' their jaws so much with all their talking, talking, talking....ooh... and my famous potato salad with just a touch of smoked paprika, although I really wished I had time to hardboil and slice a couple of eggs to place on the top....it really makes for a nice presentation when you then sprinkle that awesome colored paprika over all.... ever so gently with a ranch and bacon pasta salad, and washed down with ice water.
What? I was thirsty.

Well, yesterday, I got sick and tired and tired and sick of these mother fuckin' bitches and their brown-nosing husbands (who, btw, all share their toys... lawn mowers, snow blowers, power washers, sledge hammers, chain saws.....wives) of the idiotic teenage bullshit, headgame playing, attention wanting, keeping up with the Jones', spying, scrutinizing, dumb-ass gabby, dippin'- in- my-business, prying, beady little eyes that are always staring at me and my life. So when I was sitting in MY garage, taking a break from the back breaking, tedious hard work on my own unique, flower garden designed by ME, not from some picture I just saw in the latest Better Homes and Gardens magazine while in the waiting room of my OBGYN where I'm going to spread my legs and stick my heels in some sheep-skin covered stirrups while he talks me through my yearly exam that is now actually 1 2/3 years since I was told I should go......
Who starts talking to the buttwad that's at the very top of my "I- want- to-rip- out- your- testicals- quickly-for- my- sake-but-in- slow- motion- for -your sake big, fresh, fly infested pile of dog shit list??
"Dog lady's" husband in the flesh! I can't stand that bitch the most. She ecalls the cops on people who blow off fire works cuz her four Golden's are pussies. Too fucking bad. Take the stick out your ass and enjoy this one life you were given. Her husband and Buttwad seem to be best buds now. Hmmmmmm. When did that happen? They must have conversed with one another the other day when my neighbor, who will be known as Buttwad from here on in, was in shock when his family returned from wherever their little family went on vacation. See, Buttwad one-upped me last year when I planted a flower garden between my house and his against the fence WE paid for that Buttwad sucks every free ounce of benefits he can from. Along the ONE panel he paid for to join our fence to his house, he and wifey planted within one inch of our side for probably the whole time we were on vacation last year, and continued the theme to the front of their house. Buttwad then planted a young, floweirng tree of some sort that is a whole 2 inches from the actual lot line, where OUR fence distinguishes our lots. Well two can play that fucking game, Buttwad!
Not only was he in shock over my rock garden, but I planted bushes two inches from the lot line.
Take THAT Buttwad!!
I can't wait to move!!!
And if one more nosey ass person in this subdivision tries to peek in my back yard ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna drop my bikini top.
Oh sure, the men will love it...but they have to live with the bitches tha made this subdivision suck. At least they'll think twice before spying on me again.

Today is Monday, June 7th, 2010 and it is now 5AM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Recap: After spending a week with Jackie at a high priced beach resort on Cebu Island, trying to make sense of all her lies, we departed for Manila aboard another ferry...

On May 30th, at 10 AM we left Cebu on a Trans Asia ferry, my favourite ferry line, though in reality there isn't that much difference from line to line. Booked a private cabin once again, as I still wasn't up to all the staring.

The 1st day at sea, stopping in Bacolod on Negros Island, a medium sized island in the Visayan Chain (Central Philippines), for 3 hours and then out to sea again. This time of year is Monsoon. Some in the US, and parts of Australia live in semi-tropical locales. They are familiar with a regular daily rainfall for 2 hours or less, the same time each day. It even rains quite hard in some of those places. Actual Monsoon however is anothing altogether, imagine a solid sheet of water for an hour and then tropical storm conditions for 3 or 4 hours or more each day. It is amazing that these ships sail at all at this time of year.

As it is, about every 3 years the Philippines has a terrible ferry accident where multitudes die. Indeed, as I post this the Philippine Navy has handed over body recovery duties to the Philippine Coast Guard (despite my involvement with the country's military I honestly didn't even know they had a fucken Coast Guard) for a ferry called the "Princess." The boat belonged to a very troubled ferry line called Sulpicio Lines, one I USED TO take all the time despite its shitty safety record.

About 1.5 years ago it left Manilla during a Code 1 Typhoon. They allow sailing up until Code 3. After the boar cleared Corregidor Island in Manila Bay and turned south towards Cavite the typhoon strengthened and rang up to a 3.5. Almost at Cavite the ferry turned over and of the roughly 1300 people aboard, 14 survived, including 7 who were doggy paddling for 3 days. Niiiiice.

The Coast Guard is trying to speed up the recovery of the hundreds of skeletons shown to still be inside the hull (I am glad we Jews don't fuck with crabs and lobster).

Those that have been reading me for a while will remember even before that incident I had been nagging Rizza, who can't swim (like most Bisaya for some stupid reason, despite being tropical islanders), to buy a decent life preserver and a can of pepper spray so noone grabbed her life vest in case of emergency.

At least Rizza didn't get scared, but Jackie? If the ship bucks she is nervous as hell. Anyway...

So it's Monsoon, the ship, if you go out on deck, jumps a good meter if its into the wind and that's quite a jump, 3 feet? I am suprised, as I started to say, that they don't lock the doors and keep people inside but that's the way it is here. We kept the cabin door ajar all the time in case of a real problem.

We didn't talk much, I was no longer in the mood. It occurred to me that no matter what happened after this, I was going to have to make a run down to Mindanao, to San Franz. I am opiate/opioid addicted and when leaving the US brought 25 bottles of liquid methadone, 200 mgs each. I had 9 left by the time we left Cebu. In Rizza and my home I had roughly 3.5 kg of morphine (in 10, 20 and 30 mg water soluble Instant Release tablets. 3.1 boxes of the 30 mg tablets equals 1 kg). I also had a great assortment of fentanyl Durogesic (50 and 25 microgram patches). Durogesic is the Jannsen export version with impregnated mylar, no gel like you see in Duragesic, the patches they have in the US. I also have a large quantity of oxycodone (i.e."Oxycontin") Instant Release capsules from Mundipharma.

My prescribing physician, in San Franz died while I was in the US, but at least I was wise enough to stockpile each time I made a trip to a city where morphine was available (5 on all of Mindanao).

I am sure I can find a few in Manila no problem but have enough on my mind and having gone through Cold Turkey Withdrawal 2 times in this country already (1 with methadone, 1 with morphine and the latter was so much worse), I didn't want to worry about a 3rd time.

So, as we sailed around Mindoro, a medium island near Luzon, through the storms and wind, I decided that I would head south to Mindanao after I made sure Jackie was OK... hey, it's not like I can just throw her in the street even if she is a fucken liar.

Nearing Luzon I figured out my game plan, and as we docked on the afternoon of May 31st, I quickly grabbed our stuff, got a cab and without worrying about price had him drive us to Rada Street in Makati, where I sublet the condo.

I felt nothing as I saw Jackie's suprise at seeing the luxury building...oh by the way...As I have noted the Philippines had its elections on May 10th, the new president is Benigno "Nonoy" Aquino III, son of the late Corazon Conjuangco Aquino who saw the country's transition from dictatorship under Marcos to full on democracy, or at least that's the story...and the 50 year old bachelor has decided NOT to live in the Presidential Palace and instead RENT A CONDO. Word is, according to my fellow Hebes in Makati, that it will be my building, the Rada, but we will see.

As it is the building houses so many diplomats that it can't be much worse security wise but I do wonder If I would pass the security check that would preceed his moving in. I am a non-citizen with temporary status, a Middle Easterner (though a Jew) and a convicted drug felon...hmmm...and involved in Mindanowan paramilitaries....

So, I took her upstairs. Unfortunately it is a studio, nothing glamarous and small for 2 people on less than intimate terms. That first night I took her out to a Korean BBQ joint, of course her first time though the malls in Mindanao all have these little kiosks with Korean platters that they cook in front of you, like a pseudo Korean BBQ sans the Kimchee. One thing I always liked about Jackie is that she loves vegetables, I know Im a bit weird haha.

When we both went back she began trying to talk me out of my funk, but to no avail. It was only 730 PM and I decided to go to the mall.

Makati has 4 malls. One of the great things about the town is that all 4 are in tiny area, and better yet, my building has a private pedestrian bridge to the complex where all 4 sit.

Jackie of course wanted to come, and now I couldn't help but laugh as she was overcome with shock, having private concierges opening doors, calling her "ma'am," and then walking through a private pedestrian bridge to luxury malls.

There is a food supermarket called "Swiss Market" which specialises in food expats have to have. For example, in the Philippines there is only white vinegar. The leading domestic brand, "Datu Puti," is only 35% pure, the rest being water. If you want pure cider or even balsamic vinegars you have to go to a place like Swiss Market. Ditto on Catsup (Ketchup). For some semi-retarded reason Filipinos only eat BANANA Catsup. They make fucken catsup from bananas and red food colouring. They don't have that many tomatoes, but still, why the fuck use bananas? It tastes worse than it sounds, I assure you.

Sorry "Crystal," I call it as I see it.

Anyway, got enough food, had Jackie get what she wants which was just about nothing as she is trying to impress me...

And when we got back upstairs I explained that I had to take care of some shit on Mindanao. She knows I take methadone, and before that tablets but never understood the underlying reason.

She knows I take TB meds (Isoniazid and Vitamin B12), as her own father took them as well. I write off any sedation as a side effect of the TB meds, and she says her dad used to get the same "effect" so go figure.

I told her I had to pick up more meds. She of course begged to go with me. I lied (see? even I can be an asshole) and said I was going to Davao City, and only to Davao, to try and alleviate her insecurities and fears over me meeting up with Rizza...or even Rizza's family which also makes her insanely jealous). I promised her I would pick up the meds and head back up immediately but that I couldn't take her because of the cost. She couldn't really argue it then, as she is trying to show me she won't over-burden me, etc.

I left at 4 AM and bought a ticket on Cebu-Pacific at the domestic airport, also in Makati, for the flight to Butuan at 930 AM. Finally took off after 11 AM (good old Philippine's Time!) and landed just after 1 PM.

I hadn't called ahead and took a taxi for the almost 200 KM ride south to San Franz.

As we neared the "rotunda" (traffic circle) on which our road spurs off of, I began to get nervous, after all, I was dropping in alone and unannounced. Surely it would be stressfull for the family...but I will get to that in my next entry.

(Edited for spelling)

i can get lovely crosses if any1 wants, ie done the sonics and wreckin these fellas are much stronger

I skipped church this morning. I was too hung over probably but I didn't even test it. I woke up at 6am, packed a bowl, lit it up and downed a little xanax and slept til...well, now.

Last night I ended up "finding" 10 mg of hydrocodone to top my tiny bit of oxy (5 mg) off with. It really did not give me a buzz whatsoever but I could certainly feel the anti-depressive properties. So I went four days tapering down, got to one night of zero opiates and then fucked with 15mg of assorted pain pills yesterday. What does this say about my resolve? All I really know is that I didn't wake up high and I really don't feel very well today.

I'm doing the sobriety thing slowly. I don't know if I'll ever be purely free from mind/mood-altering substances. I really hope I can but now I find myself bargaining with my girlfriend to let me smoke weed so we can get married. So far there's been no budge. She won't marry me if I'm still a stoner/junkie.

I can't blame her, not on a morning like today. I am so damn depressed today. There's no euphoria to be had out there is there? I mean, I know i'm in a rebounding depression swing here from chronic opioid abuse, but why is everything so fucking boring all the time? I don't feel like doing anything b/c my body isn't tingling and numb. I'm not wrapped in that "Mommy's warm and cool blanket" to enjoy myself while moving through the blankness that is "normal life."

Seriously all I've been thinking about all morning is how to get about $40 today and go score 80mg. I could blow it all today and just be SO HAPPY.

I won't though. I'm too much of a pussy. And I'm truly broke. I wouldn't steal anything or sell something valuable that I own b/c...well...it's too much work for one. Most pawn shops aren't open normal hours around here on Sundays. I've seriously already gone through this thought progression.

Then there'd be actually finding somebody who has something good for sale at an unridiculous price. I usually find myself in the almighty TRAILER PARK to find narcotic pain pills. I haven't cut ties with these people yet, but it's been a good week since I made a purchase and already I can feel a distaince. A dealer called me during my detox and offered to front me an 80 til payday and I actually refuse.

So, basically what I'm saying is I'm confused as fuck and lonely and super-bored. My anxiety isn't bad b/c of the 6am xanax party. I really think I should go see a doctor in the next few days and see if we can resolve some of these issues.

i had one last weekend and didn't take it.

now i'm finding it tough to get over because i realise i'll never get that same golden opportunity again.

maybe another time with someone else

but it's hard to look forward when you can't stop thinking of the recent past

God am i just fooling myself

i need to change i need help. i need encouragement or something.

sometimes i manage to fool myself and be happy and smile

but i think deep down i'm one sad mother fucker

no one likes a sad cunt

if you're sad deep down it's hard to give out a good positive vibe. people can sense that

genuinely happy people give good vibes. for me it takes energy. a lot of energy, constantly

there are times where that energy runs out and you find yourself down, depressed and feeling sorry for yourself

but i hate that. feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time. there's no point. if you're gonna use energy, use it towards being positive and moving forward

but when time after time that appears to fail you start to lose a little faith and start believing that it's never gonna be as bright as you hope it will be

i'm not sure what to do except just carry on. carry on and try your best to stay positive. it ain't always easy though. at times you feel like, what's the point? being an unhappy miserable cunt isn't easy.

but i guess with a little time you soon realise you're just being a bitch and feeling sorry for yourself and it's time once again to just suck it in and carry on. lift your head, stand tall and march on, because once you let life defeat you, then you're simply fucked.

I didn't expect my feet to be the worst part of my detox. I was pretty sure it was gonna be the depression, maybe the diarrhea. I would've expected fatigue, insomnia, but none of this has been the slightest issue.

It's my Damn feet and this job fucking sucks without pain pills. I just popped two motrin but its not helping yet. You plan out your method of quitting: "I'll probably go through x and y. I'll taper this way. It'll be nice to be at work to keep my mind busy." Nope. I just want to lay around all day popping xanax, smoking weed. If I didn't need money right now I'd puke and go home @ lunch.

Instead I'm sitting in the warm warehouse typing my bluelight blog entry for today on my cell phone.

So i went to this big ass party on saturday and got drunker then i have been in years. It was a good party and i had a great time until some little twat decided to try and pick a fight with me. Now im usually alot more mellow these days then i was when i was younger granted i still have my moments even when sober. But in the past when i was drunk my short fuse would become non existant. A few years ago and even sober i would have gladly have smashed his useless head in.

So what did i do when this little cunt decided to give me shit? I simply gave him a warning and told him to fuck off out of my sight. A friend of mine told him to lay off before he got himself killed. My friend has known me for a long ass time as me and his older brother who is now deceased (may he RIP) grew up together and he had seen me in more then a few fights over the years. I really didnt want to cause a scene as the party was for my now dead best friends parents and i spent as much time at their place growing up as i did at my own. Also beating the shit out of someone in front of a bunch of women does not look cool no matter how macho you might think you are.

So am i just older or am i getting wiser and finally mellowing out? The little prick was hardly worth causing a scene over much less bringing everyone at the party down because of it. I guess only time will tell if it's just age or me finally getting some fucking sense.

Also hangovers these days are more like recovering from minor surgery

Out at the grill today, i reached underneath to disconnect the propane tank and BAM! A searing pain rips through the top of my right pointer finger and hand. I draw back with fury and a yellow and black wasp bounces down around my body and to the ground. All I can think of is burning flesh, touching something much too hot and it taking a second to really sink in.

But it definitely did.

In all my cursing and jumping and finger-squeezing, I was able to think for a second. I couldn't think at all at first. My first thought was that I just knicked it on the turn valve. Then the venom spread and I began, "FUUUUUCKKK. Bitch, bitch. God fucking DAMNIT!!"

I ran through the house, eventually over to the medicine cabinet. I just wanted someone to take care of this for me. I'd go to reach for something but the pain would return full fledged and I'd bend over in agony. This type of pain is WAY bigger than anything I've felt. It still throbs right now ~two hours later. My index finger's swollen up to about an inch in diameter too.

I finally got some burn ointment on it and rubbed an aspirin over it to stop the pain. There was no stinger b/c I had gloves on. Then the pain lessened and I could focus again. Lesson learned; look before you touch.

Today is also day four or five (five i'm pretty sure) of my taper schedule. Last night I only took 5mg and I slept like a monster. I do get tired of waking up every morning without pain pills. My legs hurt so badly. Why does it suck so bad not to do opiates? It's strange how I can so easily forget why I get hooked on them so bad when the reasons are staring me right in the face.

They say: "Hey, fucker, your feet and legs hurt like hell. Take some oxy. Hey, douchebag, you owe money to a few places. Take some oxy, you'll forget all about it and watch Sopranos episodes and play xbox and not have to eat. Oh, hey, piece-of-shit, what's wrong? Are you tired? Does your ass itch? Do you have some allergies? Are you completely disappointed with sober, straight life? Take some oxy and it'll all go away."

:D

But I'm feeling really proud about quitting still. I know I'm not totally off yet (still got 2.5mg for tonight) but at least I've got a plan that's almost fully implemented. I am taking xanax and smoking weed and I had a beer last night. But I don't use those things like i do PK's. I don't drink during the work day. I don't smoke weed (that much) throughout the day. I definitely don't take xanax to work. I'd fall the fuck asleep.

I really just want to build my social life. I have definitely been "that guy" who skips going out with his friends b/c of "work early the next morning" when I was just going home early to nod out and be a fuckin loser. I do have a friend that's helping me a lot with the opiate-kick. He's been holding on to my percocet for me, gradually giving me lower doses each night, later and later each night too so I'm reallllly stretching it out the right way.

He was in prison and only one other person than me wrote him letters while he was away. He's basically my best friend b/c of how everyone else has "moved on" in some way or another. I don't blame them for leaving and I really don't have the energy to stay connected with so many people from my past. I grew up with a best friend who lived 4 hours away. I spent summers with him and his folks to get away from where I live now. So, basically, I made pretty damn sure I wasn't going to have a ton of local connections. And I didn't.

Yet, I am not an island. I do have a little family around, most of whom I cannot stand. I spend a lot of time with my brother (well I did before I got back on the pills). We mainly have a few beers and talk shit about our Dad.

What else? Uhhhh...there's a lot more. I thought of a funny idea to start my next short story. It'll be a conversation between an interracial friendship about what it's like to be white. Probably won't have anything to do with the actual piece as a whole.

I used to write a lot. I put a story in WORDS once but it didn't get a lot of attention, not that I expected it to. I sold some of a story once to the theatre director at my college. That was a nice $250. He said he'd use it to develop dialog in another unrelated, dramatic script. Whatever, it was still fuckin awesome to get paid for something I enjoy, at least more than the job I have now.

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 1136PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Misconception # II

"Israel Ethnically Cleansed 'Palestine' of its Arab inhabitants When It Became a Nation in 1948"

Today Israel has 1.2 million Arab CITIZENS. Israel is an incredibly small place, it can be driven north to south in less than 4 hours, under the speed limit. Ergo, either Israel is the most inept genocidal nation the world has ever seen, or the accusation is entirely false.

In fact, Israel DID force SOME Arabs to leave. Between 1949 and 1952 Israel evicted the Arab inhabitants from 11 villages. It did this in border zones where there was a very real concern about infiltration by terrorists and enemy soldiers. However, these 11 villages had all signed the "Obesiance Agreement" with Israel. This was a non-belligerency pact that Israel then completely ignored. This was 100% wrong on Israel's part and the almost 900 Arabs effected by these actions should get more than just the token reparation payout that Israel paid in 1963.

However, critics do not even (usually) know about these 11 border villages. Their charge relates to the mass exodus of Arabs that took place between 1947 and 1949, the event Arabs call, "al Nakhba" (The Catastrophe).

They charge that Israelis, armed to the teeth, raped and pillaged their way across "Palestine," forcing Arabs to flee by committing atrocities and otherwise using violence and overt threats.

First the historical context...the land in question, Israel, the so called "West Bank," Gaza and Jordan have only ever held 2 nations, " (Ancient) Israel" and "Judea." While accepted science, and folklore, holds that Jews were not indigenous to these lands, that they migrated as semi-nomads from what is now Iraq, when they DID settle these lands roughly 4000 years ago they conquered and assimilated the native Peoples, a group of Semitic city states known as the "Canaanites." There was an additional people living in what is now Gaza, the "Philistines."

The Phillistines themselves were conquerors, a Proto-Greek People of the Mycanean Culture, centered on Crete. They too fell before Israel, the last to do so, at around 1000 BCE/BC so that by this era ALL the afore mentioned lands were ENTIRELY Jewish in the political sense, as well as in population and culture.

Conversely, the Arab Peoples who are indigenous to only 1 place on the planet*, did not even begin as a People until the 4th Century BCE/BC!

*The Arabs are indigenous to al Hejaz, a relatively small section of what is now Saudi Arabia.

The first Jewish Nation, the Kingdom of Israel, was already old by the time the Jews defeated the "Palestinians" and with the defeat, and subsequent extinction of the Phillistines, Jews became the indigenous People of these lands.

The 1st Arabs arrived 1700 years later, with the army of Khalifa 'Umar (Caliph Omar) in the 3rd decade of the 7th Century CE/AD,, 2700 years after the Jews arrived.

Still, they did not settle the land, they merely administered it as a backwater province of a far flung empire that within 1 generation stretched from China to Morocco, and up into Europe as far as northern France.

IF France is an "Arab Homeland," IF the Chinese are "Settlers," the "Palestinians" MAY have an argument.

More in the next entry...

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 232PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

I get a suprising amount of PMs here on BL from members curious about Israel, Israelis and to a degree, about Jews in general. For a while now I have been planning to iniate a series of entries on those subjects so that anyone who cares might learn a bit about my nation, and its culture(s).

"MISCONCEPTIONS"

I) "Israelis are Jews."

Israel IS the "Jewish State," the homeland of the Jewish People but less than 80% of Israelis are Jews. Like any nation Israel has minorities. In this case these minorities are ethno-religious in nature.

The lagest minority are the "Israeli-Arabs." I will get into the history as to how Arabs and Jews came to exist on the same piece of land in later entries. Sufficient to say that "Israeli-Arabs" are those Arabs that were living on the land in 1948, when Israel hained statehood, as well as their descendants.

Conversely, "Palestinians" are those Arabs who were living there in 1948 and who fled, along with THEIR descendants, as well as Arabs living in Gaza, the so called "West Bank" and what is now Jordan.

Ergo, "Israeli-Arabs" and "Palestinians" are the exact same "People" except for border demarcations and slightly different post-1948 narrative.

Israeli-Arabs can be found in ALL parts of Israel but are extremely concentrated in the far north of Galilee, a region we call the "Arab Triangle." The main town is Umm al Fahm.

Then there are the "Bedua," or as they are known in English, "Bedouin." Bedua are Arabs but with a highly different culture and a very different form of the Arabic language. There is practically no intermarriage between Israeli-Bedua and no political alliances between the 2 as well.

Another major difference is that Israeli-Arabs rarely serve in the IDF, the Bedua often do.

Another minority that serves in the IDF are the Circassians. Circassians are Slavs and Central Asians from what is the Former Soviet Union. They were brought to the region as military slaves of the Ottoman Empire in the middle of the 19th Century.

Though they are Muslim, and speak Arabic, they do not intermarry with other groups and have their own distinct culture and customs. Many are typically Slavic in appearance (blonde hair, blue eyes), which is another thing that sets them apart.

Another minority, related to the Circassians, and sometimes confused by foreigners to be one and the same are the "Chechens," who were also imported as Ottoman military slaves in the same era as the Circassians. They are also Muslim and also serve in the military.

Both Chechens and Circassians live in very small segregated villages (by choice) in Galilee. There are also communities in Jordan and Syria.

The Druse (Druze) are a religio-ethnic group from northern Israel. Once a sect of Islam, they are members of a religion founded in Egypt nearly 1000 years ago that blends Islam with Christianity as well as Greek Philosophy and other esoteric elements.

There 2 castes in Druse society, one has no responsibility for the faith, and really doesn't even worship (and is not even allowed to study it) while the other is heaviliy involved in religious affairs. With the exception of a single Druse town they serve in the IDF (Cheruv Battalion) and are among the best soldiers Israel has.

They can be found in Lebanon, Jordan and Syria though they are no longer found in Egypt. Speaking Arabic, they do not consider themselves to be Arabs at all. Their own traditions hold that they originally came from Persia (Iran) but there is absolutely nothing to suggest that.

There are "Alawi" (Alawaites), who follow synchrestic religion similar to the Druse and whose members in Syria rule that nation...

I will continue...

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 117PM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Most anyone who watches the news these days is aware of an event that took place 5 days ago, in International Waters near Israel.

A flotilla of ships sponsored by the organisation "Free Gaza," which is just a front organisation for "ISM" ("International Solidarity Movement") and 2 main subsidiaries, "PSM" ("Palestine Solidarity Movement") and "IHH," a Turkish organisation. Most people are entirely clueless of the "Free Gaza" and "ISM" connection but then that is not suprising in a world that expects to be spoonfed information.

As is always the case as soon as this incident took place the media, and the world at large rushed to judgement. Israel, as always, was painted into a corner, described as "racist," "thuggish," "violent" and "murderous." Israel, to its discredit, carried on as usual in that it allowed people to make this rush to judgement. Instead of going on the offencive and distributing full video and audio records, it instead went without making any real statements and in doing so it allowed "ISM" and "IHH" to make outrageous accusations, unchallenged.

Within 2 days the tide began to change.

Initially Israel was told it was criminal in blatantly violating International Law, in boarding a Turkish flagged vessel in International Waters. Then the world began to learn of the "San Remo Manual on International Law Applicable to Armed Conflicts at Sea." This cornerstone of Maritime Law showed, in "Neutral Merchant Vessels," Principle 67(a), (b), (c), (d), (e) and (f) that Israel was entirely within its legal rights to board this vessel.

Or, "International Law," subsection, "The Law of the Sea" (2003) edited by the esteemed jurist Michael Evans. This reference shows that International Law clearly permits such a boarding if a neutrally flagged vessel is suspected of having commited a crime against the forum state (the "forum state" being Israel). The "crime" being support of HAMAS and contravention of the Israeli Blockade.

Or, "The US Commanders Handbook on the Law of Naval Operations," a US Naval manual that tells us a nation/state (Israel) may board any vessel as soon as it leaves an anchorage or berth IF said vessel is beileved to be planning to contravene an extant Maritime Blockade. The flotilla all the while had broadcast EXACTLY THAT for months on end.

Israel was called a "Pirate," but Maritime Law clearly defines a "pirate" as someone who boards and seizes a vesse,l AND THEN uses the vessel or its freight for PRIVATE PROFIT OR GAIN.

The issue is then raised, that even if Israel was within its rights, it should NOT have boarded with high powered weapons. After all the critics say, these people were only "Peace Activists."

Israel boarded with painball and pepper bag rifles. It was not until the THIRD landing team that live weaponry was deployed. First came an Israeli team trying to board via a boat and rope ladder. On board sources (2 al Jazeera hacks and an Egyptian member of parliament, tell us that the "Activists" began attacking the Israelis who then aborted the procedure, trying to avoid any violence).

They tell us that next, a copter hovered overhead and landed a team via rappel cables. It was this team that had 4 men taken hostage immediately. It was this team that were beaten seriously and had 9 members shot and stabbed.

THEN a 3rd team landed, from a second larger copter and boarded with Live Fire weapons Locked and Loaded, is it any wonder?

It can be easily broken down as thus:

Team 1, via Fast Boat

Aborted when faced with assault by "Peace Activists"

Team 2, via Copter

As soon as Team 2 landed they came under violent assault by knife, sling shot and physical assault. 2 of the Israeli soldiers in Team 2 had their holstered sidearms taken off of their tactical vests. These side arms (pistols) were then used to shoot Israeli soldiers. 7 Israelis were seriously wounded. 4 were taken hostage.

Still, the rest of Team 2 only deployed the following LTL (Less Than Lethal) weaponry:

A) Precussion Grenades (a.k.a. "Flash Bangs"), a non-lethal munition used to create a diversion via loud sound and bright light, so that an unruly and/or violent crowds can disperse

B) Gas Cans (a.k.a. "Tear Gas" and "Pepper Gas), to disperse an unruly and/or violent crowd.

C) Baton Rounds (a.k.a. "Rubber Bullets"), rubber coated cartridges fired NEAR individuals behaving in a threatening and/or violent matter. They ricochet causing a diversion, as well as an inhibition of movement.

THEN

Team 3, via Copter

LIVE FIRE as soon as they landed, at 415 AM. It took them until 530 AM to fight their way to the bridge of the ship, gain contol of the vessel and rescue their 4 comrades.

You have 1 of the best trained and armed military elements on the planet (Shayetet 13) landing fully Locked and Loaded (ready for conflict), and yet it took them a full 1.25 hours to traverse 48 meters? How "peaceful" were these "Activists"? How "unrestrained" were the Israelis?

It was during this fight to the bridge that 9 members of IHH were killed.

So who is "IHH"? The group is a Turkish Islamo-fascist organisation with direct ties to the terrorist organisation "Global Jihad." The Turkish Government banned IHH in 1997 for weapons smuggling and for proven ties to Bin Laden's al Qadeh as well as 3 other al Qadeh organisations (Mespotamia, Mughrabi and Yamani).

The present Turkish Government, of PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan is dominated by Erdogan's political party, a sister organisation of HAMAS. This is why Erdogan personally rescinded the 1997 ban.

Prior to the Israeli"s arrival on scene IHH leadership aboard the vessel gave lenghthly interviews to al Jazeera Arabic. In the footage, viewable as are many videos of the boardings, on Youtube, one can see where a man dressed entirely in white (the outfit of Islamic martyrs) takes a scimtar (short sword) and angrily stabbed the air as he talks of making JEWS (not Israelis) pay for their "crimes."

One can see dozens chanting, "Khaibar, Khaibar ya ud Yahood, Ja'ish Muhammad...!!!" ("Khaibar, Khaibar oh you Jews, the Army of Muhammad is returning!"

"Khaibar" was an act of genocide against an antire Jewish city, in 628, by Muhammad and his "peaceful" followers. So one sees IHH, I mean "Peace Activists," swinging a sword and vowing to commit genocide against Jews.

After taking control of the ship at 530 AM the Israelis confined all passengers to cabins until 7 AM at which point they were fully searched and restrained until the ship reached the port of Ashdod, Israel.

In port the wounded were immediately given medical treatment and all ambulatory detainees were fully interviewed and offered immediate repatriation. 54 members of IHH, carrying no ID, refused to identify themselves.

Their identities were determined by Interpol dossiers showing all 54 to be known terrorists.

Among AID carried on that particular ship were crates of body armour, night vision equipment and gas masks, for HAMAS. Also found were unmarked envelopes on the persons of most of the 54 men, containing hundreds of thousands of US Dollars and Euros, obviously meant to fund HAMAS inviolation of US, EU, and Quartet Laws and regulations.

The legitmate commodities were also immediately delivered to Gaza.

So, as always, "Jews suck," "criticism of Israel" is actually prejudicial and racist bullshit.

Today is Friday, June 4th, 2010 and it is now 1158 AM here in San Franz, Mindanao, Philippines.

Recap: The ferry to Cebu was almost docking, the sun had just come up after a long night of serious dicussions with Jackie, about her many lies...

I didn't see much point continuing this type of conversation because I always psych myself up before arriving. 3rd World ports are not the safest places in the world. Indeed, Cebu City is the nation's crime capital. Cebuanos are rightly or wrongly stereotyped as inherently criminal in the north of the country. I DO know that it is the only city in the world where university fraternities function as organised criminal gangs so it is not the type of city where you want to let your guard down.

Actually, it is kind of ironic because Cebu City is also the place most white foreigners settle, yet another reason why I don't like the place. You move to a foreign nation you should live like the locals. White foreigners though try to live like kings, mistreating everyone around them.

As ferries dock in the south small "prao," dugout outriggers powered by oars flock to the ship. Their occupants, sometimes 4 or 5 years old (and alone) are Bajao tribesmen. The Bajao, or "Samal Bajao," or "Sea Gypsies," are Moros, 1 of the 13 Islamacised tribes of the Southern Philippines. The term "Moro" is Spanish, and was applied by the 1st Spanish explorers who of course saw every Muslim in relation to the North African "Moors" who had occupied Spain and Portugal for nearly 700 years.

The 13 tribes had just become Islamicised (in fact only 12 were, the last, the "Kagan" adopted the faith in the mid-19th Century) when Spain arrived. Bajao however are only Muslim in name, living in close proximity to the truly Muslim tribes required such dissemblance.

Their religion is a combination of animism and ancestor worship. Their settlements are always stilt houses in isolated mangrove swamps, or else they settle atop coral reefs 15 to 20 km off of the nearest land.

If anyone has ever seen the terrible Kevin Costner film, "Waterworld," the sets were actually patterened off of Bajao offshore settlements. I wish I remembered "Maria Callas' " tips on using photos in these Blogs because I have some great shots of these villages.

On coral reefs, in water up to 15 meters deep they sink trunks of coconut palm trees, deep into the seabed (they are natural divers, swimming before walking). They then construct bamboo and plam trunk platforms atop these pilings (the embedded trunks). Atop the platforms they build the bamboo framed nipa plam leaf abodes commonly called "nipas" in the Philippines. They connect each platform with bamboo walkways, often with wide gaps so that only someone very accustomed to this type of structure could navigate these small settlements.

In the early 1990s, before the Abu Sayyaf Insurgency (that targets all foreigners up until the present) most settlements maintained an empty abode for any visitors, free of charge. Truly intrepid travellers (such as yours truly) could spend time amongst these very interesting people. As I said, they swim and deep dive before they can walk and anytime you near a Bajao settlement you can see 4 and 5 year old children in their tiny outriggers, paddling out of sight of any other boats, homes or people. Westerners are almost always shocked to see these things.

In times past this tribe, which is actually a collection of ethnically and linguistically linked tribes, were entirely nomadic. Today though most are settled and can be found on islands as far afield as Australian territory, Malaysia and even some Thai islands (there is another tribe, the Mokken, who are also labelled as "Sea Gypsies" who inhabit Burmese and Bangladeshi islands and are rarely settled still.

In Southern Philippine ferry ports the Bajao await any incoming vessel, roaw out as the ships maneuver to dock, and with amazing seamanship and dexterity manage to never get themselves killed. Imagaine a small cruise ship, as it moves to and fro attempting to mosey into a berth dockside. Now imagine 5 year old kids, in some cases nursing moms and even he very elderly paddling to not be crushed and managing it quite well.

It is amazing really, all the more so when they are only doing this to beg the equivalent of 2 Cents US). Passengers aboard the ferries throw these coins that almost always sink to the bottom in water as deep as 10 meters. The young Bajao then dive into the polluted water sans goggles but with 1 (only 1) flipper on 1 foot, and retrieve the coins.

Many Filipinos (as well as myself) disdain this custom because it fosters this sad interdependance on handouts. In fact, in most Southern cities there are now Bajao ghettos where they simply beg on downtown street corners, usually making less than 50 Cents US a day. Butuan has a huge problem with this.

So, the ferry was docking. Jackie and myself stood at the rail looking at the Bajao, begging and diving, one bare breasted woman, feeding a baby on one breast, made eye contact with me and held out her hand with the fake smile they use when begging. Jackie actually got jealous about this but then she has hardly ever travelled and Cagayan del Oro, her hometown, has suprisingly few Badjao. She more likely-than-not did not understand that the woman was merely trying to hustle me.

We grabbed our bags and walked down the gangplank and into Cebu's port. Like most Philippine ports it functions almost as an autonomous city. We walked the almost 2 kilometers to the port gate and grabbed a taxi, after telling Jackie to do the talking, and to use Cebuano (the language).

When a Filipino speaks "Bisaya" (Visayan) they are usually speaking Cebuano though Bisaya can include Ilonggo, Waray, even Butanon, the indigenous language of Butuan. Most though have a mastery of Cebuano which is the dominant form.

Jackie speaks Cagayano, which is a distinct dialect of Cebuano mixed with hilltribe languages like her father's Higaon-an. I am quite fluent in Cebuano since it is Rizza's native tongue (all Mindanowan Bisayans speak it as a 1st language with slightly different dialects than Cebu Proper). However, even speaking in Cebuano I would be charged the "Kano Tax," which means the unofficial "Foreigner's Price." Jackie talking would save us a nice sum of money.

We travelled quickly along the hiway, out of the city (I was in no mood to come across Rizza who is living there now) and went directly to Compostela, Rizza's father's hometown. On the beach, on the border with the town of Danao, is a resort called "Elsalvador," spelled exactly like that (in proper Spanish it would be "El Salvador").

Whenever Rizza, her father and I would visit Rizza's grandparents we would dine there for lunch. It is one of my favourite places in the entire nation.

The setting is gorgeous, but that is not difficult to find on tropical islands, and to be quite honest the beach leaves a lot to be desired. Very narrow, it is quite rocky.

Re the hotel itself. It is rare to find a Western style hotel in the Philippines. The rooms range from 3rd class rooms to private bungalows. Bungalows are only about 90 US a night, though a fortune in the Philippines (3 weeks wages for most laborers) it is quite acceptable by Western standards.

The menu, in the beautiful cafe is not very baried but they do prepare it well. My favourite thing? Bananas are very abundant here, but the one's people eat in the West are only exported. "Cavendish" bananas have a taste that I love. The native species taste a bit like apples and are slightly harder.

They also make a great mango shake!

I took a bungalow and tried to foist Jackie off in a separate room but of course she wouldn't hear it. The bunglaows are set up as suites so I simply used the sofa and gave her the bed.

We spent almost a week, talking it through but I could never get past the betrayal. I say "betrayal" because that is EXACTLY what it is. Still, the issue remained; She HAD given up 3 young children, her family and the only man (supposedly) that she had ever known (besides me). In the Philippines these things are so much more serious than any Westerner might imagine.

Even when one sees a woman leave her husband, and today it is beginning to happen here, one never sees the abandonment of children and absolutely never sees the voluntary enstrangement of one's own family. For all Filipino ethnicities family is everything.

She gave this all up. The question though, is why did she do so? Was it for me, as she desperately claims? Or was it, as her sister says, to simply disappear after making a mess of her life with debt and 3 young kids she apparently wasn't crazy about having?

It could even be a case of BOTH rationales. Yet, I have no way of knowing and the more time I spent with her the more I began adapting and rationalising.

By early Saturday, May 30th, I departed Cebu, for Manila, knowing that I had to be more decisive on this manner. I came to a decison...

But that will wait for my next entry.

I'm back here, alone. Divorced my wife of 13 years a few months ago, my kids are with her for the next 2 weeks summer vacation. Who am I kidding right? I'm a good technical functionary, make a good salary, but since the props have been pulled out from under me, I must admit, I don't have a lot of hope these days. I was clean for 6 years until about 3 weeks ago, when I scored some MDPV, M1, and JWH-lings and set about trying to find some peace of mind. Didn't work so much, and, not that I have a specific regret for 'relapsing' chemically, I mostly am bummed because the people that I've grown to love and admire are in recovery, and, not being one to hold much back, they know about my recent use, and have distanced themselves completely, or maybe it's a mutual distancing, whatever. The reality is that I"m alone in a 4,500 sqft house (alone except for the cat, dog, the kids guniea pigs), and I have become phobic - I rarely leave. I've gotten in the car twice in the past week for trips to the store for cigs and caffeine. I have a woman who runs errands for me that I can leave a check on the front porch along with a grocery list and she takes care of it. Jeesh. It's like I'm 24 again, before I met my ex, and was basically working and slumming alone, only now I make a lot more money and I work entirely from home. I can be anyone I want to be on the phone and online with my customers. So objectively, is this 'bad' - I'm not completely dysphoric, although one reason I became so willing to order up some chems was because I've been in a state of emotional flatness for years, and the risk of addiction seems worth it in exchange for feeling joy again. Yea, I know - exercise, anti-depressants, good food, etc. I've done all of that, in various combinations for varying periods of time. I'm taking some real risks I know - tapering of my SSRI (staying on the SDRI and lamictal). Researching which chems stand the best chance of invoking euphoria with as little down-side crash risk as possible - oh, I found out that MDPV + M1 is not the way to go. Ended up getting a punch in the ass of an adrenaline hit a couple of weeks ago that threw me into a panic attack for 3 hours. Bleh. Also, not willing to take any psych's - I know what will be revealed on the trip, and I don't want to be pounded in the skull with my shortcomings and failures at this point. Just pleasure, softness, gentless, forgiveness, joy - that's what I'm after. Oh - the poppy tea - certainly some peace with that, but OMG the fucking constipation was ungodly - seriously - major incidents. Not that I don't still sip every couple of days, I just down a teaspoon of psillium powder every time I go to the kitchen to avoid the worst of it. Alcohol - no thanks, at least not as a hobby. Maybe I'll grab a good bottle of a dry red soon for the next time I go 'spearmintin with RC stims. Oh, I ordered some phenazepam to ease that panic stuff as well.
I'm fascinated with drugs - the psychological changes they can evoke, the culture, and the chemistry. I spend most of my free time reading BL, tihkal, pihkal, erowid, mapps stuff, whatever, because I really think that the keys to being happy are largely neurochemical. I definitely think that religion is neurochemical. The only thing that I miss is a real social life - I have my work, which as I mentioned is all online from home. I have my kids, but only 1/2 the time, and at 11 and 13 they are (i almost hate to say it) - more of a challenge than a source of contentment at this point. Don't get me wrong - I love them and would take a bullet any day for either one, but they are getting on with the business of growing up, and that means pushing the limits. So right now it's just me and my cat, on BL. I think I want to try MDMA (yea, i've never done it!). I've been ordering comfort items online like mad - just got a bunch of beautiful hand-crafted resin-powder incenses. On the way in the mails I have MDPV, Mephedrone, Phenazepam, Methylone, Naphyrone, seroquel (to abort the bad ones), a beta-blocker, and more Viagra. Not that I'm getting laid - after I started using again, my gf (who is about 1 year sober) just backed the fuck off. Funny thing is, she called me last night to make sure that I wasn't seeing someone else. give me a fucking break. You don't want to hang out with me, but yet you would have a problem with me seeing someone else. In some ways getting laid was like the one thing that kept me attached to the idea that I was OK, and desirable, and my libido is pretty high - and with her, it started out with great sex a few times a week, only to start dropping precipitously over the past few months, leaving me feeling like 'what's the fucking point? Is this the 'girlfriend experience'? Hell, I just got out of a marriage that had little sex, but at least there was a shared history and kids that kept it together for a long time. With the GF, no long history and declining frequency of sex. a fucking waste of time. Porn is free and lube cheap. Have a great day.

well i injected as usual but misseds a little bit now sore slightly ;like a 4 or 5 on pain scale but little hot underneath will it go away only been iv ing for a short period would apreciate some feedback

I'm tired of fucking around with these feelings. This fuckin' monkey, this disappointment with others, this fucking irrational fear and lack of faith.

I think I may need to just get it over with and get a taste.

I dunno, man. This sucks. Can I use recreationally? Probably not. Will I lose a lot of shit (if not all) of what I've fought for? Yeah.

I still want a taste of good coke in my arm, regardless of the consequences.

Insanity.

Fucking insanity.

Woke up this morning with that terrible feeling that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. Of course, the farther I get away from opiates, the less false comfort I'm going to feel. I'm just losing my safety net and it pisses me off more than anything.

Bowel movements for example; they're coming on hard. The diarrhea and fatigue following is on its way. Today is my third "clean" day in a row even though I'm still tapering. Last night I only took 10 mg oxycodone after waiting about 27 hours from the last dose. I did smoke a bunch of pot yesterday evening though. So that definitely helped.

I remember last night making the remark, "Wow, this is easier than I thought it'd be." It probably will be. I was just super worried that the withdrawals would be more intense but tapering is saving my ass, even as steep a taper that I'm using. I'm being able to hold it together with only 10mg in a 24 hr window. I'd say that is a sign my tolerance hadn't soared as high as I thought. thank, well, whoever deserves the thanks for me not having to suffer so much.

I'm trying not to think much about other things, stuff that stresses me out a lot. I'm trying not to think about school, my job, money I owe, how much I spent on pills over the past half year. How I lied to everyone again, was unfairly selfish for months, did something I never wanted to...again.

Other than that, I still haven't gotten too down on myself. I really think it's because I'm not relying on anyone other than myself to clean up. Nobody's here to make me feel guilty about what I did. My mom is basically the only person I know who has an inkling about any of it.

I realized, in talking with some other people about drugs the other night, that I know a lot about prescription drugs. I know about dosage and interactions and bla bla bla...mostly b/c of bluelight. I really love this site and that's all I've got for today.

Woke up this morning with that terrible feeling that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. Of course, the farther I get away from opiates, the less false comfort I'm going to feel. I'm just losing my safety net and it pisses me off more than anything.

Bowel movements for example; they're coming on hard. The diarrhea and fatigue following is on its way. Today is my third "clean" day in a row even though I'm still tapering. Last night I only took 10 mg oxycodone after waiting about 27 hours from the last dose. I did smoke a bunch of pot yesterday evening though. So that definitely helped.

I remember last night making the remark, "Wow, this is easier than I thought it'd be." It probably will be. I was just super worried that the withdrawals would be more intense but tapering is saving my ass, even as steep a taper that I'm using. I'm being able to hold it together with only 10mg in a 24 hr window. I'd say that is a sign my tolerance hadn't soared as high as I thought. thank, well, whoever deserves the thanks for me not having to suffer so much.

I'm trying not to think much about other things, stuff that stresses me out a lot. I'm trying not to think about school, my job, money I owe, how much I spent on pills over the past half year. How I lied to everyone again, was unfairly selfish for months, did something I never wanted to...again.

Other than that, I still haven't gotten too down on myself. I really think it's because I'm not relying on anyone other than myself to clean up. Nobody's here to make me feel guilty about what I did. My mom is basically the only person I know who has an inkling about any of it.

I realized, in talking with some other people about drugs the other night, that I know a lot about prescription drugs. I know about dosage and interactions and bla bla bla...mostly b/c of bluelight. I really love this site and that's all I've got for today.

Today is Sunday, May 30th, 2010 and it is now 829 AM here in the South China Sea, en route to Luzon (Manila), from Cebu (Cebu City).

To recall my last pitfall...I was still trying to wrest the truth Jackie, my lover. She had kept many secrets from me, not least of which was a 3rd child who is only 11 months old. We were still on a ferry, travelling from Nasapit/Butuan (Mindanao) to Cebu (Cebu City).

Rachamim: "Jackie, your sister told me that you ran away because you owed money to everybody you know. She says that you borrowed 38,000 Pesos (roughly 650 US) from MBAI (Philippine Army Bank), pawned Mohammed's (pseudonym of her "husband") ATM*, borrowed 3000 Pesos (67 US) from a neighbour against Mohammed's Army Bonus, and a bunch of other things. How much of this is true, and please don't think of lying to me again because I will have it looked into."

Jackie: "Its a lie!!! I swear, that is a lie!"

R: "You have no reason to lie to me now, tell me the truth because I am telling you now, when we land? I am calling my attorney and have your entire background investigated. I am telling you to your face, and as I told you, as long as you are honest to me I will not abandon you in the street but the moment I find you have lied again, you will never see my face for the rest of your life."

NOTE:* In the Philippines, banking is slightly different than in the US. For one thing, no FDIC insurance (for non-Americans: This is Federal insurance for your holdings, up to 100,000 US per account). There are no wire transfers except for 4 banks in Manila, and ATM accounts are used for payment in maany, even most jobs (in a lot of areas). Thus, pawning an "ATM" means giving over all your payroll ATM account info to a creditor to secure a loan.

Jackie's sister accused her of doing this to Mohammed's army pay account, ergo leaving him totally broke. This is compounded in severity because of 3 very young children.

Rachamim: "Tell me the truth, I know you were in despserate need of money. That is a fact. Though you did not allow me to help you, you must have found it somewhere, where did you get the money Jackie?"

Jackie: "If you talk to my sister again tell her she will have to worry about HER debts now. Jackie is not around to go crazy trying to help her!"

R: "Ahhhhhhhhh....Now I see...

J: "WHAT???"

R: "You DID borrow from everyone but it was only to help your sister, right?"

J: "In truth no, MBAI cannot give out loans to anyone but the actual soldier, not his dependants. As for pawning an ATM, I would not even know how to do it."

R: "What about the 3000 Pesos from your neighbour?"

J: "NO!!! I used to borrow from my dad on the 15th, when he gets his army pension, or else from my 2 elder brothers, especially the older of the 2." Mostly though, I borrowed to help my sister who could never make ends meet."

R: "And of course it was hard because you, Mohammed and the kids were sharing her house."

J: "I only moved in with her after my younger brother broke my window.*"

NOTE: This "younger brother" is the methamphetamine addict who broke a jalousie window, stole Jackie's PC, DVD player and some cash.

Jackie: "My sister knows this!!! She knows I have my own house!"

Rachamim: "You do? So why then did you admit that you shared her house earlier when I first confronted you?"

J: "Look! For one thing, I WAS SHARING HER HOME, only it was AFTER my brother robbed me and left my house in shambles! Secondly, it is true that when you thought you visited my house it was my friend's house but only because I was scared of what would happen if anyone saw us on that level!"

NOTE: Now what was scary for me? I was beginning to think this girl is making sense. I know that the mind is suceptible when we are emotionally vulnerable, to make rationalisations, excuses for the errant behavior of people we have inveted time, effort and emotion into. Therefore I was trying to stay objective as possible and fully play the devil's advocate.

Of course this wasn't too difficult to do since she did after all, have a "mystery baby."

Rachamim: "Yet Mohammed lived with you in your sister's home..."

Jackie: "NO! She knows this also! He lived at camp!"

NOTE: "Camp" is used for anything from a division base to an FOB (Forward Operations Base, Fire Camp)

Jackie: "Sometimes he would come but could never sleep over because I didn't allow it. My whole family knew this, for many months and it is why I ended up running away. They condemened me because I ended the marriage. I wouldn't let him touch me!

Even on Valentine's Day! He came to my house, he tried to get physical and we got into a big argument that caused even neighbours to come over. Everyone criticised me saying, 'Jackie, why are you wearing black. Your husband is here to see you and you're arguing? You should be having romantic time for the 2 of you'. I was so angry.

I kicked everyone out angrily, Mohammed left and went back to camp. It was the night you and I did cam to cam (on IM). You IMd with me all night Raki, all night, you know I was alone. I was alone and if I am not alone it is with you, just like Noche Buena (Xmas Eve) and New Years Eve! I have been yours and only yours!"

R: "Uh, yes, mine and Ibrahim's (her infant son's pseudonym)."

NOTE: This caused Jackie to break down in tears once again. By this time the sun was rising, meaning we were about 2 hours off of Cebu. I had to figure out a game plan, and fast. I was not going to be able to do so as long as I stayed in that emotional pressure cooker so I told her once again, I am going for a short walk, and had her promise me once again that she would not hurt herself.

Finally she promised and I walked to the litle cafe that they have, selling Ramen noodles and the nasty candy that is sold in the Philippines. Not as bad as Japan, Taiwan or China, the sweets still suck, trust me.

I walked around the deck for a good hour, but these ferries aren't that big. They are ocean going ships, but small just the same. The sun was up completely as I made my way back to the room, not knowing really what to expect.

With the shore of Mactan Island (a small island off of Cebu City, part of the metro area and historically, the island where Megallan got his white ass killed), coming into view as I opened the cabin...

(To be continued)