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I'll treat this like a little update since I haven't posted to the el-blog-o for a while now. I've been too freakin busy. Working full time and taking staining/painting jobs on the side (which basically amounts to about 30 additional hrs each week so far) is wearing my ass out.

But, alas, I did finish my first professional "job" for a "client." I still feel like I'm just some dude showing up at peoples' houses, staining their decks. Whatever. I got paid $500 for less than a week's work. SOooo, last night I celebrated. I took her out to eat for thai and sushi and had a few beers and a fat joint before bed. All in all, a good time had by everyone.

I do need to make business cards to leave with satisfied customers. Advertising is another important step that I think I might have figured out, at least for what I'm doing right now. I have a friend who runs a paper route that could stuff fliers in all his route's papers. That would definitely get my name out there with absolutely no investment. If i didn't know this guy, i wonder how hard it would be to pay off a delivery guy to stuff his papers with fliers.

"SWIM" is selling weed again too. It's fun. I'm smoking buds for free, not trying to turn a profit but more of just a hook-up my friends for a free bag per week operation.

SAturday, 2 days ago, <i went for a wlak in the park.

Twilight. [fast, ragged clouds flying in so low that they intermittently engulf Sutro Tower and even the tree tops on that hill. Smell of eucalyptis on the cold wind.] <i was high. A police cordoned off area [on the north side of the path and pond before you get to the "cave" that goes udner a park service road]. Even a detective standing there. SEveral squad cars and otehr city cops standing around. This was at the park entrance wehre the panhandle meets the park prper. Some guy walks up to a tree nearby and pisses.


<past the bowlign lawn club, somebody comes out fo the busehs, and smashesa bottle ont he path. Still dusk.
yeah, she´s been clean over a week now....

gf is panicking now. walking back, the cops drive out and .... <dope market´s open for business again."[says somebody standing on stanyon at the park entrance]
<haight
A filthy stew bum pissing in the trash can behind the bus stand.[on Haight st. across from the mcdonalds]
[a disheveled man sings:] Welcome to the Age of Acquarius the age of aquirius......

[a fat bum:] <you´re in the wroing part of town- <you should go north "

[teenage girl standing in doorway:] yeah peopel, we´re taking a shit on the sidewalk. give me some money.......

[the night of headline-making police shooting across the bay in oakland]

san jose costa rica

Right now I'm just really hating myself and seeing my life is a pathetic mess.
I feel like I'm falling into the "old PT" spin.
Full of excuses and no motivation to try to make changes.
I don't mean to discount everything. It just all feels so impossible.
I need a BIG change. I just don't know what....
I feel so out of control!

To be 24, or turn 25: that is the problem:
Is it better to suffer inside
Through whores and panic attacks you don't deserve or desire,
Or to pick up a gun staring toward the sea of bullshit that's become your life,
Curing the problem by facing it? To die: to sleep;



tick tock.. two n a half hours to go...

Goin for a ride. grab something to drink

thank you so much for the input.

thats what I was considering as well. im going to taper then drop to no dose then hop on suboxone. but i have heard that people in turn will get addicted to the suboxone so Im not sure if i should even get into the subs?

I really appreciate the input though. say I take around 200 mg a day. over how many days do you think I should wait to drop from dosage level to dosage level?

And how much of a MG drop should I do each time I go down a level ??

Thanks for any replies any help much appreciated.

hey! so, my boyfriends b-day is coming up soon and he keeps talking about how he misses smoking damiana. so that sparked an idea in my brain that i want to get him damiana for his b-day. the only problem now, is that i dont know where i can get it for cheap and in this somewhat of a short amount of time. i live in springfield missouri. anyone know of a place i can buy some damiana to smoke?

I had a really beautiful post I wanted to write about what my soul looked like. Who I truly am. But I don't have the strength in me anymore to write it. It feels like a lie when I'm feeling the way I am.

The tears just roll down my face as though I can't control them. I said I wasn't going to cry, it was stupid to cry over. But it happens anyway. I still say I'm not crying cause I'm not committing to it. I don't want to.
I hurt a lot. And it seems that no one knows, or no one cares. My troubles and heartache are laughable.

I feel like I'm coming unhinged. I know I just have to pull it back together. I just wish I could could be honest with you guys (BL) when once in awhile I really do hurt. But I fear the reaction of "oh its "Old PT" fuck that. We hate you.
Please remember I'm still human.
I'm not always happy go lucky and PLUR. Nor am I Emo. I am not to be labeled.
I am human and I have feelings and right now I feel so sad and lost and I guess my blog is the only place I can try to get it out.
Try to keep it from eating me alive.

The tears come more now. Still not committing to this crying bullshit. But at least I can hope its all this is a little cathartic, or something...

Today I only worked for about an hour. It's my weekend now.

My fucking coolant is leaking like it's going out of style. It's more of an irritation than anything else... but I don't have money in my budget to fix my car.

That's what I get for buying an old Audi, but I do love it.

My solution was to use some cpvc glue to try and seal the crack in my coolant reservoir. We will see how well it works. Hopefully it can just carry me until next Friday.

My uncle Terry is going to be calling me tomorrow. I need to ask him for money. I need a laptop and textbooks money so I can start going to school again in the Fall. I have been awarded grants that cover my tuition, which is great, but my job at the treatment center has me just scraping by, and my other job doesn't pay enough to afford me that stuff.

I realized today that I was wearing a two hundred dollar pair of jeans and stressing out about a hundred dollar car repair. I guess I haven't been too smart with my money over the past three years.


But I'm not starving and I'm not exposed to the batshit insane heat outside and I'm not dopesick and miserable.

Life's good today.

I should probably start by writing a bit about myself. I'm a 24-year-old unemployed transsexual girl with major depression, borderline personality disorder, a heavy methamphetamine addiction, and a benzodiazepine dependence. Enough baggage to fill a cargo plane!

I live in a New Zealand city of about 200,000 people. I studied psychology for a while at university, before having to drop out because of all the crap going on in my life. Maybe one day I'll return to finish to degree, once I've got my shit together in a neat little pile. I have no idea what I want to do with my life career-wise, but frankly I don't really care at the moment. I've got bigger things to worry about.

I've been smoking methamphetamine for two years (at this time of writing), and have been using it especially heavily over the past year. I'll use whenever I can get it, however I can get it. My peak usage has been two grams of pure crystal meth every day of the week, but I'm now trying to reduce that (and I am making some progress there, with the help of a drug counsellor).

I was first prescribed clonazepam at 18 for anxiety and panic attacks, and have been taking them regularly for around six years. I'm currently on 6mg a day (mostly just as a maintenance dose, to prevent withdrawals) but I do have the odd moment when I abuse them and take much greater doses. I have an insane tolerance to benzos for someone with a body mass index of only 15-16, and I'm very dependant on them. If I don't have my clonaz, I get very sick indeed. One time, after stopping cold turkey, I had a full blown seizure (convulsing, foaming at the mouth, and all that jazz) and woke up in the emergency department.

Anyway, that basically sums up me and my issues. I tend to be incredibly lazy with blogs, but hopefully I'll write more soon! :D

Good times. What's better than getting cheated on? How about when your slutbag girl friend starts sucking your 'best friends' dick behind your back?


I'm sure there is a special place in hell for losers like Muhammad Kased. Fucking cock suckers who cheat on their fiances with their best friends girl. Go the fuck back to Palestine to your ignorant virgin, take the shame and HIV with you and never come back. You picked the wrong couple to get involved with you fucking moron. Have fun at the doctors. Hope Palestinian health care is better than it was when you left.


And you and I both know she was a shitty lay- you think you regret it now? Just wait till the fun starts you drop out fucking loser.

I've been a cranky motherfucker lately, but there's nothing like a survey to make you feel better. Here's hoping at least.

(stolen from a_c's post, hence the lack of capitalization )

my name is: Dave

this morning i was: Way too fucking tired

im afraid of: People, mostly.

i dream about: "Meatball subs; all you can eat for two dollars!"

Seriously, just having someone that I can love, who loves me back. For once.

Have You Ever…

pictured your crush naked?: Daily.

been in love: No

cried when someone died: Yes.

lied: When I was quite young I was a pathological liar, but now I hate falsehood and try to be as honest and candid as possible.

flowers or candy: If candy = chocolate, then candy; else flowers (preferably living ones planted in dirt)

scruff or clean shaven: I can pull off both, but the latter seems to get better feedback.

tall or short: I'm on the tall end of average, around 192 cm. I seem to prefer smaller ladies though.


With The Opposite Sex…

what do you notice first?: Eyes/lips/teeth

last person you slow danced with: No idea, as it was probably over a decade ago.

worst question to ask: I'm not to sure about this one. Either way, people generally don't ask me about myself-- which is why I like surveys

Who…

makes you laugh the most?: My best friend's wife. She's an absolute riot.

makes you smile: My crush.

gives you a funny feeling when you see them: See above.

is easier talk to: boys or girls?: Depends.

Do You Ever…

sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: No. Sitting on the internet should be its own reward.

save AIM conversations?: Is saved by default by my IM client

wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: If it could be done reversibly (and completely, rather than current gender reassignment), in a second. If it was one way but 100%, probably.

cry because of something someone has said: Not cry, but I can get upset pretty easily at times.

pray?: Not since I didn't get that Lamborghini in 4th grade.

Have You Ever…

fallen for your best friend?: Nope.

rejected someone: Once. She was a creeper, and a fundie.

cheated on someone: No, and I never would.

been cheated on: Yes

done something you regretted: Of course. Nearly daily.

wanted to die: Yup.

Who Was The Last Person…

you talked to on the phone: My mum I think. I avoid phones like the plague, and generally stick to texting.

hugged: Best friend's wife.

you instant messaged: Don't recall; I don't use IM all that much, unless texting counts.

you laughed with: A circle of close friends, including my Best Friend's Wife.

Do You…

color your hair: Normally no. But I'm doing a hair modelling gig at a trade show this weekend, which involved getting a (free) very expensive dye job. The last time that I dyed it before that was probably 1998.

ever get off the computer: When I'm not at work or home, or when I'm asleep. Otherwise I'll at least have it on to play music (monitor off of course).

habla espanol: Non, mais je parle Francais.

sprechen sie deutsches: Eine kliene bissien.

fight with your parents: Not really, although I do ration my time with them.

have friends you’ve lost touch with: Of course

feel happy?: I have my moments. Right now, not really.

wish you could fly away.. far, far away?: Yes. I'm mulling over selling my place and disappearing for six months.

believe in God?: No

could you live without the computer?: Yes, but I'd have a tough time communicating with people.

what’s your favorite candy?: Chocolate of any form, as long as it is of decent quality.

whats your favorite fruit?: Fresh pineapple

sunrise or sunset?: Sunrise is hopeful, sunset is peaceful/mournful. Both are of equal beauty.

what hurts the most? Emotional.

trust others way too easily?: Generally not, although I let people hurt me too easily.

are your fingers cold?: Generally not.

coke or pepsi: Neither. I haven't had any of that toxic filth for years.

Final Questions…

I want: something?

I wish: I had better social facility.

I love: Cooking, reading, learning, relaxation, music, art, and life.

I miss: Feeling connected to people.

I fear: Covered above, like the second question. Who wrote this survey?

I hear: My computer fan, and the upstairs neighbours having guests over.

I smell: Very little. My sense of smell, while recovering somewhat, is still pretty weak.

I wonder: If I'll ever feel comfortable.

Poping 5 tylenol#3's as soon as i get out of bed just to ward off the junk WD and the fact that i can barely fucking walk my leg hurts so bad. That was the last of the codeine i had now all i have left is lousy tramadol. Which ive taken 300mg's of today.

Still breathing zopiclone fumes from last night i eat 250mg's of lyrica and 1200mg's of gabapentin to cut the cravings for alcohol and to calm me down. The 8mg's of clonazepam helps as well. I may eat more tramadol later on because i shouldnt have a seizure with the meds im on.

My brain is scrambled from the mix of downers im on and right now that is a good thing. Im not feeling too sick and certainly not as bad as expected. As long as i can keep my nerves down im alright.

Fuck i wish it was thursday or friday so i could get my morphine. Fucking hell thats seems like a long way away.

Today is Saturday, June 26th, 2010 and it is now 847 AM here in Makati, Luzon, in the Philippines.

To recap, I was back in the family compound in San Franz, Mindanao, and seeing Col. Carlos Lademora...

I had said in my last entry that he and I were "relieved," that we had escaped attention after the "Maguindanao Massacre." As I had briefly mentioned, the "Massacre" took place at the hands of a pro-government paramilitary.

After it happened there was a lot of public sentiment demanding the dissolution of all official paramilitaries. There was also A LOT of attention paid to alleged misdeeds committed by these paramilitaries.

The Philippines has ALWAYS been a nation of "warl-rds" and little fifedoms. The central government in Manila offers tremendous latitude as long as it gets the votes it desires come election time.

The paramilitary in the "Massacre" was the Ampatuan family's and consisted of CVO (Civilian Volunteer Organisations). CVOs are usually found in Muslim majority areas and they service LGUs (Local Government Units), meaning Barangay, Town/City and Province.

Normally they are outfitted with M1 Garands which are pretty useless in today's world but that is how it is. Applicants who join a CVO get almost 2,700 Pesos a month (about 57 US), and 45 days military training, at least on paper.

They only serve in the community to which their particular CVO is attached. The equivalent in non-Muslim areas like mine is a CAFGU (Kaf-Goo), meaning "Civilain Auxilary Force Geographical Unit.

I have spoken in past entries about my nascent paramilitary, and that it s a type known as "CAFGU-SS." The actual label is, "SSCA," (Special CAFGU Active Auxilaries).

CAFGUs and CVOs are paid for by the government and armed at the government's discretion, ergo crappy rifles and shitty training. SS though are created by landholders and businessmen. We fund it, we arm it, or rather we tell the government what to order for us since it has to go through their end user certificates (difficult ordering up 400 AR15s from the US, to the Philippines, without it).

We can train them ourselves if we choose though they try to get us to put them through the government's 45 days training for quasi-reservists.

So, after the "Massacre" there was serious talk over re-vamping the entire system but the government knows this is impossible to do. They created a stupid commission with no teeth, to identify, list and then demobilise "private" paramilitaries but what this translated into was nothing but a few newspaper blurbs.

In fact, before I continue, I should offer some more details about how Jackie and I actually met. As I said in past entires it happened at the military base Jackie was born and raised on, the same base she was living on when we met.

My section of Mindanao is the Eastern half of the island, ergo "EASTMINCOM" (Eastern Mindanao Command). EASTMINCOM has 2 AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines) Army Divisions, the 4th and the 10th.

My village, or town, borders the 4th and 10th, though our compound falls within the 4th. Jackie's base is the 4th Division's main base.

When Col Lademora put the bug in my ear about forming my own SS (he has his own and the idea is to buil mine sufficiently and then fold them into each other and create quite a formidable force), he introduced me to the 4ths CO, Major General Mario Chan, at his office on that base, Camp Edilberto Evangelista.

General Chan put me in touch with 2 Lt.Cols., COs of 2 different Battalions, the 23rd and 29th (in the 402nd Brigade), directly. The Philippine military is quite different from any I have ever known. Normally he would have introduced me to the Brigade CO but in this case it took the form of a 5 minute phone call, a courtesy call if you will, informing him that he was hooking me up with the 2 Battalion COs.

2 days later the LT Col of the 23rd met me for lunch in San Franz and then took me to Esperanza, a small town in my province that I have mentioned in past entries since we have an important rice broker of ours doing business up there.

Esperanza is not like San Franz. Our town is locked up tight, it is the home of the Ilaga Movement,a pro-government movement that I have talked about before. Ergo, the NPA (Maoist Insurgency) leaves us totally alone, excepting 1 offencive about 18 months ago when most of the town had become refugees, but I am meandering too much.

Esperanza on the other hand is in deep conflict. From barangay to barangay (neighbourhood to neighbourhood) one can find the NPA ruling with a shadow/parallel government, or one can find pro-government paramilitaries holding strong.

Esperanza is one of 3 "capitals" of the Higaon-on Hilltribe, Jackie's father's tribe. Like "indigenous" Peoples the world over Hilltribes are caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse (don't I sound so very trite using that "cat and mouse" shtick?).

The 23rd IB, whose CO was chauffering me around, is the point unit for a pro-government paramilitary known as the "BLA" (Bungkatol Liberation Army), the armed wing of a political movement known as "BULIF."

BULIF seeks to gain much more autonomy for the Higao-on, though at this point not to secede.

When I got involved the organisation was at its germination, just coalescing. I admired the foresight of the 4th ID to seize the iniative and turn what could have been yet another seccessionist organisation into pro-government force.

The word "Bungkatol" basically translates into English as, "The true and earnest laws and customs of our tribal elders." They wanted to avoid being used by the NPA, but at the same time they agreed with the NPA that the government's COIN (Counter-Insurgency) protocols were not serving the needs of the Hilltribesmen.

I will continue in yet another post because of the wonderful character count.

(Edited for spelling)

Hey all, was and am prescribed oxycodone 30mg=40mg and have been taking religiously for years. Now I'm thinking of trying to get off them for awhile so they will actually help my pain again! my tolerance has grown so high my recommended dose does anything, and im not sure there is anything higher then this ? any ideas on how to taper my dosage and make my withdrawal as comfortable as possible (although I know it will be hell no matter what)!! please help me through this, or any alternative ideas to get me to feel the meds again withOUT having to stop them would be amazing! Thanks in advance guys. Hope to make bluelighter within the next day or two! woohoooo!! :D

Well, there was a huge mix up of dates, perfect timing 8) Thursday is the viewing and friday is the buriel.

Earthquake talk -- Its rediculous, it was very minor considering. Though I am sure people not used to it would be a little rattled. i don't think it warrented all the news time it took up. I felt it here in Toronto. It rattled my house like a rag doll but nothing got knocked down just alot of shaking and TV almost got knocked down.

My brother lives on the 2nd floor and he never felt it and my brother was driving into hamilton right after it ended and felt nothing.

My daughter felt nothing on her 2nd floor classroom.

I was on the 2nd floor when it happened and I felt it. i dunno why some did and some didnt. weird.

Thats all on that.

Won't be online for a couple days, maybe more, I dunno.

Hope all is well around the world.

I just found out at 3pm that my dad died sometime between 11am - 2pm. He died in his sleep from a heart attack, we initally thought it was his ulcer and we didn't even know he had heart issues besides a slightly elevated blood pressure.

He was only 63 years old. His mother died the same way, after having her 3rd stroke. His mother died though at 84yrs old, his father died when he was 53yrs old of Cancer.

His viewings are Wed, Thurs, Fri of this week. I don't know how I'll even go. I mean I will go, but I don't think I will be able to "say goodbye" at the casket.

My family and I were never uber close but my parents and I were close enough. They had their issues but I knew my dad loved me and that he adored my mom.

My parents would have been married 30 years next month (or was it August? i forget) and have been together about 35 years.

I always told myself that i wouldn't cry if my parents died because in my head i "expected" it because of their drug habbit and their already poor health.

I kinda expected my brother or mother to die first, not being mean but they are in the poorest of health. My brother has Hepatitus C and bad kidneys, smokes and does pills and drugs of all kind. My mother has Epilepsy, and just over all bad health.

I got the call just before I was supposed to pick up my son from school. Thought it was him getting back to me after I called at 1:30pm. I was just about to say, "Hey no-mind what's up?" an inside joke we always kidded about when we talked but then I heard my brother's voice and my husband saying, "WHAT?!".... so I was like, "Uh, hello?" and my brother told me. Needless to say, I had to hang up for an hour to get my stuff together before I could talk to anyone.

Its been a long day.....

To top it off my ex-MIL had the nerve to bitch at my husband when he called to ask her to pick up my daughter from school... "Why couldn't you call sooner?!" she yelled at him...

Well pardon me bitch if I didn't know my dad died until 3pm, next time he dies I'll ask him to send a memo ahead of time to not inconvience your beer binge.... is what I wanted to say but i kept my mouth shut.

To top it off my son has been acting up all day, more so than normal. Just being outright bad. Telling everyone that he wishes they would die just because they won't give him things or they make him mad...

I got a headache

First note on blog.

Received?

I wake up in the backseat of the Jeep somewhere along highway 75 in the darkness, barreling down the asphalted two laned road at 70, 80 miles per hour and looking out of the window of the door which I had been leaning my head against, which is open a crack, wind rushing in making a steady unbroken wooshing noise and I close it instinctively, notice nobody else around at all, no headlights, no nothing and then sit up straight, unbelted, the green army blanket wrapped around me in a way that I know somebody else had placed it on me while I slept. The radio is off but the red and blue glow of letters and numbers coming from the dashboard illuminate her face enough for me to see and she's smiling, her lips moving slightly not making any noise, not saying anything, singing to herself. Why didn't you wake me up, I ask her, already knowing what she's going to say. Because you were tired. I'm okay up here, i'm a better driver than you think I am. And she knows what i'm going to say. That isn't the point, alluding to the slight issue of her lack of a drivers license, something she has never really given a shit about but has plagued me with anxiety whenever she is behind the wheel, especially in a state I know nothing about, miles away from home on the other end of the country. I reach underneath the passengers seat and pat around for my father's flask, bring it up underneath the blanket and unscrew the top, trying not to make any noise, put it to my lips and drink whatever is left of the cheap bourbon I put in somewhere in North Carolina in the bathroom of the dimly lit truck stop with holes in the wall.

We can stay at Dale Hollow for the night, if you want. I have an aunt who has a house boat there, she tells me but I don't believe her. It's just a few more exits down. I tell her to pull over, I have to take a piss but she's ready with the empty gatorade bottle telling me, here, use this. It's too late to lie and tell her I have to shit too, she'll know, so I just grab the bottle and tell her thanks, trying to think of any other excuse I can to get her to pull the car over but I don't have anything and so I sit back, wish I wasn't out of bourbon in the backseat of my Jeep in the middle of the night in the woods of Tennessee going somewhere, way too fast, where I definitely don't want to be.

Sit down everyone. It turns out, apparently, that Mephedrone and Methylene are not plant feeder!!. I did tell you to sit down.
Apparently they are similar to cocaine and MDMA. These two drugs being very similar. In a blind test you can't tell the difference.
I wonder if one day people who make up the rules will actually know something about drugs?
Discuss