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I had written up this large screed put was thwarted when the site went offline JUST AS I FINISHED. I'm a walking jinx. Anyhoo, I copied and printed it so now I shall dictate my words from 12:00 pm today EST, more or less.

Thanks guys for the kind words;

"The expansion of intellect and .... to be completed tomorrow I've not slept in 2 days and it finally caught up whit me. Selah,







My eys are getting weary to be continued.

Wednesday.


Okay, here I'll bring it back from the lifeless atrophied pages of my notebook:

Thanks guys for the thoughtful sentiments shone upon me, it's this enigmatic place and you friends of mine that do so much for me, it's unreal and you'd doubt the sanctity of my resolve if you weren't privy to my inner most intellectual perceptions, and my innermost passionate humility.

A treatise on bluelight through my own perception, if you will:

Firstly, the effect on the populous (our people, not those others) with the expansion of intellect and critical thought, the unconditional moral and frenetic support and altruistic and pure loving concern bequeathed so gracious an tactfully, that gorgeous and sacred sense of communal intellectualism (or day I say, "intellectual communism?" I'll be downright fucked and and broken before I heed effort towards yellow journalism and their consistently deliberate perversion of our fucking language) that gives rise to the steadfast resolve necessary to combat the devastating and clearly dominant culture we all suffered through via just being born into the strange fuck of a thing. It's a king hell bastard of a community and if were I to have any hope left in me I'd hope and only hope that that the downtrodden will someday realize how much their being fucked and fucked good, penetrated through their minds and inevitably their wallets, and can ban together with the current figure of 13 percent of U.S. citizens who form their ideas based on logic, reason, and the questioning of information fed to them since adolescence.

Perhaps I do have that one pitiful lingering dream left, the dream I hate so much because its gross unlikelihood, but yearn for so much it became an obsession at one point. I can't tell which position is better, but regardless. Ill share the dream with you and only you, and never again because It's something I seldom have interest in anymore than unicorns, santa claus or the 3 little pigs. The beautiful capture of that image, fresh in my mind after two rums packed adequately with ice, a nation built on these principles of which I allude to, of partnership and love and communal ownership of all of our mother we've so far raped backwards and desecrated on a shallow and filthy whim. This beautiful place will be very similar to the utopian Island portrayed in Aldous Huxley's last novel of that same namesake.

Whatever the case, what matters is the paradigm and the possibilities inherent within it, and I'm delighted beyond repose to announce I'll be taking a long excursion in the form of a Kerouac style road trip across this "great" country of ours, fleeing like a parachute failed to meet as many of you as resources and time permits, as well as to explore the shit hole of a country and document every little cunt of a second. Don't worry, I'll have plenty of mescaline to help us beat the drums and hit the town as sincerely and insanely as the very chute that just failed us, finally coming to terms and deciding that a parachutes life isn't for him. Nothings worth it in so desperate a social spot, and deciding it just wasn't worth it any more is a reasonable gig in my books, especially as of late.

I'm sure many can sense this new found limitless resolve I'm utilizing and there are a few reasons for this. One being suddenly and without reason summarily dismissed from my place of business by a pack of imbecilic greed-mongers and progress junkies, with no brains and the morals of a slut on acid, doing so under the grossest of terms ("You're fired you old fuck get your piles outta' here). Extortion and bribery are wonderful ways to fire some fuck who you decided you didn't like, (I'm guessing bigotry but lord knows why), lying shamelessly about money supposedly missing from drops I had made (I never lose money, ever.) and using the extortionist method of threatening to call the fucking heat on me so I have the privilege of arguing against people who are certainly not on my side and sadistically so, have no problem stripping me of the last freedom I own, the ability to walk around peacefully and not bother anyone. The other option given, the one they needed so badly as to threaten me with being shackled and beaten and denied of any human rights I supposedly have, all 2 weeks before I would have qualified for unemployment. This is your culture America, read it and wheep, but while you're balling your eyes out of existence, remember that it's yours. Adlay stevenson once said that in a democracy, people get hte kind of government they deserve, and I'm leaning more towards agreeing with that sentiment than ever before. I had a premonition that morning and knew everything that transpired 4 ours earlier already. I also had my faithful voice recorder application in my phone so I've the whole thing on tape. Those filthy beasts will find their way into a book of mine someday, and I'll be even generous enough to not charge for the copies I send. Well, enough of this rancid gibberish.

All tangents aside, thanks for the complimentary remarks guys. Each soft touch roots its loving warm through my to my heart. I certainly love you all and not just because I have to, but because you're truly deserving of it in the highest order.

Watch out where the huskies go.

Thou

She tasted good, real good. I could have had her on the stairs. I went to bite her neck (softly at first) and she resisted. Clear sign of a woman who is NOT disturbed enough for my sexual preference. Regardless, she was a fantastic kisser. I am not one to hold myself to the highest moral standards, but please, why get flustered when you can’t give me an erection when you’re attempting to do so standing on the staircase of a busy nightclub? I can talk woody down pretty easily when I need to. God I needed that pussy though. I suppose the intense ten minute French kiss fest delivered some much needed sexual gratification. “You gotta work for it,” is what she said. Gotta thank her for that advice, it’s damn true in many ways.

Rebecca was her name. Good fucking god man, a bottom to die for. Probably not the most intelligent, or self-respecting girl (on an internet network with 400+ followers she has a picture of her beautiful apple derriere seductively shrouded in dripping wet black underwear.) If I lived alone I have no doubt we would have had sex, however bringing home a twenty-five year old I had met twenty minutes before to fuck in my room with my parents next door – then introducing her the next morning to them… is something I knew wouldn’t happen, something I couldn’t face, not yet. So I lied, said I had work the next day. Maybe she knew I was lying, I don’t know. The taste of her lips and tongue on mine was amazing though.

good god, if it was you, thank you for showing me I am still alive and capable of pulling women!

When I was a kid summer vacation felt like paradise forever each time it was a week away from approaching. Hell as a kid 10 years and under, a fricken hour seemed like a long, slow eternal death sentence each time I was punished for rough housing and pissing off one adult authority or another, & experiencing this feeling of extreme dread the couple times I was handed down this "death sentence" hearing, "TJ! WHILE THE REST OF THE CLASS DOES ARTS & CRAFTS, YOU ARE TO STAND IN THE CORNER FOR 1 HR. DO NOT FACE ANYWHERE BUT THE CORNER, YOU MAY NOT LEAVE, YOU MAY NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE STARTING NOW. IF YOU TALK, TURN AROUND, OR LOOK ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THE CORNER, I WILL WRITE A PROGRESS LETTER THAT MUST BE TAKEN HOME, RETURNED TOMORROW WITH YOUR PARENT'S SIGNATURES!"

First grade at Sierra Vista Elementary School in 1971. My teacher's name was Mrs. Potts. Like all Tarantinos, courtesy of Tony the pony, and I say that phrase without bitterness whatsoever, merely an expression of my wrapped, twisted sense of humour Tony, no doubt would interpret as disrespectful and offensive---if he were still talking, emailing, or having any sort of "relationship" with his biological daughter, yours truly, which hasn't been the case since 1998, I believe. The last communication I can recall at this time had been via phone call---the day I'd officially been given the boot by the 4 women, a fellowette coworker who had also been a live in employee for some 10 odd years in a detatched room off the house. Then there were these 2 old, 80 something year old lady sisters, 1 tolerable, the other incontinent & dependent on whoever had been her assigned (limey-dego) nigger of the week for diaper change, mobility, or whatever was needed in the middle of the night---and day.

Perhaps you might be suspecting who this aryan-whop piss girl slave is? If you guessed Madonna or Rosanne Arnold, you're close, except Rosanne is thinner than I am and Madonna is way more shy and materialistic than the wild woman they had had for 4 whole days! (Probably the record breaking quickest sap to get the boot) Give up? Ha ha. Brace yourself for a shock, dear blog reader of "TweaxStay" aka TJ---that "aid" had been booted from even white slavery gig I had goin on for an entire 4 daze & nights, & yes, although they knew something had been off about yours truly--guilty as hell on that count, I admit. Showing up at 7pm TST my first day (TST=Tweaker Standard Time) at what should have been 10am + the fact I had seen nothing wrong with wearing a sari, a genuine dress, head covering from India given to me by a lady from India, which my Mom later told me had scared the old ladies LMAO.

Gotta laugh at my stupid ass mistakes. Back then I thought as long as I don't show up dressed like a slut or donning trampware, fully covered, which I was then what possible objection or problem could anyone have with that? Tweaker logic may be tolerated by my then tweaker friends/community, however it didn't quite sink in back then that those that are not on planet TweaxStay don't remotely see eye to eye as rules on grounded Normiville, are outright bizarre at best and no doubt a serious nut case at worst. These behaviors of the Meth Head Zone and it's peculiar insanities or if rich eccentricities, were what would one day get me flagged by those in the cop culture as a dope fiend at age 41 and busted.

I digressed completely, a common occurance when on painkillers, just enough for a pleasant buzz, lol. I had been totally at fault and realized what an idiot I had been not to see that not conforming enough to blend when stepping outside my chemically induced jail, my preference over the outside & had I the means to not have to leave, I wouldn't. I'd just stay chemically happy inside as much as possible & content to be limited to no more than a half a teener a week of tweak and the 120 pain pills a month I get and have been satisfied with. Anyway, my fault big time for alot of that 4 days--but also not 100% guilty, in they were very selfish, demanding, boring old bitches, which is why no doubt my coworker had told me I had been replacement #10 since the prior live in that had lasted a few years but going to RN school. I had made a long distance phone call to Tony my last day, spoke to him on the phone 2 hours and he asked if I was going to get in trouble for talking so long. "What are they going to do," I asked, "fire me?" He chuckled. "I see your point."

It's funny to go on a forum and see children telling their peers to go try bath salts "because they're cheap" all the while probably thinking that they're actually bath salts and sneaking into mommy's bathroom and snorting a handful of epsom salts. Actually it's not funny, it's horrible. Shithead little kids like that that aren't controlled on the internet are the reason you see teenagers dying from things every once in a while. It's not cool.

like the feeling of dread as an already dull and jagged needle briefly scrapes against a spoon as you're trying to push around a tiny wad of cotton all across the metal surface in an attempt to collect every last bit of moisture

LOL at dickheads on yahoo answers, agreed. Water deprivation I understand will bring on hallucinations
just like fasting, although I dont remember ever going without water more than 24hrs & although thirsty
did not reach an altered state. I tried drug free mmeditation during the 2yrs I was completely drug an al-
cohol free & failed miserably at being able to accomplish the ability to eradicate ALL thoughts from my damn
non-stop thinking brain, BUT the closest thing I did manage by accident some 30 yrs ago was going into a hypnotic
trance sitting in the very small but cozy waiting room of my psychologist. It was dark, I was alone in the waiting room
and didnt turn on the light because I became focused on the mini Xmas tree with its rapid blinking multicolored
lights--just gazing and fixated on the lights to the point where I was in a trance--and without the aid of drugs. It wasnt
planned so probably why I was able to be so relaxed. Thats something I wanna try again.

But I think I am going to use them to help me get my life under control instead of rambling on in TDS.
So Tonight, to do: clean room, shower, brush teeth, etc.
(tomorrow) Monday: figure out how to get to the mall from new place, buy alarm clock and wall planner thing-a-ma-bob plus "to-do" list stationary.
Tuesday: get ready for work, go to work.
And that's enough for now, I should be able to manage with that.

I think I want to get clean.

Not completely clean, of course, but I want to not be physically dependent on opioids any more.

I'm looking for a job like a maniac. I feel like once I have a job, I can limit my use to once a week or perhaps less. I don't know. My brain is ridiculously fried right now... I can't think straight. Maybe it's because it's so hot here so early in the season... 90 degrees in NYC in May?! Hell no! I don't even feel like posting this because there isn't any fucking actual content...

Sigh. So I wait, wait and wait some more. Biding my time. What do I do? I'm probably a lost cause...

It is truly insane how much opiates kill your senses. Colors are so much more... colorful. I can't describe it. I'm sitting in my backyard right now, which is huge and has a bunch of different plants and flowers and such, and the colors are so vibrant and overwhelming that it's almost hard to look at... but in a good way. It's like, devastatingly beautiful.

It's just too bad that feeling emotions again can't be as beautiful. Hah. I swear, if I were to see a psychologist right now I would be diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder immediately. My emotions go from one extreme to the other all day. One minute I'm all like, "oh life is so beautiful and amazing and I have a great future ahead of me because I'm sober", and the next I'm like "oh woe is me, I will never be able to dig myself out of the mess I put myself in, I might as well go out and use since I hate my life anyways."

It's a bit hard to keep up with.

I'm still feeling some symptoms of withdrawal as well, but I'm accrediting that to the Subutex/Suboxone they had me on in detox and rehab. It's not unbearable, aside from the anxiety part. Just slight cold sweats and chills.

It does get a little bit better everyday though. I have a good, sober support system to lean on. I have tons of shit I can do that I was putting off while I was getting high. And of course, there's always finding a new job and going back to school, things that were impossible while on H.

But hey, it looks like I'm going to make it out alive this time...

hello,this is kind of long but bare with me if you have plans, or just want to know what to expect staying in a homeless shelter., i figure that since i have alot of experience in sleeping in these places and surviving then i could give some experience, strength and hope.
just know that your not alone in what ever your dealing with if you have to go to a shelter, 99.9% of the people that are staying there are just like you in a way, down on their luck/hope w,e u want to call it and need a place to shower and sleep.
I've stayed in a number of homeless shelters across the state, and they are all the same except for one thing, they are either a 'faith based' type place or not. places that are 'faith based' usually have the word 'mission' somewhere in the name, and places that arn't usually are just shelters (the shelters have ties with AA,CA, and NA). Mostly everyone that stays there is either on drugs, have had drugs, looking for drugs, selling drugs, etc.etc. so theres alot of druggies there. Mostly crack because about 75% of the people that stay there are black, the other %'s are white, and some other races. I cant compare it to prison because i've never been, and the times i've gone to jail was just over night in the drunk tank.
usually check in times at those places is anywhere from 3pm-5:30pm, and i really recommend that you be hanging around the corner at 2:45 so at 3 you can mosey your way there. some places are different then others, like the salvation army has a limited # of beds, while the missions here in town have tons n tons of matts that u can sleep in the floor. If you happen to get a bed then thats good, but regardless if you get a matt then your still going to lay somewhere sopmewhat soft that night.
don't let them know that you are on any medication or have a cellphone because they will take that shit, so just act like you dont have but the bag ur holding in your hand. I highly suggest that you atleast have the basic toliteries in a bag, but if not the shelters will provide shampoo and soap etc. its no herbal essince but its something to clean ur hair/wash with. Also if your penis shy i reccomend that you either try to take ur draws off, or just wash ur hair n the sink or something. someplaces have single showers while others have like one huge shower area with 12+ shower heads, shower shoes are helpful, but if not then fuck it.
after you shower, and give ur towel to the staff and they know u showerd then they will give u a meal ticket, or just tell u to go line up for dinner. the food isnt the best, but its a hot meal atleast, the mission that ive been staying at had mashd potatoes and country fried chicken? or patty? for dinner, and chicken,rice,and gravy for breakfast.
your not staying there for the food, so try not to worry about it, hell some days like holidays, ull eat pretty good because people donate food, like since today is being memorial day they said that ther would be bbq and stuff for dinner. so im actully pretty excited about that.
if your able to i suggest that you grab some ear plugs, and some kind of sleep medication, weather its benedryl or trazadone or w,e that will help u get to sleep better, since crack is huge here, and most of the people that been smoking the shit since the 80's have problems snooring lol wonder y? theres alot of snooring, and farting, and people talking. but like around 12am or so everyone shuts up before they get the enitre dorm on their ass.
now while ur there try to do something active like bring a book to read, or something to keep your mind away from the shelter, like me ive been reading the second hunger games book. and its damn good, im glad that it pulls me away from having to deal with shelter life. if you have some drugs then take them, and dont let anyone there see you. i dont reccommend shooting up at those places just because if you get caught or something were to happen then not only youd be asked to leave, but the police might show up, or even worse someone might steal ur wallet.
o forgot to mention that alot of places do require u to provide them with a ID of somesort, like drivers ID,non-drivers,Military ID, just like u were going to cash a check. and a SS#, i never give my real SS#, so u dont have to worry, just remember that # so if u stay there the next night then they wont be like 'so u got 2 ss#"S, for example i use all of my real SS # up till the last 2 digits.
You might meet some cool people there, or u might meet someone thats trying to take advantage of u, so stay on ur p's n q's while ur there, if you arnt trying to get into their drug/rehab program then they make u leave after breakfast which is like 7am, o lights out is at 10:30pm, and they wake u up at 5:30am,. here lately ive been having to sleep in a hallway with the lights on, so it sucks getting to sleep. i do have some trazadone that does knock my ass out, but wakes me up feeling druggy, hate that shit.
so most shelters have a period of time that they allow you to stay there, like some only let you stay a week, while another might let you stay for 2 weeks, and some others only for a few days before they want you to get into their program(which can last anywhere from 28 days up to a year), some of their programs are good, gives you a place to stay, but your not able to work or do anything(like leave freely) until late down the road.
also if you have any money, keep that shit close, dont leave any valuable just sitting on ur bed, like wallet,or jewlry. but its okay for somestuff like a bag of cloths or something.
theres alot of women only shelters so if ur a guy look for a guy shelter or a co op shelter, because they wont let a dude stay witha bunch of girls.
like i said, your there because you need a place like that, your not trying to hook up with the 'cool guys' there, just use it as a place to stay from dinner-breakfast, and use the rest of the day out doing shit.
thats really all i know about staying in shelters, if i know of something extra i'll add to it later.
goodluck where ever you are, and if you have to stay at a shelter, know that the shit isnt' forever.
ds

well past few days ive been busy with work, but sucks not having a place to go home and shower after baking in the hot sun doing landscape work,which that was a temp job anyway. its something that i think about all the time, no matter what im doing. atleast i bought some baby wipes to wipe myself down face to toe. its better then nothing right? i'm not trying to be like a dirty homeless person.
yesterday u went and bought some rosery beads/prayer beads, just to use them and pray.sunday i plan on going to get them blessed by a cathloic priest, just so i can feel somewhat better spirtualy.
I've got some nasty bubbles on the bottom of my right foot, i dont think its just athleates feet, its more like posion ivy type rash, but without the itchyness, they bother me when i'm on my feet alot, and really hope that it isn't MRSA. been keeping my feet clean using baby wipes and if im in a bathroom with a lock on the door, ill wash em with soap n water n usea paper towl to dry because haviing dirty feet makes me feel weird.
so last night i went and bought a tent at wallmart thinking that id be able to camp out at this park/trail i used to camp at when i was a kid, hell the place is less then a mile from my mothers house, so i assembled the tent and put it up next to my car (i woulda gone deep in the woods but had no flash light). that was around 2am? so at 5am a cop came shining his light in my tent, and im sure he looked around in my car, theres nothing bad in it (like empty beers, and stuff like that). so he woke me up and asked me what i was doing, since the addy on my ID is for an addy jus right down the street i told him that its been a busy week and felt like getting out of the house for the night and camp. luckly for me he wasn't a total dick to me, (i have a volunteer firefighter sticker on my back windsheld)so we talked about that for a minute, and before all this he ran my tag and my name and saw i was clean(have no charges), so that was good beacause almost 2 years ago i got an outa jail arrest thing for loittering in a drug controlled area. im glad it got cleared because i never did anything about it besides court and rehab.
so after i left the park,i drove over to mc donalds and parked my car n took a little nap, then the sun came out and drove to another park and parked in the shade to get a nap in, well i guess it was like not even 11am and i decided to use what money i had and get a cheapass motel room in crack city here in town, $35 a night and its what i had in my pocket, so i booked a room, and showerd n took a snooze.
i really hate fucking living in my car, its getting harder and harder to do this shit clean, i really want to use and shoot some dope. i know if i do that then atleast id' be high and able to deal with whatever, its like im trying to convince myself that i have the best reason to get high, and shit who wouldnt want to get high if ur homeless like me, and have all these problems going on in my life. ive been thinking more and more about saving up some $ and buying a gram of heroin and just do it all or as much as i can without the rig getting stuck, and just go to sleep and not have to wake up in my fucking car, yes im thinking suicidal.. i havnt talked to my mom in some time, neither anyone else in my family. no one for real sept people here on bl, ive layed here and thought of o how happy my step father would be if i were fucking gone, i already know he'd play the sadness part then fuck my mom that night.
i always wonder who would come to my funeral when im gone and sofar i can name enough people that fit on one hand (5). sorta pathetic but dont really have any friends,most of them have alreadt OD'd,and the ones that havnt are in prison. woopty doo if i die, not like the world will miss a used up junky. the more i think about it the more i think about doing it. i really have no regrets in life because when i do think of something it makes me feel like shit, and guilty as fuck. i cant really say if its ever going to get better because so far nothing has been going the way id like them to.
like the job thing at a steel plant that susposdely i was going to get, i called up there friday and asked the forman there if he's gone over my job app, and he said that he hadnt even looked at it. one of my friends that works there said that i was going to get hired, but that was full of shit, how can some1 say that they are going to hire me but havnt even checked my shit.
so by the looks of things, it doesnt look like things will ever get better, i keep thinking about saying fuck this shit and die. atleast id be able to finally lay in a posistion with my legs stretched out instead of being in the fetal posistion. yea not sleeping but maybe 8 hours in the past 5 days isn't good. making me fucking crazy,and having to work 8-10 hour days and not sleeping and going back the next morning is already killing me, so tired of this shit.
dont mean to sound so deppresing there at the end, but its true. i really hate the shit im going through and without having family support it makes shit real hard. i can understand my family not trusting me with $, but it would be nice to get some food to eat,and gas in my car to go look for work and stuff like that,i was told by a friend that talked to my mom said that they are trying a different tatic in helping me i'm glad its working for them, but with me eh its making me even more deppresed and thinking more about suicide is the answer.,also i'm all the way down to 145lbs (i went to give plasma and found out i lost alot of weight) used to weigh 175lb, not anymore. also my pulse rate was way high to be giving plasma, so there went that shit. im signing off now, cant say what or where i'll be tommmorw but really dont care, thanks for being friends with me on bl, im outies,pce

hello folks, well if uve been keepin up with my life story in progress,shit hasnt been going as acording 2 plan. i'm still clean and sober, by only willpower, and the thought of having to take a drugtest for a damn good job that im trying to get.
last night really sucked because i had no where to sleep, so heres what i did.
started of going to an apartment complex, was like 12am, kicked my chair back, couldnt sleep so i hit up the waflle house n got some coffee and a waffle, and talked with a nice lady employee, she told me about her past troubles with drugs, and how she did some time n prison, after that i went to a lake near my moms house and tried to sleep again, no luck.. so went to a trail to sleep and maybe got 1-2hrs of sleep.this hasnt been the greatest day for me sofar. i did talk with my sponsor this morning and he gave me some more hope about getn thru this stage of my life, and how this will soon all be over. i sure fucking hope so because im getn tired of not sleeping well. still waiting on the job status at a huge steel plant here in town (and they require a clean drug test to work there) i already had the interview, and the guy susposedly said that he was going to hire me,he said in 2 weeks tho, and that was like last week, so the longer i wait, the longer i stay clean and the more positive ill be in the longrun.
also today i went to my old sober recovery place, and sorta wore my welcome out when the main dudes were there, the staff that was there was really happy to hear from me, but the head hauncho wasnt so happy. because i left my old halfway place so fast that i didnt clean anything up. so yea they were pissed at me about that, but ya kno wat? fuck em, i dont need any negative shit going on in my life atm, because im passed that shit now.
anyways, just got off the phone with someone at a college here in town where i took underground coal mining classes, so the lady is going to send me several job apps, and will get that shit rolling!!
im alive, and fucking godadmn happy to say im ok with where my life is at the moment because someday ill be able to look back at this shit and laugh, and help someone else thats going thru the exact same shit.

Hey,
Today is a new day, feeling pretty optimistic about what's been going on here lately. Was able to help a good friend of mine with abunch of my old cloths because he went to jail n his landlord gave all of his shit away,so my friend had only what he was wearing last night when he got outa jail. I felt bad because i've been in the same exact boat (but without any pants and 200 miles from home), so i hooked him up with some jeans,socks,tshirts,undies,and a hoody. Thats what it's about, helping him brought me outa self and was able to help a fellow brother. I left the meeting place with a smile on my face, and considering whats been going on, i could really care less. today i have some work to do so i'll make it short, going to call a few places about a job, and if that doesnt work out im not gonna let it bust my stride, i starting believe in "god things", for example, the whole roofing thing didnt work out, so it wasn't ment to be, I'm keeping all of the negative shit out, and just keeping the good vibes in.
cant say whats going to happen later, but jft i dont have to use to feel good, i know this by experience. I'm going on 2ish weeks clean, have to go a minute at a time sometimes, and a day at a time. using dope didnt even cross my mind yesterday, and nor will it today, im better then that shit.

hey,just a check in, got a job yesterday from a homegirl of mine, her brother has a construction bussiness, and said he needed some honest hard (drug free) workers, and i seemed to fit the job description! the work sucked for my first day(yesterday), pretty much i laid felt (the black shit) and hammerd some shingles up, oh and i didnt kno felt was made from fiber glass so my skins still burning, and the bundles of shingles weigh 150+lbs, so after hauling about 25 of those fucking things up a ladder things kinda suck before long :/, but ..its a fucking job amirite? until something better opens up for me down the road.
also i was able to stay here at my sisters place just for tonight (ithink), i hate putting her and her financea' in a posistion about me, because at the moment i have no home.. and i really do not like sleeping in homeless shelters/missions, because they suck. i once had a pride issue with that, but not anymore lol, funny how shit changes.. shes happy that i ahve a job, and working so things are starting to look up for me, still waiting on a few callbacks from some other jobs that ive put in, got 1 call back from a yard fertilizer company, and mite give them a ring or something. but have no mins for my phone.. but get paid every friday, and make about $100 a day, work 10hrs, so the work sucks, but im happy that im doing shit with my time now instead of sitting around at the libary till it closes (from 9am-8pm) .
anyways, cant say where ill end up tonight, but least i have a halfa tank of gas to ride until friday when i get paid, i could really use that $ to get a celly, and hell mayb one of those rent by the week typea cheapass hotels,. anyways still clean, havnt put in, but had afew triggers yesterday, but they went away as time passed. anyways i love you all as my family (those that care), and will try to make this a daily type of thingy. holla later,
pce
ds

My eyes snapped open at 7:45am today. I was never a morning person, and I still ain’t one. Early morning classes strewn slipshod through my weekly schedule has me realizing a new routine. Engineering starts early, goes til late, and the so-called professors find ways to mentally fuck the student body with diagrams that might well have been drawn by Escher himself, on top of assignments that simply cannot be completed for those of us who lack the ability to spontaneously manifest time.

I’ve been feeling bummed lately. I made the choice to come back to school and I decided on what I would study to propel me to a lofty career that would give me the self-respect I truly crave. Even still, flames of doubt lick at the back of my mind. There’s a fire burning back there, and I can’t see it in there but my mind feels smoked and exhausted enough that I know it’s there; consuming my hopes and dreams for fuel.

I miss work. Work was easy. I was treated with respect, paid for my time, and there was a comfy chair to sit in. Hell, I didn’t even have to wake up early. I’d show up around noon, after having the time in the morning to sleep in a bit and have a cup of joe I could savour. Then I’d fill a seat for the next 10 hours, walk 20 paces down the street to the local watering hole, drink with coworkers until we were too loud to contain then spill out into the parking lot to laugh and smoke and act like we shed a few years and were still just kids with life waiting for us.

Years later, it still feels like my life is waiting for me. With each month that passes, I get more and more attuned to the reality of that fact. Time passes and my fuck-ups seem to magnify while my successes seem too ancient to recount. It’s time for new successes, but how can I get at the challenges that are truly rewarding if I first must struggle through years more of school to get where I want?

I’m in limbo; too old to be at school on borrowed money, but too young to have a life established I can fall back on. My future is not here; not in this city, not in this country, not even on this continent. I know that because I’ve never felt like this is home. Home is where the heart is, they say, well my heart lies somewhere beyond the setting sun and I can hop on a plane and just go but I know I’ll never fit in or succeed there without this slip of fucking paper certifying that I know something because an eclectic panel of people raking in 100G+ annually have taken enough out of my wallet to agree to that. And so, my life is on hold until the day comes that I do get granted that paper worth more than gold.

Well, I suppose I’ll drink some wine now and peruse BL with subdued curiosity while I attempt to think my way out of my predicament, and into a life worth living.

Fuck my neighbour and his shitty, aggressive dogs.

I just snapped and submitted a complaint to Environmental Services (at 02:00 AM) about his lunatic dogs.

I've had enough. 18 months of patience is now threadbare.

If it takes a noise abatement order and some bad blood, then so be it.

Is there ever a point where discrimination might be fairly executed, when the receiver has made an ass of herself enough to warrant the need to be picked on relentlessly?

Is it always our actions that lead us to be discriminated? Is it the actions of others like us?

Is there such a thing as fair discrimination?

We talk about "oh that's what you get." It's like me, or you, or anyone else "deserves" the type of treatment we receive.

yea, so last night nsted of sleepn n my car i went to a shelter,. ive been there before on a xanax blackout, so thistime being sober thru that shit amazes me. oh yes, still sober. shit aint got no $, but have a dream to get $ someday,. shits sucks. ive been thinkkn bout the pursuit of happiness with willsmith, the shit he goes thru. gives me a ll hope, whats really keepin me clean is the thought of havin to take a piss test soon for a damn good job, i kno i got the job, jus waitin on the call. but for now, shits gonna fuckin suck, gonna live homeless fora while, but not gonna let it fuck my stride up. NOPE. im better then that, shit im here at the mc donalds parkin lot usin ther free wifi bcus i kno shits free, n i can sit out n my car. eh other then that shits been good, everyone at the homeless shelter, its a mission so its all about god, and etc.. and thats good n all, i could use some spirtuality, shit suckd tho, slept in a hallway with the lights on, but had one of my remeron sleepin pills so it sorta helpd, but other then that..they wokee everyone up like a quarter till 6am, we ate chickn n rice for breakfast, aint that some shit.. anyways mite end up goin back there tonite, jus a place to go, then hopefully i can start work tommoro and get on with lifes curve balls. since im runnin low on gas im really limited n where i can n cant go. but im still at a quarter tank so a lil ridin gas, nothn good. but better then none.. not sure howlong that will last tho.. :/
my head is held high, n not gonna let this fuckn discourage me to much, ive been down this road before n it sucks, here i am for another day, o and $3 richer then before.. so thats a galon of gas here,.. anyways ill upate later if i can, pce

I am trying to stay calm, but I just found out yesterday that she is pregnant. She is going to the doctor tomorrow. I tried to put her on birth control but she would swear to me that she wasn't having sex. That was 2 months ago. So WTF. Why would she throw her life away? Has she learned anything from my life? I wanted so much for her. Now she is going to struggle and that there is nothing I can do about it. All I wanted was the best for her, and now all can I do is be supportive? I am just so dissappointed. Things were going so well lately.
I am afraid the man I love is growing distant from things going on with everything, but then again he says he isn't so I will trust him. I can't wait to see him. I could use a good cuddle.
I really want things to work out with everything because I am ready to move forward and have love and a good relationship with my boyfriend. He is my everything, besides my kids. I want my oldest to have a good life because she is all I have from my first husband that passed, plus she is always going to be my baby. I just never seen her as having a baby.
Any advice would be appeciated.
Thanks, Stella

To me, a "normal" is somebody that doesn't use drugs and doesn't understand the culture and lifestyle of drug use. I've found so many to be close-minded and ignorant of the fact that a user is still a human being. I find that a lot of them have major superiority complexes and think that they're better for whatever reason.

Hanging around normals for me is so damn weird. They just simply don't understand what it's like to "live the life" associated with hardcore drug use. They think that smoking pot or doing the occasional Percocet makes them expert drug users. I remember somehow getting myself involved with the fundamentalist Christians who all talked about when they "lost their way" and "went bad" and drank, did drugs and God forbid SMOKED CIGARETTES. They pissed me off to no end because they were just so clueless. When I told them my story about what hard drug use is really like and the people that you meet and associate with in that life, they were terrified. They would ask stupid questions like "What's it like to be around someone carrying a gun?" my response: "Pretty normal, actually. Just don't piss em off". These fundies never knew what "going bad" was really like. I'm 2 years clean now and I still have SO much trouble associating with people that don't use or at least don't use heavy. It's just that I can't adapt to their mindsets. In a way, I really liked living on the edge, but unfortunately, that had to stop. Oh and another thing, these fundamentalists talked about hitting rock bottom. I had to fight hard not to laugh at what their idea of rock bottom was. They thought that rock bottom was drinking every weekend and occasionally smoking pot and taking E..... Anyone that's used hard knows what rock bottom is really like, and it's not something we go around telling stories about in fundamentalist church social groups, IMHO.

I finished my first Master's degree immediately after getting clean. How I pulled off doing most of it with a needle constantly in my arm is beyond me (I avoided the other grad students and hung around with my user crew). I'm going back for a second Master's, this time with a completely clean and sober head, and you know what? You'd think I'd be excited and full of hope, but I'm terrified. I may be clean, but it's the thought of just not knowing how to fully fit in with normal graduate students and adjust to the stress of a rigorous program without running to the pill bottle. Sure I'm on a bupe program and get piss tested weekly and everyone says that "It's been 2 years now, you should have willpower", but still, I'm scared shitless. I know who I can count on for support and I live by the "People, Places, Things" principle in recovery, but I'm just so clueless as to how to act around normals. I'm not saying I'm socially inept, it's just that I spent 10+ years of my life with users, so I know what makes users tick and I have a very specific idea of what a good time is to me. I can't size up normals as well and I don't know what they think is a good time, nor do I think I'd have fun with it at first. This is going to be the true test of my commitment to sobriety. It's just scary shit man. The irony is that I wasn't afraid to hang around with users and all sorts of sketchy and dangerous people, but I'm afraid to hang around with harmless grad students not out of fear for my safety, but out fear of rejection. I’ve found that recovery can make you really afraid to hang out with new people and equally afraid to hang out with your old buddies. Recovery sure can be lonely at times...

hey, er been a few days since i blogged. im here at the local public libaray so able to get on my laptop n fuck around on the internet until my dr.apt at 1:30ish, anyways last night was a first of me sleeping at a tuckstop here in uptown bham', shits nothing like camping. wokeup 2342 times, sweating,sticky, nervous, but CLEAN! wtf right? shit didn't even cross my mind to use... i mean i do have some 2cb, but fuck that shit when ur homeless having to sleep n ur car, ill jus save that until im better off, and with a tripping buddy..
i wont go into much detal because most of people know the outcomes, i was discharged from my IOP drug classes because i took a day off running around going to job interviews, so my counsler gave me some shit about that, and not having some of my asignments done, its not like i havnt learnt that shit before, so they were paying for my bed at the halfway house hell i was at, and since i didnt have the $ to stay, they asked me to leave. i left early because i couldnt take it anymore there, last night it was like a dope shooting party, and knowing that i have a drugtest coming up that was enough will power for me to say NO damnit and leave, i just told my thieving ass roomates that i was going to the store and just bounced, had my shit packed anyway (was around 10pmish), so i really had no where to go, no gas $, riding on a quarter tank, but clean. since my family turned against me(tough love shit), i couldnt go to them for help because how they worded it 'im a grown man', havnt talked to them since mothers day, and that was using a homeless persons cellphone to txt my mother happy mothers day.
i'm living the movie pursuit of happiness, but least i dont have a kid with me, shit woulda been awful(plus theres no more room in my car because its loaded down with so much fucking shit. so until i can get some $ coming in, im pretty much limited in what i can and cant do(such as driving around). shit sucks yo, for real. living my old life style,but clean and sober.
i dunno what to do tonight, trying not to think that far ahead, atleast for now im safe and drinking free libary coffee.
until next time

Well i havnt really been keeping up with my blog because i'm always on the move it's like.
Alot of stuff have happened since last.
Im living in a kind of sober living type house, which its a step up from rehab and halfway house. This is like the next step for folks getting of rehab you can say. Less structerd and rules but still have the ultimate rule which is not use drugs or alcohol. Ive broken one of those rules. I used drugs. Got back on heroin when i broke up with my ex thing.and turnd to drugs to help with those emotions that i was dealing with..never delt with such fuckd up emotions before in soberity. I have now but got high. I stayed getting high.shooting heroin atleast 5 times daily if not more. Shit was turning back again into an addiction. Spending $100 a day on h. When i ran out and pissd of my middle man because i didnt give him any i ended up getting on methadone. Thought it was a good idea because i wouldnt feel sick from getting off the h. That was mayb a month ago i got on mmt. And have been doing good since being on it. Now its turnd on me.i feel that im getting hooked to the h, i havnt yet experienced extreme wd from not taking it besides the sweats. The thing is im living in an envioment that is drug free and i can be pisstested at any given time. Methadone wasnt part of the deal of me moving here in this 3 quarters house ill call it. So it shows up on drugtests.. so im having to keep a hotel mouthwash sized bottle tuckd in my pants just incase i get peed. Its got a yello solution in it thats clean..
anyways the past 2 weeks have been good in my life. Not really a care in the world. Ive been house sitting watching my mom and stepdads place while they are having a time of their life in Hawaii. So i was left to take care of the critters. It was like living in heaven there. Had internet.huge flatscreen awezome bed.and place to my damn self. Shit was great, ive been taking my methadone all this time and been clean besides that.now my folks r back in town and my controlling stepdad wants to controll and manipulate everything. Wanted me out, and i told him ill leace today sunday. Got sick lastnight to.im guessing that it is my methadone. Like really nauseated. So he trips that im always sick blahblah. He doesnt kno that ive gone out of my time to keep his place safe and feed the animals.
Moms been cool to me, she gave me some suivoners and some hawiaan sugarcane.which looks tastey to chew on. She helped me out with some money and filled up my tank which was forty bucks. Got a full tank n it feels good riden around now. And knowing i can spend more money on methadone. Mom n i parted ways n i went to wallmart to do some grochery shopping at wallmart. Got wat i needed and made the shitty drive back to reality at my shotgun house. So when i got here the roomate whom i fucking hate had thought he could lock me out. He thought wrong. Im an addict whos lived on the street.. i know how to get in a house. Anyways i was able to get in the house and my room. I set a trap on my door so when i went to my parents i could tell if anyones been in and out of my room. Which the trap showed that someone has been in my room.
I havnt seen my room mate face to face yet. Im not going to because i dont want to get upset. Tonight im looking up ideas and ways that people have turned their car into a mobile home. I drive a 4door toyota camery so its like a basic car. Going to try and make it into an rv if i can find any plans..
Well thats up to my life at this moment. Ill keep informing when shit comes up.
Ds

"I'm all for evolution and stagnation causes death. Evolution of practices and ideas is what will ultimately prove for a great deal of entertainment in the near future.

The sky is indeed the limit, and human drama is the ultimate unabashed full-on guns blazing chimpanzees with automatic weapons and baseball caps form of entertainment."





Amen Ra Maladroit.

I have been celibate for a few months and I am dying for a hug.

I had no idea how much being untouched would make me feel so damn lonely.

I miss sex. My husband can't so I'm committed to that, as part of the changes I need to make in my life.

I asked him for a hug when I got back from out of town but he's too tired or not into it or whatever. He hugged me in a half hearted way.

I want to hug a man the way I do when I'm cumming, holding him into me with the muscles in my arms straining to pull the man into my heart and lungs.

I want to throw my legs over a mans lap and be encircled by his arms. I want to put my head down on his shoulder and feel him tighten his hold on my whole upper half, pulling my head down into his chest.

I don't have the option of doing those hugs with my husband. It's not his fault, but his legs are fucked. I can't put pressure on his legs and he can't lay on them. Ok I understand all of that and we do what we can and it's ok.

He is totally anti masturbation. I do it occasionally but it has lost it's luster for me because I can't hug myself the way I want.

I'm not talking about holding someone for 10 minutes. I'm talking about that thing where you are done fucking and the afterglow washes in and there is an intense few moments of tightening your arms around that person, burying your face in his or her neck or hair, and letting the physical pressure say what you know you never could.

I enjoy sex. I enjoy orgasms. I enjoy all the stuff I just wrote about. Excuse me while I just feel straight up sorrow as my favorite parts of life fall away. I am 12 years younger than my husband, so maybe when I reach into my 60s I won't miss it anymore.

That's a long time. To me it will be a very lonely time. I know there's a lesson I have to learn through this, so I can handle it. It is hard for me, like trying to kick... when I want to feel like I'm part of someone else and we are both part of something bigger than both of us, it's a desire every bit as strong as any desire I ever felt for oxycontin.

I am miserably lonely in my body.

My heart is broken. It's FUCKING BROKEN. I don't know if anything will ever feel ok again.

I've been drunk and/or stoned or high since Thursday.

I HATE AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.

Love just hurts. I hate it. I HATE IT.