This is a new feeling for me.

I think I want to get clean.

Not completely clean, of course, but I want to not be physically dependent on opioids any more.

I'm looking for a job like a maniac. I feel like once I have a job, I can limit my use to once a week or perhaps less. I don't know. My brain is ridiculously fried right now... I can't think straight. Maybe it's because it's so hot here so early in the season... 90 degrees in NYC in May?! Hell no! I don't even feel like posting this because there isn't any fucking actual content...

Sigh. So I wait, wait and wait some more. Biding my time. What do I do? I'm probably a lost cause...

 

if you want to get clean, you can definitely do so. it will be hard, but where there's a will there's a way.

 

It's definitely going to be hard. I'm so afraid of w/ding, I psych myself out all the time.

But I've done it before. I've gone through horrible w/ds and came out the other side just fine. My habit is bad enough but not as bad as some other people's, but I have to stop comparing myself to other people. If I took 20mg of Vicodin everyday and that was causing me problems, it would be just as bad as doing 2 bundles of heroin a day. Right? Right? There's always this dicksizing that comes with rehab/NA/treatment... eating disorders, for example. If your BMI isn't 15 and you haven't lost your period and your hair, etc, you don't feel like you deserve treatment when there are people who are skinnier than you there... it's almost a competition to see who is the sickest... that, in and of itself, is sick.

The longest time clean I have has been 2 weeks in the past... like, what, 3 years? Pathetic. And those 2 weeks, I'd never been more depressed and suicidal... My brain is broken, I tells you, broken.

I don't know... Wanna hear some irony? I'm going to buy some acid tomorrow and then attend my first NA Meeting. (I'm not taking the acid however, heh, saving that for a later date. That would be way too fucked up to go to an NA Meeting on acid and I'd never be that disrespectful...)

 

you've definitely got some support here and in TDS to help you along the way. I totally understand the dicksizing thing too. Even when I was doing group therapy, the other girls would constantly be trying to see who had been hospitalized more or who self injured more. That's the only thing I didn't really like about the whole group setting.

check in here after your meeting and let us know how it went.

 

Oh, great... I seem to have gotten myself in the same predicament as last time. With my rent,

And I have no ace in the hole this time.