well past few days ive been busy with work, but sucks not having a place to go home and shower after baking in the hot sun doing landscape work,which that was a temp job anyway. its something that i think about all the time, no matter what im doing. atleast i bought some baby wipes to wipe myself down face to toe. its better then nothing right? i'm not trying to be like a dirty homeless person.
yesterday u went and bought some rosery beads/prayer beads, just to use them and pray.sunday i plan on going to get them blessed by a cathloic priest, just so i can feel somewhat better spirtualy.
I've got some nasty bubbles on the bottom of my right foot, i dont think its just athleates feet, its more like posion ivy type rash, but without the itchyness, they bother me when i'm on my feet alot, and really hope that it isn't MRSA. been keeping my feet clean using baby wipes and if im in a bathroom with a lock on the door, ill wash em with soap n water n usea paper towl to dry because haviing dirty feet makes me feel weird.
so last night i went and bought a tent at wallmart thinking that id be able to camp out at this park/trail i used to camp at when i was a kid, hell the place is less then a mile from my mothers house, so i assembled the tent and put it up next to my car (i woulda gone deep in the woods but had no flash light). that was around 2am? so at 5am a cop came shining his light in my tent, and im sure he looked around in my car, theres nothing bad in it (like empty beers, and stuff like that). so he woke me up and asked me what i was doing, since the addy on my ID is for an addy jus right down the street i told him that its been a busy week and felt like getting out of the house for the night and camp. luckly for me he wasn't a total dick to me, (i have a volunteer firefighter sticker on my back windsheld)so we talked about that for a minute, and before all this he ran my tag and my name and saw i was clean(have no charges), so that was good beacause almost 2 years ago i got an outa jail arrest thing for loittering in a drug controlled area. im glad it got cleared because i never did anything about it besides court and rehab.
so after i left the park,i drove over to mc donalds and parked my car n took a little nap, then the sun came out and drove to another park and parked in the shade to get a nap in, well i guess it was like not even 11am and i decided to use what money i had and get a cheapass motel room in crack city here in town, $35 a night and its what i had in my pocket, so i booked a room, and showerd n took a snooze.
i really hate fucking living in my car, its getting harder and harder to do this shit clean, i really want to use and shoot some dope. i know if i do that then atleast id' be high and able to deal with whatever, its like im trying to convince myself that i have the best reason to get high, and shit who wouldnt want to get high if ur homeless like me, and have all these problems going on in my life. ive been thinking more and more about saving up some $ and buying a gram of heroin and just do it all or as much as i can without the rig getting stuck, and just go to sleep and not have to wake up in my fucking car, yes im thinking suicidal.. i havnt talked to my mom in some time, neither anyone else in my family. no one for real sept people here on bl, ive layed here and thought of o how happy my step father would be if i were fucking gone, i already know he'd play the sadness part then fuck my mom that night.
i always wonder who would come to my funeral when im gone and sofar i can name enough people that fit on one hand (5). sorta pathetic but dont really have any friends,most of them have alreadt OD'd,and the ones that havnt are in prison. woopty doo if i die, not like the world will miss a used up junky. the more i think about it the more i think about doing it. i really have no regrets in life because when i do think of something it makes me feel like shit, and guilty as fuck. i cant really say if its ever going to get better because so far nothing has been going the way id like them to.
like the job thing at a steel plant that susposdely i was going to get, i called up there friday and asked the forman there if he's gone over my job app, and he said that he hadnt even looked at it. one of my friends that works there said that i was going to get hired, but that was full of shit, how can some1 say that they are going to hire me but havnt even checked my shit.
so by the looks of things, it doesnt look like things will ever get better, i keep thinking about saying fuck this shit and die. atleast id be able to finally lay in a posistion with my legs stretched out instead of being in the fetal posistion. yea not sleeping but maybe 8 hours in the past 5 days isn't good. making me fucking crazy,and having to work 8-10 hour days and not sleeping and going back the next morning is already killing me, so tired of this shit.
dont mean to sound so deppresing there at the end, but its true. i really hate the shit im going through and without having family support it makes shit real hard. i can understand my family not trusting me with $, but it would be nice to get some food to eat,and gas in my car to go look for work and stuff like that,i was told by a friend that talked to my mom said that they are trying a different tatic in helping me i'm glad its working for them, but with me eh its making me even more deppresed and thinking more about suicide is the answer.,also i'm all the way down to 145lbs (i went to give plasma and found out i lost alot of weight) used to weigh 175lb, not anymore. also my pulse rate was way high to be giving plasma, so there went that shit. im signing off now, cant say what or where i'll be tommmorw but really dont care, thanks for being friends with me on bl, im outies,pce
yesterday u went and bought some rosery beads/prayer beads, just to use them and pray.sunday i plan on going to get them blessed by a cathloic priest, just so i can feel somewhat better spirtualy.
I've got some nasty bubbles on the bottom of my right foot, i dont think its just athleates feet, its more like posion ivy type rash, but without the itchyness, they bother me when i'm on my feet alot, and really hope that it isn't MRSA. been keeping my feet clean using baby wipes and if im in a bathroom with a lock on the door, ill wash em with soap n water n usea paper towl to dry because haviing dirty feet makes me feel weird.
so last night i went and bought a tent at wallmart thinking that id be able to camp out at this park/trail i used to camp at when i was a kid, hell the place is less then a mile from my mothers house, so i assembled the tent and put it up next to my car (i woulda gone deep in the woods but had no flash light). that was around 2am? so at 5am a cop came shining his light in my tent, and im sure he looked around in my car, theres nothing bad in it (like empty beers, and stuff like that). so he woke me up and asked me what i was doing, since the addy on my ID is for an addy jus right down the street i told him that its been a busy week and felt like getting out of the house for the night and camp. luckly for me he wasn't a total dick to me, (i have a volunteer firefighter sticker on my back windsheld)so we talked about that for a minute, and before all this he ran my tag and my name and saw i was clean(have no charges), so that was good beacause almost 2 years ago i got an outa jail arrest thing for loittering in a drug controlled area. im glad it got cleared because i never did anything about it besides court and rehab.
so after i left the park,i drove over to mc donalds and parked my car n took a little nap, then the sun came out and drove to another park and parked in the shade to get a nap in, well i guess it was like not even 11am and i decided to use what money i had and get a cheapass motel room in crack city here in town, $35 a night and its what i had in my pocket, so i booked a room, and showerd n took a snooze.
i really hate fucking living in my car, its getting harder and harder to do this shit clean, i really want to use and shoot some dope. i know if i do that then atleast id' be high and able to deal with whatever, its like im trying to convince myself that i have the best reason to get high, and shit who wouldnt want to get high if ur homeless like me, and have all these problems going on in my life. ive been thinking more and more about saving up some $ and buying a gram of heroin and just do it all or as much as i can without the rig getting stuck, and just go to sleep and not have to wake up in my fucking car, yes im thinking suicidal.. i havnt talked to my mom in some time, neither anyone else in my family. no one for real sept people here on bl, ive layed here and thought of o how happy my step father would be if i were fucking gone, i already know he'd play the sadness part then fuck my mom that night.
i always wonder who would come to my funeral when im gone and sofar i can name enough people that fit on one hand (5). sorta pathetic but dont really have any friends,most of them have alreadt OD'd,and the ones that havnt are in prison. woopty doo if i die, not like the world will miss a used up junky. the more i think about it the more i think about doing it. i really have no regrets in life because when i do think of something it makes me feel like shit, and guilty as fuck. i cant really say if its ever going to get better because so far nothing has been going the way id like them to.
like the job thing at a steel plant that susposdely i was going to get, i called up there friday and asked the forman there if he's gone over my job app, and he said that he hadnt even looked at it. one of my friends that works there said that i was going to get hired, but that was full of shit, how can some1 say that they are going to hire me but havnt even checked my shit.
so by the looks of things, it doesnt look like things will ever get better, i keep thinking about saying fuck this shit and die. atleast id be able to finally lay in a posistion with my legs stretched out instead of being in the fetal posistion. yea not sleeping but maybe 8 hours in the past 5 days isn't good. making me fucking crazy,and having to work 8-10 hour days and not sleeping and going back the next morning is already killing me, so tired of this shit.
dont mean to sound so deppresing there at the end, but its true. i really hate the shit im going through and without having family support it makes shit real hard. i can understand my family not trusting me with $, but it would be nice to get some food to eat,and gas in my car to go look for work and stuff like that,i was told by a friend that talked to my mom said that they are trying a different tatic in helping me i'm glad its working for them, but with me eh its making me even more deppresed and thinking more about suicide is the answer.,also i'm all the way down to 145lbs (i went to give plasma and found out i lost alot of weight) used to weigh 175lb, not anymore. also my pulse rate was way high to be giving plasma, so there went that shit. im signing off now, cant say what or where i'll be tommmorw but really dont care, thanks for being friends with me on bl, im outies,pce
