My eyes snapped open at 7:45am today. I was never a morning person, and I still ain’t one. Early morning classes strewn slipshod through my weekly schedule has me realizing a new routine. Engineering starts early, goes til late, and the so-called professors find ways to mentally fuck the student body with diagrams that might well have been drawn by Escher himself, on top of assignments that simply cannot be completed for those of us who lack the ability to spontaneously manifest time.
I’ve been feeling bummed lately. I made the choice to come back to school and I decided on what I would study to propel me to a lofty career that would give me the self-respect I truly crave. Even still, flames of doubt lick at the back of my mind. There’s a fire burning back there, and I can’t see it in there but my mind feels smoked and exhausted enough that I know it’s there; consuming my hopes and dreams for fuel.
I miss work. Work was easy. I was treated with respect, paid for my time, and there was a comfy chair to sit in. Hell, I didn’t even have to wake up early. I’d show up around noon, after having the time in the morning to sleep in a bit and have a cup of joe I could savour. Then I’d fill a seat for the next 10 hours, walk 20 paces down the street to the local watering hole, drink with coworkers until we were too loud to contain then spill out into the parking lot to laugh and smoke and act like we shed a few years and were still just kids with life waiting for us.
Years later, it still feels like my life is waiting for me. With each month that passes, I get more and more attuned to the reality of that fact. Time passes and my fuck-ups seem to magnify while my successes seem too ancient to recount. It’s time for new successes, but how can I get at the challenges that are truly rewarding if I first must struggle through years more of school to get where I want?
I’m in limbo; too old to be at school on borrowed money, but too young to have a life established I can fall back on. My future is not here; not in this city, not in this country, not even on this continent. I know that because I’ve never felt like this is home. Home is where the heart is, they say, well my heart lies somewhere beyond the setting sun and I can hop on a plane and just go but I know I’ll never fit in or succeed there without this slip of fucking paper certifying that I know something because an eclectic panel of people raking in 100G+ annually have taken enough out of my wallet to agree to that. And so, my life is on hold until the day comes that I do get granted that paper worth more than gold.
Well, I suppose I’ll drink some wine now and peruse BL with subdued curiosity while I attempt to think my way out of my predicament, and into a life worth living.
I’ve been feeling bummed lately. I made the choice to come back to school and I decided on what I would study to propel me to a lofty career that would give me the self-respect I truly crave. Even still, flames of doubt lick at the back of my mind. There’s a fire burning back there, and I can’t see it in there but my mind feels smoked and exhausted enough that I know it’s there; consuming my hopes and dreams for fuel.
I miss work. Work was easy. I was treated with respect, paid for my time, and there was a comfy chair to sit in. Hell, I didn’t even have to wake up early. I’d show up around noon, after having the time in the morning to sleep in a bit and have a cup of joe I could savour. Then I’d fill a seat for the next 10 hours, walk 20 paces down the street to the local watering hole, drink with coworkers until we were too loud to contain then spill out into the parking lot to laugh and smoke and act like we shed a few years and were still just kids with life waiting for us.
Years later, it still feels like my life is waiting for me. With each month that passes, I get more and more attuned to the reality of that fact. Time passes and my fuck-ups seem to magnify while my successes seem too ancient to recount. It’s time for new successes, but how can I get at the challenges that are truly rewarding if I first must struggle through years more of school to get where I want?
I’m in limbo; too old to be at school on borrowed money, but too young to have a life established I can fall back on. My future is not here; not in this city, not in this country, not even on this continent. I know that because I’ve never felt like this is home. Home is where the heart is, they say, well my heart lies somewhere beyond the setting sun and I can hop on a plane and just go but I know I’ll never fit in or succeed there without this slip of fucking paper certifying that I know something because an eclectic panel of people raking in 100G+ annually have taken enough out of my wallet to agree to that. And so, my life is on hold until the day comes that I do get granted that paper worth more than gold.
Well, I suppose I’ll drink some wine now and peruse BL with subdued curiosity while I attempt to think my way out of my predicament, and into a life worth living.
