Blogs

into the words again
they have no place to go and im stuck like a sinking ship on dooms day, waving my chained arms at passer by mall walkers. little room for error, the margin has closed in tight.

once when i was a kid, i fell down the side of a mountain. a twist of thornage had raveled itself around my hand and pulled tight, leaving me hanging there like some cat on an electric wire. alone for the secluded meanderings i dangled with no words, no thoughts, or time. everything silent as the morning of snow. the leaves rustled by my feet had no answer and without worry i just sat there staring at the hand that had brought a spoonful of fruitloops to my mouth that morning.
it's hard to say what traveled interstate brainwaves right then. it's hard to say that in that moment i knew who i was without really thinking about it. that defining moment where life met mind and i could see purple flying poems blooming into brilliant branches of life occasions. all yellowed from the sun with dimples of happy greens and blues. dark shadows rendering spots of illumination into points of reference. the shadows are always entirely purposeful.
the silvery slit of a scar runs diagonally across the top of my left hand and fades when it gets to the meatier sides of the palm. a fragmented line and im all sours. a fragmented line and im back in the woods, dangling from forever.

I know, I know - its been AGES since I was on BL

My life had been spiralling out of control

It really admittedly started going downhill again when my relationship with Keira (Sweet P - btw. man I cringe when I see people call her 'P' because if theres one thing that I don't like thinking of Keira as it's that evil drug!) went to shit

At the time, I blamed Keira and Keira blamed me - each of us thought the other was 'the worst addict', 'the most hateful', 'the least mature', etc

So when I hit a sort-of 'second' rock bottom I didn't even realise it
However, I was behaving rather obnoxiously on TDS - no one but me could be right - and my BPD-type symptoms (which have almost vanished now, and I barely recognise in Keira either now) became worse and worse!
DW had become 'drugged witch'!

When I left BL, I thought it was just because I no longer was liked by anyone here - to be fair a lot of people who didnt know me did join and no, how could they know that I used to give 100% of my time to helping others fairly unselfishly when towards the end of my time at BL I was just making trouble, so I can see why people decided I might be a fun wind-up

However, through a lot of prayer and reflection I realised meth was not who I wanted to die being known as

Amazingly enough, around the time I decided I was going to bloody well give up (after a 3 month stint in remand due to meth possession - and getting back to a 3g a day IV habit....here we go again...) I found an email in my box that made my ticker go crazy (and I was SOBER!)
Yes, it was from Keira.

Keira didn't ask to go out with me again, just to see how I was. She didn't need to ask twice - I'd missed her like crazy...Keira is the one person I can talk about anything and feel comfortable with.

Slowly, as was inevitable, our relationship went from a 'weakly promised platonic' to the most romantic and cherished relationship I have ever had (much better than our so-called 'being in love while on P'...an impossible feat when you're an addict!)

Tonight is my last night using P...with Keira.
Many will be of the opinion that we are playing with fire but we feel this is the best way to get closure on that once ruined, poisoned relationship, and on the spoilt lives of two women who have now seen love and life through clear glasses.
We have both deleted our contacts from each other's phones...which was cathartic but brought me to tears a bit!

Tomorrow I have a new address - I'm moving out to Waitakere. No one will know where I live - except genuine friends!

Just remember - to all those who have tried and tried to give up methamphetamine:
It feels impossible until you know with all your heart and soul that when you invite meth into your body, you invite a demon into your soul...to cleanse a demonised soul, all one must do is break their old lives apart, and pick up the pieces worth keeping

Now that Keira and I have each other for support, we know, while there is no pretense that hard times will be ahead, we have done so well and got so far....and two against one (especially when I know God is on our side) usually win out

I'M CONFIDENT THAT THIS IS THE END OF LIFE...ON METH! %)

I'm a 22-year old male. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 years now. Because of my character, personality, and attitude, this is unbearable...

I'm a good listener so I know a lot about people's private things, I can make them talk about their view on a variety of things. And thus I know a lot of people aged 20+ don't treat their relationships seriously, in some cases it's more of a habit than a true feeling, in other cases it's a showpiece so they're not treated as people who can't pick up a girl/guy.

It's really hard to find a woman who is both intelligent and beautiful. I have quite a few complexes, this is due to my health condition. These are my disadvantages as a potential partner. Who would like to be in a relationship with someone whose health condition is that bad?

I suffer from hypothyroidism, thus have to take levothyroxine until the last time of my life. Also this disease causes tendency for depressive episodes and unpleasant physical symptoms like feeling cold.

I suffer from pituitary/tertiary adrenal insufficiency, thus will have to take hydrocortisone lifelong and not only as pills but also need a prepared shot in case cortisol level drops drastically and I am unfit for anything. Also this causes tendency for nervousness, anxiety, tiredness, and physical symptoms like cumulating fat in the region of head and neck (or even goitre). Although I'm skinny, I'm very afraid of it because one doesn't look nice after this happens.

I'm addicted to methadone. I can't taper down and I've been on it for at least 1.5 years straight. I need split-dosing. I know marihuana helped me a lot when I was in England. I could totally skip the second dose almost every day, I also tapered down my morning dose to only 10mg (I didn't smoke daily). Now back in Poland I had to increase my dose up to 25mg because I couldn't go out at 10mg in the morning. I study so there's no way I can shut myself at home.

I'm addicted to clonazepam. I started tapering down on February 6, 2012 from 6mg, right now I'm at 1.5mg - generally - but lately I have been taking more methadone and clonazepam for caffeine crashes (I don't have prescriptions for hydrocortisone yet as I have to wait for a visit in the medical centre - I need something to charge me up as I have a very busy time at my university, lots of exams; I quit being an active chemist so I don't even have access to pure ephedrine or anything speeding up not only body but also mind). I know I will need something sedating and anxiolytic but not causing physical dependence - again at least 75% Cannabis sativa indica breeds seem the best.

I've got acne problems recently. I feel like a damned teenage nightmare came back again. I don't know what happened, it may be antibiotics I took last year but does it matter now? I always had problems with skin and I used special gels etc. for washing skin and keeping hygiene. I used to have all my back in pimples (I've got a lot of scars now), so maybe something acted like pulling the trigger. My cheeks look very strange, I've never had such spots, not that they're big or have a lot of pus in them, rather they're very shallow, just under my skin and they're kind of flat. I went to a dermatologist and I got some herbal pills I was sceptical about at the beginning but my face looks much better since I started taking them. She also wanted to do something about those scars on my back so she prescribed me a retinoid derivative, she seems to know what she's doing as she told me to dilute it before applying and she told me to use only once a week (I read a lot of negative opinions about side effects after daily application of the medicine on face, people got much more pimples than they had). I'm trying to think positively here because my skin used to give me a lot of complexes and I wasn't bold enough to act decidedly towards some girls in the past because I was afraid they would ignore me just because of my skin.

I also received bad results from complex blood and urine tests. There's a quite high level of bilirubin (3 mg/dl), it looks like jaundice but skin and eyes negate it, and low level of CRP suggests there is no inflammatory condition. Anyway I'm going to do anti-HCV tests (it's impossible I got this shit during my i.v. drug use, I always cared about injection hygiene, besides I had tests for HIV and HCV done not long before I quit using needles, so it'd be truly a curse if God let that happen ;( ). High levels of bilirubin may be a result of how little I eat, no idea.

But if I caught HCV somewhere, there is no reason for me to live any more. I would never put anyone in danger. There would be no possibility to be with a woman in a deep relationship. Being an HCV carrier, I won't be able to fully fulfil man's commitment coming from being in a serious relationship. There's no chance I could have any intimate life and women do feel the need to make love. Moreover, this also means I will never be able to be a biological father and when 2 people are in a relationship, and they want to have a child, I know how important for a woman it is to have a child of her partner.

How I hate this loneliness. You can't even imagine. If I could only feel I'm needed... If I could only plunge my nose into woman's long thick hair, smell it... If I could kiss her neck, if I could look deeply in her eyes seeing she has a strong feeling for me as I do for her. I so want to face this world with someone and not be alone any more!

Otherwise, nothing makes sense.

I have a little card I carry around with me in my wallet everywhere. It's from this collective of people who were publishing fantastic manuals and zines and resources... they also sell books. here is the link: CrimethInc.com...

Here is what the card says:

you must always be high. everything depends on it; it is the only question. so as not to feel the horrible burden of Time wrecking your back and bending you to the ground, you must get high without respite. but on what? on life, on poetry, or on virtue whatever you like, but get high. and if sometimes you wake up, on palace stepson the green grass of a ditch, in your room's gloomy solitude, your intoxication already waning or gone, ask the wind, the waves, the stars, the birds, clocks, ask everything that flees, everything that moans, everything that moves, everything that sings, everything that speaks, ask what time it is. and the wind, the waves, the stars, the birds, clocks, will answer, "It is time to get high! so as not to be the martyred slaves of Time, get high; get high constantly! on life, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish."

All totalitarian regimes employ heavy restrictions on sex and sexual freedoms to enforce violent and oppressive standards. Sexually free and expressive persons rarely march off to war, behave according to predictable consumption patterns, or accept subjugation without critical thought. Traditional monogamy is insidiously forced upon people in the West through mass media as well as law. Its killing you. Its destroying your ability to think freely and independently. It makes you a valuable, predictable, and easily controlled asset. Sexual independence is a fundamental key to personal liberty.

I've returned to BL after a hiatus of a few years. In that time, I've managed to get clean and sober (almost 2 years now!). Things have really changed around BL, there's a lot of new people I don't remember from before, and it seems as though all the old familiar regulars have gone. Maybe that's for the better, since I'm here to turn over a new leaf.

When I first started on BL, I was extremely passionate about pharmaceuticals. Initially, I was a recreational user, but as with all drug habits, things slid quickly. I soon developed a fierce IV oxy habit and hit rock bottom really hard. I managed to pull myself up from rock bottom and got clean. However, the road to getting clean was chaotic, to say the least.

October 16, 2010 was the last day I used. I recall going on a major oxy and coke binge. The morning after, I really was not doing well. My mood was all over the place (I guess you could describe it as a bad mixed bipolar episode). I became acutely suicidal, and called 911. Since I was living in a university residence home at the time, I got out of the house quickly, because I didn't want the police and the paramedics showing up at the house and freaking out the other residents, who were mostly sheltered rich kids. I had the police meet me on a corner down the street. After being taken to the hospital, things were a major roller-coaster. I remember going from sobbing to one of the psych RN's and then when I was left alone, trying to hang myself in the ER. I was then put in a seclusion room, where I went acutely psychotic. When I was rushed to this room after hanging myself, I proceeded to use the gurney as a battering ram to smash on the locked door. When RNs and security arrived, I managed to grab a short IV pole on the gurney and wield it like a club. Thankfully, one of the RNs talked me down. I was then four-pointed, and in the process of this happening, I spat in the face of a male nurse who I thought was giving me attitude. I was promptly injected with Clopixol Accuphase and Ativan. My psychiatrist happened to be on call, and needless to say, he was furious.

After being brought up to the South Psychiatric Ward, I experienced horrible EPS from the Clopixol and was fatigued and drowsy from the med cocktail that was given to me to detox from the oxys (25 mg of Librium q.i.d. and 0.2 mg of Clonidine t.i.d.). I was also on my usual psych med cocktail (6 mg Invega qam, 100 mg modafinil qam, 200 mg Tegretol qam, 400 mg hs, 100 mg Lamictal hs, 1 mg Rivotril/Klonopin qam and 2 mg hs and 10 mg sublingual zolpidem prn hs) plus 2 mg Ativan as a prn (only when I was in the hospital).

Now, at the hospital where I was staying, there are 3 psychiatric units: North, South and PICU. As a rule, you want to be on North, as the staff are better and the patients are a lot better. The PICU is the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit- basically the lockup for the most profoundly ill patients. I was given a "Form 3", which means an involuntary admission to care.

I was soon transferred to North, and over the next few days, I was detoxed and given privileges. I hung around with some interesting people and avoided the really unstable ones (I've been "on the ward" before, so I knew exactly what to do and who to avoid). I have a number of stories about just how surreal it is on the ward, but I'll tell those at a later date.

After my detox completed, I was approached by a hospitalist that also specialized in addiction medicine and ran an addictions clinic across the street from the hospital. I quickly came to the conclusion that I needed to go on a treatment program, be it bupe or MMT. The doctor wanted me to go on MMT, but my psychiatrist and my GP had advised that I go on bupe. I began bupe therapy and things started to improve dramatically. I was soon discharged from the hospital, only to find that the locks on the doors of my place had been changed. I managed to find living arrangements and have been living the sober life ever since. I've been to various outpatient treatment programs, and a psychologist that specializes in addiction but I've yet to go to NA. My addictions doc, my shrink and my psychologist all said that NA just stands for Narcotics Available. I think that they're all biased, but I've been doing really well. I have stories about my experiences on bupe, but again, I'll save those for another time.

I managed to finish my first Master's degree and I'm going to be starting a second one in September. I'm going for a Master's in Social Work with a specialization in Mental Health and Addictions. I want to work with people that are going through mental health and addiction issues, because I've been there myself, so I know what it's like.

I know that this entry was major tl;dr material, but I was just recapping my escape from rock bottom and how I began living the sober life.

Just a few minutes ago I told my mother I've tried crack and done heroin. She wasn't angry but she just couldn't believe I tried it. I don't know why I told her but I felt as if I had to and now a weights been lifted off my shoulder. At least I can now talk to her and maybe feel somewhat better. Maybe, she can help me along this crazy journey I'm on. I want to remember a life without drugs but its so hard to do. She tells me though that if I use and die from heroin my boyfriend's death will be another death in vain. Its true but I really don't know what to do anymore.

5-HTP can be very beneficial sometimes (e.g. on MDMA comedowns). It's a direct precursor to serotonin (5-HT) and increases the production of serotonin in the brain.

This happened quite a while ago, and I didn't use any medication that affects serotonin then.

I bought 100 mg 5-HTP pills because I was tired of using AD's and wanted to give 5-HTP a try.

The instructions on the bag was to take one pill before sleep. So I did that. Sleep was great, 5-HTP makes you quite drowsy and sedated. The first two days I felt great, there was a definite moodlift. But on the third day I got a light serotonin syndrome. I got severe diarrhea, nausea, vomited profusely, got heart arrhytmias and developed a slight fever. 100 mg was far too much for me. Fortunately the symptoms were quite light when taken into account that serotonin syndrome can be very dangerous and even fatal. I can't imagine people taking 100 mg every day for prolonged periods.

Also, taking 5-HTP on SSRI withdrawal is one of the worst things you can do. It makes withdrawal much, much worse. Anxiety, nervousness and nausea is increased dramatically. This also seems to be the experience of most others taking it while on SSRI withdrawal. You would logically think that raising your serotonin levels (as they almost always are low when quitting SSRI's) would help, but it has the opposite effect. Why that is the case I don't know.

5-HTP is marketed as this natural antidepressant that supposedly has few to no side effects. Too many are fooled by this and get various negative reactions by taking it. If you do decide to take it, start low (25 mg) and see how you react. Avoid using it for prolonged periods.

Generally I think it's very unwise to alter your neurotransmitter levels much. I've found Tyrosine to be great after taking stimulants, but in those cases my dopamine levels have been very low, hence the benefit.

Feeling right back pain... I know this pain... But I really hope I'm wrong.

I think my right lung might have collapsed....

Hey, I've never blogged before. I don't even know really how to. Anyway I just want to give a shout out to all the people out there. snip

It would be a major understatement to say that Ive been miserable as fuck for the most part the past few months. I swore that when i hit 30 i would try and lead a less fucked up life and maybe even settle down abit. But it seems that my goddamn fucked up brain had other plans. I got hit with a depressive episode that was the worst Ive had in years. For the first time in ages the thought of suicide seriously crossed my mind. But i am determined to not give into that no matter how bad things get.

The really bad flare up's of trigeminal neuralgia have not been helping my mood or opiate use either as of late. I have had to take enough morphine and hydromorphone to get about 10 people high just to stop me from nearly crying from the pain. Well truth be told i did actually cry from the pain. I feel so alone when i have to go through shit like this. Noone who can do anything about it gives a shit. As far as the doctors are concerned I'm just another cunt taking up money from the health care system. Go home and suffer until you finally kill yourself is what they want. But i won't give in that easy.

I did give up the needle for awile but because of the fact that sometimes i have to get by with hydromorphone avoiding it is hard. Plus everything seems so hopeless lately that i think why should i give it up? So what if I'm a junkie who cares. My biggest worry is how to get through everyday and if it takes a few shots of morphine or dilaudid to get me through a long dark night then so be it.

I actually thought that this year i might catch a break. I should have known that it would just be more of the same old shit.

I've been away for a month or so, as I've been very busy with life. I just moved out of the halfway house, since my 90 days was up. I've since been searching for places and I found the absolute perfect place! I'm moving in in two days!

I have been doing well, I must say! I did have a MINOR relapse (I would actually call it a "slip").
I bought about half a gram and used it all in one day. It was not worth it. I learned very quickly that dope is just not worth it.

I felt gross as I did the typical meet up with my dealer. My stomach was in knots and I began to panic. I had no where to shoot up. I'm currently couch surfing and didn't want to shoot up in a friend's bathroom. I chose a coffee shop with a large, single bathroom, in uptown. I snuck in through the back, as to avoid paying for a cup of coffee. I took off my back pack, unloaded my gear, and started feeling those old feelings I'd always get, pre-shot. I started to wonder who would find me if I overdosed. I pictured an angry employee knocking for minutes until finally opening the bathroom door with a master key. I pictured the employee's face as she saw me, blue in the face, belt on the ground, next to a bloody syringe that had been dropped from my numb, lifeless hand.

As soon as I got done playing this scenario in my head, I rolled up my sleeve, found the perfect vein, immediately gasped when the crimson bloom formed, and let out a loud sigh as soon as I finished the shot. I closed my eyes and stood up. I looked in the mirror and then packed up my gear. I started to move towards the door, then came to a complete stop. I needed another shot. I wasnt even as high as I should have been. I attribute this to the Suboxone that I had taken about thirty hours prior..or the fact that this dope was NOT as good as it was when I was hooked. I went through the same routine as stated above, and then finally made my way out of the restroom, to find a mad customer who, apparently, had been "knocking for like, five fucking minutes". I never heard a knock.

Heroin just didn't do me right, this time. I have been clean since..and that was the first relapse I've had since quitting heroin. I'm still proud of myself. It would be foolish to claim that I will "NEVER" have a slip/relapse again. The harsh reality is that I am an addict. I am a heroin addict and I am not ashamed of it. I'm making some wonderful improvements in my life, and I really do NOT have time to sit around and get high. I'm about to live with an amazing 30-something year old mother that opened her house to me for the CHEAP as FUCK price of $200/month, because I agreed to babysit her children two days a week, an do some cleaning tasks. I am looking forward to all the great things that will come out of this next adventure I will start in two days! Wish me luck

I was raised atheist, the first time and only times I set foot in a church was/is for funerals.

But life is a miracle, I feel like there has to be more to it than numbers and data ,AKA science.
I feel like science can translate the miracle of life into something more universal: like numbers, data, codes, formulas, theories.

But that there HAS to be more to it, Look outside right now. Maybe its too dark depending on where you are, but for me I see the sunset, and clouds in a mostly blue/orange/purple sky,
and looking up at the sky, I cannot help but feel that there HAS to be more to life.

I highly doubt "God" created us in his image
how the hell could he have come up with other forms of life like animals and plants
Like, a deer for example, how did he figure out what he wanted a deer to be?
How did he designs humans so "perfect"? If he created us in his image, he should have known the consequences.

So I feel like god is not human, it is superhuman.
And I don't mean like a superhero, which is, again, underneath all the glory, merely a human.
Everything and everyone is immortal, plants and animals both, so how could "God" be immortal.

Some people believe in fate, or predestination, that your whole life is planned by god before you are even born, but I disagree.

However, I do think that there is SOMETHING out there, some force, that affects what happens to us both good and bad, kind of like Karma.

Thoughts?

Well, tonight the full moon was out -- a supermoon, in fact -- up in the sky behind wispy threads of fog. The smell of marijuana was in the air and a block party brought Decatur Avenue alive. The sounds of Spanish music and people cheering each other on to take another shot of tequila flooded my brain with about as much stimulus as my fragile brain could take. I had eaten half a blue Oxycodone pill just a half hour earlier, inside of the bathroom of a deli owned by Islamic Indians. Five times a day, the owners of the deli use that bathroom to pray in as well, because it is the room that faces Mecca. There was a ceiling panel missing and I felt something drip on my head. As I was leaving the bathroom, I pushed open the second door, hitting some idiot teenagers that were running around and making a complete mess. I left the store and caught up with my girlfriend, my connect and his girlfriend. My connect's girlfriend was gracious enough to give myself and my girlfriend ride to the train station as I wasn't feeling too good from starting out the day in minor opioid withdrawal and didn't want to make the long walk back. I started to feel better and got on the train. The ticket taker came and punch our tickets. This particular ticket taker is one of my favorites. We always seem to catch her. She's a short, fat black woman with fantastic hair and a loud voice and just an overall "big" presence. If this woman tells you to do something, you do it. But you do it because you don't want to make her mad AND because you respect her.

After we got off the train, I asked my girlfriend if we could go to 7-11. A couple of days ago, I spilled my Mountain Dew Slurpee all over the parking lot. My girlfriend told me to go inside and ask for another one but I told her I wasn't a 5 year old who dropped my ice cream cone and cried about it. Although, I did feel like a 5 year old who dropped their ice cream cone. I just didn't want to admit it and be wrong. Today, I made it without dropping my Slurpee. Frozen Coke if you're wondering. I know some people don't like it at all, but I really do. I like frozen Mountain Dew also, but not as much. I wish they made a Frozen Sprite and a Frozen Root Beer. We bought a stick of beef jerky to give to the dogs and some Peanut Butter and Chocolate Bugles for my brother. I only got 1 of them, but I thought it was pretty good. One of those sweet and salty type snacks. I guess you have to be in the mood for it.

I've been applying to jobs like crazy all day. I can't seem to get any interviews. This is my karma for not going to a lot of the interviews I've had. I'm thinking of doing some sort of side business where I sell water and snacks at the park near us over the summer. If I can get a Costco day pass, I can probably get everything I need to make some money. I just need enough for rent. I've got to take matters into my own hands if I'm going to be so reckless with money because of my addictions.

Me and my girlfriend took our dogs out for a walk. I ran my Westie up and down a set of stairs that belong to my old elementary school. God, what a world away attending elementary school is. It's almost mind blowing how different the world and my life have turned out between 1991-1997 and now.

I ran around quite a bit and I found that it does in fact potentiate opioids like an awesome member of DC said it does.

I'm waiting for my MXE and Phenazepam. Hopefully these drugs will keep me occupied until I can find a job and get more opiates. Or in between Percocet refills. I need to buy a small scale and some Rolaids. I want to take my dogs to the dog park tomorrow and possibly get down to PetCo.

I was supposed to go to an NA meeting today but I convinced myself not to and also to get drugs. I'm so pathetic.

I think I am going to do it. I am going to talk about my addictions in therapy. I wonder if he can tell I have substance abuse issues... I mean he's probably been around it quite a bit. We'll see I guess. I am not 100% sure I am going to tell him about the Roxi, Opana, heroin and cocaine. I might just say I'm an alcoholic. Same difference, right? Well, except for the illegal aspect. I'll say I am an alcoholic stoner. That should be close enough.

I am covered in mosquito bites.

I want another Roxicodone but I asked my girlfriend to hold them so I don't use them all in one night like I did last time... I always prove her right when it comes to my drug use

Essentially, if I had some money, I'd be fine. I think. I'd just have a drug problem, not a money problem. I've never overdosed and my health is fine except for a few issues that can be easily fixed. I am starting to nod, my eyes are crossing and I can barely make out what I am typing... the only way I know I misspell something is if the red squiggly lines appear under a word. When I was like 8, I thought the red squiggly lines would print out with my work so I tried to make them ago away haha. Too bad I didn't realize it was spellcheck and I had some misspelled words. Embarrassing!

Anyway, I doubt anyone read this far so BANANA HAMMOCK!

...


It feels good to be so tuned in.

Now to move onwards and upwards.

This has been a long time coming:

London Elektricity - Life Is Beautiful

All right great to be back on the blog scene, I have been super busy promoting and doing research for my new venture Deathbylollipop Entertainment. But before I get into all that excitement and craziness I want to talk a little about whats been going on the last few weeks.

So after my lengthy Synthetic Marijuana binge I decided to clean up my act and stop fucking around pawn shops and kick back up my work and study schedule. Got my laptop out of hock and started logging into the free wifi at a local coffee shop that shall remain nameless. Any way decided to download a few good programs, bitclients, high end browsers, and a download accelerator. I came across an interesting program that I'll talk about some other time. More importantly I came about a private sector of the internet proliferated by drug dealers, pedophiles, and con men. I won't go into detail for the safety and out rehabness of our members but lets just say the dark net is out there.

On this "dark net" is a certain market place who I'm going to choose not to name. The currency exchanged there is what is known as the bitcoin. Now this sparked my interest so I began doing some research on how exactly to acquire this so called bitcoin. Well after reading up on it I found out its what is known as an online cryptocurrency which can not be authenticated or tracked by any third party. This makes its possession and exchange completely anonymous.

This sparked my interest even further so I did some further research and found out there is a whole sector of internet related websites which accept the bitcoin as a valid form of currency. Most of the websites were relatively low budget but it became apparent to me that there was a thriving internet base that accepted the bitcoin openly.

This leads me to my latest venture. Deathbylollipop is a non profit organization looking to help provide healthy recreating for young Americans through promotion and marketing in the Florida Nightlife scene. We center our message on the promotion of the bitcoin and its related LEGAL enterprises. Our goal is to encourage the further development and commerce that the bitcoin provides and also help fuel young adults to enjoy a fast paced "hollywood" lifestyle in a awesome nightclub after nightclub environment AND with a positive twist.

We are not do gooders or goody two shoes instead we try to present ourselves as a group of young individuals who strive for success and what to help push the boundaries on what success is commonly defined as. We like to go out play and listen to music, we like to party, and we love capital gain . We also like doing these things for a good cause.

You can check out my latest vlog on our organization here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8axlbBh3nMk&feature=relmfu

Also please be sure to follow us on twitter @deathbylollipop

More photos and anecdotes to come!

Stay safe and healthy in the meanwhile

I don't know... all of the shit that drugs have caused in my life and I still don't want to give them up. What do I do? I can't imagine ever quitting... but I also know that if I don't quit my life will go to shit. I forsee two very distinct paths in my life... one is of addiction and the other is of happiness... I cannot have both. Are any addicts happy?

I love that episode of South Park where Stan wakes up one morning and everything looks, sounds, smells, tastes... like SHIT. Then he finds the Matrix people, who tell him to make a choice... and he starts drinking or whatever and then the world is awesome again for a while, until he pukes... then everything is shit again. That episode is a fantastic metaphor for depression & addiction. I think it ends with Stan seeing through the bullshit of alcoholism as well as real life... This is the episode I'm talking about if you're interested in watching.

Sigh.

Cocaine and heroin haunt my dreams... and my waking life as well. I'm thinking of ordering some MXE & Phenazepam online soon. Excitement abounds...

I'm trapped and free and trapped and I love my dogs and my girlfriend and brother, my friends mostly suck, money sucks, I gotta make it my top priority to get a fucking job. Set a rule for myself -- don't use opiates until I get a job. And then promptly lose the job? I don't know... I'm so directionless. Moneyless.

I've been talking to my therapist about what self-esteem is and how people acquire it and it was interesting because he said it came from other people and not from within and then I got really confused and our time was up.

I wish I had money and good drug connects and more money and more drugs so I didn't have to figure this shit out. Fuck.

Im feeling a little better about my life compared to my last blog. I had a really excellent week long binge on MXE capped with a nice LSD experience that set my head to a better tune. Its officially spring down here the temps been in the 80s everday with lots of sunshine. Ive been going out to the little park by my dorm to watch all the pretty girls walk by the sunshines good and I think that someday when im ready Ill find someone to love me. I just finished my rough draft for my sociology paper on heroin addiction it was interesting to read all these scientists sounding so stupid talking about something they have no desire to really undestand. I dunno why but I just feel super at peace tonight bumping some atmosphere right now about to get a sandwich and smoke a joint of kush. peace bluelight I hope things are well with each and everyone of you!

Can anyone tell me how long it takes to become dependant on fentanyl? I have ten 50 mcg/h patches and I am told to wear each patch for 3 days, therefor to last me one month. I am concerned that after a month's use of these patches, I will be hooked on them. If anyone knows how long it takes to create an addiction to fentanyl, can you please tell me? Thank-you

I'm used to writing a blog that due to a battle with an addiction I had stopped writing in.

Maybe this will be an interesting writing experience. I currently have been logging my MMT experiences, that may be transferred here.

More of a test post.

Your gang of buddies have gone off on holiday. All your tasks have been done, and now you have plenty of time on your hands. How do you pass the time? Playing free browsergames bz online should be one avenue to pass the time away. Many people similar to you are flocking online to play free online games, or massively multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG's as they are normally called. The attractiveness of free browser games, among players from a large segment of age groups, has been popularized by the availability of high quality gamming hardware, high-speed internet and a wide choice of high-quality games. There is, however, one other reason for the increasing demand for online games. Not only do they cost nothing, there is usually nothing to download or install in order to be able to play these games. The nature of the browser games tell whether individual users can play them, or if they are team-based games. The games usually center around a virtual world with individual participants playing the roles of characters in those worlds.

Usually, these games are designed with no real end game in sight. Many of them can continue indefinitely through innumerable twists and turns of a plot. Many researchers believe that's a problem with these games. Many of the high quality MMO's are developed to captivate their audience. At times, the story line coupled with the high quality graphics can get individuals to become extremely attached to the characters or to the reality itself.

Die-hard participants in some of these games can very easily have difficulty distinguishing between the real world and a virtual one. Playing free browser games can usually lead to grave addiction to the games! Another criticism often leveled against MMORPG's comes from business owners and employers. These criticisms are mostly directed at PC-based MMO's. If left unsupervised, many employees often use company infrastructure to go online to satisfy their addiction for the games. A lot of this game playing goes on during work hours, which is a huge loss for the company. Browser games run on more than just PC's.

Owners of popular gamming stations, such as Nintendo DS, PSP, Xbox, PlayStation and Wii, are able to connect to the Internet and participate in MMO games. This creates yet another hurdle for MMORPG's. Online games often hog a lot of data capacity from normal residential and commercial internet services. The high graphics-based games often consume gigabytes of bandwidth from admissible data plans. As a result of this extra data usage, your monthly ISP charges could skyrocket. If played for acceptable amounts of time, free browser games can provide players with a lot of fun and entertainment. When played moderately, these games can not only be fun and informative, but they can also be a great provider of quality family time.

I awoke at 4am. My GHB bottle was completely empty. All I had was a small amount of crystal meth. The speediness of GHB's dopamine rebound had taken over. I was in no state of anxiety, but I wanted to be high. The meth lifestyle was already beginning to take over.

I wanted to be high.

I set my phone down. My sex drive had diminished. My music of choice was Mindless Self Indulgence. I broke down the crystal into 4 small lines. It crackled. The crystals seemed extremely easy to crush, as if they were made of a thin plastic material.

*phhht* Line 1
4:30 - Methamphetamine. The devil's drug. Its smoothness. It caresses a user into a state of manic euphoria. It gently sets them down. It ends. The user can choose to take more or sleep.

The effects were not enough. I felt myself begin to have the smooth concentration that meth bestows. It was not enough.

*phhht* Another line.
*phht* Line 3.
5:00 - My hands began to shake uncontrollably as I felt myself begin to give into a train of thought that raced at 100 miles per hour. I was no virgin to panic attacks, however the thing about panic attacks is that they seem different and "New" every time. This is not a good thing.

Somewhere deep down I felt that the 4th line would cure my anxiety. I felt as if meth was the end-all-beat all drug and that simply taking more could end my anxious paranoia.
....
....

*phhhhttt* Line 4.
6:00 - My heart was beating faster and faster, my breathing was uncontrollable as I had no way to solve or figure out how to end this panic; I searched frantically for more GHB, but it was all gone. Sipped up, licked up, the GHB was no where. I searched everywhere online for differences between panic attacks and heart attacks;

How would I know if I was going to die? If I seize up, who will save me? How do I make this end?!

What am I doing? I need to go to the hospital. I will have a heart attack if my heart continues to beat faster.

It only continued to progress to a higher level of hell and each hour passed by in a way like waiting for the grim reaper to finally take my life.

A panic attack is simply like having a staring contest with death.

8:00 - My vision was going blurry, I could not get my arm away from the heart rate and blood pressure monitor as the soft expansion of the blood pressure reader seemed to make my left arm feel as if it were going numb which made no justice to my condition. At this point I began to drive.

8:20 - My chest was hurting. My left arm began to feel "tingy" and in my panicked state of mind it felt numb. It was time to visit an emergency clinic.

The world was in a shade of grey, but vivid. My mind was in shock. It continued to tell me, that I would not live tomorrow.
"Hello, can I get your name, address and insurance information on this sheet of paper?" the front door person asked in a calm voice.

"Hi." I ejaculated with desperate tone, "My chest hurts and my left arm is going numb. I don't know what to do."

At this point all I wanted was to live. Live to see another day and never touch meth again. Tell my mother how much I love her.

9:30 - An EKG was run. My heart rate had gotten to a dangerously high level. My blood pressure as well. The hospital heart rate monitor was making a "warning" sound every 30 seconds. I felt foolish. Educated, accomplished doctors were helping me. I was Junkie trash.

I explained that I had been using methamphetamine to help me study. The GHB was to help me sleep and for muscle building purposes. The doctors seemed unimpressed with my decisions, however I feel as if I was treated relatively well despite the circumstances of me being there.

10:30 - This nurse changed my life.
"Please. Don't do it again." she stated in a depressed manner, "I'm raising three kids, because of that."

I was surprised, she did not look like a meth user.

"You did it?" I asked

"No. My boyfriend did."
Then she said something that would stick with me for a long time.
"He was a little older than you. He had scholarships and a successful college life. He was fixing to move on to get a career... At first he was using meth to study once a month... Then once a week until it finally got control of him. Now he's nothing but a worthless junkie. It's all gone because of his drug use."

I sat in the bed for a moment. My mind was in a state of panic. It wanted to escape the situation, but what she said had broken through the fight or flight response. It was so powerful. The story. The situation. I had been living in. A ruse. My knowledge of substance use was in no way going to save me from a hard drug addiction. The path I had gone down was leading to this moment.


Lorazepam injection was not nearly enough, but enough to get me into class later that day.

Panic attacks lasted from (6AM -> 11PM)



Conclusion.

I understand that the dopamine rebound of GHB had obviously potentiated the panic effects of a stimulant. I am currently trying to figure out why I, specifically, am so prone to panic attacks.

The meth would not have killed me, however if I had not gone to the hospital and then met the specific nurse that believed in me, it would have killed the person I was going to become.

Never let a drug control your lifestyle bluelight.

I'm logging this blog to accurately document my switching from poppy tea, to physician assisted suboxone treatment. Now, everybody's bodies & histories vary. So here is mine:
First, I am white, male, 34 years old. 6' 1" tall, and weigh in at 195 lbs. I have been using opiates off and on (mostly on) for over 10 years now. (I was badly crushed while working in November 2001.) After leaving the hospital, I was immediately given Vicodin, percocet, ect. After 2 years the doc had me on fentynal patches, oxycodone, and even methadone 10 mg tabs.. I am familiar with tolerance, and I KNOW what withdrawals are. After 7 years or so, I discovered poppy tea and the rest is history. I didn't even bother going to see my doc for pain meds anymore after that. A few weeks ago, I became eligible for Medicare, so I immediately looked for a suboxone doc in my area. I got an appointment so I had about 10 to prepare for the comming induction period. My biggest fear was the long half life of the poppy tea. I dread the withdrawals, but I DON'T want precipitated withdrawals from suboxone either. My average (once per daily) dose of tea was around 12 large/XL pods. Though I believe I was very efficient at extracting every last alkaloids from them so maybe it should be considered as a bit larger dose then that.. I weaned myself down to about half of that average dose for the last 5 days. Then, took my last dose at exactly T-48 hours. And I wish to also note that I took a dose of around 8 grams of premium Keaton 24 hours after that.. when I arrived at my appointment I was kind of worried because my withdrawals were pretty mild yet. But, the short version is that about 30 minutes following my first 1/2 tab dose, I was feeling significantly better. My doc gave me the 2nd half pill to take at home 5 hours later which I did. So, today is day two. I am going back to see my doc to receive another dosing. And I am guessing I will be sent home with an rx today so I may begin dosing in my own home after today. So far this suboxone stuff is working exactly as promised. I feel NO high at all. But I DEFINITELY feel NO withdrawals either. Kind of surprised that such a small dose is doing so much.. ill continue with this blog as time passes. Wishing you all the best

I wade my sea of grief.....waters black and cold...
It feels like I'm shoulder deep, barely able to breathe over the top, the water lapping at my chin with little whispering waves of the sweetness it would give me to surrender to it.....
If I close my eyes and visualize the water this way, it's a dark and vast, beautiful oblivion.
I want to stand in it. I'm sure that is a problem.
Looking all around me, is nothing but night sky over gorgeous dark water, moonlight kissing the top, glistening for me.....
My secrets, my desires, my longing, my endless heartache, my love, my fear and my selfishness.....we're all welcome to refuse the morning if we choose.
Part of me wants to beg for the sun to peek over the horizon and give me the same mind altering call that I feel now.
My strength, my light and the heart to fight is slowly eroding away.

ok so last night i took a pill called Effexor for the first time, and not planning to take it again.. and today i bought a molly and its my first time with pure MDMA and i was really hoping to roll tonight! do you think the effexor would take the effects of the molly? even though i havnt been taking effexor and i havnt taken it before. it says that it takes a couple weeks for antidepressents to work , so im guessing since it cant really effect me after just taking it once , the roll would be good. please tell me im right