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well past few days ive been busy with work, but sucks not having a place to go home and shower after baking in the hot sun doing landscape work,which that was a temp job anyway. its something that i think about all the time, no matter what im doing. atleast i bought some baby wipes to wipe myself down face to toe. its better then nothing right? i'm not trying to be like a dirty homeless person.
yesterday u went and bought some rosery beads/prayer beads, just to use them and pray.sunday i plan on going to get them blessed by a cathloic priest, just so i can feel somewhat better spirtualy.
I've got some nasty bubbles on the bottom of my right foot, i dont think its just athleates feet, its more like posion ivy type rash, but without the itchyness, they bother me when i'm on my feet alot, and really hope that it isn't MRSA. been keeping my feet clean using baby wipes and if im in a bathroom with a lock on the door, ill wash em with soap n water n usea paper towl to dry because haviing dirty feet makes me feel weird.
so last night i went and bought a tent at wallmart thinking that id be able to camp out at this park/trail i used to camp at when i was a kid, hell the place is less then a mile from my mothers house, so i assembled the tent and put it up next to my car (i woulda gone deep in the woods but had no flash light). that was around 2am? so at 5am a cop came shining his light in my tent, and im sure he looked around in my car, theres nothing bad in it (like empty beers, and stuff like that). so he woke me up and asked me what i was doing, since the addy on my ID is for an addy jus right down the street i told him that its been a busy week and felt like getting out of the house for the night and camp. luckly for me he wasn't a total dick to me, (i have a volunteer firefighter sticker on my back windsheld)so we talked about that for a minute, and before all this he ran my tag and my name and saw i was clean(have no charges), so that was good beacause almost 2 years ago i got an outa jail arrest thing for loittering in a drug controlled area. im glad it got cleared because i never did anything about it besides court and rehab.
so after i left the park,i drove over to mc donalds and parked my car n took a little nap, then the sun came out and drove to another park and parked in the shade to get a nap in, well i guess it was like not even 11am and i decided to use what money i had and get a cheapass motel room in crack city here in town, $35 a night and its what i had in my pocket, so i booked a room, and showerd n took a snooze.
i really hate fucking living in my car, its getting harder and harder to do this shit clean, i really want to use and shoot some dope. i know if i do that then atleast id' be high and able to deal with whatever, its like im trying to convince myself that i have the best reason to get high, and shit who wouldnt want to get high if ur homeless like me, and have all these problems going on in my life. ive been thinking more and more about saving up some $ and buying a gram of heroin and just do it all or as much as i can without the rig getting stuck, and just go to sleep and not have to wake up in my fucking car, yes im thinking suicidal.. i havnt talked to my mom in some time, neither anyone else in my family. no one for real sept people here on bl, ive layed here and thought of o how happy my step father would be if i were fucking gone, i already know he'd play the sadness part then fuck my mom that night.
i always wonder who would come to my funeral when im gone and sofar i can name enough people that fit on one hand (5). sorta pathetic but dont really have any friends,most of them have alreadt OD'd,and the ones that havnt are in prison. woopty doo if i die, not like the world will miss a used up junky. the more i think about it the more i think about doing it. i really have no regrets in life because when i do think of something it makes me feel like shit, and guilty as fuck. i cant really say if its ever going to get better because so far nothing has been going the way id like them to.
like the job thing at a steel plant that susposdely i was going to get, i called up there friday and asked the forman there if he's gone over my job app, and he said that he hadnt even looked at it. one of my friends that works there said that i was going to get hired, but that was full of shit, how can some1 say that they are going to hire me but havnt even checked my shit.
so by the looks of things, it doesnt look like things will ever get better, i keep thinking about saying fuck this shit and die. atleast id be able to finally lay in a posistion with my legs stretched out instead of being in the fetal posistion. yea not sleeping but maybe 8 hours in the past 5 days isn't good. making me fucking crazy,and having to work 8-10 hour days and not sleeping and going back the next morning is already killing me, so tired of this shit.
dont mean to sound so deppresing there at the end, but its true. i really hate the shit im going through and without having family support it makes shit real hard. i can understand my family not trusting me with $, but it would be nice to get some food to eat,and gas in my car to go look for work and stuff like that,i was told by a friend that talked to my mom said that they are trying a different tatic in helping me i'm glad its working for them, but with me eh its making me even more deppresed and thinking more about suicide is the answer.,also i'm all the way down to 145lbs (i went to give plasma and found out i lost alot of weight) used to weigh 175lb, not anymore. also my pulse rate was way high to be giving plasma, so there went that shit. im signing off now, cant say what or where i'll be tommmorw but really dont care, thanks for being friends with me on bl, im outies,pce

hello folks, well if uve been keepin up with my life story in progress,shit hasnt been going as acording 2 plan. i'm still clean and sober, by only willpower, and the thought of having to take a drugtest for a damn good job that im trying to get.
last night really sucked because i had no where to sleep, so heres what i did.
started of going to an apartment complex, was like 12am, kicked my chair back, couldnt sleep so i hit up the waflle house n got some coffee and a waffle, and talked with a nice lady employee, she told me about her past troubles with drugs, and how she did some time n prison, after that i went to a lake near my moms house and tried to sleep again, no luck.. so went to a trail to sleep and maybe got 1-2hrs of sleep.this hasnt been the greatest day for me sofar. i did talk with my sponsor this morning and he gave me some more hope about getn thru this stage of my life, and how this will soon all be over. i sure fucking hope so because im getn tired of not sleeping well. still waiting on the job status at a huge steel plant here in town (and they require a clean drug test to work there) i already had the interview, and the guy susposedly said that he was going to hire me,he said in 2 weeks tho, and that was like last week, so the longer i wait, the longer i stay clean and the more positive ill be in the longrun.
also today i went to my old sober recovery place, and sorta wore my welcome out when the main dudes were there, the staff that was there was really happy to hear from me, but the head hauncho wasnt so happy. because i left my old halfway place so fast that i didnt clean anything up. so yea they were pissed at me about that, but ya kno wat? fuck em, i dont need any negative shit going on in my life atm, because im passed that shit now.
anyways, just got off the phone with someone at a college here in town where i took underground coal mining classes, so the lady is going to send me several job apps, and will get that shit rolling!!
im alive, and fucking godadmn happy to say im ok with where my life is at the moment because someday ill be able to look back at this shit and laugh, and help someone else thats going thru the exact same shit.

Hey,
Today is a new day, feeling pretty optimistic about what's been going on here lately. Was able to help a good friend of mine with abunch of my old cloths because he went to jail n his landlord gave all of his shit away,so my friend had only what he was wearing last night when he got outa jail. I felt bad because i've been in the same exact boat (but without any pants and 200 miles from home), so i hooked him up with some jeans,socks,tshirts,undies,and a hoody. Thats what it's about, helping him brought me outa self and was able to help a fellow brother. I left the meeting place with a smile on my face, and considering whats been going on, i could really care less. today i have some work to do so i'll make it short, going to call a few places about a job, and if that doesnt work out im not gonna let it bust my stride, i starting believe in "god things", for example, the whole roofing thing didnt work out, so it wasn't ment to be, I'm keeping all of the negative shit out, and just keeping the good vibes in.
cant say whats going to happen later, but jft i dont have to use to feel good, i know this by experience. I'm going on 2ish weeks clean, have to go a minute at a time sometimes, and a day at a time. using dope didnt even cross my mind yesterday, and nor will it today, im better then that shit.

hey,just a check in, got a job yesterday from a homegirl of mine, her brother has a construction bussiness, and said he needed some honest hard (drug free) workers, and i seemed to fit the job description! the work sucked for my first day(yesterday), pretty much i laid felt (the black shit) and hammerd some shingles up, oh and i didnt kno felt was made from fiber glass so my skins still burning, and the bundles of shingles weigh 150+lbs, so after hauling about 25 of those fucking things up a ladder things kinda suck before long :/, but ..its a fucking job amirite? until something better opens up for me down the road.
also i was able to stay here at my sisters place just for tonight (ithink), i hate putting her and her financea' in a posistion about me, because at the moment i have no home.. and i really do not like sleeping in homeless shelters/missions, because they suck. i once had a pride issue with that, but not anymore lol, funny how shit changes.. shes happy that i ahve a job, and working so things are starting to look up for me, still waiting on a few callbacks from some other jobs that ive put in, got 1 call back from a yard fertilizer company, and mite give them a ring or something. but have no mins for my phone.. but get paid every friday, and make about $100 a day, work 10hrs, so the work sucks, but im happy that im doing shit with my time now instead of sitting around at the libary till it closes (from 9am-8pm) .
anyways, cant say where ill end up tonight, but least i have a halfa tank of gas to ride until friday when i get paid, i could really use that $ to get a celly, and hell mayb one of those rent by the week typea cheapass hotels,. anyways still clean, havnt put in, but had afew triggers yesterday, but they went away as time passed. anyways i love you all as my family (those that care), and will try to make this a daily type of thingy. holla later,
pce
ds

My eyes snapped open at 7:45am today. I was never a morning person, and I still ain’t one. Early morning classes strewn slipshod through my weekly schedule has me realizing a new routine. Engineering starts early, goes til late, and the so-called professors find ways to mentally fuck the student body with diagrams that might well have been drawn by Escher himself, on top of assignments that simply cannot be completed for those of us who lack the ability to spontaneously manifest time.

I’ve been feeling bummed lately. I made the choice to come back to school and I decided on what I would study to propel me to a lofty career that would give me the self-respect I truly crave. Even still, flames of doubt lick at the back of my mind. There’s a fire burning back there, and I can’t see it in there but my mind feels smoked and exhausted enough that I know it’s there; consuming my hopes and dreams for fuel.

I miss work. Work was easy. I was treated with respect, paid for my time, and there was a comfy chair to sit in. Hell, I didn’t even have to wake up early. I’d show up around noon, after having the time in the morning to sleep in a bit and have a cup of joe I could savour. Then I’d fill a seat for the next 10 hours, walk 20 paces down the street to the local watering hole, drink with coworkers until we were too loud to contain then spill out into the parking lot to laugh and smoke and act like we shed a few years and were still just kids with life waiting for us.

Years later, it still feels like my life is waiting for me. With each month that passes, I get more and more attuned to the reality of that fact. Time passes and my fuck-ups seem to magnify while my successes seem too ancient to recount. It’s time for new successes, but how can I get at the challenges that are truly rewarding if I first must struggle through years more of school to get where I want?

I’m in limbo; too old to be at school on borrowed money, but too young to have a life established I can fall back on. My future is not here; not in this city, not in this country, not even on this continent. I know that because I’ve never felt like this is home. Home is where the heart is, they say, well my heart lies somewhere beyond the setting sun and I can hop on a plane and just go but I know I’ll never fit in or succeed there without this slip of fucking paper certifying that I know something because an eclectic panel of people raking in 100G+ annually have taken enough out of my wallet to agree to that. And so, my life is on hold until the day comes that I do get granted that paper worth more than gold.

Well, I suppose I’ll drink some wine now and peruse BL with subdued curiosity while I attempt to think my way out of my predicament, and into a life worth living.

Fuck my neighbour and his shitty, aggressive dogs.

I just snapped and submitted a complaint to Environmental Services (at 02:00 AM) about his lunatic dogs.

I've had enough. 18 months of patience is now threadbare.

If it takes a noise abatement order and some bad blood, then so be it.

Is there ever a point where discrimination might be fairly executed, when the receiver has made an ass of herself enough to warrant the need to be picked on relentlessly?

Is it always our actions that lead us to be discriminated? Is it the actions of others like us?

Is there such a thing as fair discrimination?

We talk about "oh that's what you get." It's like me, or you, or anyone else "deserves" the type of treatment we receive.

yea, so last night nsted of sleepn n my car i went to a shelter,. ive been there before on a xanax blackout, so thistime being sober thru that shit amazes me. oh yes, still sober. shit aint got no $, but have a dream to get $ someday,. shits sucks. ive been thinkkn bout the pursuit of happiness with willsmith, the shit he goes thru. gives me a ll hope, whats really keepin me clean is the thought of havin to take a piss test soon for a damn good job, i kno i got the job, jus waitin on the call. but for now, shits gonna fuckin suck, gonna live homeless fora while, but not gonna let it fuck my stride up. NOPE. im better then that, shit im here at the mc donalds parkin lot usin ther free wifi bcus i kno shits free, n i can sit out n my car. eh other then that shits been good, everyone at the homeless shelter, its a mission so its all about god, and etc.. and thats good n all, i could use some spirtuality, shit suckd tho, slept in a hallway with the lights on, but had one of my remeron sleepin pills so it sorta helpd, but other then that..they wokee everyone up like a quarter till 6am, we ate chickn n rice for breakfast, aint that some shit.. anyways mite end up goin back there tonite, jus a place to go, then hopefully i can start work tommoro and get on with lifes curve balls. since im runnin low on gas im really limited n where i can n cant go. but im still at a quarter tank so a lil ridin gas, nothn good. but better then none.. not sure howlong that will last tho.. :/
my head is held high, n not gonna let this fuckn discourage me to much, ive been down this road before n it sucks, here i am for another day, o and $3 richer then before.. so thats a galon of gas here,.. anyways ill upate later if i can, pce

I am trying to stay calm, but I just found out yesterday that she is pregnant. She is going to the doctor tomorrow. I tried to put her on birth control but she would swear to me that she wasn't having sex. That was 2 months ago. So WTF. Why would she throw her life away? Has she learned anything from my life? I wanted so much for her. Now she is going to struggle and that there is nothing I can do about it. All I wanted was the best for her, and now all can I do is be supportive? I am just so dissappointed. Things were going so well lately.
I am afraid the man I love is growing distant from things going on with everything, but then again he says he isn't so I will trust him. I can't wait to see him. I could use a good cuddle.
I really want things to work out with everything because I am ready to move forward and have love and a good relationship with my boyfriend. He is my everything, besides my kids. I want my oldest to have a good life because she is all I have from my first husband that passed, plus she is always going to be my baby. I just never seen her as having a baby.
Any advice would be appeciated.
Thanks, Stella

To me, a "normal" is somebody that doesn't use drugs and doesn't understand the culture and lifestyle of drug use. I've found so many to be close-minded and ignorant of the fact that a user is still a human being. I find that a lot of them have major superiority complexes and think that they're better for whatever reason.

Hanging around normals for me is so damn weird. They just simply don't understand what it's like to "live the life" associated with hardcore drug use. They think that smoking pot or doing the occasional Percocet makes them expert drug users. I remember somehow getting myself involved with the fundamentalist Christians who all talked about when they "lost their way" and "went bad" and drank, did drugs and God forbid SMOKED CIGARETTES. They pissed me off to no end because they were just so clueless. When I told them my story about what hard drug use is really like and the people that you meet and associate with in that life, they were terrified. They would ask stupid questions like "What's it like to be around someone carrying a gun?" my response: "Pretty normal, actually. Just don't piss em off". These fundies never knew what "going bad" was really like. I'm 2 years clean now and I still have SO much trouble associating with people that don't use or at least don't use heavy. It's just that I can't adapt to their mindsets. In a way, I really liked living on the edge, but unfortunately, that had to stop. Oh and another thing, these fundamentalists talked about hitting rock bottom. I had to fight hard not to laugh at what their idea of rock bottom was. They thought that rock bottom was drinking every weekend and occasionally smoking pot and taking E..... Anyone that's used hard knows what rock bottom is really like, and it's not something we go around telling stories about in fundamentalist church social groups, IMHO.

I finished my first Master's degree immediately after getting clean. How I pulled off doing most of it with a needle constantly in my arm is beyond me (I avoided the other grad students and hung around with my user crew). I'm going back for a second Master's, this time with a completely clean and sober head, and you know what? You'd think I'd be excited and full of hope, but I'm terrified. I may be clean, but it's the thought of just not knowing how to fully fit in with normal graduate students and adjust to the stress of a rigorous program without running to the pill bottle. Sure I'm on a bupe program and get piss tested weekly and everyone says that "It's been 2 years now, you should have willpower", but still, I'm scared shitless. I know who I can count on for support and I live by the "People, Places, Things" principle in recovery, but I'm just so clueless as to how to act around normals. I'm not saying I'm socially inept, it's just that I spent 10+ years of my life with users, so I know what makes users tick and I have a very specific idea of what a good time is to me. I can't size up normals as well and I don't know what they think is a good time, nor do I think I'd have fun with it at first. This is going to be the true test of my commitment to sobriety. It's just scary shit man. The irony is that I wasn't afraid to hang around with users and all sorts of sketchy and dangerous people, but I'm afraid to hang around with harmless grad students not out of fear for my safety, but out fear of rejection. I’ve found that recovery can make you really afraid to hang out with new people and equally afraid to hang out with your old buddies. Recovery sure can be lonely at times...

hey, er been a few days since i blogged. im here at the local public libaray so able to get on my laptop n fuck around on the internet until my dr.apt at 1:30ish, anyways last night was a first of me sleeping at a tuckstop here in uptown bham', shits nothing like camping. wokeup 2342 times, sweating,sticky, nervous, but CLEAN! wtf right? shit didn't even cross my mind to use... i mean i do have some 2cb, but fuck that shit when ur homeless having to sleep n ur car, ill jus save that until im better off, and with a tripping buddy..
i wont go into much detal because most of people know the outcomes, i was discharged from my IOP drug classes because i took a day off running around going to job interviews, so my counsler gave me some shit about that, and not having some of my asignments done, its not like i havnt learnt that shit before, so they were paying for my bed at the halfway house hell i was at, and since i didnt have the $ to stay, they asked me to leave. i left early because i couldnt take it anymore there, last night it was like a dope shooting party, and knowing that i have a drugtest coming up that was enough will power for me to say NO damnit and leave, i just told my thieving ass roomates that i was going to the store and just bounced, had my shit packed anyway (was around 10pmish), so i really had no where to go, no gas $, riding on a quarter tank, but clean. since my family turned against me(tough love shit), i couldnt go to them for help because how they worded it 'im a grown man', havnt talked to them since mothers day, and that was using a homeless persons cellphone to txt my mother happy mothers day.
i'm living the movie pursuit of happiness, but least i dont have a kid with me, shit woulda been awful(plus theres no more room in my car because its loaded down with so much fucking shit. so until i can get some $ coming in, im pretty much limited in what i can and cant do(such as driving around). shit sucks yo, for real. living my old life style,but clean and sober.
i dunno what to do tonight, trying not to think that far ahead, atleast for now im safe and drinking free libary coffee.
until next time

Well i havnt really been keeping up with my blog because i'm always on the move it's like.
Alot of stuff have happened since last.
Im living in a kind of sober living type house, which its a step up from rehab and halfway house. This is like the next step for folks getting of rehab you can say. Less structerd and rules but still have the ultimate rule which is not use drugs or alcohol. Ive broken one of those rules. I used drugs. Got back on heroin when i broke up with my ex thing.and turnd to drugs to help with those emotions that i was dealing with..never delt with such fuckd up emotions before in soberity. I have now but got high. I stayed getting high.shooting heroin atleast 5 times daily if not more. Shit was turning back again into an addiction. Spending $100 a day on h. When i ran out and pissd of my middle man because i didnt give him any i ended up getting on methadone. Thought it was a good idea because i wouldnt feel sick from getting off the h. That was mayb a month ago i got on mmt. And have been doing good since being on it. Now its turnd on me.i feel that im getting hooked to the h, i havnt yet experienced extreme wd from not taking it besides the sweats. The thing is im living in an envioment that is drug free and i can be pisstested at any given time. Methadone wasnt part of the deal of me moving here in this 3 quarters house ill call it. So it shows up on drugtests.. so im having to keep a hotel mouthwash sized bottle tuckd in my pants just incase i get peed. Its got a yello solution in it thats clean..
anyways the past 2 weeks have been good in my life. Not really a care in the world. Ive been house sitting watching my mom and stepdads place while they are having a time of their life in Hawaii. So i was left to take care of the critters. It was like living in heaven there. Had internet.huge flatscreen awezome bed.and place to my damn self. Shit was great, ive been taking my methadone all this time and been clean besides that.now my folks r back in town and my controlling stepdad wants to controll and manipulate everything. Wanted me out, and i told him ill leace today sunday. Got sick lastnight to.im guessing that it is my methadone. Like really nauseated. So he trips that im always sick blahblah. He doesnt kno that ive gone out of my time to keep his place safe and feed the animals.
Moms been cool to me, she gave me some suivoners and some hawiaan sugarcane.which looks tastey to chew on. She helped me out with some money and filled up my tank which was forty bucks. Got a full tank n it feels good riden around now. And knowing i can spend more money on methadone. Mom n i parted ways n i went to wallmart to do some grochery shopping at wallmart. Got wat i needed and made the shitty drive back to reality at my shotgun house. So when i got here the roomate whom i fucking hate had thought he could lock me out. He thought wrong. Im an addict whos lived on the street.. i know how to get in a house. Anyways i was able to get in the house and my room. I set a trap on my door so when i went to my parents i could tell if anyones been in and out of my room. Which the trap showed that someone has been in my room.
I havnt seen my room mate face to face yet. Im not going to because i dont want to get upset. Tonight im looking up ideas and ways that people have turned their car into a mobile home. I drive a 4door toyota camery so its like a basic car. Going to try and make it into an rv if i can find any plans..
Well thats up to my life at this moment. Ill keep informing when shit comes up.
Ds

"I'm all for evolution and stagnation causes death. Evolution of practices and ideas is what will ultimately prove for a great deal of entertainment in the near future.

The sky is indeed the limit, and human drama is the ultimate unabashed full-on guns blazing chimpanzees with automatic weapons and baseball caps form of entertainment."





Amen Ra Maladroit.

I have been celibate for a few months and I am dying for a hug.

I had no idea how much being untouched would make me feel so damn lonely.

I miss sex. My husband can't so I'm committed to that, as part of the changes I need to make in my life.

I asked him for a hug when I got back from out of town but he's too tired or not into it or whatever. He hugged me in a half hearted way.

I want to hug a man the way I do when I'm cumming, holding him into me with the muscles in my arms straining to pull the man into my heart and lungs.

I want to throw my legs over a mans lap and be encircled by his arms. I want to put my head down on his shoulder and feel him tighten his hold on my whole upper half, pulling my head down into his chest.

I don't have the option of doing those hugs with my husband. It's not his fault, but his legs are fucked. I can't put pressure on his legs and he can't lay on them. Ok I understand all of that and we do what we can and it's ok.

He is totally anti masturbation. I do it occasionally but it has lost it's luster for me because I can't hug myself the way I want.

I'm not talking about holding someone for 10 minutes. I'm talking about that thing where you are done fucking and the afterglow washes in and there is an intense few moments of tightening your arms around that person, burying your face in his or her neck or hair, and letting the physical pressure say what you know you never could.

I enjoy sex. I enjoy orgasms. I enjoy all the stuff I just wrote about. Excuse me while I just feel straight up sorrow as my favorite parts of life fall away. I am 12 years younger than my husband, so maybe when I reach into my 60s I won't miss it anymore.

That's a long time. To me it will be a very lonely time. I know there's a lesson I have to learn through this, so I can handle it. It is hard for me, like trying to kick... when I want to feel like I'm part of someone else and we are both part of something bigger than both of us, it's a desire every bit as strong as any desire I ever felt for oxycontin.

I am miserably lonely in my body.

My heart is broken. It's FUCKING BROKEN. I don't know if anything will ever feel ok again.

I've been drunk and/or stoned or high since Thursday.

I HATE AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.

Love just hurts. I hate it. I HATE IT.

I find myself listening to love songs, and thinking of him so much. This is so hard because he is so far away from me. We talk everyday, but it is just so hard, because I truly love and care for him deeply. He is planning a trip to see me next month and I am so excited. I mean, he is so talented and smart. He's funny, and loving. Not to mention so gorgous. I am so nervous. Even though I have known him for many years on the boards of bluelight and in private chats. We have became such close and dear friends, I find myself falling so hard. I just don't want to ever loss his friendship.
AM I crazy to take this chance? What if we are great together, or what if we loss our wonderful friendship? I want to move forward with him with all of my being, but I do worry. I wouldn't be Stella if I didn't, lol. Either way, I am taking the chance. I wonder how many BL couples make it? Can this be the new and in love me? I mean, I have been out, but I never had the connection I have with him. So why not just go with it. Whats the worst thing....I could be a happier person lol......

waves rolling
sand digesting
thunder illuminating
trees swaying
shadows dancing
fire breathing

Hey..havnt blogd na bit. Sorta needa i guess. Just got released from the psych ward/detox for Methadone addiction.which suckd because they dont give you suboxone or any of that good shit . Just gave me clonidine,fenobarbitol, and some other weak shit. So for 5 days in there i sweated it out which was fuckin miserable. Now im released and in a halfway house type deal in the freekn hooood! Like ive already got heroin connections when i first pulled up here. But its something i gota do man in order to get into a even better rehab program. All i know is i was evicted from my last place of residence bcus of the methadone and still got all my shit there,which i hope i can get a majorty of it tommorow. Also start classes at this place from 9-3 or something and going to get my sister to scoop me up i hope to get some bedsheets n blankets n my shit ya kno? Still sorta detoxing from the methadone which sucks fucking balla because it feels awful.google methadone wd,thats all what im feeling and all i got is some ib prophins,like that shits gonna do anything.. well trying to keep high spirits about the deal.im pretty much on my own here,parents told me ther cutting my fancy phone off so dunno,hopefully ill blog again.love ya all,peace

eh,
(ill just copy paste a msg to a friend and add to it later).
today hasn't been a good day for me, was just discharged from IOP because it took me to long to find labcorp(drug testing place), my counsler wouldn't go into details. which maybe this is a blessing in it's self. because this means i'm able to find a job and work full time now. Still a little upset because the place i am living at was being paid by the IOP place for me to live there, so now this means i'm going to HAVE to find a job in order to remain there. Not going to let this fuck my shit up, this is only a minor setback, atleast i still have my car, and some other things.
--
So now i'm not having to go to fucking stupid ass drug classes from 8-5 every day of the week, so instead i'll be able to get a job and work, wait let me rephrase that;I'm GOING to have to get a job and work because if not then I'll have no where to go, besides a shelter or sleep in my car. still have like 6 bigass black garbage bags full of my cloths among abunch of other shit at this halfway house that i'm at. I'm going to talk with the director tonight whenever i get around there and plead with him about keeping me a spot there until i'm able to work and pay rent. I'm sure he's going to ask why i was dischraged from there, and im pretty fucking sure my cockassfaggit counsler has already called him and told him that i was kicked out of the program, i still don't know all the fucking details, but have a dr.apt monday at 2:45 with my dr, to try and maybe get into the evening classes, because id really like to be able to get a job and work during the days. Got a veryyyy imporntant email today from a supervisor that works at one of the local coal mines, so would really like to get a chance and talk with him asap, will ask the libary if i can use their phone to call my ride or make something up to be able to use the phone, sucks not having a phone. best way to contact me is thru my email, or facebook, which i only check that shit once a day,whcih maybe for the best because i was spending like all day on the shit when i was on methadone because i didn't give a fuck.
will let my blog readers know what goes on later tonite and if i am still around tommorow.

a continuation...



The arms trade in Smugglers Bazaar, in Peshawar, Pakistan, is actually supplied by a non-descript village in an adjoining province. The village, Del Adem Khan, is populated by a clan, the Adem Khel, members of a Pashto (Pashtun aka Pathan aka etc. and so forth), the Afridi. For many centuries the Adem Khel have made custom weapons manufacturing their bread and butter. One need only bring with them a simple illustration from a magazine or book and the gunsmiths of the Adem Khel will furnish a one off in perfect working order, from single shot 22 caliber pen and umbrellaguns on up to 90 caliber recoiless rifles.

The custom arms trade centered in the Philippine municipality of Danao on Cebu Island, in contrast, has a far less storied history. Dating only to WWII and the USAFE-led guerilla campaign against the brutal Japanese Occupation, the trade-while held tightly within tge grips of a few concentrated families, is neither as jealously guarded, nor creatively undertaken as its Pakistani counterpart in Dhel Adem Khel. The most one can reasonably hope to acquire is a spiffy AR15, or more rarely, a 60MM mortar setup with requisite shells.

On Mindanao Muslim insurgents build exotic animals like RPG3s and.50 caliber sniper rifles, thpugh both are merely good for a few rounds before endangering operators and anyone. within the critical radius...the opetative point here being, north of Mindanao the most one may personally use, for self protection, are handguns. Being a foreigner, I rarely trouble myself with carrying north of Cebu Island. Dont get me wrong, Luzon-especially Metro Manila-has endemic violence. However, it is of a much more random nature and more often than not, environmentally related than that which one faces in Mindanao. Therefore, watch your "ps & qs" and one should really run less of a risk than one might face in any urban American neighbourhood.

So it was that I found myself on that New Years Eve busride out of Manila without any meaningful self protection as I made my way 2 hours north to the capital of Southeast Asian vice, Angeles City. Joysa's Aunt Gemma lives Malabacat, a suburb of Angeles proper. So, to simplify my trip, Joysa and I planned to meet in the Angeles Bus Terminal. Perhaps the only thing worse than being in Angeles, is travelling to Angeles. The erstwhile.pimps, often brothers-and even fathers of semi-professional prostitutes begin bugging you even before you take your seat. Virtually every Philippine bus plays bootleg DVDs to distract passengers from the noxious fumes, shockless carriage, and mind numbing trafficjams. As I watched a poorly manufactured copy of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," a hopeful bloke.in his laye 20s began foisting off photos of his scantily clad wife ("Sir Joe, this is Princess Diana Integrityanne, she is my wife but we are very poor. Perhaps we may help each other?" tge name "Joe" being applied to all white men).

Despite the lackluster entertainment, I managed to arrive in Angeles just after 7PM. I was glad to see Joysa waiting for me as I stepped into the hustle, bustle, and din of the Angeles Bus Terminal. Even close hugging is not often seen in public in the Philippines. Nevertheless, Joysa nearly jumped into my arms as she showed me how deeply she had missd me. Of coyrse this merely served to make me feel even MORE guilty than I already did...and damn, I felt mad guilty.

Finding the right Jeepney, we climbed aboard, paid our fares, and off we went to Aunt Gemmas and my extremely intetesting New Years Eve...

To be continued...

I used to work in a busy hospital. For 8 years, to be exact. I've seen some crazy shit, especially since I worked the ER. I wasn't a nurse or anything, just support staff, but support staff are the eyes and ears of a hospital. Anyways, I have some surgery coming up and I'm really nervous about it. I have an awesome anesthesiologist and a great surgeon that I hand-picked, but I'm still scared shitless. I've never been put completely under before. The most I've had with anesthesia was conscious sedation (fentanyl+midazolam+nitrous) for wisdom teeth. I'm worried about all of this because I'm worried about the meds that I'm prescribed interacting with the anesthetic, especially my bupe. I'm afraid the bupe is going to have a major interaction with the Diprivan that they're going to likely use. I know that anesthesiologists are experts and take this all into consideration, but still, I also worry about under-sedation and waking up under the knife. The surgery's recovery is apparently a bit on the painful side, or so I'm told. I'd rather not talk about what the surgery for. I'm also worried about my recovery, especially if I'm prescribed a narcotic for the postoperative pain. My addictions doc said tramadol or low-dose Nucynta would be allowable, but even then, I just don't want to come close to risking losing everything I've gained in recovery. I know it sounds paranoid to think like that, but recovery is incredibly important to me (as I'm sure everyone can tell ) .

Anyone that's had surgery, can you tell me what it's like to go through it? I've seen the procedures done to people a bunch of times working at the hospital, but I've never actually experienced them. I guess it's kinda ironic that someone who worked in a hospital would be nervous as hell about surgery .

The idea of a career has never appealed to me. It kind of puts off the whole 'be all you can be' imo. I mean how many people do you see after they get there masters in jerking off do u see continuing to educate themselves in different subjects? I could only name 2 or 3 at best that I've personally met in my lifetime. Instead they choose to isolate themselves into one subject, go knee deep into it and think they've already worked towards an abundance of knowledge. This idealogy leaving most useless when confronted by a situation outside of their profession. Minds abit mumbled, ill try to clarify later--

ANYWAY

I planned on getting into pharmacology/pharmacy but I'm now a bit hesitant due to how easy a medical license can be suspended or even revoked here in california. Drug charges in particular, I being a "drug seeker" fear that one day ill get caught up and that pathway would be burned.It won't stop me from educating myself in the subjects but I wouldn't aim for those particular careers anymore.

So I've always had a large interest in physiology/anatomy. I enjoy working with sciences, however am pretty bad with mathematics but I'm determined in doing whatever it takes to get to the 'goal'. Anyway id love to have a job involving that said above, I'm a bit curious about veterinarians, coroners actually. I dunno.

update: [ethno]botany seems interesting.

Smile pretty for the camera as God rips parts of your soul out. Good times, right?

Borrowed title.

Earlier in the week:

10/15

Inomniatic expression of time utilization with the help of the cannabinoid and dissociative class of medicines in the subjects personal repertory. A consistant plus one feeling of peace and contemplative come surorunds the sens throughout the day, brief nap was excercised from midday to midafternoon. Hopelessly stoned, creatively useful, excessively social and talkitive. Clear and concise. I should feel as such each day and make it my duty now to do so come hell or heaven below us.




A definitive accute philosophical and emotionally medicinal and pleasant afterglow of the mind of wakeful dreaming. The mind and the body are on the same team and getting SERIOUS. Brain areas in gilded cooperation in hopes of fueling a mechanical and shingingly bright imagination full of ideas and past insights, from both others and myself. A brilliant day, 3:30 PM

10/16 Wednesday 6:03

Awoke abruptly at 5om. Sprung up with vigorous resolve and an umbridled intent; to put it country simple, wired, determined and hopelessy bored. Must flee.


[url]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v614/asxwexfall/2012-05-16063131.jpg[/url][img]

Check transactions and postal statuses on the "inter-web" archives of current information and leave. I have little gas in the vehicle, yet ten hours to chew through before work and serious responsibility strips me of my leisure (or is it real work?, keep an eye on that) so fuck gas.

I've enough cash for a quick breakfast, showering before hand and briefly dressing, dorning a colorful set of garb picked out wantonly as the electricity in my nerves moved my actions toward complete resolution.

I'm in a bagel shop writing feverishly and simultaneously reading the N.Y. times, as I like to torture my self a little bit in the morning to ready me for the agony of the day. Also for balance I have a copy of an informational book on the I ching, but I'm in no mood for reading. I'm sitting here wondering on how I can go about wasting this morning without involving sleep, apathy, cheap excuses and the like. I'll postulate a few essay questions I've been meaning to have a go at:'

1) How does one short-circuit control? Leaving this one vague for fun.

2) Okay. So you've been born into this endless, meagical universe. It's yours, because your reality is the only true thing you'll ever know, regardless of who shares it with you and at what time period. What do you intend to do with it?

This is just another valid question I'm asking for the sake of it. Why isn't the library open 24 hours? Seven Eleven is and I think that says a lot about the state of intellectualism in this country. Cut cops salaries and hire librarians around the clock. I NEED that place in the 5-9 hours, not the adverse. CHECK INTO THIS IT MAY BE IMPORTANT.

Oh how ye loathe writing upright confined to a stationary vehicle, but get used to it, Jim. Although retreating to the warm and weatherless sanctuary of the car is enticing and useful, tough titty on the writing situation. Plenty of times to record information and you can't be worried about finding a desk and a fucking chair, not until you can afford the proper voice recording device. Stay on task. Right. Besides, Analog and Digital skills are both damned requirements in this trade, so learn to hack it good on both ends. The polarity is impeccable. Can't be in the amazon with a snootfull of plant extract and a bare-assed Indian beside my worrying about service for my "galaxy note." I don't own one by the way, and that's beside the point. Point is I'm writing this with my hands, and will transcribe and edit simultaneously once back at the house, at least until the damn library opens and I can find some peace there to reflect and finish that damn paper and some books. God where've we traversed, fucking ad libbing bullshit. I'll continue.

[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v614/asxwexfall/2012-05-16063131.jpg

Finished off a coffee - too manic to remain stationary on a mean, cloudless bog of a day. It feels like New Orleans after the last day of Monsoon Season, horrible fog. Drove down to a dead end peer to see the atlantic view point, some finely tuned music, silent introspection, and perhaps even a touch of inpersational direction. It rains heavily from time to time and I can't see 3 feet in front of my eyes but I've got time - one can manage to get quite a bit accomplished in the 9-5 hours. I'm sure you've also noticed the antomity in that statement, I'll elaborate with my usually precise logic as best as I can.

Once the insects awake and start unulating and consuming around and about in the town in a great swarm of low IQ's and fat pocket-books I'll probably need some kind of impressively powerful drug to deal with it. Extremely potent, high grade Cannabis Indica would certainly do the trick, or the speed; but I'm saving that for a different breed of stormy day that doesn't inherently or necessarilly refer to any kind of weather experience.

"I heard a woman on the radio tell me they were going to have a rain event, I jumped up and shouted "HOT SHIT I BETTER GET TICKETS TO THAT!"

Yes, uncle George comes to mind, and right he is.



Likely I'll go the day sober and why indeed not? Might serve useful and I'm in a positively determined and focused mood. Diet change, smoking and alcohol cessation, benzo drop to 1mg, occasional use of cannabis and dissociatives. Methoxetamine has been a huge spiritual help, and dextromethorphan in any dose helps with cognition and tolerance. Eating regularly and healthy too. Stretching and yoga come next. Climb the latter, on this rotten day sobriety may serve useful.

The rain has died down a bit and I think I'll venture a peak. Everything has an opalescent gray to it, though looking through tinted living glass. Everything moves, the space is visible to remind us of interconnectivity and oneness, but enough of that shit. Off to take a gander at the ocean I fully intend to return myself to the earth with.

Not any time soon mind you, just once the organism (package of flesh tended and bones my consciousness drags around looking for fun) loses vitality or/and existence is functionally useless for me. Self-whacking anasethetic doses of widely available arylcyloheylamines and drowning talk, what a deserprately grim entry that would prove, and a deadly tangent to wander into so I'll stop it at the line. Let it be known that I hate puns with vociferous, passionatetly psychotic vigor, as I'm sure you good, clean honest Americans do, and the phonetic anomaly was nothing more than a coincidence. Caio for now.

Nothing out there but dampness and sea gulls, and any bird dumb enough to hanging onto a pier on a day like this should have his mammalian head examined. Bird psychiatry, now theres a thought. Mental note. Fuck all that for now, time for a fast drive to a location unbeknownst at this time, maybe I'll regroup and get this into print, editing in an installment later. But I'll end on that note as Lenny Bruce once did, quoting "I never met a dyke, I didn't like."

-Sala Y.B.

An Addendum:

First Conversation of the Day.

(7:36:40 AM) Thou: You're probably not awake, but good morning
(7:36:41 AM) S(7:39:30 AM) Sarah: Buenos dias
(7:39:49 AM) Thou: aloh bella seniorita!
(7:40:01 AM) Thou: We could have used a translator in the tattoo shop yesterday lol
(7:40:09 AM) Thou: I've been writing since 5 am.
(7:40:12 AM) S: Soulmate energies and issues are waking me.
(7:40:37 AM) S: Lol, lo siento. Ahorita, no puedo traducir mucho
(7:41:16 AM) S: Estoy cansada (tired) quiero dormir (i wanna sleep )
(7:43:24 AM) Thou: I have know idea what you just said, but it's cheered me up immensely.
(7:43:38 AM) Thou: I was insomniatic the other day, helps me creatively. Now I'm just stoned.
(7:44:00 AM) Thou: Still from last night, it's pleasant and better at producing clear thoughts and ambition than adderall.
(7:45:07 AM) Thou: Did my soul awake you? I'm sorry.

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