day #2 sleeping in car.

hello folks, well if uve been keepin up with my life story in progress,shit hasnt been going as acording 2 plan. i'm still clean and sober, by only willpower, and the thought of having to take a drugtest for a damn good job that im trying to get.
last night really sucked because i had no where to sleep, so heres what i did.
started of going to an apartment complex, was like 12am, kicked my chair back, couldnt sleep so i hit up the waflle house n got some coffee and a waffle, and talked with a nice lady employee, she told me about her past troubles with drugs, and how she did some time n prison, after that i went to a lake near my moms house and tried to sleep again, no luck.. so went to a trail to sleep and maybe got 1-2hrs of sleep.this hasnt been the greatest day for me sofar. i did talk with my sponsor this morning and he gave me some more hope about getn thru this stage of my life, and how this will soon all be over. i sure fucking hope so because im getn tired of not sleeping well. still waiting on the job status at a huge steel plant here in town (and they require a clean drug test to work there) i already had the interview, and the guy susposedly said that he was going to hire me,he said in 2 weeks tho, and that was like last week, so the longer i wait, the longer i stay clean and the more positive ill be in the longrun.
also today i went to my old sober recovery place, and sorta wore my welcome out when the main dudes were there, the staff that was there was really happy to hear from me, but the head hauncho wasnt so happy. because i left my old halfway place so fast that i didnt clean anything up. so yea they were pissed at me about that, but ya kno wat? fuck em, i dont need any negative shit going on in my life atm, because im passed that shit now.
anyways, just got off the phone with someone at a college here in town where i took underground coal mining classes, so the lady is going to send me several job apps, and will get that shit rolling!!
im alive, and fucking godadmn happy to say im ok with where my life is at the moment because someday ill be able to look back at this shit and laugh, and help someone else thats going thru the exact same shit.

 

I'm glad to hear you're clean and have a few things going for you that might lead to the prosperity you deserve.

I'm in a similar state right now, just laid off which sucked because I was contemplating sleeping out of my car a month or two to save money for a move (impossible to save money paying 600 a month to rent a room I barely use and in a house I avoided like the plague because of disability and welfare trash who simply could NOT mind their own business and leave me alone.) Last week the alternator went and took that paycheck, and my next will pay off the rest. When it rains it pours.

Last week the living situation came to a head with the slimy cunts I've been sharing a flat with for the past three months or so that culminated in me just packing and leaving. We can talk about me later, long story short I'm with you, friend.

I'm more or less clean myself although the only drug that's caused me trouble these last few years had been alcohol, but of course that's imo the worst and I've managed to avoid the booze despite having to room with my mother again who drinks openly and freely in front of me, which I don't condemn I've made peace with it. Besides, my body simply put up a fence to alcohol last month and it is terrible work choking down any alcoholic beverage due to gastritis, and my anxiety meds shit on ethanol anyhow. Horrible drug.

It's important to stay busy while unemployed and to keep active human contact via the form of conversation with worthy candidates. I mention this in response to what you said about "wearing out one's welcome." I'm highly introverted, both naturally and by choice in that if the conversation isn't worthwhile, I'll typically remain constricted to the polite and brief formalities and remain firm in my gracious desire to keep quiet and continue my activities without interruption. Every now and again I'll find a conversation I can really sink my teeth into, and a person I relate to wholeheartedly or at least intellectually (often introverts themselves). This is where I find trouble not overstepping my bounds and becoming a pest (low self-esteem), but sometimes I've been starved to the point where I just can't help but talk expansively on any subjects that happen to come up, always allowing a counterpoint, but at times talking way too fast and frantic through pent up ideas. It's a lonely life being this way, doubt I'd trade it for anything. The only pitfall is my ADD and how it gets me on these crazed tangents. I just downloaded a virtual voice recorder for my phone free of charge, so using it in these circumstances has been wonderful and will hopefully help in future writing endeavors, as well as serving as a fine chance to critique and evolve my own communication skills.

I do enjoy speaking to strangers casually like the smalltalk you brought up at the waffle house. Tape recorder comes in handy here, too. Hand scrawled notes work, but the tape recorder is my new favorite piece of technological artillery in documenting and transcribing casual conversational data. Free application PM for a download if you're interested.

I can see from your blog you enjoy writing and you're very intelligent, are you a writer in any other discipline? On life experience alone, you seem to have all the makings of a really good writer. That's a great way to understand something is by sitting down and writing about it, I've found. Or art? I'm no artist otherwise I'd be pursuing a tattoo career, but my younger sister is and she just started apprenticing and learning to pierce. If you're an artist and want a lax and high-paying job in a comfortable environment surrounded by [usually] wonderful socially apt people, clients and artists alike, I'd highly recommend this line of work. It's hard as hell and you'll be struggling at first for no pay, but after a year or two you'll be in and can only develop your talent from that point on. Job security is amazing once you're established with a strong portfolio and good references (the latter being far less important than good artwork under your belt) and you can literally find work anywhere worth going. Sorry to prattle on, but I know you draw and have yet to find an industry within the system that seems so much beyond the capitalist nonsense and lack of self-worth most jobs these days provide.


Not to beat a dead horse but just wanted to reiterate before I go how proud we all are of you, not to get too sappy on you and hopefully I'm using the right phrasing, maybe impressed would be a better word if 'proud' isn't the right fit (wish I could think of a better synonym but I'm shot ATM). I know life has been a cold-hearted cunt to you since age 17 or so. Going through those kinds of visceral substance problems with little support and living through it with little familial support at this juncture where that kind of thing is needed the most, and persevering, shows a strength I'm still at this very time trying to attain for myself. Although we battle [somewhat] different demons, I feel we can find a great deal of strength in our collective plights (for we never truly are separate, are we? All is one and whatnot) and I hope we can keep a closer dialogue with one another. I've also been admiring your posts in the dark side and hopefully I'll have more time myself until I find employment to make contributions there, probably the most humanitarian action a bluelighter can take is reading through 5 pages of posts there as often as one can, and if possible posting where its warranted. That's why I don't really post in the lounge or other forums besides Trip Reports and Blogs, there just isn't that much value in it for me anymore. No validity, no sense of community. Having a sense of humor is important, but even then I can think of 5 subforums off the top of my head where I'd rather exorcise my funny bone than the lounge, it just doesn't make any sense to me any more.

Sorry that was one king-hell bastard of a tangent and I'll wind this up before we run out of carbon on this planet. Shoot me a PM anytime, I can give you my IM details through there.

Your friend,

Thou

 

hey thou,
thanks for the moral support in all of this, it feels good when one can relate to my story, or can have that anxiety about having to do certian things. outside of bl i really dont have any 'friends' that don't do drugs, and the ones i'm aquainted with are so stuck up that i want nothing 2 do with em.
glad u got outa that situation u wer in at that place, thats good u still have ur mom to go back 2, because of my evil step father and the shit he puts into my moms head. thanks thou