Blogs

If you want to live
Treat me good
If you want to live, live
I beg you treat me good

I'm like a walking razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous
Said I'm dangerous

I'm like a walking razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous
Said I'm dangerous

If you are a bully
Treat me good
If you are a bully, a bully
I beg you treat me good

I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

If you are a chucky
Nobody chucky from me
If you are a chucky, a chucky
Nobody chuck from me, yea

I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

I'm like a chopping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

If you eat asphalt
I beg you treat me good
If you drink lead soup
You better treat me good

I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

If you are bull bukka
Nobody buk from me
If you are duppy
You move away from me

I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

I'm like a stepping, walking
I'm dangerous, dangerous

If you want to live
Treat me good
Warning you if you want to live You better treat me good

I'm like a stepping, walking, cutting, flicking,
Jumping, chopping, walking
I'm dangerous
I'm dangerous
I'm like a stepping, jumping, flicking, bumping, boring
I'm dangerous
I'm dangerous

If you drink mortal
Treat me good
And if you eat brick
Treat me good

I'm like a flashing laser and a rolling thunder
I'm dangerous
I'm dangerous
I'm like a stepping razor
Don't you watch my size
I'm dangerous, dangerous

Treat me good
If you want to live
You better treat me good

You don't through a fifth of the trilliation
I go through,
Only a name would be here to represent

If you want to live
You better treat me good
You could a drink lead soup
I'm dangerous
You could a eat asphalt
I'm dangerous
You could a eat brick crackers
I'm dangerous
I saw the sun
Fucking dangerous

Peter Tosh | Stepping Razor

I don't know what I'm going to end up doing... What sort of depraved, sickening thing will I do?

Suicide attempts are so cliche. And I don't want to just attempt... I want to be successful... Perhaps 10 days from now my liver will fail and that will be the end of me.

Nice to know you all.

Well, some of you.

The rest of you were just dirty fucking junkies and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Feel free to sort it out amongst yourselves.



I think I have a train to catch...

I've always enjoyed poetry and writing in general. I guess you could call it my hobby and maybe even my passion.

For years now I've been juggling with the notion, that we are more than physical beings, that we have a soul(spirit) and we will only find out what's truly out there when we die. I'm in no hurry to find out, I enjoy my physical existence, I enjoy feeling new feelings and experiencing what the physical world has to offer me. But I am always left wondering. What are we? What more is there? I don't really want to go into a huge ramble about it, it's late and I'm drugged up . But I'd like to post a poem based around this idea... that we are spirits caged in a physical word, until we are released at death.

We Are But Beings

To be caged, like an animal.
And an animal, I may be.
But can't you see,
what I can see?
Our being.
It glimmers.
with peace and grace,
Yet we've been locked away,
in this institutional space.

I'm not angry about it.
not at all.
I know one day, this world will fall.
If anything, I feel sorry for you, I honestly do.
Because you can't see the beauty.
So real, so true.

An in the end, we will smile and wave.
When your reign falls, an heavens cascade.
The cages will open and we will be set free.
To live our lives, how it ought to be.

Another bottle. What are you waitin for? Chirrosis
The doctor said STOP
You're only 32 and somewhat healthy.
YEAH but you're not 22 get it together.
But I'm still somewhat healthy.
NO YOU'RE NOT and even if you were you're not living your life
you're 32 and live with your parents WAKE UP

>.<
my head hurts, but in the tense way where you can't get your jaws to be comfortable, and it's been hurting since around noon. i take care of a thirteen year old girl with major disabilities, and i hate to say it but she stresses me out so much sometimes that i can physically feel the effects. of course, i have smoked at least seven cigarettes today, and haven't really eaten well, but it's been too hot and i've been too busy either chasing Remmy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) or trying to peel her off of me to eat anything proper. i do also like to sit down and eat with people who i can converse with, she not being one of them (she's non-verbal). my family (my sister and my mom) never ever eat together either, and that kind of bothers me as much as trying to keep Remmy from pinching, biting, or slapping me. being twenty years old, one can only expect so much as far as family meal time goes, but people at work talk about how they eat with their family every single night and it kind of bothers me, especially since i never had that growing up. it also bothers me how Remmy's family has 6 kids, and all but Remmy are in sports, which i never had the opportunity to do as a child either. sometimes i wonder if i had done as many fucked up things had i been involved in sports, etc., but on the same token, i was "that kid" that had to do things the fucked up way, partially because even if i did the right thing, the same outcome would occur as if i had done the wrong thing. anyways, on the topic of family and not eating together, i've really been thinking about moving up state, to live with a good friend, or moving to an apartment of my own. either way, i would like to be out of the house by winter. i'm actually kind of obsessing over the thought of moving up north, and i've kind of slightly committed to Lindsay. (again, names have been changed to protect the innocent.) i've actually been stringing Lindsay along for years, putting off the day when i actually move up there. i stayed with her once for a week, and all we did was party. granted, that was in my active using days, but i'm not even technically in recovery, i'm just staying sober out of absolute necessity... i'm afraid that she doesn't take my recovery seriously, and i'm afraid that quitting two jobs to move up north would be completely foolish. on the same token, her and i have been amazing friends for years, and she was there for me when nobody else was. and i'm sick of this god-awful town, in the middle of a shit state. also, moving out on my own would cost a tremendous amount of money, none of which i have saved at the moment, and if i moved in with Lindsay then we would split rent, utilities, etc. i always have wanted to move away, but i also think that i might be noticing a pattern in my travels, and that is that whenever it's time for me to do something on my own, aka get an apartment, car or job, i always move. being an addict not in recovery, i also am terrified of what the future holds for me, especially since right now i can at least coast on the two jobs that i've got and using a car of my mom's, but something in me is telling me not to be a 'coaster.' i've always hated people who coast and settle down and accept growing up and maybe that's the rebel in me, the addict that says "fuck the man." i also for the first time in a long time have something to lose. i've been running over this again and again in my head, to no avail. i have some weird fight/flight drive, i tell you. i'm just afraid that i'm going to fuck myself over again and come running back to mommy, like i did last year when i high-tailed it out of colorado almost as fast as i high-tailed it there. i'm sick of failure, and i'm sick of this rut. i'm sick of being in this small town, and i'm sick of being sick. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/A5GYOsKLp6o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> blahhhh. growing up suckss. i want anything but where i'm at in life, and i don't know how to do anything about it. all of my friends from high school are gone, and they were just party buddies anyways. my little sister is here, but i'm such a loser that i can't even be a respectable big sister to her. i have told her that i wouldn't go anywhere until she graduated because this house is falling to shit and she doesn't want to be alone, but this house is falling to shit and i don't want to see it happen. i don't want to leave her alone again though, which is what i did when i moved to colorado... but fuck this, typing it out isn't helping like i had hoped, it's just making my insanity public so i'm out, i need to eat some food, maybe take a shower and pass the fuck out cause i've got to work at nine. *rat racin' it, FTFW

There's nothing good about it.

I've had one awesome in my life and he's been gone for 2 years now. I used to give a shit, when I was too young to know any better.

I used to try, when I was too young to know any better.

Really nothing to do anymore except wait for death.

With a turkey sandwich and some therapy.

I took 30grams of APAP with 600mg of oxycodone in the past 3 days... I don't feel too bad just yet... I have about 2 more weeks to go and see if my liver starts to fail or not.

Fucking me and my lazy fucking stupid self, I just kept popping 5/325s like a fucking moron and I hate myself for it.

Kids, do not take 30,000mg of APAP in a 3 day period. WTF is wrong with me. Do as I say not as I do. I could have done a simple CWE and now I wouldn't be worrying about liver failure. And my girlfriend wouldn't be self-harming because I fucking told her what I did like an idiot. But I guess it would be better than her not knowing why I died suddenly and randomly in 2 weeks.

Oh well, I'll just go to therapy and eat this turkey sandwich and not even bother worrying till I'm either in agonizing pain or it's been more than 2 weeks. I've got about a week till I can get some money... perhaps sooner if these fuckers sent my last check in the mail. I don't have high hopes for either.

FUCK, it's cold.

I've always gotten in trouble for being clumsy and accident prone.

When i was younger, i would patch up my sibilings without throwing a fit like my parents. I used to know how to show compassion. I barely leave the house anymore...i don't care for appearances. It is getting darker.

He yelled at me the night i rode my bike into a pole and the side of my head stopped me. I saw the pole, then was in the street with the side of my head swollen and strangely mushy. Instead of showing concern, he was angry. Today i was yelled at for grease splattering my face and eyes.

I fear i have two shadows, and one is posed ready to consume me.

Everyone who says they love me is always so angry and negative. All i want is peace and i'm exhausted from a lifetime of clumisily tottering from eggshell to eggshell.

I think i want to be alone.

I'm probably destined to be alone.

"don't tell the others. They'll only laugh."

And there's too much turmoil to find piece...peace...

"I can't think...i...don't know...I...i...i...icecream...icecream...icecream..."

If i were a program, i wouldn't run. self not defined. I just return errors. Can't be saved.

Once i found solice in books. Maybe i was trying to find myself...can such a thing could be found walking the aisles in darkness amongst the bound leaves from the forests of Vashta nerada?

I have two shadows...soon...i'll be ghosting.

Can, i too, be saved?

It's been a hot weekend here in the 'ham, the heat radating from the asphalt makes it 10x hotter then more country/woody areas, another reason why I do not want to be here. Minus all the empty syringes and can bottoms I find a source of somewhat clean water from a gas station and fill my water ug and head back to my car, (spilt water on my keyboard the other night so the letter inbetween the h and k doesnt work".
Last night I debated weather or not I wanted to go catch a $1 movie at the local theatre, and since I was tired I decided not to, because the night before I went to catch a movie and nod'd all the way through it so don't remimber much of it. Thinking about going to catch 'the raven' at 2:00pm today because I have nothing better to do with my time. It's fucking sunday aint shit worth doing anyway if your not working, and have no place to live.might as well reak the benifits of this life before shit catchs up with me.
Ended up almost overdosing last night, or did but didnt relise it until after it hit me, the buz was good but then started to nod further and further into a deep nod, where i could hardly stay awake. shit had me scared for a minute then i relised that if i ever planned to overdose on purpose again this is what it would feel like, so now I'm somewhat firmilar with the feeling, i've already overdosed before in my life, and it happened so quick that i dont recall what the hell happened,ust woke up with EMTs sticking shit in my arm that wasn't dope.narcand myass.
Enough of that shit, now here I sit at mc donalds, my favorite free wifi spot, saved my $1 styrofoam tea cup about a week ago and been enoying free drinks ever since. well not free because ive spent loads of $ here, more like redeeming my points. Since no work on the weekends been trying to make the most of my time and spend it on tinychat, someones usualy in their some hour of the day, and its good to feel somewhat support from others when ur out there alone.
been a fucking hot weekend here, man and its suposd to get hotter. what kind of shit is this?wears winter when u need it, got a warm blanket but what shit is that supposed to give me when its hot outside? all i can do is ust try and cool off in my car, or go do something that doesnt require much if any money, or free. and most free type places only allow u to spend somuch time there before they kick u to the street,which is why im not able to stay at the homeless shelter here in town, already stayed a week there, and cant stay longer then that, so it really sucks if u ask me, but its all good for now, things could be a hellva lot worst.
so i made my mind up, today at 2:50 going to go catch a movie, and hang around till bed time. going to sleep earlier tonight because im going to have to show up to the labor finder place at 5am this morning, and my gas tank is looking prety dry, wish i hadnt spent my $20 on dope, coulda spent it on some other things like gas instead. but owell, hopefully monday i dont do the sameshit.rather not even think about it.
well thats it for now, hopefully ill b able to update later, peace

So...on New Years Eve, Joysa and I made our way into Tita (Auntie) Gemma's little get together in Angeles City, 2 hours north of Metro Manila. As I have noted Gemma, an ex whore, has a daughter, Maikhee, usually referred to as "Khee," the product of one of her paid liasons in Japan. Khee, a beautiful girl, sadly chose a local ne'er do well named Josh with which to waste her youth.

Quickly getting pregnant-on purpose-Khee dropped out of university and did her best to quickly become one of the unwashed legions that collectively form the great underbelly of one of Southeast Asia's poorest nations. Having her child, she set about breaking the record for closest consecutive pregnancies...while young Josh went to work on a blossoming addiction to liquid benzodiazepines. Khee, with two infants, took a position in one of the many call centres dotting the former American air base, Clark.

When Joysa realised I was with Lovely, shortly before this New Years get together, she suprised me by asking to be my #2 wife, or concubine. Although it is not unknown in Jewish Culture, we after all are polygamous, it isnt something I have ever aspired to. I was angry she had made the offer, telling her I would not even consider it. I told Joysa that she deserved more than serving as a sexual outlet. Still, I had long ago promised Joysa New Years Eve and so there I was, far from home and dreading it.

When Joysa had found about Lovely it was through the cancer of social networking pages. She told Khee and Josh, with the latter then hacking into Lovely's page, those of her immediate family-including both her parents- and perhaps most importantly, the webpages for her family's cellphone shoppe. Needless to say, I had a few things to settle with Josh.

When Joysa and I arrived everyone was pretty far gone on "tuba," a native rotgut made from nipa palmtrees. Incredibly strong and bloodred, it is to most Filipinos what sake is to tge Japanese (or Aquavit to Norwegians, etc). As such, Josh didnt register my arrival. I told myself that this would most likely be the last time I would ever see Joysa, and therefore really did not want to ruin the occasion by bludgeoning her cousin's paramour. Sadly, my best laid plans, as the adage goes, often go awry.

Round about 11PM Josh seemed to climb out of his intoxicated oblivion. Smiling he told me he liked me...even if I had killed Jesus. Being called a "Christ Killer" does not phase me. I smiled sweetly and asked him what Christ said about injecting drugs. I did this mind you, in a room full of poor Khee's kith and kin. Joysa giggled but the rest of the room looked aghast, mostly in Khee and Josh's direction.

Josh badly needed to save face so what did the young lad do? He threatened to kill me, telling me that I had no idea who he was, or what he could do. I replied, calmly, that I knew exactly who he was, an irresponsible little boy who had never been taught to keep his dick in his pants, a brash lad who involved himself in strangers' love lives...and of course a drug addict sorely in need of an HIV test and a lifetime supply of condoms. With spittle flying from his potty mouth, Josh lunged for me. Held back by a man sitting near him, Josh acted as if he wanted to tear my head off.

I then picked up Khee's iPhone, quickly moved parallel to Josh and smacked him in the face with the phone, cutting his eye socket and breaking the phone. I then quickly put him in a take down choke hold, a Krav Maga position we use on arrestees who err in resisting us at checkpoints...but put pressure on his neck to black him out. Noone tried to intervene but Khee and several women were screaming and crying. Standing, I kicked Josh hard before leaving with Joysa.

After we had walked aways, Joysa began criticising what she said was an over-reaction. I really resented what Joysa was saying but instead offered to walk her back to the party. Of course that merely eatned me a tirade about how I didnt care what happened to her, so why pretend. I had reached my limit, I looked at her, and matter of factly replied, "You know, you are absolutely right. Forgive me for pretending," and walked away for good.

I took a taxi back down to Manila, and of course was gouged like crazy. I had to wait two more days for my flight back to Butuan but seeing as how I still managed to spend New Yeats Eve with Lovely, even if by webcam (Android phones are great), there were no reprecussions to speak of.

.


Today I shall briefly discuss one of the more important areas of my martial arts training, which involve the methods involved in the handling and consumption of a custard slice.

As many of you may know, a custard slice is a pastry of generous flavor and sweetness, of great value to us, for it is not only delicious, but is also full of the most basic fundamentals that every martial artist and, indeed, everyday living being, such as us humans (I can and will not speak on behalf of xenomorphs) will frequently require for the purposes of nourishing oneself and avoiding starvation! I also happen to be fully aware that the Custard Slice can (and will, should you neglect your training) be a dangerous beast to handle; pinch too hard and the custard will spill out; move it around and gravity will urge the custard out further, and reducing the pressure of one's fingertips will leave the custard slice splattered upon the floor, with many of one's fingertips covered in delicious, sticky icing. Dare you face its God-like creator then and ask for another? Nay! Proper etiquette demands you eat this gracious gift from the floor, like a dog, you filthy coward! I have it on good authority that Bruce Lee himself was an avid consumer of these gourmet desserts when they were available in his favorite Greggs branch, and that Jackie Chan has, on certain film sets, encountered them as part of a lunch buffet... without injury.

So, first: know yourself and know your enemy, your prey; your meal, and if you lack the experience with custard slices, a plate will do. Cutlery can truly be pleasant at times. Personally, I was found to have great skill in the art of eating a custard slice by my sensei—no unnecessary movements; no undesirable sounds or squelches; no stickiness left on the fingers that must be removed with slurpy-tongues and sucky-wiggly-lips—and this brought green flashes of envy to my fellow students' eyes as lunchtime became a gauntlet of death in the small, though prosperous, village of [UNDISCLOSED] where many of us lived like family; no parents, but brothers and sisters in arms.

...And legs and mouth and nose!
Head,
Shoulders,
Knees and Toes!
Knees and Toes!

Ah, I digress, but here we go: I take gentle hold of the bottom of the pastry, angle it in my hand such that it stands perpendicular to the flow of gravity, often tilted slightly against the direction of the tilting of the Earth's axis, though this sort of thing must always be calculated very quickly and I may one day leave behind, as a legacy fit for any connoisseur of desserts and pastries and cakes and baked fruits of sweet and tasty human pleasure who'd dare to take up my mantle as the man whose blood is the sweetest of all humans, primarily due to a sweet-tooth more gigantic and petrifyingly powerful than any love of sweets or cakes currently in existence.

Once the pastry has been balanced, first form a blade with the tongue and flick it out, forwards, scooping out as much custard as noiselessly and cleanly as possible (these days, there's no spattering of custard upon my floor or forearms, or anywhere, for I have practiced!) and after the custard is removed, manoeuvre one's fingers such that the pastry parts of the coveted slice, no longer hampered by the delicious cold-custard, may drape themselves downwards, allowing a swift, large bite to consume as much of the top layer as possible, whilst paying attention never to bite one's own fingers or to accidentally eat so much of it that it either results in the rest of the custard falling out once you pull the pastry away from your mouth, or that you somehow whip off a whole layer of pastry, somehow leaving it dangling between your teeth with only a single hand free, custard shifting its weight and bits of icing all over.

No, no, no, should you do this, then perhaps it's better if you just focus upon perfecting your ability with the knife and fork at this stage because custard, as outlined in my 1844 page treatise on the subject of relinquishing our reliance upon non-existent numbers, foolish coins and notes—easily counterfeited, by the way—in favour of an economy based entirely upon trade of essentially delicious desserts, graded as outlined in the third, and also eighth, chapters...

Your incisors must sever the pastry as a guillotine severs the head of a traitor; and thus it is perhaps wise, often, to initiate the tearing of the pastry with one's jaw at an angle, the precious custard slice being torn through with magnificent powers of oral musculature; in this case, the canines serve merely to pierce, as they do in so many cases, and 'tis the job of one's incisors to shred the connection between the bite and the meal, and so it is that the custard slice is eaten. Choux buns are a tasty treat, but I have much to say about them and I am wary enough to eat only stale doughnuts (donuts) if they have no filling! However, right now, there's too little time.

Which sucks because there's actually plenty I need to do but can't. I would like to put a dye through my hair, but it's too cold to be getting undressed and having wet hair for ages. I could workout, except I can't because the man downstairs always comes up and complains when I do that at night time. Got a little bit of laundry I'ld like to do, but can't because it will wake up my flatmate. Sigh, can't even go to bed until 7am or I won't wake up at the right time for work. Would like to go shopping, can't everything is closed at 2am on a Tuesday morning, there's nowhere around here I could even buy diet soda from at this time so I can't even drink the rest of my Jack Daniels, unless I wanna drink it with water *pulls face*. Could play with myself but I already did that (Had to check it was still gonna work without the meth lol). I got cabin fever 8( *looks at stash* Suppose I could try find someone to sell the rest of that to, something to do, for a bout a minute and a half, ugh..

Finally got around to getting my roots done last week and had normal hair again, then ruined it by using too much Kerastase Elixir Kultime and have now stained it patchily because it has agran oil in it, and blondes cannot use agran oil it turns brassy. I kill myself! No, I put cool tone through it tomorrow. Arrrghh. I quit meth today, for at least until my birthday in October. Too zombified, have barely even gotten up to pee in past 3 days. Not living, just wasting. Time spent wasting is not wasted time! But it is, I die inside. Will be better after sleep if that happens today or the next day I hope. Sleep, clean, hair, life. Deep breath in, ok then :D
My cat prefers me sober, [/bender]
Very lonely existence, pushing my friends away so I can get disturbingly messy fucked up alone in my room , arguing instead with people who hate me on the internet to full fill my need for human interaction. My saftey room.. My prison.
Boy might be getting release to work and home leaves re-instated after October, I want to see him, I don't know if I even feel the same about him now though. Yes I know! I know that I don't feel much at all, just looking forward to it for the sake of having something to look forward to. I might go back to Melbourne when my lease is up, for good this time, not sure, it's not a plan for today.

Today I took 3mg of norco 10/325mg and 2 1/2somas.

This morning I took 1/2 of each I was fine with it. Then I went to mow the grass. It's like 100* outside. This was at noon. so I decided to go ahead and take the other 1/2's because I anticipated increased pain.

It took me 1 hr to mow my small front yard. I took 2 breaks. When I was done I was in a good deal of pain. Since it was a few hrs since my last dose I decided to take 1 norco and one soma. I did not think anything about it. After about 30 min I started to feel weird. I happened to be reading up on soma overdose on a web site, Erwin or something like that. My vision was off and I had a good body high. I felt really sleepy and had anxiety. I went to lay down and sleep from 3-7pm. My head was killing me. I had a headache before that and it's not unusual for me.

I waited till about 8pm to take 1/2 of each again and felt fine. Then later about 12am I took another 1/2 Of each.

Now it is 4:22am and I took another 1/2 of each but I will count it towards tomm dosage since its so close to morning.

One good thing about being up at 4am I just stopped 2 boys from robbing my neighbors car. I saw them walk up and the door was open and I coughed and they ran away. I told the neighbors and they could not find them. Nothing was stolen.

Ok as I have stated before I take norco 10/325mg 120, soma 60, and Zantac 30 a month. My tolerance is up of course and this is why I'm tapering. I want the pain refined from my meds and I don't know if I can get stronger meds or shots or anything in the future because my PM doc doesn't prescribe and thing else that's it, he won't transfer my chart to another PM doc who can do more and I'm not sure if I really want anything else. I want my pain managed but I know if I can endure some discomfort I can lower my tolerance. That's some back grown.

I take 4 norco and 2 soma everyday.

Today I took my medications in 1/2's. I dosed 5 times. So I took 2. 1/2mg of norco and 1 soma. I feel no withdrawals or discomfort. I did take a lot of Advil. I would say 1800mg total.

I still felt a lot of pain but i didn't suffer too bad. My pain right now is a 6 on a scale of 1-10. It really sucks but oh well. I will have a reward in the future sometime.

I am up at 1:27am. I did take Benadryl at 11p-12:00a. It did not work. This is a first time in a long time. I do have a sinus headache and it's not working on that at this time. I have headaches all the time. That's all for now.

(9:28:14 AM) thou: What is wrong with me?
(9:31:23 AM) thou: I'm really interested in hearing a bit of insight from a reasonable, objective standpoint on the way my family treats me. I've dealt with it forevor and just repressed it to an ENORmous degree, but some of these things I've been taping. Just extraordinary.
(9:40:20 AM) thou: What kidn of horrible culture teaches children to grow up to be parents like that? I can't even tell her i love her, unprovoked, and the minute I start what seems to me a ratoinal conversation I get scolded initially, then an oppurtunity for a ten minute tirade about how all of her actions are to serve the happiness of others, which is a far-fetched projection serving only to give here a reason to keep doing whatever it is she does with impunity, kind of a self preservation psychological anamoly and not only that but I understand mental issues failry well and I know she's had less luck than I've had (If not just slightly)? She paints me into a corner where I am expected to respond after these grievances are aired, but each time I do respond its met with even worse anger. I'v etried not responding, responding, crying (sincerely), leaving, nothing works. I love her and if anything the most I feel is frustrated in the quite real possibility that she will never find happiness, even in terms of attachment and materialism (mind you. I don't condemn anyone for their vices, I'm quite the hedonist myself and woudl serve only as an abhorrid hypicrate if I had the gall to tell anyone that they're "living the wrong way." Its terribly sad and frustrating, and the fact that I notice it primarily when shes noticing fluctuations in her own psyche and thus has to stand gaurd and surpress any negative emotion that comes out.

Was a text that never was, now it's a few quick observations I've made before having run some monotonous errands.

Thou

P.S.

I'm currently up for adoption so anyone in need of a submissive third party to reintroduce some excitement to the monatony of Heavenily 'Gridlock."

I refuse to lose at cribbage, you'll have to deal with it for free indentured servituted.


After arriving home found these delightful insights:

(1:51:14 PM) Miriah: I'm down to give you an opinion. I think we all have issues. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, just certain things to work on. But from what I'
(1:51:15 PM) Miriah: ve gathered so far, I think your mom is ducking wack
(4:35:22 PM) thou: my moms conditioned.
(4:36:03 PM) thou: I reailize that now.
(4:36:10 PM) thou: I didn't think you had recieved those txts tbh.
(4:37:10 PM) thou: I was just lashing out at a lot things in that peice, quite a bit of it included my own selfishness and hedonism.
(4:43:42 PM) thou: Interestingly enoughy, she was adamanemt about my staying home as I've had only a few hours rest. She has preconcieved of some strange ilk, saying I was high etc ad nauseaum.
(4:44:31 PM) thou: I'm far from high in terms of anything, I halved my clonazepam dose straight away, and packed the extra 45 away in a safe plae for emergencies.
(4:45:06 PM) thou: She just deosn't like me, which if fine. I say this with not one touch of angst.
(4:45:57 PM) thou: We can't chose who we bare, anymore than we could predict the outcome of a game that didn't exist.
(4:47:55 PM) thou: I love her, but not in any way like the way she loves. me. I guess you really have to get into the objective conisderations of love at some point or another, and realize just because She's a shit and we've nothing in common, is by no means any reason to love her any less. Keep in mind this reasoning goes for my enemies as well.
(4:48:45 PM) thou: Back to the topic of her trying to woo me back to sleep.
(4:49:33 PM) thou: I got up under quite a bit scrutinization speaking clearly and mmore concisely than i'd had in months. I think Sarah came to me in dream.
(4:49:57 PM) thou: Went to the laundromat (My intended destination), and got a job.
(4:54:32 PM) thou: Isn't life peculiar.

I've had no luck finding any ketamine.

I guess you could say that your looking foward to the weekend, well but not me.. i'm sure if i had my own place, or had some kind of shelter besides my car I wouldn't mind the weekened. Not today, nor tommrow, or even sunday. I know these days are going to be long, and howmuch i hate it.
I havn't been able to sleep in 48 hours or so, not able to get a good sleeping posistion in my car, its nothing like waking up in the morning feeling refreashd. I just lay in the back seat tossing and turning. I'm sure that most of you have tried to laydown in the backseat of your car and its just isnt the same as u were a kid and was able to fully stretch out. i can barly lay in the fetal posistion because theres so much stuff in my car/house. I hate it, and i know that i wont be able to sleep tonight, even though ive been working all day in the hotass weather, shitty work, and shitty pay, and its not stable. fucking sucks.
I know that im being negative, im just so tired and knowing that i wont b able to sleep tonight is just making things alot worst, shit sucks

so what i did today, spent the night in the parking lot at mc donalds, theyr open 24/7 and seemed like a good place at the time, well besides the birghtass street lights and the constent cars driving in and all kinds of fucking noises through out the night, sounded like someone was blowing leaves at 2am, and the sounds of people ordering their food, and all kinds of shit.
anyways had 2 be at this staffing compay at 5am this morning to stand in line to get a job, like i mentioned before its like a methadone clinic but for working, shit really fucking sucked, but got a job prettyt quick and it wasnt to far, just really sucked because of the nights before of not sleeping. really fucked with me at work, and drinking a monster energy drink and coffee early in the morning raised my blood preasure and had me feeling really weird, drained, like a lifeless soul.
so work got a little better when i was able to talk to a friend of mine around lunch, i mentioned to him that i might go to the hospital and get some psych help, becuase of just the way that i was thinking. was really thinking about suicide, and i got pretty close to it.
I don't like the way i feel, just so tired, and drained. started thinking about my family and them not talking to me, or even trying to. its not like i need money, or anything, all id like to get is a hug and a kiss on the cheek by my mom and her telling me that im doing good. its been awhile since ive seen mom, shit really hurts me.
my sister stopped talking to me because of the shit that happened with me and my boss(her friend) getting into it, and since then she wont talk to me,so yea he gave me some ativan to take, and later that night i ended up taking a handfull and drinking on top of them and blacked out, long story short we got into it (which i dont remember). shes taken sides with him, then me, my sponsor/friend told me that its sucks wat im having to go tru,will make me stonger in the outrun etc. he could let me crash on his couch or something if he cared, so i hardly listened to our conversation.

so im high, after work today i bought some boi, a tenth and oblivion, so ended up doing it and now i feel like i mite get a good night sleep, i doubt it, plus i already threwup, and feel like total shit, or my stomach does atleast, so im sippin sprite n eattting icecubes.
going to go into work tommrow if i survive, unless i sleep in but not going to push it really, if i over sleep then o fucking well because ill be asleep. sucks waking up that early, but fuck it, waht else do i have to do? its not like i can do family shit because everyone isn't talking to me, even my father.

ive been thikning about putting an end to this, i thought about my mom getting a call from the police saying that they found me dead, i wonder what she[d feel like, i doubt it shed even care, i kno i shouldnt even b thinking about that shit but ive got to say it, get that shit off my chest, now i feel somewhat a little better about shit,
my plans for tonight:
you guessed it, sleeping in my car, or just laying there. going to be a rough one tonight, im not looking foward to this night at atm and ive aleady missed sign-in at the homeless shelter, so yep sucks. going to preseserver thru tonight, and might take some benedryl to help me sleep if i cant, probs wont even sleep, its so fucking hot and humid here, so its like instant sweat when i walk outside, let alone laying in the back seat of my little toyota camery.
tonight going to either try and sleep in the 24.7 wallmart parking lot, or drive to some apartment complex and find a dark parking spot in and hopefully sleep some.

so here i am at mc donalds typing this, fuck spell check, if i dont pull thru this shit tonight i want some1 to tell my mother how much i wanted for her to come and save me, check me outa school, give me a hug and kiss me on the cheek and tell me how sorry she was for not even bother trying to talk to me, or even adknowlging how good of a person i am, my sister would be to fucked up on lortabs/hydrocodone to even give a damn, and my father is litterly crazy i love him tho. i love all my family, i love you bluelight.

so today has been a busy working day for me, hardly slept last night.. spent the night at one of the homeless shelters. just the feel wasn't right, if u ever gotta do that shit ull know wat im sayn. anyways yesterday was alittle more hetic then today, just the fact my gas E light was on, and had like $4 to my name, so had to make do with that and put it all in my tank, got a gallon of gas so kept me from the worst..
anyways work up/rolld off the top bunk n hit the hard pavement floor around 4:30am, put my converse's on and left the shelter to head 2 work//staffing employee place, gotta get there at 5am when the doors open if u want to work, kinda like a methadone clinic but w/o the methadone.. sorta sucks waking up/being up that early in the morning but it is what it is, any nothing stays the sa.me, or for me atleast.
worked today at the old courthouse where many a blackman has been executed supposedly in the attic/level 6 floor of the courthouse, bunchs of ghost stories floating around there and il b damned if a broom didn't fly across the room earlier today. maybe it was one of the coworkers playing tricks on me, or maybe not, because shit landed in a pile on the floor that needed to be swept up.
yea they are remodeling the building to make offices or something so working cleanup cleaning up dust/asbestos/lead, ive been picking fiberglass boogers from my nose since morning, shit hurts yo, dunno if u can get sick in a day after breathing all of that shit, i guess if i do then im promised a hospital bed and a place to sleep atleast. i get paid daily, so was nice to pick up a check at the end of the day, which most of taht $ went into my gas tank, cigarettes,and goddamn bigmac meal at mc donalds. so only have lil over $20 left, and going to haveE to stretch the shit, if i want to continue to fucking ride around then yes need gas, and well smokes to, but got an ecig thing(ewickid)so should be using that but fuckit i wanna inhale tobbaco deep into my lungs,yea it could b worster things going into my lungs.
so anywho just left the mall here and met up with this chick im dating? she works at starbucs n bought me a cinnamon dolchE frappachino which hit the fucking spot btw, not as much as a cigarette does but yea its been alongass time since i enjoyed a starbucks bucause they cost so damn high. going to meet up with her later, and just chill..shes going to disney world tommrow with her family so shel be away for a while.
tonight is going to be antoehr night sleeping in the car, which i should really b cleaning it out right now, but instead here i sit inside mcdoanlds lobby on my laptop, going to try and make some more room, and privacy this time, even if i have 2 hit up wallyworld and buy one of those curtian things to keep out some prying eyes.. even tho ill b up at the asshole of the morning to head back to work, so cant really do much there. now that im on this side of town going to post up in some apartment complex under some treee or osmehting and do my thing, sucks but shit could b worst.. a lottt worst, i gota keep that shit in mind.
anyways enough rambling, hopefully ill b able to update my day tommrow
peace

I ought to begin a blog, I cannot see why not.

Things aren't too bad, I can't really complain.

Today I sat and watched a blind man out the window for quite some time.

I was procrastinating.

I watched this man walk about, he was using a cane to feel where he was going.

This man looked to be about 30 years older than me, he looked to be about 55, but I am not sure. He was slim, his body-small.

His face was worn, he looked as if he hadn't had things very easy.

I found this man very interesting. It really put things into perspective.

I hadn't thought about how fortunate I was. I am bothered by some petty things some times, and for what, for nothing.

This man was really living.

This man really made me think.

I often take things for granted.

I shouldn't.

The things that sometimes seem to be a bother to me are in comparison to the nature of the true struggles of others totally irrelevant.

My problems are so small.

I am so tiny.

This man is a giant.

He's overcoming mountains.

I feel so weak.

I feel so small.

I see a man who appears to my eyes, small, but once I open my eyes, I see this man, so very tall.

This man is not small.

This man is so strong.

I should exercise some strength for a change.

Tomorrows already here.

It really crept up on me, I will try to make something of it.

I will try not to be so weak.

I am so weak.

I have been so blind.

I need to open my eyes.

I need to begin to see clearly.

I need open my eyes to all that is around me, such a sin it is to be so blind with working sight.

I will try my best, then I will try some more, I won't give up, I will succeed.

I hope things get better.

I feel crushed inside. The visual i get is a hot empty soda can thrust into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
Crunch.

Imploded.

Things. Feel. Wrong.

I've returned to a place of doubt. I'm going through the motions of crawling through the day and still i stumble; shrink a bit more and start moving forward with more distance to cover than before.

My eating disorder has returned. It is different this time. Birthed from the depths of panic, despair and uncertainty. I don't deserve to eat, so i fill the void with capsaicin. It regulates my blood pressure and the sickening burn feels more cleansing than any other forms of self-punishment i could mete.

We've been together for more than eight years...Eight of the worst and best years of my life. He says he is unhappy, but isn't sure it is with me. Because he is unhappy, he expressed his doubts about our future...the future i can't envision happening without him in it. He is my best friend. Our souls are intertwined...but the doubt is ripping us apart and i'm feeling so much less than whole.

The adderall and capsaicin fill the void. I live in fear that his doubts will turn to rage again.

He hurt me!

wounded inside from his words and outside from the rage, i couldn't run.
Couldn't leave.
Couldn't feel.

I've been broken for weeks.

There is so little left, i've almost disappeared.

Noone has noticed. No one ever does. I suppose no one ever will. I want to disappear, but i don't wish it. A sliver of hope remains. I need to hide it somewhere safe.

This is as good a place as any.

edit

just a random thought,idea of a title you could say, here i am playing in the ball pit at mc donalds when this dude came wearing his fancy mc pants brining me breakfast then i wake up and it was all a dream.
day ???#
no idea what to expect anymore, just keep trucking i reckon, it's me flying solo on this journey to mars. having a hard time keeping all of this shit down, i guess its the determination to prove others how fucking wrong they are in judging me/my outcomes.
yea theres periods in my life where even i don't know whats going to happen to me within the next minute,hour,day,etc.. i try not to think that far ahead or i'll lose my mind. the past few days have been not so great, my 'ex'boss and i got into it about how much he owed me $ for working so i said to fuck with him, and we work on the same job site so makes the shit alot harder to deal with.
after today i'm headed back downtown bham skidrow to try and make another dollar to survive becuase fuck bein in the country when u aint really have no job or no money or nothing. so off off and away i go, we shall see where the day leads me.

edit

so i thought sleeping in my car was a good thing at first, until i decided to go park down a road that was private property. i fixed up my bed, and got ready for the night and shut my eyes, the next thing i know 2 cops pulled up shining their lights in my car, so i knew i was fucked. they got my out of the car and asked what i was doing, and i told them that i was camping out n my car, they told me that it was private proiperty etcetc, then they asked to search the car, i didnt think i had anything in my car so i told them sure go ahead, when they started i fucking forgot all about the rig i had hid back beneath my spare tire, and lord behold they fold that shit n took me to jail for paraphernalia, and towed my fucking car which cost $95 to get the shit out of impound.
had a sign bond, so i didnt have to sit in jail. so after i signed some papers they told me to kick rocks, and kick rocks i did. i had no cigarettes but had a few $, i'm way on the other side of this country ass town, and no store is open passed midnight, so i walked and walked and fucking walked till i found a chevron 24/7 and bought a pack of cigarettes for fucking $5 a pack, i didnt care i wanted one so bad. called my sister and told her what had happpend and she told me well, sucks to be you. later she called back and said i could sleep in a spider infested airstream from the 70's for the night, so i walked almost 5 miles to her house, its 3am now, and i get there. go in and crash. wake up at 8:30am and WALK to fucking work, luckly it wasn't 'that' far away but still it was over 3 miles. shit sucked, but i made it, and i worked hard all day. got a bid approved to build a pet memorial flower bed thing and the lady im doing it for took me to get my car out of impound. thank god, so now i have my car again. my brother inlaw said i could stay at the airstream 1 more night, so going to head back there around 8pm tonite, its 6pm now so got a few hours, took my last lt 10, and afew ativan, just to fuckin relax and relax i am. here i am sitting at mc donalds typing this, somethings gotta change, and quick.