I'm trying really hard to be positive, it's working (most of the time). Need to keep focused on trying to be healthy and helping those who need it most (not assholes). It's weird speaking to people again and leaving the house past my comfort zone. I'm not used to it. I know I'm probably making a huge asshole of myself trying to speak to people, I just don't really give a shit any more though.
I've reported the guy who.. was a domestic abusive asshole, and wouldn't let me talk to friends, go anywhere other than work and would check up on me or do anything or have any freedom (no phone, internet etc). I know he's the route cause of my anxiety, agoraphobia, flashbacks, depression and substance abuse.
The flashbacks are bad in december, especially on 12/12, 22/12, 29/12 and 30/12. It's like it was yesterday, ugh. I've always been ashamed of myself of this, I've never have been able to talk about it (or think about it) without breaking down, till recently.
the guy was on an electronic tag from the police for doing something horrible, and took his anger out on me.
Awesome memories
-Coming home from work, and him being drunk as hell. I asked how he was. He screams "how do you fucking think I am, you stupid bitch!!" and throws the dinner I got him at me, followed by a chair and then --
- Him pinning me down, laughing at me being scared.. "haha, i could fucking rape you, you stupid bitch".. blah blah.. headbutting, punching, hitting.
- My housemate hearing, and calling the police throughout december. I only remember one time, which is messed up :/
- On the 22nd of december (have vivid flashbacks of this every stupid anniversary)
He had knocked me out, and I was bleeding pretty bad from my head/ear and shit when they came over. I was fucking terrified, as he had said that if I spoke, he'd murder my family (and me) as soon as he got out. He was on a suspended sentence. He said he "had to get away from his old town as he stabbed someone and left them for dead", and he would do it to my family if I grassed..
-The police asked me 40 questions, which I shook my head no for each one. (police: please speak to us, we can't do anything if you don't.)
Meh.
- After the police went, I went to the docs as my head + ear were bleeding and I was in horrific pain. The doc laughed and said it looked like I got punched by Mike Tyson. (don't try and be a comedian if your a doc, please. it made me scared to go back.)
-When I walked back from the docs, the admin staff from the docs phone me and said "you need to go to a&e".. so, i walk up there, get taken in. I could hear other people screaming. I've never been so alone in my whole life. it was horrible. i had nothing on me to distract me.
-After I chucked him out of my house after he went crazy again, and I spent 22/12/10 s in hospital (cheers for the head injury, ruptured blood vessels and shit pal). Then got out, got the bus back (from miles away as I had to be transferred to another hospital to stick a needle in my ear and suck the blood/ crap out).
I don't know how, but as SOON as I get off the bus, he appears out of nowhere and follows me home.
He wouldn't leave me alone. He forced is way in.
-On the 29/12 he flips badly again, throwing a chair at me and standing over me smashing me with the leg.
I finally try and stand up, PICK his fucking tag box and chuck it out my back door (it led to my neighbours, who he was cheating on me at the time). meh.
on the 30/12, he picks up a brick and throws it through the back door, and stomps up to me and does x, y and z.
for the next 8 months, he would get drunk, come round and smash my door open, break the windows/ doors etc, and come up stairs and find me. :/
meh. the neighbour he got with, and moved in with, he did the same thing to her.. (i tried to warn her, she told him, so he came for me).
gotta love first relationships and young love. :/ ugh.
I've reported the guy who.. was a domestic abusive asshole, and wouldn't let me talk to friends, go anywhere other than work and would check up on me or do anything or have any freedom (no phone, internet etc). I know he's the route cause of my anxiety, agoraphobia, flashbacks, depression and substance abuse.
The flashbacks are bad in december, especially on 12/12, 22/12, 29/12 and 30/12. It's like it was yesterday, ugh. I've always been ashamed of myself of this, I've never have been able to talk about it (or think about it) without breaking down, till recently.
the guy was on an electronic tag from the police for doing something horrible, and took his anger out on me.
Awesome memories
-Coming home from work, and him being drunk as hell. I asked how he was. He screams "how do you fucking think I am, you stupid bitch!!" and throws the dinner I got him at me, followed by a chair and then --
- Him pinning me down, laughing at me being scared.. "haha, i could fucking rape you, you stupid bitch".. blah blah.. headbutting, punching, hitting.
- My housemate hearing, and calling the police throughout december. I only remember one time, which is messed up :/
- On the 22nd of december (have vivid flashbacks of this every stupid anniversary)
He had knocked me out, and I was bleeding pretty bad from my head/ear and shit when they came over. I was fucking terrified, as he had said that if I spoke, he'd murder my family (and me) as soon as he got out. He was on a suspended sentence. He said he "had to get away from his old town as he stabbed someone and left them for dead", and he would do it to my family if I grassed..
-The police asked me 40 questions, which I shook my head no for each one. (police: please speak to us, we can't do anything if you don't.)
Meh.
- After the police went, I went to the docs as my head + ear were bleeding and I was in horrific pain. The doc laughed and said it looked like I got punched by Mike Tyson. (don't try and be a comedian if your a doc, please. it made me scared to go back.)
-When I walked back from the docs, the admin staff from the docs phone me and said "you need to go to a&e".. so, i walk up there, get taken in. I could hear other people screaming. I've never been so alone in my whole life. it was horrible. i had nothing on me to distract me.
-After I chucked him out of my house after he went crazy again, and I spent 22/12/10 s in hospital (cheers for the head injury, ruptured blood vessels and shit pal). Then got out, got the bus back (from miles away as I had to be transferred to another hospital to stick a needle in my ear and suck the blood/ crap out).
I don't know how, but as SOON as I get off the bus, he appears out of nowhere and follows me home.
He wouldn't leave me alone. He forced is way in.-On the 29/12 he flips badly again, throwing a chair at me and standing over me smashing me with the leg.
I finally try and stand up, PICK his fucking tag box and chuck it out my back door (it led to my neighbours, who he was cheating on me at the time). meh.
on the 30/12, he picks up a brick and throws it through the back door, and stomps up to me and does x, y and z.
for the next 8 months, he would get drunk, come round and smash my door open, break the windows/ doors etc, and come up stairs and find me. :/
meh. the neighbour he got with, and moved in with, he did the same thing to her.. (i tried to warn her, she told him, so he came for me).
gotta love first relationships and young love. :/ ugh.
. I hate writing this stuff, but you're right- it's good to vent. It really feels like mental torture and I'd gladly swap this for pneumonia again if I could. I have done mortifying, shameful and horrendous things to attempt to stop the memories/ horrible thoughts previously, I really don't want to risk getting brain damage, memory problems, my heart failing, bell's palsy, screwing up my body and mind even more again. Meh. :/ 
