So this makes a week after my g/f said she wasnt sure if we could be together. In this week I managed to go from shock and disbelief to acceptance in about 5 days. When she first said this to me it stung in ways you cant imagine. It was an emotional shit storm that ending in crying and then sex, as i said i wasnt sure if i could perform because the methadone, even though i am on 20mg... i dont know i guess the years of not really thinking about and almost forgetting how to initiate it and everything it had been a while and part of the whole thing was me apologizing because i dont feel like a man how i was asking my mom to help me pay for a doctors appointment to see if i have an issue with testosterone. But after that i feel normal again like i had a sex drive and failed to understand what it was... like how if you develop an eating disorder you can forget what hunger is.
Anyway during this week i got a hair cut, have long hair got it tamed and cut to my shoulders. But i went to a barber and got that and my beard done bought cologne got new clothes I did all of that for her i suppose but really it was because i do understand that if i am going to move on i dont have the time to wallow in self pity like when i was young I have a set plan and must accomplish what i set out to do. Not saying i have to conceal my emotions and hide but i need to continue to move forward regardless.
So this week was great we did a lot of things, lunch and fun things. But more importantly she did the one thing that would not happen any other way, she forced me to view her as a person and not someone i have an undying love for. I still love her dearly but seeing her as a person well it reinforced how i feel rather then removing it but in that it also allowed me to fully accept her new personality.
You must understand as of now she has no real friends, no job, doesnt do much... she has a solid future plan, takes care of herself and desires a good future. Its hard when you were IVing heroin for 3 years those first 3 things come with time after finding the power in yourself. But anyway to say she was going to leave me to doom herself to no contact with the one person who does understand, i have never seen a bigger act of courage and desire to move forward in someone. She burned all of her past where it lie with a huge fire and rose from the ashes a new person.
So at lunch yesterday, the designated deciding day, i told her "i am happy for the first time in a long time, i dont fear tomorrow, i dont care about money, i dont feel stringed to my job and everyones bitch i feel like me again. I know i will be happy whatever happens, whatever happens with us, i have come to see that i can not stop the Phoenix from rising from the ashes of a past life nor would i want to" as i held her hand and smiled at her. I wish i had a camera for the look she gave me she was totally not expecting me to say that at that moment. I think maybe she thought i was saying those first bits as reasons to stay and she looked like she was going to fall over but regained herself back and asked if it was time to leave and i said "sure"
Last week she told me we werent to do anything physical because she wasnt sure what she wanted. She said she didnt want to hurt either of us by doing that, well last night we had the most passionate night we have had in forever. It ended with me saying "i love you... oh, sorry" and she smiled and said "i love you too" we said our goodbyes and i left.
I dont know where we go from here but i meant what i said, my Phoenix finally ready to leave her life of sadness behind. I couldnt begin to express how happy i am for her and if her future is without me at least i can know its with happiness.
I use to cry and say "i am sorry we got into heroin i guess my desire to make you happy went awry, i didnt mean for this" now if i need to let go i can say "i am sorry it had to be this way, i just wanted you to be happy and for once i can see you are and you will be ok as will i"
My Phoenix, I never thought we would get to the point where you would grow so confident as to leave me. I always wanted this for you and if it means stepping back and watching you fly away i know i can i know i can someday smile knowing that i helped you through a dark time, there was once a time i was worried I would tell a tale of lost love how i ruined someone with a poor decision, no longer am i burdened by a painful reality and no longer will i stop your light from shining for as you shine so do i.
Anyway during this week i got a hair cut, have long hair got it tamed and cut to my shoulders. But i went to a barber and got that and my beard done bought cologne got new clothes I did all of that for her i suppose but really it was because i do understand that if i am going to move on i dont have the time to wallow in self pity like when i was young I have a set plan and must accomplish what i set out to do. Not saying i have to conceal my emotions and hide but i need to continue to move forward regardless.
So this week was great we did a lot of things, lunch and fun things. But more importantly she did the one thing that would not happen any other way, she forced me to view her as a person and not someone i have an undying love for. I still love her dearly but seeing her as a person well it reinforced how i feel rather then removing it but in that it also allowed me to fully accept her new personality.
You must understand as of now she has no real friends, no job, doesnt do much... she has a solid future plan, takes care of herself and desires a good future. Its hard when you were IVing heroin for 3 years those first 3 things come with time after finding the power in yourself. But anyway to say she was going to leave me to doom herself to no contact with the one person who does understand, i have never seen a bigger act of courage and desire to move forward in someone. She burned all of her past where it lie with a huge fire and rose from the ashes a new person.
So at lunch yesterday, the designated deciding day, i told her "i am happy for the first time in a long time, i dont fear tomorrow, i dont care about money, i dont feel stringed to my job and everyones bitch i feel like me again. I know i will be happy whatever happens, whatever happens with us, i have come to see that i can not stop the Phoenix from rising from the ashes of a past life nor would i want to" as i held her hand and smiled at her. I wish i had a camera for the look she gave me she was totally not expecting me to say that at that moment. I think maybe she thought i was saying those first bits as reasons to stay and she looked like she was going to fall over but regained herself back and asked if it was time to leave and i said "sure"
Last week she told me we werent to do anything physical because she wasnt sure what she wanted. She said she didnt want to hurt either of us by doing that, well last night we had the most passionate night we have had in forever. It ended with me saying "i love you... oh, sorry" and she smiled and said "i love you too" we said our goodbyes and i left.
I dont know where we go from here but i meant what i said, my Phoenix finally ready to leave her life of sadness behind. I couldnt begin to express how happy i am for her and if her future is without me at least i can know its with happiness.
I use to cry and say "i am sorry we got into heroin i guess my desire to make you happy went awry, i didnt mean for this" now if i need to let go i can say "i am sorry it had to be this way, i just wanted you to be happy and for once i can see you are and you will be ok as will i"
My Phoenix, I never thought we would get to the point where you would grow so confident as to leave me. I always wanted this for you and if it means stepping back and watching you fly away i know i can i know i can someday smile knowing that i helped you through a dark time, there was once a time i was worried I would tell a tale of lost love how i ruined someone with a poor decision, no longer am i burdened by a painful reality and no longer will i stop your light from shining for as you shine so do i.
