So my girlfriend and myself have been going through rapid changes as we leave our opiate addiction behind us. She is on week 3 off methadone and is finally healthy and wants to have a happy future without drugs... but also maybe without me.
I knew she was feeling different, you dont spend 6 years with someone every day and not know they are feeling off. I thought it was the methadone and kept thinking, tomorrow will be better, but Monday she said what i feared.
She said that she didnt love me anymore, a convocation we had before when she was withdrawing or when there were other factors this time i can see the conviction and tell she means it. She has been on edge and will try to fight with me via emails or texts because she is interpreting my messages wrong but i am coming to terms with it.
Today i told her "i understand" and i finally mean it. She has changed so much in a year from a former IV heroin addict to a wonderful clean highly motivated person, as have i. The problem is before we got into opiates we were 1-1.5 years into the relationship and now its 5 years later and i know she wants the passion, romance and unique experiences we had together again now that she is clean. I fully understand she is the phoenix that rose from the ashes of a live ruined by heroin and its time i step back and let her fly away.
I spent so many years worried we would end up like candy and dan from "candy" that i would wake up or come home from work with her mom thinking she was with me or finding her dead from her body giving up or her choosing to end it. I get the distinct pleasure of doing what i intended, not letting that happen and causing her to grow into the person she was meant to. I knew that might mean her leaving me but i unfortunately grew closer to her because she became who i knew she was. For the first time i know she will be ok i know that the lessons she learned are real i can see confidence in her eyes and she talks about how hot she is and how she can do anything (way different from when we met) I just wanted to be a part of her future because i love her and she loves me like a friend.
I have been in this position before and last time i spent 2 years in a drunken haze desperately trying to figure out why the last one stopped loving me, at least this time i understand. As hard as it is to accept i understand it which is something to be thankful for.
Most people walk around trying to change the person they are with, we didnt change each other but we definitely helped the other become themselves. Through our heroin addiction we learned who we truly are and i know she wants to show the world who she is and see what they think of it, i know thats what this is all about at its very most basic.
I once said to her "i never believed in an afterlife but because of you i dont want to be alone in the ground i want to believe we will find each other, as we have in the past and will in the future." I hope if she chooses to leave me we will find each other again, as new people willing to start over. I will not hold out or dwell on it but my connection to her is so great i cant imagine it leaving me. I know i will be ok and i am reinforced by knowing she will be, the one thing i always wanted... her to be happy.
I knew she was feeling different, you dont spend 6 years with someone every day and not know they are feeling off. I thought it was the methadone and kept thinking, tomorrow will be better, but Monday she said what i feared.
She said that she didnt love me anymore, a convocation we had before when she was withdrawing or when there were other factors this time i can see the conviction and tell she means it. She has been on edge and will try to fight with me via emails or texts because she is interpreting my messages wrong but i am coming to terms with it.
Today i told her "i understand" and i finally mean it. She has changed so much in a year from a former IV heroin addict to a wonderful clean highly motivated person, as have i. The problem is before we got into opiates we were 1-1.5 years into the relationship and now its 5 years later and i know she wants the passion, romance and unique experiences we had together again now that she is clean. I fully understand she is the phoenix that rose from the ashes of a live ruined by heroin and its time i step back and let her fly away.
I spent so many years worried we would end up like candy and dan from "candy" that i would wake up or come home from work with her mom thinking she was with me or finding her dead from her body giving up or her choosing to end it. I get the distinct pleasure of doing what i intended, not letting that happen and causing her to grow into the person she was meant to. I knew that might mean her leaving me but i unfortunately grew closer to her because she became who i knew she was. For the first time i know she will be ok i know that the lessons she learned are real i can see confidence in her eyes and she talks about how hot she is and how she can do anything (way different from when we met) I just wanted to be a part of her future because i love her and she loves me like a friend.
I have been in this position before and last time i spent 2 years in a drunken haze desperately trying to figure out why the last one stopped loving me, at least this time i understand. As hard as it is to accept i understand it which is something to be thankful for.
Most people walk around trying to change the person they are with, we didnt change each other but we definitely helped the other become themselves. Through our heroin addiction we learned who we truly are and i know she wants to show the world who she is and see what they think of it, i know thats what this is all about at its very most basic.
I once said to her "i never believed in an afterlife but because of you i dont want to be alone in the ground i want to believe we will find each other, as we have in the past and will in the future." I hope if she chooses to leave me we will find each other again, as new people willing to start over. I will not hold out or dwell on it but my connection to her is so great i cant imagine it leaving me. I know i will be ok and i am reinforced by knowing she will be, the one thing i always wanted... her to be happy.
