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Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

Thought it was time for a repost of the guidelines...

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Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

yesterday me and Mum clean my kitchen...the mimosa DMT lab

....yes...i have a tidy and clean (ish....the floor still needs doing) kitchen.....i still have powdered Mimosa though, the bag is labelled 'purple dye' so my saintly Mum is blind to it......deep down she knows i'm only going to make more....she's said as much....and not so deep down i know she's right....but i do have to make sure that its when the kids are not around...

my brother is down with my nephews, he arrived sometime last night, i noticed during the night that he'd text me round midnight asking if i would be joining them for dinner today.....i shall reply no thankyou later....i do not really want to risk blurting out obscenities in my nephews company....plus me and bro oftentimes come to disagreements and heated discussions such as brothers and sisters do.....i know he means well....but i do wonder if he also has borderline personality disorder as, like me, he is prone to losing his temper in aggressive ways.....hmm actually....can't think of impulsive behaviour though.....and he has always been able to hold down a job and what he does he is very good at and clearly earns quite well, well enough for him to pay a mortgage on a house for his kids and their mother his ex-partner.....and pay rent on a house for himself, have a nice car, have holidays, buy nice food and wine, go out and socialise.......yeah he does alright for himself.....he's funny too, in a dark humour sarcastic way, my son very much adopts quite alot of my brothers traits.

yeah i know....i gotta keep calling the therapist cunt-er-man to ask why they would be unable to help me and that i'd been giving thought to her helpful suggestions on how to life a healthy lifestyle but wondered why she was not able to follow these herself if things were that easy.....should i give her some tips on how to lose weight?....'because you are not healthy the weight that you are and its not fair on people around you especially in crowded places as you take up too much room'.....yes i keep adding to reasonable points to raise on the pitfalls of her obesity and what i may suggest to her in order to help her live a healthier lifestyle......when i told my Mum that i was awaiting a call back from her yesterday and what i planned to say to her Mum was very dissapointed and defo against it.....i told her that i would just raise these points to my doctor who i have made another appointment with on the 4th november 8:40am as the referral was hardly the breakthrough we'd all been hoping for.....i'm aching to know what Alisn Cuntermans diagnosis of me is...the fat fuck therapist.....dont join the dots even tho we should...NAME AND SHAME THE PIG!!';...it is quite rightly against the rules....even my Dad, who is for me questioning her lifestyle to make a point....says i should remove her name...and alas...i'm also adding to a very patient (so far...as she's a yoga fanatic) moderators work load...you know who you are...and i might just come to you for therapy

......some people are just so very unsuited to their job and Cunilson Warts-on-cunt is one of those.....years ago i went back to college to study psychology health and social care, thats what she would have had to study to be in her job...so yes i do know she fucking SUCKS at it.

as always a post to no-where

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

warts-on-cunt phoned me back!!!!

SUPRISE SURPRISE yes she just called, i have just spoken to her, i asked her why she said they couldn't help me, i did listen to her blab on about who could benefit from their help blah blah, she hadn't said they couldn't but it was her opinion etc etc.....so i ask her what then in her opinion after our session and listenning to me and her paper of notes from my doctor did she think was wrong with me....she did not want to answer that...i could tell i was not going to get any useful information out of her so i then move onto the fact that i'd been thinking about what she had said about living a healthy lifestyle and that her suggestions meant me going out to do that and i am aggrophobic to which she interrupted and said i wasn't as i came to the session i replied yes i had come with my mother as i find leaving my house very hard and if it were that easy to live a healthy lifestyle then why is she overweight as she could do with losing weight and benefit from a group therapy place such as weight watchers so that she could have support from other fat people like herself, she said if i were to continue to be rude she would put the phone down...i said i am making a point here that if it were that easy to live a healthy lifestyle then i would not be going to my doctor desperate for help and her refer me to a session that i thought would be the road to recovery and whilst there i feel i did not manage to cover the fact that i have suffered from many eating disorders over my life after my father had been banned from seeing both me and my brother as kids and this caused me to balloon in weight but i felt that i had been unable to say that to her for fear of offending her due to her size, so i am pointing out that it is all very well telling somebody the obvious, i do not need to be told what i need to do that is healthy it is having the tools to be able to do them which i had high hopes in the session being the start of when in fact it wasn't the start of anything......there was a long silence on the other end....i wonder if i had made her cry as it took a very long time for her to come back with a short and different toned response to all that...and that was something along the lines of that i had made my point....and i had thought about ending things by calling her a fat useless cunt but refrained as i felt that i had caught her off guard just enough to drive something home to her that she wil now be stewing over a great long time....even lose sleep over because my delivery was fluent and without swearing or raising my voice, if i had shouted cunt at the end it would have ruined everything and she could have come away feeling superior but my speech was spot on target and i know i hit a nerve.

FUCK ME I FEEL A BIT BETTER NOW

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

my soap looks like soap!!

YEP!! last night it had solidified enough to press it out of the plastic tub and onto baking paper.....today i cut it into little squares.....it doesn't quite resemble shop soap but it wouldn't as i added the aforementionned rose petals and salt but it smells nice and looks good, i am very proud!! i think i may even take a square down to my doctors on the 4th november 8:40am to show her.....look at what i made!!.....i don't just do impulsive stupid things !! i am capable of making soap, despite the fact that i am not capable of showering on a regular basis like i did 3 years ago...i have finally managed to make soap which i had considered to begin doing about 9 years ago (when i was taking my self prescribed daily dosage of MPA when i could buy it online and have it delivered by the postman)

my Dad just phoned, i told him about my soap and about the fact that i will no longer name my therapist.....why the fuck i call her my therapist when she refused to help me...THE therapist the fat fuck useless bitch who i will again try calling today and who will undoubtedly be 'on the phone' or 'with a client' and i shall ask why she won't take my calls or return them as i will be able to list the times i tried and the out-comes as i have it all recorded here...and of course on my phone as i call from my 'cell phone' (i was going to say mobile phone but....)....yeah whatever

I do wonder though whether my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder has now been removed due to 'warts-on-cunt' therapist session and if so.....how it stands...i wonder whether i am now considered to be 'well' am i too well to treat?...or am i too fucked to treat....these are the questions i need answering as she should have told me there and then so that is why i am obsessing over speaking with her.....and then she can take what she likes over what i say to her.....yes i am perfectly well as i am now suggesting a healthy lifestyle to you you bulging out of your shoes fat fucker

but my soap looks really good

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

left message for therapist to call be beack so i can ask.....

.....why she doesn't go to weight watchers and have an exersise regime and take long walks in nature......as i'm stewing like FUCK that i didn't call her a useless fat cunt, after all i call the nice people at my doctors surgery useless fucking cunts when they are actually trying to help.....but after her waste of fucking time session where i tell her in detail lots of traumatic events in my life, impulse behaviour that's been very self distructive but unplanned and was so openly honest about everything thinking that that would clesrly be the obvious way of getting the correct help from them....she see's 'help' carved into my arm with other freshly cut inflictions...see's that i am unkempt...but after stopping me at various places and asking and looking sympathetically bemused that i hadn't been offered help or assistance at various stages after certain incidents....she asks me if i know what CBT and DBT are, i tell her i've heard about them when ive watched programmes on borderline personality disorder.....then at the end of an hour and a half of telling her how desperate i am....she tells me to get back to nature, go out and make friends and join some addiction groups ...oh and have an excersize programme.....this is coming from a patronising fat fuck who....when telling her about various stages of my life such as dropping out of school at 14 and binge eating and ballooning in weight....Mum drops in 'oh you weren't that big, just a little chubby'.....i'm just about to add that no i was bursting out of size 16 clothes and....then i notice her feet bulging out of her shoes and get what my mother is trying to do....so on realising that here was a very fat woman who i'm now (due to all manner of eating disorders over the years from bulimia to anorexia) about a size 8-10 maybe less as have not been eating at all recently....and i'm telling her that i was once fat...so i decide to skip over the eating disorders that have been a big part of my life.....so at the end she tells me they can't do anything for me...then suggests daft obvious factors that any person of sane mind knows are part and parcel of healthy living but a person with a mental disorder is not able to achieve as they have A FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER......but they can't help me, no i just need a nice walk and basically...find a good NA (narcotics annonymous ) group....which actually would be a fantastic way of getting some drug contacts.....i mean i don't have to go to a fucking therapist to be told how to live a healthy lifestyle....i don't live a healthy lifestyle cos i do not have the functionality to do so....hence why i am there....so

i decided i would call to speak to Alison <snip> the fat cunt who is so fat her feet bulge out of her shoes , she looks like a walking breezeblock in a dress.....she was with a client....so i very nicely ask for her to call me back....when she does i shall ask her why it was that she said they were unable to help me....and what in her opinion is wrong with me....is it just that i don't just 'snap out of it' because if that is the case and things are that easy then why does she not cut down on what she eats? because she could certainly do with an exercise regime and some group therapy with other fat people like herself as she should just stop putting her hand in the fucking fridge and stealing staff members food and gobbling down a family meal for 6 by her fat self, what kind of role model is she to her kids and if she herself has fat kids its all because she wants them to be fat like her so that she does not feel so fucking fat....yes i shall direct my rage in the right direction, but i shall try my hardest to compose myself so that i am able to fully put accross these healthy suggestions to her and tell her to snap out of being fat and useless.

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

i am about to call cunt woman

yes i am trying to call that fat bitch but its busy...trying again....she's on the phone (likely fucking story) they've taken my number (again) so she can call me back (very unlikely but as i said...i will keep fucking phoning her and she'll have to fucking talk to me at some point when she stops stuffing cakes into her fat fucking face)....so thats message number 2 left for the fat cunt Alison whose last name is <snip>.....i hope you're ok with that Mel22 who very responsibly removed her full name from previous entries...i mean come on...who is interested in this bullshit anyway, who the fuck is reading this...if you find this interesting then read on folks as i never fucking know what the fuck i'm gonna do next and i've been refused therapy by that fat fucker who i keep trying to call so i can ask her why....i could tell her that i made soap today in the same kitchen i made DMT in....soap is a hell of alot easier....should anybody else like to make their own soap look up on google a basic simple recipe....i did....but i did improvise on the coconut oil...although i know i do have shit tons of the stuff, its buried under piles of crap in my kitchen and getting to it was going to be an issue but this was basically what i did....

i went round to Mum's to ask to borrow her scales.....then i weighed 100grams water....40grams Lye....i mixed them together...always tip the lye into the water...never the other way round (not sure exactly why but this is a golden rule of mixing water and lye together) then i weighed 100grams of castor oil (in place of cocnut oil) and 200grams rapeseed oil (brand name crisp and dry...but this replaced olive oil) then i pour that into the disolved lye and water mix...which by this time had cooled somewhat...i think there is an ideal temperature to add the oils, but i just added them.....then mix by spoon....afterwards you're gonna have to use a hand blender and blend away until the mixture thickens....it's meant to thicken so much that when you run something through it it stays kinda gloopy and leaves a 'trace'....this stage is called 'trace'....i'm not sure i got it quite there but i was beginning to scare Katniss my cat who had just been jumped on by 'fake Oswald' the big black bully cat that keeps attacking her.....i had to go out and get her indoors as fake Oswald had jumped her....i would have spanked fake oswald had i had the chance but he / she seems to know now that when i try and tempt it over with treats i'm actually gonna spank it......anyway...yeah....i also added some essential oils during the bending process...these being sandalwood and rose....once i'd finished blending i added some drops of pink food-colouring and hand stirred, i did want to achieve a colour effect by doing it this way, but didn't...hey ho....then i poured it all into a plastic container to set...but i also added some dried rose petals as i just happenned to have some that my daughter had picked some time back (roses) and i (being sentimental) had left them to dry on the windowsill....so seemed like a nice little touch...i also added sea salt granules to the top to give it a 'buffering' kinda feel once it sets.....if i had never made my own DMT (which is also very easy but far more time consuming) i would not now be the proud producer of my very first 'soap' whether or not it turns out to be safe to use remains to be seen....i have to leave it now for a month or so...well let it set...then cut into desired size....then leave for about a month (i think...best to check on that)...though back to the DMT....that's an overnight wait....as its got to be frozen....in colmans fuel....then seperated and smoked.....i tried this stuff by mouth and certainly would advise against that!!...had to rinse my mouth out with vinegar as it was burning.....also....DMT not for the faint hearted...or parents ?

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

today i tidied my lounge and made soap

....yep that is what i have done, Mum helped to tidy my lounge...so now i have a clean(ish) and tidy kitchen that doesn't resemble the shit heap in an episode of breaking bad where jesse goes and rescues the lil lad from his addict low life scum parents....yes, my house is / was a bit like that, don't you ever watch something and compare it to your own house? i do when i see a shit hole and not many shit holes represented on films come anywhere close, but that place...yes pretty close...

so during which while chatting to Mum i kinda say how i always thought about making my own soap but was always worried about the fact that you gotta use sodium hydroxide...ie Lye or caustic soda....used for cleaning drains and a major ingredient in making meth...(i only know that as...come on....don't we all....along with cold tablets....lithium batteries....something to do with matches but only the strike as i saw that also on breaking bad where walter white's in the hardware store and notices the contents of a guys trolley containing acetone, Lye, camping fuel....a couple of other bottles i couldn't make out...yep i'm going off on one again...back up>>>)...but also essential in making soap...did anyone know that??...most people who have seen Fight Club should know that...aswell as the fact that should you get any on wet skin it'll burn through it....and that mixing it with water and fat produces gycerine whilst it transforms into what we know as soap and that if you skim off that gycerine you could actually use it for things like making your own vape oils or if you got hold of some nitric acid you could make some nitro-glycerine and be well on the way to producing explosives.....interesting is it not, that many ingredients used to produce soap and or use to fertilise your lawn can be used to produce explosives or drugs.....it is perfectly fine to look after ones garden is it not...very respectable even...my mum looks after my garden with her sacred hands that bare the scars of stigmata...i am currently smoking some of my magic tobacco so do forgive me for going a little off course here....getting a little high at the moment as it happens...but yes as i hold in each sacred breath of my magic tobacco that contains trace elements of DMT that i proudly produced in the same very kitchen where today i also made my own soap...how about that for being ...i dont know...me...the untreatable person turned away by the fat therapist cunt woman

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

Will Ativan quell the rage

I carved "HELL" into my forarm with a razor blade last night. It satisfied me enough to sleep a couple hours. I'm so miserable. I'm hoping one day soon the flip is going to switch and I'll gain the courage to put an end to this hell. I just want sleep nice peaceful eternal sleep.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday. He's long moved on with his life to the point where I am embarrassed to tell him about mine. Sitting at my mom's home for the rest of my life. I know I would be happier dead and I'm pretty sure my mom would be happier in the long run. One day I'll get to the point where i can do it. I hope it's soon.

Ativan just makes me too honest. So I'll be blunt I want to die.

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

Only life I know

The Ativan in the dresser drawer calls everyday. I usually put it off with a terse "later". Well today there was no more laters. 3mg down and I feel like I imagine normal people do. The days to my 30th bday countdown on my calendar to the point I feel I'm waiting for my execution.

See I was never supposed to see 30. I was never supposed to quit heroin. I wasn't supposed to push all my friends away. I wasn't supposed to be unemployed and living with my parents.

I was supposed to be dead of some crazy drug combo in my 20s. I was supposed to have fallen madly in love with some hippy girl. We would shoot dope together until the end. I was supposed to have Daniel Mike and David by my side.

So the million dollar question becomes where from here? I could keep trying to kill myself and either die or end up in the state hospital. I would be ok with that. Probably even more then ok if truth be told. Or I could disappear west or north east cut off all contact and go back to heroin. Or just forget the heroin get back on methadone. The least appealing option is to go to rehab then sober living and rebuild like that. I don't see that working for me. I just have no patience for that whole process.

Whatever I decide it's going to be soon. The current situation isn't sustainable.

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

5:40pm still no call back....well that won't stop me calling 2mo

.....yep I shall keep calling until i speak with Alison <snip>...not today....but first thing tomorrow morning and i shall keep on calling until i get to speak with her and ask her about hints on tips from her healthy lifestyle as it does not seem to be working for her so how on earth can she give that sort of daft arse suggestions to a person clearly in desperate need of some sort of psychiatric help.......i shall try and make sure i am calm and composed as i sweetly deliver the suggestion to her that how, if it was as easy as she seems to suggest, should i be expected to honestly believe that this is all i should get from a morbidly obese lady who's clearly mentally unstable herself as she wears unacceptably unflattering eye sore dresses that look ridiculous on her fat frame, its all working out so well for you you fat fucking useless cunt

Oct 25, 2018

Mel22

P

beting

so we have a bet going on how to cut dope. Help if you can

Oct 24, 2018

PPP1252

P

cunt woman not called back....i shall call 2mo

seriously, she will not keep from speaking to me eventually....when i call 2mo if they give another excuse i shall blatantly ask why she isn't taking my calls or calling me back as it is her job to do so......the longer she leaves it, the meaner i shall be.....i shall rip that fat fucks confidence to shreds i'll tear her tyo fucking pieces, i'll say things that will stay with her forever...i will give her a fucking mental disorder......she will come off the call in fucking tears, she will feel such inner despise at herself she'll have to take days off sick.....don't fucking doubt it...i shall for sure report it right here as soon as i do...i will leave every last detail....any suggestions would be taken into consideration.....i will fuck her up with words so fucking unthinkably twisted that she'll have to fight to breathe

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

i wrote this one age 14-15

i'd left school at 14 and ballooned in weight as i was comfort eating mainly i guess due to the fact that my Dad had decided to shack up with a spainish prostitute (who he married) and who banned him from seeing me and my brother...so yeah that was a bit hard...and i'd had a really bad trip on a pink floyd 'the wall' they were called, tiny as fuck...but damn fuck me lethal as fucking shit......i was depressed for many months, i burned crucifixes into my hands...i thought i was a goth...but here it is...i'll tell the title at the end

i try to listen
but cannot hear
i try to see
but nothing appears
i try to speak
i try to shout
i try to scream
but nothing comes out
i live in silence
in a world of black
i talk to no-one
and no-one talks back
i try to travel
but never know
where i am going
or then, where i go
i have no opinions
and no points of view
i don't know whats false
or then what is true
i have no emotions
i have nothing to share
i reach out to feel
to find no-one is there
but if i could listen
i won't want to hear
about death and destruction
sorrow and fear
and if i could see
i couldn't stand the sight
of the innocent dieing
because the guilty must fight
and if id been given
the power of speech
nothing i'd say
could bring any peace
and travelling won't help
i'd never escape
a world of bad feeling
a world full of hate
with all their opinions
who would want to hear mine?
and my points of view
they would all fade in time
my mind would be poisonned
with all their beliefs
so who would want truth
when lies hide the grief
i lie here and think
i still have my thoughts
'never give up'
that's what they taught
they now have it all
my life's all i've got
and they're left to choose
to when that gets turned off

the title is COMA

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

this is what heaven on earth could be...

i wrote this for my friendly drug dealer when i was in my late teens, he was a good friend...he gave us drugs, he sold us drugs, he gave us drugs on loan....he was a good man

far away in a dream, in a heaven of mine
where the sky is sea blue, and the sun always shines
where the drugs grow from trees and they won't do no harm
we'll laze out in the sun, on your vitamin farm
we shall sweeten our tea, with a tea-spoon of speed
and the tea we shall make with dried opium leaves
and the poppies that come from the flowering plant
sit on top of our french loaf, as long as a branch
the flour is simply, the purest cocaine
we can eat all we like and no weight we shall gain
we are all content, happy and sure of ourselves
there's no jealousy, hatred, or bitter of mouths
anger, depression, they do not exist
without famine or illness no lives are at risk
in my heaven the bee's have no sting in their tails
there's no spiders, no worms and no slime leaving snails
we are friends with the lions
the birds sing us songs
and the monkeys roll spliffs for us....10 rizlas long!
we shall live as a family
animals and all
and with church all the weekend
we'll dance day till dawn
to the happiest hardcore we'll reach for the skies
and sing 'praise to the lord for this heaven of mine!..we are all truely grateful for vitamin E'!!!!
well
...it may not be real
..but
it don't hurt to dream

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

D

I never smoke weed, I hate it

Hello guys, this is my first thread here, I wanted to write this because there seems to be almost no one around me that is like me.

I am a regular drug user, my choice of drug is usually K.I occationally do acid.Ive used H in the past (even though I never IV'd, me and my gf used to get a good amount and snort it or smoke it), I was never an addict.

Its been a year since I quit weed and I never touched it except some incidents where people told me that the stuff really good and that I had to taste it, when I took 1 puff I usually got so high and I ultimatley regretteded it.

Weed gives me huge anxiety and lazyness even after 3 days of smoking, when I used to be a regular smoker I had to quit for a week for the anxiety to wear off.I used to really enjoy it at the beginning of my weed journey (first 3-4 months), I was an everyday smoker for 2 years, probably I had smiliar symptoms that I have today but it was so much of an escape at that time that I wouldn't quit.I always used to use weed to get to know people, I would smoke with them and we would have a great connection, since it wasn't that popular at the time around me, meeting with a weedsmoker and getting away from the group and just coming back high was just so much of an adventure.Now its smoked by everyone in my city just because its popular, which makes me sad.

Now, the first 10 minutes are a bit (esipacially the ritual of rolling it, and smoking it) enjoyable but after that I am just tired, even when I am laughing on weed, the high bothers me, I just can't enjoy myself so I never touch it.

Everyday tens of joints burn in front of me and I don't even take a single puff.Almost everyone I talk to wants to stop smoking weed and they always tell me how much they respect my descision of not smoking, but noone ever quits weed like I do, don't get me wrong there are people around me that don't smoke but those are the people who never do any other drugs, I am the only profile that takes chemicals but doesn't smoke weed.

I just can't like propery when there is thc in my body.

Is there anyone like me in the forum?
Or if anyone is trying to quit I can give them some tips, I would be really happy to help, it wasn't easy for me to quit.

Oct 22, 2018

deaxxz

D

therapist says we cant help go away

seriously that is what just happenned....my doctor refers me for help and this stupid fat bitch, after listenning to me open my fucking heart out and i'm honest as fuck and she tells me to go to AA or something similar WTF

Oct 22, 2018

BPD help plz

try to tell my Mum i'm about to die last night....

...so yeah, kids are staying at their dad's 300 miles away so what do i do??...i make up some DMT from Mimosa after hearing on youtube about people having 'life changing amazing experiences' and 'spiritual awakenings'.....so i put some with some legal weed and tobacco, i hollow out a small plastic lidded bottle so that i do not waste any 'DMT smoke' in between tokes and i put on the hunger games....what happens next is a bit of a blurr but it ended up with me dashing next door to Mum's to ask her if i was still alive.....she was making her dinner and asked if i wanted some...i grab a pear and begin eating it cos i thought it would stop me from dieing......my Mum puts a plate of food down and asks if i want ketchup....i do....i randomly eat at bits of food then tell Mum i'm about to die and she needs to phone 999....she being obviously unaffected by any substance made the suggestion i phone MIND ...we then both go upstairs in search of a number that is not 999.....i make random calls on her phone to check that i'mn not stuck in limbo and dead......then i speak with the NHS who eventually managed to talk me down...and ask me questions like am i bleeding excessively or have i been...err no.....am i likely to be violent?....no.....and on and on with silly but i guess relevant and in hindsight helpful questions as it brought me back to reality....they decide i can now form sentences and my breathing sounds calmer so they advise me not to smoke anymore DMT and have a nice night...or words to that effect...i then remain at Mums for a bit in tears at my pathetic actions....then i come home to find both my back and front door wide open.....i vaguely recall standing at my front door deciding whether to walk out (bare foot)....i clearly did not close it on the way to the back door to descend on my hungry mother to inform her of my imminent death and ruin her dinner plans.....

today i see that therapist for the first time.....i have a joint of DMT i have smoked on and off this morning....yes i am very stupid

Oct 22, 2018

BPD help plz

bought chloroform and fuck knows why

....yep, i was remembering my young teenage years and tipp-ex thinner....so i think i'll just search for it on e-bay....find lots of tipp-ex, no thinner though...so i google it...find out it was no longer used as it affected the o-zone but it was actually 'trichloroethane'.....so i look that up and discover trichloromethane and that seems pretty cheap for a litre so i buy some (ebay) then i look it up on google.....its fucking 'choroform!' woo-hoo i'm gonna have some fun oblivion times with that.....and get this....trichoroethane is also a type of chloroform.....interesting to learn that as a school kid i used to tip a kind of chloroform on my school uniform sleeve and inhale it by mouth out of choice.....so what kind of fucked up world is it where you can no longer purchase your 'medication' of 6 years that kept you functioning by and large like a respectable member of the human race raising young children who would not dream of turning their kitchen into the shit hole mimosa DMT extraction lab it is today let alone allow their house descend into a shit hole pit of disgustingness whilst purchasing chloroform off ebay for no apparent good reason what-so-ever whilst having 'help!' carved into my upper arm with a craft knife along with a few other self cutting mutilations which i did yesterday evening after the kids dad kept on at me about the state of my house to the degree that i wanted to scream CUNT at him and tear his head off....retreating quietly into my shit-pit kitchen to find a fresh craft knife to slice away at my upper arm so i could feel the calm release as the blood slowly seeped out was defo a preferable way to release tension than to physically be-head the kids dad in front of them.......

Oct 21, 2018

BPD help plz

....oh for fucks sake fuck me and call me simon

....so yeah, kids dad coming down and i know that as soon as he see's the state of this place what his reaction will be....if he doesn't fucking like it he can fucking tidy it....here he is....and he said hello...waiting waiting...he's not mentionned anything...that will probably come later when he's pissed, he's bought his regular 2 bottles of red...he's in a good mood...for now, he knows i'm fucked anyway...i think it makes him feel superior to me as i am the problem person and he is the upstanding model of rightousness and normality...i have just read that out to him and i think he is quite pleased, he had asked me, you see, if i was on 'that druggy site'...yes i tell him...i'm doing my blog i tell him...i tell him i don't care about people reading or not reading but its good to keep a diary...he then says 'i've just had to go to my bank in camborne coz my drug deal went wrong'...i tell him that yes...i have already mentionned about that.....he had also previously began listing various incidents revolving around me and drugs in the past....mentionning about when i lived up his way and would get my crack delivered to my door like a pizza...oh yes...the good ol days...except in monetary terms of course a crack habit is not a good idea what-so-ever unless you are fortunate enough to have the financial income to sustain it...and of course...not be a parent....

...the good ol days would certainly be when i could get 'legal highs' delivcered by the postman....or rather my MPA, my medicene....when that..being the first of its kind (since mephedrone) to be given a temporary ban...i found 3fpm....and blah blah blah oh fuck all this on a saturday

fuck fuck cunt bollox shit arse cunting fucker bastard arsehole

drugs glorious drugs i'm desperate to ave some
speed, amphetamines YES i got cash here to buy em
just thinking of getting high my senses go reeling
one moment of having that...fucked up feeling!!
so DRUGS glorious DRUGS fabulous DRUGS
GIVE ME SOME DRUGS

Oct 20, 2018

BPD help plz

yesterday i try to buy adderral online

....yes that is what i tried to do, found a website, looked clearly dodgy as fuck but what the hell if i can't get it over here i'll fucking buy it online and this was the only site that came up....should have had alarm bells ring with the questionable use of the english language and the fact that they sold MDMA (apparently....its for treating ADHD y'know....according to them...$15 a tablet and in packs of 40....obviously i did not add them to cart and glossed over this big red flag)....i added 80 adderral to cart....i was going to add double that but figured i'd wait to make sure i received them first....the total came to $380. and there was the option to pay by card, so i did...checked my emails, order on hold waiting for payment....i begin to feel apprehensive....they then e-mail saying they can't take card payments and tell me to pay western union....so then i have to cancel my card as obviously they have my details, they are based in the punjab in pakistan and i should imagine the sale of ones card details over there would be lucrative business.....this also results in me having to travel to my bank today to show them ID to stop the hold put onto my account.....i ordered a taxi last night for 11:30 this morning, my daughter comes with me, as does my Mum, my son had plans with his girlfriend to meet some bi-sexual 'friend' of theirs for the first time......i know, sounds dodgy but he did clear this up with me....it turns out not to be as dodgy as it sounds.

......so no fucking adderral....my kids dad is coming down today and my daughter told him over the phone this morning what we had planned...ie going to bank so i can still access my account.....this info waves a red flag for him....i tell him its coz i had to stop my card yesterday to make sure a payment wasn't taken......'payment for what? your drugs?'.....he knows...i tell him about trying to buy adderral....i tell my Mum about trying to buy adderral....i tell her in the taxi on the way....i tell her i had looked up adderral and found that it doesnt get prescribed as its a controlled substance and i'd probably be able to get a prescription for cannabis before i could get a prescription for adderral, i tell her because its an amphetamine.....Mum does not know what this means.....i tell her its a medicinal form of the street drug 'Speed'...which Mum probably still didn't understand......thing is my kids dad could probably get me speed....i used to buy it off a mate of his when i lived with him...obviously without his knowledge......i know that he wouldn't do that for me though....

.....my Dad phoned yesterday, still no joy buying anything online for me but one of his daughters over there has a friend who works for some company that has something to do with chemical manufacturing so apparently she's going to ask them.....really the dad in spain option looks pretty fucked....its all looking pretty fucked...oh well...next week after the undoubtedly fucked up waste of time session with my therapist on monday......i shall have some mimosa snowballs in my freezer to come home to scape out and smoke ....i shall start off the procedure on sunday...or perhaps tomorrow after ....oh....silly me...tomorrow is sunday...so yeah..that

shit on the sidewalk and fuck the fairies

Oct 20, 2018

BPD help plz

Saving Myself

Addiction is truly deadly.

However I have come to see addiction can vary greatly and some addictions can be healthy.

I want to discuss the concept of addiction in future entries but let me make clear right now that it is my choice whether I kill myself with drugs or live to see another day. That is my choice. No one else, nothing else can make that choice for me. And yet I don't claim to be totally capable of being powerful enough to guard against making ill choices so I rely on powers greater than myself to guide me.

Guide, not carry.

Oct 19, 2018

Save

fuck shit cunt bastards

OMFChrist!! thought i'd do a little google research into adderral prescriptions in the UK and it's FUCKING ILLEGAL fuuuuuccckkkk FUUUUCCKKK FUUCKK

FUCKING UK!!!

oh fuck it sucks being fucking british....why the fuck anybody wants to come to this god forsaken country is really far beyond me this is total fucking bollox.....where is that bridge....i'm going to that fucking bridge on monday...that bridge can be my fucking therapist....

bridge to me 'how can i help you today?'

me to bridge ' dont move'

SPLATT

end of me

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz

fucking crap

Been out walking and bought a Pyrex dish for a pound in a charity shop, have a 'method, saved of how to make methcathinone, had tried to follow it once before, have shit loads of cold meds that i've bought off ebay ...previously i tried using citric acid in place of hydrochloric acid as it mentions just to add a few drops to stablise the PH so i improvised.....of course it was a fucking failure....now i have hydrochloric acid...and now i have a pyrex dish, last time i used a pyrex jug and felt that it prob should be more 'spread out' anyway, it wouldn't have worked and i also think i got the bit wrong with the pomengrate whatsit stuff, i don't understand that section...it seemed to suggest putting a load into water, measure out a tiny amount with a syringe then it seems to suggest nothing further with the remaining lot so i tipped it away....wish my science teacher had been more interesting then perhaps i'd be able to make more sense about the reactions thus ensuring that i have more understanding about what each stage is achieving rather than to stumble along blindly trying to follow instructions that i do not understand....i can follow any cooking instructions....give me a recipe and the ingredients and i can follow it and produce the results...if only the same could be said with this cos if i could only make it myself then i can make my own medicene in my own kitchen and actually join humanity once more.....YES FOR ME IT IS MEDICENE!! i am the fucking walking cunt shouting zombie otherwise...i live in a shit heap as i have no incentive to do fuck all with it.

....didn't go to the doctors to collect my prescription in the end, will either have to do that later or monday when i walk to or from that appt with the therapist....i warned my Mum how i might react should he harp on about the merits of talking and being drug free....sure that's an ideal if i could function like that but having tried hard for 3 years only to find that i'm on the edge of suicide and buying lots of random poison as i know or heard somewhere its used to make meth.....i've poisoned myself with colmans fuel in a bid to self medicate, had a mini breakdown and considered seriously jumping off the bridge in the middle of town so at least my kids won't have to find my corpse when they come home from school and the public spectacle of my death would at least make the papers so it could benefit them financially.....hey...if i'm going to kill myself i might as well do it fucking properly...

over 10% of people with borderline personality disorder WILL die from suicide.......the only thing keeping me alive is the fact i do not forget to breathe and i am very well aware of the devastation i will leave behind for my kids...after all they're already not up for hearing that the worst could have happenned to our cat Lionel and shit, we only had him 7 months and Katniss had always been the favourite ...yes...she is still around....she is trusted to stay indoors at night

my daughter is back.....

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz

new day no snorting

New day and same same but different to yesterday, watched 'The Exorcist' with my 9 year old daughter, first time she's watched it all the way through, she did get a bit bored though in the parts where, i guess for a 9 year old, nothing much seems to happen, so i had to explain why certain parts were actually there to give context to latter parts of the movie.....11:30 is getting close and that is when Mum wants us to go for a walk, should really pick up my meds from the pharmacy even though they have not text to say they're ready, they should be.....i don't think they'll want another 'cunt' episode.

taken a modafinil and a spoonful of kratom, think another spoonful is in order just so that i'm not too 'tetchy' when we get to the doctors.

i'll take my 4 cocodomol and 4 dihydracodeine when i get back from our walk

can't stop fantasising about the good ol days when i could buy what i needed online and have it delivered by the postman, Dad phoned yesterday and is not having any luck with buying legal highs in Spain, surely it's not as hard as he's makinmg it out to be....FUCK!!

yes this is sooooo boring as shit...and this is my life

my life is FUCKED

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz