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told kids dad about last weeks DMT meltdown......ooops

and i'm fucking kicking myself for it....what a fucking twat i am.....

fuck, fuck shit arse cunt fuck wit bastard FUCK FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!
SHIT
shit
oh what to do
no taking it back now.....just blurted it out there....i guess the modafinil and the 4 x phenibut gave me a loose mouth and i blabbed like a drunkard.....i should have had the inner voice of sense chirp in to remind me how phenibut effects are similar to that of alchohol......so i just take another 4 and this time remind myself that phenibuts effects are similar to that of alchohol so that when the kids dad does get back from taking our daughter out to tesco i shall tell myself to SHUT THE FUCK UP and say no more

even my son told me i shouldn't have said that....he said that his dad had been harping on how i always take drugs and have boys over when they are away....errrr....excuse me???....come on!!!....without showering??.....yes i did comb my hair yesterday and wrapped it back up in silk and tucked it into my cap that i keep virtually nailed to my head as i even sleep in it (i've found that this way, my hair doesn't get too tangled....my hair has not been cut for over 20 years so comes down past my knees)<<<<<<wtf?1! irrelevant crap...but true

....arrranyway.....oh and apparently he thinks i'm still going to marry the crazy psycho stranger i met online last year as he keeps talking about him....yeah...i was engaged...yeah right!!!...omg...that's another WTF moment....WTF was i thinking and / or doing....thankfully he was stupid enough to put 6 months down for his length of stay here in the UK having never left the states before so got stopped and held at the airport....at the time i was devastated but got over it pretty quickly when he continued face-timing me and telling me he was Lucifer....yeah...that was a crazy BPD impulse moment.....and yes, another reason why i quit drinking....OMG i really thought i was gonna marry this nutter....but hey....who am i to talk with the shit hole house....except it is tidy atm....yes still tidy wow

so yeah....oh dear....

Katniss cleans herself and looks at me as if to say 'was i mistake mommy'? ...no dear darling kitty....you are my spirit animal and yes you may have been purchased under the influence of alchohol but you and i were / are meant to be.....

dumm de dumm...i am sooooo dum fucking stupid oh dear...kids dad is gonna be a pissed up prick tonight....he's invited himself to stay till monday as our son has a load of homework to do and he's not doing it...he didn't take it with him to his dads to do....and he's still not making a start....and i can see monday morning coming and him trying to pull a day off school for the fact that he hasn't done his homework and he's too scared to face the consequences and he knows his Mum is a bit of an easy target right now as well.....i'm a bit fucking mental and i call people cunts....well....actually i haven't done that for a bit but i did tell the therapist to go to weight watchers to make a point....ha...i take it all back that i'm not stewing on that session....course i'm fucking stewing....it's something i can't stop mentionning....its taken over the dissapearance of Lionel

oh dear oh dear oh dear

oh thank goodness for this blog.....i gotta say....this blog is very therapeutic......i'd reccomend blogging to anyone...it helps.....just don't harp on as much as i do

i harp on and on i score 0 points....i tell kids dad about me taking DMT during the time the kids spent up at his in a quest for spiritual enlightenment (in a FAILED attempt) i score 0 points......i roast my cat in the oven i get disowned by my kids and never EVER forgive myself but score 4 points...not that high due to animal cruelty and i can barely allow myself to even type about that let alone THINK it

its a 0 point day

ZERO
minus 20 for saying those AWFUL things about my cat

i turn oven on

i put myself in oven and close the door

i go back to zero

its getting hot

i go up to 5 points

WHAT THE BLEEDING FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT

phenibut eh :sus:

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

its just like christmas!!!! breaking bad episode

had the urge to come on here a type a thought, a memory if you will, that just came to me during an episode of breaking bad, the one where Gale is openning the packages of the lab they are setting up with Gus and Victor and he says 'it's just like christmas!'....reminded me of a time about 14-15 years ago when i went and 'travelled' to do a bit of work for a sister company of an autistic spevctrum organisation which a friend of the family was a director for....i had worked for them between stints of travelling to Goa when i lived in Surrey before moving to Cornwall....i had gotten excited about the prospect of a position openning back up in Surrey so i could go back and work for them again, this was exciting as all my friends lived in Surrey and i missed them...i even had hopes of this being the beginning of perhaps me moving back to Surrey and having a job and getting a place to live back up there....on awaiting a phone call from them....i got no call and ended up in tears of dissappointment so my Mum phoned our family friend and later that evening another director (friend of our family friend) phoned me to suggest me 'helping out' in Devon which is about an hours drive (i don't drive but my Mum did).....he mentionned that they had bought a 'unit' that was a hotel that i could stay at....you see what they did was look after autistic people in a 'home like setting'...they would buy houses of various size and adapt them to 'safely' house the autistic people....many of which were 'non verbal' and 'highly challenging'...which is a polite way of saying...prone to acts of spontaneous violence....so this , although wasn't going to be my exciting move back to Surrey to see my friends.....was still a good way of earning money....i would be staying at a big empty hotel...by myself....and would be collected and dropped off back to said abode at the start and end of each shift by appointed staff members....hey sounds fab huh!?? so i agree.....i'd never really been to Devon....i'd be staying on 'the english riviera' as its known for its beautiful setting and climate (????) and just a stones throw from the famous 'Fawlty Towers' (there is actually a hotel there where the series was filmed)...but you'd have to have been a super human throwing the stone...but you get my drift.

....So on arriving there...me and Mum have a little walk round the seaside town and then find lots of charity shops....we were suckers for charity shops and there were a plenty!!.....we then find the hotel and there is a staff member there to welcome me....he's bringing lots of boxes in and putting them down in the gigantic hallway......all brand new appliances of all kinds...like a toaster, a hoover, cutlery, kettle etc....it seemed...like it was for Gale....just like christmas!!!...anyway...i don't really know where i was going with this....and my daughter has come downstairs

.....also my daughter had also mentionned how she woke and heard slience then just a bunch of tapping....of the computer keyboard...ie...me typing.....she said she's happy that i'm getting up early (again)...i forgot earlier to take into account the fact the clocks had gone back...and i had not set my clock back so its an hour earlier than i said in my earlier blog...so i got up round 6ish...and now its 8ish....we then had a little chat about what i used to do for the 6 years when i always got up early and what had happenned 3 years ago when they had to call 999 cos i had a drug induced psychosis....i explained that it wasn't 'drugs' like 'street drugs' that they were substances i bought online and i could no longer get what i had been taking for 6 years.....so i took pot-luck and bought a combination of substances that had that unwarranted effect on me.....thus leaving me to throw them out......

so i begin on one point and end on a different one altogether

but i score 0 points

my cat is darting around like a nutter....perhaps if i strip my clothes off in the street scream at the top of my voice....run and knock on all the doors and skip wildly round in the middle of the street with my cat following me....we both dart wildly about the street together like total nutters.....i score 6 points

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

kids dad tries to share my bed last night

.....its ok...i sleep in my clothes...i haven't always slept in my clothes....i used to change into night clothes...even shower and then change into night clothes.....when i had mpa each day 6 years ago.....for the last approx year i have slept in my clothes...then mental scruff that i am......the kids dad had his usual 2 bottles.....he remained quite a jolly drunk as opposed to a nasty drunk....i went to bed at about 9pm as did my daughter...we top and tail on a small double bed that is part of a bunk bed...the top bunk is scattered with clothes that need to be put away....it is also where Katniss often goes to sleep...last night she went to sleep next to my daughters head, by my feet.....at about 1am i'm awoken by a drunken jolly kids dad telling me to budge up.....he's fully clothed (he'd be told off massively otherwise!!! come one!!! our daughters in the bed too!! not that he'd stand a chance...that ship has sailed!!!)....he wants a 'cuddle' so i let him lie next to me and give him a cuddle...and then he says....and this is coming from a drunk who usually calls me a selfish cunt of a selfcentred selfish cunt....he says 'don't you believe what you think you are'....if that came from someone on here i'd hive it deep thought....but it was the ramblings of a drunk who admitted himself that it had taken even him by surprise.....so eventually he'd outstayed his welcome...even Katniss had gotten off the bed after having her 'spot' contaminated by 'man scent'....she sat in her hall cleaning herself in disgust......he left....took a piss...tried and failed to flush my toilet....went to bed on the high sleeper in my sons room that was once my bed...that he had to put together for me 3 years ago...that was like the 'krypton factor' or rubiks cube of all beds...by Steens.....anyone who has ever had something from that company will know that nothing they sell flatpack is a simple put together like Ikea stuff....no NO!!! ....if i had tried to put that bed together i'd have ended up crying in a heap on the floor just looking at the instructions....but i'm not completely pathetic as the 3 sleeper bunk bed in (what was 'the kids room' now...) my daughters and my bedroom.....i put that together all by myself!!! that was about 3 years ago....

so its now 7:50am...clocks went back last night....i am the first person up...my son slept over his friends house last night......I"M THE FIRST PERSON UP!!! this always was the case for 6 years that i took MPA...i was always the first up then.....and i would come downstairs and take my morning hit of MPA around 4-5am and then hoover the house....seriously...i did that

i get up first...i score 0 points, i get up last...i score 0 points...i don't get up at all...i score 0 points....i get up in the night and open all the windows, throw the entire kitchen out the window and dangle the cat outside.....5 points

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

D

Hydro after drinking

If I drank 3 beers 6 hrs ago, am I okay to take 2-3 Vicodin 5/325? Or am I still at risk because of drinking at all. I?ve taken hydro before but never within 24 hrs of drinking anything, so I?m a bit hesitant

Oct 28, 2018

Mel22

30 minutes

kids will be back in about half an hour......dmt jars away....check (aswell as pretty much empty...we're talking scraping tobacco round the sides in desperation)......house kinda tidy...check

ordered cat food for Katniss, she shouldn't have to keep putting up with Aldi cat food.....my daughter knows which food to get

i guess i should use the remaining 30 minutes to meditate in silence...it will not be silent for long....hmm yoga??

its cold

its dark

its time to put the heating on and switch on the lights

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

back to reality.....

sighhh....so....sorry about that....way off with the fairies there but at least i wasn't dashing round to Mum's telling her i'm about to die....now the dmt jars are away in the cupboard.....about an hour or so my kids will be back.....i'm no longer communicating with a dmt being that i, under a dmt hit, decided had taken over my computer and wanted to excitedly talk to me.....as dmt experiences have gone so far....at least that wasn't one of impending doom....i guess the dmt spirits decided that if i'm ever going to meet with them again we had to part on friendlier terms.....so long little dmt fairies...nice knowing you for the week...you've shown me many things....

so back to my pepsi max...even tho really its rather late for caffiene...but i did not take those diazepam earlier, i ate toast instead....so now i shall take the diazepam to counteract the caffeine....

sooo...that was a bit of a 'glitch in the matrix experience ' i can't quite put into words

i will not break any windows today......today i score 0 points

you do not score points for tidying your house....you do not score points for not tidying your house....i think maybe you score points for tidying your doctors office whilst undertaking a doctors visit....dr to me 'how can i help you today?;'

me to dr ........(i just move about her office tidying up and asking where the hoover is whilst i put on a pair of cleaning gloves)

dr scores me 7 points

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

someting wants me to type this and i do not what

its like something is telling me to type excitedly and i'm not sure what or who but it is me and this is what dmt does to me and i shit what was that

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

Proactive vs reactive

so here's a thought, whilst i am smoking some dreggs of dmt that i've been scraping out of my glass jar and taking a break from watching breaking bad so i can type it here whilst its fresh in thought as i just even wrote the words down in biro so i can remember it for my upcoming doctors appointment.....its 4pm....my kids will be back around 6ish so i'm just smoking the dreggs...ok judge me i dont care....but here's a thought.....would it not be better that i have some help...a therapist...something...anything as opposed to making my own dmt cos i cannot function coz 3 years ive been 'clean' but have been the walking dead....but my doctor had been quite happy to prescribe me fuck all and let me rot and only intervenre when i show up at A&E coz my kids dialed 999 coz i'm having a drug induced psychosis....what does it take to get help these days...if i went out right now and smashed a shop window and tried to rob the place...then there would be an intervention of some kind...that is called reaction....reactive...now to prevent this from happening why isn't somebody helping me...that is called 'proactive' its when you intervene early and treat a smaller problem to prevent it from escalating into a far larger problem which will then require enlisting the efforts of many organisations...police.....emergency services, mental health services etc etc whatever the procedure it takes when a mentally ill person desperate for assistance loses it and reacts to implusivity and creates distruction......is that what it will take to get some kind of help...if so then that is what i'll have to do...if i cannot get anybody to help me now i will have to take drastic measures and smash something and say 'see i told you weeks ago...i came to you asking for help...you said i didn't have enough points....now i smash i window, now i ruin somebody elses property and affect their livelihood now i have points!!)....how many points do i get for smashing a window....or better...break into a chemist...or even better...take a crow bar into a pharmacist and threaten them to hand over their prescription drugs....or better....tell them to stand back while i go and help myself to their prescription drugs....how many points will i get from that...i bet then i'll get help...and i'll get high first too...and i'll make the papers so my kids could financialy benefit off their crazy mothers actions.....hmmm...points

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

Mum come round and we tidied the house

yes!!.....i now have a pretty tidy looking house...it wasn't a truely thorough clean and tidy but it was enough to make a difference and the place no longer resembles that shit hole house in breaking bad where jesse rescues the lil kid off his junkie low life parents....my house now looks acceptable.

i've pretty much smoked all the DMT , not that much was extracted.....i'm thinking that maybe its more an issue with the quality of the mimosa poweder as i bought it as powder as opposed to the first time when i powdered it myself....anyway, was getting a bit sick of it tbh....now there's progress!! me sick of getting high!!...wow....no really...WOW.....hmm i do ponder on that statement....in your face warts-on-cunt!!

so i've also been pondering on this....the so called 'therapy session' the one i've been stewing on about......this is how it started.....warts-on-cunt 'therapist' comes to get me from the waiting area....i'm with my mum who is unsure whether to come too......i declare that i would like mum to come too....seeing as mum has witnessed my various fuck ups throughout my life mum could be a useful by-stander to put points accross if i should forget anything...etc...whatever...anyway....warts-on-cunt can't open the security door, it needs a code and she's putting in the wrong one.....she goes to get the correct one.....why i'm using all this detail i do not know.....so.....we get to the therapy room.....my expectations are 'here we go, i will get some sort of help....i'm now in the right place with the right people who will help'.......warts-on-cunt introduces herself and shakes my hand and sits down and explains that every tuesday they have a meeting where herself and other 'experts' in the mental health field sit down and discuss all the various people who come in to decide what the best course of treatment will be.......then the rest i've pretty much covered....how i'm open and honest about various parts of my life but skip over the eating disorders as i see she is very fat herself and i do not want to offend her...then she ends it all by saying they can't help (in her opinion....but they would have the meeting on the tuesday but shes quite sure that everyone else will agree with her)......from the phone call when i call her to ask why , in her opinion they couldn't help, she says that she didn't say that they couldn't help she just said that it was her opinion but they would still have the meeting on the tuesday....i press her further and she talks about a point system.....then i tell her that its all very well telling me how to live a healthy life when she is fat and could do with trying to sort that out herself.....at least i am trying to sort out my problems, i am asking my doctor for help, my doctor sends me there as she thinks that they will be able to help, her help was as good as shit on a shoe......but there will still be this meeting on tuesday where it is my understanding that i will be discussed by a bunch of strangers who have never met me except for warts-on-cunt....but are apparently experts in mental health.....hmmmm....but warts on cunt did not wish to discloise to me what she has written about me...!!?? wtf?? there in her drawers somewhere in her office is some paper that relates to my life....as she has written from an hour and a half where...come on....look at the patronising cows outlook on things.....so they are the experts???...no here is the expert....i am the expert....i have lived my life and i know the mistakes i have made and i know how i am now suffering and i know it in turn makes my kids suffer and so i am trying to ask for help....but no-body wants to help....what does that say about society in general??

i don't know what point i'm trying to make here....just i know i think too much sometimes...

but my house is tidy and my cat Katniss is curled up next to me and i'm gonna drink some pepsi max and vape with maybe a couple diazepam and watch some breaking bad

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

kids back today later

and what did i do, i woke up and smoked a joint with DMT though obviously and quite luckily not enough to have some serios hedonistic event take place, just enough to wonder if my cat Katniss is my spirit animal as she proudly presents me with her catch of the day....a feather.....i stroke her and tell her what a clever cat she is...after all....it is part of a bird....the best part for me having in the house...i am very pleased that she hasn't actually followed her killer cat instincts and produced a dead bird in the house...no a feather....i'm very happy with a feather

and i hardly have any more DMT to get rid of before the kids get back....so i won't have to hide it anywhere as all i shall have is an innocent pouch of tobacco....which i won't smoke as i do not smoke i vape....kids dad will come with his 2 bottles of wine....and despite having been tempted to ask my brother whilst they were stopping at mums and we had 'family traditional Paella' if i could have a glass of his wine i refrained as i do not drink....i used to...6 months ago 2 bottles of wine was the norm and sometimes even over that....but i stopped......i realised that it made me do stupid shit...like buy 2 cats in rented accomodation that does not allow pets.......so i'm a non drinker and non smoker so you'd think i'm doing all the correct things to live a healthy life....except according to warts-on-cunt i should also join narcotics annonyomous.....that will happen the day she joins weight watchers and deals with her unhealthy lifestyle....but hey, thats past now....and get this, i don't even stew over it anymore...well maybe a tiny bit at her telling me in a patronising way that i wasn't aggrophobic....but at least i said my piece to her and if i hadn't done that then i would be stewing like fuck....

even my mum considered what i said to have been 'acceptable'....my dad thinks it genius as does my kids dad .....i have not yet told my kids.....i shall only do that if they ask about it....which i'm thinking they won't as they'll want to tell me all about blackpool....i wonder if they'll mention the bit about their nan and her brandy.

so its 9am and i bit more DMT left to smoke then i'm back to having a drug free house......except of course for the prescription drugs.

get this....i pay my daughter to post my prescription....she likes the extra money but its literally just a 2 minute walk.....and i'm not aggrophobic

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

dilema of where to hide the DMT

kids coming back tomorrow.....i extracted DMT this morning and scraped it onto tobacco....there is too much for me to smoke in a day without me having a flip out like i did before and dash round to my Mum's to tell her i'm gonna die, no, especially not while my brother is down with my nephews....so i have the DMT on my tobacco and i had been putting it on a high shelf in my sons room while he was away....so that it was out of Mum's sight...but not a place to put it when the kids get back which will be some time tomorrow afternoon....hmmm...perhaps i could have smoked it all by then...

gotta say though, the more i go through the process the less and less i seem to extract, you'd think that i would be getting better not worse...but i guess considering that the kids are back tomorrow and my nephews are still staying next door and...oh fuck...i gotta go over later as bro is making Paella and as my youngest nephew (age 10) said 'its tradition'.....so yeah i gotta go over there for dinner later...and i have all this DMT to smoke

i gonna take my co-codamols and dihydrocodeines for my back to calm me down

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

point scoring system

before i fly away on a DMT hit to i dont know, the mental health system is point scored...this apeared to be what this therapist was saying on the phone before i delivered my therapy to her......so a point system....how many points did i score i wonder?? its the same with the damned benefits system....you have to score points......where do these points come from and how is it they are scored?? at this rate if i were to break a bone that needed hospital treatment are they then going to say...sorry not enough points for that break.....you should see the breaks where the bone comes through the skin to score enough points for it to be treated.....has that what the human race boils down to now, we're just all walking talking 'point ' earners.....and stupid fat cunts like the breezeblock in a dress scores them??? yet she did not like me to tell her my point system for her which was made up of factual points and not little boxes ticked on a piece of paper...am i making sense only to myself here or has the entire world gone fucking POINT SYSTEM CRAZY

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

kids Nan stopped at Blackpool pleasure beach

so here's an ironic moment.....just spoken with kids dad who has had kids for the half term...they went to Blackpool as there's a fair up there that the kids love, they always have to have someone else tag along as it doesn't work with the 3 of them...my 9 year old daughter obviously doesn't want to go on the big rollercoasters that her 12 year old brother does so their Nan comes with them (the kids dad's mum)....now going onto the pleasure beach (as its called) you have to go through security and their Nan got stopped for trying to smuggle brandy into the fair....just what is that meant to say to the kids who are very well aware of me and that for 6 years i took what i took (they did not know at the time but they do know now) to function...they are aware that for 3 years me health has deteriorated....they have borne witness to an occaision where i had a DMT freak out, they stuck up for me in front of my mother saying that what my doctor gives me doesn't help so i had been trying to make my own medicene but it was obviously to the right one......

so their Nan has 6 mini bottles taken off her at the entrance of the pleasure beach and they gave her a raffle ticket so she could collect them on the way out....the kids dad asked her 'Mum what did you bring them for?'...she tells him that she likes having a bit of brandy in her coffee and she like to drink alot of coffee........on the way out the kids dad could not find the raffle ticket so his mum went and found the guy who took them off her and her gave them back and appologised and said that he shouldn't have taken them off her...she replied..'no you shouldn't'....now their nan is in her 70's....they went and had fish and chips before setting off on the drive back and their nan is putting the brandy in her coffee and offers one to her son...the kids dad 'here you go son, have some of that in your coffee'...he says 'no mum i'm driving'....she says 'oh one won't hurt!'....he abstained though...so how about that...what are the kids meant to think now about substance abuse of all kinds when their Nan gets stopped at blackpool pleasure beach for trying to smuggle in brandy.....

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

new morning new snowballs

so yeah, i mean i still have around 150grams of powdered mimosa....or had...or maybe still have actually, last night i decide to do some DMT extraction but i manage to do it without turning my tidy(ish) kitchen into the shit heap that it was.....this morning i have to go and get more tobacco off Mum....of course this is always now a red flag and bless her she asks me if it means anything...i hate to lie....i really do, i don't know really why i decide to do that last night other than the fact that i can....and the kids are still away (although my nephews are staying next door but they are all going out on some jolly today)......

but my soap still looks good....if i dug deep enough through all the crap in my kitchen i would unearth bees-wax granules and coconut oil (which is more a solid than an oil in a UK winter / autumn climate) and err Shah butter?? no that does not sound right but something like that...oh i bought mountains of all this crap 9 years ago as i was going to make my own cosmetics and soaps and oh all sorts...i was going to have my very own business and the works....and yet i did not....but 9 years later i have made my first lot of soap so i have made some progress there and if it hadn't been for extracting DMT i would not now be the proud owner of some hand made soap.....as i have mentionned before i had always been nervous about the lye and water mixing and yet its a piece of piss as i do that to extract DMT....and no i won't tell you how...as it is against the rules....but i have already listed a way of making soap...but i would strongly urge anybody wishing to try soap to google it as opposed to try and follow my not very clear instructions....my cat Katniss keeps darting in and out like a crazy cat...she is dissmissive of her food from Aldi...i guess Aldi do not make cat food that appeals to her but she had been rather spoilt lately...but the posh food i had been buying her is no longer on special offer and the Aldi food is perfectly edible so i'm afraid Katniss ...that's your lot for now.

last night i went to bed thinking about what i had said to that woman.....i am still fucked off with her patronising way of telling me i am not aggrophobic...anyway that's one to take to my doctor when i see her and i shall be putting in a complaint about her.....since when is it a therapists job to tell someone they do not suffer from something when they do not know the half of it.....i mean it can't just be me that thinks that is simply MENTAL and a big NO NO.....oh someone to a therapist......i'm anorexic.....therapist to that person.....no you are not....?????.......anyway......at least i KNOW that what i have said to her will be staying with her for a good long time and that very very long pause where i was even thinking 'has she put the phone down?'......had left her clearly speechless....i guess its not everyday that a therapist listens to somebody they have told some dumb arse useless advice to....to come back to them with some very well worded points that they could not have put better themselves....yes....yesterday i gave therapy...my own special type of therapy....to a dumb arse warts-on-cunt therapist who will not be forgetting it in a hurry....

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

i write poetry don't you know

kind of obvious what this one is about...i wrote it in Goa years ago...i wrote it about someone i met in Goa years prior...who i then came back with...and then...well ..can you guess??

with solitude your only friend
it shares your secrets, and your sins
the world has darkened through the eyes
from which you seek your scarlet dreams
so welcomed by your out-stretched arms
which bare your self destructive tracks
extended by the weakest will
the path you burn
leaves no way back
this liquid gold that fills your veins
erases all you left behind
yet still you yearn for days gone by
such empty hopes to fill your mind
your choice of poison blinds you
to the scattered ash of all you've lost
for what you cook upon your spoon
tranquility
.....with hidden costs
you've sold your soul
now close your eyes
you care for only what you crave
the devil comes in many forms
now watch your demon dig your grave

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

Have you ever used cannabis? Even once?

Well then...I'm glad you're here...

Wright State University Boonshoft School of Medicine researchers, in collaboration with researchers from Columbia University and the University of Massachusetts, are conducting a survey on cannabis use trends.

This survey is open to all of the Bluelight community, including guest visitors.

To participate in this research study, you need to meet the following requirements:
1) Be 18 years of age or older;
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The survey is about 15 minutes long.
The survey has been approved by the ethics committees at each participating university.

Please, use the buttons at the bottom of the survey page (NOT your browser’s ‘back’ and ‘forward’ buttons) to move through the survey.

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Survey link

DO THIS! It only takes a couple of minutes. Everyone that completes this survey and posts that they have done so will receive a super special gift from me. Everyone that views this and doesn't complete it...well...a pox on your house!

Have a nice day efriends, and thank you in advance for your participation

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

hey

what's up, stalkers?

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

Blog Guidelines

Thought it was time for a repost of the guidelines...

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Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

yesterday me and Mum clean my kitchen...the mimosa DMT lab

....yes...i have a tidy and clean (ish....the floor still needs doing) kitchen.....i still have powdered Mimosa though, the bag is labelled 'purple dye' so my saintly Mum is blind to it......deep down she knows i'm only going to make more....she's said as much....and not so deep down i know she's right....but i do have to make sure that its when the kids are not around...

my brother is down with my nephews, he arrived sometime last night, i noticed during the night that he'd text me round midnight asking if i would be joining them for dinner today.....i shall reply no thankyou later....i do not really want to risk blurting out obscenities in my nephews company....plus me and bro oftentimes come to disagreements and heated discussions such as brothers and sisters do.....i know he means well....but i do wonder if he also has borderline personality disorder as, like me, he is prone to losing his temper in aggressive ways.....hmm actually....can't think of impulsive behaviour though.....and he has always been able to hold down a job and what he does he is very good at and clearly earns quite well, well enough for him to pay a mortgage on a house for his kids and their mother his ex-partner.....and pay rent on a house for himself, have a nice car, have holidays, buy nice food and wine, go out and socialise.......yeah he does alright for himself.....he's funny too, in a dark humour sarcastic way, my son very much adopts quite alot of my brothers traits.

yeah i know....i gotta keep calling the therapist cunt-er-man to ask why they would be unable to help me and that i'd been giving thought to her helpful suggestions on how to life a healthy lifestyle but wondered why she was not able to follow these herself if things were that easy.....should i give her some tips on how to lose weight?....'because you are not healthy the weight that you are and its not fair on people around you especially in crowded places as you take up too much room'.....yes i keep adding to reasonable points to raise on the pitfalls of her obesity and what i may suggest to her in order to help her live a healthier lifestyle......when i told my Mum that i was awaiting a call back from her yesterday and what i planned to say to her Mum was very dissapointed and defo against it.....i told her that i would just raise these points to my doctor who i have made another appointment with on the 4th november 8:40am as the referral was hardly the breakthrough we'd all been hoping for.....i'm aching to know what Alisn Cuntermans diagnosis of me is...the fat fuck therapist.....dont join the dots even tho we should...NAME AND SHAME THE PIG!!';...it is quite rightly against the rules....even my Dad, who is for me questioning her lifestyle to make a point....says i should remove her name...and alas...i'm also adding to a very patient (so far...as she's a yoga fanatic) moderators work load...you know who you are...and i might just come to you for therapy

......some people are just so very unsuited to their job and Cunilson Warts-on-cunt is one of those.....years ago i went back to college to study psychology health and social care, thats what she would have had to study to be in her job...so yes i do know she fucking SUCKS at it.

as always a post to no-where

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

warts-on-cunt phoned me back!!!!

SUPRISE SURPRISE yes she just called, i have just spoken to her, i asked her why she said they couldn't help me, i did listen to her blab on about who could benefit from their help blah blah, she hadn't said they couldn't but it was her opinion etc etc.....so i ask her what then in her opinion after our session and listenning to me and her paper of notes from my doctor did she think was wrong with me....she did not want to answer that...i could tell i was not going to get any useful information out of her so i then move onto the fact that i'd been thinking about what she had said about living a healthy lifestyle and that her suggestions meant me going out to do that and i am aggrophobic to which she interrupted and said i wasn't as i came to the session i replied yes i had come with my mother as i find leaving my house very hard and if it were that easy to live a healthy lifestyle then why is she overweight as she could do with losing weight and benefit from a group therapy place such as weight watchers so that she could have support from other fat people like herself, she said if i were to continue to be rude she would put the phone down...i said i am making a point here that if it were that easy to live a healthy lifestyle then i would not be going to my doctor desperate for help and her refer me to a session that i thought would be the road to recovery and whilst there i feel i did not manage to cover the fact that i have suffered from many eating disorders over my life after my father had been banned from seeing both me and my brother as kids and this caused me to balloon in weight but i felt that i had been unable to say that to her for fear of offending her due to her size, so i am pointing out that it is all very well telling somebody the obvious, i do not need to be told what i need to do that is healthy it is having the tools to be able to do them which i had high hopes in the session being the start of when in fact it wasn't the start of anything......there was a long silence on the other end....i wonder if i had made her cry as it took a very long time for her to come back with a short and different toned response to all that...and that was something along the lines of that i had made my point....and i had thought about ending things by calling her a fat useless cunt but refrained as i felt that i had caught her off guard just enough to drive something home to her that she wil now be stewing over a great long time....even lose sleep over because my delivery was fluent and without swearing or raising my voice, if i had shouted cunt at the end it would have ruined everything and she could have come away feeling superior but my speech was spot on target and i know i hit a nerve.

FUCK ME I FEEL A BIT BETTER NOW

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

my soap looks like soap!!

YEP!! last night it had solidified enough to press it out of the plastic tub and onto baking paper.....today i cut it into little squares.....it doesn't quite resemble shop soap but it wouldn't as i added the aforementionned rose petals and salt but it smells nice and looks good, i am very proud!! i think i may even take a square down to my doctors on the 4th november 8:40am to show her.....look at what i made!!.....i don't just do impulsive stupid things !! i am capable of making soap, despite the fact that i am not capable of showering on a regular basis like i did 3 years ago...i have finally managed to make soap which i had considered to begin doing about 9 years ago (when i was taking my self prescribed daily dosage of MPA when i could buy it online and have it delivered by the postman)

my Dad just phoned, i told him about my soap and about the fact that i will no longer name my therapist.....why the fuck i call her my therapist when she refused to help me...THE therapist the fat fuck useless bitch who i will again try calling today and who will undoubtedly be 'on the phone' or 'with a client' and i shall ask why she won't take my calls or return them as i will be able to list the times i tried and the out-comes as i have it all recorded here...and of course on my phone as i call from my 'cell phone' (i was going to say mobile phone but....)....yeah whatever

I do wonder though whether my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder has now been removed due to 'warts-on-cunt' therapist session and if so.....how it stands...i wonder whether i am now considered to be 'well' am i too well to treat?...or am i too fucked to treat....these are the questions i need answering as she should have told me there and then so that is why i am obsessing over speaking with her.....and then she can take what she likes over what i say to her.....yes i am perfectly well as i am now suggesting a healthy lifestyle to you you bulging out of your shoes fat fucker

but my soap looks really good

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

left message for therapist to call be beack so i can ask.....

.....why she doesn't go to weight watchers and have an exersise regime and take long walks in nature......as i'm stewing like FUCK that i didn't call her a useless fat cunt, after all i call the nice people at my doctors surgery useless fucking cunts when they are actually trying to help.....but after her waste of fucking time session where i tell her in detail lots of traumatic events in my life, impulse behaviour that's been very self distructive but unplanned and was so openly honest about everything thinking that that would clesrly be the obvious way of getting the correct help from them....she see's 'help' carved into my arm with other freshly cut inflictions...see's that i am unkempt...but after stopping me at various places and asking and looking sympathetically bemused that i hadn't been offered help or assistance at various stages after certain incidents....she asks me if i know what CBT and DBT are, i tell her i've heard about them when ive watched programmes on borderline personality disorder.....then at the end of an hour and a half of telling her how desperate i am....she tells me to get back to nature, go out and make friends and join some addiction groups ...oh and have an excersize programme.....this is coming from a patronising fat fuck who....when telling her about various stages of my life such as dropping out of school at 14 and binge eating and ballooning in weight....Mum drops in 'oh you weren't that big, just a little chubby'.....i'm just about to add that no i was bursting out of size 16 clothes and....then i notice her feet bulging out of her shoes and get what my mother is trying to do....so on realising that here was a very fat woman who i'm now (due to all manner of eating disorders over the years from bulimia to anorexia) about a size 8-10 maybe less as have not been eating at all recently....and i'm telling her that i was once fat...so i decide to skip over the eating disorders that have been a big part of my life.....so at the end she tells me they can't do anything for me...then suggests daft obvious factors that any person of sane mind knows are part and parcel of healthy living but a person with a mental disorder is not able to achieve as they have A FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER......but they can't help me, no i just need a nice walk and basically...find a good NA (narcotics annonymous ) group....which actually would be a fantastic way of getting some drug contacts.....i mean i don't have to go to a fucking therapist to be told how to live a healthy lifestyle....i don't live a healthy lifestyle cos i do not have the functionality to do so....hence why i am there....so

i decided i would call to speak to Alison <snip> the fat cunt who is so fat her feet bulge out of her shoes , she looks like a walking breezeblock in a dress.....she was with a client....so i very nicely ask for her to call me back....when she does i shall ask her why it was that she said they were unable to help me....and what in her opinion is wrong with me....is it just that i don't just 'snap out of it' because if that is the case and things are that easy then why does she not cut down on what she eats? because she could certainly do with an exercise regime and some group therapy with other fat people like herself as she should just stop putting her hand in the fucking fridge and stealing staff members food and gobbling down a family meal for 6 by her fat self, what kind of role model is she to her kids and if she herself has fat kids its all because she wants them to be fat like her so that she does not feel so fucking fat....yes i shall direct my rage in the right direction, but i shall try my hardest to compose myself so that i am able to fully put accross these healthy suggestions to her and tell her to snap out of being fat and useless.

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

i am about to call cunt woman

yes i am trying to call that fat bitch but its busy...trying again....she's on the phone (likely fucking story) they've taken my number (again) so she can call me back (very unlikely but as i said...i will keep fucking phoning her and she'll have to fucking talk to me at some point when she stops stuffing cakes into her fat fucking face)....so thats message number 2 left for the fat cunt Alison whose last name is <snip>.....i hope you're ok with that Mel22 who very responsibly removed her full name from previous entries...i mean come on...who is interested in this bullshit anyway, who the fuck is reading this...if you find this interesting then read on folks as i never fucking know what the fuck i'm gonna do next and i've been refused therapy by that fat fucker who i keep trying to call so i can ask her why....i could tell her that i made soap today in the same kitchen i made DMT in....soap is a hell of alot easier....should anybody else like to make their own soap look up on google a basic simple recipe....i did....but i did improvise on the coconut oil...although i know i do have shit tons of the stuff, its buried under piles of crap in my kitchen and getting to it was going to be an issue but this was basically what i did....

i went round to Mum's to ask to borrow her scales.....then i weighed 100grams water....40grams Lye....i mixed them together...always tip the lye into the water...never the other way round (not sure exactly why but this is a golden rule of mixing water and lye together) then i weighed 100grams of castor oil (in place of cocnut oil) and 200grams rapeseed oil (brand name crisp and dry...but this replaced olive oil) then i pour that into the disolved lye and water mix...which by this time had cooled somewhat...i think there is an ideal temperature to add the oils, but i just added them.....then mix by spoon....afterwards you're gonna have to use a hand blender and blend away until the mixture thickens....it's meant to thicken so much that when you run something through it it stays kinda gloopy and leaves a 'trace'....this stage is called 'trace'....i'm not sure i got it quite there but i was beginning to scare Katniss my cat who had just been jumped on by 'fake Oswald' the big black bully cat that keeps attacking her.....i had to go out and get her indoors as fake Oswald had jumped her....i would have spanked fake oswald had i had the chance but he / she seems to know now that when i try and tempt it over with treats i'm actually gonna spank it......anyway...yeah....i also added some essential oils during the bending process...these being sandalwood and rose....once i'd finished blending i added some drops of pink food-colouring and hand stirred, i did want to achieve a colour effect by doing it this way, but didn't...hey ho....then i poured it all into a plastic container to set...but i also added some dried rose petals as i just happenned to have some that my daughter had picked some time back (roses) and i (being sentimental) had left them to dry on the windowsill....so seemed like a nice little touch...i also added sea salt granules to the top to give it a 'buffering' kinda feel once it sets.....if i had never made my own DMT (which is also very easy but far more time consuming) i would not now be the proud producer of my very first 'soap' whether or not it turns out to be safe to use remains to be seen....i have to leave it now for a month or so...well let it set...then cut into desired size....then leave for about a month (i think...best to check on that)...though back to the DMT....that's an overnight wait....as its got to be frozen....in colmans fuel....then seperated and smoked.....i tried this stuff by mouth and certainly would advise against that!!...had to rinse my mouth out with vinegar as it was burning.....also....DMT not for the faint hearted...or parents ?

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

today i tidied my lounge and made soap

....yep that is what i have done, Mum helped to tidy my lounge...so now i have a clean(ish) and tidy kitchen that doesn't resemble the shit heap in an episode of breaking bad where jesse goes and rescues the lil lad from his addict low life scum parents....yes, my house is / was a bit like that, don't you ever watch something and compare it to your own house? i do when i see a shit hole and not many shit holes represented on films come anywhere close, but that place...yes pretty close...

so during which while chatting to Mum i kinda say how i always thought about making my own soap but was always worried about the fact that you gotta use sodium hydroxide...ie Lye or caustic soda....used for cleaning drains and a major ingredient in making meth...(i only know that as...come on....don't we all....along with cold tablets....lithium batteries....something to do with matches but only the strike as i saw that also on breaking bad where walter white's in the hardware store and notices the contents of a guys trolley containing acetone, Lye, camping fuel....a couple of other bottles i couldn't make out...yep i'm going off on one again...back up>>>)...but also essential in making soap...did anyone know that??...most people who have seen Fight Club should know that...aswell as the fact that should you get any on wet skin it'll burn through it....and that mixing it with water and fat produces gycerine whilst it transforms into what we know as soap and that if you skim off that gycerine you could actually use it for things like making your own vape oils or if you got hold of some nitric acid you could make some nitro-glycerine and be well on the way to producing explosives.....interesting is it not, that many ingredients used to produce soap and or use to fertilise your lawn can be used to produce explosives or drugs.....it is perfectly fine to look after ones garden is it not...very respectable even...my mum looks after my garden with her sacred hands that bare the scars of stigmata...i am currently smoking some of my magic tobacco so do forgive me for going a little off course here....getting a little high at the moment as it happens...but yes as i hold in each sacred breath of my magic tobacco that contains trace elements of DMT that i proudly produced in the same very kitchen where today i also made my own soap...how about that for being ...i dont know...me...the untreatable person turned away by the fat therapist cunt woman

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

Will Ativan quell the rage

I carved "HELL" into my forarm with a razor blade last night. It satisfied me enough to sleep a couple hours. I'm so miserable. I'm hoping one day soon the flip is going to switch and I'll gain the courage to put an end to this hell. I just want sleep nice peaceful eternal sleep.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday. He's long moved on with his life to the point where I am embarrassed to tell him about mine. Sitting at my mom's home for the rest of my life. I know I would be happier dead and I'm pretty sure my mom would be happier in the long run. One day I'll get to the point where i can do it. I hope it's soon.

Ativan just makes me too honest. So I'll be blunt I want to die.

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz