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and sitting down with a salad as shopping made me hungry....this is the only meal i shall eat today.....and for me that is overeating......well....sometimes i have a slice of toast.....not just a slice of toast but toast with marmite some coleslaw, sliced onion, tiny bit of cheese and tiny slices of chicken on the toast.....today i bought advocado.....we did go Aldi in the end...bought Katniss some tinned sardines in tomato sauce 36p.....she's had this before when Mum bought it, she liked it then....anyhoo's i'm eating some chopped lettuce, rocket, onion, coleslaw, bbq chicken snippets with vinegar...oh and a tiny bit of advocado....very nice

booked Katniss in for flea treatment on 1st nov, so thursday morning 10:15am....Mum insisted and Mum is paying the tenner......the vets explained that despite it not working the first month it needs to build up in their system, well, course they're gonna say that, they're hardly going to say 'oh ok, yes, it doesn't always work, sorry'.....but they are so VERY ever so nice up there i could NEVER cause a scene up there.....my doctors surgery has this whole 'oppressive' feel to it.

breaking bad time

Oct 30, 2018

BPD help plz

an hour to go to aggrophobic walking session

and it's not seeming as bad as it did earlier....i still think the vets is a waste of time and almost definately money....but after a bit of a chill out on my sofa watching some 'breaking bad' (educational purposes partly....i take notes....seriously...when i see a label of a chemical i note it down...such as the other day i wrote down 'diethyl-ether'.....not googled it yet....perhaps thats a type of chloroform also....i've already bought a litre of chloroform off ebay...no i have not openned it.....fuck knows why i bought it...i do impulsive stupid shit)

anyway.....yeah....i think i can force myself out for a short walk with Mum....we'll no doubt walk to Aldi which for some reason i can't stand....i prefer tesco...at least tesco does cat-food that Katniss likes....she can't stand Aldi...even Aldi posh cat food, that's what i bought for her last time and if i feed her that at 'din-dins' ....she doesn't get excited about the smell....normally you open a cat food and the cats get all excited and chase round your feet....that stuff i open it and she walks away...

maybe i'll suggest tesco...then i can post my precription as my daughter still hasn't been able to do it on the way to or from school....its on the way to tesco

gonna watch some more breaking bad ....still got about 50 mins or so

just thought i'd quickly add part of a dream i had just before waking up this morning....i dreamt that i was on bluelight and a message flashed up from someone named 'smeared'.....no i have not seen a user with this name, and if there is one then obviously this is purely coincidental..it was quite bizarre as it seemed that real....even tho insignifficant....when i first woke i thought...oh i have a message from 'smeared' that i haven't read yet.

weird

Oct 30, 2018

BPD help plz

gonna try and get out of 11:30 aggrophobia walking session

with Mum....she wants to go to the vets to ask about Katniss's monthly flea treatment, didn't fucking work last month, she'd been scratching so much that last night, for the 2nd time now this month......a month where for the payment of a tenner she's supposed to be flea free down to last months vet flea treatment.....but oh no, i had to mash a flea treatment tablet into her food, this seems to have stopped the itching for the time being, but as from previous treats this way, she'll undoubtedly be scratching again within 48 hours....so whats the point in going up the vets for another tenner spend on a treatment that is undoubtedly destined to fail.....i have flea treatment via drops that i bought off Amazon that had been just as ineffective as that off the vets......but now i've been shown, by the vets, how to properly apply the drop treatment....i can quite independently apply my very own ineffective drop flea treatment and save myself from the nightmare inducing walk that my Mum wants me to go on at 11:30am....

......she is also trying to help me......but the very idea just fills me with dread......i feel unstable when i am out...every person is a walking target....i don't know if or when i'm gonna snap but i feel very close to doing so at all moments that i am outside amongst civilisation.....and knowing i fucking stink doesn't fucking help coz i seem to be incapable of just doing the very simple excersize of getting under the fucking shower

fuck
fuck
FUCK
OH WODIHRF;OIWHE'OIEYT[089E7E]T-\0RO3WE{DP";AKLMSNVBJUEG4;Y3R9PUD;LCSMN .M FUCK

sorry Katniss....that scared her

Oct 30, 2018

BPD help plz

first one up...getting good at this

how many days in a row is that now??....i think that has been every day sine the kids have been back......BIG PAT ON THE BACK TO ME MY FRIENDZ!! but still 0 points but fuck the damned points to Asda and back forever and eternity.

son was not sick in the night so son will be going to school today.....i did not yield or freeze that naptha from the mimosa so there's momentary progress.....hell, i know i will though so i'm not kidding anyone

got the dentist today at 3:30pm....meeting my daughter there after school and me and my son ...who should be following my straight home after school rule....will meet her there...good fucking thing too, been putting off making a dentist appointment as my teeth are fucked to shit and i'm ashamed, but i came to my senses as its not like they're gonna get any better and i don't wanna be walking around like half the cornish toothless locals here.....quite possibly a by-product of an in'breeding cultured history.....yes i'm speculating here...but it is very noticable, one of the first things i noticed on moving here....the fact that seemingly most of the locals lack teeth.

so best be getting the kids up

Oct 30, 2018

BPD help plz

bloody arse shattered

so bloody tired all i'm gonna do is type that i'b so bloody tired and i'm gonna take a toblerone ice cream lolly up to bed, perfectly normal for me, this is my breakfast/lunch/dinner all in one....my solitary meal of the day....a toblerone ice cream lolly

wtf???

i'm tired....arse over shit tit shattered, knackered to fuck after being awoken by my puking son this morning

fingers crossed no puking tonight

i shall take my toblerone ice cream lolly upstairs to bed and give my daughter her rocket lolly......as anyone who is unfortunate enough to have stumbled onto this dull as fuck type mess of jumbled shit, yeah....its not your run of the mill household and i am not proud....i am deeply ashamed....but i am trying to get help....just don't seem to get those damned 'mental' points

oh fuck it all to legoland i'm going to bed

Oct 29, 2018

BPD help plz

here i am still trying to get high off scrapes from my DMT jars wtf

yes that is what im reduced to...wtf does that say about me

desperation comes to mind

desperate for a fix all as i hold in each patheicaly rolled spliffs of tobacco where i've just literally just scraped round the sides of these jars with a knife to try and extract anything i can

and my son just calls out 'can i have a bowl of ceral....he just stretched and farted in my presence and explains they dont have english tomorrow

he is currently listing that they do not have homework tomorrow

he is listing what they have 2mo
where is katniss he asks
what am i ranting about now he asks

ok thankyou very much bye

he says with his food order

i shall comply with hhis food order
i score 0 points
i eat my son

the healthsystem sctatches its heads and reforms after ignoring all the warning signs

i dont like mondays

i ate my son
yes you heard it here

except of course i have not eaten his son, my son...yeh know

but he still awaits cheerios
and my daughter is home to walk me to the local shop
but im not aggrophobic like fuck

Oct 29, 2018

BPD help plz

home time already

daughter's back from school already ....where tf did this day go??

i did scrape round those jars....i also 'agitated' the not yet done 3rd yield of the mimosa from...friday??...yeah whenever it was

so there....i clearly am a hazrd to myself still

there is fuck all stopping me from freezing another potential snowball DMT batch for 2mo....othefr than the fact that Mum wnts me out with her by 11 fucking 30am tomorrow arse bastard morning

and my son still hasn't done his homework

i eat my sons homework

i get 2 points

Oct 29, 2018

BPD help plz

kids dad almost in tears

.....my son is in bed....i put my foot down, kids dad moaned at me for the fact that he had stopped till today to prevent my son from trying to have a sickie.....but i meant trying to have the day odd without having been sick.....he's been sick.....that's the end of it....

so we chat amicably about stuff.....i read out a few comments from threads on here that i've found helpful, i think he is seeing the benefits of me being on BL.....it's like it's very own N.A. and especially convenient for the purposes of...yes warts-on-cunt.....a REAL LIFE aggrophobic.....not just somebody who decides to use that word to apply to themselves as they like the sound of it.....fucking fat bitch

no i have nothing against people who are overweight....i've been massively overweight myself....and massively underweight and all in-between....i know the pain of being fat and feeling completely at a loss to do anything about it and caught in that vicious circle of comfort eating for being so disgusted with yourself....YES I HAVE DONE THAT AT AGE 14.....and lost the weight after a drug induced psychosis that had me sectionned and hospitalised in a locked ward of a psychiatric hospital at age 17.....when i got better and got out i lost weight.....but then through my teens my weight has gone up and down like a fucking yo-yo and i don't think i have ever in my life had a proper healthy diet since being a kid as i've had issues with food....i've been fat, obese, annorexic, bullimic, currently i just don't eat as i feel at a loss to take care of myself....no-one wants to help....no health service does....even the fat therapist

fuck it

i'm sounding like a broken fucking record....i don't think i got enough sleep last night.....i feel edgy

took my modafinil and phenibut earlier, that stuff certainly helps me get through the day but i bet my doctor won't prrescribe me modafinil......i tried asking her before and she refused to i just buy it online but its not so easy to buy and i don't understand the whole bitcoin thing.....

kids dad was talking about his mate Scott who died from alchohol abuse, i met Scott when i lived up there....he seemed lovely, you know like when you meet someone and you get a feel for what they're like as a person and can tell that you like them?....that's how i felt with Scott....he was only a few years older than me....but i think he was my age now when he died....i think people are expecting or preparing themselves for me to die, i think my Mum is....i think the kids dad is a bit too....i think that's why he brought up Scott and that at Scott's funeral his estranged wife had to be literally held up through her grief of feeling she could have done more, she should never have thrown him out.....she'd never get over it or forgive herself.....he teared up at this....and for the kids dad that is MASSIVE....i have known him for 14 years.....he's seen me cry mountains of times....fuck me, i even cry watching fucking Titanic so its hardly a biggie....but nah....him??...i've seen him cry...properly cry ONCE......so seeing him tear up like today i guess we'd call that a half?....so in 14 years i've seen him cry, now, 1 and a half times.....counting today....that's also why i think he's preparing for my death....for bringing that up....he knows i'm gonna still do stupid impulsive shit...no matter the fact that today i WON'T.....even i can't say i won't EVER again as look at last week?....look at the week before...and the week before......hell i'm even now condidering scraping tobacco round those collection jars from last week so who am i kidding.

i have a fucking problem but i score 0 points

i shout CUNT to the nice people at my doctors surgery...0 points

i say 'HELP ME PLEASE!!! i have a problem and i don't want to die on my children!!'....still 0 points

i phone 111 and tell them i just smoked DMT and had a panic attack and seriously thought i was about to die and ruined my mothers dinner plans.....nope sorry zero points coz you didn't actually DIE...you have to actually DIE FIRST

FUCK ME OVER ON A FUCKING MONDAY MORNING

tell me why
i don't ;like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i wanna shoot-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo-ooot the whole day down

i mean seriously....if i were that inclined to do a barbra-ann spencer people would go....'oh silly us!!....there were the danger signs and we ignored them all!!'.....do i have to take a gun and shoot a bunch of innocent fucking people out of my fucking window on a monday and tell the police i just want to liven up a fucking monday......shit

yes.....that song....i don't like mondays.....about the first school shooting by barbra-ann spencer

no i would not shoot people....i cannot stand hurting people....but i sure as shit do by mouth if they have upset my fucking kids!!!!

but seriously.....i wouldn't....but if i did begin shooting people outside my window the entire mental health service would be over-turned and refurbished and kicked into shape as they'd all be scratching their heads and pointing the fucking finger at stupid fat cunt therapists like warts-on-cunt for turning me away

nope

zero points still

cause YOU GET ZERO FUCKING POINTS FOR MAKING SENSE IF YOU'RE STILL ALIVE AND HAVE NOT YET MASSACRED A BUNCH OF INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

ERREE BY GUMM

kum baye ahh my lord

Oct 29, 2018

BPD help plz

tooth fairy came last night

my daughter's tooth came out last night...

kids dad up taking a piss.....its fucking loud!!

anyway....best put the kettle on for him....

so my son did not do his homework yesterday, and yesterday i had forgotten it was sunday....i went through most of the day thinking it saturday and not until about 6pm when my daughter wanted to go to Iceland for snaky stuff and her dad said 'its closed on sundays' did the penny drop...oh of fucking course....it is sunday today....anyway blah blah blah....so our son stomps downstairs around 10:30pm (me and my daughter had gone to bed but were not yet asleep) and begins making a noise playing with his 'tech deck'....mini finger skateboard...i know....wtf is the point in that...i could understand if he didn't actually have actual size skateboards...he has 2 pennyboards....a 'two bare feet' skateboard and a 'no fear' long board....yet he practices and percieves the achievement of 'tricks' with his finger skateboards as real accomplishments....anyway...bit pointless....but he's making a noise...his dad is noisy and drinking and quite happy for the company....me and my daughter both yell down for them to shut up.....then out of nowhere......my son comes back upstairs......has a personality replacement.....and charges downstairs in a flap about his undone homework......this becomes a heated tirade off of him towards his dad....who rambles a few drunken sentences.....our son shouts at him to shut the fuck up....now NEVER would our son DARE shout this at his dad when his dad is sober....and NEVER would his dad let him....but things seem different when he's had a few drinks......things end on our son throwing his homework book at his dad....i'm descending down the stairs to witness this....then he switches the light off on his dad......his dad doesn't exactly seem pee'd off at that point....but fuck me he is now!!!!

during the night....our son comes to tell me he's been sick and his throat hurts....i could see this one coming a mile off......but i thought he had faked the whole being sick and been tipping water down the toilet to make the sound effects.....but when i do get up....at 5:30......i see there is indeed sick in the toilet and our son being sick.....so i know its pointless me going back to sleep for an hour only to be more tired when my alarm goes off so i stay up.....now i'm in a battle with the kids dad about whether our son has the day off school or not.....i am adamant that he has the day off.....he's been sick for fucks sake...actually sick....yes maybe self induced for not having done his hoimework....yes he needs more pressure on him to get it done as and when he gets given it.......but he has been sick

oh this is boring shit

this is my life......today begins with our son being sick...i get up and help our son while he's being sick i score 0 points......i get up and eat my sons sick.....i score 3 points....ewww grosse....i'm not that desperate for fucking points....a bit of window smashing will do it

Oct 29, 2018

BPD help plz

told kids dad about last weeks DMT meltdown......ooops

and i'm fucking kicking myself for it....what a fucking twat i am.....

fuck, fuck shit arse cunt fuck wit bastard FUCK FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!
SHIT
shit
oh what to do
no taking it back now.....just blurted it out there....i guess the modafinil and the 4 x phenibut gave me a loose mouth and i blabbed like a drunkard.....i should have had the inner voice of sense chirp in to remind me how phenibut effects are similar to that of alchohol......so i just take another 4 and this time remind myself that phenibuts effects are similar to that of alchohol so that when the kids dad does get back from taking our daughter out to tesco i shall tell myself to SHUT THE FUCK UP and say no more

even my son told me i shouldn't have said that....he said that his dad had been harping on how i always take drugs and have boys over when they are away....errrr....excuse me???....come on!!!....without showering??.....yes i did comb my hair yesterday and wrapped it back up in silk and tucked it into my cap that i keep virtually nailed to my head as i even sleep in it (i've found that this way, my hair doesn't get too tangled....my hair has not been cut for over 20 years so comes down past my knees)<<<<<<wtf?1! irrelevant crap...but true

....arrranyway.....oh and apparently he thinks i'm still going to marry the crazy psycho stranger i met online last year as he keeps talking about him....yeah...i was engaged...yeah right!!!...omg...that's another WTF moment....WTF was i thinking and / or doing....thankfully he was stupid enough to put 6 months down for his length of stay here in the UK having never left the states before so got stopped and held at the airport....at the time i was devastated but got over it pretty quickly when he continued face-timing me and telling me he was Lucifer....yeah...that was a crazy BPD impulse moment.....and yes, another reason why i quit drinking....OMG i really thought i was gonna marry this nutter....but hey....who am i to talk with the shit hole house....except it is tidy atm....yes still tidy wow

so yeah....oh dear....

Katniss cleans herself and looks at me as if to say 'was i mistake mommy'? ...no dear darling kitty....you are my spirit animal and yes you may have been purchased under the influence of alchohol but you and i were / are meant to be.....

dumm de dumm...i am sooooo dum fucking stupid oh dear...kids dad is gonna be a pissed up prick tonight....he's invited himself to stay till monday as our son has a load of homework to do and he's not doing it...he didn't take it with him to his dads to do....and he's still not making a start....and i can see monday morning coming and him trying to pull a day off school for the fact that he hasn't done his homework and he's too scared to face the consequences and he knows his Mum is a bit of an easy target right now as well.....i'm a bit fucking mental and i call people cunts....well....actually i haven't done that for a bit but i did tell the therapist to go to weight watchers to make a point....ha...i take it all back that i'm not stewing on that session....course i'm fucking stewing....it's something i can't stop mentionning....its taken over the dissapearance of Lionel

oh dear oh dear oh dear

oh thank goodness for this blog.....i gotta say....this blog is very therapeutic......i'd reccomend blogging to anyone...it helps.....just don't harp on as much as i do

i harp on and on i score 0 points....i tell kids dad about me taking DMT during the time the kids spent up at his in a quest for spiritual enlightenment (in a FAILED attempt) i score 0 points......i roast my cat in the oven i get disowned by my kids and never EVER forgive myself but score 4 points...not that high due to animal cruelty and i can barely allow myself to even type about that let alone THINK it

its a 0 point day

ZERO
minus 20 for saying those AWFUL things about my cat

i turn oven on

i put myself in oven and close the door

i go back to zero

its getting hot

i go up to 5 points

WHAT THE BLEEDING FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT

phenibut eh :sus:

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

its just like christmas!!!! breaking bad episode

had the urge to come on here a type a thought, a memory if you will, that just came to me during an episode of breaking bad, the one where Gale is openning the packages of the lab they are setting up with Gus and Victor and he says 'it's just like christmas!'....reminded me of a time about 14-15 years ago when i went and 'travelled' to do a bit of work for a sister company of an autistic spevctrum organisation which a friend of the family was a director for....i had worked for them between stints of travelling to Goa when i lived in Surrey before moving to Cornwall....i had gotten excited about the prospect of a position openning back up in Surrey so i could go back and work for them again, this was exciting as all my friends lived in Surrey and i missed them...i even had hopes of this being the beginning of perhaps me moving back to Surrey and having a job and getting a place to live back up there....on awaiting a phone call from them....i got no call and ended up in tears of dissappointment so my Mum phoned our family friend and later that evening another director (friend of our family friend) phoned me to suggest me 'helping out' in Devon which is about an hours drive (i don't drive but my Mum did).....he mentionned that they had bought a 'unit' that was a hotel that i could stay at....you see what they did was look after autistic people in a 'home like setting'...they would buy houses of various size and adapt them to 'safely' house the autistic people....many of which were 'non verbal' and 'highly challenging'...which is a polite way of saying...prone to acts of spontaneous violence....so this , although wasn't going to be my exciting move back to Surrey to see my friends.....was still a good way of earning money....i would be staying at a big empty hotel...by myself....and would be collected and dropped off back to said abode at the start and end of each shift by appointed staff members....hey sounds fab huh!?? so i agree.....i'd never really been to Devon....i'd be staying on 'the english riviera' as its known for its beautiful setting and climate (????) and just a stones throw from the famous 'Fawlty Towers' (there is actually a hotel there where the series was filmed)...but you'd have to have been a super human throwing the stone...but you get my drift.

....So on arriving there...me and Mum have a little walk round the seaside town and then find lots of charity shops....we were suckers for charity shops and there were a plenty!!.....we then find the hotel and there is a staff member there to welcome me....he's bringing lots of boxes in and putting them down in the gigantic hallway......all brand new appliances of all kinds...like a toaster, a hoover, cutlery, kettle etc....it seemed...like it was for Gale....just like christmas!!!...anyway...i don't really know where i was going with this....and my daughter has come downstairs

.....also my daughter had also mentionned how she woke and heard slience then just a bunch of tapping....of the computer keyboard...ie...me typing.....she said she's happy that i'm getting up early (again)...i forgot earlier to take into account the fact the clocks had gone back...and i had not set my clock back so its an hour earlier than i said in my earlier blog...so i got up round 6ish...and now its 8ish....we then had a little chat about what i used to do for the 6 years when i always got up early and what had happenned 3 years ago when they had to call 999 cos i had a drug induced psychosis....i explained that it wasn't 'drugs' like 'street drugs' that they were substances i bought online and i could no longer get what i had been taking for 6 years.....so i took pot-luck and bought a combination of substances that had that unwarranted effect on me.....thus leaving me to throw them out......

so i begin on one point and end on a different one altogether

but i score 0 points

my cat is darting around like a nutter....perhaps if i strip my clothes off in the street scream at the top of my voice....run and knock on all the doors and skip wildly round in the middle of the street with my cat following me....we both dart wildly about the street together like total nutters.....i score 6 points

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

kids dad tries to share my bed last night

.....its ok...i sleep in my clothes...i haven't always slept in my clothes....i used to change into night clothes...even shower and then change into night clothes.....when i had mpa each day 6 years ago.....for the last approx year i have slept in my clothes...then mental scruff that i am......the kids dad had his usual 2 bottles.....he remained quite a jolly drunk as opposed to a nasty drunk....i went to bed at about 9pm as did my daughter...we top and tail on a small double bed that is part of a bunk bed...the top bunk is scattered with clothes that need to be put away....it is also where Katniss often goes to sleep...last night she went to sleep next to my daughters head, by my feet.....at about 1am i'm awoken by a drunken jolly kids dad telling me to budge up.....he's fully clothed (he'd be told off massively otherwise!!! come one!!! our daughters in the bed too!! not that he'd stand a chance...that ship has sailed!!!)....he wants a 'cuddle' so i let him lie next to me and give him a cuddle...and then he says....and this is coming from a drunk who usually calls me a selfish cunt of a selfcentred selfish cunt....he says 'don't you believe what you think you are'....if that came from someone on here i'd hive it deep thought....but it was the ramblings of a drunk who admitted himself that it had taken even him by surprise.....so eventually he'd outstayed his welcome...even Katniss had gotten off the bed after having her 'spot' contaminated by 'man scent'....she sat in her hall cleaning herself in disgust......he left....took a piss...tried and failed to flush my toilet....went to bed on the high sleeper in my sons room that was once my bed...that he had to put together for me 3 years ago...that was like the 'krypton factor' or rubiks cube of all beds...by Steens.....anyone who has ever had something from that company will know that nothing they sell flatpack is a simple put together like Ikea stuff....no NO!!! ....if i had tried to put that bed together i'd have ended up crying in a heap on the floor just looking at the instructions....but i'm not completely pathetic as the 3 sleeper bunk bed in (what was 'the kids room' now...) my daughters and my bedroom.....i put that together all by myself!!! that was about 3 years ago....

so its now 7:50am...clocks went back last night....i am the first person up...my son slept over his friends house last night......I"M THE FIRST PERSON UP!!! this always was the case for 6 years that i took MPA...i was always the first up then.....and i would come downstairs and take my morning hit of MPA around 4-5am and then hoover the house....seriously...i did that

i get up first...i score 0 points, i get up last...i score 0 points...i don't get up at all...i score 0 points....i get up in the night and open all the windows, throw the entire kitchen out the window and dangle the cat outside.....5 points

Oct 28, 2018

BPD help plz

D

Hydro after drinking

If I drank 3 beers 6 hrs ago, am I okay to take 2-3 Vicodin 5/325? Or am I still at risk because of drinking at all. I?ve taken hydro before but never within 24 hrs of drinking anything, so I?m a bit hesitant

Oct 28, 2018

Mel22

30 minutes

kids will be back in about half an hour......dmt jars away....check (aswell as pretty much empty...we're talking scraping tobacco round the sides in desperation)......house kinda tidy...check

ordered cat food for Katniss, she shouldn't have to keep putting up with Aldi cat food.....my daughter knows which food to get

i guess i should use the remaining 30 minutes to meditate in silence...it will not be silent for long....hmm yoga??

its cold

its dark

its time to put the heating on and switch on the lights

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

back to reality.....

sighhh....so....sorry about that....way off with the fairies there but at least i wasn't dashing round to Mum's telling her i'm about to die....now the dmt jars are away in the cupboard.....about an hour or so my kids will be back.....i'm no longer communicating with a dmt being that i, under a dmt hit, decided had taken over my computer and wanted to excitedly talk to me.....as dmt experiences have gone so far....at least that wasn't one of impending doom....i guess the dmt spirits decided that if i'm ever going to meet with them again we had to part on friendlier terms.....so long little dmt fairies...nice knowing you for the week...you've shown me many things....

so back to my pepsi max...even tho really its rather late for caffiene...but i did not take those diazepam earlier, i ate toast instead....so now i shall take the diazepam to counteract the caffeine....

sooo...that was a bit of a 'glitch in the matrix experience ' i can't quite put into words

i will not break any windows today......today i score 0 points

you do not score points for tidying your house....you do not score points for not tidying your house....i think maybe you score points for tidying your doctors office whilst undertaking a doctors visit....dr to me 'how can i help you today?;'

me to dr ........(i just move about her office tidying up and asking where the hoover is whilst i put on a pair of cleaning gloves)

dr scores me 7 points

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

someting wants me to type this and i do not what

its like something is telling me to type excitedly and i'm not sure what or who but it is me and this is what dmt does to me and i shit what was that

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

Proactive vs reactive

so here's a thought, whilst i am smoking some dreggs of dmt that i've been scraping out of my glass jar and taking a break from watching breaking bad so i can type it here whilst its fresh in thought as i just even wrote the words down in biro so i can remember it for my upcoming doctors appointment.....its 4pm....my kids will be back around 6ish so i'm just smoking the dreggs...ok judge me i dont care....but here's a thought.....would it not be better that i have some help...a therapist...something...anything as opposed to making my own dmt cos i cannot function coz 3 years ive been 'clean' but have been the walking dead....but my doctor had been quite happy to prescribe me fuck all and let me rot and only intervenre when i show up at A&E coz my kids dialed 999 coz i'm having a drug induced psychosis....what does it take to get help these days...if i went out right now and smashed a shop window and tried to rob the place...then there would be an intervention of some kind...that is called reaction....reactive...now to prevent this from happening why isn't somebody helping me...that is called 'proactive' its when you intervene early and treat a smaller problem to prevent it from escalating into a far larger problem which will then require enlisting the efforts of many organisations...police.....emergency services, mental health services etc etc whatever the procedure it takes when a mentally ill person desperate for assistance loses it and reacts to implusivity and creates distruction......is that what it will take to get some kind of help...if so then that is what i'll have to do...if i cannot get anybody to help me now i will have to take drastic measures and smash something and say 'see i told you weeks ago...i came to you asking for help...you said i didn't have enough points....now i smash i window, now i ruin somebody elses property and affect their livelihood now i have points!!)....how many points do i get for smashing a window....or better...break into a chemist...or even better...take a crow bar into a pharmacist and threaten them to hand over their prescription drugs....or better....tell them to stand back while i go and help myself to their prescription drugs....how many points will i get from that...i bet then i'll get help...and i'll get high first too...and i'll make the papers so my kids could financialy benefit off their crazy mothers actions.....hmmm...points

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

Mum come round and we tidied the house

yes!!.....i now have a pretty tidy looking house...it wasn't a truely thorough clean and tidy but it was enough to make a difference and the place no longer resembles that shit hole house in breaking bad where jesse rescues the lil kid off his junkie low life parents....my house now looks acceptable.

i've pretty much smoked all the DMT , not that much was extracted.....i'm thinking that maybe its more an issue with the quality of the mimosa poweder as i bought it as powder as opposed to the first time when i powdered it myself....anyway, was getting a bit sick of it tbh....now there's progress!! me sick of getting high!!...wow....no really...WOW.....hmm i do ponder on that statement....in your face warts-on-cunt!!

so i've also been pondering on this....the so called 'therapy session' the one i've been stewing on about......this is how it started.....warts-on-cunt 'therapist' comes to get me from the waiting area....i'm with my mum who is unsure whether to come too......i declare that i would like mum to come too....seeing as mum has witnessed my various fuck ups throughout my life mum could be a useful by-stander to put points accross if i should forget anything...etc...whatever...anyway....warts-on-cunt can't open the security door, it needs a code and she's putting in the wrong one.....she goes to get the correct one.....why i'm using all this detail i do not know.....so.....we get to the therapy room.....my expectations are 'here we go, i will get some sort of help....i'm now in the right place with the right people who will help'.......warts-on-cunt introduces herself and shakes my hand and sits down and explains that every tuesday they have a meeting where herself and other 'experts' in the mental health field sit down and discuss all the various people who come in to decide what the best course of treatment will be.......then the rest i've pretty much covered....how i'm open and honest about various parts of my life but skip over the eating disorders as i see she is very fat herself and i do not want to offend her...then she ends it all by saying they can't help (in her opinion....but they would have the meeting on the tuesday but shes quite sure that everyone else will agree with her)......from the phone call when i call her to ask why , in her opinion they couldn't help, she says that she didn't say that they couldn't help she just said that it was her opinion but they would still have the meeting on the tuesday....i press her further and she talks about a point system.....then i tell her that its all very well telling me how to live a healthy life when she is fat and could do with trying to sort that out herself.....at least i am trying to sort out my problems, i am asking my doctor for help, my doctor sends me there as she thinks that they will be able to help, her help was as good as shit on a shoe......but there will still be this meeting on tuesday where it is my understanding that i will be discussed by a bunch of strangers who have never met me except for warts-on-cunt....but are apparently experts in mental health.....hmmmm....but warts on cunt did not wish to discloise to me what she has written about me...!!?? wtf?? there in her drawers somewhere in her office is some paper that relates to my life....as she has written from an hour and a half where...come on....look at the patronising cows outlook on things.....so they are the experts???...no here is the expert....i am the expert....i have lived my life and i know the mistakes i have made and i know how i am now suffering and i know it in turn makes my kids suffer and so i am trying to ask for help....but no-body wants to help....what does that say about society in general??

i don't know what point i'm trying to make here....just i know i think too much sometimes...

but my house is tidy and my cat Katniss is curled up next to me and i'm gonna drink some pepsi max and vape with maybe a couple diazepam and watch some breaking bad

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

kids back today later

and what did i do, i woke up and smoked a joint with DMT though obviously and quite luckily not enough to have some serios hedonistic event take place, just enough to wonder if my cat Katniss is my spirit animal as she proudly presents me with her catch of the day....a feather.....i stroke her and tell her what a clever cat she is...after all....it is part of a bird....the best part for me having in the house...i am very pleased that she hasn't actually followed her killer cat instincts and produced a dead bird in the house...no a feather....i'm very happy with a feather

and i hardly have any more DMT to get rid of before the kids get back....so i won't have to hide it anywhere as all i shall have is an innocent pouch of tobacco....which i won't smoke as i do not smoke i vape....kids dad will come with his 2 bottles of wine....and despite having been tempted to ask my brother whilst they were stopping at mums and we had 'family traditional Paella' if i could have a glass of his wine i refrained as i do not drink....i used to...6 months ago 2 bottles of wine was the norm and sometimes even over that....but i stopped......i realised that it made me do stupid shit...like buy 2 cats in rented accomodation that does not allow pets.......so i'm a non drinker and non smoker so you'd think i'm doing all the correct things to live a healthy life....except according to warts-on-cunt i should also join narcotics annonyomous.....that will happen the day she joins weight watchers and deals with her unhealthy lifestyle....but hey, thats past now....and get this, i don't even stew over it anymore...well maybe a tiny bit at her telling me in a patronising way that i wasn't aggrophobic....but at least i said my piece to her and if i hadn't done that then i would be stewing like fuck....

even my mum considered what i said to have been 'acceptable'....my dad thinks it genius as does my kids dad .....i have not yet told my kids.....i shall only do that if they ask about it....which i'm thinking they won't as they'll want to tell me all about blackpool....i wonder if they'll mention the bit about their nan and her brandy.

so its 9am and i bit more DMT left to smoke then i'm back to having a drug free house......except of course for the prescription drugs.

get this....i pay my daughter to post my prescription....she likes the extra money but its literally just a 2 minute walk.....and i'm not aggrophobic

Oct 27, 2018

BPD help plz

dilema of where to hide the DMT

kids coming back tomorrow.....i extracted DMT this morning and scraped it onto tobacco....there is too much for me to smoke in a day without me having a flip out like i did before and dash round to my Mum's to tell her i'm gonna die, no, especially not while my brother is down with my nephews....so i have the DMT on my tobacco and i had been putting it on a high shelf in my sons room while he was away....so that it was out of Mum's sight...but not a place to put it when the kids get back which will be some time tomorrow afternoon....hmmm...perhaps i could have smoked it all by then...

gotta say though, the more i go through the process the less and less i seem to extract, you'd think that i would be getting better not worse...but i guess considering that the kids are back tomorrow and my nephews are still staying next door and...oh fuck...i gotta go over later as bro is making Paella and as my youngest nephew (age 10) said 'its tradition'.....so yeah i gotta go over there for dinner later...and i have all this DMT to smoke

i gonna take my co-codamols and dihydrocodeines for my back to calm me down

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

point scoring system

before i fly away on a DMT hit to i dont know, the mental health system is point scored...this apeared to be what this therapist was saying on the phone before i delivered my therapy to her......so a point system....how many points did i score i wonder?? its the same with the damned benefits system....you have to score points......where do these points come from and how is it they are scored?? at this rate if i were to break a bone that needed hospital treatment are they then going to say...sorry not enough points for that break.....you should see the breaks where the bone comes through the skin to score enough points for it to be treated.....has that what the human race boils down to now, we're just all walking talking 'point ' earners.....and stupid fat cunts like the breezeblock in a dress scores them??? yet she did not like me to tell her my point system for her which was made up of factual points and not little boxes ticked on a piece of paper...am i making sense only to myself here or has the entire world gone fucking POINT SYSTEM CRAZY

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

kids Nan stopped at Blackpool pleasure beach

so here's an ironic moment.....just spoken with kids dad who has had kids for the half term...they went to Blackpool as there's a fair up there that the kids love, they always have to have someone else tag along as it doesn't work with the 3 of them...my 9 year old daughter obviously doesn't want to go on the big rollercoasters that her 12 year old brother does so their Nan comes with them (the kids dad's mum)....now going onto the pleasure beach (as its called) you have to go through security and their Nan got stopped for trying to smuggle brandy into the fair....just what is that meant to say to the kids who are very well aware of me and that for 6 years i took what i took (they did not know at the time but they do know now) to function...they are aware that for 3 years me health has deteriorated....they have borne witness to an occaision where i had a DMT freak out, they stuck up for me in front of my mother saying that what my doctor gives me doesn't help so i had been trying to make my own medicene but it was obviously to the right one......

so their Nan has 6 mini bottles taken off her at the entrance of the pleasure beach and they gave her a raffle ticket so she could collect them on the way out....the kids dad asked her 'Mum what did you bring them for?'...she tells him that she likes having a bit of brandy in her coffee and she like to drink alot of coffee........on the way out the kids dad could not find the raffle ticket so his mum went and found the guy who took them off her and her gave them back and appologised and said that he shouldn't have taken them off her...she replied..'no you shouldn't'....now their nan is in her 70's....they went and had fish and chips before setting off on the drive back and their nan is putting the brandy in her coffee and offers one to her son...the kids dad 'here you go son, have some of that in your coffee'...he says 'no mum i'm driving'....she says 'oh one won't hurt!'....he abstained though...so how about that...what are the kids meant to think now about substance abuse of all kinds when their Nan gets stopped at blackpool pleasure beach for trying to smuggle in brandy.....

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

new morning new snowballs

so yeah, i mean i still have around 150grams of powdered mimosa....or had...or maybe still have actually, last night i decide to do some DMT extraction but i manage to do it without turning my tidy(ish) kitchen into the shit heap that it was.....this morning i have to go and get more tobacco off Mum....of course this is always now a red flag and bless her she asks me if it means anything...i hate to lie....i really do, i don't know really why i decide to do that last night other than the fact that i can....and the kids are still away (although my nephews are staying next door but they are all going out on some jolly today)......

but my soap still looks good....if i dug deep enough through all the crap in my kitchen i would unearth bees-wax granules and coconut oil (which is more a solid than an oil in a UK winter / autumn climate) and err Shah butter?? no that does not sound right but something like that...oh i bought mountains of all this crap 9 years ago as i was going to make my own cosmetics and soaps and oh all sorts...i was going to have my very own business and the works....and yet i did not....but 9 years later i have made my first lot of soap so i have made some progress there and if it hadn't been for extracting DMT i would not now be the proud owner of some hand made soap.....as i have mentionned before i had always been nervous about the lye and water mixing and yet its a piece of piss as i do that to extract DMT....and no i won't tell you how...as it is against the rules....but i have already listed a way of making soap...but i would strongly urge anybody wishing to try soap to google it as opposed to try and follow my not very clear instructions....my cat Katniss keeps darting in and out like a crazy cat...she is dissmissive of her food from Aldi...i guess Aldi do not make cat food that appeals to her but she had been rather spoilt lately...but the posh food i had been buying her is no longer on special offer and the Aldi food is perfectly edible so i'm afraid Katniss ...that's your lot for now.

last night i went to bed thinking about what i had said to that woman.....i am still fucked off with her patronising way of telling me i am not aggrophobic...anyway that's one to take to my doctor when i see her and i shall be putting in a complaint about her.....since when is it a therapists job to tell someone they do not suffer from something when they do not know the half of it.....i mean it can't just be me that thinks that is simply MENTAL and a big NO NO.....oh someone to a therapist......i'm anorexic.....therapist to that person.....no you are not....?????.......anyway......at least i KNOW that what i have said to her will be staying with her for a good long time and that very very long pause where i was even thinking 'has she put the phone down?'......had left her clearly speechless....i guess its not everyday that a therapist listens to somebody they have told some dumb arse useless advice to....to come back to them with some very well worded points that they could not have put better themselves....yes....yesterday i gave therapy...my own special type of therapy....to a dumb arse warts-on-cunt therapist who will not be forgetting it in a hurry....

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

i write poetry don't you know

kind of obvious what this one is about...i wrote it in Goa years ago...i wrote it about someone i met in Goa years prior...who i then came back with...and then...well ..can you guess??

with solitude your only friend
it shares your secrets, and your sins
the world has darkened through the eyes
from which you seek your scarlet dreams
so welcomed by your out-stretched arms
which bare your self destructive tracks
extended by the weakest will
the path you burn
leaves no way back
this liquid gold that fills your veins
erases all you left behind
yet still you yearn for days gone by
such empty hopes to fill your mind
your choice of poison blinds you
to the scattered ash of all you've lost
for what you cook upon your spoon
tranquility
.....with hidden costs
you've sold your soul
now close your eyes
you care for only what you crave
the devil comes in many forms
now watch your demon dig your grave

Oct 26, 2018

BPD help plz

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Oct 26, 2018

Mel22