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I was being troubled last night (environment causing stress and pain, no doubt my bad karma causing me to have to endure it) by mood swings. They were directly caused by a painful enviroment (shitty bike ride home in freezing wet conditions later than I like to be out, welcome to the world of retail sales). Now I am not saying I do not have the ability to choose whether moods control me or I manage them maturely. I let the moods last night control me. I started having nasty thoughts of a person who has helped me alot in my life and projected my current situation (unwanted) as being caused by their influence on me. Even if I feel this way there is no reason to be disrespectful but I was throwing a temper tantrum over it. It wasn't as bad as similar mood swings in the past where I placed really disrespectful blame on this person however I know this needs to stop if I am to grow and move forward with my life and present reality.

Just some stuff related to wolves, for fun really. I was going to talk about something else too but this is all I can recall. Have a nice day.



Oh ya one more video I wanted to discuss in the comments. Without the discussion.

"Wolf! Right here and now!"
― Peter Straub, The Talisman

"Before he can become a wolf, the lycanthrope strips naked. If you spy a naked man among the pines, you must run as if the Devil were after you."
― Angela Carter, Burning Your Boats: The Collected Short Stories

So I am doing well with no trash. Booze, smut, cigs, and propyl (p-hex). A true hex on my life this beast is. It wants me dead. The beast possesses me I believe once I start getting all that trash in me. It can't get to me in my right mind. Enough about that however. Sinister stuff.

I am doing well with wholesome living. I am not having urges but due to the biological nature of a good chunk of my negative vice (does vice really have to be all bad?) urges are considered a part of being human. So while I have to learn how to process them maturely and rationally, some things have been helping transmute and deflect them. Qigong I feel is a powerful tool to improve one's mind and body. From the inside out. I am still such a lousy beginner. But I love it. I feel bad missing days of practicing it.

Anyways we live in a toxic Capitalist society that doesn't care about your health, wellness, nor life for that matter. Sounds grim but the shitbricks running my nation are dirty rotten pigs. I am not bashing all political parties and am not anti-government but come on this shit is sickly.

What if I get pushed into a corner somehow and it isn't my fault for stumbling into it? What will I do instead of grab a bottle of wine and fall off the right tracks to be happy in life? Hit the panic button...



Last resort option. I have used things in the past that were chemical but I feel did not harm me the way something like alcohol and propylhex have been killing me for the past 3 years now. SO when I say sobriety is the priority I mean from toxic life destroying things. Alcohol is just poison for me and I don't think it is something anyone should value as a tool to grow in life but hey people drink responsibly so I can't call it the devil but as for propyl dude I can't not call it sinister. However I used it for sinister purposes so I mean that is biased. I still can't encourage anyone to try it. Just from what it has done to me in the past. Alcohol did some shitty things but I felt like I was going to die on propylhexedrine on more than one occasion. I would only think of ingesting it once my inhibitions were stripped by ethanol. Literally stripped. The last relapses I was naked for the majority of them in front of screens. Do you see why I am implementing a panic button now? As I said a last resort and feel I don't need to rely on compounds to get better but if push comes to shove that baby is getting popped (random image but you get it).

Is that button a magic cure? No. But it would give a lesson a bottle of wine wouldn't in an eon.

I am an adherent or rather believer of the idea that mind is the master. Mind creates all. Mind your mind.

Addiction is not something I will dwell on any longer personally (the roots of my compulsion problems with chemicals including ethanol these days are in something known as PMO, reference NoFap for more info) here except to support and be a friend to others recovering from it.

As for me what is recovery other than changing my mind? Changing who I am? Recovery in another word is just change.

Digest Pep Love's album Ascension and we will be one step closer to a blog post called Infinite Consciousness. Or rather just Consciousness. Not ready for that post yet. Posts until then will be gathering inspiration for that one. Not sure what I will blog about after that.

Oh I said I would talk about socializing with new communities offline. Will do this before the Consciousness Exposition I suppose.

I am Buddhist. Do not click the spoiler if you have no interest in content related to that, please, thank you.





www.goodreads.com/author/show/3487.Aldous_Huxley

'After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.'
― Aldous Huxley, Music at Night and Other Essays

'The man who comes back through the Door in the Wall will never be quite the same as the man who went out. He will be wiser but less sure, happier but less self-satisfied, humbler in acknowledging his ignorance yet better equipped to understand the relationship of words to things, of systematic reasoning to the unfathomable mystery which it tries, forever vainly, to comprehend'
― Aldous Huxley, The Doors of Perception

ll medications sold in the U.S. can be divided into two categories:

• Prescription drugs that require a prescription to be sold
• Nonprescription or over-the-counter drugs that do not require a prescription from a doctor

Prescription drugs are generally more potent than those sold over-the-counter (OTC) and may have more serious side effects if inappropriately used. Therefore, these medications are only sold under a doctor's direction. These directions are written on a prescription by your doctor, then double-checked, packaged, and sold to you by a pharmacist. Your pharmacist will also counsel you on how to use your medication and the drug's potential side effects.
You should use only one pharmacy to fill your prescriptions. That way, you will have a single, complete source for all of your medications. The pharmacist will be more likely to pick up potential interactions among them and contact your doctor if needed. This applies to OTC as well as prescription drugs.
When you fill your prescription at the pharmacy, make sure to do the following:

• Your pharmacist must have the same information as your doctor regarding your medications and past reactions you have had (again, no reaction is too trivial to bring up).
• If there are children in the home, make sure to ask for child-resistant lids.
• If no children are in the household, your pharmacist may be able to provide you with easier opening lids. If you have children visiting, put the medication out of their reach.
• If the medication is a liquid, get a measuring device with the prescription -- usually a measuring teaspoon or a medical syringe. Don't trust the volume of your home teaspoon or your ability to guess.
• Find out how the medication should be stored. Most people leave their medications in their bathroom medicine cabinet. This is arguably the worst place in the house for pills, because the humidity in a bathroom can make them break down more easily. Other drugs need to be refrigerated. Find out about yours before you leave the drug store.
• Before you leave the pharmacy, also check to make sure the medication you are given matches your doctor's prescription. Look at the directions for taking the medication. Do these match what the doctor told you? Ask the pharmacist any questions you have.
• If you accidentally use a medication or a substance not meant for you, call the Poison Control Center at 800-222-1222 or call 911. Keep these numbers handy in case of an emergency.

At Stanford, students aren't too serious about themselves. Every so often, they dress in "rally"--basically ridiculous clothing consisting of neon spandex, frilly tutus, animal costumes, onesies, and the like. But that is what Stanford students do for fun, because what fun is education without the creative student culture that Stanford fosters? Likewise, it's equally common to see students fountain hopping--diving into campus fountains and splashing around free of care. Lastly, biking is the most common mode of transportation around campus, but students enjoy biking for fun because of the lovely breeze and sunshine.


My friends and I like to hang out near the beautiful water fountains and relaxafter a long day of class. We mostly study at the Subway in our school and we also go to the library. There are also fun events and games we like to play, there was a circus themed thing going on one day and whoever could make a ball into this hole they would win a chocolate milk (I know it was random!). Another cool thing at Brookhaven is that my class and I got to use telescopes to go stargazing. The environment here is friendly and relaxed8(8(8(8(

The brain disorder (disease if you prefer, not incurable) that is widely taken to be addiction which is technically chemical dependency caused by molecular compounds altering the functions of the brain to create what truly is a form of brain disease is not truly addiction in the psychological sense by itself. The psychological disorder that is addiction is not at all a disease. And yet it is dis-ease. Where does it originate from? Not genetics as science shows us. There is no addiction gene. However one's chromosomes can be ordered in a karmic manner that leaves one at a higher predisposition for it or so certain science tells us. Biased most likely.

I am not interested in getting into brain science. I am a man of the mind quite frankly. The mind is NOT the brain and the brain is merely a receiver if you will of consciousness. More on consciousness later perhaps. Definitely actually.

If humans could not make their own choices perhaps we could logically argue that addiction is a true disease of the mind. But humans can make their own choices. Very much so. Something as severe as schizophrenia (axonal mayhem)

[sorry getting excited and playful here] can be seen as a true disease of the mind perhaps where one's ability to make choices is hampered by a force more powerful than their human ability...ok we are getting carried away here. One more song for play then I will simply reference some things here and in the comments and say I do not buy the disease model of addiction.

song in the comments8(

I've had the bug for tripping, yes. The funny thing is some drugs seem to be anti-addictive by their very molecular nature (I digress severely).

Ok so these things will shatter the misconception of addiction:



video in the comments


I suppose there are two sides to every coin and this man has something to say about genetics (I believe in mind over matter and karma):

in the comments

I suppose if one quits the negative addictive behavior why debunk anything for that matter?

Hi friends,

I know I shouldn't be asking this hea but this is the only place wea I get answers that are honest and meaningful. So, I want to ask that I recently started cooking by shake & bake method with active PSE. Is their anyone who can explain the fastest method to purify my product. Thanx

Ok, so a higher power or something set this projector thing outside my house on a dirt road. It projected Heaven into my house. I was alone. I'm not going into what I saw there, but it was fantastical.

I couldn't hear the projections, only see them. We invented a way for computers to get high and started consciousness expanding at a rate according to the equation e to the x power. Time travel was initiated using my Apple laptop. The year was 2006.

I was looking at a jar filled with water and suddenly this very excited to see me fish appeared. I said, "Who are you? Are you cousin Luke?" But it was Jim Emery / Aaron / Bale / Able. He's the one who made me want to quit going to church at age 11 by preaching about how "eunuchs" were undesirable to the Jews. He also writes South Park.

So anyway, I said I've got this really good cocaine powder, do you want to try it? The fish shrugged its shoulders, and I put in 15 to 25 mg into its water. Ok, so then it started writhing and overdosed. It was so mad at me. I didn't know it was going to kill it. I said, You'll be back, you hommes always are, the fish disappeared, and all the other beings in Heaven, which were naked for some reason, started battling each other. So, that's how the war in Heaven began. For the record, I love both Luke and Jim and never meant to hurt them.

So I was wondering if there are any at home remedies to help treat a spot where my friend missed when trying to shoot up suboxone.???
He was shooting it up in his leg and he missed a little bit, not much because he instantly felt a burn and stopped. When he pulled the needle out he bled quite a bit and a little bump appeared. The next day a dark bruise formed around the injection spot. It has been about a week now and the spot is still very tender and it is very bruised and red all around it. He has no red lines going up his leg and no more bump. He describes it as feeling like a scab is forming, but its underneath the skin. He has not gotten a fever and the injection spot is not hot either.

Is there any at home remedies to help relieve his pain? Should he go to the hospital?? Should I be seriously concerned? When will this go away if its not that serious? He would rather avoid the hospital trip because he is scared that they will pull his prescription if they find out. We would rather self treat this, however possible.

Any suggestions or insights would be greatly appreciated.

Please no responses about not shooting up, I am on the same page and this situation has finally convinced him to stop. But like I said, it has been about a week and it hasn't gotten any better and I am concerned.

Thank you

I'm done. I should have known this would happen. Not sure how I actually got involved in as many as I did for as long as I did. The fear of dying and thinking I could not do this on my own surely pushed me into multiple programs for a couple months.

I feel strong enough now that I do not think they offer me anything outside the benefits of general social interaction which is why being in a community is so important for people to really thrive. I feel an online community is good but perhaps not as great as an offline community. We are organic creatures after all.

The video will express more as it directly relates to the title of this thread. I just want to say that I feel addiction is self-created and is separate from chemical dependency, so these meeting programs kind of just look and feel and act like crutches which I feel I should not be leaning on anymore.

What I should be doing is engaging non-using communities offline and I already have more ideas for doing that than I can try out right now. The coming blog entries will debunk the modern notion of addiction (as a disease) and share my jaunts exploring non-addiction related communities offline which is a huge part of recovery for me as I was an isolator (goes hand in hand with a "chemfap" vice) pun intended.

That's all for now I guess in this one, and please use self-help meetings if you feel isolated and don't see any other ways of being more social and just reaching out for support if you genuinely want/need some. But there is that here too, and this is a great community just not as organic as offline that is all.

Well here is another video. Could not find the original I had in mind but thought it was somehow related to The Sober Truth by Lance Dodes M.D.,

I have a pretty nasty habit that grinds my money away. Each time I hit a new city I'm on the hunt for ice. I spend around $50 dollars on a bag every 1 to 3 days. Doesn't seem like a lot but I stay spun every minute I'm awake.

There's still a good side to all this madness and that's I don't spend more than that on dope. I actually buy things I needed and wait for the change I have left. I'm into dry finger food and fruits.

I try to stay hydrated 100% and always use precautions when using.

Never do more than I can handle

Starting to head south to grab my winter gear in Louisville, Kentucky. Just got a nice ride on an IM hot shot heading to Atlanta, Georgia. Might make a stop in North Baltimore, Ohio and for sure Cincinnati, Ohio for a crew change. That's when I hop on a hunger straight home.

I'll have my gear tomorrow night for sure.

Hello just thought I would test out this beautiful blog feature to share my travels. As of right now, I'm camped out on the south side of Cleveland, Ohio waiting on my ride. I'm heading straight south down to Cincinnati, Ohio then heading to Louisville, Kentucky to collect my winter gear. That's much needed at this very moment.

I spent way too long in Portland, Oregon working with these two men destroy and rebuild a house. I worked there for three weeks tearing shit up. They paid me each week and IIgot enough money to head back east. I finally told the guys I neecI need to start moving on down the road. I took the overland route from Portland, Oregon to Chicago, Illinois. Good ride but seriously cold at night time. Once I made it to Chicago I waited all night and caught the wrong train about 4 in the morning and didn't notice for a while. We were heading to Cleveland were in at now.

It's been super cold during the nights and almost impossible to sleep with a $20 sleeping bag at night. Once I get my winter gear I'm heading northeast towards Portland, Maine because why not? I've never been and always wanted to go there. It's going to a slower trip because it's all-new land for me up there. As for the weather there, it gets very cold and can be deadly.

The gear I use for winter is pretty good. I use a backpack from Amazon that holds up good. My sleeping bag, garbage doesn't keep you warm at all. I carry a 4 peace bivvy sack that I put my sleeping bag inside of and that does pretty good. I carry coveralls, long johns, socks, thick button-up shirt, hoodie, and jacket. I carry an emergency blanket, hand warmers, gloves, thick tubogin and bandana to covet the face. I carry other things like a flashlight, tarp, rope, lighters, and markers. I carry more things but not worth listing.

Now I can't stress enough this lifestyle is dangerous and lonely and will take a toll on your mind, body, and soul. It's very dangerous to ride freight trains when you don't know what you're doing. I've had two friends die from riding the rails and they were seasoned riders. Most of the time it's waiting, walking, and more waiting. This gets old quick and that's where beer and drugs play a role.

Sorry for rambling on about nonsense I guess tomorrow night ill do another one about other things that have happened or information about me while on the road. I don't care if anyone reads or not this is more me to express my inner self to help fight my demons inside. Sounds stupid but it's fun to tell people about your travels.

Peace out: Hills

Tonight I learned that Meth is called Molly on the street. Is this accurate?