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..yeah forgot to mention those mushrooms yeterday..got a bit of a buzz off them yesterday but defo not what you'd expect...i guess i should have taken the entire contents in one shot, i still have another sealed package of 'mexicana truffles' and also of 'dragon truffles' those i shall keep sealed until next week...next week i shall also extract some more mimosa and smoke it with this 'legal weed' as its good for nothing by itself, shame as it has the right smell...still bunched up like it is its perfect to scrape around the extraction jars when i cipher the colmans out from the crystals....still not heard anything off dad as to whether he's managed to get me anything to post over ...hey, my own father trying to buy me drugs....and no, he is no ex-hippy...the extent of his drug taking was a couple of pulls on a spliff in his 20s with his travelling work buddies, he has no contacts, he's never seen a drug dealer (not knowingly anyway...theoretically i was once a drug dealer in that i used to sell my own personal bulk purchase of speed so i could also buy crack)....

.....bought some powder off an online 'headshop' pile of shit...i might as well snort modafinil and phenibut together (thats one to try tomorrow)

if there is anyone reading this thinking all i need is to stop thinking about drugs and live a normal healthy life, well i tried that for 3 years and have ended up in hell....so no...that does not work for me and i'm on the brink of suicide here, yes i am that fucking desperate...and no its not that i have a problem..the only problem i have is that i am not being given the drugs that i need to be well so i need illegal ones as they will make me better than i am right now...and don't anybody DARE suggest otherwise as i am the expert on me...i know what it is like to live my life nd i know what does and does not work so go fuck yourselves if you think yoga or a bit of meditation and postive mindfulness is the answer FUCK YOPU AND STAF FUCKED as you know as much as a head splattered ant

...yeah...anyway...i asked some advice yesterday of how to go about finding some kind of contact for 'street supplies'....very good advice given...which i have not yet had the opportunity to yet follow....'walk around and look for people who seem to be just hanging out...then ask 'what's up'...chat a bit, say i'm looking for something and ask if they can help me find it'...if you're reading this, thanks for that advice...

Monday i have that appt with my 'therapist' ...i have this feeling he's going to lecture me on the pitfalls of drugs and try and pursue a drug free nice chat approach to handling my BPD....i shall then tell him exactly what i think about that and warn him how i am on the fucking edge here, i'm fucking bordering emotional breakdown here...give me some of your fucking fixing drugs fuck sake or i will search for some good old fashioned illeagal drugs as they will help me a damn site more than you you pathetic waste of your job....shit, i should be a therapist...except i have not showered since the weekend...but hey...the weekend man!!....prior to that it had been months !!....it has been days since i last combed my hair though and my hair is long....it reaches my knees.....to stop it tangling up too much in my days of non-combing i keep it in a side 'braid' (in the UK we say 'plait) ...then i wrap it in a silk wrap and tuck it all into a baggy cap...this i will then wear all day..and night, yes i even sleep in it...but as always...i am perfectly normal and healthy..i should be working...especially in a job where i have daily contact with the general public so that i can lose it and verbally abuse them for looking at me in the wrong way, or asking me something when i'm in a 'fucking dont dare talk to me!!' frame of mind (which i should imagine would be most of the time)

everytime i leave my house i feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode at somebody...i don't hate everybody....i just often feel like i do...but then i know that i shouldn't...but i do hate that french cunt who knocked me over but what can i do about that now....she should be paying me a fucking fortune for doing this to me.....i used to work y'know...i was a support worker...loved doing that, i was really good at that...i understood people in emotional difficulty, i couild relate to them and their hardships, their temperament...some of them were known to be fucking violent and unpredicatble...staff were shit scared of them...i would not show fear to them, i'd have them walk right up to me and stand and wait for them to do something rather than cower away as if they were some kind of lepper ....wtf am i typing about

FUCKING DRUGS MAN GIVE ME DRUGS
...and let me live happily ever after..

...anything would be happier than this
So i just collected some tobacco off Mum...'just tobacco?'...'yes Mum just tobacco'....I fail to mention i just recieved some purchase of 'legal weed'.....its called 'white russian' and claims to have 19%cbd....it smells like weed....it does not smoke like weed....hey ho...guess next week i'll extract some more DMT as kids will be staying at their dad's 300 miles away so it won't matter when i trip out...my daughter has already broken up for the half term hols, she is listenning to 'a thousand years' upstairs as she plays with her LOL dolls...earlier we watched movies together, beginning with 'Nerve'...and then 'Conjuring 2'....i have diagnosed the character of 'Emma Robert's' friend in Nerve with Borderline personality disorder....although of course, she is nothing like me...but...oh well, why am i gonna go through the points of my diagnosis of a character...anyway, not sure where this is going but my daughter is coming downstairs so bye
How do you get out of the dreaded friend-zone, is it actually possible? and more to the point how does it happen, I thought it was going well....... But oh know how wrong am I??? I'm in the mists of a mid life crisis ( kinda loving it) just turned 40 and recently come out of a 15 yr relationship. Am i destined to a spinster life or just need to '' get back in the game '' because at the moment its not exactly going to plan............ HELP!!!!!How do you get out of the dreaded friendzone, is it actually possible? and more to the point how does it happen, I thought it was going well....... But oh know how wrong am I??? I'm in the mists of a mid life crisis ( kinda loving it) just turned 40 and recently come out of a 15 yr relationship. Am i destined to a spinster life or just need to '' get back in the game '' because at the moment its not exactly going to plan............ HELP!!!!!

So after recently coming out of a 15 year relationship at the ripe old age of 40, the whole dating lark seems to have changed some what!! Maybe it's just i'm mega out of practice, maybe it's because at 40 I can't be arsed with all the B*ll*cks and Bull Sh*t and know what I want? And let me tell you it certainly seems that most available men of a similar age are single for a reason!!!
My problem being is that I some how seem to end up in the dreaded friend zone with anyone that I think could be a possible boyfriend/partner ( I know the word boyfriend sounds childish) and i want to know why????
Am I giving off the wrong signals? or am I unable to read the signals? am I just extra sensitive or desperate and mistaking enjoying said persons company and feeling that it is reciprocated, as more than what it actually is??
So my current Friend zone situation is, I've recently met this guy who has just moved into my village, we instantly hit it off , same sense of humour, same life ethos, morals and ethics,lots in common e.g: music tastes, food, both hippies, love of water, same age bar a year, both recently come out of long term relationships me 15yrs him 18yrs.
He has been the first man that has actually made me feel that spark again since my split, I feel happy when i'm around him, I look forward to being around him, I miss him when I'm not around him and I think about him all the time, he looks at me in a way that makes me feel special. He gives me the impression that he feels the same, he gives me lots of his attention and time, took me away on his boat for 3 days ( it's a small motor boat not a posh yacht ) and it was beautiful, the sunsets, the tranquillity of being around water, with the added bonus of no awkwardness and being with him.
Perfect I hear you all saying, just give it some time, let nature take its course and why do feel you have been friend zoned????
Well let me explain to you all why I fear I've been friend zoned. On our first proper meeting (i'd admired from afar for a week or so) I'd sent my wing women in to find out some details e.g relationship status, where he lived etc etc at this current point i was working behind the bar in my local with an hour to go before I finished. So my insecure self with my eyes on the prize decided that if i had a couple of dutch courage drinks (large savs) pre flirt that I would come across funnier, more interesting and ouze self confidence, which I did or I thought / Felt like I did. We carried on drinking throughout the late afternoon into the evening , I obviously becoming drunker and drunker and louder and louder , to be fair not just me him too, we were enjoying each others company. There was a table with about 8 of us on but it felt like it was just us and we were in our own little zone, our common interests and sense of humour were becoming more and more apparent, I was flirting ( or thought I was flirting) he was flirting (or I thought he was flirting) until he invited me back to his for a night cap, at this point I totally thought I was in and that my plan had worked. Once back at his, which I'd presumed he lived at alone, he said his step son of 18yrs old lived there too, not a problem I thought , not recognising how hammered I actually was ( a loud, over bearing weirdo) I walked into what i thought was the living room , but was actually said step sons bedroom . Now any normal person would've apologised and left as he had his girlfriend in his room , and given that they'd never met me before a quick whoops sorry would've been quite enough, but not me , well I did apologise but my actually words , whilst looking at his girlfriend were '' God I'm sorry , didn't realise this was your room good job you weren't noshing him off ''. I can't really remember much else about what I actually said, but lets just say tact has always been something I've lacked, so I can imagine my deliverance of '' I really like you'' may have come out as '' I want to fuck you or I want your dick'' I know, I know this isn't how a lady should talk but I was pissed!!! Unfortunately the one thing I can remember is him saying that he really liked me too and could see us becoming great friends, but that was it :( !!!
I was gutted that i'd miss read all the signals, but like I say loved spending time with him , so thought i'm just gonna have to suck it up and just enjoy (however hard) a friendship with him and nothing more, plus I realising i needed to brush up on my signals radar. But then he starts giving me signals, taking me away for 3 days when i needed it most, chilling me right out. The first night away we had a little kiss , and a little fiddle , to point the point that I had to tell him to stop as i didn't want to be making loads of sex noises in front of Damo, but I think that turned him on? Not him wanting Damo to hear, but for me to have to hold it all in and teasing me to the point of almost cumming
So after this i'm thinking maybe we're not friend zoned ??? or have i just totally been used after putting myself out there straight away???
So if I am friend zoned is it possible to get out of? If so how?
Please Help






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So no more Mimosa Hostilis for a while, my Mum now knows it a warning sign if i go and take tobacco off her as i'm a vaper now...unless i've extracted some Mimosa Hostilis snowballs in my freezer, then i'm pouring the unfrozen colmans fuel through 2 wire mesh lined with lab filter paper and kingsize rizla paper and scaping the crystals out with a rubber spatula and putting them on tobacco to smoke, as i have realised that.....unlike my earlier belief that i got a better high from eating the absolute foul tasting colmans and lye soaked crystals that burnt my mouth to shit until i swallowed vinegar.....the high was more intense smoking the crystals with tobacco....i still have 200grams of powdered mimosa.....i was getting a good extraction using 50grams a time...i have plenty of lye...i have plenty of colmans...i have collection jars to freeze....but i have a mother next door who witnessed my mini head fuck on sunday...such a shame as it's a mad buzz to watch a movie with....i have magic mushrooms...maybe i should take those as i cannot store them in the fridge and i openned a pack when they arrived......soooo...yep, thats what i'll do today...mushrooms
....so it's a sad and worrying start to a new week my my cat Lionel missing since friday morning....kids have been calling his name, i have been calling his name, he does not come, but his sister Katniss does...she is normally the fave but sad to say...atm...it's like a dissapointment to see her and not her brother, my son has been climbing the tree in the back garden...in case he was stuck up there and so he had a better view..i had told him not to of course....i do not want a dead son who has fallen out of the tree......whatever has happenned to Lionel has happenned...maybe he will come back maybe he won't....my kids dad has told me to put a post on Facebook so i have done so on my sons FB page as i'm logged into that on my tablet...long story as to why but he doesn't really use FB but he has friends on there, it is linked to his instagram which he has put a 'story' on about Lionel going missing which i guess stands a chance of success...he mentions a 'reward for a safe return'...a monetary incentive to 12 year olds!??...plus they have little 'hide outs' that are local to here and in forest like locations where a cat could have wandered so......and my Facebook has 800+ friends...YAY i'm so popular..hear that!! 800+ friends...wow..the parties at mine can you imagine!!.....except the vast majority of these i have never exchanged a vocal word with and never seen in my entire life neither am i ever likely to...they live all over ...some in the US, some in africa,...various parts of Europe...some prob live in various parts of the UK...some defo do...some are family...about 5 i think...some are old friends...less than 10 i should think....some are friends i have spoken to on the phone perhaps around 6 or so (not counting friends and old friends who i do actually know and have met face to face...i'm talking just spoken to on phone being only interactions).......i have not put a post on my FB...i know that Lionel is an adventurous cat and all but i doubt he's made his way to another country.....let alone a new county.....my kids dad ....who keeps making digs at my lack of housework, cleanliness, hygiene etc....'nit picking'.....said i should have put a post on MY FB...what...so one of my 800+ really good friends on there may set up an exploration extradition and cross country round the globe especially on a cat seeking quest....so i told him i may as well put a post on here too so that 'my friends on Bluelight can have a look for him' i will actually start a thread later...it will be of interest to see the response i may get.....i doubt it will end with the safe return of Lionel even with a reward offered for his safe return.....

oh i did not need to see my doctor in the end on friday...tf for that as i felt like shite...still suffering a bit of a bad cold now...but no doctors appt necessary, my daughter set my phone alarm for 9am when she got up for school as i was too ill to get up at that time......i got up about 15 mins before that went off and about 8:50am the dr's call me and tell me...ever so politely...that no need to come in or worry about my doctors appt as it was all sorted out now and i would be able to collect my prescrpition.....i asked if i would be able to get it that day as i was only given a days worth the day before...oh yes...just wait until late morning....so i ask my mum (who lives in the house next door to me)...when she comes round to see if i want to walk for tesco and i tell her that i feel like shit could she please collect my prescription (which is on the way to tesco).....she returns a little later....prescription was not ready to collect!!!!???!!! CUNTS!!....can you imagine if i'd gone!!!....just what my saintly mother said ever so nicely to them...that it was a good thing 'my daughter didnt come herself'......so she said they would call on their contact number (my mobile number)...which they do....and tell me its ready, at the front desk and 'please could you let your mother know'.......yeah....cos you fucking don't want me to come down and call you all a bunch of useless cunts that you demonstrably are....i did not say that...i did not need to.....but yeah..you get the drift

my son and his friend had a sleepover at my mum's last night...he wanted his friend to sleep over and we only have 2 bedro0ms and the place really is tiny...and messy....my son and daughter had been hard at work tidying to earn money throughout the week and for such a tiny house.....they spent hours...did really well...place is a shit heap again....where am i going with this??...anyway...their dad was 'sleeping over' the weekend as our daughter had invited him in the week despite last time he was here he got drunk (he always drinks 2 bottles of wine...thats his norm...used to be mine too but i stopped...used to do daft shit on social media and bought cats when i'm not allowed them in rented property etc...) ..and called me the most self centred person he'd ever met....i ignored him...he'd forgotten by the next morning when i was still ignoring him as i wasn't talking to him......anywayt...bloody get to the point woman!!!.....no room for the kids sleeepover here so they'd asked my mum if they could sleep in one of her 2 bedrooms (in her nice tidy house...she's not mentally broken....she wasn't knocked of a bike by a french cunt but she did go over the handles of a bike and knock her front teeth out in her 20's but she is still the unrecognized mother theresa of the UK born with the scars of stigmata but they have somewhat faded now but were quite evident when she was a kid but she just thought everybody had them and her own mother had never noticed and was too busy...)...now get this for a 12 year old boy sleepover...bless...both my son and his mate are known as tough young boys....i taught them both how to fight...i used to reward my son for winning fights...i tell him never to bully but to always stick up for himself..never start a fight...finish it...don't throw the first punch..throw the last...etc..you get the idea...anyway...they were taking their 'loot' round to my mum's for their 'BOYZ ONLY' sleepover (but of course they were going to have to respect my mum's no nonsense and no loud swearing rules plus an 11pm lights off and silence curfew...).....this included some of their proud purchses of the day in Truro town where my son had been spending his prized earned ?50 note (which i gave to him for the house cleaning, sister to school walking...doing his 'impossible 18 hours!!! ' homework...and being just...'good').....they were both excitedly showing off some of this stuff to his little sister on their way over....and i overheard them excitedly showing her their scented bath bombs, rainbow coloured and coconut smelling....my son came running into the lounge to also excitedly show me....i allowed him to excitedly show me his scented lot without so much of a glimpse of humor at the idea of what he may well think of the latter 'self interpretation' of this 'bath bomb scented loot sharing boys buddy sleep over' when he's say...15, 16,17...i should imagine by that age both my son and his friend will have conveniently have forgotten and never will they utter a word about it...for obvious interpretational reasons that escapes them at the age of 12 and that i shall allow to escape them as its...kinda cute and amusing....hey, its all harmless....

.............no bloody point in any of this...

..oh...just been reminded as to the origins of the p[[oint of this by my cat clawing at the bacxk door (we have no cat flap as we should not have cats in our rented accomodation).....obviously Katniss and not Lionel...poor Katniss, the dissapointment....BUT DONT GO WANDERING OFF ASWELL WE LOVE YOU!!!

...it's a long shot..but should anybody be reading this...and should anybody actually have made it through all of this rambling tripe of crap that doesn't go anywhere or get anywhere or make any point whatsoever....here is the point...

...we have lost our black and white cat Lionel....we live in Redruth in Cornwall.....our cat likes to wander into any open doors so please check your sheds, garages, summer houses etc....he's 7 months and hius name is Lionel....he has a black face with a white 'lightning bolt' type stripe down the top and is white under the nose...he has no collar...his favourate colour is pink and he likes reading and playing cards and has a degree in physics...he also likes mimosa hostilis bark extraction soaked tobacco in colmans lighter fuel and when tripping off his face likes to be held like a baby....its a long shot....but you just never know...reward for a safe return....Katniss is lonely and lost without him and we promise to let him have 'the chosen special cat food' in the future....
So the week ends / begins depending on how you see a sunday....on me having a mini reality flip out on mimosa extraction crystals that i'd been smoking with tobacco....i was sitting on my sofa 'watching a movie' which really i was tripping out to in a meditational like dreamstate....in my mind i'm thinking 'God help me, if there's a reason for me still to be here you're gonna have to show me cos i'm giving up on this life i want out'.....then as the movie went all trippy i don't know what exactly happenned but it was as tho my reality had shifted, kinda like a dream but i was not asleep....i suddenly thought i had killed myself .....yet i could still see my kids...i thought i was trapped in my house and was saying goodbye to them (in reality they had exploded a plastic bottle of cherryade outside and had come to tell me and show me.....i do not remember this neither do i remember following them, i just remember being at the back door....apparently i then hugged my daughter...which they took as very strange as my reaction should have been one of anger....so my son told me to go and have a sit down....then they went to fetch my Mum from next door)....my Mum then came round and BAM 'back to reality'...thank goodness!!....she says to me 'what are you doing you're scaring the kids' and i see my daughter crying....my son defends me by saying that i had been trying new things as the medicine from my doctor wasn't helping .....my Mum collects up the used extraction mixture to empty down the garden and i put the collection jars in the sink.....(i wasn't really wasting any, i'd pretty much smoked the latest collection of crystals).....my son gives me a hug as i begin to explain what my reality had switched to...my son tactfully interrupts and says i can explain later (in an obvious attempt to protect his little sister)....its been about 2 years since my kids last saw me 'acting strange' due to substances......i don't particularly like the trippy high...its certainly not productive...my house is still a shit hole....but it's almost like i was 'shown' a glimpse of what i'd feel like if i committed suicide...and yes...theoretically i'd feel nothing as i'd be dead...but say there is a higher conciousness after death that is aware of the impact and hurt and all you have actually just 'given up' and the hurt and suffering caused.....it was as though i had a reality slap in the face....like a moment of clarity as my kids dad put it...i left out the mimosa bark extraction crystal smoking when i relayed what had occured to him.....but yesterday i had a quite productive day, my Mum came and told me we would walk to Aldi for groceries.....we did....when i got back i called to put in a claim for PIP (Personal Independance Payment and you're eligible if you have suffered a health complaint that affects your daily living for over 3 months and its likely to continue for a further 9 months at least....well yeah government fuckwads....tribuneral!?? ...here's another claim..in your face!! i have borderline personality disorder and shout cunts and the doctors and scream at my daughters teacher ....imagine me working!?)....i also finaly made an appointment with our dentist... my teeth are falling to bits....Lye water and colmans fuel consumption clearly is not good for teeth.....i also called my mental health therapist who i've never met but have been referred to as my doctor cannot fix me.....and told him about the weekend...about my desperation and my self medicating as nothing is working.....he's made an appointment for monday 22nd 11am....whilst explaining that i may not need medication as i've never tried talking therapy...i felt like telling him 'Look fucktard...if you think that a fecw nice little chats are gonna be any good whatsoever by themselves then you're a useless cunt like the rest of em and i may as well move on up in the world and visit the dark web for drugs as a nice little chat won't fix fuck'.....my Mum has said she'll come with me...i'll have to mind my language a tad...but woah if he tries that stupid fuckwit approach.....i'm desperate here for fucks sake and there are medicenes that have never been tried yet some that are thrown at me...trazadone being one and that was BAD...but had i realised its black market value i'd have hung on to that prescription....give me adderall you fucking CUNTS
Some type of neurological flare up? Or simply an interaction from recently ingesting propylhexedrine/citemadine/alcohol within the last 24hrs? (SP?) Lots of weird pain sensations, motor control issues, muscle spasms and shaking.
Feels like I'm being administered pain relief by IM injection at times. Feel other odd sensations and notice a lot of odd abnormalities in peripheral vision. Memory is weird. Time flows at erratic paces. Urine, salvia, semen, feces, mucous all smell strange. Sometimes I get the odd sensation and smell of being in a hospital bed. Even seems at times that my sensory input is false... like I'm really hookup up to a machine and actually being tested on without being fully aware of it.
Am i just weird? Or brain tumor/problem or is my mind slowly unraveling ? Guess I can't do much about it besides try and make the most of whatever this is. Life goes on until it doesn't anymore. Deal.
8oshit, so went to parents evening at my daughters school and she's such a little desperate to please little girl....her teacher is very pleased with her, but another teacher....miss minchin fuck shit...i let loose on that skinny big nosed cunt!! how dare she have a go at my daughter!!...so after leaving a very bewildered miss minchfuck to my son having to explain wtf had just happenned in her classroom...bought my kids some sweets from the co-op outside her school and then some sausage rolls from the bakers as it was buy one get one free, then pondered the possibility of hairdressers being a way of laundering money here in redruth
Pretty crazy to look back on my old posts and read some of them. Reminds me how resilient I used to be (or still am, and don't realize it?)
Hello reader,

Swim is an experienced tripper, he has a couple dozen Lsd trips under his belt as well as a bunch of mushroom experiences.

The other month Swim decided to try candyflipping but ended up receiving an Xtc pill from his backup plug that had no aroma of ?Black Liquorice? and had a very long comeup. Despite my concerns about the authenticity of the MDMA pill & that it was more likely methylone or something of the type, Swim had a successful if not, interesting trip full of strange machinescapes with goofy, 2D turning gears and cogs as well as pistons and gauges pumping steam.

Wouldnt say it it was beautiful but it did give him some interest in the combination of Xtc & lsd. I did take around 700-800 ug that night and ended up in the bath tub for hours.

However, the other week Swim finally got his hands on some genuine MDMA from his trusted source. He had two 160ug lsd tabs left and some half-dried B+ cubensis. Swim decided tripping would be fun with a pal so he invited his friend ?Kris? over whilst his parents were away. Kris is a fan of tripping but does it much less in frequency than Swim but almost always has a positive experience on his lower doses.

Swim had finished work at 8pm and had met Kris on the way home.

Swim decided the acid, being the longest lasting substance made the most sense to drop first.

9:00pm - Swim & Kris dropped 160ug of lsd each whilst setting up the Xbox into the front room and ensuring that the trip space was clean and pleasing on the eye.

9:45pm - Swim is feeling the Lsd & is enjoying the buzz.

9:55pm - Kris starts to laugh and talks about how strong the acid is this time.

10:30pm - Swim dropped half 220mg pink Tesla pill. Kris isn?t a fan of MDMA and thus chooses to pass on the Mandy.

11:00pm - After hitting a bong each we decided to go out for a walk & to smoke a joint down the road. Swim is forced to wear sunglasses as the street lamps are appearing overly bright, each beam of light becoming a strange purple flower that blossomed open the more Swim stared.

12:00am - Complete ecstasy, Swim is enveloped in Dmt-esc overlayed faces that were both an imagine of person?s face viewed from head on & side on simultaneously. For 30 minutes straight Swim chain smokes cigarettes whilst not being able to see anything other than incredible visuals. Kris is complaining that one minute he is tripping extra hard, next moment not at all. Also complaining of headaches and nausea.

1:00am - Swim decided to brew the B+ boomers into a tea and requested the help of Kris.

1:15am - After incredible laughter & mess the brew was completed. Much to my surprise - before adding half a jar of honey (Kris was complaining tha if he tasted shrooms he would throw up) - the liquid brew turned bright blue signalling strong presence of psilocybin.

2:00am - Once we sorted the lift home out for Kris, we decided to chug our half?s of the brew ( more accurately Swim took 3/4 Kris took 1/4)
Swim also dropped the other half of the pill.

2:30am - After Kris left the vicinity, the boomers made Swim feel very ?melty? or ?gooey?, went into an instensley visual yet cognitively confusing state of mind where he found himself writing things down to make sense of it.

2:45am - Swim began to imagine a huge neon ?Foo dog? face that was heavily blue & orange. It came to Swim in a very angry/irritable mood.
Every negative thought Swim had it snarled & gnashed it?s teeth together. However Swim would then follow it up with a positive thought & the reaction from the Foo dog would be intense audible laughter as well as a cheeky grin. It became immediately apparent to Swim that this image was a representation of the shrooms and it was trying to teach me to look at the world in a more optimistic fashion. Towards the end of the night it had convinced Swim he needs to experience more of the world & he then booked a holiday.

4:30am - Swim finally manages to get to sleeps after countless bongs.

Other notes - It was later brought to Swims attention by Kris that on the journey home he had seen himself sat in the back of the car smoking cigarettes with his eyes closed. Despite the fact he was in the front seat fully aware he wasn?t actually smoking.

Hope you enjoyed Swims report & if any other Swimmers have experienced a similar trip, he would appreciate a response :)
tried Kratom yesterday, bought some 'extract' thought it'd be white powder for some reason and its dark brown granular stuff defo not for snorting as i learnt yesterday.....oh fuck that!!!....so youtube helped, dash n splash....t-spoon of the stuff washed down ....trouble yesterday was i'd already taken phenibut so was difficult to decipher what was doing what, this morning i just 'dash n splash' and tbh ....wtf!?? and cost bloody enough, if only i had contacts as illegal drugs i could buy cheaper and would be more effective.....so i anticipate the 4th pull off my mimosa extraction....come to think of it...that is what i should do right now
so fucking bored i wish i could get high...got tiny bit of mimosa left but not the time to go through extraction process....plus been wondering whether extreme headache was down to being poisoned by colmans fuel consumption...

still...loved tripping out like that...kids dad coming down, he's a drunk and is likely to drink, talk bollox, ramble while i try and watch a movie (i know i ramble on here...but believe it or not...i'm not much of a talker...well, except when i'm pissed off and calling people 'cunts' but really that does not happen often....kinda bizare though that i've been going to these docs for about 15 years on and off.....at least 11 years constantly and collecting medication....on the odd occaision they get everything right....its a walk in walk out satisfying experience.....most of the time there's a que....of recent years i have developed aggraphobia so leaving me house is a trauma and i will wait for my daughter to come home from school...or walk with my mum.....i'll at times tut and be obviously peeved at having to wait around to get my medication sorted....the other day i let rip......now....they all seem to recognise me by sight......they are ott pleasant and go out of their way to help......shouting 'cunt' seems to get things done...

yes i know i've made spelling errors but could not give a flying fuck

this is boring and don't read it as its pointless crap

no really, its shite

the world is shit and is only bareable on drugs
Long story short I am an addict I was using heroin for a long time until I caught an infection in my spine from iv drug use and got really sick. Due to multiple surgeries I am now prescribed oxycodone 20mg . I haven?t used heroin in months but as soon as i was hospitalized I was in a dilaudid pump then switched to Oral oxys... so I?ve been taking the oxycodone for about 4 months now and like i said I?m an addict so of course I wanna feel better at times so I take more. Snorting it does absolutely nothing for me not even a rush. Taking it orally in higher doses I do feel something. Well now my doctor wants to switch me to OxyContin and I?m not sure since I?ve only taking OCs not the OPs and just need opinions on 1) if switching will actually help with the pain I?m having and 2) can it get me high if I wanna use it. I don?t need stories telling me I?m going down a dark road lol because Im pretty sure I already knew that when shooting dope caused my spine to be fucked up for the rest of my life... plus I?ve been doing drugs for 13 years and I?m only 26. So I get it. I really am just trying to find the right meds to actually help with the pain. I don?t know what else to do ...
I feel like i'm stuck in this horrible fucking life and no matter what, it will never get better. sad thing is,,,, it's just me. everyone else is fine. im exploding inside. id rip my hair out if i hadnt already shaved it off.=( was almost to my butt. first i took scissors taking it all the way to my chin. that lasted a couple months then after talking to myself all day, i decided for another change. shaved it. its growing back now, but shit i hope it grows back lol. i look worse now. like a fucking ugly ass butch w cancer.. well, i may have cancer which is the shitty part. but thats the least of my worries. I NEED TO FIND MYSELF! that bitch run off and left me with nothing but pain. im about to throw the towel in. i was never a quitter.... which is why i went through so much bc my dumb ass thought i could change the world lmao. fucking joke.
so my week so far, yesterday i blew a caskit at my docs with my daughter in tow....storming out shouting they were 'all a bunch of fucking cunts'....the crime?? not having my prescription of co-codamol ready to collect....it's not the first time and my doctor works part time so nothing could be done but....how dare they!! ....so today i phone and notice how very polite and nice they are....of course they remembered me.....i guess ots not a daily thing some a mother comes stomping into the surgery infront of a waiting room full of prospective patients and demands they sort their fucking selves out for fucks sake at the tops of their voice and then departs screaming they're all a bunch of cunts then helpfully hold the door open for a mother carrying her baby who has decided she does not wish to walk out the open door held by me....the maniac 'cunt' shouter.

........the duty doctor prescribed me 8....a days amount....along with a 9:30am appt with my doctor tomorrow......i'm with my mother this time....she is the unrecognized 'Mother Theresa' of the UK born with the scars of stigmata....definately not a 'cunt' shouter.....and also very appalled at learning about my behaviour yesterday....she accompanied me today....i did not call them cunts today....i was nice...i also noticed that the lady at the pharmacy knew me by sight (i must've spoken with her on the phone.....i guess news must've travelled about the crazy cunt shouter from yesterday....and no-body wanted to be on the receiving end today)........not sure if thats a good thing...but she was ever so nice....the lady at the prescription desk was also nice....i handed over a card to give to their colleague....the one who bore the brunt of my 'cunt' shouting yesterday.....it was a random greetings card i had purchased years ago...one of them random 'one off' type cards with a gesture not for everyday...but one that you buy (coz its cheap mostly...in the bargain bin)....as you forsee a time in the future when the message might be appropriate....this was the day that i managed to appropriately use my
'please forgive me' card (with a picture of a crying bear) inside with a sad moon face and the words 'even i sometimes make mistakes'

.........i wrote an appropriate eulogy 'dear manor surgery staff sorry for my behaviour i know you were only trying to help'....it doesn't exactly excuse me but at least its a gesture of regret.

rest of the day i've spent smoking my magic tobacco and phylosiphising (<<spelt wrong but fuck it) my life....then thought 'hey lets type on my blog...get it off my shoulders'....i'm going to practice developing psychopathic traits so i dont experience the guilt and desperation i experience after telling my doctors to go fuck themselves.

Coming from a Bible belt state it was mind blowing! All the different strains! 30 percent thc. It was like heaven. The prices suck but whatever it's las Vegas all the prices suck
So I have been wanting to grow a DMT containing plant for a while, but I'm having issues finding one that's not the size of a tree. Does anyone know of a houseplant-sized plant that has a decent yield?
So I have been wanting to grow a DMT containing plant for a while, but I'm having issues finding one that's not the size of a tree. Does anyone know of a houseplant-sized plant that has a decent yield?
I cant take this, any of it. I am fucked up in my head so fucking much. I cant take anymore of his fucking drunk arguments, shit talk, everyday to me. I fucking hate myself enough as it is and he didnt plan to move in and help me get better. He's just making it WORSE BY THE SECOND for me. I just want to fucking die. If I had a way to get some drugs, any drugs, I would and just drown my fucking sorrows. I am here 24/7 BY MYSELF NO MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING. I FEEL LIKE I AM BEING CONTROLLED AGAIN. Hes lost his fucking mind. No way we can ever be together, he wont change. I regret taking the phone he gave me on his plan. I cant even fucking drive to a casino to get away w out him online tracking me. Seeing who I call and text. questioning EVERY MOTHER FUCKING THING I DO. I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. DUH! HELLO!!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU I DID DUMB FUCK. THIS IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE HEALTHY. FOR ME, HIM OR MY KIDS. AND HE JUST DRINKING WALKING AROUND TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME LOUDLY SO I CAN HEAR. IM A "NARCISSIST LIKE MY EX" "IM A FUCKING BITCH WHORE LIAR SHITTY ASS PARENT." HE SAYS. Oh, but everytime he is sorry dont mean it and loves me. NOT. what is this a fucking joke. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO COME HOME TO ALL THIS SHIT. NOT ME. EVER. WHICH IS WHY I QUIT. IM THROWING THE TOWEL IN. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE. HE WINS. KEVIN WINS, MICHELE ALREADY WON, THEY ALL DID. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS MOTHER FUCKERS YA HAPPY.
.....So i go to bed last night feeling like shit, my head felt like it was being ripped to shreds with a blunt object.......was worried whether i'd make my docs appt, which i felt was fucking pointless anyway.....

Dr to me......'so what can i do for you?' (this is pretty much her first question everytime except the time she diagnosed me......

me to Dr.....'err could you please sort out my medicine so i can collect it without causing a scene?'

Dr to me...' i think i might be being un-professional after that incident you best keep collecting a pittance weekly'

me to Dr...' if i wanted to kill myself i would jump off the bridge in town...i would not overdose so my kids could come home and find a dead mother'

we continue in this pointless dialogue and i shout 'CUNT' and walk out

i look for another 'please forgive me' card
&#8203;i honestly feel like i am announcing my end of days on this earth and no not a cry for help as way beyond that...help?? isnt that what a doctor does ?? my doctor has a fucked up time with me..........
w anybody who seems to have a pointi can use any colour and dress it up anyway i like and there is no fucking point behind any of this...and people follow anyone who seems to have a point...jeez what is wrong with the human race??....why are drugs illegal anyway when you can walk into a fucking pharmacist and their back is littered with drugs all packaged up in nice little boxes as they 'fix' people who are broken..

and what about legalising fucking drugs...huh?? why the fuck not??

people have the freedom of choice and not everyone is going to decide to take drugs but whether or not they are legal is besides the fucking point when most people in power are stuffing the shit into their veins and up their noses in a prestine mansion its all the fucking same

excuse my language but dont read if you are easily offended

yes i like to say fuck shit cunt bastard bitch arsehole and any other stupid arse simple words that really are just that words

we can speak and we can all decide to sleep eat etc....but drugs are illegal and i'm killing myself by self poisoning myself with colmans fuel soaked crystals....which would be best...that i could walk into a shop and buy drugs and know what i was getting, or resort to google in an attempt to get high...

where is the logic in this fucked up world
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