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Nah but things are crazy. Just got out of another fucking phych hospital. I think every admission brings me another step closer to hell. I know this one did. First they cut me off suboxone with only clonidine and robaxin the worlds worst muscle relaxer to ease any of the pain. Luckily the half life held off the sickness for 4 of the 5 days i was there but facing down that kind of sickness and not knowing when or if you can get well is not something i would wish on my worst enemy. Its just mental torture I don't know how people survive kicking maintenance habits in jail I really don't but massive sympathy to those that have or will in the future.

So I got out yesterday got to the sub doctor today and my prescription is ready at the pharmacy. Please pray my mom gets here before 10 so we can get it. I dont know if ill survive another night of this. This is like the bad old days all over again. I swear i thought i was done with this part of my life. Well I guess not huh?

So to recap I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, adhd, and complex-ptsd. That is a mouthful. Oh and im a drug addict. Fuck

This world is really a cold place when your alone. I don't have any friends anymore. I just want a warm body to share this existence with.

Dad its been three years today that I had to say goodbye to you, watching you die in front of me was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do....

Mom and I are fine, we miss you very much but we take it one day at a time.

I am still angry that you had to leave us the way you did, why didn't you listen to me and go to the doctor? Why did you feel the need to suffer the way you did?

I kind of feel like you just gave up, like you gave up on us. I would have done anything to have saved you and made you better again but you refused my help.

I hope that wherever you are you are that you are at peace.

Love your daughter,
BehindtheShadow

xxx

Greetings, this is my first post on this forum and researching different teks and ways to grow mushrooms in monotubs, I have started my first "batch". I have a pretty laid out/written out procedure for every step of the process, but I am still stuck on the slow or no growth of the mycelium within my substrate jars. Below is my explanation regarding situation regarding my inoculation process and colonization period. NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST GROW ATTEMPT, bare with me

I used 6 half pint pre-sterilized subtrate mason jars that are filled with bee pollen, verm and some coco coir. There is a verm layer on the top of each, while the bee pollen is on the bottom portion of each jar. Each jar had 4 small, syringe sized holes made through the lid. I also used a Burma spore syringe (10cc).

When it was time to mix the spores into the jars, I sterilized the entire area, wore gloves, a hat, and had a sterile sterilite tub over my head to avoid any air contams that might reach the jars during the process. I also had a soaked (rubbing alcohol) paper towel for the syringe to rest on inbetween jars.

This is where I get worried.

Once I prepared all ingredients (sterilized and all), I began injecting spores. I shook up the syringe moderately beforehand, but still saw many of the spores were localized in the middle. Nonetheless, I was confident there would be enough spores spread out in the syringe that it would still work. I ended up injecting roughly 1.5cc-2cc of spore juice into each jar (WHICH IN RETROSPECT IS A LOT), but I felt it might speed up colonization and I needed to use the syringe anyways. Around my 3rd jar, I saw that a majority of the spores that were once localized were FINALLY being pushed out. I am very nervous that I put too many spores in one jar, and left far too few for any of the others. After I finished inoculating, I covered them all with tin foil and a rubberband for the night, in a warm/dark place.

The next day I picked up micropore tape and replaced the tin foil and rubberband on the tops of each with tape over the 4 holes for FAE. I have them now placed in my closet, with a space heater nearby that maintains a temp from 80-90 degrees F. The space heater fluctuates quite a bit, and I am worried there also isnt enough consistent heat. Humidity in the closet is also very low (10-40%). It has been 5 days now and not a single bit of mycelium is forming. The jars themselves are sitting in a contractor bag with tin foil lining the edges to trap heat. The bag itself is opened enough for FAE, but closed enough for no light to enter. I have been checking on the jars once a day since I inoculated.

NOTE: during the moving process/replacement of tin foil with micropore tape, the jars themselves were shaken and slightly tipped unintentionally.

Overall, I feel that only one jar will actually colonize, and that I fucked up the other 5 and wasted far too many spores. However, I am trying to remain positive and confident that the spores will do its job over time and germinate no matter how many are there. I just need some advice on whether I should retry with another batch of jars and different syringe (also shaking the syringe far more and being more precise). Should I wait it out a few more days? Is humidity a big factor when colonizing? And, would any of the above information/procedures worry you if this were to happen to you. I am open to any and all comments, my apologizes if there is already a thread for this, but I have been searching forever and haven't found anything this specific.

If this works, greenlighters can now post blogs. If not, I probably broke it.

- Tranced

blah blah blah ....................................................y'know i need to learn how to copy and paste as its all along the sides >>>>>>>>> i began as a green and now its late and i gotta go to bed and wait for frozen things and y'know like stuff

a dialogue with a skeptic

"because we can't be sure we're experiencing even without accepting that something experience-like is going on instead, life has no meaning."

"so you're saying if you are not completely experiencing an alternative to experience, and you can't be sure you're experiencing, then life has no meaning."

"yes!"

"by what percentage of uncertainty do you doubt you're experiencing?"

"100%"

"so one full unit of doubt negates all meaning?"

"yes."

"how much does a partial unit of doubt negate meaning?"

"100%"

"then each partial unit of doubt is also doubt. that observation won't help you, though. if you doubted not at all, how much meaning would be restored."

"if i didn't doubt, life would have meaning."

"what would make you stop doubting?"

"nothing."

"then, sir, you believe life has no meaning, you aren't doubting that life has no meaning."

"how does this help me?"

"it doesn't. it means you're ready to go home from treatment."

or alternate ending,

"how does this help me?"

"beliefs change based upon opinions. opinions themselves can change from experience. i will lead you on a journey to believe in the world, and it begins with smoked salmon and cream cheese on a homemade cracker."

"that's disgusting."

"so hope tastes bad for you?"

"no, that's disgusting."

"as i have ascended from gourmand to healer, I demand you eat the cracker to get better, or else go home because you aren't willing to experience the things necessary to believe in the world. you aren't a skeptic unless you've denied everything, at least twice, because otherwise you might have been wrong the first time."

"i'm unwilling to eat your cracker, sir gourmand, and now i also doubt i am a skeptic. I must be a nihilist."

"then you may as well be my slave. i'll treat you better than your beliefs."

"because the burden of proof is on the one requiring proof, i must accept this proposition."

"then eat the cracker."

https://plus.google.com/u/0/+JohnMorrisSorcerer
https://www.facebook.com/john.morris.5099/

So

Today I had no work booked
I'd arranged - set in calendar stone weeks ago, firmed up yesterday - to meet my friend for a walk on a beach at 1230

Anticipated after-school & evening commitments were whisked away in the sweep of my ex's long-suffering Cinderella's broom at short notice

If we crash it's been real y'all. Good and loaded on Ativan so I'm straight with whatever's. Hopefully I get there so I can try out the recreational pot. Really looking forward to that!


Much love
Andrew

Bluelight I hate when I stay away for so long this is my special secret corner of the internet. And here I am again only because I fell down again. But so much has happened in the meantime and I can't wait to write it out.

"Page after page of sniping rage from a British poet or an American sage. When you shine in the public eye, my dear, please remember these words. So I sit and I smile and I say, 'Well done,' to the Boy Least Likely To..."--

Stephen Patrick Morrissey, to me, early 1990s.

I will never forget you, Sir. I don't forget anyone.

14 days sober 😁 had a couple of vinos here and there but NO drugs. This is a fkn first in about 6 or 7 years. Holy shit!

So I've decided to get sober. Wish me luck.

Your Young Men Will Have Visions.
And Your Old Men Will Dreams.
#blessed

You are bored of opiates. You have a headache. You feel like you’re going to be sick.

The headache is an unrelenting tension in your temples, as if your brain is pulsating, breathing, up against your skull. The nausea comes in unforeseeable waves, making you wonder whether you’ll be violently sick suddenly. Your eyes, somehow, hurt. You are completely apathetic right now. You feel and think that you should be doing something, but you don’t know what. You’ll probably just lie around all day, doing nothing, staring at the ceiling, hoping the headache goes away.

YOU ARE BORED OF OPIATES.

You don’t even enjoy the stone. You convince yourself at the time you do – but you know deep down it’s not even one tenth as enjoyable now as it was when you started. You can’t give them up though because you’re addicted. You stay clean for a few days, maybe two weeks, then let nostalgia trick you into dabbling. Even after long breaks you find yourself bored with the experience!

So using opiates isn't fun anymore from a recreational perspective. The negatives far outweigh the positives. How are you going to not let good memories of the experience trick you into believing they’ll happen again if you just give yourself a tolerance break, or potentiate, or lie to yourself that it’s not impacting your life in a negative way?

Perhaps when those moments arrive that you feel convinced a dabble wouldn't hurt, you should read this. Perhaps you should read the sobriety log you wrote up in which you had very unpleasant withdrawals. Perhaps you should look at your life, and the change you desperately need, as something that can catapult you to greater happiness than what you can conceive right now through your blurry, over-opiated eyes.

Don’t be afraid of change. It’s time to be brave. As the saying goes, “learn to adapt and to change, or get washed away like tears in the rain.”

Saw this at work today, thought I would share it because it really helps you look at the optimism side of everything.

Got married, moved to Hong Kong. Reading my prior posts is kinda fucking weird. I've grown up so much but still a fucking addict.

My mom is having trouble affording one of her prescriptions. She needs the name brand because the generic to has adverse side effects for her( and insurance company won?t play ball).

In light of this, I have been researching prescription assistance programs and discount cards. I thought I would share what I have found so that it can hopefully help somebody else. Please note that this only applies to the USA as far as I know.

There are several different types of discounts that may be available depending on ones unique situation.

First off, some of the major manufacturers of name brand medicine offer discounts on specific medications. For example when I first started taking migraine medicine, I was able to get a discount from Pfizer which lowered the ridiculously high co-pay to half. However this discount was only for the first year of treatment. I presented a medication specific discount card to the pharmacy. Pfizer was very clear that this program was only for patients Who had insurance which was not state insurance. Because of the limited time factor, there were no income requirements, I just had to print a card off the internet.

Another option for someone whose specific medication is not covered by insurance is something called the national prescription savings network. From what I can tell the program works because the network offers marketing services to major manufacturers who stand a lose money when patients get generic drugs. In exchange for their marketing, they receive a payment each time the card is used. Presumably, this payment is higher than the discount they offer you, so they are able to pay the difference to the pharmacy and keep the profits.

Thirdly (and lastly), there?s government programs and charity programs (I think all of these are income dependent and some stipulate that one not have any outpatient RX coverage). See http://www.lehman.cuny.edu/faculty/jfleitas/bandaides/medicine.html

EDMA

"There Is No Reason For EDMA To Make Sense."--PiHKAL.

I STILL HEART YOU.

BOO



FRED [19]



FREDDY

JASON [17] --> N-methyl-DON. Good for sex.

Just



Anybody else here ever noticed an upside Nike symbol on Newport cigarette packs? Pleasure To Burn!



MENTHOL