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left message for therapist to call be beack so i can ask.....

.....why she doesn't go to weight watchers and have an exersise regime and take long walks in nature......as i'm stewing like FUCK that i didn't call her a useless fat cunt, after all i call the nice people at my doctors surgery useless fucking cunts when they are actually trying to help.....but after her waste of fucking time session where i tell her in detail lots of traumatic events in my life, impulse behaviour that's been very self distructive but unplanned and was so openly honest about everything thinking that that would clesrly be the obvious way of getting the correct help from them....she see's 'help' carved into my arm with other freshly cut inflictions...see's that i am unkempt...but after stopping me at various places and asking and looking sympathetically bemused that i hadn't been offered help or assistance at various stages after certain incidents....she asks me if i know what CBT and DBT are, i tell her i've heard about them when ive watched programmes on borderline personality disorder.....then at the end of an hour and a half of telling her how desperate i am....she tells me to get back to nature, go out and make friends and join some addiction groups ...oh and have an excersize programme.....this is coming from a patronising fat fuck who....when telling her about various stages of my life such as dropping out of school at 14 and binge eating and ballooning in weight....Mum drops in 'oh you weren't that big, just a little chubby'.....i'm just about to add that no i was bursting out of size 16 clothes and....then i notice her feet bulging out of her shoes and get what my mother is trying to do....so on realising that here was a very fat woman who i'm now (due to all manner of eating disorders over the years from bulimia to anorexia) about a size 8-10 maybe less as have not been eating at all recently....and i'm telling her that i was once fat...so i decide to skip over the eating disorders that have been a big part of my life.....so at the end she tells me they can't do anything for me...then suggests daft obvious factors that any person of sane mind knows are part and parcel of healthy living but a person with a mental disorder is not able to achieve as they have A FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER......but they can't help me, no i just need a nice walk and basically...find a good NA (narcotics annonymous ) group....which actually would be a fantastic way of getting some drug contacts.....i mean i don't have to go to a fucking therapist to be told how to live a healthy lifestyle....i don't live a healthy lifestyle cos i do not have the functionality to do so....hence why i am there....so

i decided i would call to speak to Alison <snip> the fat cunt who is so fat her feet bulge out of her shoes , she looks like a walking breezeblock in a dress.....she was with a client....so i very nicely ask for her to call me back....when she does i shall ask her why it was that she said they were unable to help me....and what in her opinion is wrong with me....is it just that i don't just 'snap out of it' because if that is the case and things are that easy then why does she not cut down on what she eats? because she could certainly do with an exercise regime and some group therapy with other fat people like herself as she should just stop putting her hand in the fucking fridge and stealing staff members food and gobbling down a family meal for 6 by her fat self, what kind of role model is she to her kids and if she herself has fat kids its all because she wants them to be fat like her so that she does not feel so fucking fat....yes i shall direct my rage in the right direction, but i shall try my hardest to compose myself so that i am able to fully put accross these healthy suggestions to her and tell her to snap out of being fat and useless.

Oct 26, 2018

Mel22

i am about to call cunt woman

yes i am trying to call that fat bitch but its busy...trying again....she's on the phone (likely fucking story) they've taken my number (again) so she can call me back (very unlikely but as i said...i will keep fucking phoning her and she'll have to fucking talk to me at some point when she stops stuffing cakes into her fat fucking face)....so thats message number 2 left for the fat cunt Alison whose last name is <snip>.....i hope you're ok with that Mel22 who very responsibly removed her full name from previous entries...i mean come on...who is interested in this bullshit anyway, who the fuck is reading this...if you find this interesting then read on folks as i never fucking know what the fuck i'm gonna do next and i've been refused therapy by that fat fucker who i keep trying to call so i can ask her why....i could tell her that i made soap today in the same kitchen i made DMT in....soap is a hell of alot easier....should anybody else like to make their own soap look up on google a basic simple recipe....i did....but i did improvise on the coconut oil...although i know i do have shit tons of the stuff, its buried under piles of crap in my kitchen and getting to it was going to be an issue but this was basically what i did....

i went round to Mum's to ask to borrow her scales.....then i weighed 100grams water....40grams Lye....i mixed them together...always tip the lye into the water...never the other way round (not sure exactly why but this is a golden rule of mixing water and lye together) then i weighed 100grams of castor oil (in place of cocnut oil) and 200grams rapeseed oil (brand name crisp and dry...but this replaced olive oil) then i pour that into the disolved lye and water mix...which by this time had cooled somewhat...i think there is an ideal temperature to add the oils, but i just added them.....then mix by spoon....afterwards you're gonna have to use a hand blender and blend away until the mixture thickens....it's meant to thicken so much that when you run something through it it stays kinda gloopy and leaves a 'trace'....this stage is called 'trace'....i'm not sure i got it quite there but i was beginning to scare Katniss my cat who had just been jumped on by 'fake Oswald' the big black bully cat that keeps attacking her.....i had to go out and get her indoors as fake Oswald had jumped her....i would have spanked fake oswald had i had the chance but he / she seems to know now that when i try and tempt it over with treats i'm actually gonna spank it......anyway...yeah....i also added some essential oils during the bending process...these being sandalwood and rose....once i'd finished blending i added some drops of pink food-colouring and hand stirred, i did want to achieve a colour effect by doing it this way, but didn't...hey ho....then i poured it all into a plastic container to set...but i also added some dried rose petals as i just happenned to have some that my daughter had picked some time back (roses) and i (being sentimental) had left them to dry on the windowsill....so seemed like a nice little touch...i also added sea salt granules to the top to give it a 'buffering' kinda feel once it sets.....if i had never made my own DMT (which is also very easy but far more time consuming) i would not now be the proud producer of my very first 'soap' whether or not it turns out to be safe to use remains to be seen....i have to leave it now for a month or so...well let it set...then cut into desired size....then leave for about a month (i think...best to check on that)...though back to the DMT....that's an overnight wait....as its got to be frozen....in colmans fuel....then seperated and smoked.....i tried this stuff by mouth and certainly would advise against that!!...had to rinse my mouth out with vinegar as it was burning.....also....DMT not for the faint hearted...or parents ?

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

today i tidied my lounge and made soap

....yep that is what i have done, Mum helped to tidy my lounge...so now i have a clean(ish) and tidy kitchen that doesn't resemble the shit heap in an episode of breaking bad where jesse goes and rescues the lil lad from his addict low life scum parents....yes, my house is / was a bit like that, don't you ever watch something and compare it to your own house? i do when i see a shit hole and not many shit holes represented on films come anywhere close, but that place...yes pretty close...

so during which while chatting to Mum i kinda say how i always thought about making my own soap but was always worried about the fact that you gotta use sodium hydroxide...ie Lye or caustic soda....used for cleaning drains and a major ingredient in making meth...(i only know that as...come on....don't we all....along with cold tablets....lithium batteries....something to do with matches but only the strike as i saw that also on breaking bad where walter white's in the hardware store and notices the contents of a guys trolley containing acetone, Lye, camping fuel....a couple of other bottles i couldn't make out...yep i'm going off on one again...back up>>>)...but also essential in making soap...did anyone know that??...most people who have seen Fight Club should know that...aswell as the fact that should you get any on wet skin it'll burn through it....and that mixing it with water and fat produces gycerine whilst it transforms into what we know as soap and that if you skim off that gycerine you could actually use it for things like making your own vape oils or if you got hold of some nitric acid you could make some nitro-glycerine and be well on the way to producing explosives.....interesting is it not, that many ingredients used to produce soap and or use to fertilise your lawn can be used to produce explosives or drugs.....it is perfectly fine to look after ones garden is it not...very respectable even...my mum looks after my garden with her sacred hands that bare the scars of stigmata...i am currently smoking some of my magic tobacco so do forgive me for going a little off course here....getting a little high at the moment as it happens...but yes as i hold in each sacred breath of my magic tobacco that contains trace elements of DMT that i proudly produced in the same very kitchen where today i also made my own soap...how about that for being ...i dont know...me...the untreatable person turned away by the fat therapist cunt woman

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

Will Ativan quell the rage

I carved "HELL" into my forarm with a razor blade last night. It satisfied me enough to sleep a couple hours. I'm so miserable. I'm hoping one day soon the flip is going to switch and I'll gain the courage to put an end to this hell. I just want sleep nice peaceful eternal sleep.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday. He's long moved on with his life to the point where I am embarrassed to tell him about mine. Sitting at my mom's home for the rest of my life. I know I would be happier dead and I'm pretty sure my mom would be happier in the long run. One day I'll get to the point where i can do it. I hope it's soon.

Ativan just makes me too honest. So I'll be blunt I want to die.

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

Only life I know

The Ativan in the dresser drawer calls everyday. I usually put it off with a terse "later". Well today there was no more laters. 3mg down and I feel like I imagine normal people do. The days to my 30th bday countdown on my calendar to the point I feel I'm waiting for my execution.

See I was never supposed to see 30. I was never supposed to quit heroin. I wasn't supposed to push all my friends away. I wasn't supposed to be unemployed and living with my parents.

I was supposed to be dead of some crazy drug combo in my 20s. I was supposed to have fallen madly in love with some hippy girl. We would shoot dope together until the end. I was supposed to have Daniel Mike and David by my side.

So the million dollar question becomes where from here? I could keep trying to kill myself and either die or end up in the state hospital. I would be ok with that. Probably even more then ok if truth be told. Or I could disappear west or north east cut off all contact and go back to heroin. Or just forget the heroin get back on methadone. The least appealing option is to go to rehab then sober living and rebuild like that. I don't see that working for me. I just have no patience for that whole process.

Whatever I decide it's going to be soon. The current situation isn't sustainable.

Oct 25, 2018

BPD help plz

5:40pm still no call back....well that won't stop me calling 2mo

.....yep I shall keep calling until i speak with Alison <snip>...not today....but first thing tomorrow morning and i shall keep on calling until i get to speak with her and ask her about hints on tips from her healthy lifestyle as it does not seem to be working for her so how on earth can she give that sort of daft arse suggestions to a person clearly in desperate need of some sort of psychiatric help.......i shall try and make sure i am calm and composed as i sweetly deliver the suggestion to her that how, if it was as easy as she seems to suggest, should i be expected to honestly believe that this is all i should get from a morbidly obese lady who's clearly mentally unstable herself as she wears unacceptably unflattering eye sore dresses that look ridiculous on her fat frame, its all working out so well for you you fat fucking useless cunt

Oct 25, 2018

Mel22

P

beting

so we have a bet going on how to cut dope. Help if you can

Oct 24, 2018

PPP1252

P

cunt woman not called back....i shall call 2mo

seriously, she will not keep from speaking to me eventually....when i call 2mo if they give another excuse i shall blatantly ask why she isn't taking my calls or calling me back as it is her job to do so......the longer she leaves it, the meaner i shall be.....i shall rip that fat fucks confidence to shreds i'll tear her tyo fucking pieces, i'll say things that will stay with her forever...i will give her a fucking mental disorder......she will come off the call in fucking tears, she will feel such inner despise at herself she'll have to take days off sick.....don't fucking doubt it...i shall for sure report it right here as soon as i do...i will leave every last detail....any suggestions would be taken into consideration.....i will fuck her up with words so fucking unthinkably twisted that she'll have to fight to breathe

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

i wrote this one age 14-15

i'd left school at 14 and ballooned in weight as i was comfort eating mainly i guess due to the fact that my Dad had decided to shack up with a spainish prostitute (who he married) and who banned him from seeing me and my brother...so yeah that was a bit hard...and i'd had a really bad trip on a pink floyd 'the wall' they were called, tiny as fuck...but damn fuck me lethal as fucking shit......i was depressed for many months, i burned crucifixes into my hands...i thought i was a goth...but here it is...i'll tell the title at the end

i try to listen
but cannot hear
i try to see
but nothing appears
i try to speak
i try to shout
i try to scream
but nothing comes out
i live in silence
in a world of black
i talk to no-one
and no-one talks back
i try to travel
but never know
where i am going
or then, where i go
i have no opinions
and no points of view
i don't know whats false
or then what is true
i have no emotions
i have nothing to share
i reach out to feel
to find no-one is there
but if i could listen
i won't want to hear
about death and destruction
sorrow and fear
and if i could see
i couldn't stand the sight
of the innocent dieing
because the guilty must fight
and if id been given
the power of speech
nothing i'd say
could bring any peace
and travelling won't help
i'd never escape
a world of bad feeling
a world full of hate
with all their opinions
who would want to hear mine?
and my points of view
they would all fade in time
my mind would be poisonned
with all their beliefs
so who would want truth
when lies hide the grief
i lie here and think
i still have my thoughts
'never give up'
that's what they taught
they now have it all
my life's all i've got
and they're left to choose
to when that gets turned off

the title is COMA

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

this is what heaven on earth could be...

i wrote this for my friendly drug dealer when i was in my late teens, he was a good friend...he gave us drugs, he sold us drugs, he gave us drugs on loan....he was a good man

far away in a dream, in a heaven of mine
where the sky is sea blue, and the sun always shines
where the drugs grow from trees and they won't do no harm
we'll laze out in the sun, on your vitamin farm
we shall sweeten our tea, with a tea-spoon of speed
and the tea we shall make with dried opium leaves
and the poppies that come from the flowering plant
sit on top of our french loaf, as long as a branch
the flour is simply, the purest cocaine
we can eat all we like and no weight we shall gain
we are all content, happy and sure of ourselves
there's no jealousy, hatred, or bitter of mouths
anger, depression, they do not exist
without famine or illness no lives are at risk
in my heaven the bee's have no sting in their tails
there's no spiders, no worms and no slime leaving snails
we are friends with the lions
the birds sing us songs
and the monkeys roll spliffs for us....10 rizlas long!
we shall live as a family
animals and all
and with church all the weekend
we'll dance day till dawn
to the happiest hardcore we'll reach for the skies
and sing 'praise to the lord for this heaven of mine!..we are all truely grateful for vitamin E'!!!!
well
...it may not be real
..but
it don't hurt to dream

Oct 24, 2018

BPD help plz

D

I never smoke weed, I hate it

Hello guys, this is my first thread here, I wanted to write this because there seems to be almost no one around me that is like me.

I am a regular drug user, my choice of drug is usually K.I occationally do acid.Ive used H in the past (even though I never IV'd, me and my gf used to get a good amount and snort it or smoke it), I was never an addict.

Its been a year since I quit weed and I never touched it except some incidents where people told me that the stuff really good and that I had to taste it, when I took 1 puff I usually got so high and I ultimatley regretteded it.

Weed gives me huge anxiety and lazyness even after 3 days of smoking, when I used to be a regular smoker I had to quit for a week for the anxiety to wear off.I used to really enjoy it at the beginning of my weed journey (first 3-4 months), I was an everyday smoker for 2 years, probably I had smiliar symptoms that I have today but it was so much of an escape at that time that I wouldn't quit.I always used to use weed to get to know people, I would smoke with them and we would have a great connection, since it wasn't that popular at the time around me, meeting with a weedsmoker and getting away from the group and just coming back high was just so much of an adventure.Now its smoked by everyone in my city just because its popular, which makes me sad.

Now, the first 10 minutes are a bit (esipacially the ritual of rolling it, and smoking it) enjoyable but after that I am just tired, even when I am laughing on weed, the high bothers me, I just can't enjoy myself so I never touch it.

Everyday tens of joints burn in front of me and I don't even take a single puff.Almost everyone I talk to wants to stop smoking weed and they always tell me how much they respect my descision of not smoking, but noone ever quits weed like I do, don't get me wrong there are people around me that don't smoke but those are the people who never do any other drugs, I am the only profile that takes chemicals but doesn't smoke weed.

I just can't like propery when there is thc in my body.

Is there anyone like me in the forum?
Or if anyone is trying to quit I can give them some tips, I would be really happy to help, it wasn't easy for me to quit.

Oct 22, 2018

deaxxz

D

therapist says we cant help go away

seriously that is what just happenned....my doctor refers me for help and this stupid fat bitch, after listenning to me open my fucking heart out and i'm honest as fuck and she tells me to go to AA or something similar WTF

Oct 22, 2018

BPD help plz

try to tell my Mum i'm about to die last night....

...so yeah, kids are staying at their dad's 300 miles away so what do i do??...i make up some DMT from Mimosa after hearing on youtube about people having 'life changing amazing experiences' and 'spiritual awakenings'.....so i put some with some legal weed and tobacco, i hollow out a small plastic lidded bottle so that i do not waste any 'DMT smoke' in between tokes and i put on the hunger games....what happens next is a bit of a blurr but it ended up with me dashing next door to Mum's to ask her if i was still alive.....she was making her dinner and asked if i wanted some...i grab a pear and begin eating it cos i thought it would stop me from dieing......my Mum puts a plate of food down and asks if i want ketchup....i do....i randomly eat at bits of food then tell Mum i'm about to die and she needs to phone 999....she being obviously unaffected by any substance made the suggestion i phone MIND ...we then both go upstairs in search of a number that is not 999.....i make random calls on her phone to check that i'mn not stuck in limbo and dead......then i speak with the NHS who eventually managed to talk me down...and ask me questions like am i bleeding excessively or have i been...err no.....am i likely to be violent?....no.....and on and on with silly but i guess relevant and in hindsight helpful questions as it brought me back to reality....they decide i can now form sentences and my breathing sounds calmer so they advise me not to smoke anymore DMT and have a nice night...or words to that effect...i then remain at Mums for a bit in tears at my pathetic actions....then i come home to find both my back and front door wide open.....i vaguely recall standing at my front door deciding whether to walk out (bare foot)....i clearly did not close it on the way to the back door to descend on my hungry mother to inform her of my imminent death and ruin her dinner plans.....

today i see that therapist for the first time.....i have a joint of DMT i have smoked on and off this morning....yes i am very stupid

Oct 22, 2018

BPD help plz

bought chloroform and fuck knows why

....yep, i was remembering my young teenage years and tipp-ex thinner....so i think i'll just search for it on e-bay....find lots of tipp-ex, no thinner though...so i google it...find out it was no longer used as it affected the o-zone but it was actually 'trichloroethane'.....so i look that up and discover trichloromethane and that seems pretty cheap for a litre so i buy some (ebay) then i look it up on google.....its fucking 'choroform!' woo-hoo i'm gonna have some fun oblivion times with that.....and get this....trichoroethane is also a type of chloroform.....interesting to learn that as a school kid i used to tip a kind of chloroform on my school uniform sleeve and inhale it by mouth out of choice.....so what kind of fucked up world is it where you can no longer purchase your 'medication' of 6 years that kept you functioning by and large like a respectable member of the human race raising young children who would not dream of turning their kitchen into the shit hole mimosa DMT extraction lab it is today let alone allow their house descend into a shit hole pit of disgustingness whilst purchasing chloroform off ebay for no apparent good reason what-so-ever whilst having 'help!' carved into my upper arm with a craft knife along with a few other self cutting mutilations which i did yesterday evening after the kids dad kept on at me about the state of my house to the degree that i wanted to scream CUNT at him and tear his head off....retreating quietly into my shit-pit kitchen to find a fresh craft knife to slice away at my upper arm so i could feel the calm release as the blood slowly seeped out was defo a preferable way to release tension than to physically be-head the kids dad in front of them.......

Oct 21, 2018

BPD help plz

....oh for fucks sake fuck me and call me simon

....so yeah, kids dad coming down and i know that as soon as he see's the state of this place what his reaction will be....if he doesn't fucking like it he can fucking tidy it....here he is....and he said hello...waiting waiting...he's not mentionned anything...that will probably come later when he's pissed, he's bought his regular 2 bottles of red...he's in a good mood...for now, he knows i'm fucked anyway...i think it makes him feel superior to me as i am the problem person and he is the upstanding model of rightousness and normality...i have just read that out to him and i think he is quite pleased, he had asked me, you see, if i was on 'that druggy site'...yes i tell him...i'm doing my blog i tell him...i tell him i don't care about people reading or not reading but its good to keep a diary...he then says 'i've just had to go to my bank in camborne coz my drug deal went wrong'...i tell him that yes...i have already mentionned about that.....he had also previously began listing various incidents revolving around me and drugs in the past....mentionning about when i lived up his way and would get my crack delivered to my door like a pizza...oh yes...the good ol days...except in monetary terms of course a crack habit is not a good idea what-so-ever unless you are fortunate enough to have the financial income to sustain it...and of course...not be a parent....

...the good ol days would certainly be when i could get 'legal highs' delivcered by the postman....or rather my MPA, my medicene....when that..being the first of its kind (since mephedrone) to be given a temporary ban...i found 3fpm....and blah blah blah oh fuck all this on a saturday

fuck fuck cunt bollox shit arse cunting fucker bastard arsehole

drugs glorious drugs i'm desperate to ave some
speed, amphetamines YES i got cash here to buy em
just thinking of getting high my senses go reeling
one moment of having that...fucked up feeling!!
so DRUGS glorious DRUGS fabulous DRUGS
GIVE ME SOME DRUGS

Oct 20, 2018

BPD help plz

yesterday i try to buy adderral online

....yes that is what i tried to do, found a website, looked clearly dodgy as fuck but what the hell if i can't get it over here i'll fucking buy it online and this was the only site that came up....should have had alarm bells ring with the questionable use of the english language and the fact that they sold MDMA (apparently....its for treating ADHD y'know....according to them...$15 a tablet and in packs of 40....obviously i did not add them to cart and glossed over this big red flag)....i added 80 adderral to cart....i was going to add double that but figured i'd wait to make sure i received them first....the total came to $380. and there was the option to pay by card, so i did...checked my emails, order on hold waiting for payment....i begin to feel apprehensive....they then e-mail saying they can't take card payments and tell me to pay western union....so then i have to cancel my card as obviously they have my details, they are based in the punjab in pakistan and i should imagine the sale of ones card details over there would be lucrative business.....this also results in me having to travel to my bank today to show them ID to stop the hold put onto my account.....i ordered a taxi last night for 11:30 this morning, my daughter comes with me, as does my Mum, my son had plans with his girlfriend to meet some bi-sexual 'friend' of theirs for the first time......i know, sounds dodgy but he did clear this up with me....it turns out not to be as dodgy as it sounds.

......so no fucking adderral....my kids dad is coming down today and my daughter told him over the phone this morning what we had planned...ie going to bank so i can still access my account.....this info waves a red flag for him....i tell him its coz i had to stop my card yesterday to make sure a payment wasn't taken......'payment for what? your drugs?'.....he knows...i tell him about trying to buy adderral....i tell my Mum about trying to buy adderral....i tell her in the taxi on the way....i tell her i had looked up adderral and found that it doesnt get prescribed as its a controlled substance and i'd probably be able to get a prescription for cannabis before i could get a prescription for adderral, i tell her because its an amphetamine.....Mum does not know what this means.....i tell her its a medicinal form of the street drug 'Speed'...which Mum probably still didn't understand......thing is my kids dad could probably get me speed....i used to buy it off a mate of his when i lived with him...obviously without his knowledge......i know that he wouldn't do that for me though....

.....my Dad phoned yesterday, still no joy buying anything online for me but one of his daughters over there has a friend who works for some company that has something to do with chemical manufacturing so apparently she's going to ask them.....really the dad in spain option looks pretty fucked....its all looking pretty fucked...oh well...next week after the undoubtedly fucked up waste of time session with my therapist on monday......i shall have some mimosa snowballs in my freezer to come home to scape out and smoke ....i shall start off the procedure on sunday...or perhaps tomorrow after ....oh....silly me...tomorrow is sunday...so yeah..that

shit on the sidewalk and fuck the fairies

Oct 20, 2018

BPD help plz

Saving Myself

Addiction is truly deadly.

However I have come to see addiction can vary greatly and some addictions can be healthy.

I want to discuss the concept of addiction in future entries but let me make clear right now that it is my choice whether I kill myself with drugs or live to see another day. That is my choice. No one else, nothing else can make that choice for me. And yet I don't claim to be totally capable of being powerful enough to guard against making ill choices so I rely on powers greater than myself to guide me.

Guide, not carry.

Oct 19, 2018

Save

fuck shit cunt bastards

OMFChrist!! thought i'd do a little google research into adderral prescriptions in the UK and it's FUCKING ILLEGAL fuuuuuccckkkk FUUUUCCKKK FUUCKK

FUCKING UK!!!

oh fuck it sucks being fucking british....why the fuck anybody wants to come to this god forsaken country is really far beyond me this is total fucking bollox.....where is that bridge....i'm going to that fucking bridge on monday...that bridge can be my fucking therapist....

bridge to me 'how can i help you today?'

me to bridge ' dont move'

SPLATT

end of me

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz

fucking crap

Been out walking and bought a Pyrex dish for a pound in a charity shop, have a 'method, saved of how to make methcathinone, had tried to follow it once before, have shit loads of cold meds that i've bought off ebay ...previously i tried using citric acid in place of hydrochloric acid as it mentions just to add a few drops to stablise the PH so i improvised.....of course it was a fucking failure....now i have hydrochloric acid...and now i have a pyrex dish, last time i used a pyrex jug and felt that it prob should be more 'spread out' anyway, it wouldn't have worked and i also think i got the bit wrong with the pomengrate whatsit stuff, i don't understand that section...it seemed to suggest putting a load into water, measure out a tiny amount with a syringe then it seems to suggest nothing further with the remaining lot so i tipped it away....wish my science teacher had been more interesting then perhaps i'd be able to make more sense about the reactions thus ensuring that i have more understanding about what each stage is achieving rather than to stumble along blindly trying to follow instructions that i do not understand....i can follow any cooking instructions....give me a recipe and the ingredients and i can follow it and produce the results...if only the same could be said with this cos if i could only make it myself then i can make my own medicene in my own kitchen and actually join humanity once more.....YES FOR ME IT IS MEDICENE!! i am the fucking walking cunt shouting zombie otherwise...i live in a shit heap as i have no incentive to do fuck all with it.

....didn't go to the doctors to collect my prescription in the end, will either have to do that later or monday when i walk to or from that appt with the therapist....i warned my Mum how i might react should he harp on about the merits of talking and being drug free....sure that's an ideal if i could function like that but having tried hard for 3 years only to find that i'm on the edge of suicide and buying lots of random poison as i know or heard somewhere its used to make meth.....i've poisoned myself with colmans fuel in a bid to self medicate, had a mini breakdown and considered seriously jumping off the bridge in the middle of town so at least my kids won't have to find my corpse when they come home from school and the public spectacle of my death would at least make the papers so it could benefit them financially.....hey...if i'm going to kill myself i might as well do it fucking properly...

over 10% of people with borderline personality disorder WILL die from suicide.......the only thing keeping me alive is the fact i do not forget to breathe and i am very well aware of the devastation i will leave behind for my kids...after all they're already not up for hearing that the worst could have happenned to our cat Lionel and shit, we only had him 7 months and Katniss had always been the favourite ...yes...she is still around....she is trusted to stay indoors at night

my daughter is back.....

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz

new day no snorting

New day and same same but different to yesterday, watched 'The Exorcist' with my 9 year old daughter, first time she's watched it all the way through, she did get a bit bored though in the parts where, i guess for a 9 year old, nothing much seems to happen, so i had to explain why certain parts were actually there to give context to latter parts of the movie.....11:30 is getting close and that is when Mum wants us to go for a walk, should really pick up my meds from the pharmacy even though they have not text to say they're ready, they should be.....i don't think they'll want another 'cunt' episode.

taken a modafinil and a spoonful of kratom, think another spoonful is in order just so that i'm not too 'tetchy' when we get to the doctors.

i'll take my 4 cocodomol and 4 dihydracodeine when i get back from our walk

can't stop fantasising about the good ol days when i could buy what i needed online and have it delivered by the postman, Dad phoned yesterday and is not having any luck with buying legal highs in Spain, surely it's not as hard as he's makinmg it out to be....FUCK!!

yes this is sooooo boring as shit...and this is my life

my life is FUCKED

Oct 19, 2018

BPD help plz

...oh and about those mushrooms

..yeah forgot to mention those mushrooms yeterday..got a bit of a buzz off them yesterday but defo not what you'd expect...i guess i should have taken the entire contents in one shot, i still have another sealed package of 'mexicana truffles' and also of 'dragon truffles' those i shall keep sealed until next week...next week i shall also extract some more mimosa and smoke it with this 'legal weed' as its good for nothing by itself, shame as it has the right smell...still bunched up like it is its perfect to scrape around the extraction jars when i cipher the colmans out from the crystals....still not heard anything off dad as to whether he's managed to get me anything to post over ...hey, my own father trying to buy me drugs....and no, he is no ex-hippy...the extent of his drug taking was a couple of pulls on a spliff in his 20s with his travelling work buddies, he has no contacts, he's never seen a drug dealer (not knowingly anyway...theoretically i was once a drug dealer in that i used to sell my own personal bulk purchase of speed so i could also buy crack)....

.....bought some powder off an online 'headshop' pile of shit...i might as well snort modafinil and phenibut together (thats one to try tomorrow)

if there is anyone reading this thinking all i need is to stop thinking about drugs and live a normal healthy life, well i tried that for 3 years and have ended up in hell....so no...that does not work for me and i'm on the brink of suicide here, yes i am that fucking desperate...and no its not that i have a problem..the only problem i have is that i am not being given the drugs that i need to be well so i need illegal ones as they will make me better than i am right now...and don't anybody DARE suggest otherwise as i am the expert on me...i know what it is like to live my life nd i know what does and does not work so go fuck yourselves if you think yoga or a bit of meditation and postive mindfulness is the answer FUCK YOPU AND STAF FUCKED as you know as much as a head splattered ant

Oct 18, 2018

BPD help plz

...so....

...yeah...anyway...i asked some advice yesterday of how to go about finding some kind of contact for 'street supplies'....very good advice given...which i have not yet had the opportunity to yet follow....'walk around and look for people who seem to be just hanging out...then ask 'what's up'...chat a bit, say i'm looking for something and ask if they can help me find it'...if you're reading this, thanks for that advice...

Monday i have that appt with my 'therapist' ...i have this feeling he's going to lecture me on the pitfalls of drugs and try and pursue a drug free nice chat approach to handling my BPD....i shall then tell him exactly what i think about that and warn him how i am on the fucking edge here, i'm fucking bordering emotional breakdown here...give me some of your fucking fixing drugs fuck sake or i will search for some good old fashioned illeagal drugs as they will help me a damn site more than you you pathetic waste of your job....shit, i should be a therapist...except i have not showered since the weekend...but hey...the weekend man!!....prior to that it had been months !!....it has been days since i last combed my hair though and my hair is long....it reaches my knees.....to stop it tangling up too much in my days of non-combing i keep it in a side 'braid' (in the UK we say 'plait) ...then i wrap it in a silk wrap and tuck it all into a baggy cap...this i will then wear all day..and night, yes i even sleep in it...but as always...i am perfectly normal and healthy..i should be working...especially in a job where i have daily contact with the general public so that i can lose it and verbally abuse them for looking at me in the wrong way, or asking me something when i'm in a 'fucking dont dare talk to me!!' frame of mind (which i should imagine would be most of the time)

everytime i leave my house i feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode at somebody...i don't hate everybody....i just often feel like i do...but then i know that i shouldn't...but i do hate that french cunt who knocked me over but what can i do about that now....she should be paying me a fucking fortune for doing this to me.....i used to work y'know...i was a support worker...loved doing that, i was really good at that...i understood people in emotional difficulty, i couild relate to them and their hardships, their temperament...some of them were known to be fucking violent and unpredicatble...staff were shit scared of them...i would not show fear to them, i'd have them walk right up to me and stand and wait for them to do something rather than cower away as if they were some kind of lepper ....wtf am i typing about

FUCKING DRUGS MAN GIVE ME DRUGS
...and let me live happily ever after..

...anything would be happier than this

Oct 18, 2018

BPD help plz

smoking legal weed its crap

So i just collected some tobacco off Mum...'just tobacco?'...'yes Mum just tobacco'....I fail to mention i just recieved some purchase of 'legal weed'.....its called 'white russian' and claims to have 19%cbd....it smells like weed....it does not smoke like weed....hey ho...guess next week i'll extract some more DMT as kids will be staying at their dad's 300 miles away so it won't matter when i trip out...my daughter has already broken up for the half term hols, she is listenning to 'a thousand years' upstairs as she plays with her LOL dolls...earlier we watched movies together, beginning with 'Nerve'...and then 'Conjuring 2'....i have diagnosed the character of 'Emma Robert's' friend in Nerve with Borderline personality disorder....although of course, she is nothing like me...but...oh well, why am i gonna go through the points of my diagnosis of a character...anyway, not sure where this is going but my daughter is coming downstairs so bye

Oct 18, 2018

BPD help plz

G

does he like me or am i in the friend zone

How do you get out of the dreaded friend-zone, is it actually possible? and more to the point how does it happen, I thought it was going well....... But oh know how wrong am I??? I'm in the mists of a mid life crisis ( kinda loving it) just turned 40 and recently come out of a 15 yr relationship. Am i destined to a spinster life or just need to '' get back in the game '' because at the moment its not exactly going to plan............ HELP!!!!!How do you get out of the dreaded friendzone, is it actually possible? and more to the point how does it happen, I thought it was going well....... But oh know how wrong am I??? I'm in the mists of a mid life crisis ( kinda loving it) just turned 40 and recently come out of a 15 yr relationship. Am i destined to a spinster life or just need to '' get back in the game '' because at the moment its not exactly going to plan............ HELP!!!!!

So after recently coming out of a 15 year relationship at the ripe old age of 40, the whole dating lark seems to have changed some what!! Maybe it's just i'm mega out of practice, maybe it's because at 40 I can't be arsed with all the B*ll*cks and Bull Sh*t and know what I want? And let me tell you it certainly seems that most available men of a similar age are single for a reason!!!
My problem being is that I some how seem to end up in the dreaded friend zone with anyone that I think could be a possible boyfriend/partner ( I know the word boyfriend sounds childish) and i want to know why????
Am I giving off the wrong signals? or am I unable to read the signals? am I just extra sensitive or desperate and mistaking enjoying said persons company and feeling that it is reciprocated, as more than what it actually is??
So my current Friend zone situation is, I've recently met this guy who has just moved into my village, we instantly hit it off , same sense of humour, same life ethos, morals and ethics,lots in common e.g: music tastes, food, both hippies, love of water, same age bar a year, both recently come out of long term relationships me 15yrs him 18yrs.
He has been the first man that has actually made me feel that spark again since my split, I feel happy when i'm around him, I look forward to being around him, I miss him when I'm not around him and I think about him all the time, he looks at me in a way that makes me feel special. He gives me the impression that he feels the same, he gives me lots of his attention and time, took me away on his boat for 3 days ( it's a small motor boat not a posh yacht ) and it was beautiful, the sunsets, the tranquillity of being around water, with the added bonus of no awkwardness and being with him.
Perfect I hear you all saying, just give it some time, let nature take its course and why do feel you have been friend zoned????
Well let me explain to you all why I fear I've been friend zoned. On our first proper meeting (i'd admired from afar for a week or so) I'd sent my wing women in to find out some details e.g relationship status, where he lived etc etc at this current point i was working behind the bar in my local with an hour to go before I finished. So my insecure self with my eyes on the prize decided that if i had a couple of dutch courage drinks (large savs) pre flirt that I would come across funnier, more interesting and ouze self confidence, which I did or I thought / Felt like I did. We carried on drinking throughout the late afternoon into the evening , I obviously becoming drunker and drunker and louder and louder , to be fair not just me him too, we were enjoying each others company. There was a table with about 8 of us on but it felt like it was just us and we were in our own little zone, our common interests and sense of humour were becoming more and more apparent, I was flirting ( or thought I was flirting) he was flirting (or I thought he was flirting) until he invited me back to his for a night cap, at this point I totally thought I was in and that my plan had worked. Once back at his, which I'd presumed he lived at alone, he said his step son of 18yrs old lived there too, not a problem I thought , not recognising how hammered I actually was ( a loud, over bearing weirdo) I walked into what i thought was the living room , but was actually said step sons bedroom . Now any normal person would've apologised and left as he had his girlfriend in his room , and given that they'd never met me before a quick whoops sorry would've been quite enough, but not me , well I did apologise but my actually words , whilst looking at his girlfriend were '' God I'm sorry , didn't realise this was your room good job you weren't noshing him off ''. I can't really remember much else about what I actually said, but lets just say tact has always been something I've lacked, so I can imagine my deliverance of '' I really like you'' may have come out as '' I want to fuck you or I want your dick'' I know, I know this isn't how a lady should talk but I was pissed!!! Unfortunately the one thing I can remember is him saying that he really liked me too and could see us becoming great friends, but that was it

!!!
I was gutted that i'd miss read all the signals, but like I say loved spending time with him , so thought i'm just gonna have to suck it up and just enjoy (however hard) a friendship with him and nothing more, plus I realising i needed to brush up on my signals radar. But then he starts giving me signals, taking me away for 3 days when i needed it most, chilling me right out. The first night away we had a little kiss , and a little fiddle , to point the point that I had to tell him to stop as i didn't want to be making loads of sex noises in front of Damo, but I think that turned him on? Not him wanting Damo to hear, but for me to have to hold it all in and teasing me to the point of almost cumming
So after this i'm thinking maybe we're not friend zoned ??? or have i just totally been used after putting myself out there straight away???
So if I am friend zoned is it possible to get out of? If so how?
Please Help

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Oct 17, 2018

Tranced

who knows

So no more Mimosa Hostilis for a while, my Mum now knows it a warning sign if i go and take tobacco off her as i'm a vaper now...unless i've extracted some Mimosa Hostilis snowballs in my freezer, then i'm pouring the unfrozen colmans fuel through 2 wire mesh lined with lab filter paper and kingsize rizla paper and scaping the crystals out with a rubber spatula and putting them on tobacco to smoke, as i have realised that.....unlike my earlier belief that i got a better high from eating the absolute foul tasting colmans and lye soaked crystals that burnt my mouth to shit until i swallowed vinegar.....the high was more intense smoking the crystals with tobacco....i still have 200grams of powdered mimosa.....i was getting a good extraction using 50grams a time...i have plenty of lye...i have plenty of colmans...i have collection jars to freeze....but i have a mother next door who witnessed my mini head fuck on sunday...such a shame as it's a mad buzz to watch a movie with....i have magic mushrooms...maybe i should take those as i cannot store them in the fridge and i openned a pack when they arrived......soooo...yep, thats what i'll do today...mushrooms

Oct 17, 2018

BPD help plz