Been out walking and bought a Pyrex dish for a pound in a charity shop, have a 'method, saved of how to make methcathinone, had tried to follow it once before, have shit loads of cold meds that i've bought off ebay ...previously i tried using citric acid in place of hydrochloric acid as it mentions just to add a few drops to stablise the PH so i improvised.....of course it was a fucking failure....now i have hydrochloric acid...and now i have a pyrex dish, last time i used a pyrex jug and felt that it prob should be more 'spread out' anyway, it wouldn't have worked and i also think i got the bit wrong with the pomengrate whatsit stuff, i don't understand that section...it seemed to suggest putting a load into water, measure out a tiny amount with a syringe then it seems to suggest nothing further with the remaining lot so i tipped it away....wish my science teacher had been more interesting then perhaps i'd be able to make more sense about the reactions thus ensuring that i have more understanding about what each stage is achieving rather than to stumble along blindly trying to follow instructions that i do not understand....i can follow any cooking instructions....give me a recipe and the ingredients and i can follow it and produce the results...if only the same could be said with this cos if i could only make it myself then i can make my own medicene in my own kitchen and actually join humanity once more.....YES FOR ME IT IS MEDICENE!! i am the fucking walking cunt shouting zombie otherwise...i live in a shit heap as i have no incentive to do fuck all with it.
....didn't go to the doctors to collect my prescription in the end, will either have to do that later or monday when i walk to or from that appt with the therapist....i warned my Mum how i might react should he harp on about the merits of talking and being drug free....sure that's an ideal if i could function like that but having tried hard for 3 years only to find that i'm on the edge of suicide and buying lots of random poison as i know or heard somewhere its used to make meth.....i've poisoned myself with colmans fuel in a bid to self medicate, had a mini breakdown and considered seriously jumping off the bridge in the middle of town so at least my kids won't have to find my corpse when they come home from school and the public spectacle of my death would at least make the papers so it could benefit them financially.....hey...if i'm going to kill myself i might as well do it fucking properly...
over 10% of people with borderline personality disorder WILL die from suicide.......the only thing keeping me alive is the fact i do not forget to breathe and i am very well aware of the devastation i will leave behind for my kids...after all they're already not up for hearing that the worst could have happenned to our cat Lionel and shit, we only had him 7 months and Katniss had always been the favourite ...yes...she is still around....she is trusted to stay indoors at night
my daughter is back.....
....didn't go to the doctors to collect my prescription in the end, will either have to do that later or monday when i walk to or from that appt with the therapist....i warned my Mum how i might react should he harp on about the merits of talking and being drug free....sure that's an ideal if i could function like that but having tried hard for 3 years only to find that i'm on the edge of suicide and buying lots of random poison as i know or heard somewhere its used to make meth.....i've poisoned myself with colmans fuel in a bid to self medicate, had a mini breakdown and considered seriously jumping off the bridge in the middle of town so at least my kids won't have to find my corpse when they come home from school and the public spectacle of my death would at least make the papers so it could benefit them financially.....hey...if i'm going to kill myself i might as well do it fucking properly...
over 10% of people with borderline personality disorder WILL die from suicide.......the only thing keeping me alive is the fact i do not forget to breathe and i am very well aware of the devastation i will leave behind for my kids...after all they're already not up for hearing that the worst could have happenned to our cat Lionel and shit, we only had him 7 months and Katniss had always been the favourite ...yes...she is still around....she is trusted to stay indoors at night
my daughter is back.....